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#so i have decided that instead of making plans to sleep at 11:30 im just gonna do all my work and then spend an hour writing even if it kil
thebigqueer · 3 years
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i have decided that sleep is irrelevant
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pianorexic000 · 3 years
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Sweetspo Saturday
Hi y’all, so today is sweetspo Saturday.......
it speaks for itself. By the way, none of these are mine. I take no credit I have 0 creativity.
I dream of collarbones and thigh gaps, of hips jutting out and ribs just visible, casting shadows on porcelain flesh. I dream of crop tops and denim shorts, of thigh highs and sugar highs. And when I lay in bed at night, counting the calories of the day before my mind can’t help but wander, and I press into my doughy stomach, feel the hips hiding underneath, and remind myself how far I’ve come, and how far I still have to go.
Please listen, I know, I know it’s hard but listen, focus, you, you the most beautiful person on this whole entire planet you are going to make it, I promise you sweetheart, you’re going to make it. Think about it, think about how skinny you’ll be, how happy you will be, how you are going to be able to wear what you want, how you are going to be able to eat what you want and no one is going to make you feel bad for eating, no one. They’re going to be jealous, so fucking jealous, jealous of how you look and how you feel. They’re going to envy you. So stand up, keep your pretty head up and go. Exercise, drink water, eat less, eat healthy, sleep, do yoga, dance around. Get skinny and be finally happy. Please be finally happy.
You’ve been so disappointed in yourself lately. You’ve cursed those girls with a fast metabolism and regretted so much, sweetie. Countless of times you’ve thought, planned and wished to be skinny. I know you want this so badly, honey. But it’s never going to be given to you, sugar. You have to work for it and make yourself proud! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و
I know you’re very impatient with your weight-loss. You want to lose it NOW and would do anything to wake up tomorrow at you ugw. But that’s never going to happen, doll. It’ll take time, but you will get there, sweetie. You just have to be persistent and never give up. The road is very long, and there will be days where it’ll feel hopeless, angel. But i promise you that those days where you feel incredibly sexy and comfortable in your own skin are just around the corner. You’ll get there baby, but it’ll take time. So don’t beat yourself up.
You’ll look good in everything; you remember that bikini with the cute print? yes, you’ll look beautiful in it. you won’t look like a fat pig.
people will be jealous; they’ll envy you. you’ll become thinner while others are getting fatter.
you’ll be dainty; you’ll be the lightest in the room. everyone will be able to pick you up effortlessly.
others will compliment you; people will look at you and say “wow, have you lost weight?” “you look great!” “i wish i looked like you.”
you won’t be able to keep more than a cup of food down; you’ve trained your body, you and your body both know its limits.
you’ll have power; you can can control how you look, you’ll have control. self control instead of eating everything in sight. you’ll be proud when you refuse a chocolate bar someone is offering.
are you going to keep saying “i’ll do it tomorrow”
or are you going to start today?
you’ll get there sweetie, make them regret the day they dare call you fat; they’ll start talking GOOD behind your back; “she is losing so much weight omg” “ i wanna look like her.” “im so jealous of her tiny waist.”
make it happen, you cause the gain of weight
and the loss of weight.
It's Okay!
You were really bad this weekend weren’t you? You ate fatty food and cheated on your diet? I know you bash yourself for pushing yourself further from your goal, but it was just Easter and you were enjoying spending time with your family. Unfortunately that included eating. Thin is all you think about cutie, why would you stuff your face uncontrollably like that, sugar? You can’t stop now, i know it’s hard but it’ll be worth it in the end.
Meanspo
Dear You,
You’ve grown up being the “big” girl. You’ve grown up being the “I want seconds” girl. You entered college being the “let’s eat out because it’s easier” girl.
When will you be the “I eat healthy” girl? The “people can pick me up” girl? The “I love my body” girl?
Today? Oh, right, you say tomorrow. Funny, that’s what you said yesterday.
It’s YOUR fault you’re fat. You don’t control your fatty urges to binge and stuff your face. One day, you’ll regret that. And that day is TODAY. If you regret it, then make a change. Skip that meal. Eat less calories. Exercise and burn what you have consumed and stored from your past pathetic eating habits. Get rid of your fatty urges. BECOME SKINNY…Become beautiful. Because if you don’t start today, you’ll only hate yourself tomorrow… again.
Do it. Do it so you can wear cute short shorts without everyone looking at your thighs and being disgusted.
Do it for that bitch who always called you fat at middle school.
Do it for that fuckboy who never looked at you as girlfriend potencial.
Do it so you can be confident.No seriously you’ll never be confident with that big tummy dude.
Do it so you don't ALMOST DIE in fitting rooms.
Do it for the cute clothes.
Do it for the summer.
Do it for the pool parties and how all of your friends will be SHOOK at your perfect body.
Do it for that life little baby. You deserve it. You deserve so much happiness.
Imagine you’re sitting at your desk in your perfectly decorated bedroom. You’re doing school work (all A’s of course), and since the lighting is good, you stop studying for a second and take a selfie.
You notice your collarbones are perfectly peaking out, and your chest bones are slightly visible. You have no makeup on but you still look absolutely gorgeous. Your flawless skin (that you got from not eating junk food all the time) looks great on your camera. Your thin arms look especially toned in this picture, and your smile is unforgettable.
You decide to post it to Instagram, and it instantly gets likes and comments saying how gorgeous you look. You want to keep studying…but the amount of likes and attention is distracting!
You think to yourself “Amazing how my life has changed. 30lbs ago I barely got 30 likes. My grades were bad and I had horrible acne…it’s so great what being thin can do to a person”
One day I won’t have to suck in
One day I’ll sit down and not have belly rolls
One day my thighs won’t touch
One day I’ll be able to see my ribs
One day I’ll step on the scale and smile
One day I’ll be able to smile at my protruding collar bones
One day I’ll wear the clothes I want
One day I’ll be confident
One day I’ll be skinny
do it for the boy who leaves your snapchats at read. imagine how quickly he’ll reply when he sees how good you look in your new body. do it for the girls you envy, the girls who show up in crop tops and short shorts whilst you hide behind a baggy sweater. imagine how proud you’ll feel when you can finally wear what you want and look just as good, if not better than them. do it for the people who bullied you about your weight and the boys who turned you down because of it. watch them gawk and whisper among themselves at how much weight you’ve lost. do it for the mean girls, the ones that walk around school like they own the place, the ones who’s parties you never get invited to, the ones that all the boys want. prove yourself to them. soon they’ll notice you and you’ll be too proud to care. own your new found confidence, throw your own parties, feel wanted. do it for the boy you’ve been crushing on since the first time you met. make him want you just as you wanted him. laugh at yourself as he chases after you. watch him suffer just as you did. do it for the bikini you’ve never had the body to wear. make your old self proud. wear that bikini. finally feel good in it. go to the beach and the pool and show it off. it belongs on you. do it for yourself. do it for your own happiness and do it right now. you deserve this. it might take some time and maybe you’re growing impatient. but it’s okay, everything good takes time. so be safe, stay strong, and don’t give up. this will be worth the wait. trust me.
I literally cannot fucking wait until I’m thin. I can’t wait to not feel like the outsider in my friend group. I can’t wait to not feel like the ugly friend. I can’t wait to be as thin as my best friend and for people to not see me as a charity case. I can’t wait to be able to go shopping and not worry about what will hide my fat. I can’t wait to see my collarbones and feel great in shorts. I can’t wait to be able to post selfies confidently from any angle and get as many likes as all the thin girls from school. I can’t wait to be someone else’s thinspo. I can’t wait to be happy with myself. I can’t wait to be thin.
Okie lovey, I know you might have had a rough couple of days or maybe you’ve been doing everything right and you just need a little pick me up. That’s okay too. I’m here for you, maybe not there physically but I’m still here. Make some tea, and take a bath; while you’re in there light a few candles and take time for yourself. Paint your nails read a book or simply think about bettering yourself. You’re almost there, I’m so excited for you! I’m going to be there when you cross that finish line (UGW). Finished with tea? Are you hungry? No. Exactly, chin up sweetheart, you got this. I love you
10 Reasons I want to be Thin
1. A flat stomach looks so good in anything. 2. No more armpit fat. 3. Finally have a thigh gap (again). 4. Feel beautiful and in control 5. people you already know will ask you how you did it, new people you meet will fall in love with you. 6. Go on adventures and have fun without worrying about your fat jiggling around. 7. Tan outside or at the lake without wanting to die because you’re too fat for a bikini. 8. Going out to parties and making friends because you’re confident and beautiful. 9. Not wanting to cry every time you see your full body in a mirror/ reflection. 10. Not crying in general anymore. Finally being happy.
11 Reasons Why I'm Doing This
1. To be the skinny friend
2. So I can be lifted up and be called light
3. To wear anything and still look cute
4. To have pretty bones to show off
5. To hear those words; ‘Have you lost weight?’
6. To not feel guilty when having a sweet treat (occasionally!)
7. To wear tight jeans and not have a muffin top
8. To not want to cry every time I look in the mirror
9. To not feel embarrassed in a bikini or swimsuit
10. To sit on someone’s lap without fear of crushing them
11. To finally feel happy with myself
They are in the kitchen making dinner. It smells so good, and all you want to do is have some. But would that make you happy? Would that food actually do anything for you? Sure, it would taste good. But as soon as you swallow, it would be gone. You’d take a drink of water, and the taste would wash away. Five minutes of fun, and then you’d be full. Full of food, regret, hate, shame, and disgust. Today would be yet another day wasted. So go ahead, eat the food. Be the fat tub of lard you always have been. Or don’t. Don’t eat the food. Be a day closer to your goal.
The choice is yours.
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detective-gum-chew · 3 years
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okay okay okay
i know this isnt an orginal idea by any means but roleswap!narumitsu is just so good
so youll have to indulge me because this lives in my head rent free and i want to write it down concretely somewhere (also this gets LONG so ill pop a cut in here)
alright so:
1. at least in my writing of it, this is also a no-dl6/gregory lives au. but as well at that, miles and phoenix didnt go to school together
2. this means that there was nobody to defend phoenix at the class trial (yes i know the money stolen was edgeworths but shhh lets pretend it was someone elses, kay?) this lead to phoenix becoming not only bitter, but somewhat obsessive over the idea of punishing people that do wrong
(if someone can find that quote where phoenix talks about how he could have become a prosecutor because of the trial i will give u a gentle kiss on the forehead) 
3. Edgeworth was raised by Gregory and ends up becoming a defense attorney
4. in this, Von Karma goes down and Franzy is adopted by Gregory, and she assists Miles in his cases. (she can still have a whip, as a treat.)
5. anyway with that set up, lets get into some cases
6. Larry gets accused of Cindys murder, Miles defends with Franzy
7. Lets say Mia was in the crowd of that trial and decided to contact miles, seeing as he appears to be another uncorrupt lawyer and asks him for his help in taking down Redd White
8. He agrees, and she sets a time for him to meet at her office so they can talk. Mia then calls her sister and updates her on how shes going to recruit another person (Redd White hears this)
9. Much like the original case, Mia gets murdered, but this time, Maya isnt here to be blamed. Instead, its Miles himself, as the name that White heard over the phone (so basically we’re speed running to the “defend yourself in court” part)
10. the prosecutor today is Phoenix Wright.
11. but before that lets go into some backstory actually. Phoenix had encountered Mia previously during the Terry Fawles case. He had respected her as a peer, if not for just her determination and deductive skills. (After all, he was young at the time and solely focused on punishing the wicked) After Diego’s poisoning, he had briefly reached out for condolences
12. but anyway, Phoenix had distantly respected Mia, and now that she was dead, he was going to be tough on whoever he thought murdered her.
13. Miles proves his innocence, although it takes some baiting to get Redd White out of his building and actually into court. 
14. Wright is... not pleased about this, but theres not much he can do. His displeasure for Mias murder has shifted, but theres a new displeasure for Miles, the man who could beat him in court. (”well well well, you managed to save your own skin. But you should hope you get as lucky as you did in your next case”)
15. Next case! We know Miles is a steel samurai fan, so even without Maya it takes very little convincing for him to take the case. (Fran is not as amused but trusts her brother... enough.. to follow his lead)
16. Case proceeds mostly as normal, with Phoenix requiring Dee to re-do her testimony (maybe something deep within him still itches to put the true bad guy away, even if its harder than the accused)
17. I dont think Phonix would deliver the unnecessary feelings line, although there definetely is that moment in the lobby where hes like “hm. maybe you arent a bad person, but that doesnt mean i have to like you.”
18. and now, now now now, we finally get to the part where i somehow managed to put the most thought into. (for context it is nearly 2 am when i am writing this)
19. sleep schedule aside, you couldnt have thought i would made this WITHOUT some good angst, so here we go. case four is similarly structured to the original, but with an extra side of Phoenix angst.
20. Miles wakes up to Franzy shaking him. She points to the television. the news is on, but the voices are drowned out by a distant ringing as he stares at the image on the screen.
Famed Prosecutor Phoenix Wright Arrested For Murder
21. it just doesnt make sense. So he gets out of bed and into the closest clothes he can find and out the door with his sister in tow. He sits in the cold detention room, thinking about the other side of the glass.
22. Phoenix Wright looks dull. He asks what they want. Miles says he wants an explanation. Wright sneers and asks why. For some reason, that pisses Miles off. He slams his badge to the glass and Wright looks surprised.
“Do you know what this is? It’s my attorneys badge.”
“the badge doesnt mean youre a good lawyer.”
“Well Mr Wright, its 2-0, so i dont think you have any right to say that.” Miles glares at him and Wright sits back in his seat. He watches Miles for a long time.
“If im going to defend you, you need to tell me what happened.“ Wrights eyebrows shoot up and Franziska squawks at his side
“What do you mean defend him!”
“What she said.”
Miles narrows his eyes at Wright as he ponders to himself the answer. Why is he doing it? the answer comes to him. 
“Because i dont believe you did it.”
For all his snark, Miles cant bring himself to believe that the man in front of him would kill someone. Theres something about him, either in his eyes or the way he carries himself that makes the idea itself preposterous. Wright looks at him for a long time after he says it.
“Very well.”
21. Miles doesnt seem him until court, but at least he testifies. The next person up, a red head by the name of Melissa Foster, gives a testimony that seems airtight.
22. that is, until he looks over at Phoenix, who is pale as he looks at the woman on the witness stand. Phoenix catches his eye, and very carefully, very slowly, mouths one name.
Dahlia Hawthorne
23. (I really wish i could continue with the more narrative parts of this but im honestly running out of steam and ill get to the point lol. Maybe ill finish it later.)
24. Terry Fawles dies on the stand. Diego Armando falls into a coma. Dahlia Hawthorne walks free. Even after what happened to Diego, Phoenix is convinced he can do better. He sets up a meeting with Dahlia.
25. Doug shows up, trying to persuade him away from it, saying he overheard Dahlia’s plan to kill Phoenix when she arrives. Phoenix is cocky, and the pair fight. Doug gets shoved into the powerline. Phoenix, thinking him dead, panics and runs.
26. Dahlia, having overheard, goes back and finishes him off, drops some poison into his mouth perhaps. With an accidental death with a cause so obvious, nobody bothers to run blood tests (until Miles)
27. Its years later, and Phoenix gets a note that tells him they know what really happened to Doug. Phoenix arrives to a meeting place to find a dead body. He picks up the vial of poison almost absently. 
28. After all, Dahlia had gotten rid of Diego and Mia was dead. Now all she had to do was get rid of Phoenix
29. It plays out similarly to case four, with Phoenix being absolved of the first murder, then confessing to the old one. Miles has gone through the work to save his life once, that he cant not do it again.
30. but happy endings (ish) for all, with Phoenix being freed, Dahlia imprisoned and Miles having a better understanding of both him and Phoenix.
31. maybe more happens but we’re at bullet point 31 so its time to stop for now lmao. uh but yeah! roleswap au..... brainrot really.
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anonymousbaev · 3 years
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RFA+Minor Trio Celebrating New Years Eve w/MC
I hope you enjoy it! It kind of sucks but it’s my first one...so pls bear with me! (づ。◕‿‿◕。)づ 
                                       ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  !!WARNING!! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
                     !!PROFANITY AND SLIGHT MENTION OF NSFW!!
☆Yoosung☆
☆Everyone agreed on staying more lowkey for this year’s New Years and decided to stay home instead of doing their traditional New Years Eve get together party. Especially with the pandemic... it would be safer to stay home...
☆ Yoosung and you didn’t mind as you’d get to stay home being all lovely and touchy with each other. You two planned to chill playing LOLOL till 10 PM and have a mini party with just the two of you and Lisa waiting for the big count down on TV with an enormous box of fried chicken.
☆ Yes, that was the plan until...Yoosung had to whine about wanting to play a few more rounds. You gave in to his adorable begs and played a couple more rounds.
  ☆ Looking up to check the time after playing what only felt like two rounds, your heart dropped. It had past 12, the countdown that had only come once every year has passed as you stayed playing games- something you could do anytime, any day. Yoosung doesn’t notice the darkened expression on your face and continues to blabber on about his new favorite equipment. Yoosung stop...
☆ He stops talking, as he takes off his headset when he notices your silence and follows your heartbroken gaze up to the clock. The longer needle directly pointing at the 12 and the smaller pointing at the 20. He gasps, unable to close his mouth before shaking his head back into reality. He carefully reaches out to your cold hands before begging for forgiveness, “Baby I’m so sorry- I had no idea...” He knew how much you had looked up to this New Years Eve- the first New Years Eve you would spend with him, the New Years Eve you had talked about for 3 days straight on how perfect you wanted it to be. 
☆ You let out a helpless sigh before holding his hand, “It’s fine, really” you smile as he brightens back up standing up to lean towards you. He pecks your lips before a smug grin appears on his face, “It’s not too late to celebrate now.” You flush red as he pulls you into a deep make out session before he screams, “YAY ITS 2021!!!!” What the fuck, just ruined the moment there Yoosung... ಠ益ಠ
☕️ Jaehee ☕️
☕️ The timer on your phone rings as you and Jaehee jump up from the couch in excitement and rush over to the oven where the cookies you two have baked spread the scent of chocolate around the house. When Jaehee looks away to get plates , hallucinated by the sweet smell you reach out to the oven without second thought . “MC!” Jaehee yelps as she grabs your wrist, an inch away from the flaming hot oven. 
☕️ Startled you back away, “I’m so sorry I don’t know what I was thinking.” you reply still surprised on what you were about to do. She ruffles your hair, pinching your cheeks as she laughs, “Why’re you apologizing? Let me see your hand.” she lets out a sigh of relief when your small soft hands are clean from any burns. She grabs her oven mittens and take out the fresh batch of cookies.
☕️ You follow her into the living room where you put in Zen’s special New Years musical DVD. Jaehee holds your hands together quickly placing a kiss on it before blushing and looking away. “Be careful next time, I don’t want you to get hurt...” you giggle as you laugh at her adorable bright red face before nodding in agreement. 
☕️ You both sit down waiting for the plate of cookies to cool down as you both fangirl over Zen, a duvet over the both of you cuddling. You whisper a suggestive and gentle, “Happy New Years” before Jaehee places a quick peck on your cheek as she immediately looks away after, embarrassed. You giggle gently shifting her to look at you as you place a kiss on your adorable Baehee. ♥‿♥
🎤 Zen 🎤
🎤 You rub your eyes sitting up to see that you’ve been sleeping like a mess diagonally, thankfully though, the bed was a king sized and you were fairly petite so it didn’t really matter. Except, Zen was no where to be found on the bed. You brush it off as Zen was always an early riser. You head to the bathroom connected to the bedroom to freshen up. After brushing your teeth and hair, you wash your face. Looking at the mirror you blush, you’re wearing Zen shirt, only 3 buttons barely holding together from exposing your body. But you don’t remember putting it on after yesterdays interesting events with Zen so he must’ve dressed you when you were sleeping...
🎤 You get dressed in a comfy sweater dress because you know Zen will avoid you all day trying to contain the beast if you go out in his button up shirt. You close the bedroom door to be astonished when you look up to see the decorated living room. Lettered balloons writing out “Happy New Years”, confetti all over the apartments wide living room with Zen coming out of the corner with a party hat on his head. He kisses your forehead, “Jagiya good afternoon!~”
🎤 Something overwhelms you as happy tears swell in your eyes, Zen is flustered as he rushes to put down the plate of fruits in his hands and pulls you into his arms. “Thank you so much. I must’ve saved the world in my past life to deserve you...” He laughs as he brings your face closer into his lean build. You hug him for ten minutes straight and ask with a baffled expression, “But wait what time is it exactly? Good afternoon?!” He scratches the back of his neck wondering if he should really tell you, “3...PM...”
🎤 You stagger back before screeching, “THREE PM?”  He lifts your chin up to see your eyes, “To be fair I did keep you up all night.” your face turns red as you refuse to answer him. He scoffs before guiding you to the couch, “It doesn’t matter that you woke up super late. It actually gave me more time to decorate. Now let’s celebrate our first New Years Eve together babe~” He was right, and you didn’t really care that you woke up at three in the afternoon, just a little guilty he had to set this up all by himself. But either way you were super thrilled and touched that he’d taken so much time and effort to make your first New Years Eve with him the best. You kiss him thank you once again as he gets flustered, stumbling away to contain the beast.
🎤 Bonus: It took Zen 30 minutes trying to dress you in his shirt. One minute trying to dress you, another minute looking away with a flustered face as he apologizes to god. Back and forth, and barely manages to dress you...✌♫♪˙‿˙♫♪✌
♛Jumin ♛ 
♛ Let’s pretend the covid doesn’t exist here...You explain to Jumin about how excited you were for the first New Years Eve with him and you only. He doesn’t really see the point of celebrating New Years Eve. However regardless of what he thinks, he books a private jet so he can bring you to see the big countdown in New York. He’s just thrilled to see you so excited for something and is willing to do anything to make the day as perfect as you wish it to be.
♛ You’re SO-SO- surprised when he wakes you up five in the morning, telling you to get up and dressed for the private jet waiting for them outside. You haven’t known about this AT ALL! Either way you didn’t want to waste his money so you and Jumin fly to New York City first thing in the morning, barely keeping yourself awake.
♛ After spending the entire day eating delicious food, visiting intriguing landmarks, and relaxing at the luxury hotel suite it was finally around 11 pm when the countdown was soon gonna start. He makes sure you’re in warm clothing as he wraps a scarf around your neck. He holds your waist to keep you close to him as your eyes twinkle on the big screen of the countdown. He quietly laughs as he watches you without you noticing him. The entire crowd begins to countdown when the clock is at 10 seconds. You countdown along with the crowd as Jumin just watches you as he thinks you’re adorable. 
♛ “10!, 9!, 8!, 7!, 6!, 5!, 4!, 3!, 2!, 1!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!” You pull on his tie and stand on your tippy toes to peck him on the lips. You blush as you brightly smile at him and look away quickly after. He stands still startled at first before he gently pulls your arm and leans in for a warm French kiss. Before you know it you’re on live TV on a channel as a camera records the both of you. 
♛ When you go back home a couple days later, the RFA can’t stop making fun of the two of you, you’re embarrassed and hides from all of them for the next couple days while Jumin is just proud he had showed you off. (n˘v˘•)¬
👓 Saeyoung 👓
👓 You’re upset to wake up, Saeyoung not next to you on the bed. He’d probably stayed up working again...even if he was piled with work he’d always make time for you except for the past 3 days. You understood as you assumed work had become incredibly overwhelming this time. Although, you’re a little upset because you were hoping to celebrate New Years with him. You put a long fluffy cardigan over your strapped night gown. You freshen up in the bathroom before heading out to the living room. It was chilly in the house, worried for Saeyoung you go down into the basement where you find to see the door is locked. You bang on the door, “Saeyoung?” 
👓 He seems to be awake already, his voice sounds like he is genuinely surprised as he says “I’ll be there in a bit!” He opens the door blocking your view from the room. You frown crossing your arms below your bosom before bursting into giggles when you see his worried expression. “Come on Sae, what’re you hiding? Let me see!” you try to jump up in attempt to get a glance but he’s too tall. “Just a bit later!” he laughs as he bops his finger gently on your nose. You jokingly act pissed before muttering fine. Suddenly Saeran comes from behind Saeyoung screaming, “ARGGG IM SO DONE!” he shoves his way through Saeyoung and heads upstairs. You take the chance to steal a glance, you see balloons everywhere, everything themed galaxy. But before your eyes explore more Saeyoung hugs you as he buries your face into his red shirt. You can feel his abs through the thin cloth.
👓 “Woahh!! C'mon let’s go up babe” he continues to walk up as you both struggle to waddle up the stairs still hugging. He suddenly picks you up like a princess and places you back on the bed. “Promise me you won’t come down until I’m done with...something?” you sigh before breaking into a smile, “Fine.” He pecks your cheeks thanks before heading down again.  
👓 You chill watching TV with ice cream on the couch with Saeran. You flood Saeran with questions like ‘Can you pretty please give me hints?’ ‘What were you doing down there?’ ‘Did you guys stay up all night?’ When he ignores everything you say you pout and quietly watch the TV again. 
👓 Later, it’s already night and Saeyoung finally runs up the stairs to hug you in his warmth. He pecks you on the lips and blushes as he says, “Sorry I made you wait long.” You pretend to wonder either to forgive him or not before saying, “Depends, let me see what you did first.” you smile as he immediately picks you up in his arms. He whispers in a seductive voice, “Don’t open your eyes until I say so.” You nod and smile nervously. Saeran follows you both into the basement.
👓 You feel your bum on something extremely soft as he whispers, “Open your eyes.” You slightly flutter your eyelashes as you peak up and around the room. In front of you is a big screening of the galaxy. Everything is magical and astonishing, you can’t take your eyes off of it all. Then you gasp, Saeyoung kneels down in front you neatly in a suit with his glasses hanging on the pocket of his shirt. He takes a quick cute little breath before saying...”Will you marry me?”
👓 You burst into tears as you can’t stop crying. You take a moment to take deep breaths so you can talk. You nod furiously, “Of course!!!” He smiles brightly, his bright pearl teeth showing as he brings you into a hug before kissing you with tongue. You hear Saeran whisper ew in the background but you also can see a slight grin on his face. New Years Eve celebration? Psshh, you didn’t need that. You were so thrilled your heart couldn’t stop pounding. You loved this man in front of your eyes so dearly. He stayed up 4 days straight to prepare such a wonderful proposal for you. You held onto him so tightly for dear life as if he would disappear if you didn’t. You wipe his tears of joy before he wipes yours. You would never forget about this day...♪ ♬ ヾ(´︶`♡)ノ ♬ ♪
👓BONUS: MY OWN HEADCANON MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH SAEYOUNG EVEN MORE...Vanderwood is dead on the floor after Saeyoung forced him to help him with no sleep for 4 days straight凸(¬‿¬)
🌚 Saeran 🌚
🌚 It was 8 pm, New Years Eve you were explaining all the fun things you and Saeran could do but Saeran rather seemed indifferent as he slumped back in his chair, drumming with his fingers on the table. You frown at his rather uninterested replies, you had even dressed in a white ruffle nightdress despite it being unbelievably uncomfortable.
🌚 You’re slightly disappointed but you also don’t want to show him you’re upset not wanting to force him into doing stuff he doesn’t want to do. You gently whisper, “It’s fine if you don’t want to do anything. I’ll be in bed.” you don’t see his surprised expression when you walk into your shared bedroom with him. 
🌚 He walks into the room as you put down your phone. You were watching memes. He sits down on the side of the bed as you lean your head against his shoulder. He stutters nervous to say, “Um... so shit, how do I say this. I wasn’t trying to be indifferent I was just nervous...because I have something for you. Sorry...” Your eyes light up and you smile so brightly you can’t even hide it- you don’t even make an attempt to hide it. 
🌚 You startle him when you immediately don’t hesitate to jump on his muscular back, wrapping yourself on him. “Well? Bring me to this little surprise of yours!”  you giggle as he scoffs and holds your legs to secure you. He stands up to bring you up to the rooftop?
🌚 You notice to see a telescope as you gasp in amusement. “Wow...” you don’t hesitate to run over and peak your eyes through the telescope and watch the stars before you pull Saeran as you both fit your eyes through the big glass. You laugh pointing out all the interesting and astonishing stars. “Thank you” you mutter still amazed. He takes off his coat and places it over your thin nightgown as he attempts to snuggle into your chest but he’s too tall. 
🌚You eventually fall asleep on the bench on the rooftop so Saeran carries you back into bed where he falls asleep next to you. ★~(◡‿⊙✿)
♧ Jihyun ♧
♧ You feel someone petting your head on the table when Jihyun takes his hand away flustered as soon as you wake up. He clears his throat and pretends to read his book attempting to keep his composure. You smile gently pulling his arm to kiss him on his lips. “Sorry I fell asleep while reading.” you blush as you fiddle with his sleeve. “Why are you apologizing? No worries.” He smiles, tucking a strand of your hair behind. 
♧ You and V didn’t care for New Years Eve at all. You both just spent the day just like any other day, loving each other without missing out a single second. You then come up with an idea, “You haven’t gone out for a long time! Let’s go out to the greenhouse!” He laughs as he gently ruffles your hair, it’s almost ticklish at out lightly he’s doing it afraid to hurt you. “If that’s what you want to do.” You help him grab his cane as he opens the backdoor. 
♧ You can immediately smell the scent of fresh flowers, each one you and Jihyun have planted personally together. He did most of all the work. He holds your waist and carries his cane with the other hand. He doesn’t really have to use it because he’s already so familiar with the garden. You lean your head against his strong and tall build before crouching down by a pot. “Wow look we planted this last week! It already has a sprout!” you help his finger gently touch it as he smiles. “I’m going to go get the watering can, wait here!” he nods as you search for the watering can before whimpering in pain at your finger that has slashed against a piece of broken glass. He rushes over to you so quickly he is able to immediately find you with his hands and pull you into his arms. “What happened? Are you okay darling?” 
♧ “I’m okay. I almost tripped that’s all.” he can smell your blood and holds onto your hand before feeling a streak of blood. “Where are you hurt really?” You blush embarrassed from your failed attempt of hiding your pain. “I cut my finger but I’m okay.” He holds your waist as he guides you back into the house, sitting you down. He takes a quick breather before he smiles, “I’m scared because you always try to hide your pain from me.” 
♧ “That’s not true! I just didn’t want you to...worry.” He bandages up your finger, pulling you into a hug “But we said we wouldn’t keep anything from each other. However, there’s something I have also kept from you...” You look up curious and kind of nervous awaiting his next words. “I’m going to get surgery for my eye.” 
♧ You’re so surprised, you knew he didn’t want it at first, so why so suddenly? You caresses his cheeks, “Because I’m so damn clumsy, and you can keep your eyes on me?” he nods as you frown, crossing your arms with a small “hmph” he must’ve heard you because he didn’t hesitate to apologize, “Ah sorry, I was joking...” You’re so startled, why was this man so kind? You giggle, “I was joking as well.” he rests his head on your lap “Actually I want to get this surgery because I  want to be here for you, and I know I can do more of that when I get my sight back. Are you okay with this?” He’s so damn surprised when you fall to the floor next to him and slightly sit on your knees to kiss him. “Of course! I’ll support you no matter what.” he’s touched by your words and pulls you into another kiss. ★~(◡ω◡✿)
🧸 Vanderwood 🧸 
🧸 He’s a teddy bear just because “So why’re we doing this...” Vanderwood faces down in shame as you scoot him over to sit next to him and turn on the Boogle meet. “What do you mean ‘why are we doing this’ silly. This is a safe and great way to interact with other people during quarantine!” You turn on your camera and mute your mic as you enter the room. Jaehee and Jumin are the only ones on so far, Jaehee with her camera facing the roof of her kitchen and Jumin’s camera in his neat apartment as he sits with Elizabeth the 3rd like a statue. Nobody really wants to be here except for you and Seven but they all agree to because you desperately want to and they all give in to you.
🧸 “Hi Juju! Hi Jaehee!” Jumin is taking aback as he quickly says, “I have told you not to call me that-...” he sighs as if saying ‘whatever’ when you pretend to be sad. He forgets to mute his mic afterwards but his house is extremely quiet and he doesn’t talk so it doesn’t really matter.  “Hello MC. I’d like to say this was rather quite an intelligent idea.” 
🧸 “Aw thanks Jaehee!” Jaehee also forgets to mute her mic afterwards, these two Boogle idiots. Soon after everyone begins to join and you introduce them to your boyfriend Vanderwood. Everything is utter chaos and you can’t help but regret this. Saeyoung even hacks the meeting at one point making everyone sound like demons. When Yoosung is drunk and begins to rant about V being here, you decide to leave. You look next to you, Vanderwood has left the chat his soul looks like it’s escaped his body.
🧸 “Thanks for doing this, I know you hate interacting with other people.” you peck him on the lips as his face flushes red. “It was okay...at least it was through a screen...”
🧸 “Still...I’ll make it up to you.” You kiss him as you push him down on the sofa until you’re interrupted with “MC! NO! ALL MEN ARE WOLVES!” You realize in fact that you’ve not left the meeting, flustered you immediately click ‘End Call’ You and Vanderwood awkwardly refuse to look at each other before he leads you to continue what you were doing. (●´ω`●)
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whata-basic-witch · 2 years
Text
CW: abusive ex, disordered eating, mental health
Typical day as a depressed single mom and business owner with disordered eating:
5:30-6 am: wake up, take meds and skinnyfit snack attack. Weigh in. Track progress. Let dog out to potty. Weigh in again bc maybe it was wrong before?? Lol
6am: coffee and cigarettes
6:30am try not to think about food. More coffee and cigarettes. Find thinspo and fitspo and altspo
7: wake up oldest for school, argue over shower and the need for a coat since it’s cold and he rises his bike to school. Wake up youngest, change diaper, dress her, do her hair really cute, get sippy cup of milk and her morning iPad time. Try not to think about food. More coffee and cigarettes bc now I’m hungry
8am: kiss my oldest before he leaves for school. Pray I can heal before my daughter realizes I have disordered eating. Take out trash. Argue with my autistic daughter over picking up toys, give up and decide to live in absolute toy chaos instead. More coffee and cigarettes and some alone time on the front porch for 3 minutes. Text my best friends good morning wishing them a happy fulfilling day even though I’m struggling.
9am: work time. Melt wax, pour candles. Make soap. Light incense and candles on my altar. Organize my business plan and finances. Order supplies. Check shipping on supplies ordered. Metamucil shot and more snack attack. Coffee and cigarette, business notes/call with associate. Argue with narcissistic abusive ex over visitation with kids, screenshot abusive messages, email lawyer. Therapy with BetterHelp
10am: finally my autistic toddler wants breakfast or meal replacement shake. She doesn’t like food textures. Try and figure out what she needs since she’s nonverbal with speech impediment. Try to calm my anxiety with more cigarettes and coffee.
11-1pm: nap time for my sweet baby girl. Take a minute to breathe. House chores. More work. More coffee. More cigarettes. Eat celery bc im so hungry and snack attack isnt enough anymore.
1-6pm: oldest returns from school. Chores and then vid games. Finish work and clean up. Think about dinner. Ex shows up to visit kids. Listen to him explain how bingeing isn’t disordered eating and I’m just chubby from having kids. Cry inside. Let the hate boil just below the surface. Make dinner. Feed kids and ungrateful ex. Avoid dinner with water coffee and cigarettes. Clean up put away food while fighting temptation knowing that I should eat something. Nibble on green beans, log calories while ex tries to tempt me with cannabis knowing it triggers a huge binge and that I’ll just purge later.
7-8pm: bath time, bed time. Ex finally leaves.
9pm: finally I can relax with my water, cigarettes and bojack Horseman on Netflix. Cuddle with my dog/bestie. Take meds and snack attack and vitamins. Fight the urge to binge/purge.
10pm: try to sleep.
Wake up and it repeats all over again
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horansqueen · 4 years
Text
You & Me : chapter 37
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A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA
Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS
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CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36
NOTES:
-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.
READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE
- notes: idk how i feel about this chapter. but hey i always doubt myself so whats new? its a bit packed maybe? lol thank you if you still read this story ILY! also i REALLY want more requests so send as many as you want!
if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)
requests! : read the chapter first, the requests are at the bottom because they contain spoilers!
TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE
Chapter 37 : His chapter
NIALL
April 11th, 2018
We had decided to fly to Paris as soon as Olivia got her weeks off. The filming was going better than planned and she was allowed to take a few more days than we had expected. I only had one show in Paris and the very next day, I had to be in Germany but I knew she'd prefer to stay in France with her parents for a while. We hadn't discussed when she would join me but I still hoped it wouldn't take too long.
The flight was long and I had brought only the strict minimum, leaving the rest to my crew after asking them to bring everything. I would join them there and I hoped Liv would come with me to my show. I had even kept a few tickets for her parents if they were interested but I had to admit it was making me nervous to see them after so long.
I turned to look at her around the middle of the flight and she probably noticed because she turned her head my way and sent me a small smile. I reached out for her hand and she let me take it, even squeezing my fingers as her head leaned on my shoulder. I knew she was tired and I was surprised she wasn't sleeping by now even if it was a pain in the ass to sleep on a plane.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked in a low tone, the left corner of her lips raising up as her eyes scanned me. "Do I have something on my face?"
"No."
Her lips curled more and her eyebrows raised. "Okay, what's up then?"
"You're pretty." I just replied, half-closing my eyes and sending her a fond smile. "I sort of want you right now."
Her eyes moved around quickly before meeting mine again. "I think people would notice.” She chuckled and I smiled more, moving closer to be able to whisper.
"How about I join you in the bathroom in a few minutes?" I asked before moving slightly away and sending her a small smirk.
My eyes dropped to her lips and she licked them, making me groan low. She was not answering but I couldn't take my eyes off her lips. Just thinking about where they've been and realizing it had been way too long since I had felt them around my cock. Of course, I didn't expect a blowjob on a plane, if only because the bathrooms were always very tiny, but I could definitely fuck her quick and fast.
"Did you ever do that before?" she asked low, taking me out of my daydream. I looked up in her eyes and shook my head, making her raise her eyebrows. "Liar."
I chuckled. "I promise. I never did." I insisted. "But I'd love it if it changed today."
She looked around nervously again and finally nodded. "Okay. You cough and then knock once. I'll unlock the door."
Quickly, she got up and walked past me and I let my eyes follow her until she was out of sight. I waited a few minutes, shaking my leg slightly and when I finally got up too, I walked slowly to the bathroom and coughed before knocking once. I saw the notice on the door changing and quickly walked in, closing the door and locking it. It was hard not to be pressed on each other in the small room but we still had some space between us. She remained motionless, her head tilted and her lips pressed together as she smiled at me. I could see excitement in her eyes and I loved it.
"You know we could actually get banned from this airline if we get caught." she whispered, making me smile more.
"Let's not get caught then." I just pointed out as she nodded.
Her hands slipped under my shirt and I felt her fingers rub on my chest and brush on my nipples before moving back down and reaching my pants. She unzipped them quickly and searched for my dick before taking it out. I thought she'd be stressed and a bit scared and that I'd have to do everything but clearly, she had decided otherwise and I liked it. There was something very hot about her deciding to be more forward when it came to sex. I normally preferred to have control but when she would get horny and almost jump on me, it always made me want her even more.
"I didn't think it would be like that." she murmured, staring in my eyes, as her hand stroked my cock slowly, from the base to the tip.
"What do you mean?" I asked just as low, realizing it was tough to focus on her words instead of her hand, or the way her lips moved when she talked.
"I didn't think we'd always be so horny for each other. It's not like it's new."
My lips curled and I shrugged. "It sort of is." I just replied, bending down to reach her lips with mine. "Don't stop, use both hands."
She smiled against my lips and I felt her other hand push on my pants and boxers a bit before she grabbed my balls. I groaned low against her mouth before both her hands handed on my dick, pressing around it as she jerked me off a bit quicker. I could feel my cock get harder with every stroke and even if I didn't want her to stop, I knew we had to do quick.
"Move those damn sweatpants down, petal." I whispered against her lips again, making her chuckle.
"I know I should have dressed up but honestly, I hate being uncomfortable on a plane." she explained before grabbing my upper lip between hers and sucking on it gently. "At least they're easy to take off?"
I smiled more and chuckled, shaking my head slightly. "Sweatpants look good on you." I admitted. "And yes, they're easy to take off." I just added, pulling her sweatpants down and making her smile more. "Show me your tits."
She shook her head and rolled her eyes before moving her shirt off. I groaned when I realized she was not wearing a bra and my hands reached for her breasts as I ran my thumbs on her nipples, feeling them get hard against my fingers.
"These damn bathrooms aren't made for people like me." she grimaced, leaning against the wall behind her. "They should make them bigger."
"But I love having you close to me." I argued, raising my eyebrows with a small smile before making a quick head movement.
She nibbled on her bottom lip but moved one of her feet on the toilet and quickly, I reached between her legs, groaning when I slipped a finger inside her.
"How are you so wet already?"
"I touched myself while waiting for you." she admitted as my head moved up fast to meet her eyes. 
She smiled and chuckled at my facial expression and I just shook my head before crashing my mouth against hers. I started finger fucking her and rubbing her clit gently but she just squirmed and I just brought my hand to my cock, stroking it with her wetness before moving closer, putting it against her thigh. I brought her other leg back down and she moved a bit again as I pulled back slightly and then pushed myself close to her again. I could feel her thighs press on each side of my dick and her warm pussy wetting the top of it and it was driving me insane. I moved back and forth for about a minute as let her fingers grip my hair and she smiled as her eyes roamed on my face.
"I want to feel you inside me so bad." she whispered, making me smile, too.
I grabbed one of her legs quickly, moving it up, and used my other hand to hold my cock as I pushed it slowly against her walls. Her hands gripped my hair tighter as I slid inside her and I saw her eyes flutter close and her lips part. I remained still for a while as I panted, feeling her throb around my dick and knowing it could literally make me cum in only a few seconds.
"No cunt like yours, I fucking swear." I breathed out with a groan.
I closed my eyes and felt her lips brush against mine before I started fucking her, bringing my thumb to her clit, rubbing it in motion with my thrusts. It took her about two minutes to moan louder against my mouth and I kissed her deeply as she shook against me. I waited until her body relaxed and moved slightly away, sending her a smirk. I grabbed my cock as it slipped out of her and she blinked a few times.
"Move your panties up."
Her eyes got bigger and she licked her lips as I jerked myself, my eyes still looking into hers. Quickly, she grabbed her panties and moved them up but held the top to allow me to see her pussy. I brought my hand to her face and moved a lock of her hair behind her ear as I shook my head slightly.
"Holy-, you turn me on so much."
I let my fingertips brush against her cheek, my movements on my dick faltering, and I felt her hand wrap on half of mine and my cock. She started stroking me harder in motion with my own movements and it took only a few seconds for me to feel an orgasm reach me. It was the way her fingers pressed against mine and the way she bit her bottom lip, looking at me through her eyelashes as if she still wanted me even if she had already came. She let go of me and I looked down, aiming at her panties. My cum fell on her pussy and in her panties as I stared at it. I watched my semen slide down her pussy to fall in her panties and let out a low curse word. That was a fucking nice way to own her.
Her hand reached for my cock and she kept nibbling on her bottom lip as she pressed her fingers around it until the tip to milk me and make sure she didn't miss a drop. The lock of her hair had fallen back in front of her eyes and I desperately wanted to kiss her more.
"Fuck, pet, move your panties up, now."
I didn't have to ask her twice. I could see dark spots on her panties and I knew that was exactly were my cum was. She brought her hand over them and rubbed herself a few times, letting out a whimper. She pressed her lips together to stop herself from being louder and when I saw her move her sweatpants up, I put my cock back in my pants and stared at her for a few seconds.
"I'm getting out first." she whispered and we switched place and she just opened the door and looked around for a second before leaving quickly.
I remained standing there for about a minute, motionless and a bit in shock of what had just happened and when I finally sat back next to her, she cuddled me as best as she could and reached for my hand. She moved her face and kissed my jaw as I squeezed her hand tight.
"That was hot." she whispered as I turned my head to look down at her. "I can't stop thinking about your cum in my panties."
Her words made my body throb and I brought my lips to hers, kissing them gently.
"Welcome to the mile high club." I murmured with a smile. "I'm glad we joined it together."
                                                       ---
April 16th, 2018
Living at her parents' wasn't worse than living at my mom's, although I had to admit that I would rather be alone with her, simply because I knew we didn't have much time left together 24/7. I couldn't deny though that seeing her talking french and laughing with her parents made me smile. I knew she didn't see them much, just like I barely saw mine, and being there with them made her happy, which was pretty much all I cared about.
Before we got there, I was wondering what she'd tell her parents. Now that our friends knew and my mom did too (knowing her, she had probably told my dad and my brother by now), I was unsure if she wanted to tell her parents that we were together or not but she had surprised me by taking my hand in hers and kissing my lips gently from time to time. Of course, they had seen me a few weeks before when she had talked to them on skype and we had interacted, but I was not really sure what she had told them before I got back home and I was pretty sure I remembered her mom telling her something in french. That being said, it was not my place to decide and I just went along with what she said and did. Knowing she was not hiding us to them was a big step though, I believed, and the fact that we were more and more open with the people around us gave me hope that we would be official soon.
I loved the way she moved around their house like she was used to be there even if she barely visited. I loved the way her eyes scanned everywhere she could whenever we'd go outside, whether it was grocery shopping or just to take a walk. I loved the way she'd close her eyes and inhale deeply, as if this city was hers and she had missed it. I know she lived a few years here before she moved to Ireland, but how much could a 6 years old remember a city or even a country?
It took me a few days to think about it and watch her being so free, happy and in love but on the sunny afternoon of april 16th, I told her I wanted to get some pastries and left after borrowing her father's car. I was starting to be used to the town, even if Olivia's parents lived in a suburb (or 'arrondissement'), but I drove until the city to get what I needed. I had checked online and I could have easily ordered it, but I wanted to see it first and make sure everything was perfect.
The jewelry store was big but seemed quite empty. The walls were a pure shade of white and the classical music playing was soft enough to be soothing. I knew what I wanted and it took me half an hour to get everything in order but I literally stared at the ring in silence for half that time. It was a big move, I knew it, and I didn't necessarily wanted to make this official, or a big deal. I just wanted it to be a sign of commitment and love, nothing more. No pressure and no promise, except for the one to love her forever, no matter what. I had hesitated and at first, I had thought a necklace would be more appropriate. A small golden heart or something like that could have made the trick, and I knew it would make her happy, but at the same time, it would have seemed like I didn't really want to throw myself in this relationship. It would seem like I just wanted to test the water first, and honestly, that's not what I had in mind. We had a few random discussions about marriage and every time I mentioned it, she didn't seem scared, and didn't try to change the subject. Perhaps I got the wrong vibe, but at the same time, I felt like I could read her like an open book. I felt like I knew her better now than I did back then, even if we had spent over a year apart.
Yes, it was probably crazy to buy a promise ring for a girl I had broken the heart of over a year ago, and expecting her to just say yes and jump in my arms, but after the pregnancy scare we had had a few days before, I felt like this was the right thing to do. It was crazy how seeing only one bar on the test had made me sad and relieved at the same time. I was not ready for a baby, but I wanted a family with her. I wanted to marry her and give ever everything she ever wanted or would ever want. Perhaps I would have ended up in a jewelry store if she had been pregnant, too, but it would have seemed forced, and I didn't want her to believe that I wanted to marry her just because I didn't have any other choice. In fact, we both had many choices, but it was this one I made, and I was going to stick to it.
I thanked the seller and put the box in the pocket of my vest before leaving. On my way back, I stopped at a cafe to get pasties and coffee and when I heard my name, I felt my heart jump in my chest.
"Niall?"
A british accent didn't go unnoticed and I frowned, looking around myself until I saw a familiar face that I hadn't seen in two years or so.
"Maya?"
I smiled and raised my eyebrows, walking to her and kissing her cheeks. She was stunning and her smile was so big it made mine grow too.
"It's been so long, how have you been?" I asked, pushing my hands in my pockets. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, a photoshoot, but it's my day off." she explained, tilting her head on the side before moving her shoulders up. "What about you?"
"I'm uhm, visiting." I said, a bit uncomfortable and not knowing what I could say or not. I sighed and just shook my head. "I'm with Olivia. We're visiting her parents."
Maya nodded, not losing her smile, and she licked her lips. "Yea I saw you two dated and then broke up. Are you two together again?" I stared at her in silence for a few seconds and she nodded again. "You must really love her, huh?"
This time, I sent her a fond smile and glanced down at the floor before looking up and breathing in. "Yes." I confessed with a nod before Maya took a step closer, putting her hand gently on my upper arm.
"I hope it works, then." she told me sincerely. "And invite me to the wedding!"
I frowned and chuckled, feeling my heartbeats accelerate. The last thing I needed was for that information to leak and I started wondering how the hell she found out when she just shrugged.
"I mean, whenever that happens. You two will get married at some point, right?"
I felt all the stress leave and my body relaxed just as my lips curled again. "Yes, of course." I just let out. "I mean, probably, I guess."
Maya laughed and it made me chuckle too. "Go back to her, I'm sure she misses you already."
I raised my eyebrows and chuckled, knowing she was probably right and after we said goodbye, I ordered, got my food and left. It was not surprising to me that Olivia's face seemed to illuminate when I walked back inside and she ran to me, wrapping her arms around my neck as both my hands were taken by coffees and a box of croissants. She kissed my lips and I closed my eyes, answering the small kiss gently, knowing that her parents were most likely watching us.
After we ate, I wanted to help with the dishes but they wouldn't let me and I joined her father in one of the rooms in the back. He was looking for something in the drawers and I just put my hands in my pockets. I knew he had noticed me, but I was not sure if I should talk, or what I should say. He used to really love me, and I was wondering if it was still the case, or if he disliked me, now.
"You two are back together." her father told me with the biggest accent before I nodded. "Good. You were always my favorite. Don't tell her."
I laughed and shook my head as he glanced at me and sent me an amused smile. "Thank you. I've hurt her though, I'll never forgive myself for that."
"Use that feeling to remember that you can't hurt her ever again." he added, grabbing something in the last drawer and moving back up. "Or I'm gonna have to hate you. Father's duty."
I nodded and smiled. "I promise." my smile fell and I cleared my throat, playing and twisting the fabric inside my pockets. "What would you say if..." I stopped myself and licked my lips. He turned to me and at the point, I had all his attention. "What would you say if I asked her to marry me?"
He stared at me a few seconds and sighed, turning his whole body my way and he took a step closer. He was tall, way taller than me, and his light eyes reminded me of hers, but unlike Olivia, he had severe traits. He had broad shoulders and although he had salt and pepper hair, he didn't look his age. I've always thought he was a funny man, but I knew he was strict, too, and when I was younger, I used to think he was a bit scary, but not anymore. Her mother was very different. She was short with a round face, pretty much like hers, and when I thought about it, they were very look alike. Both her parents were smiling all the time, though, and they were always welcoming, that much I could never forget.
"Is it serious?"
My eyes roamed on his face and I sighed, my hands still in my pockets, before I finally nodded. Instead to answer, he just handed me an envelop and it made me frown.
"This is hers. This is all the letters she wrote to you when you went on tour." he explained as my grip tightened on the paper. "It's hers, and I don't think she ever intended on giving them to you, and I found them in the garbage bin one day and decided to keep them. You should give them back to her. I want to say you should read them but I'm really against invasion of privacy. I didn't read them either."
"Does that mean you would be okay with us getting married?" I asked with a frown, feeling the envelop burning my palm.
"It means that as long as she's happy, then so am I." he just said. "It also means that you shouldn't ask me if I'm okay with it. If she finds out, she'll kill you."
I laughed and nodded. "I can count on you for keeping this secret?"
"Of course, son." he let out, putting his hand on my shoulder and making me chuckle low at the nickname.
"Son-in-law."
It was his turn to laugh and when we heard my name being called from the kitchen, we both looked in that direction and I shrugged, sending him a small smile before going to join Liv. She was staring at her phone and she grimaced, looking up in my eyes.
"I don't know how bad it is but," she shrugged and handed me her phone. "You tell me. You're the famous one."
I chucked but grabbed her phone to read as the title popped up in caps. 'Together again?' With the article, there was a picture of me at the airport and they mentioned my earring before adding a picture of Olivia who was now wearing only one earring, identical to mine. Of course it made sense since she was the one who gave it to me but was this really a proof of anything? At the bottom, there was a picture of us together at the fair and I smiled a bit when I saw she was holding the bear I had won for her and they had used it as an other proof that we could be dating again. This article didn't mean shit but I couldn't say they were wrong. Something was in fact happening between us.
"Do you want me to take off your earring?" I asked, looking up at her.
"No! God no, they can fuck right off with their stupid article!" she quickly let out, making an amused smile appear on my lips. "Does what they wrote bother you?"
"Does it bother you?" I threw the question back at her, raising my eyebrows.
She looked down at her phone and nibbled on her bottom lip for a few seconds before shrugging. "Yes because that's none of their business. But not because people may know we're together."
"We're good, then." I just shrugged, taking a step closer and wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her closer. "They're just running out of things to write about, so they have to write crappy articles like that. The good thing is, that picture of you is very nice."
She grimaced and I laugh. "It's horrible. They always snap those when I look at my worst."
"Lies." I whispered, bending down slightly to kiss her lips. "By the way, I kept a few tickets for my show, for you and your parents. You'll be there, right?"
She shrugged a shoulder and stared in my eyes. "I don't know, won't it just fuel the rumors?"
My eyes roamed on her face and I leaned my forehead against hers before whispering.
"I don't give a fuck."
REQUESTS
(for the first one, i promise theyll talk about it soon!)
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op-peccatori · 4 years
Text
a little gift | MLQC Lucien (nsfw)
Happy Birthday, Lucien! a tad later than planned, but here’s the promised birthday sex from my invitation XD Let me know what you think!
Fandom: Mr Love: Queen’s Choice
Pairing: Reader/Lucien
Rating: 18+ 
Wordcount: 5200
Summary: It’s Lucien’s birthday and you’ve got a wonderful trip planned for him  – along with an extra gift he isn’t expecting.
Warnings: explicit sex (vaginal & anal), mild masturbation, birthday sex, sex toys, established relationship
author fact: I spent so much time sitting in one place as I wrote this that my butt too, was aching by the end of it. this is the first time I’ve ever written anything involving butts, so please let me know if it’s...right?
a/n: im gonna have to come edit this once i get some sleep. i forgot how to spell laugh. 
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A bite of cake and a sip of wine, with a familiar warmth nestled into his side: Lucien is dangerously content. 
Not for the first time, he thinks he will never give this up for anything in the world. He could never let go of the little surges of happiness brought on by the girl holding a forkful of cake up to his lips, and not the deep love flowing in his veins, keeping him alive. 
The second photo album you've ever given him rests beside the cake. The second roll. A collection of your memories. 
He can’t help the way he sneaks a kiss, helpless against your smiles, the way they curve your lips up even as they’re pressed to his. It makes him shudder when he feels your tongue flick against his lip, to tempt and to taste. He’s glad for the booth they’re hidden away in, that gives them enough privacy for him to lose himself for a moment. He lets the greed slip past, eager to take whatever you give it. Before the time comes when you might not get a chance.
He suppresses the heartache at the thought. There's no telling what the future holds. Danger still lurks in shadowed corners, and it's taught him fear. Not for himself, but for the one who holds his very being in her hands.
“You had some frosting there,” you murmur when you pull away, smile coy and eyes bright, fingers tracing a gentle path along his thigh. Never stepping a foot over the line, just toying with it. He wants to step over it with you, to fall over it, to fall into bed and wherever else you can and to taste you, the sweetest dessert, his lovely girl who just wants to give him a special birthday.
And you will, once you go away tomorrow, for the weekend. He remembers the way your face fell when he told you he has important meetings he can’t skip on the day of his birthday; it was subtle, but there is nothing he can miss when it comes to you. You both had to be content with brunch for today, as he would only get home at a late hour. 
“Is it going to be a tiring day for you?” you had asked, concern hiding a hint of something he can't quite identify. It would be just like you to wait up, to give him a goodnight kiss – you do it often since you haven’t had much time to yourselves for weeks. 
“Well, no. I’ll have to sit through a few meetings, review some of my colleagues’ work, but nothing too exhausting,” he had assured you. You haven’t mentioned anything about meeting him when he comes back, but he’s always had endless patience for you and your adorable tricks. He watches you as you eat carefully measured bites of cake, eyes lingering on the way you lick your lips, satisfied with the sugar and his company. He has never felt more thankful for birthdays when you let him feed you small bites with little protest and an endearing blush. It makes him think, makes him want to test boundaries. But he refuses to risk hurting you for the sake of his depraved curiosity. The time to part ways arrives all too soon, and your smile dims a little; for a moment, he seriously considers quitting his job.
“I can barely wait till tomorrow,” you mumble, arms would tight around his waist and forehead pressed into his chest. You stand outside the restaurant, packed cake in hand, waiting for the bus after you declined his offer to drop you home. He nuzzles the crown of your head, breathing in the faint scent of your favourite shampoo, closing his eyes in the face of your affection. “I want you all to myself.” 
Your words feel warm on his skin. “Me neither, darling. And you will. What time is the flight?” 
“8 am,” you answer, and again he senses something...off. Perhaps it’s the prospect of having to get up at 6 in the morning? You're not much of an early bird unless you're coaxed out of bed by the scent of breakfast. He still remembers the first time he stayed over vividly, and not just because of how soundly he slept next to you. You had to get up earlier than usual, for a meeting, and any ideas he'd had about a chirpy morning bird were shattered by the sight of your grumpy expression. It's a memory he likes to revisit when he's feeling dull; he had slipped into unexpected laughter, and you threw a pillow at him. Then he cuddled you until all thoughts of rage-texting Victor faded.
“Want me to come wake you up?” he asks after the brief jaunt down memory lane. He doesn’t bother trying to sound innocent; they both know if he wakes you up, it’ll be with his head between your legs. No danger of a grumpy ___ then. 
“...I’d like that,” you agree readily, smiling up at him. "I'm sure I'll need it. I've been so tired these days..." There's little sign of the shy desire that usually clouds your eyes when he suggests something so improper in public, even though he keeps his voice low. He would be hurt, but instead, there’s a shiver of anticipation running along his spine as you brush your lips against his, dancing away when he leans in. "Happy Birthday, Lu."
Just what is his little butterfly up to? 
The question sits in the back of his mind throughout the day, through each file he reads and every person presenting their research. He doesn’t exactly know where you’re taking him, but he has a few guesses, as you had insisted on packing not only his warmer jackets and thicker shoes, but also his swimming trunks. His thoughts race through ideas, drifting back to last month when he accidentally saw you scrolling through a cute little lingerie website.
'Oh.'
As he flips through the photos you took such care to preserve, he thinks that it's okay that he sees through most of your surprises. It doesn't lessen the delight they bring. He's eager to see what you picked out, what could have caught your fancy, and he hopes he gets to see it tomorrow. 
It will take him some time to admit it, but he didn’t expect what he really found waiting for him in his apartment. 
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You look down at your collection, of new and old, with excitement curling along your mouth and a glass of water in hand. There’s some regret, for eating cake so early in the day when you have plans, but it's not like you could have skipped Lucien's birthday cake. Or even cake in general. You resisted where you could, and you think it'll be fine. You take a moment to fantasize about the sinful dessert sitting in your refrigerator before you get to work. It's 4:00 pm, which gives you plenty of time to work, but there's much to be done. 
You're trying really hard to refrain from calling Lucien. Your boyfriend's been getting melancholic again, and you've come up with just the thing to distract him on his birthday.
You shower thoroughly, shave your legs with care, scanning them in the mirror to make sure you haven't missed a spot, applying sweet-scented lotion liberally across the skin. Painful flashbacks of the Brazilian you got for today have you wincing, but you've been determined to live up to the image you painted in your head. Willow, who'd gone to get one too, treated you to ice-cream afterwards, saying it's a must after the first one. After some deliberation, you paint your nails a pearly white and decide to take a nap before you get to blow-drying your hair.
It's 6:00 by the time you scramble out of bed, fixing yourself a light dinner and texting Lucien to make sure he's eaten.
[6:03] Lu: Don't worry. Professor Collins ordered enough for the building. I suspect he feels some guilt for calling me in today.
[6:04] Y/n: I knew there was a reason I liked him! Btw, what time do you think you'll be home?
[6:06] Lu: I'll try to make it home by 12. Don't worry, I'll get up on time ;)
Mouth pursing at the reminder of his horrendous sleeping habits, you go back to your soup with a restless heart. The clock's ticking, and you're quick to finish washing the dishes, finish some last minute packing, and when there's no chore left to do, you head for your bedroom. You connect your phone to the Bluetooth speaker, settling on an upbeat song while you plug in the hairdryer. As you divide your hair into sections, you're nearly giddy with excitement. As far as you could observe, Lucien has no idea what you've got planned, and you're quite proud to have slipped this past him.
You put the device down once each strand of hair is smooth and shiny, warm to the touch. And then you undress, until you're completely bare, running your fingers over lace, giddiness giving way to trepidation. 
You're thankful there's a video on the website because there's no way you could've put on the set by yourself. 
As you tighten the garter belts around your thighs and adjust the lace collar, peering at your reflection in the mirror as you put on simple pearl studs, you decide that it's fine that it's not the most comfortable thing you've ever worn, because you look really good. And you think Lucien will like it. Especially the very convenient holes in the cloth. 
You don’t bother to put on much makeup, keeping it simple with waterproof mascara and lip balm.
You wrap yourself in a simple robe as you hurry to the living room, picking out a pair of black handcuffs, a toy you've only used a few times, all in preparation for today, and a bottle of lube. You put them in a bag along with a towel, a pack of wet wipes and grab your phone. It's 11:30, and you have a text from Lucien saying that he'll be done soon. You put on your flats and exit your apartment quickly, letting it shut behind you as you run over to his front door, tapping in his security code with ease. Before you enter, you pull out a thick white ribbon from your bag, tying it around the handle of the door.
As you slip off your shoes, you realize it's quite strange to be in Lucien's apartment without him there. The lights are off, the curtains drawn to keep the moonlight out. In the past, he's left you dozing in his bed if he has to go to work earlier, but you've never entered the place in his absence. There's no time to ponder the peculiarities of the situation, and you head to his bedroom, your steps timid as if to avoid waking up something slumbering in the shadows.
As you open the door, you peek through the slight crack even though you know he isn't home, stepping in once you're sure it's empty and letting the door close behind you with a click. You're more than familiar with his home, but something in you shies away from invading his privacy. If he knew you were thinking this after several months of dating, he would call you a silly. And get you to stay over more often.
With a resolute nod, you move towards the bed, turning on the lamp next to it. You take out the towel first, spreading it out over his clean sheets and taking a seat on it. You pull up a pillow behind you as you lean back against the headboard, slipping your robe off and folding it, putting it in the bag. You take out your tools, spreading them out in front of you, unsure how to go about this.
The scent of him is subtle, but it's very much present. It soothes your nerves, and the thought of his reaction to your presence gives you strength as you relax your shoulders. You close your eyes, resting them and your mind for a moment, acknowledging the nervousness. Whatever he might be expecting, it's certainly not this, and you can't hold back a smile at that. 
You enjoy catching him off-guard. 
Your fingers brush lightly over the side of your neck, across your collarbone, through the valley of your breasts, thinking about the way he likes to explore your skin with his mouth. As you toy with your breasts, you think about how he likes to start slow, never rushing, always taking his time to draw your pleasure out. He's the biggest tease you've ever met, and you can barely keep up with the games he likes to play, but it's always worth it – he ensures it. He likes to draw out your pleasure, to take it for himself, more and more until you beg for respite.
As you begin circling your clit lightly, you think about the time you tried to wake him up and it resulted in you positioned over him, riding his face as he devoured every drop of pleasure you had in you. How tightly he'd held on to your thighs, refusing to let you move away as he ate you out with only greed and gluttony driving his mouth. When your fingers are glistening and your cheeks are flushed, you leave it there and move to the next step. 
Sitting up, you reach for the bottle of lube, pouring it generously, making sure your index finger is coated well before you turn your focus to the entrance above your sex. You’re on your back now, the soft cotton of the pillow warm from your body heat; your knees are pushed up, your arm reaching down between them. The slight trepidation you had felt the first time, at the feel of your finger dipping into the tightness is all but gone now, leaving behind slightly shaky confidence.
This is something Lucien has wanted to try for a while, but he hasn’t been too direct about it. He’s never gone beyond sliding in a finger, usually, while he’s fucking you, and you decided introducing it on this special day would be perfect. It was a good idea to try it on your own first, to see if it's something you would like, and ease into it. Still, you know Lucien's going to be at least a little difficult about it since you've kept this from him for nearly a month.
You're liberal with the lube as you prepare yourself, adding another finger once you’ve adjusted to the first and you slide them in and out steadily, pressing where it feels pleasing. The flash of your phone distracts you, and you rise onto one elbow to see it's a text from Lucien.
[11:35] Lu: I'll be home in 30 :) 
'He's being strangely cooperative,' you think absently. Once you’ve deemed yourself ready, you pluck out a wet wipe, wiping your hands carefully before reaching for the sleek toy and the bottle of lube. You coat it thoroughly before circling the tip around your entrance, then pushing it in slightly. You try to remain patient as you slide it in slowly, being gentle with your body, letting your tight heat adjust to the plug. 
You have about ten minutes by the time you’ve pushed it in as far as it can go, it’s round ring nestled between your cheeks; you lie there for a minute, breathing heavily, your walls clenching and fluttering. But you're satisfied with the familiarity of it, confident that your idea will be executed smoothly. Your walk to the bathroom is slow, and as you wash your hands you pray he doesn’t get here before you position yourself. Hurrying back into the room, you put everything except for the lube and the handcuffs back in the bag, leaving the bottle on the side table along with your phone once you’ve switched it off, hoping that Lucien will think you're asleep, in case he calls.
And then you try to figure out how he should find you.
This, like everything else, took a lot of thought. Initially, you thought you could just lounge on your front, letting him think you're asleep. But, now is not the time to be lazy. This is the time to make your boyfriend snap and bury himself inside you so deeply he forgets everything else, if just for today. And, preferably, the next three days.
And so you crawl onto the bed, letting your head and chest rest on the firm surface, leaving your rear in the air, presented with absolutely no subtlety. You struggle a little with the handcuffs, but manage to get them on safely, without pulling any muscles. Your arms are stretched over your head, it feels ridiculous, and you’re still giggling into the sheets when you hear the front door open. 
‘The things I do for love.’
You try not to squirm when the bedroom door doesn’t fly open immediately. Knowing the man, he’s probably scanning his living room. Taking his sweet time, knowing you’re in here waiting for him. 
‘This position is very uncomfortable when Lucien’s not there to distract me,’ you muse to yourself, trying to adjust your head comfortably. As if on cue, the door opens. 
You don’t even try to look at him. It won’t be possible, and it’ll only happen when he wants it to - you’ve ensured that by leaving the key on the table. Your heartbeat quickens as you strain your ears, jolting when you hear the door shut. Your back tenses as you pick up on the subtle sounds of him breathing, of light footsteps, of cloth rustling. You wonder what he thinks of the ring standing out between your cheeks, framed by delicate lace, and hope you don’t have to wait too long to find out. 
The bed dips as he takes a seat, and your heart races like a mouse, cornered and trapped, waiting for the cat's paw to fall on it. And then he speaks.
“I have to admit, I was quite disappointed when I didn’t see you outside,” he says casually. The hoarseness in his voice belies his nonchalant attitude, as does the way he clears his throat. You can hear the smile in his tone. You’re thankful he can’t see your face because you’re certain your wide grin would look out of place right now. 
“Are you still disappointed?” Your words are nearly a whisper, hushed and eager. You know he hears them when they prompt him to plant quick kisses across the plump flesh of your rear, a finger trailing across the ring keeping your plug from slipping in. 
“Darling,” he begins, his hands sweeping over your body, feeling the flimsy cloth, tugging at the garter. His touch is delicate, not meant to arouse, but you shiver from it anyway. “I don’t think I could be further from disappointment if I tried. But…”
His hand dips down between your legs, fingers pressing into your slit. You bite back a whimper, surprised that you’re this sensitive. He seems to realise it too, pushing the slender digits in, meeting little to no resistance. Your walls squeeze down, palpitating around it, and you push back immediately. 
“...but, I think I could do with a cup of tea, first. You don’t mind, do you? It was a long day.” A kiss on the back of your head and he’s gone, walking out of the room to get his tea, whistling obnoxiously. You're left staring at pristine sheets, unable to process his abrupt departure and your absolute helplessness in the face of it.
“Lucien!” you cry out, heart beating desperately. There's no space for shame here. “Lucien, please!” There’s no response. But you didn’t expect this to be easy in the first place. “Fuck.” 
And it doesn’t get better. Lucien walks in with a cup of his favourite, steaming beverage, and just stands there at the foot of the bed, sipping it and making casual remarks like he's in a museum. 
“I have to say, you’ve done a wonderful job. Did you buy this set for today?” He toys with the lace on your waist and the straps digging into your skin, his hand sliding up your back as he walks around to stand next to the bed. He, very pointedly, doesn’t mention the new toy. 
You lift your head slightly, tilting it enough to get a good look at him before you nod.  He’s in a skintight turtleneck, slim fit pants, but the dark of his clothes can’t compare to the one in his eyes. The ribbon you left at his door lies next to you. You don't miss the slight bulge at his crotch. He smiles at the sight of your teary eyes, glaring up at him even as you tremble. 
“I guess you don’t like your surprise,” you mumble, trying to fight the pout forming on your lips. The curve of his lips fades as he blinks in surprise before sitting down next to you. 
“Sweetheart, no,” he coos, placing his empty cup on the table. He leans in to kiss you on the cheek. “This is...I don’t think I have the words to describe what I felt when I walked in to see you spread out for me.” 
“Was it good?” you ask softly, trying not to sound smug. You know it was good. You look like you're begging to be fucked – which you are. He chuckles at the cockiness slipping through cracks of faux sincerity. 
“I don’t know how to describe it,” he repeats. He strokes your hair gently, pulling it away from your face. “Shall I show you instead?” 
“Yes. Please.” 
He moves towards the foot of the bed until he kneels behind you, facing your ass, his warm palms a soothing balm to your starved flesh. He caresses your skin gently, squeezing it a few times before you feel his breath on your sex.  The first swipe of his tongue feels like it could ruin you, and the feeling only increases as he continues to lick into you. 
“You’ve got yourself all wet for me, haven’t you? You’re such a good girl.” The first snack of his palm against your ass is unexpected; the second stings terribly and the third painfully welcome. After the seventh one, he pauses to press his mouth to your swollen entrance again, and you’re so wet you can hear the sound of him lapping at you. “But my good girl has been keeping secrets.” 
“I-I wanted to surprise you!” you protest, arching your back further, trying to urge him to move faster. He hums against your slick flesh, his mouth enveloping your swollen clit a second later. It only takes a few sucking motions for you to come with quaking walls and limbs, sobbing in relief at the surprising show of mercy. 
“I know you did. You’ve worked so hard to give me this,” he murmurs, curling a finger around the ring resting between cheeks that flaming red. And then you cry out again when the slender object is pulled out halfway before it’s slid back in, in repetitive, curious motions. “You’re so good to me.” 
“Fuck, Lu-Lucien,” you gasp, struggling for breath. He stills at the sound of his name, a displeased sound leaving his lips. 
“While I adore the view, I do think you’re too uncomfortable like this,” he decides, reaching for the key to your freedom. A part of you suspects he just hates not being able to see your face as he makes you come. You nearly collapse once your hands are freed, and Lucien is quick to gather you in his arms and lay you out on your back.
As your arms slowly reawaken, you put them to good use, pulling him over you to press up into him, nipping at his jaw until he gives in to your silent demand and kisses you deeply. He doesn’t pull away, slipping a questing tongue through your lips, tangling a hand through your hair to keep you there as he plunders your mouth without restraint. He kisses you until you’re putty in his hands, and he whispers his affection into your ears. 
“Please fuck me, Lu,” you plead, just the way he likes it. You place his hand on your breast, arching into his touch; you're deeply aware of the extra addition in your body, pushing against your walls, keeping your feet dipped in a pool of pleasure when you want to drown in it. “Please. It’s all I’ve been thinking about all day.” 
He inhales sharply at your words and moves away to undress slowly, letting your eyes rove across the hard planes of his torso, lean muscle flexing as he moves closer. You watch the way his cock bounces before he wraps a hand around it, giving it a few, sure pumps. He nearly succeeds in distracting you with a kiss, but you still open your mouth demandingly, widening your eyes in the way that never fails. Never one to deny you anything, he climbs over you, kneeling and bending until he can slide the tip of his plump cock into your mouth. You suck at it eagerly, swallowing more and more of him until you choke, until all you can taste is the He slides his swollen shaft out and back in, breathing heavily, groaning at the feel of your wet mouth and zealous tongue. 
You whine when he pulls away, quieting when he climbs down the length of your body to kneel between your legs. He unclasps the straps around your thighs and waist, pulling them off to toss them on the other side of the bed. After a second of consideration, he strips you of the bra as well but leaves the lace collar on. You're left completely exposed and shivering, aching with the need to feel his skin. He locks eyes with you as he wraps his hands around your thighs, pushing them up until you’re spread out, ready to be taken apart. 
“My darling girl, my heart.” His fingers curl over your breasts, tweaking and tugging, his mouth dropping down to suck at a pebbled nipple. You sigh as your fingers slither into his hair, as he rises up to press his cock to your entrance. He slides in all the way and it feels so full you could cry. “God, Lucien. I...it feels so good.” Strange, but you adjust to it. Each drag of his hips, of his skin against yours, feels like it’s setting you on fire. You scramble to catch hold of something, an anchor, before you slip; you pull him down into an urgent kiss as your hips buck up into him. 
He groans into your mouth and leans closer, swallowing your gasps; it’s unbearable, as if you’ll break, and as his thrusts speed up, you push back into him frantically, chasing after the fall, the rise, the destruction – it doesn’t elude you, he doesn’t rip it away but throws you into it instead. He leans back, reaching down for the plug and thrusting it into you, syncing its motions with that of his cock. Before you can comprehend the sudden pressure you’re coming so hard it blinds you, makes you scream, has tears pooling in your eyes.  Lucien works you through it gently, with lips quirked up at the way you babble, kissing you so, so softly your heart floods with how much you feel for this man. With a pounding heart, you watch as he reaches for the drawer, plucking out a condom and grabbing up the lube.
"Are you sure, darling?" Your response is to push your knees further until they're nearly level with your shoulders. He watches you as he lathers his cock with the liquid, using his other hand to pull your plug out. You got used to it, you realize, when it feels so empty. But he doesn't let it remain so, pressing the head of his leaking shaft against your entrance. You're treated to the full depth of his patience, as he dips in and out, getting further in with each propulsion. His eyes spark with every moan, his lips brush your mouth at every discomfited grunt. 
Once he's deep within you, in this new territory, and your head is thrown back, your mouth has fallen open at the feeling – he leans back and begins to thrust. His groans are everything you wanted to hear, and you can't help but smile up at him, unable to tear your eyes away from his bright eyes. There is no sign of the gloom, the sorrow. There's life, there's desire as he tests out all the different ways he can make you moan.
"I love you," you blurt out instead, overcome with the sudden flow of emotion. He slows as you tear up, to your immense embarrassment, and try to throw your arm over your head to cover it up. 'There was nothing sexy about that!' 
And then you nearly choke as, in one swift movement, he wraps your legs around his waist and pulls you up against him. He shudders, clutching you to him as you throw your arms over his shoulders, eyes rolling back into your head when he slips deeper. Your kiss is frenzied, as are his thrusts when they start anew, and then you do cry when he whispers his love, his praise against your lips, over and over again. Your nails dig into his skin, and his teeth sink into yours. You sob harder when he presses you into the bed, drilling into you like a man crazed and sliding his fingers into your throbbing sex. 
His eyes glow as he strikes where it shatters you, and you're blinded by it – completely consumed by the force of it, the way it leaves you in pieces, but even through your quaking limbs and the ringing in your ears, you feel Lucien pull out of you. Through bleary eyes, you watch him rip the condom off hastily before sliding through your oversensitive slit. He chokes out a guttural groan, clinging to you as he falters, the snapping of his hips unsteady as he comes almost violently, pumping himself into you, filling you up past what you can hold. 
For a long moment, the only sounds in the room are of you two trying to catch your breath.
“Happy Birthday,” you whisper, pressing a shaky kiss to his cheek. He stays curled over you, staring down at your flushed face, your hair now far from smooth and sticking to your skin. His damp bangs fall haphazardly across his forehead, his lips are kissed red and he's so beautiful you need to look away before you cry again.
His eyes are suspiciously shiny as he kisses your forehead gently. “I love you, my darling girl.” 
As he settles next to you on the bed, you turn over gingerly. You're completely spent, sore and sweaty. Still, you aim for casualness, ignoring the slight tremble in your legs. "Excited for tomorrow?"
“Very,” he answers once you’re curled up into him, and he can play with your hair to his heart's content. “I'm glad we have the whole weekend to ourselves.” 
You gasp in mock outrage. "I do have an itinerary, you know." And you’ve also opened a new door for you both. You have no doubt Lucien will be experimenting on you until he’s familiar with every inch of this new area, and the slight fear you feel is understandable. He can be quite enthusiastic when it comes to figuring out what makes you tick.
"So do I." His smirk is positively feral and you can't help but snort. 
“Think we can shower before bed?” 
“Yes, if you’d like,” he gathers you into his arms gently, then sinks back into the bedding. “...maybe in some time. Are we actually leaving in the morning?“ 
You know your smile is a tad impish when he pinches your cheek. “We’ve got an afternoon flight.” If all goes according to plan, your boyfriend's birthday weekend will have a very pleasant start – with your mouth wrapped around his cock. You just have to make sure you wake up before him.
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chinguwritings · 4 years
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A 3RACHA Fan-Fiction
|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||
A/N: It’s finally here guys!! I know it took me a while, I was working on other fics but eventually I was able to get to this.😃  It’s expected to be 8 parts (may be subject to change), and it is MALE x MALE. Sorry for those of you who were expecting a y/n fic, but im a weeb and I love BL hehe. Also, it’s pride month so perfect timing, right? Later down the line I may write a 3racha x reader though, we’ll see. ~ Admin Kay
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Chapter 1 - Confession
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hanahaki AU
Rating: PG (swearing, mentions of sex)
Word Count: 2.9k
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“And cut!” Chan exclaimed as he ended the recording, “Great job, J.one, you sounded really good today! I can tell you’ve been practicing.”
“T-thanks,” Jisung stuttered in response, rubbing the back of his neck as he stepped out of the recording room.
“Text me when you’re free again so we can work on the other songs, alright?” Chan smilied, giving Jisung a couple pats on the back, “I’ll see you later.”
“Alright, see you,” he replied quietly, taking a deep breath as he quickly made his way out of the studio. 
His heart was pounding at the sound of those kind words and praise about his rapping, and he couldn’t help but smile as he thought about how proud Chan looked. He loved knowing his hard work paid off, after all the long nights staying up past one in the morning trying to fix his rhythm and tone, repeating the lines over and over again until everything was absolutely perfect, all that for a simple ‘good job’… but it was hearing it from Chan that made all the difference; he wanted nothing more than to impress him.
“Hyung, I’m home,” Jisung announced, walking through the door and tossing his things aside before slumping into the couch. 
“How was the recording?” Changbin asked as he joined Jisung on the couch.
“It was great! Chan said he could tell I’ve been practicing,” Jisung bragged, a huge grin spread across his lips as he spoke.
“That’s good. Your late night practicing is paying off, then.”
“How do you know about that?”
“Because I can hear you? Your room is right next to mine and the walls aren’t that thick you know.”
“Oh… well, when is your next recording?”
“Tomorrow morning, so I’m gonna be practicing all night tonight.”
Jisung simply nodded in response, a tinge of jealousy slowly sinking in at the thought of Changbin spending time with Chan alone. He knew it was nothing to get worked up about, they all had to record together from time to time, but for some reason it still seemed to bother him. 
“Soo…” Changbin started, “are we going out for dinner today?”
“Hm… no, I’m good,” Jisung replied, “I’ll just find something in the fridge to eat.”
“Alright, let me know if you change your mind. I’m heading out.”
Jisung nodded at the older boy's words and watched as Changbin left the house. Once he was out of sight, Jisung scrambled for his phone and immediately dialled Chan, checking to see if maybe he would be free later.
“Hello?” he answered only after a few rings.
“Uh, hey, Chan… are you free later tonight? Do you think we could meet up? There’s something I want to tell you.”
“Um… I think I’m free after 8 o’clock. Is that okay with you, or is that too late?”
“Uh… actually can we meet later? Maybe… 11:30?”
“11:30?!” Chan exclaimed, pausing for a moment before speaking again, “I mean… I guess that’s fine, it’s not like I’d be doing anything other than sleeping… So where are we gonna meet?”
“Hm… how about that twenty four hour cafe across the street from the studio?”
“Alright, sounds good to me.”
“Okay, I’ll see you then.”
“Yep, see yah.”
Jisung let out a sigh of relief as he hung up the phone, a huge smile on his face as he combed his fingers through his hair. Jumping up from the couch, he immediately went to the bathroom to shower and get himself ready for his ‘date’ with Chan. He took his time in the shower, thinking about all the possible ways it could go, all the things he should say, all the advances he could make… but he was also nervous because maybe Chan didn’t even feel the same, maybe he only viewed him as a friend.
Although this wasn’t the first time they were going out, for Jisung, this time felt totally different; it was the first time he was going out with Chan, having officially accepted that he has feelings for him. It had been a while since Jisung first became interested, but during that time he was just trying to figure out if he truly liked Chan or if it was something else. He wasn’t sure if it was a strong sense of friendship, or maybe just that he thought Chan was attractive, or maybe he felt lustful towards him… and with all the possibilities in mind he thought that maybe what he was feeling was just a phase. But after a while of thinking and letting his feelings develop, he determined that he really did like Chan and wanted to build a serious relationship with him if possible.
He knew he definitely wasn’t ready to confess to him yet, but he did feel like he should at least inform Chan of his sexuality; he had to take everything in baby steps to ensure the smoothest results possible. At that point, if Chan admitted that he didn’t swing that way, then there would be no point in confessing and Jisung would have to try a different approach or just leave it at that.
Just as Jisung finished his shower, hair still damp with his towel wrapped around his waist, Changbin came home, a puzzled look forming on his face as he caught a glimpse of Jisung.
“You showered early,” Changbin commented as he put his food down on the table, “Going somewhere?”
“N-no…” Jisung replied nervously as he slowly continued making his way to his room, “I just… was feeling a little icky so I decided to shower. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go put some clothes on.” Entering his room, he closed the door behind him, quickly throwing on some pajamas before making his way back out to the kitchen to join Changbin.
“What’d you get? Smells good,” Jisung commented as he sat down next to Changbin.
“Just some noodles and chicken from the place down the street. You want some?” Changbin asked as he gestured the food towards Jisung.
“Nah, I’m good… I already ate,” he lied, not wanting to spoil his appetite in case Chan wanted to grab a bite to eat when they met up.
“Oh yeah, what’d you end up eating?”
“Oh uh… just… some leftovers… not much though because I uh… wasn’t that hungry.” 
Changbin only nodded in response, acknowledging the statement as he continued to eat his food.
“So I was wondering…” Jisung started, “How late are you planning to stay up tonight?”
“To practice? Hm… I don’t know, depends when I’m satisfied with how I sound. Why?”
“Just wondering because I wanna be able to sleep tonight…”
“I’m not gonna be thaaat loud.”
“And I quote, ‘... the walls aren’t that thick you know…’”
“Alright, fine, I’ll try not to stay up too late.”
“Good. Besides, you’re already an amazing wrapper, hyung, don’t stress out about it,” Jisung assured, placing a hand on Changbin’s shoulder, “It’s better to get lots of rest so that you’re not tired tomorrow morning for your recording.”
“Yeah I guess you’re right, thanks Sungie.”
“Of course! Only the best for my best friend.”
* * *
Time dragged as Jisung waited and waited for the clock to hit 11; he was getting way too anxious for his secret little rendezvous with Chan. He had his nicest outfit picked out along with his best cologne, and he had also pre-packed mints and a condom in his pants pocket in case y’know… things happened, and of course, he made sure to bring extra money so that he could pay the bill if they decided to go out to eat or have drinks or something. After what felt like forever, finally, around 10:30, Changbin finished up his practicing.
“Goodnight, Jisung,” Changbin said as he popped his head into Jisung’s room, “You can sleep in peace now.” 
“Thanks, I will. Goodnight, Changbin-hyung,” Jisung lied through his teeth as Changbin closed the bedroom door and continued on his way to his own. 
The moment Jisung heard Changbin’s bedroom door close, he immediately popped up out of bed and changed into his nice clothes, quickly fixing his hair and giving himself a few spritz of cologne. Taking one last glance in the mirror, he deemed himself presentable and so at last, he was able to start making his way out. First, he snuck out of his bedroom, being sure to make as little sound as possible as he opened and closed his door, and then he quickly but quietly made his way to the front door. Once he was outside, he locked the door behind him and started walking down the sidewalk toward the cafe that he and Chan agreed to meet at. As excited as he was to see Chan, he forced himself to walk slowly so that he wouldn’t be all sweaty and gross in front of him, especially since he’d already showered.
 Jisung arrived about fifteen minutes early, so he decided to find a table to sit at while he waited for Chan to arrive. Thankfully, since it was late, there were lots of open tables so it was easy for him to find a spot. Only about five minutes had passed when he heard the cafe door open, and as he looked up, sure enough, it was Chan. He gulped as he looked away, pretending not to see that Chan had just walked in and instead, waiting for him to come to the table.
“Wow, you’re early,” Chan spoke as he sat down across from Jisung.
“Oh, haha yeah,” Jisung replied nervously, glancing down at the time on his phone which read 11:20 pm, “You’re early too.”
“Yeah,” Chan shrugged, his little dimple showing as he grinned at Jisung, “Better to be early than late. I wanted to be here before you but you beat me.”
Jisung only nodded in response, the butterflies that were filling his stomach making it hard for him to make conversation.
“Did you… wanna grab some drinks?” Chan asked as he motioned toward the counter.
“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry,” Jisung replied, quickly standing up and following Chan to the counter to order.
“Hi, what can I get for you guys tonight?” the barista smiled.
“Hi, I’ll just take a small hot cocoa, and uh… what do you want Jisung?”
“Uh… I’ll have the same as him…”
“Okay, so two small hot cocoas… can I get a name for the order?”
“Chan.”
Upon hearing the price of the transaction from the barista, Jisung scrambled for his wallet in his back pocket and quickly rummaged through his bills to give the appropriate cash, but before he could, Chan snatched Jisung’s wallet out of his hands and instead, paid for the drinks with his own card.
“Alrighty, your drinks will be out in a bit.”
“Thank you,” Chan replied, quickly putting his card away as he walked back to the table, Jisung just following close behind, but too shy to speak up and ask for his wallet back.
“So…” Chan started as he sat down across from Jisung, a cheeky grin spread across his face, “What’s this?” Between his index and middle finger, he held up a square, metallic package that Jisung immediately recognized to be the condom he had hidden in his wallet for emergency purposes. “Are you getting some action and you didn’t tell me? Is that what you wanted to talk to me about tonight?”
“Uh…” Jisung mumbled, unable to make eye contact with Chan as his cheeks flushed a faint pink color, “N-no I’m not I just… I figured it’s good to have one just in case… y’know? Better safe than sorry… right?”
“You don’t have to be shy about it, dude. You can tell me if you aren’t a virgin anymore.”
“Hyung… I’m really not having sex.”
“Order for Chan!” the barista called, interrupting the conversation. “I can get it,” Jisung blurted, quickly shooting up before Chan even  had the chance and quickly making his way back to the counter to grab the drinks.
Shit… Why’d he have to find the condom so fast, we literally just met up… Jisung thought to himself, shaking his head  as he grabbed the drinks and started making his way back. This ‘date’ was definitely not going as smoothly as he thought it would in his head. Sitting back down at the table with the drinks, there was an awkward silence for a bit, Jisung unable to make eye contact with Chan, who was curiously observing Jisung’s obviously nervous body language.
“So,” Chan started as he took a sip of his drink, “If not that… what is it you needed to tell me?”
“U-uh well…” Jisung stuttered, gulping hard before continuing, “It’s a little… personal so like… I don’t really wanna talk about it in public.”
“Oh, okay… how about we go for a drive then?” 
“You drove?”
“Yeah, I kinda stole the company van,” he smirked as he took another sip of his cocoa.
“You what?!” Jisung exclaimed, wide eyed, “You won’t get in trouble??”
“As long as I don’t crash it I won’t,” he chuckled, “C’mon, let’s go.”
Nervously, Jisung followed Chan out to the van, his hands cold and heart pounding as he got in and put on his seatbelt. As Chan drove, Jisung stayed quiet, staring out the window as he thought about how he was going to tell Chan. 
I can’t just… say it… that’s weird. I need to start a conversation first… maybe just… ask how he’s been? or something?? Ask him about his music? but then how will I change the topic after? Ugh… I don’t know… this is pathetic…
Chan couldn’t help but notice that something was off about Jisung. He’d never seen him so tense and on edge before and he found it rather concerning. He could only hope that whatever it was that Jisung had to say, he would be able to handle it well and give Jisung the comfort he was looking for.
Finally, after about a twenty minute drive, Chan backed the van into a rather barren place that Jisung had never been to before… to him, it looked like they were literally in the middle of nowhere.
“Where a--” Jisung started, but before he could finish, Chan had already gotten out of the car and shut the door, but it didn’t take Jisung long to jump out of his seat and chase after him. “Chan, where a-- whoa…”  This time, before he could finish speaking, he got distracted by the breathtaking sight before him, his eyes gleaming with amazement as his mouth fell agape; Chan had driven them up to a lookout of the city.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Chan smiled seeing Jisung’s appalled reaction. “I always come here when I’m stressed out and need to clear my head… come,” Chan motioned, patting a seat next to him for Jisung to sit. Jisung had been so absorbed in the view that he was completely oblivious of Chan opening the liftgate and laying out a blanket for them to sit on. Jisung’s cheeks burned in reaction to Chan’s kind gesture, butterflies soon filling his stomach yet again despite his efforts to keep himself calm. He was sure that Chan didn’t have any special intentions for doing what he did, but Jisung couldn't help but feel that it was really romantic, and maybe even a little flirty… and unfortunately, it was making him even more nervous than he already was.
“Sung,” Chan called, concern in his voice as he reached for Jisung’s hand. Jisung gasped in response, unintentionally pulling his hand away in an act of panic as he struggled to contain his emotions.
“Are you okay, Jisung?! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!” Chan bolted up from his seat, facing Jisung directly, “Is it something I did?”
“N-no, no! It’s not you, I just… you startled me… sorry…”
“No, don’t apologize… I shouldn’t have been so bold knowing something was bothering you, I’m sorry…”
Jisung could still feel his heart pounding out of his chest, hands cold and stomach tied in knots as he stood there, trying his best to calm himself down. It was now or never; it was starting to get late and he didn't drag Chan out at 11:30 at night just to say nothing. Taking a deep breath, he finally forced himself to say what he’d been meaning to say all night.
“Chan… you're a really great guy… and even though it doesn't seem like it right now, I feel extremely comfortable around you and I feel like I can trust you with any secret and well… I have a pretty big one… but just to be clear, I’m still a virgin, I wasn’t lying about that earlier.”
“I’m sorry, that was my bad… I was just making assumptions. I’m glad you trust me with any secret though, Jisung. Right now, I want you to know we’re in a completely judge free zone and I promise you, whatever happens here or is said here, stays here. Okay? You can tell me whatever you need to and I will be sure to keep that promise.”
Jisung found comfort in Chan’s words, the love and support he showed easing some of his nerves as he prepared himself to finally reveal his secret, “Okay… you’re the only person that I’ve told this to so far… even though I’ve been holding onto it for a while… but that’s why I was so damn nervous.” Closing his eyes, he clenched his fists anxiously as he took one last deep breath before finally parting his lips to speak, “Chan… I’m gay.”
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|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||
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dayasbun · 5 years
Text
Fame - Angus Cloud (5)
Summary- a luckily timed audition leads to you falling for your new and unexpected co-star.
Warnings- okay HI welcome to my first multi chapter series woah?! this is actually so exciting for me like wow especially since angus doesn’t have any fics yet im just really really excited- so warnings! smut for sure, bad words, lotsa fluff, angst- everything in one basically. here comes a ride and I hope you enjoy :)
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5 {reading now}
-
You woke up to an empty bed and cold covers. With a sigh you sat up, wondering where Storm and Z had gone. Grabbing your phone, you shook your head as you read the messages on your home screen.
Babygirl Z <3: Yoooo so we dipped cuz Angus's weird-ass kinda threatened us to gtfo out cuz he wanted to spend time w you but don't tell him I told you that, I don't wanna deal w him
Lil storm!: i think the hood boy in love with you or sum- it's weird.
Angus ☁️: you free today? i got some plans for us so if you ain't you free now
Angus ☁️: i'm playin btw like if you ain't free i can change shit around
You giggled as you heard your nails click against the phone's screen as you sent responses.
-mhm i'll act like i never saw this...have a good day of filming gorgeous <3
-see storm, i highly disagree
-i'm free :) is this a date mr cloud? don’t forget we have filming today
You got up brushing your teeth and washing your face. You waited for Angus's response before picking an outfit for the day, and instead decided on making breakfast for now.
Babygirl Z <3: thanks lovely same to you!!!
Lil storm! laughed at your message
Angus ☁️: shittttt ion know maybe- n yeah ik
-i'm making breakfast, come over if you want
Angus ☁️: food?? i'm already on the way
-my trailer door is unlocked so just come in
A few minutes later you heard the heavy trailer door creak open. You flipped a pancake before turning around and facing the taller man in front of you. "Gooooood morning- you look so tired?"
"Damn, thanks Y/N you look great too!" Angus said sarcastically rolling his eyes.
"Boy, I'm kidding." You grinned wrapping your arms around his waist "How'd you sleep?"
"I slept ight, you? Any dream-"
"SHUTUP!"
"I was just checking damn, just checking!"
You let off the hug and walked back over to the stove turning off the burners. "Okay, done! Pancakes and eggs- and fruit! Can't beat that." You made both you and Angus a plate and sat them down on the small table.
You both ate with smiles on your faces, talking the whole time. You learned some more about Angus and his past, and he learned more about you and what you want your future to be like. You couldn't help but laugh when he spotted a carton of store-bought sugar cookies on your counter and insisted he eat at least five. You didn't deny his request, so he polished them off with the rest of his pancakes.
As soon as the breakfast came to a close, both of your phones dinged at the exact same time.
"That's strange," You said picking up the electrical device. You quickly unlocked it as your eyes scanned the screen, and when you finished you immediately looked up at Angus. From the look on his face, you could tell that he clearly had finished reading the message as well.
"So…" he said quietly.
"Yeah."
"Yep."
The text message wasn't too big of a deal, just a simple message from Mary of a suddenly new shooting schedule. You weren't worried until you reached the paragraph that made very clear that instead of shooting you and Angus's sex scenes next week, or possibly two weeks away, they would be shot tomorrow and for the rest of the week.
Shooting the scenes wasn't exactly the problem, it was the caliber of the scenes that you two would be shooting that was the problem. Also the fact- that though there isn't much talking during the sex scenes- you would have to memorize the lines of the new episode. Even though you and Angus were more comfortable with each other, sex scenes were not anything that you two were ready for, you guys hadn't even kissed yet, whether that was a real kiss, or a kiss practicing for the scene.
"I think we need practice."
"I agree."
"So uh..." He turned red as he picked at his nails.
You let out a sigh. "Okay so look. Basically, the scene just consists of me being naked, you being naked as well, but they're going to jimmy rig something so that obviously we aren't actually doing it. Mary told me in my message that I would have some type of pad over my you know what, and you would have some type of cup on."
"But-"
"I'm not done, wait. There are covers over us; so even though I have to give the effect of riding you, I'll just kind of be awkwardly rubbing my padded- you- know- what up against the cup."
"Okay, don't we make out before?"
"Yeah, we do." You stood up and rinsed off the plates. After placing them in the dishwasher, you turned back to your male co-star. "Okay, so it's about 11 AM right now. If we practice our lines, make out some, and I awkwardly ride you clothed in my bed, I think we should be fine..what about your plans?" You asked softly.
"It’s ight, they can wait. But there's another scene- where I smash you from the back. That's the part where I gotta show my cheeks man, damn I don't wanna show my cheeks!"
You laughed a bit "You'll be fine... tomorrow we'll be shooting probably just making out, then the next day the riding scene, and then the day after that more. And I know this seems kind of shitty, but if you read over other peoples paragraphs besides just ours, a lot of their sex scenes were moved up too, and some of the pairings are a bit weird and unexpected."
"Okay let's stop talking about it and just do it."
You nodded and silently walked into your small bedroom, sitting on the messy bed. You hadn't made it because, well you didn't exactly expect to have Angus in your bedroom, let alone to do this.
"So..."
You turned to look at him with a raised brow, "What?"
"So imma kiss you."
Why did that one sentence make your heart. Skip. So. Many. Fucking. Beats.
"Yeah well, that's what the script says right?"
He nodded and licked his lips. "Come get on my lap."
"Why? That's not in the-"
"It'll be more comfortable, especially if we doing this for a minute."
You took in a breath as you went over and straddled his lap, your legs around his waist, and your arms resting comfortably on his shoulders, wrapping around his neck.
You looked into his eyes, and god they were just gorgeous. "Angus.." You said softly.
"Yeah?"
And for .2 seconds you actually debated telling him- telling him that when you kissed him, you didn't want it just to be practice for the show. Telling him that you felt like you lived for the nights that he would facetime you and tell you dumbest shit that would just have you dead tired the next day. Telling him how much he made you laugh, and how it made you so unbearably happy every time you saw his name and knew it was the cause of your phone screen lighting up. Making sure he knew that the past 2 months of your life had gotten so much brighter just because of him.
You didn't though.
But if you had? He would've told you how he felt the exact same way. He would tell you how he loved how your eyes sparkle in the sunlight, how he loved how your nose scrunched up when you laughed. About how you were the only person who would listen to his dumb Mandela effects, even though he knew you didn't believe in all of them. And how it made him blush every time you sent him a mirror selfie on Snapchat for your streak- which he always lost.
But neither of you said anything.
Instead, you made out for a full 32 minutes with absolutely no passion, no lust, no nothing. Too scared to open up to the other due to the fear of rejection.
Until he got hard.
Again.
And that was your little 'ding!' to let you know yet again, 'he wants you.'
So your hips began to move {finally, after 32 minutes of dead nothingness} and you and Angus's lips began to fight for dominance. His hands moved from being awkwardly placed on your sides to under your shirt on your waist. Feeling his hands on your bare skin, you let out a soft moan into his mouth- which you could tell completely caught him off guard.
"Fuck you moaning for?" He teased, still not letting off of the kiss.
"For you."
He bit your lip causing you to moan yet again, your hips still bucking against his hard-on- holy fuck that felt a lot better than it should've. You grinned a bit as you felt his beard brush against your face.
"God. you're so hot."
'Oh my god' you thought, 'It's happening.'
"Baby, I have nothing on you." You replied seductively, sliding your hand down from his shoulder to his crotch.
"Fuck Jess..."
You grinned as he- wait what?
Jess- right, your characters name. Reel it in, you told yourself. This is just acting, nothing more. Just acting. Though you stayed into it, something about him calling you Jess turned you off a bit. After 10 more minutes or so you stopped, getting off of his lap and sitting on the side of him.
“Wel-”
“Yeah, that was good!” You quickly cut him off. “I definitely think our awkwardness has melted away a bit.”
“But don’t you wanna talk-” 
“We have some scenes to film at 1, its 12:30 right now so we should head to wardrobe.”
Angus looked at you with a confused expression on his face, but just nodded slowly and stood up following you out.
All you two had to film was the scene of you coming back, so it was a calm and chill collection of scenes to go through. Everything ran smoothly, and by the time you two were done around 9PM, you were as tired as could be.
“You're such a good fucking actress Y/N.” Angus complimented you as you two walked back to his trailer. He offered you to stay over for the night- just to sleep of course- and you couldn't reject the offer even if you wanted to- which you didn't want to. “Thank you,” you replied softly. “You’re quite talented as well.”
“Nah girl, I'm just being me.”
You two went into his warm trailer talking of filming the scenes, and how tired you both were. You both tried to avoid the topic of the scenes you had to film tomorrow and for the rest of the week; though you were supposedly ready, it was a strangely sore topic.
Soon showers were taken, clothes were changed, and all that was left to do was cuddle.
Angus flipped off the lights and then crawled into the bed with you. You moved closer to him, listening to his rapid heartbeat as you traced hearts on his chest. “Night Redhead.” you said softly, placing a kiss against his cheek.
“Goodnight Mamas.”
And as you lay next to him listening to his light snores, you thought about something. You thought about how though today had been so amazing, and finally, you felt as though the awkwardness had melted away… it was all acting.
Angus didn't like you; that's what you told yourself. Any man would get hard if an attractive woman was sitting on his lap, so that was self-explanatory. Any man would call you baby during a heated moment, any man would talk dirty to you in a heated moment. And a good man like Angus would always make you feel comfortable when you practiced for a scene- that's all he was doing, he wanted you to feel comfortable.
You couldn't be hurt about the situation, the whole point of doing any of that was just practicing for the scenes. And after all, Angus called you Jess, not Y/N.
But at the same time, a little part of you wouldn't stop screaming that you really really really wished he had said your name instead. A little part of you-
Your thoughts were interrupted by the soft glow of your phone lighting up along with a light vibration. A smile appeared on your face as you saw who the message was from.
Babygirl Z <3: GIRL
Babygirl Z <3: BABES ARE YOU UP??!
-yeah you okay? what's wrong?
Babygirl Z <3: shit I'm sorry but i have to tell you this
-what's wrong????? are you okay?
Babygirl Z <3: I'm fine but
-?????
Babygirl Z <3: fuck don't hate me ily okay this is for the best just remember that
-Z get to the point...
Babygirl Z <3: okay so...storm and i just did some digging and
-and?
Babygirl Z <3: and we think Angus got a girl back @ home
-
taglist:
@nikkixostan @melaninmarvel @celiajrs @siriuslycollins @patientplum @babygurlbarnes
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pbandjesse · 3 years
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I honestly cant believe today it over. The last couple days just really flew by. It was a good couple days but this just means I start my new job tomorrow! Wild. 
I did get to see the moon last night. The way the moon path goes I can lay in bed around 11 and see the moon for almost an hour. Its great. 
And I did sleep well. The extra hour of sleep was very nice. And while I didnt wake up at 715 like I wanted, waking up at 9 allowed me to feel a lot better. Though I was sad I only vaguely remembered saying goodbye to James. 
I got up and got showered and dressed. My skin is looking great and I only have a few more days of the one. So I wont have to shower so much anymore. I will probably still take the double showers some days, but its a little exhausting honestly. 
I felt cute and good today though. I liked my outfit. I love wearing tights. It was rainy and grey and I was just in a good mood. 
I spent the morning playing animal crossing and starting to post on the new store instagram. I am pretty excited. I have already made 3 sales. Jess may back out of the whole thing. There have been some technical issues and she just doesnt really want to deal with it. But I am having a good time at least. I am going to post a few things every day for the next few weeks and make things as I go. But so far I have had great feedback. 
I had a good time playing animal crossing too because its a new month! Last night when James got home we played together for the first time in a while and doing all the halloween stuff was fun. Handing out candy and things. But now halloween is over, so I am picking up most of the pumpkins, in favor of the new mushrooms you can grow. I am going to leave the decorations up for a while longer as we collect more christmasy things. But I am excited by new things so thats pretty great. 
Around 11 I decided to go for a drive. It was raining but not to bad. But of course as soon as I left the house it started pouring. I went back upstairs to get a raincoat and then I was off. 
As I waited at the light to get on the highway, a homeless man asked for change. I did not have change so I gave him the $5 bill I had and he was super nice to me. We talked for a minute while the light was red. Someone had shot him with a paintball gun last night. I felt so bad. Then he asked me where I was from because I had an accent! I always think thats funny when people say that. James says I have a dialect for sure, and its my diction as well. Neat. 
I went out to savers. Driving was a bit scary. Despite all the work on the car, the little traction light is still coming on. Ugh. But I made it to the thrift store in one piece. 
I had a nice time walking around there. I got an amazing lobster rug and a piece of fabric. But the best find was for James. I finally found slippers for him! Except they arent just slippers, they are grey name brand Uggs. For $10. And they fit him! Amazing. So proud of myself for that one. 
I wandered around for a while though. Enjoyed my time out. Not as many weird things today. But a nice walk around. 
When I was done there I went and got lunch across the street. Continued to listen to a podcast. And then went to get some snack based groceries. 
That was a nice time. Thinking about things to put in my lunch this week. Had fun looking at the christmas stuff they are starting to put out. 
I was only very annoyed when I went to my car. Because the cart I was using locked its wheels about 30 feet from my far!! I was still in the parking lot!! Stupid cart. I had to put it in the little cart shelter and then carry all my stupid things to the car. In the rain. So then I was both wet and hot. 
I drove home. Had some issues because of 3 separate accidents that had 83 very very backed up. Making single lanes each time, but of course it was not in the same lane. 
But I still got home soon enough. 
I brought in some of my stuff. Left the heavy things in there. And did some putting away. Some cleaning. Some playing with sweetp. Helping Jess with some google issues and working on some store stuff. I got a little upset by a comment she made about how she would have given up a while ago if I wasnt so excited about the store. And like. Yeah Ive felt that from you. I told her she didnt need to do it with me, but she said she has made a lot of masks already so shes going to. But like. It makes it hard for me to feel good about being excited about something when someone says stuff like that. So I dont know what will happen on her end but I am going to keep going and try to not let it bother me. 
I decided to go for a walk. I went over to walgreens and got nail polish. And when I got home James was here! Hello boyfriend. 
We hung out for a while. And then he made me a taco. Except when he heated up the tortilla, sweetP jumped on the counter and melted his whiskers and got his face singed. I was so upset. He doesnt seem hurt at all but his face was all curly and his chin and chest are burnt. I trimmed it a bit and cleaned him off with a wet paper towel. Im more upset when he is for sure. But still. 
James felt really bad. But it wasnt anyone's fault. It all just happened really fast. 
After dinner James had trivia. I decided not to participate this week. Instead I decided to cut my hair. I put it in two pig tails and chopped off 4 inches of hair. I got a cute bob now. Very nice for the fall. 
Once I finished cleaning up my hair I took a bath. Relaxed. It was a nice time. 
I laid in bed and watched videos for a while. Then went to sit with James as the game was finishing and Lane recited Dante's amazing parody poem. And we showed off our moths. It was a goofy time. 
Now I am in bed. I am cold. James is in the shower. I am going to put a differnt sweater on and try to get to sleep quick. Because I have work tomorrow!! I dont know if I will actually have any kids. But my plan is to get to know my coworkers and set up some art bins for the kids so they dont have to share tools. I hope we eventually get some kids but not having any tomorrow will be alright. I got plans. 
I hope you all sleep well tonight. Take care of yourselves and eachother. Goodnight!
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softyoongiionly · 5 years
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Fear and Dumplings: Chapter Six
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Confronting your fears for a final grade sounds unappealing but, with Yoongi as your partner, things might not be so bad.
Summary: You’re in your final semester at University when your Abnormal Psychology professor assigns you a partnered project surrounding your greatest fears. Lucky for you, your partner just so happens to be a cute boy named Min Yoongi.
Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader
Genre: College Au, Underground Rapper! Yoongi, Soft!!! Yoongi, Fluff!!!, some moderate angst (later), smut (later later),  slow-ish? burn
Word Count: 5.1K
A/N: I’m literally on fire after writing this chapter lol. I hope you like it!😊
Warnings for this Chapter: mentions of fear, anxiety, sadness, some angst aka Jimin is an insecure boy who is unaware that he is literaly heaven on earth, swearing, suggestive situations/concepts, if you squint really hard you can see the beginnings of smut.
Warnings for the Fic: mentions characters confronting their fears, characters in uncomfortable situations, emotional moments between characters, mentions of bad parenting, explicit language throughout the fic, moderate angst, and very explicit smut later in the story.
Chapter 6: Doubt and Shadow Demons
You’re lying on your bed in one of your many baggy t-shirts, smiling like an idiot at your phone. Jimin had sent you screenshots of what he believed to be Yoongi’s twitter. If Jimin wasn’t aiming to be a dancer, you would have suggested a career as a private investigator because,  he could literally find anyone. You hadn’t asked Jimin to go looking for more information on Yoongi but, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t interested. His Twitter was mostly black, no bio and, no location but, the avatar was a picture of Yoongi wearing headphones, his newly blonde hair disheveled as he smiled at the camera. He really had no business being that cute. ‘@agustd93’ was his handle and you furrowed your brows in confusion as you tried to decipher what it could mean.  Yoongi didn’t seem to tweet much, he just retweeted a lot of music equipment accounts however, there were a few scattered tweets here and there that made you laugh.
“Roommates are drunk, again. They can’t hold their alcohol for shit.”
“Update: Drunk Hobi is obsessed with my cheeks and, I swear if he pinches them one more time, I’m going to cut his hands off.”
“Another Update: Joon just started crying after explaining to me that, “we are all just little flowers in the garden of life, trying to find our bees.” What the fuck does that even mean?”
You giggle, shaking your head, your thumb scrolling down to search for more tweets. There were more scattered between retweets of what you assumed to be the latest music equipment as Yoongi quoted some of the them with captions like ‘Dream Studio’ and ‘if only I wasn’t broke.’ You kept scrolling before coming across a tweet that made your stomach flutter.
‘Where? Everywhere.’
Fuck. He tweeted that last night. After you and Yoongi got off the Ferris Wheel, you actually ended up having a pretty decent time. The two of you got dinner at the park and wrote your experiences down in your research journals. Yoongi acted like the conversation on the Ferris Wheel never happened but, he seemed to warm up to you more and more as the night progressed. But still, nothing flirty occurred between the two of you and, Yoongi was very careful not to get too close to you. The whole thing was very confusing, one minute, Yoongi’s admitting that he would kiss you ‘everywhere, if you let him’ and, the next minute he’s treating you like he normally did. This tweet was sent at 11:30 which would have been around the time he got back to his place. Maybe it wasn’t about you, Yoongi seemed to have a habit of being vague and, he easily could have been talking about something else but, none the less, it made your heart skip a beat.
Did you like Yoongi? More importantly, did it matter? You shook your head, trying to rid yourself of your complicated thoughts as you rolled out of bed. Marzipan throws a complaint your way as you walk past her lounging at the end of the mattress. Normally, you would be out at your favorite crepe café gossiping with Jimin over some iced coffee but, Jimin had texted you the night before saying that his showcase rehearsal was running late and he didn’t think he’d get any sleep if he met up with you. You had of course met this with an abundance of understanding as you knew better than anyone how hard Jimin had been working at his showcase routine. So, instead of meeting up with your best friend, you planned on working on your final paper for your International Relations course. You had been working on it all semester and, felt accomplished that for once, you didn’t procrastinate. Green tea was essential for today’s writing session so; you brewed a decent sized pot before, continuing your paper. Marzipan eventually made her way out into your living room, opting to sprawl out on the couch, claiming her space as usual.
After writing for some time, you glance at the clock at the bottom of your laptop and your eyes widen. Shit. You had been writing for 4 hours. How was it possible that much time had passed? You had gotten a lot done, adding an additional 6-7 pages to the giant that was your final paper. Just after leaning back in your chair and stretching your limbs, your phone lights up with a text message.
BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): I miss the squad tho.
You giggle at the message, your heart warming as you reply.
BROS 4 LYFE: me too tho :/
BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): me 3 tho :/ :/
BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): MY BABIES :( i miss u guys.
A hint of sadness plucks at your chest as you read the messages being sent in by your friends. You had made new friends in school and, college had been an overall fun time but, you had to admit that you never stopped missing having all three of your bestfriends in one place. The past four years hadn’t been the same without them and you couldn’t wait til the four of you graduated so, that you could finally have your group back together again. Jungkook had been drafted to play pro ball on a minor league team in your current city and, Taehyung had made the decision earlier in the semester to pursue his masters in art history at the school you and Jimin were currently attending. This meant that in a few short weeks, everything would back to normal for a little while.
BROS 4 LYFE: only a few more weeks my dudes, we got this.
BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook) stay on that grind squad, college grad hours are about to be open.
BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): kookie and tae, will you be here for my showcase? It’s two weeks before graduation.
BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): duh. We wouldn’t miss it for the world Jiminie.
BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): yea we would never miss a chance to see the world’s shortest ballerina.
Your eyes widen as you laugh, already imagining Jimin igniting in fury when he reads the message. His reply comes before you are able to chime in.
BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): YAH! IM NOT A BALLERINA!
BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): I AM A CONTEMPORARY DANCER.
BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THE CHAMPION CONTEMPORARY DANCER
BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THREE YEARS RUNNING THANKYOUVERYMUCH
At this point you’re in a full blown laughing fit, shaking your head as your fiery best friend pops off in the chat.
BROS 4 LYFE:  go best friend, that’s my best friend.
BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): let the record show that Kookie bought 12 of the limited edition Jimin shirts that your school sold after he won the championships.
BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN’T TELL
BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): >:)
BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): love u kookie
BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): …love u too…
The responses eventually dwindle down and, you decide to hop in the shower to tend to the mop of hair that was growing slightly greasy on your head. Afterwards, you throw on a cozy sweatshirt and your favorite pair of fuzzy pajama shorts and, settle on the couch to watch some Netflix. You hadn’t had a night in to yourself in a long time and, it felt amazing to be able to sit around and, do nothing.  Marzipan made her way up your body before, snuggling up in the free space between you and the edge of the couch. As your fingers absentmindedly stroke her fur, you feel your lids becoming heavier and heavier and, finally, you drift off into a much needed nap.
Needless to say, the nap turned into you passing out around 7:30 and, sleeping through the night until, finally, you awake to the ethereal sound of the never-ending city construction. You grumble as you pull the covers over your head to drown out the noise causing Marzipan, who clearly hadn’t left her spot all night, to flee from the couch.  Checking your phone, you noticed a few messages from your group-chat and a snapchat or two from some of your other friends. After responding to the majority of your missed messages, you drag yourself off of the couch and into the kitchen to make some coffee. The microwave displayed the current time: 7:45am; an unholy time to be awake on a Saturday morning. The coffee was finishing up before a loud knock at your door caused you to jump out of your skin. Who the hell was at your house at 7:45 in the morning? You gingerly made your way to the door, hoping that it was just someone from maintenance. Opening the door, you nearly scream as a tuft of pink hair practically collapses into your arms. It was Jimin and, he was crying.
“Jimin, babe, what’s wrong?” You hold him to you, your eyes wide with concern as you usher him into your apartment.
“I can’t do it y/n, I can’t do anything right.” He cries into your t-shirt, his hands clutching you as if you’re about to slip away.
You rub his back, maneuvering you both onto your couch, Jimin clinging to you all the while.
“Hey, hey, that’s not true at all.” You murmur soothingly. “Jimin, what brought this on? Did something happen?”
Jimin, still crying, nods, as the tears stream down his puffy cheeks.
“I’ve been rehearsing for…for 36 hours…and I ca…can’t….do it…I can’t get it right. I ke…keep messing up. I’m n…not getting it…they’re…they’re going to drop me from the showcase if I can’t do it….they…they will…” At this point, your heart is broken, your usually smiley best friend is completely shattered, sobbing, into your arms. You hadn’t seen him like this since he had his first serious breakup sophomore year and, even that couldn’t compare to what you saw before you.
“Shh…minnie…it’s ok, it’s ok, I got you.” You gingerly tilt his swollen face towards yours, your eyes holding an immense amount of emotion as you gaze into his. “Listen to me ok? You can’t rehearse like that, you’re going to burn out and, get hurt. You have to rest. You’ve been practicing non-stop for the entire semester. You could do that routine in your sleep babe. The only reason you probably messed up is because you are exhausting yourself.”
Before you can even finish, Jimin’s eyes well up with tears once again as he shakes his head.
“No…no…you don’t understand…y/n…the coaches came to watch me last night and, I fell…I fell and they…they said that they were disappointed with my progress…and that I need to do better…so…I had to stay to re…rehearse…cause I failed. I failed y/n, I failed.” Jimin bursts into another fit of sobs as he clutches you tighter and, you actually have to hold back the tears that are pricking the corners of your own eyes.
“Dancers fall all the time Jiminie, it’s ok, you had been rehearsing all day. Every free moment you have, you spend in the studio practicing. I know it must have been so hard to fall in front of your coaches but, hey,” You tilt his face to you once more before he can hide away in your arm again. “You are Park fucking Jimin. You are the youngest collegiate dancer to win the national showcase and, the ONLY dancer to win it three years in a row. Dancing is like breathing to you. Audiences are mesmerized as soon as you step on the stage. You did not fail. You are exhausted. You can’t work yourself like this or, there won’t be a Park Jimin to win the showcase four years in a row.” As your words tumble out of your mouth, Jimin begins to calm down, still sniffling lightly, he hugs you again, his normally sparkling eyes, heavy with exhaustion.
“I’m so scared…y/n…there’s so much pressure and, I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it if I disappoint anyone.” You place a chaste kiss to the top of his bubblegum hair as you nod.
“It’s ok to be afraid, this is something you really want and, when we really want something, the thought of failing can be crippling but, you have worked so unbelievably hard.  No one deserves this more than you do. Try and have a little faith in yourself ok? There is nothing you can’t achieve. You have something so magical within you.  Working hard is good but, everyone has their limit and, if you keep pushing yourself like this, you won’t be healthy enough to achieve all of the amazing things I know you are capable of.” Your voice has dropped to an even lower volume as you continue rubbing Jimin’s back. He is looking up at you with intense focus but, you can tell he is on the verge of crashing.
“You promise? You promise you believe I can do this?” He whispers and, your heart shatters in pieces that someone whom you care so deeply for, is in so much pain.
“I don’t just believe Jimin, I know.” You whisper back before jerking your head to the other end of the couch. “Can you please try and sleep for me? When you wake up, we can go somewhere, or we can stay in,its up to you. Just try and rest of a while.” At your request, Jimin lets out a yawn, his lips pressing to your shoulder once more before he flops back onto the couch, still sniffling lightly.
You help him out of his shoes and his coat before grabbing a blanket and, literally tucking him in.
“Thank you y/n.” Jimin whispers, practically half asleep, his hand holding yours lightly.
“You don’t have to thank me, that’s what best friends are for. I’ve cried on your couch a few times too, remember.” You smile fondly as Jimin lets out a twinkling giggle, happy to see that he’s feeling somewhat better.
“I love you.” He whispers, his eyes beginning to shut.
You squeeze his hand lightly before replying.
“I love you too Jimin.”
Jimin drifts off a few moments later, his light snores filling your living room. Your heart feels achy as you reply the last few moments over in your head. You knew your words wouldn’t be enough to completely take away Jimin’s uncertainty but, you were so grateful that he came to you instead of suffering in silence. Jimin had a history of feeling this way right before a showcase. He had done something similar to this your freshman year before, winning and subsequently making history. It absolutely devastated you to see him hurting but, you meant everything you said. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that Jimin was going to go far in life; you just hoped one day, he could see it for himself.
—————————————————————————————————-
“The dark and the ocean….I think maybe it’s time that we start tackling our fears one by one, what do you think?” You look over at Yoongi, who nods from behind his phone.
“Yeah, I think so too. I don’t know how we’d combine the dark and the ocean anyway.” His voice was slightly scratchier than normal but, when you had asked if he was sick, he told you that he had lost his voice at a concert he went to the night prior. For whatever reason, you didn’t believe him but, rather than prying, you opted to enjoy the sound of Yoongi’s raspy voice becoming even raspier.
“If we did, it would be terrifying and, I would probably die.” You state bluntly, causing Yoongi to scoff in disbelief, shaking his head at you.
“You’re so dramatic.” He chastises, smirking lightly, tapping away at his phone. You shrug, not bothering to disagree with him as you doodle on the corner of your paper. “Are you comfortable confronting this fear directly? I don’t know how you would imagine it, unless, you just imagine yourself in a dark room.”
The shudder that passes through your body was completely involuntary and, Yoongi notices it.
“You don’t have to, we can think of something else.” He assures, his almond shaped eyes, wrinkled slightly in concern. You shook your head insistently, putting on a brave face.
“No, its ok…I can do it. I won’t be alone so, it will be a little easier.” You force smile onto your mouth but, Yoongi isn’t buying it. Thankfully, he decides to accept your statement anyway.
“Does tonight work for you? I have a free Tuesday for once so, I figured we could do yours today and mine on Thursday.” Yoongi’s suggests, his demeanor returning to normal. You nod, leaning back in your chair, attempting to look casual but, your heart jumped slightly in your chest.
“Yeah, that’s fine, what time?” You needed to know how much time you had to straighten up because, you definitely left dirty dishes in the sink and, you were quite certain that you dropped a pair or two of clean underwear whilst running late this morning.
“Well, it doesn’t get dark until 7:30-8 so, maybe around then?” Yoongi cocks his head slightly, his eyes sleepy as usual. You had never had such a strong urge to tuck someone into bed and, kiss their forehead until you met Min Yoongi. That boy needs more sleep.
“I’m good with that yeah. Are we eating together or do you want to eat before you come?”
“I’ll bring something, I have a lot to make up for since somebody, decided to buy our tickets last week.” He gives you a pointed look, disapproval gracing his features. You laugh, shrugging shamelessly, looking up at him.
“I guess you better bring something good then.” You insist, smiling, nudging his desk with your foot.
————————————————————————————————–
It was that very conversation that led you to where you were now:  belly full of That’s Amore’s pasta, apartment tidied up, and Yoongi glancing over at you curiously.
“What?” You giggle lightly, confused at his intense gaze before, he nods over to you.
“Why are you afraid of the dark?” He murmurs, his tone cautious but curious.
You bite your lip, as you feel your body grow slightly uncomfortable. Meeting Yoongi’s gaze, you attempt to sound as brave as possible before, answering his question.
“I…used to have really bad nightmares as a kid. I had them every night for almost two years.” You admit, your eyes moving to stare at the couch instead of continuing to look at Yoongi. “My parents finally took me to a doctor and they told them that I would eventually just grow out of it. They gave me something to help me sleep through the night and, over time, the dreams finally stopped but, I slept with my light on until I was like 14.” You giggle, trying to lighten the mood, not really enjoying the serious tone of the conversation.
Yoongi nods, regarding you earnestly from the other end of the couch.
“I’m sorry.” He says softly and, you can tell that he means it. You smile over at him, brushing it off.
“No, its ok, it happened a long time ago. I’m just still not a huge fan of the dark.” You explain, finally meeting his gaze again.
“You don’t have to do this, you can just keep talking about it…I don’t want you to feel afraid.” He insists, his tone firm and certain.
You nod, your smile growing more genuine.
“I can do it. I think it will be good for me and, like I said, I won’t be alone so, I don’t think it will be too bad.” You’re lying. The dark terrified you but, logically, you understood that there was nothing dangerous about it. You know you can do this.
Yoongi nods but, you can tell that he’s uneasy, his movements cautious and hesitant as he looks around your apartment.
“Ok, do you want to start slow? We could just turn off the lights first; the streetlights shouldn’t make it too dark.” He assures you, nodding toward the window but, you shake your head at his suggestion.
“No, I think it’s better if we just do everything now. I think prolonging it will just make me more nervous.” Your voice is growing smaller and, once you catch that, you sit up straighter.  As if, sitting up straighter would lessen the fear you felt. “Let’s do this.”
Yoongi nods and the two of you move to start closing the curtains and turning off the few lamps that you have on in your apartment. You both stand on opposite ends of your living room as Yoongi’s hand hovers over the main light.
“Are you ready?” He calls softly, his face littered with concern.
You nod, smiling tightly, bracing yourself for the darkness.
“You have to protect me if a shadow demon tries to eat me!” You insist, giggling, trying to lessen the tension as Yoongi rolls his eyes.
“There’s no such thing as shadow demons.” He counters, smirking before, he nods anyway. “But, yeah, I guess I’ll protect you if that happens.”
Your heart is picking up its pace in your chest as you attempt to pull a deep breath from your nose.
Yoongi looks at you pointedly and, before another question can pass his lips, you nod to the light.
“Go ahead. I’m good.” You assure him, putting on the bravest voice you can find.
There’s a click and then, darkness envelops your apartment. You could never have imagined that your apartment could get to this level of darkness. The room was pitch black, you held your hand out in front of your face and you saw nothing but a faint blob.
“Are you ok?” Yoongi calls softly from the other end of the room.
Another shaky breath passes your lips as you attempt to calm yourself.
“Yeah, I’m good. I’m ok.” You assure him but, even you could tell that your tone wasn’t convincing. There’s a shuffling on the other end of the room that causes you to jump out of your skin. “What was that?”
“It’s just me; I’m trying to find my way to the couch.” Yoongi’s voice calms you and, you curse yourself for being so obviously afraid.
“Yeah, I should probably do that too. I don’t want to just stand here…vulnerable…where literally anything can attack me if it wanted to.” You muse casually and, this causes Yoongi to finally break out in his rickety laughter.
“Nothing is going to attack you, just come here and, be careful not to trip over anything. That’s the only real danger you need to worry about.” Yoongi’s voice is practically a whisper and, you use it to guide yourself to your sofa. You finally feel the familiar fabric and make your way around the arm of the couch before, tucking your body into one of the cushions. The heartbeat in your chest hasn’t lessened its pounding but, you feel slightly better that you’re not doing this alone.
“I made it.” You whisper but, Yoongi could already feel you sit down at the opposite end of the couch.
“How are you feeling?” Yoongi whispers back to you and, you feel yourself relaxing slightly at the sound of his voice. He really should be doing ASMR in his free time. Your mouth opens to lie again but, you end up sighing in defeat.
“I’m scared.” It’s the first time either of you have uttered this phrase since beginning your project and, you grow uneasy as you wait for his response.
“That’s ok.” He assures and then he falls silent for a moment. “I know it’s difficult for you. We can stop whenever you want.”
“I’m ok right now; my eyes are starting to adjust.”
Another moment of silence passes between the two of you and, you feel a familiar thickness in the air that seems to occur a lot when you and Yoongi are alone. You close your eyes for a moment, stifling your desire to mention it to him. He had made it very clear on the Ferris Wheel that he wasn’t interested in being with you that way… ‘right now.’
“You can…move closer to me, if you need to. I’m not sure if that will help but, you can try. I don’t mind.” Yoongi whispers and, his offer catches you completely off guard. Should you move closer to him?
Silently, you scoot your body down the length of the couch until you feel your shins meet Yoongi’s feet. He must have been sitting cross-legged on the couch and, now that you’re closer to him, you can make out his posture. He’s sitting with his legs crossed, his body turned to face the direction you were sitting, while his hands rested in his lap.
“Thank you.” You whisper, and you can sort of make out the faint smile ( :] ) on his lips.
“Is it any better?”
“Yeah, it is, actually, thanks.” You repeat your gratitude and you finally start to feel the anxiety subsiding from your chest. Yoongi was warm and, he smelt like berries and the ocean? An odd yet tantalizing combination that, in all honesty, made your stomach tighten. His hands are adorned with a few rings and your eyes squint in curiosity as you try to make out what they look like; regretting that you hadn’t checked them out when the lights were on.
“What are you trying to look at?” Yoongi’s whisper causes you to smile as  you realize that his eyes were also adjusted to the darkness and, he was probably wondering why you were staring intently at his lap.
“Your rings.” You giggle, your head jerking their direction. At your answer, Yoongi’s fingers flutter lightly in response, his head turning down to look at them.
“Oh, yeah, I don’t wear these a lot but, my roommate Namjoon got them for me and, started giving me shit for not liking them. So, I made a point to wear them more.” He explains his tone one of fondness and annoyance. Another laugh passes your lips as you nod in understanding.
“They look nice. Namjoon has good taste.” You compliment, feeling far more comfortable.
“Yeah, he’s alright, I guess.” Yoongi jests but, you know he doesn’t mean what he says, always hiding behind a snarky comment. Before you can speak again, Yoongi holds one of his hands out to you. “You can look at them if you want.”
Your heart stalls a moment as you look at Yoongi’s out stretched hand. The hand that had been on your own lap comes up to bring Yoongi’s closer to your view. The rings were actually beautiful and, you were thankful that the tiniest amount of light had escaped through the curtains so you could properly see them. There were four of them each covered in silver, the engravings depicting the four elements: Earth, fire, water, and air. You smile as your fingers gently examine Yoongi’s rings (hand). His hands were one of your favorite things about him. They were nearly double the size of your own, blue and green veins pushed slightly against the surface, fingernails bitten out of what you could assume as nervousness.  There is a light increase in your heart rate as you continue to examine Yoongi’s hand and, if he had noticed that you stopped looking at his rings, he wasn’t showing it. You tilt his hand up so, its perpendicular to your own, your fingertips only reaching the middle of his fingers, as you place your palm against his hand.
“Your hand is small.” Yoongi whispers but, this time, you detect a different tone from him that you can’t say you’ve ever heard before.
A small smile graces your mouth as you nod.
“Against yours it is.” The whisper that leaves your lips is almost in audible, your eyes find Yoongi’s and, you find him staring back at you, the faint streetlight illuminating his face. The two of you stare at each other as you feel Yoongi’s fingers lace with your own. Your heart beats wildly in your chest as you lick your lips in attempt to compensate for the dryness in your mouth. Without warning, the two of you are leaning towards each other, your shaky breathing intertwining momentarily before, your lips press together. Yoongi audibly lets out a sigh of what literally sounds like relief as he mold his lips against yours. You rise up on your knees lightly, in an attempt to get closer to him, your free hand coming up to gently touch his face. The butterflies that had been taunting you for the past month erupt in your stomach, your heart racketing against your sternum. Yoongi’s hand that was interlaced with yours slips out of your grip and, settles on your waist instead, pulling you into his body. Your lips are beginning to move against one another and, you actually feel Yoongi’s heartbeat rattling against your hand. The thought of you having that effect on him, makes you clench between your thighs. Your body moves to make its way into his lap but, before you make it there, Yoongi is slowly pulling away. He seems reluctant to stop, his swollen lips still pecking against yours as he presses his forehead to your own.
“I don’t want to stop but, I think…”His breathing is too ragged for him to speak properly, and you press your lips to his cheek in an attempt to sooth him, even though, your breathing is just as bad. “We….should slow down….”
You nod in agreement but, relish in the fact that Yoongi is still holding you close to him, your body leaning into his chest.
“You’re right.” You whisper in return, your breath just as shaky as Yoongi maneuvers you so, that you’re tucked into the side of his body. Your hand rests on his chest and you smile as you feel his heart pummeling against the palm of your hand. The two of you lay there for a moment in complete silence, Yoongi’s fingers play with your own  as you wait for the other to say something.
Surprisingly enough, it’s Yoongi who breaks the silence, his raspy whisper penetrating the darkness around you.
“Are you still scared?” He whispers softly, his eyes finding yours.
You look up towards him, a soft smile on your lips.
“No.”
Yoongi smiles back at you and, you can’t help but notice how shy he’s being, his eyes softer than you have ever seen before.
“Good.”
Maybe, the dark wasn’t so bad after all.
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dfwemelie · 5 years
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May 2019
May 1st, nothing really that special happened today. We made icecream in Culinary and Carlos got really excited cause their were sugar cones. Izzy ate the most icecream out of all of us and hes lactose intolerant so he was hurting afterwards.
May 2nd, I was really stressed out this motning cause I havent finished my dress for the Fashion show tomorrow and it was raining and thundering. I had to stay after school for Fashion till 4 and I stayed with Scott after that until 5:30. I like staying after with him. We just makeout and talk and get paranoid about cars passing by. I think today we made out for 25 minutes straight which is a new record lol. He tops himself every fucking time and it’s so hot. Like holy shit because makeout sessions ever.
May 3rd, today was the fashion show and I was really stressed out at first but I ended up finishing my dress. The problem was that it was extremely short so I kept having to pull it down so you wouldnt be able to see my shorts under it. Seth and Aj were their watching their girlfriends and both of them took videos of me and sent it to Scotty. He said I looked beautiful. I met Kelly’s mom and sister and they seem really nice. I havent ate since Chickfila this morning and I’m starting to get really hungry/hangry. I might make me food but idk yet.
May 4th, Lots of pain occurred today. I woke up at 7:35 to get ready for the Nami Walk. Once my grandparents picked me up we got to Chickfila and headed to the Sam Houston State Park in Houston. The walk started around 9:30 and we finished at 11 only because my meme and Mrs.Pat walk so slow. It was fun overall but my feet were killing me and the back of my left leg was hurting alot and idk why. After the walk we headed to Galveston to meet up with my family. We stayed at the beach for an hour then went home. I ate a little bit and took a shower and now I’m here. I’m currently watching Thor Ragnarok cause it’s the only Marvel Avengers movie I havent seen.
May 5th, Cincooooo De Mayooooo. I didnt really do anything today besides sleep. I woke up at 3am for no reason then fell asleep. then woke up at 7 then fell back asleep at 1 till 5. I dont think I will br falling asleep early tonight cause I’ve slept so much. Scotty got to drink a margarita and I’m jealous. Also Ghala and Kaylie are so fucking cute and I stan them sooo much.
May 10th, damn. I told myself I would do this more often, bitch I havent done it in 5 days. Let’s talk about yesterday, May 9th. Scotty and I stayed afterschool (nothing new) and he was sitting down and I was ontop of him and we were making out. This BITCH flips me over to the ground, puts his hand down my pants, and…yeah…not actually touching me, just through my underwear. I was very ShOoK by this but I didnt stop him cause it felt really really fucking good. Like I’m not complaining.(I hate the word moaning so I use cake) Lots of cake was happening and he end up getting a boner. He has actually been getting them since we first started staying afterschool and I didnt know lol. I almost ended up having an orgasm but cars kept driving by and I told him if I see a car then he has to stop. I’ve never ever gotten this close with a guy. Not complaining. While cars were going by we kept telling weird sex related stories to eachother. He told me how when he was little his parents used the word dessert instead of condoms when he was around. Then his older brother told him what it meant and he was shook. On his 13th birthday his dad said he had a surprise birthday present in his drawer that didnt get opened at his party. He asked what it was and his dad said dessert. There were condoms in the bottom drawer of his dresser lol. Scotty also told me that he has personally bought different ones to use for future purposes. Now listen, I know its gonna be with me. I want our first times to be with eachother. That sounds strange but I love him and I want to lol but not now. Scotty wants me to go over to his house on his birthday to meet his parents. He also wants his birthday present from me to be us doing it. I said that’s not happening for a long ass time cause it’s too early and I’m not ready yet, even though I want him to be my first.
Different topic lol. Yesterday we got hit with some really bad weather and it fucked up my sleep schedule. I fell asleep at like 9pm then woke up at 11 then woke up at 2 then stayed awake till 4:30 then woke up at 5 then work up at 11. Like wtf??
May 12th, wow get ur shit together lol, do this more. Its official, I will be going over to Scott’s house if I get my gas laws homework packet done. My mom thinks I’m going over to Kaylies house, I hope she buys it. Im extremely nervous about meeting his parents, I’m hoping I’ll make a good first impression. Ive never met a boyfriends parents before so idk what to expect. I sent Kaylie a bunch videos about me deciding on what I’m gonna wear. I’ve decided on curled hair, light natural makeup, my blue ripped Jean’s, and either a red or blue shirt. I dont know how to act ugghhh.
Today I went over to my grandparents house and it was okay ig. My cousin Coleson came over and I was excited about that. He is my favorite cousin by far. I played basketball and ate food. I also drove from their house and back twice and I did pretty good. I wish I could talk to Scott but I dont want to interrupt his time with his mom cause it is Mothers day after all.
May 13th, I feel sick sksksks. like a vomit kind of sick and I feel like my limbs are weak and they are kinda shaking. It’s making me scared asf. I hope it will go away soon. I dont like feeling like this cause it gives me really bad anxiety and makes me have anxiety attacks. I’ve been getting alot of anxiety and panic attacks since sophmore year started
May 16th, Wow I really need to start doing this more often. Yesterday was Scott and I’s one month and he made a really cute video and I love it so much. I am still super nervous about Sunday, for alot of reasons. First I gotta meet his parents and idk how im gonna do that. I don’t know how to act or anything. Also Scott said its a shoes off house and I don’t want them seeing the cuts on my ankles. I’ll try to wear socks that cover them, I mean im gonna have to since i also wanna cover my 2 ankle tattoos. Also Scott says he wants to have sex. I don’t know if im ready for that yet. I’ve been thinking about it alot, mostly what would go wrong. Of course we would use condoms but they are only effective 98% of the time. I’m mainly worried about if I am gonna get pregnant or not. I can’t get pregnant. My life would be over. I’m saying this now, which is very contriversal, I would have an abortion. Yes its a human person who probably deserves to live but I just cant do that. I cant be pregnant. I don’t want to focus on all the bad stuff about sex, but the good stuff too. It supposedly has alot of health benefits. I don’t know how to do it though. Like I know how, but at the same time I don’t. Ya know? I also think we should wait to do it but in Scotts words, “I don’t plan on breaking up with you ever so we arent gonna get the opportunity to do it for a long time. So why not do it now when its gonna happen eventually.” I think im gonna do it. Talking about it makes me feel less nervous and weve been talking about it more and more since his birthday is in like 3 days. I want to talk to Kaylie about it but im scared she might say its too early. I know shes gonna support me in whatever I do, but I still want her opinion on it. I also nervous about Scott’s parents or siblings knocking on the door while we are in the middle of having sex. Scott always has his door locked which is good for the both of us. I know his older brother wouldnt bother us cause he’s like a cool brother and knows whats going on lol. I hope it doesnt happen but it might, just might be his mom checking up on us. I think im ready. Im nervous, but I want to do it with him. Im not being pressured into doing it by the way. He knows that if i dont want to do it, he won’t try, we would do what we normally do afterschool, but in his bed. 
I should probably talk about what has happened today instead of talking about sex lol. Nothing special really happened. Scott wanted me to go eat lunch with him and I said no. 1. I dont like school lunches, and 2. I don’t want to sit even remotely near Derek, and 3. I don’t eat lol. I kept telling him he should go eat and he said ok. I just layed down on a couch on my phone alone. Felt like old times, when I had no one to sit with so i just listened to emo bitch music. Good times, good times. 
May 17th, I had to take out my nose stud for pictures in Journalism and my piercing closed. At around 10pm I repeirced it with a thumbtack in the wall. I put a part of an earring in so it doesnt close overnight and now I have to sleep like that till I can go to the mall tmrw and get some more.
May 18th, I went to the mall and got some new piercings. I got a black star, blue ball, black hoop, purple gem, silver star, and a skull. I'm wearing the black hoop right now since it's my favorite. The skull makes me look emo lol. I'm really nervous about going to Scott's tmrw. Wish me luck
May 19th, Ok so I just got back from Scott's house. When my parents dropped me off they wanted one of them to walk to the door with me. I legit begged them not to. They wanted to make sure at least one parent was home so Scott's mom went out and waved. She also said she was Scott's mom but I dont think my parents thought anything of it since they didnt say anything to me yet about it. I met alot of people like his stepmom, stepdad, mom, all his siblings, some of his cousins, aunt and uncle, grandmas, and dog. His step dad was really funny and made alot of jokes. His step mom and I were talking a bunch about how cute JJ Watt and Tom Holland is and Harry Potter. We had pie and a bunch of us went up to his room and just messed around. His older brothers Damian and Ralph were messing with us and it was funny. My mom decided to be an asshole and picked me up 30 minutes early. I wish I could've stayed longer but Aunt Mandy and her boyfriend James are coming over to watch some wrestling thing. I'm glad I got to see Scott on his birthday. He seemed happy.
May 21st, I texted my mom yesterday about Scott, how we are dating, and how I lied and said I was at his house meeting his parents instead of going to Kaylies house. I thought I would be in really big trouble since I lied but apparently I wasnt. When I went downstairs to talk to them they were just happy i finally opened up and told them something about my personal life lol. They didn't ask that many questions about him which is a good thing cause i dont like questions, they make me feel uncomfortable. They know hes getting his license soon so my dad said we are gonna have to talk about people driving me around, other than Michael and his mom. I think it's just gonna be about not leaving the state and just staying close by to our house. At least I hope that's what it's only gonna be about. Knowing them, they are gonna put a bunch of restrictions. I'm pretty sure they would also want to meet Scotty before he drives me anywhere. They are 100% gonna make fun of him for driving a mini cooper lol, I already do. I'm actually really nervous about him meeting my parents, both sets. Ik I was nervous about meeting his but I think I'm more nervous about him meeting mine. I dont know how anyone is gonna react. Gavin is gonna be all weird and would want to talk alot lol. Gavin likes Scott, I really dont know why. Makes me nervous just thinking about it.
I took Scottys keys in Journalism today lol. It was cool just carrying them around. Made me feel like I actually had my own car even though there is a keychain with Scott's name on it. When he was walking me to class he took them back and I got offended. That's all that's happened so far lol.
May 23rd, I cried myself to sleep last night. Lol what a great way to start an entry. Basically I felt like I ruin everything I touch and somehow I was gonna ruin my relationship with Scott. He tried making me feel better but it didnt really work. Anyways, today has been kinda an off day. I dont know what it is about today, just not a good day. Haven’t been in the best mood since last night, but it’s fine..im fine. Everyone has their off days and I guess today is mine,  
May 24th, Yesterday Scotty was acting kinda weird so I typed him out a little paragraph to at least try to make him happy and all he sent back was "Love you too". I'll admit, it was a little bit frustrating spending all that time on that and getting a short response but its fine.
May 25th, I'm spending the night at Kelly's, well actually I already did. We went night swimming and it was fun. I woke up at 5am cause I was in so much pain and now I'm in even more. I just love bleeding internally and having cramps that make me feel like I'm gonna vomit. I tried looking for some aspirin or advil but I couldnt find any which is just so fucking great for me. Yeah anyways, I'm in alot of pain, feel like I'm go throw up, kill me to end my suffering
May 28th, wow yeah love procrastinating this lol. I had my Journalism and Child Development finals today so basically I did nothing at school. I accidentally stole Scotts key for the entire day and I was lowkey panicking cause I didn't know if I was gonna have the opportunity to give them back. I mainly played on my phone in Journalism. We judged the class Photo Safari and my group got 1st place in two of the categories and got 2nd overall. I was really surprised the portrait of me won cause I don’t think I look that great but apparently the yearbook staff thinks so. Thanks Avery :’) Our child development final was easy. We basically just had to write down about something interesting we learned and 3 jobs associated with child care. After that I got out a piece of paper wrote down everything I was thinking cause I cant actually say it or else I think people would hate me. But I basically wrote how I think Scott doesn't understand how I am feeling and my bipolar and depression and about an Instagram comment about something I really shouldn't be worrying about. Also I was writing on their how I am a stupid piece of shit who doesn’t deserve anything in her life cause she is just gonna fuck it up anyways just like she always does. I got done with that and the bell rang. I went to meet up with Scott and give him his keys then he walked with me for a little bit before he had to go talk to his teacher. Seeing him makes me happy, one of the few things that make me happy in this cruel world anymore. My dad called me and told me I had to get all of my work done tonight or else I would get my phone taken away all summer. I just don’t have the motivation to do this or anything for that matter. I’m gonna fucking fail anyways, might as well just deal with it. 
I don’t feel anything anymore. No pain. No happiness. I am simply just...here. Maybe that's why I do it. To feel something...anything. I don’t care if it gives me pain I just want to feel human again. 
Anyways. goodbye. Ig ill see ya in the next entry if im not already dead yet.
May 29th, today overall has been pretty good. I helped Cameron, Drew, Kaleb, Cassie, and others on the Geometry final. Which basically means I gave them all the answers. Cameron was 2 rows away from me so I texted them to him. I also took my Chemistry final today and I already know I failed that bitch. My parents are making me go to summer school for it which is no bueno. After the last bell rang I got to walk with Scott to the back doors. I don't want school to him. I'm gonna miss seeing him everyday. Tomorrow is the last day of school which means it's Izzys last day. I already know damn well I'm gonna fucking cry. I don't want him to leave but hes moving so their is nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow I'm gonna tell him how much of an amazing friend he has been and that everything will get better in the end. I dont want it to be tomorrow.
May 30th, Last day of school and just as I expected, I cried...alot. I didnt have a chance to say goodbye to Izzy like I wanted which made me very upset. I actually liked going to school, just not the learning. Seeing all my friends was the only thing I looked forward to. Now I have nothing. Once Scott gets his license we will be able to hang out but I want that to happen now, not in like a month. I said goodbye to Avery, Kaylie, Carlos, and all my teachers. I'm gonna miss it. But hey, I'm finally a junior. 2 more years then we can move to California. Maybe I'll start looking forward to that. I have to go to summer school and I'm really not excited about that, I know alot of people that are going which kinda makes me feel better ig.
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dragon5kulls-blog · 5 years
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Losing Her
Losing the one person I've ever told "I love you"....her. (lets call her Guava, cause that was a nickname given to her cause she likes guava juice/soda) I've always been very closed, reserved, and if you would know me IRL, you would of never noticed me sad, depressed. You would just seen me as somewhere in between quiet and calm, but that is because I have always been great at hiding emotions. We broke up about 12 hours ago. She was my first. 16 years single until about a month ago for the very reason that I knew that I would get so attached and it would hurt the day they left. Scared of losing someone I love. It was an LDR which most people say really ever works out, and even knowing this, I still gave her a chance. We first met on discord, march/29/2019 a friday, and I would normally just pop in different channels and my typical lines were "oh yeah yeah" "oh no no" and "oh boi". She told me that she was in one of the channels were I joined and she repeated back what i was saying, and it went for a bit, until i went to another channel. Now its march 30, and I went around playing piano to others. There was this one guy who could sing and I started to voice record, me playing bich lasagna and him singing it. Then I went to another channel, were there she was again. It was a channel with 4 other people in it. I joined into her telling a FanFic about...Hitler and Jesus . Yep... and i'm not religious myself but I was (still am for about 2 more weeks) in a catholic class on Sundays, so yeah....oh boi. It was weird, but I was bored, so I stayed in the voice channel. We decided to just make a group chat just for us 5 people so she could finish the FanFic. She read it, we had our reactions and we just kept talking on that call. After some time, one by one they left the call until it was just me and her, we talked for a couple of min until I said that i'm just going to head back to the there server because it was a bit awkward now since I never had female friends, except for one who i met online( lets call her Mia), and neither have I been interested in being in a relationship so it just felt a bit weird. When I told her i was just about just head out and go back to the server, she told something along the lines of "oh, you just gona leave the call, i see how it is" and that very day, I had the choice to stay or to go. As I said, I would of always just left and not think about it, but I something something different this time. I chose to stay. We talked about my Dog named Max, cutest dog ever, yeah he isn't really well with other dogs, but he was my little max. At some point in life I did feel suicidal for other reasons that involved my parents, me, and my brothers. But thanks to max, whenever I used to start thinking about just ending the pain that went on for months, I would always look at max and start cuddling with him. Thanks to him and Mia, a friend that i trusted enough to talk about the situation i was in at the moment, i would always stop myself and feel a bit better. We talked about a few other things too, by this time its been around an hour or so that we have been talking and i receive a dm from one of the people that was in that group (lets call her Caitlin). Caitlin saw that we were still in the call and just typed "i ship it" and i was like uh, oh no no. and she told me, why not. I said that i wasn't here for that, and she told me, there is no harm in sliding in Guava dm's and getting to know her. So Caitlin now joins the call as well and asked her how old Guava was, and she said 16, she asked me and i said 16, then Caitlin sent me a dm saying to go for it, i just kinda ignored it. So I talked for a few more min to both of them, until i told them I was goin to the store real quick, so I just muted and left. When i came back I un-muted and said my usual phrase "oh yeah yeah, im back boi" and they was like oh, hi again. The three of us were talking about music and a few other things. Because this Sunday church class was close to where my mom and brothers lived, every Saturday my dad would drive me to my moms house in the afternoon and pick me up the next day. So I told them that I had to go, said bye and just left the call. About 3 min later as i'm getting my stuff ready to go, I receive a dm this time from Guava saying "where did you go ?:(" and i told her that my brothers came over and that i had to go to their place. Then she told me if i will send pictures of max, i told her, if I remember then yeah. Then her next text was " he’s sO cute(like me), you better remember" so I kinda avoided responding to her dm by talking about something else, a few the rest of the text were from her saying " it’s like almost 3pm over there right?" I said "Yep" then she said "it’s so sad, well can you do me a favor before you go >:0" i asked "Wut" she said "call real quick and say oh yea yea :’o" So obviously i already can tell she kinda into me. So I finish packing up my stuff and go back to my laptop to shut it down, but as im closing apps, i see that I left the voice recorder on, and im sitting there like, oops. and so I was hearing the audio so i can know when to edit out the rest that wasn't the guy that singed bich lasagna. I got a bit curious and remembered that they were talking when I left to the store earlier, and so I skipped to that part where I muted my self and left. Caitlin asked her what were we talking about and she said about max and a few other things and that I seemed cute. Caitlin told her to slide in my dm''s then, and Guava sounded unsure, so Caitlin told her that she should just said "fuk it" "just go for it". At this point I was surprised, I ended up saving that part of the recording but had to go now cause my dad was waiting for me in the car. So i'm at my mom's house and its around like 6pm for me, and she is in a different time zone, 6 hours ahead. So i decided to call her, forgetting that its 12pm for her, but she picked up. I showed her max for a while and then went back to just voice chat. We talked for a bit more and then they left the call again. i talked to guava for while again until like a half an hour later when I realized that she has fallen asleep on the call. so i'm like, 0of, her phones battery is gona be dead when she wake up. So I ended up get a call from the group chat shortly after. The rest of the group chat we talking and I told Caitlin that Guava fell asleep on the call, Caitlin just said, cute, I responded with "oh no no". So we stayed on the group call for about 2 more hours, Once in a while I checked on Guava to check if she still had the call open, and she did, I joined once in a while and said "Oh yeah yeah" I even texted her that im tying to wake her up cause her phone was gona die. At around 9, I started watching youtube and getting ready to sleep at around 11. Its Sunday morning and I wake up to a text from her saying " i-, my phone is always on battery save, so it can literally survive on 1% for an hour, I woke up alone still in the call at 8am with 3%, thanks tho, for trynna wake me up" I told her that I joined once in a while and said Oh yeah yeah, she said that was cute and she wish she would of woken up, but the way I say Oh yeah yeah is soothing, so of course she wouldn't wake up, I and so I say, wut... that's a first. To switch up the convo, I told her that Max has just woken up and she wanted to see him. The room was dark and i didn't want to turn on the light cause I didn't want to wake u my brother, so instead I sent her pictures of Max, and then we sent each other a bit of memes. That was that for the day, Monday comes, and i remember that she is 6 hours ahead, so at 12:42pm my time I sent her a text saying to wake up cause its time for school, and she said she still had time for a few more min of sleep and then asked me if I shouldn't be asleep. I told her thats its 12:42pm and she told me to not stay up to late. I told her why not, she stays up late too, and then she asked me if she can send the pic of me to Caitlin. Yesterday she asked for a pic of me, and was saying nah, im good. She kinda ended up pressuring me to send it, so I was like fine. I sent her a pic that I took about 3 months ago of me and max laying down. So she's asking if she could send it to Caitlin cause she wanted to know how I looked like too. It was time for her to go school by now so she just tells me goodnight. I went to sleep and then I left to school. Came back and then we were just texting for a while, then we just called for a while till she left to eat. About and hour and a half passed by now and decided to give her a call, she didn't pick up so I just went back to the other Server and talked to other random people. She texts me back like 30 min later saying sorry that she was busy playing minecraft, and so i tell her, nice, me and another friend from school were planning to play minecraft, but he never picked up. Then I tell her to go to sleep cause for her it was 2am, she just replied with "no u". We texted for a few more min, and then I remember that the day before, she wanted me to learn a song on the piano, so I told her before she goes to sleep, if I can call real quick if she wants to hear the bit that I learned, she said yeah. I called her and showed her the bit that I was practicing and then we just talked for a few more min. Then again, she fell asleep on the call, and of course I stayed on the call this time and said oh yeah yeah once in a while. After a few hours she just left the call with out saying anything, so im like...ok. Discord bot kicked me from the call after 5 min. I stay up till like 2am again and she text me saying, damn, that she didn't know she fell asleep on the call again. I told her that I did the same thing, saying oh yeah yeah once in a while. I went to sleep, and woke up to her text that said she felt tired cause she stays up late too, and I tell her "oh boi". I had to go to school but I wanted to keep talking to her, so I skipped my first period class and kept texting her. She told me she doesn't want to go to work, and she told the time she has work and then we were talking about other stuff too. I went to school late, we made cookies in class that day, and so when I came back, I told her what we did and so on. She ended up reading stories she found online and then would you rather. We ended up talking about, lets just say, "stuff" as well, and then I decided to show her the voice recording, and we talked. I told her that I have never been in a relationship and idk. After that, everyday we talked every time we could, and on April 3rd, I showed her the screenshots of Caitlin that she was telling me to go for it and stuff, she also showed me screenshots that Caitlin told her too. We talked every single day playing minecraft, watching movies by screen sharing my screen, anything that just had us on a call. On April 14 we even stayed on the call for 14 hours, and we had an idea, to see if we could even do a 24 hour call. This was also the day in which i opened up to her about the stuff I've been through in the past, which was hard, but I trusted her. She is a big fan of Marvel, mainly Spider-man, in particular Tom Holland. and we planned to see Endgame the same day it came out. Whenever we couldn't get on a call for reasons, I would still text her, and she told me, "why is time going so slow when I’m not talking with you" and I would say the same, but at the same time it when ever we were on a call, it also felt like forever, but it a good way, in which I enjoyed every single second of it. One of the other things we did was having my webcam facing the table and we both just draw. Fast forward to 26 of April, Another thing we did was that during her lunch periods at school, she would always call me, so we are talking, and then she says she has to go they got an announcement that told everyone to meet up. She texts me a bit later and tells me that there was something that happened at her school, they were all crying cause they had a teacher that just passed away in the building. This was also the same day we both we gona see Endgame. We keep talking like normal again. On the 28 of April is when I finally said yes to her. I started to get to school late and leave early often because I wanted to talk to her. I always use to soft talk her to sleep to now, it was our thing where we just keep the call on while we sleep too. A few of the times where she was sleeping, she mumbled "I love you". This was one of the many things I found adorable about her, like the way she giggled when I used to make her laugh, when on Saturdays it was me who woke up to her voice on the call, whenever I was feeling sick she used to just say in a soft voice "don't worry about it", we used to tell each other to imagine what a warm hug from us would feel, and we had our little nicknames for each other too, and another thing that we used to said was "I love you 3000". So now its May 5, and this day we were sent to a catholic retreat that was required to pass this church class. Like a week before this day, my mom called to let me know I had to go there, the first thing I did was that I told her that I had to go to this place for 3 days, cause that is what I was told. I told her that If I wasn't able to call, ill at least text her whenever I can. So the day comes and i'm letting her know that i'm in the car with the teacher and the other 2 people that was going too. So I made sure to let her know when I get on the car, and when we got there. So we get of the car and I have my backpack with cloths and stuff, thinking that we just gona walk in and see what this is all about, but before we left the car, the teacher told us that we had to leave our phones in the car for now. So i'm like, ok, maybe they just want to make sure we pay attention to where we were, what we gona do, ect. So before I left my phone, I texted her that our teacher told us to leave the phones in the car. We left them and went in. We went to a place that was like a hotel, they had our names already, took our bags, and told us to go to a bigger room. Here is where there was like 50 other people too. So i'm like wow. We just standing there wondering what is we going to do now. They explain the schedule and said we were goin to have a room with a roomate, so im like, dope. So after like an hour of talking and getting to know one another a bit, they tell us we can now go to our rooms and rest. So im like, yess, im feeling tired and I already miss my baby nugget, that was one of our little nicknames. So as people were heading to their rooms, I start to look for our teacher to ask him for my phone now, he ends up saying that we aren't getting them back till this is over, because he wants us to fully live this experience we were going to get. So at this point, in the inside I start to feel sad and mad because I promised Guava that I would have communication with her. I felt like I was going to let her down. I head to my room and see my roomate, I say whats up to him and then we just start to talk for a bit, he 19 and was very chill and nice to talk too. By this time its late and I was bored, and then I remembered that I had a notebook in my bag, so I take that out and a pencil, then I start writing exactly the way I would text her, It started with like 2 sentences and I thought by the time we leave this place, I would have like possibly 2 whole pages written down, but nope, I ended up writing 15 pages, top to bottom, and I even drew a rose for her one of those days. They had the windows covered with stuff and there wasn't any clocks, so we didn't really have a concept of time, those 3-4 days actually felt like 1-2 weeks, but I kept writing about what we did, the people I met, the food, but mainly how much I missed her. As I said before, i'm not religious my self but the stuff that was said there, really did make us change the way we saw stuff. We promised to not say what was spoken over there, cause what was said there, stays there. But Ill briefly talk about what changed with me. Growing up I never treated my brother, like an actual brother, and thinking back at it, he has always been there for me, but I can't say the same for him. There was times where he has taken the blame and punishments that I was responsible for, treated him a bit like shit, always distanced my self from my family members, I never gave him that trust with him. He is about a year and a half younger than me, and I regretted so much how I never acted like his older brother, someone he can can talk to if stuff was bothering him, someone he could trust. So what I ended up picking up there myself was to be grateful for having him there for me, even though I haven't before to him. I ended up promising to myself that I would trust him and I want to be there for him as well. Since I always been reserved, nobody in my family knew I was dating Guava. So I promised myself that once I go back, I will tell my brother everything, how the situation with our parent affected me, how I knew that he used go to sleep crying cause he hated seeing my parents like that and I never said or did anything. I also wanted to tell him about me and Guava. So the day finally comes, May 5th, the day we get to go back, when I saw the teacher I rushed to him as he was getting out his car and I didn't say hi or anything, I wanted my phone so badly so I can text to my baby nugget, cause it felt like almost 2 weeks with out her. So i'm turning on my phone expecting texts from her saying she missed me too. I open discord and I see " i already miss your voice in the morning", "i missed your voice at work", "and rn laying in my bed", " i cant sleep:( ", " i miss my baby nugget", " i need your voice to help me sleep" on May 3rd. Then on May 4th "weekend..", "and again, I miss you", " this is weird", "I really miss you and it hurts", "it randomly just happens and I go “aw I miss my baby nugget” and almost cry ". And this is when it really hurt, in the afternoon that day, she started saying " honestly fuk you for making me fall for you ", " I bet you haven’t even thought about me these 2-3 days ", " and im over here missing you like crazy ", " its stupid ", " i guess you’re gonna be back tomorrow right? ", " I told you it was probably gonna end it:( ", " ew I just realised I’ve been spamming you with “updates” ", " goodbye baby nugget ", " i mean eduardo " (thats my real name btw), " welp i can’t sleep ", " i mean you said 3 days, today is basically the 3rd, i guess you’ll be home tomorrow then ", " i wonder if something happened ", " i hope you’re having fun ". May 5th, earlier in the day when I still didn't have my phone, " i have 4 theories ", " 1. you aren’t back yet, so you’re still at the camp ", " 2. I was right and it ends here ", " 3. you lost your phone and your dad didn’t give your laptop back ", " 4. something (bad) happened to you ", " number 4 is bad and im hoping that’s not it, please rather number 2 than 4 ", " i have my first exam tomorrow, I’d hoped you’d be back in time to wish me good luck ". I got my phone back later in the day and responded with "I LOVE YOU" and then told her that they took my phone for those days, and that of course I was thinking of her all the time. I told her that I missed her so much and also wished her luck on her test. My battery was at 2% by this time since its just been in a car or wherever he kept them for those days. She ends up responding with " fuck you " and I responded with " No, baby why ??? 1% btw ", " I LOVE YOU ". She texted back " I hate you ". Since I've never been in a relationship before or been close to anyone like that, I haven't ever felt this kind of pain before. But I was in a larger van with more people heading back home, all I wanted was to cry and hug her as I tell her that i'm sorry for not being able to to talk to her those days, it felt like I loss her. I wanted to cry so badly but there was others around so I held it in, and for those who hold in pain like that, you know how that tight feeling around your throat and that intense pressure around your head. I tried to go to sleep until we got back home, but I couldn't when we finally got back to our church, we went to the basement and there was most of our family members waiting for us. We sat at some tables in the front while they were were all in chairs facing us. Our Aux's (that is what the people that took us through everything, like teachers, but they also went through stuff like we did) they were standing on the side giving mini speeches on how going over there helped us each with different things. We also talked about how our experience was and the new friends that we got close to. But I was kinda shaking while I was talking, not because I was nervous, but because I remembered what Guava told me. Its now like 9pm and I charged my phone while I took a shower. I went back to my phone and texted her again that I love her and that i'm sorry for not having my phone those days. I went to the kitchen and started to take pictures of each page of that notebook and sent them to her. I told her that it wasn't even my fault that they took our phones and how I was feeling when I saw those texts. Next morning, May 6 Monday, she responds saying that she didn't mean it, and she read most of the pages, and she had to go take the exam. She also has religious parents and in their religion, she was starting Fasting that day too, which she told me that they were going to eat at 9:30pm and 3:15am their time. She also says " we need to talk.. ", " I thought a lot while you were away ". I come back from school and text her that i'm home, she doesn't respond, a couple min later I decide to call her, she doesn't pick up. I text her that ill be watching youtube till she calls back. Around an hour goes by and I decide to call again, no answer. Like 5 min later I text her by her real name, and then she responds with "what". Instantly I knew what was going on, but I acted like I didn't know, so I just told her that ill be on my laptop in a bit. She tells me again that she still wants to talk about something, I called her and she picked up this time. She ended up telling me that those days gave her time to think, and she said we were moving to fast, and she wanted to take it slow and take it back to before we were a thing. I didn't know what to say. I try to not sound upset, I just said, it was her decision if if she wanted to take things to before we were a thing, then fine. I left the call and went to take a shower. She texted me again at around 1am the next day telling me that she has her math exam and she is stressed. I tell her good luck on her test, and she replies with " thanks baby nugget " and then tells me to go to sleep. At this point i'm confused now, cause she made me feel "that way" the day before, saying she wanted to take it back before we were a thing. After she told me to go to sleep, I just say, Fine. About 10 min pass and she texts me back saying she forgot something at home, and I just say Oof. She says its a good thing that she lives 5 min away from her school, and I just start answering the same way I would text other "friends". She tells me that she ran and got it, I just say, great. Now she starts to ask "baby nugget, are you okay?" And i'm just so confused/stressed, but I tell her yeah, i'm good. Later on in the day, she asks me if I want to call. I was about to say no, but I ended up saying yeah. We talked again for a few hours and ended up agreeing on taking it slow, so I went back to being more reserved from her, act like there wasn't anything but an online friendship. Wednesday May 8th, instead of texting her, I decide to go to the server and talk to some random people again. Half an hour later I see that she is also joining channels, so I try to avoid her so its not awkward. Sometime later, she texted me that she sees me going around the server and that I haven't text her. I just tell her that someone was playing guitar and I was bored. We text just a little bit, and she ends up saying " we barely talk, it’s sad ", so i'm still confused and simply just asked her if she wants to call or not, she says maybe, so I say " im not gona rush anything u dont want, i talked to someone for help, and they told me to not rush u, but just wait". The person that I asked for help was that online friend named Mia. Guava ends up saying " just call me already " and so I did. She told me that even though she wants to take it slow, she doesn't want me going back to being reserved. We talked for a while until she fell asleep again. She woke up a few hours later, as I was about to go to sleep. I asked her if she knew that the new season for Lucifer finally came out, she said yeah, she knows, we both like watching that show. After like 10 min of talking, I told her that she should just go back to sleep because its 3am for her and she tells me, " baby nugget nO ". To be honest, at this point I kinda started to just feel frustrated because I felt like she was just playing around, saying she wants to take it slow, but then calling me, baby nugget constantly. After she told be that in a hour it will be 4am for her, and if she stays up for an hour, she would of still gotten enough sleep, again, I told her to just go back to sleep, and she says " can’t I just stay up and talk with you:(". I was like, I don't even know, does she want to get back or not. We talked for like 20 min, then I told her I was getting sleepy, so I was gona go sleep now. Next day, May 9, its a thursday, she texts me like at her time 7am to wake up, but im still sleeping so she just says " goodnight/good morning ", " bby nugget", " ttyl". We talked a bit more again when she came back from school, she told me that fuck taking it slow, that she loves me and was just sad that she felt that I left her for those days. And after some talking , I told her that I love her too, I made made myself distant because I wanted to respect her decision and if she wanted to leave, it wouldn't hurt as much because I would of already accepted the fact that we are no longer together. We watched Lucifer for a while, and then I had to go to a parent teacher conference with my dad. I left the call on my phone, I was happier, because we were together again, after I came back, I heard that she was sleeping, so I just texted her, good morning to whenever she sees this text. She woke up like half an hour later saying she fell asleep, I told yeah, "i know, keep sleeping bby nugget" and she said, " im tired, but I want you ". So we started to talking again just like before. Every time we called, if I felt sick or something, just hearing her voice made my day. May 11, she ended up confessing why she got distant the days after I came back, it was because she was mad at herself because of something she did while i was gone, she started to take to other people and one of those people she talked to, she got a bit close too. I told her that i'm not even mad, disappointed....a bit, but I was glad that she told me the truth, I wanted her to be honest with me. She started to cry a bit on the call, but I told her that I understand why she would of felt like that when I left her for those days cause I didn't have my phone. Like I said, when she stopped replying to my texts, I felt like I loss her too and it was only like 2 days that she wasn't responding like she used to, and for her, I left for 4 days with no texts at all during those days. While she was crying, she asked me why was I being so understanding, I said...Cause I love you 3000. I ended up telling up telling Guava who was the one helping me to try and get guava back when she was being distant. I didn't want to tell her earlier because she felt a bit jealous, but I made it clear to her that she is only a friend that helped me when I was younger. We promised to not keep secrets from one another, and at that point I think I felt the closest to her. On May 12, that is when we completed the 24 hour call we said we were gona do. These days she wasn't feeling well because of the fasting thing that she is doing, so going so long without eating made her feel sick. I kept telling to eat something because I didn't like when she felt sick, but she said she can't cause of fasting. I tried to make her feel better by telling her " I'm so lucky because... I have you, someone who acually cares about me and makes me happy. I'm smiling while I'm typing this. Even if it's only been about 2 months, Thank You for being there for me". I waited for her to wake up the next day and talk, she taught me how to say, "I love you" in danish, " jeg elsker dig". Meeting her made me feel the happiest I ever been in years. Whenever she woke up at 3:15am her time to eat, I used to help her wake up by quietly saying her name or just talking about the way she always made me feel, after she ate and came back, I always asked her what is it that she had to eat and then soft talk her to sleep again. I used to love it whenever she used to sometimes soft talk me to sleep, the ways she used to tell she wanted to cuddle with me and max. The type of food she wanted to teach me how to cook. On Wednesday 15, when we were on a call during her lunch period, she told me that they got a printer in their class now, so I gave her the idea that she should print out memes, and put them around the classroom, and she did, it was a spider-man meme, she ended up printing 5 of these and started to putt them up around her class. One of the things that she helped me with a bit was in school, cause I started to do some work while I was on a call with her in the mornings. She gave me a reason to wake up early everyday and since I was always in a good mood while being on a call with her, I decided to multi task a bit. So I thanked for that. Thursday comes and I just picked up some bluetooth earbuds that I ordered mainly because of I wanted to to talk to her when I wasn't at home with a good mic, my phone's aux input is a bit messed up and makes a static noise whenever wired earbuds moved, so I bought those bluetooth ones. That day I called her twice and she didn't pick up, but she was on the server talking to others so was like fine, she talking to some friends or something. She ended up calling me at 3am her time, so I asked her what happened because she didn't call or barley texted me that day. She said that she just didn't feel like it. I felt a bit sad but told my self, its fine, she was just busy and forgot. The next day we got on a call again, she didn't have school this friday, so we stayed on the call till I went to school, but she mainly just watched youtube instead of talking. I went to school and when I came back at 12am, told her I was back, gave her a little text once in a while cause she didn't respond till about 2 hours later, saying she was busy. Again...kinda felt sad cause I started to feel her being distant again, and I really didn't want to lose her. I started to feel sick, like really light headed and stomach ache, I told her how I felt sick, she asked if I was okay, I said not really. She called me for like 2 min and told me to drink some water, and call my dad if I kept feeling sick. Then she left the call again. She called back at around 5pm my time. Again i'm feeling her being distant because her time it was already 11pm, and we really didn't talk that day, just enough for her to tell me to soft talk her to sleep. I did soft talk her to sleep, but when I knew she was asleep for sure, I talked about how I was really feeling, that I was scared of losing her, the one person I have ever told them "I Love You. I texted her at my time She wakes up at like 8:20pm my time, she talks for a few min until she goes eat. She didn't call back or even let me know what she ate, like we always used too. So at like 3:40am my time, I sent her a text. She calls me back at around 4am my time, and says she had to go like around 6am my time, and again all she really just do was just watch youtube. Now im really worried if I did something that she doesn't want to text or talk to me for these last few days. She ends up coming back and we get on a call at 11am my time. Again she didn't want to watch Lucifer or talk like before, she just used to watch youtube videos and tell me to mute my self once in a while, cause she wanted to watch her ASMR videos. At around 2pm, I decided to take a nap because I didn't feel well again. She didn't even want to soft talk me to sleep. So I just slept. Woke up an hour later and my dad was going to take me to the clinic because I wasn't feeling well. I told her before that we were going to travel to mexico to see family members in particular my grandpa, since he may not be around next year due to age. So at 5pm, I let her know as soon I knew, the dates we were going to travel, but this time I was going to have my phone for sure. She said ok, and then went to sleep at like at 5:30pm my time. Since it was a Saturday, we were heading to my moms place. Later that day we talked again like around 7pm for a while, since max and my little cousin we playing together I had the camera on. This is when she actually talked to me in a while, instead of just watching youtube. She ended up sleeping on the call and woke up at 10:30pm, she fell asleep again and she woke up at 2am my time, over there it was already 8am. This time I fell asleep to her voice, I wake up at 6am and see her text that says " my baby it’s so cute I can hear you breathing in your sleep ", " I just wanna hug you and cuddle you " I replied with "Aw", " I love you 3000", " That wut u said earlier was so adorable, I was awake when u was laughing, and was smiling. You just warm me up with the smallest things you do, I love you 3000!" by text cause my mom was sleeping still. It kinda made me forget how she was being distant that last few days. We texted for a bit when I got out of church class at 1:30pm . I called her when it was like 3pm, I saw that she was talking to others again, so I just let her know that i'm with Max. She responded at 3:50pm saying she had dessert, I asked if she wanted to call, she said in a bit, she didn't call, she responded with a text at 8:30pm. Again i'm noticing that she just doesn't want to talk, and I guess I already knew that she has/is losing interest. At 9pm my time she tells me if I wana call? And I already had a feeling that I knew it was time she was going to say what I've feared from the start. For the past week that I felt her changing, I always asked her, what wrong? Did I do something? If there is something she wanted to talk about, just say it, she would just keep saying that nothing is wrong, and I alked her, why is she talking to me less, she said, its normal don't worry about it. By this time, for the past two days, I asked for help about this to 3 other people, one of them was Mia. She told me that obviously it was't normal, maybe she was having other issues which she couldn't rely on my help for, she told me to just give her some time. Guava kept saying nothing is wrong, but before she went to sleep, one of the last things she said was, there is something she wants to talk about. I knew it was time...but she said that she was going to tell me the next day instead. I woke up at 12 like usual to tell her good morning, instead of her texting at least for a bit, she just said go back to sleep. At this point i'm just sad because I know there a 90% I already loss her. But still had that little bit of hope that it wasn't what I was thinking. Hoping it was something else...I could even sleep that day and stayed up waiting till 5am, for our usual call during her lunch break...she didn't text or call at all. There was no text no nothing till when she called me at 4:28pm. She told me exactly what I was scared of, she said that she wanted someone who she can actually cuddle with rn, someone who wasn't in a different time zone, someone who isn't on the other side of the earth. All this time that we have been talking and said that distance/time zones matters close to nothing when that someone means everything. I just had one question, "Did you ever mean it when you said "I love you"....She said "probably" I left the call. She later asked me an hour later if I was okay only cause Mia was talking to her because she was trying to help and she asked Guava if I was okay. I texted her 2 hours later " dont worry about it". Deep down I wanted to tell her nO! im not okay, my eyes feel like they burn every time I blinked cause of all the tears, that I felt like my chest was being crushed and I couldn't breath, it feels like I have been dumped in boiling water of how hot I started feeling, how my whole body feels numb, that I was sorry for anything I did that lead her to this choice, and most importantly that I love her, I don't want to leave me. She taught me how it feels to be loved and also how love can hurt as well. Its currently Tuesday 21st, 10:24pm and I haven't talked to her since yesterday at 8:32, my last message being, "Don't worry about it". She has told me before that if this just didn't work out for some reason, that we could still be friends. I said sure, but now looking back at this all, I gave all of my trust to her, and she started to talk to someone else, I forgave her for what she did when I was gone for a few days, saying I didn't want to just argue and just leave, that I wanted to fix whatever issue that would come. I....I trusted her again and she gave me false hopes. Fuked up how she wanted to be back together after I forgave her for what she did, just so she can tell me that she wasn't even sure she meant it when she used to tell me "I love you", and this wasn't even a month later, this was just 9 days after she said she didn't want to take it slow anymore, that she "loved me". Currently its now 10:41pm. I started to type this hoping it would help, seeing it from a third person view. Now I can see that our relationship wasn't really working out, I was putting her over everything else, school, my heath, my time, and even potentially moving back with my mom because of the fact that I chose to live with my dad, but since I've been skipping school, and failing classes because I wouldn't even show up since I was at home, talking to Guava. I changed my whole sleeping schedule so I could give her the most time I could. If I was accused of lying about something during our relationship, I would say, yeah I lied to Guava about something, the fact that I used to tell her not to worry about my sleeping schedule, I use to tell her that I was sleeping great to not worry, but nope, I would get about only 4 hours of sleep for the past month and a half, and that some of the days I was home from school earlier was because of tests, and we got to leave early. I changed so much, not "because of her", but "for her," but looking back at it, there wasn't much she did to try and make it work for my time zone. If you do ever read this, i'm NOT trying to say that I changed my life for the worse because of you, I just want to show you how much I cared about you, what you made me feel for you those first days we met was something real and after time, I really wanted you to be "the one"
I remember that when I first started typing this yesterday, I was feeling depressed, sad, confused. But surprisingly It has made me feel better. If she does ever want to be to be together again but this time, seriously , I wouldn't say no right away, because I would be lying if I said that I don't start felling sad at random times and that I don't miss her even though its only been a bit over 27 hours, but I would tell her to first to earn my trust again and just be friends while we are online for now, Once we are sure that we meet IRL then I will gladly move to the next step.
I love you 3000 baby nugget
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Today I did quite a few things
I woke up at 11 after snoozing my 8, 8:30, and 9am alarms. I felt bad for sleeping in since I promised myself that I would wake up with my alarms, but reasoned that I was still recovering from my driving adventure to Minnesota. 60 hours was too many hours to be high and isolated.
Toes, my cat/roommate, was very excited to hear I was finally awake and jumped on the bed to be scratched. I'm very grateful to have such a loving cat, I just wish she would stop dragging litter into bed.
First thing I did out of bed was take my ssri and walked the dogs. Penny's legs are working much better but as much as she loves to run around now she still needs to rest in her crate. I don't care what "they" say, chiropractors can absolutely help.
I got the mail and found my tax return had come in. That was a relief; I can pay my car bill now.
I made myself two eggs for breakfast and went to sit down and of course had to go to the bathroom. Came back to floor eggs and two guilty looking dogs. I made one more egg and ate a quadruple strawberry with a large glass of water.
Tried to watch a show on Netflix while I ate but got bored and anxious very quickly so I ended up taking a nap.
Woke up to some texts from my friend Krissi and felt guilty for taking a nap but decided to get on with my day instead of sulking. I took half an Adderall and cleaned out my car for my mom. She's going to Miami this weekend (birthday in Miami!!) and asked to borrow my car for reliability reasons. My car was absolutely trashed and covered in dog hair from the ride down from Minnesota with my friend's giant black German Shepard.
I found many things in my car: "lost" water bottles, cool books, meal replacement powder, about a gram of weed, and a single cigarette. I smoked half the cigarette as soon as I found it. I'm attempting to improve my life bit by bit and decided on the trip that I was done with nicotine (as I smoked 2.5 whole packs), but fuck I needed some oral stimulation and dopamine that I just couldn't get from screens today.
I made a plan to go get lunch and a new vape pen (better than cigarettes) while I was out getting the car washed and oil changed.
Had a nice interaction with the man at the vape store. He seemed very relaxed today and as always helped me find the best and least expensive options. I left excited to have a source of stimulation that didn't send me down a rabbit hole of guilt.
I then went and got my car washed and vacuumed the inside. Finally got the cat litter off of the seat and floor. It feels nice to have a clean car, and nicer that my mom gets to be in the car while it's clean.
Last stop of today was at the Jiffy lube to get my oil changed where I chatted with a very charming employee. He genuinely seemed to be enjoying himself and was eager enough to chat with me about car makes and which ones were the biggest pains to maintain. We agreed that Honda was pretty impressive when it came down to ease of maintenance (Yee haw).
While I was waiting for the oil change I walked over to the mall and got some lunch. A sweet tea and tomato cucumber salad from toojays. The walk was breezy and I feel very fortunate to live in a state that doesn't hurt when you go outside.
After my errands I came home and my sisters were home from school! I sat and talked with Tessa for a while. She didn't get a call back for the upcoming play and is very bummed about it. We tried to find some positives to the situation and I think she's feeling a bit better. We loosely planned this weekend and I left her alone to study.
I made the decision while I was driving north to move my body every day to help keep the happy juices flowing. Im lucky enough to live in a house with a pool so I figured I would take advantage of my situation and went for a swim!
I swam laps for about 10-15 minutes and realized I was really thirsty and out of shape so I called it a day. It wasn't much but it was a good first step. I hope to swim more often. It's been so long since the last time I swam I forgot how much I love the water. I guess I was on the swim team as a kid for a reason; I just didn't like the competition. It was really cool to see my body progress in the mirror though... I really do look completely different than I did even a year ago.
I took a shower and used some really natural shampoo that smelled like coconuts that I found in my car and my scalp isn't itchy yet so that was an extra bonus today.
It is now 7:30pm and I'm looking forward to mom getting home.
Happy first post!!
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ddontyyoukknow · 2 years
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Bro I’ve already had the worst day ever and it’s only 9:35. Like things aren’t al that horrible but I just feel bad and keep doing these things to myself but ultimately I’ve been trying my best this whole time so it’s best to accept the L and learn the lesson I’m meant to learn. So I was having a Christmas party yesterday even though my finances are still yikes! Because I like hosting, but I still haven’t figured out what it is I like about hosting. It might be the at I like brining people together to praise me for the things that I’m good at. But for some reason I have major reasons to dislike everyone at the party like I am not allowing myself to fully live each and every one of them I am in constant cristicisim of them. Mo Is too distant I don’t know her well enough and idk when she is and isn’t available. It’s almost like I’m waiting for someone to take full care of me and give my all to. Someone who will always be there for me and never let me down. Someone who I can’t always count on no matter what. Someone that I can share the burden of being alive with. But their faults are always in the forefront of my mind. No one fully loves me or cares for me. Anyway I decided to plan this party despite knowing that I’d have to bend over backwards to make sure I didn’t go too over budget and have enough money for rent and even though we tried to be care ful I’m sure we’re still very much in the red and will have to borrow money which this on itself is a huge source of my worry but anyway,, I know we’ll figure it out. I just know that I don’t want to and won’t for that matter,, be in this position of relying on others for money any more. Maybe this reflects my inner world into my outter world. I want to rely on others to take care of me on the inside,, so I want to rely on others to take care of me on the outside. Bro where is this train. Anyway,, The same attitude I take to leave a space of myself to be taken care of others is the same way that I leave an even bigger space for people to take care of me monetarily. I want to take care of both! I want to learn to be that for myself 100%. Anyway!! So a day before the party my boss texts me and asks if I am available to work until 4 when the party will be at 6 and it will be 1 hr. away. I am money starved so of course I say yes then she says it will actually be a 7 instead of 5 hr. Day and it will end at 5. So I work it and Uber back and get back at 5:30. I wanted to do a cool makeup look but I just start cleaning and making dough and cutting cookies instead people started arriving and I didn’t even have the sauce ready. Bro wtf!! Ok.! So!! God I started the day off so shit. Lol it’s laughable really! Anyway. Im not feeling great once everyone is here and instead of enjoying this party that I’m going broke for,, I’m cooking and people are just kind of watching. They end up helping and we make pizza and we watch peanuts Christmas and everyone leaves. I then decide to set into the anxiety of wanting to do something cool and chirtamsy before we leave in 2 days and I tell teddy so and he doesn’t want to and I decide to harp on it for the entire night. In the morning before he leaves he hugs me and kisses me a million times which is sweet but He wakes me up and I’m not able to go back to sleep. I get up and am just furious and send him an angry text message. And am angry the whole morning leave the house, forget my charger at home drop my shake and my phone see that there is a train 11 mins away and panic but the. See that there is one that is 18 mins away so I’m like it’s alright I’ll probably not make the 11 mins but I’ll take the 18 min and then Uber. I hear my train arriving as I am fubliming with my shake and phone because couldn’t reach my phone,, finally grab my phone and it’s not scanning,, finally scans and I decide to make a run for it, I am sprinting in heeled booties with 2 bags and an open shake that is splashing all over my sleeve. And I miss it. Was about 50 feet away I was kind of expecting someone to help me but everyone was just kind of looking away. Then. The time
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creaturebloom · 6 years
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this is a 65 question ask meme and im the bitch that’s filling it all out at once to waste time
1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? oh yeah definitely, but it’s usually the other way around where everyone else is real and i am not
2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? idk like a 2.5 i guess
3. The person you would never want to meet? i mean. i don’t know ??? how can i know who i don’t want to meet until i have met them and decided they’re the worst
4. What is your favorite word? akimbo
5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? i would WANT to be a weeping willow, but in all honesty i’d probably be a birch or some type of maple
6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? i honestly cannot recall
7. What shirt are you wearing? a grey pajama shirt
8. What do you label yourself as? the skeleton god
9. Bright room or dark room? i mean if we’re talking the absolute brightest room vs the absolute darkest, i suppose i would pick brightest.
10. What were you doing at midnight last night? for once i was actually asleep
11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? god probably like 8 years old was good
12. Who told you they loved you last? my dad
13. Your worst enemy? it me
14. What is your current desktop picture? it’s a landscape in the style of like miyazaki movie backgrounds
15. Do you like someone? romantically ? no
16. The last song you listened to? poison vine - noah gundersen
17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? just like physically destroy one person ???? idk man. like the consequences of this would probably be too far reaching for me to even fathom. do i get caught ?? does it spark paranoia worldwide ? a string of copy-cat murders ? could i live with myself knowing i killed a human being ?
18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? nazis
19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? idk like. the idea of a slave that has to do stuff for me for a day is kind of wild. if i can like, make a billionaire my slave and then force them to redistribute their wealth then i’d do that
20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) my bones !! i can’t show them to you though, not yet
21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? i guess the opposite of nonbinary is SUPER binary so i’d be like half man half woman and i’d look exactly like a halloween costume
22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? no, all of my talents are pretty out in the open
23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? one unique thing ??? i don’t think anyone really has unique fears. if you dig deep enough they all sort of boil down to the same few things in the end. i guess the most strange fear i have is that spiders will be in my slippers, and so i do not own or wear slippers.
24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. oh shit ok. idk all the ingredients but one time i ate a vegetarian bahn mi in chicago and it was like the most heavenly sandwich i’ve ever had. i want that again. endlessly.
25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? honestly at this very moment in time i would buy groceries, and also maybe a pad of watercolor paper
26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? oof, leave immediately ??? that limits my choices bc i don’t have a passport. i guess i’d go to like. god idk oregon ? colorado ??? the pacific northwest somewhere.
27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? wait what am i supposed to figure out if i don’t drink booze ??? like if my plan was to sell it, i’d have to get a liquor license, and that’s a can of worms i don’t care to open. i think i would ask the angel if instead i can get a lifetime supply of, like, that good bahn mi sandwich i was talking about a few questions up.
28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? no nerds allowed
29. What is your favorite expletive? i’m pretty partial to fuck, but honesly yikes is what i say most often even though that’s not a swear word. petition to make yikes a swear word.
30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? hey so one time there was actually the threat of a fire in my house and despite all these questions no one does anything like that. i put on my shoes, grabbed my phone, sunglasses and water bottle because they were all immediately available as i was exiting the house. so as much as i’d love to grab my box of treasures and keepsakes, i absolutely would not and i know this about myself now.
31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? yikes. i can see the appeal of this for a lot of people, but for myself it’s just uhhh not feasible. i’d always wonder what i erased, and at some point i would uncover the truth. i wouldn’t like to live with that kind of mystery going on.
32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! oh thank god. i’m moving to a colder climate with universal healthcare.
33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? okay i would strike a deal here and let’s say i can bring back two pets instead of one person and in this case i would bring back rusty (family golden retriever), and also kohji (brother’s shepherd mix). i’d like to say i’d bring back my cat, but i have two cats now and i know my brother would really like his dog back.
34. What was your last dream about? i don’t really remember, tbh. i’ve been having a lot of weird dreams tho
35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? yes i am a VERY good [something]
36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? yes ! it was terrifying and i’d never like to do it again thanks
37. Have you ever built a snowman? no, somehow this was never presented to me as an option any time i’ve been around snow
38. What is the color of your socks? buddy i’ve not worn socks in months. but also generally they are striped with various colors.
39. What type of music do you like? gay stuff
40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunrises
41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? chocolate
42. What football team do you support? oh i sure don’t
43. Do you have any scars? yes, many
44. What do you want to be when you graduate? considering that i am no longer in school, the answer is that i want to do whatever i feel like doing at any given moment
45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? i suppose i’d cure my mental illness (which i’m working on, so, this will happen)
46. Are you reliable? oh, no. no thanks. i absolutely am but i hate feeling obligated so i always choose to not put myself in situations where someone needs to rely on me for anything
47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? i guess i’d ask if they’re happy
48. Do you hold grudges? i mean. i don’t forget things ........ but i am capable of forgiving people
49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? nope ! i’ve seen movies, i know what horror that can cause
50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? one time my sister and i were talking to our aunt, and we could not for the life of us figure out if she was trying to GIVE or SELL us some rabbit fur coats she had ......... it’s been over a decade and we still do not know which it was
51. Are you a good liar? yes
52. How long could you go without talking? several million years
53. What has been you worst haircut/style? sorry my hair is indestructible and because of the natural texture it looks great no matter what. i’m blessed and i know it.
54. Have you ever baked your own cake? what kind of person doesn’t bake their own cake ????? rich people i guess
55. Can you do any accents other than your own? yes ! but not very well
56. What do you like on your toast? butter, and occasionally cinnamon sugar
57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? some cool clouds
58. What would be you dream car? a honda prelude with the pop-up lights
59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. i do sing in the shower sometimes, but not loudly
60. Do you believe in aliens? absolutely
61. Do you often read your horoscope? almost every day, but i do my full birth-chart horoscope so that it’s accurate, and not like horoscopes from the newspaper
62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? n
63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? i mean are they not the same thing. tell me a dinosaur and a dragon are not basically the same things.
64. What do you think about babies? yeah they’re alright. i never want to be in charge of one but i’m alright with them
65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. i guess the most interesting thing i can think to ask myself is which tarot decks i have, and i will tell you. i have the prisma visions tarot (which is amazing), and also the shadowscapes deck (beautiful!), and also a deck of runes that i made myself with a sharpie on a pack of pepsi branded playing cards
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