#so honestly no matter how it ends up doing (and i'm anticipating a pretty bad turnout bc of the philosophy bits haha)

[calekinnieplus]

This looks like a fun idea, so here goes! :

What do you think of this guy🙃?

Oh wow! Good character you chose there ahahaha! Roselle Gustav aka Huang Tao!

First impression

Honestly, I was floating in confusion at the start a bit, considering it was my first Chinese webnovel, so I had a period of readjustment to the writing style (or the translation ig?), so I didn't immediately connect the dots that Roselle was a transmigrator or that he's... kinda "dead" lol

Buuuut, once the dots connected, I did find him quite amusing! Bro's self-confidence gave me second-hand embarrassment, but not That bad. But also, Klein was bashing on him so hard, it was kinda hilarious.

I don't fully remember what impression I had of him, since I was reading pretty slow in the beginning and some ideas were lost, but overall, fun guy lmao

Impression now

Hilarious guy, a meme, a legend.

Yet...

Quite unfortunate that his end was just endless suffering (which will hopefully not be endless haha...). Bro made small mistakes in the beginning when he didn't know Anything, when he was transported to a world he didn't know anything about, forced to adapt and live a new life. I don't know, I find him tragic, just like Klein.

At least he had some good times along the road (especially with a demoness heh). The funny stories were nice to read.

Favorite moment

Basic, but his first talk with Klein. I mean, him meeting a fellow transmigrater and quickly having faith in him was sweet. I really wish to see more of them :>

If we're talking about the diary entries, I'd probably choose when... uhhh the corruption thing. Roselle going to the moon. And when he gazed into the Abyss. I remember how the diary entry abruptly cut off after dumping a lot of info and both Klein and I were Flabbergasted. What did it MEAN-!!

(I have a feeling I'm mixing up the moments, but the feelings remain. The confusion, the anticipation and the wonder from some diary entries were Amazing)

OH, and the last diary entry of course. It was so chill-inducing! It was one of those moments that answered a lot of questions while also bringing even MORE questions. It was just- the atmosphere full of fear and uncertainty, putting into question what that fellow transmigrator went through, wowie~

Idea for a story

Well, let me shuffle in the corner of my brain...

I've always been a fan of Time Travel AUs. So the idea of Klein (at a higher sequence but not Saint Level, maybe? Idk, a lot of possibilities here) travelling to Roselle’s time period and the two of them becoming best buddies (Roselle’s words, not Klein's. Klein's facepalming in the background at Roselle’s shenanigans).

Maybe! It could be a young god Mr Fool using his domain over Space and Time and having a misplaced adventure during Roselle’s time.

(We're pretending the Outer Gods and CW isn't as dauting of a problem as they are in canon, aye?)

Anyway, doesn't matter which version of Klein or during what time he's visiting, it's mandatory that he facepalms at least once :))

Unpopular opinion

Well, I don't know the popular opinions, so I'll guess I'll just go with an opinion.

I mean, he totally could've treated his wife better. I can understand feeling a disconnect with this world and humanity in general, but at least don't bring shame to her name by being a known womanizer, mm? At least divorce or smth, man. You overthrew the government, you could definitely do that.

Unless he actually did divorce her and we just don't know. But otherwise, yeah. Kinda dick move there, Emperor.

Favorite relationship

(Platonic, right?)

Again, basic but. Roselle and Bernadette.

The fact that Bernadette spent so much time searching for a father she was on dubious terms with and how much faith she had that he persevered against all odds.

The fact that Roselle’s one and only tie with this new world was his daughter, his beloved child that he loved with all his might. A child he shared a piece of his old world with. A child he remodeled this entire world's structure for. Absolutely heart-warming.

Favorite headcannon

Hmm let's see...

Huang Tao, as a young individual who surfs the internet, would know a lot of memes or jokes. After becoming Roselle Gustav, those memes aren't easily forgotten.

I mean, is it canon, actually? Maybe he made several Chinese meme references and I missed them lmao. That would be funny

Bonus: imagine Huang Tao and Zhou Mingrui bumped into each other one day, unaware that the next time they'll meet each other, it will be after more than 10 000 years, give or take. ...what's the timeline here?

#vertigone answers #lotm #lord of the mysteries #lotm spoilers #emperor roselle #roselle gustav #huang tao

[muzzleroars]

Cyrus was wrong for his methods and for depriving people of choice, but was he really wrong about much else? Life is painful. Most days you’re unhappy pretty much every second you’re awake, trying to enjoy yourself is a waste of time because you feel just as bad the second it’s over, and anything that does make you numb for more than an hour hurts your health. Emotions are important to make sure we survive and care for our young, but is it worth it? If Cyrus offered everyone the choice to join his perfect world, I think a lot of people would take it.

this is why i genuinely connected with cyrus in many ways tbh, because i saw the worst of my depression reflected in a character with desperation i could understand. in those times, all you want is safety, you want things to just stop, and your emotions get so bad you think, in fact, it would be better to trade both happiness and pain away. and when you're grieved (as i believe cyrus is), it brings out this constant, awful anticipation where you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. something terrible happened, and something terrible will happen again because now you've lost your sense of safety. it's wild how much that eats you up inside, and that's what i saw in cyrus - this guy is only in his 20s and he's just barely hanging on because he's been so badly hurt, he feels so alienated from his own emotions AND no one's ever been able to connect well with him (nor him connect with others) and like. OOF did i get that!!! at the end of the day, cyrus's motivation was literally just to see no more pain. he was done with all the hurt inflicted on both humans and pokemon, and i think you're right in saying many probably would actually see it his way because we've been hurt too, we've been in so much pain and so isolated that we understand this in a way some other people can't.

BUT i do just want to say i totally understand where you're coming from anon and i know life is hard, especially right now. my mental health has been suffering, i've been feeling my depression more and more, but i want you to know you're not alone in what you feel. honestly i'm so grateful we have characters like cyrus to connect with because it shows, through media, that someone else gets it - i've said over and over i'm a sucker for happy endings, which is why i'm so happy he got that in pokespe. cyrus has so much love in him (so much gratitude at being proven wrong!!! like!!!) and when it was recognized by shaymin, it hit me so hard i wanted to cry!! he gets to live, to take care of his team (his friends, really) and he gets the ending he actually deserved because there isn't truly evil in cyrus imo, just pain and desperation. so i want to hope we can be happy too, that life will get better, and i think that's absolutely true no matter how hard it can be to believe at times. i hope you can take good care of yourself anon <3

#SORRY if i got sappy but i know how you feel #that's why cyrus is one of my favorite characters like. #his whole internal struggle hits hard #and im really glad he gets development in extended media #bc he's a very interesting villain and its clear he could easily be redeemed #like it's hard to describe but im glad so many narratives connected to him acknowledge his pain #rather than demonizing him for that pain like so many other pieces of media seem to do with similar characters #cake answers #cyrus

[tngrace]

Letting Go Ch 9

I finally finished it. It’s long over due and this chapter is kinda eh, but it’s done. 

Links: Main Masterlist; Letting Go Masterlist; Letting Go on A03

They end up picking up a couple of pizzas before heading back to the hanger. When they pull in Bradley is confused by the extra vehicles that weren’t there when they left, but Mav only seems mildly surprised. “Uh… Dad? Who’s here?” Bradley asks as they get out. 

Mav grabs the pizzas and heads towards the hanger, tossing Bradley a look over his shoulder to come on. “How many of you are there?” he calls out, as Bradley catches up to him. 

“Nice to see you too Shortstuff.” Bradley stops in the hanger door at that; he knows that voice and in the next instant three of his uncles appear from around the plane. 

“You’ve been holding out on us again Maverick,” Wolfe grins, his hand appreciatively running down the side of the P-51. 

Mav snorts as Slider takes the pizzas from him, spreading them out on the coffee table. “I wasn’t expecting you lot or I would’ve grabbed more pizza.” 

“Yea well we figured we were due a visit.” The four of them turn to where Bradley still hasn’t moved. Wood shares a look with the other three before he wanders over to him thinking he might get a better reception than Slider. 

“Hey kid. You ok?” he asks, wrapping Bradley in a hug. 

Bradley seems to melt into it just like when he was a kid. “I uh… yea.. Yea of course. Just… like Mav wasn’t expecting to see everybody.” Honestly, he’s not sure what to expect. Just like Mav and Ice, he’d cut them all off at eighteen, and while he’d seen them at Ice’s funeral, he’d studiously ignored them. Mav felt like he was holding his breath watching Bradley with Wood. He wasn’t expecting anything bad, just knew his kid was emotionally raw after their visit, and he didn’t want anything to overwhelm him.

Slider squeezes Mav’s shoulder as they see Bradley making his way over. Wolfe and Slider both wrap him in hugs and then Bradley’s sinking into the couch next to Mav. He lets the conversation flow around him as he nibbles on some pizza. His earlier hunger is replaced with nerves once more. He feels Mav give his shoulder another squeeze as Wood and Wolfe argue over who should get to go up in the plane first once Mav’s done with the maintenance on it. He does his best to relax, but the anticipation of what his uncles might say is about to kill him. 

“Bradley,” Mav whispers, when the kid won’t relax. He turns to his dad and lets out an exaggerated breath, not wanting Mav to worry about him. “They’re not mad,” he murmurs. 

Bradley’s lip finds its way between his teeth and his gnaws on it pretty hard until Mav squeezes his shoulder again. “I know… It’s….” 

“I know… it’s been a rough go of it. But you’re ok.” 

He gives Mav a nod and lets out another deep breath before tuning back into the conversation swirling around them. After Slider carries the pizza boxes off, he settles on the couch on Bradley’s other side. He ruffles his hair before pulling him into a side hug; “You doing ok kiddo?” 

Bradley’s fingers twirl around each other as he thinks of how to answer. He lets out another deep breath before meeting his uncle’s eyes. “Not really. No,” he whispers. He feels another weight lift off him as he admits it to more people. 

Slider's arm stays around his shoulder, and he gives it a squeeze at that admission. "Mmmmm," he hums softly. "Anything we can do to help?" 

"Jus' been a rough couple weeks. And… I…. I owe all of you some apologies." 

"We're not here for that kid," Hollywood speaks up. 

Bradley looks around at the three of them and sighs softly. "Wood's right. We came to check on Shortstuff and you. That's it," Slider promises. 

"Doesn't matter. You deserve to hear it and to know I'm so sorry." He takes a shuddering breath, and Wood and Wolf move their chairs closer to the couch. "I…. I didn't get to tell Ice how sorry I was so I'm not going to miss this…. This chance." He meets all three of their eyes and swallows deep. 

"We know Bradley. It's all forgiven," Wolf says quietly. 

Slider pulls him closer into a hug and Bradley breaks. He thought he was all cried out, but apparently not. "Oh kiddo," Mav says softly, rubbing his back. He ends up surrounded by all of them and he feels safe for the first time in a while. 

"I'm gonna get us some drinks," Mav finally says once Bradley has settled down. He slowly pulls back from Slider and sinks into the couch. It's not until Mav's returned does Bradley say anything else. "I've…. I've been having nightmares," he whispers, staring down at his hands. "Been…. Been keeping d…d… dad from sleeping good." 

"Bradley…" Mav starts but cuts off when Slider holds up his hand. 

"I'm sure your dad doesn't mind in the least Gosling. You know he would do anything to help you," Slider says softly. 

Bradley swallows deep and nods. "He uh…. Yea. He's done a lot of self sacrificing for me. More than I deserve," he mumbles. 

"Hey now woah," Wolfe speaks up. They were all more than willing to listen, to let Bradley get out what he needed, but none of them could handle the self-deprecation coming from their favorite kid.

"It's true," he shrugs not meeting any of their eyes.

"No kiddo it's not." Wood squeezes his knee as Slider wraps an arm back around him. 

"How can you be so forgiving? I was awful to Mav. I was awful to all of you," he shouts, meeting their eyes finally. "You can't just excuse it away." 

Mav's hand settles on his shoulder giving it a squeeze. "We can and we have. I'll say it til you believe me Bradley. It's all forgiven and you can let it go. You're my kid, my world, and I’d do anything for you because I think you deserve it." 

"We all agree with Mav for once," Slider chuckles, hoping to break the tension in Bradley. "Bradley, we love you. You didn't just become Mav's kid. You're all of ours, and Ice would say the same. We'd do anything for you kiddo, just like any of the other kids." 

Bradley lets the words and presence sink into him, wraps himself in their proximity, and lets it soothe him. "I know. I just…"

"Take after your dad til we have to beat it into you that you deserve a family and love," Wolfe pipes up. 

"Hey!" Mav shouts in mock offense, getting unimpressed looks from the other three. It gets a laugh from Bradley though so they all count it as a win. 

They spend the rest of the night catching up, sharing about the mission, and just Bradley’s life in general. By the time it gets late, Bradley is thoroughly exhausted. He face plants into his bed and falls fast asleep. Mav watches from his doorway for a minute before he goes to deal with the other three. 

“B asleep?” 

“Yea. Passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.” 

“Where you want us Shortstuff?” Slider asks. 

“Huh?” 

“To sleep?” Wood asks like he thinks Mav has lost a few more brain cells. 

“You’re staying?” 

“Yep!” Wolfe grins. 

Neither of you have been sleeping well, and it’s time you both get some decent sleep and someone else help.”

Mav gives in easily, letting the other three know just how exhausted he is. He gives Wood and Wolfe the bed in the airstream, telling Slider he can have the couch or an air mattress, while Mav is gonna sleep with Bradley again. Once everyone is settled, Mav lays down and is asleep as fast as Bradley was. Things might not be perfect, there’s still a lot of healing and letting go to do, but they're on the right track. And with the flyboys family, they’ll be just fine in time.

#my writing #letting go fic #top gun maverick #tgm #tgm fic #top gun maverick fic #pete maverick mitchell #bradley rooster bradshaw #flyboys

[urlthatsumsmeup]

Okay, okay. Okay.

Is Marbles the „Conan is Ran & Shinichi‘s son“ AU? If so, please tell me a bit about it, because I feel it’s the one I know the least about so far.

If not, please tell me what that AU‘s title is and a bit more about it xD

3-9

🎉🎉🎉dingdingding🎉🎉🎉

that is, in fact, Marbles, and the premise is very much exactly that:

Conan is Ran and Shinichi's son(, also Ran and Shinichi are in the middle of divorcing, something a certain Phantom Thief is inappropriately happy about, and also who even his this Kaito guy Conan befriended anyway - actually no it doesn't matter, thank you so much for babysitting Conan, I'm late for work, call me if anything happens-)

Conan is, obviously, an actual seven-year-old in this, and while he is super smart, his moral compass is more of a spinning top toy, so he doesn't see anything wrong with befriending KID and hanging out with him on heists, much to Shinichi's chagrin.

It's honestly just supposed to be a silly KaiShin with bonus KID & Conan friendship! (Also I promise Shinichi is actually a Good Dad, he's just Very Stressed.)

The idea was born from....... just about every single DetCo Opening and/or Ending and is solidified by all those official artworks that have both Shinichi and Conan in them, haha

It's still very rough honestly because I like coming up with concepts more than I like trying to put together actual plots, but I actually really want to write it properly eventually (:

Here's a snippet I actually really like:

"...why are you doing this?" Shinichi asked, staring down at the glass between his hands.

Across the room, KID sighed - which wasn't actually the reaction he had anticipated.

"How would you like me to answer that?" KID asked back, and turned around to him. "If I lie and say I just pitied you, you'd feel bad. If I kind of lie and tell you I'm just a nice guy, you'll laugh. And if I'm honest and tell you that I really actually like you and won't get a chance to get to know you better if you drunkenly stumble off a roof and break your pretty head on the sidewalk, you won't believe me. So.” He gestured vaguely at nothing in particular. “Choose your own adventure."

KID turned away again, and from the way the muscles in his back worked under his shirt and his rolled-up sleeve strained to not just burst around his stupidly big biceps, Shinichi could vaguely guess he was pressing every single drop of juice from one of those oranges Ran and Sera had given him a few days ago.

Also the smell kind of gave it away, but Shinichi only very belatedly noticed that, anyway.

#needklainenow #hey thanks <3 #tag game #wip game #dcmk #kaishin

[forkaround]

Thai BL and Writing

Okay, so I have something to say.

Thai BL and Writing

I don't, even for a second think, that Thai BL has bad writing.

I'm mentioning this comment specifically because of what they talk about as the flaws - logic, consistency, character motivation or common sense.

I think where a lot of people trip up is thinking that when writers write a contemporary thing that it is set in the real world. Unless it is a true story (and even those aren't 100% factual. But then that's why you have documentaries), the world is built from the ground up even if it is a contemporary, seems like real life setting.

Now to break down the flaws -

Logic and Common Sense - I don't think these two should be applied to any piece of fiction let alone BLs. One reason is if character acted with 100% logic and common sense you most likely won't have most stories. And while on paper it sounds like a good idea it takes away humanity and honesty from any character. Also Logic and Common Sense are actually subjective. Everyone has had an experience where you thought something was obvious but the other person was completely oblivious to it.

What is to be focused on, in any piece of writing, is the themes, the story, what it makes you feel, if there is honesty in the characters (mind you, honesty and truthfulness are not the same thing.)

I think, many times, if someone comes from a different background they might not understand why someone did xyz. Especially true for Western Audiences trying to understand Asian Media as we saw with GAP. Another thing might be someone looking at a thing and going - this is not my world! Meaning that they, in their lives, in the subjective lives don't think that this is how the world works. And this is pretty common and understandable mistake to make.

The other two were - Consistency and Character Motivations.

The example they use is Bad Buddy. Honestly, I don't see it. I have other examples (Specifically from this year) - The Eclipse, Big Dragon, Kinnporsche, Secret Crush on You, Love in the Air, GAP, Not Me, Triage, My Secret Love, hell, even Unforgotten Night and Ai Long Nhai have those two things.

What I always say about this is do not apply real world ideals to fictional works. It's pointless and useless. You won't win. Writing isn't about checking boxes. Writing is about feeling things. SCOY and GAP, even UFN, are absurd pieces of media, and every step of the way you feel these characters. You're not supposed to understand / relate to them so that you can say 'I would do this same thing in the same situation'. That's antithetical to writing. It's antithetical to any form of art. I see this is YA Fantasy too. It's first person POV and there is this expectation that - I'm aka the reader, is the Main Character. This is solely a thing placed upon the character and writer by an inexperienced, often privileged reader. You're not supposed to sympathize. You're supposed to empathize.

I've talked about in general so far but...

This was under a NLMG complain post I made. If you follow me you would know I have no love lost for Never Let Me Go. I think it's badly written. Why? Because it breaks worldbuilding. Plenty of shows I mentioned before lose steam towards the end but they never lose the worldbuilding or themes and that is what matters.

For eg: The Eclipse. (Coz they are both GMMTV) There is one scene that exemplifies their losing steam the best. The Akk Ayan mutual Pin scene. It's not the content itself that shows this. It's that from whatever the previous scene was, they are suddenly in Akk's room, put pins on each other, they are somewhere else. Even something so short, that's anticipated since ep 1, still needs build up and fade out. Without it the whole thing feels jarring and out of place but thematically this was where it was always headed.

NLMG begins by treating the Mafia as a serious thing. Kit even chops a finger in from of his son. It's supposed to be serious. But as the episodes progress, especially once Tanya is shot. It's no longer so. Compare this to other Mafia involving BLs. - Kinnporsche, LITA, UFN. They are all tonally different to each other. You can't confuse one for the other. They all still treat Mafia with the seriousness it deserves. NLMG is much more serious compared to those three. It has an overall heavy vibe. But the Mafia is taken seriously only by Chopper.

That's all Watsonian. A little Doylism now: When anyone attaches the word Mafia to anything there is a weight the institution of Mafia carries. Everyone alive is aware of this. Thus it's absurd to have something that has a universal connotation and not delivering on it after you've established it in universe to have the same connotation as it does outside of it.

Thus,

Logic and Common Sense are not as objective as most people think.

Any individuals lived experience is not the same as another's and trying to make it so is foolish and a folly.

Thai BL has good writing. People just trip over what that means all the time. Eg: LITA's PayuRain part. '~It has not plot~'

Art is not meant to be a point by point checklist. It's sole job is to make you(the audience) feel.

You (a writer) can't take a commonly understood thing and throw what's inside away because you just want the aesthetic.

#writing #thai bl #thai bl meta #love in the air #kinnporsche #big dragon #mafia #unforgotten night #gap #secret crush on you #the eclipse #not me #triage #ai long nhai

[survivor-marieta-islands]

Tribal Council #3 - Antigua - Old School

Amy, it’s no secret there are a ton of pre-existing connections on this tribe – people who have worked together and against each other in the past. How does that come into play with dynamics in this game? Or is this a blank slate, so to speak?

pre-existing connections were brought up last vote and I think how it affects dynamics is probably different for each player. As much as I'd love everyone to agree on blank slates, I think subconsciously that's not completely possible. Generally speaking, we know most people have some type of history, good or bad, but I haven't figured out how everyone is playing it yet.

Colin, I have a simple one for you. Do you want this game to have a swap? Why or why not?

I do want a swap, yes. Keeps the game fresh and fun. I don’t want to go into merge without knowing anyone from the other tribe. In a game with a lot of pre existing connections, trying to break those barriers pre merge is essential. 

JG, the idol hunt in this game is clearly pretty complex and has layers of twists, turns, advantages, and disadvantages. How’s your luck been? And what have you heard from others?

I love me a Jay idol hunt. A Jay idol hunt doesn't love me. I didn't even realize there was coins or something until it was brought up publicly. I've barely heard it discussed except when our elevator collapsed so as normal it's just alot of interactions and discoveries that lead to dead ends. 

Jinx, has anyone in particular emerged as a shot caller on the tribe? Do you feel that people are working together or waiting for others to throw out names?

In the words of Britney Spears -- there's only two types of people in the world. The ones that entertain and the ones that observe. AND BABY, I'm a put on a show kind of girl, don't like the backseat -- gotta be first! #FreeBritney

Maddison, talk to me about loyalty. On a tribe of so many hardcore gameplayers, is that something you can honestly expect? Or does it matter more than ever?

It’s tough to say because I think it really depends on the individual. Some people might be more loyal as a strategy while others see flipping as the way to go. I think it’s naive to expect loyalty, but I do think it’s important, especially at this early stage of the game. 

Raffy, there is a classic ORG curse of going home near your birthday. Do you think that will come to fruition for you tonight? How do you feel about your position in the game?

I think that it won’t. I feel good with my tribe and hope they wouldn’t vote out someone so pretty 

Steven, after losing two challenges in a row, how’s tribe morale? Do you have a sense if people feel hopeful about future challenges or not?

I think despite losing the energy is still ultimately positive. We can still easily even up the tribes next round if we win the next immunity so I don’t see that is much of a problem for us. I can only talk about myself personally when it comes to future challenges but I’m optimistic that we a large array of skills that will help us in future challenges. Also I noticed that next round is a puzzle challenge and I’ve been waiting for 2 years to compete in another one so I’m excited for that in the near future.

Zo, last round ended up being a unanimous vote, much to everyone’s surprise. Do you anticipate tonight going the same why? Why or why not?

I don’t think tonight will be the same no. I think our tribe is, unfortunately for the folks at home, not very messy so I don’t believe there’s any one clear target tonight. I think we all wish it was that simple but alas, the olds are quiet and tired!

Ellie was not able to answer a tribal question this round and was excused.

Voting video here.

First Vote: Steven

You are worthy. You are golden.

Second Vote: JG

This may be dumb [no bottom text]

Third Vote: Steven 

"Hey Steven I could give you 50 reasons" (music)

Fourth Vote: Ellie

In the words of Bella Thorne, “TTYLXOX”

That’s two votes Steven, one vote JG, one vote Ellie, five votes left.

Fifth Vote: Steven

hope to play with u one day bby

Sixth Vote: Steven

Sorry bud. Cards weren’t in your favor this time 

Seventh Vote, and the next person voted out of Old School vs. New School: Steven

Here's a chef pun for you! Why did the short chef quit his job at the casino? He said the steaks were too high

Vote: Steven

I really wish we could have connected earlier in the game because you seem so cool but it just isn't the way the cookie crumbled this time unfortunately.

Vote: Steven

I’m really sorry! Following what I think the majority is tonight. :( 

[lil-kissy]

You know what I kinda wanna expand on that thought from my previous post about waiting.

Specifically how while I do fully agree with all posts I've seen that talk about being patient, Rping is a hobby and all that others stuff. 100%, support and agree everyone is more then allowed to take whatever time they need to respond.

Rp or otherwise I bet nearly every can understand how things like motivation can wax and wane, and even if you are interested in multiple things sometimes one thing grabs you more then others. Time not allowing you to do everything you want so you gotta sometimes pick and choose.

Basically a more extensive way of being told 'Be Patient'

I completely understand all of it and just about everyone else I've met and know in rpc are pretty well understanding and accepting of it all too.

However there is a flip side that personally I don't think I've seen addressed enough, and even I've kinda touched on it but also tip toed a bit never quite sure how to properly express the feelings without giving the wrong impression or coming off rude.

Which is how hard it can feel being the one stuck waiting, and that honestly as long as you aren't a dick and don't start harassing people/your partners about it, demanding replies that kinda thing, it's okay to feel frustrated or upset.

Because honestly over all the years I've rp'd on here(and off), I get it. Even now I still find myself feeling a little down, even frustrated during a long wait, because let's be real especially if its for something you're excited for waiting can really suck.

True it's also exciting, the anticipation of what's to come but come on no matter how excited you are I'm sure a lot of people would still get bored waiting their turn in a long line for a ride at an amusement park ride.

Or the long wait for a package you ordered to arrived, sure they have the perk of an expected arrival date but its still not set in stone some times it can arrive sooner or later then expected. But who hasn't had moments where they'd wish their package could just arrive immediately despite knowing full while why it's taking the time that it is to arrive.

In someways I'd argue that's kinda similar to at least for me how it can feel. I know what I signed up for and I can promise I'm never mad at nor blame any of my partners for the wait no matter how long, even I've had moments of being the one to (unintentionally) make my partner wait and am always super grateful for their patience.

And just like I know I can't speed up a packages arrival, nor would I dare act like some asshole because a line up is moving slowly, I'd never demand or expect my partner to be faster or other wise act like I'm some how owed a quick response. (Hell no)

However I do believe that there's nothing wrong with acknowledging the struggles that can come along with being on the receiving/waiting end of things. Even if the wait is worth it- which honestly if you're with the right person/people it always will be no matter how long,

If anything at least for me I'd say some if not all the frustration of waiting comes from well the excitement of wanting to continue wanting to keep going but well until that response hits you can't.

Don't know if this is a hot take or not but I think you can be both patient, respectful about waiting for rp replies and understand all the reasons for why but also you don't have to like it and it's okay to acknowledge and admit,

Waiting Sucks.

But feeling frustrated or upset wishing that you didn't have to wait to continue that thread(s) or whatever you're feeling because of it doesn't automatically make you a bad person. It doesn't mean someone doesn't care about their partner(s) and their feelings.

Just don't be a dick about it.

Again this is something I've frequently thought about talking about/ express my thoughts and feelings on but I also really didn't want to wind up giving the wrong impression and come off sounding like some selfish, entitled asshole.

-----

As I hope I've made clear it isn't a bad thing to take whatever time you need and any reasonable rp partner(s) will understand this.

But just as nobody owes anyone a reply and are allowed to respond at whatever speed fits you, and is completely valid to want to be respected for that, the reverse is also true no one owes you their time and yet I know there are a lot of people (me included) who are willing to give the time and wait for our partners but that doesn't always make it easy and just I think that's just as valid a feeling.

If you can respect the time people take to write up a response so to should the time those waited be respected you know.

Not enjoying waiting doesn't make you a bad person / RP partner- being a dick about it does.

#psa #this is just a long time thought that I never knew how to word and feared being taken and twisted the wrong way #like personally I can / do and will always gladly wait for my partners #doesn't mean I like or enjoy it I just am able to accept it as part of the process #for a final example like how it can suck having to wait for a new episode of a show to come out or movie to realse #obviously I'd never want a company to rush it to get it out sooner #but man it can still be so hard to have to wait and suck #I'd say at this point everyone and their dog who's a different person knows and can agree yeh #people deserve to write at their own pace and reply to whatever they like whenever they want #although if it activley does feel like it could be problem maybe idk politley just ask them if anything is going on #if the wait is because of struggling to find motivation to reply maybe its time to start something fresh and move on #or whatever #not a perfect soloution but *communiction* is always a help

[jen-co]

Are you happy you had a child? How does yours and your husband's family feel about it?

Yeah I am. I'm not a happy PERSON because of my mental and physical health. I'm very anxious and I experience continuous dizziness, severe fatigue that sleep doesn't affect, pain etc. It makes life really difficult to be lacking energy and feel sick all the time no matter what you do. Like having an epic hangover every day, or trying to get over the flu. It sucks, I hate it, it's bullshit, it makes me cry. I hate having autism/ADHD and OCD. I just want to be calm and feel normal. So, things are hard but they'd be hard if I didn't have a baby. Butttt having a baby makes the days harder and I desperately always want to lie down and can't do that when I want/need to.

The pregnancy was traumatic (false positive NIPT, amniocentesis, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia) and the birth was horrible. Induction at 38 weeks, sprung on me at a routine checkup, lasted 3 days, and my body responded super strong to the synthetic oxytocin so my pain was unbearable during labour. I never wanted an epidural because I'm terrified of nerve damage, needles, cathetres, baby getting stuck, increased risks etc - but I honestly felt like I'd rather die than keep going through that unmedicated. The anaesthetists told me I have scoliosis as they were trying to get it in (which took 45 mins) and said that can increase risk of nerve damage. I said just do it. Ughhh. One poked around for ages and then called a senior one in. I was so scared. Then I had tearing which took forever to heal which is still causing problems, among other things.

Then I struggled with severe mental health breakdown and wasn't feeling connected to my baby. Going through all of that for an unplanned pregnancy was just too much. I was so sleep deprived as well, I slept 45 mins in 5 days at one point and I got so scared because I lost the ability to control my eyes for a few minutes here and there, like I couldn't blink or look somewhere. Along with non stop migraine and massive auras, I thought I was having a stroke. Then I made the mistake of looking at my vagina and stitches and I was an absolute mess. It was just... traumatic and so many changes to adjust to overnight. I knew I wouldn't cope well with it but I just couldn't anticipate how dark that could feel after you've had a baby. I went pretty loopy and believed I wasn't female anymore, that my vagina was gone, that I had severe prolapses (they say it's just normal tissue), that the baby might not be mine and was swapped at birth, that I was going to die from the preeclampsia, that I WANT to die from the preeclampsia, that my whole life is over and body is destroyed. It was like the reaction someone would have if they woke up from an accident and were told they're going to be paralysed for life. I was just so... off the deep end. I still have obsessions but I'm living my life despite them, whereas in those early weeks, I was just like, no, I should have died during the birth, I can't be here. I was at high risk of PPA/PDD and higher than average risk of post partum psychosis but the preeclampsia was also messing with my brain, I think. The migraines were debilitating and my body wasn't functioning properly, my liver was messed up. I think the preeclampsia was starting to seriously affect my brain function. Plus the sudden hormone drop, breastfeeding, being on blood pressure meds that were making me sick and making me pass out, anticoagulant injections every day (omgosh they were so painful, I had to get Dan to do them for me in the end)... it was not a good combination haha.

We're doing better now but I'm still very anxious. My connection with him is very strong and I love him very much. On good days, when he eats and sleeps well, I just feel so proud of him and so in awe of him existing. On bad days, I'm like... aaargh how long until you start going to school for the day?? Haha.

Dan helps me when he's home from work, so long as he's not doing split shifts, then he tends to nap in between. He does a night feed when he'll be home in the morning, plays with him, takes him on walks etc. He's a great dad and so helpful and loving. He does the morning shift with the baby on his days off so I can sleep in.

Our baby Noah is just so adorable and I have this weird feeling that I didn't have before... kinda like.. mehhh if my body's all messed up and I die tomorrow, at least I had love and at least we made Noah. Haha. I tend to obsess over my body functions and health, the meaning of life, my emotions, spirituality, so having Noah kinda makes me able to accept that my peak time and good health is over and I'm passing the torch on to another human being. Does that sound weird or morbid? I've just spent years trying to regain what was taken from me and haven't been able to accept being mentally or physically ill and fought it non stop. I still do but Noah makes it so that it's just not the only stuff that matters anymore.

I think he's really smart, he's 5.5 months and says hi and hello, he's really cheeky and expressing lots of emotions, he's now learning who mum and dad are and he cries when strangers try to closely interact with him and reaches for me, he knows when something seems weird or not right, he's very responsive, he can be bossy already haha. He turns the pages of a book to look at the pictures, he can put a spoon in his own mouth, he's got a sense of humour and thinks it's hilarious to watch me on the toilet for some reason.

We love him so much but my God, I wpuld never ever ever ever EVER do any of it again. Nope nope nope nope, quick, arrange a vasectomy because shop is CLOSED.

Our families are really happy since I'm an only child and Dan's the only obe out of his brothers that is in a relationship and has a child, so the only grandchild of both of our parents. My grandma is also really happy about it. We lost my grandad while I was pregnant so it's good to have her come over and spend time with him. My mum is thrilled with being a grandma, so is Dan's.

[hua-fei-hua]

HOOOOOOO WHEE now that i’m FINALLY done with the first draft of that stupid long philosophy-driven oneshot i wrote mostly in the car two weeks ago and sent it in to be betaed, i can finally get back to business with zenith

#the rough draft is sitting at ~11k so depending on how many edits are made it could be 12k or more #it really is a lot of thinking around in circles going insane but that's honestly kind of the point #it's not just ANY fic i leave discussion questions in the a/n box for after all #i was kind of surprised by some of the discussions that came up in the fic! not bc i didn't know how to answer them #well okay i didn't know how to answer some of them at the start but with others bc i thought i'd already found an answer for myself #but they came up and i ended up rethinking some stuff in my past #so honestly no matter how it ends up doing (and i'm anticipating a pretty bad turnout bc of the philosophy bits haha) #i think i'm gonna be really proud of this one!!! #花話 #AFLHASDFLA THIS FIC ROUGH DRAFT IS LONGER THAN WHAT I CURRENTLY HAVE WRITTEN FOR ZENITH #not by much so i'll be fixing that soon but that's so funny

[dom--minnie]

Three’s a Party

Summary: There aren’t supposed to be secrets in relationships. Unfortunately, Felix currently has three. One is let out with no problem. The second creates complications no one could have foreseen. The third, unknown to him, he isn’t the only one that holds the same secret.

Word count: 9.3k

Genre: fluff, smut, angst

Content: non-idol au, established reader and felix, gender-neutral afab reader, felix is nervous, chan is a bit of a dummy, felix wears skirts, threesome, switch! reader, switch! felix, dom! chan, mutual pining, slight lack of communication, threesome arrangement with kink and safeword discussions included, daddy kink, piv, protected sex, unprotected sex, MxM intimacy, (slight) size kink, (slight) strength kink, hand kink, finger sucking, praise kink, pet names, creampie, slight voyeurism and exhibitionism, accidental confessions, polyamory negotiations

Taglist: @solistired @hyunsluvv​

a/n: I only technically lied about the release date. Yes, I said Saturday but I also said the 18th which is today for me still, so it’s fine! I hope I made the wait worth it for anyone interested and for everyone else, voila

Relationships aren't meant to have secrets. Felix technically has several but he keeps them under wraps. The most damning one... one that he would never reveal except under the direst of circumstances. The other ones are far less destructive but are arguably more embarrassing. 

You live in blissful ignorance of all of these, at least for now. Until Felix decides he should tell you something, considering how often he thinks about them. So one day you walk into your shared bedroom with Felix he's wearing a short, blue skirt. Your face is neither positive nor negative and Felix spins, skirt flaring, staring downwards still. 

"And what's the occasion here, darling?" You question. 

Felix makes a confused noise in his throat and looks up to you just a little more. 

"Why have I received such a beautiful gift today? You look amazing, Fe."

Felix leans forward to kiss your nose and giggles when your hands roam under the skirt and squeeze his cheeks. 

"I've wanted to wear a skirt in the bedroom for a while, but wasn't really sure how you'd react." 

"Awwww baby, never be worried about anything like this. I might be confused but I love you so I'll never react badly."

Your comforting words are genuine and Felix wonders how far they truly reach. Would you say the same if he wanted to have a threesome with one of his closest friends? Or said he had a crush on, was practically halfway in love with, said friend? It's not what tonight is about and the thoughts fade when your lips connect.

You're so, so gentle with him and Felix sinks into you. Felix's wandering hands spur your own and suddenly it's like you're horny teenagers again that can't get enough of each other. Your hand slips back under the skirt and the easy access is fun, especially if he plans to wear nothing under it like he is now. Easy access to start jerking him off, and you happily do so, keeping your mouth pressed against his. 

Even with the anxiety Felix must have been imagining a number of situations with how hard he is in your hand. A sigh leaves his mouth as he rests his head on your shoulder. With one bite in your neck and only one sentence all of the power in the situation flows back to him. 

"I want you to sit on my face and then ride me, doll."

Any stress you may have had is gone after that.

Similar situations happen several more times over the next few months. Felix either has a skirt on and is obviously wearing nothing under it. Or he changes into a skirt with nothing under it when it’s clear you’re going farther tonight. Each time you’re caught a little off guard by how truly pretty he is. Lee Felix is sunshine, rainbows, and starlight of course but it’s like the skirt gives him a little extra confidence to shine brighter for you. 

So one hurdle down, only two more to go, great. Felix has never been so glad to have incognito mode with the number of phrases he googles related to 'how to bring up wanting a threesome with your significant other.' 

It's honestly not that useful, as the so-called advice was generic things he could've gotten from anyone. 'Trust them and they'll trust you' or 'do it with someone you both trust' like thanks he knows all of this already. 

Your next take-out dinner and movie night brings some strange behaviour from Felix. He's quiet where normally he'd be commenting on these extraordinarily stupid characters. When one of them completely ignores the obvious thing and Felix doesn't react in the slightest you know he's not paying attention at all. 

He certainly pays attention when you stop the movie and straddle his lap. Your hands cup his face and your forehead rests on his while your eyes meet. 

"What's on your mind, Pixie? Don't try to avoid it either, I know." 

Your gentle compassion almost makes Felix want to spill everything. It all bubbles up to the tip of his tongue but then he thinks of the possible disgust or heartbreak and pushes most of it back down. 

"You know how you said I don't have to be uncomfortable bringing up anything about... bedroom life?" 

You giggle at the euphemism and how adorably shy Felix gets about it when not in the act. Regardless, a hum of assent vibrates your throat. 

"I've been thinking about having a threesome." He blurts then squeezes his eyes shut, not allowing your reaction to reach his eyes. 

The small boop your finger leaves on his nose leads him to open his eyes. Nothing about your expression is negative and you look at him as fondly as ever.

"Do you-"

"Chan." 

A bright, fond laugh bubbles over your lips. 

"Sorry love, you just answered so quickly. Sure, we both trust him. We can talk to him about it and... arrange a day." 

Arrange sounds more formal than you intend but that's what it is. With the weight off of his mind, Felix is able to make fun of the new characters not seeing the plot right in front of them.

Chan knows this is a bad idea, he even cares that it's a bad idea, and yet he agrees. Backing out at any time is always an option, neither of you will be mad. It doesn't matter because he won't. Even if it hurts he will take the one chance he may ever get to screw around with both of his crushes. 

There was no pretense of a normal hangout. You texted Chan that you wanted to talk about something. When you all sit down Felix ends up doing the talking about it since it was his idea in the first place. You both want to have a threesome with him. 

It takes all of Chan's willpower not to coo at the blush that spreads across Felix’s face and ears. Also, a significant amount of brainpower to agree with the right amount of excitement. Not too little that you think he's unsure or doesn't want it wholeheartedly. But not too much that you are suspicious about any underlying feelings or motives he could have. 

Really, you're just thinking about your boyfriend and how cute he is. Not anything against Chan but you love Felix with every cell in your body and it pours out of you often. He can see it from a mile away and doesn’t mind because he’d love to be doing the same thing. Looking at Felix with all the fondness in the world that lets each side know that everything’s going to be ok. But alas, a threesome will have to do for now. Or forever, honestly. 

Then the fun part of it comes: interests. What does Chan have that he likes to do, and would like to do with you. Vice versa, what are you comfortable with and want to do with a sudden, if trusted, third-person present. 

"I'm wearing a skirt," Felix says. 

You smile at how easily he's able to say it, a stark contrast to before. You know that it will give the same confidence on the day of all of this as well. Surprise flits over Chan’s face but he just nods and doesn’t say anything more. 

"I want to dominate both of you." Chan brings it up first, any type of power play and dynamics. 

You and Felix look at each other then back at him and both nod excitedly. Chan already has strong leadership qualities, especially around all of the boys so really this makes sense. It will be very attractive for him to be giving you full orders and expecting them to be followed. Even thinking about it makes your brain work overtime and you have to physically shake yourself out of it.

"Felix and I… we'll just see how it works out. But we’ll both listen to you, for sure. Sound good?" 

You have to check with Chan if he's going to be in charge of both of you. A quick look between both of you and then he nods. 

A moment goes by and you look at Felix with a smirk on your face. He frantically shakes his head before you turn back to a visibly confused Chan. 

"Felix over here has a strength kink. Wants someone to manhandle him a bit." You drawl and Felix doesn't even mock tackle you. 

"Yeah, well you have a size kink! Wanting someone to look down at you and hands fitting around your limbs."

Felix sticks his tongue out at you as you feel your cheeks heat up to the temperature of the sun. Perhaps Chan fits you better than first anticipated. Strength and size in one, not to mention some other interests he slots right into. 

"Any kinks you both have and aren't about to expose to me?"

You and Felix easily speak in unison.

"Praise and hands."

The moment you say that Chan reaches his hands out and lays them vertically so you can see the incredibly veiny backs. Imagining those fingers in any of your wet holes has you readjusting your legs and you can hear Felix do the same next to you.

Felix clears his throat in an obvious attempt to quickly move along from that. 

"Anything you have in mind, Channie?"

The nickname is affectionate and if you didn't know better you'd think the tips of Chan's ears are flushed under his curls. 

"Praise for me is good, no matter who’s giving or receiving it. I like nicknames or pet names, titles as well."

When it becomes clear Chan isn't elaborating you both lean forward in a clear gesture for him to continue. 

"Ok. Baby, bunny, angel, beautiful. For myself? I dunno, choose some. Particular titles especially." 

You all have flushed cheeks as this is becoming a reality, hearing Chan say these things out loud. Hopefully, you'll both be saying some of them as well. One title sticks in your mind and you’ll just have to test whether he’s into that or not. 

"Safewords." You state and both men nod. "We use the colour system generally. Green, yellow, red.”

"Sure," Chan easily agrees. It only slightly surprises you that he knows, and has probably used that exact safeword system before. 

You lean forward to rest your cheek on your palm. 

"I mean... I think that's everything? We can have a phone call or hangout if there's anything else."

Okay but... when? When are we gonna do this?" Felix points out.

It had gotten lost in actually arranging but the goal of this was actually enacting it all so that fact was a bit important. 

"Like 2 weeks from now?" Chan says. 

You consider it, a fair amount of time to go but not too far either. Enough time to mentally prepare but not to freak out fully and leave the country. You look at Chan then Felix who voices his agreement. 

"Alright then, Saturday in 2 weeks. Come over for dinner, Chan. We can ease into it that way."

You stand and Felix follows. Heading to the door you both give Chan a hug, Felix longer and tighter than yours as usual. 

You step out and turn around to face Chan again. 

"See you later, daddy." You wink.

Felix purposefully makes his voice lower and repeats the playful words. It's obvious he tries to hide it but Chan shivers at Felix's voice. You only knew to look because he has the same effect on you.

The two weeks pass entirely as normal. A couple hangouts with various groups of the guys and knowledge of the future threesome doesn't invade your mind. The day before you thought Felix would be visibly stressed already but he seems entirely fine. 

He seems fine to you, but Felix is good at hiding his emotions if need be. And he is freaking the fuck out. There came some point where it really settled in that this was a plan, it was happening, and it was going to be tomorrow. From that point on it had hardly left his head. Hiding his feelings while fucking around with the man? Is that even possible for a Lee Felix? It doesn’t really matter because it’s already happening, so really something is going to happen and he is determined not to ruin it. 

To calm himself down there’s a number of things he can do, yet he chooses the one that wouldn’t make sense to most people. Calling his best friend, the slight hyperactive squirrel man, Han Jisung. Jisung is adept at the two things that can bring Felix out of almost any type of nervous state, whether with genuine comfort, or with chaotic distraction. 

Yet when he calls, Jisung seems to know something is different. 

“Soooooo, what is up my dude? How have you been?” Jisung sings.

“Ah, just a bit nervous for no reason and I know you’re not doing anything.”

Jisung is silent for a couple moments longer than the normal, puzzling. 

“You sure it’s nothing? You’ve been…. extra. The past week, especially.”

Felix goes over the last times they’ve hung out together, especially as a group of 9. There’s nothing out of the ordinary that he thinks Jisung may count as ‘extra’, whatever that even means. 

“Extra what, Ji? What are you even talking about?” Felix laughs, assuming Jisung will too and they can just move on. 

“You’ve been staring at Chan like way more than usual, dude. I thought it was ridiculous before, but now… he’s either denser than a brick or ignores it.”

Felix’s mouth drops open and he’s silent for nearly half a minute. Other people have noticed how often he stares at Chan? Jisung noticed how much he stares at Chan? This is an entire disaster. And if Chan ignores his stares, then what does that mean. Actually, no, if he goes too far down that route then he’s going to chicken out of all of your plans and he wouldn’t dare ruin it. 

“Are you the only one who noticed?” Felix asks hesitantly, mouthing please in hopes that if someone else has noticed as well, that it’ll just go away.

“No… Jeongin and Seungmin are wayyyyy too observant for that, the little demons. Minho, too. I haven’t heard from the others but if I’ve noticed then…” Jisung trails off. He’s not the least observant in the group. That title goes to Felix and Chan themselves. But he and everyone else would put him low on the list, so if he knows then almost everyone else probably does too. Well, shit.

“I’ll only tell you if you promise with your whole heart not to tell anyone else.” 

Felix’s heart is pounding and it thrums loudly in his ears. Is he really about to tell someone else about this? Jisung, no less. 

“I’m concerned but yeah, of course. Unless it’s a crime.”

Felix forces out a laugh, and he knows Jisung can tell but neither of them comment on it.

“So… maybe I have a bit of crush on Chan. It’s fine, it’ll go away eventually and I can just move on, but for now. I have crush feelings.”

Jisung is silent and Felix has to check if he hung up at some point.

“So you stare at your ‘just crush’ like he put the moon up himself? Not believing that or a second. But I understand now, so whatever. You gonna tell them or…?” 

Felix lets out a real laugh this time, then scoffs like Jisung’s proposed robbing a bank tomorrow. 

“And have them break up with me? No thanks, I’ll just live with it.”

This time its Jisung scoffing so hard his throat will be sore.

“You’re an idiot. If they love you, and we both know they do, then it’ll be fine. Be honest about your feelings, it’ll only make you stronger.”

Felix considers it, turning the idea over in his mind. Inevitably, his mind turns to your possible reactions. His dreams come first, the ones where you somehow like Chan as well and Chan likes you both. Or the ones where you’re ok with it. Or any of the ones where Chan even likes him back. But of course, the more likely reality. Where you’re uncomfortable or disgusted. Or want to… nope. 

“I’ll think about it. Thanks Ji.”

“Sure man, anytime. Popcorns going so I’m gonna dip. Good luck.”

Felix is left in the silence of the bedroom to ponder. They both know he won’t do it but the wonderful fantasies make it seem possible. Some wonderful fantasies can come true, somehow.

The stress explodes in the morning. Felix is out of bed when you wake up and when you exit the apartment is practically sparkling. From top to bottom, you’d believe this house had never been lived in if your pictures and souvenirs weren’t everywhere. There's also a wonderful cookie smell coming from the kitchen, and it draws you in. Whenever Felix bakes it floods through your apartment and makes it seem like a home. Cheesy, yes, but it’s really what he does to you. 

Felix's back is to you when you come in the kitchen and you wrap your arms around his stomach. He lets out a small squeak of surprise before giggling, face lighting up at you being awake finally. 

"You do know Chan's been here before right? You didn't have to do this."

Felix sighs and turns to face you, leaving a kiss on your forehead. 

"I know I didn't have to. I'm just nervous and all this kept my mind off of it for a bit."

You coo at your adorable boyfriend and peck his pink, pouting lips. 

"No matter what happens he's just Chan. You're still you, I'm still me. It'll be ok, Fe." 

The sigh Felix lets out has a different meaning to you both. You assume it's clearing his mind and re-centreing himself. Really it’s thoughts of how, at the end of the day Chan is never just Chan for him, but this is reality and not his ideal world. He doesn’t get to have two attractive partners to come home to every day. The timer goes off behind him and the reminder makes the smell of cookies flood your nose and mind again. 

"Join me on the couch when you're done, baby. I'm gonna work on some stuff for a bit." 

The reminder of cookies existing every timer goes off is delightful, and really the only reason timers should exist ever. Most of the way through the batter, Felix dances into the living room and feeds you one, delightful as always. He’s beautiful like this. The lingering stress showing on his face from the morning is entirely gone. The blinds are finally open for a reason and sunlight reflects off your sunshine.

The day passes easily once it begins and Felix is done practically vibrating out of his skin. In the early afternoon, he even falls asleep with his head in your lap for a while. Looking at him is like looking at a sleeping kitten, curled up and peaceful. 

It gets later, a bit darker and you pull up the recipe on your laptop. The kitchen barely fits 2 people but you and Felix work well enough together that there are few problems. It’s nice to just… coexist with someone else so peacefully and naturally. The door rings and you and Felix glance at each other, for just a bit too long before he patters away. 

They both pop their heads around the corner and Chan joins you both, squishing the kitchen space even more. He gives you both soft kisses on your foreheads, smiling and greeting you quietly. As soon as he does you and Felix look at each other and nod, kissing his cheeks at the same time. His cheeks flare bright red and his eyes widen but he quickly recovers. Expression settling and laughing, even if his ears and cheeks don’t stop burning for quite a while. Then you notice the box, probably a dessert that you won't be getting to tonight. Or… you will get to dessert technically, it just won’t be any of the typical sugar. 

It proceeds normally, you may even forget what your plans are for a minute. But as plates start getting emptier Felix is the first to tense up. Chan follows soon after but you manage to stay the calmest, at least on the outside. 

Chan puts his hand on your knee first and you stand. Suddenly, Felix's grasp comes from your other side and tugs you towards him. He looks so… innocent that you just can't help but tangle your fingers together. At the same time, he tilts his head up towards you, waiting for a kiss. Your hands tangle in his hair and press your lips against his. 

You both turn to Chan after and he's sitting up, completely straight and still. You round the table and he puts his hand on your hip. It doesn't escape your notice about how much of you it covers and you resist looking down to see it. 

"Can we kiss you?" You ask, breath fanning across his lips. 

He should say no. Say no, say no, saynosaynosay- 

"Yes." He says with false ease. 

You lean in and he lets you lead it, simply resting his hands on you. Felix comes up behind you and rests his head on your shoulder, watching. 

Chan briefly bites your bottom lip but you pull away before too much happens in the kitchen. Before you can move Felix switches places with you and throws his weight against Chan. It's like he was prepared and his hands go around Felix's back. You take a good long look at them before playing with Felix's hair and taking your own turn to watch them. 

"We should go to your bedroom." Chan pants out, eyes blown wide when he opens them. 

"You heard him, baby boy. Follow him." 

You giggle when Felix whines at the pet name. 

"You're our baby boy tonight, aren't you?" You tease. 

Chan feels something flare inside of him when you use such possessive words, especially "our" anything. In any other situation, he knows it would be "your" and it kills him. He wants so much more, but he cannot either of you entirely in the way he wants so much. It's not a controlling type, simply a statement. Felix is yours as you are his, and neither of you are Chan's. 

The moment you reach the room the door is closed and you are pinned onto it. You watch Felix disappear to change but Chan makes sure your attention is back to him quickly. He kisses you again, but harder this time. 

Felix feels like this is a dream. Maybe he's finally achieved lucid dreaming. Because he's standing in the bathroom changing his skirt and about to have a threesome with his significant other and best friend/crush. That can't be real. So he's ready to wake up and tell you about the totally wild dream he had. But not the feelings, because those are still very real. 

He never wakes up. Instead, he pulls the skirt on and walks out to see you pinned against the door and Chan nipping at your neck. 

When Felix appears your attention is immediately split between them. It goes back to Chan pretty quickly when he starts whispering in your ear. 

"I certainly know what I want to do. First, I'll watch the 2 pretty kittens in front of me for a while. A pretty picture being painted right in front of me. I'll keep the rest to myself for now. Go kiss your pretty boyfriend and give me a show, alright sweetheart?" 

He backs away slowly and you go to Felix, whispering in his ear as well. 

"He's going to watch and wants a good show from us first. So let's give him one, huh?" 

Felix throws his arms over your shoulders and nods. Before you can tug him in he looks at Chan who nods as well before pulling out your desk chair. 

Your kiss with Felix is already heated and messy, the extra thoughts of an audience and pleasing that audience in mind. It moves faster than you normally would when in the bedroom. Though the tension of the whole day, and especially of the dinner may be enough to make up for that. 

Your hands roam furiously around each other and each time your lips break apart you each let out a gasp before diving back in. Felix starts walking you towards the bed with slow steps and flips it around so you fall onto his lap. Before he can do anything you fall to the ground on your knees. 

When you flip up his skirt and see nothing underneath you can hear Chan groan from his spot. Immediately you sink your mouth down, gagging just slightly as he hits the back of your mouth. Taking a second to breathe, you look up at Felix who already has his eyes closed. When you stop his eyes flutter back open and his hands go to your hair, resting there with no intention of pulling. You bob your head slowly, not taking him all the way in every time. A couple times you try to glance at Chan in the corner but he’s moved farther than what you can see. So, your attention is focused on Felix who’s very entertaining and responsive on his own. 

It starts as low moans that tell you he’s feeling good but you’re already looking for the high whines that you know he gives out. You hollow your cheeks and swirl your tongue in that way you know he likes, and the low groans turn into higher moans. They’re quieter than normal and you can tell he’s holding back, which is understandable, but you want him to let go. 

Your head gradually bobs faster and faster, with Felix’s moans getting higher and more frequent. With one particularly deep dip, he hits your throat and a loud whine breaks free. You do it again and again, letting Felix lose control. His hands twist in your hair, still not enough to cause any pain to you, but his hips stay still to let you set the pace. You know Felix is close and you both want it and are both ready to receive it, even so early in the night.

“No, no, little one. He’s not cumming yet.” Chan suddenly speaks, tone firm. 

Felix whines and you make a disappointed noise and slow down, not giving him enough of anything anymore. 

Felix pushes you off of him with a shuddering breath and a poorly concealed whine. After a moment of confusion, you switch places with him. He’s on his knees and starts peeling off your pants, with the noises of Chan shifting in the background. With every inch of skin that is revealed under your pants, he makes sure to kiss it, all the way down to your ankles. He pulls down your underwear after, with less reverence and more impatience this time. 

Before he can dive in, as he so clearly wishes to, Chan clears his throat across the room. 

“Felix.” Said man perks up and turns towards Chan, eager to please. “Turn them towards me and let me have a look, won’t you baby?” 

You obediently don’t move and let Felix turn your body, spreading your legs as well. Even without looking down, you know that you’re soaked already. Chan’s groan confirms it and you shift impatiently. Felix waits though, until Chan nods, before turning you back and getting his mouth on you. 

All things considered, he’s gentle but the build-up and tension makes each bit of pleasure like a shot of electricity through your body. He licks eagerly, tasting you and making you twitch. Your hands go his hair less nicely than his did before. You tug at the strands, which only makes him moan into you which makes your hips buck into his mouth. Each small sound from Chan makes you want to see and feel him but you wait, indulging in Felix as is. 

Felix knows exactly how you want it and with every minute that passes your whines get louder and with each flick of his tongue your brain gets fuzzier. Chan is taking a relatively hands-off approach for now but even with his seemingly infinite patience, he must want more. It’s hard to focus on that when Felix is eagerly slurping at your wetness and making you want to ride his face. You test the waters by rolling your hips once, twice, three times. When neither man stops you, you roll them incessantly. 

With no prior experience, Chan somehow seems to know exactly when to stop you from getting too close.

“Felix, stop.”

Felix eagerly obeys, and you whine loudly in disappointment. One look from Chan cuts you off and you resolve to not protest again when he finally walks over. He stands above both of you but looks down with fondness and not scorn. 

“How should we do this, pretty pets?” 

You don’t even look at Felix before boldly speaking to him, knowing it was mostly a rhetorical question.

“Fuck me! Please?” Your sudden boldness is tempered by the way that Chan looks at you and you dip your head down.

Felix visibly brightens once his fuzzy brain puzzles out that he’ll probably get to be back in your mouth. He’s the first one onto the bed and you follow, Chan coming up behind you. Your kiss with Felix is interrupted by Chan tugging your shirt over your head and shoulders. He pulls it off and you turn around to pull his own clothes off, bringing Felix over as well. 

Chan laughs when you both eagerly tug at his own clothes, trying to pull everything off at once.

“Slow down little ones. You’ll get it all soon.” 

You and Felix stop and stare when his shirt comes off and you are suddenly very aware of him. It isn’t that Chan hides how muscular he is, just that you didn’t pay too much attention to it before. Now, you’re certainly paying a lot of attention. It’s broken when Chan goes to Felix’s shirt and you’re as excited as usual to reveal what’s underneath. 

Just the sight of them alone nearly has you drooling and your hands run over their bodies at the same time, hardly believing they’re both in front of you. There’s hardly a chance to admire them as they both want to see you as well and pull your shirt up, one hand on either side. 

Chan’s hands get on you and dip lower, lower and all the way down to between your thighs. You shiver and watch his face, waiting for his next move. Felix’s hands go up, to your nipples. His warm hands on you makes you shiver but still, you watch Chan who just is not moving. It makes you want to whine and beg but you know, almost for sure, that he’d disapprove. So you wait. The light touches on your nipples makes you whimper and moan occasionally and Chan watches you. 

With a slowness that makes you want to scream, he pushes one finger inside. Even the barest feeling of being full makes you shudder and sigh in relief. After a few thrusts of his fingers where he meets no resistance, he pushes a second one in. You make a high noise in your throat and lean back against Felix’s chest, who takes the easy opportunity to kiss along your neck and shoulder. 

The sensitivity of being so close from Felix’s mouth is still there and it has you moaning louder than you normally would. One of your hands reaches out and grabs Chan’s hand that is laying on his thigh. He doesn’t stop you so you bring it to your mouth and suck on two of his fingers. Felix lifts his head and groans at the sight, Chan’s pretty hands in your beautiful mouth. 

Both men seem to thoroughly enjoy just playing with and teasing you, and it feels so good that you honestly don’t want them to stop. But you’re also craving so much more. With reluctance, you pull Chan’s fingers out of your mouth and whine at him.

“Daddy, please!” 

He raises an eyebrow at your insistent tone and pushes another finger into you. It makes your head fall back onto Felix’s shoulder but also increases the need of being filled by Chan right now. 

“No~ need you to fill me up, please.”

He slams his fingers into you, hard and deep and it makes you gasp. 

“Do these fingers not fill you enough? They just aren’t good enough for you.”

Felix behind you huffs then laughs, clearly caught between finding Chan’s teasing amusing or exasperating on your behalf. 

“Don’t make me say it! You know what I want.”

Felix finally starts sucking marks on your shoulder and it makes you sigh happily, a good distraction for just a moment before Chan speaks again. 

“I wanna hear you say it, sweetheart. I want to hear you beg.”

Chan’s tone makes even Felix gasp, his mouth disconnecting from you and a sudden, hot breath caressing your sensitive skin. You shiver from the many sensations on your body and the sudden addition of his clear order. 

“Want… want your dick, please. Daddy, fuck me!” 

After you’re done speaking Chan puts his fingers back in your mouth, letting you suck on them contentedly. If you’re going to get what you want you have to leave what you have and Chan pulls all of his fingers out of you at once. You know better than to whine so you hold it back, but your eyes screw shut in displeasure. 

“All fours, doll. Come on now.” Chan coaxes, and Felix also sighs when he has to disconnect from you. Chan takes that time to get a condom, and when he turns he just admires you and Felix on the bed. A perfect picture, but one that he’s also involved in tonight. 

You get on your hands and knees then just wait for them to touch you again. Felix knows he’s still a bit sensitive and waits for Chan to start. Chan with infinite patience that is now absolutely killing you. His hands are feeling you up, down your ass and thighs and back up again. When he notices how obviously impatient you both are he finally lines himself up with your entrance and pushes in. 

It makes you sigh. The opening of your mouth prompts you to look up at Felix who smiles down at you. You push your neck out, wanting him in your mouth and he pets your head. His fingers lift your chin and make you look up at him again.

“Be good for us, baby. Make us feel good.”

You eagerly nod and he finally moves closer. Once the tip of his dick is in your mouth, you start swirling your tongue around it. The moment he thrusts in you open your mouth wider and let him use it. It doesn’t take Chan and Felix long, as close and in sync as they are, to set a rhythm where when one of them pushes in the other pulls out. Chan’s thrusts push you towards Felix so much that his cock is nearly always in your mouth fully. 

At some point, you can feel the drool starting to drip down your chin and Felix coos while he wipes it away. 

“So messy, baby! Drooling all down my cock.” 

All you can do is hum in agreement and hope he hears it. Being absolutely ruined with him in your mouth is always a fun experience and having Chan behind you improves it quite a lot. Speaking of Chan. His hand has come around and two of his fingers are feverishly rubbing your clit. It makes the long-awaited pressure build-up and he groans when you clench around him. 

“Such pretty pets in front of me. Wet holes dripping down our dicks and making everybody messy. You just can’t hold it in, can you little one? That’s ok, we know you’re enjoying it.”

Chan’s voice is raspy when he speaks and it bolsters your confidence to know how good he’s feeling, too. It’s not as if you can say or do much about it. Especially not when you can feel an orgasm building and he thrusts so hard to make you dizzy. 

Felix broke back into high whines a minute or two ago. When he speaks, it’s strained and he can barely get more than a few words out at a time if he can think them at all.

“Gonna cum. I want you to- to swallow it. Holy fucking shit, your mouth is so good, honey.”

You open your eyes, when did they even close, to look up at Felix. Attempting to get across how good he feels and how badly you want it. His chest rises and falls with quick, harsh breaths. Chan is so good behind you, rubbing your clit in small circles and long length filling you up better than you dared to hope. Your own peak is building but can barely focus on that for now, no matter how badly you want to. 

Felix hits your throat once then twice more and with a small cry and jerk of his hips he cums. His whole body quivers and trembles as his seed shoots down your throat. You cough on it for a moment but swallow it down. The convulsion of your mouth projects a high-pitched whine from his own. 

The moment Felix leans back, and your mouth is still left open, Chan drives into you roughly. A noise of surprise that you barely recognize comes from you before you start moaning, feeling your own high so presently. With Felix no longer in front of you, Chan holds your hips and pulls you back, slapping against your skin even louder every time he thrusts in. The continued stimulation on your clit is almost overwhelming in its intensity. 

Felix can see the grunts and groans leaving Chan’s mouth but can’t hear them due to your own keening moans. To everyone’s surprise, Chan cums before you do but doesn’t dare stop or slow down his pace, even when it overstimulates him. The movements of his hips are less fluid but it doesn’t make you feel any less pleasure. With each thrust, he had learned to hit nearly any spot you needed him to. 

He’s left panting but is rewarded when you let out a gasp and something that sounded like ‘gonna cum’. Your whole body shivers when it washes over you and even still Chan thrusts which makes shake that much more intense. Eventually, he stops when it becomes far less pleasurable for himself, he has a limit, but still rubs circles on your clit. A distraction shows in the way of Felix who climbs onto his lap. The relief and pleasure are still coursing through you and you flop to your side, curling your legs up and inwards. You watch them kiss through blurry eyes and how Felix submits to him so readily. 

“Lixie~ one more? Inside?” You pout. 

Chan coos and runs a thumb over your puffed-out bottom lip. It’s always a bit of extra fun when you let Felix cum inside. It’s a bit messy which neither of you really wants to deal with afterwards. Tonight’s special so why not add an extra little bit of a reward for him? 

Felix turns to you and gasps. When you don’t laugh it off, he moves in front of you.

“Can you ride me? If you’re not too tired, I mean, of course.” 

The way he nearly spits out the words, like they just can’t come out fast enough is adorable. You prop yourself up on your hands and look at Chan over his shoulder, with wide eyes just barely seen by him.

“Go ahead, pets. I’ll join the show again in a bit.” 

You giggle and nearly tackle Felix down by his shoulders. His hands go to your hips out of instinct but you sit on one of his thighs first. Sitting on his thigh, you nearly want to grind and ride on it, looking at Chan’s thighs makes you fully pout again. Those are some good thick ones that you’d love to sit on. Felix chuckles when sees what you’re staring at but tugs you forward by the hips to try and get you moving. 

You make a noise of recognition and easily sit down fully on his dick. The familiar fullness makes you let out a small mewl. 

“Does he feel good, kitty?” 

“Mmh, yes. Really good, daddy.” Your voice is breathy, different from the fully voiced moans from when Chan was railing you before. 

“Ride him then, doll.” 

The order that you were actually waiting for comes and you bounce, slowly. Chan is intending to let you go at your own pace but when a fair amount of time passes, with a fair few whiny moans from Felix, he tsks. 

“You can do better than that. Faster, harder. Make him feel good.”

You place both palms flat on Felix's chest and spread your fingers wide. Your thighs flex as you ride him and the slide makes you gasp. After you’ve set a steady pace for yourself you take your hand to your clit, starting a bit slowly but going quicker as the stimulation doesn’t quite satisfy you as you need it to. Felix watches you, enraptured. You try to look back whenever your eyes are open but it’s overwhelming and they swiftly screw shut again. 

Felix is back to his low groans that you can nearly feel and it’s nearly unbearably unattractive. Chan thinks the same if the small noises he, unintentionally, lets out are any indication. He tries to mumble praises to you but more often it’s Chan who takes the lead. 

“Such pretty little babies, putting on a good show. Only for daddy to see.” “You both look so cute and small. I’d be able to ruin you both so easily.” 

His words and encouragement make you clench and Felix jerks his hips up into you more than once as well. It’s good and you want to keep going but soon your thighs are a bit sore and tired and you begin to slow down again, whining in disappointment. 

“Looks like kitty can’t quite keep up anymore. Why don’t you do it instead, Lix?” 

The familiar nickname used in such a different context makes Felix suck in a sharp breath and his eyes widen. He’d really like to get used to that but as it is he holds your hips and starts pumping. Felix just manages to hit different spots inside of you when he does it himself and he has you moaning loudly within a minute. 

When you look back over at Chan he’s jerking himself off in time with Felix’s movements. He’s not sitting close enough for either of you to reach but his eyes flick all over both of you, taking it all in. Looking down at Felix, his eyes are completely closed but his mouth is open to let you hear his low moans. They get a bit louder and you can tell he’s getting close so you turn on the begging.

“Lixie, baby. Cum inside me, please. Want you to make it all messy and I wanna see it drip out.”

Felix grunts and starts cursing under his breath. In less than two minutes he spills inside you and the warm spurts of cum fill you up more. Your breath is heavy as you get closer again yourself. Chan finally joins you again, fingers replacing yours. Felix still jerks his hips into you as much as he can, but he’s too sensitive for too much of it. Still, Chan’s hand just works and you roll your hips into his hand to feel more. He barely has to do anything honestly. Still jerking himself off with the other hand you can tell he’s holding back by how tight his voice is.

“Use Lix and my hand to get yourself off, kitten. I’ll do it with you, too.”

Your mouth falls open and a long, loud moan comes out. Your second orgasm feels like an overflow of the senses, so much so that you barely even notice Chan spilling over yours and Felix’s legs. You come down with a shiver and your legs and fingers are left with the most shakiness. 

“Up, sweetheart. We wanna see it drip.” 

Felix’s voice is low and rough but not stern. You nod and slip off of him, laying down and letting them both see. It’s nothing you can see yourself but from both of their low noises, it’s very appreciated.

You’re all left panting, sweaty, and shaky. You stay on your back and throw your legs on top of Felix’s. Chan stands and shuffles off to find towels for you all first. It makes you recognize that you need water and you grumble and sigh before standing. Felix hears you and jumps up to get you on his back. Just as you get onto Felix’s back, Chan returns.

“Why don’t we dry ourselves off first, okay cuties?” 

You both sit back on the bed and look up at Chan with wide eyes. He continues to take care of you both as best he can and it makes you even sleepier, eyes drooping occasionally. Felix keeps you awake with small jabs and pokes. Everything you all need is done and Chan has agreed to stay for the night. All the buses have stopped, Ubers seem sketchy, and any other arguments he may have are shot down. As well as the argument for him just sleeping on the couch. Felix wiggles himself in the middle and shoots a firm ‘cuddle me’ at Chan before snuggling happily down and going to sleep.

You and Chan share small glances of bewilderment before settling in as well. It’s hesitant but you can feel how Chan eventually moves in, centimetres at a time, to do something that could be considered as cuddling Felix, if you really want to stretch it. The bed is full but instead of feeling crowded you feel comforted, knowing two of your favourite people are the ones there with you.

Chan wakes first but doesn't move in a way that would indicate he's in anything but deep sleep. Once he's sure neither of you are awake he sits up and gazes at both peaceful, sleeping faces in front of him. You're both beautiful in the throes of passion but there is something about the peaceful light of day that pangs his heart differently. 

Surreptitiously, under the blankets you and Felix hold hands but lay with eyes closed as you feel Chan looking, observing. He takes a heavy breath in that makes you want to sit up and ask, comfort him, but something about the stillness in the air stops you. 

"Fuck," he curses lowly, but in a different way than the last night. "You're both so beautiful, I wish every morning could be like this." 

You stay quiet, even if thoughts race through your mind, but sensitive Felix gasps, no matter how hard he tries to muffle it. Chan leans back against the wall to create as much distance as possible. 

Felix sits up slowly and you follow a moment after. Chan lets out some nervous, forced chuckles. The confidence of yesterday has melted away, leaving the usual, shyer Chan sitting here instead. 

"Channie?" He shudders. "What did you mean by that?" 

He stutters and fumbles, trying not to lie but also keep feelings intact. Eventually, he just stops and freezes everything for a moment. Then before you can even think, he tries to leap off the large bed towards the door. Felix is fast and grabs one wrist while you rush to stand and grab the other to push him back down.

There is no fight, only an acceptance to sit back down. 

"Channie, please." Felix chokes out the words and when you look at him he's on the verge of tears. 

Why is unknown, but it's clear this is going to be a difficult conversation. 

Chan sighs and runs a hand through his hair, flipping his head to look at both of you. 

"I never thought this was going to happen, any of this. Last night, everything this morning. But whatever happens, don't let my words affect your relationship."

He looks at both of you separately to receive an agreement. 

"I really like you both, romantically. Maybe even love but I've tried to avoid the thoughts. For obvious reasons."

In the silence of anticipation, Felix's tears had dried on his eyes but now they sit, teetering on the edge of his eyelids.

"Lix. Are you ok? You look like you're about to burst." You speak gently to Felix because he looks like a terrified little animal. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I was never going to tell you." 

Your confusion only grows at his vague words and you can't see Chan from the way he's turned his head. 

"I understand if you wanna break up with me. I'd probably want to if the roles were reversed."

A gentle hand on his knee prompts Felix to raise his head and look at you.

"It's ok, love. I'm sure we can work this out. Just tell me the whole story first."

"Chan and I have been best friends for so long, years before I thought about dating anyone. He's seen all my highs and lows. Then you came and changed that a lot and we started dating. But still, somewhere along the way I... I developed feelings for him." 

Felix curls himself so small it seems impossible and leans away from both you and Chan. You sit in stunned shock and try to make sense of everything that just happened. When your eyes focus again Chan's eyes are flicking between you and Felix. Felix. 

You mentally curse and lunge towards him, embracing him in a tight hug. 

"Can you look at me, my love?" You coax gently. 

He sobs harder at the loving, familiar pet name coming from your mouth but obliges. Somehow still the prettiest man you may have ever seen, but that's not important.

"It's ok." You say simply. 

Felix looks at you in confusion, sobs still wracking his body periodically even as he tries to hold them back. 

"Your feelings for Chan, they're ok." 

You can hear the small, confused noise Chan makes from his spot behind you but mostly you hear the loud whimper of Felix in front of you. 

"What? Are you joking? How are you ok with knowing your boyfriend has a crush on someone else. His best friend, as well. One of the people you're both closest to. And you're ok with that?" 

The points Felix is making aren't completely out there. But there's something that flares up in your chest, something amazing, when Chan and Felix interact so tenderly. Their normal banter is what you expect but when it's quieter or later they get softer and so do you when looking at them. 

"I am. I like that you two have an incredible dynamic completely separate with me. Of course, I love talking to you both as well. I can't explain it, but it's there. So yes, it's ok." 

Felix launches himself onto your lap and buries his face in your chest. You focus on him, nuzzling your nose in his hair and rubbing his back. To the point where you almost get lost in your own world completely. Of course, almost is the key word. 

Chan watches in envy as you both drift off into a comfortable affection and closeness. There was just a whole confession but he can’t help but feel like he doesn’t fit perfectly, not yet anyways. He wants to hold you like that, or Felix, or both. Maybe later, not today. Today he needs to go home and let you have a day to yourselves. 

Chan is off the bed before you can even speak and you and Felix look at him, puzzled. 

"Haha, um, I just don't to y'know intrude on your morning routine or anything. You don't need to get up I'll just go, yeah. We can talk more another time." 

Your deadpan look to Chan somehow increases as he says 'intrude' and you're sure Felix has pulled out his sad kitty look. 

"Chan. Bang Chan. Christopher Bang. Sit down." You order.

Felix laughs when he follows your order, almost dazedly, and sits back down to fiddle with his hands. 

"Can I kiss you? For real this time." You ask, Felix moves off your lap in anticipation.

Chan looks up at you with his jaw hanging down. He nods then closes his mouth and clears his throat.

"Yes. Please." 

You're half on his lap with your arms around his neck before he pulls you in. After a dizzying minute or so you pull away. 

Felix would be mad you got to kiss Chan with feelings first if it wasn't so damn attractive. When neither of you moves he whines and does grabby hands in that general direction. 

You move out of the way and watch as Chan goes to Felix without hesitation. Chan is wider and could probably cover Felix up entirely from the right angle. They're so soft. Chan's hands are barely touching Felix's waist and Felix's hands are moving up Chan's arms and shoulders. They’re beautiful. Absolutely stunning. When they pull away from each other your hands go to rest on each of their shoulders’ and you level Chan with a stern look. 

“Just listen until I’m done. No interrupting. Just listen.”

He has the presence of mind to just look slightly sheepish and nod.

“Me and Felix have been dating for a while but that will make you no less of a valued or important member of this relationship. If we’re going to do this then we all need to communicate our feelings to each other. So, Chan. If we ever, ever, make you feel left out in any way, you need to tell one of us. That goes for all of us in any situation.” 

You sit back but Felix catches you and pulls you into his side. Chan follows his lead and moves in front of you, putting his long arms to use and hugging both of you. You all sit in peace and adoration for a bit before stomachs begin to grumble a bit. Chan is the first to disentangle himself and the look of disbelief that crosses his face all over again is almost comical. 

"You're... This is ok?" 

You giggle at his still present disbelief. Hesitantly, you reach one hand towards him and he grabs it and moves toward you. While still making eye contact he gingerly presses his lips to the top of Felix's head. 

"It's real, Channie. I promise." You giggle then whisper.

Chan pulls his hand back and looks at both of his palms in shock. You give him a few moments then he reaches his arms back around both of you as best he can and buries his face in Felix's shoulder. 

"Thank you." He mumbles. 

"Three's a party, not a crowd for us.” You reply, leaning on Felix as well.

Felix is the glue that binds you two together, and the one that got you here in the first place. For not the first time and not the last, you're happy to have met him. 

#stray kids smut #bang chan smut #lee felix smut #stray kids imagines #bang chan imagines #lee felix imagines #stray kids oneshot #bang chan oneshot #lee felix oneshot #bang chan x reader #lee felix x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids scenario #bang chan scenarios #lee felix scenarios

[snarktheater]

Hey, d'you have any French book recs? I'm trying to work on my French, and rn I have downloaded one of my favourite book series' French translations, but I figured maybe books already written in French might work better? Also have you read the Ranger's Apprentice series? 1/2

RA's def flawed - the books' narration does like to point bright arrows at the protagonists' intelligence, and the last few books def have the tone of 'old white man trying to write feminism', although at least he's trying? - and it's aimed more to the younger side of YA, but it is still a very fun series, and I can ignore the flaws fairly easily, at least partly due to nostalgia? This rather long lol but I'm wordy.

I'll start with the second question: no, although every time the series is brought up I have to check the French title and go "oh, right, I've seen these books in stores". But I've never purchased or read them. It sounds like something I probably would have enjoyed as a teen but I just missed the mark, and these days I'm trying to drown myself in queer books, so that probably isn't happening.

As for your first question, geez, I haven’t read a French book in years, so this is gonna skew middle grade/YA, though that may not be so bad if the point is to learn the language. I will also say that as a result, these may read a little outdated.

I'll put it under a cut, even if Tumblr has become really bad with correctly displaying read mores. Sorry, mobile crowd.

It's also likely that old readers of the blog will have seen me talk about most of these. I don't feel like going through old posts.

One last thing: while I was curating this list I took the time to make a Goodreads shelf to keep track of those.

The Ewilan books by Pierre Bottero

(It's a testament to how long ago I read these books that these are not the covers of the edition I own, and I can't even find those on Google. I'm settling for a more recent cover anyway since it'll make it easier to find them, presumably)

There are at least three trilogies (that I know of) set in the same world.

The first trilogy is essentially an isekai (so, French girl lands in parallel fantasy world by accident) with elements of chosen one trope, though I find the execution makes it worth the while anyway.

The second trilogy is a direct sequel, so same protagonist but new threat, and the world gets expanded.

The third one is centered around a supporting characters from the previous books, and the first couple of books in it are more her backstory than a continuation, though the third one concludes both that trilogy and advances the story of the other books as well.

Notably these books have a really fun magic system where the characters "draw" things into existence. It's just stuck with me for some reason.

A bunch of stuff by Erik L'Homme

I have read a lot of this man's books, starting with Le Livre des Etoiles.

They also skew towards the young end of YA, arguably middle grade, I never bothered to figure out where to draw the line. They're coincidentally also using the premise of a parallel world to our own (and yes, connected to France again, the French are just as susceptible of writing about their homeland), but interestingly are set from the point of view of characters native to the parallel world.

It also has a very unique magic system, this one based on a mix of a runic alphabet and sort-of poetry. I'll also say specifically for these books that the characters stuck with me way more than others on this list, which is worth mentioning.

This trilogy is my favorite by Erik L'Homme, but I'll also mention Les Ma��tres des brisants, which is a fantasy space opera with a pirate steampunk(?) vibe. I think it's steampunk. I could be mistaken. But it's in that vein. It's also middle grade, in my opinion not as good, but it could just be that it came out when I was older.

Another one is Phaenomen, which was a deliberate attempt at skewing older (though still YA). This one is set in our (then-)modern world and centers a group of teens who happen to have supernatural powers. I guess the best way to describe it is a superhero thriller? If you take "superhero" in the sense of "people with individualized powers", since they don't really do a lot of heroing.

...I really need to brush up on genre terminology, don't I.

The Ji series by Pierre Grimbert

This one is actually adult fantasy, though it definitely falls under "probably outdated". It is very straight, for starters, and I'd have to give it another read to give a more critical reading of how it handles race (it attempts to do it, and is well meaning, but I'm not sure it survives the test of time & scrutiny, basically).

If I haven't lost you already, the premise is this: a few generations ago, a weird man named Nol gathered emissaries from each nation of the world and took them to a trip to the titular Ji island. Nobody knows what went down here, but now in the present day, someone is trying to kill off all descendants from those emissaries, who are as a result forced to team up and figure out what's going on.

I'm not going to spoil past that, though I will say it has (surprise) a really unique magic system! I guess you can start to piece together what my younger self was interested in. Which, admittedly, I still am.

Once again, this one also has a strong cast of characters, helped by rich world building and the premise forcing the characters to come from many different cultures (though, again, I can't vouch for the handling of race because it's been too long).

The first series is complete by itself, though it has two sequel series as well, each focusing on the next generation in these families. Because yes, of course they all pair up and have kids. Like I said: very straight.

A whole lot of books by Jean-Louis Fetjaine

OFetjaine is a historian, and I guess he's really interested in Arthurian mythos especially, because he loves it so much he's written two separate high fantasy retellings of them! I'm not criticizing, mind you, we all need a hobby.

The former, the Elves trilogy (pictures above) is very traditional high fantasy. Elves, dwarves, orcs, a world which is definitely fictionalized with a pan-Celtic vibe to it. The holy grail and excalibur are around, but they're relics possessed by the elves and dwarves with very different powers than usual. Et cetera.

Fetjaine also really loves his elves (as the titles might imply), and while they're not exactly Tolkien elves, there's a similar vibe to them. If you like Tolkien and his elf boner, you'll probably like this too. And conversely, if that turns you off, these books probably also won't work for you.

This series also has a prequel trilogy, centered around the backstory of one of the main characters. I...honestly don't remember too much about it, but I liked it, so, there you go, I guess.

I said Fetjaine did it twice. The other series is the Merlin duology, which, as the title implies, is a retelling of Merlin's story. Note that Merlin is also in the other trilogy, but it's a different Merlin; like I said, completely different continuities and stories.

This one is historical fantasy, so it's set in actual Great Britain, and Fetjaine attempts to connect Arthur to a "real" historical figure...but, you know, Merlin is also half-elf and elves totally exist in Brocéliande, so, you know. History.

Okay, that's probably enough fantasy, let me give some classics too.

L'Arbre des possibles et autres histoires - Bernard Werber

Bernard Werber is a pretty seminal author of French sci-fi and I should probably be embarrassed that the only book of his that I read was for school, but, it is a really good one, so I'll include it anyway.

It's a novella collection, and when I say "sci-fi" I want to make it clear that it's very old school science fiction. It's more Frankenstein or Black Mirror than Star Trek, what we in French call the anticipation genre of science fiction: you take one piece of technology or cultural norm and project it into the future.

It has a pretty wide range of topics and tones, so it's bound to have some better than others. My personal faves were Du pain et des jeux, where football (non-American) has evolved into basically a wargame, and Tel maître, tel lion, where any animal is considered acceptable as a pet, no matter how absurd it is to keep as a pet. They're both on a comedic end, but there's more heartfelt stuff too.

L'Ecume des Jours - Boris Vian

(no cover because I can't find the one I have, and the ones I find are ugly)

This book is surrealist. Like, literally a part of the surrealist movement. It features things such as a lilypad growing inside a woman's lungs (and, as you well know, lilypads double in size every day, wink wink), the protagonist's apartment becoming larger and smaller to go with his mood and current financial situation, and more that I can't even recall at the moment because remembering this book is like trying to remember having an aneurysm.

It is also really, really fun and touching. Oh, and it has a pretty solid movie adaptation, starring Audrey Tautou, who I think an international audience would probably recognize from Amelie or the Da Vinci Code movie.

I don't really know what else to say. It's a really cool read!

Le Roi se meurt - Eugène Ionesco

Ionesco is somewhat famous worldwide so I wasn't even sure to include him here. He's a playwright who wrote in the "Theater of the Absurd" movement, and this play is part of that.

The premise of this play is that the King (of an unnamed land) is dying, and the land is dying with him. I don't really know what else to say. It's theater of the absurd. It kind of has to be experienced (the published version works fine, btw, no need to track down an actual performance, in my humble opinion).

The Plague - Albert Camus

You've probably heard of this one, and if you haven't, let me tell you about a guy called Carlos Maza

I'm honestly more including this book out of a sense of duty. The other three are books I genuinely liked and happen to be classics. This book was an awful read. But, um. It's kind of relevant now in a way it wasn't (or didn't feel, anyway) back in 2008 or 2009, when I read it. And I don't just mean because of our own plague, since Camus's plague is pretty famously an allegory for fascism, which my teenage self sneered at, and my adult self really regrets every feeling that way.

Okay, finally, some more lighthearted stuff, we gotta talk about the Belgian and French art of bande dessinée. How is it different from comic books or manga? Functionally, it isn't. It really comes down more to what gets published in the Belgian-French industry compared to the American comics industry, which is dominated by superheroes, or the Japanese manga industry, which, while I'm less familiar with it, I know has some big genre trends as well that are completely separate.

The Lanfeust series - Arleston and Tarquin

This is a YA mega-series, and I can't recommend all of it because I've lost track of the franchise's growth. Also note that I say "YA", but in this case it means something very different from an American understanding of YA. These books are pretty full of sex.

No, when I say YA I mean it has that level of maturity, for better or worse. The original series (Lanfeust de Troy) is high fantasy in a world where everyone has an individual magical ability but two characters find out they're gifted with an absolute power to make anything happen, and while it gets dark at times, it's still very lighthearted throughout, and the humor is...well, I think it's best described as teen boy humor. And it has a tendency to objectify its female characters, as you'll quickly parse out from the one cover I used here or if you browse more covers.

But still, it holds a special place in my heart, I guess. And on my shelves.

The sequel series, Lanfeust des Etoiles, turns it into a space opera, and goes a little overboard with the pop culture reference at times, though overall still maintains that balance of serious/at times dark story and lighthearted comedy.

After that the franchise is utter chaos to me, and I've lost track. I know there was another sequel series, which I dropped partway through, and a spinoff that retold part of the original series from the PoV of the main love interest (in the period of time she spent away from the main group). There was a comedy spin-off about the troll species unique to this world, a prequel series, probably more I don't even know exist.

Les Démons d'Alexia

Something I can probably be a little less ashamed of including here.

Some backstory here. The Editions Dupuis are a giant of the Belgian bande dessinée industry, and for many, many years I was subscribed to their weekly magazine. That magazine was (mostly) made up of excerpts from the various books that the éditions were publishing at the time; those that were made of comic strips would usually get a couple pages of individual scripts, while the ongoing narratives got cut into episodes that were a few pages long (out of a typical 48 page count for a single BD album). Among those were this series.

For the first few volumes, I wasn't super into this series, probably because I was a little too young and smack dab in the middle of my "trying to be one of the boys" phase. But around book 3 I got really invested, to the point where I own the second half of the series because I had canceled by subscription by then but still wanted to know more.

Alexia is an exorcist with unusual talents, but little control, who's introduced to a group that specializes in researching paranormal phenomena, solving cases that involve the paranormal, that kinda stuff.

As a result of the premise, the series has a pretty slow start since it has to build up mystery around the source of Alexia's powers, but once it gets going and we get to what is essentially the series' main conflict, it gets really interesting.

Plus, witches. I'm a simple gay who likes strong protagonists and witches.

Murena

There was a point where my mtyhology nerdery led me to look for more stuff about the historical cultures that created them, and so I'd be super into stuff set in ancient Rome (I'd say "or Greece or Egypt" but let's face it, it was almost always Rome).

Murena is a series set just before the start of Emperor Nero's rule. You know, the one who was emperor when Rome burned, and according to urban legend either caused the fire or played the fiddle while it did (note: "fiddle" is a very English saying, it's usually the lyre in other languages). He probably didn't, it probably was propaganda, but he was a) a Roman Emperor, none of whom were particularly stellar guys and b) mean to Christians, who eventually got to rewrite history. So he's got a bad rep.

The series goes for a very historical take on events, albeit fictionalized (the protagonist and main PoV, the titular Lucius Murena, is himself fictional) and attempts to humanize the people involved in those events. Each book also includes some of the sources used to justify how events and characters are depicted, which is a nice touch.

It's also divided in subseries called "cycles" (books 1-4, 5-8 and the ongoing one starts at 9). I stopped after 9, though I think it's mostly a case of not going to bookstores often anymore. Plus it took four years between 9 and 10, and again between 10 and 11. But the first eight books made for a pretty solid story that honestly felt somewhat concluded as is, so it's a good place to start.

#pierre bottero #la quête d'ewilan #erik l'homme #le livre des étoiles #phaenomen #pierre grimbert #le secret de ji #jean louis fetjaine #la trilogie des elfes #bernard werber #l'arbre des possibles #boris vian #l'écume des jours #le roi se meurt #eugène ionesco #albert camus #la peste #the plague #lanfeust #arleston #tarquin #Les démons d'alexia #ers #dugomier #murena #dufaux #delaby #ask #anonymous #st: other posts

[samanthalightning]

She's Got A Date-EoWells X Allen!reader- Part IV

*The GIF is not mine. All rights to the owner*

Part III

Summary: After getting wasted last night, you meet up with Barry and he offered you some advices. Based 1x03

Warnings: None. Just a tad angsty.

***

Extremely groggy, currently having a mind-splitting headache and has the worst case of hungover, it was a miracle that you woke up early— well, thanks to your siren-like alarm. You hate yourself for drinking like a viking and like your liver regenerates like Barry.

Last night was a blur— or at least the part you got home. You blacked out. You have absolutely zero recollection of how you ended up in your bed, in your pyjamas, and your car parked the wrong way. You figured you drank and drove, you might have someone to do with that one. You are so lucky no one caught or Joe would've made sure you won't see the light of day. But everything prior that was still very much intact in your mind. Everything.

You were supposed to meet up with Barry for breakfast today at Jitters. You were headed there anyway for some coffee. It's not far from your apartment, which was nice, because you don't trust yourself with driving hungover as much as driving drunk.

When you arrived at Jitters, Barry was already there. He waved as his eyes caught you entering. You smiled in return. You went to him, put your bag on the floor and took a seat on the stool. Cups of coffee were on the table, it seemed like Barry had already gone through half of his coffee.

"I already ordered for you," he said. "And I got you this ham and cheese sandwich from that bodega." He placed a brown paper bag in front of you.

"Thanks," you mumbled, taking a sip of the coffee. You rummaged through the bag, and took the foil-covered sandwich. It was still warm. Your favorite bodega was all the way downtown. It's a trip to get those treats, which is why you almost never get them. Thank God for Barry and his super speed.

You quickly removed the foil and took a large bite. You groaned happily as you chew. Coffee and greasy sandwich; it was heavenly and bitter. It hits the right spots, it feels as though a part of your soul re-entered your body.

Thank God for Barry and him knowing you so well.

Barry chuckled amusedly at your reaction. "Had some fun last night?" He teased, pointing to your sunglasses covering your eyes.

In your defense, it was very bright outside today.

You rolled your eyes, not that he can see through the lens— or can he? You didn't know. "Just had a few drinks with Iris," you said.

He nodded, half convinced, took a sip of his coffee. "Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm falling apart," he sang in a low voice, but enough for your heightened hearing to hear.

Your head quickly jerked up to him, eyes mortified. "How did you know that?" You whispered. Your thoughts ran wildly. Maybe someone took a video of you drunk as hell, and maybe you're trending on all social media platforms or maybe you became a meme.

He shrugged, pursing his lips. "I don't know, you belted those notes in the streets last night,"

Perplexed, you look at him, and it's like he was waiting for something to click while smirking devilishly. Then it dawned on you. All of those questions you asked earlier were answered. He took you home. Which makes sense why he got these sandwiches for you.

"Oh my God," you groaned, burying your face in your hands, cheeks turned into a dark shade of red. Though, you still remember nothing.

Barry laughed hysterically. He loved teasing you so hard.

"Yeah. You called me last night, begging me to pick you up, because you're too drunk to drive," he said as his laughing ceased. "You both refused to enter the car. You started screaming, giggling like 5-year olds. I was lucky the street was dead."

Oh poor Barry. You can imagine, he must be so embarrassed.

It was a relief that even if you're drunk, you didn't risk driving. Maybe you're not as hopeless as you think you are.

Still, you dwelled in your embarrassment.

"So, who is it?" He asked. You look up to him again, eyebrows furrowed with once again cluelessness and confusion. You had a hunch what he was talking about, but it's always safe to pretend you don't know. It can't hurt them. He looked at you incredulously. "Come on, Y/N. You were talking the whole car ride. About some guy, and how things are so complicated and you were tired of it. I've never seen you like that before—"

"—clearly haven't seen me in a frat party before," you snickered, taking off your glasses.

"I'm serious. What is that about?" He insisted firmly, anticipation and a squint of frustration was evident in his face.

You grimaced, mentally hissing at yourself. You couldn't just zip your mouth and reveal your secret. Might as well announce it.

You messed up. You can lie, but what's the point? He's Barry. If he's anything, that's persistent. He tried breaking in Iron Heights.

"I'm dating someone," you confessed.

Barry blinked, clearly caught off guard with your confession. He expected it, but what surprised him is that you hid it from him. He stuttered for a while, before he was able to form a coherent sentence. "Oh. Okay. What happened?"

You sighed, looking down at the table. You took another bit of your sandwich, taking your time to chew. Contemplating whether to elaborate. It's pretty heavy to unload, you didn't expect telling your brother you're dating someone so secretly. And for sure he won't be able to take it all at once. You have to be vague.

"He—he doesn't want anyone to know we're dating, because there are certain consequences that come with it," you explained. It felt foreign to talk about your love life. For the past 6 months, you kept it all to yourself. The bad, the good. You bottled it up inside.

He raised an eyebrow, concern crossed his features. "And you're comfortable with this?"

"At first. But then it felt restricted and suffocating," you explained.

"Did you talk to him about this?"

You nodded. "Yes. He wasn't very convinced. I honestly don't know what to do," you huffed, slumping your shoulder.

It ain't rocket science to figure how deeply i troubled you. It breaks his heart that his little sister is going through some stuff, and she was going through it alone.

"Talk some more. Be honest of what you're really feeling," you thought was pretty rich and ironic coming from him. "You're part of this relationship as much as he is. You have a say in this, and if you don't feel like this isn't working out for you, then maybe you shouldn't be in it at all."

His words hit you like a brick— thousands of bricks hitting you all at once, if you're being accurate. It hurts, because it was right. It hurts, because it deeply matters. You felt the sting in your heart, your jaw tightened. You don't want to think about it, but he's got a point.

Barry was worried with your lack of response, as you think deeply in the distance. "I'm not saying break up with him, okay? I'm just saying this is something you should really talk about and consider. You can't bottle it all up." He doesn't want to screw up his sister's love life or push her to do something that might hurt her, but not exactly disregarding the advice he made.

When he's not being a total dork, he's pretty wise.

You pressed your lips is a hard line, taking it all in. "I know," you murmured.

You weren't able to say anything after that. So did he. It was some heavy weight of emotional stuff to unload to your brother. Your hungover was gone, and who knew these kinds of talks are better than coffee and grease.

Barry decided to break the silence. "This explains so much," he laughed and so did you. You weren't pretty subtle. "Do I know him?" He quirked an eyebrow.

You hesitated, but it's not like Wells' is the first that will come to his mind. Gradually, you nodded. "Yes. But I'm not gonna say who!"

"He isn't someone like Oliver Queen, right?" He half-joked, but deep inside he meant it.

You almost spat your drink. "No!"

Barry went to the precinct, and you headed to S.T.A.R Labs.

You tried to act as normal as possible, even though what Barry said deeply affected you. Thank God Caitlin arrived before you, so you wouldn't have to deal with interactions with him.

You couldn't still believe how much emotion you felt last night; how intense it is. You minded it, but you didn't think you would actually get drunk about it. You have no idea how to deal with it, and if it's the right time to deal with it. You can't go on and help your brother save the city, while your mind is filled with thoughts about him.

Right now, you choose the city.

As soon as Cisco arrived, which wasn't very long, you worked on finishing the pipeline.

It wasn't easy though, you worked on the same thing, be in the same room, act like you didn't get hammered because of him last night. Every time you spare him a glance, and he would look back and he would smile, having no idea what you were going through, it would break your heart just a little bit more. Each minute that you let your feelings be unknown, Barry's words sink into you furthermore. But it occurred to you that the reasons why it was hard were also the reasons why you should keep it together.

The prison was done before lunch. He and Cisco worked over-overtime last night, so there wasn't really much to do, but set it up. It came up together well; durable, functional. The cells slightly look like pods, and given Francisco Ramon's obsession with Star Wars, it makes sense. The test run will happen when 'The Mist' is captured, since Barry doesn't want to participate. But rest assured, you and Cisco worked on it very hard to make sure it works.

Now with the biggest task done, the only thing left to do is go through a bunch of workload and have lunch.

"Hey, Caitlin and I are gonna grab lunch, wanna come?" Cisco asked, putting his coat on. "It's that new place that serves amazing cheap steaks and burgers,"

You realized that the place he was talking about was the very restaurant that you told Wells.

You shook your head. "No, you guys go. I already ordered some food." You smiled, declining.

"Okay, your lost. That place is amazing," he elaborated, clearly pleased with the place. It's Cisco, though. And food.

You snorted, turning your eyes back to the computer. "As I heard," you murmured underneath your breath with a tinge of bitterness, as Cisco strided out of the cortex.

On the bright side, someone from this place already went there. But much to your dismay, it wasn't you.

Your phone dinged. You picked it up to check, and it's what you have been waiting for. The delivery guy is right outside the lab. You quickly headed down to pick it up. You gave the delivery guy some tip, before excitedly went back inside.

You were salivating when the intoxicating smell of Chinese food filled your nostrils.

When you got up, Wells was there. He took a waft of the take-out foods. "Is that from Mann-Lee?" His eyes lit up in recognition. He was the one who introduced you to the restaurant. He said it's the only Chinese place he likes, because it tasted like the food he had in Shanghai. Of course, he's been to China.

You nodded, placing it on the desk. You quickly took out every box of food in the bag, and dug into your chow mein happily and satisfied, not bothering to take a seat.

"Did you order some for me?" He asked.

Unable to speak due to your mouth being filled with noodles and potstickers, you nodded. "It's in the box," he chuckled at your attempt to speak.

He helped himself and rummaged inside the bag's remaining contents. Upon opening one, his face fell, seemingly disappointed. He opened another box only to be disappointed again. He was looking for something specific. Your wonder started to grow, watching him.

He turned to you, and you raised an eyebrow. "Did you order some of their Beef Broccoli?"

"No. Did you want that?" You inquired.

"Yeah." He forced a half-smile, waving his fingers dismissively. "It's okay. I'm fine with Kung Pao Chicken; it's decent enough,"

For some reason, your mood soured. Decent in Harrison Wells' vocabulary means it's not good enough; he doesn't hate it, but he doesn't love either. You felt bad that you didn't know what he actually likes, but in your defense, he never says, and he lets you eat it. He never complained.

"You don't have to eat it if you don't like it," you said. You didn't want to watch him suffer eating something he doesn't like while you enjoy your own lunch.

"No, it's fine," he assured you.

"No, Harry. I mean it— you don't have to eat it," you insisted with more vigor in your tone.

He ignored you, and took a bite of the chicken. You scoffed in disbelief, frustration fueled in your chest. You want to stop him as he continues eating, but you decided against it. It's too petty to get angry about, not worth it.

You eat your lunch in peace, every time you turn to Wells, he would wince every now and then when he takes a bite. You don't know what about Kung Pao Chicken he doesn't like, but he doesn't just like it. You tried to let him go through it, but you're starting to get annoyed. And of course, you couldn't stop yourself.

"Okay, stop," you suddenly spoke, putting your food aside. "You don't have to eat, you don't like it." You tried to grab the food out of his grasp, but he swerved swiftly.

"Y/N, I said it's fine!" Wells said, displeased at your attempt to take his food away.

"It's not! You don't look fine— you don't like it!" Your voice rose a little.

He exhaled audibly. "It's just food,"

"I know it's just Kung Pao Chicken that I ordered that you don't like, so just admit it and stop eating!" You spat.

He scoffed in disbelief. "What is wrong with you? I am eating it!"

"But that's the point!" You snapped loudly. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do— you never do!"

Realizing what you've said, you shut your eyes. Your hands flew to each side of your head, fingers weaved through your hair, tugging on them. You needed to calm down and take breath, and be rational. The last you want to do is do something reckless and irrational.

"Is there something wrong?" He questioned firmly.

You mentally grimaced at the question. It was a stupid question; it's basically screaming at his face. "Nothing," you muttered.

Of course he didn't buy it. You weren't exactly selling it well. Or at all.

"It's something. You're enraged over food," You don't honestly know how he can keep his tone down, but it was evident he was agitated. You hate it so much right now.

You sighed wearily, refusing to face him. Afraid of what might happen if you do.

"Let it go, Wells," you pleaded through your gritted teeth and clenched jaw.

"No. I'm not gonna stop until this is settled. Tell me, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

He continued on, pushing you to speak. The idea of unloading all of your hidden burdens entered your mind, but you don't have the emotional capacity to face the fact that this is taking a toll on you. You tried to hold your ground, but his voice overwhelmed you.

You pushed your chair back, getting on your feet and facing him.

"Everything is wrong, Harrison!" You shouted, your voice boomed inside. Wells almost flinched. "Everything is wrong with us!"

Wells shook his head, baffled. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I can't take this any longer,"

"Can't take what?"

"This—" you gestured to you and him. "—This arrangement we made!"

Wells sighed, distressed, catching on what you were saying. "I thought you were okay with this,"

You chewed on your bottom lip, as you folded your arms across your chest. When you spoke, your voice dropped into a whisper; you couldn't control it. "I thought so too. Then last night, Iris vented out to me." You paused. You struggled to keep it together, now pressing your tightly folded arms on your chest. You continued. "They were having problems, same as us. I gave her some insights about everything, and then I realized that's how I feel!"

The underlying problem he thought he got handled was more intense than he thought. Time was running, you couldn't pick more of an impeccable timing, and the team could waltz in anytime while you were having this fight. He couldn't afford anyone finding out about it.

He took off his glasses, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Y/N, this is not the time for this," he said.

You snorted, your anger erupted in your veins. You were tired of avoiding the elephant in the room.

"When is the perfect time? When it's too late? When we break up?" You didn't want to say it, but it was at the tip of your tongue, waiting to be asked ever since you realized it.

His expression hardened. You already see the gears working. "Y/N, don't go there," he murmured, not glancing up to you.

"Why?" Your voice cracked into an almost sob. That was it. The tears found their way and pool at the rim of your eyes. "I tried to make myself believe that I understand, but I couldn't help but think that maybe you're scared that if things don't work out you won't have to deal with other people, thinking that you slept with a 24-year old girl."

Soon, every emotion you were feeling last night came rushing back to you; the confusion, the anger, the love and the pain— towards him and yourself. It seeped, not only to your heart, but through your very bones and weary soul. All too soon it became overwhelming, your chest tightening, your stomach knotting, struggling to keep it at bay.

Thinking it was one thing, but saying was a whole new realm of pain you didn't know you existed, let alone capable of feeling.

He glanced up to you, eyes staring into you meaningfully. "I would never think that. I made so many enemies, Y/N. Before and after the accelerator exploded. The last thing those people want is to see me happy and that puts you in danger," he reasoned.

You tried to steady your shaky voice. "I know. But your reasons and your excuses, they won't matter in the long run. The press, Joe, our friends, my brother— everything they say won't matter to me, because they're not the ones who loves you like I do, and they're not the one in a relationship with you." You told him, staring back, before turning away, as they threatened to fall.

You inhaled sharply. "I love you, Harrison Wells. And no matter what they say about us or you or me, I'll love you. Damn, you put my brother in a 9-month coma, but I loved you nonetheless!" You pointed your index finger at him in the air.

He let you speak, taking it all, as waiting for you to finish, let it all out and explain his side. And then, you'll be swept off your feet again, as if all of your feelings and thoughts didn't exist in your mind before. Barry was right. You couldn't believe you were getting to this point, but he was right.

"But I don't wanna hide anymore. I want to do more. Be free. If you don't want anyone to know that this relationship is happening, then maybe we shouldn't happen at all," You stated.

You both were silent, the tension was thick and you could cut a knife through it. Suddenly you couldn't move, like all of your energy was drained from your body.

You turned away before you could see his reaction. The pain was unbearable; it's best if you don't see it.

Mustering all the courage and strength you have left and your body, you took a step to leave the room. He tried to stop you by reaching out, but you recoiled, before his fingertips graze your skin.

"Don't,"

You strided out of the cortex, your shoulder straightened, held up high to hold your tears, but every step you take, the control you have dissipates. Slowly, your tears overflowed. You wiped the tears, though it didn't make any difference, your tears fell and fell, soaking your neck. Soon, all hell broke loose, sobs racked your body, your hands flew to your mouth to muffle your voice.

Wells was left with nothing, but the sound of your footsteps received, your muffled sob through the walls; thousands thoughts and emotions, and the weight of your words.

***

My parents are fighting. This one made me genuinely sad. Anyway, I'd really appreciate it if you share this and give it some love. Thanks!

Part V

#Harrison Wells #Harrison Wells x reader #Harrison Wells x Allen! reader #Harrison Wells fanfiction #Harrison Wells imagine #Harry Wells #Harry Wells x reader #Harry Wells fanfiction #Harry Wells imagine #EoWells #EoWells x reader #EoWells x Allen!reader #EoWells fanfiction #EoWells imagine #Eobard Thawne #Eobard Thawne x reader #Eobard Thawne fanfiction #Eobard Thawne imagine #Tom Cavanagh #Tom Cavanagh x reader #Tom Cavanagh fanfiction #Tom Cavanagh imagine #The Flash #The Flash fanfiction #The Flash imagine #Barry Allen x reader #Cisco Ramon x reader #Caitlin Snow x reader #Iris West x reader #lightninghasstruck

[tamamonomaes]

For all you gil fuckers, just a reminder that this absolute piece of HEARTWARMING SIN exists. Gil openly says he loves her, (emiya acknowledges it too) and they make out amongst... Other implied things.) I STRONGLY reccomend you read the subs I've provided with the audio because Holy fuck. Have fun degenerates

0:00

Oh? So you're willing to solve this treasure's puzzle? Well, if it isn't splendid of you. Then that means you'll be staying by my side, as my attendant, does it not? Then I shall allow it. For you to stay by the side of the King of Heroes.

0:22

What a prosaic face you have while asleep. How many times has it been, that you've slept by my side... for the time being, be free to wander inside your dreams.

00:39

You've got a pretty foolish face right now, is this the so called "hovering between sleep and waking"? Hey! Don't close your eyes just as I say that! Are you planning to leave me bored?!

0:54

Noon, huh? I guess it should be time for lunch-... wait, you! Isn't your face red-... don't tell me you partook of wine on an empty stomach?! Why is it that you make a hobby out of inconveniencing me?! Even though the sun is already on it's zenith, it seems that your brain is still asleep, as usual.

What? You're already awake? In that listless condition?

Very well, this is the perfect timing to show that mad dog how to fish. I permit you to come with me, Master. To see me do every little thing perfectly, be sure to fall in love with me all over again.

1:41

The sun is finally going down huh... Seeing you illuminated by the light of the setting sun, you truly are my treasure.

....What? Why did you become restless and avoided my gaze?

Heh, did you think that I would reach for you? Very well. Let's see if you can get me into that mood.

2:09

It's almost morning, huh... So, how was it? Spending the whole day today by my side? Well, though I say that, this is just the usual, isn't it?

The night has deepened... Hm...? What's wrong? Are you feeling cold? Very well then, lean your body into mine. The coldness of the night does not discriminate after all. I permit you to draw closer to me.

Hm... Almost time for you to sleep, isn't it? If you wish for it, then it's no problem for me to lend you my arm to sleep on.

Come now, don't be ashamed. Say it honestly, and out loud.

3:00

Master, staying up late is disadvantageous in an emergency. Right now, the strongest servant is lending you his power, you should be more aware of that fact.

3:11

Hmm... what is it? Because you're moving around, even I woke up...

Come now, just behave and let me embrace you. We can wake up properly later...

3:32

There is no one else permitted to touch this King of Heroes' head but you alone.

What you're touching is my body after all, isn't it...? Come now, no need to say that, I understand perfectly.

This is not a bad sensation at all... What's wrong? I haven't given you permission to stop your hands yet.

4:01

This might seem sudden but, I am considerably pleased with your face.

Rejoice, for I am saying that your face is not bad at all!

When I think of you as mine, a rush of affection gushes forth from me.

4:19

What is it? Do you wish to draw my attention?

You really don't tire of touching me every time huh, you sure do some lovable things...

Come now, let me do the same to you...

4:35

These eyes of mine has already seen the far ends of human knowledge, these eyes have also seen the the edge of wilderness that was beyond human knowledge.

And right now... only you are reflected in these eyes of mine.

It's an honor, don't you think?

4:56

It is said that the eyes conveys a lot of things.

I have now, finally understood your passion.

What about you? Do you now understand what it is, that I want, what I demand?

You don't...? What a troublesome fellow...

Well then... let me show you exactly what it is...

5:20

Those eyes wet with lust... good, good. Now, draw a little closer to me...

These lips of mine are what you want, isn't it? An arduous poison, it might be for you, but I permit you to taste them to your heart's content...

5:20

Those eyes wet with lust... good, good. Now, draw a little closer to me...

These lips of mine are what you want, isn't it? An arduous poison, it might be for you, but I permit you to taste them to your heart's content....

Oh? Aren't you aggressive... Or is this because you got drunk on the wine's scent...?

Well, since you're already at that state, I shall let you feel this tongue of mine.

I wonder if it'll make your legs go so numb, enough for you to not be able to stand...?

5:58

Oh? Is it hard? Then, let me touch yours to compare.

Wait, why are you prying yourself away from me? You wouldn't stand without my permission now, would you?

Now, now, don't look glare at me so much. If you do it too much, even I would get angry, you know.

Or rather than that... are you satisfied by merely staring at me?

6:29

Of course, it cannot be helped that one would unconsciously reach out for my perfectly sculpted body.

Don't be shy and restrain yourself by just touching me with your fingertips... I shall give you special permission to touch me more brazenly!

6:45

I don't feel hungry yet. When that time comes, I will inform you.

For now, just stay quietly by my side... if you do so, I shall cherish you.

7:01

So, you've finally discovered that heat sleeping inside of you, huh? What, isn't it just human nature to seek pleasure?

Very well then, I shall let you taste it to your heart's content.

Though you are my master, aren't you no different from a mongrel urged by desire?

No, it's not like I don't want to do it, but there is a thing called "time and place", is there not...?

Though both of those are fulfilled right now...

7:36

Amongst the mongrels thriving in this world, there are those who are engulfed but this*, right?

What about you, are you one of them? Or are you one that engulfs instead?

What, isn't it natural for me to want to know more about what is mine?

If you possess this, you could continue to exchange drinks with this King of Heroes. Come now, don't be so stiff.

Seriously, how many years has it been and have you still not get used to being loved by me?

*it's not clear, but I think he's referring to the grail

8:11

Emiya: Ah, it's you. What a coincidence, I didn't think that I would meet you here. I was just about to go home and make some tea, would you like some?

Gil: Wait, you fool! Who gave you permission to talk to her?! And of course, tea poured by a droll like you would be third rate!

I'm several times better than him, Master!

Hm? That's-... Hey! Faker!You bastard, don't you dare come any closer to her!

Emiya: Is there any problem with me being next to her?

Ahh, I see. That was rude of me.

Were you worried that the princess that you finally got your hands on would change her mind?

As a master, I'm sure you're having a hard time.

I'm sure there are other servants who'll be able to understand you better, someone you could utilize better, and would compliment you better.

Gil: Don't dare come any closer to her! Don't you have any idea to whom this woman belongs to? What, are you trying to seduce a married woman?

Emiya: How unexpected. I've thought of you as an unreasonable man. But it seems that you're the type that exerts all effort for the one they've fallen in love with, huh.

Gil: Of course! Who do you think I am?!

I who have anticipated this treasure*, is a man who would grant any privilege. Exerting effort is a matter of course.

And you, you're truly a man who doesn't know when to quit, huh.

*this treasure = you/master

#Might post the archer one next but I believe he's more like fuck boi from what I remember #Gilgamesh #Gilhaku #Gilgamesh x hakunon #Hakunon #Hakauno kishinami #Long post #Youtube

[crystalelemental]

I know it's way too early for this kind of speculation, but what do you think FE17 will be? the Genealogy remake would be interesting, but that'd possibly damn FE18 into a Thracia remake, much like Shadow Dragon/New Mystery. unless they decide to make it into 1 game, which doesn't sound probable to me. maybe they'll make a new story, with less, uh, questionable morals to keep the new 3H fans interested into the franchise? will they keep the calendar, the instruction stuff, or go back to the laid back way of Awakening/Fates/Echoes? you don't have to give a long answer if you don't want, I'm just musing a bit here

“You don’t have to give a long answer,” as if that’s ever stopped me.

What do I think it will be?  I have no idea.  But given its popularity, they could be considering it like a Tellius situation, with a prequel game.  I don't think they can go sequel (more on that in the other response), but prequel with Seiros as the focus, going from the Red Canyon Massacre to the end of the War of Heroes?  Sign me up.  I would love more on that.  And I adore games that focus on side stories (Thracia, Blazing Blade), so I'm super on board for a fleshed-out side story about that period in Fodlan.

I can't say what they'd try to do with gameplay, but I do think they'd keep a sort of "home base" kinda thing at a minimum.  The instruction aspect of Three Houses was very specific to that game, and truthfully, I don't know if it will maintain.  Not to be how I am constantly, but I hope it doesn't.  I really feel like the monastery exploration and having to fine-tune instruction for students was more tedious than anything, and ultimately didn't add much to the gameplay experience.  I also feel like the calendar was kind of a bad call too.  A lot of events, as they're laid out, feel like they should be happening back to back.  But because of the calendar focus, you have situations where it implies you traveled far off to engage in a big battle, but then just walked back to the monastery for a whole month before marching out the same direction.  I don't think it blends events together all that nicely.  Frankly I think Fates' decision to have a pocket dimension where you can take care of your bullshit was a better way to hand-waive the question of how you're able to backpedal and stock up in the midst of a campaign.

That said, any non-remake game, and possibly even the remake game, will take inspiration from Three Houses in the same way Fates and Echoes did from Awakening.  The massive success of Three Houses is guaranteed to be an anomaly to them.  They still don't know why Awakening worked, I doubt they'll know why this one worked.  So I anticipate a lot of character tropes and storytelling angles will be reused in future games.  They'll try to mess with perspective and the idea of hidden history muddying the morality of things for sure.  I don't think there's any benefit for them to go back to more clear-cut morality.  Even if there's a lot of fan argument about it (Edelgard and Dimitri fans), that's never a bad thing.  That's still attention being drawn to your game.  That's still discussion around it.  No press is bad press, and this game is still more popular than the rest of the series ever had been.  So they'll keep characters like Lysithea, and Bernadetta, and have that attempt at a complex plot, and a bunch of mysteries that never get answered, and oh god every MU is going to be like Byleth now oh god oh fuck.

But personally, I want the next game to be a Genealogy remake.  I have issues with Genealogy as a whole, both gameplay and story-wise, and a remake could salvage at least some of that.  Support conversations definitely could, and a changing of certain story elements would be nice, although Fallen Julia's already in FEH so like...there goes my greatest hope.

That said, I don't really want them to do too much?  Like, Echoes added a few characters, and while those are some of the best in the game, a lot of that I feel like was to add any sort of significance to Alm's journey beyond the end goal.  Alm's route would be boring as all hell without Berkut, so his inclusion was a massive benefit to the game.  But I can't think of a situation where my qualms with Genealogy is "This just isn't engaging enough, we don't have enough people."  Genealogy almost has too many characters.  If anything their bigger problem is that characters and themes they set up are never utilized.  So it's more about reworking the narrative a bit rather than needing to include things to make a blander game stand out, you know?

I definitely don't think they'd combine Genealogy and Thracia.  I mean they could, but I don't think it's a good idea.  Genealogy, again, has too many characters already.  Combining the games leads to the question of where the hell Leif's army is, and that's adding like 50 characters to the roster.  Since you deploy every unit you have in Genealogy, that's...way too much.  They'd have to completely rebalance the game.  Not to mention Thracia doesn't play at all like Genealogy, and is way too long to be a brief side-story or DLC exclusive.  There's just no effective way to integrate the two.  I think it would be better to just make the game after that the Thracia remake, which...honestly is the best possible outcome as far as I'm concerned.

Binding Blade may not have come to the west, but people know Roy, and this series started over here with Blazing Blade.  We know a lot of Binding Blade information, by virtue of dedicated fans being upset the logical continuation of their starting point never got translated.  Comparatively, Genealogy and Thracia are pretty damn isolated, and it shows in their CYL placements.   They're not well known games at all, and gameplay-wise, they're really awkward and (in my humble opinion), not actually fun to play at all.  A remake is ideal for those games, because it gives them a chance to gain more attention and popularity in the general public's eyes.  Which is good!  Genealogy does have a worthwhile story to tell despite my gripes about its problems, and I honest to god thing Thracia's one of the best stories in the series, with one of the best protagonists in the series.  These games deserve more recognition than they get, and they're not gonna get it until they get remade to be more accessible.

It also dawns on me that the "less questionable morals" may have been about Genealogy's whole incest thing.  Listen, I get it, but they can't take it out.  I don't say this lightly, but that is like...the central point of Genealogy.  The awakening of Loptous is a matter of converging its bloodline, which had only one surviving member.  You really cannot work around this one, without making things either too confusing or too stupid.  If they really felt the need for that, they might back off of the remake entirely, which would be to their detriment.  But considering the Byleth/Rhea situation, I don't think they'll have much trouble.  And besides, it's pretty clear that an act of incest was the catalyst for almost destroying the continent, so I think it's safe to say the game doesn't agree with the practice.

#zeldafanmaria #fire emblem

[cascadedownrush]

my first fight :

Eight years ago, when I was a dumb (not that I'm any smarter now) thirteen-year-old, I got myself into the first real brawl of my life. I watched Fight Club a year after the incident, and man did I wish I could live that ominous evening once again. The paining muscles and bones actually feel better every time they hurt. They feel good. I don't know why. I wanted another fight with the same dude because I didn't fight back as well as I could have that time.

2012, early September: My school was about five kilometers away from my place (you could call it a suburb in the Indian context). Most of the students took a bus to (and back from) school. One afternoon, our day at school ended, and I was sitting at the back of my yellow bus. The buses left the campus about fifteen minutes after the last bell. Many of us used this time to socialize, talking to our friends from different sections and classes. Before getting on the bus that day, I had a verbal exchange with Akshit Bansal (NOTE HIS NAME). Akshit was the mean kid from the other section, but mean is just the tip of the iceberg. (Disclaimer - I don't know him intimately as a person. I'm just writing what I felt about him at the time.) What I mean to tell you is that at the age of thirteen he used to smoke, ride on bikes late at night with older (and seemingly-spoiled) friends, didn't study ... you get the idea. This is not a rant about how bad he was, just what we (average kids) thought of him. Anyway, so, I was anticipating the trouble I had just thrown myself into but did have an ego, which I think suited my age. I wasn't the kind who'd back off because it might get physical (I might not have even today, bad habits die hard).

A couple of days later: I saw him coming towards the gate of our bus (he went on a different bus) and in a few moments right in front of me. He told me that he'd pay me a visit at my place today, I said "Okay." Honestly, there was nothing else I could do. So, that evening he came to the park right outside my place. I and my younger brother, Ujjwal, were returning from our tuition classes (400 meters from my home). I saw Akshit and two other guys (one of them actually a mutual friend) from a distance. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, but more than that, I was surprised. Aaaand Akshit had a baseball bat in his hand, so I guess that did put me in a tough position. *nervous laughter* Anyway, I didn't change my pace. I asked Ujjwal to go back home (which was just 20 yards away) while I joined the party at the park's gate. Ujjwal didn't know what was going to happen (neither did I really).

The three of them had smirks on their face. Akshit's was the faintest. I don't quite remember the dialogues, but within three minutes, he landed his first punch on me. I tried to balance myself when he shoved me on the ground. Soon, he was on top of me (wipe off that smile, it's serious!), and I was struggling under his weight. Next thing I know, he bit my left bicep so hard I let out a scream. In case you're wondering, that bite left a mark that didn't disappear until November. My mum heard my shriek and hurried outside to the veranda. She shouted towards our direction, alarming my predators, who now were getting ready to flee from the spot (they had a scooter). They scurried off. My Dada Ji (grandpa) and Mum rushed downstairs to pick me up from my misery. I did not cry during the fight, but as I was climbing up the stairs to my home, my vision started to get blurry. I was having one of those moments when you're on the verge of breaking down, but you don't because you don't want to feel weak in front of other people, but then they ask you if everything is alright, and right at that moment tears fall down your eyes. My appearance was pretty shabby from spending that one minute in the dirt and the left sleeve of my T-shirt torn off. Everyone at my house was worried, and they didn't ask me much because well, my condition gave it away.

It was 6'30 PM then, and within five minutes, my Dad reached home. He saw me and that bite on my bicep. He had a look on his face that said 'we can't waste time here, let's go.' Next thing I know, we're at Akshit's door ringing the bell. He comes at the door to find my Dad, Dada Ji (grandpa), Mum, and me. My Dad starts talking (respectfully but firmly, he's particular about not crossing the line when it comes to manners) and asks him about the fight. When four adults are standing on your head (in no mood for bullshit), it's challenging to be cocky. So, he tried twisting the story in his favor and went on to say that I scratched his back real bad. My Dad wasn't buying his story, though. Soon, his Dad pulled up in the street and met my Dad. They discussed the matter, and it was concluded that Akshit crossed his limits. Papa warned him sternly not to touch me ever again else he'd have to call the police. It's hard to look Papa in the eye when he's serious like that. It was sorted then, and we got back in the car to get me a tetanus shot. On our way to the clinic, I remarked to my Dad on how there should be a lie detector or something so we could have caught Akshit's made-up story instantly. My Dad replied, "How do we know you were telling the complete truth?" which pulled me back from the cloud nine of this 'victory' (of getting him scolded). I guess he did not want me to feel that he'll come to save my ass every time I get into trouble and that the whole fight thing that evening wasn't cool.

Had my Dad not taken action as quickly and sincerely as he did, I'd have gone through a lot more trouble at school, I am sure. I know I sound like a pussy, but that's the truth, I just wasn't ready yet to juggle studies and street fighting right then. Although, I still believe hand to hand combat is an important life skill. Akshit never bothered me since that day. We had a mutual friend, and so it wasn't like we never saw each other, but when we did, I did not talk to him beyond a simple 'Hi', and he did the same. No, but that didn't change the reality for him as a person. I still heard of him as the same mean guy as before, just that I was and would never be a part of those stories.

So, yeah, I got beat up in the only fight I got into.

#journal #dailyjournal #diary #dailydiary #my life #anecdotes #anecdote #memoir

[daphuu]

[1/2] Hi, it's ace anon again. I definitely feel romantic attraction but I think I'm a lesbian but it took me a long time to realize that and kind of come to terms with it a little. And I'm getting better about it but I still can't help feeling a little guilty about it sometimes and I'm anxious about it and I've never told anyone. To me that adds to the confusion because maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of having sex and why I don't really feel sexual attraction

[2/2] because - I know that sounds bad - but it feels kind of wrong? But it feels different with romantic feelings, and I'm sure about those so idk... It's complicated. I know that's a lot to unload on you and I'm sorry but do you have any advice on figuring things out? I know this is a lot but regardless of if you answer / what you say you've already really helped me with your previous answer so thank you!

Hi hiiii!! I spent last night thinking about this, ace anon! 💜 Here we go—

“I definitely feel romantic attraction but I think I'm a lesbian...”

So if I’m reading this correctly (and I might not be! Sorry!) then you’re saying you might be homoromantic (a woman romantically attracted exclusively to other women) but the idea of having sex with a woman is off-putting to you. That’s totally normal, ace anon. Our society has normalized straight sex in all forms of media so much that at first the idea of non-straight sex is mind-boggling. How would that work? What would we even do? The idea of sex itself can be scary on its own. What if I’m no good? What if they don’t like it? What if I don’t know what to do? What if I upset them by doing the wrong thing? But you know what, anon? Everyone starts somewhere. Cliche, yeah, but cliche for a fucking reason. (Or maybe not a “fucking” reason, but still—)

If those are the reasons you’re worried about having sex, try to communicate them with your partner (if/when you have one). I’m going to quickly share with you the three pillars of every relationship ever:

Honesty. You and your partner need to be honest with each other. This honesty needs to start from the very beginning, not just when you start dating or fucking or whatnot. Be honest about your feelings. Be honest about your desires. Telling your partner “Hey, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with xyz yet, but I’m willing to work on it/compromise with you if it’s something that’s important to you” can only help you both in the long run. You know how relationships end? Lies. Unvoiced and unknown expectations that aren’t met. Which brings us to the second pillar—

Communication. Fuck, communication is so so important. How can you know what’s going through your partner’s head if they don’t tell you? How can they know what you’re thinking if you don’t outright tell them? Over time this’ll be needed a little less—as you and your partner get a better grasp of each other, there’ll be some sort of uhhh sixth sense, if you will, that’ll form from regular communication and honesty. You’ll be able to start anticipating each other’s thoughts/needs after a few years. It’s pretty wicked. If you aren’t sure what I mean—do you have grandparents? Still married? Think of their relationship. Comfortable with each other. Still happy together. Anticipate each other’s needs, yeah? Now think about relationships of your friends or whoever around you. Not quite there yet, yeah? Still honeymoooning. That’s fine. All relationships take time! Just communicate with each other at every turn. You aren’t comfortable? Tell them. Explain why. Try to come up with a way to become more comfortable or a solution to end the thing that is making you uncomfortable. You aren’t sure what to say? Say that. “I’m not sure how to communicate my feelings right now. I’m not angry, but I’m not happy. Maybe I’m upset? Can we talk about this please?” Totally valid thing to say. Communicate honestly with each other.

Trust. Trust is so, so important! I’m gonna—you have to trust that your partner is communicating honestly with you. You absolutely have to. If they’re lying to you then that’s on them. Call them out if you truly suspect they’re lying. Before that, though—why do you think they’re lying? Why are they lying? Are they just scared of what you’ll think? Hmmm.

I once told my high school students about these pillars. One girl turned to her boyfriend, broke up with him, and moved to the other side of the classroom like five minutes after I gave this speech. #Damn. Oof. F to that guy but I was happy she took my words to heart.

Get out of relationships that aren’t good for you. Be self-aware enough to realize they aren’t healthy. Be self-aware enough to know you always have a way out. There is always a way out of a relationship. Always.

Okay, anyway, there’s my “sex doesn’t have to be scary, be honest, communicate (what hurts? What don’t you like?), and trust your partner. They don’t want to hurt you (unless you’re into that, but I don’t recommend pain play for the first time you have sex. Please, if you end up ever having sex, stick to vanilla sex for the first handful of times you try it!!)

“I still can't help feeling a little guilty about it sometimes and I'm anxious about it and I've never told anyone.”

Why do you feel guilty for being a lesbian? Lesbians are awesome. Well, some are. Some aren’t. You know why? Because lesbians are just people. Everyone in any gender or sexuality or romanticality—we’re all just people. And there are people are great and people who are not-so-great in every aspect of life. There are quiet lesbians, loud lesbians, short lesbians, tall lesbians, annoying lesbians, friendly lesbians, cis lesbians, trans lesbians, etc etc. You don’t have to feel guilty for possibly being a lesbian, anon! I’m sure their community would welcome you with open arms.

You’re anxious about being a lesbian? Why so? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being homoromantic or homosexual or any other -romantic/-sexual, either. What’s wrong with being human? Has someone told you that lesbians are awful? They aren’t, I swear. They’re just people like you or me or anyone else. Well, less like me, bc I’m not a lesbian, but—slsjdbdksls you know what I mean!!!

Serious talk ahead: Anon, if you live in a situation where coming out might be harmful to you, don’t come out. Don’t tell people who would use it against you or harm you for it. Just don’t. I’m sorry to make that sound so harsh, but I will never encourage putting yourself in a bad or worse situation. Maybe you’re restricted to only telling online friends that you’re queer. That’s fine. Woot woot let’s be queer together! Hi! You’ve already told me, after all. I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re quite possibly homoromantic and maybe asexual (or demi, or grey-a) and I certainly am not judging you for it. You could be a walrus and I’d still be supportive of you, anon. (As long as you let me pet you if we ever met, bc I’ve always wanted to pet a walrus. Sofft??)

If you aren’t in a situation where coming out might be harmful, what’s holding you back? Is it just you? Are you afraid of what your family/friends will think? Let me share a thing with you—and this is only if you aren’t in a potentially harmful situation—love is love. You have to consider your friends’ and family’s priorities. Will they prioritize loving you over or under their prejudice against queer people? Why? Hopefully your friends would accept you no matter what sexuality or romanticality you put forth, but I know that some friends are young and silly and selfish and straight-up assholes. Dude. Seriously, if they value you as a person and not just because they think you’re “straight,” then they’ll still value you as a person when you tell them you’re a lesbian.

To reiterate: There’s nothing wrong with being queer. There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. There’s nothing wrong with being straight. There’s nothing wrong with any of the -romantics or -sexuals. You’re normal. You’re human. You’re still figuring it out. Telling people you’re a lesbian and then telling them you’re bi like two years after that bc you’ve come to some sort of realization is 100% acceptable. Not being sure about yourself but wanting to share it with others is 100% acceptable. Everyone craves acceptance from their loved and cherished ones.

“...maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of having sex and why I don't really feel sexual attraction...”

Lemme—being a lesbian isn’t likely what’s making you uncomfortable with the idea of sex. Maybe it might make you nervous about it because you don’t know what to expect, but it shouldn’t be making you uncomfortable to the point you don’t feel sexual attraction. Honestly, anon, just go live life. When you have a romantic partner, you can figure it out with them! Tell them straight up from the get-go that you aren’t sure how you feel about sex and that they’ll have to be patient to work through this with you. They won’t judge you or put you down for it—and if they do then you know they aren’t right for you. Never let someone pressure you into having sex.

I’m an uncommon (not rare) asexual who enjoys sex. I didn’t think I would at first, tbh. Actually, until I figured out what I liked, I hated sex for like the first year I was doing it. Sex can be nice. It can be causal and silly. You can laugh during sex. It can be really hilarious sometimes. I love sex where everyone’s laughing bc of silliness. You don’t need to fear sex, anon, but I’m going to throw this at you: if you aren’t comfortable with the idea of having sex, don’t force yourself to have sex. If you choose to have sex with a future partner or something, that’s fine and dandy, but honestly? It’s not a race. If the people around you are expecting you to go start having sex whether you’re comfortable with it or not, then you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Your friends should be supportive. What I said about those three pillars of a relationship—they apply to every relationship. Friendship, partnership, family bonds, romance, sex, everything.

You don’t need to feel sexual attraction to the people you’re romantically attracted to in order to be whole or valid or normal or whatever people want you to be. You really, really don’t. Just be yourself. Another good cliche for another good reason. Being yourself is so freeing. React to people how you wanna react, not how you think they want you to react. Sex and romance aren’t the same thing and they certainly don’t have to be. You can have sex without romance. That’s valid. You can have romance without sex. That’s valid. You can have both. That’s valid. You can have neither. That’s valid. There’s literally no wrong choice here. Don’t get yourself down about who you are, anon. You’re perfect the way you are, I promise. If there’s a part of you that you don’t like, either come to love it or change that part just enough that you can love it. But don’t change yourself because of what you think people think you should be like. You won’t recognize yourself in the end. Just be you, yeah? <3

“...because - I know that sounds bad - but it feels kind of wrong?”

Being a lesbian feels wrong? Or the thought of sex with another woman feels kinda wrong? Let’s unpack that a bit.

Why might being a lesbian feel wrong to you? Several options here:

You were raised to believe that anything other than heteronormativity is wrong. You feel ashamed of your lesbianity because of that.

Media. “But we’re on tumblr! The queer community is so welcome here!” Yeah, but it’s not so welcome pretty much anywhere else. Media—music, movies, shows, news—has been depicting straight as the good positive norm and anything not-straight as bad negative unnatural freakishness for years. Sorry, I meant “decades.” Think about that for a hot minute. Only recently—the last decade or so—people have started putting forward the concept of “queer is okay??” in media, and even then it’s with a bunch of awkward question marks. Yeah, we’re getting about this, but being comfortable with who you are is difficult when everywhere you look in the world you see people hateful of certain parts of you.

You aren’t a lesbian. Yeah, I said it. I know. “Wait what I thought you were supportive oh no!?” Hahaha look!! Listen! Maybe you aren’t a lesbian. Who knows? Maybe you’re biromantic, or maybe you’re panromantic, or maybe you’re something else you haven’t discovered the right label for yet. I suggest doing some research. If you can’t look it up on the ol’ home computer, libraries exist for a reason. They have computers. Go duckduckgo some shit about sexualities and romanticalities. I’m 100% sure you’ll find way more helpful stuff out there than whatever I could tell you about lesbians. I’m not a lesbian. I don’t really know what being is lesbian is like. I’m sorry I can’t help you out here.

So you have some options to think through. If it’s one of the first two—I’m so sorry. Please know that the world is as vast and differing as its people. Everyone has different opinions and share different thoughts about everything. Complicated, yeah, but ?? Idk. Just know that you will encounter people who are supportive and adoring of you at some point in your life. Get out of whatever bad situation you might be in if you can. Please. Be safe. Be strong. Be sure. <3

Or, if you meant that the thought of sex with another woman feels wrong—

Why? I know I’ve been asking you that question a lot. I was a high school English teacher. Trying to make my students use their brains and question everything was quite literally my job. I like teaching people to think for themselves instead of accepting everything someone else says. On that note—please know that in some or most cases I might be completely wrong about everything I’m saying. Take my words with a grain of salt. How reliable of a source am I? I’m just some random chick on the interwebs. You don’t know me. I might be just sitting here lying my ass off. (I’m not.) Please please please pull your information from multiple reliable sources so you can be sure that the content you’re learning about such an important matter is factually true. Don’t teach yourself misinformation. Got it? Good? Gucci? Cool.

So, again, why? Why do you feel that way? Why? Is it the thought of sex at all that feels wrong? Is it because it’s with another woman? Is it because you don’t know how to do it? Is it because you’re scared of it? Is it because of some past incident or abuse? Why do you feel like sex with another woman is wrong? This might sound odd but honestly???? Look up lesbian couples. Lesbian porn, even. Shocking. I know you’re saying “!!!!” in your head right now. Relax. I’m not just saying “hey kid watch some pornnnnnn!!! Hehehhe!” I’m trying to say that if you’re (not a minor, first of all, please please) uncomfortable because you fear the unknown or because you think it’s weird, look up some basic amateur lesbian porn. I say “amateur” because that shit isn’t a huge fake production like the usual professional stuff. The professional stuff is really weird tbh. If you prefer watching that, fine, but just know that it isn’t very well reflective of what actual sex with a woman might be like. Once you’ve watched some of that (cheeks flaming, heart racing, forehead sweating, eyes wide) and come out on the other side (laughing, hopefully, because oh my god isn’t porn so awkward and funny to watch???) then consider why you feel the way you do about lesbian sex. Consider if your opinion has changed. What caused that change?

I’ve had sex with women before. Use lube. Use lube even if you aren’t having sex with a woman. All people having sex should always use lube. Idgaf if you’re “self-lubricating” and “totally wet enough already!” Use more lube anyway. Just throwing that out there. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable! That’s a mistake I see a lot of people who are new to sex make. They won’t use enough lube and then they’ll wonder why they hurt or they’re bleeding a little or whatnot and it’s just—lube. Lube is your friend. Water-based lube is the best, I think. Get some of that flavored stuff that tastes good to both you and your partner(s). Have at it, anon. But don’t worry about that stuff unless you actually plan on having sex one day.

I’m sorry. This whole post is verging on The Talk I gave to my youngest sister bc her mom is useless with this stuff. My youngest sister is a lesbian. She was terrified at first. “What if I’m terrible,” she said. “What if I don’t like it?” She asked. She cried a lot that week when she figured out she was a lesbian. She came crying to me. I answered her questions about relationships and sex as well as I could. I’ve had sex with members of every gender I’m currently aware of. I have a lot of advice to give about everything. She knew that. She’s pretty happy and she’s just started her first lesbian relationship with some chick from her school. They’re pretty cute together, ngl. She’d kill me if she knew I was talking about her, though, so I’m going to just leave it at that. Yes, being not-straight can be terrifying and nerve-wracking at times. I’m so, so sorry you might feel this way. Please know that you’ll have support from more corners than you think you might. And if you ever need anything, I’m right here along with the rest of the queer folk who certainly won’t judge you for being whoever you are. 💜💜💜

#not ah #i answer stuff #ace anon #anon asks #anonymous #anon #hi ace anon! #have a wonderful day~!! <3333 #stay hydrated #<3 #fave #ace talk #lesbian talk #idk how else to tag this lol #long post #ace pride #asexual #lesbian #idk