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#so I'm sorry if it's inaccurate lol
limoncats · 1 month
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happy pancake day y'all
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remylong · 3 months
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the murder fandom is dying reblog to kill it quicker
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sharkologydesign · 1 year
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Gintama is what they mean when they say "Boys will be boys"
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galaxyseclipse · 3 months
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saw a post one time about referring to adhd as "bees in the head" or something like that
and being honest, that is extremely helpful for describing it to people who either don't have it or do and don't realize it(such as my mom lol)
because "attention deficit hyperactive disorder" makes it sound like I'm running around and screaming all the time and can't pay attention for shit(not saying that neither of those happen, mind you)
but if I say "there's a bunch of bees in my head" it more correctly describes how my brain functions, because it's more like there's a bunch of thoughts running around my head all the freaking time
occasionally they all are focused on one thing, but more often than not they aren't, and that's where the "attention deficit" part comes from
the bees are all doing different tasks and my head's constantly "buzzing" with thoughts, so I can't focus on one set of thoughts for very long
especially if it's something "the bees" don't like, they'd rather be doing something else, so they do, so no bees are studying American history and I can't tell you shit about American history
but I can tell you a bunch of stuff about the history/lore of my favorite games/ocs, because that's something "the bees" wanted to do/focus on because it gives them metaphorical honey
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cherry-blossom-qf · 2 months
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~My Autistic Journey in a Nutshell~
My mom: You're autistic.
Young Me: No I'm not! I feel emotions! And the TV says that autistic don't have emotions!
The doctor that told my mom: You're autistic.
Young Me: No I'm not! I'm extremely dumb! And the TV says that autistic people are mega smart!
My friends: YOU'RE AUTISTIC!!!
Young Me: No I'm not! I talk too much! And the TV says that autistic people don't know how to talk!
God (probably): YOU, MY CHILD, HAVE AUTISM!!
Young Me: NO I'M NOT!! I JUST HAVE ADHD!! THAT IS ALL!!
----
Me (Christmas Eve, 2020): Why do I always have a meltdown when it gets too loud? Why do I feel every emotion all at once sometimes? Why can't I understand something simple when everyone else can? Why am I just a blabber mouth about the weirdest things? What is wrong with me?? Am I broken!? Why can't I be normal!!!
My mom: I've been telling you this every time you've asked. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just autistic. Autism is a spectrum, and you're on it. And remember that little ADHD you got? It sometimes links to autism.
Me (finally understanding it): ....Oh... Well that explains a few things..
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knowssowell · 9 months
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i seriously can't wait to find out what angela and wesley named their daughter. 🥺💗
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hekateisconfused · 4 days
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I'M DEDICATED TO THE PAST BUT ALSO YIPPEEEE
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Since I hardly ever read Youtube comments on purpose, much less endeavor to carry on a conversation or whatever with someone on there, I will unfortunately subject you all (although I'm putting it below a read-more, so you have the choice to read it or not) to my critique of a comment on that video that made my eyes nearly roll out of my head.
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I don't know if it's men immediately associating everything done by [presumably cishet] men with masculinity, or if men are also inclined to associate everything done by women with femininity...but...yeah, that's probably the case here.
And, yeah, I'm sorry, but HOW EXACTLY is "In a Big Country" a "boisterous, masculine, joyous song"?! You know, the song with the lyrics "Stay alive"? The song with the lyrics "Pull up your head off the floor/Come up screaming/Cry out for everything you ever might've wanted"? That's masculine? That's JOYOUS? THAT'S PAIN; DEEP, EMOTIONAL PAIN. Dear god. I'm not sure who doesn't seem to understand masculinity or joy here. Is it me?
Because to me, especially, when I hear the line "Stay alive," I hear someone - gender considered or no - who STRUGGLES to [want to] stay alive, so that it is a deeply-felt, fervent wish that everyone who hears it continues to stay alive because that might possibly be his last hope/dream that he can depend on and take a semblance of comfort in. WHERE DOES JOY COME INTO THAT?
I'm...I'm...once again...ONCE...AGAIN...men fail to comprehend the real emotional depth intended in art. Even when originally shared by another man/men (considering what Tony Butler said on behalf of December's cover, I'm giving all of Big Country the benefit of the doubt that they knew what was at stake in the song - emotionally).
I am just shaking my damn head because I think even Stuart would laugh over that comment. I think he'd be like 'Boisterous? Joyous? Okay, show me where.' "Boisterous" MAYBE in their live performances of the song, and YET Stuart's loud and obvious urge to the audience to "stay alive" during those same performances is as genuine and serious as one can get in rock music, I think. No, I don't know who Stuart Adamson was in real life, never met him, never had the chance to know him or talk with him, etc....but from his music considered primarily, and performances and interviews considered second, I do not think he would genuinely entertain that. Maybe - maybe he would humor that comment in a 'Well, I'm just the artist, but once it's shared with the world it's not really mine anymore' type of way, but I don't think he would seriously agree.
And for the last motherfucking time (I WISH!!!), just because a woman/femme sings on a song does not automatically make it feminine. WHAT is it with people and 'perceived gender does something = that thing that was done is now apparently gendered'? Although, of course, that fails to consider that anything "non-feminine" that men do is normal (because men are the default) and anything "non-feminine" that women do is now assigned female [task/title]. Like, jesus, for fuck's sake, it's almost like IT'S JUST THE SHADOW OF THE PEOPLE WE SHOULD BE. (I'm dying on that hill.)
The real thing, in my grain-of-salt of an opinion, about this cover that deserves to be pointed out instead is that it finally reflects the intended emotional depth of the song, supported largely by the added, closing lyrics of the song: "Sometimes it's hard to stay alive." Because that's what Stuart meant by the song. He listed all of his observations about how difficult life had been lately ("I've never seen you look like this without a reason/Another promise falling through/Another season passes by you/I never took the smile away from anybody's face/And that's a desperate way to look/For someone who is still a child"), presented his coping mechanisms ("I'm not expecting to grow flowers in a desert/But I can live and breathe/And see the sun in wintertime/In a big country dreams stay with you/Like a lover's voice fires the mountainside"), and then said, 'BUT IN SPITE OF ALL THAT, if I can't go through with all of this - if all of these things don't work out for me – I hope they work for you, because I want you all to stay alive; do as I say, not as I do' - "Stay alive."
December's cover of this song sees the original writer's intent and renders it poignantly, lyrically and in the music - and damn well perfectly.
I could've just said that one sentence ^ though, and it would've made far more sense than whatever the hell that dude said about gender expectations. lol
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mariacallous · 3 months
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i'm so tired of the "hold your nose and vote blue" people omg. it's like they can't reconcile their awareness that there's no excuse not to vote for dems with their desperation not to lose clout with the online left and like... repeating that all dems are awful does not have a less damaging effect because you tepidly say we should probably vote for them anyway. quit being weasely about it and go help register some people to vote or something, you're not fucking helping (sorry to rant in your inbox lol)
It’s obnoxious and I’ve been sick of it since 2015 at least. And the people venting their spleens at and about the democrats always seem to trail off with “but the republicans are worse” like you’ll go on about how Biden is a moderate piece of shit committing multiple genocides and actively crushing people and leave it off with “but the republicans are worse” and not elaborate?
And it’s always been exaggerated and distorted or inaccurate claims which makes it worse.
I don’t have the patience or the time or the inclination for all of that and America can’t afford that bullshit.
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nana-gumi · 27 days
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devoted f.toji
pairings: fushiguro toji x fem! reader
cw: heavy angst, arranged marriage, illness, inaccurate descriptions of heart disease (just did some research lol), megumi is 5 years old, mentions of abuse, some kissing, mentions of pregnancy, drinking, toji is giving mixed signals, suggestive themes, lots of cursing, happy ending. wc: 18k
a/n: this was a filo au that i posted on tiktok, but due to problems posting on tiktok, the story wasn't finished and now here it is with an ending!! sorry for the long wait my tiktok readers 🥹 i'm sorry if the ending did not meet your expectations :') will post the angst ending soon
despite the years his past wife died, he still couldn't move on. it's up for the fate to decide if you could change him.
happy ending | alternate angst ending
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being an outcast in your family is the worst. you were forced to marry someone who's like you.
toji fushiguro, an outcast in his family and both of you were forced to marry each other. you've heard rumors about him. mostly bad ones. his father's company is famous after all.
toji have a son from his deceased wife. the time you met his son, megumi, you thought the kid will hate you but it was the opposite. he welcomed you, even told you that he was happy he finally has a mother.
you and toji never really interacted with each other that much, only if needed, like family gatherings or when megumi is around. who would want to show a kid that you're not interested with each other, right? but when it's just the two of you, both were completely a stranger to each other. there were times were you wanted to start a conversation because sleeping in one bed was awkward especially when there's no conversation at all.
you did start a conversation at some point but toji's presence was intimidating enough to shut you up. as time passes by, you're getting used to his presence. he seemed to be scowling at all times but you noticed that, that's just how he is. you continued to interact with him until you and him finally got comfortable with each other, where good morning and good nights were exchanged. but then you've grown attached to the man, especially his son.
when you asked toji why his last name is fushiguro, he told you that it was his deceased wife's last name. toji still refused to bring back his last name which is supposed to be zenin. he told you that his family once forced him to use zenin again but toji simply ignored them. even though toji was an outcast, none of his family couldn't argue with him so he kept the last name fushiguro while you stick with your own last name.
being an outcast, you didn't feel any love from your family and the simple things toji showed you made you feel loved. that night he let you borrow his jacket when it started to snow unexpectedly, those times where he makes extra coffee for you, he would even let you hug him if you have nightmares and most of all, he defends you from your family.
that's what you loved, no– love about him. but you wonder, does toji feel the same? and the answer was already obvious. toji only accepted the marriage because he doesn't have a choice. they will remove him from the business his family owns and he doesn't want that because he needs money for his son, megumi. he promised his deceased wife that he'll take care of megumi after all.
and you adore toji for that. sometimes you think, will toji cherish you the same way he does with his deceased wife? even if his wife died many years ago, he still have the love he has for her, as if she's still around to feel it.
-
you were currently laying on the couch as you hug yourself for warmth. it wasn't an argument with toji, but you just want to be left alone for now. the words "i love you" accidentally slipped out of your mouth, and you didn't mind if toji doesn't reply and you just hoped he didn't reply to it at all.
"i love you, toji." you whispered, enough for him to hear and his eyes looked guilty as he looked away from you.
"you shouldn't." toji replied. "you'll just hurt yourself."
"i know."
"you know we're married only in papers, we already decided to be just friends." you already know that, but you couldn't just hold back anymore, and of course he would say that. toji thinks no one could replace the love his deceased wife showed and gave him. she was there at his lowest point, she comforted him, told him the words he doesn't know he deserves to hear and toji just couldn't open his heart to love someone, at least not anymore. his wife was enough, megumi addressing you as his mother is enough, even a part of toji doesn't want it.
you glanced at the ring he's caressing on his finger. it should be the ring you placed on his finger on the wedding day but instead, it was the promise ring his wife had gave him. your heart couldn't ache anymore. you're so used at the empty feeling that it doesn't hurt you anymore.
"i'm sorry.." you mumbled as you excused yourself, deciding to just sleep on the couch. there you've grown to realize that being attached with toji fushiguro was the biggest mistake you'll ever done but you'll never regret.
-
you woke up with a shuffling beside you. you opened your eyes and saw megumi with his small blanket on his hand as he frowned at you.
"mama, it's cold." megumi said as he hurriedly draped his blanket above you.
"it's fine, megumi." you smiled at him as megumi tucked his small body on your arms.
"mama, did papa make you cry?" megumi asked and you pinched his nose as you disagree with his question.
"no megumi, mama fell asleep here while watching." you said.
"okay, i love you mama." megumi said and it has been minutes since he said those words and you were still silent that it made megumi look up at you.
"mama, i love you." he repeated with a hushed tone.
"i―" it was as if you choked on something as you embraced the child. "i love my baby too." you muttered.
after that conversation with toji, everything feels weird as if it's reminding you of your place, that you were forced to marry toji to strengthen your family's bond with the zenin's.
"papa loves you too." megumi mumbled and you just hoped it was true.
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toji's mother suddenly visited that day without a notice and toji wasn't around. his family doesn't really hate you but there's always a weird atmosphere around when you're close with them. just when his mother asked where toji was, he suddenly came back from work.
you knew he went here in rush, and the way he wrapped his arms around you as his lips came in contact with your forehead made your heart flutter. but you reminded yourself that it was only for a show. his mother smiled at the scene as toji sat beside you on the dining table.
"what brings you here, ma." toji asked in an annoyed tone.
"i just wanted to visit my grandson." you excused yourself a bit as you made your way towards the kitchen to make them something to eat and drink, and when you came back, the question you and toji were avoiding got asked by his mother.
"when do you plan on having another child?" she asked.
"no plans yet, we're to busy to have another child running around. megumi is enough."
"it's been a year since you're both married. why not give it a try?"
"ma―" you cut toji off before he could say something harsh to his mother.
"we did try it, ma, but it didn't really work so we decided to just wait for the right time." you answered, lied for toji and his mother seemed to buy it.
"ok.. but i am getting old, toji. we need to see a female granchild too." she said before excusing herself to go to her grandson who was playing. toji huffed at her mother's response as he stood up from the chair.
"i am sorry about that, toji." you said because as much as possible, you wanted to avoid answering that question too. toji sighed as he left the kitchen to get changed and when he went back to the living room, his mother was about to leave.
finally. he thought.
"just give it a try." toji's mother told you as she went inside her car.
"why'd she go here without informing me." toji muttered as megumi sat between you and him on the couch, showing the chocolate his grandmother gave him.
"i was surprised too."
"that's fine, thank you for covering up for me." he said as he stood up from the couch and took the chocolate on megumi's hand while carrying him. megumi whined in surprise as his father carried him like a sack of rice as you slowly followed behind.
"papa!" he exclaimed, kicking and punching but it was no use.
"come on, we don't want mama to get mad for eating to much sweets at night." toji said. he wasn't talking about you, you know that.
he placed megumi down beside the refrigerator as he placed the chocolate inside.
"too much sweet is not good for you." toji said as he carried megumi once again.
-
you just finished washing the dishes as you walked past megumi's room, and their muffled voices made you eavesdrop at their conversation, and you maybe you just didn't.
"megumi, why are you being so stubborn? you don't want mama to get mad right?"
"mama doesn't get mad at me!" megumi yelled as you smile a bit at his words.
"megumi, did you already forget your real mama, hm? she'll be sad in heaven. you want that?" toji said and his words was like a needle that was continuously poking at your chest.
"huh? but mama is here." megumi said, pointing at the door.
"look, (name) is just a replacement for your mama, but your real mama? she loves you, her love for you couldn't be replaced by someone."
"even (name)?" megumi said, and the way he addressed you by your name, you admit hurts. you took a deep breath as you felt a sharp pain in your chest. but that's fine, you're already used to it.
"yes, now go and sleep okay?"
"okay."
-
megumi started acting awkwardly towards you the next day, he was trying his best to avoid your gaze, maybe even you. he would stutter through his words between calling your name or 'mama'.
"bye bye, (name).." megumi looks away at you as he held toji's hand.
"bye bye." you replied as you forced a smile and megumi looked back once at the front door as they finally left the house.
-
"papa, i don't want to see mama sad." megumi said as toji placed his seatbelt. megumi might be a kid but he can clearly understood human emotions. when he called you by your name earlier, he saw how your smile disappeared but then you covered it up by a forced smile, and you just let him call you by your name.
"she's not sad-"
"yes she is."
"you don't understand, megumi." toji said and megumi only kept quiet because he knew arguing with his father is useless.
-
megumi jolted awake. he fell asleep after being in school the whole day as he searched for your presence. he had a dream, a really bad one and he found you in your and his father's room, talking to someone in your phone. megumi heard a sob coming out of you. you said something that megumi couldn't quite hear as you finally ended the call. he watched as you wiped your tears with your palms and took a deep breath. megumi silently close the door as he went back to the living room, sitting patiently as you appeared on his view.
"oh, megumi. how was your sleep?" you asked as you kneeled infront of the boy. megumi observed your eyes, they were a bit red.
"it's fine, mama." you were taken aback. he's calling you mama again. you smiled as you cupped his chubby cheeks.
"are you hungry?" you asked and he nods as you guided him on his feet. he didn't let go of your hand.
"mama, i love you. you're my one and only mama." you felt megumi's small hands squeeze your big ones, as if he's reassuring you of something.
"i love you too, my one and only baby. now let's go and prepare dinner!" megumi noticed that your mood shifted, and he was proud of himself that he was the one who brought a smile on your face.
-
it's unusual for you to wake up with toji's arms around you. you knew toji didn't do it on purpose, he was drunk last night and you just want to indulge the moment, even just for a minute or even seconds. you felt toji moved and you immediately stood up from the bed.
why do you feel guilty? it's not like you and toji were cheating on his wife. but that's how you felt. toji was still sleeping as you sighed, placing the blanket above him as you went out of the room.
"good morning, mama!" megumi greeted as he closed his ipad off.
"morning, 'gumi. what do you want for breakfast?"
"anything you cook!" he answered as he sat on the kitchen stool, watching you prepare the ingredients you needed.
"pancakes or rice?"
"rice!"
"okay." you laughed at his energetic response.
"mama can we buy art materials later? my teacher said we'll do arts on monday."
"sure, let's go out after we eat."
-
toji heard you and megumi talking as he arrived the living room. and just as he was about to enter the kitchen, your body bumped on his chest.
"oh, i was about to wake you up. breakfast is ready." you said, about to went back to the table but toji held your arm to stop you for a moment. he placed his other hand behind his head as he looks away.
"did i said something weird? last night." he asked as you look at him for a moment before you shake your head left to right. toji sighed in relief as he let go of your arm, both of you sitting on the kitchen stool. you look at toji, and he looks at you, but you couldn't meet his eyes as you smiled at megumi and place the food on his plate.
-
you just finished brushing your teeth as you were disturbed with a loud thud outside the bathroom.
"toji? are you there?" you called.
it was as if your soul went out of your body for a second, toji appeared infront of you. a curse slipped out of your mouth as toji's weight fell on you.
this was your first time seeing toji drunk, even your first time encountering a drunk person and you really don't know what to do so you tried your best to pull him with you in the room since he was so heavy.
once you opened the door of your room, you and toji fell on the ground. does his wife encountered this event a lot of times? if so what did she do?
toji was whispering something. you couldn't quite hear him as you placed your ear close to his mouth, the smell of alcohol getting stronger than it was and he was apologizing. you were confused as you move away from him.
"toji, i can't carry you anymore." you said, trying to wake him up as toji's eyes slightly opened.
"my wife." he whispered, you don't know if that certain beat in your heart was because he called you his wife or maybe because he mistook you of his wife.
and the next words he uttered is what you didn't expect as he suddenly placed his hand on your cheek and you were completely frozen in your spot as he continued to speak.
toji's hand finally slipped from your face as his head fell on your shoulder and you sit there, processing the words he said just a minute ago
he didn't mistook you as if wife, he indeed called you his wife and it warmed your heart.
"mama?" you were out of your thoughts when you felt megumi's hand above yours. "are you okay?" he asked as you look at him and then at toji.
"i'm fine, what was it again?" you asked, facing megumi as he smiled at you.
"papa will go with us later!" he said.
"oh? is that so?" you said as you look at toji, waiting for his answer.
he laughs at your reaction.
"looks like you don't want to?" he joked.
"it's not like that! it's always just me and megumi, since you're always busy.." you responded.
"yeah, today's a day off." you cursed internally. you have an appointment to the doctor today, you thought taking megumi with you would be fine, but toji? what reason should you tell him? you couldn't possibly say that you have a family meeting. no, you don't even have someone you can call a family, except for this two. plus toji would be updated if there's a family gathering.
maybe you'll ask the doctor to move appointments.
-
"are you sure? though i'm not sure when my schedule's gonna be clear again, (name)."
"it's fine choso, i can wait, just update me."
"sorry about that, i'm busy these days plus yuuji's been wanting attention too."
"is that so?" you said as you smile. "i want to meet him soon! looks like he's a good kid."
"soon, i'll bring him to the hospital with me."
"okay, see you next time then?"
"yeah. and (name), don't stress yourself too much, it's bad for the heart." you smiled at his words.
"of course, thank you. bye."
"who's choso?" startled by the voice, you immediately hid your phone behind you.
he was eavesdropping.
toji raised his eyebrow at your reaction as he opened his cabinet.
"a friend of mine."
"really? didn't know you have a friend." toji said in a voice you couldn't recognize, it was as if he's mocking you. you scoffed at him, deciding to just ignore his words.
you were about to leave the room but toji's voice stopped you.
"if you're starting to date someone, don't inform megumi about it. or he'll be sad." he said, mumbling the last sentence as you left. did toji really thought you were dating someone even if you're married already?
sure everything is one-sided, but you just don't have it in you to date someone, not when toji already has your heart, your everything. even if he doesn't know it. but you think it's better for toji to assume that choso is something in your life than choso just being an appointed doctor.
-
toji was too drunk when he got home and he think he just saw his deceased wife, but when he approached the person, it turned out to be you.
toji noticed that he was at the bathroom and felt your hands on his arms as you place it on your shoulder. he felt drinking that day, he wanted to forget everything or maybe when his wife appeared on his dream last night, the words he told her. he didn't want to wake up that night.
toji already forgot her face, her voice, how her hands felt on his. he already promised that they will meet again. in next life or in another universe. it doesn't matter where, as long as he could meet his wife again. but his wife told him in his dreams that he should move on, and he couldn't just do that.
toji did saw your efforts. he saw how you care for him, especially megumi. but he couldn't just stop himself from comparing you to his wife on his mind. no one could ever replace his wife. toji squinted his eyes, he saw you trying to pick him up.
"toji, i can't carry you anymore." but your words was a blur to him.
toji's hand twitched and moved on its own as he sat up from the floor.
"i'm sorry, i can't." he muttered as he placed his rough hand on your cheek, observing your eyes as he leaned his forehead on yours. "i can't love no more. i can't love you the same way. i'm sorry."
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toji was the man of your dreams.
he might not know it but toji saved your life, he saved you from the hands of your greedy parents.
"i can't love you the same way, i'm sorry." the way he said those words were filled with guilt.
sometimes you put yourself on his place. if you were the one that has a past lover who died, of course it'll be hard to move on, especially when that person made you feel love and gave you the world.
toji was miserable back then, not until he met her. she fixed him. just like you and toji, you met him and he fixed you. the only difference was they loved each other. she loved him and he loved her, while you love him but he was stuck in the past.
there were times where you watch him sleep, not in a bad way, but just want to admire him where you whisper your love for him. he won't hear it of course. his dreams must be more entertaining than the words you're whispering to him.
toji's words that night made an impact to you. everything he does for you, you started viewing it as him just doing it for kindness and not for love. maybe toji just doesn't want to hurt you further because he knew how badly your family treated you back then. you were on the same page after all.
now you realized that maybe it was bound to happen, that being married with toji is enough, being a mother figure to megumi was enough. he already did enough for you, for taking you away from your hell life. you'll just pay him back by doing what you should for him and megumi.
you'll just love him silently. you'll bury your feelings deep inside your heart that only you, yourself knew. maybe wait for him to finally acknowledge you. but you knew it wouldn't happen this time around.
for now, you'll just watch him love someone who wasn't even around anymore.
-
toji was showing you a picture of his past wife because you asked him to see her. she looked a lot like megumi, but a female version. now you know why toji fell in love with her. even in the picture, it was already obvious that his wife was kind and a loving person. but you're kind and a loving person too, aren't you? the universe is so unfair.
"this is when she was 7 months pregnant." toji said as he pointed a specific picture. you smiled at his words as you continue to listen to him. but toji suddenly went silent all of the sudden and closed the album as he cleared his throat.
"why, did you want to see it?" he asked as he placed the album back inside his drawer.
"just curious, she looked a lot like megumi." you said as you lean your head on your knees, facing him. "how did you meet her?"
"it was an arranged marriage too." he said. "i wasn't really favored with it but i don't have a choice." toji smiled. how can a person like her make him smile like this when you can't? "she was simple, i suddenly fell in love with her." toji said with adoration in his voice as he looked at you.
you sighed as you lay flat on the bed and started stretching your arms.
"ah, i wonder if someone would love me that way too." you sighed as you turned your back on him.
"you will, but that couldn't be me." he said straightforwardly as if reminding you that you couldn't change his mind anymore and it made you curl yourself on the sheets.
"are you and that choso dating?" toji asked as you turn to face him. he was leaning his back on the headboard with a laptop on his lap.
"no? why'd you assume we're dating?"
"you've been going out a lot these days, i just thought."
"are you okay with that?" you asked.
"of course." and he didn't even hesitate which hurt you more. "i mean, maybe he's the one you're looking for?" toji said as he closed the laptop, the surroundings being engulfed with darkness, the bright moon outside being the only source of light.
but you're already here. you wanted to say those words but you already knew what he'll respond to it. toji lay flat on the bed as he placed his arms behind his head while you were still facing him.
"not gonna answer my question?"
"oh? what was it again?"
"i said maybe choso is the one you're looking for."
"toji-"
"i just want what's best for you, y/n. you know, i can't really.."
"toji, i already know that. choso is just a friend, nothing more, nothing less." you said followed by a sigh. "at least just let me be by your side." you whispered, hoping that he heard even just a bit of it.
"if you insist, but i already warned you." toji said.
"i know.." toji was just beside you, but he's far within your reach. has it always been like this? every night, you and toji always ends the day with a conversation, same question with the same answers and toji will end up with his back facing you. every night, you couldn't sleep. only whispering those three words to him hoping and praying that he'll hear it and say it back.
every i love you's that was whispered were left hanging on the air. sometimes it was tiring, thinking of the words toji said that maybe he wasn't really for you and you weren't the one for him.
"good night." you mumbled.
"good night." he replied and everything was dark.
i love you, toji.
those words you utter to yourself every single day and night, hoping that he'll say it back, maybe just once, and it might heal the void inside your heart. but not a single day he said it back.
-
toji felt guilty but he shouldn't be feeling this way. you were just married on papers and already agreed that being friends was enough. yet he couldn't help but watch as you curl yourself, as if seeking for a comfort he knew he couldn't give you. he apologized on his mind, he couldn't say it out loud because he knew how it would hurt you more, so he just stayed silent.
toji switched off the lights as he lay comfortably to the side with your back facing him. he doesn't know how long he's been closing his eyes but sleep just couldn't take over him.
"i love you, toji."
he froze on his spot and his body tensed as he heard you whispered those words. he then felt your fingers caress the scar on his lips.
"i'm sorry if you ever feel guilty for not returning my love for you. but always know that i understand you." you whispered and your touch disappeared on his skin as he felt your warmth get close to him. "i'll keep waiting, maybe someday.." minutes passed, toji was still waiting for you to say something but you were already silent.
he opened his one eye and the first thing he saw was your back, there were a space between you and him.
is it always this far? are you always this far from him? toji doesn't know. he tried to reach for you but he stopped himself. and then again, another apology had slipped on his mind. he couldn't say it back, not when he swore to only say those words to the person he loves.
toji finally closed his eyes as the sleepiness take over his body. he knew that the one for you, who'll cherish you, love you like how you deserve it will eventually come and toji was already certain that it wasn't him.
it was really true that first love never dies now that you've experienced it and toji was enough proof. you couldn't stop loving him the way he couldn't stop loving his past wife. how can you even wish someone to just die when they're already dead? it was weird but were you too cruel for that?
you just hope that someday, toji will look at you the way you've always been wanting and craving. you'll wait, even if your and his hair turns white or even if you only have enough time to live.
-
"just this once?" you whispered as toji held your cold hands as he placed it on his cheek.
toji closed his eyes as he placed your hand back on the bed, hospital bed.
"i'm really sorry.." he whispered back and it was enough for you to hear it.
a small laugh left your lips. it's so hard even to laugh now.
"that's fine, at least thank you for being here."
"i'll say it if you want."
"don't say something you don't mean, toji." you smiled at him.
"yeah, i guess so."
-
you sit up from the bed as you wake up. it was just dream, but it felt to real for it to be a dream.
you couldn't help but cry as you cover your mouth as you felt a hand on your back.
"what's wrong? another nightmare?" toji asked. even in your dreams, in your death bed, toji still didn't love you. even in your deathbed, toji still couldn't love you the way you wanted it. maybe it was sign that toji doesn't have to know your condition.
he doesn't need to know.
"it's nothing, let's go back to sleep?"
-
you went out again. toji heard you talking to someone on the phone, he guessed it was choso. he didn't mean to follow you but he still did.
toji ended up following you on a hospital and he was confused. are you sick? toji asked himself, but you always looked fine.
he anxiously tap his finger on the steering as he waited for you on his car and it took you more than 30 minutes to finally come out of the hospital again.
why does that doctor have to send you out? even placing his hand on your back.
toji watched you enter your car. he waited for you to leave before going out of his car to enter inside the hospital.
he was hesitant as he finally arrived the front desk.
he cleared his throat as he faced the lady infront.
"is there a patient named (name)?"
"(name)?" the nurse repeated as she looked down the lists but your name wasn't there. "i'm so sorry but there is no patient named y/n here."
"ah, mr. fushiguro. did (name) send you here?" toji turned around at the voice and he was met with the same doctor he saw outside the hospital. toji's eyebrow furrowed as he fully faced him. "i'm choso by the way, y/n's doctor. i guess she already told you?"
-
"mama?" you heard as you enter the front door.
megumi approached you as he embraced you.
"did you just woke up?" you asked as both of you went back to the living room.
"a while ago.."
"where's your papa?"
"i woke up when he left."
"he left? but he said it's his day off today." you mumbled as you recalled his words. "anyway, what do you want for breakfast, gumi?"
-
as toji entered the house, yours and megumi's muffled voice can be heard at the front door. it looked like you and megumi is having fun. toji finally entered the kitchen and saw you with megumi baking a cupcake.
"papa!" megumi exclaimed as he jumped down the stool to approach his father, the icing on megumi's clothes being transferred to toji's clean ones.
"welcome back, toji. where have you been?" you asked and it suddenly smelled like cigarettes.
she looks fine. toji thought, but he was trying to stare at you as if it'll reveal something.
"toji?" you called him with concern as he snapped out of his thoughts.
"just went out. who's that for?"
"mama said she wants to try baking!" megumi answered.
"is that so?" toji said as megumi hummed in response.
toji looked at you once again, but his stare was making you uncomfortable. there's something weird about the way he looks at you and it was scaring you.
"i'll rest for a bit." toji said as he left the kitchen.
"mama, did you and papa fight?" megumi asked as he approached you.
"no megumi, he's just tired." you smiled down at megumi to reassure him and he warmly returned your smile.
toji didn't left the room that day.
you lay down beside him, still minding the space with both of your backs facing each other.
you heard shuffling behind you but you paid no mind to it. and when you turned your body to the other side, you were surprised to come face to face with toji.
"hey." you started as you slightly move back to create more space. "are you not hungry? there's still left over from the kitchen.
"i'm fine." toji replied with a low voice as you nod at his words.
"good night, toji." you said as you went back to face the other side again.
you were waiting for his reply but minute passed, he was still silent so you took a deep breath and sighed while closing your eyes. but the moment you closed your eyes, you felt him move close to you. he tucked his arms below your body and then the other above you as he easily pulled you close to him.
"good night." he replied as you look up at him with shock. did he just initiate a physical touch? he's not drunk, right?
"mhm." you simply replied, still surprised. toji didn't move away after that, he stayed still and so were you.
"are you drunk?" you asked that made toji open his eyes.
"i'm not. why asking?"
"well, it's- is this okay with you?" you asked and your voice was too small that toji almost didn't catch it.
you were out of words. it was weird for toji to act this way, especially when he's not even drunk. does he need something from you?
it hurts to think that he's only being affectionate because he needs something from you. either way, you'll still do what he'll ask you because you love him.
"are you not comfortable with it?" the way you immediately stopped him when he was about to remove his arms around you was a desperate move, but you didn't want to lose this chance because it might not happen again.
"no, i like it.. it's just, we've never done this before, shouldn't you be the one who's uncomfortable with this? i mean-"
"shh, let's just stay like this." toji murmured as he pulled you a little more close to him. his warm breath fanning on your neck.
you smiled but if felt like something was missing. you felt complete but at the same time you're not. you placed your hands on top of toji's that was around you as you give it a light squeeze.
"toji." you called his name in a whispered tone as you heard him hummed in response. "i'm not her, toji."
you didn't know why you even said those words. toji was hugging you but there were possibilities of him thinking his wife on you. because why would he suddenly do this if not for that?
as those words left your mouth, the warm presence that was comforting you suddenly disappeared. you weren't even surprised when he did that, just a tiny bit of ache in your heart.
heh, i knew it. but it's fine, i still loved it. you thought to yourself as you ended up curling your own body again, seeking for the comfort that was there just a while ago.
maybe someday, toji will hug you again, but that time, you hope he'll do it as him thinking of you, not while thinking of his deceased wife.
-
"i'm choso by the way, (name)'s doctor. i guess she already told you?"
"hah?" toji rasped in confusion as he looked at choso. so this was choso and he's a doctor.
not bad. toji thought.
"then why are you here, mr. fushiguro? your wife left just 5 minutes ago."
"i know." toji replied.
choso raised his eyebrow at the man in front of him.
"do you perhaps need something from me?" choso couldn't help but ask because the way toji looked at him was different.
"yes, i want to talk to you."
both of them ended outside the hospital where there were no people around.
-
toji slammed his hand on the wall, slightly embarrassed as he watch the doctor laugh in front of him.
"what's funny." toji rasped.
"sorry, sorry-" choso replied as he pants, he never had a good laugh these days. "mr. fushiguro, are you assuming that your wife is having an affair with me?"
"i didn't mean it that way, i was just asking if you and (name) have something."
"mr. fushiguro, ms. (name) is just my patient, i'm sorry if it came off that way." choso said as he leaned his back on the wall. "plus i know my boundaries, i wouldn't go with a married woman, y'know." toji calmed his body as he leaned his back on the wall like choso did.
"she's always talking to you on the phone, that's why i assumed."
"(name) told me a lot about you."
"i'm hoping it's the good ones."
"not even once your wife badmouthed you, mister." choso replied as he offered toji a cigarette to which he declined.
"she's not sick, is she?" toji asked.
"mhm, your wife was diagnosed with arrhythmia."
"arrhythmia?" toji faced choso at his words.
"her heartbeat is irregular, mr.fushiguro. are you not taking a good care of your wife?" choso tried to joke him but he didn't expect toji to stay silent. "well, i hope she's not lying when she said she doesn't smoke and drink?"
"no, she doesn't." toji said.
"anxiety or any emotional distress can cause this. are you perhaps having a lot of fight? her condition has been like this for a long time now."
"no, we don't fight." toji said "is it harming her that much?" toji asked
"for now, it's not. but if she doesn't take a good care of herself, it may lead to a heart failure."
"how to avoid this?" choso looked at toji in disbelief. did you seriously kept it a secret to your husband?
-
"toji." you called him as he was about to leave the house. "i'm sorry about last night." you said.
you frowned as you heard the front door close. toji was ignoring you. you felt guilty for saying those words last night but you just couldn't hold back anymore. it was hurting you. why would you say that when toji only wanted to be close with you?
you sighed in defeat as you turn around, continuing the dishes you were doing.
you knew how toji hated it when it's about his wife, yet you still brought it up.
-
"toji!" you scolded.
it was yet another night where he came home drunk, you're almost starting to get used of this scenario.
"i said don't touch me!" he yelled back as you stumbled back a bit from the force of his push.
you were getting scared. not even once toji had yelled at you, this was the first time. was the words you said really did have an impact to him? now you feel more guilty than you were. you were scared that toji would start looking at you the way your family did.
only because of the stupid words you said.
"toji." you said in a more calmer tone as you guide him on his feet.
"let go." he mumbled.
"i will. let's go to the room first, okay?" you sighed in relief when toji did what you said without saying anything.
"mama.." toji's voice must've woke megumi up as he look at you with concerned eyes.
toji shrugged his shoulders to remove your hand on his shoulders as he kneeled infront of megumi.
"megumi, mama's not here anymore." toji said.
you were taken aback but megumi was more surprised than you were that he started crying.
he was pushing toji away from him as he cry.
"i hate you!" megumi yelled as he finally free himself from toji and hugged your leg.
"it's okay, 'gumi. go back to sleep." you said as you kneeled on megumi's level while he cried in your shirt.
toji stood up by himself as he entered your shared bedroom, closing the door with a force as you flinch in surprise.
"mama." megumi cried.
"it's fine now, he's just tired."
"you say that a lot of times." megumi said as he wiped his tears. "let's sleep together, mama." you look at your room door as you nod at megumi.
maybe toji needs to have his time alone for now.
-
you were humming a lullaby as you sing megumi to sleep.
you already sang the lullaby 3 times already and just like you, megumi couldn't sleep at all. he knew you were crying but he decided to not talk to you.
megumi pretended to be asleep as you finally stopped humming.
he heard you took a deep breath as you pulled his small body close to you.
"night night, 'gumi." he heard you whispered as he felt the dip on his bed beside him disappear.
megumi squinted his eyes and saw you walking out of his room as the door finally closed leaving him inside his now dark room.
megumi sat up from his bed as he silently followed you.
he was tiptoeing as he followed you to the kitchen.
you were sitting there, a glass of water between your hands as you stare at nothing.
you were too drained as you wiped the remaining tears your eyes could release.
megumi was lost in his thoughts and didn't hear you walking on his way, but before you could caught him, he showed himself to you.
"megumi?" you called him, slightly surprised at his presence. "what's wrong?"
"um water, mama." he said as he noticed you smile a bit before giving him a glass of water.
-
"all good?" you asked as megumi tucked you and himself on the blanket as he hug you. he nods in response as he sighed in content.
"mama, i will tell papa tomorrow to say sorry." he said.
"it's fine, 'gumi. he's just tired and mama understands." you said as you brushed megumi's hair with your fingers.
"okay, i love you mama."
"i love you too, now go back to sleep you have school tomorrow."
-
when megumi woke up the next morning, you were still sleeping beside him. he kissed your tear stained cheek as he went out to start his day.
he found his father on the kitchen counter, holding his head with his hand.
toji noticed megumi's presence as he immediately approached his son.
"where's your mama?" toji asked as he placed his hands on megumi's shoulders.
megumi noticed that his father was restless, but he deserved it for yelling at you last night.
"say sorry to mama, papa." megumi said.
"ha? where's she?"
"in my room. mama was crying because of you!" megumi yelled, he almost wanted to cry as he recalled your unreadable expression last night. "i saw mama drink so many medicine, papa." megumi muttered.
toji massaged his temples as he made his way to megumi's room with megumi following behind.
toji slowly opened the door and sighed in relief as he finally saw you.
megumi's small blanket couldn't even cover your whole body as toji approached you and gently carried you to the bed, transferring you to your shared room.
"let's not wake up mama for now." toji said as he pats megumi's head. "i'll drive you to school."
-
"papa." megumi called as he fixed the seatbelt of the front seat. toji hummed in response as he waited for the street lights to turn green. "do you hate mama?" megumi was hesitant at his question.
"no." toji responded plainly.
"but you always make mama cry." megumi mumbled. "you always say that she's not my mama and it's hurting her. i always see mama cry, i just stay quiet." toji ignored his son as he started driving.
-
toji went back home after sending megumi to school and you were still sleeping.
he sat on the bed as he tried to recall anything that has happened last night but he couldn't remember anything.
he felt you moved as he look at you. you were finally awake.
you saw him as you sit up from the bed.
"good morning." you greeted as you rubbed your eyes.
toji was waiting for you to say something about last night but you didn't and instead smiled at him as you stretched your body.
"megumi!" you exclaimed as you realized that you were supposed to send him to school.
"i already drove him to school."
"ah really? thank you." you said as you finally relaxed your body. "then, what do you want for breakfast?"
-
has it been always like this? toji asked himself as he watched you prepare breakfast.
is it always like this the next day when he came home every night he's drunk?
you were all smile but this was the first time toji noticed that it was forced. is it really always like this?
toji wasn't the one to get nervous but when he recalled the nights he came home drunk, he couldn't recall anything.
he must've said or did something hurtful to you that you do not wish to tell him the next morning.
megumi was always a witness to it but you always tell him to stay quiet.
"i'll go out later." you said as he snapped out of his thoughts.
"okay. want me to accompany you?" toji noticed the way you immediately declined his request and there, he exactly knew where you're headed.
toji watched you drink the hot chocolate in your mug.
"(name)." he called.
"mh?"
"i'm sorry. if i ever did something last night."
not just last night, every time he comes home drunk, toji would say something hurtful and you were even convinced that he means some of it.
the first time he came home drunk, he told you he couldn't love you the way you love him and that was fine for you. but second time he came home drunk, he said the words i love you, but it wasn't for you. he said i love you but not your name in it. the third night he came home drunk, he compared you to his wife saying that you couldn't replace the role of being megumi's mother and you know that.
megumi was there and he cried with you saying that he loves you and don't listen to what his father said to you. but then it happened again. he watch his father get mad at everything, including you, his mother who just wanted to help him get to bed. he knew his father wasn't in his right mind because he was drunk. he cried with you again that night.
megumi got used to seeing you hiding your sobs from him. he already saw you cry silently or sometimes you just sit there to stare at nothing. megumi once caught you breathing heavily on the bathroom and there was a blood on the sink. you told him that it was nothing and megumi was just a kid, of course he would believe you that it was just nothing.
but as megumi continues to grow, he's starting to think that his father hates you. he started observing the two of you and there was nothing wrong with your relationship, except when his father is drunk. don't get megumi wrong, he still loves her real mother but you were the one who raised him. he haven't seen his mother once, only in pictures.
"(name)?" you snapped out of your thoughts as you looked from your plate to toji.
"i said i'm sorry." he said.
"it's fine, you were drunk."
"so i did said something, huh." toji cursed under his breath as he heard you laugh.
"don't worry, it's not that deep."
it was. but remembering it will only hurt you more.
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you've been having nightmares these days and you don't know if it's a sign for something. every dream you had was weird. there were times where toji would appear in your dreams. sometimes he hates you and sometimes, he loves you that you don't even want to wake up anymore.
you were currently sitting inside a hospital room as choso stood meters away from you.
"are you even taking a rest like i told you to?"
"yes."
"then why is your condition getting worse?" choso's words made you look at him, he was writing something on a paper.
"really?"
"really. (name), i am telling you this now, you'll suffer the consequences if you don't listen to me."
"but i do take rest."
"taking rest isn't enough, you should avoid your heart from getting tired. have you experienced panic attack these past few weeks?"
"n-no."
"you're lying."
"i'm not."
"your husband's worried, you know." you don't know why choso words made your heart clench, but you just hope his words were true.
"really?" you said as if you weren't convinced. choso looks at you and back at the paper as he sighed.
"i'll add another medicine, make sure to take it on time."
"why do we have to do these things?" you said as choso looked up from the paper to you.
"what do you mean?" choso asked as he raised his eyebrow at you.
"i mean, isn't better to just wait until it's over?" choso got silent, clearly surprised at the words you said. you noticed his reaction as you released a nervous laugh. "what am i even saying.." you said as you laughed at yourself.
"are you even hearing yourself?"
"i know what i said, choso. but don't worry, i was just joking."
"not a funny one. you just don't know it (name) but your husband's really worried."
"if you think your words would calm me, it's not working."
"huh?" you stood up from the seat before choso could say something.
"i guess we're already done here?" you said as choso nods.
"(name). take a proper rest."
-
you fell asleep the moment you got home and when you went downstairs, it was messy.
the television was on full volume and megumi was nowhere to be seen. toji was on the kitchen sleeping, there was a consumed bottle of liquor beside him.
"toji." you shake him to wake him up but it didn't work at first try so you did it again.
he was awake all of the sudden as he look around the kitchen. toji was drunk again as you thought of the things that happens every night he came home drunk. you hope he would just stay silent and wouldn't say anything anymore.
"let's get you to bed." you said as you helped him stand up but before you and toji reached the room, you fell on the floor as you entered the room. and the scene was so familiar to you.
"(name)." he called as you snapped out of the memory. "(nameee)." he called again.
"i'm here." you said.
"you're here?" he said as he touched your face as if he doesn't believe you. "you're really here." he said as he smiled and embraced you.
and you, you were taken aback, but you just let him.
"why did you leave me?" he said.
there he goes again.
"hey, look at me." he said as he held your cheeks with his thumb and pointer finger.
why does looking at him hurts.
"don't ever think that i don't love you, okay? i'm so grateful that you're here.." you were waiting for it. for him to call his wife's name but you didn't expect that he'll say yours. "if i started loving you, are you going to stay?" he said and you were speechless. "i'm sick of people leaving me." he mumbled as he embraced you. "i don't want you to leave. i promise, i'll love you like how you want it. i'll do it, i'll move on from her but in exchange, don't ever leave, okay? we'll heal you, you'll be fine."
what was he even talking about? it's not like your leaving or something, right?
you sighed, brushing off his words as you placed him on the bed.
"don't force yourself to love someone, toji. go to sleep, i'll look for megumi."
-
you were about to leave the house as you heard sobs coming from the house. and when you followed the sound, you were surprised to see megumi who tucked himself at a kitchen cabinet.
"mama!" he said as he embraced you.
"megumi, what are you doing inside the cabinet?"
"i'm hiding." he frowned as you wiped his tears.
"from who?" you said with a soft voice to calm him.
"mama.." megumi mumbled as his voice slightly cracked. "papa said you'll leave us."
"he said that?" you said as you kneeled into his level and he nods at your question. "he's lying." you said as megumi sighed in relief and embraced you once again.
"papa said you'll leave just like my real mama." megumi pulled away from the hug as he saw your surprised expression. "it's not true, right? mama."
your forced a smile as you pinched megumi's cheeks.
"of course, mama won't leave. never."
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"toji, can you drive megumi to school today?" you muttered as you saw toji who was about to leave the room.
"what was that?" toji asked as he closed the door once again and approached you. you sit up from the bed and your vision started to spin.
"bring megumi to school." you said followed with a small cough.
"yeah sure." he hesitantly said.
"thanks." you mumbled as you lay back down on the bed.
"you okay?" toji asked as you felt him sit on the bed.
"i'm fine, must be a fever." you said but toji wasn't convinced and placed the back of his palm on your forehead to your neck and you were burning. toji was about to say something but he felt your cold hands on his.
"i'm fine, don't worry." you assured him with a smile as you let go of his hand and faced the other side. you were burning but your hands were too cold.
"i'll be back." toji said, immediately leaving the room as you heard the doorknob clicked.
-
toji was back after sending megumi to school. megumi insisted on seeing you before leaving but if he found out you're sick, toji knew megumi wouldn't want to go to school anymore. you weren't in the room when toji entered.
he started looking for you around the house and the kitchen was the last place he expected to see you. he sighed in relief when he saw you sleeping on the table with a glass of water in your right hand. toji's eybrows furrowed as he silently approached you. he can hear your soft snores as he went closer and closer.
"(name)?" he said in a whispered tone and you woke up within a second as you look around.
"oh?" was the only word you let out as you felt toji's hands on your shoulders. "i fell asleep."
"what are you doing here?" he said as you tried to stand up but you failed. you don't have the energy even to stand up.
"i got thirsty but i got tired before i even drink water." you said as you finally drink the glass of water.
"you should see a doctor." toji suggested.
"i'm finee." you said as you let toji guide you back to the room.
slowly, you sit from the bed as toji helped you to lay down. he placed a blanket above your body and went straight to the bathroom inside the room. he went back with a wet towel and a bucket of water as he started wiping your face with it.
"thank you." you whispered, even your throat was hurting. toji didn't respond as he continued on his task and after that, toji took another towel and placed it above your head.
"toji." you called as he stopped at the door he just opened.
'can you stay please?'
how badly you wanted to ask him to stay with you, but the dreams you had before started replaying in your mind. maybe you shouldn't. "it's nothing." you said as you pulled the blanket above your chin.
toji seemed to notice your distress as he silently closed the door and approached you again.
"i will be back. i'll just buy you food." he said as you covered your whole body with the blanket.
"okay." you said and you couldn't stop yourself from smiling.
do you have to be sick for toji to look out for you? maybe being sick is not that bad after all.
toji came back after five minutes, it's not that you're counting though, you were just bored.
"where did you go?" you asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"i'll just order, what do you want- i mean, you can't eat anything for now, let's just order a soup." toji looked at you as he heard you laugh at his words.
"there's no need, toji. it's not that hard to cook a soup." you said as you sit up from the bed, only for toji to push you back down on the bed as you let him place the blanket above you.
"don't be stubborn."
"toji, don't tell me you can't cook a soup." you said.
"it's not like that, okay? i just-" he paused for a moment before turning his back on you. "you seemed like you want a some company, that's why i am here." he said.
speechless, that's how you describe yourself now.
"is that so?" you said as you watch him scratch his head.
"i'll do this on my own way, okay?"
"okay. but let me, i know exactly where to order a good soup."
-
"this looks plain as hell." toji said as he opened the soup you ordered.
"but it's delicious, and why are you complaining?" you said as you raised your eyebrow at him. "i'm the one who's gonna eat it, not you!" you exclaimed as toji huffed in response.
toji started pouring the soup on a bowl before placing a chair beside the bed. and for a moment, you look at him and he looks at you.
"it's fine, i can do it myself." you said, trying to reach the bowl on his hand but he moved it slightly away from your reach. he hesitated for a moment before taking the spoon on his finger.
"ahh." he instructed.
"toji, this is embarrassing." you muttered as you move away from the spoon.
"how are you gonna get better if you're being stubborn?"
"just let me!!"
"tch, let me handle this." he said as you, again, tried to take the spoon from him but it was useless so you did what he said as he slowly placed the spoon with soup in your mouth.
it was quiet as toji continues to feed you, until it's the last spoon of the soup, you suddenly let out a cough as the soup dripped from the corner of your mouth and to the duvet.
"oh." you mumbled as toji reached out for the tissues. "sorry." you mumbled as you started to wipe the soup on the blanket and then the corner of your mouth. "we have to change blankets, i guess."
it was too sudden that you didn't have time to process everything when toji leaned close to you. you can feel his hot breath on your cheek as he pressed his lips on the corner of your lips, with him tasting the soup he just fed you.
you were sure you were losing your breath as he pulled away as if nothing happened.
"ah, sorry." he said as if he just didn't kiss you. he started to gather the paper bag of the soup earlier and took the blanket on your hands. "i'll get a new one." he said as he finally left the room.
-
why is he acting so normal when you're there sitting on the bed, trying to calm your speeding heart at the moments earlier.
you cursed under your breath as you hide your face with your palms.
why are you even embarrassed when kissing is normal to a married couple? it was normal but it was unusual for toji to act like that, you haven't even hold hands with him but a kiss? that's way more unexpected.
-
toji gently closed the door of the room as he leaned his weight on it.
"fuck." he muttered as he clutched the blanket on his hand.
seeing you wipe the soup on the blanket with that smile on your face urge toji to do that. he himself didn't expect it too. he cursed once again before proceeding to the task in hand.
-
you were startled when the door opens.
it was toji carrying a new blanket.
"i'll pick up megumi soon." he said.
"what about your work?"
"i took a day off." you hoped he did because you were sick. "you can't be left alone." he said as if he just read your mind.
"oh. thank you."
"not a problem. make sure to do the same when i got sick too." he joked, but it didn't fail to put a smile on your face.
"of course, i would love too! but i'm not saying that i want you to get sick!"
-
"mama!" you can hear megumi's voice from afar as he finally entered your room, throwing his lunchbox bag somewhere as he approached you.
"megumi, don't get to close." you said.
"mama! are you okay?"
"megumi, stop yelling." toji said as he entered the room, picking up megumi's lunchbox bag he threw minutes ago.
"you said mama is not sick!"
"megumi, don't yell at your papa." you said as megumi finally faced you, his face turning into a frown as he faced his father once again.
"i'm sorry, papa." he muttered.
toji was impressed that you could make megumi easily obey you. a thing he couldn't do when megumi was 3 years old.
"come on, change into your home clothes." toji said as he carried megumi like a sack of rice.
"i'll be back, mama!" he said before he and toji disappeared from your view and toji came back after a minute before closing the door with a sigh.
"come and rest." you said as you pat the empty space beside you.
toji sat beside you as the surroundings became quiet. he cleared his throat as he took the plushie megumi bought you and squeezed it.
"i'm sorry." he said.
"why?" you said, completely confused at the apology he just uttered.
"earlier. i didn't mean it."
oh.
"w-well, it's fine." you said as you conceal your stutter with a cough. "it's not like i'm complaining.."
"ha?"
"i mean- don't get the wrong idea!" you said, trying to find the right words. do you say it's okay, i liked it? or it's okay, i enjoyed it? "but.. did you regret it?" you asked, and the tension suddenly became heavy.
he was quiet and must be thinking about it.
"i did-" he paused, and that small pause sure made you nervous. "not?.." toji said in a questioning manner. you felt nervous and relieved at the same time.
"what about you?" he asked and you were more than confident at your answer.
"no. if i'm being honest, i really.. liked it." the last sentence were whispered.
"was that your first kiss?" he asked and you only hummed in response. it was true that toji was your first kiss, even if it was just a peck, his lips still touched yours.
you felt toji shift on the bed as he faced you.
"come closer." he said and you hesitated for a bit as you finally faced him and crawled a bit closer to him.
you were looking anywhere but his eyes as he tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear. and then he's leaning close again.
"tell me to stop and i will." he mumbled, forcing you to look in his dark blue eyes.
"toji, are you sure about this?" you mumbled as you clutched your pajamas under the blanket. "don't do something you'll regret, toji."
he cuts you off by finally kissing you and it wasn't just a peck like you expected it.
he continued and deepened the kiss, until you're laying on the bed and when he finally pulled away, his hands was between your head as you clutch his clothes on his shoulders.
"toji-"
"shh.. i do not regret any of it."
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"i need to confine you for 15 days, so i could monitor you properly."
"but i am resting!"
"yes you are, but it's not enough. it's better if it's being observed that you're taking a rest."
"is there another way?" you said as you clutch your phone in your hand. "i actually don't know how to tell my husband." you said as choso looked at you.
"but i already called him. he said he's on his way here."
"huh, what do you mean?" you said, completely surprised that it made you stand up from the chair. "he doesn't even know that i am sick." you said. "choso, i told you to keep it a secret right?"
"i'm sorry, he accused us of having an affair. i needed to." and then there was a knock on the door, and you knew who exactly it is. toji entered the room and you look away from him.
"take a sit, mr. fushiguro." choso said as he instructed him to sit beside you. you weren't looking at him but you can feel toji's burning gaze at you. choso left the room for a moment and being alone with toji became suffocating right now.
you suddenly felt his hand above yours. you thought he would judge or even get mad at you but you but he didn't.
"we'll talk later, okay?" he said as choso finally came back.
-
"15 days? if that's enough. as long as you treat my wife." toji said. he's doing all the talking while you sit there in silence and.. he really did call you his wife.
toji thanked choso after that as he held your hand and pulled you with him. you gave choso a last glance, a glance as if he just betrayed you and he was looking at you with his apologetic gaze, and there, you and toji left the hospital.
"when did you found out?" you asked.
"a few weeks ago. i followed you." toji said as the signal lights turned red and there was a faint sound of music in the background. "why didn't you tell me?" he asked and you hesitated for a moment as you sit up straight on the front seat.
"choso said it wasn't that life threatening, that's why i thought i don't have to tell anyone." you were mumbling that toji almost didn't understand your words.
"not life threatening but now you need to be confined for 15 days?" toji said and you went silent. "do you not trust me?" he suddenly asked and you immediately disagreed at his words.
"no!" you said. "sorry, i just don't want to be a burden and.. i thought you wouldn't care." you said, whispering the last sentence as you wait for his response. and he didn't respond anymore, until both of you reached the house.
"toji, i'm really sorry." you said and he finally looked at you.
"we're in this together, why would you think i wouldn't care?" he asked and you frowned.
"i'm sorry toji. i just didn't have enough courage to tell you because.. it's because of your wife."
"my wife?" he scoffed, raising his eyebrow as you nod.
"i don't know how to tell you because all you could think of is your wife!" you were frantic as you explain, trying not to say the wrong words because it might trigger him in some way as your emotions get the best of you. "i thought you wouldn't care because i'm not her." you said as you look down on the ground, trying to hold the tears that was eager to come out.
"but i do care, this is not about her. this is about you."
"you don't understand it, toji." you said.
"then i apologize if i came of that way, that you thought i wouldn't care because all i think of is my wife." toji said, emphasizing the words with sarcasm. "but you're my wife too, my wife now." he said, the sarcasm dropping on his voice.
"but i'm not the presence you've been wanting for, i know my place, toji. you reminded me a lot of times already." you said.
when did talking about your illness turned into fighting over his deceased wife?
toji sighed at your response and you took a step back when he stepped forward.
"i'm sorry, i want to be alone for now." you mumbled as you went to your shared room.
you and him were fine just last night? what happened now? it was all because of your stubbornness. it was obvious that toji was worried and cares for you but you're pushing him away.
you couldn't help it, you aren't used at him caring for you. you're mistaking his kindness into something, that maybe he's saying all of it out of pity or guilt.
that's right, now you realized why toji was weird the past few weeks. it's because he already found out and he just didn't tell you.
-
toji forced the door open with a key and he saw you sitting at the edge of the bed. you didn't even notice him until he sat beside you.
"i'm sorry." you said at the same time.
"sorry, i involved her again." you said as you felt toji's hand at your back.
"i didn't know you felt that way." he said.
"it's okay. i know how hard it is to move on from someone." you said as you held his free hand. "this will be the last time, toji." you said.
"what do you mean?" he asked.
"i'm not dying." you said with a laugh. "what i mean is this will be the last time i'll involve her. i finally realized it, toji. that no matter what i do, i still couldn't do anything for you to love me the way i love you." toji was about to say something but you cut him off. "but it's fine! like you said, we're married only in papers. i think i'm getting it now."
he was silent and you felt his touch disappear on your back.
"i just want to sort everything out before i stay in the hospital for 15 days." you mumbled as you sighed deeply. "sooo, friends then?" you said, the same exact words he told you before you two got married by force. but you saying it hit something in him, it made his chest ache.
he felt your hand take his and shake it, as if both of you just had an agreement. you didn't even wait for his reply as you finally sit up from the bed and started packing some clothes you'll be needing and he could only watch.
-
"don't worry, it'll only be 15 days. mr. fushiguro can still visit everyday but only around 10 AM to 5 PM." choso said as he glanced at your way.
"choso, did you know there was a theory that being hospitalized will only worsen your state. what if that happens to me?" you said.
"that's a lie, you're here not to worsen your state but to heal you."
"but what if? you know, everything is unexpected."
"why'd you even ask?"
"i don't know. i guess i'm ready?" you said and choso was looking at you with his judging expression. "just kidding." you said as you laugh.
"think of the people who cares for you. be strong for them because they're waiting for you to come home." choso said and megumi was the only person you could think of.
"my son." you said with a smile.
"yes, megumi's waiting for you so stop with your negative thoughts."
"ok, i will."
-
"mama!" your mood shifted as you heard megumi and he finally entered the room.
he was on his school uniform as he approached you, his upper body leaning on the bed as he tried to reach for you. you leaned close to him as megumi's small hands held you by your cheeks.
"mama, why are you here?" he asked as he frowned.
"mama needs to stay here for now but don't worry."
"why?"
"megumi, don't ask too many questions." toji said.
"it's fine." you said.
toji was watching you and his son interact.
megumi was still mad at him but megumi just didn't show you. toji mentally slapped himself as he recalled the happenings yesterday.
it was megumi frantically looking for you around the house.
-
megumi was running around the house as he call for you.
"where's mama?" he asked toji as he pants.
"she'll be staying at the hospital for now." toji said.
"why? is mama sick?" megumi said as he approached his father who's ignoring his question. "papa!"
"megumi, you won't understand. and yes mama is sick. now stop asking."
"why is mama sick!" megumi yelled, asking questions, eager to know the answers.
"she needs her heart to be healed. there, now go to your room megumi, you have school tomorrow."
"heart?" megumi muttered as he forced himself on his father's sight as toji sighed. "it's all your fault!" megumi yelled and toji ignored him. "you always make mama cry! now her heart is sad because of you! you always get mad at mama when you come home drunk!"
"what did you say?" toji said as he held megumi by his shoulders.
"i hate you! i wish it's you in the hospital not mama!" megumi said before he could even realize his words as toji let go of megumi. toji sat back on the couch and megumi ran out of the living room.
megumi cried to his sleep as he craved for your presence.
-
megumi was laying on top of you as you lull him to sleep.
"say sorry to your papa later, okay?" you said as megumi sniffed before nodding.
toji went to buy foods outside as megumi told you everything he said last night.
"it's not your papa's fault why i am here. remember that."
"mama get home soon, okay?"
"of course." you said as you pinch his nose. "stop crying now."
after some minutes, toji finally came back as you and megumi ate the food he bought.
-
megumi sat at the back seat as he hug his knees.
"i'm sorry, papa." he mumbled. "mama told me what i said is bad. i'm sorry." toji kept quiet as he drives.
he carried megumi who fell asleep at the back seat to his room, giving him a kiss on the forehead before leaving.
toji thought megumi was right, that maybe it was better that it was him in the hospital and not you. he didn't want to lose anyone anymore and toji hoped that he isn't too late.
he was blaming himself.
he already considered himself as a curse, because if he started to love someone, something bad will happen to them. worst is they disappear from his life.
is it a right choice to finally love you?
maybe not.
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first week of your stay in hospital wasn't that boring as you thought it would be.
toji would visit you at the starting hours and will bring megumi from school at the last hour, though megumi always sleep on top of you since he wanted to be close to you.
toji would sit there in silence as you hum megumi a lullaby he once heard his son humming while doing his assignments.
toji knew megumi were attached to you but he didn't knew he's that attached to the point that megumi always cry every night, looking for you and will end up sleeping beside toji occupying the space you usually lay at.
"mama, i counted and it's 8." megumi said as he sat on the hospital bed beside you.
"that's right, 7 days more and mama can go home."
"but 7 days is too long." megumi said as he frowned.
"it's not if you stop focusing on it."
"okay, i will not!" you and megumi laughed at the same time and he kneeled towards you as he started wiping your under eyes with his thumb.
"mama, are you sleeping enough?" megumi asked.
"i am. it's just so boring here when i'm alone." you said as megumi embraced you.
"don't worry, mama. i will pray so you can go back home."
"thank you, 'gumi."
"mama." megumi whispered after a minute of silence as you hummed in response.
"papa is not sleeping well." megumi said as he look around as if someone was there to listen but it was just you and him since toji left when someone called him.
"why?" you asked.
"papa misses you, mama."
"he does?" you said as megumi frantically nods.
"he said it to me!" megumi exclaimed excitedly.
-
megumi was sitting on the kitchen stool as he stared at the cereal on the table.
he hates cereal, he loves the food you cook for him but since you weren't around, he needed to eat it for now.
"stop crying megumi. she'll be back soon." toji said as he drink his black coffee.
megumi wiped his tears as he sniffed.
"i miss mama." megumi mumbled followed by another sniff and toji sighed as he sat beside his son.
"i miss mama too but don't worry, okay? let's have faith and be strong for her too."
"okay. but papa if mama is back you better not make her heart sad again." megumi said as he waited for his father's response and minutes passed, he noticed his father was spacing out. "papa?"
"oh?" toji snapped out of his thoughts as he smiled at megumi. "of course."
-
"bye bye mama." megumi said as he look away from you and you knew he was holding his tears back.
"come here." you said as he slowly approached you. "don't cry, you'll be back tomorrow, right?" megumi nods as he wiped his eyes with his sleeves. "bye bye." you said as you kissed his forehead before he went back beside toji as he held toji's hand.
you made an eye contact with toji "see you?" you said and he only nod in response.
why are you expecting something when you and toji already settled everything as friends.
toji looked at you for the last time before he and megumi left the room, leaving you alone again.
what are you even expecting? it's not like he would do something.
you just hope that he did something though. maybe a kiss on your forehead? or just a simple words of affirmation, but nevermind.
you sighed as you hug your knees, you should stop thinking about something that'll hurt your own feelings, you didn't want to worsen your state more, do you?
as if it was a coincidence, choso entered the room with papers in his hand.
"hi." you greeted as choso entered the room.
"how are you feeling?"
"nice, i guess?"
"good job, there's a lot of progress." he said.
"wow really?!" you said excitedly.
"yes, you don't have to stay for another 7 days. did your husband left already?"
"they just left."
"call them back so you could finally go home with them."
-
"mama, do you hate papa?" megumi suddenly asked as he looked up at you, both of you laying on the couch with book in your hand.
"why are you asking that question? of course i don't."
"really? but why do you and papa always fight?"
"we aren't fighting, megumi. that nights you saw him getting mad was because he wasn't in his right mind and he was drunk."
"oh, okay." megumi said as he lay down back on your chest as you started playing with his hair again.
"i love your papa so much, 'gumi. more than i love myself." you whispered as you smile.
-
toji is currently helping you with the laundry since he couldn't force you enough to take a rest.
"take a rest." toji said for the nth time as you wait for the laundry to finish.
"i'll just finish this." you said.
toji sighed, another attempt to force you failed and he could only wait for you.
he was getting impatient as he stand just at the door. he couldn't leave you alone, he's worried something might happen if he lose sight of you.
the same lullaby you're humming for megumi can be heard at the background as he watch you attentively.
but a sudden gasp left your mouth, your humming getting interrupted as you felt him hug you from behind.
"just take a rest." toji said.
"i'm almost finished." you said, an unexplainable feeling stirring in your system. it was as if you're uncomfortable at the physical touch he just initiated.
weren't you craving for his touch? now that he did it, why are you complaining?
"come on. i'll finish that. listen to your doctor, will you?" toji said as he held you by the wrist and pulled you going to the room.
"do you know what you'll do?"
"yeah, i do the laundry before." he said.
"okay, let me know if you're done."
-
you've met toji before, back when you were in middle school. maybe he doesn't remember you but you remember him.
that time when someone was making fun of you, he involved himself and protected you. it wasn't really a fight, it was just him pushing them away that made them run away from the scene.
"thank you." you mumbled and when he looked back at you, you noticed a band aid on the side of his mouth that was already red in color. he only looked at you as he walked away. but before he could get away, you held him by his hand. he made an irritated expression that scared you for a moment as you stutter through your words.
"i have a band aid here." you said as you look at each pocket of your clothes until you found it in your hoodie. toji was watching with an unimpressed look as he stand awkwardly. he hissed in pain when you removed the band aid from his lip and replaced it with a new one.
"there." you said. he didn't even thanked you as he left and when toji saw his reflection on a random store, the design of the band aid was really, embarrassing.. a hello kitty design.
-
you were at the middle of college when your parents told you to stop. they had arranged a marriage for you that you didn't even want. you didn't want to stop college, you wanted to be free but they wouldn't let you. when you met your soon to be husband, you thought he was familiar but couldn't place your finger with. you were sure that you saw this man somewhere, you just couldn't recall where.
the scar on the side of his mouth made you curious as you stare at it and it suddenly made toji self-conscious.
"ah this scar?" he said as your eyes shifted from his scar to his eyes. you were on your first 'date' with toji. the one both of your parents said to get to know each other more.
"i got this from abuse." he said straightforwardly as you laugh nervously.
"um.. did it hurt?" you asked.
"no." he said as he placed his hand near his scar and as if something slapped you mentally, toji's current position reminded you of someone. that kid from the playground, the one who defended you from the bullies, the one that you gave the band aid you just bought because you accidentally scraped your knee, but you gave it to him. toji noticed you genuinely smile at him followed with a wholehearted laugh.
"what's wrong?" he asked and you only shake your head in response.
what a coincidence. who would've thought that the kid you kept on searching for, the reason why you stayed at the playground for who knows how long, hoping to see him again was being married to you? what an unexpected turn of your life.
-
getting to know each other means getting to know everything in your life. personal or not. it was as if that 'date' made your heart full and ended up being broken in the end. toji was the kid you've been looking for, for a long time now but then he suddenly told you that he was already married and they had a son together.
he clarified that he only accepted the marriage because he didn't have a choice. he told you he just didn't want to disobey his parents and megumi just need a presence of a mother.
"being friends will do." he said as you hesitantly nod.
-
you didn't even know why you suddenly remembered the past.
"(name), where did you put-" the words died in toji's throat as he opens the door, only to find you standing at one of his drawers, a folder in your hand as you continue to stare at the paper.
the folder was immediately snatched at your hands as toji placed it back on his drawer.
"that's–" you gasped.
"no, listen–" toji mentally cursed himself. he forgot to throw the divorce papers he requested back when it's the first month of your relationship. he forgot to throw it when he was cleaning his drawers the day you were at the hospital
you looked at him, and he hated that look in your face as another curse left his mind. what should he say? how should he explain it.
"well, if that's what you want."
"no." toji said as he moved close to you but your instinct told you to step back and you did. "that was, that wasn't.." he was stuttering through his words as he heard you sigh.
your heart was aching but you have to ease the pain. you didn't want to go back to the hospital again.
"it's fine, toji. you don't have to explain." you said as you sit at the edge of the bed.
"that was before. first month of us being married." toji explained and the small shift of your mood got unnoticed by him.
"is that so?" you said, looking up at him. "maybe i did something you didn't like to ask for divorce papers, huh." you chuckled as you recalled the first month of your marriage. it was megumi finally addressing you as his mother.
toji admitted that day that he didn't want megumi calling you 'mama' but he didn't want to wipe the genuine smile on his son's face so he just let him call you his mother.
"i'm sorry." he said followed by a strong curse.
"why?"
"fuck, i'm sorry. i didn't- that was before. i don't want a divorce now." toji said and the ache in your chest suddenly disappeared as you gave him a teasing grin.
"why? don't tell me mr. fushiguro is finally starting to love me." you joked and it was clearly just a joke, but the tension suddenly changed. he wasn't laughing at your words but was looking straight in your eyes with something in it.
"i'm just joking.." you said as toji finally looked away from you. he couldn't stop cursing mentally. he was lost in his thoughts and didn't feel you moving close to him and when you were about to place a hand on his shoulder, to simply get his attention, he suddenly held you by the wrist.
"toji, what's wrong?" you asked. he started gripping your wrist tightly and both of you were interrupted by the knock on the door.
"papa! lala wants to talk to you on the telephone!" megumi yelled as you look at the door but when you look back at toji, he suddenly leaned close to you, giving your lips a peck, as if it was to reassure you and suddenly he was at the door.
you were frozen in your spot as you watch him close the door, your hand flying to your lips and caress it and instead of an ache, your heart was beating with happiness.
-
it was one of those nights where toji couldn't sleep again. it happens when something is bugging his mind. he was staring at the ceiling with a deadpanned expression and your shifting caught his attention. both of you were surprised when both met each other's eyes.
it suddenly became awkward.
toji sat up from the bed as he leaned his back on the headboard. you stayed at your position as you stare at the ceiling. there are questions that wanted to be answered, but you think staying quiet would be the best option for now.
toji side glanced your figure, and there were space enough for another person to fit. has it always been like this? now toji is sure that it has been always like this.
toji doesn't know what to do as he continuously stare at you until you finally look at him. (his gaze was burning holes into you.)
there, you sat up from the bed too, doing what he did as you cleared your throat to ease some of the awkwardness that was around.
"can't sleep?" he asked.
"yeah, what about you?"
"can't sleep." you chuckled at his response as you bend your knees close to your chest. why is it starting to get cold?
"about the divorce-"
"i already told you that it was before.. i have no intention in pushing the divorce."
"why?" you asked and toji thinks he doesn't even know why. you were itching to know the reason when toji could've pushed through the divorce long ago.
"why? don't tell me mr. fushiguro is finally starting to love me." you recalled those words you said last morning and to your side, it was clearly just a joke so you removed that as one of the reasons why.
"was it because you found out i was sick?"
"no." he felt embarrassed on how quick he disagreed with your question. "i mean-"
"hm, what could be the reason.." you mumbled as if you're talking to yourself and toji couldn't help but observe you.
"it's best if we sleep for now." toji said as you hummed in response and started tucking yourself at the duvet, facing the wall. you weren't even surprised when you felt him pull you close to his chest. it was as if you're expecting him to do that. and he really did and there, you faced him as you wrapped your arms around his figure with your face hiding on his chest. toji inhaled your shampoo as he sighed in satisfaction.
"will this help you to sleep?" you asked as you look up at him. toji looked down at you with that stupid smirk on his face.
"i could ask you the same question." he said as he chuckled when you went back to hide your face on his chest.
"it will." you whispered but toji surely heared it clearly.
"then that goes the same for me."
-
"mama loves to cuddle." megumi said as he looked at toji's plain expression. megumi copied his father's expression after looking away from him, continuing the assignment he was doing.
"that's all?" toji said as megumi scoffed at him.
"you asked me what mama likes the most!" megumi argued as he fully face his father. "that's the most, mama loves cuddles!"
"okay okay, stop yelling." toji said when he heard your footsteps approaching them.
"good morning, mama!" megumi greeted as he ran towards you to hug you.
"good morning, megumi." you said, looking at toji as you nod at him.
"morning." he said as megumi pulled you on the table at the living room, showing his little drawing to you and toji.
"what's that?" you asked as megumi smiled.
"this is mama," megumi said as he pointed at you. "this is papa and this is 'gumi."
oh. it was a family drawing. your heart started beating through your ears as you look at megumi.
"my teacher said our assignment is to draw a family!" megumi exclaimed excitedly as he faced you and toji.
family? could you even consider yourself as one of their family? megumi could've drawn his real mother, why did he have to-
your thoughts were interrupted when you felt a hand on your back. you looked back and saw toji looking at you, it was different, the way his eyes calmed you. you awkwardly smiled at him as he pulled you close to his side while placing his other hand on megumi's shoulder.
"what's this?" toji asked as he pointed at a drawing which is color white and black.
"it's my dream dog! i want white and black." megumi said. your heart was racing as you feel the warmth of toji's palm on your side.
"why is mama carrying a stick?" toji asked as megumi huffed.
"so she can beat you when you hurt her again." megumi said as you laugh, finally joining in their conversation.
"that's cruel, megumi. i couldn't hurt your papa." you didn't even feel when toji already removed his hand on your side as he watch you and megumi, a smile making its way on his face.
-
"there.." you said as you dropped the pencil at the table.
"wow!" megumi exclaimed as you revealed some changes in his drawing.
"what are you holding, mama?" megumi asked.
"roses, mama loves roses." you said as you pat megumi's head.
"oh okay! then 'gumi loves roses too." megumi said as he grinned at you.
"but there are many types of roses." you said as you fixed megumi's disheveled shirt.
"really? what's your favorite among them, mama? megumi asked.
"the purple one!" you said as megumi nods at you.
"why not red, mama? red is famous one right?"
"yes, but i love purple more. because it means love at first sight." you said as you bump megumi's nose with your pointer finger.
you watch him look to the side as you follow his line of sight. he was looking at his father. you forgot that toji was even there as you look away with embarrassment. clearing his throat, toji stood up from the couch as he brushed his hair with his fingers.
"i'm gonna prepare for work." he said before leaving as megumi watch his father disappeared from his sight.
"mama, is papa your love at first sight?" megumi asked when his father wasn't around anymore. you smiled as you recalled the very first day you laid your eyes on him.
"he is." you said with admiration in your tone. "did you know i met your papa when he was a kid?" you said.
"really? what's he like?!" megumi asked with excitement as he leaned close to you.
"hm, he's still the same.. but he saved me from bullies." you said as megumi kept quiet, wanting to know more. "i scraped my knee but i gave my band aid to him because his lips were bleeding."
"is that why papa have a scar?"
"i guess?" you said as you ruffled megumi's hair. "it's just a secret between us, okay?" you whispered as megumi nods at you.
unbeknownst to you, he heard everything you told megumi as he recalled that day where he first got the scar on his lip, that hello kitty band aid. so it was you, huh.
-
toji left after eating breakfast and it was past lunch when you heard a knock on your front door.
but you weren't expecting visitors, who could it be?
you were surprised when you're met with, no one. but there was a bouquet of purple roses on your doorsteps.
you picked it up as you read the note.
'this is for you, i hope you like it.'
you bit your bottom lip to suppress the smile but it couldn't be helped.
you inhaled the scent of the roses as you finally went inside the house.
-
"thank you for the roses, toji." night finally approached as toji looked up from his laptop and to you.
"what roses?" he asked as you look at him in disbelief.
"that- you, weren't you the one-" toji suddenly laughed as he closed his laptop.
"i'm just kidding." he said as you glared at him.
"not funny!" you said, almost embarrassed when you stammered with your words just a minute ago.
"did you like it?" toji asked as he started preparing the duvet.
as if it was already planned, you move close to him as he finally covered both of your bodies with the duvet. "i love it."
toji's arms automatically made its way to wrap securely around you.
"how's your check up with choso?" toji asked as he switched off the lamp.
"he recommended me another medicine."
"huh? why? i thought you're getting better?" toji asked as you silently laugh at him.
"yes i am, it was just a vitamin, i mean."
"ah, is that so?"
"mhm."
"sleepy already?" toji asked in a teasing tone and you only further hide your face on his chest. "goodnight." he mumbled.
"i love you, toji." you mumbled against his chest. "you can say it back when you're ready." you said as you look up at him and toji lightly smiled at you.
"i'm almost there.." he mumbled.
"i can still wait.." you said as you looked at him with glint in your eyes. toji let you kiss him on the lips before you went back on hiding your face. he chuckled as he pulled you closer with his hand behind your head.
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it was a random night, a random song that was being played on the radio can be heard as you sit down on the couch of the living room. the lights were all closed, the street light outside being the only source of light inside your home.
toji wasn't home yet and megumi is already sleeping in his room.
your head almost fell on the couch when the click of the door woke you up.
toji sighed as he closed the door.
"i'm home." he muttered, but didn't expect to see you approaching him in the dark.
"welcome back." you greeted as you took his bag on his hand, guiding him on the living room.
"have you eaten?" you asked.
"ye-"
"let's eat together, i'm hungry!" you exclaimed as you held him by his hand, guiding him to the kitchen. well maybe eating dinner for the second time wouldn't hurt. toji thought.
"megumi?" he asked.
"already sleeping." you replied with an almost sleepy voice as toji sighed.
"you didn't have to wait for me." he said as he stand beside your almost sleeping form. "let's get you to bed." toji said and carried you in a bridal style.
"toji.. let's sleep." you said as he unbuttoned his almost tight polo.
"yeah, i'll just changed my clothes."
"hurryy."
"did you drink?" toji asked as he lied beside you.
"no."
"why are you being clingy?" he asked.
"miss you." you mumbled, wrapping your arms on his figure. "did you miss me?" you asked and toji couldn't help but smell you.
you didn't even smell like alcohol.
"i'm not drunk, i'm just sleepy." you said as if you just read his mind.
"alright."
"you didn't answer me yet."
"i did." he said as you squealed in happiness.
"okay, good night. i love you." you mumbled.
toji gaze softened as he pulled you close to his chest.
"good night." i love you too.
-
it was late at night again and toji was still not home. megumi was sent back home by a school bus last afternoon.
you haven't eaten yet. you were waiting for toji so both of you could eat dinner at the same time again and the door clicked as you stood up from the couch.
"i'm home." toji mumbled.
"welcome back!" you exclaimed.
if yesterday you were sleepy, today you have a lot of energy. you took the bag from toji's hand as you walked ahead, only to be pulled back when toji held your wrist, placing a kiss on your forehead as he loosened his tie.
it sure caught you off guard as toji walked past you as if nothing happened.
"well, have you eaten?" you asked, almost stuttering.
"yes." he responded and you mentally frowned.
"okayy." you said as you help him remove his blazer.
"what about you?" he asked, but before you could answer, your stomach growling did it for you. embarrassing.
"well, i guess eating dinner for the second time wouldn't hurt, right?" he said.
-
"hi, welcome back.." you slowly said as you took toji's bag in your hand.
"i'm home." he muttered, walking past you but suddenly he went back and give your forehead a kiss before removing his watch.
"bad day?" you asked, helping him remove his blazer.
"yeah, i think i couldn't eat dinner with you tonight." he said with a frown.
"it's fine! you go and rest." you said, giving him a smile of reassurance.
toji frowned once again when you made your way to the kitchen. you were humming a song but you were stopped when you saw toji sitting at his usual spot. you blinked twice at him as he sighed.
"well, i got hungry." he said, not looking at your way.
"okay! i'll re-heat some more then." you exclaimed with a smile and toji couldn't help but mirror it.
"thank you for the food."
-
another bad day.
you noticed it the moment toji entered the house with a slumped shoulders.
"welcome back." you greeted, doing the same routine.
"i'm home." he responded, hooking an arm around you before placing a kiss on your.. lips? "what's dinner for today?" he asked as he started unbuttoning his polo. "(name)? what's wrong?" he asked.
"w-well, i made your favorite." you stammered as you made your way infront of him, helping him remove his blazer.
toji made his way first at the kitchen, taking a mug from the cabinet and it caught your attention.
"coffee?" you asked as he nods and suddenly, you placed a hand on his back.
"take a seat. i'll make you one." you said.
"i can do it myself."
"just let me take care of this, okay? you're tired from work." you said, turning on your back to make him a black coffee when you suddenly felt his weight behind you.
"thank you." he mumbled before going back to sit and it made you proud of yourself.
-
"welcom-" you were cut off when toji harshly kissed you, his hand flying at the back of your head as he pushed you, until your body collided with a wall. "toji-" you mumbled through his kisses as you pat his shoulder. "can't breathe!" you said as he finally pulled away, with him leaning his forehead on yours as both of you catch your breaths.
"bad day again?" you asked but he only clicked his tongue, continuing his task on you, the food you made being forgotten as he carried you and made his way on the bedroom, and also not forgetting to lock the door.
-
thank goodness it was saturday today.
your whole body was aching and toji was out of sight as you sat up from the bed.
"mama?" megumi's voice can be heard at the door as he knocked three times before opening, only to see you on the ground. "mama!" megumi exclaimed as he approached you. "papa help!" megumi yelled as he struggled to help you stand up.
"megumi look out for the food in the kitchen." toji said as megumi followed what he was instructed.
"it hurts." you said as toji easily carried you, placing you back on the bed.
"guess i went rough last night." he mocked.
"shut up!"
-
"i'm home." toji said as he entered the house. you smiled as you approached him.
"not a bad day anymore?" you joked as he laughed, hooking a hand around you as he placed a kiss on your lips. you were used to it now.
"yeah." he replied as both of you did the usual routine.
after the dinner, you were quiet. it was unusual for you to be silent.
"toji-"
"what's wrong?" he asked, cutting you off. the night you both shared was 2 weeks ago, you were supposed to have your period 2 days ago but none came.
"i'm late." you said, starting to get stressed. "i'm scared, what if i ended up being pregnant-"
"then that's good. megumi will have a playmate. is it not?"
"but-"
"it's okay." he said, taking your hand on his and you were surprised when he removed the wedding ring on your finger, placing a new one. "wear this from now on." he said, placing a new ring with a rare design on it.
"thank you.. i love it but, why?"
"i want to get married again." he said, looking straight in your eyes.
"but we're already married." you said as you frowned.
"but for real this time." he said with a smile. "you know, before, i wasn't-" he paused, he couldn't say it but you already understood what he was saying.
"i understand." you said as you laughed.
"will you marry me again?" he asked and you couldn't contain the big smile that was on your face.
"i would love too!" you said as you embraced him, with him spinning you around.
"i love you (name).. thank you for staying with me and megumi. thank you for not giving up on us.. on me." he said and you couldn't help but tear up.
finally. it's finally happening.
"i love you too." you responded with a shaky voice as he wiped your tears with his thumb before finally connecting his lips with yours.
it was worth all the wait.
1K notes · View notes
vanilladove · 5 months
Text
~ get free (1/3)
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pic creds luvpngs | gif creds akashi-tetsuki
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ pairing: asylum patient!nikolai x asylum attendant!fem!reader
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ genre: v suggestive w/ plot (yasssss); read at your own discretion
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ content warnings: unhealthy relationships, infidelity, slightly yandere(?) nikolai, dubious consent, nikolai himself is a warning lol, also sorry if the asylum! au is inaccurate
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ summary: reader is an asylum attendant and is assigned to their newest admit nikolai gogol. ALSO this fic is heavily inspired by @/cherikolya's fic she's the one i'm running with- pls check it out and support her! also i'm splitting this up into 2 parts bc watching the aot anime has been breaking me and consuming all my thoughts, but i still want to post:( ˚₊‧꒰ა read pt 2 & pt 3 here ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ word count: 5.7k (oops...what can i say nikolai makes me delulu)
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"Nikolai Gogol. Age 26. Male. Charged with terrorism, first-degree murder, and treason among other things, but he got off with an insanity plea. Look over his file before he comes in later." The man behind the desk tossed the neat file carelessly onto the acrylic surface, exhaling boredly after giving his monotone rundown.
"I'm being assigned to him? But I already have other patients to take care of!" You inquired, fists forming at your sides as you already imagined the overtime and exhaustion you were going to rack up.
"Attendants don't grow on trees, do they? Don't assume I'll give you special treatment. Besides, I'm handing your other patients off to the new girls, so you'll be able to focus on Gogol. He's high priority." The man butted back.
Tch. You sighed and grabbed the file, mumbling a "fine" and turning to leave his office.
"Goodbye, dear." He spat it out like venom with a forced smile. You glanced back once more at the man: your boss--or rather husband--before heading out the door. You two were simply a marriage of convenience--a business transaction. In exchange for funding to build a new asylum on par with Mersault to rehabilitate criminals, your father had offered your hand in marriage to his business partner's son, who had become entranced by your beauty after seeing you once in your father's office. He wasn't too bad of a man at first, and you both related over your occupation together, but your marriage started to go sour after he realized you weren't just a pretty face or obedient wife, and it worsened after his narcissism and egocentricity started to show. He was too traditional and trapped you in his cage of rules and regulations. Even sharing the same bed and having dinner together couldn't reignite the nonexistent spark between you.
You walked back to your office and closed the door behind you before making yourself some herbal tea to calm your nerves. Laying down on the plush couch in the middle of your room, you looked through your new patient's file, trying to memorize all the details.
Nikolai Gogol, huh? What kind of person are you? You shivered reading the list of his crimes, which seemed endless and cruel.
An hour or so had passed before you heard a soft knock at your door. "Miss?" Another attendant had come to fetch you. "Your patient is waiting for you in the white ward." The white ward was where "high priority" or more dangerous patients were kept.
"I'll be out in a moment!" You called out, getting up from the couch and tidying up the space before fixing your hair and pulling down your uniform. It was a black flowy dress with puffy bell sleeves and a white rounded collar. The dress itself was a bit too short, being designed and chosen by your gross and perverted lovely husband. You walked out the comfort of your office and followed the attendant to the white ward.
˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
"Miss, this is your patient Nikolai Gogol". The attendant gestured to the tall man standing in the hallway outside of his room. He was strapped and held by two guards, with several others surrounding him holding special guns. He had a neutral smile on his face that turned upwards upon seeing you. You couldn't help but be momentarily mesmerized by the man in front of you. He wore a loose white button up and white linen pants--the standard male patient uniform--and his white hair was messily layered with a long, neat braid on his shoulder. His eyes were the most captivating to you, one emerald and full of life and the other a dull blue with a scar. Without the jester attire donned in his file pictures, he actually looked quite...handsome and prince-like?
You snapped yourself back to reality after remembering who you were dealing with and bowed slightly, just enough to stop your dress from riding up.
Observing the situation, you could sense the belligerence seething from everyone else. Not that you could blame them, the new patient was a dangerous anarchist. Your personal philosophy was always to treat the patient as humanely as possible in order to build trust and security, so you tried to not think about your new patient's file information. Just focus on diffusing the energy of the space and getting the jester to somewhat like you.
"Hello, Nikolai. I'm your attendant and will be taking care of you for the duration of your stay here," You looked back up and smiled gently at him, starkly contrasting the hostile glares from the other attendant and guards. "Let's get along, okay?"
Nikolai's eyes widened immediately and he tried to move closer to you. "Whaaaa! Nice to meet you, pretty miss! I can't believe such a beautiful girl is taking care of me!" The two guards forcibly stopped him from taking another step and the others pointed their guns at him.
Nikolai frowned and stopped squirming. "Hey! All I did was talk! Put those scary things away!" He giggled as the guards retracted their guns slowly and stuck his tongue out at the other attendant, who looked disgusted yet scared. He wasn't intimidated or scared at all. The guards then opened the door to Nikolai's room and placed him sitting down on his bed. Before you could follow to begin debriefing, the other attendant tugged on your arm lightly.
You turned back at looked at her. She had a fluffy blonde bob, light green eyes, and freckles. Lacey, one of the young new hires your husband mentioned earlier. "Um Miss, aren't we supposed to follow the script when interacting with patients? I thought smiling at them and speaking casually promoted unwanted feelings and was unprofessional?" You cringed, loathing that she sounded just like your husband when he was lecturing.
You shot her a fake sugary smile, "Oh, yes, I usually just take a softer approach with more unstable patients. Don't want them to stab you in the back immediately, do you?" You tried to answer lightheartedly, but your efforts clearly failed by the way Lacey had a horrified look on her face from your little joke, like it was the worst answer you could've said. You awkwardly coughed and put your hand on her shoulder.
"Right, thanks for reminding me, Lacey. It's great that you remembered the boss's words." Rolling your eyes once your back was turned to her, you stepped into Nikolai's room. You already dreaded Lacey telling your husband about you deviating from protocol and the long talk he would have with you at home.
"Four of us will be staying here to observe the debrief, Miss. This man is dangerous." You nodded as each of the four the guards stood in a corner of the room and the rest filed out of the room. You pulled up a stool and sat down, giving your new patient a run down of his daily schedule and how the asylum operated. The whole time, his eyes watched you excitedly like a puppy and he giggled and nodded frequently in between your sentences. It was strange and unsettling, but you were slightly relieved you didn't have to deal with an aggressive patient.
Scooting closer to Nikolai, you pulled out a small water bottle and a case of different pills. "These are your daily meds, Nikolai. I'll come to give these to you every morning at six before breakfast. I'll monitor your progress and adjust your dosage as time goes on." He nodded as you stood up and placed the water bottle on the stool, putting on a white latex glove and pouring the pills out into your hand. "I'm going to be administering them to you just for today. Open your mouth and don't close it until I'm done, okay?"
"Okay, missy! I'll be a good boy and try not to bite your pretty fingers off!" Nikolai perked up and giggled like a child getting candy. You mentally cringed and prepared yourself for the worst as you stepped towards him. What could you expect? This man was dangerous and had no reason to listen to you. The guards tensed up as you moved closer and pointed their guns at the jester's face. You swallowed as Nikolai opened his mouth, obnoxiously saying "ahhhhhhhh" and bouncing in his spot lightly.
Heartbeat increasing, you placed your free hand under Nikolai's jaw, thumb supporting his chin and lifted his face up slightly to you as you dropped the pills into his mouth. Mind racing and anxiousness clouding your vision, you missed the way he gaze softened. He closed his mouth and leaned into your touch more, nuzzling your delicate fingers. You swiftly pulled away, turning your head back to grab the water bottle behind you, attempting to hide the light rose that dusted your cheeks, unsure of whether it was from fear or embarrassment. Nikolai's eyes were still intently on you, so you secretly hoped he had missed that.
As you opened up the water bottle and stepped back towards Nikolai again, he shook his head. "I already swallowed them, I don't need any water, miss attendant." He opened his mouth again to show you proof before you sighed out an "okay" and tightened the cap back on. You grabbed the empty pill case before gesturing to the guards to put their guns down. They complied and two came over to slowly undo the restraints on his upper body, making sure to hold him back immediately after.
"Well, Nikolai, that's all for today. Thank you, and I--"
"Whoa, missy, you have a ring! Too bad you're already married!" Nikolai interrupted, his head poking up but quickly being pushed down by one of the guards. You cursed yourself silently as you froze in place. Since you had to move around a lot and constantly clean, you wore your wedding ring on a simple gold chain as a necklace instead. It was usually tucked under your uniform, but it must have slipped out when you were laying on your couch earlier. You cleared your throat awkwardly, tucking your necklace back into your uniform and trying to get rid of the instinctive frown on your face that appeared anytime your partner was mentioned.
"Yes, I'm married. Anyways--"
“But you held my face so lovingly just now. Won't your husband get mad? You're supposed to do that to him, not your new captive, right?"
You tightened your fists at that.
"That man…does he treat you well, pryntsesa?" Even though his head was held down, his dark gaze still cut into you, now not as innocent as it was before. You were sure the cheeky man was smirking too, taunting you with an otherwise harmless question.
You let out a fake laugh and an even faker wide smile in response, just eager to leave and go home now. Whatever charm you had your patient initially under had clearly faded away. "I'll see you tomorrow at six, Mr. Gogol." Nikolai's smirk turned down after hearing the name change, but quickly turned back up again followed by loud hysterical laughs--unbeknownst to you, who had already left his room.
"So the little ptashka wants to play games, does she?"
˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
"Thanks for dinner, dear." Your husband said, wiping his mouth with a neatly folded handkerchief.
Shocking. Is he being...nice?
"Of course, I've already packed your lunch for tomorrow, too." You replied, occupied washing dishes and organizing the kitchen again.
"So, how was your first encounter with Gogol?" He inquired, walking over to you to put his dishes into the sink and lean against the counter beside you. You stopped for a moment, surprised he was making conversation with you today, as he usually retreated back to your shared bedroom or went to the living room to watch the news.
You were about to start until you noticed his brows furrowed and his arms crossed. You took your rubber gloves off and placed them next to you.
Oh boy, he's about to lecture me, isn't he?
"What are you really trying to say?"
He exhaled. "Well, Lacey--"
That snitch. You couldn't believe her.
"Ahhh, Lacey. The sweet young new girl you hired as extra help. What about her?" Your spouse's eyes narrowed.
"Respect your coworkers, dear. Lacey told me about your unprofessional interaction with Gogol. Smiling at a murderer and treating patients as friends doesn't exactly align with the asylum's values, now does it?" He said sternly.
"I was just trying to immobilize him. You can't exactly make a patient trust you when everyone's just shooting daggers at them, y'know?" He didn't look convinced. "Besides, this has always been my approach since I started in this field, and it's never failed me. You more than anyone should know I have the most successful recoveries among all the staff."
"Fine. Just make sure your unorthodox tendencies don't rub off on the other staff." He looked down at your neck. "And don't tuck your necklace under your uniform anymore. Don't want all the delinquents getting the wrong idea. You're off the market now" He lifted the chain of your necklace and traced the outline of the ring before letting go and walking to grab his coat and a pack of cigarettes.
"Going outside for a smoke break. You should get to bed and get some sleep for the long day tomorrow" He replied before walking out the door, your eyes following him.
You didn't miss the way he swiftly grabbed the keys and fixed his hair before leaving.
˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
"Good morning, dove!" Nikolai chirped upon you entering his room.
"Good morning, Nikolai. Did you sleep well?" You asked softly, taking his medication out and handing it to him, along with some Ukrainian candy.
"Mmhmm, yes I did! I had a sweet dream, too, doll, but I can't tell you what it was about!" He said excitedly. Used to his antics, you only laughed in response and watched as he took his pills--still without water for whatever reason and unwrapped the minky binky candy, popping it into his mouth.
Five weeks. That was how long it'd been since Nikolai was admitted to the asylum.
Despite your initial worries of dealing with a monster, you and Nikolai had gotten along quite well. He seemed to only listen to you, though, much to the dismay of the other attendants. It was beneficial for you though, since it meant you didn't have to work overtime seeing to other patients.
Nikolai had developed a habit of calling you by anything but your name, bestowing several different pet names on you--a new upgrade from "miss" and "missy".
He also became increasingly touchy with you as well: constantly holding your hand--intertwining his fingers with yours, braiding your hair, and hugging you when he felt "cold". Perhaps you were desensitized to it or just touch starved, but you rarely complained about it. You would rather keep him happy and easy to deal with, anyways.
"Look, pretty girl, I finished all my meds!" Nikolai exclaimed as he opened his mouth to show you proof that he swallowed them all.
You gave him a friendly smile. "You aren't having any bad side effects from your meds, are you?" You found it a bit odd that Nikolai's dosage never changed, since no one could pinpoint his exact condition. It made your job easy, though, so you tried not to think much about it.
"No ma'am. I had some trouble sleeping at first, but it's all gone now!" He stood up from his bed and watched as you straightened it up--simultaneously checking for anything suspicious. There never was anything somehow.
His hands loosely wrapped around your waist as he pressed himself against your bent back and rested his chin on your shoulder, causing you to push your hands into the sheets and wrinkle the thin blanket. You let out a surprised squeal when you felt his warm breath on your ear.
"Love, can we eat breakfast in the courtyard today?" He whispered softly, nuzzling into the crook of your neck. You felt yourself blushing as you turned around and pushed him away, his hands still remaining on your waist.
"Y-Yes, N-Nikolai, we can go to the courtyard today." You said, finally stepping away to be free of his touch just for him to hold your hand. He flashed a happy smile at you while skipping out the door, tugging you along with him.
"Yayyyy! Me and ptashka are going on a date~"
"...It's not a date, silly." You replied back, blush still faintly across your cheeks.
˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
You inhaled the fresh courtyard air, still holding hands with Nikolai as you walked on the cobblestone path. His breakfast to-go box and your lunchbox were on the nearby bench; you both already ate, but Nikolai basically ate most of your food, claiming the dining hall food was "stale and dry" compared to the pillowy cream puffs you'd brought.
"Wahhhh! Look at the fishies, dove!" Nikolai exclaimed, waving his finger at the koi fish swimming in the fountain. They eagerly swam towards him, probably thinking he was going to feed them. He giggled, eyes focusing in on two of the fish.
"Don't those two look like us, love?" You were snapped out of your previous trance and looked down to see a black koi fish and a larger white koi fish together cuddling into each other.
"Oh, I guess they do. Because of our uniforms, right?" You looked back up to Nikolai to see him frowning and still staring at the fish.
"No, dove, because they're in love..." He said lowly, to the point where you almost couldn't hear him. His gaze softened as he looked back down at you and cupped your face gently.
In love? Us?
Eyes widened, you felt confused as you looked away, not sure how to respond or think. The sudden action caused Nikolai's hands to drop away from your face. You closed your eyes, not wanting to see his disappointed face as you stammered, "We're not in lo--"
Your eyes flew open again as you felt something hard in your hand.
A bouquet of lavender roses was in your hand, with Nikolai giving you a big grin with his hands behind his back. "Pretty flowers for my pretty girl." You blushed, forgetting about what had just happened. You had always loved roses and their romantic charm.
When was the last time your husband brought you flowers?
"Lavender roses symbolize delight and love at first sight. They remind me of you." Your eyes widened again as you looked up, Nikolai turning serious and gazing at you affectionately, like you were really lovers.
You found yourself getting lost in his heterochromatic eyes. Somehow, you felt peaceful like this. Even though he was a dangerous criminal. Even though your heart was already sworn to another man.
"Thank you, Nikolai. They're beautiful." You said smiling at him, this time being genuine and not passive. You were falling into a serene state, only able to focus on him. His action had somehow touched your conflicted heart and put you in a good mood.
He laughed happily in response, pleased by your reaction. "You look lovely when you smile like that, sweetheart." He pulled your other hand back to the bench so you could sit.
"Also, you should give me a nickname, too. I have so many, but you only call me Nikolai~" He pouted, scooting next to you on the bench.
"Hmmmm...What should I call you then? Niko? 'Lai? Nikolas...?" You pondered, both of you slightly cringing at all of the options, each one sounding worse than the previous one.
"I know!" Nikolai exclaimed, grabbing your hands--still holding the flower bouquet--and clasping them together, "Kolya. Call me Kolya. That's what my close friends and family would call me!"
Family? You mean the ones you murdered? You tried to shake the thought.
"Kol--Ahh!" You cried out as you felt a deep prick on your left ring finger. You pulled your hand away from Nikolai's and dropped the bouquet, watching the blood drip down your finger and down to your thigh.
Nikolai's eyes filled with concern, "Love! You're hurt!" He rushedly rummaged through his breakfast box and his pockets, trying to find a napkin to stop the bleeding. You tried to calm him down, telling him you were fine, but he wouldn't listen.
Suddenly, he seized your left hand and brought it to his mouth, closing his lips around your ring finger. Shivers ran down your spine as you felt him running his tongue over your finger, getting every last drop of blood and kissing the spot slowly when he finished.
Heat rushed into your cheeks as the air felt thick, no longer serene and peaceful. Nikolai's eyes darkened, and an unreadable expression fell on his face.
"There's still some there, dove." He gazed down at the blood that had dripped onto your thigh. Your stomach churned at the thought of what he would do next as he pushed you down onto the bench and brought his lips to your inner thigh, leaving soft kitten licks all over the spot and lightly groaning.
"Niko--Kolya, s-stop--" You tried suppressing the moan threatening to spill out from the contact on your sensitive skin. You tried to push him away softly, but he wouldn't stop, now pressing light kisses that travelled up your thigh to your sweet spot. He was getting close. Too close.
You pushed his head away, not trying to be soft anymore, and sat up again, moving to the far side of the bench. You pulled down your dress again to cover your now reddened thigh.
"W-We can't do this. It's wrong. You're my patient, and I'm your attendant. And..." You hesitated, regaining your composure, "...And I'm married." You said, biting your tongue. The gold necklace suddenly felt heavy around your neck, like it was pulling you down.
Nikolai laughed bitterly, "You don't love him though, myla. He's kept you trapped in a cage. Is that what you want, dove? Do you want to be trapped in his cage?"
"I--"
"Miss! Mr. Gogol! There you two are! We've been looking everywhere for you both. There's a group wellness activity starting for all the patients, and they're waiting on you." You turned around to hear a familiar high-pitched voice.
Lacey. The snitch new girl.
You put on a fake smile. "My apologies, I completely lost track of time. Lacey, you can escort Nikolai to the group's meeting spot. I'll be retiring to my office for the rest of the day." She nodded as you grabbed the bouquet and your lunchbox and took one last look at Nikolai before standing up from the bench and turning away, "I'll see you tomorrow, Nikolai." You didn't wait for a response back.
It felt too awkward. Everything felt confusing; you knew your place but you also wanted to be free. You liked Nikolai but you didn't know if those feelings could be considered love. You surely didn't love your husband...
All you could do was hold onto the roses and gaze up at a dove flying across the sky. For a moment, you wished to be like that dove. To be elegant, at peace, and loved.
You wished to be free.
˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
Taking a deep breath, you forced yourself to scan your access card and enter Nikolai's room. Today was a special day, after all.
"Good morn--"
"Love! You're finally here! I was waiting for you~" Nikolai exclaimed as he lunged towards you, burying his face into your neck. He wasn't wrong; The extra time you spent collecting your thoughts and debating going in or not made you two minutes late.
You lightly pushed Nikolai away--not before he caught your hands and intertwined them with his again--and tried to put a neutral smile on your face. "Nikolai, I have good news for you."
His face lit up as he clasped your hands and brought them towards his chest, "What is it, dove? Are you divorcing your husband and leaving him for me?" He shook your hands excitedly as you eyed him disappointingly. He really wasn't going to drop this lovesick act, was he?
You shook your head and cleared your throat, "No, as a reward for good behavior, you can choose a special place to visit and an item to keep in your room. Your options are the courtyard, the gy--"
"The library. I want a book to read." Nikolai stated, suddenly turning serious, taking you slightly aback; you didn't take him as the type to be able to sit still and read for a long time.
"Alright, the library it is then. Take your meds first, and then we can go, 'kay?" He nodded excitedly as you turned away from him to make his bed and do the usual check. Nothing suspicious, as usual.
˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
The guard greeted you both as you approached the grand library doors. It was an old wooden room with tall glass windows that contrasted the relatively short bookshelves. It wasn't exactly a popular destination for patients, so the books were mostly dated and collecting dust. The natural light inside made it one of your favorite break spots during your trainee days, so it was a bit nostalgic for you.
"There are security cameras around the library, but radio in if anything happens." The guard explained sternly, looking over at Nikolai and then you, "Do you need assistance with your patient, or will you two be fine alone?"
You shifted your gaze over to Nikolai, who had a slightly mischievous smile on his face but maintained a serious expression. "We'll be fine alone. He'll behave." The guard nodded at you before opening the door and letting you two in. The door shut firmly and you tried to grab Nikolai's hand, but he dashed away from you towards the large stained glass window before turning to face you.
"It's so big in here, ptashka. I haven't been in a library in sooooooo long. I actually love to read, y'know?" He said, smiling and motioning for you to join him. The colorful stained glass reflected on his face, casting multicolored kaleidoscopes on his face.
You joined him, admiring his beauty momentarily before leaning against the window and crossing your arms. "I didn't know that, no. To be honest, I didn't think you were much of a reader.." You said lightly with a giggle.
Nikolai grinned back, "Heh. There's a lot you don't know about me, dove." He looked away, lowering his voice a bit, "But that's fine. You'll have plenty of time to learn everything later~" You looked at him confusedly, not quite catching what he said, but you remembered the reason you came and grabbed his hand again.
"Anyways, was there a particular book you were looking for? I know this place pretty well." He laughed in response.
"Ah, is that so? Well, I'm looking for The Overcoat. It's my favorite book." Nikolai said proudly, like he was trying to impress you with his literature selection.
"The books are sorted by last name. Do you know the author?" You asked, leading him towards the bookshelves. Nikolai just squeezed your hand and started skipping forward at a fast pace, practically dragging you behind him as he started giggling hysterically.
"Nope! Not a clue, hehe~" You paused and frowned at him. Who didn't even know the author of their "favorite" book? "The genre's fiction, though, if it helps~" Nikolai said giddily, turning towards you and swinging your arms from side to side. You sighed and slowly headed over to the fiction section. There were about 1,000 books to go through, so you weren't exactly too excited. Not that it bummed you out too much, though, since your husband had asked you to help the new girls clean if you finished early with patient duties. You supposed you'd rather spend your time with Nikolai finding his book.
You both agreed to search the shelves simultaneously, Nikolai looking on the higher shelves and you on the shorter ones. The space between shelves was quite narrow, making his chest rub against your back several times. He wasn't shy either, grabbing your hips to maneuver past you, causing you to jolt when he pressed himself behind you.
Starting to lose count of how many books and shelves you'd checked, you were falling into a tired daze until Nikolai's sudden shout woke you up. "I found it, dove! I'm the winner! Me, me, me!" You looked over to Nikolai, who now had his book in his hands, and shot him a relieved smile.
He hurriedly headed towards you as you gave him some congratulatory praise. "Guess our work's done here, then. Let's get some lunch and call it a da--"
He hugged you suddenly, making you yelp as he giggled and wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling your back against him. He leaned in by your ear, squeezing you tighter, inhaling your scent, "Say, dove, do you still have the roses I gave you from the courtyard?" You perked up toward him as he smiled, awaiting your response.
You did. You'd placed them in a small glass vase--trimming the thorns off--and put it on your dresser. Somehow, the sickly sweet smell was stronger in your room than it was in the courtyard. "Yeah," you smiled, "They're in a vase by my dresser. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them because of how beautiful they were." Nikolai snickered at that, delighted that you'd cherished his little gift.
He slowly smirked, "Your husband doesn't give you flowers, does he?" You tensed up a bit under his arms but relaxed again, frowning and looking down.
"No, he doesn't. I think the last time was during our honeymoon." Nikolai cuddled into your neck after that, rubbing your sides like he was trying to comfort you.
"What a shame, love. You should leave him for me. He doesn't deserve you." Nikolai said, his teeth barely grazing your ear, sending shivers down your spine. Was the space always this narrow?
"I can't. It doesn't work like tha--"
"Why not, though? Leave him for me. I'm actually perfectly sane, y'know? I know how to make you happy, how to free you from his cage..." He paused, "How to touch you..." His hands on your waist trailed down, pushing your skirt up higher.
"H-hey!" You stammered, stopping his hands from going further with your own, "We can't do this. There are cameras here." You anxiously looked around, trying to find them, but Nikolai's hand grabbed your face and pulled it back down to him.
"Shhhhhh. Stop worrying, myla. This is a blind spot. It's covered by the light, see?" He tilted your face up slowly again toward the camera, which was in fact covered by a big, dusty lantern. How convenient.
He pushed your skirt up again and grinded himself on you, and you swore you could feel his bulge pressing up against you. "You've been driving me crazy, dove, since yesterday I've only been able to think about you," he grunted, slipping his hands into your loosened dress and under your lacy bra to palm and squeeze your breasts. "The sounds you made...I wanna hear them again."
Your head was screaming at you to run away and get the guard, but you couldn't ignore the wet spots on your matching lace panties from your arousal. To be honest, you didn't remember the last time you'd been this intimate with anyone, and your body was clearly craving touch. Your breath hitched as Nikolai kissed below your ear, working his way down to the crook of your neck. You were starting to feel lightheaded.
Becoming more desperate for a reaction, Nikolai suddenly pinched your sensitive nipples and bit down on your neck, causing you to yelp in pleasure. "A-ahh K-Kolya--" The sudden impact caused you to push back against his clothed member and grip onto the sturdy shelf in front of you for support. You could feel him grinning in satisfaction, letting out a low groan.
"Mmm there's the pretty noise I wanted to hear~" Nikolai replaced his lips with his tongue, trailing slowly up and down your neck as you kept bucking against him, needing more friction. "Dove," he heaved as you mewled upon feeling his tip brush against your clit through eachother's clothes. He couldn't handle seeing you start to lose yourself. "F-fuck, kiss me".
Nikolai grabbed your hips suddenly and turned you around, so your back was against the wooden shelf. You looked up at his face; he was panting heavily, eyes filled with lust, and a few strands loose from his usual kept braid. The sight of him made your cheeks flush and your panties even wetter. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in, bringing one hand to his lips and tracing his bottom lip with your thumb. You gazed intently at his lips. Just one kiss will be fine, right?
Both of your noses were practically rubbing against each other as Nikolai started to dip down. "Kolya, I--"
BAM!
You instinctively pulled away as you recognized the sound of the old library door being kicked down. As the stomping of the guards' boots grew closer, you pushed Nikolai off your body and fixed your dress. Nikolai shot you a surprised glance as the guards knocked down the heavy bookshelves to open up the space around the two of you, eliminating the narrow confines. You couldn't process what was happening as five guards circled around Nikolai, drawing their guns and pointing them at him as he put his hands up. Another guard was slowly approaching you, lifting the walkie talkie up to his mouth.
"06, copy. Patient Gogol has been surrounded and apprehended successfully. We're on our way to the interrogation room," He glanced over to you, still sitting down in shock, "His attendant's here, too. We'll bring her to you, Boss."
Boss? Your husband? Shit, had you been caught?
You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't even notice Nikolai being handcuffed and pushed out the door--or the way he looked back at you--until the guard put his hand on your shoulder and called out your name. "Miss, we need to get going. We'll explain everything once we're with the boss again." He helped you up as you trailed slowly behind him with a churning stomach and The Overcoat clutched tightly in your arms.
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˚₊‧꒰ა part 2 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
˚₊‧꒰ა part 3 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
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tfone4one · 11 days
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Seventeen Going Under: Tommy
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Image One | Image Two | Image Three
Pairing(s): Neighbor!Simon "Ghost" Riley x Single Mom!Reader Word Count: 7.0k+ Summary: After leaving your abusive husband, you and your 17 year old son, Tommy, move to the U.K. from the U.S. for a fresh start. He's less than enthusiastic to be moving countries, having to be the new, weird American kid on the block. He's even less enthusiastic about his new neighbor who seems to be making moves on his mother. POV: 3rd Person Omniscent; No use of "Y/N" or "You"; Reader is referred to with she/her pronouns. Rating: Mature/Restricted - MDNI; Ageless Blogs DNI Categories: HEAVY ANGST- PLEASE READ ALL WARNINGS BEFORE PROCEEDING, slow burn, eventual smut, strangers to lovers CWs: Scenes and depictions of domestic abuse and child abuse in the form of slapping, kicking, and punching. One scene of implied sexual abuse happening to the reader via rape. Illegal age gap between reader and her ex-husband (age difference of 14 and 21). Depictions of violence between Tommy and his father. Underage alcohol consumption and implied dubious consent via alcohol. Reader gets disowned from her family. DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT. Note: Thank you guys so much for being so patient with me as I worked through some writer's block. Here is the first chapter. I know a lot of people were asking about a taglist, however, I have chosen to not include a taglist because they overwhelm me lol. I'm sorry. Please let me know if I have missed any CWs that you believe should be added. Thank you. Also, my depiction of the UK/Manchester and Simon's accent is probably very inaccurate lol.
MASTERLIST SERIES MASTERLIST
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“An embryonic love— The first time that it scarred, Embarrass yourself for someone, Crying like a child… And the boy who kicked Tom’s head in Still bugs me now.  That’s the thing—it lingers, And claws you when you’re down.”
There were a lot of things that Tommy didn’t understand. For instance, he didn’t understand how stars were formed or why he had to take an astronomy class. He didn’t understand why cat lovers claimed that dog lovers didn’t have a sense of consent or boundaries, as if dogs don’t have clear boundaries of their own? Speaking of dogs, why didn’t that dog like him at the park last week? All dogs love him. 
He could go on and on about the mundane things he didn’t seem to understand, though his astronomy grade would be plenty of testimony that he clearly didn’t understand the formation of stars. However, none of that would ever compare to the constant state of confusion he found himself in as he grew up. 
He had the American dream. A two-bedroom home in the Indiana suburbs with a white picket fence that had been bought all the way back in 2007, just before the recession hit. He had a mother and a father. He lived in an area that was well-off enough—he wasn’t rich or poor. It should have been a comfortable life…
But as his mother nervously drives down the road, heading off to their new home in a new country, making a comment about how “the infrastructure in this country is absolute dog shit, and I hate driving manuals. We should have just moved to Canada,” Tommy cannot remember ever being comfortable in his home for the life of him. 
What he does remember is his first memory. He wishes it was something beautiful, like seeing his mother smiling and cooing down at him. Instead, it's a vivid image of his dark bedroom with his "Cars" bed sheets pulled up to his chin. The sound of someone crying and wailing spills through his sky blue walls and into his ears. There's a pressure that pushes insistantly against his chest. His tiny feet pitter-pattered against the tan carpeted floor to open his door just a smidge to investigate. He sees a tall, dark figure towering over one cowered low to the floor. It doesn’t take him long to realize it’s his mother and father. 
He didn’t understand it back then, but as the memory flashes through Tommy’s mind, he knows what had happened very well. His father’s hand was clenched into a fist, tugging on his mother’s hair as she screamed and kicked at him. "Stop," she cries. "Danny, please, stop!" His entire body lay on top of hers. Tommy wants to throw up as he remembers the ripped clothing, the tears on his mother’s face, and how his father looked at him. 
“Go back to bed, Tom,” he said. “Mommy and I are just playing. First day of school is tomorrow, so you need to rest.”
When Tommy looked to his mother for confirmation, she only nodded. He knew something was wrong, but couldn't quite understand it. "Why is mommy crying?" He asks with a soft and timid tone.
"It's okay," he mother whispers, looking at him. "Just go to sleep, okay? Mommy and daddy love you... Goodnight," she grunts.
So Tommy goes to bed, and he tries to block out the sounds coming from the hallway.
It wasn’t until Tommy turned 12 and entered middle school that he understood the abuse his father gave to his mother. She had suddenly decided to enroll him in soccer, telling him that he needed to be out of the house and active more; he needed a hobby and a space to make new friends. Truthfully, he loved it. He enjoyed the game and the adrenaline rush it gave him, and he loved the people he met because of the sport. 
But one time, practice had gotten canceled. The coach’s daughter had gotten sick and needed to go to the hospital, and even though Tommy loved the sport, he was excited to be home early, before dinner for once. Maybe he’d have some extra downtime after finishing up whatever assignments he had for the night. 
He could hear sobbing when he got to the front door, and his stomach turned. It reminded him of that night, of his first memory. Only this time, he was older. He knew better; he knew that something was off. 
With shaking hands, he pushed the front door open, and then he saw it. Right in front of him, his father was standing over his mother, one hand holding her down while the other relentlessly made continuous contact with her face. “I’m sorry,” she kept repeating. “Please, stop. I’m sorry.” 
Without thinking, Tommy rushed in, placing himself between his parents. “What are you doing?” He shouted at his dad. “Leave her alone! Stop it!” He didn’t sound intimidating or convincing in the slightest. His small frame and cracking voice certainly didn’t help. 
His father only grunted and grabbed onto him instead, throwing him to the ground. From the corner of his eye, he could see his mother diving for him, screaming at his father to once again stop, and before he could react, he felt the side of his father’s boot make contact with the side of his head. 
It was like a scene in a movie, a montage of sorts. There was ringing in his ears as the blurry vision of his mother pushing his father away filled his head. She’s still sobbing, screaming at him, begging him to leave Tommy alone. “Danny, stop it!” She screams. “No! Don’t touch him!” 
He blinks just once, and when he opens his eyes, he finds himself staring up at the ceiling of his room, a bag of ice sitting on his head. “Tommy?” A voice calls out, dulled and echoing through his brain. “Baby… Wake up…” He turns to his side and sees his mother’s tear-stained, bruised-up face. 
“Mom?” He grunts. “Are you okay?” 
The question makes her break down. Her son, the boy she loved more than anything in this world, had just been kicked in the head by her husband, and yet, here he was, asking her if she was okay. It makes her sob into her hands as she kneels down by his side. “Baby,” she whimpers. “Promise me that you will never, ever step in like that again…”
”But mom—“
”Thomas Daniel Fletcher, you promise me,” she insists. “Don’t make your father angry like that, okay? You let me handle it. I don’t want you getting hurt again… And don’t ever speak of this to anyone… He’ll only make things worse for us.”
Looking back at it now, Tommy thinks he only agrees because he was possibly concussed. However, he silently made a promise to both himself and his mother that day. He swore he’d make himself stronger, strong enough to stand a chance against his father one day. He didn’t know how much longer he could stand by, knowing exactly what his father was doing. 
From that day forward, he ate more meat and drank more milk. He begged his mother to buy him protein shakes whenever she went to the grocery store. Every morning, at 6AM, he took the neighbor’s dog for a run and did pushups in his bedroom before school. 
Once he entered high school, he finally hit a growth spurt and spent almost all of his time in the school’s weight room. If he wasn’t at soccer practice, he was lifting weights. By age fifteen, he was 6’3” and around 215 pounds of muscle. While he was lean, he could put his arms to work. For years, he’d been training his body to be bigger and stronger, using the sounds of his mother crying and wailing as motivation. 
It’s a Tuesday afternoon in October. The hot summer sun was no more. Instead, a cool autumn breeze ran through Tommy’s hair. However, his back is still wet with sweat from soccer practice. He’d played extra hard today. Kicked and dribbled every ball with extra precision, his brows low as sweat dripped down from them. Before he’d left, his coach clapped him on the shoulder, telling him to go home and rest–he’d earned it after working so hard today. 
The sweat, body odor, and sore muscles are all telling him to hop into the shower as soon as he gets home, but his brain and the adrenaline coursing through his veins tell him that as soon as he sees his father, there’s no holding back. He’d kill the bastard if needed to. He can hear his parents arguing before he even reaches the door. Well, his father does most of the yelling while his mother begs for mercy. His large hands push the door open, sending it flying into the wall, the knob putting a hole right through it due to the amount of force he uses. He sees his mother jump at the sudden noise. 
His father glares at him, almost snarling. “The fuck do you think you’re doing?” He turns his body towards Tommy. They’re just as tall as each other now; their eyes sit at the same level. This intimidation tactic wouldn’t work anymore. “You don’t ever walk into my house, slamming my door like that. You will show me some respect, boy.” 
Tommy can see how his mother grabs his father’s arm, trying to pull him away. “It was an accident, Danny,” she says. “Just let it go, okay? We’ll get it fixed.” Her eyes flicker at him; this is the first time he has looked at her since getting home. She wasn’t wearing makeup today, nor was she wearing long sleeves like she usually did. She must have not left the house today. It wasn’t like her to keep her bruises so exposed. As his eyes cascade down the yellow and purple marks, it only fuels his rage even more. 
Without a word, Tommy suddenly lunges at Danny, grabbing the man by the collar of his shirt. He shoves him harshly up against the wall. His timing is impeccable, giving his father no time to react. Then, he pulls his arm back as much as he can before he begins to ram his fist into his father’s face over and over. He can hear what sounds like a delicious and deep-toned crunch when he makes contact with his nose. He thinks he can hear his mother gasp and call out his name, but he can barely hear it. 
Danny grunts as he takes each blow. He can see Tommy’s endurance draining fast, and when he finds the opportunity, he shoves his son back, sending him into the cabinet beside them. He swings back at his son, hitting him in the jaw so hard that it practically spins the teenager’s head right around. He smirks victoriously, blood spilling from his nose. He then throws the boy onto the floor before lifting his foot and forcing it into the boy’s gut. It knocks the wind out of him. However, the evil smirk wiped off his face as Tommy tackled him to the ground with a grunt. The younger man is much faster and has better reflexes, giving him the upper hand in this fight. 
At this point, Tommy catches a glimpse of his terrified mother. His left hand wraps around his father’s throat as he sees her shaking, frozen in place, with tears dripping from her swollen eyes. He can’t look at her. If he keeps looking at her, he might actually kill his father, and he couldn’t leave his mother alone. He’d stood by, witnessing the torment his father put her through for long enough; she would need him to stick around. “Call the cops, Mom,” he says to her. 
Then he glances back down at his father. He hates him. He hates that they share the same nose and eyes. He inherited his hair texture and body composition. They both metabolize protein better than they do carbohydrates. In so many ways, he and his father were the same. Even now, Tommy begins to believe that he was only capable of the violent act he was committing because it was in his father’s blood, and therefore, it was in his own. Unfortunately for Danny, his son can’t seem to care about all that right now. 
As he holds his father down by the throat, Tommy brings his fist down again. Again. Once more. He thinks he can hear his mom finally speaking to the dispatcher on the phone. When he sees his hands stained with his father’s blood, he decides that he’s done his job. He stands up, hunching forward a bit as he feels a stinging sensation in his abdomen. His solid but tired arms hook themselves underneath his father’s underarms, and he drags him out the front door, leaving him a bloody mess on the lawn. He huffs and puffs, trying to catch his breath as he returns to the porch step and sits down. 
“Tommy!” He hears his mother cry. He lifts his head slightly as she kneels before him, immediately reminding him of when he had just started middle school. Instead of being kicked in the stomach, he’d been kicked in the head, and his mother was kneeling by his side, crying with regret permanently sewn into her facial expressions. This time was different, though. This time, he was actually able to protect her, and that’s all that mattered to him. 
“I’m okay, Mom,” he grunts as she feels him lifting his shirt to inspect his wounds. The sounds of police and ambulance sirens start to ring out, growing louder and louder as they get closer. 
When the police arrive, they are greeted with quite the scene. A young mother, her teenage son, and a deadbeat father on the lawn, all of them looking either bloody or bruised. The EMTs immediately get to work, doing checks on all of them before allowing the police to speak to each of them. 
However, as they’re taking statements, one of the EMTs walks over to Tommy’s mother. “We’re gonna need to take him to the hospital. It’s likely he’s got some internal bleeding going on,” he says. “We’ll need you to come along.” The officer closes up his notepad, stating that he’ll follow them to finish getting her statement there. 
After that, it’s a long legal battle. Unfortunately, the right to a speedy trial is loosely defined. It’s definitely not as speedy as the Constitution would like its citizens to believe. It took around 90 days for any of them to step into court, and it takes even longer for a proper sentence to be given. Having a group of state-appointed lawyers trying to prove that your father was an innocent man while watching your mother sit on the stand, photos of the bruises and scars that had been accumulated over the years was one of the most challenging and most rage-inducing things he’d ever gone through.
It resulted in a divorce, Tommy’s mother being given full custody, and 38 years in prison total for his father under felony charges of child battery, sexual battery, rape, and domestic battery—Tommy swears he should be getting more. Still, due to the lack of documented evidence, most of the sentencing was minimal. He sincerely hopes that his father dies in that cell. He heard plenty from Reddit forums about what happens to people who commit crimes against children. Many would tell him it wasn’t right to wish death upon someone. Tommy doesn't give a single fuck. 
Of course, just because his father was now out of the picture didn’t mean that things would be easy for Tommy and his mother. Just because he was in prison doesn’t mean that the two weren’t almost always on edge, scared that he’d either escape or be released early on “good behavior.” They were both left with heavy amounts of PTSD. Tommy especially continued to struggle with the fact that his bare hands could have easily ended a life, and he struggled even more with the thought of not caring if he’d killed his father. He was scared that there was something within him that made him violent, like his father, and he was afraid that it could fester into something more. 
Because of this, his mother enrolled him in therapy. It wasn’t hard to see how much it weighed on his mind. Her quiet son is even quieter and more distant. While he was still on the soccer team, his chances of becoming captain became less and less likely. His grades were beginning to slip, putting him at risk of needing to attend summer school. He stopped taking the neighbor’s dog for runs in the mornings. He simply was losing himself to the storm that consumed his mind. 
When Tommy gets the news from his mother about the move, he doesn’t seem to be thrilled at all. He believes that moving solves nothing. A fresh start solves nothing. All it means is that his high school credits are gonna be a bastard to transfer over to the UK’s education system; he’d have to leave his soccer team behind, and he’d have to establish himself with a new therapist. If anything, a “fresh start” is the last thing that he needs. He was only one school year away from finishing everything up; he wished she could have waited until then. 
His lack of enthusiasm shows now as he rests his head against the window of his car, trying to block out the noise of his mother continuing to complain about the infrastructure. She’s been going on about it for the past thirty minutes. He really wishes he hadn’t tossed his carry-on luggage into the trunk of the car without grabbing his headphones first. Instead, all he has to entertain himself are the raindrops that fall down his window. “This place is a shit hole,” he mutters. 
“Thomas,” his mother warns. When he says nothing else, she sighs. Her eyes glance at him briefly before focusing on the road, a frown pulling down at her lips. “Listen, I know that… our life hasn’t been very easy for you, and I’m sorry. I wish I could have been stronger for us both back then,” she says remorsefully. “I just want us to be safe, to have a home where we don’t have to constantly look over our shoulders.”
Tommy loved his mother. Indeed, he did, and despite the nightmares, the somewhat unhelpful therapy sessions, and the constant fear of becoming his father, he wouldn’t ever hesitate to protect her. He’d relive the day he finally beat his father over and over again if it meant the safety of her. That didn’t change the fact that this move was irritating. “He’s the one who did wrong,” he grunts. “There’s no reason why we should have to be the ones running.’
”I know, Tom,” she says. 
But truthfully, they had nowhere else to go.
She was 14 when she got pregnant with him and 15 when she gave birth. Her parents had already told her that she was forbidden from seeing and being with Danny, considering that he’d been 21 when they met. They didn’t find the age difference to be appropriate, and rightfully so. They’d gotten into an hour-long screaming match about it when they found out how old he was. 
“There is absolutely no need for a man that old to be with you! How did you even meet him?” Her mother shouted. “What kind of creep that old tries to get with a girl who has just started high school?”
“You and Dad have the same age difference, so what does it matter?” She argued back. “Danny loves me, and you guys should be happy for me!”
”The difference is that your mother and I were both adults when we met!” Her father said back to her. “You are way too young to know what loving someone like that even means.”
She had been grounded for three months after that. After school, she was meant to march straight back home, and she could forget about hanging out with her friends, using the family computer, or using the family phone to speak with anyone. Of course, she’d also been forbidden from seeing Danny ever again. 
That didn’t stop her, however. All that resulted from the grounding and forbiddance was her skipping out of class to meet her precious Daniel at the park. They’d make plans for her to sneak out of her window so he could drive them back to his apartment, where she would spend the night.
She wishes she could have seen it back then. It wasn’t at all acceptable for a twenty-one-year-old man who had graduated college and had a full-time job to be picking up his juvenile girlfriend. What adult dates someone who has to sneak out of their parent’s house? Not a normal one, that’s for fucking sure. 
She’d spend the nights in his home, drinking each and every beer that he’d handed to her until she was just the slightest bit tipsy, giggling at everything he’d said. 
“I’m gonna marry you one day, you know that?” He’d teased her one night as they lay on the couch together. He was on top of her, slotted right between her legs as his hands gripped at her uncovered thighs. The second she stepped into the apartment, he’d taken off her clothes and tossed one of his own t-shirts on him, just to remind her exactly who she belonged to. 
She giggled as she felt his lips pressing against the skin of her neck, groaning as he began to suck on her pulse point. “Danny,” she whined. “Nothing visible. My parents could see it,” she reminded him, but she made no discernible efforts to push him away or stop him. She never did. 
And it madehim smirk against her skin. He liked the amount of control he had over her and liked that she was willing to listen to him only. She didn’t seem to care about what her parents thought, and she was more than willing to defy them just so that she could be with him. His teeth grazed against her before he bit down, causing her to gasp. A chuckle slipped from his lips as she cried out for him again. 
He felt no guilt whatsoever for any of his actions, and when she had gotten into his car with tears streaming down her face as she broke the news to him that she was pregnant, it was as if everything had fallen into place for him. He finally had found the opportunity to keep her with him forever. 
“We’ll figure this out, baby,” he promised her as she cried in his arms. His hand trailed down to the top of her stomach. “I promise I’ll be with you every step of the way…” He looked deep into her eyes before kissing her. “I love you.” 
“You do?” She wondered, wide, teary eyes looking right back at him. “I love you too.” She kisses him back, clinging onto him for dear life. 
“My girl,” he thinks as his kisses grow hungrier. “All wrapped around my finger.”
She breaks the news to her parents the following day. 
When they found out that not only had she gone against their wishes but also ended up pregnant without much of a plan, they kicked her out. Not only had they been furious with her, but they had also feared what their small community would think of them as parents.
”How did they not know?” “Where were they?” “Did they even pay attention to their child? How could this have happened?” 
The whispers around town had spread far and fast. She had to drop out of school once she’d started to show, and as she began to work at the local grocery store, she could see the parents of her former classmates make eyes at her, full of either pity or disgust. 
She moved in with Danny. It’s not like she would have anywhere else to go. Her parents had disowned her after all. He was happy to have her around. It meant he got to come home to the mother of his child and a warm, home-cooked meal. He would spend all of his time with her rubbing at the baby bump and feeling the kicks beneath his hands, and though she’d been sad that her parents had been so cruel to her, he made their life feel like a fairytale. 
Just before Tommy was born, Danny bought a house for the three of them to share, and it made her hopeful that things would get better. This feeling of hope only increased when the two had married only a year after their son was born, the second she’d turned 16. 
But then things started to change. She had to quit her job to take care of Tommy; she couldn’t just leave him home alone, and they had moved so far from Danny’s parents, so they had no one to babysit. They sure as hell couldn’t ask her parents to help out either. 
Being a stay-at-home mother meant there was only one income to contribute to the household. Bills got harder to pay, and the grocery prices had increased. On top of all that, Tommy was quite the fussy and busy child. 
To cope with it all, Danny began to drink more than he usually did, and one night, when he’d gotten home after a long day at work, he reached into the fridge and cracked open a beer. He grew angry after finding the lack of a hot meal on the stove. The sound of his son crying rang throughout the house, and his wife was nowhere to be seen. 
He called out her name, and she rushed out of the bathroom. “Hey, babe,” she greeted, exhaustion written all over her face. “I’m so sorry. I’ll get started on dinner soon. Tommy has just been so fussy today, and he still needs a bath, and I haven’t had the chance to clean the house or—“
She was cut off by the sudden feeling of stinging on her right cheek. Her ear rang as she stumbled back a bit, trying to process what had just happened. It hurt; why did it hurt? What’s going on? Tears welled up in her eyes as she was finally able to move her head again, looking back at her husband. “Danny, what—?”
”I spend all day at work to provide for us,” he growls. “And all you have to do is take care of the goddamn kid and make some fucking food, and you can’t even do that fucking much?” He exclaims. “Fucking grow up. You have a loving husband who provides for you and takes care of you. The least you could do is repay him by having some goddamn food on the table!” 
She’s stunned, unable to move. Had he really hit her? What was he even saying? What happened to the sweet, doting man she’d fallen in love with? Where was he? 
Without another word, she moved to make dinner, and once he was done, she flinched as Danny wrapped an arm around his waist and pressed a kiss to her forehead, and she continued to flinch whenever he moved near her. 
The morning after, he had gotten down on his knees and apologized to her, telling her that it would never happen again. “I was just having a hard day, baby,” he said. “You know I would never hurt you on purpose. It was an accident. I love you; you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he cried out. “Please don’t leave me. Don’t take away my son. I love you; I won’t ever do it again.”
She wished she hadn’t believed him. The first time is never the only time; it’s never the last, but what choice did she have? Who did she have? Her parents kicked her out, and she didn’t have any friends. All she had was Danny and her son; she couldn’t lose all she had. 
Since then, she hadn’t spoken with her parents, and she refused to. There was no way in hell that she would let such cruel people near her son, especially considering what he’s had to witness the past seventeen years of his life. If she’d gone running back into their arms now, she knew all she would get was a lecture about how they were right, and she was wrong. She swore she could hear their voices in her head. “How could you let him do that to your son? You’re a horrible mother for keeping our grandchild in that situation!”
 What they needed was to completely disconnect themselves from their old life. 
“But let’s try to make the best of this, alright? We’re in a new place with new people. There’s a whole new culture for us to explore, and everyone out here loves soccer,” she says, trying her best to cheer him up. She knows her efforts are likely to be futile. “Though, they’ll probably punch you if you call it that over here. It’s football.” 
Tommy doesn’t respond. His eyes just continue to stare at the raindrops. In his head, they’re racing each other. It’s the only thing that he can find entertaining right now. He’s silent for the rest of the bumpy car ride, and before he knows it, they’re pulling into the driveway of their new home. 
He steps out of the car and looks up at the building. It’s a semi-detached house made of old red brick. It’s a stark contrast to their home back in Indiana—a completely detached house made of white siding and a large front and back yard. He’s unsure if he even has a front yard here, and there’s no way the backyard could be much bigger. 
“Tommy, come help me with our stuff,” his mother calls out to him.
He turns around to find her struggling with the luggage and sighs before walking over to her, taking them from her hands. “Mom, I told you to let me handle all the bags and stuff,” he says softly. “I can lift all this stuff. You’ve been driving and taking care of everything else. Just relax.” He may be a grump, but that wouldn’t stop him from being a good son. 
With soft eyes, his mother watches as Tommy takes the bags from her hands, along with the keys to the house, and walks up the sidewalk. He pushes the key inside the keyhole, and before they know it, they’re on their way to settling into their new life—a safer life. 
Meanwhile, the man next door—tall (an understatement) and well built (another understatement), blonde with dark brown eyes that cut right through whoever he’s looking at—watches from his window. He’d never taken an interest in his neighbors beforehand. As long as they didn’t make too much noise or cause any trouble, he felt no need to pay them any attention, but as he gazes through the glass panes at the woman who seemed to be struggling to reach into the boot of the car and pull out even more heavy luggage, he can’t help but to move his feet right out the door. 
She jumps at his voice. “Need help, miss?” He grunts, looking down at her. 
She pulls herself out of the trunk, and her neck cranes as she looks up at him. Her eyes flicker all around his face, over every scar that seemed to be present before they finally settle on his eyes. “Yeah, if you could,” she finally manages to stutter out, in awe of the absolute giant in front of her. A handsome giant at that. With a smile and an outstretched hand, she introduces herself by name. 
“Simon,” he tells her, voice low and raspy. He then begins to reach into the trunk, and he easily pulls out the luggage. He pretends to not notice the way she gawks at his large arms. “I live righ’ next door,” he says. “Not the house attached to yours, but the other one.” 
The woman looks over to where he seems to motion. The house on her right side looks exactly the same; it is just attached to a different unit. “Well, it’s nice to meet you,” she tells him. “I’m not from around here, so it’ll be nice to get to know everyone around here.” 
Simon’s interest piques at this statement. “Can tell from the accent,” he says. “S’why move ‘ere? Much nicer places in the country to be.” Was that rude of him to say?
”Well,” she says. “Just… Trying to get a fresh start. Manchester was in the budget.” A small chuckle leaves her lips. “This place just seemed like it would be a good change of pace for my son and I.”
Her son—right. The young man that Simon had seen briefly. He glances down at the woman’s left hand and sees the absence of a ring, nothing to indicate that she was legally tied down to anyone. Then, he glances back at the house. The door is still open. “Righ’,” he says. “Jus’you and your son then?” He asks. 
She knows exactly what he’s hinting at, and a tight-lipped smile pulls at her lips as she nods in response. “Yeah, the father’s not in the picture anymore,” she tells him. “Good riddance.” 
Simon chuckles. “Well, seems like it’s his loss, aye?” 
Before she can respond, the sound of a cleared throat pulls them out of the conversation. When they look over to see where the noise is coming from, they see Tommy standing in front of them, clearly apathetic to the fact that he’s just interrupted whatever conversation they were engaging in. 
“Tommy, honey,” his mother says with a smile. She reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder, bringing him closer. “This is our new neighbor, Simon.”
It’s a bit awkward now, isn’t it? Simon knows exactly what this looks like to her son, and while he did find the lady attractive, very attractive, in fact, he didn’t know her. It’s not like he’d make moves so early on. Hell, he didn’t know the last time he’d made moves on someone in general. Nonetheless, he tries to push past all that as he holds his hand out for Tommy to shake. “Nice to meet you, mate,” he says. “Just helping ‘er out with the bags. Looked like she was having some trouble.”
Tommy eyes the man in front of him. He sees the rugged exterior, the short, grown-out buzz cut, the tattoos, and the scarring across his face and body. Though he’d always been taught to never judge a book by its cover, it’s not as easy as it sounds. When he sees this Simon character, he can only think that he’d be trouble. This man shouldn’t be anywhere near his mom, and he’d be damned if he would let it happen.
So, he says, “Right,” without shaking his hand, not caring that he’d be scolded by his mother about it later. He puts his hands to use by grabbing more of the bags instead. “Well, bye,” he plainly says before walking back towards the house. 
His mother frowns and gives Simon an apologetic look. “I’m sorry about him. He’s not very thrilled about moving out here.” 
As Simon watches Tommy drag his feet against the sidewalk, lifting the bags with ease, he can sense something more from him—something familiar. “‘S’all righ’,” he excuses. “I’m sure ‘e’ll come ‘round in time. Don’t know much about kids or teenagers, but I know they can’t always be the easiest. ‘E seems like a good kid, though.” 
The woman has a look of melancholy on her face when she looks over at her son, but the way she speaks seems to be filled with fondness. “Yeah, he’s the greatest,” she tells Simon. “Best kid I could have ever asked for.” 
She feels a sense of shame and embarrassment. Even after everything Tommy had been through, he’d managed to be such a good kid; he didn’t seem to hold any resentment and anger towards her, and she never understood why. She knew that the second Danny had laid his hands on her son, she should have gotten them out of there, but she didn’t, and there’s never a day that goes by where she doesn’t wish she’d done things differently. With every glimpse of her son, she regrets not being more assertive. Instead, he’d been the reason they were able to leave. 
Before she can spiral even further, she turns back to Simon, who has taken the rest of the bags out of the trunk. “Well, thanks,” she says. “Tommy and I will get the rest of them. Obviously, he’s not too keen on meeting new people right now, so…”
Simon nods. “Yeah, I get tha’,” he says earnestly. “He’s probably just tired; try not to give him too much shite for it, yeah?” He chuckles. “Jet lag and all...” 
It makes her giggle, and she gives his hand another shake, saying goodbye before Simon retreats back into his house, thinking about the lovely new neighbor and her son. It wasn’t like him to be so forward and outgoing. He was the coldest grump around. Sure, he’d talked to his neighbors before; he wasn’t wholly reclusive. Mrs. Davies, the quaint old lady who lived in the unit connected to his, often needed help with her groceries, and he was always happy to provide assistance, but this was different. This was a woman near his age, with whom he found himself completely enamored. There’s something familiar about her, and he can’t quite place his finger on it; it's the same thing with the kid. There was something about the family of two. ‘
Meanwhile, the woman begins to drag some of the bags inside. Once she’s in, she places a hand on her cocked hip and looks at her son with a look of annoyance. “That was rude, Tommy,” she states. “We’re new to the neighborhood. We should be making a good impression.” 
“Mom, can we not talk about this right now?” He sighs out. “Let’s just get our bags inside and start unpacking—“
”No, Thomas,” she protests. “I know that you are upset with me and the fact that we have to move away from home, but it wasn’t safe for us there anymore. All I’m trying to do is protect us—“
”I’m not mad about the move, Mom!” He argues back. “I’m not mad at you at all, but…” He huffs. “I get that you’re my mother, and I know that you feel like you have to protect me extra now to make up for all of those years, but I want to protect you, too,” he confesses.
His mother frowns, eyes full of sorrow. It hurt to hear how much he felt the need to do such a thing. She knew that, in reality, Tommy had lost a lot of his childhood, being hellbent on finding a way to kick his father to the curb. She knew that he was tormented by what had happened. She would never be able to even begin scratching the surface of what life was like for him growing up. 
“Tommy,” she sighs, putting a hand on his shoulder. As she looks up at him, her eyes dart over every aspect of his face. She runs a hand through his hair. “You’ve done plenty of protecting,” she tells him. “If it weren’t for you, we’d still be there with him, and I will never forgive myself for not fighting back the second that he touched you.” Her thumb brushes over a deep crater on the side of his head. The image of a large, black boot against his youthful skin flashes through her mind. “But it’s not your job, and it’s never been your job to protect you. It’s the other way around, okay? Just let me do this.” 
Tommy’s jaw clenches as he feels his mother’s hand on his scar. His head shakes in response. “I will never stop protecting you, Mom,” he tells her. “And I just… The neighbor—I saw the way you looked at him, and I just—“ 
”I get it, Tommy,” she interrupts. “I wouldn’t ever make a decision like that without considering you. No man or woman will ever step into my life like that without your approval.” She brings him into his arms, and his large frame has to hunch over just to hug her back. “He’s just the new neighbor. Nothing more.” 
Tommy nods. He wasn’t ever much of a hugger, not since he’d turned twelve. Once he’d gotten old enough to understand the dynamic of his mother and father’s relationship, she’d made an apparent effort to keep him at a distance. She’d hoped that keeping him far away would mean that Danny would leave him alone, and it had worked. He kept the promise to his mother that he wouldn’t ever step in ever again, not until he was strong enough to kick his father’s ass, of course. As a result, his father hasn’t laid a hand on him ever again since that fateful day. 
Still, it was hard. It was hard to know exactly what his mother was going through. It was even more challenging to stay silent in fear of not knowing what the result would be if things had been reported. Not being able to comfort his mother at all was a challenging task. It had also been hard to wake up with nightmares every night and crave the warm, comforting touch of his mom. 
Because of all this, hugs weren’t his forte. They felt awkward rather than comforting now, and even after years of therapy, he still didn’t know how to process comfort or any emotions other than anger, but he had to admit, this hug made him feel safe again. Maybe it was just the first step to healing what his previous therapist had called his “inner child.” Whatever it was—he liked it. 
He’s the first to pull back. “Gotta go get the rest of the bags,” he grunts, moving towards the door.
”Tom,” his mother calls out, causing him to stop and look back at her. “Thank you… I love you, baby.” 
Tommy gives her a tightlipped smile. “Love you too, Mom,” he says before walking back out the door. 
So this would be the beginning of their new lives. Tommy, his mother, and the mysterious neighbor next door. As his mother stands in the house, the sound of the sprinkling rain and the calls of blackbirds seem to drown everything else out. All she can hope for is that she’s made the right decision.
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halsteadlover · 8 months
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Under Fire
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*Gif not mine credits to the owner*
• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Paramedic!Reader.
• Requested by anon: Hey! Could you write an imagine where the reader is a paramedic and one day a person starts shooting at the ambo and Jay is called? Then he would be worried when he sees the reader there.
• Warnings: mention of sex, blood, gunshot, bad writing (yes it’s gonna be a warning from now on).
• Word count: 4289.
• A/N: this is by far one of the ugliest fics ever and honestly I’m even ashamed I posted it. It didn’t turn the way I wanted but I was too lazy and had no time to write it all again so here it is 💀 Sorry for the ppl who expected a good worried!Jay fic 😭 I’m sorry for any mistake too and of course I know all the ‘medical’ staff was probably inaccurate so pls bear with me lol
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“Baby, breakfast is ready!”.
Jay's voice muffled to your ears from the kitchen as you hurriedly got ready for work, super late. You tied your hair into a ponytail, not wanting to waste any more time trying to fix it before running to the kitchen where Jay had just set breakfast on the table.
“I'm late honey I can't eat,” you said frantically, leaning closer to him and kissing him on the lips before stealing a waffle which you popped into your mouth and began to eat as you looked for your car keys.
“Babe you can't go to work without having breakfast,” Jay retorted as he drank his cup of coffee and watched you amused.
“Yeah? And whose fault is it that I’m late?” you asked ironically “Have you seen my keys baby? Damn it… I can't find them anywhere.”
Jay chuckled and there was no need to say he found them as soon as he started to search for them. He was about to hand them to you but suddenly put his hands behind his back. “I want a kiss first.”
You giggled like a little girl and placed your free hand on his face, kissing him passionately, as if it was the first time you'd seen him in ages. No matter how much time passed, Jay managed to have on you the same effect as the first day, and for a moment, lost in your senses, you almost forgot you had to run away to work.
“Mmmh,” he murmured into the kiss, intensifying it as his arm went around your waist, pressing your body further against his.
“Stop…” you muttered between kisses as you giggled “No,” one kiss “That’s not…” another kiss “Fair…” and yet another one. “You’ve already made me late this morning.”
“Baby it's not my fault you're so stunning. You know I can't keep my hands to myself,” he kept kissing you, taking the opportunity to shamelessly squeeze your ass. “You were naked in our bed, you really expected me not to fuck the shit out of you?”.
“Stop, you're making me hot again,” you placed your hands on his chest to push him away, receiving a frown from him. In a moment of distraction you grabbed the keys from his hand and took your bag, before giving him one last sweet kiss and go to the door “See you tonight baby, I love you. Be careful okay?”.
“I love you too princess, text me when you can and be careful too. Don't you even dare come back with even a scratch!”.
But unfortunately, things don’t always go the way we want them to.
Your morning was going well, you were on shift with Sylvie who wasted no time teasing you, between calls, about being late that morning.
“If you're jealous because I'm having hot sex and you're not, just say it blondie,” you retorted laughing, getting from your co-worker a little slap on the back of your head as she kept her eyes on the road while driving the ambo.
“You’re really a bitch you know that? Of course I'm jealous! Do you know how long it's been since I've been with someone? I don't even know what a penis looks like anymore.”
You giggled. “If after every shift you literally fly home to go to sleep, don't complain if you can't find anyone. You need to go out Sylvie, Molly's is always crowded, you'll find someone who can't wait to rail you.”
She burst out laughing. “Rail me? Where did this come from?”.
“I mean… You know… I didn't know the meaning of these words before I met my boyfriend…” you answered and Sylvie let out a fake gag while you dreamily recalled your intense sexual life with Jay.
“You are disgusting,” the blonde replied even though she laughed. Before she could add anything though, there was a call of a shooting with victim and the joyful and playful air disappeared almost instantly.
You were about to text Jay, updating him on the progress of your shift but you mentally cursed as you noticed your cell phone was dead and that’s when you remembered you didn't charge it last night.
You put it back in your pocket, mental noting you’d charge it as soon as you got back to the station.
When you and Sylvie arrived with sirens blaring at the scene where the shooting had taken place, you couldn't help but notice the amount of people there looking on curiously and trying to figure out what was going on. That neighborhood was not the most idyllic and safe, given the unfortunate presence of criminals and drug addicts, and you mentally prayed you could finish as soon as possible since you didn't feel at all calm in that place.
A man in his fifties came running towards you, cell phone in hand and a terrified expression on his face.
“What happened sir? Where’s the victim?” Sylvie asked as you fetched the first aid kit bags.
“This way. There's been a shooting… There's a young man… I don't know if he's still alive.”
The man pointed to a person lying on the ground, immersed in his own blood and at a rough guess he didn't seem to be more than 16 years old. He was just a little boy.
“We'll take care of it from now sir. Thank you for calling us. Now go back in your house and stay safe,” you said and he nodded before storming off and locking himself inside his house along with his family.
You put on your gloves and leaned over the victim. You checked his carotid pulse and breathing. “He’s breathing and there is still a pulse. But it's too weak.”
Sylvie lifted the victim's shirt, revealing the shotgun at stomach level, and spun him on his side for a moment. “There is an exit wound.”
“I'm putting an IV,” you stated before taking the necessary kit while Sylvie controlled the bleeding by dabbing the wound with clean gauze which was soaked in blood in no time. After placing the tourniquet, it was difficult to find an accessible vein due to the copious blood loss but eventually you succeeded.
As you continued to do everything in your power to keep the still unconscious patient alive, you didn't realize all passers-by had left and that a suspicious car was approaching until the sound of a shot broke the silence.
Your heart stopped for an instant.
It all happened so fast and in just few seconds that you didn't even realize what was happening.
It was all so fast but so slow at the same time.
Everything seemed to stop around you, the world started spinning fast and slow at the same time which you didn't even believe was possible. The seconds seemed to have turned into minutes, hours, and in you kept wondering when it would end.
You and Sylvie threw yourselves to cover the victim, but not before a bullet went through your arm causing you to scream in pain. “Fuck!” you exclaimed as an excruciating pain made you bend to the ground for an instant.
“Y/N! Oh my god!” exclaimed Sylvie, rushing towards you regardless of the danger. Your hand covered your wound from where blood gushed and you tried to take a few breaths to try to regain control of yourself. You hadn't been shot at before by now, but damn it hurt like hell.
“I'm fine,” you murmured and when you opened your eyes you saw a woman lying on the ground not far from you. “Shit… Sylvie, go to that woman…”
Sylvie glanced between you and the poor woman lying on the asphalt, not sure what to do. “I am fine. Go! I'll take care of it here!”.
She nodded and grabbed a first aid bag before running to the woman, leaving you with the still unconscious victim. You checked him to make sure he wasn't hit and breathed a sigh of relief when you saw he wasn't.
You called for help on your radio before getting up with no small effort, dragging the victim behind a car, thus keeping you sheltered.
Your heart was pounding and you didn't know what to do, the fear they'd come back to kill you paralyzed you. You leaned against the car, bringing your eyes to the wound on your arm and noticing you were losing more blood than you would’ve expected.
“Shit,” you winched in pain even if the adrenaline rushed through your veins. You decided not to think about it and just treat the patient until help arrived, after all you weren't going to die from a shot in an arm.
You got up from the car and approached the patient, noticing the movement of his chest was no longer regular and that he was struggling to breathe. You took your stethoscope and listened to his chest, hearing crackles and a muffled sound in the right lung.
“Damn it,” you whispered to yourself, taking deep breaths as the pain became more intense and trying to focus solely on the victim and not on the excruciating pain you were feeling. The victim had a pneumothorax and you knew if you didn't treat it right away, you ran the risk of losing him before help even arrived.
You took all the kit needed to aspirate the air from his lung but your hand was shaking too much to be able to proceed. “Come on. You can do it,” you kept telling yourself and breathing deeply. With no little effort you managed to make a small incision and insert the small catheter to allow the air to escape. You listened to his lungs again after a bit with the stethoscope and breathed a sigh of relief when you realized the pulmonary sound was good and he was breathing properly. You fixed the catheter to his chest with a plaster and continued to treat the wound on the abdomen.
He was losing too much blood and if he hadn't gone to the hospital immediately he would’ve died there in front of you.
Your forehead was drenched in sweat, your arms and body were giving up as you noticed in the distance Sylvie giving a CPR to the woman who had presumably also been shot.
You heard the sound of sirens of the police and of another ambulance in the distance and for the first time in the last half hour your heart started properly beating again.
Jay, meanwhile, didn't have a clue what was going on, that you'd been shot, rushed to the hospital, or he’d completely lose his mind.
His day, unlike yours, was going on normally and no new cases had turned up so he spent the morning sorting through paperwork and old reports that were still incomplete.
He checked his cell phone to see if you'd answered him but still nothing. The last time he knew about you was when he saw you walk out the door of the apartment you shared and he couldn't stop the veil of anxiety that had passed through him. He knew he was exaggerating, as you were most likely having a busy morning and for this reason you hadn’t reached out to him.
He tried to keep his mind at bay, to stay calm and tell himself everything would be fine, that you were okay and he’d hear from you soon.
But when he saw Sylvie's name on the screen as his cell phone rang, he knew immediately that something wasn’t right and the slight feeling of anxiety was replaced by a real vice in his stomach.
“Sylvie? What happened? Is my girlfriend okay?” he asked as soon as he answered the call, without even giving her time to say anything. He knew something was up and didn’t want to waist time.
“Jay…” she breathed out, her voice clearly shaking but Jay couldn't care less.
“Sylvie tell me immediately what the hell happened. Where’s Y/N? Is she okay?” he ordered in a harsh and hostile tone, more than he ever wanted to.
“We are at Med's and…”
That was all it took for him to go crazy and not understand anything anymore.
Before she could finish her sentence he had already hung up the phone and, without even notifying his boss, he exited the unit at lightning speed, under the gaze of his worried and astonished teammates.
His mind kept repeating the last words spoken by Sylvie and never as in that moment did he feel like the world completely collapsed on him. He hadn't even asked what happened, whether you were okay or not, and as he drove like a madman through the streets of Chicago, he kept praying, praying and praying.
“God please let her be okay,” he kept muttering to himself, his heart pounding so hard in his chest he felt like it was going to stop at any moment. He tried to call you several times but each time it directed him to your voicemail. “Fuck!” he had exclaimed hitting the steering wheel in frustration and after throwing the cell phone on the passenger seat, without caring whether it broke or not.
You had to be okay, it couldn't have been otherwise. You had to be okay because you had to spend the rest of your life with him, he had to marry you, start a family with you, raise your children, maybe have pets, and to do that you had to feel good.
Jay knew that your job, as well as his, could be dangerous, but that didn't make the anxiety any less oppressive, the fear of losing you any less crippling.
It might seem like an exaggeration but he couldn't live without you, he couldn't imagine a life in which you weren't there, he couldn't imagine coming home and not finding you there preparing dinner with so much care and love, he couldn't imagine coming home and not finding you walking barefoot, the music blasting while you danced and sang as you cleaned the house, he couldn't imagine waking up in the morning and not feeling your body against his, the scent of your hair entering his nostrils, your arms holding him preventing him from getting up to go to work when you weren't on shift.
“No, no, no, no, no,” he babbled not wanting to even think about this possibility as he darted through the streets without even bothering to stop at red lights and risking causing accidents at least a couple of times.
When he got to the hospital he immediately ran towards the nurses' station, failing even to realize that Maggie was already talking to a patient.
“Maggie where is Y/N? Is she fine?” he asked frantically getting a glare from the gentleman who was previously talking to Maggie. She shot an apologetic look at the man and nodded to the room you were in before giving her attention back to the patient.
Jay ran towards the room and without even thinking twice pulled the curtain away, an expression of pure fear and concern on his face. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw you were lying on the crib, alive.
“Jay!” you exclaimed, not expecting to find your boyfriend in front of you in the hospital, lifting yourself up as if to reach him.
“Y/N stay still,” Connor admonished you, who was tending your wound.
“Oh thank God,” Jay finally managed to calm down and finally breathe again. He walked over to you and gently grabbed your face with his still trembling hands, leaving a kiss on your forehead. It lasted longer than it should’ve but Jay didn't care, he just wanted to savor the moment, smell the scent of your hair, your skin, and realize you were really there in front of him, that you hadn't left him.
“Halstead, you shouldn't be here,” Connor commented without looking up from the bullet hole in your arm.
“Shut up Rhodes, just focus about treating her,” Jay retorted and the serious tone in which he said it caused both you and Connor to chuckle but as soon as you looked at him you stopped immediately, noticing the expression of pain and concern with which he was looking at you.
“What happened baby? My God…” he stroked your face, your hair, “Why didn't you call me? What did they do to you?”. His eyes moved from your features to your arm and he immediately knew it was a bullet hole. He had assumed that you’d been pushed, maybe fallen somewhere, but he hadn't thought it was a shot at all.
Anxiety and worry were quickly replaced by anger and rage and in that precise moment he promised himself he’d make the bastard who had done this to you, who had dared to hurt you, pay.
“I told Sylvie not to call you…” you started talking, not answering Jay's questions but he cut you off, “Y/N please… I'm mad enough you didn't call me and I had to hear from your colleague you ended up in the hospital, don’t even think about making jokes right now.”
“Sorry Jay, it's just… You were at work and I didn't want to worry you. I'm fine as you can see and Connor will fix me.”
“You're not fine,” Connor intervened, glancing at you before continuing to treat the wound “If you hadn't continued to treat the victim your arm wouldn't be in so bad shape, the bullet had gone too deep. But luckily I'm very good at my job.”
If looks could kill, you should’ve been petrified after Jay's glare.
“Connor, you really don't know when to shut your mouth, do you?”.
“Y/N,” Jay spoke up “I'm not playing and I'm about to lose my mind. Tell me what the hell happened.”
You sighed, looking down at your belly as you recalled those moments of terror that seemed to have happened not long ago but at the same time, so long ago.
Jay noticed the way your free hand was shaking slightly and he felt guilty for raising his voice after the traumatic event you had suffered earlier that morning. “Sorry baby,” he said, caressing your cheeks and then giving you another soft kiss on your forehead. He held you as best he could, your head level with his stomach as he continued to stroke your hair, your cheeks, trying to calm you down. It was his way of saying he was there, that you were safe and never like then did you mentally thank Sylvie for calling him.
“It’s okay, I’m here now. Everything will be okay baby.”
God only knew how terrified you were, how afraid you were of dying, never seeing the love of your life again, never hugging him again and feeling him holding you, cradling and caressing you… Shit, this was one of the best feelings you ever had the pleasure of trying in your life.
You kept thinking over and over of those scary moments, the sound of those gunshots you knew would echo in your mind for far too long. No manual, no course would’ve ever prepared you for all this, you knew that being a paramedic would’ve taken you to places where danger was around the corner, but the adrenaline, the fear, that terror… No one would’ve ever been able to preparing for this.
You didn't even realize Connor had finished bandaging your wound until you saw with the corner of your eye he was getting up and collecting all the dirty gauze and other tools he had used. “I can't stress enough about the fact you don't have to exert yourself. You have to rest for at least a week, after that you can do some office work, but no work on the field until you’ll be able to move your arm.”
“Trust me she won’t. Thanks Rhodes,” Jay replied and Connor gave him a smile, then patted him on the shoulder with an ungloved hand.
“I'll leave you two alone.”
You tried to move you arm a bit but it was still numb from the local anesthetic. Jay sat on the edge of the bed, taking your free hand and intertwining his fingers with yours as his thumb stroked your back.
“You made me worry to death you know? I think I've died and risen a thousand times in the last hour.” He was the one who spoke first, but his tone was soft and reassuring. His free hand stroked your face, tucking a strand of hair that had escaped your ponytail, behind your ear.
“I'm so sorry Jay,” you mumbled back, feeling awfully guilty to see him like this, features contracted up with concern, eyes shining.
“You don't have to apologize, I'm just so happy you're okay,” he hugged you and you returned that hug, with your free arm. “God Y/N, I wouldn't have known what to do without you. I've never been so scared as today...” he kept talking “Don't ever do this to me again.”
“I was so scared Jay… I…” you stammered, trying to swallow the lump in your throat “I thought I'd never see you again…”
“Shh, it's okay. I'm here now and you're safe, I won't let anyone hurt you anymore,” he tried to calm you down even if he was feeling a storm inside. He was angry, furious, because he wasn't there to protect you, because if he had the person responsible in his hands he would’ve killed them with his bare hands, because he hated seeing you like that, scared, trembling in his arms. And he wanted to cry, cry so hard, because the fear he'd had of losing you was paralyzing.
Jay had never been in a situation where he’d even think you weren't next to him. To him it was like you were a superhero, immortal, that one way or another you'd always come back to him and he had taking all of this for granted. Reality had hit him full blown and left him breathless, making him lose the ground under his feet, the world collapsing around him and made him understand it wasn't like this, that fate was sometimes a bastard and that only event made him realize how important you were to him. Maybe even more than he could have ever imagined.
How much he loved you, for goodness sake, it was overwhelming. You were his whole world, and however absurd, ridiculous, cheesy, or over the top that might seem, Jay really couldn't live without you. It was a phrase he had told you so many times but in that particular absurd event it took on an even deeper and more real meaning and he really, really couldn't exist in a world where you weren't by his side.
And he didn't care how cheesy any of that sounded, it was the plain, simple, unequivocal truth.
“Baby you're choking me,” you muttered as he began to hold you so tight it literally blocked your breath. Your voice brought him back to reality, “Shit. Sorry, baby I didn't realize it,” he said giving you a kiss on the lips and you smiled at him, “It's okay.”
“Are you okay? Do you need something?”.
You shook your head, your lids suddenly feeling heavy. “No, just some rest.”
Jay smiled sweetly, looking at you with so much love and affection. “I know baby, I know. As soon as they prepare the discharge documents, I'll take you home and you can rest as long as you want.”
You nodded and the tender expression on your face made his heart explode. Had he already said how much he fucking loved you? “You'll stay with me right? I need you.”
“Do you really think I would’ve left you alone knowing what you've been through? I'll take the rest of the day off and, since I have a lot of accumulated vacation days, I’ll take the next few weeks as well.”
You smiled faintly. You didn’t want him to not go to work and felt selfish but God, you needed him so badly so you didn’t even complain. “Thank you love.”
“Do you feel like telling me what happened?” Jay asked, now impatient. You told him everything from how you were treating the victim, to the shooting and until help arrived. It goes without saying how furious Jay was when you finished speaking and how he looked ready to smash something against the walls.
“It's over baby, I'm really fine now, luckily they hit me on the arm and not elsewhere where it could’ve been so much worse. I'll get better soon, you know how these things go,” you tried to reassure him, placing your hand on his face and stroking his skin, a gesture that made him relax a little. “Please don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad Y/N, I’m furious. You are the most precious thing in my life and I’d kill anyone for even touch a strand of your hair in the wrong way. Knowing you were there alone, that you couldn't defend yourself, someone dared to hurt you… I can’t even explain the rage I’m feeling right now,” he replied, the tone of low voice as your words kept echoing in his mind. “I'm so sorry my baby,” he caressed your face “My precious princess. I’m so sorry for not being there and failing to protect you. It shouldn't have happened, especially not to you. If something…”
“No love no,” you interrupted him, not letting him finish that sentence “Let's not think about that. I'm here now, you're here with me and that's all that matters, okay?”.
“I know, I know,” he replied. But they’ll still have to pay for what they did to you.
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throwaway-yandere · 2 months
Note
Ansy maybe I can send an idea about this. Maybe this yandere is turning into a zombie/monster, Reader sacrifices or willingly let's the yandere eat reader so the yandere wouldn't hurt others. Other idea, Yandere is a monster/cannibal and reader has a flesh that is very addicting to eat so yandere feels guilty for eating their darling but can't as darling tastes so delicious.
A/n: I'm actually currently writing the prompt I got earlier so here's some short ideas. also, what's up with me writing cannibalism fics for two older brothers with blue-white color schemes?? *shrug*. I'll go with the 2nd idea-ish (I'll tweak it again) in this one. First time doing headcanons so... I'll adios lol.
Content Tags: hello its yandere cannibalism lmao + Whodunit spoilers
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YANDERE CANNIBAL!SUNDAY who strangely takes too long to respond to his childhood friend's messages. You're starting to get worried that he's spending too much time inside the dreamscape. Although your race greatly differs from his- being an ordinary human resident and all- you heard numerous stories that Halovians tend to carnally seek glamorous feasts after hosting series of events.
YANDERE CANNIBAL!SUNDAY who finally replied to your recent message, telling you "DON'T COME, PLEASE." with bold capital letters. You can only raise an eyebrow, considering you're already on his front door with a fruit basket at hand. In hindsight, perhaps you should've considered giving him a heads-up beforehand instead of rudely announcing your visit. But you are genuinely worried for his overall wellbeing, especially given what happened to his sister.
And perhaps, you were also just looking for someone who could understand your grief as well. He wasn't the only one stripped of their family so suddenly. The thought of your friend starving himself had pushed your own sadness away in favor of sheer platonic worry. That was how strong your bond was.
YANDERE CANNIBAL!SUNDAY who shook, mortified at the knocks on his front door. As much as possible, he can't let you in. The current nightmare he calls "HUNGER" was an unforgiving beast. He leaned against the other side of the closed door, breathing heavily.
"(Y/n), n-now is not the time for a visit! Forgive me for this crudeness, but I shan't open the door at present." You hear him inhale shakily. "To have you see me like this undermines all the work I've put in our... friendship."
You sighed. "Alright, I'm sorry. But... can I please just leave this on your porch?"
"... I will not bar you from doing so..."
"Thank you."
YANDERE CANNIBAL!SUNDAY whose hands refused to stop trembling. You're so close. He can almost taste you behind that door. A chill runs down his spine as he noticed just how much his mouth was watering at the thought of taking a bite.
YANDERE CANNIBAL!SUNDAY who thought himself most detestable for his cravings. The Odes of Harmony preaches honesty among its many virtues, and he would drown himself for omitting the grim truth from you. THEY will not be happy with this relapse of his.
YANDERE CANNIBAL!SUNDAY who bit his thumb, drawing blood. THEY wouldn't endorse this behavior from a representative of the Family.
YANDERE CANNIBAL!SUNDAY who looked at his bleeding finger and laughed sorrowfully at the lingering question on his mind.
Whose blood was it? His... or THEIRS?
Sunday could never be at ease after committing this crime. A Halovian like himself would never allow their vision to be clouded in red, and it appears the devil had saw an opportunity to hurl at two birds with one stone. But that would be an inaccurate way to describe it. His wings had not been clipped; he had brutally torn it away himself.
Penacony's most shrewd man lied to the arrogant fool that evening. There were four murders in that timeframe. One was a stowaway, the other was his precious sister, and the last pair was both your father and mother.
THEIR vision of a happy future for you did not welcome HIM.
All he recalls now was their polite disapproval turned screams when he made an attempt to ask for their blessing. Sunday only realized what he had done the moment he had sunk his teeth down your mother's arm, noticing how your father was already but boney remains of himself.
This Halovian ancestry's secret... it served him no good.
Why was he born into this race and why wasn't he raised just like you?
"Watchmaker... How can I ever forgive myself for this...?"
How can he dare proclaim to mete out justice when he deserves to be served the same sentence? "Sunday" himself is a transgressor, unworthy of yielding Harmony's name.
What heathen he was, to partake in flesh and blood that was not for his stomach simply because they both smelled just like you. What heretic he was, to place anger and hunger above his better judgement.
What karma it was, to find out his sister has been killed in his moments of guilt.
What retribution it was, to face that what he had done to others, will be done unto him.
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wordstome · 3 months
Text
the very first night (ntwdt pt 2)
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tell me that you hate it hate that i'm no longer in your reach if i can't hear you say it maybe you can't change it, but if you never if you never put it on the line how am i gonna sign for it?
alpha colonel König x beta ex-lover reader
2nd person, no y/n, she/her pronouns, reader's callsign is Eden, reader speaks French, omegaverse, exes to lovers, fraternization, fantasy version of military protocol, probable incorrect use of "copy"
2.2k words
tw: mentions of dead bodies and vague violence, dirty talk, könig is in rut but no actual sex happens, mention of grinding
Do you guys still even remember this au??? 😅 I'm back to writing this fic with this specific format just like the last time I had bad writer's block. I'm sorry that I basically made you guys take a poll and then immediately disregarded the results :( metalhead König is going to be the next one published, and then kosovo maiden. Anyway, this is less of a foray into the omegaverse as it is into exploring a married couple's dynamic. Forgive me if it's inaccurate, I've never been married. (Several of the people who will probably read this are married so...I might be really embarrassing myself here lol)
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“Two on your six, O’Conor.”
König watches as his colleague takes down his pursuants with practiced ease. “Good to have someone watching over me, Eden.” the man roughs into his comms.
“It was my pleasure, Declan.”
“Can you two keep the flirting off the main comms?” Fender huffs. König hears O’Conor snort before the line goes quiet.
“Steady,” Horangi says next to him.
“What?” König says.
“You’re breathing like an angry bull. It’s unnerving.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s obvious you’re mad O’Conor’s flirting with your ex-wife.”
“She’s not—“ König lets out a sigh of defeat and tips his head away from the scope. “She can do whatever she wants. I’m not her keeper.”
“Right, which is why you’re white-knuckling your rifle and giving off the most furious pheromones I've ever felt."
König gives his friend a deadly side eye. “Can I help you?”
“Nah. Just confirming what I already know”, Horangi answers, unbearably smug.
König rolls his eyes and returns to the task at hand.
The two of you avoid each other, mostly.
When you’re forced to interact, it's with stiff professionalism. Cold and distant. The way it was when it was really, really bad.
You spend your time becoming closer to the other operators. O'Conor, for one, is someone you find yourself growing close to. In your line of work, it's usually not a good idea to get too attached to someone who may not see the next day, but it's part of your job to know these people now.
They're so competent that you can ignore the obvious, anyway.
König's always been competent, but watching him work nowadays is strange, like watching a remake of a nostalgic childhood film.
His movements are the same. He flicks his wrist the same way, with a heartbeat's worth of pause before the movement. Him taking cover, leaning with that awful posture you always got on his case about.
But everything about him is more ruthless, more efficient. The unrefined brutality of his youth is replaced with a honed precision that is foreign to you.
It stings, though you know the feeling has no right to exist.
You can't keep yourself from reminiscing about the past, when everything about him was familiar. When you knew him so well, it was enough to save both your lives.
"We've lost comms with König."
Your heart drops into your throat. You've been on several ops with him at this point, but this has never happened before.
"What do you mean you've lost comms?"
"He's not responding."
"What?" Fear grips your heart at everything that implies.
"He's in your building, Eden. Find him and extract. Copy."
You move slowly, like ice is flowing through your veins. "Copy."
You will yourself to calm down. Lost communications doesn't mean anything but lost communications. Panicking that you're going to encounter his body will only ensure you end up as a corpse as well. Besides, who could ever take down a man like that, tall like a giant and quick like a viper as he is?
If you had lost comms, what would you do? Re-establish them, of course. Pick your way out of the building and do everything in your power to reconnect with your team. From where König entered, he'd be exiting the building on the east side. You turn to head that way, then hesitate.
König's not you, though. He's not like any other member of the team. Proud, arrogant, vicious König, far more so than other alphas. You used to be afraid of him while he was at work, but eventually you came to realize that was simply how he was in his element—a different persona he wore to battle. As much as you wished he would be sensible and take the safe route, König would never take the safe route. He'd be carrying on the mission on his own, moving towards the target at the center of the building.
But he's a professional. No matter how good he is at what he does, he's not a one-man army, and he knows the right thing to do would be to extract. It's a gamble. If you head towards the east exit and he's not there, you could be losing precious time to find him. But if you head towards the center, you could be walking right into a fight you can't win and become overwhelmed.
You let out a shaky breath and attempt to calm your mind. What would he do? What is he thinking? If you make the wrong call, if you don't know your lover as well as you think you do, one of you won't be walking out of here. You close your eyes and think.
You open them with newfound determination and turn towards the center of the building.
You'd been right, of course, judging by the fallen enemies you find as you move through the hallways. But you don't allow yourself to feel sure until the moment you lay eyes on him, securing the target—a hard drive containing sensitive information.
"König!" you hiss, just as he whips towards you, gun drawn. He relaxes when he sees it's only you. Despite the fraught situation you're in, you can't help yourself from dashing towards him and burying your face into his chest in a hug.
"Eden," he says, his relief evident.
"You stupid motherfucker," you hiss. "You should have extracted the moment your comms cut out."
His eyes crinkle up behind his mask the way they always do when he smiles. "You knew I wouldn't."
"Yes, because I am burdened with being one of the few people on this earth who knows you like the back of my hand. Atlas holding up the sky," you grumble.
"I know you're relieved to see me," he responds, joy evident in his tone.
You let out a sigh. "Can we just get out of here?"
"Aye-aye, captain."
You could do without those memories, you think whenever the two of you trade clipped exchanges during ops now.
König still has traces of the arrogance of his youth, but it shows through less now. He's wiser, more patient and far less reckless.
You catch yourself admiring how good of a leader he's become. His connection with his teammates is like muscles flexing a hand.
You're no longer a part of that nervous system.
In fact, he's always catching you off guard now.
The energy in the common area is weird today.
You can’t quite put your finger on it. It’s like everyone’s walking on eggshells, but at the same time, nobody’s mood seems to be that affected. It’s like you’re all mice living in someone’s walls: going about business as usual, but with some looming threat casting a pall over everything.
“Is it just me or does the energy on base feel off today?” you ask Calisto.
“Oh. Yeah, that. Don’t worry about it,” she says. She swings open the refrigerator and pulls out coffee creamer. “No need for concern. König’s in rut.”
You do a double take. “He is?”
“Yeah.” She’s casual about it as she dumps cream and sugar into her coffee. “Usually he has a pretty light rut—he just gets testy and irritated. But for some reason this time is bad.” She offers you the cream, but you shake your head. “Don’t know what’s up with him, but he had to barricade himself in his room. His scent is driving people up the wall.”
You stare at the table in front of you. It can’t be a coincidence that König’s rut gets worse as soon as you’re near him again, can it?
When you look up, Horangi is staring at you from across the room. Slowly, he raises his mug to his lips, never once taking his eyes off of you.
You swallow the lump in your throat.
Calisto was right. The scent is overwhelming, but it's also familiar. You can't blame the others for avoiding the area. If you'd never dealt with him in this state before, you'd be hightailing it out of there too. Which is why you're doing this despite...everything.
You hover outside his door, trying to gather yourself, or work up the nerve to knock, or anything. It doesn’t matter in the end, though.
“I can smell you, liebling,” comes his voice, deep and growling and verging on feral. A shiver runs up your spine. You haven’t been called that in a long, long time.
“I only came here to bring you things. Water and…snacks.” you stammer, instantly hating yourself for how weak you sound.
“All these years later…and you still smell the same.” He blows right past your feeble little excuse, not even dignifying it with a response.
“I’m just here to check on you,” you murmur.
“Is that so.” You gasp as you hear a loud thud against the door from the other side. Oh God, it’s him, his body heat almost burning through the wood, pressed so close that you can hear his heaving breaths. “How kind of you.”
“It’s the least I can do, considering…”
“Considering it’s your fault I’m like this in the first place?”
Your legs feel weak. “Yes.”
His voice is silky, dangerous despite the barely restrained lust behind it. “Good girl.”
“That’s not fair,” you whisper.
“That’s a shame. You used to like it when I called you that. Still do, according to my nose.”
You wish he wasn’t right, but he is. You’re so slick that you’re soaking your underwear.
“Do you want the water or not?”
“Are you going to come with it?”
“I—”
“Because I promise you, if you’re still standing there when I open this door, you will get fucked against it.” He sounds like a savage animal snapping his jaws in hunger, and fuck, your body feels hot and weak in response. Every cell in your body is screaming out for you to throw open that door and let him fuck you limp. If you told him to break down the door, you’re sure that he would.
“You can’t say that anymore,” you whisper, hating the words as they leave you.
That seems to bring König back to rationality. You can picture him now on the other side of the door, shoulders slumping as he withdraws back into himself. "I...I'm sorry."
You slide down to sit on the ground with your back to the door, gripping a water bottle in a clenched fist. "It's like no time has passed at all, huh?"
You hear him let out a shaky breath, clearly trying to collect himself and bite back words he can't say. "Yeah."
That's the thing, isn't it? Your biology and his got the two of you into this situation in the first place. Very little of that has changed. Even though you've grown distanced in your minds, your bodies haven't forgotten the connection.
You're still struggling with how to feel about that. So much of your life has been dictated by what your body needs and wants. You've spent just as much time bucking against those needs and wants, so much that it feels like second nature.
"All of this...it takes me back. Do you remember the first night I spent with you during a rut?" you say. For a while you don't think he's heard you, but then he responds.
"How could I forget? It's my most embarrassing memory."
"Still?"
"I swore I would never let something like that happen again."
You giggle a little. "It was cute, for what it's worth." That first time, you'd come prepared with water and food, just like you had tonight, prepared for a long night full of...strenuous exercise. Instead, König had gotten so overwhelmed at his first rut with a partner that he came by just grinding on your leg and immediately fell into a 12-hour sleep.
"Yeah, you've said that. Doesn't make me cringe any less."
"And I'll say it again, it wasn't as bad as you think it is." You idly trace the cap of the water bottle with a fingertip. "There's no shame between us."
Another long pause before he responds. "Was."
A dull, throbbing pain nestles itself below your sternum.
"It...doesn't have to be past tense," you put forth tentatively.
"Doesn't it? We've gone right back to being strangers. You're still on the other side of the door."
You bite your lip. You can't deny that, nor the distance that's grown between the two of you.
This is all happening too fast. You don't know if you want to close the gap. You don't know if you're ready to make amends, after what happened.
"You're in no condition to have this conversation," you say, to distract both him and yourself.
"Conversation with you is hard to come by nowadays."
"Well...let's change that. Starting when your rut's over. Let's try talking like normal people again." This time, you don't know if you can blame your stupid biology for the relief you feel saying that. Maybe this time it's nothing but you and your treacherous heart.
You hear a thump against the door, but not an aggressive one. More like he's leaned his head against it. "I guess we have to start somewhere."
More silence. Then he speaks again, his voice tremulous.
"Can you stay? It's easier when you're here."
You swallow, your mouth gone dry like a desert. You can barely manage your next two words. "Of course."
The rest of the night is quiet, but you know he's there. At one point, you can even hear his steady, even breathing. Somewhere along the way, you notice that your breathing has synced with his.
The two of you fall asleep like that, propped up next to each other with a single layer of wood between you.
I miss you like it was the very first night...
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I only revised this once while exhausted out of my fucking mind at 3am, so forgive me if anything's awkward or clunky. I'll probably go through it again in the morning (and die of cringe). But there we go! I hope you guys enjoy. As always, I would love to see your thoughts and comments <3
Regarding my tag lists: I've had to leave out a few people, so if you see your url missing from this, please let me know and I'll add you back. Also, apologies if you're here despite not asking to be tagged for this particular story. I haven't gotten around to sorting out fic-specific taglists yet 🥲
@kneelingshadowsalome @danibee33 @crowbird @poohkie90 @cumikering @iytatsworld @papaver-decervicatus @anxietyrain @cookiepie111 @no1runawaymilkdad @chthonian-spectre @backwards-readings @yxllowtxpe @hexqueensupreme @violetstyless @her-majesty-theking @vegan-peppermint @peonytarian @ghostslittlegf @deaddainish @teehee-47 @catluvwr @keiva1000 @waves-against-a-cliff @channelsoph @cutiecusp @itsagrimm @dins-riduur-anthe @mantishymns @lexuria @complexivelovely @black-moon-bunny @kit-williams @shebibtedmypepnis @mafer383
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corruptthehumans · 4 months
Text
Every inch of you
Pariring: ( COMIC ) Steven Grant, Marc Spector, Jake Lockley x Afab reader
Summary; You're driving back home after having your honey moon with Marc and your family is waiting back at home for your arrival but none of Marc's alters seem to want to take their hands off you.
Warning: This is just pure smut, its just straight up porn. Inaccurate depictions of DID, unprotected piv ( don't try this at home) dacryphilla, spanking, car sex, Jake being mean to the reader, several orgasms, cream pie, MDNI!!
Notes: Finding comic Jake Lockley or Steven Grant smut is like rare so i decided i would step up and make this. They're based on their characters in the comics, so Steven isn't british and Jake doesn't speak Spanish here, ( because he doesn't speak Spanish in comics and it's just easier on me bc I don't speak the language and don't want to offend fluent speakers) sorry mcu fans lol. ENJOY!
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" S-Steven I'm almost there.. " You moaned out to your lover, grinding yourself against him in the driver's seat of his black Tesla. He watched you move against him pathetically, smiling at you devilishly.
" Go ahead, babe. But the boys say they want turns with you. " He rested one hand on your hip, his other right in between your bodies, his thumb rolling around your clit.
The thought of Steven switching to Marc or even worse, Jake, was horrific. Marc wasn't as bad as Jake but every time Jake had the chance to get inside you, he tore you apart like a piece of paper.
You buried your face Into the crook of Stevens neck, breathing in his minty scent and moaning chants of his name. He ran a hand down your back and started grinding into you at a steady rhythm.
" Dont let Jake be too rough with me, " you panted in his ear. He hummed In response, increasing his speed and finally hitting your sweet spot. Your face contorted in pure bliss and your lips let out a choir of endless pants and moans.
" I can't make promises i cant keep, princess. " he chuckled, kissing your shoulder and breathing into your skin.You bit your lip and let out an orgasmic moan, feeling him getting just to the right spot.
" Oh, f-fuck. R-right there, Steven! " You cried out, digging your nails into his shoulders for dear life as he hit that same spot repeatedly, never changing his rhythm.
" Like that? " He asked, his usual gravelly voice changing to Marc's clear voice, letting you know he switched. All you could do was whimper and nod in response, to which he took well, pulling his hips back before thursting forward into your heat.
The windows in Steven's Tesla were fogging up, the inside of the car becoming hot with both of your ragged breathing. There wasn't anyone around in the empty parking lot he had parked in, the gas station nearby was completely closed and it was in the middle of no where, basically. All four of you knew you had to get back home soon and that your family was waiting for you, but Steven just couldn't resist you in that dress. Plus, you had just gotten back from your honey moon with them.He could just tell everyone you ran into bad traffic, right?
" Oh, Marc... so good. So, so good. " You moaned, craning your head back and grabbing onto the steering wheel from behind you. You sunk your bottom lip into your mouth as you felt waves of pleasure overtaking you, his cock buried into the deepest parts of you and his thumb still rubbing circles around your sensitive bud.
With one last long moan from your lips and one last thrust of his hips, you came undone all over him finally, your body quivering.
" Good girl, making a pretty little mess around me.. Oh, look at you." Marc cooed, swiping a drop of your milky white come off his shaft and licking it with his thumb. He leaned in and gave you a soft peck on your lips before you fell limp over his body.
" We should get going, baby. " You took a glance at the infotainment system and saw the same read 12:38 AM. A low groans errupted from Marc's chest and he pinched your thighs, making you yelp in surprise.
" But I'm not done with you. " He murmured against your ear, his voice deeper and more commanding than usual. You had forgotten about him.
" Go to the back. " Jake said, raising his big hand and giving your ass a slap. Those simple four words were enough to make you shake, especially hearing it from him.
" but it's getting late--"
" I won't repeat myself. " He snarled, slapping your ass again, this time harder. You quickly obliged, giving up your fight because you knew he was never going to agree. You climbed into the soft, black seats and layed down for him, allowing him to crawl on top of you. You automatically wrapped your legs around his waist, welcoming him back into your slick entrance and letting him capture your lips again.
" You have to do a better job at listening to me, princess. " He whispered harshly in your ear, rolling his hips against yours slowly, taking full advantage of your wetness. You averted your gaze from his intense eyes scanning your body. Your bottom lip trembled, knowing this would only be the beginning.
Jake grabbed your neck and forced your gaze back on him.
" okay? And you look at me when I fuck you, understand? " He hissed and gave your cheek a smack, his thrusts becoming faster amd harsher. His eyes glittered dangerously and you gulped, nodding quickly, your hands clutching the sides of the seat tightly.
" Y--yes, Jake. " you whimpered, barley even able to speak or look at him straight. A low hum came up his throat and he smirked.
" Good girl, so good for me. " he purred, his voice laced with dominance and desire. The intensity in his eyes sent shivers down your spine as he slammed his hips against yours, the force reverberating through your body. Your breath hitched at the sudden impact, the pleasure intermingling with a hint of pain, driving you to the edge of ecstasy. He brought his greedy hands underneath your shirt, his calloused fingers fondling with your breast gently.
Jake's touch, though possessive and demanding, held a seductive tenderness. His hand caressed your breast with a skillful touch, his thumb teasing your hardened nipple. Waves of pleasure coursed through your veins, electrifying every nerve ending in your body. The feeling of his hands on you, the feeling of him buried inside you. Your back arched instinctively, craving more of his touch, aching for the release that only he could give you.
His lips trailed hot kisses along your jawline, nipping at your sensitive skin.You could feel the heat radiating from his body, his skin brushing against yours as he moved with an agressive rhythm, driving you closer to the edge of oblivion.
" Oh, Jake... f-fucking hell, so good!" You moaned, throwing your head back, feeling him inside you so deep that you swore you could feel him in your stomach. He leg go of your breast and used that hand to rub your throbbing clit and further stimulate you. You bit your lip to contain your moans and threw your hand at the window, trying to get ahold of anything for support.
" Yeah? You like that?" Jake growled, his voice heavy with desire as he continued to thrust into you with an intensity that not even Marc would dare to match. Each movement of his hips sent shockwaves of pleasure coursing through your body, igniting a fire that burned hotter and hotter with each passing second.
Jake's hand grasped your neck, his grip firm but not suffocating, shaking you slightly. Everying about him seemed to turn you on; The dominance in his touch, the way he controlled every aspect of your pleasure. it all sent shivers down your spine and a surge of arousal straight to your core. You were completely at his mercy, surrendering yourself to his insatiable hunger. And the both of you fucking loved it. He loved watching you writhe, whimper and beg for him beneath him; loved knowing that he could make you do that.
" Jake, almost there again--s-slow down. " You choked out, tapping his wrist gently but he was too busy losing himself to seeing you so fucked out of your mind.
" Hmm? what was that, baby? Go faster? " He teased, his words striking you straight to your core and making you whimper. He lossened his grip around your neck a little tear ran down your cheek. He pulled his hips back and the straight forward, back and forth back and forth, hitting that spot you so badly needed him to hit again.
" Jake... Jake, please. " You cried, tears of pure bliss running down your cheeks and your eyes rolling into the back of your head.
" God its that good, aint it? So good it makes you fucking cry. " he laughs darkly, withdrawing his hand from your neck and wiping away your tears. All you could do was moan and nod.
" Yes, yes, oh god. " You mumbled, biting your lips hard as you tried to control your moans. Your fingers clenched his broad shoulders tight and your toes curled in pure ecstacy. He curled his fist into your scalp and growled.
" I want to hear you scream my name." He snarled, using his free hand to throw your quivering leg above his shoulder to deepen his thrusts. You gasped loudly and threw your head back into the leather seat, your nails digging into his skin.
" Say it, baby. I'm so far gone. " He whispered angrily, feeling himself coming to the edge of spilling inside you. You were also building up your high, your insides burning for that release. His cock slammed against your sweet spot persistently, and you were sure it would be any second before you came all over him again.
" Oh fuck, Jake, don't fucking stop! " the moans you were relasing were just straight up pornographic at that point, your face scrunching up in nothing but ecstasy.
" Louder. " He said, pushing himself as far as he could inside you.
" Dont stop, Jake! " and just hearing that made him release ropes of his milky white orgasm into your quivering cunt. The both of you were left simply panting, but he wasn't done.
" Tell me when, baby. " he said, giving you a couple fast thrusts before slowing down his pace a bit. You groaned loudly, the feeling of his release inside you and him still going was phenomenal. And then--
" S-stop. " You said, patting his chest. He nodded and stopped, pulling out halfway and feeling you release all over his length.
" Oh, so good. " he said, fully pulling out and watching your hips jerking involuntarily as you tried to recover. He smiled at you warmly and gave you a kiss.
" such a good girl, my good girl. " he said, running his finger through your hair as he looked down at you lovingly.
" what time is it? " You choked out. He lifted his right wrist and checked his apple watch.
" 1:20 AM " He murmured. it was probably going to take another hour to take back home and you were exhausted.
" okay whos driving? "
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