#so I can never completely block it out

[zerodaryls]

it's so funny (read: sad) that if bigoted fuckheads didn't insist i was a woman simply by virtue of my body at birth, i'd probably be chill with she/her pronouns in addition to he/they. if my mom didn't insist i was her daughter, i'd probably let her call me that, and we could still have a relationship.

i'm nonbinary and 'gendered' words are hypothetically meaningless, but because there are so many people who are more interested in telling me who i am rather than lovingly and curiously letting me express my own sense of self, those words carry trauma.

there's no reason a nonbinary person like myself can't be a son and a child and a daughter. there's no reason a nonbinary person like me can't go by he, they, and she.

'she' is not a slur. 'daughter' is not derogatory. 'beautiful' 'pretty' 'gorgeous' 'feminine' are not insults.

to the contrary, they're parts of language that express certain facets of a multi-faceted human existence, like mine.

and i have this sad, mournful feeling that if it weren't for unloving, condescending people, i'd probably be down to be called any of those things alongside my usual masculine/neutral terminology.

but i'd rather die than let anyone tell me what i have to be called.

#i try to reclaim 'feminine' words for myself in private #calling myself 'babygirl' when i need to chill out. or saying i feel pretty. or going 'she needs help' when i'm struggling lmao. #but there's still so much fucking trauma in those words from the people who've forced them on me #who've snarled in my face that GOD made me ONE THING and ONE THING ONLY and that's a WOMAN (stepdad) #who've guilted me for taking their precious perfect daughter away as if i'm fucking dead (mother) #who've mocked me and everyone like me as if we're not the experts on our own sense of self (general transphobic public) #like. i'm not a fucking man. i'm not a fucking woman. i'm nonbinary. gender is absurdity as a concept. i'm done with it. #but being called a man or a son or a guy or 'he' or WHATEVER in that vein is fine and dandy because i've never had anyone say #'that is all you can EVER be'. or worse: 'that is what GOD made you to be and you have a ROLE to fill' #(christianity pls die approximately yesterday thanku 💖) #so yeah. idk. ranting yet again about Cis Audacity. #the complete lack of empathy. the lack of curiosity even. #the condescending bullshit. the 'i understand you better than you do'. the fucking AUDACITY. #i am the expert on myself. i am the ONLY expert on myself. period. no contest. not a debate. #i understand myself better than anyone else is CAPABLE of understanding me. #i could call myself 'she' and understand that i meant it in a nonbinary way. #in fact i could even see myself letting other trans people call me feminine terms at some point in the future. when i've healed more. #but cis people? probably not. they can call me 'he' or 'they' or they can fuck off & never get to know me because they don't wanna know ME #/end rant #any terfs/bigots that try to touch this post will be swiftly blocked and quite possibly cursed. have the day you deserve <3

[cinnamon-phrog]

Can I please have some comfort right now, if that's okay? People are watching me.

#i'm being impersonated and harassed #every day people in my past still try to find me. and i'm scared #not of what they might find. i have nothing to hide. but it's the constant fear of being watched and never being free #i'll never be free from the people who hurt me because they'll always find me somehow #i shouldn't be feeling so awful but at the same time. #i pour myself out to help others yet in return i get 'oh it doesn't bother me' and 'i've had it worse'. as if i doubt that for a second. #but please. not everyone has the same amount of emotional endurance. my patience has worn completely thin. #people i've known on here to be the most disgusting scum of the earth who no matter how many times i block them still show up in my inbox. #people from my old school still think they can get to me. a person who lied to me still wastes their time watching me #someone who i cared about the most probably still watches on and it's breaking me. #it always has been but i'm the sensible one. i'm not allowed to do this. i shouldn't be writing this but i'm getting desperate #i've taken deep breaths. i've drank water. i've done everything plus things i should not have to ease it off. #maybe the reason why i love puppets and artificial characters because i'm always used like one. like i'm a toy to break or put away #stupid analogy everyone has made for themselves but i'm done trying to be a good writer. the composer. #i want to feel without being judged but of course that's impossible. it's fine when it's strangers but relentless stalkers? it's wrecking m #it has been for ages but i was scared to say because i'm used to apathy and false promises. #i keep forgetting things and hurting myself. i'm getting scared.

[emmafaeru]

one of the things that's insane to me about terraria is it's lack of online prescence. it's the 10th best selling video game of all time. there's like 3 people who make videos about it. it's been around for 13 years. there's not even 400 fics tagged as terraria on ao3. 45 million people have played it. there are maybe 4 pieces of fanart somwhere if you really dig for them. and the crazy part is I totally agree. I have never wanted to create about terraria. I have rarely if ever wanted to consume content about terraria. this is a game I have a disgusting amount of hours in and I would give a very high rating of and I have never once gone feral over it like I have with other things I consume. terraria is this ball of awesomeness of a game mixed with this complete fucking undecipherable void of a prescence and i think it's insane

#if we're actually thinking about why though #1) the complete lack of story/worldbuilding/setting/ heavily discourages any attempt of a narrative #it would be like trying to write a captivating story about minecraft steve in minecraft block world #'but minecraft has so many stories thought up in it! like [insert minecraft smp]' #2) yes but consider that minecraft's relatively short - and frankly unfulfilling - progression #means that after you beat minecraft the only thing left to do is to create - either with yourself or other people #which incidentally is also why minecraft servers are such a big thing - becuase of that natural steer into playing with other ppl #however (as anyone who's tried to beat it knows) terraria has a LOT of progression - and it's all built to be extremly satisfying progress #which means when you beat terraria. you can beat it again! in any one of 2098456 ways you choose all of which give you a unique playthrough #incidentally this is also why in my experience servers are so much less of a thing in terraria #while the modding scene is sososo much bigger and relevant - tapping into that 'replay the thing but DIFFERENT' again type of replayability #I'm comparing terraria and minecraft btw because both are sandbox games but they have wildly different prescences #and often times people will write minecraft having more content down as 2d/terraria being more limiting creatively #but actually some of the prettiest builds in a videogame I've seen were in 2d/terraria #I think there's a more fundamental difference at play there #in the type of replayability that mc and terraria offer #one kind of forces you to create or play with others if you want more out of it #while the other offers this kind of seemingly endless well of challenges that never steers you in that co-op/creative direction #both are great in their own right #but it means that minecraft has more content 'staying power' as it is a space designed first and foremost to steer players into creating #and also most importantly - cooperating and playing with others to creat together #while terraria more often focuses on that core gameplay experience/challenge #while never steering/forcing players into that creating/co-opting space #unless they intentionally seek out that experience for themselves #see - the terraria builder community (not massive last time I checked) and server players (I don't think they exist) #also 3) eye of cthullu is stupid hard to draw in 3d without doubling over laughing #like 👁️ <- oh man look who's floating ominously!! he sure is gonna getchu!! #^ I ramble about things #also i still think terraria is better than minecraft. for the record

[orgasming-caterpillar]

Girl can you please shut tf up i have a life i can't reply to your fandom ramblings twenty times a day i need to write my own fics do my hw go to school all while being actively traumatized every fucking day if you make me feel bad for not replying to you on time one more time I'll kms

#bro this girl keeps texting me every other hour #just because her school hasnt started yet doesnt mean i have 13 hours that i can waste on ao3 and tumblr every day like her #this is getting toxic i might just block her #like once a day is fine #but she texts me when i fucking wake up and then when i come back from school and then when i wake up from my nap and then when im doing my- #-homework and then when im having dinner and then im about to go to sleep and this all repeats the next day #im fucking exhausted of her #because i never once talk about the fics that IM writing #she doesnt even write #she has like one fic in progress #she just fries my fucking brain with her ideas and never even writes them #not to mention they're pulled completely out of her ass like not related to the canon at all #'so like what if he had a sister and that sister was blah blah blaah and then she blah blah blah because blah blah blah' im so fucking tired

[healingheartdogs]

Also the malinois person (h*rdybunch) on that malinois service dog post is literally one of the people I have worked with in person who had a mal SD that I am talking about specifically saying their dog DEFINITELY should have been washed. Their previous malinois SD was dog reactive and I personally watched that dog attack multiple other dogs unprovoked INCLUDING ONE OF MY DOGS AT MY OWN HOME when they temporarily lived with us in 2020. They also admitted in 2020 in discord to other SD handlers when discussing Mallow that she had snapped at children in public before and that they didn't consider it a problem worth correcting because she only did it when they were stressed, which is absurd and unacceptable in general but especially given that a large part of their disability is psychiatric and being in public greatly stressed them out by their own admittance. Mallow was actually ILLEGAL for them to be working by ADA standards for SDs because of her reactivity making her dangerous to the public and to other SDs. They should definitely not be giving out advice about service dogs because they knew that the whole time they were working her (she continued being worked for years after all this stuff in 2020) and they intentionally hid it from the general public.

That person is literally my #1 example of why protection breeds SHOULD NOT BE SERVICE DOGS and why I do not trust people who work them as SDs because they are almost always ignoring behaviors that make their dog unfit for SD work. Please stop listening to them about service dog stuff jfc.

#the very first time i met mallow we met up at a dog beach in FL #and mallow broke off from playing with Hermes to run a good 20 yards away #and attack some poor lady's LEASHED border collies that she was walking by with completely minding their own business #i literally have a video i was taking of Hermes to post online that fay that never got posted #because all you can hear in the background is mallow attacking that poor lady's dog #that is not a dog fit for service work #and yet Darcy continued working her knowing she was reactive and a potential danger #and intentionally lied about and hid it #he also did really irresponsuble things with her like putting her in downs in grocery stores and then just WALKING AWAY #sometimes even out of sight #as a way of showing off how good her down stay was #like he wasnt LEAVING A REACTIVE DOG THAT HE ADMITTED SNAPS AT STRANGERS UNSUPERVISED IN PUBLIC #PLEASE STOP ASKING DARCY FOR ADVICE #also ive had them blocked for a hot minute for being incredibly abusive so idk if their pronouns are still he/him so sorry if they aren't #i might think they're a dangerous and abusive person but im not trying to misgender them

[blueiight]

🙄 srsly ur not even gonna publicly defend ur friend when u know folks are completely misrepresenting the situation (and lbr some of that subset of fandom were just waiting to take her down a peg ever since she suddenly got popular). hiding in vague tags when u see people straight up lying abt her is so lame.

Yk i wasnt even gonna engage u or any of these other anons whove been screaming at me since 9 am my time yesterday accusing me of defending harassment or accusing me of being a ‘bad friend’. but ig i got time this morning n ur my springboard for answering them all. I Been Getting phil jackson level of racist troll anons calling me slurs calling for my own death too [which is hilarious lol real deal ppl tried to kill me n im pose to fold cuz anon #50 said die blueiight! like lol ok. at least say it behind ur real blog] & accusing me of being in some evil posse or like u accusing me of ‘not defending ppl’ enough bc i made a half assed delete tag post b4 going to clean up my lab yesterday that essentially said dont use a black woman’s untagged readmore that mentioned nobody as an excuse to harass a particular black woman under the pretext of ‘defending’ much less blame said individual’s emotions for other people’s cruel decisions to harass others. i might as well elaborate. situations where real people are harassed or being talked about require more maturity + thought than someone having a bad opinion on a fictional dynamic. this is not a matter of people's biases impacting their fictional analysis. these are people's biases against real life black women impacting real life black women [albeit on the internet but real ppl r behind these screens!], and i am a black woman myself. im not some 2 faced friend or some anon harasser im a real black woman. n to anyone reading: harassment is not caused by someone else being ‘protective’, online harassment is motivated by an individual/s cruelty. individual writers venting on their own blog r not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or someone else being cruel. u r responsible for as an individual for ur own feelings n ur own actions. no one is or should be so easily influenced by anyone's venting to the point of going to harass someone else. that is not how harassment works and that is wrongfully scapegoating. unless u have proof of someone’s ip or even some conjecture like typing styles to where yk the @s of anyone sent so n so (which ik none of u can pull up bc theres no proof of such) or w/e, ur just talking shit & being messy. u would think a shared interest woud make yall wanna act like u got some sense but yall wanna act like the teenagers u were never allowed to be in cliques over 2d yaoi. why r all u , even other black women, always so fucking weird to black women? willfully misinterpreting everything we say, tokenizing individual black women& attacking when that ‘token’ expresses any sort of feeling like i need all yall to go do sum bout yall selves and get the fuck for real. yall run black women out these fan spaces bc of ur parasitic relationship to their work, then wonder why everything is so white. its cuz the only fan creators u treat like human beings are older white ppl or fans of color that reinforce their views. i see right the fuck thru all yall.

#yn. #yn answers #im not sure what u want me to do that wont draw even more hatred toward ppl #cuz idgaf bout yall hating on me i just allude to the hate ive got so yall dont think im being a smug asshole lol #im reticient bc i dont want more hate that a real person is already getting to go her way. #theres a difference between me railing on bad takes & me defending a real human being whos getting hate from other authors who .. yea #i cant believe i even have to clarify this but i do #Yall just want me to fuel mess to see black women make complete fools of ourselves so u can say see thats why they cant be in fandom #w the they or the woke or w/e racially charged euphemism u have #not to mention most of these ppl have me blocked for w/e reason thats their prerogative so id essentially be talking to a brick wall? #like other ppl send me this shit i aint checking for them? stop sending me or anyone else shit about this #its envy cuz she got more kudos or w/e than them or disliking the tropes she used? #now ppl use this situation as pretext to call her 'problematic' to excuse their petty dislike #even in the fandom space.. they was never teenagers in cliques so they live that out as adults on the web #im glad i got banned from stores + got toe up rl so i wouldnt be sonso age doing <-

[united-under-skyfall]

.

#i think one thing i really didn't prepare for w overnights is just how fucking lonely it is. like yeah 80% of the reason i took it was to #get away from customers but like. it worked. and the night shift team is v v small. there's only 4 of us and we've never been scheduled all #at once yet. and usually we're running around on completely opposite ends of the building going long periods of time without #radioing each other. and then i come home all amped up and the rest of my house is still asleep. and then when they wake up #it's just to get ready and go and we don't really have time to talk. and by the time they get back i'm sleeping #and it's my first night off and i can't fuck up my whole schedule i worked so hard to switch over to w them flipping me all over the place #so now i'm just like. sitting in the half light trying not to wake anybody up not doing anything. the only places near us open are #gas stations and i can't exactly loiter there and what would i do even if i could. and it's too cold to go for a walk or to the park #or something. and i feel like i haven't talked to another human being about something that wasn't related to work in years #and it's only been a week. #and we can listen to music or podcasts or something but our carts and machines are so loud you miss half of it. and we can't hold #super long conversations when we ARE in the same room for the same reasons. plus we all want to die so none of us feel like talking. #and just. im tired and lonely and want to sleep and im already regretting this but i'd feel bad for backing out now when they have so #few options and i volunteered for it in the first place #and then there's also like. even just doing my usual solitary thing at home feels so much more isolated bc there's not the noises #of other people existing nearby. the nearest signs of life are some coughing and then a car on the other side of the block #just. what am i even doing here. #tag ramble

[foxgirlmoth]

.

#Hiw am I supposed to tell someobe that I love in the future that asking what I'm eating will make mw not eat fir a day #Because every time I'm asked that here Ibfeel like a burden #How about if I flinch to being touched unexpectedly? Even though I *crave* to be touched and loved #How do I get to feel loved when So Many Barbs have been implanted in my skin #Just so I can walk in this house with less pain #How can I sleep next to someone when my head is only calmed by a double dose of sleeping medicine or complete exhaustion #How can I be out and in the world when I can't even get past a semester of college without a breakdown #When can I stop climbing this 90° cliff. When does it stop #I can't hardly take care of myself #Who the hell wants that with me? #It's mostly just these damn. Mental blocks. Mental holdbacks #Yeah I can do work. Upkeep a house or whatever. #Care for pets and cook and take csre of myself thst way #But making a living?? In this economy? Fucking can't #Can't do it without my mental health tanking and it taking all my strength to not let it get too low #What am I even doing. Game Design? Art? I won't get mobey that way hahaha #I've heard that so many times from family so it MUST be true #I wanna stop crying. This never feels like me #Not this numb body. Tears stinging my eyes. Head hurts from sobbing depressed lump #I hate capitalism and the fucked up lives we gotta live in jts hellscape #I still so desperately need sleep. Please #ed mention #in the notes. Jic #Ranting again I'm sorry mutuals and friends #I don't thibj I'm okay rn #I just want a year I can sleep eat and play no worries #yknow?

[weirdbabs]

i used to enjoy netflix’s model of just dropping whole seasons at once bc i am generally pretty bad at keeping up with shows when theyre released weekly, so its nice to know when im starting it that i dont have to worry about catching up and then just. never watching again for some reason, missing out on plot details and such

but as ive gotten older i like it less and less bc if you want fandom engagement, youre going to want to release it on a weekly basis. you can see how many people tune in, people talk about it and make their silly posts, which in turn can help draw others in. plus having it on a weekly basis helps draw out the hype. you know for a fact people will be talking about your show for at least however many weeks its airing, which means it will be in the spotlight. plus when its a weekly release everyone is able to talk freely out the episodes bc you dont have to worry about where they are in the show. you can look at posts not having to worry about spoilers bc like. unless there are leaks, what youre going to be seeing is purely speculative

idk, i know netflix has been doing some weekly releases for some of their shows and delayed releases for others but like. i think they need to go towards a model of weekly releases

#i cant believe im saying that. even me from 2 years ago would be rioting at that statement ✊😔 #i think the arcane was a weekly release which i found out later bc. i still binged it bc i dont get on things asap #so its not like weekly releases would screw me over that way. i know komi cant communicate was weekly releases as well #i remember when stranger things s3 came out it seemed like who had completely watched it in like 8 hours and i wasnt even in the fandom then #but i was like alright i can definitely never look at the strangers thongs tag. ever. bc who knows what spoilers youll see #and you can look at the wwdits pine barons leak like. the tag went DEAD bc ppl didnt want to be spoiled #i was scrolling thru it basically covering my eyes and peaking thru going this is a bad idea lmaoo #not really i just had all tags blocked and was quickly scrolling past posts. anyway this was brought on by that sandman tweet

[luigra]

Just remembered why I don’t usually digitally paint

#FULLY RENDERING IN A PAINTING STYLE IS SO HARD #HOW DO SOME OF YOU DO IT #i know that just means I need to practice this more often but I'm just having trouble with figuring out the steps of the process #like. okay I try to block in the vague colors and then I can never narrow it down to the shapes I need #I try to sketch first and paint under the sketch and then i turn the sketch layer off and it looks like shit #still doesn't hold form #i try to fill in the flats first and shade them individually and it looks even worse #like they're all separate parts completely #HOW DO I DO THIS #ok luiger

[afieldinengland]

.

#flat update btw for those who care: this is my first friday night back in the flat since the night i moved in in july— which was a complete #terror because the bar downstairs was pounding music inhumanly loud from 5pm-2am and i had no forewarning or way to block the sound out #so i’ve been apprehensive— and only coming back midweek. well it’s friday night tonight and the noise is completely negligible— #or as negligible as a main road in bristol can be on a friday night at eleven o’clock. sirens and yelling but no pounding music even though #i know for a fact they’re meant to have a d.j. down there #and my earplugs as always are lifesavers :) and i’m getting acclimatised to city noise anyway. it always surprised me last year when i went #home and was reminded of the quiet movement / lively silence of a village— just foxes and pheasants and owls and sheep. and the river #oh i was so sure i was going to have a terrible evening….. instead i sat up late with my closest flatmate and his boyfriend and chatted #while they cooked. i’ve never really spoken to his boyfriend at length like that he’s so nice— reminds me of a friend from back home really #and i think we got on!! i made him laugh that’s good enough for me. and my flatmate clearly loves the bones of him #no wine tonight— i was worried i’d have to rely on it. some tea to take to bed and i might read macbeth on the harbourside tomorrow :) #ah. second year………

[im-tempted]

Listening to other people talk about life changing possibly deadly diseases will never fail to make me feel kinda itchy and sad

#hank green. shut the fuck up #'oh you can never go back to who you where without this' #YOU THINK I DONT *KNOW* THAT #i am shaking you violently i am so so so happy for you and need to block you on everything #i fucking hate people saying good true useful things #anyways #fuck #anyone else out here afraid they would be a completely different person without their disability #i do #all the time #adam fucking around

[sungwanns]

!!

#I’ve been working on self concept #bc I’ve always been a big spiritual and manifestation girlie #and sometimes I’d feel like no matter what I had a block #and people always say to focus on yourself right? #but i never really understood self concept until like three days ago and #i’ve been completely shifting my way of thinking #and not to be a preacher but my God this shit is seriously working ?? #I feel so lucky and fulfilled and things keep working out well for me #in three days!! #so excited to see what else I can bring it with just the right mindset 😇 #In the words of clc ‘I love me - I like it’ <3 #bear roars 🐻

[laurasimonsdaughter]

Picture this: Dragons using their caves to age cheese. Dragon Cheesemakers!!

The dragon coiled his enormous body, completely blocking the entrance of the tunnel that lead to the caves.

“No,” he snarled, smoke pluming from his nose.

The cheesemonger pinched the bridge of her own nose. “Look, I explained this to you at the start,” she tried once more. “I make cheese.”

“Yes,” the agreed, nodding his scaly head.

“Then I bring the cheese here.”

“Yes.”

“Then you store all the cheese in your cave, keeping it at the perfect temperature and humidity.”

“Yes.” He sounded particularly proud of this part.

“And then when the cheese has ripened,” she concluded. “I come to pick the cheese up again.”

A thunderous scowl clouded his maw. “No.”

“But that’s how it works!” she cried in exasperation. “I make the cheese, you store the cheese, I sell the cheese, I make more cheese!” She peered up at him. “You do realise I cannot bring you new cheese until I have sold this cheese.”

The dragon considered this for a moment. “Ah, but what if—” he began. “What if you go and make more cheese. And bring me the cheese. And I put it in my cave, with the rest of the hoard. And then I keep it there forever.”

“No,” she said flatly.

It was remarkable how much a dragon could look like it had just swallowed a lemon.

“You can’t keep cheese forever,” she insisted. “It will spoil and go bad!”

“You said it would get better and better!” the dragon roared indignantly. “And I take good care of them! With the air flow and the humidity and the temperature!”

“And that is great,” she said, trying to smile through her frustration. “But when a cheese is ripe, it’s ripe! Then you should not be kept anymore, it should be eaten.”

The dragon scraped it’s formidable claws against the stony ground and sulked.

“Look…” The cheese mongering business did not tend to require a lot of sweet-talking, but she was making an effort. “I’m sure the cheeses that aged in your cave are the best cheeses people have ever tasted. When they find out how delicious they are they will want us to make loads more. Maybe several caves’ worth!”

The reptilian eyes stared at her with disgruntled, reluctant interest. “Several caves?”

“If we’re lucky! And I could make so much cheese that I could bring you new cheese as soon as I pick up the aged cheese. Your cave would never even be empty!”

This seemed to strike a chord. The dragon lifted his head a little.

“And that would really be much better for the rest of your hoard,” she continued with fresh inspiration. “Because if you leave cheese too long, it might go bad and spoil the cheeses next to it too!”

A nervous ripple went through the beast’s scaly body, but he clearly was not convinced just yet. “But what sort of a hoard is it if I have to give it away,” he complained.

“Well! Cheese is not just any old hoard! It’s a developing creation! And you will have a hoard that is constantly developing too. Constantly changing, but, if we do this right, never shrinking.”

The dragon looked at her solemnly, wavering with uncertainty. Perhaps she shouldn’t hold it against the poor thing, it must be a difficult concept to wrap his head around.

“And I will tell you what,” she said encouragingly. “If business is good, I can start investing in some really good crumbly cheeses. You can keep those in your cave for five whole years!”

“That is quite a long time for humans, is it not?” he said, sounding a little more cheerful.

“Very long. Especially when it comes to cheese. Cheeses that have been aged that long are very expensive.”

In retrospect, she should perhaps have led with that. Gourmand or not, a dragon was still a dragon after all. A glittering, toothy grin appeared on her recalcitrant business partner’s shout and he moved just enough for her to move past him into the mountain.

“Tell me more about this expensive cheese that crumbles.”

She hid a smirk. “If you help me carry some of the current ones out, it would be my pleasure.”

#anon I am blowing you kisses #what a fantastic idea #don't get me wrong I also support dragons making their own cheese #100% #but this was the funniest to me #urban fantasy professionals #dragon #dragons #urban fantasy #laura drabbles