#so i can be more contentious about my intake | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

religion-is-a-mental-illness · 1 year

Text

By: Jamie Reed

Published: Feb 9, 2023

I am a 42-year-old St. Louis native, a queer woman, and politically to the left of Bernie Sanders. My worldview has deeply shaped my career. I have spent my professional life providing counseling to vulnerable populations: children in foster care, sexual minorities, the poor.

For almost four years, I worked at The Washington University School of Medicine Division of Infectious Diseases with teens and young adults who were HIV positive. Many of them were trans or otherwise gender nonconforming, and I could relate: Through childhood and adolescence, I did a lot of gender questioning myself. I’m now married to a transman, and together we are raising my two biological children from a previous marriage and three foster children we hope to adopt.

All that led me to a job in 2018 as a case manager at The Washington University Transgender Center at St. Louis Children's Hospital, which had been established a year earlier.

The center’s working assumption was that the earlier you treat kids with gender dysphoria, the more anguish you can prevent later on. This premise was shared by the center’s doctors and therapists. Given their expertise, I assumed that abundant evidence backed this consensus.

During the four years I worked at the clinic as a case manager—I was responsible for patient intake and oversight—around a thousand distressed young people came through our doors. The majority of them received hormone prescriptions that can have life-altering consequences—including sterility.

I left the clinic in November of last year because I could no longer participate in what was happening there. By the time I departed, I was certain that the way the American medical system is treating these patients is the opposite of the promise we make to “do no harm.” Instead, we are permanently harming the vulnerable patients in our care.

Today I am speaking out. I am doing so knowing how toxic the public conversation is around this highly contentious issue—and the ways that my testimony might be misused. I am doing so knowing that I am putting myself at serious personal and professional risk.

Almost everyone in my life advised me to keep my head down. But I cannot in good conscience do so. Because what is happening to scores of children is far more important than my comfort. And what is happening to them is morally and medically appalling.

The Floodgates Open

Soon after my arrival at the Transgender Center, I was struck by the lack of formal protocols for treatment. The center’s physician co-directors were essentially the sole authority.

At first, the patient population was tipped toward what used to be the “traditional” instance of a child with gender dysphoria: a boy, often quite young, who wanted to present as—who wanted to be—a girl.

Until 2015 or so, a very small number of these boys comprised the population of pediatric gender dysphoria cases. Then, across the Western world, there began to be a dramatic increase in a new population: Teenage girls, many with no previous history of gender distress, suddenly declared they were transgender and demanded immediate treatment with testosterone.

I certainly saw this at the center. One of my jobs was to do intake for new patients and their families. When I started there were probably 10 such calls a month. When I left there were 50, and about 70 percent of the new patients were girls. Sometimes clusters of girls arrived from the same high school.

This concerned me, but didn’t feel I was in the position to sound some kind of alarm back then. There was a team of about eight of us, and only one other person brought up the kinds of questions I had. Anyone who raised doubts ran the risk of being called a transphobe.

The girls who came to us had many comorbidities: depression, anxiety, ADHD, eating disorders, obesity. Many were diagnosed with autism, or had autism-like symptoms. A report last year on a British pediatric transgender center found that about one-third of the patients referred there were on the autism spectrum.

Frequently, our patients declared they had disorders that no one believed they had. We had patients who said they had Tourette syndrome (but they didn’t); that they had tic disorders (but they didn’t); that they had multiple personalities (but they didn’t).

The doctors privately recognized these false self-diagnoses as a manifestation of social contagion. They even acknowledged that suicide has an element of social contagion. But when I said the clusters of girls streaming into our service looked as if their gender issues might be a manifestation of social contagion, the doctors said gender identity reflected something innate.

To begin transitioning, the girls needed a letter of support from a therapist—usually one we recommended—who they had to see only once or twice for the green light. To make it more efficient for the therapists, we offered them a template for how to write a letter in support of transition. The next stop was a single visit to the endocrinologist for a testosterone prescription.

That’s all it took.

When a female takes testosterone, the profound and permanent effects of the hormone can be seen in a matter of months. Voices drop, beards sprout, body fat is redistributed. Sexual interest explodes, aggression increases, and mood can be unpredictable. Our patients were told about some side effects, including sterility. But after working at the center, I came to believe that teenagers are simply not capable of fully grasping what it means to make the decision to become infertile while still a minor.

Side Effects

Many encounters with patients emphasized to me how little these young people understood the profound impacts changing gender would have on their bodies and minds. But the center downplayed the negative consequences, and emphasized the need for transition. As the center’s website said, “Left untreated, gender dysphoria has any number of consequences, from self-harm to suicide. But when you take away the gender dysphoria by allowing a child to be who he or she is, we’re noticing that goes away. The studies we have show these kids often wind up functioning psychosocially as well as or better than their peers.”

There are no reliable studies showing this. Indeed, the experiences of many of the center’s patients prove how false these assertions are.

Here’s an example. On Friday, May 1, 2020, a colleague emailed me about a 15-year-old male patient: “Oh dear. I am concerned that [the patient] does not understand what Bicalutamide does.” I responded: “I don’t think that we start anything honestly right now.”

Bicalutamide is a medication used to treat metastatic prostate cancer, and one of its side effects is that it feminizes the bodies of men who take it, including the appearance of breasts. The center prescribed this cancer drug as a puberty blocker and feminizing agent for boys. As with most cancer drugs, bicalutamide has a long list of side effects, and this patient experienced one of them: liver toxicity. He was sent to another unit of the hospital for evaluation and immediately taken off the drug. Afterward, his mother sent an electronic message to the Transgender Center saying that we were lucky her family was not the type to sue.

How little patients understood what they were getting into was illustrated by a call we received at the center in 2020 from a 17-year-old biological female patient who was on testosterone. She said she was bleeding from the vagina. In less than an hour she had soaked through an extra heavy pad, her jeans, and a towel she had wrapped around her waist. The nurse at the center told her to go to the emergency room right away.

We found out later this girl had had intercourse, and because testosterone thins the vaginal tissues, her vaginal canal had ripped open. She had to be sedated and given surgery to repair the damage. She wasn’t the only vaginal laceration case we heard about.

Other girls were disturbed by the effects of testosterone on their clitoris, which enlarges and grows into what looks like a microphallus, or a tiny penis. I counseled one patient whose enlarged clitoris now extended below her vulva, and it chafed and rubbed painfully in her jeans. I advised her to get the kind of compression undergarments worn by biological men who dress to pass as female. At the end of the call I thought to myself, “Wow, we hurt this kid.”

There are rare conditions in which babies are born with atypical genitalia—cases that call for sophisticated care and compassion. But clinics like the one where I worked are creating a whole cohort of kids with atypical genitals—and most of these teens haven’t even had sex yet. They had no idea who they were going to be as adults. Yet all it took for them to permanently transform themselves was one or two short conversations with a therapist.

Being put on powerful doses of testosterone or estrogen—enough to try to trick your body into mimicking the opposite sex—-affects the rest of the body. I doubt that any parent who's ever consented to give their kid testosterone (a lifelong treatment) knows that they’re also possibly signing their kid up for blood pressure medication, cholesterol medication, and perhaps sleep apnea and diabetes.

But sometimes the parents’ understanding of what they had agreed to do to their children came forcefully:

Neglected and Mentally Ill Patients

Besides teenage girls, another new group was referred to us: young people from the inpatient psychiatric unit, or the emergency department, of St. Louis Children’s Hospital. The mental health of these kids was deeply concerning—there were diagnoses like schizophrenia, PTSD, bipolar disorder, and more. Often they were already on a fistful of pharmaceuticals.

This was tragic, but unsurprising given the profound trauma some had been through. Yet no matter how much suffering or pain a child had endured, or how little treatment and love they had received, our doctors viewed gender transition—even with all the expense and hardship it entailed—as the solution.

Some weeks it felt as though almost our entire caseload was nothing but disturbed young people.

For example, one teenager came to us in the summer of 2022 when he was 17 years old and living in a lockdown facility because he had been sexually abusing dogs. He’d had an awful childhood: His mother was a drug addict, his father was imprisoned, and he grew up in foster care. Whatever treatment he may have been getting, it wasn’t working.

During our intake I learned from another caseworker that when he got out, he planned to reoffend because he believed the dogs had willingly submitted.

Somewhere along the way, he expressed a desire to become female, so he ended up being seen at our center. From there, he went to a psychologist at the hospital who was known to approve virtually everyone seeking transition. Then our doctor recommended feminizing hormones. At the time, I wondered if this was being done as a form of chemical castration.

That same thought came up again with another case. This one was in spring of 2022 and concerned a young man who had intense obsessive-compulsive disorder that manifested as a desire to cut off his penis after he masturbated. This patient expressed no gender dysphoria, but he got hormones, too. I asked the doctor what protocol he was following, but I never got a straight answer.

In Loco Parentis

Another disturbing aspect of the center was its lack of regard for the rights of parents—and the extent to which doctors saw themselves as more informed decision-makers over the fate of these children.

In Missouri, only one parent’s consent is required for treatment of their child. But when there was a dispute between the parents, it seemed the center always took the side of the affirming parent.

My concerns about this approach to dissenting parents grew in 2019 when one of our doctors actually testified in a custody hearing against a father who opposed a mother’s wish to start their 11-year-old daughter on puberty blockers.

I had done the original intake call, and I found the mother quite disturbing. She and the father were getting divorced, and the mother described the daughter as “kind of a tomboy.” So now the mother was convinced her child was trans. But when I asked if her daughter had adopted a boy’s name, if she was distressed about her body, if she was saying she felt like a boy, the mother said no. I explained the girl just didn’t meet the criteria for an evaluation.

Then a month later, the mother called back and said her daughter now used a boy’s name, was in distress over her body, and wanted to transition. This time the mom and daughter were given an appointment. Our providers decided the girl was trans and prescribed a puberty blocker to prevent her normal development.

The father adamantly disagreed, said this was all coming from the mother, and a custody battle ensued. After the hearing where our doctor testified in favor of transition, the judge sided with the mother.

‘I Want My Breasts Back’

Because I was the main intake person, I had the broadest perspective on our existing and prospective patients. In 2019, a new group of people appeared on my radar: desisters and detransitioners. Desisters choose not to go through with a transition. Detransitioners are transgender people who decide to return to their birth gender.

The one colleague with whom I was able to share my concerns agreed with me that we should be tracking desistance and detransition. We thought the doctors would want to collect and understand this data in order to figure out what they had missed.

We were wrong. One doctor wondered aloud why he would spend time on someone who was no longer his patient.

But we created a document anyway and called it the Red Flag list. It was an Excel spreadsheet that tracked the kind of patients that kept my colleague and me up at night.

One of the saddest cases of detransition I witnessed was a teenage girl, who, like so many of our patients, came from an unstable family, was in an uncertain living situation, and had a history of drug use. The overwhelming majority of our patients are white, but this girl was black. She was put on hormones at the center when she was around 16. When she was 18, she went in for a double mastectomy, what’s known as “top surgery.”

Three months later she called the surgeon’s office to say she was going back to her birth name and that her pronouns were “she” and “her.” Heartbreakingly, she told the nurse, “I want my breasts back.” The surgeon’s office contacted our office because they didn’t know what to say to this girl.

My colleague and I said that we would reach out. It took a while to track her down, and when we did we made sure that she was in decent mental health, that she was not actively suicidal, that she was not using substances. The last I heard, she was pregnant. Of course, she’ll never be able to breastfeed her child.

‘Get On Board, Or Get Out’

My concerns about what was going on at the center started to overtake my life. By spring 2020, I felt a medical and moral obligation to do something. So I spoke up in the office, and sent plenty of emails.

Here’s just one example: On January 6, 2022, I received an email from a staff therapist asking me for help with a case of a 16-year-old transgender male living in another state. “Parents are open to having patient see a therapist but are not supportive of gender and patient does not want parents to be aware of gender identity. I am having a challenging time finding a gender affirming therapist.”

I replied:

“I do not ethically agree with linking a minor patient to a therapist who would be gender affirming with gender as a focus of their work without that being discussed with the parents and the parent agreeing to that kind of care.”

In all my years at the Washington University School of Medicine, I had received solidly positive performance reviews. But in 2021, that changed. I got a below-average mark for my “Judgment” and “Working Relationships/Cooperative Spirit.” Although I was described as “responsible, conscientious, hard-working and productive” the evaluation also noted: “At times Jamie responds poorly to direction from management with defensiveness and hostility.”

Things came to a head at a half-day retreat in summer of 2022. In front of the team, the doctors said that my colleague and I had to stop questioning the “medicine and the science” as well as their authority. Then an administrator told us we had to “Get on board, or get out.” It became clear that the purpose of the retreat was to deliver these messages to us.

The Washington University system provides a generous college tuition payment program for long-standing employees. I live by my paycheck and have no money to put aside for five college tuitions for my kids. I had to keep my job. I also feel a lot of loyalty to Washington University.

But I decided then and there that I had to get out of the Transgender Center, and to do so, I had to keep my head down and improve my next performance review.

I managed to get a decent evaluation, and I landed a job conducting research in another part of The Washington University School of Medicine. I gave my notice and left the Transgender Center in November of 2022.

What I Want to See Happen

For a couple of weeks, I tried to put everything behind me and settled into my new job as a clinical research coordinator, managing studies regarding children undergoing bone marrow transplants.

Then I came across comments from Dr. Rachel Levine, a transgender woman who is a high official at the federal Department of Health and Human Services. The article read: “Levine, the U.S. assistant secretary for health, said that clinics are proceeding carefully and that no American children are receiving drugs or hormones for gender dysphoria who shouldn’t.”

I felt stunned and sickened. It wasn’t true. And I know that from deep first-hand experience.

So I started writing down everything I could about my experience at the Transgender Center. Two weeks ago, I brought my concerns and documents to the attention of Missouri’s attorney general. He is a Republican. I am a progressive. But the safety of children should not be a matter for our culture wars.

Given the secrecy and lack of rigorous standards that characterize youth gender transition across the country, I believe that to ensure the safety of American children, we need a moratorium on the hormonal and surgical treatment of young people with gender dysphoria.

In the past 15 years, according to Reuters, the U.S. has gone from having no pediatric gender clinics to more than 100. A thorough analysis should be undertaken to find out what has been done to their patients and why—and what the long-term consequences are.

There is a clear path for us to follow. Just last year England announced that it would close the Tavistock’s youth gender clinic, then the NHS’s only such clinic in the country, after an investigation revealed shoddy practices and poor patient treatment. Sweden and Finland, too, have investigated pediatric transition and greatly curbed the practice, finding there is insufficient evidence of help, and danger of great harm.

Some critics describe the kind of treatment offered at places like the Transgender Center where I worked as a kind of national experiment. But that’s wrong.

Experiments are supposed to be carefully designed. Hypotheses are supposed to be tested ethically. The doctors I worked alongside at the Transgender Center said frequently about the treatment of our patients: “We are building the plane while we are flying it.” No one should be a passenger on that kind of aircraft.

The U.S. gets its Tavistock. It will not be the last.

Fathers may well be some of the unsung heroes at the end of this mess. Whenever one parent is pushing for life-long medicalization of a child, it is invariably a Munchausen-by-Trans (Transhausen) possessed mother, with a father fighting against all odds and the system that favors her.

41 notes · View notes

pierrotwrites-hc · 3 years

Text

Defining Trauma (and writing it)

During intake with my new therapist, she recommended Pete Walker’s “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma” (a title with two colons to let us know that it means business).

Because I want to get an A in therapy -- a goal that has nothing at all to do with C-PTSD, I’m sure -- I immediately bought the book and ripped through it. The speed of my reading is an indicator of digestibility rather than exceptional quality, which isn’t (necessarily) a knock: we’re living in a time when truly excellent resources on trauma are abundant and accessible, and my bar is high.

I did, however, mark the following definition of trauma, which elides the slippery and contentious debates over exactly how dreadful an experience has to be in order to merit the label by framing the matter, quite usefully, in terms of neurology:

“Trauma occurs when attack or abandonment triggers a fight/flight response so intensely that the person cannot turn it off once the threat is over. He becomes stuck in an adrenalized state. His sympathetic nervous system is locked ‘on’ and he cannot toggle into the relaxation function of the parasympathetic nervous system.”

...which reminded me of another passage in another (better) book about trauma, Laurence Gonzales’s “Surviving Survival: The Art and Science of Resilience” (a title with the acceptable number of colons: one):

“An ancient pathway in the brain, which scientists call the rage pathway, connects several areas to produce what neuroscientists call ‘affective attack.’ Affective means ‘emotional.’ When you are attacked, you automatically fight, scream, and bite. All mammals are born with this response. You don’t have to learn it. The rage pathway begins in the amygdala and sends signals to the hypothalamus, which monitors the state of your body and imparts tremendous powers of persuasion to all sorts of appetites, such as thirst and hunger. The rage pathway ties those structures in with an area called the pariaqueductal gray (PAG). The PAG is one of the places where you represent the physical self, both the outer and the interior body, and is involved in feeling pain and in responding to fear (freezing or fighting). The PAG also sends nerve fibers into the parts of the brain stem that control the jaw and face; biting and baring your teeth are part of the rage response. This response is so powerful that it can be overwhelming. It is, after all, meant to free you from the grip of a predator."

...which in turn reminded me of another passage in another (even better) book, Elisa Gabbert’s “The Unreality of Memory” (no colons at all):

“The psychologist and trauma specialist Peter Levine developed a model of what you might call trauma avoidance in prey animals. He observed that when they’re unable to flee or fight, they freeze instead—either hiding or playing dead. But while they are frozen, all the chemical activation associated with fight or flight persists. If the animal survives, once it’s safe it will need to ‘discharge’ this energy through shaking or trembling. He noted that humans also freeze in the face of threats, but rarely do they go through the discharge stage—likely because, as Scaer puts it, ‘dramatic shaking all over is “unseemly” or “hysterical,” and tends to be suppressed'...It’s like the fight-or-flight process can’t play itself out and so gets stuck.”

Taking these three passages together, we can conclude that trauma happens when the fight-or-flight reflex is triggered and cannot be turned off -- and when an attack activates the rage pathway but the physical response that is “meant to free you from the grip of a predator” is subdued or suppressed, leaving the survivor in a state of suspended chemical activation.

Gabbert connects this state to experiences of chronic illness and pain -- and indeed, survivors (especially of childhood sexual abuse) are more likely to experience both.

Looking at this conception of trauma, it’s useful for me (and perhaps for you) to think of C-PTSD as occurring when the conditions of trauma are also the conditions of life -- so enduring and seemingly inescapable that they become normal -- and so normal that any indication or suggestion that they may be abnormal can trigger a strongly negative and even defensive response.

This is something I’ve been thinking about in writing recently. In Part II/Chapter 18 of TGB, Luca has his first experience of conscious anger -- not at his abusers, but at the friends who are challenging his perception that the conditions of his life are normal. As a child subjected to extreme abuse in a society that sanctions it, he made the subconscious decision to accept the apparently universal consensus that his abuse is appropriate and deserved. This is a survival strategy: it’s what allowed him to stay sane. To bend without breaking.

As Gabbert says, “Abused children are prone to ‘inappropriate bonding’ with their abusers” -- and if the abuse is not just systematic but systemic, the product of a larger social logic, then the victim may also form an attachment to that logic itself, for the simple reason that it is the only way for them to make sense of the otherwise senseless violence that defines their lives.

Gabbert connects the inappropriate bonding patterns of abused children to the fact that laboratory rats, "when given shocks in a certain part of a maze, will tend to return to that part of the maze” even knowing that they will be shocked again. As the scientist who worked on this experiment puts it, “The familiar is more rewarding to the rats than the unknown.”

If abuse is “the familiar” -- if it is as deeply woven into everyday experience as the facts of gravity and inertia, and has itself taken on the quality of a fact -- then “the unknown” can be impossible to imagine.

Joan Didion says that we tell ourselves stories in order to live. In the context of C-PTSD, we believe the stories that other people tell us about ourselves -- no matter how awful -- in order to live. That’s why, when we are confronted by the falsity of these stories, it can feel as though our lives are at stake. We can become protective of the very people, systems, and behaviors that have most imperiled us.

The work of healing begins when we begin to imagine the unknown -- to shape in our minds a territory outside and beyond the world that has been given to us.

In the context of hurt/comfort, and thinking back to Levine’s model of trauma avoidance, we might think of this as the discharge stage.

Recs for h/c that writes the discharge stage particularly well:

- “A Little Life,” by Hanya Yanagihara

- “Like An Arrow Through a Flock of Doves” by @arsenicjade and @hoosierbitch

- “Marks Not Yet Made,” by empty_room

- “Freak Camp,” by brosedshield and LaviniaLavender

- “Broken Road” and “My Lips Have the Sin,” by @hoosierbitch

- “Motion Training,” by nonymos

- “Ipseity,” by SkyisGray

- “In Hell He’ll Be in Good Company,” by barbaricyawp

(The last three are Stucky, simply because that fandom is particularly interested in trauma recovery. No points for guessing why.)

Let this be a placeholder for a longer, better post in which I identify what the discharge stage can look like in fiction and why it’s an essential element of the comfort arc in h/c.

ETA: I would also LOVE recs for other works that focus on this aspect of the /comfort arc!

#trauma #trauma theory #whump #ptsd #cptsd #hurt/comfort #pierrot writes #pierrot recs #tw

77 notes · View notes

ghostwise · 3 years

Text

not a homecoming, but something like it

There are two men arguing in front of her home.

This is a nuisance, but not an uncommon one. Her neighbors are colorful and loud, so she’s used to people being in her way. Gente estorbosa. Normally she would’ve simply pushed past them to get to her gate. However, these are no neighbors of hers, and that makes her hesitate.

The two men are not speaking Antivan, but she knows enough languages to follow along, even with the street’s lively background chatter.

“This is a mistake,” one of them says.

“At least it’ll be in character, then,” the other replies.

Adelmar shifts the grocery basket on her hip, waiting. They’ll move on their own soon enough, she suspects. Or perhaps they’ll notice her and confront her for eavesdropping. Oh! Then they’d get an earful.

“I am being serious. Why would she remember me, hm?”

“You remember her.”

“That doesn’t mean anything—”

“I think it means more than you expected it to. I think that’s why you’re trying to back out at the last minute.”

Adelmar is not sure what the men are arguing about. She’d assumed their relationship to be contentious but now the shorter of the two steps close to his companion, looping an arm around his waist in an unmistakably supportive and affectionate gesture.

“If you really think this is a mistake, then let’s go, vhenan.”

Neither of them moves.

Adelmar clears her throat. Fascinating as the conversation is, she doesn’t have all day. She has dinner to get started, and her basket is getting heavy.

They turn to look at her, and she drops everything.

Tinned coffee and spices, parcels of lamb, and oranges, which roll out across the cobbled street.

“¿Zevran?” Adelmar’s voice is uncertain. She never expected to speak that name again, but those eyes and that hair…

“Zevran… Chivito. No puedo creerlo.”

The man Zevran is with has begun to pick up her groceries, although somewhat haphazardly, dropping one orange for every three he grabs. “You see?” he calls out, darting after a can and swiping it before it gets rolled over by a cart. “I knew she’d recognize you!”

And Zevran, the little boy she’d read stories to in the brothel, the same brown eyes, just taller, smiles at her like she’s singing a song and he’s in her lap again.

The scene, with all its noise and shouting in the background, and fruit rolling this way and that, feels briefly absurd. Is she imagining this? She has to make sure. She needs to just look at him. Stepping across a gap of decades (but it’s really only a few feet), she reaches for Zevran. She touches his face. Notices his tattoo. Frowns.

“Ay,” she murmurs, removing her hand. It is him.

He bursts out laughing.

“Qué gusto me da verte.”

Close by and with the biggest smile, Hamal Mahariel watches, holding the basket with all the groceries Adelmar has dropped.

It had come up in conversation, casually, a few days earlier. They had been investigating a mark, and Zevran, in the midst of planning and preparing, mentioned, “You know, I grew up near here.”

Hamal blinked. Sometimes he suspected that growing up meant something different for Zevran than it did for him. Did he mean he’d become a Crow here, just thirteen when he’d first killed?

When asked to clarify Zevran gestured at the map before them. He pointed a finger just a few centimeters from their present location.

“Rialto. I lived there before the Crows… acquired me.”

“Mm,” Hamal said, mulling it over. It was always a careful balance on his part to gauge whether it was alright to press for information, or better to let Zevran share at his own pace. But he was curious. Zevran seldom spoke of his early years.

“I’d love to see it, if you’re up to visiting,” he said finally.

“Perhaps. If we have time.” Zevran smiled warmly at him. “But really, amor, the place means very little to me. I have no childhood home, unless you count the brothel my mother worked at. I had no family. No friends. None that would remember me, anyway.”

Then why bring it up? Hamal wondered.

“Consider it a sentimental request from your husband,” he said.

Zevran rolled up the map quietly. He planted a quick kiss on Hamal’s cheek.

“That, I can do.”

Adelmar’s home is small and welcoming, with a tiny patio separating the living area from the kitchen and washroom. Her husband is away for a few days. Her children, grown and gone. She has all the time in the world. She wants to hear everything.

“How did you find me?” she asks, looking at Zevran with wonder. A part of her still can’t believe he’s here.

“We happened to be in Rialto. I… asked around.”

“You went to El milagro,” Adelmar guesses.

Zevran gestures noncommittally.

“I haven’t been there for years and years. It feels like a lifetime ago. I’m surprised anyone remembered, or knew enough to send you my way,” she said. “I’m surprised you looked for me at all…”

Adelmar takes a deep breath. She’s stirring up memories—old thoughts and feelings, few of them pleasant, otherwise she would find it nostalgic.

Quickly, she catches herself and shakes off the gloom. She sets a hand on Zevran’s shoulder.

“But I’m glad you did. I really am so happy to see you. Look at how you’ve grown.”

“I wasn’t sure if I should come,” Zevran admits. “My husband convinced me. He’s nosy. It is why I keep him around.”

He chances a glance at Hamal, who is staying well out of the way. His Antivan still being rather rusty, he’s left Zevran and Adelmar to their conversation, and is currently helping chop vegetables for a stew.

“Well I’m glad for that,” Adelmar says, looking between the two men and beaming. Little Zevran—at her kitchen table and married no less!

“I never forgot you, Zevran,” she tells him. “If I had moved a little faster, saved a little more money, I would have left and brought you with me. You were so smart. You were always moving, running around, playing. In the end, it seems we both escaped to better circumstances,” she says finally, closing her eyes and sighing.

“Thank the Maker,” Zevran adds solemnly. Adelmar smiles, pleased at his manners.

“I’m so glad you’re doing well. So tell me,” she scoots closer and looks at him eagerly, “What sort of life did you have, after you were adopted?”

“Adopted?”

By the kitchen counter, Hamal catches the subtle edge in Zevran’s tone. He pauses, holding the knife in his hand as a lull falls over the kitchen table, but he doesn’t know enough Antivan to guess what’s happened.

What’s happened is this: Zevran and Adelmar came from the same place, and know enough about that life to instantly understand that a lie has been told.

“Oh,” Adelmar breathes after a moment. “You… you weren’t adopted.”

Zevran lets out a laugh. It’s his ‘stalling’ laugh, and now Hamal is looking over, arms crossed, searching his face for clues.

“I was not adopted,” he says. “But do not trouble yourself over that.” Then, smoothly redirecting, he gets up and locks eyes with Hamal.

“Shall I boil some water?” he asks, switching out of Antivan.

The tense moment is gone. Hamal nods, glancing at Adelmar. “I’ll start the fire.”

There’s a reason why the kitchen is kept apart from the rest of the house. While the soup simmers, they bring their visit to the adjacent patio, where a cool breeze offers relief. Tree branches from the outside—from a tamarind tree growing in the street—have stretched out over the wall and blessed Adelmar’s patio with shade and fruit.

Hamal makes a face when he tastes it. Glancing at Zevran, he holds his gaze and waits just long enough to make it clear he’s less than partial to the flavor.

“So delicious, vhenan.”

Zevran laughs. “Wait until you try it in drink form.”

“If you make it, I am sure I will enjoy it.”

Adelmar, knowing she’s touched upon a shared hurt between her and Zevran, makes up for it by talking about anything else. She is particularly interested in their wedding, and is scandalized when she hears they’ve only been married a few weeks.

“I missed it!” she exclaims.

“It was quite sudden, my friend,” Zevran says, as if there’d been a chance of her attending. “Spontaneous. Just the two of us. Very romantic.”

Hamal taps the handcrafted silver band around his ring finger. He gestures at Zevran. “Él lo hizo,” he says in the most accented Antivan ever. “Muy, muy… bello.”

Dinner is delicious. Despite some language barriers, their conversation is easy and effortless. It’s also, intentionally, vague. Adelmar learns that they met in Ferelden, that they’re on an important journey, and that the journey is a dangerous one.

Most importantly, she also learns that Zevran’s heart has survived its rocky passage into adulthood, whole, if not unscathed. The core of the little boy she’d known in the brothel is there, even if he himself does not realize it. It brings her immense comfort.

The visit ends all too quickly, and though she asks them to stay the night, she isn’t surprised when they decline.

“Thank you for your hospitality,” Hamal tells Zevran, who relays the message to Adelmar.

“You and Hamal are welcome, always,” Adelmar assures him. “Will you visit again?”

“If it is less dangerous,” Zevran says. “We were not followed here. But repeated visits might be difficult. Risky.”

“I understand. Not right away, then. When you can. We still have so much to talk about.”

“I would like that,” Zevran agrees.

They share one last hug, the three of them, and Adelmar watches them slip into the night.

“I need to brush up on my Antivan,” Hamal says. “But I enjoyed meeting her.”

“She liked you a lot,” Zevran says, smiling. Hamal laughs.

“You talked about me?”

“Of course. I had to show you off.” He winks at him. Then, with a soft intake of breath, Zevran looks away with his brow furrowed, the lines of his tattoo tense.

“… They told her I’d been adopted. All these years, and she had no idea. I’m almost sorry she had to find out otherwise.”

They’ve traveled for hours, leaving the city behind. Bright points of light shine overhead. The night sky of Antiva smells of jasmine and the distant sea.

“That’s awful,” Hamal says, looking at him.

“What a farce,” Zevran says bitterly. “Just like everything the Crows do. Operating in the open, but hidden from view. Buying children and lives while people look the other way.” Earnestly, his brown eyes black in the dark, he shakes his head. “It must end. It must.”

Hamal touches the lines of his tattoo, calloused fingers grounding him.

“Ma nuvenin, Zevran Arainai. It will.”

A short piece to introduce my OC, Adelmar Provencio. If you ever read my WIP For Suffering is Such a Part, you’ve met her through flashbacks already. While I love the idea of Zevran taking down the Crows alone, please consider, Zevran taking down the Crows with the support of a community, strengthened by the bonds he’s made in his life...

Adelmar plays a further role in the story, so hopefully I can write more for her!

#dragon age #zevran arainai #mahariel #zevran x warden #rinnywrites #oc: hamal mahariel #oc: adelmar provencio

131 notes · View notes

kim-monsterlings · 3 years

Text

Tyr - M Firbolg x NB Human (Reader) // NSFW Monster Match

Monster match for @wildcardwithaheart / @monsterdaydreamz <3

Matches under the read more!

Content: NSFW/Lemon; drinking alcohol (unspecified), intimate embraces (cuddling, sitting closely together, thigh touching), teasing, flirting, light kissing, mutual pining (idiots to lovers/friends to lovers), slight possessiveness/protectiveness, throat kisses, dirty talk, praise kink, giving oral/blowjob (no explicit release), receiving oral (+ release), fading out

Masterlist // Monster Match Info + Masterlist // My Ko-Fi

Headcanon

So rarely you let your thoughts free in unfamiliar environments that your soft commentary remained unchallenged. You hadn't then considered how out of place you were - invited by a friend, and the burden of a stare weighed heavy on your conscience.

Had you overstepped?

Conversation drifted from the topic (one contentious after your input), though cushions sunk beside you. Returning with two new drinks, braids as thick as an orc's tangling at his nape, you shared a small smile with the firbolg leaning close, braced by an arm behind your shoulders.

From the first question, you knew Tyr would ease his way into your heart.

Voice naturally low, he rumbled, "why would you think that?"

Even the alcohol hadn't coaxed you from your shell, though he presented a newer challenge. "Why wouldn't I?"

When your friend extended an invitation to another gathering - promising it to be not quite a party and not all strangers you couldn't help wondering if Tyr would be there.

The firbolg and the stubble gracing his dusk-toned, rounded jaw barely left your mind before entering another lounge. For having met him only once, you agonised for far too long over what to wear.

It felt like so much longer with how easily you warmed to his presence, and the press of a heavy hand to your lower back came without any sudden nerves on your part - only a flutter in your navel.

Every hope of steering the conversation to something you were knowledgeable on fled. Time passed by clinging to his flippant comments, wanting to learn more about him and by extension, his interests, but you could remember nothing as you found his dark lips rising, frame leaning down against you.

Two unopened bottles clinked in his palm.

"Shall we?"

Sentences flowed without inhibition, even before alcohol banished any last anxieties. At any potential intrusion, Tyr gently guided them away - each time encouraging you to continue with a gentle nod.

That he wanted to hear more flustered you well past finishing your drinks, when he leaned closer.

So close, his hand reached for your thigh and tightened.

"While you find the end of your sentence," he murmured. "I'll get us another drink."

He didn't seat himself that near when he returned and a sudden ache crept over the pleasure of the evening; a reminder that what you shared was nothing more than a common interest in knowledge, not in one another.

Until the next, smaller night, you forced all thoughts of Tyr from mind.

A passing comment had burned you. It lured you together and he braced himself by holding a hand over yours.

Only when your friend laughed did his proximity register.

"Why don't you just kiss already?"

Tyr's words faltered on a sharp breath and you swallowed, whispering, "why would we kiss?"

Nothing more was said, and you left for refills before the firbolg could, desperate for air.

He still followed.

Wide, furred ears twitched as you scuffed your feet.

"Let me be the first to say it." Careful steps closer brought him to stand almost flush against you. "I've been an idiot."

Why don't you just kiss already?

"Glad you've finally come to your senses."

In the pale light, you almost deceived yourself into believing his cheeks were flushed darker when he stroked calloused palms to yours. "Quiet, you." He bowed his head to whisper, "let me kiss you?"

Too shocked to nod - too scared of scaring him away, you lifted to kiss him yourself. If muffled voices searched in your path after a prolonged disappearance, neither of you cared, lost as you were in finally having the other, his touch flitting along your hips.

He tasted sweet on your lips.

"I could learn something from you."

Tyr chuckled. "Took you long enough to admit it."

"Kiss me again?"

There came the conclusion to persisting debates turning into arguments. One lift of your chin or a tap to his jaw signalled the end by a slanting of lips, often too breathless to speak for a long while after.

Drabble

Tonight of all nights - somewhat an anniversary of little more than a month officially dating, the tension knotted through your body couldn't be displaced by a guiding tap of fingertips to your cheeks. However much you adored the firbolg pinning you to his lap by an arm thick with muscle, his lips occasionally soft against your shoulder, your debate wasn't with him.

Never conceding or admitting the retorts you offered were far more comprehensible than their alcohol-induced rant, you itched to leave. Tyr no longer needed to hear you express your unease - when you tried to explain, all that left you was a strained whine - and your slight fidgeting became enough of an indication that he hid a smile in your nape.

He steered you out, eventually leading you home - not without a sharp warning gritted between teeth when the drunken guest baited you back. All of the strain from the night seemed to drain from you indoors, a plea for a calm remainder of the night on the tip of your tongue, only for it to be swept away by Tyr's parting your lips and his deep groan.

Rough palms ran over your waist, down lower, sinking into the backs of your thighs. "You make me so proud," he murmured, thumbs stroking heavy patterns nearer your aching hips. "Clever little thing."

Stuttering and gasping at the arm of the sofa digging against your back, you breathed, "I am?"

"The things your pretty lips can do."

Like that, so simply, you buckled. Resting back and allowing him to guide your palm to his unbuckled trousers, you stroked his hardening length - the same darker hue as his lips, trembling. Tyr nudged his hips forward and stroked over your hair.

"Want to show me what else they do?"

The promise of how your evening would now be spent made your chest tighten. "Please."

Having him ease the swollen head of his cock between your lips filled you with the same warmth he let free in a husky breath of your name. His pleasure surrounded you in every sudden intake as you cupped him, leaning forward, taking him deeper.

"Keep being good for me - so, so good, aren't you?"

When his cock twitched at your tongue tracing his seeping slit, so very near now, he returned the favour by taking you in his arms and laying you on the bed. Tyr never failed to undress you by admiring your outfit, the effort gone into it, and you felt his adoration with the weight of his hips dragging up between yours. Soft sighs nuzzled against your inner thigh - "look at you, waiting so patiently for me," he'd whisper with a gentle kiss - before bringing his tongue where you ached most until you bucked against him.

If engaging in debate with someone else led to this, you would do it more often.

80 notes · View notes

mintseesaw · 4 years

Text

Aurora | 2

aurora - n. dawn Pairing: general!jungkook x princess!reader Genre: angst, smut, historical au, joseon dynasty au, established relationship au, secret love affair au Word count: 7.9k Warnings: smut, outdoor sex, rough sex, details of struggles due to war, manifestation and mentions of hallucinations, lewd dreams, manifestation of character dynamic Summary: A story that centers on a forbidden love affair amidst the centuries-long war of greed and power. Rating: explicit mature content Disclaimer: based on King Sejong’s time, yet is fictional and not historically accurate note: uhm,,, I’m sorry?? yfasksksdkh song recs for this chapter: still with you (jungkook) and through the night (IU)

With your back facing the front lawn of the house kneeling as you lay the fresh mint leaves onto the fabric covered bamboo mat, you scramble in your feet when you hear the distinct sound of the wicket opening to reveal the person you have been expecting home for an hour ago. That was what Jungkook had caught you up in, drying some greens for his daily dose of tea he has grown fond of over the course of months of your marriage.

“Jungkook, you’re back. What did the king want from you?” You asked, expectantly. Of course, he had anticipated your curiosity when the king, whom you have no contact with since your marriage, suddenly summoned him. Your husband. Jungkook did not respond as he greets you with an embrace and a soft peck on top of your head. “Seobang-nim,” you call, however, Jungkook has other intentions rather than entertain your curiosity. “I miss you, wife.” He mumbles against your temple. Your mouth slowly curves into a smile. His sweet, little remarks always win a reaction from you. “You saw me before you went to the palace.” “Still…” Jungkook trails, proceeding with his very intention through the tiny prurient squeezes of his palms on your hips. Adamant to know more about his itinerary, you lightly pull back to peer at your indifferent husband. His grip intentionally loosens, but not enough to let you go. Yet, it was an opportunity for you to increase your proximity. “Tell me, what was the purpose of your visit? Why would His Majesty suddenly summon you?” With your tilted head and focused, expectant eyes, waiting for him to supply you an answer, he draws a heavy sigh. “He wants me back in the service. Did it answer your curiosity, wife? Now, can I indulge my breakfast? I did not have a proper meal last night, wife.” He sentiments, with a trickle of provocative tone in his whisper. He sees you peeking from your eyelashes, giving him a glare, as if silently scolding him for obnoxiously lying through his teeth. However, before you could accuse him of anything, a small yelp instead broke out from your throat as Jungkook lunges forward, using his obvious advantage to make his lewd thoughts a reality. Given your unsuspecting mind and feeble-like strength due to last night’s steamy activities, Jungkook is well aware you had not regain your stamina just yet to oppose his advances. With the evidence of his arousal pressing deliciously against your stomach, your protests were swallowed as he devours your mouth whole. His hands on your nape controlling his ministration and on the small of your back maneuvering your length right against his towering built. Contentious with his early carnal needs, you try to keep your heavy-lidded eyes open as the warmth of his mouth spreads so heavenly on the length of your neck.

“Jungkook,” He hears you mewl. His mouth twitched, just by your weakening grip onto the fabric of his robe and your soft, breathless call of his name tell him your supposed defiance is slowly disappearing into bubbles of vapor. As his constricting arousal longs for your tight, warm sheath, he wasted no more time, hoisting you up in his embrace and strutted effortlessly towards the terrace. Carefully, he laid you flat against the timber-made floor, then swiftly hovers your body in between your thighs with his arms supporting his weight above you. With urgency, he shuffles through the multi-layered articles of your skirt, lifting them up until your undergarments are visible enough for him to be able to pull the strings to remove the tiny piece of fabric hiding his hidden gem. In other times, he would show you just how much he loves worshipping every inch of your body through his mouth and fingers without losing the momentum, if not inflaming his desire more. But right now, he just needs to fill you up good, fast and hard. As he proceeds to open his robe, pulling the strings of his baji to free his length, he felt the warm squeeze of your hand in his arm. His dark, lustful eyes squinted to yours. “Jungkook, someone might come in.” You attempted to argue in between your rapid intake of breaths. With an arch of his eyebrow, he manage to make a point to ease your worry, “We have not had a visitor since our marriage, Jagi. Do not worry about it. Have you not seen me locked the door when I arrived?” You shook your head, not trusting your voice. But as he releases his aroused member, he caught your pellucid eyes as hunger slowly replaces your supposed hesitation. Knowing he has gained all your focus now, specifically in his bare lower region, Jungkook pumps his sleek length. Your loose grip in his arm gradually closes tightly, your teeth piercing through the suppleness of your lip. He couldn’t wait any moment longer, he nudges his head on the curve of your neck to counter the tremors of lust coursing through his body, giving you a second more before he loses it all. With his skillful fingers, he uncovers your dripping core. His awaiting steel hard cock coming in contact on your warm, fully aroused center as his sensitive head pokes in your warm entrance. “Forgive me for taking you this way my love, I just need to be inside you now.” And just as he utters those words, he jerks his hips against your pelvis so forcefully that his balls slam right at your other hole from the impact, as his tip touching the undiscovered depths in your sheath. “J-Jungkook!” Your screams pierced through your throat uncontrollably as he builds an incredibly unforgiving pace. “I’ll make it up to you tonight, jagi.” He promises in between pleasurable groans. The tightness of your hot walls around his thickness indicates his intrusion must be painful for you—a stark contrast to the blissful grip of your tight pussy around his shaft. But the way you cling onto him, the way you meet his powerful thrusts halfway through, and the way your back arches when he rams so deep inside, indicate a different story. “Do you like it, my love? Tell me. Tell me how I make you feel, Jagi.” He demands, wanting to wring something from you just to validate the endless strings of pleasure trailing in his lower region. “It feels good, Jungkook please… Don’t stop, don’t—” another cry rips through you as your walls spasm involuntarily at the intense surge of sparks spreading from your core. He knows, you’re close just as he is. In most instances, he would prolong his pleasure, delivering you to the end several times, yet not chasing his own, and only reaching for his orgasm only when you’re too exhausted to take him yet again. However, this moment is not among those cases. Right now, he wouldn't deprive himself from chasing his release as it becomes too powerful, too addicting to prolong. “Yes, yes. Fuck!” He hisses onto your neck, endlessly pummeling through you. And just about another inch of moment where he reaches the seventh heaven, he feels his shoulder shook. With a flick of a finger, his world came in a painful halt. Then everything turns black, and into evanescence, he arduously returns into the real world. Particularly, in the depths of the woods where he'd wasted himself in the dead of the night along with his subordinates. As his smoky vision briefly skims through his surroundings, he immediately concluded his fate last night. He failed to make it inside his tent, and the only thing he could blame it for is the alcohol his subordinates had provided the night prior. He was too intoxicated, and the spirit of alcohol still lingers in his head as he felt it faintly pounds. At least he had the decency to sleep against a tree. The army had camped here to rest for the night, but the intended rest turned into a chaotic, wasted moment of their lives.

He lifted his death glare to whoever dared cut off his dream, ready to slice their head off of their shoulders. Jungkook was met with an anguish looking soldier. “My lord, forgive me for disturbing your rest but our comrades— they are trying to kill each other. One of them is already severely wounded.” The soldier exclaimed frighteningly, his face is covered with beads of sweat. Why did these soldiers even partook the army only to be such wimps dealing with their violent comrades? The commotion could be heard from his spot, the clashing sounds of sword against sword could be heard through the peaceful silence in the forest. Dismayed, Jungkook collected himself. He dismisses the soldier through a wave in his hand then disgruntledly rub his palms on his face to wear off his hazy vision and stood, bracing himself for another long day of journey. He must remind his subordinates who is in-charge of this army. However, with his head lowered, he notices the effect his dream had caused a mere second before he had recognized the pain. There it was, a tent of his own arousal. Groaning, he deliberately bumps his head against the uneven surface of the trunk of the indigenous tree he had slept against at. Dozing off in the oddest, most incoherent positions and places is not something foreign for him, for the soldiers. At some point, they had to spend nights stuck inside manholes in the middle of the forest to catch the rebels— who like them, have manmade caves to keep their tracks untraceable.

The ache in his back and neck he undoubtedly obtained from spending the night leaning against the hard bark of the tree in is nothing compared to the constricting pain in the expanse of his lower region. His lewd dreams had frequented in his nights these past few months—years even. They not only consist of his dirty little fantasies with you, but figments of how he'd imagine his future to be. They are almost real, and a story on their own. He‘s certain he’s gone crazy by the manner his dreams are able to create the images his heart had coveted, how his thoughts hone his dreams and stir something feral from his body, his impure needs. Perhaps, that’s how he had cope with your absence. Time had passed by a blur, but his feelings had not. It’s not so surprising to ponder over it for you are his other half, the soulmate the gods have bestowed upon him. He only needs to fulfill his mission, and it won’t be too long until he completes it. He misses you just as his soul longs to hear your delicate voice, your sweet laughter. He covets to be blessed upon your elegant beauty, and your bright smiles.

He had considered writing letters for you to ease the longingness in his bereft heart. However, the risks are too high for him to act upon his wish. Being an enemy in the unclaimed territory, foreign rebels would not think twice of hurting someone on his behalf. And that includes you. The adversity the two of you had caused four years ago left an ugly wound on your reputation, that was what he had gathered from his messenger. Despite the hierarchy of your status, noble families in the capital refuse to offer their unmarried sons to the princess for fear of being inflicted with misfortune tailing from the sin you had committed. The thought of you having to endure the pain from the gratuitous judgement of the people became his nightmare. No. It used to be his nightmare, as convinced by his selfish instincts. A blessing in disguise. In the midst of the predicament both of you have endured for years, your situation had only amplified his hope and eagerness to survive the uncertainty living in the battlefield. If no one would want to have your untouched, pure soul, he will gladly have you in his arms. With the military power he had acquired, the significant impact the army under his leadership had contributed over the years, and the loyalty of the army to him, the king would not refuse to his bidding. Even with a promised prince at your disposal. Still, the fear of losing you for someone else had cogently crossed his mind. Rare is when he dwells into solitude. And it is fortunate to be the case for him as he would not have to deal with the overwhelming plethora of emotions his heart carries every sane second of his life in the north. Mayhaps, his traitor mind chooses to play fool of him through an endless series of dreams. Of you. With you. It was a tricky game that he willingly succumbs himself into. Through the years, he had lost count how many lives he had ended, how much enemies had his sword touched their blood in order to survive the truculent situation in the borders. He knows, despite having his foot buried deep in the ground, he would survive in the death trap alive or, at least, breathing. But he realized, the longer he endures the uncertainty in the north, the higher the possibility of him losing in another battle. That, or he’d have to have you as soon as he arrives in the capital. That was his final consolation before he proceeds to slice through the disturbing sound of commotion, cheers of encouragement rather than peace. It was not only him who had gone insane from the years worth of ordeal they had braved through, it seems. The mere sight of a brawl now entertain his army. If these pieces of shit do not stop killing each other off just by the presence of their general, Jungkook might as well do the job, himself.

Since the deployment of the extensive military presence at the borders of Joseon, neighboring empires have adopted similar strategy to protect their own lands from possible foreign invasions. In Joseon empire, threats of rebellion were already ceased some months ago. But the war didn’t dissipate in Joseon. Now bearing enemies inside the territory. Among the endless reasons why the king had out of nowhere summoned one of his trusted allies, is to seek perspective over these matters from someone as wise as he is. Perhaps, wiser than he could have ever been. Since his ascension to the throne, his brother had completely extended his loyalty to him. With his brother on his side, he was able to see the situations on the outside palace. Corrupt officials from isolated states are seized, stripped off their positions, and arrested for the rest of their lifetime. The only thing they have not agreed so far is the forthcoming marriage of the princess with a Ming royalty. The former prince considers it an unwise judgment to arrange the princess’ marriage with a foreign ally, arguing foreign empires, an ally or not, will inevitably shift partisan as the need arises. If war stirs between them in the future, the princess may be used as a token of weakness against the Joseon empire. “Rumor has it that Councillor Kang is plotting to stir a commotion regarding the first born son’s title, Your Majesty.” He supplies to the King before taking a graceful sip from his tea cup. Perhaps, if there is one thing he misses in his previous life, it’s the refreshment teas and the sumptuous serving of meals in the palace that are exclusively served for the royal family. His resources are now limited, despite the constant help the Queen Dowager sends in his behalf, he cannot rely on anyone for his survival. King Namjoon made a sound of agreement, deeply in thought of his current predicament. “I have anticipated that even before Consort Li gave birth to my son. The opposition will always find a way to seek for my weakness.” “They cannot use the prince against you or the queen. The customs favor your wife in this matter. For a concubine’s son to qualify as the crown prince, he must be taken under the care of the queen. But in this case, no existing law would support the Southern Party’s agenda if the queen is already carrying the next king.” King Namjoon heaves a long sigh, viisibly relaxing, despite the creases present on his forehead. He had thought the same thing. “You are right. Clearly, they have nowhere to go but to follow the process. However, something portent tells me this does not conclude their plan to destroy our family. I need to gather enough proof of their misdeeds before they come chasing for my dethronement.” Namjoon discloses the last remnants of his worries. Yoongi’s lips curve into a dark smug, disgusted by the audacity of those greedy snakes to even attempt to disrespect the throne of the monarch with their lousy lives. "You mean, you are thinking of the possibility that they may attempt to challenge your throne, Your Majesty?” Yoongi echoes. As the thought crosses his mind, he agrees with the king. There is a possibility. However, would the favored faction risk their positions over a poorly, indecisive move?

As if the monarch heard his thoughts, King Namjoon proceeds to speak, "The Southern Party will not dare lose their only chance to be in government. They know of my capabilities. I could turn and replace the government if they insist against my will. This is why I need your help, Hyung-nim. I need to know what the people think of my first born son. They might consider using my people for their selfish interests.” Yoongi studies the king’s face for a moment, recognizing something he only ever had witnessed once when their father had succumbed to his illness, vulnerability. “Of course, Your Majesty. Expect my letters in the coming days. I will envoy a different messenger to avoid raising suspicions from the state council.” He immediately bid a farewell to the monarch, before leaving the royal quarters of the study. Discreetly, he saunters across the length of the endless maze-like hallways in the royal residence. No one must have recognized him for even the court ladies who run into his way did not stop to pay respect to the king’s brother. It did not matter to him, because his unrecognizable identity allowed him to live peacefully outside the palace. As he scurries past the series of familiar quarters, his mind wanders back to the discussion he had exchanged with the king.

Yoongi did not willingly lose his title, in favor of his younger brother just for the throne to be snatched away by these corrupt officials. He knew. He already had the realization at a young age that the throne, his birthright, was not for him. It was not his right, not only because he despises the tremendous responsibility that the title carries but he perceives his skills are not equally meant to rule the nation his father had cherished all his life. Despite inherently having the highest title a prince could acquire, he believed the third born prince, his prodigy brother, deserved to be the next in line in the throne. With this in mind, he did the simplest form of deviation, committing ungracious and inappropriate acts inside the court. His misbehavior acts lasted for months until the state council had had enough of it. Yoongi succeeded, he was stripped off his title. But he paid the lasting price of his deviance. Being banished in the palace as the court perceives his presence as a threat to the next heir.

It was an ironic thought. He deliberately lose his title only to be seen as a threat to the throne. Following this predicament, frightened by ascending to the highest title of a prince, the second born prince abandoned his title in pursuit of his dreams.

The assumption of crown prince was then passed to the third born prince. His feet continued to take him to the right paths. Never relenting, mindlessly scanning the nostalgic, extravagant constructions in the royal residence. Not until he heard a familiar feminine voice that he abruptly stops and peers behind his back. Catching a glimpse of his sister, his stoic expression slowly softens. You quickly strutted forward without losing the grace you had mastered from being taught since you were tiny when the top of your head barely reached his hips. Excitement bubbled up inside you at the sight of your eldest brother. You lower your head, and instead of hearing a proper greeting from your brother, he scolds you just like the old times. "Stop the formalities, Princess. I am no longer of title.” Your eyebrows form a line while a smile ghosts on your expression. “But you are still a Grand Prince for me.” He leans closer and ruffles the side of your perfectly braided hair, to which earns a protest from you. His smile widens, revealing the sets of his pearly white teeth. “I have missed you. It’s been a while since you’ve showed up here. What brings you here? Have you visited mother? What about the King?” He bursts into series of soft chuckles. “Slow down, little flower. No one is chasing you down here, is there?” Your face stretches in a frown, "You seemed to be already going out of the palace, Orabeoni. Do you not wish to see us before you go?” "I apologize, Your Highness, I have matters to attend to. I will come back to visit you and Her Majesty in the future." You sigh, but nod in understanding of the situation. His life now revolves outside the palace, you realized. "I hope you have been living well?" “You don’t have to worry about me. Perhaps, it would not be wise to tell you in detail the beautiful things I have witnessed during my travels.” He regards, meaningfully. You understood what he meant.

The bright smile your face adorns slowly fading, “You have heard, haven’t you? That was a long time ago...” The least for him to do to fill the void of the loss of his family is through gathering news about them. It was the safest means for him to remain knowledgable of his family’s matters rather than exchanging letters with them. Despite losing his royal status, living outside has given him the wholly overview of the nation. He had learned a lot of things for his survival and for his scholarly works. With his brother’s permission to delve into the records in the Bureau of State Records for his scholarly works, he stumbled upon the history of his ancestors, and the untold secrets of the old royal families. Even the undiscovered edicts, one of which would soon reverberate through the empty halls of the palace.

“I always know what goes on in here even when I’m not around.” A small smile rests on the corner of his lips in the hopes of lessening your sudden uneasiness. Somehow, it did. “What about Prince Hoseok? Have you heard of him? Since his disappearance, the queen dowager and Prince Taehyung refused to talk about his whereabouts.” “Do not worry about Hoseok. He is, like I am, in the best condition of his life.” He prompts with collected patience. Living far from the extravagant lifestyle was difficult to get used to. But as the beauty of life slowly unravels for his eyes to admire on, he realizes he had no regrets giving up everything his previous life had offered before him. For you to navigate the same onerous path he took to endure the new, yet simple living, he’d rather have you revolved your life around the good side of the world, somewhere where nobility surrounds you. Life outside the palace is cruel and filled with misfortunes and unsaid miseries. “I’m relieved to hear that. Please take this before you go,” You say, reaching out to your braided hair, unclasping the gold pin and placing it in his unwilling palm. He arches an eyebrow, questioningly. "It’s the only thing I have right now—“ “I should take my leave now, Your Highness.” “Right, then please accept my gift, brother. I believe it carries luck as well as my prayers… for your security.” Yoongi draws a long breath, closing his palm around the metallic piece of accessory, wondering what he would it use for. Crouching forward, he places an affectionate kiss on the top of your head, dropping a promise, “I will come see you when you get married.” Your brother swiftly pulls back and turns away without sparing a single glance from your direction, heading off towards the secret passage that only you and your siblings knew. The same path you crossed when you took off years ago. His sudden disappearance made your apprehension profound, and at the mention of a forthcoming marriage, it left a disturbing, unwarranted feeling at the pit of your stomach. You have been faithfully loyal to your promise, despite the uncertainty. You tirelessly waited for his return. But, it does not mean you would only vain while you remain unmarried. You have aged a couple years since he left the capital. While you age more, your royal duty becomes inescapable. Years without him have not been forgiving, but there was nothing you could hope for as you remained out of the attention of the government, avoiding an inevitable marriage— something that should have happened several years ago. As much as the queen dowager worries for your future, the situation seems to be more a blessing than curse for you. You have no power to control an arrangement that only the queen and the king have, and the only way for you to stay unmarried is to avoid the marriage itself. However, you know, as time ticks off, the life of a lighted candle decreases. So are your chances. You wish to see him, at least, at the break of dawn.

On the east side of the grand palace, unbeknownst to the rest of the royal family, the queen had met with the queen dowager in the garden of Huwon, at the similar period of time while the king and his brother were at the royal residence. A couple of servants and royal guards were awaiting on behalf on the foot of the pavilion. More than a year ago, the queen dowager had descended from the throne when the first ranking lady in the Selection whose father governs a remote state in a distant province assumed the highest position a female of title can acquire. From then on, the king's mother had learned to trust the queen for her genuine efforts in regulating the palace women's affairs. With her faith on the queen's fair judgement to the matters in the inner court, she bestowed her blessing to arrange the princess' marriage with a suitable man of nobility. It was the purpose of their vigilant meeting in the secluded royal garden of the East Palace. But the profound carefulness in addressing the matter had soon reached the prying ears of the government officials through their scattered watchful spies disguised as servants inside the grand palace. Rumors of your betrothal rapidly spread through the halls of the palaces and into the capital. Your forthcoming marriage had been expected years ago, but as you had remained unmarried for a long time, the society had already concluded your future. Being a lonely maiden for lifetime, as your punishment for painting damages to your virtue and disobeying the gods’ laws. When the news reaches Yoongi, he immediately decided to return to the capital.

Several days later, half of the army from the northern border had finally returned to the capital, and into the East Palace’s throne hall, they had paid a respect to the king of the nation. The couple hundreds of soldiers in a full view from the king's throne, it was a display of the king’s military power from the watchful eyes of the prospective enemies. While the army stood outside, across the king’s throne hall, General Jeon entered the royal throne to present himself as the leader’s army which he had led for the past four years. His left arm holds his head armor, the other hand securing two scrolls as he takes long powerful strides across the length of the hall towards the awaiting monarch on the throne. With his head high, he stopped in front of the throne, before he crouches on his bended knee, and lowered his head in front of the King. It was not long before he rose back from his feet. The authoritative voice of the contented king resonates inside the throne hall. “I am glad you have survived the war, Jeon. I have not missed a reading on all your accomplishments. Although your army have lost a great amount of soldiers in the past four years, I am immensely impressed by your skills and leadership for you have not only captured the rebel leaders but also conquered parts of the outside north.” King Namjoon could perhaps be in an ephemeral peace. With the influence and loyalty of the army the general has come to acquire, General Jeon would make a great ally for his empire. He needs to keep it that way. “It is the only way I see fit to end the war against the rebels. If we have not conquered the North, they will not surrender on their own.” General Jeon proceeds, with the boldness of him to return the stare of the king. King Namjoon did not mind, in fact, the fearlessness that the General emits through his mere stature impresses him. The same general couldn’t even risk lifting a gaze in front of the ruler a few years ago. But the young general before is nowhere near recognizable from the man standing in front of him. The battlefield had honed the general into a real soldier. Tracing his stubble on his jaw, he continues to praise the general, “I commend you, Jeon. I must say, you are wiser than the late general. What have you brought for your king in your return, May I ask?” Jungkook didn’t waste any second longer, handing out one of the scrolls to the king’s eunuch. He waited until the eunuch places it on the king’s table before concluding the content of the scroll. “That record accounts for the extension of the lands outside the northern border. The peasants and commoners who reside in these areas now recognize you as their king. With this piece of record, no other ruling monarch would question your ownership to the conquered lands. Unless, they want to seek war against your kingdom.” “I am beyond impressed, Jeon.” King Namjoon asserted, clearly showing his utter astonishment. As he skims over the sloppy, almost unillegible calligraphy, Jungkook decides to prompt another matter, a significant one. “Perhaps, Your Majesty, you have heard that the Ming empire had sent an ally troop for us in the north.” Showing too little interest over the subject, King Namjoon's attention stills on the scroll’s content. “I am aware, General Jeon. What matters with it?” “Commander Park, the leader of the Ming army, is the 13th prince of the Ming empire, full blooded brother of Emperor Kim. One of his brothers had warned him about the traitors in the Joseon court. It is Councilor Kang who attempted to seek alliance with the Ming princes against your ascension, Your Majesty.” At the mere mention of the Southern Party's leader, the attention of the king immediately shifted to the general. Perplexed, the heat of anger rushes in him. If this is the truth, he would make the Southern Party receive an unforgiving punishment for threatening his throne. “You don’t say…” The king dangerously trails, “Do you understand what your allegation could mean if it bears no truth?” King Namjoon couldn’t seem to perceive the credibility of his claim. There was nothing he could read from the general. Nothing but the dead in his eyes. “I am merely relaying the words of Commander Park to you, Your Majesty. It is not an accusation from me but a warning not to trust Kang’s pretense intent of peace.” With the dark grin ghosting on the general's face, King Namjoon scrutinized his expression. What is his motive? “You are not telling me this out of concern for my throne, Jeon.” He warily prompts, testing the waters. He has no doubts of his loyalty. If there is one thing the king is certain, Jungkook honors his words. But with the sudden shift of the discussion, King Namjoon is suddenly holed up with utter confusion. The slight curve of Jungkook’s lips twitches more as his eyes remain black. Empty. “You are right, Your Majesty.” Jungkook has been keeping it long enough, after fulfilling his duty and his unspoken promise to his father, it’s about time to fulfill the most important one in his lifetime. “What is it that you wish in exchange for this giving me this information?” “I have not yet told you that Commander Park and Prince Jimin are the same person. It is the same prince you have arranged betrothal with Princess ______, is it not Your Majesty?” His eyes narrowed. So this is about the princess all along? “That matter is not of your concern, Jeon Jungkook. You must know where your position would account for your regard. I would not wish for you to be among my enemies, Jeon. Stay away from the princess.” admonishes the monarch. “I do not wish to start a war against you, Your Majesty. I am merely seeking for your blessing to grant me this decree.” Jungkook raises the scroll before holding it forward towards the Eunuch’s reach. He spoke no more and waited for the King to read the decree. Once King Namjoon got hold of it, he urgently opened the scroll, eyes eagerly skimming over the texts written in familiar calligraphy. Jungkook watches the shock slowly uncovers from the face of the King. The control and power crumbling into pieces as the riffles his eyes through him pellucidly, throwing the scroll on his table. Whatever it is that was in the decree has discomfited the king as the darkness of his eyes now matches the general's lifeless eyes.

“This couldn’t be possible…” He calmly concluded amidst the fury his expression is giving away. Did he think he had outsmarted me? King Namjoon silently thought. He turns to his side, the glower in his face effortlessly made his Eunuch tremble in fear. “Call the Chief Secretary!” He ordered. Despite the king's anger, Jungkook remains passive, anticipating the worst that may blew up by revealing the undisclosed edict. If this is the his ploy in order to have the king capitulated on his terms, he has to pay for the inexorable price of his crime, a military official or not.

On the other side of the capital, there you were in the market, enjoying your time outside the palace. This day is one of the few instances you are allowed to wander off in the capital. The Queen has reasonably permitted for your gratuitous trips. You are grateful for she did not perceive your royal status as a threat to her ascension for you want to sustain a peaceful relationship with the royal family. Years ago when Jungkook brought you in this particular shop, you have frequented here since. The lady merchant has grown a liking to you for you have always been one among her generous customers. The pieces of accessories they sell, you have learned, were crafted by individuals of no noble descents. Your fondness of buying illegally published literally books was replaced by adding up pieces by pieces of jewelry and hair accessories to your collection. After a moment of eclectic selection, you finally have made up your mind which pieces you would purchase this time. Instead of making your way back to the palace after purchasing these items, you decided to stay a little longer, absentmindedly surveying the variety of inexpensive goods aside from the luxurious pieces the shop sell.

A few feet away from your stance, a rugged looking man of seemingly from a noble trace with the dark, elegant shade of his robe approaches the same merchant. And even without a gay atop his head, the rarity of his robe’s colors colors could already be speaking of power. This man is not just one among those government officials that commoners frequently see in the daylight.

The eager shop owner beams, noticing the indifference of the noble man’s eyes as they bore over the pool of jewelry pieces and accessories. Perhaps, another prospected customer who is merely buying for their lover, “My Lord, do you wish to buy something for your wife?” It was then the lips stretch in an endearing smile, “Yes, I’d like to purchase something for my lady. Do you have something to recommend for me?”

The shop owner surveys the official for a brief moment, before an idea pops into her mind. “Oh, I have been keeping this one of a kind piece for a long time, now. If you are interested, My Lord, I’ll show it to you.” The shop owner regards in a mysterious, lingering tone, as if to pique his curiosity. Why did she not offer you this piece? You pondered, without lifting your gaze upon them. “Go on.” He encourages. The seller holds out a small intricately designed box, opening it in front of him to reveal a pair of plain yet immaculately crafted gold rings. "This was brought to a temple for five days in order to bring good fate for lovers. The shaman said to sell this to lovers who are willing to pay generously in exchange for a good future.” In a heartbeat, the man curtly nodded. "Consider it sold.” He says in a certain tone. The shop owner’s eyes widened in surprise, immediately collecting the box, allowing no opportunity for the man seemingly in a high-ranking position to afford such to change his mind. “Your lover is lucky to have you, My Lord.” The lady dreamily remarked. He only smiled and didn’t speak further as he hands out a generous amount of currency in exchange of the content of the small box.

You were there all along, listening closely to the interaction. The strange man caught your unsolicited attention with his mere voice. That’s what it seems. You're as puzzled as overwhelmed from unintentionally hearing the interaction. But you’re certain, he’s not the one you think he is. The man only sounded like him. Too late, for your heart already started pounding loudly on its own accord. Your state frozen, seemingly lost in your thoughts to have your body move as you wish. It was not your nerves but your doubts that is stopping you from looking at him to rest your judgment. It took you a while. And you regret not taking the chance when you had it because before you could gather your pittance of a strength to gaze upon the man, he was already out of sight. In desperation, your eyes eagerly search through the sea of people, mentally sifting through the layers and layers of passers-by as if your eyes will magically blur everything else to locate his figure. He was already gone. This has happened before. For several instances. Your mind always creates an imagery of him whenever he crosses your mind, wherever you are— seeing someone bearing his familiarity. But every time you do, you’re always unable to see their actual face. It was not him. That’s what you’re sure of.

He couldn’t be omniscient in nature, he couldn’t be in the north while grazing your presence here every now and then. He just couldn’t be here.

This is just one of them. Would your heart not mind if you see his home, at least, for the last time? Would it matter more to you to see his lifeless household, or would it just a waste of time and a heartache?

With your lurking mind, you scurried the path where your heart is taking you.

You didn’t really noticed the long, arduous walk you had gone through. The sun is about to set when you arrived. Your feet like a mind of their own, stopping in front of the wooden barricade. His mother has lived with his relatives in a distant town somewhere after Jungkook left.

There’s nothing else to see other than the barnished wooden gate. You cannot even open it for your own perusal. But you kept on coming back here for it was the only thing in the present that connects you with that memory, reliving them in the present. He spent his last moments here with you. But however beautiful your memories here had been, the contrited pieces always linger elsewhere in your mind as you relinquish the past. Fate is a mere imaginary force, perhaps, created by entities living in this world, as fictitious as happiness, as treacherous as love. While hope brings you a strong faith of anticipation to the uncertain, the endless cycle of waiting only gives you the bittersweet acceptance in return. There was no regret behind the years of your wasted youth amidst the inescapable obligation of being an object of possession under a political truce— the truth that you have to live from the guise of a royal birth. You kept your promise, and until time and your royal duty comes in between, you will stay faithful to your words. Your fingers quickly shed the moisture threatening to spill from your eyes. And as you emotionally gather yourself up, you turn away in bereft. Not knowing that someone from behind is going towards the opposite direction. With your occupied mind and your sudden move, it was too late for the stranger to step sideways to avoid your approaching figure. The impact left you immobile for a second, losing your balance as your legs gave away. However, they caught you just in time.

Ambivalently speechless, you were unable to scramble off to your feet away from them and utter words of apologies to the stranger you have caused a burden of. When you have recovered, you softly gasp in embarrassment, mumbling series of apologies without prying your bashful eyes up towards them. Scared that they will lash out at your carelessness. Not until you hear the voice of the stranger. “_______?” Your rapid breaths stutter, you felt like everything else around you stops but the loud thumping of your heart. Was it your mind one again creating a hallucination of him? Slowly, you lift your head up. But you swallowed the urge to gasp as your eyes eagerly rake through the rugged looking man in front of you. It was your first time to see their face, to see him fully. The face your mind has created for years. Unfortunately, nothing resembles him of Jungkook but his eyes. And his voice. Stupid of you to think he’s real. You immediately turn away, gathering the strength to go as far away as you can. “______ wait!” You hear them call, your mind is pretty adamant, because the farther you walk, the louder his voice gets to you. It was not long when they had caught up with you as you felt the force in your arm, yanking you back around to face him. “What are you doing here?” He asks the same question he uttered to you years ago when he saw you in front of his house. You clenched your eyes shut, disturbed with your evil mind’s tricks to play with your heart dangerously. How could it possible for him to be here, coincidentally when you’re mourning, when you had just imagined him at the capital? As much as you‘re convinced he’s not real, the warmth from his hands seeping through the fabric covering your arms as they keep you locked on their hold tell you the person isn’t just a figment or your imagination. He’s real? “Jungkook?” It took him a second before he realizes the tone of your affirmation. “You didn’t recognize me, Jagi? It’s me.” Lips quivering, you clasp his face in between your palms with your collected strength, silently wishing none of this is a part of your imagination like it has been in the past years. “Is it really you? Am I not just dreaming?” You whisper in grief, as your sorrowful eyes pierces through his soul. Something twists in his gut, catching your efforts as you control the faint sobs threatening to break out from you throat.

It was too late for you to swallow them as tears pooled out of your eyes. The calloused pads of his thumbs feather lightly brush against your tear stained cheeks.your efforts to control the faint sobs.

“I’m here. I came back for you. Haven’t I promised you that?” He wants to prove it to you, just so you would believe it is real. That he’s here before your eyes. His face was mere inches to yours, but he stilled, almost losing his control if not reminded by the fact that the two of you are out for the world to see. You blinked, hiding the dejection when he steps back just as you were anticipating something else. With a heavy heart, you prodded. “When did you come back?” Jungkook deliberately didn’t answer. You have all the time to ask him later. Right now, he needs you. Swallowing a big lump in his throat, his fingers entwine tightly with yours, gently tugging you forward.

“Come with me.” He says. “Jungkook, what...“ Your voice faltered, panting from the distance you had walked through. Your curious eyes follow his free hand as it swiftly unlocked the hidden bar of the wicket.

Just as he has pulled you inside the vicinity of his household, he pushed the door shut along with your body, pressing you flat against the hard surface. Jungkook cages you in between with his hands glued on the sides of your head. He used to dream about this happening. With you, in an arm’s reach. He stays still for a while, savoring the moment. His leering eyes quietly memorizing every detail on your face. You have not aged a year older. Jungkook thinks he was looking at your younger self. Except for your hollowed cheeks, and dulled pair of orbs, you still look mesmerizingly breathtaking, beautiful, pure and only his. He inches closer, invading your mouth with much controlled passion. The faint sting of his stubble as it made contact against your skin creates another foreign sensation, sparking desire within you as tremors run down your spine.

“Gods, I miss you.” He groans against your mouth. For a moment, you were stiff, shocked by the boldness of his advances. Jungkook had kissed you before, you had felt the wetness of his lips pressing against yours before, as he expressed his affection for you.

But not like this, not with the way he was lewdly nipping your lips, not with the way his tongue is chasing your own. Not with the way his hands are exploring the untouched parts of your body.

Jungkook nudges his head south, on the crook of your neck. He moves closer, flushing his huge body against yours. Your eyes clenched shut at the feel of his need on his lower region pressing on your clothed stomach. A soft cry resonates through the quietness of the household at the feel of his teeth and stubble piercing simultaneously through your skin. Bound speechless under your clouded mind, unable to discern the right and wrong when Jungkook plotted the hole that you have willingly allowed yourself to be buried into its depths.

As he captures your lips once more, your fingers corded beneath his long knotted hair. There was no turning back now. He will have you one way or another.

a/n: what do you guys think? im curious to know what your thoughts are pls share them with me :(( it’s rushed i know and as expected this is unedited so forgive me for grammar issues and typos

mintseesaw ©️ 2020

credits to the rightful owner (Jeesung Kim) of the image edited as a banner

709 notes · View notes

swaps55 · 4 years

Text

Cafune

Shepard’s cabin is a hell of an upgrade over crew quarters. Considerably less foot traffic, for one, private bathroom for another. The dim lighting alone is heaven. It’s always too bright on the crew deck. Hell, Kaidan even kinda likes the fish.

But it’s the company he really enjoys.

He shifts in his spot on the couch, nestling a little deeper against Shepard, who tightens the arm looped around his waist in response. Kaidan is still at least attempting to read through the reports that have been piling up. But Shepard has spent the last several minutes ignoring his datapad in favor of gazing at Kaidan.

It’s…nice. Really nice. Especially when the datapad gets tossed aside entirely and Shepard’s fingers start carding through his hair.

A smile curves Kaidan’s lips. “Hey, you.”

“Hey,” Shepard says softly. “I missed this, you know.”

“Touching my hair?”

“Mmm. Also the rest of you.” He presses a kiss to Kaidan’s temple.

A contented sigh slips out of Kaidan’s throat. “Believe me, I missed it, too.”

Shepard’s fingers continue working, making the datapad in Kaidan’s hand less and less interesting. But then they still, followed by a deliberate intake of breath. After a few seconds, Shepard exhales and starts moving his fingers again.

“What is it?” Kaidan asks.

Another pause. “Nothing.”

Kaidan hides a smile and keeps skimming his datapad, even though at this point he isn’t reading a word. Shepard doesn’t hesitate to say what’s on his mind. Only Sam does. “Uh huh. Well, whenever you change your mind, let me know.”

Shepard grunts. But a minute later he drops his hand and shifts his position a little. “Can I ask you something?”

There it is.

“Of course.”

More shifting. “While, uh, while I was dead, did you…?”

Kaidan tightens up without meaning to. Those two years are never going to be an easy subject, especially when Shepard throws the word dead around so easily.

As if sensing his discomfort, Shepard draws Kaidan a little closer to him. “Never mind.”

Kaidan sets the datapad down and settles against him. Shepard’s death certainly isn’t a pleasant topic, but bridging it while tucked in his arms…helps. “No, go on. Did I what?”

“It’s nothing. Forget I said anything.”

“Sam. There are things about…that I’d rather not talk about. But doesn’t mean we can’t talk about it at all. What do you want to know?”

He clears his throat, expression a little sheepish. “Just…wondering if you, ah…met anyone.”

Kaidan blinks. Well. That’s…not what he expected. “Are you…asking if I dated anyone after Alchera?”

“I mean, it’s fine if you did,” he says quickly. “Two years is a long time. People move on.”

A hoarse laugh escapes Kaidan’s throat. Move on. He’d spent the first year in a fugue, and the second convincing himself that functioning wasn’t enough; he had to live, too. He hadn’t quite mastered it by the time Hackett dropped the Freedom’s Progress file in his lap.

Move on. Everyone told him he would, eventually. Some days he’d even believed them.

“Sam…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Shepard says, voice gentle. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Why do you ask?” Kaidan asks, curious. If there’s one thing they’ve generally done right, it’s believe in the way they feel about each other. Well. Once they’d mustered the courage to say how they felt about each other, anyway.

Besides, dating is all but a foreign language to Sam. Not that Kaidan has a much better track record of it.

Shepard’s fingers return to Kaidan’s scalp. Kaidan’s not sure if it’s meant to reassure him, or reassure Sam. “I guess…your thing with Joker reminded me…I’ll never know what kind of hell you really went through.”

Ah, right. The thing. While Shepard was with Cerberus, Joker apparently hadn’t mentioned just how contentious things had gotten after Alchera.

“If you found something, er, someone, who made it a little less hellish,” he continues, “Well.”

Kaidan closes his eyes and revels in the gentle churn of Shepard’s fingers. “I don’t really…date, Sam.”

Shepard makes a noncommittal sound.

Kaidan opens his eyes, sensing a challenge. “Come on. In the five years we served together, did I ever date anyone?”

A hesitant look crosses Shepard’s face. It takes Kaidan a moment to understand it, but when he gets there he chuckles in disbelief.

“You’re actually going to say the researcher we ran into on Arcturus, aren’t you.”

Shepard withdraws his fingers from Kaidan’s hair and gestures. “Come on, you can’t argue that wasn’t a date.”

“We had drinks,” Kaidan reminds him. “Once. At your insistence. You literally wingmaned me.”

“Yeah, well, I thought I was doing you a favor,” Shepard grumbles. “The one that got away, and all that.”

“She was not the one that got away,” he says with amusement.

Shepard sniffs. “That’s good, because she was not right for you.”

“Then why…” Kaidan’s eyes widen as realization dawns. “You were jealous.”

“What, of her?”

“Yes. You were jealous.” He chuckles again as the pieces fall into place. “You were in a horrible mood when I came to find you after. Since you wingmaned me I thought you’d want to hear how it went, but you nearly took my head off. I thought you were pissed at Pendergrass for being impossible to take out in public. But you were pissed at me, weren’t you?”

Guilt flashes across his eyes. “No.”

“Sam.”

His brow furrows. “Ok…in retrospect…I was probably jealous.”

“You insisted I buy her a drink!”

“Yeah, because you kept talking about how much you enjoyed her company when she was…researching you.”

Kaidan sighs in exasperation. “She was researching my implant. We were friends. Saw each other a few times and went our separate ways. Well before you and I met, I might add.”

“You were still into her,” Shepard insists. “Come on, I know you.”

“You ass, I was into you,” Kaidan says with a laugh. “I didn’t want to have drinks with her. You’re the one I wanted to spend that evening with.”

A smirk curves his lips. “Yeah, well, I know that now.”

Kaidan shakes his head. “So if I’d come into your quarters that night and kissed you instead of telling you about my so-called date, would that have put you in a better mood?”

Shepard grins. “Why? Did you think about kissing me?”

“When didn’t I,” Kaidan mutters.

“Boy you had it bad for me, didn’t you?” Shepard says, tracing Kaidan’s jaw with a finger.

Kaidan raises an eyebrow, not about to give in to the gesture of affection. “I’m sorry, who shot out the window of a quarantine lab and exposed themselves to a bio engineered virus for no reason?”

Shepard squawks in protest. “What do you mean no reason? You were in that room!”

“And I’d already been exposed,” Kaidan points out.

“So I was just supposed to leave you in there was some deadly virus? I kinda like to think I’d have done that you whether I loved you or not. You think I would have left Garrus in there?”

Kaidan holds up a finger. “No. No, no. If it had been Garrus you would have used that tactical head of yours for at least a nanosecond, realized the damage was already done and taken the extra five minutes to go through the decontamination process. Or at the very least, put your helmet on to avoid exposure. But no, you shot out the glass and came after me because you were in love with me and didn’t stop to think. Or grab a helmet.”

Shepard sputters, then glares. “Ok. You might, might, have a point.”

A slow grin spreads over Kaidan’s face. “And because of it you had to spend all that time with me in quarantine. You literally took care of me when I felt like I was going to die.”

Shepard draws Kaidan back to his chest. “Kinda thought you were going to die. Scared me to death.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan says. “I won’t lie…I was glad you were there. Even if it was a little humiliating to be that incapacitated around my commanding officer.”

“I’ll take you at your worst over most people at their best,” Shepard says. His fingers return to Kaidan’s hair, and Kaidan leans into the touch with a hum. “Like hell I was going to let anything happen to you.”

“I know,” Kaidan says, and it’s true. As reckless and unnecessary as that stunt had been, the sound of that glass shattering followed by Shepard’s voice in his ear had made him feel…safe.

Shepard clears his throat again, shifting uncomfortably. “Is it, uh, is it weird if I admit that I might have…done this a little, when your fever spiked?”

“Touched my hair?”

“Yeah.”

Kaidan chuckles softly. “Thought I dreamed that.”

“No,” he says after a pause. “I just…I don’t know. This is probably really incriminating, but I always had this urge to run my fingers through your hair.”

Kaidan smirks. “You can admit you just wanted to mess it up.”

Shepard huffs.

“You loved me,” Kaidan says with a shrug. “You may not have known it, but you did.”

Shepard nods. “In retrospect, it was really fucking obvious, wasn’t it?”

“Little bit, yeah.”

“In my defense, I have literally never been attracted to anyone before. How was I supposed to know that’s what it felt like?”

Kaidan snorts. “So it never occurred to you that being jealous when I went on a date, or unnecessarily exposing yourself to a deadly virus because I was in trouble, and wanting to touch my hair all the time, might mean you were in love with me.”

“Yeah, the porch swing also should have been a clue,” he muses.

Kaidan rearranges himself to meet Shepard’s gaze head on. “You mean back at the orchard? When I feel asleep and drooled on your shoulder?”

Shepard nearly shoves him off the couch. “So you admit it. You’ve been denying that happened for years.”

Kaidan narrows his eyes as something else clicks into place. “Did you touch my hair then, too?”

Shepard blinks. “This is about you, not me.”

“You did.”

He rolls his eyes. “Ok, maybe…very briefly…I might have.”

Kaidan laughs and settles back against him. “I knew it.”

Shepard grumbles, but snakes an arm around him once more. “Well if it was so goddamn obvious why didn’t you just kiss me and get on with it?”

“Because how could I be sure?”

Shepard stares at him. “Boy, kinda hard to believe we saved the galaxy, isn’t it?”

Kaidan grins. “You said it yourself. How good can first timers really be?”

“Not first timers anymore, are we?” Shepard asks, in a soft voice that puts a flutter in Kaidan’s chest.

Kaidan shakes his head.

Shepard’s fingers flirt with his hair once more. “So…you didn’t actually answer my question.”

The flutter dissipates. “I didn’t date anyone, Sam.”

He runs a thumb along Kaidan’s hairline, expression growing solemn. “You know that would have been okay, right? You know…I’d want you to be happy.”

Kaidan catches his hand, heart jumping into his throat and I’ll be fine echoing in his ears. “Sam.”

So that’s what this whole thing’s about. The next Alchera. The next Mars. The next time they inevitably gamble their lives and lose. Kaidan swallows and tries to pull away from him. “This…this is one of the things I don’t want to talk about.”

“Yeah,” Shepard says, keeping him close and cupping his cheek. “But you need to hear it. I want you to be happy. Always. Whatever that means.”

“I am happy,” Kaidan argues. “With you.”

“And believe me,” Shepard assures him, “I hope that never changes. But I just…need you to know.”

Kaidan’s hands shake as he slides back into his waiting arms. “Please don’t talk about this.”

“Ok,” Shepard murmurs, wrapping him up tight. Kaidan closes his eyes and breathes him in. Solid. Real. Alive. And his. “How about, instead, we talk about all those midnight meals you fixed over the years?”

“What about them?” Kaidan asks, palm slipping under his shirt in search of a heartbeat.

Shepard’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “Started as just ‘hey, there’s a stash of peanut butter and crackers in a drawer if you need a pick me up.’ Next thing you were fixing full entrees in the middle of the night.”

“I was hungry,” Kaidan replies, hiding a small smile.

“Uh huh. You’re telling me the extra plate and fork you always had waiting had nothing to do with hoping I’d show up.”

“Mom always said that if I wanted to impress someone I should learn how to cook.”

Shepard nuzzles his neck before burying his fingers back in Kaidan’s hair. “Mmhmm. So you wanted to impress me, huh? Keep talking.”

Kaidan scoffs. “What, you want to try and tell me that you appearing like clockwork was pure coincidence?”

“You caught me,” Shepard concedes. “I fell in love with the Alenko family risotto recipe.”

Kaidan huffs. Shepard plants kisses up and down his throat, letting his corona flare just long enough to send a current through Kaidan’s nerves.

“Mmmm,” Kaidan murmurs, tilting his head back to give Shepard better access. “Must have been some risotto.”

“Yeah,” Shepard mumbles between kisses. “Except it turns out it definitely wasn’t the risotto I looked forward to all those nights.”

No. It wasn’t. For either of them. Eight years ago when Kaidan had walked into a bar on Arcturus and found Shepard sitting there, it was like something had just snapped into place. For both of them.

“Quarks,” Kaidan says softly.

Shepard pauses. “What?”

“Something Tali told me a long time ago,” Kaidan explains. “That certain types of quarks are tuned to one another on a quantum level, bonded across space and time. The more you pull them apart, the harder they try to snap back together.”

Shepard lifts his head and searches Kaidan’s face. Under Kaidan’s palm, Shepard heart beats strong and steady.

“I didn’t see anyone after Alchera,” Kaidan says. “It never occurred to me. Maybe…deep down I still felt that pull.” He runs a finger along Shepard’s cheek. “Because it turns out you were still out there.”

Shepard swallows, voice catching. “You are such a romantic. You know that?”

Kaidan’s gaze drifts to Shepard’s mouth. “Say it. Please?”

“I love you,” Shepard whispers.

Kaidan brushes a finger across Shepard’s lips. So many times he’d wanted to kiss them and hadn’t. So many times he’d wondered what it would be like and never had the courage to find out. So many chances they’d lost in the debris now buried under the snow on Alchera.

Not tonight. Tonight Kaidan kisses him slow and deep, drinking in every sigh, every soft sound that slips from his throat, reveling in the feel of Shepard’s fingers tangled in his hair. It won’t make up for all the times they’ve missed.

But it’s a start.

#mshenko #kaidan alenko #mass effect #my fic #i swear it's fluffy #and basically an apology for fugue #see?!?! everything's fine they're all fine #ok #they're MOSTLY fine

88 notes · View notes

silenthillmutual · 4 years

Note

ooohhh 41?

Overhearing they have feelings for you

i hope it’s okay i went w burakovsky? (prompts list from here!) ----

It should be a point of some contentious embarrassment that Daniil Dankovsky passes out in the hospital. He’s not particularly squeamish, but it probably doesn’t look good for him to simply give in to exhaustion like that. Usually he’s at his desk when sleep overcomes him, but the nearest he can guess is that he must have been trying to work out a way for the large but ultimately useless space to be a little more accommodating of their current needs, and that it’s a good thing he wasn’t too close to the railing when he slumped over. That would have been nasty.

What wakes him up isn’t the crick in his neck from how he slept or the lack of circulation in his hands the fact that he fell asleep still fully clothed or even the migraine making his head throb. No; he’s startled to wakefulness by the door swinging open and the sound of Rubin, louder than he’s heard him all weak, practically shouting, “You must be joking.”

“You know, you really don’t have to shout,” Burakh grumbles. Daniil groans to himself as he tries to flex and curl his fingers. It only dawns on him slowly where he is and what must have happened, and he’s happy to be up on the second floor where he can’t be stumbled upon or over by his company. “The whole neighborhood doesn’t need to hear you.”

“Oh, no, everyone is going to hear about it, sooner or later,” Rubin replies. There’s a horrible scraping as one of the two of them pulls out the old chair by the desk, and Daniil takes the moment of too-loud sound to cover the wince as he tries to push himself upright using limbs he can’t feel. Hell, even back in university, this was a bad idea - “You know how people around here gossip,” he continues. “And you’ve never been one to lie, you’re far too...oppositional.”

“Look who’s talking.” His fingers are slowly gaining feeling, now only if he can work that feeling down into his boots... “Want to accuse me again of patricide? You’re the only one who believes it.” Rubin snorts, but if he’s about to say something, Burakh cuts him off. “And don’t say Saburov backed you up on this. We all know his reasons why, and it’s not because it’s the truth. Even the outsiders -”

“Forgive me if I don’t take that fop’s beliefs too seriously, or the girl’s. Even I have my limits.” Daniil frowns at his feet as he wiggles them back and forth, trying to work feeling back into them. He’d thought he and Rubin had been getting along. He guesses he can confront him about it, whenever he manages to work his way downstairs. And he hopes it won’t take him too long, he does love to see the looks on peoples’ faces when they get caught like this. “I’m not one of your lot -”

“There you go again with that, the ‘us’ versus ‘them’. You really don’t see us as human, do you?” There’s another thing he could have a chat with Rubin about, maybe even a bit of guilt-tripping. Perhaps it would work better on him than it had on Burakh, and for much better reasons. “You and Gravel, even Grief. The Bachelor I could understand -”

“Yeah, only because you’re in love with him!”

Daniil does a quick intake of breath. Not quite a gasp, not noisy enough - and good thing, too, though it would have been covered by the sound of a smack, a hand on leather, he thinks. “Shut up. Shut up!” he hears Burakh hiss, and a sound that he thinks is poorly-suppressed laughter follows. “Knock it off!”

He’d been about ready to stand up and head downstairs, but now he doesn’t think he can. Whatever he’s just walked into is a hell of a lot more than he came in prepared to handle. “Tough luck, Cub,” Rubin says. “This is what you sign up for with him. Seriously, you have the strangest taste in romantic partners. I almost feel sorry for you.”

“Why did I even tell you?” This is the closest he’s ever heard Burakh’s voice to a whine, so he guesses this conversation isn’t meant entirely sarcastically.

“I don’t know, Cub, why did you tell me?”

“I guess I missed being able to confide in my friends,” he says dryly. “I missed having people I can count on, but now I see that was a mistake. I should have just told somebody trustworthy, like Sticky.”

“Where is your husband, anyway?” Rubin just goes on as if he hasn’t heard. “Shouldn’t he be here by now, telling us what to do and quoting some proverb in Latin?” He does something silly with his voice when he adds, “Making you swoon?”

“I am going to kill you,” Burakh says. There’s a pause before he says, “You’re right, he should be here by now. I’m going to look for him - but tonight, when all our daily tasks are over -” Daniil can hear his footsteps getting closer to the door, Burakh finishing with, “You’re dead” before they open and close again as he goes out to look for Daniil.

Upstairs in the theatre, Daniil exhales, finally pushing himself up. “Right,” he mumbles to himself, leaning against the wall. His neck still aches, rolling his head to try and work out the pain. It helps that he’s got something to keep him going today, even when the new aches and disappointments start to set in. He turns and heads back to the staircase. As he’s going down it, Rubin’s coming up, forcing them both to stop and look at each other for a moment.

Daniil smirks as Rubin’s mind catches up. “Shit,” he says. So he does care about Artemy after all, Daniil thinks.

But what he says is, “Rubin. I think you remember our arrangement on the first day?”

#i've never written rbn before and i tprobably shows (pensive emoji)#i'll get better at him one day...#nori writes #dnl is a bit of a jerk ig? but like a smug cat #khachirkhel #icarus.docx #mine

8 notes · View notes

srprincess · 4 years

Text

Spookydoo AU update time!

Chapter 16 now

fictober prompt 6. “Yes, I’m aware. Your point?”

(because why quit a good thing? what even is time anyway?)

“So. You’re Lou,” Nursey said after he was, mostly, calmed down.

“I am,” Lou replied. With what might have been a smile, or maybe a smirk, she told him, “Don’t worry. I know who you are.”

Will couldn't decide if it was antagonistic or teasing. In his experience, it was a fine line sometimes.

“Hm. Well. You don't look like a hundred year old ghost,” Nursey said, taking in her appearance with narrowed eyes.

He had apparently decided to steer toward contentious, Will thought.

“Excuse you! What's wrong with how I look?”

And there was a defensive reply from Lou. He was going to have to step in before this got out of hand. Him. The reasonable one. Will shook his head at what an unexpected turn of events that was.

“Nothing’s wrong with how you look, you look very nice,” Will told her in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. To Nursey he said, “You could try acting nice.”

“That’s it, exactly!” Nursey pointed at him before spinning back towards Lou. “She looks nice. Too nice.”

“What is that even supposed to mean?!” Will asked him. “I have no idea where you're going with this.” He looked at Lou hoping for some sort of clarification, but she just shrugged.

As far as Will could tell, Lou fit right in. Open cardigan over a sundress. Strappy sandals. Not quite dressed for the weather, but she wouldn't be the first to put style over function. Her hair was slightly fancy and too perfectly styled for the beach. He didn't know a lot about these sorts of things, but even Will could tell not a hair looked out of place. But overall? She could have passed as any of the tourists wandering around town in season.

Any modern tourist. Which- okay, maybe that was a little strange.

Nursey seemed to notice the exact second the problem clicked in Will’s head and told him, “You get it, I know you do. She looks too normal.”

“Not to belabor the point, but - again - ’she’ is right here and can hear you. And I had no idea I was dealing with such a fashion expert,” she added with an eye roll that put Will’s to shame. She huffed before adding, “Imagine picking apart my fashion sense, dressed like that?”

“Hey! He borrowed that from me!” Will protested. Who in Maine didn't have a closet full of flannel? He'd passed up wearing his favorite to let Nursey borrow it. It wasn't even rumpled. Much.

“Yes, I’m aware. Your point? Mine is this - two people who look like they just rolled out of bed should not be lecturing anyone on what they choose to wear.” With a huff, Lou added, “I’m starting to second guess if I should be helping you.”

“How is this helping?” Will asked, confused. “Helping who with what?”

Ignoring him, Nursey backpedaled, “I’m not saying it looks bad. It's just - your look - it’s barely out of date. And with a white sundress? What happened to ’lady in black’? That’s what all the books and shit said.”

“For your information, not that it's any of your business, but you'll do a lot to get rid of the ’lady in black’ stories following you every time you want to take a walk after dark. It took a few decades to figure out how to focus enough to change things, but it was worth it.”

“Hold up,” Nursey said, suddenly fascinated. “Are you saying you can just change what you look like?”

In a blink, she changed from the sundress into a black wool coat covering a long dark dress. With a look of concentration, she cycled through a few other outfits. A flowy one-piece pants outfit, a modest swimsuit, a dress with brightly colored swirls, shorts and a sleeveless top, and then back to what she had been wearing minutes before.

”Whoa- so you- wow, ” was Nursey’s shocked reply. Will couldn't fault his lack of coherency as he was speechless himself. Knowing a person could do something and then actually witnessing it firsthand were very different.

Appeased by his impressed tone, Lou told Nursey, “You'd be surprised what a person can do given the motivation.”

”And it’s that easy?”

“Well, if it’s something I've already ’worn’ it generally is. New things require more energy and rest after.”

”Is it only clothes, or can you change everything about your appearance?”

”I think so, but everything has a cost and so I've only tweaked a little here and there since that first. Hair, makeup, superficial things.”

“Sorry if I came off a little-” Nursey waved his arms around, “This is all so - wow. I don't even know.”

“If that was supposed to be an apology,” She raised an eyebrow in question and he nodded before she continued, “I accept. Now about freckles. What do you think?”

Nursey searched her face, ”You don't have any? Not that I can see anyway.”

“Not yet,” she confirmed. ” But I've been thinking of giving myself some. What do you think? I always see how many more Will has at the end of the summer, and it makes me wonder. Doesn't he have such nice freckles?”

Will, who had been very happy to fade into the background and listen to the conversation up until this point, suddenly found himself the sole focus of the other two people. Two people staring at his face full of freckles. Because Lou was right about the quantity of them. By the time fall hit every year he was almost more freckle than not. But to call them nice? He was fair certain his mother was the only one who had ever said such a thing, and she had had fair skin herself and was likely biased. God knew, in school all it earned him was teasing.

In any case, that much attention on him had his face heating in embarrassment. If he could have conjured a pit of quicksand on the beach to swallow him whole he would have. Failing at that, and not even having a hat to pull down, he settled for hiding his face behind his hands. How much could a person be expected to endure in a single-

The train of thought was abruptly cut off when Nursey answered, “Yeah, he does. Very nice.”

That wasn't going to help the blushing situation, Will thought, but still he peeked out through his fingers just enough to see the other man smiling. Seemingly sincere, and not teasing.

Nursey pulled Will’s hands the rest of the way down. “The freckles are a good look,” he said before turning back to Lou. “But for him, maybe not for you. Maybe something less - beauty mark maybe?”

“Hmmm,” Lou said, considering it. “I’ll take it under advisement.”

Lou and Nursey might have continued talking after that, but Will couldn't say for sure. There was this buzz in his head drowning out everything else.

He stared down at the sand, his brain stalled on the fact that Nursey said he liked his freckles. Not just freckles in general, but his. He dared a peek back up at him and noticed Nursey looking back before quickly darting his eyes away. And - was Nursey blushing too? It wasn't quite the neon sign alert that his own blush was, but in this light? Well, there definitely seemed to be a flush to his cheeks that hadn’t been there before.

He knew he should make an attempt to follow the conversation, and he tried. But - this was Nursey’s fault. With his compliments and smiles and looks. And the hand holding that he was still doing from when he pulled Will’s down away from his face. He could have let go, but he hadn’t. Okay, maybe he wasn’t quite holding them. Just. Resting his hands under them. And tracing his fingers back and forth along the lines of his wrists and sides of his hands. So no, not holding, but somehow more.

With all this running through his head, Will had to be excused for not exactly paying attention.

Then, unfortunately, Lou’s voice became a little more clipped in her answers, and it pulled him back.

“Why were you here then?” Nursey asked her.

“As I said, I don't want to talk about that,” Lou told him, clearly not for the first time.

Oh, Will thought, they must have moved away from fashion and back to the business of ghosting.

“What about how, ummm, I don't know how to ask this in a sensitive way-“

“Maybe because there isn't a sensitive way to ask and you shouldn’t?”

“Shouldn’t try to be sensitive? But-”

“Oh god. No. That you shouldn't be asking.”

“Don't you want people to know what happened?”

“It won’t change things.”

“I just think-”

“Listen. How I died is the least interesting part of my life, and I don't want to talk about it. That is final.”

Generally stomping a foot in the sand like she did wouldn't have done much, but the wind had started to come in harder off the water too as Lou raised her voice. Will was afraid this was going to lead to another storm like the night before, in which case it needed to stop before it started. Not to mention, the beach might have been practically empty but raised voices carried and tended to draw attention. Even if he wasn't sure whether or not just anyone could hear hers. It didn't seem like a good time for more questions. He decided to try and keep the peace between them again.

“Maybe you guys need a little break? How about we head back to the house where it's more comfortable and, you know, private.”

“I still don’t want-” Lou started.

“We won’t ask any more about that,” Will turned at hearing Nursey’s intake of breath, “We will not.”

“Fine,” Nursey muttered.

“See?” Will told Lou, “We can talk about whatever. Or nothing. Your call.”

He thought maybe she was weakening. The wind was at least. A good sign.

”Maybe you could meet everyone else?” Nursey asked hopefully.

”Nope.” Lou said wide eyed right before she popped out of sight.

”Did she- she just- she noped out! Literally!”

”Yep. She sure did.” Will agreed.

”Huh. What now?”

”I think we've learned all we can here. She isn't going to show back up until she wants to.”

“She’ll be back though, right?”

“I think so. Eventually. Maybe don't push her so much next time. A person’s death is about as personal as it gets,” Will pointed out.

“Yeah, suppose so,” Nursey reluctantly agreed. “Might as well head back?”

”That was my thought. You owe me some good coffee first though. I'll show you where to find it.”

#omgcp #spookydoo au #nurseydex #fictober19 #because i can't let go #why update when people are actually awake when you can do it when no one is around to see?

15 notes · View notes

beyond-media · 5 years

Link

Marijuana, a drug also known as Cannabis, weed, pot, and dope, is recognized as the most abused drug in the world. Marijuana is a green, brown, or gray mixture of dried, shredded leaves, stems, seeds, and flowers of the hemp plant Cannabis sativa.

There are over more than 500 chemicals in marijuana and tetrahydrocannabinol, known as THC, is responsible for many of the drug’s psychotropic effects and the amount of THC in marijuana has increased over the past few decades. It is the main active chemical in marijuana and is the psychoactive ingredient. The highest concentrations of THC are found in the dried flowers, or buds. When marijuana smoke is inhaled, THC rapidly passes from the lungs into the bloodstream and is carried to the brain and other organs throughout the body. THC from the marijuana acts on specific receptors in the brain, called cannabinoid receptors, starting off a chain of cellular reactions that finally lead to the euphoria, or “high” that users experience.

Smoking extracts and resins from the marijuana plant with high levels of THC is on the rise. There are several forms of these extracts, such as hash oil, budder, wax, and shatter. These resins have 3 to 5 times more THC than the plant itself. People intake marijuana in various of ways. People use joints, bongs, blunts, vaporizers, and even edibles. They’d brew marijuana with tea and go as far as putting marijuana in food that we normally eat in our day to day lives like brownies and rice.

The often misconception about Marijuana is that it only brings bad use and that it only has bad effects but in reality, marijuana can be used for many purposes and can also be helpful to individuals. Marijuana is used for recreational, medical, and religious practices.

in terms of medical use, marijuana can be helpful in many ways. Smoking marijuana seems to reduce the pressure inside the eye of people with glaucoma. It also seems to stimulate the appetite of people with AIDS which helps with the weight loos of HIV or AIDS diagnosed patients. When marijuana is smoked or used as a mouth spray, it also seems to be an effective treatment of muscle tightness and shakiness in people with multiple sclerosis (MS). Marijuana can also serve as a pain reliever because research shows that smoking marijuana by mouth can decrease pain in people experiencing long-term pain.

However, marijuana also has its own set of short-term and long-term effects just like any drug. Some of the short-term effects of marijuana are the following: short-term memory problems,

severe anxiety, paranoia, psychosis, panic. hallucinations, and loss of sense of personal identity and some of the long-term effects of marijuana are the following: decline in IQ (up to 8 points if prolonged use started in adolescent age), poor school performance and having higher chance of dropping out, impaired thinking and ability to learn, having lower life satisfaction, and addiction.

These short-term and long-term effects happen because the chemicals in marijuana affects the brain development of an individual thus making that person suffer through mental problems and memory loss. It can even go as far as their brain decaying because remember the brain remains in a state of active, experience-guided development from the prenatal period through childhood and adolescence until the age of approximately 21 years. During these developmental periods, it is intrinsically more vulnerable than a mature brain to the adverse long-term effects of environmental insults, such as exposure to tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC, the primary active ingredient in marijuana. This view has received considerable support from studies in animals, which have shown, for example, that prenatal or adolescent exposure to THC can recalibrate the sensitivity of the reward system to other drugs and that prenatal exposure interferes with cytoskeletal dynamics, which are critical for the establishment of axonal connections between neurons.

Even though marijuana has a lot of side effects, people still use it because of its relation to mental illness. Regular marijuana use is associated with an increased risk of anxiety and depression, but causality has not been established. Marijuana is also linked with psychoses (including those associated with schizophrenia), especially among people with a preexisting genetic vulnerability, and exacerbates the course of illness in patients with schizophrenia. Heavier marijuana use, greater drug potency, and exposure at a younger age can all negatively affect the disease trajectory.

Despite some contentious discussions regarding the addictiveness of marijuana, the evidence clearly indicates that long-term marijuana use can lead to addiction. Indeed, approximately 9% of those who experiment with marijuana will become. The number goes up to about 1 in 6 among those who start using marijuana as teenagers and to 25 to 50% among those who smoke marijuana daily. According to the 2012 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, an estimated 2.7 million people from 12 years of age and older met the DSM-IV criteria for dependence on marijuana, and 5.1 million people met the criteria for dependence on any illicit drug.

There is nothing really wrong with marijuana. It is a drug that can actually be beneficial for mankind. We just need to make sure that its use is not abused because that is the time that marijuana becomes harmful. Marijuana is good as long as it is not abused.

Here is the link to my second video: https://vimeo.com/310145990

—————

Evaluation:

I was able to observe a lot of changes that happened when I used a different kind of medium to present my research in terms of the amount of audience that I was able to reach, how I was able to maintain the attention of my audience and the approach that I made during the process of making the two presentations.

When I was using Microsoft Powerpoint as my medium of presentation, the audience that my research was able to reach was just limited because my presence was needed in order for me to explain and make my audience fully understand the main key points of my research. Not like when I used videos as my medium for the presentation of my research, my presence wasn’t needed at all so I was able to reach greater and bigger audiences by disseminating the video through social media. I didn’t have to use my voice anymore because the explanation of my research and everything that the audience needs to know is already in the video.

My presentation became more interactive and more engaging when I changed my medium of presentation to videos. I was able to gain the attention of my audience more because people usually find powerpoint presentations boring compared to video presentations. My presentation also became more creative and unique because using powerpoints to present research is very common nowadays unlike videos wherein you can make a lot of animations and visual effects to make your presentation eye-catching, special, and extraordinary. Through video presentations, my research had a greater impact because it catered to both the my audience’s brains’ visual and auditory systems. Overall, the change of format made my presentation better.

7 notes · View notes

imaginedsoldier · 6 years

Note

I’m going for the more bulkier, ”square” body. I want to get rid of my curves ! Thank you xx

Now, an hourglass figure is typically a result of fat accumulation along the hips combined with a lack of muscular development in the abdominals and waist. So The “easy” thing would be to work on those! But, like most things in exercise, the route to it is a little circuitous.

I would begin with a starting strength program. I don’t know what kind of equipment you have access to, so I will make a version for weights, and one for bodyweight exercises. The weighted version is more effective as that is how the program was designed. The reason being that this program aims to increase muscular strength by utilizing simple linear progression to increase how much you can lift, so weights are implied.

Day A

Squat: 3x5Bench: 3x5Deadlift: 1x5

Day B

Squat: 3×5Overhead Press: 3×5Power Clean: 5×3

In addition, a lot of people warm up for this with sets of pullups, pushups, standing squats, and back hyperextensions, but this is not a requirement. When starting out, you want to preserve glycogen in your muscles, so warm up with a light jog, some jumping jacks, and some back and leg stretches so you can get ready and avoid injury.

You work out in alternating sets, Set A, then rest day, then Set B, then rest day, then Set A again, in alternating sets. Every time you re-encounter a Day, add 5 pounds to the exercise you’re doing. Its a very good way to consistently and predictably make gains in your strength and overall fitness.

If you don’t have access to a set of weights, don’t despair! I have a set of bodyweight exercises that you can do to mimic this regimen!

Day A

Squat: 3x12Pushups: 3x15Bench Dips: 3x12Lunges: 3x12 (6 each side)Single-Leg Bodyweight Deadlift: 3x8~3x10 (each side)Hollow Hold: 3 sets @ 20 seconds

Day B

Squat: 3x12Pushups: 3x15Handstand: 3 sets @ 20 second hold against wall (this may seem scary, but just take a few runs at it before you do it in the work out and you’ll be surprised at how quickly you can pick this up)Jump Squat: 3x10Burpees: 3x10Hollow Hold: 3 sets @ 20 seconds

Same logic applies here. Set A, then rest day, then Set B, then rest day. Warm up with a jog and some stretches. When you re-encounter a day, add 2 reps or 3 seconds to your exercise. You want to see simple, predictable gains in your ability to perform these exercises, and the way is consistency!

This program works best when you first start and should be done for a month. 4 weeks, hitting each day twice a week with 3 days rest (which sorts itself out if you follow the program.

Once you’ve done that, you can focus on building muscle more aggressively. For this I will be more general, since this would be more about an overall philosophy than a plan, although i’ll be more than happy to present you one once you feel satisfied with your strength gains! (This is just to make sure you can do the exercises in the ratios necessary to see effective gains.)

To build the midsection, you would want to hit weighted inverse crunches, oblique crunches, planks, hollow holds, deadlifts, and weighted twists. If you can build muscular hypertrophy in the abdominal region, you can puff the muscles out and really thicken your waist. That eliminates the waspish midsection we associate with the hourglass.Building the back, shoulders, chest, and especially the lats can produce the broad upper body of a barrel-chested man. Think Bruce Lee’s famous back spread in Way of the Dragon. Squats can be contentious because of their association with big butts, but they make your thighs big and tighten the core and generally don’t increase the width of your hips- they don’t target that region or hit it enough to make a difference.

So in general, to get that “masculine figure,” you want to build muscle and strength, rather than cut down on fat. With that said, I should cover dietary concerns in some amount. I don’t know your current height and body composition, so I won’t give you very specific numbers, just guidelines. Since this deals with some regimented eating advice, I’m going to put a readmore here because I know regimented eating and dietary advice can be triggering to some people.

Once you have a routine you feel like you can do comfortably and consistently, experiment with dietary changes in small amounts. See what makes you feel better, what makes you perform better. Be safe, take care of yourself, let me know if you have questions!

Targeted fat loss is largely a myth, and losing weight is the opposite of what we want in early exercise, especially if you’re aiming for a box shape- you want to be strong, and you need to be fueled if you’re going to power through workouts! So eat! Your body is a chemical furnace, and while dietary functions are complex, we can focus on a couple of things for performance- carbohydrates and protein. Carbs are important when you’re performing repetitive movements because they’re what give you long-term, consistent energy. Protein reabsorption helps muscle growth. That’s why so many bodybuilders eat so much brown rice and chicken breast- they’re very simple ways to deliver carbs and protein to your body in predictable amounts.

https://www.iifym.com/iifym-calculator/

This is a macronutritional calculator- if you need help using it, send me an anon message with what your question is. It asks if you’re a man or woman, which is nonsense, just answer whatever. What you want to get from this is how many calories you need to intake to maintain your weight at your current level of physical activity and at an increased level of physical activity. The reason we need that is because the calculator will also determine how much to eat to *gain weight* by upticking the amount by 5, 10, or 15 percent.

This is at your discretion but believe me when I say that eating more can be hard to start. I don’t know your history of dietary habits or restrictions, so I would suggest a 5% uptick in diet. While this may *sound* counter-intuitive, the idea is to pack on muscle, *not* eliminate fat. As you build muscle, especially in the core, it will push fat stores out and fill in that hourglass, and in combination with gains in the back, arms, shoulders, and chest will help the development of the more “masculine” figure you’re aiming for.

In the early stages, don’t worry about your diet too much.

Exercise is hard, new routines are hard, and a lot of factors determine our daily energy, willingness, and ability to perform. We want to be happy and hale first. Train hard and take care of yourself!

15 notes · View notes

archergabriella · 4 years

Text

Can Lower Back Pain Cause Premature Ejaculation Startling Tips

Medical community hasn't yet established the importance it deserves because your desire is not one that works best in your research before trying to get rid of premature ejaculation help of poor or easy stimulants then you do not know how to solve the problem then it will give them pleasure in sex, especially when masturbation is not even a healthy and exciting sex life forever?Hasty ejaculation has the power to control or delay ejaculation.Before anything else, you need to control premature ejaculation.You would find its benefits during love making.

Try not to ejaculate and know the right place to start off sex by thrusting too deeply.It is early climaxes, and there's nothing worse for a treatment that'll work wonders and improve sexual performance and difficulties between you and your partner.Medical treatments do not have a great height and due to the penis in different positions all have an erection for very long time?Kegel exercise which is medically defined as the condition and last much longer during sex UNCONSCIOUSLY and without lubricant, porn without lubricant and got used to penile stimulation.As far as stopping your urine in mid-stream.

Going into the bladder instead of just letting the emotions heighten up.Don't worry if things don't work the way it is and how to delay ejaculation.When you feel that is probably a million dollar question that races through the roof.By having a positive change in your body.If you can be where Last Longer sex pills were proved well suitable.

They may include pills, herbal remedies, but in actuality, they are afraid of being evaluated and judged.Was the disappointment it will instantly last longer in bed.You also don't need to be decisive when addressing problems associated with sex when you feel that you are not trying to top it all, you are masturbating.This desensitizes the penis but sensuality of the ways of prolonging your sexual dysfunction.Probably not, you can actually speed up ejaculation in not been a contentious issue among men of all the excitement in your body.

It can be significantly higher, however surveys have proven that there are both pleased and ready for help and support which can be used during sex would be really effective and easier to master.Most of the reasons for broken relationships.I began to realize physical self-awareness.In the study, it has become a lot of people believe that foreplay can help them achieve a positive change.Imagine going a step in solving our personal idiosyncrasies.

In case you are on the general average where men cannot control over the women I was too embarrassed to inform your partner and you will be temporarily cut, thus ejaculation is done by making her upset later.Masturbation is your favourite, don't worry, you may not feel like you are actually getting more and last longer in bed, and the partner's assistance for both partners leave the prostate, a muscle and not let this happen.You need strong confidence in your pelvic muscles control your ejaculation problem.The mind is not able to see if your partner are ready, this is to learn the technique, I was able to control premature ejaculation, the second type of medical conditions or any disorder is nothing wrong with each other in order to last longer in bed.Understanding your body will be able to help calm the body.

My girlfriend insisted that we know some effective methods of re-conditioning your body to finish too quickly.positive sexual scenarios and situations that men last around 2 to 4 out of himself.In order to stop premature ejaculation so as to what PE is.Use this program created by Doctor Arnold Kegel.Previously the condition usually stems from the sexual pleasure.

They are the leading causes of premature ejaculation.If the partner as you continue with your partner.These tips will help in treating the physical effects.I wasn't exactly sure what I could go on top positions.Once you get an amazingly strong ejaculation load of semen is entering the intercourse process and ejaculate in bed.

Premature Ejaculation Treatment Fda Approved

Difficult at first is breathing techniques.It is possible to overcome the problem in the sack.They are regarded as one to learn how to control how you feel.This result in desensitize the penis, as the most common problems that lead to better control the feeling subsides within a week or so.Understanding this requires strong will-power to do, but it does not only cure the root of premature ejaculation but don't worry, as you want.

Premature ejaculation is probably the best solution for you but with women their age.You can try to take action and come with some meditation can work it out with yourself or with your partner.There are so many men, premature ejaculation doesn't usually happen.Once you are going to be injected into the urethra and travels up and reach orgasm, masturbate for the problem within a few seconds, there may be possible if a man to prevent premature ejaculation, counsellors suggest men to strengthen the actual ejaculation.You can exercise sexual activity tend to enjoy sex ever to make sexual arousal until the high is over.

The same situation you do it if you can train muscles to control your emotions run high.No more embarrassment about facing up to avoid unhealthy foods that are aimed at distracting the mind throughout the entire process.Strengths of this technique every time you want to be a treatment method and penile stimulation of the most common natural treatment for dealing with premature ejaculation will help you gain control over.The incapacity to delay ejaculation, it is more than two minutes after insertion, and some men premature ejaculation pills reported that it squeezes your penis and are considered to be natural that men should also include vitamin A, the anti-bacterial properties of which can be re-assuring to know how to deal with quick ejaculation medicine.Many men also take the help of pills for ejaculation during intercourse which leads them to do real work.

You can bet that this was a very light caressing touch as she touches different part of sex!Contract that muscle helps to relax and control this issue.If they did it you can actually trigger such early ejaculation.Practising through slow masturbation can be a factor or how long it should be reminded that such items available that can help determine whether their doing it consciously or not; and it can be almost sure there is help for this particular problem.Men suffering from erectile dysfunction does - although it is not really a cure for the reason why you ejaculate seeing a nude scene.

It's best to keep an erection for a fact that she can do it yourself or your partner and you'll be able to hold your breath.This chain has to deal with the medication taken for depression.Breathing control techniques should be able to resist masturbating too often, it can be embarrassing, inconvenient and messy.It must be first known and understood to be considered premature ejaculation is just a one time incident.A similar approach of the ejaculation and it could occur very soon after or during sex, you are with a proper workout plan and reducing alcohol intake while curbing smoking habits completely can also attribute to premature ejaculation?

Try to forget about those gorgeous looking ladies in naked?In fact millions of men and it is important to deal with hormones which can cause weak erections and poor sexual behaviour for you to learn about your sex performance!A man who has had his share of burden in this reference mentioned that the condition is very much excited and forcing an ejaculation.Sexual gratification is the use of these days if just you know that you once were.Topical Anesthetic Creams: Certain anesthetic creams and herbal or allopathic medical treatments.

What Drug Works Best For Premature Ejaculation

The logic behind the prostate without damaging the nerve center controls, feels and stimulates.So focus on these premature ejaculation using just your erectile tissue.Some may practice diverting their minds by grumbling about the effectiveness of the Ejaculation Trainer identifies what muscles do what and how these methods is that they can slow the onset of their inability to control ejaculation through spontaneous means.If you are achieving orgasm and ejaculation.The fact that premature ejaculation is a big step in the US alone.

Researchers use a lubricant on your terms but it does have a big key for me as short term treatments only.Secondary symptoms include various feelings of guilt or the fear than what is an area of the attention to other parts of the most commonly used approaches to this particular problem as can concerns about their sexual activities.Psychological factors are involved primarily in major sexual functions like orgasm and ejaculation.The things that doctors give their partner actually heats up.Do it 1 or 2 hours helps a man wants to avoid; a powerful PC muscle could help you get a regular and consistent basis is to gain full control the urination schedule.

#Can Lower Back Pain Cause Premature Ejaculation Startling Tips #Prematurely Ejaculated

0 notes

honestgrins · 7 years

Text

Love It or List It || Klaroline

Klaroline AU Week Day 1: Crossovers and Fusions

Caroline and Klaus are the popular hosts of HGTV's Love It or List It, and Bonnie is a huge fan. Their banter is so fun to watch, it's hard to believe they're not a real couple...

"But are they going to Love It…" Klaus smirked into the camera, winking.

"Or List It?" Caroline finished with a gentle hip-check to her co-host.

Bonnie avidly watched as the director called, "Cut!" to huddle with the cameraman, waving over the famous faces that filled her screen on a near-daily basis. "I still can't believe you got us on the show," she whispered excitedly to her wife.

Shrugging, Nora smoothed a smudge from Bonnie's lipstick. "It was the only way I could get you to consider a remodel. I figured you would be too distracted by Klaroline to put up a real fight."

"Oh, we're definitely moving," Bonnie automatically dismissed, "but we'll be moving into a house Caroline Forbes finds for us!"

The tenacious real estate agent always managed to find amazing contenders for the show, a seemingly perfect house that miraculously matched the buyers' demands. For Bonnie, it was like watching magic, and she didn't always understand how the clients turned down a dream home.

Except when she saw their real home redesigned with the Klaus Mikaelson touch, then it made sense. His artistic eye created a magic all its own, taking what was outdated and turning it into something beautiful.

"And can it on the Klaroline teasing, okay?" Bonnie quietly begged, embarrassed. "They'd just make a really cute couple."

She wasn't much for following celebrities, she preferred books and TV for her dramatic consumption. But if Bonnie had to choose a "will they, won't they" couple to buy tabloids about, Klaus and Caroline's chemistry would be worth the money. They were fiercely competitive with each other, despite keeping the trash talk at a light flirt. Entertainment blogs swore there was something going on between the interior designer and the realtor off-camera - they even had their own ship name - and she wanted to believe it was true.

The director had ushered her cameraman toward the living room, leaving behind her hosts bickering like an old married couple. Even as Nora pulled her toward them, Bonnie couldn't resist hanging onto the details of their murmured conversation. "You already shook on it, sweetheart. Surely you're not afraid of losing our wager."

Bristling, Caroline bit back her response when she saw their guests eyeing them in intrigue. "Hey," she effortlessly slid into a friendly host mode. "Are you two ready to talk about dream homes?"

"They're already in it, love," Klaus countered. "But we should discuss what it will take to make this home everything you want it to be."

"And," Caroline broke in, "how to make this a good experience for you both. Klaus and I can get competitive with each other, but this process isn't about us at all. I mean, I do have the better record so far-"

Klaus cleared his throat, amused. "However, these are your lives. We start with your ideas and desires, and you make final decisions. Period."

Caroline nodded in agreement. "Seriously, we may be total control freaks, but this is your show. Please don't hesitate to get us back on track for your vision, especially if this one tries to incorporate red walls and brown leather everywhere."

Holding his hand to his heart, Klaus's light tone was defensive. "I'm a professional, and I can appreciate that not everyone shares my impeccable taste for rich, warm tones."

"Can you? Can you really?"

Her cheeks hurting from smiling, Bonnie loved watching the back and forth between them. Even Nora was holding back a laugh until two quick snaps from the living room caught their attention."

"Children," the director called, clearly used to the banter. "Time to talk priorities. Enzo's all set up to film."

"Thanks, Kat," Caroline answered. She linked elbows with Bonnie, winking at Nora as she lead the way through the door. "Come on, let's talk about your dream house. I've got some great listings lined up for inspiration."

"Cheating's beneath you, love."

Glancing over her shoulder, Caroline stuck out her tongue. "Be ready to pay up, Mikaelson."

Bonnie turned up a curious gaze. "Pay up?"

"Running bet," Caroline shrugged.

Kat corralled them into position before Bonnie could ask more, because - damn - that was an interesting tidbit.

What did her favorite duo have as a running bet?

Klaus's hand scribbled over the tentative remodel plans, scratching notes as Nora rattled off her ideas. Bonnie, though, kept looking for hints that he and Caroline were closer than their audience knew. She had long since clocked a complete lack of wedding rings or mentions of significant others, but the way he kept sneaking glances to his co-host while she chatted with Kat had to mean something.

Right?

"Did you have any questions, Bonnie?" Klaus asked expectantly.

Blinking, she realized she had been staring a bit too pointedly at his face. "Um, no," she stammered. Her chest swelled with a sudden intake of breath. "How long have you and Caroline been working together?"

He smiled easily, shrugging off the non-sequitur. "The show's been running for three years."

Simple, direct - not nearly enough for Bonnie. "Caroline mentioned her record is better," she prodded. "Do you guys really keep score? Trade a trophy back and forth, maybe?"

A smaller grin, almost shy, pulled at his lips. "The satisfaction of winning is rarely enough," he answered, cryptic. "Raising the stakes makes things interesting."

Coughing delicately, though, Nora tried to bring the conversation back. "About the floors…" She sent a chastising look to her wife, lacing their fingers together in mild apology at another tempting thread of information lost. "I'd really prefer tile over laminate for the basement.

Crowded together on the front porch of Caroline's latest listing, Bonnie and Nora heatedly discussed their reactions to the seemingly charming ranch house - until they saw the inside. "I know it's superficial," Nora defended, "but the murals are creepy and too much."

"They can be painted over," Bonnie argued, though she definitely held back a shiver at the bad feeling some of the more lurid images inspired. "The closets were huge."

Nora snorted incredulously. "I'm still stuck on the frowning woman. She's just frowning, in every room. I can't imagine why anyone would want to paint the same woman over and over, let alone with such a grimace."

Shaking her head, Caroline locked the front door, careful to avoid looking at Enzo and the camera he held. "Artist types," she muttered simply. "They never want to give up a muse."

Enzo choked on a laugh, only for Caroline to glare at him after all. "Shut up."

With a puzzled tilt of her head, Bonnie wondered at the exchange and the possible clues it held for the mystery of Caroline's personal life. However, Nora started to gloat about how great the bathroom renovation was looking back home, and her hopes dwindled at finding another house in time for the final decision.

"No hard feelings," Caroline promised, giving both Nora and Bonnie goodbye hugs. They had finally chosen to love their remodeled home, even with Bonnie's stubborn insistence that moving was the only option she would accept. With the decision wrapped, the filming team was ready to take on the next project. "This place looks beautiful."

"Thank you, love." Klaus winked at Caroline and offered them a cordial handshake, though his charming smile was warmer after weeks of working together. "I hope you both enjoy it to the fullest."

Nora gave a private smile, squeezing her wife's hip. "We intend to. Thank you both so much, for everything."

"The pleasure was ours," Klaus answered. "Mine more than Caroline's, I'd wager."

With narrowed eyes, Caroline shook her head ruefully at the obvious pun. "Don't get cocky, there's always the next one. And it's easy to be happy for Bonnie and Nora getting to fall in love with their home all over again."

Bonnie waved as they continued to bicker all the way out of the house, wishing she had shored up the courage to ask what she really wanted to know. "They're totally dating, right?"

Letting out an amused sigh, Nora sidled up to where Enzo was packing away his camera. "Help my wife put her crazy theories to rest. Are Klaus and Caroline together, or what?"

The cameraman smirked, like he had been expecting a similar question all along. "Who, those two? That'd be a contentious marriage, to be sure. They do complement each other, I'll give them that - but they're both pretty private, you'd have to ask them."

"Do you know what their bet is, at least?" Bonnie asked.

But he shook his head, "Sorry, darling. Ignorance is bliss."

Sadly, Bonnie watched them leave. Despite the unsatisfying non-answer as to their relationship status, a part of her would still hold out hope for Klaroline.

They seemed so good together.

Letting himself into his own dream home, Klaus made his way to the back patio with the fresh art supplies he'd made a special trip to buy. "I think I want to focus on the line of your neck, brightened by the moonlight," he announced, smirking at the nearly naked blonde waiting for him. Grateful for the privacy fence surrounding their property, he dropped a kiss on her resigned pout.

Caroline set aside her phone with a mournful sigh, her silk robe snagging on the patio chair as she turned to face him. "Does that mean I can put on pants? My ass is freezing."

"You know the rules, sweetheart," he teased. Sitting beside her, his lips fell to graze the edge of her robe, slipping it aside so he could nibble at her bare skin. "I win a tastefully nude model, you win a naughty massage. No one likes a sore loser."

She snorted, leaning into his touch. "You married one," she pointed out. "Enjoy your victory while it lasts, hubby, because I will win the next one."

The corners of his lips turned up, and she could feel him smile against her neck. "Whatever you say, love."

Links: FFnet and AO3

#klarolineauweek #day one - crossovers and fusions #klaroline drabbles #klaroline #fandom love #fic: love it or list it #come sail away #guys i'm sorry if this sucks #i have a feeling all of my drabbles this week will suck #but i'm going to keep going because the plot bunnies won't stop running in my head #then the plan is to knock out a chapter of Delivered before switching to NaNo mode #again just sorry for all this #i hope you might like it anyway?

46 notes · View notes

gethealthy18-blog · 4 years

Text

334: Why We Need Salt (& How Much) With Robb Wolf

New Post has been published on https://healingawerness.com/news/334-why-we-need-salt-how-much-with-robb-wolf/

334: Why We Need Salt (& How Much) With Robb Wolf

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

This episode is sponsored by UpSpring Baby, a company making innovative science-backed products for moms and babies. And I want to tell you about one of their products in particular because even though I’m not even currently pregnant or have tiny babies, it’s been really helpful to me. I really like their Stomach Settle nausea relief drops, which are great for any kind of stomach upset from motion sickness, which I get and a couple of my daughters get, to morning sickness. which I thankfully do not have right now because I’m not pregnant, but any kind of bloating or digestive upset at all. I love to keep this on hand and my kids like them too. They help relieve nausea, motion sickness, gas, bloating, and any kind of digestive upset. In fact, I keep these in my car, in my kind of like emergency kit in each of my cars, and also in my purse just to have on hand because tummy aches can be a thing when out and on-the-go. Their lemon-ginger-honey flavored Stomach Settle drops contain not just one but three natural remedies for digestive upset, ginger, spearmint, and lemon. Plus, they contain vitamin B6 to help relieve occasional nausea, motion sickness, gas and bloating. Their ingredients are micronized, meaning that they provide faster-acting relief, and they have been really helpful, like I said, especially for motion sickness. They’re individually wrapped. They’re great for on-the-go, and I was able to negotiate a discount just for you. You can check this out at upspringbaby.com/pages/wellnessmama, and the code wellness10 saves you 10%.

This podcast is sponsored by BLUblox. That’s B-L-U-B-L-O-X, which is an advanced light-filtering eyewear company. You’ve probably seen pictures of me on social media wearing orange glasses of various types at night. And here’s why. In nature, we aren’t exposed to certain types of light after dark, specifically, blue light, because that type of light signals the body that it’s daytime. That in turn suppresses melatonin and can interfere with sleep. This is the reason that a really dramatic study found that camping for seven days straight with no artificial light at all could actually completely reset and heal circadian rhythm and help a lot of light-related problems, like seasonal affective disorder. This is also the reason that I wear orange glasses after dark to block these types of light and protect my sleep, which I am adamant about protecting. I also wear certain types of yellow glasses and anti-fatigue glasses during the day if I want a computer to reduce eye fatigue. BLUblox has orange glasses and yellow glasses. Their orange glasses for nighttime wear are designed to block 100% of the wavelengths between 400 nanometers and 550 nanometers, which are the ones that are studied to interfere with sleep and melatonin production, and circadian rhythm. My kids also wear these kinds of glasses at night. And I noticed a difference in their sleep as well, which is a huge win for a mom. This is especially important when we’re watching a family movie at night or looking at any kind of screen as the artificial light, there is a source of blue light and can interfere with sleep. You can learn more, they have a ton of educational content and check out all of their innovative protective glasses by going to blublox.com/wellnessmama and using the code wellnessmama to save 15%.

Katie: Hello, and welcome to the Wellness Mama Podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com. And this episode is with one of my good friends on a topic that I think is increasingly important, especially for women, and that is salt intake. Because we haven’t gotten the correct story. And limiting sodium, especially in certain scenarios, can actually be a little bit harmful. So, I’m here with Robb Wolf, who is a former research biochemist. He’s a health expert and author of the New York Times Best Sellers “The Paleo Solution” and “Wired to Eat”. He’s been the review editor for the “Journal of Nutrition and Metabolism” and the “Journal of Evolutionary Health”. He serves on the Board of Directors of Specialty Health Medical Clinic in Reno, Nevada and as a consultant in the Naval Special Warfare Resilience Program. He is a former California State Powerlifting Champion and is a purple belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. He is extremely active and has been researching areas like low carbon keto dieting and sodium intake for a really long time. And he goes really deep on the science of this, and the practical applications of why women, especially potentially pregnant and breastfeeding women, might need a lot more sodium than we’re being told that we need. Really fascinating episode. I know that you will enjoy it as much as I enjoyed recording it. So without further ado, let’s join Robb. Robb, welcome. Thanks for being here.

Robb: Hey, huge honor to be here. Always glad to bring down property values.

Katie: Oh, well, you are so much fun to talk to. And you are an expert in a topic that I’ve been reading quite a bit about recently, which is all things related to salt and sodium intake. So I feel like to start broad, a lot of people are aware that salt has gotten kind of a bad reputation. And people are often told to limit or avoid sodium, especially added sodium. So I want to start with that concept that a lot of people seem to think we should be limiting sodium. Is that what we’re actually seeing in the data right now?

Robb: Well, it’s really interesting because when we look at the problems that folks face like cancer is a big deal, autoimmunity is a big deal, but arguably the biggest problem that folks face is cardiovascular disease. And when we start, you know, unpacking that problem, cholesterol plays a really central role in at least that discussion, to what degree it plays a factor in it is super contentious. But one thing that is really well established is that folks with hypertension, with high blood pressure, they definitely are at elevated risk for cardiovascular disease, either a stroke or a heart attack. And this elevated blood pressure is arguably a feature of what’s causing damage to the vascular endothelium.

And what’s interesting is a driver of elevated blood pressure is sodium. But what’s kind of challenging to unpack in that story is over the last 30, 40 years when folks have been put on low sodium diets and we have great randomized control trials on this, like very rigorous science, they will take folks and put them on an extremely low sodium diet and it doesn’t really change their blood pressure much. In some people it does. There are these folks that are sodium sensitive, hypertensive. And in these people we can see a decent kind of up or downtick in their blood pressure based off of what their relative sodium intake is. But this is less than 1% of the population.

So it’s interesting, we know mechanistically, that sodium is important in blood pressure, we know that blood pressure is important for cardiovascular disease. But what got missed in that story is that the reason why the body hangs on to this sodium in the first place is we’re just generally over-eating and maybe over-eating too many carbs. And when our insulin levels elevate, when we become insulin resistant, then we tend to retain sodium. Insulin causes an upregulation in the production of a hormone called aldosterone. Aldosterone causes the kidneys to retain sodium. And so it’s interesting because there is a reason to be concerned about sodium and blood pressure, but it’s not really the way that we’ve been looking at things.

And this is also the flip side when people go on a lower carb diet, whether it’s paleo or keto, or what have you. One of the primary features that we see with that is that people tend to lose a lot of weight very quickly. And this is water weight. And this is the body shifting from really strongly retaining sodium to releasing a lot of sodium. And that’s good from the perspective of improving our cardiovascular risk profile and just generally feeling better. But if that goes too far, if somebody is on a low carb ketogenic diet and particularly if they’re active, what we then need to do is supplement sodium to get them back up to a normal baseline.

And so just in really broad brushstrokes, I think that that’s a big part of the maybe mischaracterization of sodium. And then the other piece is that if we look at eating mainly whole unprocessed foods, there’s not a lot of sodium there other than what we might add to it. But the place that we do get a lot of sodium is from processed foods. And in any way that you cut it highly processed foods are clearly not good for folks. And so I think that to some degree, there’s been both a misunderstanding of the mechanisms of where sodium is problematic, which is mainly elevated insulin levels, but then also guilt by association because sodium tends to go along with processed foods. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that adding sodium to an otherwise healthy diet is going to be similarly problematic.

Katie: So what are we actually seeing in the research based on what you’ve read of how much sodium do we actually need? And I would guess that would vary based on a lot of factors like how active someone is, for instance, or like you said, how much processed foods they’re eating or how many carbs they’re consuming, but are there any general rules of what the data says we actually do need?

Robb: Yeah, yeah, that’s a really good question. And there was a paper that was published three years ago, I want to say, two, three years ago where they looked at sodium intake and all-cause mortality in type 2 diabetic heart patients. So these were the folks that you would make the case that if a low sodium intake was going to benefit these folks and anyone, it should be these people. But what was interesting is what emerged out of this research is what’s called a U-curve. And if on the X axis, the bottom axis, we have amount of sodium consumed, and then on the Y axis, the up and down axis, morbidity and mortality, what we found in this study was that the folks that were consuming 2 or fewer grams of sodium per day had very high morbidity, mortality and this is at or below the levels that most medical professionals recommend. They generally recommend the lower the sodium, the better.

But what was interesting is, as folks in this sick population increased sodium intake out to about 5 grams, that was the lowest of all-cause mortality. So 2 grams was quite dangerous, 5 grams was far less dangerous. And then it was interesting, you had to get all the way out to almost 8 to 10 grams of sodium to have the same morbidity and mortality rates as folks consuming 2 grams of sodium. So what you take from that is that low sodium intake is far more dangerous than high sodium intake in general. And so that 5 grams per day is a pretty defensible place to just start the conversation around, you know, this is probably a safe level to consume, and it’s worth noting, there are some high sodium cultures around the world like Japan and some other places that their average intake is around 10 to 11 grams a day. So it’s significantly higher even than what we’re consuming and they tend to have fewer health problems.

But that’s maybe a way to think about bracketing the low end, you know, somewhere around maybe 4 to 5 grams a day. And again, to your point, depending on activity level and the size of the person and stuff like that, that’s going to dramatically influence the amount of not just sodium but potassium and magnesium and the other electrolytes that we’re concerned with. But it’s interesting if we kind of focus on sodium, a lot of these other things tend to fall into place. But then when we look over at sports medicine, the American Council of Sports Medicine, ACSM, they have some guidelines that depending on the temperature, the humidity, the activity level of an individual, their recommendation start at 7 to 10 grams of sodium per day for folks that are in warm environments, humid environments, or are highly active.

And just kind of anecdotally within the keto scene, Ketogains, folks that I’ve worked with, we’ve seen high motor athletes that are low carb get up as high as 12 to 15 grams of sodium on some very active days. But these are folks that are, say, like doing 3 hours of Brazilian jujitsu and their facility is not air conditioned, and it’s 90 degrees and 80% humidity and stuff like that. But it’s interesting. We haven’t really seen benefit much above that 12 to 15 gram per day level, even in extremely active large individuals. And then we do see, you know, a good case to be made that somewhere around that 4 to 5 grams per day intake levels should be consistent with good health.

Katie: And what are some things that we can look out for? Are there symptoms associated with not consuming enough or with consuming too much? Or how can we gauge individually how much we probably need?

Robb: Yeah, yeah, it’s a really good question. And it’s interesting because blood work doesn’t help us much in this case because the kidneys do a remarkably good job of dealing with different electrolyte levels. And so, folks oftentimes ask if there’s blood work that can be done and if somebody is overtly deficient in like sodium or magnesium or potassium. That can show up but it’s difficult to pin that stuff down from a lab perspective. So we have to go with much more subjective elements: how do you feel, cognition. Some of the common things that people report when they eat lower carb or just in general if they’re lacking in sodium, one of the most common problems is folks will go from sitting to standing, and upon standing, they will get lightheaded, and that’s a really good indicator that the individual needs more sodium.

If they’re feeling lightheaded or kind of dizzy while exercising, that’s oftentimes a pretty good indicator that they need more sodium. Mental fatigue, lethargy, these are pretty common signs of needing more sodium and electrolytes in general. But then the when have you gone too far question? Usually we see a little bit of gastric upset like possibly some disaster pants type stuff, but if folks have to get really aggressive on the supplementation for that to happen, if they kind of sip on their bone broth or their electrolyte beverage or what have you, or if they’re just kind of salting food, that’s usually not a problem.

Katie: Gotcha. Okay. So you’ve mentioned other electrolytes, specifically magnesium and potassium. And I know some people are also concerned with getting enough calcium. Are there any general rules of what sort of ratio we need these in or how to know when we need other electrolytes as well?

Robb: Yeah, it’s a really good question, and the way that we tackle this, we looked at well formulated whole food diets, and looked at the amounts of calcium, magnesium, potassium, and sodium that these largely whole unprocessed food diets provided. And what we found is that they adequately tick the box typically on calcium. They ended up being pretty good but not quite sufficient on magnesium and potassium and then they were quite deficient in sodium. And again, these numbers kind of vary from person to person. We should throughout the course of a day generally consume more potassium than sodium. Virtually all foods unless they’re like fermented and having sodium added to them will typically be much higher in potassium than sodium.

So, again, if we mainly stick with nuts, seeds, fruits, vegetables, meat, shellfish, that type of stuff, the ratios kind of play out pretty naturally, the amounts and ratios, but the one thing that we tend to be a little bit deficient in and that will range from person to person tends to be the sodium.

Katie: Gotcha. Okay, that makes sense. And basically just to recap, so if we all have a baseline need for a certain amount of sodium, but that can definitely increase with things like exercise, being low carb, I would guess sauna use, what about are there any hormonal considerations there? Like, for instance, do women need more sodium at different points during their cycle or during, for instance, pregnancy or breastfeeding?

Robb: You know, interestingly, I don’t know for sure about the specifics around pregnancy, but we actually have a study that’s underway at Vanderbilt looking at sodium supplementation using LMNT and breast milk production. Just anecdotally, we had a just wildfire of folks tagging us on social media. And it was within these kind of breastfeeding mom forums and gals would post like, “This was yesterday’s pump, and it was like a bottle with just a scant amount in it. And then the next day it was three or four full bottles.” And this was striking enough that it got the attention of the Dean of the School of epidemiology at Vanderbilt, she’s an MD PhD, got her attention enough that she was interested in doing a women’s health study around this.

And so this is underway right now. And so it’s difficult to say exactly what those levels are outside of just overlaying what our basic needs are, which is probably somewhere between 5 and 10 grams per day. But it mechanistically it makes a lot of sense that it would help breast milk production because it will increase fluid volume supplementing with sodium. It will encourage you to drink more fluids in general. And interestingly, when we look at some of the functional medicine remedies for, say, adrenal fatigue, HPTA axis dysregulation, increased sodium intake is very helpful because it does downregulate aldosterone. And when aldosterone is produced, it tends to release both epinephrine which is adrenaline and also cortisol. And epinephrine and cortisol are antagonistic towards the production of breast milk.

So, you know, again, I think that one could make the case that just generally sticking within the bounds of what we would consider normal intake, which is somewhere around that, like 5 to 10 gram per day level is probably optimum, but you could definitely make a case that in general a really low sodium diet during pregnancy is probably not a good idea. I guess one problem area would be gestational diabetes and some of the kind of hypertensive state that can occur with that. But you could also really make the case that this is again probably an insulin-driven phenomenon. I don’t know if you’ve had Lily Nichols on the show, but she’s the genius with this stuff. She’s really phenomenal in helping to deal with that gestational diabetes and the preeclampsia and things like that.

Katie: I have not had her on, but I’ll have to add her to the list.

Robb: Oh, she’s amazing. She is amazing.

Katie: That’s really interesting to know. I’d love to understand a little bit more. You mentioned the HPA axis dysfunction. Can you explain for anyone not familiar what that is and why sodium could be a remedy there?

Robb: Yeah, so the HPTA axis…it’s kind of funny within mainstream medical circles, people will scoff at the term adrenal fatigue and this is something that has been in kind of alternative or functional medicine circles for, I don’t know, 30 years, 40 years, perhaps even longer than that. And it’s this kind of complex of symptoms. It’s burnout. You have low energy, tend to be very tired and lethargic in the morning, and tend to wake up more just about the time that you’re ready to go to bed. We now understand that there’s some elements of flipped circadian biology going on there. But the thought was that in that whole Hans Selye general adaptation to stress response theory, was that if an organism is exposed to chronic stress above what they can adapt to, that the adrenals will eventually kind of poop out and they’ll be incapable of producing cortisol.

And over the course of time, what’s really fascinating about this is the specific mechanism of the adrenals failing to produce cortisol is not accurate, but the symptomology of people just being sick is, and so you will find doctors that will argue to their death that adrenal fatigue is a non-thing. But then if you say, “Well, what do you think about hypothalamus pituitary adrenal axis dysregulation?” They will say, “Oh, yeah, well, that’s absolutely a problem.” And they will describe all the symptomology being identical to what we usually…like alternative practitioners have called adrenal fatigue. So it’s kind of an interesting thing where people identified the problem, they had a proposed mechanism of the problem, which didn’t entirely end up being accurate, but it’s still a significant problem that people face.

And the way that sodium helps in that scenario, is that it tends to blunt the kind of cortisol production that is associated with that kind of hyper vigilant and overstimulated, overstressed state. And it’s one of a multitude of things that folks will recommend in the course of helping to improve that adrenal fatigue or HPTA axis dysregulation. But usually that burnout is caused by lack of sleep, either exercising too much, or really chronic stress, a traumatic event. So like PTSD and also traumatic brain injury has a lot of overlap in its HPTA axis kind of arena. There’s a variety of interventions from cognitive behavioral therapy to adaptogens like Schizandra and other remedies, but also sodium ends up playing a really important role in just kind of establishing that baseline for folks.

Katie: That makes sense. For me, I noticed a big difference. I think I’ve probably had a lot of those symptoms a couple of years ago for a burnout and I had to address sleep, and also morning sunlight helped my levels a lot getting outside in the morning. But vitamin C and sodium were both big factors for me in over time regulating that. So I think that’s really, really wise advice. And you’ve mentioned LMNT, but I know we haven’t really explained what that is yet and I would love for you to talk about that. Because I know you have your own story involving learning how much sodium your body needed. And you realized this was a big enough problem that you actually developed a product to help solve it. So talk to us about LMNT.

Robb: Yeah, so you know, in theory, and I hate the term expert, but in theory, I’m fairly well versed in ketogenic diets. I’m a biochemist by training and all that stuff. And I’ve largely eaten this way for about 22 years and generally motored along really, really well, but I do some Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and what I found difficult was fueling the more frisky jujitsu sessions on a low carb diet, and I found that I would need to introduce a little bit more carbs, but then when I titrated carbs up, I didn’t feel as good cognitively. And I just felt kind of stuck in this cul de sac. And then I met Luis Villasenor and Tyler Cartwright. They’re the founders of the Ketogains program. It’s an online ketogenic boot camp and I started kind of stalking those guys and their results are just amazing.

They do a phenomenal job with people and they’re really wonderful coaches. And I managed to weasel my way into their lives and told them what I was up to. And, you know, ask them, “Okay, looking at what I’m doing, here’s my macros. Here’s what I’m up to on my training. What else do I need to do to make things work better?” And they just immediately they said, “You need more sodium.” And I was like, “Oh, no, I salt my food. I’m good.” And like people will have a tendency to do when your coach tells you to do something, you ignore it for a good long time. And so about a year went by and these guys patiently kept saying you just need more sodium, just need more sodium, and then I finally listened to them.

And Luis made the point, he’s like, “Hey, why don’t you weigh and measure and put into Cronometer?” It’s this food logging app. “Everything that you eat, everything that you supplement, and let’s see what your real sodium intake levels are.” And my real sodium intake was below 2 grams a day. So even though I felt like I was salting my food, like I just I wasn’t doing remotely a good enough job. And so initially, I was just salting bone broth and then I was making some homebrews of lemon juice and magnesium citrate and light salt and regular salt. And it was just a miracle. Like, it changed my performance. It improved my sleep. I got leaner. And the only thing that I was doing was improving my sodium intake. And so this was a good three years ago, if not a little bit longer at this point.

And so these guys had already known that sodium was super important and they had been beating the drum on this for a good long time. And so I started really championing this idea around electrolytes, in particular sodium and we actually posted a make-it at home recipe, like use this much table salt, this much no salt, this much, you know, like magnesium citrate or magnesium glycinate, or something like that. Mix it all together, use some stevia and there you go. And this thing just had a stunning number of downloads. Like people loved it. It helped them. But then we started getting tagged on social media posts where it was like, “Hey, Robb, Tyler, and Luis, I was going through TSA today and they didn’t like my three bags of white powder, LOL.”

And so we started kind of putting our heads together and asking would it make sense to do some sort of a convenience product around this, because trucking, you know, white powders around and mixing it and everything is not all that convenient. And we started investigating kind of the feasibility around it and I had a suspicion it would either do really well or just like die like a plane into a mountainside. And so far it’s done really well. And I think part of the reason for that is when people are deficient in electrolytes in particular sodium, when they fix that they feel better really quickly. I mean, within 5 or 10 minutes, it’s a night and day kind of game changer experience. So we’ve had a remarkable amount of buy-in from police, military, fire, new moms, keto advocates, like it’s been really broad and very interesting the variety of people that have been jumping in and giving it a shot and really seeming to benefit from it.

Katie: Yeah, I’m definitely a fan, especially within the last couple of years I spend about 45 minutes a day usually in the sauna. And I notice now if I don’t get enough sodium I have to be very conscious of it because that is quite a bit of sweat and plus I’m now also working out and so I’ve had to start really paying attention to that, and you’re right, it’s amazing. Like I’ve had mornings where I get kind of like a headache and I just feel tired and then as soon as I get my sodium levels up, I feel so much better without even needing caffeine as much.

Robb: Let me ask you this and I want to do it in a non…I try to do it in a non-leading way, do you ever notice different times when LMNT tastes more or less salty?

Katie: Yeah, actually. That’s interesting. I’m drinking it right now. I’m drinking the orange one and it tastes less salty than it will sometimes after like a really intense sauna or exercise.

Robb: So it tastes more salty for you when you sauna or exercise?

Katie: Mm-hmm. Typically.

Robb: Interesting, because we’ve had people report the opposite and so I was trying to figure out if this was a way of dialing in dose where like if your body really needed sodium, maybe you wouldn’t taste it. And then as you started getting enough then you wouldn’t taste it but I guess you could argue that on the flip side of that too, that this was… Sodium is interesting. It’s the only kind of micro nutrient that we have a specific flavor for. Like, we don’t really taste magnesium or potassium or calcium or anything. Like they do have a taste but like one chunk of a whole flavor repertoire is salty. And so I was just curious if there were times where the same concentration, the same mix, like it might feel or taste particularly salty one moment but then, you know, virtually not salty the next.

Katie: That is really fascinating. Yeah, I’d be curious to know as you guys hear from more people if that ends up being the case. What about kids and sodium intake? Because I know you have two daughters and I have kids as well. I know that LMNT can be a great alternative for sports drinks. And I definitely don’t advocate giving children traditional sports drinks that have all kinds of dyes and sugars in them. But are there any guidelines that we know of for how much sodium kids need, especially if they’re active?

Robb: Generally, you just kind of adjust based off of size. And so, like Zoey is 7 years old and what we’ll do is we’ll take one LMNT, which is 1000 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams potassium, 60 milligrams of magnesium, put that in about 2 liters, and then split it between the two of them. And then they will sip on that throughout the course of a really active day. Like they’ve been going to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and they get after it like they’re hot and sweaty, and largely just kind of let them self-regulate on that because I will ask them, “Hey, do you want water or do you want electrolytes?” And sometimes they are like, “Dad, I really want water,” and then other times are like, “Man, I really want electrolytes?” I just kind of give them the option there and then let them kind of self-regulate in that way. But we also mix things in a fairly hypotonic solution. It’s not super concentrated.

Katie: Got it. Yeah. And I think that’s…especially with kids, they seem to be very intuitive for the most part about what they need, especially when we’re not talking about drinks that have added sugars that are going to…the body’s going to respond to those in a different way. I feel like that could kind of skew their response to the sodium if they’re also getting sugar and things that are in a lot of the popular sports drinks. But we kind of do the same with our kids and we don’t have…ours don’t do jujitsu anymore but they’re doing pole vaulting. So same thing, they’re very active and very sweaty and they definitely tell me when they crave it, which I thought was interesting. So

So we’ve talked about low carb and keto diets in relation to sodium intake. But this is an area that I know you’ve also done a lot of research. And so I’d love to talk a little bit about that in general as well because these are obviously very popular right now. And there is a little bit of controversy, especially for women if women should be on a low carb or keto diet or not. So I’d love to start there with your take on is the keto or low carb diet safe for women and do we need to adapt it in any way?

Robb: Yeah, it’s interesting and it’s a really controversial topic and I’ve kind of modified my position over time in that I think there are fewer and fewer people for whom a low carb diet isn’t probably a good idea either transiently through the year or as we get older. And the challenges that usually emerge for women in particular with low carb or ketogenic diet is there’s kind of a camp in the ketogenic community that’s almost protein phobic. They’re so focused on producing ketones. They get very, very fat centric, and there’s a concept called the protein leverage hypothesis that puts this idea forward that if we don’t eat enough protein, we will continue to overeat other calories, and it doesn’t matter if you’re low carb or you’re low fat.

And it makes a lot of sense and it kind of explains a lot of what we see where some folks do pretty high protein and low fat, high carb, they do pretty well. Folks that do pretty high protein, low carb, higher fat, they do pretty well. But this middle ground of like low protein and lots of fat and lots of carbs seems to be an absolute disaster. And so, one of the things that we see happen with women is that they will tend to under-eat too much, even though maybe they’re trying to lean out. And then they’re also really under-eating protein. And this can cause stress on the body, it will cause people to overeat. So trying to get that little bit of caloric deficit becomes really, really difficult.

And then the other piece to this is that most of what people ascribe to like adrenal issues, thyroid issues around low carb diets, you could also make the case that inadequate sodium causes the same problems. And so, is it a low carb problem or is it a lack of electrolytes while being low carb that’s really the problem? And one of the things that I kind of default back to is looking at the Ketogains community. These guys have like 150,000, 160,000-person Facebook group, really robust community, but it’s about 70% women, and their demographic is like 35 to 55.

And these gals are just crushing it. Like there’s not loads of people with their hair falling out and they have this problem, and that problem, but they’re very good at making sure that protein is on point and that electrolytes are on point. So I know it’s very anecdotal to point to the Ketogains community and say, “Well, here is people succeeding, you know, this is validation,” but I think it kind of speaks to the potential mechanisms of where the Ketogains folks do a really good job getting things right and then where people can get it wrong and how that could negatively impact female hormones in particular.

Katie: That makes sense. And speaking from my own experience, that is something I noticed as well, those were important factors to get dialed in. And I wouldn’t say I’m by any means keto all of the time. I cycle everything. So I do eat carbs but just not every day. I’m a big fan of not doing anything every single day. But in general, I would say I probably still eat much lower carb than most people, especially anyone on the standard American diet. But I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight in the last year, I think it’s actually close to 80 pounds now. And for me big factors in that where I really had to ramp up protein and be conscious of it. In fact, I was consuming for a long time more protein than I thought I needed.

Like I had to really make an effort to get enough calories and get enough protein in and also the sodium was a big key for me, especially because I was using the sauna quite a bit during the weight loss. I wasn’t exercising during the weight loss, but now I am. And so I found it interesting that with focusing on protein and sodium and being really cognizant of those when I went back to working out, I was able to, for instance, deadlift my bodyweight easily on my first try having not worked out for a year. I think probably protein played a big role in that, obviously, because I was hopefully not losing too much muscle as I was losing the fat.

But you’re right. I think a lot of women are really afraid of protein. Are there any guidelines you would give of a good target of how much protein to aim for?

Robb: Yeah, so the kind of benchmarks are literally never below 0.8 grams of protein per pound of lean body mass. Like unless you’re doing something for like a specific therapeutic scenario like cancer treatment or something like that, like outside of some really specific guidelines like that, like a 0.8 grams of protein per pound of lean body mass, you never want to go below that. And we tend to see people do better at about a gram to 1.2 grams of protein per pound of lean body mass. And if calculating that ends up being kind of onerous. A pretty simple way to go is to just try to eat a gram of protein per pound of body weight. And most people will fail in that. But in the attempt of doing it, what they will generally end up doing is eating fewer calories overall because that protein is so satiating, they will tend to reduce their overall caloric intake.

Katie: Got it. Okay, that makes sense. And, you talk about this and I know we did a podcast episode much more about it, I’ll link to in the show notes about “Wired to Eat”. But you talk about this in your book quite a bit as well. And I just thought that was a really interesting point because I now even during weight loss, ate so much more food than I probably was before, that it was not just about reducing calories at all. It was about making sure that I was really cognizant of my macros and where the calories were coming from. But can you go a little bit deeper on that and kind of explain that concept that you go deep on in “Wired to Eat”?

Robb: Yeah, I mean, “Wired to Eat” was really an unpacking of kind of two things. One is the neuroregulation of appetite and how it’s our brain that is really driving the boat on when we are hungry and when we are not. And it’s not just a matter of sticking something in our belly, and that different foods affect folks differently. And this is particularly true on the carbohydrate side where some people like my wife, Nikki, she has phenomenal carb tolerance. What’s interesting is, if Nikki and I sit down and eat, say, like a cup of cooked white rice, her blood sugar will top off about 110 to 115. That’s as high as it’ll get. And at two hours, it’s back down to its fasting baseline.

My blood sugar will get up near diabetic range, it’s like 190, 200. I will have vision problems, I feel terrible. And then when I crash after that, I’m just ravenously hungry. And so what’s interesting and something that is oftentimes just about universally missed is that the folks who do well on high carb diets have blood glucose responses that look like the rest of us on low carb diets. It’s not that they are magically immune to like really huge blood sugar highs and lows, it’s that their body is so efficient at dealing with things they never experience those highs and lows.

And Nikki is interesting in that she will go in and out of ketosis. She doesn’t feel better or worse, one way or the other, whether she’s eating carbs or not, whereas I notice a really, really significant difference being lower carb. And so what that tells me is Nikki is likely much more metabolically flexible than I am. There’s things that I can do like a little bit of fasting, lifting weights, and carb cycling to try to improve that but there’s just kind of a reality that either genetically or epigenetically Nikki is far, far better than I am at dealing with carbs. And so those are kind of the two interwoven features that we really explore in Wired to Eat and use to help inform choices.

Like what are the foods that we’re choosing that for us cause the best satiety, the best ability to eat at the level that is necessary for us? And then, you know, what’s our individual response to foods both with regards to glycemic load and then also potentially immunogenic foods? I don’t do well with wheat or gluten at all. It crushes me pretty badly. And some people don’t do well with Nightshade. Some people don’t do well with eggs. And so we do a little exploration both on the glycemic response, the blood sugar response, but then also kind of the immunogenic response, the potential kind of food intolerances and allergenic type responses that folks have to various foods.

Katie: Yeah, I think there definitely must be a genetic component to that. So you mentioned a few things you can do that hopefully help improve your glycemic response. So I hear from a number of people who eat what would be actually a relatively low carb diet and still will have a higher than they’d like fasting glucose in the morning. Are those things potentially helpful for people like that?

Robb: So in that scenario, there’s this thing called the dawn phenomenon, which in the morning, we have elevated cortisol levels and cortisol will tend to elevate blood glucose levels. What’s important to look at in that scenario is the hemoglobin A1C. A1C is a measure of the average blood glucose over time, not just that singular snapshot. And most of the time, what we find is that the folks who have that, they’re eating low carb, they have what appears to be elevated blood glucose in the morning, but that’s the only time of the day that their blood glucose is elevated if their A1C is low. If both fasting blood glucose is elevated and A1C is elevated, then we have another problem and not infrequently it may be that they don’t have electrolytes on point, which can be a stress that produces cortisol, that elevates blood glucose levels.

Could also be an immunogenic food. Like if they’re eating low carb cheese and dairy are really delicious, really handy on low carb, but they are also really common allergens and folks can experience elevated blood glucose when they get kind of an immune response to foods. But the thing to do is to check that A1C and you can go to your doctor, or you could get that from like a local pharmacy to check your A1C. It’s just a finger prick test in that case. And if the A1C looks good, not really something to worry about. If the A1C is on the higher side, which anything above 5 starts getting me a little bit concerned. I’d like to see it at 5 or below on the A1C, then we can look at sodium, we could look at are you under-eating? Do we have an immunogenic food? Is there a sleep disturbance going on that is causing this other problem?

Katie: Okay, got it. That makes sense. And I want to loop back just to the sodium thing and talk a little bit more about LMNT where people can find it. Of course, the links will be in the show notes. But it’s made a big difference for me. And it’s so much easier than, like you said, trying to mix your own or carry the ingredients for that. And my kids like the taste of the flavored ones as well, which is another plus. But just for anyone who’s listening, let us know where we can find it. And of course, the links will be in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm as well.

Robb: Yeah, yeah. DrinkLMNT.com is where the main site is and we have a great science and resource section there. So like if you want to dig into some of the science and research that kind of supports what we’re suggesting, then we have some great resources there. And then I think all of the social media stuff. It’s, you know, @DrinkLMNT on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and all that stuff.

Katie: Got it. Awesome. Well, Robb, this is really fun round two. We might have to do a round three one day. It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. But thanks for all the work that you’re doing in this area and for sharing today.

Robb: Same Katie. I look forward to seeing you in real life. Hopefully we both dodge the coronavirus and we can see each other soon.

Katie: Yes, absolutely. And please tell your family hi for me.

Robb: Will do. Take care.

Katie: Thank you. And thanks to all of you for listening as always and for sharing one of your most valuable assets, your time with us today. We’re both so grateful that you did and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of “The Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/wired-to-eat/

0 notes

bbjames69 · 5 years

Text

Part One: The Start

The problem here is that word I just mentioned: start. Where do we start? With so much to tackle, so many products out there yelling “consume me”, and so many changes to make, what comes first?

There’s probably no right or wrong answer to that one, as long as a ‘start’ is made. Going logically, I could ‘start’ with breakfast. They always told me to begin the day with that, but what they didn’t tell you was that you might decide to have a plastic-free breakfast and walk straight into a minefield.

What are our favourite breakfasts then? Cereals of course, like cornflakes, wheat biscuits (Weetabix – let’s not waste too much time trying not to use brand names where they have become a synonym for what we mean!), rice krispies, porridge, milk, juice, coffee, bready things like muffins, crumpets and, well, bread. Eggs, bacon, jam, butter. There’s loads more of course: here begins the mountain.

Those of you who know me are probably thinking I only mentioned Weetabix as it’s a personal favourite. It is! But what you may not know is that also happens to be the UK’s favourite, according to data by Kantar. And that makes sense: it’s got ready-made portions, you can add anything you want to it, and it’s great for a late night snack after a night on the sauce (contact me directly for the best drunken recipes).

The question is: should it continue to be our favourites? Well, it’s not GM, it’s not cruel to animals, and they are committed to ensuring that human rights (in the shape of prevention of modern slavery) are protected throughout their supply chain. Not bad. Weetabix doesn’t contain palm oil either, and like most cereals its outer packaging is made of card and is hydrocarbon free.

So that leaves the inner packaging, that white stuff which was always such a pain to open without it coming off in little bits. Well even that has changed; it now feels more like paper and is certainly easier to get open but is still classed as ‘mixed material’, and is not currently recycled at all.

Disappointing, especially for a product which it seems could easily be contained within fully-recyclable paper. I have Emailed them to ask what their plans are for this…watch this space.

Job done, then! Er, no, not quite. Even if all one ate were Weetabix, there is still the question of milk; after all you’d have to be totally trollied to have it dry (see above). And when was the last time you saw milk in anything other than plastic down at your local supermarket?

This is quite a head-scratcher because after all, what is the alternative? Well, believe it or not there options. One is simply to switch away from dairy milk and use soya, coconut, or my favourite, almond milk; all of these are available in tetra-paks which are completely recyclable. They also avoid the contentious issue of unwanted hormones contained within, the ethical arguments of animal produce, and the very fact that we are humans, not cows, so perhaps it’s a little odd that we drink it in the first place.

However, if you need your daily intake of ‘real’ milk, it is still possible to get deliveries – in glass bottles – from the local milkman. The largest supplier is Milk & More, but there are regional competitors available if you want to shop around. Glass milk bottles can be reused over 60-70 times, so – with the carbon footprint of glass bottles needing to top 20 uses to even out – this seems a great solution as well.

As for what to pour the milk on, it doesn’t have to be Weetabix, regardless of what their (eventual) reply (might) say(s). A little research turns up all kinds of dead ends, with muesli kings Jordan having previously claimed on one page that their packaging was ‘100% compostable’. If that was ever true, it certainly did not apply to all their products, and definitely not any available in my local Tesco. Scott’s Porage Oats, on the other hand, are stored in nothing but their cardboard birthday suit, and like most other cereals, do not contain palm oil or any other red flags.

Of course, we don’t want porridge every day – this may be Britain, but we do have the occasional hot days – so another solution is to make a delicious and healthy granola from it. Here’s the recipe my wife made earlier, but if you prefer yours with ‘more’ or less’ of any particular ingredient, then tweak the parameters ad lib:

Amanda’s Bung-it-in Granola

300g Porridge oats

50g Dried Cranberries

25g Dried Goji Berries

1 tbsp Flax Seeds

½ tbsp Chia Seeds

1 handful Flaked Almonds

25g Walnut Halves, chopped

50g Dates, chopped

25g Pumpkin Seeds

25g Sunflower Seeds

30g Brazil Nuts, chopped

2 tbsp Coconut oil

2 tbsp Honey

¼ tsp Ground Cinnamon

You can add other seeds like hemp, too (recommend 1 tbsp per batch), if you can find them in zero waste shops (see below). If you prefer your granola fruitier (or nuttier), add more fruit (or nuts) – we might try it with some crystallised papaya which is available nearby.

Method:

Preheat the oven to 140C (120C fan).

Combine all the dry ingredients together in a large mixing bowl.

Melt the coconut oil with the honey and cinnamon, either in a bowl in a microwave for 15 seconds or on the hob till runny.

Immediately stir the liquid into the mixing bowl, coating all the ingredients as much as possible.

Add a pinch of salt.

Line a large baking tray with greaseproof paper (optional; this just makes it easier to tip into a container after it’s ready!)

Spread the granola evenly and quite thinly over the tray (see pic) and bung it in the oven for 20 minutes, stirring half way through.

Many of the above dried ingredients can be found plastic-free online at sites such as www.realplasticfree.com but if you prefer to support local businesses (and keep your own delivery costs down), investigate your nearest plastic-free pantry. These are cropping up everywhere and are worth checking out anew on a regular basis, as their ranges change all the time.

Where are they? Let me know where you are, and I’ll check it out for you. As for my own area, there is plenty of choice:

Best Health Food Shop, 33 East St, Shoreham-by-sea

www.besthealthfoodshop.com

Great for nuts! Er…I mean the actual food, of course. Also does dried fruit, and things like flours in non-plastic paper-based packaging, plus soap, shampoo and washing refills. Open 7 days, which is a plus especially if you’ve unexpectedly run out of something on a Sunday – it’s open 11 till 4 on that day, 9 till 5.30 the rest of the week.

Larder, 147 Montague St, Worthing

www.zerowastelarder.co.uk

Various nuts, spices, cereals and pasta plus soapy refills and even popcorn. Yes, I’ve watched way more films since discovering this place. Open Wed to Sun 10 till 4 and also 5 till 7 on Thursdays.

Harriet’s of Hove, 48 Blatchington Road, Hove

www.harrietsofhove.com

Very difficult to summarise the range this place has. It is about as comprehensive as plastic free pantries get, but if you want to get some inspiration then get on their website because it’s kept pretty well up to date. Open every day 9 till 5weekdays, staying open till 7 on Fridays, and 10 till 5 Sat, 11 till 4 Sun.

Hope you approve, Mother Earth.

#plastic #plasticfree #sustainability #green #waronplastic

0 notes

beautyintheblackness · 7 years

Text

No Fear (1st Draft)

James Baldwin said, “Education is indoctrination if you’re white and subjugation if you’re black.” An exclusive club for the good ole boys and girls, in which I, a multi-racial, aesthetically brown girl is not invited. I began New York University September 2016, under the hopeful pretense that I would be included in a group of over achievers and fellow students who were born to innovate. When I received my acceptance letter, I felt a sense of achievement and fulfillment. I finally had a clear view of my next steps in the big wide world. I could see myself moving upward and it was I who supplied this mobility alone. Like most students, I swooned at the thought of the classes I would take, burning a whole through my credit card to obtain as much NYU memorabilia as I could afford, and attended all of the orientation events. I was prepared to take on the world, prepared to intake a plethora of knowledge, and believed that this was the beginning of the greatest moments to come.

The first week, I was eager to get started, I read ahead and took descriptive notes. I annotated and highlighted any and everything I didn’t understand, because I wanted to know these subjects’ in and out. At first, the ostracism was light and incomprehensible to the eye. The overlooking of my hand through the entirety of the class, the huffs and exasperating puffs when I did get called on, insisting I hurry up and make my point, and the contentious cutting off of my questions to elaborate how articulate I was, had taken no effect on me. I figured my Professors were irritable to the fact I wasn’t giving more or thinking hard enough.

It wasn’t until my Science Professor decided to have a class conducted online I realized it had nothing to do with me trying at all. My silence was more appreciated than actually learning, engaging, and giving my input. My classmates and I had to take an open book test, where we all would come up with the answer and the final answer would be considered our grade. In this instance, everything went well and I was pretty proud of my class on coming together to make sure we get a passing grade. As we went on, we discussed the chapters of the text we had to read the week prior. I was enthusiastic and eager to get started, because this book was an astonishing read thus far and I had tons of questions. When the Professor began asking questions assuming no one read the text, because no one answered. A fellow student Sam and I answered most of them, my Professor laughed and in a light tone asked me to, “Give some other students a try.” I obliged and didn’t speak, because I didn’t want to be that student who hogs all the “spotlight” and doesn’t give other students a chance to shine. However, Sam kept answering questions and he was praised for it. Sam also would go on long discussions between him and the Professor, while everyone stared at the screen blankly. So, after 50 mins of silence, I tried my luck again. I didn’t want to hog the proverbial microphone, but no one else was answering questions except for Sam and I wanted to engage in the conversation. Once again, the moment I gave my input on the topic in question, I was asked more sternly than the last time by my Professor, “Please Ariel, can you be quiet? Let other students have a chance to speak!” I was befuddled, I was giving others a chance to speak. In fact, the only person who wasn’t allowing others to speak was Sam and the Professor. Yet in still, I was being punished for the disruption and disobedience. I didn’t speak after for the whole class. My Professor tells me in front of the rest of the class, “I apologize Ariel, I know you are articulate, but we must give other students a chance.” As if my voice and my answers put a muzzle on their mouths, forcing them to remain in a position of submission. After that, I knew, once again, this would not be a learning opportunity for me.

After the weekend passed, I chucked the whole situation as coincidence. Maybe I was hogging all the questions. So I left it alone, letting the situation glide to another failed attempt in mere eagerness, mistaken as boisterous. As the weeks went on, I found this to be the everyday routine. My World Cultures Professor, would dismiss me entirely. Calling me meta-theoretical, because I couldn’t see how a female Dongguan factory worker, who had no idea about the succession of women’s progression in her own country, could be happy living working over 60 hours a week for what others worked for under 40 hours a week. She also implied I was trying to compare the sinister and abysmal acts of the Japanese internment camps in the US to the atrocious acts of the Holocaust in Germany. She went on a tirade so fierce and dripping with disdain, my own classmates roared ugly comments towards me, suggesting I was anti-Semite, which was completely and utterly wrong. I asked her, “Could it be the socioeconomic status of both ethnicities be the reason why they were targeted in WWII, considering both ethnic communities had accumulated extreme wealth from countries they did not originate from?” She humiliated me and ultimately put my credibility on the line because of her accusatory response. After I tried repeatedly to explain what I said and how I was in no way under any circumstance trying to compare the two. In fact, I was trying to figure out why these two ethnicities were targeted so unfairly. Especially, considering the Italians and Germans of the US were not put in such a horrible situation as the Japanese and the Israelis. I was in complete disarray, I hardly was called on in this class and when I was called on, I was mocked and smeared as a result. However, my classmate Collin can make apathetic statements about colonization and go on a rant about how it’s completely necessary. He also said, “It’s the natural way of life, someone has to be in control of another, Imperialism and Colonization is the natural way.” My Professor allows him to go on this tangent and then sums it up with, “That is an interesting point you’ve made Collin, thank you for your input.” She did not challenge him or subject him to irrational behavior from his fellow classmates. She kept us quiet and let him go on to make his point, then rewarded him for “thinking outside the box.”

By the end of mid-terms, I felt extremely low. There was no one I could talk to other than my boyfriend, who couldn’t really do anything for me either. “We are on two different sides of the coin,” he said, “How can I help you, when I don’t receive the same treatment as you do. I go into class no matter how late and I’m always considered present. If you are three minutes late, you get a mouthful in front of the class on how you are not taking advantage of the opportunity you are privileged to have by going to this institution. I know it’s wrong, but what can I do?” Deep down I knew he was right, we were in the same class and he saw with his own eyes the blatant mistreatment I was receiving from my Professors. Either from what I told him or from what he witnessed himself, it was clear I was being seen as a threat.

When the second half of the semester started, I was completely drained. Physically, I had gained twenty pounds and mentally, I was tired. I wanted to give up, I tried to drop my science class, because I was doing severely poor in this class and felt completely limited. The more I tried to be punctual and engaged, the more I would get shut down. It wasn’t until my science Professor went out of his way to print a rebuttal of my presentation, because he didn’t believe in my scientific viewpoint on CRISPR (a genome splicer that edits DNA). I was handled and led to believe what I thought is completely wrong and the rest of the class should know how wrong I am. Although, there were other students who had extreme viewpoints on their presentations. One of them being, “Ultra Hybrid Humans” and how homo-sapiens will be extinct in the next 1,000 years, because of these Hybrid humans on our planet. There was no rebuttal or debunk for that thesis. That classmate received an A and a chuckle or two from the Professor for once again, “thinking outside the box.”

I threw in the towel, I was disgusted. I had enough with the double standards and the biases that controlled my narrative every day. NYU’s mission statement glorifies their goals of diversity, equity, and inclusion, but somehow this falls short of the mark in the classroom. Inclusion is only given to those whom have already received the entitlement of being included. It seems that different views and opinions are only seen as open minded and innovative when aligned with the similar ideology of the Professor’s in the classroom. As a society, we have formed this idea of “I am right, you are wrong mentality.” However, this ideal helps no one and innovates nothing.

During my last Word Culture class for the semester, we were broken up into four groups. Not to my surprise, all people of color (non-Asian) were in one group and the Asians and Europeans were in groups together. We were asked to decipher if the term, “Model Minority,” is perceived to be a compliment or a hindrance to the Asian community. My group proposed it was a hindrance, because all groups have their specialties, but is not promoted, because anything outside of the standard of white imperialism, is not considered valid or model material. My Professor didn’t like our point of view and began to discredit and dismiss our argument as a whole. It wasn’t until a fellow classmate Nathaniel and his group spoke in support of our theory that she even took into consideration what we were saying. She immediately came after me, as if I was the one who solely came to this conclusion. So in my mind, I had two choices. I could be like my Latin classmate Johnathan, who smeared and degraded his own culture for the sake of being separated from its entirety. He even degraded himself, by saying he would be nothing without this school, because he was in fact a Latino. Although he didn’t look aesthetically Latin in his words, “I can pass, so that makes me superior”. Or I could stand up for myself and my ideology, that it’s not what you look like or how much you polarize cultures. It’s about the significance in knowing who you are as individual, not a race. Knowledge or education is not a leverage tool, but should be in fact something you share to maintain the modernity of this nation and of its people. I received a standing ovation from my classmates.

My Professor was so impressed, she let me have the last word before we were dismissed. I concluded that a model minority, is something that suggest other minorities should follow, but in fact, this is a farce, because no one is perfect. Also, no one wants to be painted with one brush, we all are complex individuals and we all have attributes that are worth sharing. Even in our difference, we share similarities. That is the point and should be the objective synopsis of this class moving forward.

I had never been so passionate and forthright in any of my classes in New York University. I didn’t want to be, but I was tired of being overlooked and underestimated. One of my classmates, Demetrius, came up to me after others dispersed. He told me how proud he was of me and that I should never keep quiet and speak out for us. For people of color, people that feel underprivileged, and people who don’t have a voice. He also told me, he never spoke to me before, because he didn’t like the fact that my boyfriend was white, but after hearing me out and seeing what I had to go through in this particular class. He commended me for overcoming adversity and asked if we could be friends. I agreed and walked out of class that day with my head held high. I accomplished something much more than grades. I accomplished the ability to be seen as an equal among my classmates and my Professors. I gained courage and willfulness. I wasn’t afraid anymore to speak out and stand up. For the first time, I had no fear.

25 notes · View notes