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artificialqueens · 5 years

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Touch and Go (Branjie) - Basketbop

A/N: I’m a bit rusty at this so all feedback would be greatly appreciated, this fic is also available on AO3

Summary: The four times they could have fallen back to each other, and the one time they finally do.

Vanessa flew into Lax at 12 o’clock running off of approximately 4 hours of sleep. She had taken the earliest flight her manager could find her on such short notice, it wasn’t ideal but she wanted to spend Easter with her friends. She wanted to spend it with him.

She hadn’t seen Brooke since press week, not because she was avoiding him but because they were never booked at the same gigs. She knew it was for the best, if they were seen together then it would be possible to notice that there not together. Hadn’t been for almost 4 months now. But Vanessa was at peace with that- at least she told herself she was.

So when an opportunity had arisen to spend time together she decided she would jump through every hoop necessary to make it happen. Brooke Lynn hadn’t been the one to invite her, Gia had, but Vanessa would take what she was given at this point.

“Look what the cat dragged in” Brooke had noticed her as soon as she had walked through the door of the bar, getting up to greet her in a hug. “Missed you” he whispered as he squeezed her tight.

“Missed you too, bitch” Vanessa said with a laugh as she pulled away and moved to greet the rest of their friends. Turns out Gia was already drunk having started on the bottomless mimosas at brunch earlier in the day. So she took up most of the conversation as she waxed on about what she wanted to do to the boy she had been texting. It wasn’t what she was expecting on the lord’s day, but it was exactly what Vanessa needed, a good time talking shit with a few of her good Judy’s.

She’s at the bar getting herself another drink when Brooke approaches her again. “So, how you been, big guy?” he starts, casually leaning on the bar like he doesn’t realize what using that name does to her, what it means to her.

“You know me, hustling, getting my coins. Feeding the children” she takes a sip of her drink, longs for the burn it provides. “How ‘bout you? Dancing your way into america’s hearts one Midwestern club at a time?”

“Oh, fuck off” he shoves her, and his eyes pinch together as he laughs. They continue their conversation, bantering back and forth with each other as they share stories from the road. They easily find that ease that had always came with their conversations. Talking like this was never a problem for them, it was when things started to get serious that you would see the issues start to come to the surface.

This should be awkward. Vanessa knows it should be, they spend far too much time flirting online and never actually talk anymore. Their ‘love story’ is being blasted into homes across America on a weekly basis. Currently, half of the country and all of their fans think they’re a couple. Think their in love. And as the alcohol starts to kick in the more just that begins to hurt. She almost wishes it was uncomfortable, wishes she didn’t look at him and just wish that things were different. Wish that the timing was different.

He grabs her hand on the bar, lacing their hands together like old times, and when Vanessa looks into his eyes she’s convinced that he’s thinking the same things as her. But he can’t be. This was what he wanted, he was the one that had ended it. Asked for them to be friends as he ripped her heart from her throat.

So she pulled her hand away and turned to join their friends on the dance floor. What she didn’t see as she turned away was the way Brooke’s face fell, the way his fist clenched on the bar where their hands were joined just moments ago.

She didn’t see the flicker of hope leave his eyes.

It was the night before the final filming and Vanessa was lying in the middle of Brooke’s bed in a bland hotel room in downtown LA watching the other queen with interest, and a bit of confusion, as she clipped two long chains on to her black pumps. Brooke was currently stood in the center of the room entirely out of drag except for a pair of thigh high latex heels as she demonstrated the ‘shoe reveal’ she had planned for the final.

To any normal person it painted a weird picture, a 6ft 3 man kicking a pair of heels of to land perfectly on pointe. But Vanessa was gagged, she was surprised Brooke had been able to pull it off. And she told he as much as he took the shoes of and carefully placed them in to a case by the door.

He came and flopped down beside her, the four inches between them feeling like a mile

“You nervous?” The words left Vanessa’s mouth before she could really think about it, of course he was nervous, tomorrow was a huge deal.

He hesitated before answering, as if he was deciding if he should be honest or not. “Not about the lip sync’s, I know I’m ready, that I’ve done all I can. It’s just, like, what if that’s not enough, you know?” He rolled onto his side as he spoke.

“Bitch, your one of the best performers I’ve ever seen and your track record is better than any of the other girls, you’ve got this” This was true. Vanessa didn’t feel any need to sugar coat the truth, if the show was fair then the crown was Brooke’s to lose tomorrow night..

“Plus, don’t tell Silky I said this but i’m putting my coins on you” this was also true. After everything they had been through together she still wanted him to win. Wanted the world for him, she wanted him to have everything she knows he’s worked his ass off for.

“Thanks Vanj, I really appreciate that” The way Brooke whispered the words made Vanessa want to lean over, cross the invisible wall that sat between their bodies and take him into her arms like nothing had changed.But they had, so she stayed put and they stared at each other for what felt like hours but in reality was probably less than a minute, in the end it was Brooke that broke the silence.

“We should probably talk about what we’re gonna say at the reunion” he coughed as he ran his hand through his hair and rolled onto his back to stare at the ceiling.

Vanessa let out a soundless laugh as she copied Brooke’s cue and rolled on to her back. “If I have to hear another goddamn thing about that reunion I'ma seriously have to hurt a bitch”

“Tell me about it” He rolled his eyes “But really, do you think we just tell the truth? We dated, it didn’t work out but we’re still friends, we still have love for each other”

It hurt to have it laid out like that. The cause of all of Vanessa’s pain summed up in one short sentence. She didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to have this conversation with him or anyone. Because once those words went out on TV’s across America it was really over. The hope she’d had that they would reconcile before they ever had to make their break up public, gone. So she changed the subject. “The fans are gonna hate us, you know? They still think we’re still together”

“I don’t care, I’m sure they’ll recover. It’s not like we ever actually lied to anyone” that was true. They had never confirmed if they were still together or not, the contracts they had signed made sure of that. But both of them knew they were guilty of feeding the flame online, god, sometimes even Vanessa let herself believe it was real.

Sensing that Vanessa wasn’t going to reply Brooke continued. “I do love you, you know that right?”

“Don’t play” Vanessa couldn’t do this right now. Brooke did this a lot and it was confusing as fuck. He would text her random compliments out of seemingly nowhere, kiss her cheek in greeting just slightly too close to her lips to be considered friendly, call her late at night when he was lonely and missing the comfort she used to offer him. She knows she should tell him to stop, knows it makes it impossible for her to move on. But she’s only human and she likes to live in the fantasy, whatever the cost of that may be.

“But I do, you know that’s not the reason this didn’t work” He kept his eyes glued to the ceiling as he spoke, as if making eye contact would physically hurt him.

She didn’t doubt that he thought what he was saying was true, but she had to disagree. She had loved him with her whole entire being while he had only loved her part way. Brooke not being able to fully give himself to her was the main reason they hadn’t worked, so while she didn’t doubt that he loved her she didn’t think it wasn’t the reason they hadn’t worked out. Because if he had loved her harder then their conversation tonight would probably be a lot different.

She didn’t say any of that though, she lived in the fantasy “Yeah, well you know I love you too” and while it would probably hurt in the long term to keep her mouth shut, right now, in that moment it hurt her heart less to just agree.

“Who knows, maybe one day when the timings right we can try again” it wasn’t phrased like a question, he said it like he was telling himself and not Vanessa.

“Maybe” The words left her mouth as a whisper, she’s not convinced even he heard her. So, Vanessa squeezed her eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling and crossed the wall they had created to link their hands. They fit, just like they always had.

It was nice, she let herself live in the fantasy.

The season eleven tour was going amazing, spending time with all the girls again was fun and the fans just got crazier at every stop. Her and Brooke had been getting along great, they were able to joke with each other again, create new memories together- As friends. That’s all they were now and it’s all their gonna be,at least for now. And, Vanessa was okay with this, she was happy with how they were. But some of the other queens liked to stir the pot, mess with the hype they knew came with her and Brooke as a couple.

See, she knew Asia didn’t mean any harm, she just liked to make jokes to amuse the fans. But sometimes she wishes she would just take a day off.

It all came to a head one day when they were on the bus traveling to the venue for the nights show. A fan had given Brooke a book the night before filled with fan art and letters for both Brooke and Vanessa, so they were taking advantage of the bus time to flick through it together. That was all. The situation was innocent, at least it was until Asia took it upon herself to post a picture of them pressed together to her Instagram story with some cheesy caption about #Branjie.

The picture looked romantic, it looked intimate, you couldn’t see the book, all you could see was Brooke staring at Vanessa with a smile as she threw her head back laughing. It was cute, the fans loved it. Vanessa hated it. This tour had been good for her and Brooke, they had finally been able to get to a place where they were at ease being friends. Things we’re good. The fans were even letting up online, but this just got them all started again. And Vanessa snapped, she’s only human and this was a sensitive topic for her.

“Do you think this shits funny, Asia?” she asked with a raised voice causing all eyes on the bus to turn to her as she held her phone up with the picture on the screen.

Asia just raised an eyebrow daring her to continue, but this just seemed to piss Vanessa off more. “ You know what this shit does, is my life a fucking joke to you? We ain’t some characters to play with, all of you know how full on the fans are about all this online”

“Jose” Brooke reached up to grab Vanessa’s shoulder trying to calm her down. But she was already to far gone.

“I get that you think your being funny, but fuck, this isn’t some wig gag or old drama off the show. This is my real fucking feelings, would you want someone putting you on blast with your ex 24/7 when your just trying to move the fuck on?” This seemed to strike the other queen and she put her hand up signalling Vanjie to stop.

“I get it, your pissed. And I won’t do it again” she said slowly, obviously shocked by Vanessa’s outburst. It wasn’t like her to lose her cool, she was normally down for just about anything. So this was different, but she was sensitive when it came to Brooke and their relationship. And it just rubbed her the wrong way when people threatened the delicate balance of friendship they had created.

Having seemingly lost all of the energy she had previously had to fight Vanessa uttered a short “thank you” before sitting down and shoving her headphones in. She felt Brookes hand come to rest on her thigh and it worked to soothe her anger further. She lent over to rest her head on his shoulder as she let out the breath she had been holding in. Brooke got it, she knew he did, it was hard enough being this close to someone you once shared everything with as it is without the other girls making it even harder than it had to be.

There were many points on this tour when she thought maybe they’d go there again, but ultimately now just wasn’t the right time. And the more she told herself that the more she started to believe it never would be.

“She’s back, back, back again” Vanessa yelled as she strutted into the werk room for all stars 6, she gave a brief pause before continuing “..again?”. She fluttered her lashes as she held her pose for the camera in front of her. When she turned to assess the room she instantly spotted Brooke Lynn’s smiling face.

She let out a big scream as she sped over to envelope Brooke in a hug. She wasn’t surprised to see Brooke here, if she’s honest, he’s the only one she was sure she was going to see.

It made sense to put them on another season together, logistically it should make good television. Two exes brought back together to the place they met to battle for the crown again. She got it, heck she would watch it. But if the producers are hoping for drama then they’re going to have to look somewhere else, she’s cool with Brooke now. They’ve been friends a lot longer than they had ever been together.

She pulled away from Brooke to hug the other girls in the room, throwing out compliments as she made her way around the work bench. It was a good set of queens this season, Nina, Asia and Jujubee to name a few.

Ever the one to stir the pot it was Asia that piped up with the question Vanessa was expecting and was happy to get out of the way. “So is this gonna be awkward for y’all?” she indicated between her and Brooke as if it she could possibly be talking about anyone else.

Brooke caught her eye from across the table where she stood holding a stupid little Canadian flag, just like last time. The nostalgia the image brought Vanessa didn’t hurt like would have a year ago. She had worried that walking into the werk room would hurt, that the memories they had created together would be scattered all over the studio. And they were, but it wasn’t painful anymore.

“Of course it’s not, Brooke Lynn is a good friend of mine” Brooke nodded in agreement as she spoke.

“Yeah, we’ve never been on bad terms”

“But I won’t hesitate to whop her ass if I see my name coming out of one of her titties” Vanessa punctuated this by raising a threatening eyebrow in Brooke’s direction.

She still loved Brooke Lynn, knew that she always would. There would always be a voice in the back of her head telling her that what they had wasn’t over. Of course she still had hope that they would get back together one day, that they would finally have the notebook experience she had longed for the first time around.

But now just wasn’t their time, this isn’t personal. It’s drag. She had learnt that from Brooke Lynn.

+1.

Brooke wins the crown. It feels right, he performed even better on All Stars than he had on season eleven. Vanessa is there when she’s crowned, smiling proudly from behind the camera that’s there to catch the top two’s reaction. She’s glad she hadn’t made it to the top two, she didn’t want to go against Brooke again. They had had that re-do on the show in a ‘lip sync for your legacy’ and Vanessa had beaten her, so she was at peace with that particular journey, they were even.

It was a few days after the crowing and Vanessa had offered to take Brooke out for drinks to celebrate her win. At this point it was coming up to three years since their breakup and Vanessa really values the friendship they had forged. She felt like she knew Brooke a lot better now, understood how he operates and why he does the things he does. The same quirks and character flaws that had broken her heart years prior now had new meaning to her.

Now she knew that the reason Brooke longed for freedom was because he didn’t have it as a child. She knew that it wasn’t her fault he couldn’t fully commit to her, that her being enough was never the issue, the issue lied within Brooke and it was his job to work on that.

Now, that wasn’t to say Vanessa didn’t have her own issues that she had to work on. She had entered every relationship she had ever been in with the expectations of a fantasy. She had set her standards so high that when the person inevitability let her down it hurt more than it should, so she had worked on that, she now knew the hardships of real life. She knew that she wasn’t living in a romcom, and she was at peace with that.

She had just gotten back from drinks and was about to take off her shoes when someone started knocking on her door, when she opened it she was surprised to see Brooke standing there. He was soaked from head to toe, it hasn’t stopped raining in LA all week, and she was about to open up the door and tell him to get inside, but something stopped her.

“Brock, what are you doing? Did you forget something?” She was honestly confused, they had had a good night, shared an Uber home. But Brooke was supposed to continue on to his apartment, and instead he was stood on her doorstep and the Uber was nowhere to be seen.

“I’m ready. I want to try again, I want to give you everything you’ve always wanted. I still love you, I never stopped loving you, I just, Shit Jose, I think we can make it work” The words rushed out of his mouth that even he seemed surprised.

Well fuck. This was everything Vanessa had wanted, everything she hadn’t let herself think about for a long time. He looked nervous, but he was standing sure, he didn’t look like he was about to change his mind and run his ass back to Canada.

Interest peaked, Vanessa stepped out into the rain and questioned him “What’s brought this on?” She was cautious, didn’t want to get her hopes up to soon.

“Winning the crown was everything I had been working towards all these years, and when I got it , I realized that success means nothing if you haven’t got anyone to share it with” he wrapped his hands around Vanessa’s waist and lent down to push their foreheads together before continuing.

“If you’d give me a chance I promise you that I will do everything in my power to make this work, I promise you things will be good this time. I’m ready to be the man you needed me to be three years ago” Vanessa was frozen, surely she’s dreaming. This was too good to be true, this couldn’t be real. Could it?

“Say something, Jose” He sounded like he was begging at this point, starting to think he’d read this all wrong. Maybe Vanessa didn’t want this anymore, maybe she thought they were better as friends, his mind was getting the better of him and he was just about to pull away when.

Vanessa snapped out of her trance and was quick to ease Brooke’s worry “Yes, yes, fuck yes. We can-I love you too.” She reached up putting her fingers through his damp hair, didn’t hesitate as she closed the gap and pulled him down into a kiss. There were no fireworks and the world didn’t stop like it did in the fairy tales her mom used to read to her as a kid. But it was perfect, it was home, it was Brooke.

“So we’re doing this?” He asked pulling away just slightly, the smile on his face clear as day in the lamp lit street.

“Yeah” she reached up and kissed him again “we’re fucking doing this”

Now she understood the saying that timing was everything. They were never going to work out after drag race wrapped, they were both at different points in their careers, Brooke just starting out post Drag race and Vanessa a year ahead of her. They wouldn’t of worked out if they had got back together on tour or the night before the final, they were in the middle of the tornado that was just speeding up.

But right now, as she stood there in Brookes arms in the pouring rain, she thinks that, yeah, this is perfect timing.

#rpdr fanfiction #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #branjie #basketbop #canon compliant #s11

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rocketjams · 5 years

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Stronger Together

A past one shot I wrote for Kurotsuki Fluff Week 2018. Themes; Scarf Sharing, Firsts, Childhood Friends

[UWU] Also available on Ao3

Pairing: Kuroo x Tsukishima

Word Count: 1,443

Description: Kei’s health has never been the strongest especially during the winter months so he often wasn't allowed to be play in the snow. But after meeting a very playful Kuroo, he might finally get his chance.

One-Shot is below the cut!

“Are you sure you’ll make it home alright by yourself?” Akiteru repeated through the phone. “I can have someone take over cleaning duties for me.”

"I'm fine." Kei repeated for the thousandth time. "It's only a twenty minute walk."

Akiteru sighed through the phone, though a part of him knew his younger brother would be fine he also couldn't ignore that fact that Kei's health had never been the strongest. "Okay, do you have your jacket?"

"Yes."

"Gloves."

"Yes."

"Beanie?"

"Yes?"

"Ear muffs-"

"Yes. Yes. Yes. I got everything!" Kei exclaimed through the phone. "I'ma going to be fine."

Sighing once more Akiteru finally relented, "Alright, Alright. Just make sure you go home right away. Don't stop anywhere and absolutely no playing around okay?"

"Okay Brother." Kei said right before hanging up. Stuffing his phone in his bag, Kei ran over to the his classroom window and stared at the lightly falling snow in admiration. Growing up he would often get sick a lot, especially in the winter. So as a result his parents didn't let him play outside much during the colder season. And they would often pick him up from and take him to school just to avoid him being outside as much as possible. But today for the first time in his eleven years of life, Kei was going to walk himself home. With his parents caught up with work and his brother stuck on cleaning duty at the high school, they had no choice but to let him.

Quickly putting on his jacket, gloves, beanie, and ear muffs, the small boy glance one last time at the window, excitement practically bubbling up within him. Running out the classroom and down the stairs, Kei stopped just a few feet in front of the school's main entrance. The outside snow once again visible. Taking slow and steady steps towards the door, Kei felt his heart beating faster and faster. Pushing open the door and walking outside, Kei stared up at the sky in complete and utter amazement. Holding out his hand, he watched as the small snowflakes fell into his palm before melting away seconds later. A smiles making its way onto his face. Looking up he watched as a single, slightly larger snowflake fell; landing just on the tip of his nose before slipping to the side of his cheek. Giggling he wipes it from his face, scrunching his nose as the fuzzy material of his gloves makes contact with his skin.

Opening his arms out wide, he twirls around once before running towards the school gate. Laughter flowing from his lips the entire time. Stopping at the gate he takes a look around at the snow filled streets, it was endless, a blanket of white covering the streets, cars and everything else.

Tearing his eyes away from the sight, Kei turned right and began making his way home. Quietly marveling at the falling snow with each turn. Taking deep breath at every stop sign and crossing; he always did like the cold air. To him it was not just refreshing but invigorating.

"Tsukishima-kun!" A voice called out, from a distance. Kei's eyes darted around the surrounding areas searching for the source until landing an particularly dark head of hair. One which stood out immensely against the white of the snow. As the dark haired boy grew closer, his face came into view and Kei's lips parted a bit in shock.

"Kuroo-kun? What are you doing here?" Kei asked, surprised to see one of his classmates.

"I was playing in the snow."

"Playing?"

"Yeah, but it's not very fun playing by myself."

"Why are you by yourself? Where's Kenma-kun?" Kei asked referencing the smaller boy that would often accompanied Kuroo.

Kuroo kicked the snow as he crossed his arms, "At home. He said he doesn't like the snow. That it's too cold or something."

"Oh."

"Do you like the snow Tsukishima-kun?"

Tsukishima hesitated to respond, while him and Kuroo we're classmates they didn't talk to each other often. In fact, this had to be their first time really talking to each other outside of school. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Great! Then you can play with me!" Kuroo exclaimed, grabbing Kei's hand and pulling him in the opposite direction.

"What?! Me?!"

"Yeah, come on it will be fun."

"Absolutely no playing around." Akiteru's voice echoed in Kei's head, causing him to pull his hand free. "Wait, Kuroo-kun! I can't."

Kuroo came to a stop and turned to Tsukishima's with a dumbfounded look in his eyes, "But why?"

"Because I can't. I'll get sick."

"No you won't, it's just snow." Kuroo stated simply.

"Yes I can. Mom said my body isn't good with the cold."

"But your wearing you jacket, won't it be fine?"

Kei shook his head, "I have to go home."

Turning on his heel Kei started back in the direction of his home.

"Wait!" Kuroo called out, running after Kei. Grabbing his classmates hand once more, "I got something that can help."

Kei watched curiously as Kuroo unraveled the bright red scarf from around his neck, before setting it atop Kei's shoulders.

"What's this?" Kei asked grabbing hold of a part of the scarf.

"My grandmother made it for me," Kuroo explained. "She said it was to always keep me warm. But if you wear it, it'll keep you warm and the cold can't make you sick. Then you can play with me."

Kei opened his mouth to speak but didn't know what to say. Still holding a piece if the scarf in his hand, adjust it around his neck, bringing it just up over his nose. Kuroo wasn't lying, it was warm.

"I can also help you." Kuroo continued.

Kei looked at the dark haired boy bewildered, "What do you mean?"

Holding out his hand, Kuroo caught a few snowflakes in his palm. "Like these. By themselves they melt away pretty fast and you can crush them super easily."

"Okay."

"But," Kuroo started as he picked up a handful of snow in his hand. Packing it together as he stepped a few feet away from Kei. "But if you put them together, there stronger."

The blonde boy had little time to react as the round ball of snow came hurtling towards him. Landing on the side eif his arm.

"Ouch, what was that for?"

"See," Kuroo said as he picked up another handful of snow. "They're stronger together. So if we're together we're stronger."

Now aware what he was doing, Kei was able to dodge the next snowball thrown at him, this time a small giggle slipping through his lips.

Picking up his own handful of snow, he packed it firmly before throwing it at Kuroo. Laughing even more as it landed on Kuroo's shoulder.

"That's it game on!" Kuroo exclaimed as he threw another snowball.

"You started it!" Kei giggled as he hid behind a nearby bench.

Kei had never been in a snowball fight before but one thing was for sure, it was a lot of fun.

The two boys would go on to play, until the day's light began to fade. Finally collapsing on the floor next to one another once they were too tired to throw another one.

"That was," Kei spoke between breaths. "Awesome."

"I told you!" Kuroo said, trying to catching his breath. Both boys laughing aloud until a single voice cut them off.

"Kei!" Jumping up at the sound of his brothers voice, Kei called out in response. "Brother?!"

Akiteru soon appeared with a distraught look on his face, "Where were you?! Mom and Dad have been worried sick-"

"Brother I-"

"We all thought something happened to you. I thought I said to go home righ-"

"Brother!" Kei exclaimed. "I'm okay! I was with Kuroo."

"Kuroo?"

"Yeah he's my friend."

Kuroo's ears perked up at the word friend , his already wide smile deepening.

"Well that's great and all but we really need to go home. Mom and Dad are really worried." Akiteru explained as he grabbed Kei's wrist pulling him in the direction of their house.

Kei looked back, waving at Kuroo as the distance between them grew. Reaching the street corner, Kei looked down to realize he was still wearing Kuroo's scarf. Calling out for the dark haired boy, Kei waved the scarf in the air. "I forgot to give it back to you!"

Kuroo laughed as he waved both his hands in the air, "It's okay! You can borrow it! Just bring it to school tomorrow!"

Kei nodded, giving Kuroo a thumbs up before turning and following his brother home, holding the scarf tightly in hand the entire time.

#Haikyuu #HQ #kurotsuki #kuroo tetsurou #tsukishima kei #one-shot #hq one-shot

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walkonwalkonwithhopeinyourheart · 7 years

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Transfer Windows and /r/LiverpoolFC: A Survival Guide via /r/LiverpoolFC

Transfer Windows and /r/LiverpoolFC: A Survival Guide

In February 2001, the European Commission reached a compromise agreement with European football leagues that prevented clubs from cherry-picking the best players from other clubs mid-season. Prior to the 2002/03 season, clubs could sign players all the way up to March (e.g. United signed Cantona in November of 1992). From 2002, clubs were limited to two fixed periods per year (a month in the winter, and two in the summer) rather than a near-year-round free-for-all. As a result, the transfer window has become a biannual tradition involving mass displays of anticipation, delirium and, in the case of Liverpool, various kinds of references to male genitalia.

The start of news and fan discussion about an player movements during transfer windows depends inversely on the team's performance leading up to the window. In other words, the poorer results have been, the more eager fans are to blame the players (e.g. quality, form, injuries, fit), and the keener the daily rags are to kindle transfer talk and provide them with wish fulfillment ammunition ("HAMSTRUNG HAMMERS CHASE CREAM OF CATALAN INIESTA").

This behaviour is largely driven by the prevailing wisdom of the modern "we are in the business of results" world of football that if the problem is results then the business must be "even more players." While, like everything in football, this is only 50% true, you will find many fans convinced that their team is one or two purchases away from promotion/establishing themselves/the top 4/winning the league/conquering Europe. Smelling the sweet scent of click-bait, journalists and particularly, strangers on the internet with access to social media and concerns about their self-worth, will attempt to guess what football clubs probably want to do with your money and your feelings. This is, in fact, also 50%, but I won't tell you which 50%.

By the close of the window, unsurprisingly, clubs will sign a few players and sell a few to balance the books. Once in a Blue Moon, a club will have a massive clear-out with a spending spree to follow, and just as often, that club will have a barren window with as many signings as a Stephen Hawking book tour (I love you Stephen, please don't give me a Newtonian demonstration; of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration). Clubs normally set expectations via journalists by announcing the size of the gaffer's war chest, as if he's some sort of sea-faring empire.

This summer, we've heard numbers ranging from £100m to £200m if factoring in potential outgoings. On the one hand, it provides fans with confidence that the club is trying to improve, but on the other, it provides ammunition for critics of club management should the transfer window not pan out as planned. Arsene Wenger, for example, is a master at not spending money that is apparently been available for almost a decade (2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010). This tradition of feigned excess has continued so long that Arsenal fans, widely cherished for their loveable #banter and self-deprecation, can often be heard amongst the lush birdsong in the serene park atmosphere of Ashburton Grove, calling out, "Spend some fuuuucking money!"

Then there are the ITKs (in-the-knows), an elite set of Twitter accounts that leak transfer and other club information from their internal source, a techncial term for whichever orifice of theirs contains the most bile or shite on a particular day. The term itself originates from football hooliganism, as those who were well-informed about and involved in football firm (hooligan/gang) activities and whatnot were considered to be "in the know." With a similar blatant disregard for human life, the modern ITK wages a brutal turf war with common sense, themselves and occasionally, the English language.

A cynic would say that we should shut everything off and out until September 1st (when the transfer window closes) and just see who the club has signed and sold to avoid having to deal with all the rumourmongers and transfer tattle. But that cynic is a joyless wankstain who:

doesn't read any of the article when it's posted on the sub but has to make a comment about something clearly covered in the second paragraph;

downvotes when they disagree with a comment despite that comment CLEARLY CONTRIBUTING TO THE DISCUSSION;

still thinks that FSG is the absolute worst because they are Yanks and don't care about the culture of a club that they themselves haven't cared about ever, and;

doesn't see the incongruity in wishing for a rich foreigner to buy the club while at the same time not wanting tourists anywhere near Anfield.

The true fan, on the other hand, has already worn down their F5 key, knows the transfer reliability chart by heart, and can tell you in great detail who Amadou, Di Marzipan, Rangnick and Ramy are. Their emotions are tied very closely to the daily news cycle, starting when they wake up and coming to a close as tomorrow's back pages are sent out at 10.30pm each night. Every quote tweeted out by AnfieldHQ (whose logo still looks like a stylised car to me) launches them into delirium or despair, whether it's about pain thresholds, supermarkets or the rides in Blackpool. Theses fans were made for the transfer window and the transfer window is undoubtedly made for them. Long may you suffer, so long as you suffer together.

True fans also have an inexplicable need to relate everything to penises, though this is not always restricted to transfer window shenanigans. "COCKS OUT LADS" and "NO LEAN, NO PEEN" are common refrains. Occasionally these lines get the seasonal treatment when a name-based pun fits: "KLOPPS OUT LADS" or "DIJKS OUT LADS" are more recent examples.

Some go further with TV quotes - "STOP, I CAN ONLY GET SO ERECT" - or talk of edging and violent orgasms. Maybe this is what happens when you have /u/_cumblast_ around. Or maybe it's just #penisbantz amiright, lads? You know, just lads being lads who maybe have some insecurities about penis size, relationships and their sex lives in what is often a senseless, fast-moving world (ha ha!) in which we have struggled to learn how to thrive because we might not have had valuable teenage experiences (omg right?!) to show us how to cope with our fears, anxiety and failures (lol). #CocksOutForFreudianDysphoria, amirite lads?

Speaking of the state of unease or a generalised dissatisfaction with life, let's talk about Blackpool, and more specifically, tapping up. The critical component of tapping dat footballing asset - talking to another team's player about financial terms and whatnot before their club has given the buying club permission to do so - is a grey area. There are obviously rules to prevent this, to prevent clubs from negotiating transfer fees down when they know that a player's head has already been turned. This is why they avoid asking for permission, because it usually requires a fee to be agreed up front. The secret to being happy that nobody tells you about is to just not get caught.

Of course, most clubs do a decent job of keeping conversations with agents and players under wraps and away from prying eyes so that the player's club doesn't have any evidence of their player being tapped up (even if they suspect it). Liverpool are utter, utter wank at this (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7). The single-minded determination of this club not to learn from past mistakes is truly admirable.

After convincing van Dijk to ignore advances from Chelsea and City, the press then lauded Liverpool in public over this victory while the club dawdled and didn't make a bid. This is akin to having a wank right before sex with your dream wo/man or to keeping all of your clothes on the entire time you're in bed after - as though /r/me_irl, /r/TIFU and /r/CringeAnarchy were a football club.

By the time late-August rolls around, you will be glad for the football recommencing and some fresh air once you've clambered through the transfer window. We'll be able to go back to watching games, celebrating goals, moaning about decisions/injuries/rivals, harassing /u/HUGE_HOG about WILs, and generally bantering about our penises like proper lads do. Until then, hang in there, there's no getting of Klopp's wild ride.

And just for good measure, here's a quick 8 point survival guide to the transfer window and how to be a better person on /r/liverpoolfc:

Don't get caught

If the answer to the question or suggestion in your post is "no" then don't post it. If the answer is "yes" then post it, unless the answer is just "yes" in which case, don't post it

Be smart

When you are feeling depressed about our transfer activity, remember that you could have paid £45m for Anthony Martial or £30m for Moussa Sissoko and feel better

If you want to know what our line-up is going to look like next season with players we haven't signed yet, then just do it in your head

At the very least, take the weekend off from Liverpool news and transfer rumours; nothing happens on the weekend other than idle speculation. Use the time to craft an amazing hypothetical starting line-up in your head

New players probably don't need songs. In fact, we have plenty of players struggling for one already. I like the Gini Wijnaldum one though - that's a good'un. Do more like that

Here are the transfer window puns I'm aware of, for quick reference. I will add to this if you point me towards any I've missed:

Naby = not be

Keita = key to

Amadou = I'ma do

Dijk = dick

Submitted July 06, 2017 at 06:28PM by djimonia via reddit http://ift.tt/2sR9HDs

#IFTTT #reddit #liverpoolfc #liverpool fc #lfc #ynwa

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