#so it seems completely fucking pointless to have to go through so much pain and sickness every month for absolutely no reason

[theygender]

I'm doing it. I'm gonna get a fucking hysterectomy

#its something ive talked about half jokingly for years bc the idea of ever being pregnant or giving birth makes me INCREDIBLY dysphoric #so it seems completely fucking pointless to have to go through so much pain and sickness every month for absolutely no reason #this past month where i couldnt get my medication already had me seriously thinking about it tho #bc even if im managing my endometriosis okay with BC i dont want to have to worry about going through hell if i cant fill my prescription #i was looking into the side effects and etc bc i was thinking about asking my doctor about it next time i went in #and the only thing that had me concerned was that a full hysterectomy or oophorectomy sends you into menopause which seems like itd suck #(but smaller surgeries like tube ligations dont actually stop you from having periods) #BUT i was complaining about this at work and one of my coworkers told me she had a hysterectomy for endometriosis #and her doctor gave her a partial hysterectomy so it stops periods and prevents pregnancy but doesnt send you into menopause #and that sounds fucking GREAT honestly so i wanted to ask my doctor about it even more #but now that roe v wade has been overturned? the deal is sealed im getting this hell machine out of me one way or another #im hoping that my doctor will be understanding as a woman herself but if not my coworker said she'll give me her doctors info #and if THAT doesnt work. i just checked out r/childfree and theyve got a list of doctors in my area who are willing to help #i dont want to keep suffering through chronic illness symptoms every month for absolutely no reason #i dont want to run the risk of getting pregnant and having to live through my worst nightmare as someone with dysphoria #AND like my gf just pointed out to me. ive got other health issues that im trying to get sorted out #im chronically underweight and i either have pots or some kind of hypertension. plus a low immune system and etc etc etc #being forced to carry a pregnancy could fucking kill me for all i know. AND i would have to go off of a lot of my meds?? #all this thing does is cause me chronic pain and put my already precarious physical and mental health at risk #im GETTING it fucking taken out #rambling #ive got an appointment with my therapist on tuesday and i think im gonna ask about getting an official diagnosis of gender dysphoria #and im already in the process of getting tested for pots with my primary care doctor #so hopefully those diagnoses combined with my endometriosis will help speed it along... 🙏

[rickssugarplum]

Rick Returns

After a much too long hiatus, I have finally made a new Rick fic. Wow. A lot has changed since my last fic, but I want to thank all of you amazing readers who have been so patient. Please forgive me if my writing is a little rusty. Thanks again and excited for Season 7 tonight! ❤

(Rick C-137 x Reader) SFW-, Swearing, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Someone, Season 6 Spoilers, 1,900+ words

Rick comes to see you again after a long time. And you find some changes in him.

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It had been too long. Far too long. You hadn't heard a single word from Rick in what felt like a lifetime and were still wondering what the hell went wrong. It seemed to have happened out of nowhere. One day, everything had been fine, and then suddenly, he all but disappeared. He didn't come see you anymore; he wouldn't call you up, not even a single text. At first, you started to think an adventure went awry. Then you started thinking something was really wrong, but you weren't sure what. Is he on a new planet? Did he have to do a high-paying mission? What if he's hurt? Or could he be dead? With how things are now, he might as well be. He started to become a series of bittersweet memories now. You did everything you could to try to forget him, but that was pointless. Rick Sanchez wasn't a man you can just forget, no matter how hard you tried. Many tears were shed, and many thoughts crept into your mind. If his leaving had nothing to do with his space-traveling lifestyle.

Did I do something wrong?

Did he find someone else?

Was I...not enough?

Many months had passed, and you were certain the blue-haired scientist was out of your life forever.

Close to midnight, you were in your bathroom washing your face and getting ready to sleep. As you enter your bedroom, about to lay down in your bed, you hear a sound you thought you would never hear again—the loud warp of a portal.

Immediately, your heart sped up rapidly as you wondered if you were hallucinating. But when you saw a young brunette boy in a yellow t-shirt, you were completely puzzled.

".....Morty??"

You were worried he was here to tell you really bad news about his grandfather. But you had no time to even ask what was happening before another figure broke through the portal. A figure much taller. The silhouette of his spiky hair caught your eye immediately.

It was him. He was here. Rick was back in your room.

His eyes were fixed on you right away. There was almost a determination in them. Yet he also looked unsure.

"Thanks, Morty. I'll take it from here." He motioned the kid to the portal, presumably back home. The boy took a worried glance at both of you before turning back through the portal and disappearing. Now it was just you and Rick. Looking into his eyes for the first time in forever, all the pain came back crystal clear. And the source was right in front of you.

"Bab-"

"DON'T. YOU. DARE. 'BABY' ME."

Rick shut his mouth and understood right away. You were not going to let him off so easily.

"You son of a bitch." You spat at him.

"I know you're mad, and I-"

"Mad!? You ghost me for months; I haven't had even one measly fucking text, and you think I'm mad!?" You interrupted. "I didn't know what the hell happened to you! All these months without any contact from you. Nothing."

Rick stayed silent. He had no argument to make.

"At first, I just thought, 'Oh, he's on a big adventure with Morty! No biggie!' Or had a run-in with an alien mob or something, and it would just take a bit longer to get back to me," you explained. Looking back at Rick, he was rubbing the back of his neck, his eyes looking down to the floor. But you knew he was still listening.

"I was starting to think you were dead." You confessed, trying to keep yourself together.

Rick took in a deep breath before he answered. "I owe you an explanation. All I ask right now is that you'll let me give you that," he requested.

Goddamnit. Just hearing his voice again is painful.

"I thought you were done bailing on people," you said bitterly.

Rick interjected, "Hey, don't start with that." You watched him grab his flask out of his lab coat and take a sip from it.

"Why? Truth too much for you? Does the great Rick Sanchez actually have a kryptonite?" you mocked.

Rick put his hand over his mouth, keeping himself quiet as you let out everything you suppressed inside all this time.

"You told me you'd never leave me behind. No matter where you'd go, you would stick around." You scoffed. "I was really fucking stupid to believe you."

Rick was starting to get agitated. This was not how he pictured this playing out.

"Ugh. Look, I didn't come here to argue."

"No. You want to smooth everything over so I can do any favors you'll want. Bet you never even thought about me all this time. Out of sight, out of mind, right?"

"It's not like that!" he argued. The nerve of him "Why wouldn't it be? It's the same ending to every chapter in your life, Rick. You'll never change."

He winced. That one stung a little. You knew some of your statements could hurt him, but you were too angry to care. Part of you wanted him to see how it felt to be let down by someone you've given your heart to.

"You left an entire dimension after destroying it."

Rick was losing his composure. "Don't."

"Left your family on a tiny planet when the world was going to shit."

He didn't want to hear any of this. "Stop."

"You left Morty to be with some fucking crows."

"Knock it off," he warned.

"Or what!? Are you gonna leave again?" you challenged. "I was starting to accept the fact that you wouldn't come back. What would stop you now?"

"That's not what I meant!" he argued.

"Why would I be so special that you wouldn't bail again? You've done it your whole life. Starting with your own wife and daughter!"

Rick lost it. "I DIDN'T LEAVE MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER!" he shouted. His hands tangled in his hair, and his eyes squeezed shut.

That stopped you dead in your tracks. Confused, you stepped closer to him. A soft gasp escapes when you see that his face has now become wet with tears.

"Rick...?" you said softly. All the rage you previously had inside you has now completely evaporated. This new shift startled you. He was not someone who openly broke down. Nor would he tell such a lie while doing so.

If he didn't leave them, then why weren't they ever with him? Unless his wife took their child and left him, or if they had...

...........

No.

A new feeling is integrated into you: guilt. You were starting to pick up all the tragic pieces together. The heartbreak was plain to see on Rick's face as he trembled in front of you.

In that moment, the source of all his demons became more clear than ever before. He had truly suffered the worst kind of pain.

"Oh...Rick...." Your voice cracked. The distance between you both closed as you wrapped your arms around him. He accepts them immediately and holds on tightly.

"I'm so sorry..."

His face is buried in your neck. To shield his face, or more to just feel you again, it didn't matter. Right now, he needed this. Stroking his baby blue hair, you had almost forgotten how soft it was...

"Rick...I'm sorry...I had no idea..." you said in shame, thinking back to everything you'd said to him before. Now, he had every right to be mad at you. But his first response you received was a soft, gentle kiss on your neck, making you lightly shiver.

"It's haunted me for many years. Consumed most of my life," he confessed. Lifting his head up, you see his face. His eyes were red, and his cheeks were damp from his hurt flooding out of him. Your thumbs gently brush away the tears under his eyes. "I...thought I had finally could have a new chance to find some stability, be with a family, but...something did come up...and it all came flooding back..."

Your brows raised at that.

"So...that's why I haven't been around."

You still weren't entirely aware of the whole story. But one thing was certain: When Rick Sanchez is consumed by something, he gives his all into it.

"I'm such a fucking idiot..." you blurted out, shaking your head. "I thought...you had just gotten bored and moved on from me..."

Rick interjected, "Oh no, baby no..." He pulled you back into his arms, placing your head on his chest. His heartbeat soothed you as you took a deep breath in and out.

"You weren't the only one I hurt here... I-I had kept Morty out of it all too..."

A sigh escapes you. "He's such an amazing grandson to you," you mutter.

"Yeah...but he's not my grands-"

"Yes, he is." You interrupted. "It doesn't matter where you came from or where he came from. He's been there for you through everything and seen you at your worst. And the fact that he came here tonight with you just to make sure you were okay shows me that he still cares about you despite everything. I know he wouldn't want any other Rick. And you wouldn't trade him for any other Morty. You are his grandpa, Rick."

His arms hold you a bit tighter, a silent 'thank you' for your encouraging words.

"Did he tell you to come talk to me?" you wondered.

"Uh no. I, uhh, hooo boy...You won't believe it when I tell you," he warned you awkwardly.

"What?" You didn't know what or who else could convince him to do anything.

"I...was told I should see you by...my uhh...therapist..." he finished, rubbing the back of his neck.

Your eyes bugged out in shock. "A therapist!? You're seeing a therapist!??

He scoffs "Okay, you really don't have to rub i-" His sentence is cut off by a surprise kiss on his cheek, leaving him a little startled. "Oh, Rick. I'm so proud of you," you say sincerely. It's as if hell had frozen over. He really has changed.

"Yeah, she's, uh, she's alright," he admits with a small smile. "She also told me to tell you what I needed to say, so... I'm sorry."

Your vision starts to get blurry with tears. Those two simple words from this man mean so much. Cupping his face in your hands, you give Rick a small smile before leaning forward and pressing your lips to his. Your arms wrap around his neck, never wanting to let him go. He holds you close when he kisses you back with a little more desperation. He hasn't been kissed by you in so long.

When you finally break away to breathe, you look into his eyes again. This time, they look more serene. As if he feels some shred of peace for the first time in... he can't remember when.

"I've missed you..." you whispered. He pressed his forehead against yours.

"I missed you too, baby..."

With that, every shattered piece of your heart had been put back together. There was more he needed to share with you, but the emotional reunion and the fact that it was late at night left you exhausted. But you were going to sleep much more peacefully with the eccentric man resting beside you once again.

After all these painful months, Rick was finally back. He's changed in some ways, and you were looking forward to seeing how these changes would guide him to a better path.

Because, no matter what happens, you will always love him.

❤

#rick sanchez x reader #rick sanchez #rick and morty #rick sanchez fanfic #rick and morty season 7 #rickssugarplum

[spacemagicandlaserswords]

The Clone Wars 4x10 ‘Carnage of Krell’ Reaction

OMG

I AM NOT OK

MY EMOTIONS

DOGMA

REX

WAXER

TUP

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH

Ok ok trying to get my thoughts in order. Even still, this is going to be all over the place.

Tup coming up with the idea of using the Umbara sarlacc monster to trap Krell was so damn clever.

The moment Dogma broke and realised he’d been betrayed just absolutely broke my heart. He thought he was doing the right thing the entire time. He was trying to do the right thing. He was trying to be good. Omg good soldiers follow orders nooooo now is not the time for that thought. 

Do we know what happens to Dogma? Please tell me we find out what happens to him.

Jesse’s shoulders are so broad. That shot of him from the back in his upper blacks in the brig was just, omg, sir why are you so broad?

WHY THE FUCK DID THEY PUT A MEDIC IN A FIRING SQUAD?! WHAT WAS KIX DOING THERE?! WHY?! WHAT KIND OF MESSED UP NONSENSE IS THIS?!

Also, they put Tup in the firing squad as well?! It seems like Tup and Dogma are close so I’m assuming their close or best friends or maybe batch mates but WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

“Well, I’ve officially lost my sense of humour” Jesseeeeeeeeeeeee

I got the distinct impression that Jesse was much less impressed with what was happening than Fives, who seemed like he’d accepted his fate, until…

THAT ABSOLUTELY BADASS SPEECH! FIVES! You have all of my heart. All of it.

I kept mentally screaming “Where is Cody?!” during the scene where the 501st and 212th attacked each other until I realised that Waxer was in charge so of course Cody and Obi Wan aren’t there.

The whole scene where the clones attacked each other was just utterly heartbreaking. Emotionally destroyed. I was clutching my face and shaking and making pained noises and tearing up for pretty much all of this episode but that scene. Ugh. Omg. I do not have the words. I am completely devastated. The way Rex fell to his knees. The looks on all the clones faces. How the 212th clone Rex was holding fell to the ground. *sobs*

Waxer had a sticker of Numa on his bucket *WAILS*

And the tear right before he dies?! *SOBS*

I know it’s an “animated kids tv show” but it really made no sense that there were all these injured and dying clones and there’s no blood. Especially when Waxer was coughing and wheezing. That’s the point you’d expect him to be coughing up blood but there’s nothing. Also, Rex’s face when he asked Waxer who gave the order them to attack. It was so gentle and caring and sad.

Speaking of sad, the end where they’re all question what this is all for. They’re so right. So much pointless death and killing. 

Rex when he went down to execute Krell. Omg, you poor, poor man. So many emotions. He was struggling with so much. I know this is his line of “On your knees” comes from, and twice. And it was definitely a badass moment and I’m sure in time with further watching it’ll become one of those moments where if Rex said that to me in that voice I’d impale my knees through the floor immediately but at the moment I can’t separate it from the situation and what was happening. He was shaking.

I’m going to have to watch through these episodes again and do more of a live-blog style reaction to everything as I watch it, similar to 1x5 ‘Rookies’, 2x10 ‘The Deserter’, and the recent Wolffe episode, because I know I’m missing so much. But I also wanted to get this immediate first emotional reaction out first becomes omg ALL THE EMOTIONS

Of course the evil baddie starts monologuing. You could see his eyes turn yellow.

Ah, so this is the episode where the badass shot of Rex putting on his bucket while marching with a bunch of the 501st comes from. 

How did Fives, an ARC Trooper, not notice Dogma, who was in binders, had taken his blaster? And why did they take Dogma out of the brig in the first place? I may be reading into this way too much but I think mayhaps Fives (and Rex?) knew what they were doing? Maybe? Even I’m not sure reading that back. But Fives doesn’t dual wield like Rex, we’ve seen him very clearly use a DC-15 blaster rifle many times in battle. Though Wookieepedia says Fives “began using twin DC-17s like his friend Rex, though he continued [to] use the DC-15A from time to time.” and cited episode 4x8 ‘The General’ as the source for that quote. I think I’m just overthinking this now. Also, sobbing at that quote from Wookieepedia where Rex is referred to as his friend rather than Captain.

Waxer had tally marks on his armour too. Has Rex started a trend?

Who was the clone who reported to Rex at the end of the episode that Umbara had been taken? Was that Appo? He seemed very “generic standard clone”, with no different paint or tattoos or hair.

I’ve noticed that unless they’re specific characters, the rest of the clones (background clones? extras?) seem to be all the same. Which makes sense from an animation perspective, you’d just copy and paste (heh) the same model and save time by not having to customise every single one. Though I wish we could see some of that individuality in all of them, rather than just the main and supporting ones.

A lot of the lighting, especially of the clones' faces, is very stark, almost horror movie-esque. Like when you put a torch under your chin and tell spooky stories. 

Ok I’ve sort of run out of steam and fallen in an emotional heap now so I think that’s it for this and I’ll have to come back to everything in the re-watch. 

I’m going to go and curl up in a ball in the corner and cry or something now. Or I’m just going to watch it all over again.

#watching the clone wars for the first time #carnage of krell #tcw 4.10 #star wars #the clone wars #reaction #umbara arc #dogma #clone trooper dogma #rex #captain rex #fives #arc trooper fives #kix #clone medic kix #waxer #clone trooper waxer #lieutenant waxer #tup #clone trooper tup

[anystalker707]

Pouring rain

Pairing: Gerard x [gender neutral] Reader Word count: ~ 1 700 Genre: Angst / Comfort Summary: Bitter sweet reencounters A/n: slowly going back to writing not proofread

MASTERLIST

          It was a gloomy Sunday. The whole week had been hot when the temperatures suddenly dropped again, and it was all humid. None of the layers of clothes I had put on were doing well enough in that cold wind of incessant rain. The most it would do was to reduce itself to a drizzle, some sort of mist that ended up soaking through your clothes if you stood out there for too long.

Working at that diner across the city wasn’t the best thing ever, but sometimes sacrifices were needed if you wanted to save up and have that little dream come true. I knew the day would be gloomy, but I also knew the Sunday tips tended to be the largest.

The way back home was a little depressing. I gave up on using the lame old umbrella I had brought with me in my backpack. I opted for just going with the hood of my jacket over my head to at least have the excuse I’m trying to keep dry despite my slow steps. Before I could really notice, I was taking the most extended way home. Maybe it was a great break from the same study-work-sleep routine that pursued me every day of the week, even more so with such weather.

Droplets hit my face, cold, accumulating on my lashes until I blinked them away. The cold air was sharp in my lungs, and even sharper around my torso. The shivers went from my thighs to my back to my scalp. Those shitty clothes. I could’ve at least picked it better. Perfect weather to sleep or at least stay at home, and everyone fucking knew that. A car or a person would pass by only occasionally, always rushed.

Green mountains that once completed the landscape of the city, towering in the distance over the smaller buildings or appreciated from the highest spots, were now reduced to nothing. The thick white curtain of clouds would only give the mountains a break when the wind picked up enough to disperse them, but still, it wouldn’t be for long. Everything seemed to be covered in a light sheet of clear white that would become more opaque whenever the drizzle evolved into proper rain.

Perhaps I chose the most extended way for a reason. I knew it when I saw him. I’d been avoiding him for long enough; it became pointless.

Isolating myself was good until it started becoming boring, and I craved some of that agitation my life had, even if that hurt me in the end. I wouldn’t go back to what things were before all the fall-outs, the mismatching schedules, and friends moving away for better college opportunities, but a taste of it wouldn’t hurt.

Despite the cold weather, he stood under that damn tree in the park, observing god knows what. The trail of smoke coming from his mouth showed the old habits were still there. His eyes followed me as I walked by, and I knew they still followed me when I turned back on my heels and walked to him, even if my own eyes were on the wet ground.

Those same worn-down sneakers, loose Adidas sweater pants, and some hoodie with the logo of a random band already faded. All in black, but in shades that didn’t match.

Gerard inhaled, about to say something that was suddenly substituted by a groan when I hit him with the plastic bag I carried—there was nothing much, just a few candies from the diner. Nothing that would hurt. Maybe I wish it would. Secretly.

“Ow! ‘The fuck’s wrong with you?” Gerard glared, eyes narrowed and eyebrows knitted together. Hazel eyes and pale skin that gave me that painful tug on the heart.

“‘The fuck’s wrong with you?” I copied his tone and hit him with the plastic bag again, snatching a chain of curses from him. “Dude, you’re so ridiculous! You fucking suck!” Those weren’t exactly the first words I wanted to tell him in months, but I didn’t know what else to say. The words just came out naturally, and knowing me well enough, he’d easily catch on to the hidden intentions.

Gerard sighed as he dropped the cigarette butt to the ground, and it soaked on the wet soil; he still stepped on it, out of habit. A groan came from him as he rubbed his face. “You’re always showing up to ruin days.”

We didn’t part on good terms, that’s true, but none of those would stop us.

“Shut up and be thankful.” I glared at him up and down.

Despite the lack of words, Gerard’s eyes scanned me from head to toe, taking in every detail and probably gathering the clues to build a small notion of what had happened all this time I was away.

“Thankful that—”

And he never finished whatever he was going to say. He pressed his lips together and looked away the moment I glared at him. Ghosting everyone when things started to go down wasn’t the best option, but it doesn’t matter now that I was there, right? Gerard probably knew it better than anyone else in the friend group did. He would also simply disappear whenever he wanted.

Sighing deeply, I crossed my arms over my chest, letting my lips curl up into a smirk that didn’t really hold any humor. “You’ve grown more handsome, or is it just an impression?”

Gerard narrowed his eyes, raising his eyebrows. “You’ve grown more annoying.”

“Oh, please,” I scoffed, “you just aren’t so used to it anymore.”

There was no response. Gerard rolled his eyes, leaning back against the tree. His eyes were on me but then looked at something beyond, and I heard the raindrops starting to fall again. Unlike earlier, they were thicker; they started sporadically until they were absolutely soaking the ground.

“No shit,” I sighed as I stood more under the tree, stepping closer to Gerard in the hope the tree would help us. It didn’t, really. Even if less, the rain still managed to get through the leaves. The way the rain was starting to make currents down the sides of the streets made me decide to grab my crappy umbrella.

“Fucking hell!” Gerard’s voice was muffled by the sound of the rain as he watched me struggle with the umbrella—it got a little stuck as I tried to open it, some ribs getting stuck and making its shape look even worse.

“Don’t like it?” I glared at Gerard. “Then fucking solve it yourself!”

Gerard took the umbrella and held my wrist with his free hand. His grip tightened before he started running down the street, pulling me along with him. The rain ended up soaking us more anyway, but Gerard didn’t stop, nor did he give me a chance to. Fucking Gerard. Fuck him. Maybe there was no other choice but damn it.

Gerard and I were absolutely soaking wet when we finally stopped, standing on the porch of his house with our backs against the wall. My fingers were already numb before, but now they were actually aching. We stepped in some puddles while running, so my shoes felt so gross.

Still, there was some comfort at the moment. The pain and discomfort were making me feel something.

The sounds of our heavy breathing were the only sound filling the air aside the pouring rain hitting the ground and the roof tiles.

“So?” Gerard whispered as he looked at me. He seemed even paler than usual; his cheeks and nose bright red. He probably was as cold as me.

“Hate you,” I said, my voice weak from the cold and running, and faint under the sound of the rain.

Gerard scoffed and laughed, looking away. “Keep lying to yourself.”

I shook my head, and finally broke out of that trance, looking around. The porch was still the same as it was all that time ago.

“Wanna come inside?” Gerard nodded to the front door.

“I just wanted to get in touch again, not to dive right back in,” I said with a chuckle.

“And you will disappear all over again.” A sigh escaped his lips, and he rolled his eyes. He ran a hand through his hair, pushing the wet strands back. “I know it can be kinda hypocritical, but I hate when you do it.”

I furrowed my eyebrows and eyed Gerard up and down. Little shit. Not that he’s wrong, no, but I always have the urge to disagree with him. Annoy him and win him with arguments.

Gerard snickered as he stepped closer. “You’re still so bitter. Maybe even more.”

“Ah, don’t act like you’re a saint,” I chuckled.

Gerard was so close, for some reason. Did I step closer as well?

Gerard’s lips were so warm against mine. It was a nice contrast in comparison to the cold rain. His hand even cupped the side of my neck a little, his thumb under my jaw to guide the direction of my head as he deepened the kiss. His hoodie was soaked, but I still held onto it gently, pulling him closer by the collar. That was a feeling long forgotten until now. All those kisses after sneaking away at parties or seeing each other after a text was sent during an extra lonely night.

The long kiss was cut off into gentle and repetitive pecks until Gerard’s lips were glued to mine again. Gerard mumbled something I couldn’t really understand, but it didn’t matter. He stepped closer and kissed me again, holding the kiss for a little longer.

My tongue ran along Gerard’s bottom lip, and his mouth immediately parted open. His mouth tasted fucking disgusting with that damn cigarette taste along with whatever he had drunk before. God, how I fucking hated Gerard. He deepened the kiss gently, his tongue pressing to mine.

Suddenly, the porch lights turned on. Donna always did that whenever it hit 5:30 pm. Either way, it put the ground under my feet. The rain sounded louder, and the cold was suddenly so much worse.

“See you, Gerard,” I whispered. I could stay there for longer, yes, but I didn’t want to face Donna again. She was too sweet. And what else would I do to Gerard? I would’ve probably slept over if I continued there, and the morning would have been filled with headaches and regrets. I’d go back home with his clothes and leave them in the bottom of the drawer after doing the laundry. Routines suck.

 ‿̩͙‿ ༺ ♰ ༻ ‿̩͙‿

#my chemical romance #gerard way #x reader #x male reader #x female reader #gender neutral #gerard way x reader #mcr x reader #oneshot #imagine #writing

[wallsshouldtalk]

STRANGER THINGS 4 VOL. 2 SPOILERS

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OKAY so i’ll start off by saying i cry at literally nothing ever and i dehydrated myself from crying harder than i’ve cried in 10 years at eddie’s death scene. i’m a tough cookie but not when it comes to silly, goofy, lovable, rock-star nerd eddie munson. am i going through genuine grief? yes! so is my denial misplaced? most likely!! but i have a theory anyway

SO!!!! we know the duffers are not above a fake death/ misleading death (see hopper), so maybe they’re trying that again with eddie. as far as we know, dustin didn’t bring back his body- meaning we don’t have proof that eddie fully died/ remained dead. now yes, he was pretty torn up and overall doing not his best, but was it so much damage that survival would be completely impossible? i feel like maybe not. pain and shock can do some pretty weird shit to the body and passing out is not a crazy reaction to have after being mauled by monster demon bats.

aside from the “medical” reasoning, eddie’s role (although new) is not really as a side character, and to get rid of someone with as much potential as our metal DM would have to have some stronger reasoning than a “redemption” arc with a pointless sacrifice. barb, bob, and alexei were insanely lovable characters and played their parts wonderfully, but mostly their roles were about how they affected other people. barb was there to lead nancy into this upside down business, bob was there to give advice and comfort to will and be that sacrifice of “bob newby the superhero”, and alexei needed to be there to help our adult crew. eddie’s story line was more independent and had a leg to stand on even if the rest of our hawkins crew wasn’t there. he wasn’t tagging along, he became a part of the main crew (minus jonathan, will, el, and mike). eddie dying serves no purpose, except to make dustin sad, and doesn’t really fit in with the previous thing of introducing a character only to kill them at the end. so, maybe, eddie wakes up in season 5, gravely injured and alone, and is trying to find a way out and back to the gang. maybe that serves the purpose of giving us eyes on the inside or maybe it’ll give eddie the chance he deserved to clear his name (SINCE NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE WILLING TO STEP UP AND SAY ANYTHING FOR THE PERSON WHO LITERALLY THREW HIMSELF INTO A HOARD OF DEMOBATS YO SAVE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT HATE HIM) or maybe it’s so he can walk the stage and get the diploma he rightfully deserves. at this point i don’t care what the reason is i’ll be honest. also the writing has been quite strategic in the past, so i feel like maybe they wouldn’t have eddie’s last lines be “this is my year” when it clearly is not. i guess we’ll see.

joseph quinn did also make that comment about wanting to do scenes with charlie in s5. now, granted, that may have been just to fuck with all of us, but i’ll take hope where i can get it.

my theory has no real evidence or proof of any kind to support it, but denial is the first stage of grief and this is how i’m choosing to view it until someone explicitly tells me no. even then, i’ll probably ignore them and keep living in blissful ignorance until 2024 when s5 comes out and throws my heart into a wood-chipper. the duffers aren’t perfect writers by any stretch, but i am choosing to have a little faith that their choices are more calculated than this. thanks for listening to my delusions

edit: joseph quinn just did an interview where he talked about how he would’ve liked to come back for another season, but that he was satisfied with the end of eddie’s character arc. sounds like this death was a real one folks (unless this is all some super extra silly prank)!!! i’m gonna leave this theory up here though in case some crazy, wacky miracle occurs and we are all allowed to have hope again.

link to article:

edit/ update pt.2: NEW interview (yes somehow already) reveals that joe really may not know how the future of eddie will play out. he says that he’s been talking with joe keery about ways eddie could make an appearance! so hope is not lost! hopefully the duffer brothers realize that they just made the literal largest mistake ever getting rid of quinn as an actor and eddie as a character and they’ll just do an uno reverse moment <3 essentially: FUCK THIS SHOW FOR PLAYING HOT POTATO WITH MY FEELINGS

link to pt2 article:

#stranger things #eddie munson #steddie #st4 vol2 #st4 predictions #joseph quinn #eddie munson st4 #st4 volume 2 #stranger things 4 #st theory #st eddie munson #eddie and dustin #dustin henderson #gaten matazarro

[augment-techs]

Character asks: Kimberly hart

favorite thing about them Well, in the comics, because I will always prefer those over everything else, she came in as the outsider that had to work her way into the group after a very poor start with her first being introduced as the girl who inadvertently got Zack fired before she ever even met Matt or the others. As she's one of three Rangers that came in from out of town and didn't grow up together before the Omega arc, and is one of the only three torch carriers, this just makes her character exceptionally more fascinating than in the OG series where they all grew up together EXCEPT for Tommy. She feels multi-faceted and it pleases me. least favorite thing about them It's...not so much her as how her more enduring fanbase from the OG series that latched onto her character now seem determined to condescend to her having to go through growing pains as a person. She makes mistakes in the comics, she's not perfect, she messes with people without meaning to, she can be a little selfish and has her moments of being pointless. This makes her no less as a character, but you wouldn't know it from reading up on her through other people. favorite line "You just made the biggest mistake of your short little life!" brOTP GGPR; her and Trini. They are powerful and coming into their own and adorable. MMPR; her and Billy--not just in OG but in the comics especially because they have become a very good unit in the face of the Omegas being off planet and Tommy stepping into being a leader. Also they're soft. Though I do like her in all interactions with Aisha. World of the Coinless has me curiously contemplating her becoming friends with Skull in a higher functioning capacity. OTP Current Prime Universe Comics; Tomberly, because, fine, they're cute. In the Coinless Universe; Kim/Bulk--and FUCK ANYONE who says it doesn't work. Post teen years... I don't care enough to think about it. Jason seems nice? nOTP Matt just isn't good for her anymore. Billy is GAY. Skull...I love him, some people ship them, but it just makes me so uncomfortable after GGPR 15. random headcanon In light of AJJ being a wonderful actress in Flashpoint, I can easily see Kim working in specialized forces after her gymnast days are over. unpopular opinion She turned into a total and complete lone wolf after her Rangers days and basically turned into pre-Green With Evil Tommy, because depression takes many forms. song i associate with them

favorite picture of them

#ask fill #prompt fill #kimberly hart #boom! comics power rangers #mmpr #ggpr #mighty morphin comics #go go power rangers comic #playlist

[crisishauntline]

It is fucking heartbreaking to sit next to the person you love as they wordlessly unravel. It happened again today, like it’s played out many times before: her hand limp in mine, shoulders shaking, breath catching on choked sobs, not saying a single word. And I just sit there feeling like an asshole, all my questions, pleas, and offers of support hanging uselessly in the air.

I hated getting out of the car with her still in that state today, hated how the door slammed while she was mid-sob. But I needed tonight to myself. I had actually intended to write a song for her for her birthday, but haven't had time to work on it due to the amount of time we spend together, and the proportion of that time we spend fighting or afraid of fighting. Anyway, she told me she would be ok for the night, then called me an hour later to ask me to come over. I went against the boundary I’d set, as I’ve unhelpfully taught myself to do, and went. Oh, and did I mention she lives two blocks from me now?

Today’s unraveling started during our couples therapy session. Lately she has been feeling very nauseous, achy, fatigued, and emotionally overwhelmed by all the chronic bad feelings. She’s also acknowledged sadness and fear about the relationship in light of her chronic health issues, but hasn’t wanted to share much with me. Both of us seem to feel misunderstood or unheard, no matter how hard we’re trying to explain and listen. We really are trying. What’s hardest for me to navigate—and to express kindly—is that she always occupies the role of the victim in any conflict we have. When I feel disappointed by something she’s done (or more often than not, won’t or can’t do), the cause is usually her pain, illness, or fatigue, which means it would be unfair of me to blame or be upset with her. Even if I do have cause to be frustrated (like with her drinking), I know she won’t have the emotional and/or physical capacity to adequately address the matter in those moments. So over and over again, I have to just let things go without being too disappointed, always being patient and calm and understanding and humble, and if I do bring it up, process it as quickly and apologetically as possible or she will think I hate her and want to leave.

Conversely, when something I do causes her pain or anxiety, she rarely has the reserves of energy, mood, self-esteem, etc. to either let it go or process it with me quickly. Instead, even small stumbles can send her over the edge of despair and require hours of talking, weeping, cuddling, and massage to work through. This time the hurt was that she had to wait for me in the driveway for 20 minutes, after a long day and when she was in pain, because I didn’t see her text saying she’d arrived, or notice how much time had passed since she told me she was coming. I should have responded better, with an apology and promise to do better, rather than immediately following my “sorry” with saying she should have just called me. But I also remember after some previous time blindness incidents that I’d asked her to call me in situations like this, though she swears that conversation never happened. But let’s say she’s right, and I was fully in the wrong—is this really an offense that warranted hours of tearful discussion and confused silence to work through?

I am tired of holding so much of her pain while feeling so clueless, constantly guilty, and alone in the relationship. I am also more disappointed than I want to be that she can’t give me the kind of comforting touch that I give her. I fucking love receiving massages, being held, getting fucked to completion. I love giving her those things, but every time I do I can’t help yearning for her to give them in kind. Most of the time, she just can’t, so bringing it up would be cruel and pointless.

She has been expressing more gratitude for the intimacy and acts of service I bring to the relationship since the big turnaround, which means a lot to me. But the fact is that being close to her is no longer for closeness’s own sake. It is more about giving her love, safety, and comfort than sharing them. She says there’s nowhere she feels safer than in my arms. I so wish I felt the same about her. I did, at least for a little while, right when we got back together. When I was worried I’d need too much caretaking from her, that I couldn’t ask her to carry the despair I was feeling in addition to her own struggles. I think I was right.

#personal #love life #Spotify

[ofmonstrstbd]

Is it even safe for you to be Ashelia's friend? You've had rages where you've hurt and killed people, Jet, and you weren't even apologetic. What if you hurt or kill her? She's been through enough, she doesn't need a monster making things worse.

@tarnishedxknight

Jet was silent for a few, long moments. Their expression hard. Their gaze cold. As much as they didn't want to admit it - as much as they told themselves it was pointless letting it get to them - it... still hurt, being called a monster. They knew they were one - it wasn't like they were in denial about it or tried to trick themselves into believing otherwise - but it... wasn't their fault. They didn't ask for this. They didn't--

"I... I wouldn't hurt her," they said finally - their voice quiet. "Those... Those had been isolated incidents. I didn't mean to hurt anyone the first time, but... I did, I know I did, and... I'm not... I'm not sorry it happened. They were hurting me. I just wanted to be alone, and they kept-- Do you know how painful it is to get twelve amps to the side? I just lost my brother, and they wouldn't--"

They inhaled sharply, and turned their head away. Their jaw clenched tight. "I killed because they were going to kill me. Of course I'm not going to fucking apologize. They deserved it. They made me this way. I am what they created. They wanted me to be a weapon, so they got one. If they didn't want a monster, then maybe they shouldn't have been playing god."

But... that still didn't answer the question about Ashelia, and Jet seemed to deflate as they dropped their gaze. Their throat tightening as they picked at the zipper on their jacket. "But I... I do mean it. I wouldn't hurt Ashelia. She's my... She's my friend. I wouldn't do that to her. I... I don't know exactly what she's been through, but I do know it's been a lot, and I just... I want to help her if I can. But I'm not gonna hurt her. I know I can get-- I know my temper can be bad but I... I'm not completely uncontrollable."

#tarnishedxknight #((Jet is still decently aware of their surroundings/what they're doing when they go into a rage/panic #they can be volatile because. y'know. a lot of their dna is incredibly primal and it doesn't get cancelled out with their human dna #so if someone they like/trust is around them when they go off the handle like that they wouldn't hurt them #like the two incidents involved people who were hurting them/threatening to hurt them #and while it doesn't excuse their actions it is a reason for it #also bonus Jet not. fully taking responsibility for their actions sdfkhgjdsf)) #anonymous #death tw #ic asks

[kwonjaes]

"hey.."

blue makes his presence known with a calm tone and jungjae must know it's him because he doesn't even budge to turn around and look. either that or he's given up caring who enters his bedroom. his back is turned to them as he's laid in bed, blankets only coming up to cover the middle of his waist as he lays unmoving against the mattress.

he looks so small.

"i thought i'd come by since i haven't heard from you in a while. you're not usually so quiet." blue tries for a more lighthearted approach, but still, nothing.

they take a look around the room, dark and as unwelcoming as the boy that's been residing within it. the only light coming through is from the bathroom not too far from his bed, the door left open and light on as if he'd been making frequent trips in there. though judging by the state of jungjae's hair and the sinking of the mattress, blue's not so sure.

it was weird to see him like this — so weird. the man who was usually so well-kept and groomed and never looked less than perfect, even when not trying, now looked like complete and total, well, shit.

"dahye wanted to come too but i wasn't sure if you wanted all that company, so.. it's just me."

a small fib. dahye didn't even know they were there right now. but blue thought it would be nice for him to hear that his presence was wanted by someone else too.

still, nothing. the air between them was beginning to feel a little awkward. exactly what blue was trying to avoid by filling the silence with random anythings. they took the silence as an opportunity to sit at the edge of jungjae's bed, making their way across a floor that was peppered with empty bottles of both alcohol and various medications. it's no wonder the man's manager was so worried about him — the sight of his floor alone was enough to send someone's thoughts spiraling into concern. blue assumed it was bad, it had to be considering everything.. but they didn't know it was this bad.

the closer they got to the other, the smaller they looked. a new defined frame greeted him and jungjae's once rounded cheeks were nowhere to be seen. it was clear he was eating just as much as he was getting out. a mental note is made to ask cari about it before they slip out.

they take a spot on the bed and the quiet that continues to blanket around them is almost deafening, so blue merely continues to observe the state of the other’s room. even this was so foreign to him. 

"how is she?"

a frail voice finally speaks out and it's abruptness surprises blue, but they’re so relieved to hear it. no matter how broken it comes out. it's clear who he's asking about, and for a second, blues not sure at all what to say. they've got half a mind to lie, say she's doing okay and getting better as the days go by for the sake of jungjae's possible worries. however, it seems pointless. blue is reminded of the pain they’ve witnessed their best friend go through as well as the pain she's been doing her best to shield from the world, including them, and it only elicits a flicker of anger directed at the person who poses such a bold question.

"not good, man. she's... she's hurting, you know? you really fucking hurt her."

there's no response that follows from jungjae's lips, but blue doesn't miss the way his eyebrows flinch.

"why did you do that?" they ask, pressing further. "seriously, what happened? i mean, like, why did you do that shit? it doesn't make any sense, you were so... i thought the two of you really loved each other. i thought you really loved her."

this must have really gotten jungjae's attention, because suddenly he's turning around and finally looking at blue for the first time since they'd arrived.

"i did." though he quickly corrects himself, "i do. of course i love her. that's why i did it."

evident confusion only seeps deeper across blue's expression. "that's why you did it?" they repeat. "how the hell does that make any sense?"

"because.. i'm just... it's obvious i was just fucking everything up and it was only a matter of time before it all started fucking her up too."

"okay? you think this didn't fuck her up? dude, she was so crazy about you. how can you just throw all of that away for someone you hardly know? someone who doesn't give half the fuck about you that sooyeon did?"

now it was jungjae's turn to be taken aback.

"what?" he asks, brows thick and unkept furrowing above bloodshot eyes.

"you know what i'm talking about. mackenzie? how could you do that?"

jungjae's jaw clenches as he shakes his head. "no, that.. that wasn't what it looked like."

"uh, are you sure? because it looked like you just couldn't wait to get rid of sooyeon so you could sleep with her."

"what? no, i — blue, no, that's not what happened. that's not — does sooyeon think that?"

"what else would she think? what else would anyone think?"

"i didn't — mackenzie had nothing to do with this."

blue scoffs. "oh my god, are you seriously trying to save her ass right now?"

"no that's not.. that's not what i meant.." jungjae squeezes his eyes shut as he attempts to sit up, the minimal movement sending throbs of pain through his head. "i mean that's not why i broke up with her. i wasn't thinking about mackenzie? she just.. that was just something that happened."

"you're so full of shit—"

"i'm not lying."

"why did you do it then? why did you break up with sooyeon and then fucking go off with that girl only two weeks later? obviously you weren't that broken up by it."

"are you kidding? that's exactly why i did it. i know it sounds fucking stupid, i know it does and it is stupid, but it's the truth. that was just.. i felt fucking awful after sooyeon left. i didn't want her to go? do you know how hard it was to tell her to go?? i thought it would be better for her in the end if she left because of all of this shit i couldn't get away from.. and then she was gone and then i felt fucking miserable. all of that shit with mackenzie that was just me trying to distract myself. i was trying to forget about her for just one night and i just.. mackenzie was right there. i felt like i was going crazy and mackenzie was right there so.. —— but i didn't even do anything with her, i couldn't."

"you didn't do anything with her?"

"no — i mean.. we kissed but that was it. i swear."

"there was photos of you guys leaving together—"

"i know. i invited her over and.. and i was going to hook up with her but i couldn't. i didn't want to, i was just trying to convince myself i did. like i know it looks bad and i've been trying to explain it to sooyeon that nothing happened between me and her while we were still together. i didn't cheat on her.. i never even though about—"

"sooyeon doesn't think you cheated on her."

"she doesn't?" jungjae asks, features softening for a moment.

"no. just that you broke up with her so you could fuck her."

"oh my god no.. no that's not.. fuck, of course i didn't do that."

the other's voice suddenly goes hoarse again and his face disappears into the palm of his hand. blue stills as they merely watch, unsure if jungjae is crying or just rubbing at already irritated eyes.

after a good minute, they speak up again. "you really expect me to believe you invited her over to your house and then just.. did nothing. you just like, what.. hung out?"

"not even," the older boy answers, looking up again. "we kissed, yeah, but as soon as i realized i couldn't do it, she left. i swear. i felt so fucking sick the whole time but i was just.. so high and out of it i thought i could do it and that it would make me not try and go back to sooyeon but still.. even when i had someone else here all i could think about was her."

again, blue only stares. for some reason, they believe him. the way jungjae looked at them with so much desperation in his eyes to be believed, it was hard not to. sure, the story sounded a little all over the place, but nonetheless, they believed him.

"okay well, that’s good and all but you have to tell sooyeon that," they finally say.

jungjae lets out a hopeless sigh before falling back onto the mattress, his back once again turning to face blue. "i've been trying. she doesn't want to talk to me. i don't blame her.. — will you just.. tell her i didn't do any of what she thinks i did?"

"no," blue answers. then, they rise from the edge of the bed. "i'll let you be the one to tell her. she deserves to hear it from you, not someone else."

"but she won't—"

"so you try again. let her come to you when she's ready, then you tell her."

the room falls silent again and jungjae doesn't budge to look at blue again after that.

the younger wonders for a moment how much this could change. surely sooyeon would be relieved to find out they didn’t actually sleep together, but could she forgive him despite everything else? they want so badly to run and tell her everything. from the way mackenzie was rejected to the misleading tweet she posted to jungjae’s current state. they wanted to reveal it all, but they’ll keep their promise to jungjae. 

"anyway, um, i guess i’ll go then. it was good to see you.” blue says, chewing at the inside of their bottom lip. “make sure you take care of yourself. seriously, eat something." they turn on their heel before heading towards the door, pausing once they reach it and giving one last look to the disheveled figure beneath the covers as well as the rest of the room. "don’t give up yet, alright? it may not seem like it right now but..” 

they hesitate. 

“i know she doesn’t want you to give up.”

#save: writing.

[silversatoru]

hi!! i just started followed you and i love your works :)) could i request a smutty fushiguro megumi drabble/fic where he realizes he has a daddy kink?

daddy?

a/n: hi you are so sweet thank you!!! n the idea of megumi realizing he has a daddy kink is so fucking cute lmao i have been losing my mind over this idea,,,

fushiguro megumi x f!reader

synopsis: you call a classmate daddy in order to smuggle some homework answers and accidentally awaken a full blown daddy kink in your usually shy boyfriend

tags/warnings: daddy kink (obviously), mild manhandling, fingering

w/c: 1.6k

you really thought people would be more mature when you got to college,, or at least you hoped they would be. unfortunately, you’ve never been more wrong.

you had the most annoying busy-work assignment due tomorrow — and of course it wasn’t hard, but it was just so damn time consuming and you didn’t feel like doing it. but this is where the class group chat you were in comes in handy; you planned to ask if anyone had the answers but someone else had already beat you to it.

and then some cocky asshole who did the homework agreed to send the answers under one condition: he wanted someone to call him daddy. it was so stupid and horribly immature but this wasn’t any cocky asshole; it was a smart cocky asshole, and his answers were definitely reliable.

now, you weren’t a desperate woman, but this homework was a real pain in the ass and daddy was nothing but a word — so why not?

pls send the answers daddy, your thumbs danced across your phone and hit send before you could even think twice. a few moments later a picture of all the assignment answers came through the chat — success.

and now you could go enjoy a night out with your friends instead of wasting your time on that pointless shit. your boyfriend megumi had been waiting outside for you in his car, ready to pick you up and go to a house party a few streets up. neither of you were big party people but when your best friends nobara and yuuji were the ones throwing the party, you were obligated to attended.

megumi seemed a little off when you first hopped in the passengers seat, his facial features even more stoic than they usually were. you tried starting conversation a few times, but it was to no avail. something was clearly bothering him but he was refusing to talk about it — and then it finally clicked in your head:

“oh my god! this is about the daddy thing isn’t it?” you couldn’t stop yourself from laughing when you realized megumi was in that group chat too.

his eyes rolling in annoyance and his continued silence was all you needed to confirm your theory.

“come on, gumi, i was just getting the assignment answers so we could have fun tonight,” you pouted.

“yeah i know, i just don’t really like you saying that kind of stuff to other people,” he finally spoke up, his eyebrows scrunched together in distaste.

“fine, you’re right, i shouldn’t have done it. but it’s not like you have a fucking daddy kink or anything, so relax a little,” you let out a sigh and leaned back into the seat.

and he silently agreed with you — there was no way that he had a daddy kink, right?

the rest of the car ride was mildly awkward but some of the tension between the two of you had finally settled. you wrapped your hand in his as the two of you entered the house, greeting a couple friends on the way in.

after grabbing some drinks and hanging around the entrance for a few minutes you released megumi’s hand from your own.

“i’m gonna go find nobara quick, okay? try to relax and enjoy yourself a little bit,” you flashed him a smile and then stood up on your toes so you could whisper the next part into his ear, “see you in a few, daddy”.

you figured that if the word bothered him so much when you said it to other people, you’d like see how he’d react when you said it to him. and it took everything in you not to burst into a fit of laughter when you saw the stunned look across his face.

you were laughing, but megumi found your comment to be anything but funny. his heart rate quickened and suddenly his jeans felt tight and — oh fuck, maybe he did have a daddy kink.

he grabbed your wrist and yanked you down the hall, pulling you into a guest bedroom and locking the door behind him. you couldn’t contain yourself when you started to connect the dots — his shocked expression and the obvious boner in his pants made it very clear.

“holy shit, gumi, you do have a daddy kink don’t you?” you giggled, reaching up to wrap your hands around his neck.

he gave you an annoyed and embarrassed look, as if he was ashamed of it or something. but you couldn’t let him feel like that, not when the idea excited you just as much as it excited him.

“you want me to call you daddy? hm? moan it into your ears and beg for you? we could try it right now; that is why you drug me into this room, right?” you caressed the side of his flushed face, his eyes getting darker the more you spoke.

he gave you a quick nod and then the two of you collided together, messy kisses being scattered from your lips to your collarbone and everywhere in between. megumi was slow to start but once you had him going there was no holding him back. he broke off the kiss after a few heated minutes and before you could even catch your breath he gave you a rough shove that sent you falling to the bed.

he stared down at you with a brand new fire in his eyes, and it was fucking hot. if you knew calling someone random guy daddy would have awakened this in him, you would have done it forever ago.

in a matter of minutes his skin was hot against yours, your clothes nothing but a heap on the floor. his kisses were sloppy and rough, his head clouded with lust as he relished in his newfound turn-on. he wanted to have complete control over you, he wanted you to beg him for everything, and he wanted to hear you whimper the word daddy over and over.

he snaked two of his long fingers down to your clit and rubbed a few rough circles that made your legs twitch in anticipation. they then lowered to your entrance, his eyes widening when he felt the amount of slick that had already accumulated. you felt a warm redness flush across your face in slight embarrassment — it was kind of pathetic how quickly his shift in attitude went straight to between your legs.

knowing that you liked his newfound dominance sent a whole new wave of confidence coursing through megumi. his usually gentle fingers slid through your entrance with an entirely new force, causing your core to clench and your breath to catch in your throat. a disgusting array of squelches and moans quickly filled the air, your hands desperately grasping onto megumi’s body. he was delving his fingers deep into your caverns at a completely merciless pace and it was earning him the prettiest moans from your mouth.

“feels so good, gumi,” you mumbled as he had you squirming and whining underneath him.

“no- no i want you to say the other thing,” he pressed his forehead to yours and let his eyes rest shut as he savored every last one of your beautiful sounds.

you’d gotten so caught up in the pure bliss that was megumi’s touch that you’d completely forgotten about how this all started — the daddy kink. but now that he reminded you, you were gonna lean into it hard. you wanted to put on only the best performance for your wonderful boyfriend.

“your fingers feel so good, daddy, but your cock would feel better,” you cooed in his ear, sending electricity down his spine and straight to his dick.

“is that what you want?” he leaned back and opened his eyes to look at you, sliding his sticky fingers out of your soaking cunt.

“yes, daddy, please,” you begged for him, “i want you to fuck me”.

you could have swore you saw his dick twitch and his eyes get wide at your words, but you hardly had time to think about it before his two slimy fingers were shoved into your mouth. you shameless sucked them clean, running your tongue around and between them while megumi used his other hand to position himself at your entrance.

you flinched at the slight pain when he sheathed himself inside you — your body taking it’s time to adjust to the size. sure his fingers felt good, but you felt so much fucking fuller with his cock stretching your walls. the way he thrusted stuffed you so perfectly that you could barely even form words, your eyes rolling back into your head.

the two of you had sex on many occasions, but there was fresh intensity and passion flowing between you this time. your fingernails were digging claw marks into his arms and you could barely contain the array of moans leaking from your lips. between your noises and the creaking off the bed you were grateful for the loud music blaring through the house.

megumi even manhandled you a bit more than usual — tossing you around and pushing you into the positions he wanted you in. if he managed to work up the confidence he’d order you around too, and you’d just respond with whines and the occasional “yes, daddy”. the phrase was simple but every time those words left your pretty mouth tiny fireworks went off in his head.

when he murmured the words come for me, you were hopeless — a pitiful, whimpering mess who couldn’t do anything but mumble incoherent phrases all stemming from the word daddy.

it was the best fucking orgasm of your life — and it was all because you’d been too lazy to do your homework earlier.

#jujutsu kaisen smut #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk smut #jjk x reader #fushiguro megumi #fushiguro megumi x you #fushiguro x reader #fushiguro megumi x reader #fushiguro x you #fushiguro megumi smut #fushiguro smut #megumi smut #megumi fushiguro smut #megumi x reader #smut #daddy

[cvtqr]

brought to freedom

pairings: eren jaeger x reader

content warning: hate-fucking, spit, choking, mirrors, fingering, orgasm-denial, unprotected sex, cream pie, degradation, rough, slight violence at the end?

the dim glisten of moonlight was the only source of brightness shed in that airship. the only person running through your mind was eren, and not in a good way. both you and he knew who caused that death on the ship, he just didn't want to admit it.

you cried, begged. you didn't even know what it is you wanted. revenge? for the perfect words to roll off his tongue? crying was pointless, it wouldn't change anything. it wouldn't change eren.

two days later, the look on his face remained the same... not moving a muscle. sure he looked different than the other night, but he was still the same. not the same as before he left, though. you thought you knew him before his trip to marley, you really thought you did. but that eren was gone, he wasn't coming back. not now, not ever. you had to learn to deal with the new eren. or you couldn't... you lived without him for all that time, you could do it again. even if you were to run back to him, you wouldn't be getting your eren back.

but eren jaeger was like a drug.

of course you could compare his face from the two different nights, you were standing right in front of him after all. you weren't supposed to be down here looking through his cell, they didn't trust you. being eren’s lover meant you would probably do anything to help him escape. they were really blind if they couldn't piece together the fact you wanted nothing to do with him after that night on the ship.

so why were you here, sneaking around for him? its almost like he called you through your head to come down here. you were always slick to begin with.

but it seemed like the man in front of you completed the mutual feeling. you didn't understand why though. you did nothing wrong, he has no right to be mad at you. no, he doesn't deserve to be mad. you wished you could kick the life out of him, but somehow it felt like he was the one stabbing a dagger into your chest.

“why are you down here, y/n”

you didn't know if you should react or stay quiet. “why not, i have nothing else to do... considering my best friend is now a rotting body underground.”

you expected him to release the same reaction as the other night, just a chuckle. but no. his expression didn't change once. a straight look, staring a hole right through you. he took a step forward, hands now wrapping around the metal bars of his cell. “i asked you why you're here, you must want something from me.”

“what happened to the eren i knew before you left. why are you acting like-, like this.” you felt the blood rush up through your body, hands clenching into tight fists.

“c’mere, wanna get a better look of your face.”

“what-”

“don't make me say it again.” you wanted to stay back, leaned up against the hard brick wall. but you were always so drawn to his words, it was like a spell just sucking you in. walking up towards the rusted bars, you stopped right in front of his face. his body towered over yours, looking down among you.

"i never loved you, so let our past go.”

“ere-” your protest was cut off by erens strong, rough hands grabbing you. one on your jaw, the other on your wrist. he pulled you up right against the cold bars, your face now roughy forced inches away from his.

“all you do is follow me around like a lost puppy, you were always so dependent on me.” forcing your mouth open with his thumb, he gathered a glob of saliva in his mouth, before spitting it down your throat.

this was the first time you've tasted any of him in months. it felt so nice, warm. you wanted to swallow it, so badly. but you were strong, especially after what he's pulling. not letting the saliva in your mouth for another second, you spit it out all over eren’s pants. again, you expected a reaction out of him... but no. nothing.

he let you out of his grip, sending you stumbling backwards. you turned your back to eren, as you coughed up any spit that traveled down your throat. returning your graze with eren’s, your eyes were no longer separated by metal bars. the door was swung wide open, key dangling from eren’s finger.

you froze in your tracks, too scared to do anything. you wanted to scream out for help, but nothing formed when your lips slightly parted. not giving you another second to think, eren pounced onto you, pushing your body back into the brick wall. he brought one hand to roughly cover your mouth, the other to squeeze your throat just enough to make you light headed.

“scream, and ill snap this little throat of yours.”

feeling your heart beat faster than you thought was possible, you knew this was it. he was going to end you off now, or you'd die from being in his way.

but eren had a different plan for you.

he couldn't help but get excited, looking at you. your eyes were so glassy, tears falling down as you fearfully looked up into his eyes. something to do with the sense of power he had over you, just riled him up even more.

loosening the grip around your neck, he slowly removed his hand from your mouth. letting your breath loosen up, you didn't break the eye contact being held with his empty eyes.

right when he shoved his knee between your legs, you knew what was about to happen. no words spoken, no words needed. he crashed his lips down onto yours, forcefully shoving his tongue down your throat. peeling the both of you off the wall, he pushed your bodies back into the cell.

the sex you had with eren before he left was sweet, special. he took care of you... not himself. he wanted to prove how much he loved you. but you could tell by the way his body moved, that wasn't the case this time. he didn't even feel the need to bring you into his bed, he brought you over to the small sink in his room. bending you over the wet metal, he stopped for a moment to catch his breath.

you dropped your head down, avoiding the mirror, as he looked right at himself through it. taking a deep breath, he pulled down the night-pants you were wearing, along with the panties you had on. he brought one of his digits to glide along your slick folds, teasing the entrance with his fingertip. slowly, he slid it inside of you, your juices helping it easily move in and out. you gripped onto the sides of the sink, as he added another finger. moving them in and out at a fast pace, he occasionally curled them up inside you. the feeling you could never reach by yourself, you haven't felt this good in so long. he took his free hand to sneak it down in front of you, slowly rubbing circles around your clit.

the pleasure was overwhelming. while he was gone, there wasn't much you could do on your own. of course, while thinking of him on lonely nights, you hands found their way in between your legs, but nothing could compare to the way eren made you feel.

“gonna cum-”

before you could even form the full sentence, the pleasure was ripped right away from you. his fingers pulled out of you and were brought to his own pants. he unzipped them and pulled down his boxers just enough to let his cock spring free and slap up against his abs.

taking the pre-cum seeping from his tip, he lathered it up and down his cock, dragging against each vein that ran through the shaft. he took your left arm and bend it behind you, pinning it against your back. with his other hand, he forcefully gripped your jaw, brining your graze up to the mirror. looking down at you through the reflection, he slowly slid himself into your cunt. eren was thick, with girth. no matter how many times you fucked, you still needed time to adjust. but this time it wasn't about you. he wanted to ram himself in and out of you imminently, and that's what he was going to do.

pulling himself almost all the way back out, he roughly jammed himself right back in. giving you no mercy, he picked up the pace of his thrusts, all while looking at your pleasureful pained-looked face.

each thrust had you clenching down harder and harder, squeezing and sucking him back in.

eren’s hand slightly shifted upwards from your jaw, pushing open your lips with a swift motion. taking two fingers, he shoved them into your mouth, sliding down your tongue.

“you're such a dirty slut, fucking disgusting.”

he was right. you were disgusting. looking up into the mirror, your eyes were teary, fingers knuckles deep down your throat, hair a mess. and the worst part? it was all caused by eren jaeger.

the motion of his hips slamming into yours got sloppy and faster as he let out a deep groan, straight into your ear. he latched his lips onto your neck, sucking as deep as he could. you tried letting out a moan, but just choked on the fingers still set in your mouth.

to no surprise, eren didn't last longer than a virgin. i mean you couldn't blame him though, how long has it really been? hips coming to a halt, he released his cum straight up into you. the thought of pulling out didn't even cross him mind, it just felt so good.

he let himself sit inside you for a few seconds before pulling out. he watched as his cum poured out of your swollen hole, dripping down onto the floor. of course he didn't care enough to make you cum, he needed his fill of pussy, that was all.

letting yourself fall forward onto the counter, your vision went black as you felt a strong impact on your head.

eren knew you'd thank him later, he was brining you with him to freedom after all.

#aot #aot smut #aot x reader #attack on titan #attack on titan smut #attack on titan x reader #eren jaeger #eren smut #eren x reader #eren jaeger x reader #eren jaeger smut #eren yaegar #eren yaeger smut #anime smut #smut

[starshipsofstarlord]

Legs

Pairing | Brie Larson x reader

Summary | your housemate Brie wants to be left alone so that she can focus on doing yoga, however, you want her to pay attention to you.

Warnings | includes smut, tribbing, sexual tension, mouth spitting, swearing

Requested ✖️

Quick link to my masterlist, if you’re interested in reading more of my crap 😬

Situating her leg into a stretched position, Brie strained her muscles upon the yoga mat, positioning her arms in front of her, as her air pods played her playlist for these particular workouts.

Though, with her music blaring directly into her ear canal, she could not hear your footsteps streak through the hallway, as you carried the bag of groceries.

As you peeked into the living room, you licked your lips at the sight of your roommate, there was sweat straining in the dips of her muscles, and she absentmindedly licked some that was resting on the top of her lip.

Brie looked good, it had always been clear that she was fuelled by her work and career to stay in shape, but damn.

Tilting your head, your heart almost jumped out of your chest as her face turned towards you, surprised by her blatant expression that had seemingly sensed your presence all along.

Shaking your head, you left the room, going to put away the groceries, and take a cold drink of water, to cool yourself off, despite the lack of exercise that you had committed to.

As you were gulping and quenching your thirst that the sight of your roommate had brought on, you heard the kitchen door open, and in policy, you turned, watching as Brie damped her towel, and patted her forehead with it. It was as though she has forgotten that there was a bathroom just the room beside.

“It’s rude to stare y/n.” She cocked her brow at you, watching as you tensed up at her words. “If you wanted me to teach you yoga, you could have just asked.”

A smirk riddled its way onto her face, causing your breath to hitch, knowing that she was teasing you, and was getting a hell of a kick out of it.

“Yeah, that’s what I wanted.” You bit your lip, feeling your veins flush with surpassed embarrassment. “I have groceries to put away though, so maybe another time.”

“Or you could join me afterwards, and I can show you the way to bend your body into the correct positions. But if not, then I suggest you don’t disturb me again, otherwise it won’t be worthwhile.”

She reached into the paper bag, pulling out an apple, biting in it, before walking away with it in her hand, leaving you once more to your lonesome.

Altogether, her exit was a relief and a displeasure. You pondered on her previous words as you grabbed each individual item, putting it where it belonged, before you concluded yourself to a great decision.

You would accompany her in the ways of bodily art, and learn how to cope with seeing so much of her skin and restraining from doing anything rash.

You hung your coat up by the front door, before going to your room to change into more flexible attire. Brie did not seem surprised in the slightest to see that you had indeed taken her up on the offer, and chosen to join her.

“What do I do?” You asked her, paying much attention to the way she splayed her strong legs far behind herself, managing to balance her weight with their self forced partition.

In attempt, you tried to shadow her movements, copying them with your own limbs, you could only imagine how awkward you looked whilst doing so.

There was no coordination within your movements, which caused Brie to incessantly roll her eyes at you.

That made you more aware of what you were doing, and thus, you tried to change the direction of your knees, causing the blonde to audibly sigh.

“Let me help you, then we might actually get somewhere.” The actress insisted, collapsing her form so that she could sit beside you, as she grasped at your hips, roughly moving them to tilt upwards.

The action on her part caused a moan of emotional surrender to pivot out your lips, and once you realised what you had just done, your eyes went wide.

However, Brie remained the same, still touching you as she stroked her marvellous hands across your waist, that was slumping under her physical pressure.

“You have great structure, if you had been silent for the last few months, maybe I’d have noticed. Perfect for doing more than yoga.”

“Are you hitting on me?” The question came out as a sonorous gasp, Brie’s hands raking down to drag over your ass, causing you to lose your balance, and flop against the floor.

If the situation was any different, you were sure that you’d feel embarrassed though right now, you were more focused on how tentative she was treating your body.

It was no secret, that when you had first decided to room within the same residence, the two of you happened to clash. At first, you had thought it to be your personalities repelling each other’s, yet after time, it became clear that the two of you easily managed to frustrate the other.

And soon it became clear that such annoyance has turned into a sexual categorisation of stress, it flowering like a budding rose, naturally consuming itself in the air with its scent, although, the affects pricked like the rope of thorns, leaving you with a false facade of resentment towards the beauty of your two’s relationship.

“Always so naive, and I think instead of bracing me with various, pointless and dumb questions, you should do as I say, and keep quiet, unless you are moaning for me. Am I understood y/n?”

Biting back a whimper, you nodded, bracing yourself on your forearms as you rolled over to be on your back, closely watching her and whatever she had in mind.

“Take that sports bra off, it’s doing nothing for your figure.” Her tone was more of a snap, her penetrating eyes scouring into you as you did as she asked, lifting the article of clothing over your head, and tossing it onto her yoga mat.

Next your leggings were told to be dismissed of, causing you to become very aware of how you ahead decided to forgo panties, having priorly thought of how you it had entered your mind that it would be easier to move into tight and confusing positions if you were bare underneath.

And in some way you had been right, considering that you were being told to strip anyways. It seemed that Brie seemed rather impressed to see your cunt uncovered.

She licked her lips, and for a moment, you thought that she was going to move forwards, and eat you. But you found yourself to be rather wrong, when she pushed you down, and straddled you.

Her head moved down, suffocating your mouth with her own. Using her tongue, she pried past your lips, enforcing you to moan within her mouth, frowning as she leant back, only to grasp the sides of your mouth, and drop a bead of spit into it.

Without any hesitation, you swallowed, hardly keeping your mouth closed as she trailed her fingertips down, only to rub circles upon your clit, making your body writhe from the stimulated sensation. “Brie- fuck.”

“Want me to show you my favourite position?” She asked endearingly, and for just a second, you were confused, thinking that the two of you had moved past the concept of yoga.

And then you realised, when she unclothed herself, leaving you in a state of admirable awe, what the position was. Brie pushed your legs to acquire her body between, turning it to the side, as she raised her cunt directly over yours.

Slowly she lowered herself, situating her pussy against yours, both of your clits evoking a wave of sincere pleasure out of you. Her leg went over the top of your thigh, planting it on the ground beside, rutting her hips to blend your juices in a sweet matrimony.

“I always knew you’d feel this good.” Brie huffed, placing her hands upon both of your tits, one on each, to aid herself with leverage for her movements.

A slight sound could be heard, induced by the pressing of your cunts, as she rode your cunts, your lips spread open by her own. It coaxed noises of complete euphoria out of you, as you tugged on your own hair, almost pulling a few strands out.

“Holy shit Brie, so fuckin’ good. Mmm.” A light scream stumbled out of your moth afterwards, being a say all to you being close to reaching your peak.

“Be a good girl and cum. Cum you annoying bitch.” She squeezed your breasts harsher, bringing you somewhat pain, as you fell over the edge. “Good girl baby, so wet.”

She ground harder, until she too released upon your pussy, giving a couple more fluid motions until she moved off of you, pulling her juicy cunt away from your own, and rolling beside you, going to tug her clothes on. “We may have to practice yoga together more often.”

“Yeah.” You muttered, finally upholding your tight grasp upon your hair. It was a definite consumption to satisfy your frustration with her again, after all, you were roommates, and that meant plenty of opportunities.

#brie larson smut #brie larson imagine #brie larson x reader #Brie x reader #Brie smut #gxg imagine #gxg smut #imagines #imagine #xreader #marvel x y/n #marvel imagines #marvel x you #marvel x reader #marvel cast fanfiction #marvel cast smut #marvel smut #marvel cast x reader #marvel fanfiction #captain marvel smut #carol danvers smut #carol danvers x reader #carol smut #carol danvers x y/n #carol danvers x female reader #carol danvers x you #captain marvel x reader #captain marvel x female reader #captain marvel x you

[misnomera]

On racial stereotyping of the Haans in TMA...

Right so as someone who is ethnically Chinese I have NO FUCKING clue how I didn’t notice this more distinctly in my initial binge of tma (going too fast and not paying closer attention to character names and descriptions, probably) but the Haan family storyline is, all horror elements aside, pretty fucked up in terms of racial representation re: stereotyping. This got long as hell, but please please please take a moment to read through if you’ve got time for it. thanks.

To start off, the Haans are one of the few characters in tma with an explicitly specified race and ethnicity—Chinese—and pretty much the only explicitly Chinese characters in tma, other than the mostly unimportant librarian (Zhang Xiaoling) from Beijing. But like, Haan isn’t even a properly Chinese surname, at least not in the way that it’s spelled in canon (it should be Han, one a. A quick google search tells me that Haan as a surname has...Dutch origins??).

Of course, that could be chalked up to shoddy anglicization processes within family histories, which certainly isn’t uncommon with immigrant families, so I’m not going to dwell on names too much (although I also find it interesting that John Haan’s name is so specifically and weirdly anglicized that he changed his own surname?? Hun Yung to John Haan is a very big leap of a name change and frankly not very believable. ANYWAY, this is not that important. I don’t expect Jonny, a white Englishman, to come up with perfectly unquestionable non-Cho-Chang-like Chinese names, though it certainly would be nice. Moving on).

What really bothers me about the Haans is how they almost exclusively and explicitly play into negative Chinese immigrant stereotypes. I don’t even feel like I need to say it because it’s like...it’s literally Right There, folks. John Haan (in ep 72) owns and operates a sketchy takeout restaurant. They’re all avatars of the Flesh—and John Haan is Specifically horrific and terrifying because he cooked his wife’s human meat and fed it to his unknowing customers. Does that remind you of any stereotypes which accuse Chinese people of consuming societally unacceptable and ethically questionable things like dog/cat/bat meat (which, if it’s not already crystal fucking clear, we don’t. do that.), which in turn characterize us as horrible unfeeling monsters? John Haan’s characterization feeds (haha, badum tss) directly into this harmful stereotype that have caused very real pain for Chinese people and East Asians in general. 

And Jonny does nothing to address that from within his writing (and not out of it either). And, speaking on a more meta level, Jonny could’ve easily had these flesh avatars be individuals of any race (like, what’s Jared Hopworth’s ethnicity? Do we know? No? Well then). Conversely, he could’ve easily, easily had a Chinese person be an avatar of any other entity. So why did he have to chose specifically the Flesh?

(This is a rhetorical question. You know why. Racial stereotyping and invoking a fear of the other in an attempt to enhance horror, babey~)

On Tom Haan’s side, Jonny seems weirdly intent on having other characters repeatedly comment on his accent (or rather, lack thereof) in relation to his race. Think about how, in ep 30 (killing floor), the fact that Tom Haan had spoken a line to the statement giver in “perfect English” was an emphasized beat in that statement, and a beat that was supposed to be “chilling” and meant to signify to us that something was, quote-unquote, “not right” with Tom Haan. Implicitly, that’s saying that it was unexpected, not “normal”, and in this case even eerie, for someone who looks Chinese to have spoken in fluid, unbroken English. Mind you, the line itself was perfectly scary on its own (“you cannot stop the slaughter by closing the door”), so why did Jonny feel the need to note the accent in which it was spoken in? Why did Jonny HAVE to have that statement giver note, that he initially “wasn’t even sure how much English [Haan] spoke”? 

This happens again in episode 72 with a Chinese man (and again, his ethnicity is Explicitly Noted) who we assume is also Tom Haan. This one is rather ironically funny and kind of painfully self aware, because the statement giver expresses surprise at Haan’s “crisp RP accent” and then immediately “felt bad about making the assumption that he couldn’t speak English,” and subsequently admitted that thought was “low-key racist.” Like, from a writing perspective, this entire passage is roundabout, pointless, and says absolutely nothing helpful to enhance the horror genre experience for listeners (instead it just sounded like some sort of half-assed excuse so Jonny or other listeners could say “look! We’ve addressed the racism!” You didn’t. It just made me vaguely uncomfortable). And again, having other people comment on our accents/lack thereof while assuming we are foreign is a Very Real microaggression that east asians face on the daily. If Jonny needed some filler sentences for pacing he could’ve written about Literally anything else. So why point out, yet again, that the crazy murderous man was foreign and Chinese? 

At this point, you might say, right, but yknow, it was just that the statement givers were kind of racist! It happens! Yeah sure, ok, that’s a passable in-universe explanation for descriptions of Tom Haan (though not John Haan, mind you), but the statement givers are fake made up people, and statement’s still written by Jonny, who absolutely has all the power to write overt discrimination out of his stories. And he does! Think about just how many minor (and major!!) characters are so, so carefully written as completely aracial, and do not have their ethnicity implicated at all in whatever horrors they may or may not be committing. Think about how many lgbtq+ characters have given statements, and have been in statements, without having faced direct forms of discrimination, or portrayed as embodying blatant stereotypes in their stories (though lgbtq+ rep in tma certainly has their own issues that I won’t go into here). Jonny can clearly write characters this way, and he can do it well. So why, why, am I being constantly, repeatedly reminded in-text of the fact that the Haans are East Asian, that they’re from China, that they’re Chinese immigrants, that they’re second-generation British Chinese or whatever the fuck, and that they’re also horrifying conduits for blood, gore, and general fucked-up-ness? It’s absolutely not something that is Needed for the stories to be an effective piece of horror; the only thing it does is perpetuate incredibly harmful and hurtful stereotypes.

And listen, I love tma to bits. It’s taken over my blog. I’ve really loved my interactions with the fandom. And I am consistently blown away by Jonny’s writing and how well he’s able to weave foreshadowing and plot into an incredibly complex collection of stories. But I absolutely Cannot stop thinking about the Haans because it’s just. It’s such a blatant display of racial stereotyping in writing. And I’ve certainly seen a few voices talking about it here and there, and I don’t know if I’m just not looking in the right places, but it certainly feels like something that is just straight up not on the radar for a lot of tma fans. And I’m disappointed about that. 

Just, I don’t know. Take a look at those episodes again and do some of your own thinking about why these characters had to be specifically Chinese (answer: they didn’t.). And in general, PLEASE for the love of god turn a critical eye on character portrayals and descriptions whenever they are assigned specific races/ethnicities (Some examples that come to mind are Jude Perry, Annabelle Cane, and Diego Molina), because similar issues, to an extent, extend beyond the Haans, though I haven’t covered them here. 

You shouldn’t need a POC to do point out these problems for you when they’re so glaringly There. But for those of you who really didn’t know, hope this was informative in some way. I’m tired, man. If some of the only significant Chinese characters you write are violent cannibalistic men with a perverted relationship with meat, just don’t do it. Please don’t do it. 

EDIT: Since the making of this post Jonny has acknowledged and apologized for these portrayals on his twitter and in the Rusty Quill Operations Update, which went up September 2020. A long time coming, but better late than never. This of course doesn’t necessarily negate the harm done by Jonny’s writing, and doesn’t make me much less angry about it, but is appreciated nonetheless. For more on this topic there’s a lot of productive discussions happening in my “#tma crit” tag and in the notes of this post

#tma #the magnus archives #magnuspod #tma 30 #tma 72 #tma crit #racism #sinophobia #racist stereotyping #tw cannibalism #tw violence #long post #tom haan #john haan

[marauders-venting]

Worth The Wait (Part 2)

pairing: wolfstar (remus x sirius)

genre: fluff & angst

warnings: implied panic attack

words: 3116

a/n: i decided to write a second part because people asked and i was feeling nice. Also i didn’t want sirius to be sad cause that makes me sad :(

Remus’ head was spinning. He didn’t understand what had just happened. Sirius had tried to kiss him. Sirius had tried to kiss him. But it was his own reaction that concerned and confused Remus even more. Because when Sirius had tried to kiss him he had felt something. There had been a part of him that wanted to kiss Sirius back. Wanted it desperately. A part of him that wanted to let his lips meet Sirius’ and put his hands in Sirius’ hair, brush his jaw, touch his waist. That was the part of himself that frightened Remus. Alarms had gone off in his head telling him to turn away, not to listen to that part of him because god knows what road that would lead him down.

Fuck. How long had that part of him been there? Was it new? Was it something that had appeared just now? No, it can’t be, Remus thought. It felt like this part of him has been there for a while, in constant battle with the other part of him. A battle over Sirius. Over what he wants with Sirius, over what Sirius means to him. But if these thoughts had been there for a while, how was Remus only now becoming aware of them? And if they had been there for a while, what the fuck does this mean?

All these questions come flowing into Remus’ brain within a matter of seconds and they all feel unanswerable and Remus doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know what to do or what to think because his brain is being so so loud and there’s screaming and he can’t tell if it’s in his head and everything’s going to implode and—

BREATHE, screams something in his head. BREATHE. Remus lies down in the grass and a stab of pain in his chest from a lack of oxygen. He gasps for breath and opens his eyes although he doesn’t remember closing them. He feels disoriented. Everything feels fake.

Remus sits back up and he buries his head in his arms. If Sirius were here, he’d be sitting next to Remus, comforting him. He could practically hear Sirius asking, “what’s going on in that big brain of yours?” There are lots of things going through his brain right now. But mostly it’s just the word ‘FUCK’ exactly like that, in all-caps flashing in his mind a million times over.

That’s wrong actually, says a voice in his head. Not about the word ‘FUCK’ being repeated in his head over and over again but about what Sirius would be doing if he was here. If Sirius were here he’d probably be sitting or maybe standing awkwardly away from Remus, that look of hurt and heartbreak on his face. The look that broke Remus’ insides. It broke him more to know that he was the reason Sirius was hurt. He never wanted to hurt Sirius. He was supposed to help Sirius when was hurt. He wasn’t supposed to be the one hurting him. He’d do anything for Sirius. But this was something else. This was different. But I want this too, said that part of him. I want Sirius. Remus tries to push the thought out of his mind but he can’t. So now instead of a constant loop of ‘fuck’ he’s stuck in a constant loop of ‘I want Sirius’. Great. Fucking fantastic.

Remus tries to organise his thoughts. Okay, so let’s say for a moment, just for argument’s sake, that he does want Sirius. That he likes Sirius in the same way Sirius apparently likes him. What does that mean? Does that make him gay? Am I gay? he thinks. Maybe. It’s possible. Remus had never considered it before. He doesn’t think he’s gay. Not that he’s ever had a particularly memorable romantic or sexual experience with a girl. But he’s never had one with a boy either. He’s never wanted to. Until now. Or until whenever he started imagining the way that Sirius’ hands would feel on his hips because this couldn’t be the first time. Definitely not. Okay, so maybe I am a little gay, then, he thinks. Fuck, this is hard.

Remus doesn’t want to go back to the dorm now. He’s sure that Sirius doesn’t want to see him. But he can’t stay out here so he goes back anyway. When he gets back to the dorm James, Sirius and Peter are all asleep and Remus wonders how long he’s been outside. He checks the clock. It’s past midnight. He showers as quietly as possible and goes to bed but it’s hours before he finally falls asleep. Questions keep swirling through his head, keeping him awake. And in the middle of it all, his almost-kiss with Sirius. Every time Remus thinks about it he feels his pulse rise. He turns away from his wall and sees Sirius in the bed across from him. He’s fast asleep, one hand hanging out of his bed, his lips slightly parted. Remus takes in the curve of his lips, the edge of his jaw, the bridge of his nose, his eyes closed and his dark eyelashes visible against his pale cheek. Remus wonders why he can’t turn away and then he realises what he’s thinking about. He’s thinking about how much he’d like to kiss Sirius right now and he can’t believe he let the chance pass by. He can’t believe he rejected Sirius. He turned down the most attractive person in this whole goddamn castle. Why? Remus can’t think of any reason right now.

When Remus wakes up the next morning the dorm is empty. He almost forgets about everything that happened last night. Until he rolls over and sees Sirius’ empty bed. His first thought is that it was a dream. Maybe it was just a dream. But when he goes down to the Great Hall for breakfast and sees the way Sirius is pointedly avoiding his eye, he knows it was real. So instead of going to sit with Sirius, James and Peter, he goes to sit with Lily, Marlene and Dorcas.

“Hey,” he says, sitting down beside Lily. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better,” she says. “Madam Pomfrey gave me a potion and I was fine within an hour. How was doing the rounds alone? Boring right?”

“Yeah,” Remus nods. He feels his stomach twist. Remus has no reservations about lying but he hates lying to Lily. It’s pointless anyway; she can usually see right through him. “Really boring.”

Remus spends the rest of the day avoiding Sirius. James and Peter stuck with Sirius and Remus pretended it didn’t bother him. Classes the next day gave Remus more excuses not to talk to Sirius. He sat next to Lily in every class and she seemed pleasantly surprised. She asked Remus that night if anything had happened with his friends but Remus said he didn’t want to talk about it so she dropped it.

“If you change your mind, I’m here,” she had said.

“Thanks, Lily, really,” he replied. He appreciated her support but he didn’t want to talk about what had happened. Not yet anyway.

---------

“Remus.” It’s James. Remus turns to him.

“Yeah?” Remus says. Five days had passed since the incident with Sirius. Remus had barely exchanged a sentence with James, Sirius or Peter. He’s sure James and Peter must have noticed something was going on but he had been hoping that Sirius hadn’t mentioned it.

“Look, I know things might be weird with Sirius right now but that doesn’t mean you have to avoid me and Peter as well,” he says.

“Why would things be weird with Sirius?” Remus tries to say casually. He fails.

“Remus…” James starts but Remus realises before he says anything.

“He told you, didn’t he?” Remus says. “Of course, he did. Fucking tells you everything, doesn’t he? Well, what are you doing, talking to me then? Isn’t it considered betrayal to talk to the person who rejected your best friend? It’s like fraternising with the enemy.”

“Remus, what are you talking about? You’re not ‘the enemy’,” James says. “Not to me. Certainly not to Sirius.”

“Did you know?” Remus asks, ignoring what James said. Because how was he supposed to respond to that? “When he said he’d come with me that night, did you know he was going to do it?”

“I knew he was thinking about it,” James says. “He’d been thinking about it for ages.”

“And you didn’t tell him it was a bad idea?” Remus asked, arms crossed.

“Well, no,” James says. “I… I assumed you would…”

“Like him back?”

“Well… yeah,” James says, sounding rather sheepish and apologetic.

“Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why did you think I liked him back?”

“I don’t know,” James sighs. “You guys would spend all your time together. You had all these inside jokes. You’d stay up for hours talking to each other. Loads of reasons.”

“But you do that too!” Remus says. “You and Sirius do all those things you just said too and it’s not…”

“Yeah but that’s different,” James says. “Sirius has always been like my brother. Have you ever seen him as a brother?”

“I… I might have,” Remus says, arms crossed.

“Did you?”

“No,” Remus sighs. “I knew it was different, I just didn’t know that ‘different’ meant… this.”

“Does that… Remus, what do you mean?”

“Nothing,” Remus answers hurriedly, his face heating.

“Remus,” James starts, “I’m going to ask you this one time and whatever you say I’ll believe you, okay? Do you like Sirius?”

“Of course, I like Sirius, idiot, he’s my best friend,” Remus replies.

“Come on, you know what I mean,” James says. Remus remains silent. “You wanna know why I thought you liked him? Because of the way you look at him. Like you’re constantly in complete awe of him. It’s the same way he looks at you.”

“Fine,” Remus says. He’s not looking at James. “I… I think I do. I had never considered it before… before this but I started thinking about it and… and I think maybe I do actually like him.”

“Remus, that’s okay,” James says, hugging him. “It’s okay not to know or not to recognise an emotion when you’re feeling it in the moment.” Remus feels himself relax a little. Something about being told that it’s okay, that what he’s feeling is okay, something about it being put into words is comforting to him even if he can’t explain why.

“You should talk to him,” James says gently. “And you know that whatever happens, I’ll be here for you. For both of you.”

“More for Sirius than for me,” Remus says before he can stop himself. He means it as a joke, kind of, but James takes him by both shoulders and looks him dead in the eye.

“Hey,” he says. “Absolutely not. Our friendship is just as important to me as my friendship with Sirius. Remus, I promise you no matter what happens, I will always be your best friend. You assume that Peter and I would choose Sirius over you. We wouldn’t. We kept trying to talk to you these last few days but you avoided us and shut us out. Don’t do that, Rem. We miss you. We want you in our lives just as much as Sirius. I promise you that. You believe me, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do,” Remus says. And he does. Somehow. He’s not quite sure how but he does. He’s silent for a moment but gives in eventually and says it. Says the thing that’s been worrying him since the moment Sirius’ lips brushed his own for that split second. “I don’t want to lose him.”

“You can’t,” James says without hesitation. “You can’t because I know you, Remus, and I know you won’t let that happen. And Sirius won’t let it happen either.”

---------

Remus couldn’t sleep again. He couldn’t think about anything other than Sirius, lying two beds away from him. What the hell was happening to him? Sirius had been sleeping two beds away from him since they were eleven but now suddenly it was keeping him up at night? He didn’t understand himself. He rolled over.

“Sirius?” he whispered. Sirius turned around.

“Yeah?” he whispered back. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just… woke up,” Remus lied. “I don't know if I’ll be able to fall asleep now though.” He glances over to where James and Peter are still fast asleep, both snoring like logs. Sirius isn’t saying anything. “You wanna go downstairs?” Remus asked hopefully. He needs to talk to Sirius. If he figured out anything from a week of avoiding Sirius it was that he hated life without him. Unfortunately, Sirius had continued to avoid Remus even after Remus had resolved to stop. Remus could hardly blame him but he really wished Sirius wouldn’t. It made things harder.

“Yeah, okay,” Sirius nodded, getting up. Remus stands up as well, pulls a sweater on and quietly slips out the door after Sirius. They walked down the stairs in silence and sat down on the couches in the empty common room. The fire had nearly died out but it provided enough light for the two of them. Remus had, evidently, not thought this through. What the fuck was he supposed to say now?

“I can’t believe you put on a sweater when it’s nearly summer,” Sirius said, saving Remus the trouble.

“Why is that so hard to believe?” Remus asked, trying to keep it casual. “I do it all the time.”

“I know,” Sirius said. “It’s weird.”

“Weirder than wearing a leather jacket every day of the year?”

“That’s called style.”

“Well, sweaters are my style.”

“Fine, if you say so.”

“What, would you rather I wore leather jackets?”

“You can wear whatever you like, Moony.” Silence. That was the most they’d spoken all week.

“What do you want to do?” Sirius asked. Remus shrugged. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to kiss Sirius. Like, now. It was all he had been able to think about all week. But getting to the point where he’d be able to do that was what Remus seemed to be struggling with. “Why did you suggest we come downstairs, then?”

“Better than listening to James and Peter snore, isn’t it?” Remus said.

“I guess,” Sirius said. Remus hesitated. This felt like an opening. He was determined to take it.

“Sirius,” he started.

“Yeah?”

“You know… uhm the other night, when you came with me to do the rounds—”

“Remus, I’m sorry, okay?” Sirius said, his face falling. He was back away from Remus. “I get it, you don’t… you don’t like me like that—”

“No but that’s just it,” Remus said. He didn’t want Sirius to leave. Instinctively, he reached out a hand and took Sirius’. “I do.”

“What?” Sirius looked from Remus to their joined hands and back again.

“I do like you… like that,” Remus said, blushing.

“But when I…” Sirius started. “You said we should just be friends.”

“I… I was scared,” Remus admitted. “I had never thought about it before. And when you tried to… it made me think about what that would mean. About me and about our friendship. And I got scared. I’m sorry, Sirius, I’m so sorry if I hurt you. But I’ve been thinking about it since then. And… I think I may have actually liked you for a long time.”

“Remus…” Sirius started, shaking his head. “You don’t have to do this. It’s okay that you don’t like me in that way. I love being your friend and if that’s what you want then I’m happy with that. You don’t have to do this.”

“Sirius, I’m not doing anything. I’m telling you the truth, I swear.”

“R–Really?”

“Yeah,” Remus said. Sirius’ lips were parted in surprise. Remus couldn’t stop staring at them. A sudden overwhelming feeling came over him and he had to refrain from brushing Sirius’ bottom lip with his thumb. But then he realised that he doesn’t have to refrain from it. Remus hesitated for a moment. He scooted closer to Sirius on the couch, one leg crossed in front of him and the other dangling off the edge of the couch. He reached out a hand and caressed Sirius’ cheek, his thumb brushing Sirius’ bottom lip. Sirius closed his eyes. “Can I kiss you?” he asked.

“Yes,” Sirius said. It came out like a whisper, his eyes still closed. Remus leaned in and slowly closed the gap between his mouth and Sirius’. His heart was thrumming so loud in his ears, he felt like the sound was echoing in his brain. His hand was still cupping Sirius’ face. He wrapped it around Sirius’ neck, kissing him harder. And as Sirius’ hands find Remus’ waist, pulling him closer, as Remus becomes acutely aware of the fact that his leg is pressed against Sirius’ thigh, Remus wonders how the fuck it took him so long to realise that this was what he’s been wanting the whole time.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing Remus said when they broke apart. 

“What?” Sirius asked, looking at him incredulously.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t figure this out sooner,” he said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sirius said. “You could’ve taken another year and I wouldn’t care. You’re worth the wait.”

“Still,” Remus said. “I would’ve liked more time to do this.” And he kisses Sirius again. Slowly first and then more passionately, pulling Sirius towards him like he wants every inch of him and more. And Sirius lets him have it. Yep, Remus thought, I’m definitely gay. To some degree, at least. He knew there was a whole spectrum of sexualities but he’d never really bothered to think about it much until now. But figuring out his sexuality was something that Remus wasn’t particularly fussed about at this moment in time. Right now, he just wanted to stay here in Sirius’ arms, curled up on a couch, watching the fire die out, pressing tiny kisses to Sirius’ lips, the tip of his nose, the curve of his jaw.

He thinks about what Sirius said and smiles. You’re worth the wait.

---------

Sirius meant what he had said. He would’ve waited for Remus forever if he’d had to. He’d have waited until the concept of time ceased to exist. But he didn’t have to. Because Remus was his now. And all it took was one look into Remus’ amber eyes, glowing in the dying embers of the fire, for Sirius to know that this was real: he was falling in love with Remus Lupin. And he couldn’t be happier about it.

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