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#so I'm just posting it
all-of-my-yesterdays · 9 months ago
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Fire is burning all around the two men and lava laps at the edge of a lake. Vader’s saber had gone cleanly through Obi-Wan’s stomach in a deadly embrace. There was a a delay between his mind registering the agonizing pain due to shock. The saber was still lit, still burning him from the inside out. He had thought he had managed to reach Anakin in all of this madness.
"Anakin..." Obi-Wan hiccuped. His breathing was rapid and shallow, as he tried to focus on the man holding him.
"Shhhh, master." Vader cooed softly as if speaking to a spooked animal, finally turning off the blade.
"...Anakin? Anakin..." This time the words failed the negotiator. There were thousands of thoughts racing through his mind as he knew he was dying. His body began to shake and Vader lowered him to the ground with reverence. Obi-Wan's head was gently cushioned on the Sith's lap. Perhaps a small comfort in his dying moment.
"This had to be done, my master. I regret that, but I promise, no one shall taint your memory with what is to come."
"W-w-why?"
"Because I love you, but we both know you'd have tried to stop me and fought with me." Vader said simply, watching the beloved grey blue eyes become unfocused. He was killing the best part of himself, but Obi-Wan would understand the need for this sacrifice once he brought the Galaxy to its knees. Obi-Wan continued to fight the pull of death. His breathing rough and his vision blurred.
The last thing Obi-Wan saw was Anakin's small smile and burning golden eyes.
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onebizarrekai · a year ago
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heck I keep forgetting to post this
please read carefully; this relates to certain kinds of fan content creation.
to be completely honest, some culminated experiences from the last few months are making me lean towards ambivalence towards whatever content people feel like creating.
I can’t control other people or tell them what to do, and there are always inevitably people who have different ideas than I do, so I think I really should just back out of all involvement and protest of certain content types.
people have the free will to create and share whatever they want, and even if I don’t agree with it, I can’t force anyone to agree with my own ideals. even if I fear repeated patterns, or people getting hurt, it’s not my business unless that person is directly associated with my personal life. often times, content creation is a hobby, and who am I to tell other people what to do with their time? maybe it’s sort of condescending to walk in and tell strangers how to think, regardless of who’s right or wrong.
that being said, you probably figured out by now that I’m talking about explicit content–I’m not going to monitor it much at all anymore, unless it is incorrectly tagged (aka, it is not properly labeled as explicit, or it is misleading, etc). I will only encourage people to avoid it if they are not legal adults, but if they decide otherwise, I can’t force my own experiences onto them if they decide to choose differently. I might block people if I get really uncomfortable, and that’s it.
similarly, I will not be monitoring who is having explicit content made of them–by that I mainly mean I won’t stop people from making content with underage characters as long as it is tagged as underage, if they really want to. yes, I will likely block people if they make anything distasteful or romanticize anything unhealthy, or if they repeatedly try to get me to talk about things I’m not comfortable with talking about. but yeah, realistically, minors have sex with each other all the time, and while I don’t think it’s in responsible taste, that doesn’t change that the fact of the matter exists–not to mention, on contrary to real life, it’s fiction. it doesn’t help that the laws for legal age varies from country to country.
I will only monitor and ask people to adhere to my requests when it comes to my own content, not yours. if I post explicit content on my ao3 for example, I do not want minors interacting with it.
also, please remember that gore is considered a form of nsfw and I hope that you apply the same tagging sensitivities for it as one would apply to sexual content. I am personally very sensitive to detailed violent content, and I don’t want to come across it by accident, so please be considerate in that regard.
please note that I still hope for the main tags to remain sfw, so please continue keeping it like that. thank you!
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I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.
Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.
I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:
Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.
Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.
Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)
Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)
Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.
Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.
Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)
There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.
I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:
growing up in a dysfunctional household
having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)
on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.
(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 
anyway back to more risk factors:
being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)
being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)
being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)
being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.
growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.
There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.
I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.
Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.
We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.
And gradually, we can learn to heal.
(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)
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eugeniedanglars · 10 months ago
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BEYOND obsessed with this house in fort worth, texas i mean
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okay pretty normal, let’s look at the interior photos—
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WHAT THE FUCK
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here we see the first example of a pattern that will recur throughout the house, which is that once your eyes adjust to the bonkers dictator chic marble-and-gilded-everything, you notice some pretty egregiously shoddy workmanship. look at how that baseboard intersects with the outlet. look at how the marble... uh, thing on the wall (i was gonna call it a fireplace but it’s not a fireplace, i have no idea what that is) has gaps and weird angles wherever two pieces meet. it’s like they’re trying to recreate versailles on an ikea budget
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i... don’t hate the kitchen. i mean, obviously it’s ugly and #toomuch and there was zero effort made to match the very modern appliances and sink to the cabinets, but still, i’m a sucker for a pass-through and a big sink with a window above it.
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this ceiling Fucks but the wrinkly, uneven curtains and terrible caulking around the faux-column in the middle anti-Fuck
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why did we suddenly completely switch aesthetics. why is there an old TV set into the wall at floor level. why is there a tiny set of doors next to it. why does the fireplace look like an asset ripped from the original dark souls. i feel a sinister presence sucking at my soul the longer i look at this photo
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i feel like whoever designed this monstrosity started with the dining room and then once they’d finished it realized they’d blown half their budget on just this one room. it’s so overdecorated that the gaudiness feels intentional, like it’s a statement rather than a side effect of genuine tastelessness. i can applaud that.
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here we have the antithesis of the dining room. i don’t know what this room is supposed to be but i hate it. i’m pretty sure everything in this photo literally came from ikea. there is a lack of commitment here and it is rancid
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ladies, gentlemen, distinguished colleagues, we have now hit the cornerstone of any great tacky real estate listing: the heart-shaped bathtub! this one gets bonus points for being next to a gilded mirror and surrounded by bright red damask wallpaper. as a bathtub i’d give it a 1/10 because those angles look incredibly uncomfortable, but as a place to shoot my lover through the heart while wearing a gauzy fur-trimmed bathrobe before fleeing with our ill-gotten fortune i’d give it a solid 11/10
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here we are with the lack of commitment again. this literally looks like the kitchen in my college dorm but with a weird fringey lamp and some curtains that are absolutely too long for their windows
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again, the mix of styles here is just killing me. half damask wallpaper and carved wall panels, half normal-ass bathroom? really? isn’t there anything truly unhinged left in this house? anything truly opulent, decadent, off the chain, extravagant, gaudy—
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THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT BAY BEE!!! THAT’S MORE THE FUCK LIKE IT!!! COMMIT! TO! THE! BIT! GO BIG OR GO HOME! IF YOU’RE GONNA STICK A CEILING DOME IN THE FOYER OF YOUR SUBURBAN TEXAS HOUSE IT HAD BETTER BE TWELVE FEET IN DIAMETER AND PAINTED WITH DOZENS OF FLOWERS OR ELSE WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE??
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and finally, to close out the show, a reminder that this entire acid trip of a real estate listing took place in an ordinary, modern single-story house in texas, one with a backyard and utility boxes on the exterior walls and neighbors who may be blissfully unaware that they live mere feet from a yawning pit of madness.
i love tacky real estate listings.
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howtobeapersonwithfibro · 10 months ago
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friendly reminder that if you have a hard time eating due to nausea or other chronic illness ickies, just eat what you can eat. even if it’s not particularly “healthy,” getting calories in your body to help it function is more important.
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agigabyte · 8 days ago
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The majority of the people in the trans community (irrespective of assigned sex) are potential targets for the dual framing device of "you're either an incompetent hysterical woman or a dangerous oppressive man, depending on what's most politically convenient for me."
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for some reason i personally am receiving a lot of snide comments (and a few “kill yourself you pink cunt” etc messages) regarding this tumblr+ horseshit....despite the fact I:
only just heard about it, have literally nothing to do with it
have no intention of signing up for it? it’s bullshit?
have already spoken, multiple times, at length, about how i very specifically and purposely avoid putting content behind a paywall, even when it would make more sense for me financially, bc i genuinely believe in the importance of keeping online content accessible.
i’m assuming this is punishment for the fact i include tip jar links in some of my posts (which some of you have been, haha. passionately rude about), despite the fact reader support is how I try to earn a modest living (hi. disabled and unemployed here), while keeping this blog free of sponsors/ads, and (again) not putting extra content behind paywalls, even though that has always been an option (patreon, ko-fi, other platforms exist).
so no, i’m obviously not signing up for tumblr’s new subscription ‘feature,’ as it’s the antithesis of the values i try to adhere to. and that i have talked about. multiple times.
so great job tumblr. you really fucking excel at punishing people for the behavior you claim to want to see.
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zackkufair · 4 months ago
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friendly reminder to support gifmakers who are still active and creating lots of content despite the horrible treatment we get from users. i don’t know if you noticed but many of us are quiting (and rightfully so), therefore if you want your favorite gifmakers to keep creating content SUPPORT THEM BY REBLOGGING. i can’t stress this enough, tumblr is not instagram, its whole purpose is to create and share. so yeah please try to support content creators if you don’t want them to leave.
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