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#so im trying to like. write down good things. anyway fsjdklfds rambling
brightjin Β· 3 years
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im just rambling abt trans stuff and being mushy to get it out of my brain
i think one of the biggest breakthroughs i had wrt my gender is overcoming my internalised transphobia about my attraction to men, like i struggled so hard and would feel ashamed bc it made me feel like a straight woman even though i've never once related to how a straight woman expresses her attraction to men, but now i've like. started accepting and loving my attraction to men as a bisexual man. it's really done so much for me and even though i sometimes get that internalised transphobia of not being "manly enough" to feel like that, most of the time im just. so happy. i was so scared for a long time to lose my "status" as a wlw bc it's a label i attached myself rly hard to, but i never had to be afraid to begin with. fully coming to terms with being a bi man has been so liberating.
another big breakthrough was finally accepting that im nonbinary and can use he/him pronouns and feel attached to masculinity and still be nonbinary. i remember before i knew i was trans i always felt a connection to people identifying as nonbinary men but i never knew why, never really understood why i took it so personally when people would dismiss and disregard nonbinary men as "not making sense" because "it makes perfect sense to me". im just a nonbinary man and thats hella cool.
anyway spending time w my boyfriend this past week, as always, has been so good and so healing. just existing w someone who understands me and loves me is something that can actually be so personal. like i still have a lot of dysphoria. it makes me yearn more for hrt and top surgery so i can finally feel 100% comfortable. i just want to lie shirtless in bed with my boyfriend and feel comfortable and for every year that passes that i can't, a little bit of my soul dies. however, i still feel better about myself now than before i went to see him and thats love baby! like despite my struggles and not doing well mentally, seeing him is always a mental refresher. were it not for school i would've stayed longer tbh!! anyway looking forward to seeing him again already we're gonna hang out on discord later today and probably play wow and its gonna be great
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