#so i was sitting there being very dumb

[abirddogmoment]

realized today that I'm so done being embarrassed by my puppy's normal harmless age-appropriate behaviours

#sorry i cant hear your unsolicited advice over the sound of her awroo-ing #because its the best day of her entire life #this is specifically about like wriggling and sticking her leggies out #(NOT like lunging or barking at dogs etc) #this is specifically harmless behaviour im managing thats lightly annoying #i spent so much time being embarrassed by mavs jubilant personality #i cant go that route with rory too #oh in puppy class she wants to make heart eyes at the teacher instead of practicing sit? #no problem shes four months old #oh she wants to worm around on a snuffle mat instead of use it properly? #yeah its fine shes four months old? #shes very sweet and very dumb its fine shes literally four months old #she will get there eventually #i wont be embarrassed about her age appropriate behaviours in appropriate settings #interestingly i think i internalized this before i really realized it #i havent been embarrassed about a single thing shes done so far #and i was constantly embarrassed about mav at this age so #hashtag character development

[lazaruspiss]

yeah its kinda depressing that every fandom seems to have some anti shipper niche but its also so fuckin funny sometimes. like im just remembering that rick and morty exists and holy shit was that a show that contained Sensitive Subjects portrayed only for crass amusement and self gratification. and even that show has anti shippers. (adding a cut for those who dont wanna listen to my sleep deprived rambled retellings of my rick & morty memories)

hey do yall know what the pilot was about. bc the og r&m pilot was a back to the future parody where morty has to suck off rick in order for him to have big brain power. like the og r&m has uncensored underage incest blowjobs. also the actual final show has an episode where a character proposes a "multi generational sandwich" 3way. yeah yeah but portraying incest is problematic. do u hear urself. incest doesnt even make the top 10 as far as ricks crimes against humanity go. how do yall live like that

#OH AND SOUTH PARK ANTI SHIPPERS. LIKE HELLO? #what do u expect in fandoms for shows like that. offensive content in the offensive show fandom. fork spotted in the kitchen cmon now #dangan//ronpa is also a very funny fandom choice for antis #theres like a whole subcategory thats specifically against shipping characters who canonically killed the other #like hello. you collect teenagers underwear as part of the relationship mechanics #the game is all about kids being forced to kill each other #SORRY ITS LIKE 1AM FOR ME. my brain in silly mode rn #hifumi haters are so funny (derogatory) bc hes literally tsumugi but nicer and dumber. but they like her and not him bc shes hot anime girl #SORRY I THOUGHT I WAS OUT OF MY DR PHASE. BUT THAT SERIES SHAPED ME AS A TEEN </3 #once a makoto kinnie always a makoto kinnie smh #Hghhhh hifumi is so cute and underappreciated #i gotta find the spin off comic where makoto dresses as a maid to help hifumi sell his comics bc it was cute as hell #hifumi getting fandom stereotyped as a perv is so dumb. hes literally only into anime and also maybe makoto. #hes not a perv hes just a DWEEB get it right smh #everyone was always so mean 2 him and i was like. ok. #and then i actually read his stories and yeah hifumi haters lvl 0 reading comprehension #TOO MANY TAGS. im shutting up now. #sitting my tired ass down and trying to be normal #ramble tag

[soldier-poet-king]

Fuckin screaming

My boss, after reading the RFP I wrote last week: oh but I didn't think the history section explained the use case well enough [well you didn't give me any info so I was going based on what I could piece together], your appendix didn't include xyz fields [YOU DIDNT TELL ME THEY EXISTED AND I HAD NO WAY TO FIND THAT OUT SINCE y'all aren't even following BASIC RM principles when it's not convenient], what about xyz problem [ITS IN THE FUTURE STATE REQUIREMENTS. DID U NOT FUCKIN READ THEM. THEYRE IN BRIGHT RED FOR A REASON], your questions for the vendor seem too vague, we need specifics and answers in 2 weeks [specifics in what sense??? You haven't laid out a plan for this!!! It's not MY FAULT y'all decided to engage a vendor BEFORE doing an RFP or even OUTLINING THE BARE MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS FOR YOUR PROPOSED SOLUTION. Like ofc it's gonna be weird and clunky YOURE DOING THE WHOLE PROCESS BACKWARDS. AND THE MFING COMMITTEE CANT GIVE ME A SINGLE ANSWER SO IM PULLING FUNCTIONAL REQUIREMENTS OUT OF MY ASS]

NOTABLY she did not comment on the requirements section. Y'know. The actual core and central purpose of this document. The whole reason it was given to ME (the only computer literate archivist in the group) like??? HELLO. Please. Please sit down and tell me what you think the purpose of this document and the process of engaging with a vendor is like. Please. Please tell me how you think ANY of this works, or how you expect it to work on your whack ass timeline

The IT guy?? On the other hand??? I asked him for a second pair of eyes on the technical requirements (BC unlike SOME people I know my fuckin limits and I'm primarily a records manager not a database designer) and he was like oh no it looks great you nailed it and it's exactly the type of document they should be using.

So like. One of the only other ppl in the building who knows what they're talking about agrees with me. He however has the ability and a legitimate reason to recuse himself from this whole shitshow. *I* do not.

#franposting #i am genuinely like so mad rn. #WHERE IS THE COMPETENCY. OR AT THE VERY LEAST COMMON FUCKIN SENSE #OR LIKE #KNOWLEDGE OF HOW THE WORLD WORKS AND BUSINESS PLACES OPERATE #i know we're all la di da in non profit land but like #HELLO??? THIS IS NOT HOW WE ENGAGE TECH COMPANIES MA'AM #nor is it how we get FUNCTIONAL solutions to this ACTUALLY VERY EASY TO SOLVE PROBLEM YALL ARE JUST DUMB #im so mad im not doing ANYTHING else today out of spite #im gonna sit at my desk and listen to the tge audiobook #oh csevet we're really in it now. #truly the fantasy secretary trope appeals to me for so many reasons #but one of the biggest is just. i am a competent organizer and fast learner and logical thinker surrounded by IDIOTS ALWAYS #and its like. wrangling my superiors and higher ups into seeing sense #because they dk what theyre talking about. but you are just a lowly worm so ofc you cant just outright SAY that #you have to coach them qith obsequiousness into thinking they reached the conclusion themselves #bonus points for women not being allowed to be confident and prideful in their capabilities #i am going to fuckin. explode #once again. make me supreme dictator of information management in my workplace or die by my sword

[imwritesometimes]

wouldn't it be funny if I could write again lollollol........

#got a very sweet comment on a fic today and I was like oh my god. oh my goddddddd. ppl *still* like my stuff. #ppl still like my silly little stupid little stuff that I had stupid silly fin working on & it's dumb and silly but I shared it! #and ppl like it! #and I'm like not pushing myself anymore. like before I was kinda trying to force shit to happen #like sitting in bed with an open notebook/laptop like CREATE BITCH! #and I'm not doing that anymore lol and being on my meds has really made me feel SO much better #but also like I just don't.... have any ideas anymore. can't rotate blorbo like a rotisserie chicken anymore #I lay down to go to sleep now and because my body is not operating under severe extreme toxic anxiety levels anymore #I just fckn fall asleep. like I'm OUT. good night. sleepin. snoozin. zonked. 7+ hours. #no more blorbo thoughts at the end of the day I'm TIRED and my brain FINALLY shuts off #I hope one day I'll write again. I had so much fun with it. I have had a couple Thoughts #since I have been on my meds #but they're nothing more than a few quick sentences scrawled in a notebook. #it's like I'm doing so much other stuff and having fun in other ways and SLEEPING FINLALLY SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY #there's just like zero processing left for original blorbo ideas #this doesn't make sense and I bet you were all relieved cause I haven't ranted in tags in like months but hahaha #🤡 I STAY HONKIN'!!!! 🤡 #(I'm actually really in a really good place mentally rn I promise like the best I've felt in years I'm just ahhh!! tonight lol) #erin explains it all

[sophieswundergarten]

Guess what it's my blog and we're going to talk about the Waiting Room now.

In the show, it seems rather boring at first glance. However, this is a LIE because they want to throw you off. There's only one chair, and it has a short leg. There's a weird spirograph-type piece of art on the wall. There's a fish tank, for some reason. There's a bunch of very strange shelves. And there's a giant clock on the wall. THIS IS NOT ALL. The normal entry door is invisible due to the paneling, and the back wall MOVES. It is also possible the clock moves to create loss of time and the floor slants, although these might be stress-induced hallucination. It is a perfectly designed horror liminal space, and, depending on who you put in there and why, I'm fairly certain it can be defined as psychological torture. It evokes the same kind of discomfort and lack of control that a convict being placed in solitary confinement experiences.

HOWEVER

In the books, it is entirely different, and arguably worse. Again, depending on the person. In the books, it is a completely dark room full of slimy black mud that isn't thick enough to stand on. It is also a very deep pit of mud, so anyone who enters for a period of time slowly starts sinking. It also has bugs in it.

Now. If you are not the type of person who is terrified of who you are waiting for, or if you are a person who typically enjoys defying the conventional, the show version shouldn't be much of an issue. The chair doesn't work? Find a way to fix it, or sit on the floor. The room is obviously set up so you have to face whoever is going to enter? Face the other direction. Look at the fish. Sit on the really weird and randomly empty shelves. There are many things that can be done physically about what the room is doing to you mentally. It is also easier for the people who are putting you through this ordeal to rationalize. "It's just an oddly decorated waiting room. There's nothing that bad about waiting"

But the book version is another story. One that I have many questions about. One, we learn later on that the mud is created and maintained by the room being connected to an underground stream. (It takes a long time to swim/dig through the mud and other obstacles to reach the stream, so it is not a viable escape option for anyone but Milligan) It also, as previously mentioned, houses a lot of bugs. We do not know what kind of bugs these are. And yet, since they are alive, they must be living off of something in there. Most bugs cannot just live off of mud. So, either the Executives are having to refresh the bug population from time to time (And where would they get the bugs? Do they collect them? Does Curtain purchase them and have them shipped to the island? Does no one question this?) Or the Waiting Room is its own mainly self-contained ecosystem. My prevailing tentative theory is that it was designed for research/as a science experiment and then either abandoned until Curtain needed somewhere to keep people or he deliberately made the decision that it was part of his interrogation methods for the agents he captured (before he brainswept them) and then he simply extended the use to interrogating students.

BUT ALSO

How did Curtain in the book convince teenagers/young adults to leave children in there? It is an entirely different ballgame to tell someone (especially a younger person who hasn't quite got the morals beaten out of them yet) that it is completely safe and not at all detrimental to leave ELEVEN YEAR OLDS in a pitch-black room of slimy mud and unknown creatures for any period of time! That must have left some damage to the Executives, or maybe they had already experienced it and were afraid to be threatened with it again. Either way, that's such a terrifying thing to anyone, especially a child, and especially since they seemed to choose to leave kids in there overnight (Maybe so it wouldn't interfere with too many classes?) and they wouldn't get any sleep. AND THEN the meaner Executives and Curtain would GASLIGHT THEM. "It's not such a bad place" "Nobody likes to wait, but it didn't hurt you" "Waiting can be unpleasant, but sometimes there's no help for it" and whatever else they said. We don't even hear about the Waiting Room from Sticky or one of the other kids who've been sentenced; they just get extremely upset and start crying.

What I'm saying is, while it was a very clever narrative tool and an unconventional way to raise stakes without causing physical harm to children, I can see why it was toned down for the show. However, I think it is a fascinating bit of plot that can be examined in a lot of different ways.

#also i'm not that scared of bugs #so i'd mostly be upset by the texture of the mud (it sounded so gross) and the anxiety it caused me #i'd still prefer the show version though #i'd just sit next to the fish tank #however those specific type of lights make my insides want to shrivel up and die #so i'd be very unhappy either way #and also i just hate the shelves #they're dumb #i was trying to go back through book one and see if s. q. ever mentions going to the waiting room #but i couldn't find anything #it would be an interesting situation #but i also think curtain probably wouldn't send him because most of his mistakes were from being excessively brainswept #but poor sticky was terrified from the mere mention of the waiting room and also the sole member who would have the hardest time #i think some of it is because he felt like he needed to be “normal” aside from his intelligence #so he never let himself explore out of the box solutions #or do things like sit on the floor to avoid the chair #but i was proud of him for the button idea! #mbs #the mysterious benedict society #no this wasn't brought on by @nobody33333333's latest chapter of “S.O.S” and what kind of science would explain it in-story #shush

[missshame]

I hate studying I just wanna create stuff and see the world I hate how little control I have over my life

#Let's make it clear I know I'm lucky to get higher education and I'm grateful for it + knowledge can be the greatest tool #It's just that medschool is killing me and there's just too much stuff to learn and I'm struggling so badly with it that at the end of the #day it feels like I'm not learning anything and I'm completely dumb and uneducated #I'm not even a good student but it takes all my energy and even when I'm not studying I rarely have the energy to do anything #The only thing I sorta do consistently is working out because it makes my brain shut up for a while and it helps the muscle pain I got from #All the stress and sitting at my desk/working long days at the hospital #Anyway I love complaining sorry #I just feel like I had /have a very creative artsy nature and I'm really suffering from the lack of it like not in a I don't have enough #time for my hobbies and to relax #Which is already bad enough btw I don't think it should be considered normal for anyone to be too exhausted to do anything outside of work #But I really feel it in a I'm not myself anymore it's hard to move forward and build confidence and a sense of self while having a life so #far away from what you love and feel like you need + denying yourself what you desire the most can't be good to your brain let's face it #Anyway long story short first thing I'm gonna do when I finally get my degree is by me some drums learn the guitar and paint on the walls #And in the meanwhile Idk do I keep living this way? If I do will I go completely insane? #Or do gift myself the right to give up on the idea of being a slightly less bad student and do I say fuck it and start living my life now ? #Idk! Idddkkk !!! #Oh my god

[autigeek]

why are all my comfort episodes of my favorite TV shows emotionally devastating

like that's stupid y'know

like it makes me feel safe but also i cry like a baby bc i get attached to fictional characters so easily

like wtf is that about

#shitpost #the simpsons #futurama #like even the ones with mainly happy plotlines or happy endings break my fucking heart. like i feel like my brain is bad at this shit #it's like 1am #and apparently lack of sleep can discombobulate a person to the level of being slightly drunk so like #i'm extra dumb rn #tw alchohol mention #in tags and very briefly but i don't wanna accidentally trigger someone anyways #my cat is sitting on my leg btw

[futureghost97]

the fact that I now have a voice recording on my phone of me breaking down crying while trying to sing The Best Day… horrendous

#you can literally hear me laughing at how dumb I sound while I’m sniffling my way through the bridge and final verse lol please end me #okay so FIRST OF ALL it is a difficult song to sing without sounding like you are in middle school and straining at your lung capacity #SECOND OF ALL when you are 25 and depressed and trying VERY HARD to have a good relationship with your mother #WHILE YOU ARE BOTH THE EMOTIONAL PUNCHING BAGS OF THE MEN OF THE FAMILY #and then suddenly the end of the song brings in your father and brother and you have to say nice things about them… #difficult! #ANYWHORE I did another recording and I sounded fine and it is now sitting in my mother’s inbox for when she wakes up for work 💅🏻 #because she picked this song (and Never Grow Up) as her two favorites and she said a while ago that she misses me singing in the shower #now I go back to flouncing on my bed and dungeon crawling because! fun fact! #I have not had voice lessons in almost ten years and my voice is a little shot from smoking and also Being Loud At Work #so even though I did some warm ups! holy fuck doing an hour straight of recording NGU and TBD until I was pleased with the results… yowch #how the FUCK was I a chorus kid every day for like 8 years #my stuff

[sillybub]

I didn't care that much about Tumblebrutus until I made him step-siblings wuth Rumpleteazer and now the entire Skimblesparagus Family is one of my favorite dynamics ever

#grandpa please sit down why dont we play some checkers #gramps lets take you to the skate park in your wheelchair!! #i dont think they were super close before becoming family #tumble thought teazer was mildly annoying and teazer though tumble was a square #so when they did become sibs it was a lot of bickering pretty constantly #because teazer kept pulling dumb stunts and dragging tumble into it as her and jerrie's lookout and/or getaway driver #and they do learn to get along once they realizes teazer really doesn't mean any harm and tumble us very cool at acrobatics #i also love to imagine them being left at home together to babysit grandpa gus #and tumble is like #and teazer is like

[matoitech]

ive said it b4 there r a lot of gay ppl who r very conservative who think they cannot possibly be conservative bcuz they r gay like that automatically wipes away all the shit u grew up hearing n internalizing that u actually have to unlearn on ur own, and it shows rly hard w lots of things but rn talking abt how like common it is for ppl to think like harassing polyam ppl or whatever is justified and funny like honestly theres no excuse for u to be acting like this still as an adult u have opportunities to grow and do better as a person. at some point u need to take responsibility so ur not walking around acting like saying polyamorous ppl dont love their partners and ‘joking’ abt them dying from hiv or completely vile shit like that is a totally normal thing to think and say cuz it most defnitely is not you are just an evil fucking person

#i know im throwing in a Lot of dif things here w my examples like polyamory.. casual sex.. sw... theyre all dif things im not saying theyre #the same thing i AM saying tho conservative lgbt ppl tend to lump them together n target them all #some 2 dif extents than others cuz swphobia is a very real thing #but its insane 2 me 2 see like for ex lgbt ppl harassing ppl for liking threesomes or casual sex like im rly curious what u think is Bad #abt this and i think u actually need to sit down and think abt where thats coming from and who benefits from u believing that #and taking it out on other ppl who r minding their own fucking business #like yeah being lgbt and having unconventional relationships or being kinky or sometihng r not the same thing #but ur not fucking.. helping anyone by pretending like polyam ppl r all cishet homophobes so its ok 2 make fun of them or smth #ignoring that theres been connections between communities for a reason is just dumb

[alltoowsll]

🙃

#oh my god this is so relatable #there’s this dude in my class that won’t stop staring at me and seriously it’s gotten to a point where I just want to change of group #you would think ‘oh but he stares at you there’s nothing wrong with that’ #NO ITS LIKE he would big stare a lot of time at me and if I look at him he will look somewhere else #and I’ve noticed when I go to the bathroom or something he stares at my butt and I’m very uncomfortable #I’ve told some friends and they just say I’m overreacting but am I? the other day I was distracted and he took a pic of me #I don’t know what to do #I have blocked him from everywhere and funnily I don’t know if he’s dumb or something but he just doesn’t GET IT #I don’t like him I don’t want to be friends with him I don’t want him around sadly my uni sucks and they’ve denied me the opportunity of #changing group so I’m just stuck #and it feels like a nightmare to go sit and take classes and not being able to feel comfortable about it #BECAUSE OF THIS DUDE #🙃🙃🙃🙃

[navramanan]

:/

#too many men have NO shame NO haya NO respect vallahi. it almost gets me worked up #this one guy sat next to me ON PURPOSE. the seat next to his FRIEND was empty. then along the way several more got empty #he stayed sat next to me and i'm not dumb i knew it was on purpose #then minutes before his stop he starts talking to me 'is everything well?' i dont know u and wtf do you mean #he asked several times i said yeah very weirded out #then he goes where u from are you german. then he gestures to his head saying very good meaning me wearing hijab #VOMITTTTTT WHO ARE U EW EW EW #i got so icked out cuz the audacity????? how you commenting on that????????? #i hate that it when it has to be said cuz it should be COMMON sense not to act this way not to make stranger women uncomfortable #but you like imagine someone doing this to your sister???? the fact it has to be said #the fact men dont have this common sense in their brains and only (sometimes) clock it with comparisons to their mums or sisters #before getting off he stretched out his hand to me to shake it AUUGHHHH???? NOW WE DONT KNOW THAT'S HARAM????? #had to say no two times cuz he insisted like you fr frrrrrr have to be stupid to ignore body language #cuz i was visibly weirded out. then he tapped me on my shoulder before getting off. shivers #you think it's very good when a woman wears hijab bit THEN sit right next to a non mahram woman when you couldve sat next to your friend #you look her directly in her eyes make comments about her covering (v inappropriate) THEN try shaking her hand #it's always the ones so so delusional about what theyve done wrong may Allah guide them for the sake of the women they give a hard time to #i rarely have encounters like this but i'm sure other sisters have it worse and they are TIRED #if any non muslim tries to analize this interaction to come to the conclusion that he was being normal and i'm overreacting #give it a rest xx #nesi rants

[eruditetyro]

actually let’s back up for a second. pretty weird and sad that young me internalized this idea that people getting crushes on her was like, indicative that people wanted something very specific from her that she probably could not deliver, were idealizing her, would try to manipulate her, that in order to like her they must have stepped away from reality or were only seeing her body or had put her on a pedestal, etc etc etc. pretty sad that she was so convinced no one could actually love her and that she would so inevitably disappoint sooner or later that it was not worth it to even try. now. where on earth did THAT come from. you ask. well don’t because it’s not your business and i shan’t be getting into it. i’m being vulnerable enough here just realizing this on such a public platform.

#fyi i at least am aware it’s a Me Problem now. #so. better than i was #anyway. newsflash to me ten year ago. whatever you want is fine and you are allowed to want exactly what you want no more no less. #if you want to climb into someone’s lap but never kiss them fine. if you want to kiss them fine. #if you want to just hold their head in your lap and braid flowers into their hair or some shit. also fine #if you want to just talk about your interests sitting in the grass and laugh and fun jokes. also very good! #but stop thinking that people telling you they like you is a burden that means you either have to accept responsibility #for being exactly what they want regardless of what you want OR that you have to tell them gently that you have no soul. #and thus feel kind of like you are using a flyswatter on a butterfly? #it doesn’t have to be so weighty and complicated. it doesn’t have to be. #ALSO. STOP assuming you know what people want!!!!!! when they say they like you!!!! you don’t know!!! #maybe they would genuinely be really happy just getting flowers braided into their hair sometimes at lunch!!!! you dumb fuck!!!! #maybe they do like YOU!!!! like for REAL!! just YOU!!!! #anyway. hello. yes. spoiler alert. 15 year old me conflated people liking her with them wanting her to take on the burden of their welfare #with little to no regard to her own. jesus christ. no wonder every time someone told you they had a crush on you you had a panic attack.

[theblondehexgirl]

nobody cares but like. idk i’m not having fun in the tag at ALL the past week or whenever the leaks came out. everybody has a right to be angry and i absolutely am not giving those two writers any grace for how they wrapped up marwa’s storyline. but i guess i’m just frustrated that the things i love/seek out for escapism get tainted by real world things like racism & misogyny bcs of certain storyline implications (and obviously racism and misogyny exist in universe, but it was never something one has to actively think about in the context of the show.) and idk, it makes me feel fatigued and defeated bcs as a person of color i can’t just put the thinkpieces down and go back to living a life of white privilege, you know? this rant is going nowhere basically i’m just bummed that i have to think abt shitty things that affect me in the context of a show i rly love

#stupid dumb terribly articulated rant #and no one cares whatever like genuinely just need this off my chest #but lord am i tired #and i wish they’d never made that writing decision with marwa #i literally don’t even care about what nandor did like it’s genuinely just those two white men wriyets #like damn. i love coming on here to be happy abt this show #and now everything is so negative #and i’m feeling really drained #bcs 99% of my day i’m thinking about how i’m being perceived in any given situation as a POC #despite being very light skinned which is obviously a privilege #but regardless #it’s exhausting when these things inevitably make it into fandom discourse bcs of poor writing choices #and then i don’t have a place to be safe from it #and if ur comments abt the marwa thing are just gonna be performative then y’all can keep that #it’s truly just the implications of the way marwa went away #but again i still love the show deeply #and this one mistake doesn’t make it irredeemable #but i also cannot sit in the negativity bcs that’s something i already have to worry about on a daily basis #anyways #i’m rambling #talking to myself #wwdits #frustration

[six-of-cringe]

Hey I'm back and here to have a meltdown. my dog passed away a couple days ago, and I have no idea how anyone manages this when it's actual people because nothing feels right and all mundane things hurt. I knew that I love her but still I underestimated just how much I would feel once the being who had lived in my house for 13 years had to be put down and buried out by the woods. And it was hard because the illness wasn't bad yet but my mom didn't want to wait until she was miserable, but she was still swimming and usually eating and putting her snout between my knees for comfort and following me around the house because apparently I was important enough for her to push her aching legs to the limit and trail me upstairs. I feel like I'm going insane. I didn't realize that every other fucking thought was about her because she was ever present. I drop some food on the floor and think oh moxie will like that, or i hear a sound in the house and i stand to let her outside, or i try to take out the pots and pans as quietly as i can so the racket doesn't upset her. Everywhere I go seems to prompt a mental check in about where the dog is, what she's up to, if she's doing well. I can't go upstairs or downstairs or to the basement or in the living room or the corner of the kitchen or outside or to the river or on a walk or to my grandfathers house or to the laundry room or into my car or out of my car because she is still in everything. I walk out the side door of my house because from the front door I can see the mound her body is under and I can't get over the strange and sudden panic that she's physically right there, and even though there's nothing inside the body I want to scream when I think about her fur getting cold and wet. I hope she doesn't know that I am crying so much because she hated it when I cried. She's been here since I was a young kid and until less than a week ago I have never truly been home alone. I hope for every moment she was ever upset or afraid or bored there were ten where she was happy and content and excited. I know I will be over this feeling one day, but sometimes that almost seems like it's the worst part.

#and my ocd won't let me have this of course #i got 2 days before i called myself stupid for being so devastated and guilty because there is so much 'real' loss and grief in the world #and i feel dumb for posting this but that's not fair bc she deserves more than a day or so of being sad n then being fine #she was very special #i am decomposing i am losing my mind #i feel homesick and i've been sitting in my house all day #existential worry and pain is gnawing on my brain #death tw #grief tw #not soc