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deanstead · 2 years

Text

Snowstorm

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Requested: no

Summary: Jay takes Y/N on a short getaway, but a snowstorm hits unexpectedly, putting them in a dangerous position.

Square Filled: Snowed In for #resa.3kfiestabingo

Word Count: 2,399

Warnings: mild language

A/N: I had this idea, slightly different from a typical snowed in prompt but I guess it works? I hate my brain because I liked the idea and then had a lot of difficulty putting this into words lmao. So if it come off weird, I'm sorry HAHA. Apologies for any inaccuracies, just enjoy the fic, maybe? <3

JAY HALSTEAD MASTERLIST

“And as reported earlier today we are experiencing heavy blizzard conditions, we’re advising everyone to stay indoors as temperatures continue to fall.”

The news went on in the background but you weren’t paying attention, getting down on your knees and peering under the bed.

Jay had finally managed to put in some of his furlough to take you away to a treasure of a cabin for a weekend getaway. It had been a surprise for your anniversary and Jay had even packed your things for you, so you’d literally been whisked away, straight to the cabin, where Jay already had a pretty bouquet of flowers waiting for you and to top it off, a pretty necklace that you remembered looking at when the two of you had been out a few weeks ago.

But of course your stupid ass had lost it.

You remembered keeping it safe before cuddling into Jay’s side for the night. Jay had helped you put it on in the morning, his fingers trailing across your neck as he clasped it on before he pressed his lips against your cheek.

You remembered playing with it sporadically when you and Jay had gone out for a walk, your hand pressed in his, both of your hands tucked warmly into his jacket pocket. You remembered thinking that you'd forgotten how good it was to be surrounded by nature, just the two of you, flinging little balls of snow towards each other like you were teenagers out for a first date.

But when you’d next raised your hand to touch it again, it was gone.

The dread that you’d felt when you’d first realized it was missing was now spreading across your gut, making you a little nauseous, especially since you still remembered the fight you’d had with Jay when you’d lost the earrings he’d given you for your birthday.

It hadn’t been a big fight, but you felt you’d really hurt Jay’s feelings so you’d told yourself to be extra careful. And yet, here you were…

You glanced out the window at the snow coming down heavily, coming to the last conclusion left. You'd practically turned the cabin upside down so the only place you could have lost it was outdoors.

Jay put down the phone, slipping it back into the inside pocket of his jacket before he jammed his hands into the outer pockets.

He frowned a little as his fingers came into contact with something and he pulled it out, smiling a little as he found himself looking back at the necklace he’d given you just the day before.

You’d asked him to keep it safe for you that afternoon while the both of you were outdoors and you’d obviously forgotten totally about it.

Slipping it back into his pocket, Jay made a mental note to nag you just a little gently, reminding himself that he’d slightly overreacted the last time.

But when he opened the back door to the cabin to come back indoors, it was too quiet. And empty.

“Y/N?” Jay called, peering around the door to the bathroom, half expecting to see you in there.

“Babe?” He called again, but was met with silence.

He frowned, glancing at the time on the clock sitting on the small table next to the double bed in the bedroom before he glanced at his phone to see if he’d missed your call. It was late and you rarely even left your own house this late unless there was an emergency, but even then he’d be your first call.

Jay was about to pick up his phone to dial your number when he caught sight of a loose paper dangling off the table on his side of the bed.

Hastily making his way there, he pulled the paper out, your hastily scribbled handwriting scrawled over it.

I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean to lose track of it again, I’ll be back soon. Love you.

Jay didn’t react immediately, taking another second before it sank in. You thought you’d lost the necklace and you’d gone to look for it. Outside.

The television was still on, reports on the heavy snow and dangerous low temperatures still playing on the television as Jay glanced out the window.

Damn it, Y/N.

The thought barely crossed his mind before he was out of the room, quickening his steps to head outdoors, the door slamming behind him.

“Y/N!”

Jay’s voice echoed around the trees that surrounded the cabin, Jay heading deeper in for the clearing the both of you had just been in a few hours ago.

“Y/N!”

Visibility was crap, the light from the moon could barely reach to the ground because of the falling snow, much less any light that could filter through the trees. The snow felt like it was getting heavier as well. Jay could feel the cold reach his bones but he couldn’t even focus on that as he felt his heart hammer against his chest.

This was all his fault. He should never have overreacted that one time. That was probably what had prompted you to go out to find the necklace despite the weather because all you had been thinking of were his feelings. Jay really hated himself right about now, but he pulled his focus to the forefront. He needed to find you.

His boot sank into the snow, making his movements slower, which really irritated him, but he pushed a branch out of the way as he made it into the next clearing, barely taking one step in when he paused, something catching his eye.

“Y/N!” Jay raised his voice, quickening his footsteps when he realized it was you, laying barely half conscious in the snow.

Sinking to his knees, Jay pulled you up towards him, supporting you gently in his arms. “Y/N? Wake up. Are you with me? Y/N!”

“J…” Your voice was weak and Jay had no idea how long you’d been out here for since you’d quietly left the cabin before he’d come back.

“Stay awake, alright? Don’t go to sleep.” Jay said, as he pulled you onto his back a little awkwardly.

You let out a strangled sob. “I’m… sor…sorry, Jay…” Your teeth chattered against each other despite the fact you barely had any energy left.

Jay felt his heart give a squeeze. “Shh, I got you. It’s okay, you’re going to be okay.”

Jay propped you a little higher on his back, glancing back the way he came but the blizzard was so strong he could barely see a few feet in front of him. For all he knew, that wasn’t even the way he had come.

“Stay awake, babe, okay?” Jay called towards you, angling his head towards you so you could hear his voice. “Just stay awake for me.”

Jay knew he just had to move, turning back to where he thought he’d come from, focusing on the fact that he had to get you out of the cold.

But after about five minutes of trekking back through the snow, Jay realized he was probably heading the wrong way. He should have been able to see the cabin by now.

Fuck.

Jay glanced around, barely spotting a roof a few feet ahead.

Screw this. He had no idea if that was another occupied cabin, if it was a shed, or what it was, but he didn’t care. It had a roof and that was all he needed so he pushed himself quicker.

Jay knocked, even though there were no lights on inside. Even so, he barely waited a few seconds before he barged his way in. The place was empty, and looked like no one had been here in a while, although Jay didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

Finding an empty corner, Jay quickly lowered you back onto the ground, turning to look at you. “Hey, you with me?”

You didn’t respond and Jay gently held the sides of your face. “Baby. Stay awake for me, alright?” Jay whispered. “I’ll be right back.”

You felt Jay’s hand sweep against yours and you caught his hand with the little energy that you had left.

Jay turned to glance at you, before he bent down again. “I’m just going to see if there’s anything we can get warm with, alright? I’ll be right back. Promise.”

You gently let go of his hand although Jay wasn’t sure if it was a conscious action or not, before he quickly headed to the other side of the empty cabin to see what he could find.

Jay scrounged up as much as he could with whatever was lying around. It was barely enough for a candle flame but Jay didn’t have the luxury of waiting around for a miracle that the flames would grow.

Dumping the one blanket that he’d found in another corner of the empty cabin by your side, he knelt beside you, his fingers fumbling with your jacket to get it off.

You turned to look up at him now. Your whole body still felt heavy, and your eyelids were half closed but at least you felt a little more conscious. "What… Jay… wh-what are you…”

“I need to get you warm, alright?” Jay’s voice was almost pleading. “I need to get you out of these wet clothes and warm. Trust me.”

You didn’t have enough energy to tell him that of course you did, of course you trusted him. But Jay didn’t seem to need that assurance from you as he gently helped you out of the wet clothing you had on as he quickly removed his own wet ones, pulling the blankets over the both of you. He wrapped you tight into his side, your skin touching his.

At least you could feel him. That was a good sign, right?

Jay pulled the blankets tighter over you as your body shivered gently against him. Jay pressed his lips onto your forehead, his arms going tighter around you, pressing you so tight against him it felt like your bodies were about to merge as one.

“Just a while more, Y/N. Just stay awake a while more. We’ll just get warm and wait for the blizzard to die down and we’ll go back to our cabin, alright?” Jay whispered. “We haven’t done this in a while, talking all night? Let’s do that, alright?”

You nodded, trying to focus on the sound of his voice, still shaking a little, trying to ignore the cloud fog in your brain from the cold and the fact that the both of you were stuck in a deserted cabin in the middle of a snowstorm.

It took a little longer than Jay expected for the storm to finally die down but he’d kept you awake for those few hours, the both of you pressed together, keeping each other as warm as possible.

The moment the storm subsided, Jay helped you get dressed and took you to a hospital, your lack of protest only serving to worry him, at least until he’d gotten you to Med.

“Jay.” Will called to his brother as he closed the treatment room door behind him. “You said you were taking her up somewhere. You should have just gone to the nearest…”

Jay looked up. “Is she okay?”

Will paused, stopping his nagging to study his brother's expression before he nodded. “Yeah. It’s mild, so we’re just giving her warm IV fluids and it should help to warm her up. We’re monitoring her.”

Jay nodded, without saying anything.

“Jay?” Will probed.

“Would she be better if I’d gone somewhere nearer?” Jay asked quietly.

Will shook his head, regretting nagging his brother and making him feel worse than he already did. “Look, she’s fine. Her vitals are pretty good considering the two of you were stuck in a cabin with no heating last night. Her hypothermia’s mild, you did a good job keeping her warm last night.”

Jay sighed. “You know how she gets with hospitals. I just thought at least if I got her here and she sees you, she'd be...”

Will patted his brother on the shoulder. “Yeah, I know, just like you.” Jay offered a small smile, before Will continued. “Did you get yourself checked out?”

Jay nodded. “Maggie wouldn’t have let me out of the other room otherwise."

Will chuckled. “Good. You can go in and be with her. She’s alert. I'll get you a hot drink.”

Jay let out a small breath of relief. “Thanks, Will.”

When Jay slid the door open, you were sitting up in bed and a look of relief passed over your face when you finally saw him.

Jay just exhaled quietly, heading towards you.

A small frown rested on your face. “Jay..? Are you really mad? I didn’t mean to lose it, I just…”

Jay reached over, putting his arms around you gently and holding you tight against him without a word. “Don’t you ever do that again.” Jay said in a low voice. “You really scared me.”

You exhaled into his shoulder. “I didn’t…”

“Y/N.” Jay pulled away, his voice still serious. “Nothing, I repeat, nothing, is more important than you. You hear me?”

You just blinked back at him.

“Y/N. Promise me that you’ll never put your own safety above anything.”

“But…”

Jay pulled it out from his pocket now, pressing the necklace in your palm before he gave you a smile. “Especially not for something like this. I’m sorry I overreacted the last time. It wasn’t you, it was… me. I’m sorry. But what do you expect me to do with this if you'd frozen to death?”

You shook your head. “It’s not your fault, Jay. Let’s not do this, alright? We’re not playing the blame game today. Let’s just…”

Jay smiled and nodded, reaching forward again to press his lips gently on your forehead but you moved back so that your lips would touch and you heard him chuckle even before his lips lifted from yours.

“I love you.” Jay whispered, as he settled quietly beside you, putting an arm around you.

You rested your head gently against Jay as he perched on the bed next to you now. “I love you too.” You whispered back, Jay gently closing his hand tightly around yours, just glad that you were now safe.

THANK YOU FOR READING!! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THIS!!

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Character taglists are open!

#resa.3kfiestabingo #resa.fics #jay halstead #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead fanfic #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead oneshot #jay halstead x you #jay halstead x y/n

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trinity-mia · 3 months

Text

a story as endless as the ocean

the sea of monsters

1.9 red sky in morning

warnings : none ( lmk if that isn't actually true )

word count : 2.5k

1.9 The King of the Titans Installs His Back-Up Plan Just in Case He Can't Manipulate Me or I Die (Whichever Comes First)

That afternoon was one of the happiest I'd ever spent at camp, which probably goes to show, you never know when your world is about to be rocked to pieces.

Grover announced that he'd be able to spend the rest of the summer with us before resuming his quest for Pan. His bosses at the Council of Cloven Elders were so impressed that he hadn't gotten himself killed and had cleared the way for future searchers, that they granted him a two-month furlough and a new set of reed pipes.

The only bad news: Grover insisted on playing those pipes all afternoon long, and his musical skills hadn't improved much. He played "YMCA," and the strawberry plants started going crazy, wrapping around our feet like they were trying to strangle us. I guess I couldn't blame them, seeing as I wanted to strangle his 'music' too. However illogically that was phrased. But, because I was a good friend, I managed to restrain myself and not break them. Though, I wasn't about to make any promises if he started on Hilary Duff again.

Grover told me he could dissolve the empathy link between us, now that we were face to face, but I had simply rolled my eyes and told him not to be an idiot. He put down his reed pipes and stared at me. "But, if I get in trouble again, you'll be in danger, Allie! You could die!"

"I'm a demigod, Grover," I scoffed back. "Dying's in the job description." I gave him a stern, unyielding look that said I wasn't going to back down on this. "If you get in trouble again, I want to know about it. And I'll come to help you again, Grover. I wouldn't have it any other way."

In the end, he agreed not to break the link. He went back to playing "YMCA" for the strawberry plants. I didn't need an empathy link with the plants to know how they felt about it. I suspect I did everyone a favor when I confiscated the reeds and rapped him around the head with them.

As for Tyson, the campers treated him like a hero. I would've been happy to have him as my cabin mate forever, but that evening, as we were sitting on a sand dune overlooking the Long Island Sound, he made an announcement that completely took me by surprise.

"Dream came from Daddy last night," he said. "He wants me to visit."

I wondered if he was kidding, but Tyson really didn't know how to kid. "Poseidon sent you a dream message?"

Tyson nodded. "Wants me to go underwater for the rest of the summer. Learn to work at Cyclopes' forges. He called it an inter— an intern—"

"An internship?"

"Yes." I let that sink in. I'll admit, I felt a little bitter. Poseidon did seem to actually care about Tyson. But me? He said to my face that I was a mistake. Who wouldn't feel a bit resentful at hearing their parent say that, no matter how they felt about the parent themselves? Then I realized, Tyson was going? Just like that?

"When would you leave?" I asked.

"Now."

"Now. Like... right now?"

"Now."

"Oh." I stared out at the waves of Long Island Sound. The water was glistening red in the sunset. I could feel tears pricking my eyelids. "I'm happy for you, bub," I managed. "Seriously."

"Hard to leave my new sister," he said with a tremble in his voice. "But I want to make things. Weapons for the camp. You will need them."

Unfortunately, I knew he was right. The Fleece hadn't solved all the camp's problems. Annabeth and Cody were both still out there, gathering an army aboard the Princess Andromeda. Kronos was still re-forming in his golden coffin. Eventually, we would have to fight them. War was inevitable, and the Great Prophecy loomed over my head like a Sword of Damocles. I would turn nineteen in a little over three weeks, meaning I would be exactly two years away from my much-dreaded twenty-first birthday.

"You'll make the best weapons ever," I told Tyson. I held up my bracelet proudly. "The best. No contest."

Tyson sniffled. "Brothers and sisters help each other."

"You're my brother," I vowed. "No doubt about it."

He patted me on the back so hard he almost knocked me down the sand dune. Then he wiped a tear from his cheek and stood to go. "Use the shield well."

"I will, bub."

"Save your life someday."

The way he said it, so matter-of-fact, I wondered if that Cyclops eye of his could see into the future.

"Just like its creator," I answered softly as he headed down to the beach and whistled, the way I'd taught him. Rainbow, the hippocampus, burst out of the waves. I watched the two of them ride off together into the realm of Poseidon.

Once they were gone, I looked down at my new bracelet. I pressed the sapphire and the shield spiraled out to full size. Hammered into the bronze were pictures in Ancient Greek style, scenes from our adventures this summer. There was me slaying a Laistrygonian dodgeball player, Luke fighting the bronze bulls on Half-Blood Hill, Tyson riding Rainbow toward the Princess Andromeda, the CSS Birmingham blasting its cannons at Charybdis. I ran my hand across a picture of Tyson, battling the Hydra as he held aloft a box of Monster Donuts.

I couldn't help feeling sad. I knew Tyson would have a fantastic time under the ocean. He would love his internship, of that I had no doubt, not to mention seeing Poseidon, whom he idolized. But I would miss everything about him— his fascination with horses, the way he could fix chariots or crumple metal with his bare hands, or tie our enemies into knots. I'd even miss him snoring like an earthquake in the next bunk all night.

"Hey, Allie."

I turned.

Luke and Grover were standing at the top of the sand dune. I wiped a few stay tears from my eyes.

"Tyson..." I told them. "He had to..."

"We know," Luke replied softly, his expression gentle as he reached out to smooth down my curls. "Chiron told us."

"Cyclops forges." Grover shuddered. "I hear the cafeteria food there is terrible! Like, no enchiladas at all."

I let out a watery laugh, and he gained a pleased expression. Luke wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Come on, Angel. Time for dinner."

We walked back toward the dining pavilion together, just the three of us together, almost like old times.

A storm raged that night, but it parted around Camp Half-Blood as storms usually did (Thank Olympus for weather wards).

Lightning flashed against the horizon, waves pounded the shore, but not a drop fell in our valley. We were protected again, thanks to the Fleece, safely sealed inside our magical borders.

Still, my dreams were restless. I heard Kronos taunting me from the depths of Tartarus.

Polyphemus sits blindly in his cave, young heroine, believing he has won a great victory. Are you any less deluded? The Titan's cold laughter filled the darkness of the cavern.

Then my dream changed. I was following Tyson to the bottom of the sea, into the court of Poseidon. It was a radiant hall filled with blue light, the floor cobbled with pearls. And there, on a throne of coral, sat my father, dressed like a simple fisherman in khaki shorts and a sun-bleached T-shirt. I looked up into his tan weathered face and sea-green eyes, all older, but still looking just like me, and he spoke two words: Brace yourself.

I woke with a start.

There was a banging on the door. Grover flew inside without waiting for permission. "Allie!" he stammered. "Luke... on the hill... he..."

The look in his eyes told me something was terribly wrong. Luke had been on guard duty that night, protecting the Fleece. If something had happened— I ripped off the covers, my blood like ice water in my veins. I grabbed a piece of Ambrosia from my secret stash, then threw on a hoodie over my sports bra and pajama pants and shoved on the closest pair of slip-on shoes (which happened to be Gucci slides), while Grover tried to make a complete sentence, but he was too stunned, too out of breath. He wasn't making any sense.

"She's lying there... just lying there..."

Who was she? The only thing I could think was that a new camper must have arrived, deathly injured by the sounds of it.

I ran outside and raced across the central yard, Grover right behind me. Dawn was just breaking, but the whole camp seemed to be stirring. Word was spreading. Something huge had happened. A few campers were already making their way toward the hill as fast as they could, satyrs and nymphs and heroes in a weird mix of armor and pajamas. I spotted Will and his younger sister Kayla Knowles, gripping a box of medical supplies and a quiver of arrows between them as they struggled up the slope.

I heard the clop of horse hooves, and Chiron galloped up behind us, looking grim.

"Is it true?" he asked Grover.

Grover could only nod, his expression dazed.

I tried to ask what was going on, but Chiron grabbed me by the arm and effortlessly lifted me onto his back. Together we thundered up Half-Blood Hill, where a small crowd had started to gather.

I expected to see the Fleece missing from the pine tree, but it was still there, glittering in the first light of dawn. The storm had broken and the sky was bloodred from the rising sun. The color made me queasy, as I remembered an old phrase one of my directors had often spouted. Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky in morning, sailor's warning.

"Curse the titan lord," Chiron said. "He's tricked us again, given himself another chance to control the prophecy. He's given himself a backup plan."

"What do you mean?" I asked fearfully.

"The Fleece," he answered me in a grim tone of voice. "The Fleece did its work too well."

That was, as you may have guessed, completely unhelpful. We galloped forward, everyone moving out of our way. There at the base of the tree, a girl was lying unconscious. Luke was pale-faced and dressed in Greek armor as he knelt next to her. He didn't glance back as we cantered up to the group.

"My gods," he was muttering repeatedly. "My gods. My gods."

My instinctual fear caused blood to roar in my ears. I couldn't think straight. What had happened? Was Luke hurt? Was the Fleece still there? Still undamaged?

The tree itself looked perfectly fine, whole and healthy, suffused with the essence of the Golden Fleece.

"It healed the tree," Chiron said, his voice ragged. "And poison was not the only thing it purged."

Luke finally looked away from the girl at the sound of Chiron's voice. When he saw us, he ran to Chiron. "It... she... just suddenly there..."

His eyes were streaming with tears uncharacteristically, but I still didn't understand. I was too freaked out to make sense of it all. I leaped off Chiron's back and ran toward the unconscious girl. Chiron said: "Allie, wait!"

I knelt by her side. She had short black hair and freckles across her nose. She was built like a long-distance runner, lithe and strong, and she wore clothes that were somewhere between punk and Goth— a black T-shirt, black tattered jeans, and a leather jacket with buttons from a bunch of different bands.

She wasn't a camper. I didn't recognize her from any of the cabins. And yet I had the strangest feeling I'd seen her before...

"It's true," Grover said, panting from his run up the hill. "I can't believe..."

Nobody else came close to the girl.

I put my hand on her forehead, trying to use my rudimentary first-aid skills to assess her. Her skin was cold, but my fingertips tingled as if they were burning.

"She needs nectar and ambrosia," I said. She was clearly a half-blood, whether she was a camper or not. I could sense that just from one touch. I didn't understand why everyone was acting so scared. I shot a scathing look at the medics, who were as frozen as everyone else.

Breakdowns are for later people. Not when there's someone in desperate need of medical aid lying unconscious in front of you. Gods! Well, if none of them were going to help, I would.

I took her by the shoulders and lifted her into a sitting position, resting her head on my shoulder. Then I pulled out the small piece of ambrosia from my pocket. I pinched her nose to make her open her mouth, popped in the ambrosia, and massaged her throat to make her swallow. For a moment, nothing happened.

Then the girl took a shaky breath. She coughed and opened her eyes.

Her irises were startlingly blue— electric blue.

The girl stared at me in bewilderment, shivering and wild-eyed. "Who—"

"I'm Allie," I said, keeping my tone soothing like I was talking to Nessa's little half-brother, or one of the camp's younger kids (usually about five to seven, but there was a four-year-old son of Apollo who had come after his mother's death. I'll give Apollo this, he made certain that none of his children ended up in the foster system). "You're safe now."

"Strangest dream..."

"It's okay."

"Dying."

"No," I assured her. "You're okay. What's your name?" That's when I knew. Even before she said it. I had seen those eyes before, not just in a picture and I had heard that voice before too. "Wait."

The girl's blue eyes stared into mine, and I understood what the Golden Fleece quest had been about. The poisoning of the tree. Everything. Kronos had done it to bring another chess piece into play— another chance to control the prophecy. If I died or he couldn't find a way to control me, he had a backup plan.

Even Chiron, Luke, and Grover, who should've been celebrating this moment, were too shocked, thinking about what it might mean for the future, and the war. And I was holding someone who was supposed to have died seven years ago in my arms.

"I am Thalia," she said, unaware of the turmoil she was about to cause the world. "Daughter of Zeus."

* * *

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SERIES M.LIST | MAIN M.LIST | TIPS

#asaeato #a story as endless as the ocean #alliejackson #female percy jackson #lukecastellan #lullie #trinitymia

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nancydrewwouldnever · 1 year

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I'm going to send this to my four favorite Chris blogs. If you don't want to post this- that's ok. I wanted to offer some advice.

I'm a Seb girl- been a fan of his since the Covenant. I've been through Margarita, Ellie, Ale, Annabelle, all his supposed hookups, all his confirmed hookups and everything in between. Believe me I've seen and heard some shit from that fandom and from Seb himself.

I used to love when he would appear on ig. But I could see the slow deterioration of his mental sanity during lockdown.

I was on furlough when Seb showed up in Spain 7/4/2020. Believe me I was livid. I was spitting venom. What the fuck was he thinking? He just called spring breakers in Miami dumb fucks not two months earlier. And he's in fucking Spain!

We immediately got boat picks of Ale (while I cannot fucking stand her- I will not use the name what was popular for her at the time.) And the fandom had a melt down. Where was our sweet Sebastian? The one who championed staying home? The one who did a bunch of interviews, donated PPE to a hospital, read I love you to the moon and back and spoke about nearly poisoning himself and mustard chicken?!

Then there was another pap walk in Spain. Ale began to bait in her stories and then she showed up in NYC for, you guessed it, another pap walk.

Long story short- it was meltdown after meltdown. Ale's baiting never let up and Seb seemed to be on constant vacation with her when he wasn't actually working.

For a long list of reasons I will not list here it was proven Seb and Ale were PR. And they lasted nearly two years.

I see a lot of the same thing happening in Chris's fandom right now. Yes he is just as responsible for this as Alba (just like Seb was as responsible as Ale was). And it seems, especially with the Disney trip, that the fandom may implode again.

Please listen to a fandom veteran and one who still had ptsd from Seb and Ale- it will all be ok. I know it doesn't seem like it but it will be.

You're in the thick of it now. Just remember this is all bullshit and they will go through great lengths to make you believe this is true. Just try to not let it get to you which is easier said than done (the amount of panic attacks I had between the Seb/Ale actions and the vitriol of the fandom was insane!)

Take care of yourself. Please try to remember that nothing that happens with Chris/Alba will have any effect on you in the real world. Your life will still go on and you will still have things you need to do.

And, since I've seen a few of these questions around I'm going to say my opinion on this, I think it's ok if you're still a fan. Is Chris being an ass now? Fuck yes he is. So was Seb. Does that make him a bad person? I don't think so. He's human and no one is perfect no matter what his image says.

Just try to focus on the good things, don't sweat the small stuff. Remember if she shows up at Disney (God forbid!) It's not the end of the world. Just laugh at the stupidity of it all.

One day this will be behind us and we can thirst in peace again.

I'll still be lurking to see how this plays out. I'm sending good vibes that everything is done a hell of a lot quicker than Seb/Ale. I'll be around if anyone needs some advice!

Good luck fandom! I'm rooting for you!

Thank you for this, Anon! I love other perspectives.

But, wait... you're telling me Chris and Seb both went to European countries on the same day, July 4, 2020, to do papwalks? Wow, I guess that really was CAA at work.

(July 4, 2020, is literally the Lily James hotel papwalk.)

#ask

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sekritjay · 2 years

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I'm uh.... back. I didn't really leave I guess... at any point between before and after my last post if I'm being honest, which you may have seen if I popped up in your notifications liking a random post out of the blue because I fat-fingered and then hastily unliked a post on my mobile. So what happened?

Well nothing, frankly. After my dog copped it I didn't expect things to get any worse but they did anyway, and they did in ways I could never have imagined - Covid did a number on the business but in a way that to my egocentric ways seemed at times to specifically target me

Literally from the moment de Pfeffel declared a lockdown I was run ragged every single fucking day. Coupled with the fact that I had to put my entire staff on furlough meant that for the next two years I was doing double the work for two-thirds of the money, with a 20% premium added to everything I had to buy on top. Before the pandemic I had a migraine maybe every other month. During the pandemic it was every other day and even today I get migraines on the regular

And of course people died. Three family friends passed away and none of them from covid - sepsis, cancer and car accident. And I never saw them the entire time, not even at a funeral. All I could do is... get back to work, because I was facing yet another night of doing more work for less money

Shamefully my default response during that time wasn't despondency - it was in fact through extreme temper flare ups, shifting from apathy to explosive anger from even innocuous questions

And now business is on a downturn. Right when my energy bills are skyrocketing. Two months ago I was paying £1,500 a month for electricity, my next bill? £3,500

And I don't derive any pleasure from doing what I loved. If anything, I do those things just to distract myself from what I should be doing but can't seem to face. Even a post like this, which had been sitting uncompleted in my drafts for two months. Because I couldn't bare to face it. Because I honestly felt shame from even voicing it on the internet, in a public sphere. Because it felt like I had lost the ability to meaningfulyl socialise. I haven't even spoken to my real life friends in three years, let alone people on tumblr

I finally managed to get a mental health review a couple of months ago, thinking that it was ADD. Couldn't even get that right - I've been diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and prescribed sertraline

I'm still not sure if it's *improving* my situation on a personal level as I don't feel any different. Outwardly maybe - anger flare ups stopped happening even when under pressure but no-one seemed to notice. I haven't told my family I'm on antidepressants but they haven't said anything. And I guess it's nice that I don't have intrusive thoughts any more, something which my doctor said that despite everyone getting them, the frequency I was having them was a cause for concern

The fact is though is that the circumstances that lead to depression haven't gone away - I would say that have in fact gotten worse but I don't see any way I can change it in the short term. I'm still doing 60 hours, 7 days a week. I still can't pay myself. I still can't get the fresh start I desperately want

And I still can't sleep properly at night. Plus ca change

#i've got more to say later on #i kinda need to split this post #post quality = 0 #also wow when did tumblr change the ui

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battingonjakku · 2 years

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happy pride month y'all

this time last year I was just settling into using queer as a label, and I guess finding my feet/finding self acceptance after a many years of going 'am I this? no, I'm straight, of course I am'.

ig I'd always known my experience of attraction wasn't heterosexual, but I couldn't pin down what or how or when...and maybe I still can't, but you know what...being queer is freeing, and finally it makes things make sense. it's broad and unique all at once, and it's me.

anyway I thought of all this as I took a banging selfie on this day a year ago, posted it with a happy pride message, and it's me being happy in my identity

and in the year since I've come a long way. I was very tentatively poking at the Gender Question at that point, first a trickle, then a flood. I went off furlough, or rather onto part time furlough a few days later, and I think there was the experience of being perceived by lots of people for the first time in a long time that brought it more into focus as well.

a lot of things make more sense now. and there's still lots to make sense of. but I guess once again, I've found a label that frees me in nonbinary, that's broad and unique for every person, and for me. there's days I struggle, but days where it's good. and there's lots of thoughts and feelings that sure, I still can't express, but I've never been able to express feelings anyway so.

and whilst I'm a long way from being out of the closet, I'm a lot further than I was before. I've changed my pronouns, and it feels damn good when they're used. I'd like to be out more but it's a long road, innit

I've learnt a lot about myself, and I'll continue to do so

so yeah, soppy post and whatnot, but I was reflecting and it spilled out

#i mean i dont count new days til ive woken up on them #but the feelings popped out now #gender/sexuality fuckery #random personal shit

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withthingsunreal · 4 years

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uuugghhhhh

uuuggggggghhhhhhhhhh

#uuuugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i'm getting laid off #in the weirdest possible way just btw #basically my position is SCHEDULED to be eliminated in NOVEMBER #so for now i'm?? furloughed i guess???#i'm not actually fired for another two months #make sense of that one for me #like.........#i'm trying to see it as an opportunity #bc lockdown really drove home for me that like #labour for someone else's profit just makes me Angry #maybe i can find accounting work with a charity or something #i don't know #but it feels Bad y'all!#just feeling uncertain and anxious #gonna scream into the carpet for a few days brb

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theot3rulesofhyrule · 4 years

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Sooo I was scrolling through Tumblr and came across THIS POST and... needless to say, I was inspired. This is probably the cleanest digital art (and art in general) I have done in EONS... and the entire time I used my mouse. I had more to add/do, but had to stop because it's just about 7am as I'm adding this, and it's def good enough. For some reason my left hand (usually the one I use) feels clumsy and incorrect to write/do things with lately. It's very strange as it's never happened before, however... using my right appears to have been exactly what I needed!! Thank goodness for being ambidextrous!!! There are times I wonder if I really am because I use my left so heavily... but right feels right lately (pun intended). :3

Thanks @savvyzelda

#twili #headcanons accepted #doodle #digital doodle #gods it's so weird to use this tag...#it's been so long...#my art #I know there's so much more I wanted to do.. but I need to go to bed #these night audit shifts are going to be hard to get out of now that I'm done with them #whoops #i'm very pleased with it #all I need is a little alone time ^^'#Tevie told me today she wished I would draw more/again and I told her why I struggle/can't #I have this thing where I HATE to be watched.. even more I cannot stand to be interrupted #most people can step away from a piece and come back to it and keep going #I cannot. it's one and done- or done enough- and If i'm broken out before i'm ready it'll never get done #hate that. gives me such anxiety. and guess who hasn't had time alone in months?!#yep. is me. with lon furloughed and peeps taking time to stay home... i'm needed/botherd so often #I cry... BUT THE STARS ALIGNED!! BEHOLD THE FRUITS!! lol #seriously... thank you savvyzelda. beautiful work you have. it was just what I needed #sorry for rambling everywhere!! still can't seem to shut up/get to the point ^^'#but enjoy!!#I certainly did!!

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the-voice-of-night-vale · 4 years

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#how to contain my frustration when my boyf whom i love a whole lot is very very upset bc theres a possibility i guess that #i won't get a relief check and he definitely won't bc the government is idiotic #when i said i would buy him a computer with my loan return so i could get it for him sooner rather than later #but now i'm waiting until i know for sure i guess and he's pissed off bc he has to wait idk how long and it just..#idk i'm frustrated bc 1. anyone being upset around me is frustrating nowadays bc i can't cope w things rn #and 2. like....... idk he wouldn't get it for ages n ages anyway bc the shipping sucks rn #nd i WANT to buy it for him but i don't really want to spend that much money when i'm furloughed from work but i have money and it's a gov #relief check i won't really need but #idk i'm just frustrated and i want to comfort him but idk how and i don't want to snap at him but it's frustrating #stfu ash #the queen of trash has spoken

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fighterkimburgess · 3 years

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Hailey Upton for the character game

Ooooof.

Why I like them - She's always on the side of the victim, trying to get them what they need.

Why I don’t - She doesn't mind going across the lines, even when it's going to end up a bad thing.

Favorite episode (scene if movie) - I loved her in 8x04, we just learned so much about her.

Favorite season/movie - ...Again this is gonna seem ridiculous, but s6. The growth she had in that season, about what she could do, how she could handle relationships, I love it.

Favorite line - "Maybe we should talk right now." That moment when she's working out how to end things with Adam. She trusts him, she probably loves him as much as she can love anyone at that point, but she's still terrified of ending things. And she's so timid until he proves he's ok. I just...romantic upzek is awful, but their friendship gives me so much joy.

Favorite outfit - The chunky red and black plaid. It's just so gorgeous.

OTP - upstead I guess? I mean, I like them together, don't get me wrong, but I'm not as big a fan of them as other couples in OC.

Brotp - Platonic upzek. Platonic only.

Head Canon - She nearly turned down Intelligence when Voight offered her Erin's spot. She thought everyone in the unit - particularly Jay - would blame her for Erin leaving. She and Kim got lunch together the first week Kim was back from furlough, and it helped her decide to stay.

Unpopular opinion - ooooh boy but I've said this before so gonna say it again. Hailey Upton isn't some innocent precious who Voight corrupted. Did he probably make her more comfortable going outside the lines? Yes, definitely. But from when she was there temporarily in s4 she was willing to lie for the unit, to cross lines where needed. Voight sending her to New York was his attempt to make sure she didn't become him, because he knew she wouldn't be able for it. He's not going to let her take any fall for Walton's death.

A wish - that she gets therapy. Oh please, for the love and honour, get the woman therapy.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen - don't open s9 with upstead engaged. Look, if they're engaged in 9x01 they're going to split up by 9x11. They both need to make sure they're sure, and Hailey needs to have her head together before such a big decision is made.

5 words to best describe them - devoted, concerned, vulnerable, grey, caring

My nickname for them - I don't have one.

#cíara answers #ask games #actually mildly worried about this one tbh

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krumbine · 3 years

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It's time for a reboot.

As it turns out, I do this a lot -- literally, resetting my life after things have stopped making any sense. I'm 36 and twice-divorced -- it's hard to have a more significant reset than that, my friends.

It's been 18 months of this pandemic. 18 months that have seen a furlough, layoff, extended unemployment, shitty job interviews, the best job I've ever had, and the most professionally-creatively fulfilled I've ever felt.

It's been 18 months and I feel like I'm a different person. Which means it's time to take stock, re-assess, and reboot.

Because the thing is, I'm tired of apologizing.

I'm tired of apologizing for wanting to be safe.

I'm tired of apologizing for having the means -- remote work, good pay, and little life responsibilities -- to stay safe.

I'm tired of apologizing for living in Florida, home of the Freedumb Fighting Antivaxx, Antimask Covid-Denying Patriots who Vote Against Their Own Best Interests Even if it Kills Them (and Especially When it Does Kill Them). The COVID story in Florida is like a vinyl record with a DeSantis-sized scratch straight through it. We're repeating the same horrible events over and over and over again but Floridaman thinks the record scratch is just an intentional part of the beat.

I'm tired of apologizing for Florida, but this is where I am. This is where I own my house, and -- guess what?? -- this is where I have the means to stay cautious and safe, despite my governor's persistent, insistent attempts to murder all of his constituents through shit public health policy.

I'm tired of apologizing to work, family, and other insignificant strangers -- no, the petri-dish of infection rates and the capacity-breaking hospital system does not leave me comfortable stepping out of my bubble. Two shots of Pfizer is not a biohazard suit-of-armor when the rest of Floriduh's residents are practically spitting in each other's mouths.

(My general rule of thumb: when the transmission and hospitalization rates are low-to-insignificant, then it's safe out. What's the point of risking infection -- or literally anything else -- if you won't be able to receive the care you need at a hospital?)

I'm tired of apologizing. So I think I'll stop.

Here's the pattern: new circumstances are introduced (job, significant other, pandemic), I learn and adapt, I get comfortable in the new routine, and then I slowly find my way back to the important things.

For me, those important things have always been personal creative work that satisfies my soul.

That's the pattern, now here's the reboot: life either supports the creative premise or it doesn't. If it doesn't, fuck it (within all reason).

'tis the Season

Devilmas runs from October 1 through December 31. It's about the family you choose, zombies and horror films, getting drunk, high, and happy, and doing creative shit for yourself.

It's the anti-holiday season.

It's also the perfect time to reevaluate what's important and who you want to be.

In other words ... it's the perfect time for a reboot.

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Along with no longer apologizing for having the means and the desire to not get COVID, here are the top three things I think about when reevaluating, dismantling, and rebooting my life.

Less is more.

I've already gone through several phases of minimalism, and mentally, I don't hold onto very much. I've lived in tiny houses and trailers, even though that home I'm not apologizing for has four bedrooms and is nearly 2,000 square feet. (There are still random drawers in the kitchen that are just ... empty.)

My brain is wired for minimalism, but it's not always at the forefront. A reboot is an excellent opportunity to recenter that priority. And while I'm not planning on downsizing my house or anything in it, I do have one exception to minimalism. This fervent and unapologetic tech fetish can definitely be put in check.

Minimalism helps me refocus from:

"Oooh, shiny new gadget!" to:

"Pay off the car. Pay off the house. This is the way."

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More or Less

The last 18 months have been a strange tug-of-war with productivity (this will tie into my third point below). While unemployed, I doubled down on my personal creative work, mainly focusing on writing (adapting, rewriting, and polishing novellas, writing a mess of short stories, developing and writing a few drafts of a feature film for a friend).

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Of course, when you're unemployed (as well as when you're freelancing), you're never really "off". This means that even though I hadn't worked for a year, it was still one of the most overworked and stressful times of my life. You know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, see above -- I'm not apologizing anymore, especially to people who simply lack the experience or the imagination (or the empathy) to be reasonable.

My point here is that, in the grand scheme of life, I wanted to find a space where I was okay doing nothing. Fuck productivity and just chill, literally at 100%.

And let me tell you: it's fucking hard. Maybe not impossible, but definitely hard.

Now here's the plot twist (more or less). The task of giving myself permission to do nothing is carefully balanced with an inexplicable kind of inner peace. It's literally a quieted mind and soul -- something that I only discover when lost in a meaningful piece of creative work.

This got me thinking that perhaps the illusion of productivity isn't so bad. (Obviously, this isn't a blanket statement. A lot depends on the person you are and if you struggle with our society's fetishization of productivity. If that's you, then please take this section with an appropriate serving size of salt.)

Productivity doesn't matter as much as how my chosen activities feed my soul.

Work is work is work, but if I can prioritize creative art that helps me lose myself for hours at a time, well, maybe that is being productive. Or maybe it's just doing what makes me happy.

Finally, nothing matters. Finally.

This is always the most valuable part of any reboot since it's foundational and spans all other concepts.

In 36 years, I've learned the hard way how to be a pretty chill human, but things still get to me. At work -- that best job I've ever had? -- frustrations still mount. At home, when something insignificant disrupts the status quo.

But the truth is that nothing actually matters. And that perspective helps put frustrations into their place.

We're all just a speck of dust hurtling through the cosmos on another speck of dust, and -- statistically speaking -- when compared to an infinitely expanding universe, humanity doesn't even exist.

Nothing matters.

Except for the things that do matter. Which is whatever the fuck I want those things to be. Because nothing actually matters.

Talk about life hacks that matter.

Cheers, motherfuzzers.

#Youtube #life #blog #creativity

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jules-hoard-of-stuff · 3 years

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Stuff about working at a call center from home you probably need to know.

Okay, so I noticed that a lot of people don't know like. How this stuff works, and it might help people be a little kinder to us in the long run. Please, take these into account.

1. We arent allowed to say "our systems arent working". We arent allowed to say "I'm sorry, but I cant help you right now, can I call you back once I have the issue resolved?" We arent allowed to tell you what's actually gone wrong with your account or product or whatever. We are supposed to fix that without telling you, to seem 'professional.' Odds are, if your call center worker that you're speaking to is not giving you a straight answer, it's because we're literally scrambling to find your answer within 2 minutes or less.

2. We work with 50 billion systems a day, all of which tend to lag, a shitty softphone system that doesn't even warn you before picking up any calls, so much information that we take the equivalent of a college course from 2 weeks to 3 days, and guess what? Sometimes a campaign, the place we work for? It might be temporary. My campaign lasted for a week, and they're already furloughing me again. This is my second campaign. I may not get paid for two more weeks.

3. When we put you on hold, we may be transferring you to someone else so they can help. We may be looking up general information in a database to give you the right info. We may be finishing up a call wrap up we couldnt tell you about. We may be fixing a tech issue that we couldnt tell you about. But what we AREN'T doing is just sitting there twiddling our thumbs. Hold time is crunch time.

4. We arent allowed to get up to go to the bathroom unless we log that time and subtract it from our paid breaks(which arent very long).

5. Us fumbling on our words happens. Please don't think it's because we don't know what we're talking about, it's because we've talked to fifty other people that day.

6. We know you hate the long drawn out authorizations some of us have to read for legal purposes. We hate it even more than you, I PROMISE.

7. If we seem to cut you off or constantly steer the conversation back to the task at hand when you just wanna talk about your grandson for a minute? We literally cant make small talk. It's against the rules. So please don't tell at us for 'not being interested', we literally cant respond without the quality team's breathing down our backs.

8. Some of us work full 40 hours, but only get part time benefits because they don't employ us constantly. Back to the bullshitty furlough thing.

9. We are not allowed to hang up. We are not allowed to hang up. We are not allowed to hang up. No matter what. We cant hang up on you. We just can't. Even if you curse us out, even if you use slurs, even if you keep us on the call for 20 minutes trying to make a sob story so we will step over the web of red tape we ourselves have to follow, I cant. Hang up. On you.

10. Most of us are panicking 90% Of the time because something goes wrong, and we literally cant tell you. For some godforsaken reason, we arent allowed to tell you that we can call you back when we get our systems fixed. We have to fix the systems within a 3-5 minute call hold.

11. I'm sorry if we sound like robots. If we don't sound chipper, the quality team docks us points. I wish I could sound more genuine, I really do.

12. I get really really sad when I have to tell someone in such a roundabout way that I cant help them with something that's super important, usually because my systems go down sometimes. I get really sad when I can't actually help someone, and i promise we arent as detached as we sound.

13. FIND A QUIET PLACE TO HAVE YOUR CALL PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I cant help you if I cant hear anything or if your kids are screaming or your dog is barking in the background. If I ask you to repeat things 15 times, it's probably because the feedback is bad.

14. Even if there are some good calls somedays where everything is smooth and easy,

This job isn't worth it. It really isn't. It sucks.

#vent #confessions of a call center worker

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lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers · 4 years

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What do you feel is going to happen in the UK over the next, I guess maybe six months? I feel things will be reopened, people will go back to work and a lot will stop focusing on the social issues brought so prevalent this last few months, we'll have another wave of covid though I'm unsure if we'll have another lockdown. I'm so anxious, all the people who "can't wait to get back to normal" freak me out as the normal has been proved awful. I don't want to feel so disheartened.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure I have much to reassure you, anon.

I think if the first 6 months of 2020 have taught me anything, it’s that I can’t predict where things are going to go. Who would have known when we were watching the fires in Australia on New Years Eve that we would be in the middle of a global pandemic, with people considering police abolition as a realistic political option?

The one thing we do know is coming is Brexit- despite what they say, I do think Boris and co do know that Brexit has the potential to be an absolute economic disaster- so they can’t let coronavirus crash the economy beforehand. That’s part of the reason we’re seeing an economy led exit from lockdown, rather than one led by human need and compassion.

I do think that we won’t just return to normal- social distancing in shops, schools and workplaces will be the norm. Indoor mass gatherings will be rare and not happen at all. Lots of people will see out the next six months working from home. Some people are “desperate for it all to be over”- I think lockdown has been much harder on those who don’t use the internet as much. However, the blame for a second wave has to be structural.

Unfortunately, especially as the furlough scheme winds up, we will see more and more people losing their jobs. When people have very immediate concerns about putting food on the table, social distancing and self isolation will be secondary. “Test, track and trace” won’t work effectively in these circumstances.

So, I do think unfortunately it is possible there will be a second wave. I think it will ramp up far more slowly than the first wave, and the impact will unfortunately be felt in the autumn, just as we are moving into the winter flu season. I think if death rates start to spike again, there may be public will for another lockdown. If other countries also have a second wave, and lockdown, this will help too.

The most optimistic outlook is that we somehow lose Boris Johnson as Prime Minister- either through ill health, or because the 1922 committee can no longer bear his incompetence. If we had someone in charge who was willing to make tough decisions and see things through to the end, it might be possible to get an effective track and trace scheme up and running, and keep the number of cases low over the winter. Unfortunately, I don’t think any of the current clowns are capable of that.

I’m sorry if you wanted optimism, anon- things are really scary right now, and you’re unfortunately right to be scared. Depending on your own circumstances, you should do what you can to minimise risk to yourself and others. Stay safe as best as you can.

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nomand-berserka · 4 years

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A little openly honest abridged intro in to me and dealing with my head and my black dog.

I am the newly appointed Team Leader for West Yorkshire with the guys at Veterans Hike. @veteranshike

Ive found a love for hiking over the past few months, since this crazy lockdown here in the UK.

I have struggled a lot over the years since leaving the Army, still dont feel like I fit into the bracket called Civvie. I know that may sound a little cliche. But it is exactly what it is.

I joined the forces straight from school. There was nothing for me where I lived, and with a long proud military history in my family, I felt it's what I'd always wanted and knew in my early to mid teens, that I'd join up.

I felt I did pretty well, considering pretty much everyone I knew, thought that I wouldnt even make it past selection. Well I pissed on their parade let me tell ya.

I'm not going to go into the ins and out of my career. But the tours I did, were SFOR (peacekeeping) Bosnia 98 and Op Agricola Kosovo 99.

Now with that, I've seen some pretty fkd up stuff at the ages of 18 and 19.. But you crack on and get the job the done. Get back home and continue as normal.

Now upon leaving the Army, I felt very lost. Ended up going from job to job, due to not being able to fit in with or liking the people I worked with. Often getting pushed out because of having a different mindset... This turned into a serious dislike for people in general. There was no bond, no brotherhood, everyone out for themselves and didnt care who they fkd over to get what they wanted.

This became the time I started with the heavy drinking and the stupid violence, infact the drink and the violence became the reason I lost my family and almost ended up 6 feet under.

The violence continued, as I just hated everyone... for lots of different reasons. This then led to me serving time on a couple of occasions. But it still continued after being locked up... I didnt see it as a problem, as I just thought "I wont take peoples shit", and I'll show anyone who tries to give me shit. That it will lead to getting hurt. Jump forward to being left for dead with 2 stab wounds... Yes it got that bad. Maybe I was asking for my way out?

Jump forward a year or so of living a dark time.

Its then i got into martial arts (Muay Thai under the tutilage of master Ronnie Green 5 time world champion), a friend of mine didnt want to see me locked up again. Or with more perforations than a "Tetley Tea bag". This became my drive again, I'd found something I could focus on and put myself, my whole self into again.

First session in, I was hooked. Had my first full contact fight at just over 6 months and had plenty thereafter, still have the copy of my official invite to the 2013 world championships. This was my crowing glory moment... This is where I'd found the focus to not be that drunked violent ass hat. My fitness went through the roof and I felt good again for the first time in years

Injury got me though, put me right back to not being able to train. Even ended my career, I tried to train again, but way too soon. Causing myself more problems. Taking even longer to get back to 100%

My anger started to creep back, the bad food the drinking... and yes the violence. then jump again forward to going back to prison for a very violent episode in 2015. Where 2 people got badly hurt. I pleaded guilty. I tried to reach out for help before the day in court. But it was too little too late...

However, in prison this time in 2016 I asked for help. Where can i get it, and who can help me the most.. There was a small eager group called Care after Combat, they concentrate on helping Veterans, who are sent to prison. During and after release. (I'll go into them at a later date).

I've kept my nose clean since then, was officially Dignosed with PTSD in 2017, so done a few local therapy courses Anger Management, CBT but still no actual PTSD help as of yet. Combat Stress, I think may have forgotten about me hahaha.

But the thought of prison!!!! id rather not go back ever again. Plus I'm getting on now, and not a 25 year old dick head. Eith a chip on his shoulder about civvies anymore.

Jump forward again, to present Covid 19 times.

I'm a joiner now put myself through College 12 years ago. The outdoors have always agreed with me. But after a work accident last year in August I had 14 weeks sat at home gaining weight. Bordem drinking and eating shit and the head started to go again. But thankfully got back to work early December.

In March 2020 and we get Furloughed. For however long it may take.

So I gave myself THE talking to. Stay off the booze (well not completely hehe). Keep yourself busy. Find a focus in something, anything. Just dont he that dickhead again.

So here I am, I spend at least 3 days a week walking the Pennines and the moors between my beloved Yorkshire and the dark soggy lands of Lancahire. Its literally 20 minutes from my door to where I park the motor. My head still goes south, but more into the low mood and hating myself for allowing what I'd done in the past. I've had depression for years, but it was always over shadowed by my stupidity. So when it does that, i hit my local park and do 10 laps (8 miles) of that. Or just get my pack ready and hit the trails. Often doing around 15-20 miles.

Now I've started with a small Daystack and have started adding weight, carring 15kg. plus 3 litre camelback, food stuff and inclement weather gear. Its north of England the weather does what it wants. "If tha dunt lyk weather, jus bloody wait 20 minutes It'l change". hahaha.

Doing this has given me more drive in my fitness and massively boosted my mental state. Plus the escape from the rat race bollox that we all have to live through. More and more people have started to notice my weight loss. Down from 20 stone to just over 17 stone. Now I'm as round as I am tall, but for a fat lad I've been told I'm pretty fit... Guess all those years in the Army, years of Muay Thai and Kempo Jiu Jitsu. It must have left some form of conditioning and muscle memory. So this again boosts me. I'm now picking up the weights at home and even got a bike... so this new found fitness is a fantastic feeling again... it's not just about keeping busy anymore, it's about showing people. Who I'd alienated during all these years, that I'm not the same guy, and they are wanting to come on hikes with me now

(Its also pushed me to train for the 3 peaks... but that's another story for another time)

It's also the biggest Therapy I can give myself, sometimes I go it alone and sometimes I have company. The outdoors is literally where I feel at my easiest and most peaceful... The benefits are there for everyone who knows me, to see. Its physically demanding, but it's so peaceful. If I bump into other people, there is always a nod a smile and a "morning/afternoon" exchanged. Not all people are nob heads haha!

I cant stress enough how good it feels to keep occupied physically and mentally, buy doing something I never thought I'd do...

It's become my passion... I'm looking into longer routes all the time, and now looking at some proper outdoors gear. Better rucksack even a tent. If being up the hills for a few hours or just a day, makes me feel things are better. Then surely a couple of days and nights will be even better...Right?

I want to thank anyone who takes the time to reads this, however you see it. Be it on insta, Tumbler or FB. So cheers guys and gals.

We all have hardships, we all need that help at some point. Go out and find what makes it all better, please guys. We all deserve to smile for what ever reason.

Who knows, we may even cross trails someday. You'll always get a smile and a nod from me.

Steve

The Nomad Beserka

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rachelpink123 · 5 years

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When I called you today I really didn't expect you to pick up. I wasn't even gonna call you. Cause I'd figure you wouldn't pick up and that's something I didn't wanna leave over voicemail. The panic didn't set in until I left work... work kept my head busy from worrying. As you could probably tell my voice was shakey over the phone. I was scared shit less. Whether you realize it or not this little girl is my life. And when something felt off my whole world crashed. My world crashed when I fell. Harder than its crashed the multiple times you have left. I felt nothing but fear on my way to neenah. Trying to stay calm. Not only for the sake of my health but Kennedys. When they told me I had a contraction I freaked out. I'm 27 weeks I shouldn't be having that. Then it hit me hard on my way home balling in the back seat of my parents car. There was a couple who were their to deliver their baby. And it hurt. Knowing that's all I wanted was a full family not a split family. The father of my child to drive me to the E.R. not my mom or dad or friends that are willing too. I've wanted a full family from the time I first found out I was pregnant and to this day it still confuses me on how you could leave someone carrying your own blood and go act as a step dad to kids that aren't yours. It bugs me to even think of her being around Kennedy cause I don't want her negativity she gives me around my daughter... it also bugs me how it doesn't really seem like you want to apply for furlough. I thought for sure you would want to be there for the birth of your own daughter. Your mom and me had it all planned out about how it was gonna go down. And now I have absolutely no idea. And just so you know I did read your post. And from the pictures I've seen you guys seem really happy. You guys do things together which you would have never done with me. But I do see the fake smile. I see the forced smile in your face. the pain. Whether she does or not. I do. But I guess that's what knowing you for 6 years does. I can read you like an open book. Most of the time. In my option,which really means nothing at this time. I think you're moving to fast and you're trying to forget about things you have done wrong and push them down. You talked so much trash on her name. It just makes me wonder all the shit talking you're doing on mine. But again. I have no say. All I will say is you will never find someone who put your whole being above them selves. But maybe you will. Maybe we aren't right for each other but maybe we are and we are both young and dumb and to bull headed to figure it out. I will say though the way you ended things was messed up totally on your part. You don't know how many days and nights I sat up and thought about if you were really working or with her. If she was really blocked on everything or if that was another lie that came out of your mouth. The constant what ifs. I've finally settled those and put Kennedy and myself first for the first time in my life. But don't think what you did still doesn't get to me and how it fucks with me mentally. It's a constant wonder of why wasn't I good enough? Was I to much? Was I to independent? Did it scare him? All these questions. And not a single answer. But I'm done babbling. But on a serious note. get your ass to the doctor 🙄

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