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scribbleb-red · 4 years

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Camisado (Your Emo Andreil AU)

[This started as a Morning AU on Twitter, warning: we're going very 00s]

Andrew and Neil meet in a chat room age 13.

Andrew's handle is @/phantom!attheopera

Neil's is @/isayshotgun

Andrew initially hangs around because he finds it hilarious how Neil roasts people he likes and trolls people he doesn't.

They also both have things in common - starting with but limited to their love of PATD and pretty much all emo music they can get their barely-teenage hands on. Andrew likes it a little heavier than Neil - but they both rave about Brendan Urie, Gerard Way and the Maddens.

They strike up a penpal style relationship - moving first from the chatroom to private messages, then the msn and email.

They confide in each other. Neil moves around a lot because 'my dad's a bad man, he's after me and my mom'.

Andrew tells him about Cass and Drake.

isayshotgun: he shdnt do dat 2 u

phantom!attheopera: i know

isayshotgun: id get u out

phantom!attheopera: how

isayshotgun: im gd w/ knives

phantom!attheopera: maybe you can teach me.

phantom!attheopera: and I'll teach you to spell, honestly.

isayshotgun: *eyeroll*

Neil doesn't come to get Andrew because Aaron happens first.

And then Andrew's in juvie and playing exy and the only way he can stay in touch with Neil is email. He shouldn't even be allowed email, but he's willing to get on his knees to have computer access, access to Neil.

Something about email makes their friendship even deeper.

Actually, Andrew's fairly certain that he's half way in love and that if they were different people they'd have already talked about this. Still, it's because of email that he notices something is wrong with Neil.

His emails, which were long and rambling, have suddenly become short - no less full of feeling and affection, but syntactically different.

He tries to ask about it.

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Subject: what's wrong with you?

Neil is cagey at first but Andrew gets it out of him in the end.

From: isayshotgun

To: phantom!attheopera

Re:Re:Re:Re:Subject: what's wrong with you?

Being shot really sucks. That's all. N

All Andrew wants to do then is cross the country, gather Neil close and keep him safe. They're fifteen now and he'll be leaving juvie next month.

"Can you keep safe until then?" Andrew types.

"U cant save me. We talked about this." Neil's reply is not what he wants to read.

Andrew's released to Tilda. He finds out his brother is hooked on painkillers and his birth mother is an abuser.

phantom!attheopera: she hits him. I need to stop her.

isayshotgun: ... ...

phantom!attheopera: what?

isayshotgun: is that weird? for moms 2 hit u?

phantom!attheopera: your mom hits you too?

isayshotgun: 2 teach me not 2 be stupid.

isayshotgun: keepin me alive

phantom!attheopera: that's not how it works, no one hits you for your own good. that's...

phantom!attheopera: my therapist calls it emotional abuse and controlling behaviours.

Neil ends up sharing a lot more than he was probably initially intending - about the one time a girl kissed him and he couldn't walk properly for a week; about the way his mom pinched him and made him recite their rules back; about how he wasn't allowed to be sick, ever.

phantom!attheopera: one of these days I'll find you and we'll run away together. We'll go anywhere you want. Settle somewhere safe.

isayshotgun: do u think ud like me irl?

phantom!attheopera: well I can't see your spelling if you're talking

isayshotgun: rofl lmao

Andrew tells Neil about Aaron.

phantom!attheopera: he's a total prick

isayshotgun: hv u tried talkin 2 him about smthing easy? like exy?

phantom!attheopera: just because you like stickball

isayshotgun: no i mean maybe u need a bridge 2 talk. common grnd.

phantom!attheopera: ...maybe

Neil is the one who gives him the idea about crashing the car with Tilda in it too. He sends Andrew all the instructions on a floppy disk that he posts to Andrew's therapist. On the front of the disk, Neil has scrawled their usernames. Andrew smiles.

Their relationship is a strange one - they are always there on the other end of the computer to each other, but they've never swapped photos and never heard each other's voices.

When Andrew gets a phone, he asks Neil if he has one and Neil says no, only his mom has a burner.

Still Andrew gives Neil his number and on his birthday, November 4th, he gets a call from a Seattle phonebox.

"Hey," Neil says. Andrew can hear him shivering, the chatter in his teeth.

"Happy Birthday, Drew."

They talk and talk. It's the best birthday Andrew's ever had.

Right up until the gunfire.

Neil vanishes.

There's no emails. No MSN messages. No highly irritating nudges. He's not in any of their usual chatrooms.

Andrew doesn't get another phone call.

Weeks go by. First one then another then another.

Andrew leaves messages. He sends emails. He really really hopes Neil isn't dead.

Aaron and Andrew go to live with Nicky.

They're approached by The Ravens. Andrew turns down the infamous Riko Moriyama and his absurdly pretty Number 2, Kevin Day.

David Wymack shows up. The deal extends to Aaron and Nicky if he wants it. Andrew says yes.

Sometimes Andrew thinks about Neil and tries to make an effort with Aaron, but Aaron is angry and a recovering addict and nothing Andrew says or does is ever enough. He still tries.

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Subject: 9 ways I'm trying to befriend my twin

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Re: Subject: make that 11 ways

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Re:Re:Re: Subject: none of these are working

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Subject: you'd hate him too

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Subject: ok fine, I don't hate him

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Subject: Happy New Year

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Re: Subject: And Happy Birthday I guess

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Subject: I miss you

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Re: Subject: I still miss you

From: phantom!attheopera

To: isayshotgun

Subject: Panic! are play in Columbia next month !!!

From: isayshotgun

To: phantom!attheopera

Re: Subject: Panic! are play in Columbia next month !!!

got u a ticket c u there @ 7pm

Andrew blinks. He stares at his inbox. The 1 new message. Neil's username. Neil is alive. Neil is coming to Columbia. Neil is coming to a Panic! At The Disco gig. He bashes out a hasty message.

phantom!attheopera: Are you serious?

isayshotgun: yeh

The month vanishes under Andrew's feet. He's nervous. He's excited. Nicky is exuberant.

"My cousin has a date!"

"Not a date, Nicky."

Nicky just slides a knowing look his way and when Andrew takes the car keys, tells him to drive safe and stay out of fights. Andrew scoffs.

They haven't been talking much, Neil and Andrew.

But Neil promised that Andrew wouldn't be able to miss him.

Neil was telling the truth. He's standing there, a too-skinny teenager with badly cut hair flopping into his eyes, with a giant sign saying "phantom!attheopera".

Approaching, Andrew sees that Neil is gaunt, there's shadows under his eyes, which are blue as the sky on a clear, cold day.

"You ready to scream your crooked heart out?" Andrew asks.

Neil looks up with a slow smile. It wobbles as if his face is out of practice.

"Hey."

"Hi."

They will - in fact - scream their crooked hearts out that night. They will hold each other upright and throw themselves through the mosh pit, feeling the press of elation and anger and frustration and hope. Neil will trip a stranger who gets too close for Andrew's comfort. Andrew will deliberately spill a drink over a girl who won't stop eyeballing Neil with hearts in her eyes.

"My hero," Neil laughs. His laugh is rusty too.

Andrew wants to hear it again and again. He wants to hear it every fucking day for the rest of his stupid emo life.

When the music fades and the crowds disperse, Andrew and Neil are left in the carpark, sitting on the bonnet of Andrew's car.

He asks Neil where he's going tonight.

Neil shrugs.

He asks Neil if his mom is nearby but he already knows the answer. Mary Hatford is dead.

They don't leave for hours. Neil explains everything that night - who his dad is, what he's running from. Andrew doesn't care.

When they're both cold, they sit in the car and turn the heating up. Andrew offers his hand to Neil and Neil curls their fingers together.

Neil is tired. Neil is so so so tired.

"Come home with me." Andrew says. "Stay."

Neil slumps against the seats, his head tilted so Andrew can see every sharp angle of his face. There's no fight, no bargaining.

Just a sweet, fluttering feeling neither of them know to call hope.

The end.

#morning AU #Andreil #emo #emokids #00s aesthetic #andrew minyard #neil josten #aftg #panic!#at the disco

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mental-health-advice · 7 years

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i don't have anyone to talk so i thought i'd give this a go. i really don't know what's wrong with me. i have there terrible mood swings where i'll be fine but in a matter of ten minutes my emotions will be off the wall. during these spells i feel angered, frustrated and do nothing but cry. im not sure what triggers them but sometimes to calm down i'll pinch myself. im kinda worried pinching will turn into worse things since the pain feels almost like a release. this sounds crazy i'm sorry.

Hi beautiful,

I am sorry to hear that youhave been dealing with such intense mood swings recently. I want to start offby saying that nothing you had told us sounds crazy. Actually, a lot ofdifferent people have to go through the exact same feelings that you are currentlyhaving. The positive thing though, is that you have realised that something haschanged within you and that you may need help to learn how to deal with thesesudden behaviours.

I’ll come back with thepinching later and will start off with the mood swings first, since they seemto be the cause of the painful behaviour you’ve been inflicting to yourself.Mood swings can be caused by sooooooooomany different things. That means it will be hard for me to put my finger onexactly what has been causing yours. Of course, I am not a mental healthprofessional, which means I do not have to power to tell you why you’ve beenfeeling this way, but I will still list on the possible explanations for your intenseand frequent mood swings. Remember that self diagnosis is not a good idea andthat you should always seek help from a professional, who will be able to offeryou the proper help on how to get better.

They could be caused by depression : Have you been feeling moretired lately? Have you been feeling like the only thing you want to do issleep, unable to find the motivation to do the things that once made you sohappy? Have your emotions been all over the place, unable to concentrate onanything else but sadness and intense feelings of emptiness? Have you lost weightor felt like you’ve been getting sick? Have you felt like it was hard toconcentrate and hard to think straight? If the answers to these questions areyes, then the mood swings might be caused by depression.

They could also be caused by bipolar disorder : Have you been feeling like yourthoughts are all rushing through your mind at the same time without you beingable to control them? Have you been feeling like your moods are more irritableand elevated lately? Have you been feeling impulsive, doing different thingsand taking decisions that you would of have never made before? Have you beenfeeling sleep deprived, like sleep does not seem to matter anymore? Do you tendto not be able to have a stable conversation, changing quickly from one topicto another without them being related? If the answers to these questions areyes, the mood swings might be caused by bipolar disorder.

The next one might soundcompletely strange, but mood swings could also be caused by premenstrual syndrome if you are agirl. The most frequent behaviours you can feel when in pms are :oversensitivity, crying, anger and irritability, anxiety and exaggerated moodswings. If you are having premenstrual syndrome, this is what you should besensing in your body : feeling tired, feeling bloated, having weird cravings oran increase of your appetite and even insomnia. If you are feeling all this,your mood swings could be caused by premenstrual syndrome. Those feelingsshould happen for a few to several days before the one week of your menstrualcycle.

Now in more rare cases, moodswings could be caused by schizophrenia: Symptoms of psychotic behaviours are :Have you been having disorganised behaviour? Have you experienced any type ofhallucinations of hearing, such as having voices in your head? Have youexperienced any type of hallucinations of seeing, such as bugs crawling on yourskin? Have you experienced any type of hallucinations of taste, such as tastingthings that are not connected to reality? Symptomsof less psychotic behaviours are : Have you felt inhibition of facialexpression? Have you felt a lack in your care and self hygiene? Have you beenfeeling lack of motivation? Is your speech lacking or incoherent? If the answerto these questions are yes, your mood swings could be caused by schizophrenia.

Mood swings can also be causedby ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivitydisorder) : Have you felt like your capacity to concentrate on a task is low?Have you felt like you are easily distracted or have short memory? Do you havetrouble staying seated for a long period of time? Do you always feel the needto talk? Do you easily feel bored? If the answer to these questions are yes,then the mood swings you have been feeling might be caused by ADHD.

It could also be, in more rarecases, dementia : Have you beenforgetting things easily? Do you have trouble doing certain tasks that you wereonce able to do with very little effort -likegetting dressed or going to the bathroom-? Is your ability to communicatedifficult? Have the people surrounding you seen a big change in your behaviourand are struggling to recognise you? If you are feeling those things and havesaid yes to those questions, your mood swings might be caused by dementia.

Now, I know all of that was alot of information to take in. As I said before, I am in no case aprofessional, which means I cannot diagnose you and as I said earlier, selfdiagnosis is never a good idea. Your mood swings could even be related to noneof the above, coming from a complete other source. That is why I highly suggesttalking to a professional about what you have been feeling lately.

Now, let’s talk about thepinching. I can understand that you might feel scared that the pinching mightturn into scarier things. In the end, any type of behaviour that is done toprocure you pain, is considered like self harm, even though no blood isinvolved. You should definitely talk to your therapist about that as well. I amvery proud of you though, for realising these behaviours quickly before themgetting worst. It shows how incredibly brave you are. There are a lot ofoptions that can make you feel better, other than pain. You could look at ourdistractions page to get more ideas. To avoid injuring yourself, I suggesttrying to keep yourself surrounded by people when you feel sad, to avoid beingalone. I would also suggest staying away from the emplacement where you usuallypinch yourself as much as possible. You can also grab a pen and whenever youfeel like pinching yourself, you can draw a little dot on the spot you were thinkingof hurting. That way, you can look at the crayon instead of the red mark itwould do on your skin. The crayon marks at the end of the day will show you theurges you were able to resist and will make you feel quite proud. Remember thatno matter what struggles you are going through right now, you are beautiful andwonderful. You do not deserve to get hurt. You can also have a look at ourAlternatives to Self-Harm page and to the Reasons not to self-harm page on our blog. Theycan be a massive help whenever you feel like pinching at your skin.

Remember that there isabsolutely no shame in getting help. You are beautiful and wonderful anddeserve all the happiness in the world. We love you and are always here for youwhenever you need to talk. You are not alone lovely.

Storms don’t last forever, your strength will fightthe clouds away and let the rainbow shine throughout the sky.

Sabrinaxx

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