#so I'll try to hold it up a bit

[mattodore]

he's waiting on a call he's planning to send straight to voicemail

#sorry matthias </3 maybe he'll pick up the next time you try calling............ <- me when i lie #river dipping #ts4 #ts4 edit #gifs #theodore doe #echthroi #hi friends and lovers hope everyone's doing well <3 #i got my old laptop to work so i have a laptop again even if the battery on it is messed up #but still #i haven't been online much bc i've started getting dizzy from staring at computer/phone screens for too long #and in particular the act of scrolling either on mobile or desktop makes my head spin and my eyes hurt :/ #but i powered through it yesterday so i could get in game with theo (and matthias) since i missed him really bad... oc plague be upon ye #i took... well. like five hundred screenshots and forty videos... i was in the soup. the mattodore soup. what can i say? #i don't like posting too much on here bc. i'm crazy (<- has avpd) so i probably won't post much from yesterday's fun here #but i'll post whatever i want on pillowfort <3 pic of jerma holding out his hand captioned let's take mattodore together #what else should i say before leaving... right my inbox... well i'll get to it eventually <- have been saying this since october sorry #but okay i've been staring at my screen too long so i need to go lay down for a bit #enjoy theo in motion!! if you’re a theo-head like myself #theodite à la jermamite? hm. its in the works. i’m workshopping. #mentioning jerma twice in these tags… busting a cyanide pill onto my tongue i’ve said too much #i have to go now mwah mwah mwah bye warmth and love to you mwah

[thedreadvampy]

tonight I tattooed some lemons (Sam did some of the fineline ones)

#red said #as part of our breakup jay left me their tattoo gun to try out #which is. insane. cause that's like an expensive piece of equipment and yeah hopefully we haven't like. said goodbye forever. but still. #but like they were always gonna teach me to tattoo and we never did that so they said hey take the kit do what you will #i understand you're meant to start on fruit so hey. lemons. #I'll do a few more lemons then see about getting some skin-on pork #I've gouged up that first lemon a bit but you know what it's not bad for my first ever attempt holding a tattoo gun

[frecklystars]

i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.

i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please

i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light

#it feels so fucking terrible not celebrating my bday with my starlight. i used to buy myself cakes and put his figurine next to them #i mean i still have... a little bit over one week... i cant... let it pass by without him being involved somehow #so i might make a quick vent doodle and queue it for the actual day of my bday #i refuse to not draw myself with him at least once for my special day #its not like we 'broke up' or anything but fuck it feels so bad #he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that #im still in shock. im still in shock over what happened to me like i cant fucking believe it #wearing his necklace makes me cry so i just leave it on my dresser #that shouldnt be normal!!!! #but im hoping that shipping with barbie/ken is going to help me feel like i can reclaim control over my ships #bc my abuser made me feel like... i had no control over my TF ships whatsoever for a solid year #so now that i'm finally free of that toxicity i'm still shakily trying to learn how to ship again #i'll have moments where i'll worry ken will try to hurt me on purpose bc im so used to my abuser telling me how abusive any f/o would be #but then i tell myself 'hey what the fuck. this is MY story. NOBODY would abuse me i dont care WHO they are' #but it's so hard to unlearn several months of abuse 😔 #and even harder to look at a character who i invested so much time and energy and money into #my voice clips. my cameos. all of my steve blum autographs. my art for steve. all of it feels sad and numbing #not just stsc but everyone in any TF universe feels like... a threat and i get panic attacks when i see very specific characters sometimes #its awful. it hurts so bad. i love ken so much. but nothing compares to what i had with my TF comfort characters #but it's okay bc... ken is holding my hand and he might not understand ptsd at all but he can still squeeze me tight #and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock #vent #ptsd #sorry it's 5am i had a bad nightmare and now i refuse to sleep again #i fucking hate ptsd i fucking hate living like this i rly wish i knew how to cure myself #im exercising im eating and drinking often im sleeping as much as i can #theres only so much i can do #when does it get better?? when the fuck does it get better? im serious. not rhetorical. when does this finally heal #i dont even know if im healing or if im just distracted... but fuck ill take anything

[pastafossa]

Pasta I assure you everyone just wants you to get better right now <3 we’ll take anything you want to give us. We just hope the brain fog goes away <333

Thank you so so much anon! 😭 That really does make me feel a lot better (along with all the other responses, THANK YOU SO MUCH!). I'm hopeful too! Iirc I had the same brain fog problems after Feb 2020 when I caught it (early on, no treatment then, no clue what to do), and I know it improved eventually, so between all the stuff I have now to try to help, I'm reasonably confident - hell, I am writing now, just slowly, and that's already an improvement from a few weeks ago.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'll focus on improving and I feel a little better now about just kinda steadily chipping away at writing the chapter so it can be what I originally planned for it to be. <3

#ask response #i hate brain fog so much #but it *is* getting better so i'm holding onto that and trying to do all the recommended steps to improve it #i'll just keep adding my little bits to the chapter i think #cause i really do want it to be what i intended it to be #cause i thought it was a really neat little arc and i just don't think it works as well split up

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

oh my god what happened?? are you alright? do you need any help?

alright i will preface this by saying that physically, i am COMPLETELY FINE. please don't worry about me too much, i promise i'm physically okay and it's not that bad

the rest is under the cut not for length but in case people want to skip past it (warning for people being unpleasant)

so the short story is that someone i thought was an online friend suddenly sent me a pretty awful DM before blocking me. they said a lot of genuinely hurtful things which wasn't really good for my mental state since they preyed on a bunch of my insecurities, and i thought that i could trust this person. i'm doing better now thanks to my irl friends, but recovery is a process as usual. i'm not sure if you can really help apart from being emotional support, but your concern is appreciated nonetheless <3

#not brainrot #anon #btw if anyone wants me to put any trigger warnings just tell me and i'll get right on it #and people WONDER why i have trust issues especially with people online #they also had the gall to bring up my Foul Legacy addiction which is just so low #in case you haven't noticed i'm not the most confident person in the world and this whole debacle made it worse #it was also very out of the blue i kinda spent the first morning in shock #nor was it accusations it was just 'lol here are all the reasons i hate you' so that's. nice. #guess they've been holding onto these feelings for a long time. wish they could've been a bit kinder about it #not to mention that some of the stuff they said was straight up untrue #but my irl friends helped me a bunch so big thank you to them #anyways if i seem distant to people online these types of situations are why #i know this isn't a SUPER bad thing to happen from an outside pov but i sure didn't feel good after it #just a tad sad #unpleasant things #uhh dunno if i'll post anything else today but we'll try

[urlocallesbiab]

sorry to everyone who's been missing me/waiting for something from me, i've been slipping in and out of depressive fog for a week or two (and in general have experienced significantly worse depression than normal for a couple years, but that’s another story)

i long to get back, too; a lot of things to read and ideas to write and people to talk to. love y'all, take care

#signed: vika's ghost #also i've caught a cold so there's that too #terribly sorry for being overdramatic i'm just... tired of being tired and i wanted to talk about it a little bit #it's very important for me to talk about everything that's wrong with me. i tend to avoid that but now i'm trying to learn and to make peace #creative drive and ability to hold thought-out conversations keep slipping out of my graps and it kinda hurts more #— in a good cathartic sort of way but painful nonetheless — to remember what they felt like at all #i miss wanting to work on my wip and i miss having the attention span to write out headcanon and i miss having headcanons #and i miss talking to my fandom friends #(i did it just last week but i already miss it. it's one of the things i'd like to be able to do every day) #and i miss the ability to connect with art and i miss the ability to focus on written word and i miss commenting #and i miss discussing ideas and i miss interacting and i miss having fun. god i just miss having fun. #kp my apologies for not making much progress on bb&b; myself my apologies for not writing any of my other wips or outlines or posts; #da gc gang my apologies for not following up on any of the things; every fic writer whose work ended up in my to-read pile IM SORRY #jack & kp specifically i love your stuff #also jack my apologies for taking a While; & the rd gc apologies for never writing out any of the cool au thoughts i'd had after some point #really，i've been meaning to. everything requires way too much effort. everyone is so fun and i miss having fun #take care，remember me fondly，i'll be back，please stand by #if tomorrow morning i find this embarrassing i'll chalk it up to a fever or something. #idc i'm allowed to have it. world won't blow up if i'm embarrassing on the internet once or twice or honestly even forever #vikarambles #vent

[scattered-winter]

literally nothing worse than waiting for bad news to hit. like i don't know how i'm supposed to go to class with this particular sword hanging over my head

#especially since this particular Bad News could change So Much .. #i don't think my dad is ready to be shouldering the entire household by himself. i really dont. #with 3 kids still at home and his job i just. i dont think he can do it alone. #and both of my older siblings have lives already !! they have spouses and jobs and kids !! #they cant just pack up their lives and move across the state !! #but im not settled i dont have a job i dont have kids or a spouse and hell i was gonna leave school anyway !! #just. not this soon. #but fuck i guess i might have to move up the timetable a bit. #but the THING IS that I DONT KNOW YET. like i Know but i dont actually know officially. yet. #and idk. maybe im hoping it'll not turn out the way i know it will so im holding off on making a decision #or maybe im just trying really really hard not to think about the future for the next few days. #but either way by tuesday i'll know for sure and that'll be that. #ill need to talk to my landlord to see if they'll let me move out early. and my counselor to see if i can take a break from school for a bi #and probably my dad just to let him know that im moving back home. idk. i dont fucking know #winter speaks #personal #grief tag #<- gonna be a Whole Thing btw if u wanna blacklist

[orcelito]

Genuinely thinking about giving at least some of my alcohol away. Not quite wanting to get rid of my favorite vodka flavors yet, but the other ones + the ciders in my fridge...

Just kinda don't want them lol

#speculation nation #i still haven't had any alcohol since february 14th & i still dont know if ill ever want to drink again #the thought of alcohol just kinda makes me sick now. #ive enjoyed it in the past but now it just makes me think about how my dad died from alcoholism. #ive never been a binge drinker bc if i have more than 4 drinks at a time it Will make me nauseous #and ive only really drank maybe once or twice a month. usually no more than once a week at the most. #so like it's not like ive had much of a problem with alcohol before now #but it's also been my go-to for calming down my brain when im freaking out #and i have a history of using it as a form of self harm. #so a part of me knows that alcohol isnt good for me. and a part of me is scared of turning out like my dad someday. #better to just have nothing to do with it entirely. i dont want it. i dont want anything to do with it. #but at the same time my peach and strawberry vodka bottles are still relatively new and relatively full #and it'd feel like a waste of money to just give it away...😭😭😭😭 #so maybe ill hold onto those. for a bit longer. idk. #i dont even know if this current mindstate is gonna keep up. it's only been a bit over a month. #maybe someday i'll feel leas uncomfortable around alcohol again #... but today is not that day. i dont want this fucking alcohol. #negative/ #i guess. im just kinda trying to sort out my thoughts on it. #self harm ment/

[gaydryad]

accidentally getting a little too into my pedagogy class and starting to wonder if I should pivot and go into education (academic field)

#from the writer's den #void talks #not me seeing a paper on co-constructed rubrics as a potentially more positive route for writing assignments and pogging a little.......... #I'd be embarrassed but it was actually a really interesting read #and at multiple points while reading I was like wow I would love to try this in class as part of Contributing To The Science #like deadass... #specifically for creative writing I would be interested in merging it a bit with the stuff in the anti-racist writing workshop (book title) #about collaboratively defining craft terms with students as a means of community building #like that'd be interesting to look at! rubrics shmubrics frankly I don't think they have a place in creative writing but like #if we expand it to thinking generally about assessment--which is inevitable in any credit-giving class--I think it applies #ESPECIALLY !!! since one of the things that the authors talk about is how rubrics in general are a useful way of standardizing grading #and guess what !! non-standardized grading is also a big issue when it comes to equalizing across race class etc #so like genuinely I think there's something there #and I would love to do a little study on it #frankly I might just do so since I'll be teaching next year and have basically free book on course design #at very least will be keeping this in mind for later in the semester when we'll be talking about assessment #but anyway. marge meme (holds up the field of education studies) I just think it's neat #and I have so much respect for it

[ehlnofay]

wip wsunday (night)

tagged by @wispstalk (thank you kindly!) tagging back @ervona and @everybodyknows-everybodydies if you so please.

I put my long-ish tes piece on the backburner to take a break and write shorter things featuring my best friends elder scrolls characters from my mind and then I put THAT on the backburner because my very sweet grandmother paid for me to buy bg3 and. alas. look I can't play a game of this nature without fleshing out my player character far more than necessary and then I get curious. so here's a very shoddily scribbled bit from my very first playing-around piece (a rambling description of my character's extremely abandoned house)

#I'll make a blog for this game once I have more writing #and have played more of the game #I'm only just in act two so I feel like I should hold off trying to talk about it to the internet until I know more stuff that happens lol #but I'm already very attached to my still-forming character. they have problems like you would not believe #and I love to write a shitty little guy #got less than 6k words so far. across three bits of writing. and idk if I'd post any of them #they are mostly just exploring voice and tone #but I'm having fun with it! it's nice to try new things every once in a while #and this game provides ample fodder for weird messed up friendships (my favourite thing to write ever) #plus since romance is made to be such a big part of it #it might be the kick in the pants I need to actually attempt to get more comfortable writing romantic dynamics #which I do want to do. it's just hard and awkward when I don't feel it #ANYWAY #prob won't post anything much more about this game or character until I make the other sideblog #but. you know. huge news for people who are fans of bg3 and fay from tumblr #I'm sure there are millions of them #getting late now. goodnight! #ask game #wip #fay writes

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Guys I'm probably gonna be on hold for so long tomorrow (at least one phone call but probably gonna be three?? Possibly 4???) All places that do the hold thing) and I haven't felt great in ages so wish me luck :( Also probably gonna get bored and start to lose my mind to that advertising hold lady that repeats forever on one of them so...

I can try answering some asks if anyone has any of those about anything at all? I know I've been awful at answering some stuff lately but I'm gonna be stuck on the phone all day tomorrow anyway, so it's the perfect opportunity for it really.

(If I haven't answered something before, repeats are fine btw)

#might help get my brain in gear too... #i have no choice but to make these phone calls it sucks #however I'm gonna be silly funny #i have bread and nutella in my room but no toaster #so i have swapped the toaster for sprinkles because my nephew puts sprinkles on his nutella toast and i thought hey! #long day! earlier than normal morning! might as well have a bit of fun! #oh i shoulda brought the chocolate chips up too lmao #nutella on bread covered in sprinkles... #normal breakfast lmao #but yeah uhhh #asks!! about anything!!! I'll try and answer them while I'm on hold!!! #struggling hard right now but I'll be stuck on my phone anyway so might as well!!! #if i don't get any I'll just like... do something else its no big deal just ya know #might as well see if anyone wants anything while I'm there ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ #pop rox talks

[buysomecheese]

It's fucked up that barely anything has changed yet I feel so guilty

#I always try and refute accusations of me being an overthinker but they may just be right #I can't predict people but I can notice patterns like nobody's business #told him I liked him (because I said I would tell him and I dragged it out a bit but I am true to my word) #he thanked me we moved on and I don't know if I'm making u the differences in behavior that I'm noticing #like ok obviously yes we have texted a crazy amount tonight that is not the behavior I'm worried about texting is eh #what comes of it comes of it #it's the stuff irl like what's real what did I make up #fucking hate this shit bro #it's nice to not be holding a secret but I just kinda wish it wasn't a secret I had in the first place y'know #also yes I'm pretty damn sure some of the things he's saying/texting are his way of putting out feelers for Something #but I can't tell for What #so I think I'll let it slide for a week or two until one of us (hopefully him) figures it out ig

[fourteenthz]

Balthier man.... i need... I need to go to bed... please, why are u death flagging on me rn man... COME ON... HELLO??

#I DO NOT REMEMBER THE ENDING WELL GUYS IM KINDA MESSES UP RN #i remember like. explosions. maybe bahamut or some other ff summon which is like airships on this one #my memory is so incredibly shitty like I genuinely now think I mind remember something abt balthier leading man = sacrifice #and not from this cutscene i just went through. HOWEVER. my mind could also just be playing tricks on me so there is THAT #it has been 10 years and I sure knew like 1% of the english i know now so I really could me misinterpreted some scene #this happened before alright im holding onto that hope. anyway ffxii update: got my aspers. got my hunts. did a bit of main story and HEH #I'm just glad larsa is not with vane rn. man it makes me SO MAD every time they are close to each other. #I'm always staring vane like he genuinely looks like he wants to kill this kid so bad. “Its the only brother left how could he” OR SOMETHIN #LIKE THAT. IT MAKES ME SICK. i hate hate him the way he spoke to gabranth AAUAGAHAHA WHY DOES #HE LOOKS SO GOOD. MF. I want to throw him and cid out of those big ass windows they keep standing closer to #ITS RIGHT THERE... gabranth it is right there... larsa... someone hello... i love charming bad villains in ff #and square's power to make me hate pretty boys to my CORE. #but also *kicking my feet* balthier is looking sooo constipated rn *twirling my hair* .... I promise I'll be normal abt him #i just love LOVE when the story is not remotely focusing on him but he's like brooding on the side being #extra angst ITS SO INTERESTING compared to how he genuinely was always so talkative before. and he's still so confident. #talking to sky pirates making deals etc etc HE IS SO.. AAUAGHAHAH I LOVE how he didn't try to convince ashe anymore too #its so cool how they were all big family feels before going to the port and then ashe's own destiny starts to change their dynamic... #i love how his talk with her by the beach isn't even convincing her. he's just genuinely expressing how he feels and then now later they #talk abt what ashe will choose and if she'll yield to revenge path or not and hes just like “vaan. if something happens the strahl is yours #HE GREW.... LIKE... SO FONDLY OF HIM. and its just so mature how he isn't constantly trying to intervene with ash #none of them are. they are like “whatever she will choose jus lets go do this” and then there's him out there.... ready to do whatever #he needs too.... its just so fitting to his whole “all my running got me no where” its like him accepting that maybe #this is what he needs to do. they all got to the point that they won't step back anymore so the whole “why #are you doing this?“ is not even a question. is more like ”are we doing this?“ and just being ready to intervene is it goes south #this is. just. GIGGLES. I'm just so absolutely in love with the mcs relationship here. so much. i say this everytime #but larsa trusting ashe + they supporting one another + penelo worrying about fran everytime they see dense mist #+ balthier trusting the strahl to this kid + vaan truly understanding ashe ETC ETC ITS JUST SO SWEET.... #MAN.... I LOVE THEM. ashe baby girl don't fuck this up PLEASE ilu and i trust u COME ON!!! ur husband is dead YOU GOT THIS !¡! IGNORE HIM : #kelly plays xii #kelly says

[hyunebear]

in just a few hours skz will be breathing the same air as i am and i’m trying not to freak out too much abt it and cry my eyes out but that isn’t promised.

#adri.txt #sad rant? #IM JUST #i could be going u know............ but fuck the distance and just how untimely everything is 4 me rn #i'm trying to condition my brain to be positive abt it bc there's still march for me for the concert but oh god i just wanna curl up into a #ball and cry for six months over itsjhfjjgjkdfkgjfkj #my babies............ i could have gotten myself tickets bc it's easier right but why must u be so close yet so far away #i can't breathe. #sorry 4 the dramatics but as soon as they depart from incheon pray 4 my ass bc i'm abt to hold my breath #until they step foot on manila #IM JUST A LITTLE BIT CONCERNED #bc rn it's scorchingly hot in here after the rainy days we've just had and oh god the internet sucks #but i'm hoping for their safe flight and i hope they have lots of fun while being here and seeing the stays who deserved to see them too #one day i'll get my turn hhhhhh

[astrxealis]

sorry for rambling so much about milgram btw my thoughts are often a mess and i think too much about it but i am good now i think <3

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚ #i finally properly get fuuta's character i think teehee. after a lot of thinking and thinking and thinking #it hurts my head a bit ngl (figuratively) bcs ejghbghjag i try to look at it at all sides and whoops i end up getting confused w #what is the truth and what are my actual beliefs/feelings/thoughts a bit! </3 but my head is clearer now (hooray!) #anyway yeah fuuta innocent. guilty -> innocent -> innocent imo!! can't say totally for sure tho w the 3rd but i think he shld be forgiven #i feel a bit ehgbah for my thoughts being so messy before (also scared someone will misunderstand me) but i think yeah i was looking #at it already in the 2nd trial perspective. how to explain. but yeah blah blah blah yeah! #i think he's a good guy at heart fr but he. yeah. and i think there's smth to do with the 'pressure' and all with that #he needs to hold himself accountable for his actions even if it may be true that yk. he isn't the only one and it's rather sad he's the #only one who got all the blame so i get why he's acting that way even though ofc it isn't okay in the end. dude needs to admit and all #and he's getting uhh better! i want to talk more oops but it's almost 2 pm holy shit. i'll probably put my coherent thoughts in my notes #instead. but yeah. tbh i'm not sure if i can really say he always felt somewhat guilty/regret ever since the start #bcs it's he may just first feared the consequences but then again he never expected it to escalate to death (tho even if the #outcome turned out to not be that bad. cyberbullying is never okay!!! bullying is never okay!!!!!) but he's the character #who puts up a front of sorts and as someone who often likes characters like that. it's possible i'm misinterpretating him but #personally that's how i see it ^___^ but dude yeah guilty first trial fr so he can be more yk to really loosen up and admit it n all #or at least. take a step closer to doing so. yeah!!! okay i think i've properly cleared my head now #i just hope no one like. misunderstands me from my many rambles WABHBJHBG #oh i actually really relate and understand fuuta actually. yeah. NOTHING AS BAD AS HIM i mean that genuinely but yeah #he's starting to accept that his actions bring heavy consequences and he's showing a lot of guilt and regret. still a tough front tho #aghhhh i really hope he gets voted innocent this time around for real. he's a good guy at heart and i do think he always knew #he was guilty. and etc etc etc i stop rambling now zzz love fuuta fr tho his character means a lot to me actually #actually idk there's still a lot to his character i feel. it's either from his perception still or yk. does he actually feel guilt? #but yeah imo he does. and i'd like to believe that too also bcs i get his character but i ofc can't still tell for sure! #blame shifting may still be a problem. he feels regretful for sure i believe but for what reason is a question still #tbh judging fuuta here is (for me) like judging me from a bit into the past so sorry if i'm really fired up about this. #i get he's just a fictional character but i really want to do this 'right' (but what is right tbh?) #in any case even with all the complications i think he's improving. sort of. and guilty is concerning for him if he YEAH. so innocent. #oops too much tags but i get it now <3 !! also btw i've never bullied/cyberbullied anyone just to be clear :] just to be clear

[noxtivagus]

bro i just want to sit n think of stories ( i got off-topic in tags but oh my god i really just want to write again.. SO MUCH WORDS N THOUGHTS N IDEAS IN MY HEAD HFLKASJDFS ><; )

#🌙.rambles #I RAMBLE SO MUCH tbf it is 2 am.. #can't help it hdljfdsk it really means so much to me to feel more like myself again #like there's still so much more i haven't been able to do n. regrets.. many of them but #there's so much more to life than that grrr i just need to remember that #success to me in school or work means nothing compared to the love i have for life and humanity as a whole #and my desire to.. really just live n be human #= stuff on family friends love in general in whichever form. learning more. of the world. indulging in my passions n being creative ykyk #the.. idea of success though is something that's a bit of a weak point for me bcs i really get too harsh on myself #but just. so long as i'm here in some way then #even if it hurts n the pain is hard to get rid of i'll live with it. i'll manage if i hold on to what's important to me #i. do feel bad bcs there r some things i wna do right now but i'm still.. v hesitant to do #i am rambling again oh my god i told myself i'll shut up but hdfjalds disappointment n self-doubt rlly r hard to deal with :< #smth i'm really trying to work on is being kinder to myself when it comes to others #bcs it's not that i necessarily think lowly of myself but i have difficulties with accepting stuff like #i don't know stuff like what i mean to them? i'm. really weak to that bcs when it comes to that i often cry actually #not that i necessarily doubt the other but it has something to do with how i feel i belong in this world #there's this.. barrier that's constantly there. i want to belong but i'm afraid. #i repeat saying these stuff often bcs. i don't know it really just often bites at me n sometimes the hopelessness #i feel within myself with a certain incompetence to change despite knowing what i need to do gets too much sometimes #i think that reflects on how i reach out to others sincerely. i genuinely want you to know that. i really care #sorry though if i disappear or get quiet at times. i feel really bad about that but it's really hard for me to get past that kind of #mental block. #but i'm afraid i suppose that if i'm the first to reach out maybe it's totally unwarranted n unwanted n i'm just a bother #i isolate myself often bcs of those thoughts. but like yeah it loops back to i need to do better n i genuinely wnt to improve myself #i don't want to be a burden but i want to stay true to myself. so i end up returning a bit #but then loops back to. yeah. being too much or too little. overwhelming or distant. extreme ends. #i end up often unintentionally restraining myself. hiding certain aspects n i hate it. even being affectionate or kind sometimes #bcs i really just want to be who i really am but i'm afraid that if it doesn't fit a certain standard set of myself then i'll be alone #i'm really trying to improve but there's just so much to think n feel n do n i just hdfkdfjlsd but i'm genuinely fine rn /gen 🥹🫶🏼