#so anyway 9th grade i realized most people wouldn't kill me for making one mistake

[void-chara]

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#wowww really thought i was getting better about not caring as much about strangers opinions of me but aparrently not lol #for context in middleschool everyone id known since kindergarden and was friends with suddenly decided they hated me and i didn't know why #and so id already cared a little to much about others opinions about me but that made it way worse #like for a long time i was terrified because in my mind if i made one small mistake then everyone would hate me and i would be alone #and then die #and in 9th grade i had good friends and i was getting better #because 6 and 7th grade were bad and eith grade they all pretended it never happend #so anyway 9th grade i realized most people wouldn't kill me for making one mistake #and in quarrentine like im talking end of school year this year #i was getting really good. like i was opening up more about my interests and allowing myself to not mask as much #because if they didn't like me doing that then i just would get other friends #but now im getting bad again and i thought i was better and it sucks #i noticed cause like. i listened to the magnus archives recently and really like it and i think im hyperfixating #and so obviously i want to follow tma blogs so itll be on my dashboard and ill see it #but i cant make myself because im a mcyt blog rn and what if they don't like minecraft youtubers and they hate me and then block me and then #everyone else hates me and blocks me and then somehow my friends find out and i know they think mcyts are the cause of everything wrong with #the world and then i have no one and just. all i want to do is follow some blogs and i cant make myself do it and thats never been a problem #before and i just. idk. it sucks. didn't mean to write this much i guess i wanted to talk about it more than i thought i did #and also im afraid of getting blocked and getting hate from every single blog active on tumblr but i knwo thats irrational. but im also #afraid that maybe just one person will block me or even just say something and itll feel like all me worst fears are coming true and ill #react badly and my brain will get worse because now theres proof it could happend #i just. idk. sometimes i do not liek being me.