#so a week long thing is big for me

[sciderman]

You said that if you dated Peter or Wade it would make you miserable. Which– Okay fair, Wade does have a history of purposely hurting the people he loves.

But what about Peter? Why do you think dating him would make you miserable?

because I’ll always know I had the option to climb a 6’8 cyborg and I passed that up for a sweaty little twunk that I perpetually have to remind to bathe (sorry peter)

#I don’t know. I don’t think peter is good boyfriend material. I think his insecurities would get exhausting. #Wade has bottomless patience. me… I don’t know. I don’t think I could. I’ve got my own stuff going on. I don’t want a Project. #peter is definitely a project. and he needs someone with shed loads of patience and perseverance. #me I just. I wanna have a good time. so. come to me my big beautiful time traveller. whisk me away. #take me to the beach. you can disappear after I don’t mind I’m not needy. just spend a beautiful romantic week with me. #sci speaks #I don’t really know what kind of person I’m compatible with really actually. #all my relationships have been. pretty short. #and I don’t think it’s any fault of my own really. and I don’t feel any loss over them at all. like at all. I wish I did. but I don’t. #a sci has so very thankfully never felt heartbreak. #but it makes me kind of question what kind of person I am when it comes to this sort of thing. #because I really don’t know. #I don’t know if I want commitment. I don’t even know if I want sex these days. #I … weirdly… am so devoid of yearning these days. like I feel content right now on my own. I don’t even feel lonely. #I used to yearn but I think I’ve moved past it. and I kind of just want to have a good time. #and that doesn’t even . involve a relationship or anything anymore. like I don’t think I want one actually. it feels like I’m Over it. #it’s kind of great because I’ve never felt so calm in a long time. all because I decided that I don’t. actually Need anything. #I don’t need anything more than what I have. and that’s brought me rest after So Long being restless. #but if a massive time traveller came and whisked me away on sexy adventures how could I say no

[the-deadlock-south]

part 1/?? of interactions where cass was trying to be nice but, unfortunately, hanzo is himself

#overwatch #cole cassidy #hanzo shimada #hanzo #cassidy #yeehan #could be platonic or not who knows #art tag #ill be held at gunpoint before making a background #for weeks ive wanted to make fun of their interactions and i was just gonna do it in one big post #but then i realized it took me too long just to make this quick one so #i guess i will just do these over time #theres so many things to make fun of i really am probably gonna draw all of them at this rate #ESPECIALLY their new one like cmon its my blog title #i have a duty and its sending everyone back to 2016 because i was too late to the party

[canisalbus]

just a quick ask to tell u it makes me super happy seeing the detail u go into when pointing out stuff u like about other people's art of ur ocs :3 it's so rare to see but it's so so motivating!! <3

Thank you! I don't take any interest for my art for granted, and if someone goes through the trouble of drawing my characters for me, I feel like trying to write a proper response is the least I can do. For a visually oriented person, receiving gift/fan art is a huge deal, it means someone considered my goobers worth their time and effort, they've probably been thinking about them more than a little and found them inspiring in a way or another, and I find that terribly flattering. It's extremely fun and interesting to see other people's takes on them. And I've drawn stuff for people as well, I know how nice and rewarding it feels to receive a response that is longer than a word or two. Positive comments like that can linger in people's minds for a long time, at least for me they do.

#this comes with a big serious disadvantage though #it often takes me a long time to write that response #my social batteries are extremely small and a lot of the time by the time I go online I feel too worn out to engage with people properly #I'm autistic anxious and severely depressed my spoons are in short supply at the best of times #I've always had really hard time putting my thoughts into words in a way that I find satisfactory #so I keep putting off reblogging gift art #because most of the time my brain is too smushed to formulate that meaningful comment I want to give #maybe that sounds dumb and fake #but this is something I've struggled with for years and I feel extremely guilty for keeping people waiting like that #often weeks sometimes months even #and potentially making them feel underappreciated and unnoticed #I'm also genuinely very scatterbrained and unorganized and I miss and forget things I'm supposed to do all the time #not to mention that I tend to have trouble keeping track of my mentions and dms and asks I'm only one person #so if you've ever drawn something for me and I didn't/haven't responded yet #please know it's not personal it's entirely my fault I'm kind of a mess #and chances are I'm still very much attempting to get back to you #feel free to remind me if you feel like I might have not noticed your post I really don't mind at all it often helps me a lot #and please if you can don't delete the post even if it seems like I didn't see it #because again sometimes it takes me a long time to respond #thank you to everyone who has stayed endlessly patient with me though I appreciate it #sorry this spiraled into a list of apologies and excuses this is actually something that bothers me a lot #because it's largely a mental health thing but easily comes off as ungratefulness #I'm trying to work on that #answered #anonymous

[kirkwallguy]

prompt is hmmm least normal conversation between your hawke and varric?

alternatively, putting hawke in their least favorite situations, parties or murder, whichever dreads them more?

TYY you read my mind with this, my hawke had SUCH a messed up relationship with varric. and to combine the prompts, skyhold is basically a saw trap for him. so here's varric and hawke having a terrible conversation about hawke and anders' relationship at herald's rest.

The swill they sold at Herald's Rest, Skyhold's only tavern, was unlike anything Hawke had ever tasted before. In his youth he might have been able to bear it - long nights at The Hanged Man emptying barrels upon barrels of the worst drink Kirkwall had to offer had once been his only hobby. But the past few years had softened him. He wanted warm mead, cheap wine, someone to bring him elfroot tea as he put his feet up.

Varric didn't seem to care. He took a large swig from his tankard as if it was nothing, smacking his lips loudly.

"Maker, that hit the spot." He groaned.

Hawke didn't know what to say in response. He stared around the tavern, observing the other people drinking. They seemed on edge, nervous. It reminded him of that last night at Ostagar, everyone more than aware of the fact that they could die tomorrow. Perhaps that was why he was the only one who wasn't drinking like a fish.

"Hawke?" Varric was saying, "you listening?"

Hawke turned his gaze to Varric, "I'm listening," he grunted, pushing his drink away from him.

"Come on. I know you didn't hear a damn word I said."

Varric was suddenly serious. He sat back in his chair, tilting his chin up and meeting Hawke's eye. In this light, he suddenly looked far older than the man Hawke knew; it was hard to believe it had been a decade since they'd first met. Those first few uncomplicated months before the Deep Roads expedition, before a thousand tiny invisible barriers had begun to worm their way between them, felt simultaneously like a lifetime ago and yesterday afternoon.

"Do we have a problem, Hawke?" Varric asked.

Hawke laughed sharply. "No."

It was unconvincing, Hawke knew that. He watched as Varric picked up his drink and took another steady gulp, eyeing him suspiciously over the rim of his tankard.

Then his eyes drifted down, fixing on Hawke's hand before widening. He swallowed, coughed, reddened, looking for all the world like an Orlesian nobleman who'd just been caught doing something exceptionally unfashionable.

Hawke looked down at his hand. It was the same as ever, scarred and rough, nails bitten short in a habit Anders had always found disgusting.

And, against his worn skin, a single sunbeam in a stormy sky: his ring, once worn by his father and now worn by him. It was one half of a pair. The other half, his mother's, was somewhere far away, on the finger of someone he missed very much.

Varric couldn't stop staring at it. He was no longer red. His face was white, his knuckles even whiter.

"Hawke," he said slowly, "tell me that isn't what I think it is."

If he was honest with himself, Hawke had been anticipating this conversation ever since he'd arrived in Skyhold. If anything, he was surprised it had taken so long for Varric to notice. His gaze had a habit of lingering on him for a moment too long, taking in details nobody else saw.

He twisted the ring around his finger, "it's nothing," he lied.

"Doesn't look like nothing."

Hawke took the ring off and placed it on the table. It wasn't anything fancy, a cheap metal band coated with a thin layer of gold. His mother's ring had a small red gem inlaid in it, so bright it could have been red lyrium, but his father had been spared the frivolity.

"Does this make me your wife?" Anders had joked as Hawke had slipped the ring on his thin finger.

Varric reached out and picked it up, rolling the band around in his palm with a sour expression.

"When was the wedding?" He asked.

"A few years ago."

"Right." Varric said, gritting his teeth, "sure."

Hawke said nothing in response. He held his hand out, waiting for him to give the ring back.

Either Varric didn't notice him, or he pretended not to. He continued to fiddle with it, warming the cool metal in his hands, "were you planning on telling me? Or did my invite get lost somewhere?"

His voice was hard as stone but Hawke was harder. "Nobody was invited," he said, "it was just us."

And Bethany. And The Hero of Ferelden. And a few friends. But Varric didn't need to know that.

"Still," Varric continued to toy with the ring, "you could've written. I would've sent a gift."

Hawke snorted, "a gift for a wedding you don't approve of? The Orlesians are rubbing off on you, Varric."

It was hard for Hawke to keep the irritation from his voice. His patience was wearing thin. He reached out and snatched the ring from Varric's hand, slipping it back on his finger where it belonged.

Neither of them spoke for a long time after that. Hawke let his mind wander, thinking about how he'd tell this story when he got home. Would it make Anders smile? Would Bethany chide him for being too cruel? Or would the three of them sit in silence afterwards, navigating the personal mazes they were more and more often finding themselves lost in.

Varric coughed lightly, "I don't disapprove." He said, so quiet that Hawke barely heard him.

"Pardon?"

"I said, I don't disapprove." He repeated, "of you and Blondie, that is."

He was lying. Hawke felt a fire begin to ignite in his chest, "I read your book," he said sharply, "everyone did. All of Thedas knows exactly what you think."

"It was a dramatised version of events. I've said it a thousand times, Hawke, I'm not a historian-"

"-I'm a storyteller," Hawke finished, mimicking Varric's rough voice, "right."

Another silence. Varric had finished his drink by now but continued to fiddle with the tankard, peering into it every now and then as if hoping more alcohol would materialise if he wanted it badly enough.

Hawke had been maybe a hundred pages into The Tale of the Champion when he'd realised Varric was in love with him. The realisation had come over him like a heart attack, finally hitting after years of creeping up on him. Part of him thought maybe he should have realised sooner. It had, in hindsight, been sickeningly obvious.

When he'd asked Anders for his opinion, he'd had the nerve to laugh. (This had been, of course, when he still knew how to laugh. If Hawke had known how few of Anders' laughs he'd have left, he might not have been so angry. But that's always the way.)

"I was wondering when you were going to figure it out," he'd said, doubling over, "Maker, Isabela and I even had a bet, once."

Did Varric himself even know? Hawke looked at him. He was still staring morosely at his empty drink, a few strands of hair falling in his eyes where they'd come loose from his ponytail. Surely if he knew he would have said something by now. He was never usually quiet about his feelings.

"Varric." Hawke said.

"What?"

"Do you..."

Potential hung in the air, a dagger at the end of his tongue. Hawke could ask his question if he wanted. He could do anything if he wanted; he could ruin everything, he could run all the way home and cower beneath his bed, he could tear his sword from his hilt and see how many Templars he could slaughter before someone cut him down.

But he did nothing. Just as he had done nothing every night since arriving as Skyhold. He continued to sit on the uncomfortable chair at the dirty table, continued to ignore his drink. Varric stared at him with his tired, worn expression. There was a look in his eyes that reminded Hawke shockingly of Anders on the day he'd blown up the Chantry. An acknowledgement of an unavoidable fact and an acceptance of it, the mutual knowledge that Hawke could do anything in that moment and he wouldn't resist.

Just as before, Hawke couldn't go through with it. He dropped the dagger.

"Do you want another drink?" He asked.

Varric avoided his gaze and shrugged. "I think I'm done for the night."

"Sure."

"I'm going to turn in."

He slipped out from the table and into the fray of the crowded tavern, dodging stray elbows and swinging knees. Hawke watched him leave, finished his drink, then took the same path out into the cool night.

#sorry this took 2 weeks i overestimated my motivation to write outside of school lol #ask #anonymous #for the first time writing this forced me to do the scary thing ive been avoiding: fanfiction in the google doc rather than the notes app #it's been so long since i shared fanfic online omg im suddenly self conscious. this isnt edited or anything its just for funsies i hope it #at least feeds enjoyers of messed up hawke/varric dynamics #fanfic #<- this was FUN i plan on writing more hopefully. in june ill have some spare time and ik theres a da big bang then sooo

[forcedhesitation]

*wheeze* slowly, but surely, working on art of them all

#bg3 #myart #wip #I want to make every tav/companion pairing I have a dedicated. fancy piece. #these started with a concept for a wyll drawing that was very...storybook! inspired. #I would have been done all the linework for these two pieces by now had my weekend gone better :/ #I was violently unwell for...about a week and a half? chronic illness bullshit. had started to feel better friday of last week... #...unfortunately fate had it that the weekend ended up being particularly stressful. so the pain returned anew. #it was. somewhat better today. but still not enough for me to really be productive in my free time :( #I will try to complete the linework tomorrow if all goes well. I really would like to start colouring them! #I have delightful colour schemes chosen... #gale/illamin piece has already been sketched in a notebook. once I finish these two- I will begin lining theirs! #illamin's connects to cadence's because they're intertwined like that. but I have yet to finish planning out cadence's piece. #I've gone back and forth on who I should romance with him...the thing with any of the companions is that they are all written to be- #-immensely compatible with each other. so writing a tav FOR a specific companion is a bit hard. often the tav could fit with any of them. #hell. I'm STILL working out details of jantar and corydalis' story & characters. because I can't be normal about this. #that aside- I DO have other. finished pieces...finally. #well. I had some long before... but I didn't want to post them because I wasn't happy with them. #so I went and finished new stuff that I DO like. #4. technically 5 drawings. all horror/horror adjacent in theme. #my extremely detailed hux painting is also NEARLY done. after months upon months of work. #and I continue to slowly chip away at the big scifi themed dbd piece I've had in progress. #I really never run out of things to draw and it's a bit torturous because I never have the time or energy to draw everything...

[writhe]

i am almost done packing / moving & it’s weird to see my place nearly empty. it’s strange how quickly you can scrub away things that have felt like a fixture. i’ll leave ghosts, just like there are ghosts here from the person who was here before me

the next few weeks will be transitional in a way that is beginning to feel more scary and present as the heavy and hard work dwindles, but when i moved a couple years ago i had a similar sort of ~ liminal ~ period, only i stayed with friends in a big beautiful haunted house & found a lot of respite in the experience. weird how things change, i still don’t fully know where i’ll be sleeping come sunday night & the following week or so

i like having somewhere to retreat to but i don’t think having a ~ home base ~ is as deeply important to me as it is to some people, though i think i care moderately about it. this one grew into the role in a large way, living alone and all, and i’m only now starting to wonder what else i’m relinquishing in all this

#i’m moving into a house as someone is moving out of it so there’s very little space for me or my things and i won’t really be able to unpack #*unpack #or have a bedroom for an indeterminate amount of time (1 week? 2?) #might stay at franklin’s but idk for how long #none of this is a huge deal i guess yknow it’s just wild how like. a large constant will cease to exist for me! and i will be thrust into #new kinds of work and chaos #(and i have 2 standing offers to help people paint 1 to help someone else move & the place i’ll be living really needs a BIG re-org #) #a lot of intentionally shall be demanded i hope i can muster it

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

EMBARRASSING: local fool didn't realize he lived within driving distance to a really cool epic cave system, now has to rectify the fact that they haven't visited in the half a decade that she has lived nearby posthaste

#i knew about some of the caves that are really close but i did NOT know about the big one how did i do that #i simply MUST visit this summer i need to rectify this mistake #and man...... they have long trails too *swoons* #methinks i can find some time. well. very rushed but i *could* go next week but i actually have to go to the gardens because OMG OMG OMG #VERY EXCITING BUT THEY'RE HAVING AN ORCHID EVENT THEN TULIPS REALLY SOON #I REALLY REALLY GOTTA GO I AM SO EXCITED THE THEME IS FRENCH IMPRESSIONISM AND THE COLORS THEY'RE USING AHHHH #AJDIUHASDIASDIGAHS u cannot imagine the #WAIT HOLD UP THEY ARE HAVING FIGURE DRAWING SESSIONS IN THE GARDENS I AM GOING TO THROW UP THIS IS #ANJDHGASLGDGASHJDGHAS dude. u cannot Imagine how excited i am about this AND OH MY FUCKING GOD THE COLORS OF #THOSE TULIPS I'M GOING TO FAINT ASDJHASKJDHASGKDLH I NEED TO BE THERE IMMEDIATELY IT'S GOING TO BE GORGROUS FR FR #AND THERE ARE CUTE LITTLE TEA PARTIES WITH REALLY OVERDRESSED TABLES I AM SEETHING I DON'T OWN A PETTICOAT #THIS IS A DRESSING UP OCCASION AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PETTICOAT OR A BUSTLE OR ANY 19TH CENTURY FRENCH ATTIRE AHHHH #AND OH I'LL FINALLY GET TO SEE ALL OF MY FAVORITE TREES AND HERB GARDENS AND AJSDHILASJDKHLASJASHD #i miss one particular tree so bad. she's a silly little thing i hope she's still there #sorry this started as me talking abt that cool cave system but dude. i Need to be at those gardens i need it to livve i neeeeeed it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭 #so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-] #unrelated

[whentherewerebicycles]

question: when you're starting a new job, what do you most want out of your first week of onboarding? what's most helpful for you to know/understand upfront? also... what's not helpful? tell me your onboarding nightmare stories too lol

#i honestly do not ever think i've had a positive onboarding experience #in my entire professional life #i guess for me a lot of my early-job anxieties are around expectations and 'rules' #like i want to know what time i'm supposed to be there and what time i'm allowed to leave and what the dress code is #and how the hybrid schedule works #so i don't make dumb mistakes right away #i also think i want to be involved in the real work as early as possible #like i don't have to be DOING anything yet but i want to be watching people do things and shadowing in meetings #so i can start to develop a sense of who's who and what the actual work of the office/workplace looks like #and also because i really value getting a feel for personalities as early as possible lol i want to know what the vibes are #hmm and also maybe most importantly #i feel like in any new situation i need a very loose conceptual framework to hold the new information being given to me #otherwise it's just random pieces of info you know? like it's helpful when someone is actively helping me fit information into a frame #like they're saying 'here's the HUGE picture - now let's zoom in and start looking at this one corner of it - and as we add new corners #i'll actively help you fill in the connective tissue that holds these different parts of the big picture together' #hmmm #my worst onboarding experiences have been when the person training me comes in and throws lots of #long complex extremely context-dependent documents or readings at me #and is like ok spend the week reading those and get back to me #and i'm like ?????????? #i have NO understanding of what my role is or how this organization functions #at this point it is not helpful for me to pass my eyes over tons of dense info without a guide to tell me what's important #i have no way of gauging of something is important or trivial and then i feel stressed like i have to learn ALL of it #even though i know that a huge portion of it will end up being not that relevant to my day-to-day job

[irhabiya]

today sucked the life out of me ya Allah

#nothing particularly happened #well actually multiple things happened but none of them are that big of a deal im just tired #yesterday the ppt file for my presentation corrupted as i was finishing it :') didn't have autosave on :')) #had to redo the entire thing from scratch. i was working on it all week too for god's sake #finished by like 4am today and i had to be up by 8 for uni so i barely slept #the presentation was fine i think given i had to do everything again last minute but ik the original version was better #my blood pressure was through the roof the entire day for some reason. felt my pulse in my head for the whole day #fitting because our pbl case this week was about hypertension😭 #called my dad to make sure he went to get his meds renewed... #i'm really worried about him he refused to go to the doctor again aslan but i sat him down and we had a long talk about it #alhamdulillah he agreed to go. only for them not to have his diabetes meds in stock💀 bas ya3ni it's good that he went anyway #my mom is a different story she's so stubborn i swear #had an argument with her today about letting me work again to lift a bit of the workload off her since money is still so tight #and she got pissed at me #so now im tired unrested have a migraine and my mom is mad at me what a day bgad #ya Allah

[cyanidas]

Hope yall are having a good holiday season!

I'm excited for the new year ;w; small update in tags

#ive been taking a mental break from things #i kinda freaked myself out about getting those designs out #could you tell? haha- /shot #anyway. i have a big piece im working on for the new year for cookie run #this year i wanna get back into yogs stuff #since they released that fun murder mystery gameshow im kinda eh about continuing midnight manor but. we will see #its different enough lol but i wanna re-focus in on reversion #it was my magnum opus at the time dlkfjgfk i was most excited for that and i got a lot of work done on it #and some new-yog work (as i promised kirsty kfjgfk >w<;; #probably not a comic #but i will be adding back onto my fanlore document on ao3 #so once i get my designs moving (hopefully by sometime within the next week or two. i know i said a week last time but i didnt expect #to be pushing myself so hard) #i will gladly start those projects back up #im trying to finish the things i started because im notorious for not completing things and its a demon of mine ive been working to conquer #for like. a decade gfkgjg #ive made incredible progress... but ive still a long way to go #thank u guys for following me and interacting #i hope you like what you see whenver you get to see it! #intercom

[blissfulstatic]

i started all of these games at wildly different times, took varying levels of breaks partway through each of them, and then finished all of their achievements in the same two days

i don't know what to do with myself now

#buenos dias short people #tunic was like. i played to maybe halfway. took a months long break #when i picked it back up i didnt remember what i was doing so i started a new file and played like a third #months long break. but this time i resumed the second file and played through to the end #the game is very cryptic but starting over gave me a handle on the mechanics and what was important #outer wilds took like four tries even though i knew it would be good i just wasnt hooked #the game is about knowledge even more than tunic like knowledge is the whole deal and it comes slowly at first #but when it hit it really hit. god damn #please play outer wilds #spyro? um. it was good #i don't know that i took any big breaks from it? there were some but a couple weeks at most #spyro levels are not particularly complex. or content rich. and i really felt that 60 hours #playing the whole trilogy all back to back can really burn you out #its a collectathon you're bound to spend a good while just wandering around to find that one last thing you missed #and i didn't know i could left stick for sparx to point out the nearest gems until like halfway through 2 so that was a time waster #im not saying it wasn't a good game but spyros moveset is like. glide fire charge and you do this for three games #until they throw in random nonspyro playable characters in 3 and they all control really bad and weird. but its still mostly spyro #i could have taken big breaks between each game and it would've been better probably but its a collection im gonna roll to the next one

[keclan]

birthday tomorrow. i better have a good day tomorrow or else.

#god this week hs been……: a lot #both babies sick #baby 2 won’t eat anything his parents are trying to force him to eat milk from a big syringe thing rn #i finally put him to sleep and i was like ok i know i’m not gonna get many breaks so i’ll eat even though it’s 10am #and then he didn’t even sleep long enough for me to make food

[queenlucythevaliant]

Six things I wish you knew about chronic migraine

(By a person who’s lived with the condition for the last eight + years)

While it’s true that migraine is more common than you think (something like one in five women, one in twenty men), it’s also true that there are lots of different kinds of migraine. Optical migraine (“aura”), vestibular migraine (vertigo), and abdominal migraine (lots of nausea and vomiting) can and do frequently coexist, but only a fraction of the people who get “migraine” experience all three all the time. Complex migraine has symptoms similar to both a seizure and a stroke, frequently in addition to some/all of the aforementioned. A person with chronic complex migraine (like me) and a more normal person who gets an acute migraine every month or so (like my mom) might as well have two entirely different conditions.

Corollary to the above: migraine advocacy needs to cover both breadth and depth of sufferers. Naturally, resources and up-to-date research ought to be available to anyone who experiences migraine symptoms, but there also needs to be acknowledgment that even some people for whom the condition is technically “chronic” (eight days a month) might have it relatively easy in the scheme of things. I often tell people that I have a seizure condition (closely related to migraine) in order to be taken seriously in lieu of a thirty minute lecture. 

Migraine is under-researched and poorly understood. I have one of the most expert migraine neurologists in the US and yet frequently, when I ask him questions that seem like they should have simple answers, his response is “good question.” Lots of meds/treatments are new and experimental and thus not covered by insurance. There is a LOT of migraine-related misinformation in the milieu. I cannot overstate this. Immense truckloads of misinformation. It’s incredible. Take anything a non-neurologist tells you about migraine critically.

You would be astonished by how many needles and hospital visits severe chronic migraine entails. There are periods where I’ve had to get painful injections 3x daily and had hospital visits every other week. IV steroid infusions are also a pretty common occurrence and they suuuuuuck.

Most people who get migraine take either OTC drugs or Imitrex/Sumatriptan pills, and if a person gets any kind of nausea/vomiting with migraine, this is pretty much insane. The body can process migraine like a physical trauma and as a result the stomach stops working (gastric stasis). As a result, if you take a pill after an episode has already begun, it won’t actually get digested until the migraine is basically over already. Injectables are much better if you can get them and it’s absolutely crazy to me that most doctors don’t prescribe them across the board. Doctors have known about the gastric stasis thing for decades now and it really ought to be common knowledge.

 Not specific to migraine, but the longer you suffer with chronic pain the more sensitive your body becomes (barring improvements in treatment). This is kind of counterintuitive- you’d expect to get used to the pain over long exposure, but actually your nerves get hyper-attuned to it. This goes double if you have any kind of allodynia. If you have long-term chronic pain—you’re not going crazy if you think something/everything hurts more now than it used to.

#this barely scratches the surface but i was trying to write something digestable #i've had a particularly bad migraine week (actually the last two weeks have sucked - makes me wonder about my last nerve block) #and every now and then i see migraine misinformation/overgeneralizations floating around this site and it makes me want to post long angry #ill-advised replies #i saw one this evening and wrote this instead #the last thing i want is to be one of those people who makes their illness their entire personality #but this is a big part of my life so #hopefully this is edifying educational and appropriate #chronic illness is hilarious #pontifications and creations

[hurglewurm]

it's becoming really hard to draw again and I'm scared to go outside alone :))) perfectionist manifestation of the lack of control i feel in my life combined with my usual coping method of avoiding everything forever

#happens in cycles all the time but damn #this one sure was triggered out of me #like. last week and the week before i was in europe thriving drawing so much #and then the change (coming home + around diff people) #with the Other change (sudden breakup with no warning or real explanation that made sense) #i am. losing it #i am floating but I'm in a big big big pond and it is deep #im ill #alligates says things #man i really thought i was fine but i guess it hasn't been that long and #the psychological effects... the psychic harm dealt to me...

[magdaclaire]

my parents being fucking weird has ruined so many of the activities queers typically salivate over

#my mom and dad used to go axe throwing with my aunt and uncle once a week #my uncle built a forge out of cinder blocks in my backyard and we moved it with us after for like ten years #my dad forged for a long time #even like. making and serving alcohol or some shit. my dad is an alcoholic who used to make his own mead #cottagecore ass lesbians?? my mom was an apothecary and my dad has always had a garden #dark academia ass gay people? my parents get into ethical debates to pass the time when they're in line in stores #art or singing or dancing? my mom was a theatre major her first time through college. we do that here #my mom used to customize jeans for her friends free of charge bc she could just draw on them to stim during long conversations #my siblings and i split up roles in musicals before we start them bc of my mom #dancing is about my grandparents but anyway they were competitive line dancers and that's not the only dance they did #everybody in my family has adhd and/or autism and there are no safe interests in this house #and my siblings would probably say the same thing about shit that i've hyperfixated on in the past that they cannot look at bc i #talked about it too much. i know enough about literature to make any normal person fall asleep. i have a borderline encyclopedic knowledge #of big cats. i literally read a series of encyclopedias as a child because i wanted to have a base knowledge of most things #how was i not diagnosed !!!!!! how did no one diagnose me !!!!!!! #and it's bc everybody in my family thought it was normal for me to read at a collegiate level in first grade. please be so for real rn #this turned into talking about my family's autism but isn't that what it was always about lmao #mer rambles