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inkskinned · 1 year

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you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.

you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.

instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.

you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.

your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.

because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.

so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.

all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.

#spilled ink #woke up at 530 to write this lmafo #me in a cold sweat:#how do i be normal #edit in the tags:#hey so i've seen y'all talk about like ... wondering if ur ''allowed'' to relate #like if this is about X specific diagnosis #and when i first posted it i really almost labelled it ''please don't assume this is about a specific condition''#because as an artist i am often walking this line of discussing a symptom or discussing my conditions etc #and sometimes yes ! i do want to talk about an experience that is specific to who i am and my condition #but sometimes the effort of the post is about the EXPERIENCE rather than the diagnosis #because yes i am not neurotypical and as a result that influences my work but it is ALSO true that there are many reasons #why someone might experience this particular vague horrible feeling that you are... almost being CHASED by what you ''really'' are.#that you're outrunning your symptoms... that you're not really normal you're just sort of a mockery of a person #.... that's a really isolating and horrible way to feel no matter why you are feeling it. and the nature of this PARTICULAR post is that #it is inherently talking ABOUT that sense of isolation & of feeling not-deserving & of minimizing your own experiences to make urself #palatable for society in a way that others find easy-to-deal-with....#this post is about a certain experience such that my impression is there's a higher likelihood that those who relate #would have more difficulty thinking they ''deserve'' to relate - that it doesn't REALLY belong to them #bc often we are the kind of people who are SO used to being alienated and set aside and ''different'' that we AUTOMATICALLY assume #that things are not ''for'' us... they never have been why would it start now #we are the kinds of people to be ... ''too normal for X diagnosis but too symptomatic to be normal''#[or as this post points out... so good at ''coping''/masking/hiding it that we essentially conform to whatever shape we're poured into]#but i have witnessed others already say in the tags ''thought this was about me but it's about X so it can't be''#and im like ... of course it was about you.#art is not a resource that is diminished by greater appreciation .#you reflect in whatever mirror fits your frame. not just the ones in your bedroom. not just the ones i specifically give you.#there will be - and often are - times that i will talk about my specific conditions... but if you're reading this #regardless of why you're here... we are here together. holding hands through space and time. and i love you for carrying it #and i know you're exhausted. i am too. but i understand. and i see you.

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seagull-scribbles · 9 months

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“Ain’t turtles supposed to be endangered?”

“Only the ones who can’t do this!”

#TMNT 2012 #raphael hamato #casey jones 2012 #is your bestie really your bestie if the first time you laid eyes on them it wasn’t immediately on sight #rasey #it’s not ship art but also I want it in my rasey tag so #I am having so much fun drawing in the canon style I am but god did I need to do something in my own style again #it’s like when you get made to wear a fitted dress and everyone tells you you look nice and it’s perfect #but you feel self conscious and constricted and it’s not something you’d ever wear #I love learning from studying the different styles but I also miss just editing the designs and going off model #altering the brushes and colours to suit a vibe #this is messy gritty wrong and imperfect but that’s what made it fun and easy and I’m so happy with this you can all bite me #also this is the return of flat ass Casey #Lou jitsu’s moral enemy and opposite lmao #I am so normal about Raph and Casey honest #I don’t constantly think about the way he slams Jones on the car bonnet #just a normal short chunky dude with his lanky toll bestie that happens to have the worlds flattest ass

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milkbreadtoast · 8 months

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"The perfect orv dub/Kim Dokja voice doesnt exis-"

EXPLAIN THIS!!!!! (@voiceactorken on youtube!!!)

#orv #omniscient reader's viewpoint #omniscient reader #전지적 독자 시점 #kim dokja #yu junghyeok #yoo joonghyuk #desperately trying to share this fandub w everyone i can so posting abt it here too #i even did a quick edit w the english panels so its easy to follow along #im only doing it for this vid only tho PLS CHECK THE REST OUT ON HIS CHANNEL #BUT ANYWAY THIS DOKJA VOICE IS TOOOO GOOD??? IM LITCHERALLY OBSESSED #like i feel like dokja is a chara thats hard to get just right #BUT THIS GUY.... HE IS DOKJA #LIKE... JUST WATCH IT IM SPEECHLESS #AND ALSO WATCH THE NEW YRS GREETING ONE ITS SOO CUTE #his voice and acting are both SOOOO perfect???#literally dropped to my knees in despair when i found out this was a fandub I WANT HIM TO BE OFFICIALLY CAST AS DOKJA SO BAD #THIS IS WAY TOO GOOD TO BE A FANDUB..... SOBS #yjh is amazing too but dokja is the real star of this fandub imo (and im yjh bias KDJSK)#like i could imagine other deep voiced pro VAs for yjh (eg jang minhyeok)#but this guy... i didnt picture dokja sounding like this but after hearing him i now i dont want anyone else😭😭#IM LIKE THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE ONE...#watch them cast some other pro VA as dokja and ill just be mourning bc it just doesnt hit the same as mr ken from youtube

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ringompreg · 13 days

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paul mccartney you're gay and that's final

for legal/ethical/moral/psychological/spiritual reasons this is a joke

#which could mean nothing. of course.#is this too long? yes. but i had like 10 other songs i mulled over adding so be grateful.#i might say fuck it and edit it and add them back in so dont bitch about it #anyway. yeah the title is a joke but i feel like an interesting story is told through some of these songs. i tried to only do songs im #convinced are at least partially about john. hence the waffling on other songs. there's a lot of songs that follow a similar theme but im #like. eh. dudes been married thrice and widowed who knows whats about who ykwim?#i could be convinced however. im easy like that.

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tsundcku · 8 months

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#ts4 render #sims 4 render #ts4 edit #my sims #simblr #sims community #back at it w the renders again #im also rly unsatified w my renders/edits these days😭#idk i wanna change the editing style im so bored of my current but idk whattt style i wanna do #and im struggling to even figure out what direction id like to take my blog in #i want a cohesive theme but i feel like i dont rly have one #its just so random lol #also pls ignore the terrible shadow issue around the lace #idk how to fix that #and i can't find any easy tutorials to follow😭#if anyone knows a fix tell me how. i'd love u forever lol

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imminent-danger-came · 7 months

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—Antigonick, tr. by Anne Carson

#omg. It's my emo SWK edit #I love making things only I want to see #I think leethee and wlw-wukong will also probably like this #so a grand total of 3 people #I am also very tempted to make a wellyboots edit for SWK and MK #Like OUGHGHG. WELLY BOOTS #anyways Wukong not at home with the dead nor with the living. you feel me *crying*#the strange new grave of immortality. *sobbing*#lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk SWK #lmk edit #my edits #anne carson #lmk is a little too easy to make edits for. Just cause every shot is so dynamic and interesting #it's so fun

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crownebula · 1 month

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seeing this sentiment where the trans people who are pushing transandrophobic beliefs are like.. just an internet thing. and "in real life trans people hold hands and kiss" and that this is a purely online issue to have. but like.. i've experienced that shit in real life?

i have been told some wild shit from trans people. i have been told things that are almost word for word the sentiments held by transandrophobes to my face in real life by people i know that are trans. by my friends. by my sister. sure. i wont deny that it can seem easy to think the folks people in the transandrophobia tag are like. arguing against. may seem like just chronically online weirdos that never appear in real life. but these people do have an effect that i at the very least am seeing in my personal life. and its really depressing to have to deal with.

#transandrophobia #transphobia #sorry if this is worded poorly give me some grace. im. really tired. in a lot of pain. might go back and do some edits if necessary #but. i think about this sometimes and figured i might as well make a post about it. why not.#but this is also partially why i feel like its so important that ppl that arent transmasc and believe in transandrophobia need to say so #and uplift these issues as well #because i think its easy to say it doesnt matter when its just this group of us saying “we are hurt by this. this is real.”#but if people from outside are ALSO saying that. like. idk. am i making sense here.#again. tired. im gonna go take a nap.

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itslarsyouguys · 4 months

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I have been so sad that I haven't written in a while that I'm about to just post my random snippets of bullshit that have zero connective tissue on AO3 and hope I get encouragement instead of criticism

#like I've never gotten many comments etc in general #but bg3 is a big fandom right now and I kinda feel like I want to get my Tavs and headcanons out there #its just not as good as I wish it was #and it comes from style not some easy edits #but I miss creating and getting my art out there not just living on my computer #I think at least my rarepair one would get seen by the tav rolan enjoyers #and maybe my tav astarion will get swallowed up by the amount of fic so it wont matter if its bad

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anotherpapercut · 8 months

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hi more drug question

I have been told many many times that using ecstasy will basically fry your seratonin receptors so that you will never be able to feel happy again unless you are using the drug. I am assuming now that this is false but I am curious now as to how false. Is it something that CAN happen if you take too much at once or too often, or is this just random Drug Scary misinformation

Also also since wellbutrin is not an SSRI does LSD work when you are on it or does it also cancel it out

lol that's kind of an extreme version of what I usually hear! you're right that basically the answer here is no. this comes from a couple different things. first is MDMA induced serotonin toxicity, and 2nd is something called "serotonin syndrome" which is a real thing that can happen, but it's really really hard to get like this. prepare for a very long answer lmfaooo

MDMA induced serotonin toxicity occurs when you take too high doses too frequently. MDMA IS slightly neurotoxic, but so are many prescription drugs so don't let that word freak you out too much! basically MDMA works by dumping large amounts of serotonin into your brain, hence why it's the happy/love drug lol. if you take too much too often, your brain will straight up run out of serotonin. obviously that's bad! it's not as simple as "never feeling happy again" but you will essentially have depression for a bit because of lack of serotonin (on its own, low serotonin levels following modest MDMA use is not damaging and resolves within a few days) but the real problem is that if you are on MDMA with depleted serotonin, your brain will continue releasing dopamine which will attach to the serotonin receptors and damage them. this is what can cause long term depression symptoms, the damaged serotonin receptors. ultimately your brain will heal this on its own unless for some reason I guess you keep taking it a lot (which would have no effect. when you take too much MDMA your brain just runs out of serotonin to dump so like. it just won't work lol)?? it can also be treated with the supplement NAC, which I would recommend taking any time you use MDMA because of this!

to sum up MDMA toxicity: it can happen but only if you're misusing it! it's generally recommended that you dont do much more than 1 dose every 3 months or so to make sure your brain has time to reset. research interactions with anything else you're using (prescription or not), take some NAC in the weeks following a dose, drink a lot of water, keep your body temperature regular because that can worsen it, and take some antioxidants like alpha lipoic acid and grape seed oil during/immediately after taking MDMA - it's when you come down that your brain is delicate and could use the protection. also this may sound counterintuitive but weed also has antioxidant properties, so smoking it as you come down helps a lot. also if you DO have MDMA toxicity taking more MDMA will not help u feel happy unfortunately it will just make it worse lol, your brain only has so much serotonin to give

now serotonin syndrome can happen with the misuse of any drug that works on serotonin including MAOIs, SSRIs, and SNRIs, usually by taking a VERY large dose (but some people are just extremely sensitive). it usually takes care of itself eventually, but the amount of time it takes and stuff is kinda hard to pin down bc it's REALLY misunderstood and tends to be overly self diagnosed. again this is like super super hard to do. you would have to take a MASSIVE dose or mix it with other serotonin affecting drugs (ESPECIALLY MAOIs. DO NOT MIX MDMA WITH MAOI ANTI DEPRESSANTS). like 5 times the normal dose at least probably (partner is currently trying to find some literature on it so he'll add that in the replies if he finds anything interesting). it will cause things like heightened anxiety and body temperature and can cause kidney problems or seizures if it's like really bad and untreated. but you'd feel REALLY bad before it got to that point, so in general like, if you take any type of drug and feel extremely bad after go to the doctor lol. mostly this will also just heal itself; your brain is pretty resilient! again usually if this does happen it's very minor. cases bad enough to require hospitalization are exceedingly rare

to give you an example of what these can look like, I have a friend who was given about 3-4 times a regular dose by a fucking piece of shit asshole she knows and, this part is crucial, it was mixed with a very large amount of alcohol AND acid (which can slightly increase the neurotoxicity. normally not a huge issue but becomes one in circumstances like this), AND coke; like she was blackout drunk and while not on a lot of acid or coke, this is just too many things to have in your body and brain at one time. the mixture of such a large amount different drugs caused her what I'm guessing was a mild case of both of these things at once. she experienced slightly worsened depression for about 6 months after, and actually had a mild stutter for almost a year. I made sure she took some NAC and other things that aid brain healing, and she didn't try molly again for a long time to be super sure she didn't overload her brain before it was ready. this is a pretty extreme case, and even with that she has fully recovered thankfully. do NOT EVER do drugs with someone you don't trust with your life. DO NOT EVER do drugs in doses you have not confirmed for yourself to be safe and DO NOT EVER mix drugs without finding out if it's safe!!! just as a small aside though: usually taking molly and acid at the same time is perfectly safe. in fact it's called a candy flip and I HIGHLY recommend it because it's fucking awesome. again, just make sure you are taking safe doses in a safe environment

OKAY now finally your specific question about Wellbutrin: I actually take Wellbutrin so I can answer this one from personal experience! Wellbutrin should not alter the effects of LSD in any way HOWEVER! both of these drugs lower your seizure threshold! I'm on the max dose of Wellbutrin (which is the max dose BECAUSE of seizure risk) so when I plan to drop acid I usually either skip my dose entirely that day or only take half depending on how much acid I'm planning to take. because of the way Wellbutrin works, this shouldn't cause you any problems as far as that goes. for me, not taking my Wellbutrin for a day mainly has the effect of making me more fatigued, and acid counteracts that really well by making me feel very awake/aware. if you don't want to skip or halve your dose though you can also take things that will RAISE your seizure threshold. so like I sometimes will smoke hemp because CBD actually will help with that. the risk here isn't huge either way especially if you have no history of seizures, but again if it's something you're concerned about you should be just fine skipping or lowering your dose for the day. acid usually lasts about 12 hours too so i personally don't even care about skipping the Wellbutrin that much because it basically does the same thing for me. I did take my full Wellbutrin dose the last couple times I've done acid though because I was taking a very small amount of acid (about half a tab)

in summation lol sort of TLDR I generally would recommend MDMA for recreational use because the risks of damage are low and it's safe if you are safe about it. and it's honestly just a really fun one! the only negative effect I've ever felt is some emotional and physical fatigue the following day, and this is largely because of how emotional and energetic you are on it. I just make sure to have the next day off to lay around and listen to music :)

taking it with a partner or loved one will give you an especially beautiful experience, as MDMA has been proven to facilitate extremely open emotional conversations. in fact, when MDMA was first synthesized it's primary use was in psychotherapy! research was shut down during the war on drugs, but in recent studies it's demonstrated amazing abilities to treat and even straight up CURE disorders like PTSD. for a personal anecdote, my partner actually completely fucking cured his alcoholism on a combo of MDMA and whippets (nitrous oxide) lmfao. like dude straight up went from getting black out drunk multiple nights a week to drinking nothing for the past year and a half without any other treatment program. LSD has been proven to have similar incredible results with treating and curing things like depression, anxiety, PTSD and addiction and is also a very fun and very safe one.

sorry to reiterate for the billionth time lol but it's important: these drugs are safe and fun if you make sure they're safe and fun! do your research and never use in an unfamiliar environment with people you wouldn't trust in an emergency! also I know this sounds like a lot, but remember I'm giving you like the absolute safest possible practices and emphasizing sort of over cautiousness because I think it's always better to be too safe. I've taken molly without nac and I've taken kinda big doses a little closer together than I should have without any problems. there's a bit of flexibility to these guidelines, but it's always better to think of them as being rigid so you don't end up too far in the other direction. like I've said it's really really hard to do actual damage that would last more than like a day or 2 max. most of the time you'll just be sleepy the next day from all the dancing so it's nice to do it on a day 1 of a weekend. also it only lasts like a couple of hours lol so it's not your whole day or anything!

#sorry this took me like a fucking hour i kept having to check myself w my partner + google to make sure i wasnt talking out of my ass lmfao #im sure ill be rereading and editing it for the next hour as well #damn just spent like another half hour #hope this is thorough enough for ya ajdbsjhdkshdkshs #on a tangentially related note: ive been weaning myself off of my SNRI (venlafaxine/effexor) bc it didnt help at all #and made my nails extremely brittle ????? like so bad they were constantly breaking to the quick and making me bleed #so pretty soon ill be able to do acid and molly again. sweet blessed molly how ive missed you #cant believe i forgot to mention this but as another personal mdma anecdote: my partner and i started dating while candy flipping #hed been staying at my house for like 4 months at that point but we hadnt really talked about like. relationship definitions #and I was EXTREMELY nervous bc id never even like kissed someone fr before him #but the acid and ESPECIALLY the molly made talking about our feelings with each other really easy and safe feeling #we do it every once in a while as like a poor mans couples therapy lmfao. its much easier to be open and honest and vulnerable #while crucially taking down the defensive wall that can cause you to lash out and stuff #highly recommend 👍#wtiting a book called the couple that rolls together stays together. its about doing molly but also skateboarding #drug ed #i cant stop adding to this post im sorry

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peskyfirefly · 2 years

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dedicated to @upperranktwo <3

#demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #knyedit #manga coloring #my edit #SKY IS SO SWEET AND ENCOURAGING AND JUST AN ABSOLUTE JOY!!!#everyone should follow her blog bc her energy is so lovely #this is for u !!!!!! i hope u like it !!!!!!!!!!#and i hope u feel better soon. take it easy and look after urself! <333333 #tusersky #useradrienne

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gamebunny-advance · 1 month

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youtube

Vs. DJ Subatomic Supernova (Base Version) | Heaven Studio Custom Remix

(WARNING: FLASHING LIGHTS) “This remix will ripple to the rims of the universe and back! Try not to get sucked into its mesmerizing cacophony! Listen closely for the audio cues.” --------------------- This is my first remix in Heaven Studio, but it's essentially ported from my original mix from the Rhythm Heaven Remix Editor. I think it's decent for my first mix. I'd like to eventually port over all of my old RHRE mixes into this editor, but it'll probably be a while until I can (or until Heaven Studio updates with the games I need to remake those mixes). (Download)

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mokeonn · 6 months

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So I heard that Tumblr is slowly being abandoned (they seem to be laying off a majority of their staff and keeping a skeleton crew) and we might be nearing the end of this webbed site. I don't think it's currently worth panicking over, but I'm definitely going to start making that neocities website.

I'll make a post soon about other places where you can find me. Unfortunately, I've spent quite some time these last couple years getting rid of a majority of my social media because most platforms were bad for my mental health. I do not plan on going back to these platforms, so if tumblr goes down, I'm going to be only on non social media.

Maybe if one of the new social medias being created, actually take off (like bluesky or pillowfort or whatever else these days) I might join, but if not I might be entirely on personal websites, patreon (I will start posting regularly like a blog and make more free posts), some old websites I deleted but not because I hated them (such as ko-fi, which I deleted due to inactivity) and possibly furaffinity. I'm still on the fence about furaffinity. I might also finally start using my toyhouse but that is an oc sharing website and not much of an art sharing website.

I really do hope Tumblr doesn't go down, this is my one social media and if it does go down I am going to lose nearly all of my audience. I can make do by creating a personal blog and using whatever I have left in terms of "can post my art there and people can find me", and it won't discourage me from making my personal projects. I can make do, and I will make do, but I don't really want to make do.

Anyways, that's all I have to say right now, I'll make a post later once I set up some alternative sites to find me at, but for now I want to give the heads up that if I'm gone, you're not gonna find me on twitter, Instagram, or whatever third option there is. I'm likely going to just make do, be offline more, and likely just become active on the discord servers I'm on.

#simon says #long post #i think #it looks long on mobile #anyways there it is #I'm gonna have to start learning html #im also really sad that i hate making videos so much because I probably would just go on youtube #but I know from experience that I am not becoming a youtuber entirely because I fucking hate making videos that much #i get tempted quite often to become a nice little art youtuber or go into a niche art video subcategory #personally fight against the things I hate about youtube by not doing those things #but I just hate video making too much to do that #i do NOT like my voice enough to edit it #i might consider live streaming again since I used to live stream but also hnng nah im not sure #I prefer live streaming to video making because I hate making scripted videos and I love the live aspect of streaming #but also do I really WANT to stream again or do I just want an audience from a platform where it's very easy to build an audience?#that one is gonna be up in the air for a while tbh #streaming is currently in 'im not sure how i feel about it' limbo and it may never leave #if I do decide to start live streaming again you will hear about it on my sick ass personal blog I have to code #because I'll probably unravel those mixed feeling and come to a decision likely long after tumblr disappears lmaoooo #edit:#also I would rather eat my arm off than ever go back to tiktok so rule that one out forever

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