#so i've mentioned these past 2 weeks that i have been feeling anxious ......... and like i'm still anxious for my last year of uni OKAY

[viaoverthemoon]

Unavoidable

Leon Kennedy x AFAB!Reader

Okay, this one is pretty self-indulgent bc I'm REALLY dreading that I have to do this soon. I've been told it isn't that bad and I've been told it hurts like hell. Guess I'll just have to find out.

DISCLAIMER: I have never physically experienced a pap smear before! Please do not think that what happens in this is ACTUALLY how it feels. This is just how I THINK it would feel.

Summary: You ask Leon to come with you for your very first pap smear that you have been dreading so long about.

Tw: Mentions of medical equipment, Uncomfortable medical procedures, pain, reader has a fear of doctors, minor description of anxiety (if u squint), lotsss of praise, comfort, fluff

DETAILED MEDICAL PROCEDURE AHEAD!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

Enjoy!

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"Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous,"

Leon tightly holds your hand as you sit on the stiff hospital bed, watching as your other hand anxiously fiddles with the hospital gown you wear.

You'd been dreading this day for the past week. After giving your virginity away to Leon, you'd told your mother. She'd immediately suggested getting the pap smear you'd once told her you wouldn't get until you lost your virginity.

You spent the week doing intense research, seeing multiple reactions that different people have had. None of them were the same, and that scared you beyond belief.

Leon watched your silent meltdown, wishing there was something he could do. He did his own research as well, diving into the internet and becoming slightly uncomfortable, but still trying to find out if there was some way he could comfort you. His search ended in uselessness, him not being able to find anything that would help him aid you.

But he saw a chance for redemption when you suddenly asked him to come with you.

And so the day had come.

Leon rubs his thumbs over your knuckles, noticing the trembling of your hands. "Don't be nervous sweetheart. I'm right here. Just hold on to me."

You smile at Leon, about to tell him how appreciative you are, but jump when the door opens.

The doctor enters the room, eyes looking at the two of you before she smiles softly. "First time?"

You offer a shaky smile and nod as you hold Leon's hand a little tighter.

The doctor laughs softly as she takes a seat in the rolling chair and flips through the papers on her clipboard. "I'm so sorry, love. But I'll try and makes this as quick as possible, promise. Let me ask you a few questions first."

She asks you the basic questions; 'Are you sexually active?' 'Is there a possibility that you may be pregnant?' 'When was your last menstrual cycle?' The classics.

Once she finishes the questions, she stands from her chair and begins to put the equipment she needs onto a small tray.

A sharp exhale leaves your lips and you opt to staring at the ceiling rather than what she's gathering, taking deep breaths to distract yourself.

Leon rubs your shoulder in a comforting manner, whispering small praises into your ear as he moves your hair to the side to kiss your temple. The doctor explains the process to you as calmly as possible.

"I put some gel on the speculum to ensure that it goes in easy and comes out easy. You may feel a slight pinch, but this shouldn't last longer than 2 minutes max. After that, I'll insert a swab and wipe around the cervix, and then I'll insert a soft brush into the cervix. After that, we're done!"

God, why are you sweating so much?!

You nod to the doctor as she pulls on her gloves, the anxious feeling never leaving as you try to take deep breaths. Leon kisses your shaking hand. "You're doing so good, angel. It'll be over before you know it."

You squeeze his hand to let him know you heard him before the doctor speaks again. "Okay, starting with the speculum,"

You wince a little at the intrusion as your heart leaps. And just when you think 'this isn't so bad', you feel the stretch.

You squeeze Leon's hand again and little ow, ow, ow's leave your lips as you whip your gaze away from the doctor. She and Leon begin to tell you how good you're doing and how it's almost over.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart. You're doing so good! Don't even look at her, just look at me. I'm right here. I've got you."

The praise momentarily takes your mind off of the tickling feeling of the swab, until the brush comes and enters your cervix.

You suck in a breath between your teeth at the less painful pinch, bringing yours and Leon's wrapped hands to your mouth to keep from swearing at the poor doctor.

Then she pulled out the brush, closing the speculum and taking it out of you. "Okay! All done! You did such a good job!"

You heard her but you hardly understood her, eyes brimming with tears as you slowly turn towards Leon. He takes one look at your wobbly lip and turns to the doctor. "Would you mind giving us a minute?"

The doctor gets the message immediately, collecting her things and the equipment before heading for the door. "Of course! Leave whenever you're ready! I'll get these to the lab and your results should be ready in 2-3 business days!"

The second the door closes behind her, the dam in your eyes finally bursts. You felt stupid for crying. You had no reason to. But the tears and sobs were unrelenting. You clung to Leon and he held you, smoothing your hair.

"It's okay sweetheart. You did so good. and I'm proud of you. That wasn't easy, I know."

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Can y'all tell I hate going to the doctor? :))))

I listened to 'Yes to Heaven' by Lana Del Ray while writing this <3

Hope you enjoyed!!

Requests are open!! <3

#leon kennedy #leon kennedy x reader #leon x reader #resident evil #viaoverthemoon #leon kennedy x you #leon s kennedy smut #re4 leon #re4 #resident evil x reader #x reader #smut #resident evil leon #leon s kennedy #reader insert

[museumgiftshoperaser]

80s New York Art Scene AU for @steddiebang Now on AO3

Written by me with art by @melonalemonade & @dreaminginpencil Beta'd by @lihhelsing & Nevertheless

If Eddie had known that sharing his art studio with Robin would include her buddy Steve, he never would’ve offered it in the first place. There. He said it. If that makes him a bad friend, so be it. Because Steve is around all the time. Pastel and prissy. Sculpted from marble, yet dressed like a Macy’s mannequin. Always hovering. They got Robin’s potters wheel up the stairs last week, a three man effort he can still feel in his lower back, and now she’s fucking teaching him. Full on, arms wrapped around his waist, hands guiding hands. Someone grab him a bucket, ‘cause Eddie’s about to throw up. He’s not even good at it. Steve can barely get the hump of clay centered on the wheel and he refuses to get stains on his clothes. It’s fucking clay. It comes out in the wash. Steve’s shirtless approach to pottery is borderline offensive to the arts.

More information under the cut:

The posting date is less than two weeks away and I'm beyond excited to start sharing this fic with you guys! I've been working on it since January and it's the longest thing I've ever written. This story is absolutely drowning in 80s neo-expressionist art, graffiti and street art. Think Jean Michel Basquiat and Keith Haring. Everything about this fic is covered in paint <3

Posting Schedule: Nov. 7: Prologue + Chapter 1 - "Takes One to Know One" Nov. 10: Chapter 2 - "You've Done This Before" Nov. 14: Chapter 3 - "The Boy From California" Nov. 17: Chapter 4 - "A Regular Thing" Nov. 21: Chapter 5 - "You Don't Have to Tell Me" Content warnings for: Past abusive relationship, mentions of abuse during childhood, addiction, slighty toxic relationship, period typical homophobia and mentions of homophobic parents, mentioned death of a parent, explicit sex scenes with dom/sub undertones I've got a little snippet for you here:

“Ta-dah,” Robin says with a big smile and an even bigger hand gesture.  She stretches her arms like a big reveal, which only highlights how small the studio is. Both of her hands almost touch a wall. Eddie’s normally fucking proud of this space, but Steve’s presence is ruining it. It’s one of the reasons he hates rich people. The world always looks like shit through their eyes. A crease forms between Steve’s eyebrows, an expression Eddie has seen him make several times in the thirty minutes he’s known the guy. “This part is mine!” Robin says, sounding genuinely excited. She’s the only rich person Eddie respects. He cleared out the room directly to the right of the entrance for Robin. It’s slightly smaller than his own, but she agreed to it before she left to spend all of June and July with her mother in California. She said it had better light anyway, which Eddie doesn’t give a fuck about.  There’s something twitchy about Steve’s movements. He baby birds his way across the space, like he doesn’t realize he has wings yet. Anxious, which, what the fuck? What did Eddie do to deserve that? Steve’s nose scrunches like he smells something he disapproves of. “I really don’t like this part of the city,” he says and he looks out the window like that proves his point. “Do you have to work here?”  Eddie bites the inside of his cheek. He promised Robin he’d play nice, but surely these are extenuating circumstances.  “We don’t all have daddy payin’ our bills,” he says with a pout and a lilt that borders on sexual. Just to piss him off. Just to make everyone uncomfortable. Robin blinks a few times fast and shakes her head. Count that as a win.  “I don’t…” Steve stutters before collecting himself. “I just want Robin to have a nice place to work.”  “And I’d like a pony and a private jet, but we can’t all get what we want,” he says and he really should stop there. But… “Isn’t that right, pretty boy?”  He doesn’t even have to wink this time. A blush stretches all the way to Steve’s ears. His eyes deepen from shock to anger like a bruise turning dark purple on day three. Yup. Worth it.  “Eddie, could you please just behave,” Robin groans. “We still have to get the rest of my stuff.” “I can help you with that tomorrow,” Steve says, still flushed, but pretending like he isn’t. It’s a sweet offer until he turns to look Eddie up and down and adds: “So we can get out of here now.”  “That would be great.” Robin looks up at Steve. “I could really use a drink, you?”  There’s those puppy eyes again. Steve’s whole face lights up and he nods quickly.  “You coming, Eddie?” She wiggles her fingers at him. “First round on me?” An offer to get drinks with his best friend and this random guy who makes him want to rip his own hair out? Fuck no. He has some sense of self preservation, thank you very much.  “I’m just gonna work on my painting for a bit.” Robin rolls her eyes at him before pushing Steve back toward the front door. “Go home on time, okay?” she yells over her shoulder. “The painting’s gonna be here in the morning.”  “Yeah, yeah…” He waits by the door until he can no longer hear their footsteps on the stairs. Once he’s confident they’re gone, he grabs the sheet turned blanket from the crate behind his easel. He never bothers with pajamas, just unbuckles his overalls and lets the pants sag around his hips as he sinks into the couch. It’s easier that way. If Robin comes back he can just tell her he was taking a nap. Sweatpants and a sleep shirt would be a dead ringer that sleeping here isn’t just a one off. He’s been doing it since he got evicted in April, but what Robin doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

#steddiebang23 #so so so thrilled #i will do so much infodumping about art in the chapter notes #cant wait!!! #I also think it's one of the best things I've ever written #I put so much time and energy into this #I've never edited something this much #and i think it really shows <3 #cant wait for people to read it!! #if you like excessive descriptions of the painting proces #and also mommy issues #this is the fic for you!!! #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson

[x0x0josephinex0x0]

Best part, seokjin bts, mutual pining pls 🫶🏼

A/N: ok bestie this combo……I’m in love. With you and the idea. Thanks for the request, I hope you like it!!

GN! Reader x Kim Seokjin, mentions of alcohol and drinking, drunk kiss, Christmastime?? Not proofread. Sorry!!

Your eyelids flutter open gently to a room flooded with the white-gold light of morning. Everything is as you left it last night — your head is still resting on your arms at the coffee table, your purse and coat are still on the floor, a few empty bottles of various types of alcohol are still littering the counter, and Kim Seokjin is still curled up on the couch, fast asleep.

And as you look at him -- messy black hair falling over his forehead, big eyes shut, those perfect lips parted ever so slightly in a dream -- you know that no amount of alcohol could erase last night from your memory.

Nothing had happened. Nothing ever really happened between you and Seokjin, but for the past six months, all of that nothing had started to feel awfully like something. That was the earliest you could trace back the phenomena of Seokjin being the first thought in your head when you woke up, which had started as an occasional thing and had progressed into an everyday one.

Before then, Seokjin had been just another member of your friend group, a tight-knit squad of varying careers and interests who'd all been friends since college. You'd always liked him -- he was smart and kind and funny, always willing to participate in any of the antics of other members of the group and always making sure everyone was taken care of -- but it hadn't got beyond that until Christmastime.

Specifically, the Christmas Dance Battle Challenge.

This yearly tradition was one of your absolute least favorite parts of Christmas with your friends. You were decidedly not a dancer, but you played along because you saw how happy it made your other friends. The rules were simple: on December 1st, each person draws a number, and whoever draws the same number is their partner. Each number coincides with a song, which is the song the two of you have to learn the dance for by the time of the annual Christmas Eve-Eve (two days before Christmas) party. There would be a group vote after everyone had performed, and the winning pair got a prize -- usually a gift card each and a bottle of wine -- that the rest of the group had to pitch in to buy.

So, on December 1st, you had gathered. You had drawn #2 with Seokjin, and the song had been Bite Me by New Jeans. And the two of you had met up the next day to discuss "the strategy", which was what Seokjin had called it, clueing you into something you didn't realize about him: Seokjin was competitive.

"Alright," he'd said, pacing in front of you like a general in front of his troops right before battle. "This year I have it on good authority that the prize will be a gift card to my favorite restaurant, and I have to defend my winning title from last year, so this has to be good. How confident are you?"

"Uhhh..." you'd stuttered, and Seokjin had paused in front of you to flick your forehead lightly. "Ow! What was that for?"

"Now is not the time for insecurities," he'd told you. "You hold yourself back from true greatness every year, I've watched you. But you have amazing potential. And now, I will be the one who releases this butterfly from their cocoon."

He was speaking seriously, and yet there was a way that his mouth turned up at the corners that made you realize that it was mostly an act. So you'd grinned at him hesitantly, and he'd clapped. "That's the spirit! Now, I need to know your schedule so I can put together a rehearsal timeline."

You'd practiced twice a week with Seokjin, and his positive encouragement meant that your dancing skills improved markedly during that time. And you were also enjoying getting to know Seokjin, whose goofy humor and gentle teasing eased your normally-anxious mind. He calmed you, and brought out a more energetic, less timid side of you that you didn't even know existed. Being around him was as easy as breathing. In time, you even found it within you to tease him back as you learned the moves to the dance. Things were going so well.

And then, the "dress rehearsal" on December 17th.

Only a minute in to the practice, Seokjin paused the music. "I swear I didn't mess it up, Seokjin," you growled at him, "and I know, because I made a point to flick my foot specifically like you said --"

"That's not it," he complained, stopping your words with a finger. "There's not enough passion."

“Huh?” you said.

He strode over to you, stopping well inside your personal space bubble and looking down at you. “Do you think I’m handsome?” he asked you.

Your eyes had gotten wide and you’d blushed. “You -- what?”

“Answer the question,” he’d said with a half-smile and an eyebrow raised.

“Well, of course,” you’d stammered. Because he was -- tall and broad-shouldered, confident and self-assured, with that sardonic smile and those eyes that were as sweet and warm as the caramel cinnamon syrup you liked in your coffee. You’d always known he was handsome, but it wasn’t until this moment that you’d realized just how beautiful he was. He was perfect, really.

“So, why do you act like you’re scared to touch me?” he asked you, amused.

Unbeknownst to you, Seokjin was fighting to keep his very real frustration out of his voice. Because for the past month you’d been teasing him without even realizing it. He was addicted to your secret humor, admired the way you were so thoughtful and considerate to your shared group of friends, and couldn’t stop thinking about how pretty you were. He’d been feeling this way since you’d met, secretly praying every year that you’d get partnered up for the dance competition, but only this year had the prayer been answered. And while it had been thrilling so far -- Seokjin was learning there was almost no line he wouldn’t cross to hear your laugh, especially when it was because of him -- he was also discouraged at the lack of real progress. His first concern was that if he said anything to you about his feelings, you’d be too polite to turn him down, and he hated to put you in a situation like that -- but he’d started to wonder, with all the times he caught you staring, if he might have more hope than he started with.

So it was time for him to take hold of his destiny, he supposed. When he wrapped an arm around your waist, you gasped a little, and Seokjin had to grit his teeth to keep himself from becoming a giggling mess. He pulled you gently into him. “Have you ever danced with a man before?” he asked you.

Blushing furiously, you shook your head no. He nodded, lifting one of your hands in his own. “Follow my lead,” he’d said, and with your hips touching, he waltzed you around the room.

You were surprised at how quickly you were able to relax into his arms, especially because your whole body felt tingly and electric where it met with his skin. Seokjin led you through a short waltz that had the whole room spinning treacherously around you, forcing you to look at him. His eyes seemed to swallow you whole in their warmth, and there was something unspoken and magnetic in them that threatened to overwhelm you. Finally, he slowed to a stop, but didn’t let go of you. “Feel that?” he asked in a whisper, his eyes searching your face.

You swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

He let go of you then, taking a step back. The sudden distance between the two of you left you feeling a bit cold, and you shivered. “That’s the energy we need to channel,” he said, turning away from you -- because this was the only way he knew how not to kiss you when you looked at him like that.

The rest of the practice had gone smoothly, but that was the first night you dreamed of Seokjin. And the first morning you woke up thinking of him. Little did you know, he was waking up that same morning thinking of you, too.

And you’d won the dance contest, without much of a competition. “I didn’t know you had that in you,” your friends had told you. “I mean, the chemistry?”

“Thanks,” you’d said, meeting eyes with Seokjin and blushing. “I had a really good partner.”

You’d assume things would go back to normal -- back to how they were before -- but Seokjin still texted you every day, just about different things. You ended up at his apartment a couple times without any of your other friends present, all for regular friendly activities like movies and video game nights, and he’d never made a move, always the picture of manners and thoughtfulness. And you had fun together, laughing more than you’d ever laughed with anyone. But the feelings that had awakened when he was standing so near to you had only grown, resulting in every morning being flooded with memories of him -- his smile, the smell of him, even the goofy pajamas he wore on occasion when you’d come over.

You hadn’t told him anything about this for several reasons. The main one was of course that you were friends now, and whatever else existed between you, you really enjoyed being around him. The fear that all of that would evaporate like a stray bit of smoke was 90% of the reason you stayed silent.

The other 10% was that you knew if you let yourself fall for him, there was a possibility that it wouldn’t work out, and you weren’t entirely sure how you’d survive that level of heartbreak.

So you’d let it be what it was for six whole months — from December to June, you had ached for Kim Seokjin in the same way as a carefully concealed wound. Sometimes, if you moved a certain way, it hurt worse — like during movie nights when his arm extended over the back of the sofa, but never quite around your shoulders. And sometimes it was barely there, like in late hours of the night when your quiet conversations had fizzled out and you were sitting in comfortable silence together. But still it remained, becoming clear to you at some indistinguishable moment that it wasn’t ever going to go away.

And then yesterday the call had come. “Hey,” he’d said. “What are your evening plans?”

“I’m pretty open. Why?” You hated the way your heart took off at the question, but it was hard when he phrased it in such a date-like way.

“Did you use your gift card?” he asked, referring to the one you’d both won as the prize for the dance competition.

“No, I didn’t.” You waited.

“We should go there tonight,” Seokjin recommended. “I can pick you up. Is seven okay?”

The whole day had been a terrible waiting game. The hours crawled by at a sloth’s pace, refusing to show much progress no matter how often you checked your watch. You’d gotten ready at 5, and it had somehow taken you only a half hour, so you were stuck waiting for another hour and a half before the knock finally came at your apartment door.

When you opened it, your jaw dropped. He looked like a prince in a blue suit with a crisp white shirt, his hair pushed up off his forehead. He’d held out the bouquet in his hands. “Um, hello,” he said, an endearing nervousness coloring his tone. “You look…really nice.”

You’d tucked a stray hair behind your ear with a jittery hand. “Thanks,” you’d replied. “Why the flowers?”

“Oh,” he’d said, like he’d just remembered them, although he was still holding them out to you. “They’re a thank you. For helping me win.”

“You really didn’t have to,” you said, taking them from him. “I had a lot of fun with you. And I’m glad we were able to get closer because of it.”

Was that a hint of a blush on his cheeks?

But he simply smiled, offering you his arm. “Let’s go.”

And dinner had turned into drinks, which had turned into drunk Seokjin. He was similar to regular Seokjin, just louder and less filtered, and though you were tipsy yourself, you knew better than to let him try and get home on his own. Not knowing what else to do, you’d brought him back to your place, letting him down gently onto the couch.

“Hey,” he’d said in a scolding tone as you stood up to stumble into your own bed. “Why are you leaving me?”

“It’s okay,” you told him. “You’re at my place. You’re safe.”

He’d reached up, then — and on your wobbly legs it was impossible to resist his surprisingly strong grip. You fell right into his lap, your hands finding purchase on the fabric of his shirt, and he wrapped his arms around your waist. He spent only a second looking at your stunned face through hazy eyes, admiring the tint of pink the alcohol lent to your nose and cheeks and the way your brows knit so adorably in nerves and worry, before he leaned in closer and pressed a soft, slow, entirely overwhelming kiss to your lips.

You couldn’t help it. You twisted your fingers around his shirt and returned the kiss, knowing with a pang of agony that this could be the one and only chance you had. You tried to say everything you couldn’t put into words with the kiss, caressing his face with the hand not holding his shirt and finally allowing yourself to feel all the feelings you’d been hopelessly trying to ignore that grew stronger and stronger the longer your lips were locked. The kiss cemented Seokjin firmly into his position as the first person you could ever remember loving like this.

And then he was the first to pull away. He frowned. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to do that while drunk. Wanted it to be more…romantic. Special. But…”

“Yeah?” you’d whispered.

He’d fixed you with a bleary gaze. “If you love me, won’t you say something?”

And then he’d fallen asleep.

You watch him now — the sunlight turning his brown hair slightly auburn, the soothing rhythm of his breathing. And you know you’ll need to talk when he wakes up. But for right now, you let yourself reach across the short distance to move his waves off his face so you can see him better. “Beautiful,” you whisper.

As you let your hand drop, his hand shoots up to your wrist. “Hmm?” he hums at you, blinking awake. “What was that?”

Your heart is beating in your throat, but you know you have to ask. “What do you remember from last night?”

He closes one eye to try and focus. Then he realizes. “Oh, I am so sorry.”

You shake your head. “It’s fine.”

“No really,” he says, sitting up. “That…shouldn’t have happened the way it did.”

And you’re not sure what he means by that, but it’s almost to the point that you don’t even care anymore. So you shake your head and take your hand in his, preparing to be the boldest you’ve ever been in your life.

“Seokjin, you should know...that when you hold me, and kiss me slowly, it’s the sweetest thing.”

His jaw drops. And you continue, “I’ve felt this way forever. And all of the time we spent together has only made it worse. Because no matter what we’re doing, you’re the best part.”

You wait for him to respond, but he seems lost for words. Finally he chokes out, “you’re the sunshine of my life.”

Your face splits into a massive grin. “You want coffee, babe?” you ask him.

“You’re the only coffee I need,” he replies, looking at you like one looks at the stars — awed and reverent and overwhelmed all at once

#bts kim seokjin #kim seokjin #seokjin fluff #seokjin imagine #bts fluff #BTS imagine #the astronaut #seokjinnie #seokjin #seokjin fic #request game

[carica-ficus]

"Harrow the Ninth"

13/02/2024

Reading progress: 100/507 (20%) Read through since last update: 100

*in the singing voice of Mariah Carey* It's tiiiimeeeee~!!!! I've got my hands on Harrow a few weeks ago and now I finally have the time to start reading it! I've been looking forward to this book ever since I read through Gideon and all my friends are already anxious for me to continue with the series! :D For those of you who stumble upon this little reading journal and have not seen me do it before, I just want to highlight that this is a public expression of my own thoughts while I read through the book. I like to speculate over the text. Since Muir loves to hide bits and pieces of information throughout her books, I like to try piecing them together on my own. It's fun and I feel like I'm conversing with her work in a way, like I'm a participant in the story. I know some people might find that annoying, but just let me do my thing. ^u^' (Just skip this post if you don't like it.)

----------------------------Spoiler warning!!!----------------------------

And now, without further ado, my thoughts and notes:

Who else needed an embarrassing amount of time to realize Ianthe was referring to Harrow when she said Harry? (Hate hate hate that nickname)

Yer a bone wizard, Harry.

The Noniad? Really? Really?

Well Harrow just took body dismorphia to another level. Painting a skull on her face with her own blood to feel some comfort? To regain just a little bit of control? Love her. Love love love her! She's such a mess. 🖤

Hold on. The Emperor says he hasn't resurrected anyone in 10 000 years. Didn't he... Become Emperor 10 000 years ago? Hm hm hm.

I'm managing to follow up on the time changes and the POV changes. As best as I can, of course. Obviously, I'm still a little confused at some times, but I'm glad some questions are slowly getting answered. Well... There's even more questions being asked, but I'm glad we get further insight to the lore.

I really missed Muir's writing. There's such a profound poetry in her style. I love it so much. 🖤

UGHHH!!! THE WRITING IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

The way Muir writes about Harrow and her life, especially about her childhood, feels so gritty, so powerful, and so incredibly raw. There's no possible way to connect to Harrow's experience. She went through so much. But the grief, the responsibility, the connection she has to her culture, to her planet, to her family and to her duty is just so masterfully written, I can't help but feel so drawn to her character. And her story. Man, I missed this series and it's only been 3 months since I've read Gideon.

It's way to early on to know who's the person narrating behind Harrow in "the future", but after the scene with Ianthe and the letters, I wouldn't be surprised if it was Harrow herself. Just from the past. I can't remember whether or not Harrow wrote letters to herself and I just forgot about them... Maybe she did. I don't know. In any case, I'm just speculating, but the way the narrator talks and offers up part of their own personality and parts of their own knowledge, I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out it's Harrow. (Well, she did write letters to herself as is revealed in some later chapter, but I think she did the same in Gt9.)

There's so much that is not said yet, but my go to reaction is to just accept it, not fight it. I am wondering where Gideon is, but at the same time I don't currently care about her whereabouts because it's obviously none of my concern. I am also a bit confused over why Ortus is being mentioned so much when he wasn't even involved at the whole Lyctor thing. Again, just speculating and throwing my 2 cents out there. I have full trust in Muir. Everything she writes is with a good reason. I'm presented with all of this information and tangled up timelines and conversations because I need to be. They'll add up to something more. I know it.

Speaking of weird timelines, I wonder where we're at this point in time. I feel like we're actually somewhere unspecified, that these chapters I went through were just a collection of memories, from the past and the future. So I'm wondering what is actually happening right now, but then again, as I already said, this doesn't matter yet and will be revealed later.

Excuse my philosophy. I might be entirely wrong. Don't take it personally, I just like to ramble in these little reading journals of mine, mostly because I like to look back at them and see how much I was wrong/right about my speculations. 😊 What I'll say is that I find Muir very clever as a writer. I like how she plays around with the narrative and makes the reader keep guessing. And I love to guess. I love to participate in her writing. It's very fun! It makes me feel like I'm a part of the story, not just an observer. If that makes any sense. 😅

OKAY! SCRAP EVERYTHING I SAID!!! The part about traveling through the River, the part where Mercy says that something can get inside the Lyctors body when their soul is separated from their physical form, that's the one!! I'm not saying anything more about my speculation, but I hope I have the right hunch about this.

(It will be SO fucking funny if I'm wrong about this, but I don't care.)

(Oh, on another note. That's such a super cool concept!!!! Love the idea. Love how much there's at stake!!!!!)

They're already in the River??? Nah, I'd die instantly. From stress alone.

Also, a little detail I liked is how The Emperor's eyes are described in detail. They're mostly black, but then there's a line where Harrow notices a little silver circle around them. I'm wouldn't outright say he's probably a Lyctor, but I'd say he might have also sacrificed/killed someone he cares about or his cavalier. I don't know, I just found it really interesting that his eyes are often mentioned as something strange.

BTW I love the heterochromia part. Such a beautiful way to portray the cavaliers have become a part of the Lyctors.

#harrow the ninth #the locked tomb #locked tomb #reading journal #dnevnik citanja #dnevnik čitanja #tamsyn muir

[kazoosandfannypacks]

"Wishing it Wasn't" by kazoosandfannypacks

Chapter 12/18: Try Something New, Darling Pairing: CaptainSwan Rating: Teen (for gun violence in later chapters) Word Count: (1K/19.5K) Summary: Season 2 Canon Divergence: When Neal tells Emma he has a fiancée, she claims to have a new boyfriend of her own, and blurts out the first fairytale name she can think of: Captain Hook. Killian agrees to this ruse, but when feelings grow between the two, will the con be more than they can handle? Chapter Summary: Killian warns Emma about Tamara's evil plan. Tags: season 2, canon divergence, gun violence in later chapters, angst with a happy ending, fake dating, mild character death, mildly anti neal Author's notes: none Taglist: @zahara @kmomof4 @jonesfandomfanatic @booksteaandtoomuchtv @jrob64 @tiganasummertree @anmylica @teamhook @undercaffinatednightmare @gingerchangeling @lonelyspectator @caught-in-the-filter @ultraluckycatnd @cs-rylie @pirateprincessofpizza @pawshapedheart  [if you'd like to be added to or removed from this list, hmu in my dms or askbox!]

Also on Ao3!

 Emma sat in the Sheriff's station alone while her dad was out getting lunch. She'd been staring at the notes app for half an hour, trying to draft a perfect way out.

 "Killian and I broke up this morning."

 That sounded like a pathetic cover story, especially after how lovey-dovey they'd been the past two days.

 "Killian's going out of town for the week."

 Yeah. Like she could convince him to leave that easily, with unfinished business here in town.

 "I'm going out of town for a week."

 Even more ridiculous. She had responsibilities here and no excuses outside of town for her sudden departure.

 "We've been lying to you this whole time. Killian and I aren't really together."

 A confession like that over text message? How much lower could she stoop?

 "We need to talk."

 Bad move. It'd only make Neal feel so much more anxious- not to mention her anxiety at having this conversation in person- and what if he just didn't show?

 She sighed and set down her phone, then crossed her arms on the table and threw her head on them. This scheme was spiraling out of control faster than she could stop it- and it needed to end now. Every step she took to ensure that she and Killian looked like a perfect couple only made her wish they were. She enjoyed taking refuge under his arm a little more each time. Her smiles at him were becoming more and more genuine. She thought of him with every song that came up on the car radio.

 That's why she had to abandon this ruse. She couldn't stand falling for someone again- especially someone who she was sure didn't have feelings for her in return- that would be a big mistake.

 And even if she was sure he liked her back, even if he told her so plainly, even if he confessed love for her in dramatic speeches- not that he ever would, of course, and Emma scolded herself for even considering it- she'd heard all those words before, and they meant nothing anymore. She didn't know if she ever could trust him, and was almost thankful she wouldn't have to, that her feelings really were unrequited.

 Emma expected the interrupting footsteps entering the station behind her to be her dad's- and she never would've expected them to be Killian's- so when she saw him, she was hit with a sudden shot of panic, and wondered how to breach the conversation of their inevitable fake breakup.

 "No one else is around." Emma reminded herself, turning away from him after she saw he entered. "He'll be cold and distant again. I'll need to match that."

 "Hey, Hook." She said, pretending to be very interested in the stack of papers on her desk. "Something I can do for you?"

 "Swan, there's something I need to tell you." Killian said, almost sounding sincere. "But I'm not sure if you'll believe me."

 "I just found out two months ago that my parents are Snow White and Prince Charming." Emma deadpanned. "I've gotten a lot better at believing things recently."

 "Good." He said. "It's about Tamara."

 That was one of the last people she wanted to talk about right now. Tamara was one of those  people. She could do no wrong. She had this air of pleasantries and perfection that Emma found unsettling. She drove Emma's superpower haywire.

 "What about her?"

 "She knows about the fairytales, about the magic at the heart of Storybrooke, and she's out to destroy it."

 As much as Emma would love to believe that her ex's new fianceé was an evil mastermind, she didn't buy it.

 "How do you know?"

 "She thought she could trust the legendary Captain Hook to help her." Killian said. "She thought I'd leave this whole town to die just to defeat the Crocodile."

 "Wouldn't you?" Emma asked.

 She noticed that he didn't respond. She turned around to see him looking at her, staring at her, face tinted with hues of betrayal, shaded with despair.

 "Is that how you see…" he clenched his fist ever so slightly and shook his head, eyes closed, whispering almost to himself, "That's not important now." He then addressed Emma, "The point is, you, your family, and this entire town are in grave danger. Tamara's working with that outsider, Greg, and they're planning…."

 Emma's instincts had been telling her to trust him, and so did her superpower, but she was sure they were wrong, that her gut feeling was colored by her emotions- until he mentioned Tamara and Greg were in league.

 "She!" Emma interrupted him, then began digging through papers in her desk.

 "She?" Killian asked.

 Emma looked for her case file on the Greg Mendell crash. "Greg kept getting these phone calls while he was unconscious- calls from someone saved in his contacts as 'She.'"

 Emma found where she'd written down "she's" number, then pulled out her phone and pulled up Tamara's contact profile.

 "That's why that looked familiar." Emma said. "They have the same phone number."

 "What does that mean?"

 Emma grabbed her keys and gun off the desk.

 "It means whether or not you're right, Tamara's definitely not who she says she is." Emma said. "Can you take me to her?"

 "Of course." Killian said.

 She started to leave, but she was stopped by a hook around her arm. She looked down at it, then back up at Hook, readying to defend herself if this was the inevitable betrayal.

 "Why are you so quick to trust me?" He asked. "Aren't you afraid this could be a trap?"

 "I used to think everything was a trap." Emma said, "I still do. But last time I didn't trust you I was wrong, back on the beanstalk." She looked up at him and noticed some kind of genuine understanding in his eyes, then added. "I'm gonna have to trust you this time."

 He removed his hook's grip around her arm. "Thank you, Swan."

 "Don't thank me yet." Emma said. She turned away from him to build up a wall against his penetrating gaze, then tacked on an emotional barrier as well. "I could still be wrong about you."

#once upon a time fanficton #cs fanfic #captain swan #killian jones #emma swan #once upon a time #ouat #season 2 #canon divergence #kazzy writes

[thechaseofspades]

3 characters that inspire you?

Did that thing again where I turned a fun little ask into a whole essay. Whoops haha.

1. Libby Stein-Torres

I love "Mazel Tov, Libby!" so much. Everything about it was great, but it really felt like a coming out party for the Libster. How anxious she was when the party started going against her plans, especially at the Hora scene. Her moment with Molly at the end where she admits all she wanted to do was spend time with her best friend. The freaking turtle races!!! Such a great episode.

Libby gors through the "first friend" arc as I call it. We all know how it goes. Shy character meets somebody and becomes friends but they don't really know how to be friends with somebody yet so they have to figure it out as they go but it all works out because they're perfect for each other and 100% supportive of one another. And now she's in the title sequence too! Go Libby!

(Honorable mentions for this category: Webby Vanderquack and Casey Goldberg-Calderon, who both also went through the "first friend" arc and I just couldn't go without mentioning them. Libby gets the edge because Mazel Tov was so good)

2. Luz Noceda

I think I made a post about how sometimes I don't understand the blatant messaging of media until I see an hour long video essay about it. That was in reference to Luz. I had the pleasure of finding a lengthy video taking about her as ADHD/neurodivergent rep and had that in mind watching S3 and wow yeah it's definitely there.

In many ways, I'm not like Luz. We have different diagnoses and different traits. So obviously it's not 1:1. But in my time watching The Owl House, I've had my own (unrelated) journey about learning to accept myself and embrace who I am. Seeing it all culminate for Luz these past six months made me feel really good. Too good to describe because I wouldn't be able to do it justice.

3. Huey Duck

Oh hey what's this how'd my favorite show end up on this list that's crazy.

I talked about this during Huey hours earlier this week but I'll repeat it here. I really appreciated how Ducktales handled Huey's autistic traits for the most part. Astro-B.O.Y.D.! being the obvious example, but I want to focus on examples like the Terra-firmians episode or Timephoon!, times where Huey was "wrong". Sure, his reliance on order and structure and his strict adherence to the JWG led him to inaccurate conclusions, but he was never *wrong* for doing it that way. The lesson was never "stop being who you are and doing what you're doing".

Compare that to the seemingly countless examples where Huey bailed the family out of a situation because of his knowledge in certain subjects or recalling rules from the guidebook. With a success rate like that, it's great that the show let him flex that strength whenever it could.

The lesson of this whole thing seems to just be to never stop being who you are. Even though sometimes it might set you apart and make you different, or might be difficult to navigate, or might send you in the wrong direction on occasion, it's still worth it to be true to yourself and do what you love. Do what works. Do what makes you you.

That's the lesson I've learned in the past few years. And maybe it's not a coincidence that I learned that lesson at the same time that I watched these shows. Whether I noticed it or not, I might have been inspired by them more than I think.

Thanks for the ask!

#i specifically tried not to make this just a list of my favorite neurodivergent characters #i did not succeed in that department #but i made them all different enough so that's okay too #ask game #3 things ask game

[breads-is-writing-some-shit]

Chapter 1 : Introducing Daniel "Bread" Lima

The new partner of the Dagger team.

Author's Note: Hi everyone, I hope you are doing wonderful right now. This warning is quick. I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes or mistakes about anything in this story. I am open to criticism and suggestions. I'm not new to writing but this is the first time I've written publicly for Tumblr, so I just hope you're kind and enjoy well-told stories. The story I created tries to fit in real details about the characters that I didn't create like the aviators, however, this ends up being my vision of them that will eventually change since the purpose of this story, which will be long, is to tell how the dagger squadron feels attracted to the newcomer who seems to be the mix of everything they particularly and intimately like and how this interest affects the group. I tried to write a mature and consistent story about varied spectrums of this relationship and I'm counting on you to read it and give your opinions with all due respect. That said, good reading.

Author's Note 2: I may be making a beginner's mistake and forgetting a lot of things, like tags, but I can't help but mention @fangirlvibez (you are amazing) who hasn't even read the story and is already waiting for updates, I'll try to be assiduous at least once a week.

It was already well past sunset and what Daniel needed after the trip was something to drink. It was hot that night, and it was the best idea to get to know the neighborhood, or rather the city. His previous boss assigned him to complete this team as a member and they appeared to have been working for just over a year after an “impossible mission”. He had little information about the mission, which despite being difficult, was a great success if not counting After the setbacks, Captain Maverick was teaching the airmen and this was a good opportunity for Daniel. He called his only contact on site, and how lucky he was. In the contact list, Captain Pete "Maverick" Mitchell called him without much ceremony , after all, the next day he would be presenting himself as his assistant and student. Daniel, despite having a certain reputation as an aviator, having three confirmed kills, could not boast as they were all confidential missions and he only knew that Maverick publicly shot down five in addition to having He had been an aircraft test pilot. He obviously had a lot of questions. But when Maverick took him out on the other side in such a friendly manner, he preferred that those not be his first impressions of the aviator who would probably be his wingman until the end of that year.

"Yes, I arrived this afternoon, I already unpacked everything in record time, and of course I'm anxious but really, I just needed to relax. Do you know any place, a bar or spot to enjoy before the hard work tomorrow?" Daniel subtly faked a laugh to show that he needed it, that it was half true. He was interested in the drinks, but the captain's company would be a great aggravating factor, he could find out about all pending matters since the captain seemed to be quite reckless even with so many exploits under his belt.

"I have the perfect place in mind but you'll have to get there alone, consider it a reconnaissance mission. No need to report back to me at the end, I'll go as soon as I can to see someone there too, Penny. She can help you if If you're nervous. She's an incredible, beautiful woman and we're convincing ourselves that our relationship is going great. But you don't need to tell her about me. If something happens or you get nervous, count on her. But here's some advice: Be yourself and everything will be fine." His deep laugh was more than enough to determine that he would probably let you deal with that situation alone after it arrived.

Daniel dressed very casually, trying to look like a civilian tourist. Tight pants, simple but shiny shoes and a long-sleeved, high-neck t-shirt. Combed hair and thick glasses. Besides a perfume, you never know when he might win over someone decent tonight.

Maverick was direct when he sent a message on his cell phone indicating the location of the Hard Deck, where civilians and airmen played at tables, drank and listened to great sounds at the same time. It was perfect just stopping at that. But the message indicated that the Dagger squad would be there. Excellent.

After 20 minutes you paid for the Uber ride and said goodbye to the driver, showing her the five stars. She wished her a good night and good luck, which Daniel responded with a chuckle before turning towards the bar.

The Hard Deck was brawnily charming even from the outside. Music was playing loudly, before the beach, and it was hard to miss. you could feel the fun energy the place had from afar, Daniel was in love with the place. A few more steps and the new mission began. Identify the entire squad until Maverick arrives. And there Daniel was almost about to enter when the door opens and there are two airmen, in that unmistakable and tight khaki uniform, carrying a complaining man and throwing him against the sand. One of them was tall with dark skin, very presentable with a friendly and intense face at the same time and the other was a shorter blonde, with a classy pose and an impeccable smile rolling a toothpick between his lips. They said something about not having paid for the drinks and were going back when they saw and greeted Daniel in a cordial, polite way, but it was possible to feel that there was a “snack” in the way they took their steps back to the bar. Before the door closed, Daniel saw them both look back with familiar laughter and the blonde patted the brunette's chest with an air that said “Today we're going to get along”. They smile when they notice Daniel entering right behind, but different from what they expected or not, Daniel goes straight to the counter hoping to find a familiar face.

Daniel greets the woman at the bar, beautiful and starts scanning the bar, already noticing a small variety and when he was putting his cell phone on the counter his gaze quickly passes by the woman at the bar watching you, the bar attendant has a smile shaking her head and Looking into Daniel's eyes, she points to a sign next to her and Then to the bell above her. on the sign “Anyone who disrespects a lady or the Navy…”

You thank her for the warning and smile at her.

"Yeah, I don't want to play the 'I'm new in town' card yet, so I'll just thank you for the warning and order a whiskey and then something stronger to lift my thoughts after all the alcohol. I'm waiting for a colleague who will introduce me everything. I can stay here and watch the movement if it doesn't bother you, I want to meet them." You say pointing to a pool table full of aviators around a game.

"If you like, my partner will arrive soon. And he can even help you with that, he's their instructor."

"No kidding, you're Penny. Wow, you're even more beautiful than I imagined. Captain Maverick can't find any more adjectives to fill you with quality. He's crazy about you and now I understand why. I'm the rookie who came to join a mission. I need more experience with this team and the legendary Maverick." You finish and the woman thanks you for the cheap exposure, giving you space to start studying her before Maverick makes his entrance. Penny engages in the conversation like a good listener, until she is satisfied with confirming what she heard from Maverick.

"Newbie?! He seems pretty humble from what Pete told me. You did well at the gym and are here recommended by your superiors to participate in their new plan. I'd say I'm pretty curious about what else you know how to do up there and here. Until then, all I heard were rumors but you confirmed everything, except for some that you seem to insist on humility. Better be prepared for them, they've heard too much from Maverick about you. Like you're super good in bed according to your colleagues on the old team. Words from Maverick.”

“Oh my God, he didn’t spread it. Obviously it's an invention. I'm not so-” Daniel was in the middle of his defense (or burial) when she points to the pool table surrounded by more of those aviators after a taller one in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses and a small, neatly trimmed mustache walks in. in the mess. Penny completes the vision with her comment: “It's not me who needs to make these lame excuses, it's them who are curious about the captain's mysterious assistant who is as good at shooting down jets as he is in bed. Let me try to help you by talking about them. ”

“Okay Penny, it starts with who’s leading that game.” Penny hears his plea and follows his gaze to the table. The boastful and arrogant blonde has a cue sliding across the pool table, calculating the best angles for his shot when he looks away for a moment just to give a sighing smile of triumph, and soon Daniel notices the clear gaze on him, as if I knew I was watching his skill in that game and then he turned his gaze to the table, taking a firm shot, hitting the ball in a corner, disappearing with two and extending his hand in the air to celebrate hitting the brunette that Daniel saw earlier. They seemed too friendly between them. Daniel took the opportunity to look at the second one there, the dark-skinned one.

He was carrying three beers, he replaced one for the dominant one on the table and took a sip looking at Daniel, giving a smile then even offering a quick wink and turned his gaze to the table already raising the drink to a couple who were watching the game, the The shorter one was discussing the game with another in a restrained way. This first one had his hair cut very short and his young features gave him a boyish look if he matched the guy behind him, dark-skinned and tall with a thin mustache who offered another drink to a woman with her hair tied tightly in a bun that looked like Entertained in the game as well as the duo that commented next to her, she was in front of another of them, a blonde with thin glasses who seemed very interested and shy in a way. To finish the quick trip through the bar, there was that other tall guy with a peculiar mustache, an open flowered t-shirt and aviator glasses that differed from everyone who was wearing a khaki uniform, he and two others further away, one being tall and frowning and the other a little taller. short with a nicer face and a woman and a young Asian man far away drinking. It wasn't so easy to distinguish everyone, but when Penny approached the counter to refill her glass, you ordered a beer and asked her to bring a round to the group.

"It's those over there, the Dagger squadron that I'm going to start working with tomorrow. It looks like an interesting team. I didn't have photos of them as I wanted to meet them all in person, and I also only had a basic description of each and an aviator resume. Would you like to help me putting names to faces? I would really appreciate it. Maverick will be arriving soon and I want to surprise him a little, since I'll be working alongside him."

Penny smiled and lifted her flannel to begin sorting out her requested beers. And she returned to their table with plenty of beers and when the guy in the Hawaiian shirt saw the drinks he seemed to question when she received a slight nod pointing towards you at the counter. He took the

drink and lifted it towards him, taking a sip, lowering his glasses in a sensual way, seeing his eyes behind his glasses, slightly sliding down his nose as he drank the beer. The bottles were taken to the pool table, where there was a group with a beautiful girl with well-tied hair, a couple with a short guy and a dark-skinned guy, there was more of a dark-skinned guy and a blonde guy who was a little shorter, very impeccable, as well as a furthest group with a woman and three other men. She moved to the corner, lifting a bottle of water and a glass of peanuts, they were for the blonde with glasses who caught her attention due to his shyness, he had already met Daniel's gaze several times but he always withdrew his curiosity and returned for half a second, following a teenage smile, it was charming.

Penny walked a little further away with the last few beers, taking one to a man in uniform with a serious face who was literally in the dark corner looking at some papers and as soon as he received the drink he immediately tried to lift the drink and greet you from there with a smile too, charming and serious, he started to get up but went deeper and disappeared into the crowd, in the direction of the bathrooms. Penny came back quickly from her round and placed the tray on the table as if it was all a chore and she hadn't gotten the hang of it.

"Let the introductions begin. Where should I begin?" Penny makes a curious smile before starting to scan the bar staff until a smile escapes. “Okay, since you made an impression on those there, I’ll start with them, so you can fit in faster.”

Penny signals to the tall blonde leaning against the table.

“Hangman, confident in his abilities both in heaven and on earth. He loves to tease, but he's not exactly a terrible person, and he's very honest about everything. Fun and flirtatious. He's even been charming us here since you arrived. Even so, be careful. His little friend is Coyote, he looks serious but is fun, friendly and lighthearted. He's always providing the group with his company and has great conversations if you get tired of some arrogant airman. He doesn't have many problems getting along with anyone, but he takes it easy.

There by their side are Payback, the tallest and shortest Fanboy, a pilot and his WSO, will love them both. They have a great sense of humor and are sharp as a team. The other pair, Phoenix and Bob, the girl is very strong and confident as she should be and it is extremely easy to talk to her, but be careful because she is not an ordinary woman, and your WSO from Lemoore, of all people can being the easiest to become close to because he is extremely charismatic despite appearing to be shy at first, but he is skilled in several areas and fast, in addition to being cute.

The one who arrived the most late and is even getting ready to go to the piano is Rooster, everyone loves him and everyone falls in love with him. It has a unique style but Maverick said it's all inherited from his father, Goose, who Pete flew with before the accident. Long story, but this guy is patient, very friendly and has other good aspects that only those who know him personally can list.

Right there you have Halo and Omaha, WSO and pilot who have been as a team since they arrived with Yale and Harvard also a pilot duo and WSO, Omaha and Harvard are sometimes walking together and could even form a duo if asked because they seem close there and their relationship is very similar to Phoenix and BOB. The last smiling driver is Fritz, it's difficult to say much about these last five because I didn't get to talk to them for a long time.

And there's his Vice Admiral Cyclone, serious and practical. He is soft spoken but knows how to be strict. Don't be too impulsive, he seems to be old school and competes with others there like Maverick, but apart from his professional appearance, he is a sweet person. I should talk to him a lot, he doesn't have much contact with the aviators but he is always watched from afar, like now.”

Daniel snorts at the amount of information.

“You'll get used to it, they're all incredible and they're great, you'll learn a lot from them and I'm sure you'll teach them more too. There will be time for that. Right Pete?” Penny comes down from the counter with Daniel to hug Pete, leaving Daniel with the drink. Pete extends his hand to greet Daniel before issuing the challenge.

“And how are the presentations going, have you spoken to any of them, or would you prefer to leave it for tomorrow?”

"I don't know Captain, I feel like I should do something but it seems like I'm at a fair with so many looks, if I may say so, their curiosity seems to exceed the professional limit. We have almost the same rank and you are a legend to me, But everything becomes difficult to take when I have the information that you've been spreading these 'stories' about me. That's not exactly true, if I may."

“Now Daniel, you don’t need to be anxious about this, I don’t doubt that you’re great in bed. It's not me who is curious to test this idea. I just received information and passed on as much as I could about you to them. I have not excluded any detail of what I heard about you. It's okay, we are human, men and we have needs, you don't need to worry about me, if that's your issue. Go there."

Daniel grabs one last beer before dragging himself off the counter, still nervous. From where he starts to approach, he already notices Hangman showing an incredible pearly smile that even brings a smile, when you pass by him, Hangman lowers his head as if in disbelief but you send him one last smile that catches his attention and you position yourself in the center . Close to Payback and Phoenix.

“You two are the least thirsty of this group.” Daniel points to the other side of the pool.

Phoenix soon says “We kind of made a bet. And everyone here had a different guess."

“And what bet was that? It seems like I’ve been well targeted now.” Daniel drinks his beer while Payback laughs.

"We wanted to see who would get your attention because they all seem to be a little interested. Which is a problem since there's only one of you."

“I still believe Hangman would take it.” Coyote stood up. “but even I was thinking I could try too."

Payback continued “I wanted to bet on you, but I have to put faith in my Fanboy” He said hitting the side of his WSO who looked down and laughed while laughing to the side. "I think Bob's charm would win this one. It was a certainty.” Bob takes a blushing look at everyone within seconds before crossing and locking eyes with Daniel.

“I-I wouldn’t be so lucky, I hate to admit it but I’m between Hangman and Rooster.”

Rooster protested from the piano: "Don't be intimidated like that Bob, you're a bad guy and we all know your skills inside and outside the fighter. Relax a little too, I confess that I would also join the game but despite everything, it's It's a matter of good taste. It might even be that our friends didn't even look at us like that but in other directions, we're not the only hot aviators in the bar."

"But let's cut this nonsense, since it's here and without judgment based on our bets, who would you take to bed tonight." Hangman sat back with open arms looking around.

“You guys are strangely confident and united, it didn't even occur to you that I just wanted to chat or play with you… But okay. I wanted to just be nice and introduce myself but I'm afraid I've been cornered with a good question." Daniel's gaze still travels around everyone before focusing on Pete and Penny who were laughing at hearing everything nearby, when his gaze met with that of the Admiral.

"Captain-Lieutenant Daniel Lima” Said the Vice Admiral, interjecting into the conversation, subtly silencing the group that widened their eyes. “Thank you for the courtesy earlier, there's no need to salute but I would like to give a proper welcome to Pete's new assistant instructor and show my availability for all your questions, as you were so friendly when you first approached. Thank you again and I am flattered and curious about your joining the squad. Welcome back Bread!”

Everyone watching silently looked at each other while Daniel sighed, slightly nervous due to the pressure he suddenly thought of in that small space. Everyone is feeling mixed emotions when Maverick approaches and raises a toast with the beer.

“A toast to the new company and the new challenges, welcome to Captain Lieutenant Daniel “Bread” Lima, cheers!” and he drank nervously like everyone else.

That's all for this chapter, I'll see you soon, maybe next week ...

So, if have any questions or requests, don't miss the chance. Love you, bye!

#top gun #top gun maverick #tgm fanfiction #oc #introduction #Pete “Maverick” Mitchell #Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw #Jake “Hangman” Seresin #Natasha “Phoenix” Trace #Robert “BOB” Floyd #Reuben “Payback” Fitch #Mickey “Fanboy” Garcia #Javy “Coyote” Machado #Beau “Cyclone” Simpson #Penny Benjamin #Billy “Fritz” Avalone #Callie “Halo” Basset #Logan “Yale” Lee #Brigham “Harvard” Lennox #Neil “Omaha” Vikander #x OC #Daniel “Bread” Lima

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, please call me the net anon. i understand there are way more important asks for people who are in need of more desperate advice but i'd like for this to be answered quickly if possible, i need some advice. i'm not sure what tw's to put here, but just some trauma talk, self doubt, mention of cyberbullying and anxiety over the internet. so, i have this online friend i've known since probably 2-3 years. they weren't very close to me in the start, but eventually there were quite a few conversations and we started talking more often. we became close enough for me to share multiple of my problems at home, my trauma, and so on to him. he did the same but not on my level, because i was just happy to have someone to listen to. now, i know i'm going to sound rude but i did not intend to get so close to him. he's not exactly the best person to other people i know on the net community, and has apparently cyber-bullied another online friend of mine, which he excused by 'she's a horrible person too'. but otherwise, he's a very kind, understanding and genuine friend. he passed the stage of best friends, but i can't say i feel the same about him and i don't have the heart to tell him. so now we just call each other 'best friends'. i don't want him to feel like he was just that friend who was made for listening to problems and then never talked to ever again. i personally really like to keep a divide for irl and social media. it helps me feel some sense of control when i don't find myself disappearing off the net bc its overwhelming every week. i've always felt depressed & anxious while being on social media and try my best to limit it. and for the past 3 years, i've kept my face completely secretive. we occasionally send pics of our lives, where we go, and although i've seen his face which he has willingly shown me i cannot get myself to do this. he brought this up a few times and i have reiterated my boundary to him. he does not bring it up again. but it was talked about again recently, persistently this time, and he expresses how he feels at not knowing how his best friend of 3 years looks. he says that sending goofy funny pics to each other should improve my mental health if anything, which in theory, isn't wrong, but not my cup of tea. i get his frustration, and understand his point. but i don't know how to feel about it. if i'm truthful, and harsh, he's an online best friend to me. i don't feel comfy sharing my face. he's mentioned feeling like a mere online best friend, which tbh, he is to me. i just can't tell him that. i mentioned the boundary i keep again, and he said that i don't need that boundary. i'm torn on how to feel about that, bc although i can get how my 'boundary' is a weird concept to him, it's a way for me to maintain my health. how do i go about this? i feel like i'm honestly a bad person for all of this, considering him a mere 'online' person after how patient he has been with me ( even when i disappeared for long periods, once even almost a year, he still didn't give up on me ). but i feel pressured into showing my face and it doesn't feel right to me. i'm past the phase where i needed social media to cope with my irl situations and the consequences of that have caught up in the form of my internet anxiety. thanks for reading.

Hi anon,

Please know that boundaries don't have to be essential to be valid. It's perfectly fine if you don't feel comfortable showing your face and your reasons are understandable. Although I can understand where he's coming from, he should ultimately respect your boundaries. You don't have to show your face if you don't want to.

It sounds like you've already explained and asserted your boundary. If he continues to push it, it's worth re-evaluating your friendship. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

[teenagedirt]

Kissing in cars(8)

Chapter 8- saying goodbye

READERS POV.

* 2 months later*

WARNINGS-talks about anxiety, mentions mvrder

"Alright darling I've got to go" he says looking down at me. I sigh,

"I'm gonna miss you" I whisper out. Me and vic haven't gone a day without seeing each other in nearly three years. Him leaving made my anxiety worse.

"I'm going to miss you too baby" he says pressing a kiss to my forehead. I close my eyes and a tear slips out. He wipes it quickly with his thumb

"we gotta go man", Jaime says peeking his head into the apartment. Vic nods and grabs his bags.

"It's only three weeks it'll fly by" I nod in response and he hugs me once more.

"Bye love" he says and walks out the door.

"Bye Y/N" Jaime shouts.

"Bye" I barely mumble out. He closes the door quietly. I lock it and make my way into vics room. I pick up the hoodie he wore yesterday and slide it on. I smile when I realized it smells like him. I groan and walk back my room and go to sleep. I start to have the recurring nightmare I've been having for the last month, I keep trying to run to vic. He's hurt but I never make it I always watch him get murdered. I jolt up, I feel around for vic, it then hits me, I have have deal with this for three weeks. I pant and grip his hoodie.

"It's just a dream y/n go back to sleep. I grab my phone off the table next to my bed. I click the notification I received from vic. "Hey, I'm at the airport now, if you have that dream again just know I'm okay. I love you" I breath deeply before reply to his message. "Be safe. I love you too" I look at the time. "seven forty" say to myself. I roll my eyes and lay there in bed staring blankly at the ceiling. I swing my legs over the bed and walk to the kitchen.

I take a deep breath and open the cabinet to find something to eat, it's almost empty. "Fucking great" I say and drag myself back to my room. I pull out a random outfit and put it on. I put on my shoes,grab my phone and wallet. I walk out the door making sure to lock it behind me. I walk down the street to the Cafe that me,Vic, Tony, and Jaime went to not that long ago. I rub underneath my eyes, "today is going to a hell of a long day" I mumble to myself.

I walk into the Cafe and straight up to the counter to order. I tell the sweet lady my order and sit down at a small table. I open my phone to see a text from Vic. "Darling I know you get bad anxiety sometimes but try to have a good day today" I smile at the text. And reply "I'll try" I turn my phone off and wait for my order. I bounce my leg pick at my cuticles, twiddle my thumbs. Trying to stop being anxious. I'm twenty-seven years old, why can I not be by myself without freaking out? I question my self silently. "ORDER FOR Y/N" a man yells put. I get up and get it. I leave, I can't stand to day one place alone,, makes me feel as if I'm being watched, part of the anxiety I guess. I walk back home sipping on the drink. When I step inside I place the drink on the counter and go to Vic's room. For the past month either he's slept in the room or I've slept in his because of that Goddamn nightmare. I kick off my shoes and lay in his bed trying to get some kind of comfort. As I lay there I start to cry. I don't why but I just lay and cry. I hate that my mind is trying to convince me that something has happened, deep down I know he's fine, that it's all okay, but another part of me is worrying. I fall asleep crying, I don't have the nightmare so I sleep soundly in his bed. I start to wake up, my back neck hurt, I must have fallen asleep weird. I sit up and take a minute to fully awaken. I rub my face and get up. "Shit my drink" I say, slowly making my way into the kitchen. I start to play some music to distract myself. I grab my drink and basicly chug it. I start to clean off the counters while singing and dancing to my favorite song. I turn around to throw something away. "What was that" I ask myself, "that sounded like the door being unlocked" I say then sum it up to being hopeful thinking. My mind hoping that Vic is home so soon. I then hear the unmistakable creak of our front door and footsteps in the apartment.....

#vic fuentes #vicfuentesxreader #x reader #fanfic #fluff #stories

[koolkat9]

2, 4, 20!

Fun meta asks for writers

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

I have a fic planned with the idea that Gil is Ludwig's dad and him panicking over it and wishing Germania was there to guide him. We don't have enough good dad Germania which is a shame because according to canon he really loves his family.

---

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

Oh gosh let's see...

"The icy caverns that were once Matthew’s eyes burned bright and hot like blue stars. He was no longer that little boy in the bush, and he was no longer that young dominion that needed Arthur to fall back on. He was Canada, wild and rugged, a force to be reckoned with. What Arthur had always wanted him to be. But now, he just hoped that sweet little boy was still in there somewhere. "

-Time Ticks Away

One, I really liked the simile I used. Blue stars are actually the hottest and brightest stars in the galaxy so very fitting for Matthew's rage induced blue eyes (my astronomy class was good for something).

Two, I just love how the dynamic turned out here. Up until this point, Arthur has only known Matthew as a quiet, anxious little boy. But he's grown, and he's angry and his strength is on full display. Arthur had always worried that Matthew was too sensitive, that he needed to teach Matthew hide that all away like how he was forced to as a child. He wanted Matthew to be strong, to be a fighter, to be tough as nails. And in the trenches of WWI Matthew has finally embraced those qualities. But looking at his son, angry, vengeful, hungry for blood makes Arthur feel sick. And this line gives me chills. We always don't know what we have until it's gone (or think it's gone).

---

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

I never include symbolism or hidden references or callbacks. At least not on purpose most of the time. But I will ramble about my fic Ludwig.

The barebones of this fic have been in my mind since I started shipping GerEng three years ago. I only ever seen the whole Germany = HRE debacle through a primarily Ger//Ita lens (I was lucky if I got some exploration of what that means for the german bros on the side). So when I got into GerEng, I wondered what it would mean if GerIta wasn't together. ''

I also started liking the idea of Ger//Ita where Feli just loves Ludwig because Lud looks like HRE or was HRE. I say "was" because I like to imagine Ludwig as his own character even when working in the realm of the Germany = HRE. Regardless of what version of a theory I'm going off with (they are exactly the same or they're separate souls that share the same body) there is a distance between Ludwig and HRE. Ludwig has become his own person and his past as HRE doesn't feel like it's completely his own.

Anyway, GerEng Week rolls around almost 3 years later with a prompt absolutely perfect for these two ideas. It turned into more of an introspective of Ludwig's conflict with his identity. But I really love how the dynamics turned out.

I've loved the idea of toxic Ger//Ita for a few years now, but I'm terrible at making these characters bad people so I never really got to write it. But here, Ger//Ita becomes toxic because Feli is projecting his feelings for HRE onto Ludwig who is no longer the same boy Feli remembers. Not to mention how he's in a vulnerable state, head over heels for Feli and willing to compromise himself to make Feli happy. They don't mean for it to get toxic, but it does. Ludwig realizes this eventually, that he's losing himself, that Feli doesn't actually love him. He also realizes his feelings for Feli had gone out decades ago, only reignited in this one moment where he thought he could connect his present and past self. And Feli knew deep down for awhile that what he was doing wasn't right. And his revelation and apology is one of my favourite things I've ever written. "It’s clear your heart doesn’t belong to me and I’m sorry for feeling entitled to it because of the past" gets me every time.

And Arthur, being one of the only relationships Ludwig has where the other party wasn't so close to HRE. Unlike the others, he isn't blinded by the happiness of being reunited and sees Ludwig struggle. He becomes one of the only people Ludwig feels comfortable talking to to let it all out. Arthur becomes the one to pull him out of the role he put himself into to try to appease others. Because he loves Ludwig for Ludwig. Not for who he used to be. The romance may have been a little rushed at the end and I wish I made reference to Ludwig's crush on Arthur earlier in the fic, but I think it's sweet. Arthur had to pull Ludwig out of a funk once before and he did again proving he'd be someone Ludwig could count on.

#ask game #fanfiction ask game #fanfiction asks #gereng #royal red bros #geruk #unrequited gerita #hetalia

[knickynoo]

“Back to the Future”: Thoughts, commentary, and general ramblings on the (bonkers) novel by George Gipe. Pt 7

Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

- We pick up on Monday morning as Doc and Marty arrive at Hill Valley High. Marty is very much not looking forward to having to attend school in the fifties. And I must mention that I've always wondered as to if our Marty in the movie actually went to classes for that week or not. I always assumed that he and Doc just kind of...loitered around on school grounds or wandered the halls in the morning/during lunch, etc. rather than Marty having actually been enrolled during his stay. Always figured that would have made more sense than Marty spending several hours sitting in classes when he and Doc had so many things to work on and plan out. Nevertheless, Doc tells Book Marty that he actually has to Go To School, and Marty is, understandably, not thrilled. He says school in 1985 was boring enough, so school in 1955 will be even worse. And I am fully Team Marty on this one. Imagine being sent 30 years into the past, endangering your own existence, and then your friend throws some new clothes at you and is like, "Go to school." Poor Marty.

- Marty's comment on the school looking brand new is met with Doc replying that perhaps it's Marty's generation's fault for not taking proper care of the building. This makes Marty recall, "the times he had written on walls and desks." Which brings us to...Book Marty’s (updated) list of crimes: Theft, arson, theft again, breaking and entering, vandalism.

- Okay, okay, Doc just changed his mind and said Marty actually attending classes isn't practical, so they'll just hang around school grounds. Huh, they just didn't care what people did in the 50's, did they? Hit a kid with your car? Just drag him into your house and toss him into a bed. What's that? He's unconscious for NINE HOURS?? ....I'm sure he's fine. (Did I mention that in the scene of Sam and the Baines kids taking Marty up the stairs that they slam his head into a banister??) Oh, the eccentric scientist and a random teenager want to wander the halls of the school and peek in on classes? Go right ahead.

- When Marty tries to introduce Lorraine to George in the hallway, Lorraine drops her books. Marty goes to pick them up, which Doc doesn't like because George is the one who should be acting all gentlemanly and doing that, so he grabs Marty's elbow to stop him and says, "Let him do it, jerk!" :((((( Doc calling Marty a jerk?? 0/10 stars.

- In a very interesting little twist, it appears that Book Doc's, "Why are things so heavy in the future?" line is said purely out of Doc's desire to mess with Marty. Like...it's not a case of Doc just taking the word too literally, as seems to be the case in the movie. (I don't get any indictation that Movie Doc is anything but genuinely confused in that moment) But Book Doc understands what Marty means and is simply making a joke because he, "enjoyed confusing his young friend."

- After Marty and George's conversation in the cafeteria--which Doc tags along for??--Marty follows George home to offer him support as he talks to his father about college. It, of course, does not go well because Arthur McFly is just as anxious and discouraging as George will end up being as a father. He doesn't think it's worth it for George to get his hopes up, only to be crushed by disappointment when he doesn't get in anywhere. Arthur says George is just average and should forget about the whole idea.

- When Marty returns to the garage, he is still upset over George's lack of a spine and his grandfather's lack of support. He laments how it's no wonder he grew up getting such bad advice from his own father when Arthur was doing the exact same thing to George growing up. Doc tells Marty that he's made it a point in his life to never take advice from anybody, especially if that person is older. Marty feels that this is, in fact, good advice--though Doc, harkening back to his own principle, tells Marty not to follow it. And that leads to a very sweet line where Doc says, "In the future--or in the past--if you ever need anything, need to talk to anybody. I'll always be there for you." Which I suppose makes up for Doc calling Marty a jerk earlier. We'll see. You're on thin ice, Doc.

#back to the future #bttf #BTTF: the novel

[sturkillerbase]

Tag Game

Thank you so much for the tag @scorpio-marionette and @misspearly1

Which one of your fics would you enjoy the most if you were able to read it for the first time?

I actually went back to reread my fics before answering these. I've written several imagines, that's how I started, and only later started writing actual fics. I would really like to have the chance to read Ancient Tales for the first time. I invested so much in it, I researched a lot, I added a bit that was inspired by my grandfather, even though I didn't get to meet him. I was so happy about it! But the first chapter only got 26 notes. And the second only 12, all likes... It was my second year in uni, and I had loads of work to do. So that combined with no feedback made me leave it behind. There are things I would've done better if I were to write it today, but it's still a good work. Sad thing I don't remember entirely the whole story to continue it...

Which fic are you most proud of? Why?

I am very proud of It's All Coming Back to Me in Waves. I'm finally good enough in English to have very little misspellings. I'm more mature, so my writing is infinitely better than when I started; I started writing it with the whole story already in my head, so as it goes I only fix something here and there and then add or take away something. I've been on a down side for the past few weeks that blocks me enough to be unable to write, thus delaying the whole thing from being finished. But I finally feel better and I'll be able to catch up soon!

Is their a work you would like to do over again? For any reason, to perfect it, to relive writing it, ect.

As I mentioned before, it was fun to write Ancient Tales. I'd like to do it again both so I could remember what was the ending I had planned for it and to make it better, give it a better flow. My oldest fics are Memories and Broken. They're poorly written - I was just a dumb teenager - my english wasn't so fluent and I didn't even had someone to ask to be my beta. I think they were great ideas, just badly developed. Both were also abandoned after getting absolutely no feedback :/

How do you feel about comments/reblogs/likes?

I absolutely love them, specially reblogs and comments. I wish I got more. I wouldn't have so many unfinished works if I had at least a few people back then to support me. Thankfully, things are better in this new fanfic era of mine, and although I'm no super famous blog, the readers who stick with me are so kind and supportive! Entering the Pedro Pascal fandom has been one of the greatest experiences I've ever had!

Is there a fic that you were shocked to find other people liked? Why?

Years later abandoning Ancient Tales, I got a comment on Ao3 wondering where were the missing chapters and complimenting me for my research on history. I was so shocked!

Is there a fic you wish more people had liked?

ANCIENT TALES!!!

Also Promises Under the Moon got little to no attention. I had bigger hopes for it :( Apparently people are only interested in Dieter Bravo fics if it involves smut.

Is there an idea that you were excited about but just didn't pan out?

Ok, mix of story time and idea explanation here: I once had the chance to dance with my school crush. He was THE crush. I remember that day so dearly. It was so unexpected and sweet and I was shaking all over once the song ended and I went back home smiling to myself like an idiot. It inspired me to write the same scenario for Bucky, except the fic would have a happier ending where the reader would actually start dating him, unlike real life me. I never forgot it though, but I don't know if I'll ever write it.

How do you feel when you post a new fic?

A bit anxious. I always post it before going to sleep so I won't be checking my notifs every 2 minutes. But I'm always hopeful that it'll have better feedback than the last one. It rarely has though...

Thank you for tagging me again! I love answering questions and these were really interesting!

NP tags: @sakkajagga @thegreenkid @supernaturalgirl20 @mandoblowmybackout @ezrasbirdie and anyone else who'd like to join! (also sorry if you've already been tagged, but do tag me to see the answers, I'm loving to read these!)

[kierancampire]

Just venting

Part of therapy today was mentioning that i still am upset that mum thinks i need a carer, and that she treats me like i am incapable or that i am still the same person i was when i lived with her yet never acknowledges why i was the way i was, but my sister who can't wash dishes or do laundry is completely fine apparently. And i said part of the reason i think mum feels this way is my sister has a stable job and i don't work

Even though Jayne rated me both severely depressed and severely anxious when i last saw her, even though i almost cried when she asked me to do something and i told her how broken i am and that i can't do any more right now, even though she has contacted my doctor about me, something she's never done, even though she knows everything that is going on and that i am going through right now, and even though she knows that i get enough pressure about that and that is partly why i opened up to her about being frustrated cause my mum seemingly places so much of capability in a job (though i feel even if i had one, that still wouldn't be enough for her). Jayne still questioned me about why I'm not working, gave me a list of jobs she thinks i can do, told me that i need to get into work, and told me that i am in a great position to get started on it now

She referenced our last session a few times, so she hasn't forgot it already. How can i go from crises to work ready in 2 weeks? I literally ended up have a meltdown yesterday cause of my neighbours noise, I'm struggling under so many things right now that I'm struggling to live, yet i can manage work?

I won't deny, i don't want to work, i don't wanna be stuck in a thing that takes all my time and energy and causes severe stress, that in return maybe gives me enough to just about get by if I'm lucky, and i have no one and nothing else to help me get by. But at the same time, i don't wanna keep living like this as it's miserable, lonely, and there is guilt. But my confidence in my appearance, my mental and physical health, it just ain't there, i also have no idea what i wanna do or what i could do, as I'm not like other people, i can't cope in something that has me unhappy or suffering and force myself through it, i crash, lose my shit, things go bad

And one thing I'm sick of, I've been saying for years that the largest reason I'm not working is because of how crap life has been and all that's going on, and i feel like it is starting to sound like an excuse after all these years, trust me, I'm sick of it more than anyone. But this has been my life for these past few years. It has been like that. No stops. No breaks. There's a reason I'm so depressed, miserable, and burnt out. Even if i had the self-confidence (which is another severe issue) and felt mentally and physically i was more capable, I've been going through so much and have so much going on, i dunno how i woulda managed a job ontop of it all, i feel like I'm barely managing as is

I hate it, i feel shitty about it, i hate whenever someone new asks me what i do for a living and i say nothing. I hate that from others and even internally all my worth is placed on my having a career, i hate that i feel i can't, i hate putting it off, i hate feeling it is inevitable, i hate not knowing what i could do, i hate having all these issues, and i hate that life keeps being almost nothing but shit. But what i also hate is, when I'm literally venting to someone about this, and how shitty it makes me feel due to everything going on, and that person decides that's the perfect moment to add to the issue, grill me on it and try to pressure me into it? And that's the person i go to for support?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, i don't have one person fighting my corner, but i sure as shit have everyone fighting against me, even after hearing how much I'm struggling. Part of why i cried on my way back is my mind went to some real dark places and I'm starting to struggle in seeing how that is the illogical part of me. I just can't keep going on if this is my life and the only person handling it all is me, and if i dare go to another person, every time they just fight against me. I'm so burnt out and can't keep doing it. I don't know how i will if it goes on for much longer

#personal

[willows-woes]

it doesn’t sound fucked up to want attention

in my situation it was, kinda. no ""sane"" ""normal"" person develops a potentially life threatening eating disorder just because they feel like all eyes aren't on them yet. they wouldn't cause BODILY HARM to themselves just so people would look in their direction. yet there i was.

and that's NOT to claim i was neglected or abused. i was given food, water, shelter and a place to sleep. i was "distant" [emotionally speaking] from my family, yes, but we lived under the same roof. i just felt shitty i guess. as i mentioned before, my chronic depression hadn't been diagnosed yet + i wasn't on meds + i wasn't in therapy. so i just hoped I could do something drastic enough to draw the attention onto me, so THEN we'd see a mental health professional, and THEN i could get an answer. an explanation.

meds aren't doing much now though. or at least it doesn't feel like it if I've "cut myself to sleep" twice within the past week [i think??? time's blurred. maybe that was 2 or 3 weeks ago. i don't know] and it genuinely felt good in a fucked up way.

i guess my "attention seeking" isn't as drastic now. or maybe it is. i spend most of my day laying in bed with the curtains closed, online. just trying to do something to get myself entertained, which can be hard. i WANT attention, i genuinely do, but i also don't. i WANT to be seen as a sad victim and coddled and for people to tell me I'm innocent and incapable of doing anything wrong but at the same time I feel super anxious and uncomfortable when i have to actually talk to people most of the time. so i guess I just don't do anything.

i cut sometimes. sometimes it feels good, sometimes it doesn't. overall the deepest I ever reach is styros, which i hate. sure i like that at least TECHNICALLY they aren't cat scratches because I see that white weirdass layer at the bottom of the cut [proving its slightly deeper] but i wish i could just fucking die sometimes.

#asks #answered #tw sh

[tittyinfinity]

Thank you so much! So I also deal with high levels of pain due to a few health issues myself. I've been really nervous about asking for pain medication because of someone who has an issue with it in my family. I've been told that I could *end up like her.*

I guess my question is.... what to the pills feel like? Is there some kind of "high" that makes them addictive? And if so, how do you avoid the urge to take more? I'm sorry if that comes off as insensitive, I just want to know as much as I can before mentioning this to my doctor & family.

It's not insensitive at all! I think those are questions more people should ask, actually!

So I haven't felt the "high" from them since I first started being prescribed them as a teenager. My tolerance has gone up too much for that (which makes it very annoying when people accuse me of taking them for the "high"). It's different for everyone, but for me, it was a warm, fuzzy feeling that makes you happy and love things a lot more. It also made me very very horny 😬

For some people, I've heard that it can make you really tired and loopy. Though I've never personally seen anyone "fucked up" on pain meds.

The reason I was able to keep myself from being addicted to "the high" is because I can't take that many without throwing up lol. That's literally it. I've tried to take more for a "better high" and it just makes you miserable. Gives you a headache and makes you vomit. And it makes you VERY pissy. Even whenever I switched over to oxycodone that didn't have the acetaminophen in it, taking more than a couple would make me miserable.

As far as how it affects me now, it gets rid of the pain and makes my body feel more relaxed instead of tensed up as hell. The only other affects it gives me other than pain relief is focus & energy. It helps with my ADHD in general. I can get past my executive dysfunction more easily, organize my thoughts, and remember to do things I had been putting off. It did used to be part of the "high" back in the day – I focused so hard I shot up to a 4.5 GPA that year. But it doesn't affect me as hard anymore. Just general focus, now.

My body seems to react differently to all drugs, though. So my experience won't be the same as everyone else's.

I'm actually not entirely sure how people end up abusing the pills. I can see WHY, but I don't know how you'd be able to do it without making yourself sick. Again, drugs affect me differently, so I assume it's something I don't feel enough to understand. I know what cravings feel like when it comes to addiction – I used to be an alcoholic and the cravings were STRONG. I also have a nicotine addiction. But I don't get that same craving feeling for my meds, like I need to take them or I'm going to lose my shit. Even whenever I used to feel that "high" from them, I wasn't an anxious mess dying from pill cravings like I was with alcohol. When my meds run out, I'm just like, ah damn, that sucks. I'm not out searching for a pill dealer or anything.

Not gonna lie, I don't really trust when someone says someone else has a "problem" with taking too much pain medication because I've been told I have "a problem" for not being able to push through my level 6-10 pain on a daily basis. I'm told I have a "problem" because I can't make a 2 week prescription last a month. If you don't mind me asking, what does your family constitute as a "problem" for your family member that's taking the medication?

#answered

[timeoverload]

I just wanted to say that I'm not upset anymore about what happened last weekend. I honestly don't have the energy to be angry about anything right now. I realize I never said anything else about it so I'm sorry. I apologize for freaking out. I figured it would be best if I took some time to calm down anyway.

I don't want to be a downer but I'm having a bad week again. I could use a hug right now. I need to talk about stuff because I was having bad thoughts when I was driving home. It has been super busy. Everything is a disaster. Every morning this week I've walked in to find a mess. There are 4 people off this week so that has made things worse. Of course everyone is in a shitty mood and pissed off. I worked 11 hours Monday and Tuesday and 12 today. Almost everyone has been forced to work overtime.

The new computer system isn't making anything easier because it crashes all the time and there are a lot of problems with it. The morning team lead was super pissed off about it this morning. He was throwing a tantrum and yelling. He was trying to record the results for a biological test and the system wouldn't let him because no one logged the information for the control when they put it into the incubator. I was trying to get him to calm down and all he needed to do was put a new control vial into the incubator but he wouldn't listen to me. I offered to open decontam for him because I wanted an excuse to get away even though I still had a ton of stuff to get set up. I get anxious whenever I'm around someone acting aggressively even if their frustration isn't directed towards me.

I think everyone is super tired and people are making a lot of mistakes so we had to flash a bunch of instruments earlier. Somehow I haven't made any major mistakes considering I'm very sleep-deprived so that's good at least.

I remember mentioning a while back that 2 of my co-workers are dating and they fight all the time. It hasn't gotten any better. Today she came up to me and asked me how to get away from an abusive partner because she knew I had been in a similar situation. I was shocked because I didn't realize it was that bad but everything is starting to make sense now. She's dating the same guy that acted really creepy towards me a few months ago. He has always given me bad vibes and I was right not to trust him. He's very manipulative and controlling. I gave her advice and reminded her that she can text me any time. I am going to do my best to help her as much as I can. I'm not afraid to tell him to fuck off if I have to because I've already done it once. It's going to be difficult for her to get away from him since they work the same hours. I'm just glad they don't live together but I really hope he doesn't do anything crazy. I feel horrible for her and no one deserves to get treated that way. I hope things get better for her.

Anyway, the past few days have been a blur. I am glad tomorrow is my Friday. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the day but I know I will. I don't want to think about it anymore right now.

I know I need to try to relax but I'm having a tough time. I can't shut my brain off. I haven't been eating enough this week so it's making me feel like shit too. I wish I had more of an appetite. I will force myself to eat something soon. I am so achy right now. My neck is bothering me a lot and it feels like someone is stabbing needles into my vertebra. I just want to feel better.

I'm sorry for being so negative and complaining so much. I have to talk about stuff so I don't explode.

I still have a lot to do before I go to bed unfortunately. I hope I can get stuff done quickly because I need to try to decompress for a while. I can't focus anymore so I should probably stop writing now. It would be nice if I could go to sleep at a decent time because I'm so tired.

Thank you all for listening to me vent. I really appreciate it. I hope everyone has a wonderful day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

#personal