#so i stop imagining them every gd time someone talks to me

[reynie-muldoons]

'The Art of Conveyance and Round-Trippery' Liveblog!

Sorry this is a few days late!! I moved across the country this weekend, we drove like 13 hours within 2 days and we did a lot of heavy lifting. I'm exhausted, but the boxes are slowly emptying and I've been wanting to watch this episode so gd bad, so LESGO

Over halfway through the season!!!! That's absolutely surreal

1:11 oooh they're getting their royal fitting

1:22 LMAOO WTF 😂😂 Princess Diaries vibes

1:42 ✨CONFIDENCE✨

1:52 Alfonse is a perfect name for that guy HAHA

2:05 Nathaniel, my guy, you've made some points

2:11 "do you feel your power?" POWER RANGERS, GO

2:24 no no hesitation just prolly thinkin bout how he was caught cheatin

2:39 "can you not allow yourselves luxury?" okay fr I feel that I get Nice Things Guilt(tm) too easily

2:52 dayummmm let's talk about Sticky being a hat stall between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, mans is brave as fuck under extreme pressure and loyal to the point of putting himself on the line

3:15 bro Sticky getting some recognition. Love to see it, he deserves it

3:19 "is that a coincidence? Or written in the stars?" IS DR. CURTAIN CATCHING ON THAT THEY KNEW EACH OTHER BEFORE OR LIKEEEE

3:49 WHAT WORD AROUND CAMPUS 😭😭😭 MY BOYS ARE NOT A MISTAKE HOW DARE YOU

4:09 why doess the action of Dr. Curtain putting the sash on them seem so nefarious

4:36 I dont really understand the whole pastel yellow, blue, and pink palette of the school but the boys both look pretty okay in their vest-sash getup

4:42 THE OPENINGGGGG. This shit slaps.

5:41 Kate and Constance look so fucking cute in that shot, dont ask me why but hnnggggg

5:54 sash rope 😂😭 kate, honey, that's a reach

6:09 it might feel buttery, but, my guy, it also looks buttery. It's literally the color of butter. Get yourself some crisco

6:24 I find it kinda interesting that they made up new riddles for the show, I'm almost positive that that one wasn't in the book. Correct me if I'm wrong though

7:03 "I'm not gonna apologize for knowing things" the sass. the ✨confidence✨. living for it

7:03 If they build on that it sets Sticky up really nicely for the arc in the second book where he starts to show off a little

7:15 tiny Constance who is constantly dressed in pink with cute little braids is the perfect medium for the most morbid comments 😂😂

7:55 Martina's hot in her uniform. Can't prove me wrong.

8:15 why does that make me sad 🥺 eat with your friendssss. iirc they only talked about eating at the Messenger table in the books

8:26 dipshits forgot their lunches. Seems Constance is holding the communal braincell atm

8:50 anyone have Guiness on speed dial? Reynie and Sticky have a submission for them

9:25 oh hello this was alluded to in the preview!!! Morse code is compromised, rip

10:05 so are Jackson and Jillson stuck with night guard duty all the time?? They've been outside at night a lot

10:18 ahhhhhh the little blinkie light, stopppp

10:25 MILLIGANNNNN!!!

10:25 so is this the point where he starts staying on the island with them????

10:39 so are they just like "fuck it we'll do it right before sundown" ???? Like Jackson and Jillson are still gonna be on the lookout, they aren't gonna chill just because it's not fully dark

10:50 did the kids.....just not tell them that Mr. Bloom was on the island 😂 nice oversight guys

11:05 MADGE TIME MADGE TIME

11:05 remind me to tell you guys a story about Madge, I may or may not have done something irl a few years ago that would make y'all proud 😂😂😂

11:16 idk why but it makes me so happy that they kept Madge as a peregrine falcon

11:37 Rhonda, my love, you have my heart in your hands

11:46 roll credits

12:05 THE HEAD SHAKE HAHAHAH

12:06 Awww man, I was so excited for Milligan to be on the island .-. He must have been scoping out the inlet

12:07 "they're quite regal" A. I read the subtitles as "legal" the first time and that's somehow really in character for him, and B. IS MILLIGAN GOING TO NAME HER???!? HER MAJESTY???? PLEASE I WOULD LOVE THAT SO MUCH

12:15 his grimace KILLS ME

12:17 the hard cut from Nicholas in a brown setting and brown suit to Nathaniel in a blue setting and blue suit was lowkey striking

12:36 are they looking up Morse code 😳 can you imagine if they wrote down the message and are now decoding it

12:41 omfg all that for a HAT 🙃 I feel stupid

12:51 two things: 1. Those walls are atrocious, and 2. Yeah, talk about Morse code in a louder voice Connie girl, you're just in a public hallway

13:03 I'm sorry but those orange pillar things are not the vibe

13:03 the golden gate bridge called, they want their arches back

13:10 please let Kate climb the tower before the end of season 1. please.

13:22 y'all are about to be flying something else 😎

13:33 cleansing breaths

13:47 OH HELLO MESSENGER DUTY ALREADY??

14:06 what the heck is that teal pole for 😭😭

14:12 blindfold timeeee

I'm so sorry but I'm exhausted, it's 11:30 pm on Sunday night right now, I'll finish this episode tomorrow morning after I get some sleepies

~~

Good morningggg lesgetatit

14:50 "vomit of metal" ashhdjdjd

15:16 a wild Martina appears!

15:36 and if you folks look to your left, you'll see a wild Constance being the voice of reason once again

15:57 "lose the bucket" "I'm not gonna do that" HELL YEAH KATE

16:07 I get not having the bucket on the court lolol, I thought Martina was telling Kate to lose the bucket in general. Like, yeah, good luck convincing her to so that

16:35 show!Kate is much angrier than book!Kate and I'm still deciding how I feel about that. The Kate we've known from the books is a sunshine baby with looots of repressed trauma.

17:03 ......what is that. why is that.

17:11 WAIT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE REYNIE AHEHDJDJD

17:15 HI MADGE

17:41 the grand swell in the music makes me think it's going to go comically wrong

17:51 she's majestic because she's a queen 🥺

18:03 LMAO CALLED IT

18:14 Rhonda and Number Two getting at each other is such a sisterly thing to do 😂😂😂

18:37 ohhhhh? Someone's approaching? Miss Perumal perhaps????

18:45 YEAHHHHH BABY

18:50 PROTECTIVE MOM COMIN IN HOT!!!

19:22 THEYRE SO PRECIOUS 😭😭😭😭 I feel like I've been subconsciously starved for her and Mr. Benedict's interactions

19:36 died at that line in the one trailer

20:00 so Miss Perumal pulled a Sherlock Holmes. Love that for her

20:20 Cheri Tupintown??? Of all the aliases they could pick, Cheri Tupintown???

20:33 "Power in Truth Inc" that HAS to be something Rhonda came up with

21:01 you can literally watch Mr. Benedict realize that this is a woman not to be fucked with and he is CORRECT

21:23 "he's fine. Perfectly fine." At this, Mr. Benedict's pants caught aflame.

21:52 something about Constance sitting in on practice!!! It scratches an itch!!!!

22:19 "incorporate the helix. Live in the helix." Lord Helix is pleased with this offering.

22:26 so what I'm hearing is Kate is going to blow up on Constance for messing with the bucket

23:13 unrelated but Jillson'a shoes are cute

23:29 why does this room give off Johnny Depp's willy wonka vibes

24:13 that looks like a chair from a doctor's office waiting room 😭

25:29 they do be egg heads tho

26:02 baby girl, I have no idea why you're crying at weird art but let me dry your tears 🥺🥺

26:50 SHE FOUND ITTTT

27:27 okay Indiana Jones, go off

27:46 why did that kinda sound like Miss Perumal

28:43 the return of everyone's favorite, "enjoyable"

29:05 not that I'm not loving the ice breaker questions and the one-sided conversation, but I'm not loving it

29:22 oh so we're getting right into it aren't we

29:54 his eyes being open again makes this infinitely creepier

30:36 "where's your proof?" Miss Perumal doesnt fuck around!!!

31:29 you're telling me Constance has been there all day?? And Kate went to find her???? 🥺

31:58 oh so we're getting right to it then?? Kate addressing her independence and trust issues arc????

33:29 NEWS!!!!

33:49 CONSTANCE RIDING PIGGYBACK!!!!!!

34:04 okay, so they opened the murder hole, what are they gonna do now

34:59 Italian? 🤨 m'sir that is so fancy

34:59 fun story I learned Italian diction in college, so I know a little bit

35:16 "take your time" the whisperer says, immediately repeating the prompt to get the answer sooner

35:31 theeeeere it is

35:46 SOMETHING ABOUT THE WHISPERER SAYING "YOU ARE HOME" 😭😭😭 the show really played up the cult shit!!

36:02 Kate being protective of Constance 🥺

36:20 ohhh shit is it time for Connie girl to have double Reynie? Double Sticky?

36:36 STICKY

36:52 "what kind of nonsense?" HAVE THEY NOT ASKED THAT BEFORE THIS?????

37:14 "and your tiny brain can somehow pick it up!!" KATE STOP 😂😂😂

37:16 "I knew you had to be special in some way." WE DONT HAVE TIME TO UNPACK ALL OF THAT

37:51 she's right, this is disregard for their safety. The show made Mr. Benedict and his team a lot more back-alley and dishonest, and Miss Perumal has every reason to be pissed

38:30 oh good they finally remembered he has narcolepsy

39:38 and the best mom award goes to:

40:38 I was gonna say that this hallway is how I imagined the KEEP in riddle of ages but then I remembered that (spoilers) the Institute is the KEEP

40:46 oh, hello propoganda

41:10 that's the other person Rhonda couldn't contact, along with Mr. Bloom. This has to be the brainsweeping process

41:22 yeppppp

41:44 this dark doctor's office theme gives me horror movie vibes

42:22 ohhhh, so that's how they replaced that scene where the four of them jump in a crate to hide and Sticky drops his glasses in the open

42:47 and so we've come to the part of the story where Sticky and Reynie become infinitely more conflicted

42:47 and since we've reached that point..... can we have the white knight scene? Pretty please? Please Disney I'm begging you-

43:12 so Reynie just figured that out without Constance? :/

44:03 love the manipulation

44:31 I'm sorry, the farm?

44:35 farm and forest????

45:16 "the Emergency has served its purpose" 😳 well okay then murder man

45:39 "one thought, one purpose" the hive mind rises once more

45:48 LOVE THE MANIPULATION

46:07 "what have you done to earn anyone's trust?" VALID

46:26 "please do!" WHY AM I EMOTIONAL

47:06 "we still have the falcon" that you do 😂

47:19 AYYY HERE WE GO!!! Time for Milligan to stay on the island??

47:49 ohhhh Constance, casual telepath strikes again

48:16 "stop it, Kate!" OOOOHHHHH

48:53 that line ("it would be nice to be unburdened") would be funny as shit if not for the fact that Constance is a telepath unbeknownst to herself and can both subconsciously perceive people's thoughts and hear the subliminal messages

49:20 HI MRS. PERUMAL!!!

49:25 wow, she's really going through with it 😳 not that I doubted her, but still, that's dedication

49:39 OH SHIT

50:17 oh, so he's an asshole to SQ too. Got it. Torches and pitchforks? Ready to kick his ass?

50:40 "for the moment, anyway" FUCKIN WHAT

This episode was really good!!! They covered a LOT. I hope Miss Perumal comes back to the group and talks about her findings, I hope Milligan goes to get the kids and they tell him no, and I hope they get that classic 4-person Society brainstorming and binding time that hits that sweet spot

#mbs disney+ #mbs liveblog #the art of conveyance and round trippery #the mysterious benedict society #charity's talkies

[pendragaryen]

The things that stay with us...

This was supposed to be my last BFSN-post while the show is still airing - the last BFSN-entry right before the series finale. But now it’s just... a FSN-post? Call it a Big-Hug-post. A Hug-Gratitude-post. Or whatever you prefer. Though in my heart Bellarke will ALWAYS be canon (and nothing can ever change that): They didn’t give it to us in the actual show (a show, whose narrative clearly told us otherwise all this time, but well.. whatever...). It’s too much honour to grace such a disappointing last season with a BFSN, dearies. (Or... even more so now? ;P ) So, call it what you like i guess! ;). Honestly, i didn’t want it to end.. just like that... without any last words to you, the kindest, most tolerant and beautiful minded fandom i’ve ever been (proudly!) a part of since 2016. (The selfie lies. It’s not current. I’m sorry, i can’t show you my face these days.. This is from the day just before it all went inevitably down with this season: BB’s death. So... enjoy: That smile’s for you, fam! ;) 2nd pic: The tattoo i got almost two years ago now, on Sept. 22nd 2018, and that never fails to remind me of my emotional support person and the fact, that after every “down” in life there will come an “up” again <3<3<3 )

What makes the whole experience of this last ever season of The 1OO for me so incredibly sad is.... Well, please bear with me if you will... My english STILL isn’t the very best... But i’m trying to put my feelings into words:

Last year, when we got the news that S7 would be the final season, i DREADED this moment. I was AFRAID of this last day (and the hours) before the actual finale. And why so? Bc I am a person, who’s an incredible loser when it comes to let go of the things i love so dearly. Like The 1OO. I... in times i was OBSESSED with it, with the story, with the chacracters and the way they’ve been written, so credible, so tangible in their actions, nothing was just bad or good and even the villains actions had been understandable to some extend. It was amazing! I felt with almost every character! I LOVED it. (And to be very clear here: I’ll never STOP loving The 100′s 6 seasons, that are still existing for me!)

But what i wanted to say is: I dreaded the moment when l would have to let it go. THat inevitable moment, when this show with all its storylines and characters, that have been a part of my life for the last years and that i love so dearly, really ends. Forever. It would end and i wouldn’t be ready to let go, bc it means the world to me. Bc it changed me in more than just one way - no, even better, bc it made me want to change myself! “To do better...” *ugly crying...* THis show SAVED me in a way and in a time, where i was in a very dark place in life, in a very dark mind space (constant illnesses, termination of my job due to these illnesses, an ugly lawsuit etc. pp) , this show and its actors, especially one Robert Alfred Morley (yes), who helped me to look at myself and my mental insecurities and illness from a whole new point of view. I wasn’t ashamed of myself anymore. I felt... relieved. Understood. I even felt kind of loved for what i am, even with my anxieties. (There may or may not come a point or even a person in everyones life, that helps to develop this new kind of view on themselves. And for me this person was and always will be Bob Morley. And whatever happens, i’ll always love him for his open- and kindness and be thankful for his inspiration. I still call myself lucky to have talked with him a couple of times. I treasure these moments. Always.)

So, i was AFRAID of this day, when this all would come to an end. I KNEW it would wreck me, i would be devestated, i would be so incredibly sad, that i won’t be able to put it into words.

And here i am now. I AM sad. I AM devestated. But for so very different reasons that i could never imagine in my wildest nightmares... This last season... Season 7--- no i won’t start again. Not AGAIN. But... just that: What they’ve been creating for us here... it really overshadowed my joy of watching this show throughout this last season, yes even BEFORE that horrible murder of my all time fave and comfort character. I take back whatever i said about S6 or even S5. THIS... S7 was the season, that didn’t feel like the show i fell in love with anymore. Though changes CAN be refreshing and exciting... these changes haven’t been that for me.

Look. The thing is: Even WITH Bob’s request for time off and everything... There would’ve been PLENTY options for the writers to actually make it all make kind of sense! THEY COULD’VE DONE IT BETTER! If they’d really wanted to, that is... And here’s the point: I think they didn’t WANT it. For whatever reasons, whatever happened bts, they decided to do it like they did. And no-one’s able to understand their choices or the characters anymore - those characters we used to know so well, these characters i felt with over the course of so many seasons - who i could understand! EVEN THE VILLAINS! And now... look at the thanks we got. I can’t understand shit anymore when it comes to S7. Bc nothing makes sense. When i see even the GREATEST meta-writers among us surrender in their posts - than it’s really sad times for this fandom...

It’s not even just about Bellarke anymore. Sure, i AM disappointed that they’re not canon now. But then they shouldn’t have arranged the whole story around these two! “The backbone of the whole story”!!! I am laughing. In that case S7 was SPINELESS! Let me tell you. Everyone’s just... flailing around... great little side storylines, but somehow... disconnected from each other and all over the place. That’s how it felt for me to watch this season. And i’m feeling so exhausted by now... I never stopped hoping... I always thought, at some point it would make sense. I’ve read all your great metas AND I WANTED TO BELIEVE! It made perfect sense! (I seriously felt like Fox Mulder from time to time this season... and the lack of sense in the storyline as well as the complete absence of my personal faves (yes i include Clarke (Eliza) here, bc heck, she was so sidelined this season too, self inflicted or not) - all these things had been the “UFO’s or aliens i was hoping to see” one day... Guess i was wrong.)

I’m babbling... Sorry. But it will be for the last time in that kind of form. Promise.

At the end of the day (at the end of all things.. sigh, Frodo... i see you... *blinks back tears*) I am so glad that you’re all here with me, in the same boat. That I’m not alone feeling this kind of lost and baited and betrayed. Bc whatever you like to call it: The narrative promised us otherwise. Did JRott OWE us canon Bellarke? NO. Of course not. But HIS STORY did. The story he’d been telling us for SIX GD YEARS! THAT is what makes me so mad. But most of the time (and despite the selfie above) i’m just sad. Sad and disappointed. I know it will pass one day. And that i’ll find joy in watching S1-4, even S5 except for a couple of scenes, and certain episodes of S6 again. But now is not the day. Even IF they’ll give these characters a “happy ending” in some transcended form or whatever, in the afterlife maybe,... S7 is ruined for me. It wasn’t even a bliss for me before, but it was certainly ruined after they killed “The Heart” - pointlessly (THIS is what will haunt me even years from now..).

Today is the day for saying goodbye. It aches my heart, that we’ll have to do it the way we have to now. But at least we are together. So let’s raise a glass in honour of all the hours of joy and excitement this show brought us over the years, maybe even the tears and laughter, let’s raise a glass for the outstanding performances of the cast and the great storylines some writers developed for us. I am thankful beyond words. Let’s raise a glass to this awesome, talented fandom! I’ve met and talked to dozens of you guys througout the years, and it had always been a pleasure! I hope we’ll stay in touch! <3<3<3 And last but not least: Let’s raise a glass for Kass Morgan. This is HER baby in more than just one way. Without her vision... there wouldn’t have been a show. Or even Bellarke. CANON Bellarke, that is! ;) And i LOVE it!

These are the things that stay with us, these are the things we will remember.

So, have fun with the finale tonight guys! Or should i say: Good luck? ;) I won’t watch now. I haven’t watched since 7x13, and i won’t start again tonight. Not even for the finale. BUT... i’ll probably do it some day in the future. I’m still kind of curious after all. And there are still some characters i want to know how it ends for them. It‘s just... i don’t want to support any ratings. I don’t want to support JRott anymore. But i’ll probably get back to it - if what y’all will write about it afterwards looks promising or not... ;)

See you on the other side!

(Tags under the cut)

Hugs and love to you, dear fam! Tagging @together-is-my-favourite-place @natassakar @geekyogicheese @immortalpramheda @carrieeve @bellamyblake @angelbellamy @burninghoneyatdusk @iwearplaids @wankadi @katersann @nvermindiseeyou @ruggedmurphy @clarkgriffon @poppykru @broashwhat @malclmbright @kizo2703 @cominguproses13x @clarkeindra @tenmonologues  @shialablunt @sometimesrosy @zavens @wonderingwhyy @charmainediyoza @the-suns-also-rise @lee-em-dee @bellamynochillblake​ @junebugninja @songhyeri @underbellamy @talistheintrovert @jeanie205 @bellamys11thfreckle @doontpanic @clarkegriffinblake @goddess-clarke @eyessharpweaponshot @hostagetakerandhistraitor @infp-with-all-the-feelings @theatre-steph @historyofbellarke @as-inevitable-as-morning @bisexualbellamyblake @little-oxford-st @delicatebluebirdruins in no particular order (i am so sorry in advance, if i should’ve forgotten someone... >.<), and yes, i include you too @merlination my Danny, bc without you, i wouldn’t have started watching The 1OO in the first place... ;)

#the 100 #bfsn #bellarke fam selfie night #bellarke #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #bob morley #eliza taylor #the 100 cast #the 100 season 7 #series 7 #through the seasons #finale #series finale #final episode #episode #the last war #bellamy x clarke #clarke x bellamy #anti jroth #tattoo #selfie #my edit #my posts #my pics #my photos #mine #photos #the 100 fam #the 100 fandom

[benhardyaf]

WHEN IN LONDON | PART ONE | H.O

Summary: Elliott moved to London with her boyfriend and a plan. When she loses one she didn’t realise it would mean losing the other. Maybe Harrison can make her realise that no plan is perfectly fine. 

Word Count: 2.3k

Warnings: Harassment? (put your hands up if this happens to you every damn weekend!!! no means no gd)

A/N: Hi! So this is the second fic I had planned for Haz but it seems to be a quicker write so it’s coming out sooner than I thought. Please let me know what you think of it, any feedback is welcome. Also if you wanna be tagged in this series just ask??? lol I’ve never done this tag thing and probably no one wants to continue it but oh well. Enjoy!

It had been a week since I’d broken up with Dylan, but almost two months since I realised I didn’t want to be with him. It wasn’t an easy thing to do; we’d been dating since we were 17 years old and we moved to a different country together. He wasn’t a bad boyfriend, he loved me, doted on me at times, treated me right. But I couldn’t stop imagining what my life would be like without him in it. I didn’t wait eagerly on the tube home to our flat just to see his face, I didn’t get butterflies in my stomach when he told me he loved me, I didn’t feel the need to accompany him to his work dinner events. We were friends - that was all there was to it. Sure, I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. 

Last Thursday night was difficult. He was surprised, not sure he thought we would ever break up. We were comfortable. I don’t think Dylan had spent a day in his life uncomfortable. He had a wealthy family, lots of connections, a good body and a smile that lit up a room. Most things came very easily to him. He told me I could keep the flat, which was so nice. I was the one who’d broken up with him, shouldn’t I move out?

Of course, keeping the flat was causing me a little bit of stress. When it was the two of us, it was easy to pay the rent of a two bedroom with two full time salaries. Now, I had to fork out that cash on my own, which was going to be difficult. 

That was how I found myself, a week after turning single, walking into a Luau themed bar on a Friday night to meet people I worked with for a few drinks. I’d walked from the Tube station and I already regretted the shoes I was wearing - nothing too flashy, just some leopard print sandals - but the strap was digging into my heels. I flattened my denim skirt as I looked for their table, I was feeling a little nervous to see everyone. Despite knowing Dylan and I weren’t meant to be together, it was a lot easier having him by my side as a comfort. 

After pushing through dozens of people and dodging tables with tiki torches lighting up drunk faces, I spotted a group of people by the far wall. I recognised Chloe and Jesse first. They were my closest friends at work, I shared an office space with them. They waved at me and I walked over to them quickly.

“Elliott, you look cute.” Chloe pinched my arm, smiling up at me. “Sit down and grab a drink.” I smiled my thanks, falling easily into conversation with the group and settling my stomach slightly for the night. 

I giggled along helplessly to something one of the boys had said, throwing my head back in exaggeration. I was a few drinks in and at this level I thought everything was funny. Our group had dwindled in the hour that had passed, leaving me alone with Jesse, Chloe and a few of the other guys. In my overstated snickering, I slightly lost balance and bumped into someone walking behind me. I turned around to apologize but they weren’t looking at me, they were looking at Ryan, who worked on our third floor, and had a very strange look on his face.

“I’m so sorry.” I said, still smiling. “I emote outwardly.” The person I had knocked looked at me now. He had very short hair that looked recently shaved and dark brown eyes. 

“Not a problem, love.” He smiled back. Luckily I hadn’t knocked any of the beers out of his hands. He walked a few more steps and sat down at his own table, which was placed next to ours. He handed out beers to his friends, who began chatting with him. 

I turned back to my group, thinking about the encounter I’d just had. The guy was attractive, that much was obvious. And I had always loved British boys, not that I’d ever had the opportunity to be with one, seeing as I’d been with Dylan the whole time I’d lived in England. The thought hadn’t crossed my mind until that moment, but I was now free to sleep with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I was single. It was a freedom I could get used to. 

Another hour passed and more people began to leave until it was just Jesse, Ryan, Chloe and I. We were chatting about nothing in particular. I would zone out of the conversation every now and then, fiddling with the paper straw in my Pimms that had started to get soggy. 

“Elliott.” I was munching on the cucumber soaked in alcohol, not listening to the boys trying to get my attention. “Elliott!” Jesse waved his hand in front of my face. 

“Sorry, zoned out.” 

“Ryan was asking when you broke up with Dylan.” Jesse took a sip of his drink. I told him and Chloe about the break up the day after it happened and they got to hear all the gory details, but I hadn’t really talked about it much to anyone else from work. 

“Oh.” I frowned, looking down again. This sort of conversation could really put a damper on my good mood. “Last week.”

“Why?” Ryan moved closer to me, the sun was setting behind him and I moved to put my sunglasses on to cover my eyes. 

I shrugged my shoulders, wanting the questioning to end. “Sometimes things just end.”

Ryan nodded his head, his hair falling into his eyes. I suppose he was objectively good looking, but I’d never really cared for him. His arrogance was something I could never look past. Chloe talked about him constantly, and how his blue eyes and black hair combo could do things that no other man ever could. I often told her that she should have higher standards if her only prerequisite was black hair and blue eyes. She thought I was crazy.

I stopped listening to the conversation again after that, paying more attention to my drink and feeling a little uncomfortable. Jesse didn’t mean any harm but I couldn’t stop thinking that he could have quelled the subject completely before it even came to me. Chloe seemed to eat up the words that were coming out of Ryans mouth, her eyes never leaving him. 

I came to when I felt a palm slip onto my thigh. I looked at Jesse, who had both his hands on the table, ripping up the label of his beer bottle, then to Ryan, who smirked as he continued telling whatever story he was in. I felt like throwing up.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom. The spot on my thigh where Ryans hand had sat was burning. I knew that technically I could do whatever I wanted, I had no attachments anymore. But everything about Ryan screamed dirty to me. I didn’t like the way he stared at girls, I didn’t like the way he talked about himself and I didn’t like the way he took credit for other people's work. I threw some water on my face and tried to cool down. The warm summer air seemed to triple in heat and I was feeling very flushed. I spent a few minutes using the water to calm the redness in my cheeks and went back to the table, deliberately choosing to sit on the other side of the table next to Chloe. 

“You look a little stressed. Are you okay?” Chloe asked me quietly, taking the last gulp of her drink and placing the empty glass on the table. I nodded at her, not confident my voice would come out properly. Chloe shrugged and went back to the conversation the boys were having.

Eventually she decided she needed another drink and got up to get the group a round. 

As soon as she left, I felt worried again. I felt the stares of the boys on me as they expected me to join in, but I couldn’t make myself focus on the discussion. The night was ruined. I told the boys that I was tired and was going to go home and was met with protestations. 

“Just stay a bit longer.” Jesse whined, pouting his bottom lip. 

I laughed half-heartedly, shaking my head at him. “It’s been a really long week. I need a good sleep.” 

Jesse nodded. Ryan looked at me, I couldn’t really read his expression. 

“I thought we were having fun.” It wasn’t a question, he was telling me.

“Oh, yeah.” I gulped. “It’s been great.” I nodded, trying to convince myself. 

“Then don’t go.” He said, rather firmly. I had made it to the other side of the table, heading towards the door. I started to shake my head when he grabbed my hand. “You should stay.” I didn’t know what to say to him. I was trying to pull my hand out of his grasp but he had quite a tight grip on it. “Stay here.” When I looked at his face, his eyebrows were pulled into each other. He seemed angry. I tried to object but he stood up, his frame towering over me. 

I hadn’t considered him an intimidating man before. Sure, he was conceited and arrogant and rude but he had never seemed harmful. Then, though, I wasn’t sure what sort of man he really was. 

Words died on my tongue as he took a step towards me. My heart was beating a little faster. I looked at Jesse, who was confused. He didn’t do anything though. 

“I really need to get home.” I found my voice, faking a smile and hoping I sounded sincere. “I’ve got an early start tomorrow.” I took a step backwards, hoping he’d let go of my hand. Ryan was about to say something when a voice cut in.

“Hey, mate.” I looked to the owner. It came from the table next to us, with the guy that I’d bumped earlier. The person speaking was sitting across from him, frown plastered on his face and eyes so blue they seemed to glow. The dying sun was on his right, leaving his skin glowing golden. “Leave her alone.”

I looked at the rest of the table, each face was turned towards me. There was a litter of different expressions, one of disgust, one of anger, another of judgement. I didn’t know what my face looked like, but I hoped it wasn’t betraying my panic. 

The nice brunette guy from earlier spoke up. “Not sure you can take the hint so we’ll spell it out for you: she’s not interested.” Hums of agreement followed his statement. Ryan didn’t release his grip on my hand though. 

“What the hell does this have to do with you?” Ryans teeth were gritted. 

There were a few chuckles from the table. “God.” The boy with blue eyes ran a hand through his hair, messing it up slightly. He looked annoyed. “Nothing really.” He rolled his eyes.

“But it can involve us if you want it to.” One of the boys next to him chimed in. It wasn’t really a threat. The brunette who had said it was even smiling. His tone wasn’t menacing and he didn’t look like he wanted to even get up from his seat. But the implication was there - we will not tolerate this. 

Ryan looked across the table, noticing that he was completely outnumbered. Finally, he released my hand. I looked down and could see a red ring around my wrist where his fingers were. I then looked to Jesse, who had a look of shock on his face. 

I couldn’t find any words so I just looked at all the boys around me, unsure of what to do next. Ryan had had enough and stormed off to leave, throwing his shoulder into mine on the way. I winced slightly but didn’t react otherwise. 

Chloe arrived at that moment with three drinks in her hand. “What did I miss?” She looked around at all the tense faces. “Where’d Ryan go?” She placed the drinks down and walked up to me. Still no one had spoken. “What’s happening?” She half whispered, seeing that Jesse wasn’t going to say a thing she hoped I would. I shook my head at her, unsure of what to say.

“You know what, I’ve never liked Ryans.” The brown-eyed boy from the table next to us announced. The others laughed. I looked at them all, smiling slightly myself. 

Chloe just looked even more confused. I shook my head, trying to get a hold of myself. “Ryan, um.” How do I put this lightly? “He left.” Explaining nothing seemed easiest.

“Oh, okay.” She still looked confused, but didn’t push the subject. 

I didn’t know what to do so I just sat down again, hoping Chloe would sit as well and we could forget about everything. Thankfully, she did. But as soon as we were about to continue our night, Jesse stood up. “I need to go.” 

I hurt me a little that he didn’t want to sit with me. I didn’t know what to say to him. Had I offended him? Was he angry at me for making a scene? I felt so guilty, but also embarrassed that so many people had witnessed everything. 

I briefly looked to my left, the group of boys was talking again as if nothing had happened. They chatted and laughed and sipped on their drinks, having a great time. As I was about to look away, my eyes met one of theirs. His lips curled up in a smile and he nodded his head at me, his blonde hair shining in the sun. He raised his drink in a cheers fashion. I reached forward and grabbed my own, slightly lifting it and smiling back at him.

#harrison osterfield #haz osterfield #harrison osterfield fanfic #harrison osterfield fic #haz osterfield fanfic #haz osterfield fic #harrison osterfield writing #harrison osterfield blurb #harrison osterfield fluff #harrison osterfield au #harrison osterfield story

[ivalice-tifalucis]

Alright speaking of football, I really and completely dive back into this again. I notice the last time I watch football religiously (like waking up at early morning almost every week just to watch Barca’s game) which was around 2013, I wasn’t active on tumblr yet. I did occassionally reblogged football stuffs. I watched important games like few El Clasicos or Champions League finals. I did sporadic live blogging during the last World Cup. But now that I’m back like really back I notice things are different.

First, women’s football. I once ramble in someone’s post about the inequality of women’s football compare to men in USWNT. I said that women’s football didn’t really develop until 1970s while men’s football was starting to develop since 1900s and so it will take time for women’s football to get more developed. The difference that I notice is that now more mainstream media especially in England, where the center of football is, promotes their women’s team more. I notice Barca also do that for quite a while now, I just couldn’t believe that others do the same!! What I love even more is that if you take a look at let’s say Barca Femeni (who just got a new stadium fyi) or Liverpool’s women videos on youtube, the comments are mostly positive and most come from fanboys. They wish the female team all the best and to succeed, even include them in some banter. People also discuss how to improve women’s football since no matter what female will always going to be physically inferior than men and football is very physically demanding. Like many people suggest that women’s football need to have different regulation with the game. This shows that people care about female football. People also comment on footballers daughter who was just playfully kicking ball with “wow imagine if she becomes a footballer too” like these kinds of comments and discussions didn’t exist 5 years ago.

Second, the wheels are turning. Like a circle of life, there’s also circle of football domination. Last time I’m in, Barca was still a club that everyone are afraid of. Today, we are so poor it makes me sad. Liverpool comeback is just one of those moment. No, not the worst football club yet. We’re just becoming clown now, it’s embarassing. La Masia is also such a mess. That little boy Takefusa Kubo is now Real Madrid young player???!!! I hope we will get better soon (after the board members sacked!!!). I even missed out that Real Madrid won 3 UCL in a row (I only notice 2 until I went to Bernabeu tour and realized they have 13 trophies now 😑). Premier League dynamic has changed a lot. No more big 4 teams, they now have Leicester City too as dark horse. I was shocked when my brother told me they were about to win Premier League like what even the hell was that club?! Manchester United is sucking hard, Chelsea is shifting from rich club who buy everything to so so club to club who grow talents, Liverpool is only few weeks away from ending their 30 years of no league title (no longer a club who only talk about history), Manchester City is undisputedly giant crazy rich team along side PSG. Arsenal is the only one who stay the same, because Arsenal. Germany is suddenly not so good anymore.

Third, best player in the world. Apparently my favorite players are now old and soon will retire (some even have). The banter has shifted to discussion and general consensus that *insert player A* is great player instead of trying to compare A with B. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo fans have finally find consensus that both players are the best ever. Sergio Ramos is now the best defender ever??? (Make sense tho the guy captained Real Madrid who won 3 UCL in a row, forget the fact that he loves collecting red card so much). Gerard Pique also the best now. Neymar since his departure to PSG has become mediocre, sad. Frenkie de Jong, I root for him to be successful. Who else hmm... Jamie Vardy is top scorer (I like him in a way that his life is motivating that sometime good things don’t come immediately like his life and career is quite insane for pro footballer standard, he supposed to not even become a football superstar!!). Mohamed Salah, I heard a lot about him because I have a cousin who is Liverpool die hard fan and media talk about him, he’s great (and sorta feel proud for him because he’s conservative moslem from Egypt, sadly a politically unstable country, and arab which is great for representation. He manages to lift the image of arab people and moslem especially around Merseyside just by being great). Another talent from Liverpool would be Virgil van Dijk that gd soft tall man and good defender but most important is Trent Alexander-Arnold (corner taken quickly which breaks my heart and amaze me at the same time). Kevin de Bruyne is what Pep really love in midfielder and indeed what a talent he is. Erling Haaland is looking good, I hope he’s not just one season wonder. Manuel Neuer is no longer as good as he used to be since terrible injury (now I understand his bloop in WC 2018) but now there are more sweeper keeper just not as crazy as him. He definitely set standards for future goalkeepers.

Fourth, retired players. One by one, players that I watched while growing up have retired. I saw Puyol and Xavi retired. Then Iker Casillas, the most recent one to retired after heart surgery scare last year, now a candidate for RFEF President. Iniesta is soom gonna be retired. David Villa, Fernando Torres. My favorite Spain NT players are now all retired ☹️. Schweinsteiger, Lahm, Robben, Mertesacker. Mertesacker is now Arsenal youth coach??!!! Mikel Arteta is now Arsenal’s coach. Other star players from Premier League like Frank Lampard (now Chelsea’s manager), Steven Gerrard, all have retired and become football manager. And a bit unrelated because I never actually see him playing (because I only start properly watch football since 2010 and by that time he had retired and I only heard stories) but Gary Neville as Valencia’s manager for short time?? 😂 (of course I would know that’s important information for all Carraville shippers). Everytime I hear news about footballer retirement I would be reminded again that I’m old.

Fifth, shipping. If you don’t notice this already, I now ship Jamie Carragher with Gary Neville which is not surprising since I always low key ship Gerard Pique with Sergio Ramos anyway. Apparently I always have a thing with pinning rivaling defenders who are hot headed, reckless, and hate each other at first until one day they don’t. And I swear that’s the most random ever. I’m not even Liverpool fan and never really into Man United (although my brother is sorta fan because he knows much about MU). But it all starts from me going around Liverpool’s tag on tumblr and found Carra’s instagram live. After watching all of their videos in Sky Sports on youtube, consider my self as a carraville. I even always try to find live streaming from Sky Sports for every Premier League matches that I watch. I must say, they’re the ones that make me want to go back to football fandom again.

All in all, I will never stop loving FC Barcelona. I may watch other games, less Barca games maybe because they’re not that enjoyable to watch these days. But now I understand, the feeling of watching Barca loses is different. It just so heartbreaking 😭 my heart only belong to that team. I’m so happy I finally got to be in Camp Nou even though I just lost my wallet at that time.

#my ramblings #story of my life #football #men’s football #soccer #fc barcelona #lionel messi #premier league #liverpool fc #manchester city #manchester united #carraville #real madrid

[homodnp]

creator tag

rules: It’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

thank you to the lovely @judearaya @outphan and @alittledizzy for tagging me!!

1. life is but a dream (fic)

an underrated lil baby of a fic, at least in my biased opinion. i’ve always found most comfort in understanding and using natural imagery, so although those lads never go outside i wanted to write a fic about what might happen on such an occasion. at the time it also didn’t help that i’d asked a friend of mine (whom i’ve liked for years) to go rowing together cus it was late summer and why the fuck not. we were making arrangements, but then she just stopped texting at all for two weeks and nothing came of it. it was rough, so i vented my heartbreak by imagining a universe where at least someone else could get the rowing date they wanted.

2. the king (fic)

again, this was a result of my own personal life - you guessed it: heartbreak! i was driving into town, healing over someone who had recently rejected me, listening to this fic’s song, and then i realised “this is like how i imagine phil felt in 2009 before oct 19.” because pining for someone who is sending mixed signals, pining for someone who seems confused even though in your eye there is no clearer answer? that is some relatable shit. writing this was largely therapeutic and helped me come to terms with my own situation, through exploring fic!phil’s feelings. because this fic was more than just surface pining: it is about all the insecurities, all the anger, all the panicking which comes with it. the key to it was that anyone reading it knows that things do turn out for the better and dan does choose phil, even if neither can see it now. so for myself, it was reassurance that when life hits rock bottom there’s only one way up, that the present does not reflect the future. but at the same time, even if things are destined to improve, it is beyond your knowledge and your feelings now are still valid. you are allowed your anger and your sadness, but do not take it as the end.

3. ‘talk abt dnp love languages and the way they express them pleasee’ (meta)

back in days of old when i got anons, sometimes i did a bunch of interpretation/analysis stuff, and this was probably my favourite to write. i don’t have much to say about it here other than that it’s something i’ve seen people discuss at length and i hopped on the opportunity to give my two cents on it lol

4. ‘you are the drum!’ (gifset)

my first ever gifs, the day i got photoshop completely legally *cough*. are they good quality, rich in technique? fuck no! was i, and am i still, pleased with them? fuck yes! especially because if every phannie were to have a ‘niche’ in what phandom stuff they like to indulge in, phil being a fond guy is definitely mine. :’)

5. first impressions (gifset)

for what is probably one of my favourite gaming vids of theirs ever, my second of two gifsets i’ve done so far - i would have done more but i have legit no idea what i’m doing wrong that makes them so low-definition. each gif was also more saturated than the one before, which i did not intend. oh well, i am not a good gifmaker and i own it! (but send me all your tutorials please, i need ‘em!)

overall?

the reason i only included two fics in this list is because they are my only two so far. i want to do a lot more fic-posting - you will not believe the number of wips i have in my fic GD folder right now. my 2019 has been absolutely chaotic which is why i haven’t posted much, in many ways i’m surprised i’ve got anything done at all lol. but it’s been a good year for me, definitely a brilliant one for the overall phandom. may 2020 be kind to us all. happy new year!

i am so sorry if i miss anyone, it’s just off the top of my head that i am tagging: @karcathy @elisethephangirl @phlanetary @toxicnebulaae-deactivated201912 @imdyingriprip @autumn-in-phandom @calvinahobbes @itsaravetree @throwing-roses-into-the-abyss @owodnp @incognitovampiregoblin

#phandom #creator tag #tag meme #.tagged #.mine #.myfics #.mygifs

[thatonefangirlwhowrites]

Can I ask you a question- GD smut

Warnings: cussing and straight up smut. 

Grayson had always intrigued me. Less in a mysterious kind of way and more of a what are you like in bed kinda way. Grayson Dolan is a sweetheart, one of the kindest people I'd ever met. Always sporting a genuine smile. I never see him hitting on girls or even talking to one besides Emma. It makes me wonder about him often. I can't imagine Grayson with a girl, I know it's weird but I just can't. For as long as I've known him, he's never talked about girls at least around me. I don't understand him. It's...intriguing. Ethan however, Ethan has talked about girls with me, asking my advice on girls he's talking to or even asking odd questions to get my take on it. I expect weird questions from Ethan, I do not expect them from Grayson so when Gray came to me with a worried look in his eye and the phrase “Can I ask you a question?” I perked up, shutting my laptop forgetting the editing I was supposed to be doing and turning towards the younger twin.

He's wearing his usual casual clothes a pair of basketball shorts and a black t-shirt. He's rubbing the back of his neck obviously nervous.

“You just did but sure,” I reply trying to make him less nervous.

He smiles walking over to the sofa sitting beside me.

“What's up Gray?” I ask turning to face him.

“I have a an...odd question. I asked Ethan but he said that I should ask you because you answer all his weird questions without judgment and actually know the answer.” Grayson says paying with his fingers rather than looking up at me.

“Gray, you can ask me anything,” I reassure placing my hand on his shoulder.

He briefly looks up at me before turning his attention to the ground.

“I um...I was with this girl last night and um...we- we we we're you know having sex and I um...I didn't...you know so she tried with her mouth but I still didn't...” Grayson says stuttering through the statement.

“Okay, so what's your question, Gray?” I ask trying to understand what he's getting at.

“I um... I was still you know...hard but couldn't...finish. Which um...happens a lot so like...I just wanted to know...”

“If it's normal?” I inquire observing his red face.

He nods still not looking at me, embarrassment filled his body language.

“Well...sometimes stress can get in the way of being able to cum but if it happens a lot then I'd say maybe check with your doctor to be sure that everything is okay but, yeah it's normal. Sometimes I can't get there myself.”

“W-w-what do you do when you can't...”

“Usually take my time. Do things I know gets me off. Sometimes it's hard with another person.”

I can sense Grayson becoming more comfortable with the conversation as he asks “Have you ever faked it?” not stuttering once.

I nod “Often. I guess that's the good thing about being a girl, you can fake it and they wouldn't know.”

A beat of silence hangs in the air before he whispers “How could you not know?”

“It's actually pretty easy to fake it.” I admit with a shrug “I've gotten pretty good at it.”

“You've faked it that much?” He asks now turning to look at me, something in his eyes I don't recognize.

I nod “Yeah, Ethan says I need to find better guys to sleep with.”

“I agree with Ethan.” He says as I'm suddenly aware that I'm wearing a thin tank top. Grayson's eyes slowly take in my appearance. What is going on here, I wonder as I observe the younger twin's eyes lingering on my cleavage.

“Grayson?” I question as the younger twin scoots closer to me. He lays a hand on my bare thigh, great call wearing shorts I think as I feel his breath on my neck.

“Shh, just let me...Can I...God, I really want to kiss you.” Grayson stutters placing his other hand on my hip.

My eyes widen at the confession. His hands stay where he placed them not moving, waiting on my consent. I take a moment to ask myself do I want this? Here's this super attractive young man greedily grabbing at me hoping I say yes. He runs his nose against my neck nudging me as if to silently ask again.

“Please,” I whisper before I realize I've said anything. He gently moves his hand from my hip to the side of my face. His thumb rubbing my check bone uttering “God you're beautiful.” Before pressing his lips to mine. His lips are soft and needy. His grip tightens on my thigh as if he's scared I'll push him away. It feels natural kissing Grayson like I was always meant to. He nips at my bottom lip begging me to open my mouth. I give in quickly wanting nothing more than to continue kissing him. His tongue slides against mine as I throw one of my legs over his lap hoping he'd get the hint and pull me into him more. He does; he quickly grabs my leg moving me to sit on his lap. I place on hand on his neck and the other to run through his hair tugging slightly. He groans pressing me into his more. His hands now rest on my ass giving it a squeeze before slapping it lightly to test the water. I moan in his mouth rolling my hips against his. He pulls away and I'm thankful my lungs began to burn from lack of air. He places kisses from my jawline down my neck, nibbling lightly here and there. His lips stop at my cleavage, looking up at me asking if it's okay. I nod as his hands' side up to my tank top running his hands across my bra covered chest. I never knew someone's hands could feel so good on my body just caressing me. He takes his time caressing every part of my skin. Running his hands down my sides, across my chest, stomach and down to my shorts. I take this time to plant kisses on his jawline and neck, loving the feeling of his stubbly chin against my skin.

“Grayson,” I whisper causing him to stop his movements quickly, looking up at me with dark eyes. “You'd better stop touching me like that if you don't plan on fucking me.”

He groans, gripping my legs before standing. He walks me to his room, closing the door with his foot before gently placing me on his bed. He kisses me once more, passion and lust filling the kiss as he pulls away before I could as for more. He looks down at me breathing heavy, face slightly flushed.

“Do you want this?” He asks a very serious tone.

I nod going back to kiss him. He turns his face causing me to kiss his cheek. I pout as he says “No, Y/N. I want to hear you say you want this, want me. Use your words baby girl.”

my heart swells at the nickname. “Yes, Grayson Bailey Dolan. I want you.”

He smiles as he gently places his lips on mine, a change from the past kisses. He pulls away looking down at me once more before he pushes my tank top up slightly giving me a chance to say no.

“Take it off Dolan,” I say with a teasing tone.

As soon as the words leave my mouth he slips the tank top off my body taking his time in admiring the newly exposed skin. He runs his hands down my back as he kisses around my bra. Taking his time in exploring the skin. He taps my clasp asking me to arch my back so he can unclip it. He unclips it with ease pulling the plain black bra off my body. His eyes light up at the sight of my bare breasts. He slowly reaches for them, hesitant in touching me. When I make no move to stop him, instead of pressing my chest into his hands he takes both of them in his hands. Squeezing and kneading them. He smiles as he lowers his mouth to my nipple taking one in his mouth sucking lightly. I can feel him hardening on my thigh as he plays with my boobs. I arch my back, pushing my chest into him more as he gently scrapes my nipple with his teeth. He moans as my thigh brushes against his hard-on. He's taking my advice, going slow. He pulls off my right boob going to show the left the same attention as grind against him.

He pulls away as I tug on his shirt. He sits up discarding the shirt before moving down between my legs. His hair slightly messy, his lips red and his eyes blown wide with lust. He looks so good between my thighs. I can see his back muscles moving as he taps the button on my shorts asking me if he can take them off. I don't answer instead I lift my hips allowing him to pull the fabric off me. He smiles at my batman underwear before placing a kiss on each of my hips, nipping at the bone lightly.

“Grayson, please,” I beg to lift my hips hoping he'd get the hint. He places his hands on my hips pushing them back down.

“Patients Princess. Want to take my time with you.” He mutters as he places a kiss on my right thigh. He places kisses down my right leg to my ankle and up my left leg to my thigh. He stops to nudge his nose against my center.

“You smell so good. Are you wet for me princess?” he asks as he wraps his fingers around the band of my underwear.

“See for yourself.” I challenge as he pulls my underwear down smirking when he sees how wet I am, letting out a moan as he runs his fingers down my slit.

“mmmm, so wet for me. Can't wait to taste you. Can daddy have a taste?”

I moan as I lift my hips begging him to do something anything. He presses my hips back down on the bed tutting at me.

“Now, Now princess, that isn't an answer. Use your big girl words. Can daddy have a taste?” He says wrapping his arms around my thighs bringing me closer to his mouth.

“Please daddy. Want it to bad.” I whine giving in and begging like he wants me to. As soon as I said Daddy, his lips were on me. I moan loudly as he goes to work. Slurping can be heard as he works his tongue against me. He shakes his head from side to side as he works his tongue into me. I run my hands through his hair giving it a tug as he nips at my clit. He moans against me as he buries his face in my pussy. God, he's good at this. He takes time to suck on my clit as he presses a finger in me.

“Fuck, Daddy.” I moan as he drags his finger inside me.

Be back up using his finger on me to say “Fuck, you taste too good princess. You gonna be a good girl and cum on daddy's tongue?”

He adds another finger as I nod quickly “Yes daddy. Want to cum for you.”

He goes back to work finger fucking me fast and hard as he uses his tongue to toy with my clit.

“Fuck so close,” I warn as Grayson speeds up his movements. I can see him grinding against the bed as he works to get me off and fuck its hot.

“Cum for me princess.” He says before he sucks on my clit hard.

“Fuck, Grayson.” I moan, feeling myself release. He continues his movements not slowing down until he thinks I've ridden out my high. He comes back up to my face. His face covered in my arousal, he places one of his fingers in his mouth moaning at the taste. I tap his other finger against my mouth asking me to suck on it. I open my mouth taking his finger in. I hollow my check and suck on it like I would his dick. I moan against his finger making a show of tasting myself. He pulls his finger out of my mouth placing a kiss on my lips.

“Wanna suck your cock Daddy,” I say as I reach for his basketball shorts. He moans allowing me to pull them down. His length slaps against his abs, he's not wearing underwear. He allows me to switch places with him. His back leaning against the headboard. Looking down at me with curious lust filled eyes. I get situated in between his thick thighs before taking his impressive length in my hand. His hips buck into my touch as I drag my hand up and down his cock. Taking some of the pre-cum he's leaking spreading it across the head before dragging it down. He moans as my thumb swipes cross the head of his cock. I gently take the head in my mouth as his hands quickly go to the back of my head fingers lacing through the hair. I start slow taking a little at a time. Making sure to run my tongue against the vein under his cock. He's making noises but not as loud as I want him to be so I pull out all the stops. Deciding to take as much of him as possible. I relax my throat before I take him as far as I can, my nose touching his manscaped pubes. He groans loudly pulling my hair a little hard. I come back up for air, using my hands to jerk him lightly. I take the time to roll his balls in my hand as I take him back into my mouth all the way down my throat again. He pulls me off him with a loud breathe “Fuck, I'm gonna cum if you keep doing that. Need to be inside you.”

He moves me to lay on my back as he kisses me once more. Cock brushing against my folds as he does so causing us both to moan. He pulls away looks into my eyes before asking “Are you sure you want this?”

“Grayson, if you don't fuck me now I'll get Ethan too.”

That triggered something in him because he grabs his length teasing my clit with the head before he slowly presses himself into me. Taking is time making me feel every inch he has to offer. Once he's bottomed out, he looks up at me.

“Fuck so tight.” he moans “Let me know when I can move.”

It stings a bit, to be honest, I'd ever been with someone so big before. I take a moment to compose myself before I open my eyes to see Grayson with his eyes closed and head tipped back.

“You can move,” I whisper. His head snaps down to look at me before slowly pulling out and pushing back in. He's going gentle trying to get me use to him pounding my walls. A couple of thrusts and it's begging to feel amazing. I lift my leg up a bit and Grayson takes notice grabbing it and hooking it around his hip. This angle causing him to go deeper than before. I moan loudly as he hits the spot inside me.

“There?” He smirks as he rams into me a little harder.

“Fuck right there daddy.” I moan as he angles his hips to hit that spot every time. Skin slapping skin can be heard as well as moans from both of us.

“Harder please,” I beg as I scrape my acrylic nails down his back. He groans as he begins fucking me harder causing the bed to lightly knock into the wall.

“Such a tight little pussy. Fuck so wet for me. Feels so good.” Grayson moans in my ear hips never stopping his rough fast pace.

I reach down to rub my clit feeling incredibly close, Grayson slaps my hand away, using his thumb to run the nub “That's my job princess.” He says as he takes me faster.

“Fuck so close,” I warn as his thrust begin getting sloppy.

“Fuck me too,” Grayson says moving faster than before.

My back arches as I come to my climax, feeling his hard chest move against mine as he thrust one last time before releasing inside me. Warmth spreads throughout my body as he slumps against me. Pressing a wet kiss on my neck. He stays inside me and I feel him soften before he pulls out sitting on his knees to watch his seed leak out of me. He groans using his fingers to push some of it back in.

He removes his fingers coming back up to me tapping my mouth once more. I open it welcoming is cum. I suck his cum off his fingers humming at the taste as he lets out a soft groan.

“Fuck you're hot.” He says removing his fingers from my mouth. He lays beside me, pulling my flushed body into his.

Silence falls over the room. No one says anything. Grayson's fingers dig into my hips as if he's afraid I'll vanish. I turn to face the twin who was already looking at me.

“What the hell was that?” I ask, amusement in my voice.

He looks at me sheepishly before saying “I um...now probably isn't the best time to admit this but I um...I've always liked you and well...the girl I was talking about...”

“She wasn't real was she?” I ask

His face flushes “No...she um...she wasn't. I was by myself thinking of you.”

“You couldn't get there?” I asked placing my hands on his toned chest. He relaxes under my touch.

“I couldn't but, this wasn't about that...I um..I was horny obviously but I wanted you. I understand if you want this to be a one-time thing, I-”

“I like you too, you dumb ass.” I interrupt him

“Y-You do?” he asks surprise in his voice.

“Of course I do. Why do you think I'm always here?” I ask

“You told me that your apartment isn't quite enough to edit.” He says looking at me with a smile “You just wanted an excuse to be here?”

I nod “Ethan came up with the idea.”

“Ethan knew?” He asks annoyance in his voice

“I made him promise not to tell you,” I admit.

“What does this make us?” Grayson asks with a small voice, eyes trained on my collar bones.

“How about we go on a date and see where we go from there?” I ask as he looks up at me.

He nods leaning in to kiss me again, his bedroom door opens and a very annoyed looking Ethan walks in.

“I'm glad you two got together or whatever but did you really need to fuck while I was home?” Ethan says with a disgusted look on his face.

I laugh loudly “Sorry E.”

#grayson dolan smut #ethan dolan smut #dolan twins #dolan twins smut

[little-dragon-stories]

Everything happens for a reason

Part 1: Préambule

Fake texts and scenario serie.

Pairing all BTS and Jungkook's sister y/n.

Featuring Shinee Taemin

W.C. 1647

Being a talented backup dancer for Taemin was like a dream come true for Jungkook's sister. Until something happened and changed her life forever. Is y/n gonna be able to hit a stage again? Who's the man y/n is secretely in love with? Does he love her back?

Hanging on the phone with your brother Jungkook, you thought to yourself that being the only girl of the Jeon family was really the best thing in the world.

Every time you are stressed, it’s thinking about your family that helps you calm down. The memory of your childhood, the feeling you belong to a brotherhood always gives you confidence in yourself. No matter how things will turned out, you will always be a Jeon and belong to that loving family. Tonight was no exception. You needed to feel your brothers close to you, you needed their strength to calm down your nerves. Tonight the memories were not enough, you needed to talk to the both of them. You called your Oppa first and talked for a few minutes then you called your dongseng Kookie.

Your big brother was over protective of you but it was nothing compare to your dongseng. That kid was always watching after you even if you are older than him. Things haven’t changed although none of you is living in the family house anymore. Ever since you are kids, Jungkook has been protecting you (and even his hyung) from every dangerous situations, trying his best to keep you away from problems also known as boys.

It was worse since you joined Taemin’s dancers team 3 years ago. And it was hell now that you were his “special stage” dancer. Jungkook keep telling you he can’t look at you dancing on “sexuality”, “move” and “want”. He was calling you after each performance on tv, show, gala to comment. It’s a good thing that you are often out of the country because he would have come to your apartment after every performance to complain about the way Taemin was looking at you. He would comment the dress you wear, the choreography, the way the other male dancers looked at certains parts of your anatomy… But all of that was his own mental creation. You know very well that Taemin and the boys are just acting on stage. You became very close to him now and there is absolutely nothing more than friendship between the 2 of you and between you and the other dancers as well.

“Kookie, it’s not that bad you know. The most sexual part of “sexuality”, he does it with the male dancers, the girls are not on stage then”.

“Noona, haven’t you seen yourself? I don’t like that”.

“So you're telling me you can flash your abs in front millions of fans but I can’t dance completely dressed?”

“It’s the moves you are making Noona, don’t pretend you don’t know what I am talking about, you are teasing”.

“Guk, name me a stage dancer that is not doing it? It’s my job. You have sexy choreo too. Plus, it could have been worse, I could have been dancing for Bigbang and have my ass spanked during “Baebae”. Ooooof! I should have auditioned for YG. GD spanking me is a whole kink”.

“Are you done” he said, shocked.

As you were dressing up for the Mamas performance, you remembered that conversation you had with your little brother last month. You love to tease him so much. That boy has the innocence and the kindness of a baby but the body of a greek sculpture. He has no idea how attractive he can be without doing anything and you want to keep it that way, he’s too pure, generous and soft for this world. Well, now that thousands of fans are screaming his name while pulling their hairs, he have an idea of how seductive he is but it’s still not close to the real effect he has on woman.

“What are you thinking about” Taemin asked you, resting his chin on your shoulder while you were fixing your top. “You are smiling all by yourself ladybug”.

“I was thinking about my dongseng. We are suppose to meet after the gala and share a meal together”.

“Say hi for me, your brother is so nice”.

“He really is”.

“You will order room service?”

Now fixing the bun on the top of your head, you answered.

“No, we are going out. I think he said Japanese ramyun. I am so nervous, I don’t remember what he said”. You added a few bobby pins on your hairs, just to make sure that it will stay in place although the hairdresser had already fixed it twice.

“I had a beer with Jimin last night. We talked about you. You have fans in that dorm… he said the boys keep yelling and screaming and cheering each time you are on tv with me. I shouldn’t have hire you, you are stealing my spotlight”. Taemin said, laughing.

You turned around and hugged him, clasping your arms around his slim but muscular waist.

“Come on Taeminie, we all know that without you and your advices, I wouldn’t be the dancer I am today. Working with the best made me better! Plus… come on! You sexy monster, nobody can take the spotlight away from you. You are mesmerising on a stage and you know it”.

“Girl, stop it! you were already talented, you wouldn’t be dancing with the sexy monster otherwise”.

You took a step back.

“Thanks Taeminie. That is nice of you to say it”, you said, bowing at him.

He might be your friend but now, it’s also with your boss you are talking to. The man who gave you the opportunity to live from your art all around the world. You will always be grateful that he was the first to believe in you and became your friend. After all, you know it’s a privilege to be friend with an idol, they don’t have a lot of free time.

Being with him was always nice and cosy but you became real friends after Jonghyun’s suicide. He was devastated and you helped him and his bandmates a lot after the event. Cooking for them, talking, making them see things with different perspectives, helping them to cope with the loss of their brother. You were always a great support, a source of strength and positivity.

Recently, you spent a lot of time with him alone as his 3 hyungs are in the military, leaving him alone to represent Shinee and to consolidate his position in the kpop industry.

“Let’s go, meeting in 2 minutes. We’re hitting the stage of the mamas for the 3rd time together, are you excited ladybug?” He asked, grabbing your hand to guide you. “I love that song so much. Hopefully, that special stage choreo will please the ladies in the house”

“I am always nervous before the mamas Taeminie but tonight is worse than ever. We will be only the 2 of us on that big stage… for a whole 3.45 minutes, dancing on WANT… and so many people will be watching it. In front of my brother. In front of his bandmates. In front of GD… no, I forgot he’s in the military. Omg, I think I am going to vomit”.

Unusually for you, you were overtalking. Another proof that the stress was at his maximum.

“You won’t, that’s why we are making this job right? To be seen by as much people as possible”.

“Well, I guess that…”

You don’t have the time to finish your senten. Someone from the organisation came and told Taemin he has to be on the stage in 5 minutes. Hand in hand with your best friend, you joined the other member of the team for a little pep talk before the show. During that last minute ritual, you shared a group hug and listened to Taemin’s kind words. After that ritual, you took place backstage and waited for your entrance.

Dancing in front of the cameras has always been the hardest part for you, you can’t get use to it even if you are doing it for the last 3 years. But the most difficult part will always be to dance in front of your dongseng Jungkook. You know he doesn’t like to see his sister dancing Taemin’s choreography. He founds it too sensual, too suggestive. He hides it from the camera eyes, it’s after the performance that he shows his true side to you.

As you were dancing tonight, you glance in the public, in the exact spot your brother is suppose to be taking place. He is there, surrounded by Tae on his left and Jin on his right. They are dancing and singing at the song, a big smile on their face. You don’t have much time to look at them but you recognise the silhouette of Jimin directly behind Kookie surrounded by Hoseok on his right, Namjoon on his left and Yoongi on the other side of Namjoon. All of their eyes seems to be on you, but you must be imagining things.

Knowing you still have 3 seconds before you turn your head towards Taeminie, you look at your brother. What you see in his eyes is proudness. He is proud of you and he’s smiling genuinely. He and his bandmates are doing the choreo with you and singing along. You love that kid so much.

That is the last thing you will remember from that night, the proud smile of your sibling, his soft eyes on you.

Suddenly you feel Taemin collapsing against you, you didn’t see him coming. Looking at your brother in the eyes, you are launch on the floor under Taemin's body, both his hands recovering your head. For a second you think “god this is not in the choreography”.

This is the last thing you have in mind a fraction of a second before a part of the ceiling fell down on your legs.

#bts #bts fake texts #bts fluff #bts angst #bts serie #bts scenario #taemin #bts yoongi #bts rm #bts jhope #bts v #bts jungkook #bts jin #shinee taemin #bts jimin #bts sister #bts fake text serie #bts scenario serie #kpop serie

[bcrlowes]

* ✧ ◞  it looks like BELLA HADID has stepped off of their private jet & into the hamptons – oh wait , that’s actually WREN BARLOWE ! the resemblance is uncanny . word on the street is you’re TWENTY - TWO & a CISFEMALE , preferring to go by SHE/HER pronouns . don’t worry , your mansion has been waiting for your return from MANHATTAN, so we do hope you’ll stay awhile . it seems like everyone who knows you best loves you for being ENTHRALLING & LACONIC, but god ! your APATHETIC & CAUSTIC tendencies can be such a turn off . in any case , everyone on instagram likes to associate you with BLOOD RED LIPS ON A WHISKEY GLASS, HIDDEN AGENDAS, AND CIGARETTES AFTER SEX .

is july too late for the whole new year new me attitude because i think this is the first time i’ve ever been prepared to drop my intro on time, the fact that i copied and pasted about 90% of it notwithstanding ksksksk. i’m madd and i’m at a wedding today so wish me luck with that because it’s a million degrees and my face is going to melt off. i might be mobile though we will see how it goes. i’ll put some fun facts about little miss sunshine under the cut. pack your bags though because this one is a trip!

wren is basically one part babydoll, one part ice queen, and two parts troublemaker all wrapped up in one pretty little package. i guess heinous bitch is probably the best way to describe her.

she’s got money coming in from both parents tbh. dad is one of those ruthless bastards who buys companies that are falling apart, destroys them further, and makes a crap load of money selling them off for spare parts and her mom was a diamond heiress.

growing up she didn’t really ever fully grasp the meaning of the word “no” and she got anything and everything she asked for. usually shit above and beyond that too.

except all of the money in the world cant stop genetics so when her mother developed cancer when she was ten there wasn’t much the family could do except make her comfortable for the remaining two years of her life.

watching her mom waste away was probably the worst thing that wren could ever imagine bc she worshipped the ground she walked on?

spent the rest of her formative years going to board meetings with her dad bc the little monster ate up all of the nannies and spit back out the empty husks.

really developed a love for what her father did bc even then she was a little demon child.

but in the years following the death of his wife, her father made a coupe of bad business decisions and while they aren’t poor by anyone’s standards, unless he got his shit together they were only going to be able to keep up appearances with their peers for so long.

so he sat wren down one day and told her that he needed her help and let me tell you the girl was so EXCITED. she thought he was going to say he needed her advice with the business and he was finally seeing her worth and she had charts and power points and oh boy she was ready.to.go.

except daddy dearest told her the only way she could help them was to rope in a good husband so not only could he help pay off the debts her father had been accruing but wren’s trust fund from her mother would kick in.

needless to say she was not exactly thrilled at the prospect.

suddenly every friend she had who had an xy chromosome was a target for her father.

and where she had always been a bit of a spitfire the girl became cold andRUTHLESS. using her razor sharp wit to chase away just about every eligible male she possibly could.

but it kind of backfired on her a lil bit. bc apparently boys thought she was playing hard to get and it frustrated the hell out of her but. u no. playing with people like puppets is p fun and she found a new hobby. YAY

on top of that she started sleeping with her dad’s best friend just to spite him. yikes.

she ended up using her womanly wiles to fix the money problems just like her dad had always wanted but maybe not in the exact fashion he had wanted her to.

see he had borrowed a lot of money from his best friend (who was actually a p shady character. think like .... not a mob boss but certainly not someone to be trifled with) and wren manged to master the art of pillow talk and got all of those loans signed over to herself. which she then immediately called in and seized control of her dad’s business, did as she had been taught and absolutely destroyed it and sold off the pieces.

personality wise she’s a gd snake in the grass. like she’s got a kind of tight knit group of friends but even they fall victim to her acid tongue on a daily basis.

so fucking catty i cannot.

but also very much a talk shit get hit kind of person??

like sometimes she will insult you in such a way that you aren’t sure if its an insult or a compliment and she’ll be smiling ang then sometimes she’s just in your face and nasty.

judges everyone constantly.

10/10 will throw you under the bus if it benefits her. and then drag you out and toss your corpse onto the train tracks so she can squeeze out whatever is left.

rocks bella’s perfect resting bitch face like its nobody’s business.

as bad as it sounds kskksks i don’t think she’s ever had a serious relationship with someone who wasn’t married? she’s just too selfish to devote her time to someone who is going to expect more out of her than what she wants to give. and if you push her she really just kicks you to the curb.

patience level 0 over here.

a p accomplished equestrian.

going to columbia for business.

does anything and everything to spite her father.

plots woo

so clearly she’s changed quite a bit over the past couple of years. she was never explicitly nice before. she’s always been a bit of a blair waldorf tbh but now she’s just…… blair on all of the steriods so i see her having a fair bit of enemies.

though frenemies are the way to go tbh bc keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

it would be cool if i could find someone who she might actually feel something for. gender doesn’t matter tbh bc she says she hates everyone equally.

i love anything angsty like pls fuck me up.

#hamptons:intro #crossing my fingers i got the tag right

[nottskyler]

The Biggest Missionary Lesson

A coping mechanism I have to not be driven insane by people in authority who make poor decisions is to imagine if I were in authority how would I solve this problem. So this is a missionary story, sorry.

On my mission, every single district leader, sister training leader, and zone leader all knew exactly what we needed to add to our scripture study time to be better missionaries or what we needed to do in lessons to be more successful or what patterns we had to perform in our limited individual time of getting ready for the day or bed. Some mild exaggeration, but this was when the story of Aaron, the son of Mosiah, really resonated with me.

Aaron Mosiahson: I think he is the eldest son?? All we know is that he is the one everyone wanted to be king after Mosiah, but Aaron was like “No, I’m too busy serving a mission and I don’t want to be king.” There is not much more context other than King Mosiah convincing everyone into a version of an elected government when he says, what if my son comes back and decides to be king and starts a war? what if my son did become a king because you asked him to and then fell back into his wicked ways? So what I say next is me reading into things with my actor imagination as to what that means for Aaron. What I feel this to mean is that for Aaron, taking the throne means returning to his sinful self. For whatever reason, Aaron taking the throne means he will lose his soul and not be saved.

Flash forward some time, Aaron is teaching the King of the Lamanites. This is the King of all the Lamanites, someone he was supposed to be for the Nephites but he turned it down because he knew he would lose his soul if he took the throne. In my mission, my mission president liked to use the story of King Laman (which is totally the main King of the Lamanites name if we look at Lamanitish tradition of the time) to show that we needed to wait to baptize until the convert was ready to give up the entire kingdom instead of only half, but it struck me that when King Laman was ready to give up his entire kingdom, he was being taught by Aaron, you know the one who had just given up his entire kingdom to save his soul.

But Aaron got the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He didn’t tell King Laman, you have to give up your kingdom in order to be saved. He knew that it was sins and false traditions and incorrect beliefs are what hold people back from being saved and that for him personally that meant going back to being pampered and every whim obeyed as a king. But he knew that was his personal application and that it didn’t apply to King Laman. He taught the Gospel of Jesus Christ and nothing else, knowing if that was what Gd did require of King Laman that Gd would tell him Himself. But it wasn’t, King Laman establish religious freedom in his country and passed his kingdom on to his son.

This, this, this, THIS! is what I wanted my missionary leaders to know. Gd revealed to them some pattern to help them make their personal study time, lessons, prep time more effective, but it was for them! It wasn’t something they were then to impose on all the missionaries under them because it is gilding the perfect flower of the Gospel of Jesus Christ (some great talk by Uchtdorf) so much that we lose all sight of the natural beauty of the flower. We testify of the goodness of Gd and how He has helped us. We can bear testimony of how He has helped us, but when we start imposing our revelation on others is when we are crossing a line. Everyone has to get their own revelation on how to progress at a certain point and it is very likely to be different than our own.

Bringing this back to being queer and in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I really think this is where the anti-gay and anti-trans policies come from. Some bisexual was told to not be with someone of the same sex so they could have a certain type of family that they needed to have and they extrapolated it to mean that all gay relationships are wrong. Someone was confused about their gender and prayed to know what was right and it was confirmed to them that they were their gender assigned at birth even though they didn’t fit into the stereotypes. Guess what? Those are valid revelations given to them, but they don’t apply to everyone.

What does apply to everyone? The Gospel of Jesus Christ, including the pattern of making and keeping covenants. I wish this mentality was more prevalent in the Church and the world, but everyone wants to make an impact on the world by having people follow the key piece of advice they found to work for them. I wish people would see that while some people feel they are supposed to remain celibate or not transition that is their deal and shouldn’t be expected of everyone in similar situations. Gd loves us all and He is usually the one to reveal to a queer person their identity and then slowly gives them their path. 

I think the straight and narrow path is hard to find because it is our path that has only been trodden by the Savior previously. We can’t get to heaven by following anyone but the Savior. Yes, the prophet is in a watchtower point the way, but sometimes our path needs to go in a direction to travel along the switchbacks up the mountain or to go around a rock or to not fall off a cliff. Christ is the only one that knows the path that is specifically marked for each of us and it is time for us to stop forcing what we know on others. This is as much to myself as it is to anyone because I find myself doing this too.

We ought to teach nothing but the Gospel of Jesus Christ, everything else takes us away from who we are meant to become. Stop gilding the flower and share it in its pure form.

#the book of mormon #missionary story #the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints #i thought i posted this already but i didn't #sorry for referencing it before i actually posted it

[mrkwonandmrchoibabygirl]

Now 2~Gdragon Pt.30

Genre:Angst/SMUT

Rated:NSFW

Pairing: GD X Reader

wordcount:7,138

Masterlist

DISCLAIMER!:remember this is just an edit of an original book called after by anna todd i do not own this book!

Y/N POV

Nine days. Nine days have gone by without a single word from Jiyong. I didn’t think it was possible for me to go a single day without speaking to him, let alone nine. It feels like one hundred, honestly, though each hour does hurt microscopically less than the prior one. It hasn’t been easy, not even close to that. Ken made a call to Mr. Vance asking that I be allowed to take the rest of the week off, which only meant missing one day anyway.

I know I’m the one who left, the one who walked away, but it kills me that he hasn’t even tried to get in touch with me. I have always given more in the relationship, and this was his chance to show me how he truly feels. I guess in a way he’s showing me—it’s just that what he feels is the opposite of what I had desperately wanted. Needed.

I know that Jiyong loves me, I do. However, I also know that if he loves me as much as I thought he did, he would have made it a point to show me by now. He said he wasn’t going to let this go, but he did. He let it go, and he let me go. The part that scares me the most is that the first week I was walking around completely lost. I was lost without Jiyong. Lost without his witty comments. Lost without his crude remarks. Lost without his assurance and his confidence. Lost without the way he’d sometimes draw circles on my hand while holding it between his, the way he’d kiss me for no reason and smile at me when he thought I wasn’t looking. I don’t want to be lost without him; I want to be strong. I want my days and nights to be just the same whether I’m alone or not. I’m beginning to suspect I may always be alone, as dramatic as the thought seems; I wasn’t happy with Noah, yet Jiyong and I didn’t work. Maybe I’m like my mother in that way. Maybe I’m better off alone.

I didn’t want it to be over this way, so cut-and-dried. I wanted to talk about everything, I wanted him to answer my calls so we could come to some sort of agreement. I just needed space, I needed a break from him to show him that I’m not his doormat. It backfired on me because he obviously doesn’t care as much as I thought he did. Maybe this was his plan all along: get me to break up with him. I’ve known a few girls who go that route when leaving their boyfriends.

During the first day I did expect a call, text, or hell, I really expected Jiyong to come bursting through the door screaming at the top of his lungs and causing a scene while his family and I sat in the dining room in silence, no one quite sure what to say to me. When that didn’t happen, I lost it. Not crying-in-the-corner, feeling-sorry-for-myself lost it. I mean I lost myself. Every second I lived in anticipation of Jiyong coming back to grovel for my forgiveness. I almost gave in that day. I almost went back to the apartment. I was ready to tell him to hell with marriage, I don’t care if he lies to me every day and doesn’t respect me, as long as he never leaves me. Thankfully, I snapped out of that and salvaged some respect for myself.

Day three was the worst. Day three was when the realization really began to hit me. Day three was when I finally spoke after three days of near silence, having only muttered a simple yes or no to Taeyang or Karen during their awkward attempts to engage me in conversation. The only sounds that actually came out were a strangled sob and a choppy explanation through tears of why my life would be better, easier, without him that even I didn’t believe. Day three was when I finally looked in the mirror at my dirty and bruised face, my eyes swollen to the point of barely opening. Day three was when I fell to the floor, finally praying to God to make the pain disappear. No one can handle this pain, I told Him. Not even me. Day three I called him, I couldn’t help myself. I told myself that if he answers we would work it out and both come to a compromise, apologizing profusely and promising to never leave each other again. Instead, I got his voicemail after two rings, proving that he rejected the call.

Day four, I slipped and called him again. This time he had the courtesy to let it ring to voicemail instead of pressing ignore. Day four was when I realized how much more I actually care for him than he does me. Day four was when I spent the entire day in bed reliving the few times he actually told me how he felt about me. I began to realize that most of our relationship and how I portrayed his feelings for me in my mind was just that . . . in my mind. I began to realize that while I was thinking we could do this, we could make this work forever, he wasn’t thinking about me at all.

That was the day I decide to join the ranks of normal teenagers and had Taeyang show me how to download music onto my phone. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Over one hundred songs were added, and headphones were put in my ears and barely removed for almost twenty-four hours. The music helps a lot. To hear about other people’s pain reminds me that I’m not the only one to suffer in life. I’m not the only one who loved someone who didn’t love them enough to fight for them.

Day five was when I finally showered and attempted to go to class. I went to yoga, hoping that I could handle the memories it would evoke. I felt strange walking around in a sea of cheery college students. I used all the energy I had in hoping that I wouldn’t run into Jiyong on campus. I was past the stage of wanting him to call. I managed to drink half of my coffee that morning, and Taeyang told me that the color was coming back into my cheeks. No one seemed to notice me, and that was exactly what I wanted. Professor Soto assigned us to write down our biggest fears when it comes to life and how they relate to faith and God. “Are you afraid to die?” he asked us. Aren’t I already dead? I answered silently.

Day six was a Tuesday. I began to speak in sentences, broken sentences that usually didn’t relate to the subject at hand, but no one had the heart to call me out on it. I returned to Vance. Kimberly couldn’t meet my eyes for the first part of the day, but she finally attempted to have a conversation, which I couldn’t bring myself to participate in. She mentioned a dinner, and I reminded myself to ask her again when I can think straight. The day was spent staring at the first page of a manuscript that, no matter how many times I read and reread it, wouldn’t soak in. I ate that day, more than just the rice or a banana I had in the days before. Karen made a ham—I only noticed because it reminded me that she made one for the dinner Jiyong and I had here in the beginning. The images from that night, the picture of him sitting next to me and holding my hand under the table, sent me back into my tragic state, making me spend the night in the bathroom vomiting up the small bit of food I had consumed.

As day seven dragged on I began to imagine what would happen if I didn’t have to feel this pain anymore. What if I just disappeared? The thought terrified me—not because of my death, but because my mind was capable of going to such a dark place. That thought snapped me out of my downward spiral and brought me to the closest thing to reality my mind can handle. I changed my shirt and vowed to never step foot in Jiyong’s bedroom again, no matter what happened. I began to look up apartments that I could afford close to Vance, and online classes at SCU. I enjoy academics too much to close myself off and take online classes, so I ultimately decided against it, but I found a few apartments to look into.

Day eight I smiled, briefly, but everyone noticed. Day eight was the first morning that I grabbed my usual donut and coffee when I arrived at Vance. I kept it down and even went back for more. I saw Trevor, who told me I looked beautiful despite my wrinkled clothes and hollow eyes. Day eight was the shift, day eight was the first day that only half of my time was spent wishing that things had gone differently between Jiyong and me. I heard Ken and Karen discussing Jiyong’s birthday in a few days, and I was surprised to only feel a slight burn in my chest at the sound of his name.

Day nine is today.

“I’ll be downstairs!” Taeyang calls through the door of “my” bedroom.

No one has even mentioned me leaving, or where I would go if I did. I’m grateful for it, but at the same time I know my presence will eventually be a burden. Taeyang keeps assuring me that I can stay as long as I need to, and Karen reminds me how much she enjoys my company multiple times a day. But at the end of the day, they’re Jiyong’s family. I want to make a move forward, decide where I should go and where I should live, and I’m no longer afraid.

I cannot, and refuse to, spend another day crying over a dishonest boy with tattoos who doesn’t love me anymore.

When I see Taeyang downstairs, he’s taking a large bite of a bagel; a dab of cream cheese rests in the corner of his mouth and his tongue darts out to retrieve it. “Morning.” He smiles, his cheek full and eyes wide.

“Morning,” I repeat and pour a glass of water.

He continues to stare at me while I sip my water. “What?” I finally ask him.

“You . . . well . . . you look great,” he says.

“Thank you. I decided to shower and come back from the dead,” I joke, and he smiles slowly as if he’s unsure about my mental state. “Really, it’s fine,” I assure him, and he takes another bite of his bagel, finishing it.

I decide to put one in the toaster for myself and try not to notice Taeyang staring at me like I’m an animal in a zoo.

“I’m ready whenever you are,” I tell him after finishing my breakfast.

“ Y/N , you look so gorgeous today!” Karen exclaims when she enters the kitchen.

“Thank you.” I smile at her.

Today’s the first day that I’ve taken the time to get ready, really ready and presentable. The last eight days I have gone far away from my usual neat appearance. Today I feel like myself. My new self. My “After Jiyong” self. Day nine is my day.

“That dress is flattering.” Karen compliments me again.

The yellow dress that Trish got me for Christmas fits well and it’s very casual. I’m not going to make the same mistake as last time and attempt to wear heels to classes, so my Toms it is. Half of my hair is pinned back, with a few loose curls tapering over my face. My makeup is subtle, but I think it suits me well. My eyes burned slightly as I dragged the brown liner underneath my eye . . . makeup surely wasn’t on my list of priorities during my downward spiral.

“Thank you so much.” I smile again.

“Have a great day.” Karen smiles, clearly surprised but very pleased at my return to the real world.

This must be what it’s like to have a caring mother, someone to send you off to school with kind and encouraging words. Someone unlike my mother.

My mother . . . I have dodged all calls from her, and thankfully so. She was the last person I wanted to speak to, but now that I can breathe without wanting to rip my heart from my chest, I actually want to call her.

“Oh, Y/N , will you be riding with us to Christian’s house on Sunday?” Karen asks just as I reach the door.

“Sunday?”

“The dinner they’re having to celebrate their move to Seattle?” she tells me as if I should know this already. “Kimberly said she told you about it? If you don’t want to go, I know they’ll understand,” she assures me.

“No, no. I want to go. I’ll ride with you.” I smile. I am ready for this. I can be in public, in a social setting, without cracking. My subconscious is mute for the first time in nine days, and I thank her before following Taeyang outside.

The weather mirrors my mood, sunny and somewhat warm for the end of January. “Are you going on Sunday?” I ask him once we get in the car.

“No, I’m leaving tonight, remember?” he replies.

“What?”

He looks at me with a wrinkled brow. “I’m going to New York for the weekend. Dakota is moving into her apartment there. I told you a few days ago.”

“I’m so sorry, I should’ve paid more attention to you instead of making it all about me,” I tell him. I can’t believe how selfish I’ve been to not even pay attention to him telling me about Dakota’s move to New York.

“No, it’s okay. I only briefly mentioned it, anyway. I didn’t want to rub it in your face when you were . . . well, you know.”

“A zombie?” I finish for him.

“Yes, a very scary zombie,” he jokes, and I smile for the fifth time in nine days. It feels nice.

“When will you be back?” I ask Taeyang .

“Monday morning. I’ll miss Religion, but I’ll be there right after.”

“Wow, that’s exciting. New York will be incredible.” I would love to escape, to get out of here for a while.

“I was worried about going and leaving you here,” he tells me, and guilt fills me.

“Don’t be! You already do way too much for me; it’s time I do things for myself. I don’t want you to ever think about not doing something for yourself because of me. I’m so sorry that I made you feel that way,” I tell him.

“It’s not your fault, it’s his,” he reminds me, and I nod.

My headphones go back into my ears, and Taeyang smiles.

IN RELIGION, PROFESSOR SOTO chooses the subject of pain. For a moment I swear he’s done it on my behalf, to torture me, but when I begin to write about how pain can cause people to turn to or away from their faith and God, I’m thankful for this torture. My entry ends up being filled with thoughts about how pain can change you, how pain can make you much stronger, and in the end you don’t need faith as much. You need yourself. You need to be strong and not allow pain to push you or pull you into anything.

I end up going back to the coffeehouse before yoga to acquire more energy. On my way back to yoga I pass the environmental studies building and my mind goes to Seungri. I wonder if he’s in there now. I assume he is, but I don’t have a clue about his schedule.

Before I can overthink it, I go inside. I have a little time before my class begins, and it’s less than a five-minute walk from here.

I look around the large lobby of the building. Just like I might have expected, large trees fill most of the massive space. Sticking to the theme, the ceiling is mostly skylights, giving the illusion that it’s almost nonexistent.

“ Y/N ?”

I turn, and indeed, there is Seungri, wearing a lab coat and thick safety goggles on top of his head that push his hair back. 

“Hey . . .” I say.

He smiles. “What are you doing in here? Did you change your major?”

I adore the way his tongue hides behind his teeth when he smiles, I always have. “I was looking for you, actually.”

“You were?” He seems astounded.

Jiyong POV

Nine days.

Nine days have gone by without speaking to Y/N . I didn’t think it was possible for me to go a single day without speaking to her, let alone nine fucking days. It feels like one thousand, and each hour is more painful than the last.

When she left the apartment that night, I waited and waited to hear her footsteps rush through the door, and I waited for her voice to begin screaming at me. It didn’t come. I sat on the floor waiting and waiting. It never came. She never came.

I finished the beer in my fridge and smashed the evidence against the wall. The next morning when I woke up and she was still gone, I packed my shit. I got on a plane to get the fuck out of Seoul. If she was going to come back, it would have been that night. I needed to get out of there and get some space. With alcohol on my breath and stains on my white T-shirt, I left for the airport. I didn’t call my mum before I got there; it’s not like she had anything going on anyway.

If Y/N calls me before I get on the flight, I’ll turn around. But if not, then too bad, I kept thinking. She had her chance to come back to me. She does every other time, no matter what I do, so why is this time so different? It’s not like I did anything, really; I lied to her, but it was a small-ass lie and she overreacted.

If anyone should be pissed off, it’s me. She brought Seungrito my fucking house. On top of that, Taeyang comes barging in like the fucking Hulk and slams me into the wall? What the actual fuck.

This whole situation is utterly fucked up and it’s not my fault. Well, maybe it is, but she can come crawling back to me, not the other way around. I love her, but I’m not making the first move.

Day one was spent mostly on the airplane sleeping off my hangover. I got many dirty looks from snobby-ass flight attendants and assholes in business suits, but I could give a fuck less. They don’t mean shit to me. I took a cab to my mum’s and nearly choked the driver. Who charges that much for a fucking ten-mile cab ride?

My mum was shocked and happy to see me. She cried for a few minutes, but thankfully she stopped when Mike appeared. Apparently the two of them have begun to move her things into his house, and she plans on selling hers. I don’t give a shit about that house, so it’s no skin off my back. That place is full of shit memories with my drunk asshole of a dad.

It’s nice to be able to think these things without Y/N’s influence. I would feel slightly guilty being rude to my mum and her boyfriend if Y/N were here with me.

So thank God she isn’t.

Day two was exhausting as shit. I spent the entire afternoon listening to my mum talk about her plans for the summer and dodged her questions about why I’m home. I kept telling her if I wanted to talk about it I would. I came here for some goddamn peace, and all I get is more annoyance. I ended up at the pub down the street by eight. A pretty brunette with the same color eyes as Y/N smiled at me and offered me a drink that night. I declined somewhat politely, my kindness only coming out because of the color of her eyes. The longer I stared at them, the more I realized they weren’t the same as Y/N ’s. They were dull and held no life behind them. Y/N’s eyes are the most intriguing shade of gray that appears blue at first glance, until you really look at them. They’re nice, as far as eyes go. Why the fuck am I sitting at a pub thinking about eyeballs? Fuck.

I saw the disappointment in my mum’s eyes when I stumbled through the door after two in the morning, but I did my best to ignore it, mumbling a shit apology before forcing my way up the stairs.

Day three was when it started. Small thoughts of Y/N kept sneaking in at the most random times. While watching my mum hand-wash the dishes, I thought of Y/N loading the dishwasher constantly, making sure there was never a single dirty dish lying in the sink.

“We’re going to the fair today. Would you like to come?” my mum asked.

“No.”

“Please, Jiyong , you’re here visiting, and you’ve barely spoken to me or spent any time with me.”

“No, Mum.” I dismiss her.

“I know why you’re here,” she said softly.

I slammed my cup down on the table and stormed out of the kitchen.

I knew she would catch on that I was running, hiding really, from reality. I’m not sure what type of reality there is without Y/N , but I’m not ready to deal with the shit, so why does she have to pester me about it? If Y/N doesn’t want to be with me, then to hell with her. I don’t need her—I am better off alone, the way I had planned to be all along.

Seconds later my phone rang, but I ignored the call as soon as I saw her name. Why did she call me? To tell me she hates me or she needs her name off the lease, I was sure.

Goddammit, Jiyong, why did you do that? I kept asking myself. I didn’t have a good enough answer.

Day four began the worst way possible.

“ Jiyong , go upstairs!” she’s begging. No, not this again. One of the men slaps her across her face and she looks at the staircase; her eyes meet mine and I scream. Y/N .

“ Jiyong! Wake up, Jiyong ! Please wake up!” my mum screamed and shook me awake.

“Where is she? Where’s Y/N ?” I choked, sweat soaking my skin.

“She isn’t here, Jiyong .”

“But they . . .” It took me a moment to collect my thoughts and realize it was only a nightmare. The same nightmare I’ve had my entire life, only this time it was so much worse. My mother’s face was replaced with Y/N’s.

“Shhh . . . it’s okay. It was only a dream.” My mum cried and tried to hug me, but I gently pushed her arms back.

“No, I’m fine,” I assured her and told her to leave me alone.

I lay awake for the rest of the night trying to get the image out of my head, but I couldn’t.

Day four continued just as it started. My mum ignored me all day, which I thought I would want but it turned out I was sort of . . . lonely. I began to miss Y/N. I kept finding myself looking next to me to talk to her, to wait for her to say something that was sure to make me smile. I wanted to call her, my finger traced over that green button over one hundred times, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I can’t give her what she wants, and that isn’t going to be good enough for her. It’s better this way. I spent the afternoon looking up how much it would cost me to move my shit back here to England. This is where I’m going to end up anyway, so I might as well get it over with.

We would never work, Y/N and me. I always knew we wouldn’t last. We couldn’t. It wasn’t possible for us to be together always. She’s too damn good for me and I know it. Everyone knows it. I see the way people turn to stare at us everywhere we go, and I know they’re wondering why that beautiful girl is with me.

I had been staring at my phone while downing a half bottle of whiskey for hours before I turned off the light and fell asleep. I thought I heard the buzzing of my phone on the nightstand, but I was too drunk to sit up and answer. The nightmare came again; this time Y/N’s nightgown was soaked in blood and she cried for me to go away, to leave her there on that couch.

Day five I woke up to a flashing red light on my phone indicating that yet again I’d missed her call, only this time it wasn’t intentional. Day five was when I stared at her name on the screen before looking at picture after picture of her. When did I take so many? I hadn’t realized how many pictures I had snapped without her paying any mind.

While looking through the pictures, I kept remembering the way her voice sounds. I never liked American accents—they bore me and they’re annoying—but Y/N’s voice is perfect. Her accent is perfect, and I could listen to her speak all day, every single day. Will I ever hear her voice again?

This one’s my favorite, I thought at least ten times while looking through the photos. I finally settled on a picture of her lying on her stomach on the bed, her legs crossed in the air and her hair down, tucked behind her ear. She had her chin resting on one of her hands and her lips slightly parted as she took in the words in front of her on the screen of her e-reader. I snapped the picture the moment she caught me staring, the exact moment that a smile, the most beautiful smile, appeared on her face. She looked so happy to be looking at me in this picture. Does . . . well, did she always look at me that way?

That day, day five, was when the weight appeared on my chest. A constant reminder of what I’d done, and most likely lost. I should have called her that day while staring at her pictures. Did she stare at my pictures? She only has one to this day, and ironically I found myself wishing I’d have allowed her to take more. Day five was when I threw my phone against the wall in hopes of smashing it, but only cracked the screen. Day five was when I desperately wished she would call me. If she called me, then it would be okay, everything would be okay. We’d both apologize and I’d go home. If she was the one to call me, then I wouldn’t feel guilty for coming back into her life. I wondered if she was feeling the same way I was. Was every day getting harder for her? Did every second without me make it harder for her to breathe?

I began to lose my appetite that day. I just wasn’t hungry. I missed her cooking, even the simple meals that she would make for me. Hell, I missed watching her eat. I missed every goddamn thing about that infuriating girl with kind eyes. Day five was when I finally broke down. I cried like a bitch and didn’t even feel bad about it. I cried and cried. I couldn’t stop. I tried desperately, but she wouldn’t leave my mind. She wouldn’t leave me alone; she kept appearing, she kept saying she loved me, and she kept hugging me, and when I realized it was my imagination, I cried again.

Day six I woke with swollen and bloodshot eyes. I couldn’t believe the way I’d broken down the previous night. The weight on my chest had magnified, and I could barely see straight. Why was I such a fuckup? Why did I continue to treat her like shit? She’s the first person who has ever been able to see me, inside of me, the real me, and I treated her like shit. I blamed her for everything, when in reality it was me. It was always me—even when I didn’t seem to be doing anything wrong, I was. I was rude to her when she tried to talk to me about things. I yelled at her when she called me out on my bullshit. And I lied to her repeatedly. She has forgiven me for everything, always. I could always count on that, and maybe that’s why I treated her the way I did, because I knew I could. I smashed my phone under my boot on day six. I went half the day without eating. My mum offered me oatmeal, but when I tried to force myself to eat it, it nearly came back up. I hadn’t showered since day three, and I was a fucking wreck. I tried to listen as my mum told me the few things she needed me to get from the store, but I couldn’t hear her. All I could think of was Y/N and her need to go to Conner’s at least five days a week.

Y/N once told me I ruined her. Now, as I sit here trying to focus, trying to just catch my breath, I know that she was wrong. She ruined me. She got inside me and fucked me up. I had spent years building those walls—my entire life, really—and here she came in and tore them down, leaving me with nothing but rubble.

“Did you hear me, Jiyong ? I made a small list in case you didn’t,” my mum said, handing me the frilly piece of stationery.

“Yes.” My voice was barely audible.

“Are you sure you’re okay to go?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m good.” I stood up and tucked the list into my dirty jeans.

“I heard you last night, Jiyong , if you want to—”

“Don’t, Mum. Please don’t.” I nearly choked on my words. My mouth was so dry and my throat was aching.

“Okay.” Her eyes were full of sadness as I walked out of the house to head to the store just down the road.

The list only consisted of a few items, yet I couldn’t remember any of them without digging the damn paper out of my pocket. I managed to corral the few things: bread, jam, coffee beans, and some fruit. Looking at all the food in the store made my empty stomach turn. I took an apple for myself and began to force myself to eat it. It tasted like cardboard, and I could feel the small pieces hitting the pit of my stomach as I paid the elderly woman at the cash register.

I walked outside and it began to snow. The snow made me think of her, too. Everything made me think of her. My head was aching with a headache that refused to go away. I rubbed my fingers over my temples with my free hand and crossed the street.

“ Jiyong ? Kwon Jiyong?” a voice called from the other side of the street. No. It couldn’t be.

“Is that you?” she asked again.

Natalie.

This couldn’t be happening, I kept thinking as she walked toward me with her hands full of shopping bags.

“Erm . . . hey,” was all I could say, my mind frantic, my palms already beginning to sweat.

“I thought you moved?” she asked.

Her eyes were bright, not lifeless like I remembered as she cried and begged for me to let her stay at my house when she had nowhere to go.

“I did . . . I’m only visiting,” I told her, and she set her bags on the sidewalk.

“Well, that’s good.” She smiled.

How could she be smiling at me after what I had done to her?

“Uh . . . yeah. How are you?” I forced myself to ask the girl whose life I ruined.

“I’m good, really good,” she chirped and ran her hands over her swollen belly.

Swollen belly? Oh God. No, wait . . . the time line didn’t add up. Holy shit, that scared me for a second.

“You’re pregnant?” I asked, hoping that she was so I hadn’t just insulted her.

“Yeah, six months along. And engaged!” She smiled again, holding her small hand up to show me a gold ring on her finger.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, it’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?” She tucked her brown hair behind her ear and looked into my eyes, which were circled with blue rings from lack of sleep.

Her voice was so sweet that it made me feel a thousand times worse. I couldn’t stop picturing her face as she caught all of us watching her on the small screen. She’d screamed, literally screamed, and ran from the room. I didn’t follow her, of course. I just laughed at her, laughed at her humiliation and her pain.

“I’m really sorry,” I blurted. It was strange, weird, and necessary. I expected her to call me names, to tell me how fucked up of a person I am, to punch me, even.

What I didn’t expect was for her to wrap her arms around me and tell me she forgave me.

“How can you forgive me? I was so fucked up. I ruined your life,” I said; my eyes were burning.

“No, you didn’t. Well, you did at first, but in a way, it all worked out in the end,” she said, and I nearly vomited on her green sweater.

“What?”

“After you . . . well, you know . . . I had nowhere to go, so I found a church, a new church since mine exiled me, and that’s where I met Elijah.” Her face instantly lit up at the mention of his name.

“And now here we are nearly three years later, engaged and expecting. Everything happens for a reason, I guess? Sounds cheesy, huh?” She giggled.

The sound reminded me that she was always such a sweet girl. I just hadn’t given a shit; her kindness made it easier to prey on her.

“I suppose it does, but I’m really glad you found someone. I’ve been thinking about you lately . . . you know . . . what I did, and I felt like shit about it. I know you’re happy now, but that doesn’t excuse what I did to you. It wasn’t until Y/N that I—” I cut myself off.

A little smile tweaked her lips. “ Y/N ?”

I nearly passed out from the pain. “She’s, um . . . well . . . she’s . . .” I stutter.

“She’s what? Your wife?” Natalie’s words cut straight to the core as her eyes searched my fingers for a band.

“No, she was . . . she was my girlfriend.”

“Oh. So you date now?” she half teased; she could sense my pain, I was sure.

“No . . . well, only her.”

“I see. And now she’s not your girlfriend anymore?”

“Nope.” I brought my fingers to my lip ring.

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope things work out for you, the way they have for me,” she said.

“Thank you. Congratulations on the engagement and . . . baby,” I said uncomfortably.

“Thank you! We expect to marry this summer.”

“So soon?”

“Well, we’ve been engaged for two years.” She laughed.

“Wow.”

“It was fast, soon after we met,” Natalie explained.

I felt like an asshole as soon as the words left my mouth, but I asked: “Aren’t you too young?”

But she just smiled. “I’m nearly twenty-one, and it doesn’t make sense to wait. I’ve been fortunate enough to find the person I want to spend my life with at a young age—why waste any more time when he’s right in front of me asking that I do just that. I’m honored that he wants to make me his wife; there’s no greater expression of love than that.” As she explained, I could hear Y/N’s voice saying the words instead.

“I guess you’re right,” I told her and she smiled.

“Oh, there he is! I have to go—I’m freezing and pregnant, not a good combination.” She laughed before picking her bags up off the sidewalk and greeting a man in a sweater vest and khakis. His smile when seeing his pregnant fiancée was so bright that I swore it lit up that dreary day in England.

Day seven was long. Every day has been long. I kept thinking of Natalie and her forgiveness; it couldn’t have come at a better time. Sure, I looked like hell and she knew it, but she was happy and in love. Pregnant, at that. I didn’t ruin her life the way I thought I had.

And I thank God for that.

I spent the whole day in bed. I couldn’t even bring myself to open the damned blinds. My mum and Mike were out all day, so I was left alone to sulk in my misery. Each day got worse. I constantly thought about what she was doing, who she was with. Was she crying? Was she lonely? Had she returned to our apartment to find me? Why hadn’t she called me again?

This isn’t the pain I had read about in novels. This pain isn’t just in my mind, this pain isn’t physical. This is a soul-aching pain, something that is ripping me apart from the inside out, and I don’t think I can survive it. No one could.

This must be how Y/N feels when I hurt her. I can’t imagine her fragile body withstanding this type of pain, but clearly she’s stronger than she appears. She has to be to put up with me. Her mum once told me that if I really cared about her I would leave her alone; I would hurt her anyway, she said.

She was right. I should have left her alone then. I should have left her alone from that first day she walked into that dorm room. I promised myself that I would rather die than hurt her again . . . this is what this is. This is dying, this is worse than dying. It hurts worse. It has to.

I spent day eight drinking, the entire day. I couldn’t stop. With each drink I prayed that her face would leave my mind, but it wouldn’t. It couldn’t.

You have to get your shit together, Jiyong . You have to. I have to. I really do.

“ Jiyong . . .” Y/N ’s voice sends chills down my spine.

“Babe . . .” she says.

When I look up at her, she’s sitting on my mum’s couch with a smile on her face and a book in her lap.

“Come here, please,” she whines as the door opens and a group of men step inside. No.

“There she is,” says the short man who torments my dreams each night.

“ Jiyong ?” Y/N begins to cry.

“Get away from her,” I warn them as they close in on her. They don’t seem to hear me.

Her nightgown is ripped off as she’s thrown to the floor. Wrinkled and dirt-stained hands travel up her thighs as she whimpers my name.

“Please . . . Jiyong , help me.” She looks to me, but I’m frozen.

I am immobile and unable to help her. I am forced to watch as they beat her and violate her until she’s lying on the floor silent and bloodied.

My mum didn’t wake me, no one did. I had to finish it, all of it, and when I woke up my reality was worse than any nightmare.

DAY NINE is today.

“Did you hear about Christian Vance moving to Seattle?” my mum asks me as I push the cereal around the bowl in front of me.

“Yeah.”

“That’s exciting, isn’t it? A new branch in Seattle.”

“I suppose it is.”

“He’s having a dinner party on Sunday. He thought you’d be there.”

“How do you know?” I ask her.

“He told me, we talk from time to time.” She looks away and refills her coffee mug.

“What for?”

“Because we can—now eat your cereal.” She scolds me like a child, but I don’t have the energy to come up with a snappy remark.

“I don’t want to go,” I tell her and force the spoon to my mouth.

“You may not see him again for a while.”

“So? I barely see him now anyway.”

She looks as if she has something else to say, but she keeps quiet.

“Have you got any aspirin?” I ask, and she nods before disappearing to retrieve some.

I don’t want to go to a stupid fucking dinner party celebrating Christian and Kimberly leaving for Seattle. I’m tired of everyone always talking about Seattle, and I know Y/N will be there. The pain at the idea of seeing her tackles me and nearly knocks me out of the chair. I have to stay away from her, I owe it to her. If I can stay here for a few more days, weeks even, we can both move on. She’ll find someone like Natalie’s fiancé, someone much better for her than me.

“I still think you should go,” my mum says again as I swallow the aspirin, knowing they won’t help.

“I can’t go, Mum . . . even if I wanted to. I would have to leave first thing in the morning and I’m not ready to leave.”

“You mean you aren’t ready to face what you left,” she says.

I can’t hold it in any longer. I bury my face in my hands as I let the pain take over, I let it drown me. I welcome it, and hope it kills me.

“ Jiyong . . .” My mum’s voice is quiet and comforting as she hugs me and I shake in her arms.

#gdragon #gdragon bigbang #bigbang gdragon #gdragon scenarios #gdradon #bigbang seungri #bigbang #top bigbang #t.o.p bigbang #bigbang fanfiction #bigbang smut #T.O.P #big bang T.O.P #bigbang t.o.p #kpop scenarios #kpop scenario #kpop smut #G Dragon #g dragon scenarios #Kang Daesung #g dragon bigbang #taeyang bigbang #VIP until whenever #Kwon Jiyong #kwon ji yong #kwon leader #kpop king #bigbang angst #kpop angst #kpop fluff

[nomoregraydays]

Switched - Grayson Dolan Imagine

Concept: It’s Grayson and Ethan’s day of filming for switching lives. Y/N, Grayson’s gf, has no idea until she gets there that morning. So now she has to hang out with Ethan for the day. Even though she’s shy, Ethan does the best he can to be Gray, as a boyfriend, for the time they spend together.

Word Count: 3023

Warnings: it’s poorly written...? 

A/N: I’m sorry for lack of posts. Here’s the GD Imagine I’ve been talking about that @whatmakesmehappyy brought up. I’m sorry if it seems choppy and what not. I hope you end up enjoying it nonetheless though, this is for my Gray girls<3

****

Y/N unlocks the front door with her key and walks into the twins’ house as she puts it back in her messenger bag. “Gray?.. Gray, where are you?”

There’s a moment of silence before Ethan yells, “Fuck!,” in the background.

Now, he appears in the hallway, holding his GoPro as he’s filming, “I forgot I have a girlfriend and that she was coming over today.”

Her face twists into confusion. “Eth-”

Ethan cuts her off, “I’m not Ethan, I’m Grayson today.”

Y/N thinks for a moment, then realizes what’s going on and plays along. “Right. How’s it going, boyfriend?”

“Just great, the work list has been stupid.”

“You mean the daily life responsibilities that I’m stuck doing?” Gray scoffs, walking into the living room from the kitchen. “The dishes still aren’t done.”

Ethan obnoxiously groans and stomps to the kitchen to finish them. “This...sucks!”

Gray smirks lightly and looks at Y/N lovingly and then his face cringes a little. He’s not jealous, but feels more apologetic towards the situation. “I’m sorry you’re going to be with this loser all day. It’s for a video.”

Y/N laughs with a wink. “You’ll have to make up for it later.”

“Deal.” Gray steps closer for a hug, and he’s about to leave a kiss on her nose when Ethan comes whisking in to tug Y/N away.

“That’s my girlfriend! Come on, Y/N, let’s go do couply stuff.”

Gray only shakes his head and shrugs. “Guess I should get back to playing fortnite cause it’s literally all E does.”

Ethan points a serious finger at Gray. “One more comment about my lifestyle and I swear-”

“I thought you were Gray?” Y/N jokes.

“I am, but-”

“But what? Bro, just take your girl for ice cream.” Gray, sort of awkwardly, winks at Y/N and walks off to go to Ethan’s bedroom.

As Y/N looks back at Ethan, he’s looking at a neatly written to do list to see what was next; ‘Take Y/N for ice cream (she’ll say she doesn’t want ice cream, but she does. She’ll want to pay for it, don’t let her)’. Then he looks at her as he pockets it. “Well, the next thing is to take you for ice cream. Leggo.”

She crosses her arms. “I don’t want ice cream.”

E makes a short, hysterical laugh. “You’re not funny. Let’s go.”

Ethan connects his phone to his car’s bluetooth to put on Spotify; the playlist literally titled ‘Gangsta beats’.

Despite being shy around Ethan sometimes, Y/N snorts, “Gangsta beats, really?”

“Why do you ask that every time I play it? Yes, that’s the title, only thing I could think of when I made it.”

“Mmmhm.”

“Hey! You have a playlist called blah blah blah, so shut up.”

Y/N bites her lip to stop herself from laughing too hard. “Okay, that was a fair shot.”

Ethan scoffs lightly, “Of course, it was. I’m not a savage.”

She only gives him a look. ‘That’s one of the biggest fibs that he’s said to this date’ she thinks.

He swung into Jeni’s Splendid parking lot and made a slightly jerky halt in a spot.

As Ethan reaches the door, slightly ahead of Y/N, he turns back around with an annoyed groan. “Gray is super cuddly, isn’t he?”

A bright pink floods her cheeks and she looks at everything but Ethan. She clears her throat. “Yeah, but don’t worry about it.”

“No, no, I’m Gray for the day. Imma do this right.” Ethan takes her hand in his large one, making hers get lost like Gray’s does, and he opens the door for her to enter the ice cream shop first.

The aroma was captivating; it always brings Y/N back to childhood as she grew up in the Los Angeles area. It was the same shop she met the two Jersey boys. She accidentally spilled a shake all over Gray’s shirt; her flip-flop strap part popped off mid walk and caused her to trip. As upset and embarrassed as she felt about getting him all dirty, it ended out to be for the better.

Now Y/N knew she wants a shake, but figures she could have some fun first.

“Pick out any ice cream.” Ethan states, gesturing at all the options.

“How many scoops can I get?”

“As many as you want.” Ethan got a slight smug look on his face, knowing that he said an exact phrase Gray would say, and runs a hand through is hair.

“And that also means I can get five different flavors if I want five scoops?” Y/N tests.

“Yes.”

Y/N taps her chin as she pretends to observe the flavor choices Jeni has today. “Hmm…” She takes more time to keep looking at them. “I think I’ll get-wait no..I think..”

“Babe, can you just decide? There’s people behind us.” Ethan asks, his tone not changing too much to irritation.

Yet anyways.

“Will you split it with me? What flavors do you want? Pistachio?”

Ethan’s face scrunches up. “Ew! No! Why would you even suggest that?”

Y/N knew he meant both and she laughs. “I’m kidding.” She reaches out for Ethan’s hand, shocking him a bit, and tugs him towards the ice cream sandwiches and other frozen treats instead.

“I might actually get one of these.” He comments, eyeing them, and picks out a Strawberry Cheesecake bar.

Y/N continues to take her sweet ass time, trying to get Ethan to break his “cool” stature.

“I’ll go pay for this while you finally make a decision.”

From the corner of her eye, she watches him and waits until he’s back to turn to him.

“I don’t know what I want.” Y/N fake whines. “Baby, this perio-”

“Sssh!” Ethan waves his hand like maniac and pulls Y/N away from as many people as possible. “You’re fucking joking, right?”

“Yes. And if I was on it, I wouldn’t say it aloud.”

He lets out a deep breath, biting his lip. “Fine. Please just pick something now.”

Y/N stands there in a silence, and now another smirk spreads on Ethan’s lips. He takes a step closer, resting a hand on her divot, and whispers, “Make daddy dolan happy.”

She blushes furiously and busts out a laugh as Ethan cringe laughs.

“Please don’t ever say that again.”

“I swear I won’t.”

She shakes her head and finally walks over to the counter to order an Oreo shake with Ethan directly in tow; all eyes were on them as they left, probably from the outburst scenes.

Worth it.

***

“Take a 15 minute power nap...(Y/N gets sleepy around 2 but she won’t say anything...The power nap is for her more than me).” Ethan reads aloud and looks over at Y/N who’s currently holding the GoPro to film.

Grayson appears now and points to her. “I think it’s someone’s nap time.”

She switches the camera point of view to him. “I’m not that-” She cut short with a small yawn and sends a small glare when the two twins laugh under their breaths.

“Bro, I know you lay with her, do I do that? I don’t want to-”

“It’s fine, E.” Gray looks at Y/N with raised brows. “Right? He’s me today, but it’s up to you.”

She blushes and turns the camera on Ethan, who was also being slightly awkward. But having cuddles for a nap is her favorite part. Y/N finally speaks, “I...like..cuddles.”

Gray makes a small smile and claps his hands together once. “It’s settled. Get cuddles and sleep.”

As Y/N rolls her eyes Ethan reaches out to grab her wrist. “Nap time!”

It wasn’t cuddling as in what Gray would do, but Y/N is fairly content and tired enough with Ethan just lying there next to her she closes her eyes.

Grayson tries to distract himself for fifteen minutes by going out to the pool and blowing up one of the floaties. He decides on the turtle because it’s looking low. He uses the pole net to drag it out and opens the air source to give it more life. With satisfaction, he tosses it back in the pool to let it drift around more then goes back inside.

He carefully picks up Y/N in his arms and carries her to his bed. Ethan has no idea what is coming next as Gray yells, “Power nap! Feel the power!” into his ear. Gray lets Y/N sleep for about an hour as he only sleeps for fifteen minutes for a power nap.

“Grayson!” E groans, covering his ears and tries to cuddle back up with the purple pillow.

Grayson tugs it from him and shoves the GoPro into his face. “It’s called a power nap! Feel the power, yet?”

Ethan looks up at him, annoyed, and reluctantly sits up. “No cause I was up too damn early this morning.”

“It’s a good thing to rise and shine, E!”

He only flips off the camera as he goes to do something else on the to-do list: ‘Do laundry.’

Gray sort of hovers; only to have some fun with annoyance. 

“Make sure to separate darks and lights.”

E gives some side eye before throwing in a load of whites first and pouring some detergent into the pocket above. “I’ve got it, Ethan.”

Gray smirks with a laugh, then walks off to E’s bedroom before he instinctively goes to cuddle with Y/N for when she wakes up.

Ethan came bursting into the room with his GoPro. “Does this mean I win the challenge?”

Still tangled with Y/N, Gray whisper yells, “Not a challenge, E! This doesn’t count, she needs me.” He squeezes his thick ass arms tighter around her until she starts to sleepily laugh.

“Gray, babe, I’m awake.”

“Good! It’s time for us to go get supplies for dinner.”

Y/N rubs her face and pulls herself from her boyfriend’s strong, soft grasp. He pouts for a moment and then gets up to go do something else. The car ride is quiet again, Ethan plays the same playlist but lets it continue onto different songs. When they reach the store entrance, Ethan sighs as he holds up the camera.

“Grayson is super cuddly all the freaking time with Y/N, so I have to be super freaking cuddly with her.” With no warning, he wraps an arm around Y/N’s shoulders and brings her into him and walks in. Throughout the day, Y/N has been warming up more and more to E, they’re friends, but they normally don’t spend time together without Grayson.

If that has not been apparent until now.

Y/N began to get giggly and felt like it was a good time to embarrass Ethan by being obnoxious. She tries on some of the hats and sunglasses as they walk from one end of the Target to the grocery side.

“Do these look good, babe?” She sets the bridge of the white oval sunglasses on the rim of her nose and looks at him over them.

“Yeah...Sure.” He ruffles a hand through his hair.

She smiles and jumps up and down a little. “Can I get them?”

He shakes his head and lets out a small puff of air. “No reason to ask me. Get them if you want.” She tosses them into the cart as he points the GoPro towards the food. “I’m gonna get what’s on the list.”

Y/N follows but quickly deters for the pet section and picks up a bag of dog bones to put in the cart.

“Y/N, Gray and I don’t have a dog.”

“But you could! And if you do, you’ll need treats to train.”

Definitely not for the last time, he shakes his head and puts them back. Y/N crosses her arms and now follows as they go to the sauces section, which also happens to have the spices.

“We don’t need saffron!”

Y/N bites her lip to stop herself from laughing too loud. “You might though! You’re always saying Grayson- I mean Ethan is always telling you need to add more seasoning on food.”

She grab little jars of Paprika and Basil to put in the cart.

***

Gray lays on the bed, thinking of what to do. Then he gets an idea of something to say.

“Ethan is probably trying to deal with Y/N right now. She’s probably putting super unnecessary things in the cart right now… I should’ve warned him.”

He notices his phone light up and sees a text from Ethan.

Ethan: How do I handle her???

He shows the camera his phone, trying to get it to focus on the text a little bit. “I told you.”

Gray: Just have fun with her. She loves when people play along. And she gets kinda nervous if she feels like she’s bugging you. DO NOT let her think she’s bugging you I swear bro!

Ethan: Dude chill you know I wouldn’t

She’s fine I really like her … you picked a good one

Gray: Thanks man

Gonna be home soon?

Ethan: …. Not going to answer that

Gray laughs out loud and looks back into the GoPro. “Ethan is definitely having one hell of a time with Y/N at the store. I can’t wait to see what she convinced him to buy that’s not on the list.”

***

“So what are we supposed to do?” Ethan asks.

Y/N takes the bag of shredded cheese out of his hands. “Get the crust out and then spread pizza sauce on them.”

She watches him carefully do it, yet still leave large random globs of it around. She takes the spatula from him and lightly shoves him out of the way. “I’ll make the pizzas.”

“Don’t put the anchovies on, please.”

“I won’t.” Y/N laughs and finishes up as E does something on his phone. E pretends to be annoyed for the camera as the pizzas cook.

“How much longer, Y/N?”

She gestures at the timer and he squints to read it. “Almost done. Woo!”

Carefully the pizzas are taken out of the oven by the two, Y/N takes the one Ethan is supposed to eat.

Ethan states, “I worked really hard on these. You better eat it.”

Gray glances at the pizza before Y/N. “Did you make sure to put anchovies on the Gray pizza?”

She nods with a small smile.

Ethan’s eyes go wide in realization and betrayal. “Y/N, you said you weren’t going to!”

“Hey, gotta play fair.” She shrugs as Gray laughs under his breath and wraps an arm around her waist.

“She’s my girlfriend.” E snatches Y/N by the wrist to pull her over and he looks at the pizza in disgust. “Do I really have to, bro?”

The doorbell rings and Gray gets up from the chair to answer it. “Yes.” He comes back with a Pizza Hut box and now Y/N drops her jaw.

“Hey, my cooking isn’t that bad! Not as bad as what his would be.” She points to him.

Gray smiles a cheesy smile as he picks up a slice. “Sorry, babe. Only here to ruin Gray’s day. He does this to me all the time.” He takes a big bite and over exaggerates his chewing.

“Come on! Let me have a slice of that pizza.”

Grayson thought about it for a second. “If you...eat half a slice with a large anchovy on it, I will give you a slice.”

Gray and Y/N watch in amusement as Ethan barely eats an anchovy and freaks out enough to run into the kitchen and swash water in his mouth from the sink faucet. He goes back to where the other two are to snatch a piece of pizza.

“Let’s just get on to the next part.”

***

“Since Ethan is Grayson today, that means I get to hold his hand when he gets a tattoo.” Y/N speaks into the camera and walks over to where Ethan is sitting on the seat and takes his hand in hers.

“Bro, this part is unfair.” Gray mumbles.

Ethan laughs. “The tattoo isn’t that bad, bro. Don’t be a baby. You’ll be fine without Y/N holding your hand.”

Grayson slightly narrows his eyes and quickly smacks a hand on E’s arm. “Shut up, I’m not a baby because I want Y/N to hold my hand… It’s comforting, you’ll see.”

All Y/N could do is blush and shakes her head.

***

Y/N decides to stand behind the camera for the recording of their outro; it’s their video afterall. She watches in amusement though as they “switch” back. She should’ve been expecting what happened next, yet she is still surprised.

Gray runs over and tackles her behind the camera. He snuggles his face into her neck and whispers, “You’re staying the night, right?”

She giggles. “You promised a make up for having to hang with the loser all day.”

Ethan picks up the camera off the tripod and points it at them. “Hey! I was a great boyfriend!”

“It’s true, you were great. You’re gonna make somebody very happy one day, Ethan.”

He gets kinda blushy, but super smiley. “Shut up.” He puts the camera back on the tripod and heads to leave the room.

“We gotta finish the outro!” Gray yells.

E sticks his head back in the room to throw up a peace sign. “PEACE!” He gives Gray a look. “Good enough?” Then he leaves for good.

Gray just shakes his head and drags Y/N to sit on the purple couch with him for a more proper outro.

“That’s it for this weeks video. Hope you enjoyed it. I definitely like being me more. What did you think babe?”

She laughs. “I prefer you as you.”

He kisses her cheek and snuggles her again. “Good.”

“PEACE!” Y/N suddenly yells and throws up a peace sign.

“Y/N! We’re supposed to say it together!”

[More DT Imagines]

#Grayson Dolan #grayson dolan fluff #grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan blurb #grayson dolan write #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan fanfiction #ethan dolan #ethan dolan fanfic #dolan twins #dolan twins imagine #dolan twins fanfic #Switched

[callie-the-snarky-geek-blog]

RvB16 Episode 2 Review: Incendiary Incidents

(Old Blog Repost)

Last time, not a lot happened other than going out for food, Donut unlocking his true potential as a contortionist, and alien Norse Gods are a thing that exist. Nothing that unusual for this show. We got the setup, so what’ll they do with it now as the pizza quest continues? Lets find out!

Overview

To the shock of no one, Grif crashed the ship. He rushes everyone through the insults and sidenote to Kai’s… so does she actually have regular contact with their mom? Makes me really wonder about where Grif stands with his family. Anyways, good news is the pizza place isn’t far off! They just have to go through some ominous woods! Grif however opts to go through the less than ominous woods which would take longer, but isn’t… well, ominous. This gets Simmons attention. Enough that, as they make their way through, he pulls Grif aside to find out what his deal is. My shipping heart is happy to see Simmons noticing that something’s not right with his not-boyfriend and getting to the bottom of it… please tell me I didn’t accidentally write an innuendo,

So you knwo that ‘new science’ Grif mentioned last episode? Well here’s that new science: laziness… sort of! So when stuck on the moon (I THINK he called it Iris? So… after Michael and Lindsay’s daughter/Geoff’s goddaughter? AWW!), Grif found a book that Jax left behind about story structure. He found out about ‘incendiary incidents’, which are incidents that jumpstart a plot essentially I tried to look it up to see if that’s an actual term… and all I got was a bunch of fire safety websites. But I’ll take Joe’s word for it and say it’s an actual term. So Grif cutting off Jensen before, crashing the ship deliberately as it turns out due to a message from Locus, and avoiding the ominous woods is to avoid getting into an incident that would jumpstart a plot, and therefore lead them into another adventure. IDK if this is clever fourth wall breaking but… wow. WOW. Even Simmons gets chocked up about how much effort Grif put into doing nothing. It’s counterproductive when you think about it, but still!

Unfortunately for Grif, he IS in a webshow with plot structure and the powers to be aren’t going to let them get out of it that easy. Caboose discovered a glowing lake. And a figure emerges form it. Now the episode summary describes a thought to be deceased team member returning. Oh my Gd, that… that’s crazy! It could anyone! But why?! Tex? Flowers? Shelia? Church? Alpha Church? Yellow Church?! The guy who got killed during one of those 360 videos?! The possibilities are endless! It could be anyone! Who knows what kind of shocking twist it cou.. it’s Donut. Who we all knew was alive. Yeah… well I’ll give them this, it had me hyped for the episode.

So Donut… Jesus Christ. No, seriously, Donut is now Jesus. He walked ont he water for crying out loud! Donut says that he had been taken through time and that they have to go into the past to stop a great danger… and absolutely no one buys it. Now to be fair, Simmons makes a good point later. They already went through a time travel story and it turns out it was just a simulation. So them being skeptical about this happening again, especially since only Caboose saw the body horror last episode and I imagine that he forgot by now, is pretty understandable. But yeah no one buys it and Grif feels relieved about avoiding the story bomb… until Simmons points out that refusing the call is an actual story trope. See Grif? There’s no escaping!

So the Reds and Blues make it to ton and… yeah, it’s been totaled. After talking to Jeremy Dooley… I-I mean a cop… no, I’m 90% sure that was Jeremy. Anyways! After that, Donut tries to convince them of time travel again, and this time has actual proof. He has this new gun which he uses to open a portal to a few days earlier. How did he get this? Well to put it simply, after he got hit by Loco’s machine he got sent back in time and his body got wrecked, but God found him and fixed him. IDK if he means the Christian God or one of these alien Gods, but they’ve picked the Reds and Blues to be his time traveling warriors and has sent back four more guns for them to use to go back in time with. The portals can also only fit two grown humans at once.

Unfortunately, things go downhill quickly. So you guys remember the four armed guy from the trailer? Well the sky goes dark and he appears… oh sorry, typed that wrong. I mean that SHE appears. Yes everyone, we have a legit female villain at last!! I couldn’t get her name, but part of it sounded like Callie… which is my name… UGH… anyways! Yeah, she starts causing chaos and destruction. Donut uses a bubble shield, telling the others to use the portal guns and get away. They comply with everyone pairing off: Cabbose and Lopez, Tucker and Sister, Grif and Doc, and Sarge and Simmons. Donut remains behind, though I assume that he’ll follow them later. Huggins, who has been following the group, chases after Grif and Doc by going through their portal. We follow Sarge and Simmons as they land in… what looks like ancient Egypt. Could be wrong, but we’ll have to wait and find out cause that’s the end of the episode!

Review

Well all of that escalated quickly!

So… gonna talk about Grif first! Cause yes, he’s getting a character arc! I mean I guess it could have ended here since his plan failed, but since Huggins went after him and Doc we could get something on that front. Anyways, so I was right and Grif is actively trying to keep them out of getting into adventures. To the point that he’s putting effort into maintaining laziness… that’s the kind of logic I expect form this show. It wasn’t how I expected it, but I expected it. It’s also good to see that he does still have some hangups from the moon. He seems a lot more… what’s the word? High-strung than normal? He’s also still talking in pretty large bursts compared to normal. I don’t know if that’s just me reading into it too much, but it seems like Joe is trying to show that Grif still has hangups from his self-exile. Which hey, if it means more Grif focus, I am not complaining!

The episode is more about plot than the last one. Last week was the setup, and now the payoff is here. So first, Donut. He was written SO WELL. One of the issues last season was that Donut was pretty much a background prop and they even forgot to put him in scenes. Joe must have realized that this was a problem cause he’s already fixing it BIG TIME. Donut’s had shit happen man! He comes off as slightly mroe serious and competent in a sense that he actually knows the gravity of the situation. But he still feels and acts like Donut, which is good! It shows that he CAN be useful and competent, but without sacrificing his personality. Heck he only spouted out one innuendo and it was just to prove that it was really him. I am digging this new direction!

So turns out that the four armed guy si a terrifying alien goddess of death… I dig it! So someone pointed out that this character is similar to Hela from Thor: Ragnarok. SO it REALLY seems like Joe is basing the villain off Norse mythology… or just the Marvel Cinematic Universe verisons of them. Either way is fine. So I’m not sure if… Kali-Ra I think is her name? Anyways it doesn’t seem like she’s with the same group as Huggins cause I imagine that she would have reacted. I also don’t think that this chick is the main villain since DOnut referred to a ‘devil man’, but still she is terrifying and badass and I LOVE it. We finally got a female main villain guys! Joe is the hero we’ve waited for! Yay! Also Sarge asking he rot marry him, Of course he’d want to marry a violent death goddess… I’ll totes ship this!

Alright, time travel! SO ever since Joe mentioned it in that post a while ago, I’ve… been skeptical. Time travel in pretty much every show tends to be confusing and create tons of plot holes. It even happened in RvB before with Season 3 before Burnie retconned it as a simulation. Didn’t save my head from imploding, but still that’s a fair excuse. Hopefully Joe has a VERY good idea on what he’s doing with this, but I’ve been warming up to the idea since then. It’ll be fun to see the guys in different time periods at least! Form how it looks, Sarge and Simmons may go tomb raiding it it really is Ancient Egypt. I mean Sarge vs mummies, there is no way that cannot be epic!

So the gang is being split up, and the pairs are interesting! Sarge and Simmons sin’t that much of a surprise and tbf it’s been a long time since they had some one-on-one time. Simmons has also grown out of being a kissass quite a bit, so it’ll be interesting to see how that goes. Caboose and Lopez are together… so I’ just going to assume that in every animated RT production, Burnie is just meant to be stuck with/get annoyed with Joel in one way or another. Cause that is the impression I’m getting. Tucker and Sister are together, so I imagine flirting… okay I’m good with that! Hopefully Sister gets some focus to herself that isn’t just Tucker trying to hit on her, but still I’m good with this!

And finally Grif and Doc… that one is gonna be interesting. Grif in particular seems very grudgey against Doc for the betrayal and we just saw Doc save Grif form getting crushed by tackling him into the portal. Which props to Doc for that BTW. Still with that and since they’re 100 on an adventure now, Grif’s not gonna be a happy camper. Also if O’Malley gets active and starts going into Grif’s past issues like in S13, I… imagine that’ll be rough for our favorite orange boy. Also Huggins chased after them, so I assume that they’ll be discovering her soon. Which if she pals up with them…t hat could be really cute tbh! I am all for Grif and Doc shenanigans with a a ball of light! But yeah, this could lead to a LOT of things and I’m very interested in seeing how this plays out.

Final Thoughts

It was great! Admittedly this is a lot mroe bizarre than RvB has been in a while but it’s also RvB where Grif still being alive after getting hit by a tank and having Simmons organs thrown into him improperly isn’t ever questioned. Alien Norse Gods? Ia m all for it! Donut being Jesus? Awesome! More setup for Grf having a character arc? HELL YEAH MAN. It was a well done episode, progressing the plot without wasting any time, gives us a glimpse at how dangerous our villains our, gives us a badass female villain, and sets up everything for the episodes ot come. There’s definitely a feeling of epicness compared to last time, so it looks lie Joe is taking the armature gloves off and giving us one Hell of a story. I am very excited to see where it leads!

#rvb #rvb16 #rvb reviews #old blog repost

[jameseros-blog]

My personal struggle with GD

**Trigger Warning -- talk of genitals, sex, transphobia, and misogyny** This is a vent post about my feelings surrounding my gender dysphoria, how I figured out I almost definitely have it, and why my family would probably think I'm faking because of tucutes making trans people look like clowns. It is unorganized, entirely too long, might not make sense, and I'm positive I'm forgetting big details. I just need to get this off my chest though.

All throughout my life I've hated my body, and even though I could try to blame it on other problems, I had some pretty clear signs of gender dysphoria even before my life got fucked up. It all seemed normal to me though. I could rationalize it. I'm too masculine to fit in with girls; autistic females have a tendency to function on the same social level as neurotypical men. That makes sense. I hate my body; I definitely don't look like the girls I would like to date. That makes sense. I feel like cutting off my female chest and sometimes guiltily wish for a horrible disease that requires its removal; I'm a CSA survivor and was bullied in elementary school for my early development. That makes sense.

In middle school something started to happen that I couldn't explain though. I developed a "phantom penis". It actually felt like I had a fully functioning dick. I asked a guy friend what a boner felt like and he described what I felt perfectly. I never told anyone what I felt though. I just made a joke out of it. Whenever I felt a "hard on" I'd whisper to my friends "Suck my dick" or "My dick is hurting". We constantly made dick jokes so nothing seemed off about it. I liked the feeling of it. It upset me that it wasn't real. The feeling came around less often in high school and I wrote it off as nothing.

The inkling of negative sexual habits was already in place in 4th grade, but I fell into truly self destructive sexual habits in high school. I felt unsatisfied with life and everything regarding my existence. Every day was a chore I could barely manage. I wanted something to fill up how empty my life felt. I started using my tits to get free food in 4th grade. I would tell a couple of guys that I'd show them my tits on the last day of school if they would give me what ever food I wanted from them for the rest of the year. This took place up until 7th grade where they stopped believing me because I never held up my end of the promise. It didn't matter too much though because at this point they were already used to giving me food.

As 8th grade ended I noticed how unnaturally masculine I felt, even more so than before, like it didn't really fit my body. It was getting harder to blame it on my autism. That scared me so I went seeking some sort of validation that I was a woman. I found my first boyfriend. I've never really been one for romance, so our relationship quickly turned into something sexual. The entire thing made me uncomfortable. I hated the whole ordeal. I didn't really find him all that attractive, but I pretended to fairly convincingly. Neither of us wanted to be purely sexual, but it was the only thing I knew how to do so I kept being this sexual creature I hardly liked and barely knew. He broke up with me because we never really talked anymore and when we were together I always ended up sucking his dick. It was fine. I never stayed true to our relationship. I was sending nudes to people on the internet. They made me feel like I was a pretty girl, the kind I fantasized about. I could escape my real self and be someone else on the internet. It always felt like I was catfishing them. I never felt as feminine as I portrayed myself online.

My 10th grade year of high school I dated one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. The same thing happened as my last relationship. I'd try to change how unnaturally male I felt by being in the most misogynisticly feminine role I could think of. The first time I had "real" sex it felt good, but something was off about it. And I don't mean in the "the first time always sucks" kind of way. I'm a firm believer in if you are fully comfortable with a person and you both know each other's boundaries and there isn't any judgment between you, then there won't be anything uncomfortable about sex. We had all these things, but I still felt uncomfortable. Then he went down on me. I had another "phantom dick" moment; I could imagine him sucking me off as if I had a penis. That's when the discomfort ended. I couldn't explain that so I told no one and wrote it off as nothing.

I've always heard mentions of trans people in passing throughout my life. In 3rd grade I heard my friend call another boy a "he-she". When I asked him what that was he said it's a guy who dresses and acts like a girl. In middle school I learned there were surgeries to give males female genitals. In 9th grade my science teacher corrected a girl when she said "they have to cut off their balls and turn their dick inside out" in reference to mtf bottom surgery. I saw an article that same year about a man that gave birth and learned that ftm trans people exist. In that same 9th grade science class a girl mentioned the size of my chest when expressing her desire for bigger breasts. I spilled my guts about how much I hated having them. I realized that it wasn't a natural thing when other big chested girls told me it wasn't nearly as bad as I explained. It confused me that they didn't feel the same. At this point I still didn't know what GD was or what it actually meant to be trans.

I started to watch Blaire White. That set me on the path of finding more and more trans YouTubers. I connected to them in ways I didn't really understand. I felt less like an alien while watching their videos. I never connected this to my being trans though. They all had the same story of knowing when they were young. I never questioned my identity when I was young. I always just existed. When I look back at it I think I honestly should have questioned myself. If I weren't autistic I probably would have.

When I was young, about 4 or 5, it was the easiest thing in the world for me to just drop everything about being a girl so I could become James. This was done after hearing my dad say he wished he had a son. I insisted I was James for almost a year. Now that I'm older my nana has told me my dad was worried I might actually be trans and he didn't want me getting bullied when I go to school. He died when I was 5 or 6; this explains something that I'll touch on later.

Even after the James phase ended I prided myself on my masculine tendencies. I was proud to be "basically the son" of the family and "basically the brother" of my sisters. With my step dad we would make jokes about having a "guys night out". I would even try to dress as boyish as possible to get mistaken as a boy. One time I cried when a boy told me "I know you're a girl". When I found out girls could have beards I was extremely jealous and was confused by the fact I couldn't grow one. I've always hated long hair I always wanted it cut short in a boy's haircut. In middle school my friends told me I write like a guy as an insult, but I thought it was a genuine compliment. I've always had an obsession with extreme body modification. The idea that I could escape my body and look however I want was always appealing to me.

When I was young I held the belief that my thoughts and personality were exactly the same as a boy's. That was the reason I preferred to hang with guys. That was why I would feel happy when I was described as one of the guys. It was why I didn't connect with girls the same way as guys. When I was diagnosed with autism, I thought it explained why I felt like an alien among other girls, and why I fit perfectly with guys, and why my thoughts were so male to me. When I learned what GD was, it fit me too, but I thought I couldn't have it cause I didn't recognize it when I was young. Then I started watching the podcast 'You're So Brave' hearing the way they found out they were trans hit closer to home than any other time I heard stories of people discovering they're trans. I was still very iffy on if I had GD or not though. Kovu uploaded a video recently it basically sealed my belief that I have GD. I decided to list off all the ways I wish I could look. The look I created is absurdly masculine; tall, hairy, tatted, and rough. I couldn't be exactly that though. I'm far too short. Besides I'm not as one dimensional as that. I love the elegance of romantic goths and muted pastels are my favorite aesthetic. I love crop tops and even dresses. I'm very effeminate for a man. A lot of people hate on gnc trans guys, but honestly I relate to them hard. I'm still not 100 percent sure of my gender though. The only thing I know for sure is that I need my female chest gone.

Before I even started to question myself, I've heard my step dad's opinion on trans people. "There is no such thing as a third gender! I don't understand why these trans people keep trying to push this idea!" he says in reference to a completely binary trans woman who only wants to be seen as a woman and not a third gender. I defend them by saying the vast majority of trans people are completely binary, don't believe in three genders, and want to be fully recognized as the gender they transition to. He continues to think tucutes are the only kind of trans people there are and generalizes all trans people saying they all have the "76 genders" ideology. He thinks all trans women are instantly recognizable by their adam's apple despite the fact there is a reduction surgery and lots of cis women have prominent adam's apples. I won't even try to bring up non binary people to him. He'd never understand. My mom has backed him up on this multiple times. I can't come out to them. It's too dangerous. My step dad is a violent man that gets into lots of fights. (He's never hit me or my family; don't worry.) He has threatened to kick me out before and I know he and my mom have seriously considered it within the last year. I don't know if me coming out could result in my homelessness.

You may be thinking "You're 18, just move out." To that I say: I absolutely would, if I could. I'm autistic. It's a disability that leaves me unable to drive and makes it difficult to maintain a job. Not to mention no one has prepared me for living alone. I have a friend I could go to, but I don't want to live somewhere and not be able to give back to them in some way.

All I really want is to know for sure whether I have gender dysphoria or not. The only problem with that is all of the gender therapist in my area (deep south Alabama) have practices that sound eerily similar to conversion therapy. Even if I do come out and move in with my friend, I won't be able to get therapy or a diagnosis.

#ftm #transmeds #truscum #dysphoric

[cosmosogler]

another slow, isolated day. i finished another em1 assignment, so now i’m only half an assignment behind. (the one due tomorrow is the one i finished, so i am caught up there. i just have to go back and do the second half of the last one.) 

raul talked to me on and off. that was nice of him. i had meant to get to some grading, too, but... i didn’t have the energy. i nearly finished my equation sheet for the undergrad course’s midterm tomorrow evening. daylight savings screwed around with my eating schedule. i don’t understand why we don’t just get rid of it. no one likes it. 

and i cleaned out snoopy’s litter boxes and worked on comic stuff. i’ve got two digital pictures in the works (i want to get faster at those so i can make more of the side comics digital instead of on crappy notebook paper) and i finished page 2 of the next scene, out of 6. i got partway into page 3, but i doubt i’ll be able to finish it tomorrow after my exam. i will probably be very tired.

it’s hard to care about the midterm. it should be stressing me out but i’m just too depressed to register how important it is that i do well. it feels like nothing i do matters. 

feeling kind of scatterbrained tonight. it’s probably easy to tell, looking at my journal entry up there. that wasn’t chronological at all but i’m too tired to reorganize it. 

i miss having friends who do things. i miss having close friends who i can have endless conversations with and it doesn’t feel stressful or exhausting or like i’m walking on eggshells. i recognize that i am probably no longer capable of having those sorts of long conversations. i will probably, just, always feel like i’m intruding on the other person. i can’t imagine that ever going away. trusting that other person (and myself) so completely that i’m not actively worried about what i say or how much i am saying. 

i was scrolling through my comic notes today touching up some of my side story prompts and i realized that i want someone else to know the whole story or at least to laugh with me about all these stupid jokes i made up. harrison’s mostly stopped responding to me at all when i talk about comic stuff and he’s just not a writer... i have to stop and explain basic things to him all the time (writing conventions, cultural influences and my worries about mental health stigma, basic story structure, basic facts about my own plot unfolding in each scene...) and it’s not fun anymore. i guess at some point i expected him to learn... but he doesn’t laugh at my jokes or comment on anything i send him or even acknowledge that i sent him a message unless it’s not about the comic. 

maybe what i want is for someone to babysit me while i talk endlessly about this stupid project. it’s the center of my creative life right now. i want it to be good and that means it takes up all my writing and drawing focus. i haven’t had a serious hobby in such a long time. i wish i could tell the story faster. i wish i had someone who could listen while i told them the whole story, so at least even if i can’t draw as fast as my brain needs me to... someone would know what i’m thinking about? 

i just want people to know what i’m thinking about. i want to share that. but these days it feels like i’m standing onstage in an empty auditorium and pretending there’s an audience. but i’m not crazy. i’m not stupid. i can perfectly well see that every seat is empty. it hurts. 

i know there’s online communities (like world building june) of people who are creating and sharing their ideas and all working. i’m so shy... it’s so hard to get to know anyone because there’s hundreds of people. like, where do i even start? 

getting to know new people is so hard. it’s not fair. i’m so anxious and sad that holding an extended conversation, even with people who messaged me first, is starting to feel impossible. so i get sucked farther and farther into the pit of isolation and despair and it gets harder and harder to talk to people which makes me feel more isolated and so on and so forth, you get it. 

i don’t know what to do. it’s so hard to care about academics when it feels like there’s a big gaping hole in my personal life that hurts so much. i know that i’m going to feel super demotivated and lethargic around my schoolwork until i feel more energetic personally. but i don’t know how to fix it. nothing is ever enough. i could talk for 12 hours straight with someone about video games and hobbies and whatever and it still wouldn’t be enough. 

what will be enough? how much attention is enough attention? whose attention will be enough? why can’t i just relax and have a gd conversation and make some friends who feel like friends? why do i have to rip myself to pieces every time i talk to someone? why does it feel like no one even likes talking to me?

[vacationcalendar]

7/19/21

Alright bitch, welcome back. Holy shit I make sitting down to blog look fucking impossible don’t I. Alright alright, let’s keep it pg-13 if we can..

I set an alarm for 10am to go off every day that just says BLOG TIME. I’d preferably like to get banging out words onto the page a little bit BEFORE that. It’s a powerful “awakening” activity in my experience, and I should be using that to my advantage. I also want to take as much time as I can on this project, especially if it’s psuedo-replacing a 40hr/week job. The earlier I get started the less I have to worry about what time it is when I’m done. My procrastination on day 2 has cost me the entirety of a sunny day. Well, it’s 2:30 now; so I imagine by the time I wrap this up I’ll have missed peek sun time. But who’s to say?

I’m starting to get that sense of dread again. That feeling I sometimes get when I can see hard plans lining my calendar far too densely populated for my liking. Big dentist appointment tomorrow. Day after that is a wash as far as I’m concerned. Even if my mouth miraculously heals in time to actually enjoy my Wednesday, I can already guarantee the psychic wounds of enduring an hours long, 600$-ish sit under the drill will take at least a couple extended sets of the fitful rest to recover from. Then I leave on Thursday to begin a full weeklong family vacation. And in that week I’ll have to figure out how to keep fucking blogging, or this thing is gonna stall out on the train tracks 100%. Do I have to explain that to you? I mean you get it; you know I’m right about that. I’m a naturally cowardly, sinful guy. I have to build up inertia on any remotely dutiful or healthy task, or I simply cannot keep it up...

So the next 3 days are all going to test my ability to actually sit here and write something. I’m really not going to want to, even though I want for literally nothing else right now. The only thing I want to do more than this creative process is to simply not exist at all. And it’s all compounded by these blasted plans. Fuck these plans. These are the dastardly plans that just cannot get canceled. They’re too high impact, and “good”(?). So then the fact that these blogs are also a “plan” just piles it up too high for me seemingly. It is quite clearly, objectively, not too much to handle. But I cannot help the fact that I feel claustrophobic. I just do. The strategy can’t be to NOT feel that way, it can’t be preventative. It has to deal with the feeling somehow. Hmmm... it’s tricky. To me, in this moment, as I’m typing this, it feels tricky. I honestly think that by the time I’m finished typing here, it WON’T feel so tricky. I’m certainly hoping that’s the case. 

Ok new track: Part of why I procrastinated so long today was pretty simple. I was hungover. I was hungover and I didn’t know what to talk about. Instead of going to be thinking about my usual faire, I was just thinking I feel like shit; I hope I don’t throw up. So I woke up late, slow, and with zero thoughts bouncing around my head. So I just watched LCS footage and read twitter, and by the time I got up and made coffee (mandatory for the blog. Blogging without coffee sounds insane. What would you ponderously sip between sentences? Water? How would that even work?) and sat down to write, I had squeezed out another full hour of procrastination. Now I won’t be hungover again for a while. This was a special occasion of sorts. Another one of my dreaded “plans.” Fuck’s sake. It was a 2nd meet up of Olivia’s peeps for drinks. It was penciled in after the first hang so that we could include everybody that didn’t make it the first time. Perfectly reasonable idea. And the first time sitting and drinking was so much fun that I sort of figured I was obligated to, pay my dues I suppose, for this second meet-up that sounded significantly less fun. But it was perfectly enjoyable. It had the energy of a hangout that could happen every single week like a sitcom. Very easy, probably more drinking than one could maintain if it were a weekly occurrence, but not too much. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just record keeping, I guess?

Anyways, this morning was not the le morning that I can usually anticipate. So circumstances withstanding PLUS the procrastination ended up pushing the writing well past 3pm. These next 3 days (and the next 8 days after that, holy shit) are also going to mesh quite poorly with this sloppy, laissez-faire approach to getting this done. So I’m worried about it. Look, I want to do this, but I absolutely don’t want to have to worry about it. Is that asking too much? And obviously I can do this without worrying about it, in theory.  But I do not believe in myself, ok? I don’t. I’m telling you that right now. I want to cancel everything and just do this when I fucking get around to it. And, well; here’s the kicker. I didn’t mention this yet, and I probably should have. Once I get back from this GD vacation, my hiatus between jobs will officially be past a full month. I can hear the timer ticking in my head. I am in charge of how much sand I put in this particular hourglass. My mother will fully disagree with me there. I mean, I’m about to spend 8 days with someone who ask me every single day “so have you gotten your new job yet?”

You’re thinking, ‘Max, it’s not just impractical to ask a question with such a clear answer more than once without waiting for any circumstances to change, it flat out does not make any sense at all!’ I agree. We are on the exact same page guy. But you are missing the fact that “it doesn’t hurt to think about it. And maybe you can look online on your phone while you’re here trying to enjoy a vacation.”

Parents are weird. This feeling I’m describing is so relatable to some people. And other people just can’t parse it at all. There are a tiny handful of people in your life that will exist in totality literally forever. I mean one of you will die first, but for that person who died, the other people existed THE ENTIRE TIME. Minus like pre-birth and stuff, but that’s semantics. They are inevitable. They can travel all over the spectrum of human emotion vis-a-vi your relationship, but 99.9% of the grades will result in your staying completely still in your relationship to them. He sucks, but he’s my dad. He’s my dad, he’s fine. He’s my dad, I love him My dad’s the best! These father/son relationships all virtually fill up the exact same liminal space as far as I can tell. The way far ends of the bell curve are where it ever seems to yield different results. My dad is my best friend! One day I will kill my father, and I will finally be free of him. Let’s set those aside for this cross-section (vocab?). Every other relationship ship under the bell curve carries this seeming inevitability to it. These relationships seems like they get “finished” in a way. We know the personality of our parents so completely (and they have stopped changing/growing as people at a certain point), that we don’t actually have to go to them to learn about them. You don’t have to ask them questions or inquire about their opinions, because you can successfully deduce the answer using simple math. But THEN, you have to talk to them still, because they are close to you and want to learn about YOU, because you are still an incomplete puzzle. I don’t know, I just think the part of the parent/child dynamic where you have to share info with a parent even though the conversation has already been “solved;” the formality of it. The chore of it. That’s what it is. It’s chores. We know how chores are going to go, but until you actually do them, there’s this disorder. But instead of a dishwasher it’s a human being, that doesn’t “get” CRT. And if I can’t fucking convince my mother that my 28,000$ in savings will be able to tide me over for more than a week while I actually take a legitimate run at feeling fulfilled in my LIFE, convincing her to dismantle the foundation of our nation’s socio-economic structures in order to save our species from annihilation seems, I don’t know, tough.

Ok, I think I’m done. That took about an hour. I don’t think that’s bad at all. Am I still scared about tomorrow’s blog and therefore the rest of my life as I know it? Yes. Of course.

But at least you’ll be there with me when I get there. Take care bud, eat a good dinner tonight.

Love you

[fanficksandimagines]

“So you’re team Edward then?”- G.D.

“So you’re team Edward then?” – G.D.

Reader x {Werewolf} Grayson

Word count: 2119

Concept: Supernatural

Warnings: noun.

A/N Sorry this one took this long. I know I talked about it right after Halloween, but I just had may other ideas in mind that I wanted to work on.  

ALSO- I really want to hear your reviews/ opinions on my imagine/s (not only this on) So I could improve my writing, for mine and your benefit! Send me your thoughts privatively or post them publicly!

You can follow me on twitter here:  https://twitter.com/sabuciitek 

Or add me on snapchat: princesssamk

Sorry for this short “self promo” that you probably skipped, I just had to post it!

As always, whit love, Sammy!

“I had the worst dream last night. I swear.” I claimed as I was talking to my best friend. “You say that every time.”  She groaned as we walked down the hallway in school. “There were werewolves chasing me and then ‘GD’ jumped out of nowhere and he had fangs and claws and everything.” I told her, using our ‘code name’ for my crush Grayson Dolan. “Wait, GD had fangs and claws?” confusion was obvious in her voice. “Yeah, he did.” I confirmed. “So he was one of them? Like a werewolf?” I nodded answering her question. We were standing by my locker so I could get my books. She looked at me with the ‘are you fucking kidding me’ face before speaking up again “Why can’t you dream about hot, naked guys on unicorns? Or at least vampires, not werewolves!” She exclaimed a bit louder than I would like.”Shhhh. Shut up!” As I tried to get her quiet a locker besides us was closed and a confused Grayson Dolan was looking at us. There was a brief moment of silence as we three stood there looking at each other. “Awkward.” She whispered making me want to disappear in thin air. “You have something against werewolves?” Grayson asked {y/f/n}. Shit, he heard it. “I prefer vampires.” She announced confidentially. Grayson made an o shape with his mouth as to say ‘oh’. “Well I think that werewolves are better.” Ethan suddenly spoke up from behind us, making me jump slightly. He gave me and {y/f/n} a smile as he had got our attention. “Eyes.” He said seriously as his gaze was to Grayson now. Me and {y/f/n} were about to turn our heads to see what he meant when he spoke again. “So you’re team Edward then?” He asked bringing back the conversation and {y/f/n} attention. My head wasn’t completely turned to Grayson but with the corner of my eye, I swear I saw his eyes glow a golden yellow, before he turned his head down. “Definitely team Edward.” I heard their conversation and decided to speak up. “I like Werewolves more.” I bumped in my opinion. “Yeah, Team Jacob!” Ethan smiled putting his hand in the air for a high-five which I gladly returned. “They’re just overgrown dogs.” She rolled her eyes at us both, whilst Grayson stayed in the back not talking. “What about you, Grayson? Team Edward or team Jacob?” {y/f/n} decided to bring him in the conversation. I couldn’t believe I’m having a twilight related conversation with my classmates. “Team Jacob.” He simply answered leaning against his locker. “Seriously? I’m alone here? Gosh, thank you. More vampires for me to date.” She joked acting fake hurt. The twins chuckled as I let a giggle slip past my lips myself. “We should probably get to class.” Grayson said before starting to walk down the hall to the English class. “What’s up with him?” {Y/f/n} asked Ethan who was walking slowly with us, whilst Grayson was already out of sight. “Someone he cares about may or may not be in trouble, and even though nothing has happened this far, he’s still pretty stressed about it.” He explained answering the question. My heart skipped a beat. “Well that sucks.” {y/f/n} said. “Actually,” Ethan turned to me “would you mind if I stole your best friend for a few minutes? I have some questions about the history project we have to make.” He asked referring to {y/f/n}. I found it slightly weird that they couldn’t talk about it with me by their side, but I shrugged it off and nodded a yes. “I’ll see you in English, then.” I said before walking the rest of the way alone.

 “Are you sure you can’t come over to my house?” {y/f/n} asked for the ninth time that day. “How many times do I have to tell you? I wish I could, but my mom wants me to stay at home, because she has a night shift and I need to cook dinner for dad.” I explained once again. I was closing my locker as I said so, wanting to get out of school and go home. “And why do you want me to come over tonight so badly? We can arrange it for tomorrow.” I suggested. “No. I need today! I just- it’s urgent, okay? Something bad might happen tonight.” She kept arguing. “Yeah my dad might starve to death, if I don’t make him dinner.” I retorted before slamming my locker closed, she was making me slightly angry. {y/f/n} groaned out of frustration and I noticed how nervous and frustrated she actually was. I let out a breath, thinking about it once more. “Okay, I’ll go to your house. Just let me bring take out to my house first.” I said and she let out a breath of relief.

 “Okay, so uh- God, why is it so hard to explain?” we were sitting in {y/f/n} car in front of her house, but she didn’t want to get out yet. She said that she has some explaining to do before it happens. “I can’t do it. I just can’t. No. Nope. I’m not- you know what, they can explain themselves. It’s not my job to do it. Yeah, that’s right. Not my job to do it!” she kept talking to herself loudly. I just sat silently, confused. “What do you mean?” I bluntly asked. “Let’s just say that Ethan has some explanation to do.” She smiled sarcastically making me even more confused about the situation. Her phones notifications went off, making her check it. “Great. Okay.” She said putting her phone away and starting the engine once again. “Where are we going?” I questioned buckling my seatbelt. “I swear, you’ll understand later.” She claimed driving. “Okay.” I nodded. If it would’ve been anyone else I would’ve already left, but it was my best friend and she seemed real frustrated and scared.

 About 10 minutes later we arrived at {y/f/n} grandmas old house which was about 30 miles outside the city and into the forest, by a lake. She parked in the driveway that was filled with 3 other cars. She quickly got out of the car and I followed. She locked it as we both made our way into the house. When we walked in I heard people talking in the living room. “How did she even get involved in this in the first place?” an unidentified voice said. “Grayson likes her, that’s how. I don’t know how exactly, but somehow they found out about it. They want to get her to hurt him.” I heard what sounded like Ethan speaking. {Y/f/n} took me by my hand and lead me in the room where I saw Ethan talking to 3 other people who I recognized from school. “We’re here.” {y/f/n} announced and they all looked at us. “Great. Did you tell her?” Ethan questioned and {y/f/n} shook her head no. “Can you at least once do what is asked?” a girl, I knew was named Lucy, asked her tone annoying me already. “Oh, I can’t do what I’m told? I can. In fact I always do so. I just couldn’t tell my best friend that she might die, because someone-” I cut her off “I might die?” silence fell over everyone. “Wow, you’re all big pranksters aren’t you? How long did it take to rehearse this?” I asked chuckling, but their faces didn’t change. “There’s a lot of explaining to do, Ethan.” My best friend said her voice sad and quiet. Ethan let out a deep breath he had held in and walked towards me. “Can I just show you?” he asked his hand towards me as if he wanted me to take it. I looked at his face, then down to his hand and slowly gave my own hand to him. He lead me through the house to the stairs, I assume we were walking to the basement, as the stairs we approached lead only there. “You like werewolves, right?  I mean you said so yourself this morning.” He said as we slowly made our way down. I didn’t answer. Why am I even doing this? This better be a prank. “You see, they exist. We exist.” He claimed making me chuckle slightly. We came to the basement door and stopped there. I could hear weird noises coming from behind it. It sounded like roars and chains. “Okay, before we go there, do you trust me?” Ethan asked facing me. “You want the truth or…” I asked back. “Stupid question, yeah. Just don’t get too scared of what you will see. Okay? I swear he won’t hurt you.” He said and turned the doorknob. He pushed the door open and we walked inside the next room. There was Grayson; all chained up to the wall like some kind of criminal, trying pull his hands away. But there was something different about him. I couldn’t see his face, but I did notice the claws. “He’s having trouble with keeping in control. He needs something to make him human and sustain that way, but as I said, he’s having trouble with it.” Ethan said standing in front of the door. I kept looking at Grayson who kept struggling to get away, his hand never rising from the ground. To say that I was shocked would be understandable. “The reason why you’re here, is because of the given circumstances you seem to be our last hope to get him in control.” Ethan kept his voice low as we were still standing by the door. I didn’t dare to walk closer to Grayson. “What do you want me to do?” I asked not taking my eyes away from Gray. “Talk to him, maybe. See, the reason why he can’t change back to human is because of anger. Maybe, you could get him to calm down.” Ethan was concerned for sure. “But why me? Why can’t you do it?” I asked my hands still shaking. “Because- because he likes you, which means that you have a different type of connection with him.” He explained making my heart skip a beat. Grayson looked up from the ground, revealing his face. His eyes were glowing the golden yellow that I saw in the morning and he had fangs. “Okay, I can try.” I said to Ethan letting go of his hand and taking a step forward. “I’ll be right behind the door.” He said and walked out of the room leaving me and his brother alone. I had no idea what I was doing. Taking a few more steps closer to Grayson I tried to stop my hands from shaking. He kept struggling to get out of the chains that were holding his hands back, but within every step I took he stepped back. “Y/n, don’t.” he said looking down to the floor as he had backed up to the wall. I looked at him slightly confused. “I’m a monster.” He added, it made my eyes tear up. I raised my hand torwards him to touch his face. “You’re not a monster, Grayson.” I said touching his cheek. He closed his eyes at my touch. “I am, I could kill you out of anger.” He added not daring to look in my eyes. A tear slipped from my own. “But you wouldn’t, right?” I didn’t know what to say, “No.” he answered “Please, go away. I don’t want you to see me looking like a monster.” I took his face in both of my hands to make him look at me. He seemed to be in pain. “If this is what you think a monster looks like… A monster or not, I still like you. I have liked you for a long time and it’s not going to change that easily.” I said looking in his eyes. “The sun, the moon, the truth.” He said to himself and repeated it again. I joined in, “The sun, the moon, the truth.” The yellow glow seemed to fade away, making Graysons eyes turn back to his actual eye color. His claws disappeared next and lastly his face went back to normal. “You’re alright?” I asked as he let out a shaky breath. “Yeah.” As Graysons said it Ethan came in the room with keys in his hands, {y/f/n} following right behind them. “I told you this would work.” Ethan informed her with a smile as he came to us and unlocked Graysons hands. “Thanks for not eating her alive.” She said to Gray giving me a hug and checking if I really am okay. “I wouldn’t dare to.” He gave me a weak smile.

#dolan twins #dolan twins imagine #grayson dolan #grayson bailey dolan #grayson and ethan #ethan dolan #imagine #text #werewolf #werewolves #teen wolf' #ethan and grayson dolan #Ethan and Grayson #grayson and ethan dolan #mythical creatures #supernatural #supernatural imagine #monster #post #writing