#so like i havent left the house since almost a month

[morwap]

𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐌𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐇. 𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐌𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐇, 𝐁𝐎𝐘

➸ vampire!eddie munson x fem!reader

➸ STRANGER THINGS S4 V1&2 SPOILERS

➸ smut, angst | A/N: i don’t know much about dnd or kas, but this is based off kas theory BUT do not come at me for not getting the kas shit right or whatever bc this is my own version and y’all are gonna get what you get and DONT throw a fit😋🫶 also vecna earthquake has happened but the upside down is slowly leaking into hawkins its not rapid like the end of season 4 anyways hot horny vamp!eddie

➸ nav • e.m m.list

dom!eddie, sub!reader, p in v, “character death”, depression, blood/blood sucking, biting (eddie cant turn you bc i said so), oral f! & m!receiving , praise, pain kink,, “cunt”, pet names, choking, creampie

♡ ───────✧ 𓆩♡𓆪 ✧─────── ♡

four months, four fucking months of sleeping with eddies extra hellfire shirt and wearing his pick necklace constantly.

hawkins school had simply passed everyone, you graduated officially without eddie and without a celebration since everyone was helping gather things and rebuild things from the earthquake. just the piece of paper that meant fucking nothing to you while you knew this was what eddie was working so hard for, all this year, wanting to graduate with you, by your side.

you couldnt even look in wayne’s direction at first, knowing he loved eddie just as much then you figured it was better to comfort him and honestly you were surprised when you went to talk to him and all he did was hug you, squeezing the breath out of you and sobbing into your shoulder. you heard him mumbled that he had some things he wanted you to have.

at this point your tears had ran out, feeling like you couldn’t cry anymore and it was just numb. not bothering to get out of bed or even answer the phone when steve, nancy or dustin tried to call, the only thing you could do was close your eyes and replay that terrible day.

the way eddie kissed your forehead before ushering you up the makeshift rope before cutting it, the way you and dustin both screamed for him to not do this. tears streaming down your face as you watched him run out the trailer. your shoulder still gets some pain from you landed on the ground without the crash pad, chasing after him with dustin close behind. both of you screaming eddies name then seeing the swarm of demobats.

chest burning and shoulder in pain as you ran as fast as you could to him, seeing the demobats fall to the ground and not even knowing what happened for them to do that unless they had gotten to vecna but that couldnt even cross your mind at that point. literally no one crossed your mind other than eddie.

getting onto the ground immediately, scuffing up your knees as you did so. dustin was at your side almost immediately. crying and trying to get eddie’s head in your lap without hurting him.

the rest was a blur, you remembered him talking and you responding while it felt like your hearing had gone muffled.

you remembered having to leave him there, dustin tell you that you both needed to go and that they did it but something else happened, something bad. dustin basically had to drag you to the trailer to leave and regroup with steve, nancy and robin.

steve tried to comfort you but nancy had stopped him, shaking her head ‘no’ and telling him to try later.

you forced yourself to help gather things for the things they were doing for people that need help from the earthquake. knowing if eddie was here he would want to help and would want you to help.

when steve saw you dropping things off he asked you to follow him to his car, needing to give you something.

almost breaking down in tears as he got out eddies vest from his trunk, giving it to you and hugging you.

since then you’ve barely left the house, either sleeping all day and night or staying up all hours and fighting sleep since sometimes you’d dream of him. sitting in the shower for hours until your mom was knocking at the door and asking “are you okay in there?” and still denying phone calls. you havent even seen max at the hospital yet, which made you upset and curse yourself for being a bad friends but it was dreadful to even think about leaving your house.

-

you moved around in your bed, flipping from one side to the other. you had been trying to sleep for hours now, finding yourself not tired at all once your head hit your pillow. it was well past 12 am and your mother had gone to your aunts house to help her do somethings which left you alone in the house.

something felt off, knowing no one was in the house but you still felt like you were being watched. you clicked on your lamp before sitting up in your bed, pulling the blanket off you and putting your feet on the cold hard wood.

shivering as you looked around your room, expecting something to be there but, it was empty. getting up and heading out if your room, going all the way down to your kitchen slowly.

you took a look around, the feeling of being watched never left you—if anything it felt like it was getting more intense. you grabbed a yogurt out of the fridge and a spoon and sat at your dinning table.

eating the yogurt quickly, wanting to be back up in your room as fast as you could and be surrounded by the comfort of your blanket and probably now cold sheets. you tossed the empty yogurt cup into the trash by the back door, taking a peek through the thin curtain that dangled in front of the small square window.

almost expecting something to be looking back at you or at least just something be there but, there was nothing, just pitch black and a lonely street light that flickered like crazy and barely casted any light. sniffling as you moved the curtain back to how it was before and tossing the spoon into the sink, cringing the loud clinking it made against the side of the sink and a glass cup.

you went back to the door and made sure the door was locked, thankfully it was and then going to the front door and checking it as well.

a little squeak came from upstairs, furrowing your brows, you had never thought of the windows or maybe it was just the house settling and if anything it would be dustin or steve and robin just checking up on you or something…right?

calming yourself down and starting to walk up the stairs, you didn’t hear any talking if it was steve and robin so you ruled out the noise being your friends because even dustin would talk to himself if it was him.

your nerves settled when you saw no one in your room, and you came to the conclusion that it was most likely the house settling. getting back into bed and pulling your blanket over you, it was colder than you remember.

you turned and took in a shaky breath, your window was open, fully open and the curtains you had were blowing in the wind. shooting up in your bed and scrambling to your window to shut it.

slamming it down and moving the lock, hearing another noise as you laid back down and pulled your blanket over your head. squeezing your eyes shut as you heard another noise, now it dawned on you that if something did come in you had shut and locked and exit point.

feeling the mattress dip next to you, hoping whatever it was would just go away. a hand pressed against your thigh.

“i didn’t mean to scare you princess”

your breathing stopped, it sounded like eddie. exactly like eddie.

the blanket was slowly being taken off you, you forced yourself to open your eyes and look at whatever was speaking to you.

it was eddie but something was off.

your lamp gave a decent amount of light, enough that you could see him. your eyes looking into his, his brown eyes now had a red tint to them and his skin was more pale.

“eddie?” you asked in a choked whisper.

eddie’s red stained lips curved into a smile, you looked at his teeth and furrowed your brows. were those fangs?

“the one and only” eddie quipped, he watched as your eyes became glossy.

you wrapped your arms around him quickly making him gasp a bit from the sudden movements. your face in his neck and hands fisting his leather jacket.

“m’sorry! m’so sorry, i didn’t wanna leave you there” you cried, gripping onto him tighter as his hand came to rub your back and he hushed you in soft voice.

eddie took in your scent, god you smelled good. it was overwhelming and made him go fuzzy.

“don’t worry about it sweetheart, all that matters is that i’m right here” eddie whispered, pulling you from him and taking his thumbs and wiping the tears from your cheeks and under eyes.

eddie brought his lips to yours, a soft kiss at first but quickly turning rough, your arms wrapped around his neck as his tongue slipped into your mouth. his body pushing your back down to your mattress and moving between your thighs.

“i missed you so much baby” eddie mumbled into the kiss, you whined against him as if saying you missed him too.

you gripped at his leather jacket, trying to push it off him and eddie helped take it off. tossing it onto your bedroom floor, you noticed his shirt wasn’t his hellfire shirt instead it was just a black tshirt.

your hands went to his hair, you could feel him grow hard against you. eddie lifted up, yanking off his tshirt and tossing it beside his jacket, your eyes locked on the faded scars on his sides. eddie leaned back down and kissing you softly before moving down to your chest.

kissing your skin and moving down lower and lower, lifting your shirt so he could kiss down your stomach. you left a bit embarrassed that you were horny just when your boyfriend comes and you should be doing something wholesome and probably crying more but eddie seemed like he wanted this just as much as you did.

you grabbed the hem of your shirt and pulled it up and over your head, eddie was already at the elastic of your shorts.

“eddie i want you-” you whined, sitting up on your elbows and looking down at him.

“and you’ll get me, i’m gonna taste you first. its been too long” eddie said sternly, cutting off your whining. he looked up at you and you couldn’t help but wonder about the red eyes.

the red eyes, pale and fucking fangs…god you would sound fucking crazy if you said it out loud, actually maybe you wouldn’t just four months ago you were in a different dimension fighting a demobats and vecna and hearing all the stories about some girl eleven and robin, steve, dustin and erica’s starcourt shit so maybe a vampire wasn’t something too out of the ordinary.

your shorts were being slipped off of you, along with your panties. his lips on your inner thigh, leaving sloppy kisses along your thigh.

“this might hurt a little bit” eddie muttered against your thigh. you bit your lip and took a deep breath, this wasn’t the first time you two had done things with pain involved but you were a little nervous.

you felt his teeth against your skin, feeling fangs start to puncture your skin. your hands fisted your sheets and your eyes squeezed shut. a soft moan slipped from your lips.

eddie let go of your thigh, licking the blood that leaked form the puncture wounds and humming in delight.

“tastes so fuckin’ good” eddie groaned, moving to your other thigh and biting again. you let out a whimper and your hand moved to his hair.

it felt good in a odd way. you hummed as he licked up the mess he was making and a gasp came as his tongue went from your thigh to your cunt.

eddie licked a stripe up your cunt before pushing tongue through your folds, one of his hand moving up to your boob.

his tongue lapping at your clit, you fought the urge to close your legs around his head.

“just like that eds” you mewled, back arching as he sucked and licked your clit. eddies fingers played with your nipple.

it was embarrassing how close you were already, but not having him or even masturbating was too blame.

“m’gonna cum, m’gonna fucking cum eddie” you moaned loudly, your legs closing around his head. your cunt clenching around nothing and you rocked your hips on his face. hearing him hum as he continued what he was doing.

your mouth stayed agape as you came, gripping his hair and trying to get him closer. moans fell from you as your rode out your high.

“off, off, its your turn” you panted, looking down at him as a he wiped his mouth the back of his hand. you pushed yourself up as he got up and off your bed.

eddie started unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants and getting them off as fast as he can, your lips went to his neck, sucking on his skin hoping to leave as many marks as you could.

you kissed down his body till you got to his cock, taking his shaft in your hand as you licking up to his tip.

“oh fuck, it has been too long, no wonder you came so fast” eddie teased, you smacked his thigh with your free hand causing eddie to laugh.

wrapping your lips around his tip and moving your tongue on him, hollowing your cheeks and sucking on his tip before taking him all the way in your mouth.

hearing eddie groan, his head going back as his hand went to the back of your head.

moving your mouth up and down on his cock, taking him to the back of your throat and fighting the urge to gag.

fuck you missed his cock in your mouth, your cunt was getting wetter and wetter by the second and you were waiting for him to start fucking your throat.

it was almost like he started reading your mind because, his hand held your head still and he started to thrust into your mouth. the tip of his cock hitting the back of your throat over and over.

you looked up at him and he moaned loudly, cussing under his breath. you breathed through your nose and let him fuck your mouth.

“doin’ so fucking good f’me baby, so proud of you” eddie praised, spit dripped down your chin as you hummed around his cock.

“just breath baby, almost there then im gonna fill your fucking cunt” eddie said in a breathy moan, feeling eddies cock throb in your mouth. you moved your hand to his balls, massaging them and letting your eyes close.

after a few minutes eddie stilled, his cock down your throat as you breathed and waited for his cum to shoot down.

cumming into your mouth as his thighs tensed, you swallowed around him and opened your eyes to look up at him.

eddie’s hair was messy, bangs sticking to his forehead. he pulled his cock out of your mouth, his thumb wiping spit from your chin.

“perfect fucking cock sucker” eddie whispered, grabbing your jaw and bringing his mouth to yours.

your thighs we’re sore and you whimpered into the kiss, eddie guided you to lay down and he hovered over you. you wrapped your legs around his waist and winced at the contact on the wounds.

eddie’s hard on pressed against your stomach, “please eddie” you begged in the kiss.

eddie broke the kiss and leaned back, “only because you asked so nicely” he teased. eddie slid himself between your folds, making sure to graze your clit over and over before bringing his tip to your entrance.

you moaned as he pushed into you, stretching you out just like you remembered. eddie was moaning too, relishing in how you clenched around him.

“fuck, you’re so tight” eddie mewled, finally all the way inside you and watching you squirm underneath him.

eddie’s head rested in the crook of your neck as he started to thrust in and out of you, making sure to brush against your clit with his pubic bone. your nails dug into his back, clawing it up without any thought.

you felt eddie’s fangs brush against your neck, feeling his tongue lick where he was about to bite as you prepared yourself for the pain that was about to come.

a squeak came from you, your nails digging deeper into his skin and cunt squeezing him cock as he bit into your neck, hearing him moan as his fangs were in your neck. eddie’s pace never slowed, it was actually gradually getting faster.

“you feel so good” you whimpered, eddie let go of your neck, licking up the blood that poured out.

eddie’s hand grabbed your throat, squeezing a bit as you moaned loudly. eddie was panting loudly.

“i love you” you choked out, one hand leaving his back to grip his wrist. your cunt clenched around him, spasming as you got closer and closer to your climax.

“i love you so much” eddie groaned, feeling that you were close.

“cum- i know you’re close, fucking cum for me” eddie ordered, his hips hitting harshly against you. your eyes squeezed shut as you focused on cumming.

your legs tightened around his waist and your mouth made an o shape, your brows furrowing together as you came around his cock, ragged breaths and moans coming from you as he continued to pound your cunt.

eddie’s hand still around your throat tightening as your orgasm triggered his, your cunt squeezing him so tight it made it hard to keep thrusting.

his cum painting your walls, after a few thrusts, his hand easing around your neck as you took in deep breaths.

both of you panting and resting against each other. you rubbed his back trying to ease the scratches, if he could even feel them.

eddie pulled out of you and got up, he grabbed his shirt and came back to clean you up. you smiled at him.

after you both were cleaned up enough eddie threw his shirt back to the ground and crawled in bed with you.

eddie laid on his back and pulled you to him, snuggling into his side and holding him tight. you weren’t gonna let him go anywhere.

“i missed you so much” you mumbled into his side, closing your eyes and tangling your legs with his. eddie’s finger was drawing shapes on your skin, he smiled and mumbled “i know, i missed you too..”

#dom!eddie munson #vampire!eddie #eddie munson smut #sub reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson stranger things #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie stranger things #eddie munson x reader smut #morwaps.nsfw. #stranger things eddie #stranger things fanfic #stranger things smut #stranger things #stranger things x reader #vampire!eddie munson #vampire!au

[nneptvne]

Things Better Left Unsaid

remus lupin x fem!reader

summary: it’s been years since you left, you thought you left it all behind. a single phone call had all of your hard work crumbling down.

note: this was sitting in my drafts for like a year.. i found it and liked it so i continued it. idek what the plot was supposed to be. i dont even indulge in maraurders fiction anymore. i havent written in like a year, this is just my mind spitting out scraps of other stories ive read. enjoy this mess maybe i’ll finish it sometime in the future.

warnings; sad, yearning, angsty, prisoner of azkaban era, remus is calling to tell reader sirius escaped, reader runs away from her problems, remus is the alone. an american making no effort to make this sound british.

—

To say you were lonely was an understatement.

You were completely and utterly isolated.

And part of that may have been your fault, Remus was only an owl away, Mary only stopped phoning you months after the incident because of your lack of interest in speaking to her. It’s interesting, really, how one can be their own worst enemy.

You hadn’t seen the sun in days, or what was left of it as the crisp October air turned frigid. Your skin was a bit pale, under-eyes a dull grey. You looked quite peaky, to say the least. Everything around your home seemed to be catching dust, you hadn’t cleaned in weeks.

For years you tried, and succeeded, in pushing your emotions aside and keeping a stable lifestyle. You moved away from all of the magic and chaos into a small muggle neighborhood in London. There, you were able to upkeep yourself and your home, even investing in some house plants!

But nothing lasts forever, and the grief you’d pushed aside for all those years came crashing down, crushing you and the pretentious house plants.

The obnoxious sound of your house phone is what coaxed you out of bed. The floor was cold and dusty against your bare feet, nerves shocked at the sudden exposure to fresh oxygen from your duvet. You rubbed the crust from your eyes, tip toeing out of your room.

By the time it took for you to reach the kitchen, where your ugly beige wall phone was, it had stopped ringing. You stared for a moment, praying to some higher power that it wouldn’t ring again.

You never seemed to have much luck.

“Hello?” You croaked, picking up the phone before it could even ring fully.

“It’s been a while, Y/L/N,” A familiar male voice spoke, and suddenly you were wide awake.

“Remus,” you cleared your throat.

“How are you?” He asked, and oh how you wanted to die.

“I’m okay, and you?” You replied, tears welling in your eyes as you felt a lump grow in your throat.

“I’m well,” He was quiet, making no move to converse further.

You grew frustrated with the few seconds of silence. How could he call you, after all these years, and say nothing? All the things that were left unsaid when you packed up and left, and yet he sat there and said nothing? You almost hung up.

You wanted to scream, scream that you were sorry for leaving him, sorry for being a coward. How could you leave Remus behind as if he too hadn’t lost everything? You were selfish, but you were also scared, broken, grieving, and guilty. But so was he. And you were both angry; angry at the world for how it had treated you, for how it ripped all you had right out of the palms of your hand. How could it be so cruel? Was it karma? Did the universe see you both specifically and reign its hell? Was it just bad luck?

You swore that that night you saw the light. For it had left Lily’s eyes and blinded yours. You thought he was still lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect time to present you with the same fate as your bestest friends. But you welcomed it with open arms, for death didn’t seem too bad if James and Lily Potter were just ahead of you. You’d face the veil of death a million times if it meant they’d be right there with you. But he spared you, why? Was it some kind of sick joke, for you to suffer as he took everything from you as if he’d pulled the rug from under your feet? Or was it mercy, a reward for your kindness?

“It’s been so long,” you settled for.

this is so messy im sorry. if anyone likes this i may try to revise and finish it and include an actual plotline. also i think my punctuation and grammar was really bad, sorry im kind of failing school right now. anyways thank you for reading.

#remus lupin x reader #sirius black x reader #james potter x reader #marauders era #marauders x reader #harry potter #peter pettigrew #lily potter #remus lupin angst #moony wormtail padfoot and prongs

[smallestapplin]

so i had this funny idea floating in my head for a little while lol.

warden ingo sees the new sky person and just instantly falls inlove with them. but wat he dosent know is its his S/O whos been looking for him for a few years. however his s/o has been so busy with the pokedex that they havent had much time to spend with him, and when they do its not very much. one day while staying with the new sky person at their place he decides to confess his feelings only for them to laugh and be like “ingo, were married”

queue the water works and a surprised pikachu face. his s/o finally gets to explain who they are and where hes from. now he just feels silly and embarrassed but his s/o just thinks it was the cutest thing ever.

Ayo👀👀

Asks are open

-

-

Warden Ingo has the same routine day in and day out, but something always felt missing, this something keeps him up at night.

It’s like his futon is too big no matter how small it is, so he usually ends up sleep in Lady Sneasler’s den with her kits.

Even then he still feels lonely, no matter who he is around he feels like he is alone. He can’t recall how long he has been in Hisui anymore as days, weeks, and months blend and blur together.

Then he got orders from Irida to help the new sky fallen stranger.

He didn’t mean to almost run into you but he is glad he did. He froze up looking at you, his heart screaming in joy but he was confused as to why.

You looked at him that day in shock and disbelief, then it morphed into confusion.

“Hello! The commander his informed me he’d like you in his office.”

And he was quick to take off to the training grounds to still his beating heart.

Since then he can’t help but want to be around you, he is in love but he is scared at how quickly he fell for you. Just walking around the cave guiding you, while his head hurt from all the thinking of what memories he could recall, your presence lessened it.

You seemed to always push his memory in the right direction or you’d mention something that made his eyes light up.

Unova sounds so familiar, and you said you’re from there, there has to be something he isn’t getting!

You two spent so much time together. Time he cherished.

But one day you looked at your odd device, an ‘Arcphone’ you said it was.

Your contentment was quickly snuffed out when you looks at it, placing it back into your pocket and you left.

“Sorry to cut on usual hang outs short Ingo, I need to complete the pokedex, I’ll try and visit as often as I can.”

And you were gone.

Sometimes he didn’t see you for weeks, other times he’d only get thirty minutes with you and you’d be gone.

You absents left a hold in his heart, he desperately wants you by his side again, he feels more isolated than before.

He made up his mind, he is going to confess his love for you!

For a week he stay in Jubilife at the training grounds waiting for you, he figured he’d let you set a time and he’d confess then.

And it worked!

“Hey Ingo! Awfully late for you to be at the training grounds here, what’s up?”

“Oh has it already gotten that late? My apologies I didn’t even notice.” He has been so lost in thought about what he’d even say he didn’t notice night had fallen.

“Well it’s too late for you to go back to the highlands, come on, you can rest at my place.” You motion him to follow you.

“Oh I don’t wish to impose-“

“Come on Ingo.”

“Of course.”

He knew you wouldn’t take no for an answer on this.

Once at your house and taking off his shoes at the door he sat on the cushion.

“Are you hungry at all? I can make something for us.” You offer already up and ready to make something.

“Oh no thank you, ate earlier.”

You stare at him.

“I ate a few berries and Zisu forced me to take a lunch break, so I also made and ate some soup, I made sure to do so in case you stopped by, you get upset with me when I don’t eat.” He chuckles at your flushed but relived face.

You sit back down “good! You need to take care of yourself, I…well we all worry for you.”

Ingo feels his heart beating quickly, you care for him, you worry for him, he can’t take it anymore.

“If I may be so bold, may I confess something?” He takes his hat off and rests it against his chest, almost in a form of comfort.

“Oh, sure I don’t mind,” you warm smile makes him blush.

Looking away for a moment before taking a deep breathe, he can do this.

“I wish to tell you I’m in love with you, I realized I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore in our time apart, I want to spend all my time with you, you are always at the forefront of my mind, please, allow me to court you.”

His face grew redder with each word, he looks down now wanting to meet you eyes, afraid you’ll see his fear of rejection.

His heart sinks at the sound of your laughter, it didn’t sound mocking but it hurt.

“Oh Ingo! You don’t have to, we are married, you are way passed the courting phase!” You try to tone down you laughter but it only gets louder at the look on his face.

His embarrassed expression made this all the cuter! To think your husband fell right back in love with you.

His head had snapped up at you, eyes wide and mouth agape. You take your gloves off your left hand and show him your ring.

“In our time we commonly use rings to show our commitment, you bought me this ring and gave it to me on our wedding day, when you went missing I was frantic, I spent two years looking you for, we never gave up hope.”

Your voice breaks and you try to blink away tears.

“When I saw you here I was so excited but you didn’t remember me, I didn’t want you to think I was crazy by suddenly hugging you and claiming to be your spouse when you obviously had no idea.”

You gently cup his face with your left hand “I’m just happy you’re alive, that’s all I ever wanted to know.”

Ingo places his hand onto of yours, nuzzling into it. How had he not noticed? Your ring matches his perfectly!

With his free hand he reaches into his shirt and pulls out the matching ring.

“I made it into a necklace so I wouldn’t lose it, everyday I looked at handheld it wondering why it held such value to me, now I know, I’m so sorry.”

You shush him and pull him into a hug as he cries onto your shoulder. His arms are tightly around you.

“It’s not your fault Ingo, I would wait a life time for you.”

You two held each other crying. He felt awful he forgot his spouse, but it explains how at first glance he fell in love with you all over again.

“Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me Ingo, you’re my husband, I swore to stand by you and I will continue to do so.”

“Can you tell me what I’m missing then?”

“Of course.”

More tears were shed when he started putting pieces together. Leaving behind a twin brother whom you also seemed worried about but didn’t tell him why.

He doesn’t need to know how much of a mess Emmet is, you’re worried that it’ll be twice as bad with your own disappearance. You two were each other’s rock when Ingo vanished.

“So the purple flames?”

“That would be your partner Pokémon, a Chandelure that you named wickie, you got them when you were ten so be easy on yourself with the name.”

It was so weird to be learning facts about himself, some memories clicked while others didn’t, it would take time but you promised him you two would be able to go back soon.

Garitina has already faced your wrath.

Arceus is next.

#pokemon #pokemon imagines #pokemon x reader #pokemon fanfic #pokemon ingo #pokemon ingo x reader #pokemon fluff #pokémon

[eyeless-jack62002]

You know im mentally fucked when im here again

Also to those posting in these tags u can put the squiggle line so ur not jumpscaring ppl and less likely to get reported so fast.

Not me on my 3rd acc. Tho yall really help me stay clean. My partner started back in Novemberish maybe sooner. Right after our 4 y anniversary. And then she just dropped it on me. She knew i was trying to stay clean for her and i was doing such a good job. I only thought about it and would scroll here to "get my fix" its an addiction and i dont think ppl realize that. She brought my favorite drvgs into the house and hid it from me for months. Tho she doesnt even know i have a tumblr. Shes starting therapy now finally. And me too. I have an appt next week. I havent been since i was 12. Im scared. I dont trust therapists. I wish i could just cvt head to toe. All over everywhere. Id be exactly how i wanna be. I want this. But i cant. Gotta be around for my partner. Even tho she didnt want to for me. I told her if she wanted we could together but that we wouldnt be same ever again. I wish shed said yes but thats just jack. He clouds my thoughts with his own. Ik im sick. I wish she never told me. Ive been spiraling for months but i have to shove that down so i can help her get better. I warned her. She knew i was trying ro get better but she still fucking did it behind my back for months!! I almost broke up with her. I wnated so bad to run away and never see her again. But whats the price of choosing to love someone but urself. Id give my entire being up for her and in a way i do. Ive just been so hurt and its all i can think about. I threw away my fucking stash for her!! I regret that somedays. Today especially. We had to drain our fucking saving acc bc of her. She kept skipping work and we kept having less and less financial stability. Still dont but were starting to recover from that but barely. Its like she fucking ignored all of my advice as someone who has been selfh@rming for over a decade. Fuck what i have to say tho. The worst part of it all she cvt the same way and places as my quail as my ruby did. Fucked. She didnt know that tho. And i was finally fucking comfortable with telling her about my self h@arm and she fucking did it anyways. And she told me as if it was her telling what we her having for dinner. I cant even cry anymore over this. Why does this all still bother me. I have no tears left. I admit i screamed a lot. I hit her cvts slapped them. You didnt feel the pain then but u feel it now?? It hurts now? And she said to me "i thought you would have noticed" so snarky. Why the fuck would i think my partner who knows of my history would fucking betraw me like this. And then to be a bitch about it and ask for MY HELP!?!? TEH FUCKING INSANITY. She doing better now tho. Good for her. Ive never been okay. And i dont think i will be. I dont want to get better. Being sick feels too good. And eventually me subbing out cvting for w33d will get old eventually. It always does. Nothing can scratch this itch i have so badly in me. Its like my insides scream to be let out. Its like an energy that flows out with the red. She doesnt understand what cvtting is for me. She said she wanted to die. But knowing you wont die is what keeps me held. I have sold my soul. Im bound. Ruby stopped when we broke up. And i told her i did as well. I know were both liars but thats why ill always have a place in me for ruby. I love my partnerbut if she wants to replace ruby she can be my guest. But replaceing ruby will just make you into a ruby. And no one wants that. I love my partner and im clean for her. Why couldnt she do that for me.

I feel like im in my wattpad days in here. Jacks old diary. But he likes it here better. Anyways if u made it this far enjoy a gif from one of my current special interest show 🖤 -t and jack

#self h@rm #baby cvts #i want to cvt #s3lf harn #sh tumblr #sh things #s3lf mutilation

[bonniethebun]

Im liking the hang of this so i present you the boys+

Latinx! Yuu and new years agüeros .

You wonder, since this world has Magic, does the agüeros or Lucky charms you do for the new years be more effective ? Would the boys like to do some ?.

____________

It was almost winter break, people were just waiting for the semesters notes to finally pack and go back home for the season.

For you holiday season meant partying in the frontyard of your house with your family, this year however you were without a home to go Back to, but didnt lose your costums and invited the people you talked the most with, 18 people where kinda of a lot, but you made It clear you"ll cover dinner and a round of drinks, that they should bring some appetizers or desserts.

Even if It took you all morning you made dinner in time, and even had time to groom yourself a bit more, the mini party was going great

_ So what are you all doing for the holidays and new years ? Asked Kalim.

Some were excited, some weren't the pleased with the idea of spending the vacations with family

_ First we gotta pass the semester tho

_ Aw common Ace, dont make our Dorm look bad

_ Im not ! Im just saying the truth, not that i rather stay here than with the fam toasting frot the new year

_ you actually drink ?

_ obviously not ,but you know, It' a new years and its the tradition

_ that's a weird tradition_ replied jack

_ what do you mean weird ?

_ he means its the that its not traditional at sunset savannah_ butted in ruggie _ we normally have some festivals for the new season

You came back from the kitchen and the topic perked Up your interest, so you asked while serving plates with some help

_ you guys have agüeros ?

The question left the room silent

_ ague what

_ agüeros, special thingies for new year or festivities

_ like i said we have sum at home

_ queendom May note have, but the winter parade is pretty good _ commented Trey

_ Briar valley May not be as vivid but we do have our special day back home_ added Lilia

_ that most be nice, new year IS not that Big a deal undewater

_ quite to contrary for us, underworld takes It seriously

_ same for scalding sands !!!

seen you kept being interrupted you raised the voice a bit

_That's not what i meant, agüeros are more like Lucky charms for festivities, like holding a Horseshoe upside down for good luck

_ we get It potato, but seems like we dont have any

_ That's a shame, that's what i love most about winter season, some are fun.

_ fun ?

_ yeah, in my home theres a lot to manifiest things for your new Up coming year

_ tell me more Prefect _ plead Kalim

_ Well, theres this one, if you run around your block with a suitcase when the clock hits 12'clock in new years, you may travel Next year

_ that's sounds tots awesome, i might steal that one.

_ theres the jar one, Maybe the sands boys know It, you take a jar and fill It with rice, beans, other grains and top It with a strand of wheat and leave It at the dinner table so theres prosperity and abundance for the home

_ sorry, havent Heard of it

_ but It sounds fun ! We should try It jamil

_ ooh my mom always did the twelve grapes

_ twelve ? As in the months ?

_ Yep, you have to eat them minutes before midnight and make whishes

_ i dont get it

_ Do i have to baby explain It to you Ace ?

_ EXPLAIN YOUSELF BETTER.

_Its not that hard !! You have 12 grapes for 12 months, in new years before minutes before midnight, you eat a grape and make a wish until you finish them

_ does It work ?

_ i mean i dont like grapes, but it has worked for my mama

_ you sure do a lot for just a day

_ that's not half of It, my favorite its the underwear one

The explanation guided them to a groupal reaction, It was priceless, now you really caught them offguard

_ WHAT DO YOU MEAN UNDERWEAR, HUMAN !

_ Why would tha be your favorite ?!

_ Who would have said you were so weird herbívore

_ y"all better chill It, its a harmless costume, the tradition says in the day of new year, you wear a specific color of underwear to call for different Lucks, i think White for peace, red for romance and Green for friendship ? The only one in 100 sure is yellow undies are for getting Lucky with money. The other one, actually i think i have It done upstairs, be back in a minute. You left for a second

_ i"ll not tolerate bad table manners, clean your plates ! Im talking to you Trapolla

_ what do you mean me ??

You quickly came down running with a medium size doll, dressed in clothes that seamed like the Headmage's but torn apart ?

_ Prefect, that would'nt be ... Voodoo... is It ?

_ nono these is a Año viejo, or old year

_ then what does It do

_ you dress up a doll in old clothes, then burn It, along all the hardships of the year you had so you can start the new one fresh as a Lettuce. Normally It would be scarecrow sized but this small one works

_ Why the headmages clothes tho ?

_ im not answering that.

By the end of the night, they left with something learned, and something in mind.

¿ Which one should they do ?

Heartslabyul

Riddle: he is not the type to believe or make use of charms, even if he did he was at home, WITH HIS MOTHER, none the less he wantend to try the old year one, he really wanted to be better year by year, so he made AN excuse to do an errand when he sneaked off with Trey to burn a little doll, Even Chenya tagged on

Trey: The bakery is usually busy around holiday season, since they were easy, he put Up with his siblings the little jar and met Up with riddle

Cate: when he's home he's more close Up, even if since their older her sister's doesnt bother him as much he still has the habit of not doing ANYTHING to give them a reason to ridicule him. Still if he did, he would do the suitcase one

Deuce: since its just his mom and him the festivities are not that Big, but dor that same reason, this year he went and ran around the block with a suitcase, his wish Being able to have a nice vacation trip with his mother.

Ace: he tought about doing one, but he couldn't decide and his parents put him on dinner duty, ended up using red underwear, just in case

Savannahclaw

Leona: He doesnt have the time nor he cares about this charms, but the idea of simply burning away your bad experiences of the whole year had such a good ring to It he kinda consider it

Ruggie: after your explanation he carefully rectify his closet for yellow underwear, It would be a shame if It worked and he missed the chance. When he got home he took would he could, a left over of a bag of beans full fist of rice, and layer It in a cup, his granny asked him what was that and after he told her, she went for a little bit more of rice, they both really wished for abundance in their little home

Jack: He didnt really had much to choose from, he didnt want to burn something, his sibling can get hurt, grapes kinda felt bad for canines, so he opted for the suitcase one, when her little sister's an brother Saw him take off they ran after him, then they asked what was that about they whinned for not being told, both took a backpack and ran again.

Octavinille

Azul: even if the tried to be sneak, the twins Saw him leave to a trip for the mall and come back with a box from a cloth store, he really did went and bought the yellow boxers first thing

Jade & Floyd: Floyd wanted to do the old year one for the sole porpuse of burnin something bu they didnt allow him to, since Jade wanted to travel more he did the suitcase one, Floyd joined him and made It a race

Scarabia

Kalim & Jamil: being in the same House hold they had to accompany eachother.

Kalim told this fam and they kinda like the idea, the rooms were with vases filled with dry beans and stuff, and the al sims ordered grapes of every one. Namja was weirded by the subtle frown his brother had while eating the grapes as he made his 12 wishes

Pomefiore:

Vil & Rook: the day after the party, Rook gave the idea that both of them sid the grape one, knowing that was the only one he would do

Epel: first thing he did was told his grandma about the old year one, since he explain It a bit diffrently she like It and did the scarecrow as Big s they could

Ignihyde

Ortho & Idia: the younger one right a away did calculations to do every single one, a bit heart broken Idia told him that they might have to Settle down to at least 1, so they both picked the grape one.

Diasomnia

All of them:

Malleus wanted to do as many as he could but knowing It was a bit difficult, Sebek wasnt a fan of a human tradition buy Lilia still encorage him to pick some

they started by burning a small doll in a part of the Castle where no one would notice, they ate the grapes

all It took was Malleus making a comment about how he would like to to the suitcase one Cuz he also wished to be able to travel more, Next thing you ser see is Sebek running around for him

____________

Dont know if any latines would se this but i know my fellow latinas would get these one, kida should have done It before new years but better late than never

#twisted wonderland #twst ortho #twst x reader #twst vil #twisted wonderlandxreader #heartslaybul #savanaclaw #octavinelle #scarabia #pomefiore #ignihyde #diasomnia

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

#sorry if u know me and think this might be about you #not trying to like vaguepost abt them though i just dont even know if its worth bringing up. and i cant even rly communicate #i forget if my irl friend has a tumblr #its not your fault i feel like this though if anyone does read this #i just feel like i keep saying the same things in vents to friends and i want to stop bothering tgem

[britneyshakespeare]

last night i started rereading david copperfield. i've read so much new literature this year, i wouldn't say im "burnt out" but i feel like im cycling through things so fast that i... i dont know. i dont feel like i get to have them melt into me as satisfyingly as they used to although that might also be a product of how i feel about my overall *life* right now, idk. deep stuff but anyway.

i havent read a novel in almost four years. i have been too ashamed to pick them back up and i left off in the middle of the professor by charlotte bronte, which i always felt ashamed for being unable to finish. someday ill reread the beginning and finish it, but yadda yadda yadda i hate that nagging feeling that i HAVE to do something. reading should not feel like a chore. which is also how ive felt about my reading plays at such a quick rate this year. not that its a CHORE, like im not enjoying it, but like it's a daily task im distracting myself with to get some temporary pleasure and im cycling from one to the next at an almost monotonous rate. i can't keep living in my imagination like this. hiding from the world and pouring myself into new ones.

i always figured id want to reread david copperfield someday, too. it's one of my three favorite novels ive ever read (not that ive read SO many novels, but still). i think of it often. and i dont think of it like it's a highly literary or intellectual novel. i think of it like an old sitcom or a newspaper strip. like a victorian peanuts or full house. i've never forgotten a bunch of the characters' catchphrases and i've continued to slip them into conversation with people who don't understand them just to overly-explain a joke that only i'm really going to find funny. because that IS the kind of person i am.

ive only read the first four chapters so far. i just cant wait to get to aunt betsey's place, to be honest. i didn't even think about this part... this is the first novel i'm reading since i became an aunt. i never had a character in the book i related to *too* much; i had certain things in common with dora and i loved her, but we weren't one and the same. but my niece is only two and a half months old and i already feel like oh yeah. oh yeah i'd take this little girl in after she ran away from her abusive boarding school. i'd provide for this girl. i'd raise her with my neurodivergent friend that i live with. i would do ANYTHING for her.

#tales from diana #diana rereads david copperfield #may as well make that a tag now #two reasons i thought to reread david copperfield now: #besides as i mentioned i wanted to re-enjoy an old favorite bc ive been cycling through new things so much im getting tired #1) i was going through my old tag from when i reread sense and sensibility like two months after i read it the first time #(after i already went through my tagged/david-copperfield and relived my posts i made from when i first read it) #and i was like gosh it's really been five years EXACTLY since i first read it #i started it in november 2018 and finished in january 2019 #wow. like wow #and 2) ive mentioned it on here before but i keep thinking about mr. dick's affinity with king charles i #how i understand what he means now when he said all of king charles' sorrows were poured into his head #when charles was beheaded in 1649 #yeah it really is one of my favorite little novels of all time. so much charm and so many ppl in it to love #i told dan when i read it the first time 'i laughed. i cried. i got thrown into debtors prison' #he liked that #also after i read david copperfield the first time i started calling him dan'el. like dan'el peggotty is called #i never stopped doing that lol. #dan doesn't understand that i contain all of mary queen of scots' sorrows but thats ok #i didnt even think about it before reading it but yeah i am absolutely going to be my niece's aunt betsey #your sister betsey trotwood who disappointed me on the night of your birth

[sneakyspades]

ok yknow what im just gonna straight up vent about work rn bc i ran out of tags on the other post

its become such a fucking shitshow down there jesus christ i cannot fucking stand it anymore. communication doesnt exist, i dont even remember the last time back of house had a fucking meeting. the owner pushed for us to stay open during a blizzard where it was a wind chill of -40. i mean holy fuck, the city said dont travel unless its an emergency

i had issues on sunday that i wasnt sure about, but our chef was out of town doing a show with his band, and our sous chef was sitting at the bar in the restaurant a good 5 or 6 beers deep by the time i ran into this problem. i asked the other supervisor (who agrees with me that this is a shitshow) and he wasnt sure either so we straight up guessed

i only make 15 an hour despite having been there for a whole fucking year, because i only get supervisor pay when im clocked in as supervisor. which is a measly 8 of my 40 hours. but god forbid i dont act like a supervisor for all 40 hours

insurance is unsustainably expensive there. my coworker who makes 13.50 an hour takes home *more than i do per paycheck* at this point. and he works 32 hours! i havent taken home more than 750 a pay check since getting insurance! i used to be grossing 1000! IM LITERALLY PAYING 175 DOLLARS EVERY PAY CHECK! AND THATS ABOUT TO GO UP TO ALMOST 180 WHEN I TURN 27! im not making any fucking money! im not getting any savings!

not to mention they fucked up my insurance not that long ago! i was told at the doctors office and the pharmacy that i had zero coverage! but they were still taking money from my fucking paycheck for it! like holy fuck i shouldve talked to goddamn lawyer about that instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt!

i was 110% fine with making 15 an hour and doing nothing but pizzas. because the trade off was that i could cut out early, i could trade shifts, if i got sick it wasnt fucking everyone else over. but now i cant do any of that. i have to close on saturdays, dont get home and in bed until 1:30 some nights, and then have to get up and go do a 10 hour shift every sunday. every weekend! every fucking weekend! and im the only one that does that anymore! im not the only one doing a double on sunday, but im the only one who has to close the night before. and because im just exhausted by the end of a sunday, my mondays are practically wasted because im catching up on sleep!

i like. cant fucking do this anymore. i cant think of any reason why im still there. i could go worl at fucking sams club in the bakery, start at the same wage (if not more), have *less* responsibilities, be doing something i want to do, and they close at 8 every day. i dont think theyre even open on sundays!

why am i still working there? its not sustainable for me anymore. my body is fucked. its falling apart ahead of schedule. i cant even open my door in the morning because of carpal tunnel. im 26 and when i crouch down i cant always get back up. the other night my ankle just started popping every time i turned around. what am i doing? what am i doing. i dont know.

i dont even have energy left over to draw. or make stained glass. or even do a discord call. the last time i had an actual date with my partner was, what, like 4 fucking months ago? i dont have any energy left over. im using it all for a place that i dont enjoy working at anymore, and i know i wont get better hours. our sous chef has been here since the place opened and he only has night shifts. the only day he doesnt is sunday. which is 8am to 3pm.

our new hire has sunday-monday off. why cant i have that? i want a weekend day off. its not gonna happen in this industry. its not gonna happen in this kitchen. i cant do this for the next however many years,

[k00299935]

BRIEF THREE- MOVEMENT

Week 2- Painting

Painting series ~ "memories"

Feeling inspired by Anita Tango, I wanted to paint a few pictures that represented the memories and emotionsa spirit would encounter while on their journey through the afterlife. The spirits must confront all memories they made while on earth in order to move on, so this series represents just that.

"The inner child"

This peice represents childhood. Its mixed media and I had a lot of fun with it. The sweets are real and have been glued down, the numbers, stars and butterfly are stickers, the flowers are felt that I sewed onto the canvas, and the cat drawing was drawn on paper and stuck on using thumbtacs. I wanted this painting to feel nostalgic and a bit forlorning, to make one think about when times were simpler and the only things they had to worry about was what crayon they were going to use to draw a cat. I really love how this peice came out, and it has a lot of hidden little details that relate to my own childhood.

"Light"

I have often wondered what it would be like to feel no worry at all. With how difficult things have been for the past few months, this is a fantasy I have often. A day where I wake up with no anxiety at all, and carry no weight on my shoulders. I thought about times where I felt joyful with no worry, and my mind always went back to the beach. Last summer me and my freinds visited our dear freind Amy in Traelee and stayed at her student accomodation. That evening we decided to go to the beach. It was so beautiful. The beach was rather unknown so we had it all to ourselves and decided spontaniously to get into the water. It was absolutley freezing, but so exilerating. The waves were strong that day and crashed all around us, and we shrieked and laughed from how cold and wild it felt. In that moment it truly felt as if I had no worries. I felt completley light.

"Generational...."

I have moved around a lot. As a child I lived in an average semi-detatched house that we rented for about two years, then I lived in a farmhouse that was left to my grandfather by an old departed freind, then I lived with my grandparents (from my mothers side) before we moved countries, there are many more accomodatioms that I could list. The house I have ended up in however is my parents house, the one they built with my grandparents (from my fathers side) many years before they had children. The reference I used was an old picture from before the house was completley finished in which it snowed, it has never snowed at this house while I have lived here.

Bad things happen to everyone, Im certainley not unique in saying that while living in this house I havent faced hardships. I dont have a good relationship with my parents, this is something that has caused great pain for many years. Neither of my parents had good relationships with their parents either. It seems to be generational. While I never met the grandparents who build this house alongside my parents, it is poetic to me that three generations of......strained parental relationships have lived in this house. I can imagine the arguments that were had during the construction of this house, the tension, the anger. This house is almost a symbol of anger in a way. Last year my father realized he could use it as a weapon now that im 18, and he kicked me out. I slept on my freinds couch for a few nights, crying myself to sleep not knowing what to do or where I could go. I was allowed back after my mother got through to my father, but the house has remained a weapon ever since. He could kick me out again anytime he wants as the house is in his name, and he uses that against me. That is a cause of a lot of pain and anxiety. A lot has happened between me and my parents over the years, but getting kicked out solidified the fact that we will never have the idealized parent-daughter relationship that Im sure we all hoped to have. That hope has died, and can only be lived in my dreams.

"Those vibrant colours"

Despite being somewhat worldly with all the moving I did as a child, I only have a few favourite places. The beach, nightclubs, and the carnival. Ever since I was a child the carnivals were always my favourite part of summer. The energy, the excitment, the food, the rides, it all gave me so much joy. It still does, but for another reason now that I've grown up a bit. The colours. Colour is my favourite aspect of art. I am always trying to capture it in any way that I can, and last summer when I went to the carnival I must have taken about 50 thousand pictures if the lights that I saw eminating off the rides and stands against the night sky. Those bright colours were the most beautiful things I had seen in a long time. When I die I hope I get to revisit them.

[kindlyfunkn]

having a spat with my mom too about applying for jobs bc i turned down ONE thing she wanted me to go to despite the fact that it was a brand new establishment (as in, not opened yet currently) (scary), and fast food (i specifically said i dont want to work fast food again bc i want different experience)

so ive left her on read past few days she keeps asking about what jobs ive applied to and well! guess what! none! because between school, homework, and doing every god damn thing around the house i havent had the fucking time!! i havent seen any friends in months it feels like (i think once in january but it feels like 8 months ago how is it only the end of february), i cant ever relax, im stressed about how im going to pay my next tuition receipt bc im rapidly losing money and have applied to jobs everywhere since october with no responses and i cant get a loan, i feel like a servant in my own house, etc etc etc

headaches almost every day and i cant sleep and my heart is constantly going fast and time moves too fast i cant ever do any homework on time im too busy but i never leave the house i feel like driving a metal spike theough my head i hate my life right now

[imayhavebpd]

Some context: the rant below may be disturbing, I talk about my relationship that is not going too good at the moment and about my worsening mental health.

Im nb and queer, so is my partner.

Just had the biggest fight with my partner and now he wants to leave me. after 3.5 years. We are both severely mentally ill and he wants to give up on our relationship. He doesnt care anymore, he has been breaking my trust over and over for the past few months. Suspicious relationship with a friend, going to her house, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and staying the night multiple times. He even confessed to sleeping in her bed once because he "felt light headed" . Her calling him in the middle of the night because she needed comfort. Him being ready to drop everything at any given moment to come to her place. He told me that they have been joking about him cheating on me with her since her newest boyfriend is so similar to him. Couple days ago he told me that he has been smoking weed with her, despite it being illegal in the place we live in. Drugs (each and every one) scare me so much and he knows that and still when I told him that I felt betrayed and disturbed he started calling me conservative and close minded. For the record, I dont think there is anything wrong with using any kind of drug, I just wished he would say something before he started doing drugs with her (and now he talks about doing mushrooms because they have a mutual friend who tries to grow them in her house). He likes to bully and tease me, make me feel bad and says that hes just joking. He lied to me in the past and about something very important too. He has been hiding that thing from me for months and we lived together. His parents are walking all over me, abusing both of us, trying to get us kicked out of our flat, despite being very rich they dont support him financially in any way and since he cant or wont find a job it falls on me to take care of finance (that is rent, food, medicine, transportation). I am beyond tired, Im suicidal and he doesnt care. He just doesnt care anymore. My job is literally killing me and I havent quit yet because the only way we can live together is if I have it. I feel betrayed, I feel emotionally cheated on, Im so disappointed that he would break my trust just to smoke weed with that girl and her friends and have fun.

The thing is.

I love him beyond words. I missed him before we knew each other. We are each others first partners, we are just 20 and we met in high school. Im autistic, and I really cant create deep relationships with other people. I dont know why, I just dont feel that way about the vast majority of people. Before I met him I felt lonely for all my life, there were people around me but no one understood me and they never felt like companions to me. We have been through hell together and its not the first time its bad. Almost every time it goes the same way, I want to fight for our relationship and he wants to leave, says that he doesnt love me anymore, that he doesnt feel anything. Now I lay in our bed, he is in the other room and I wait for him to come and talk to me.

He once crawled into our bed besides me and whispered that he could kill me if he wanted to, since he a lot taller and stronger than me. I never thought too much of it, but always it felt kinda weird.

Im not a good person, I told him that I want to kill myself and when he didnt want to talk earlier I asked what would happen if I left and didnt come back. He says that Im emotionally blackmailing him and he probably is right. I dont know, I have let so many things slide with him. I was screaming and crying and begging and he has been packing his stuff and ignoring me. And then I hit him. On his arm, not to hurt him but I know it was wrong. I wanted him to stop ignoring me but what I did is the worst thing I could have done. He said that this is probably the end as Im in his words "in the worst place mentally that I have ever been in". I cried all night, I cant sleep or eat, Im not thirsty, I just want the pain to stop. I want to hurt myself, I want him gone from my life, I want him to love me and care about what he has done to me, I want him to admit that he has ruined our relationship. I dont know who he is, he is a stranger to me but we have been together for all my life. I love him to death, I want to spend my life with him, I never want to see him again. He is still here, he has been taken away by his new friends and soon probably lovers and he has been taken away by himself and what is left I dont recognise.

Ive always invested more in this relationship, allowed hin to cross my boundaries when it made him happy untill I didnt have any left. I accept him, I love him, Im always there for him, he takes things out on me and I just continue to support him. I help him with his art and studies, I paint his nails and help him with anything he wants or needs help with. I allow him to run different psych. tests on me as he needs them for his studies, I give him my time and attention. Still, he is disgusted with my emotions, made me feel dirty by repeately telling me that I stink for over a month (and then admitted that I dont, he just thought it was a funny joke), told me that my anger is evil and pathological and that I should never feel it. He hates my body, hates that I have a human body and that Im not made out of glass and silicone and plastic. He doesnt kiss me on the lips and he finds my afab genitals to be extremly gross.

I lost so much in the past month, Im scared for my life. I lost a job opportunity that would have been perfect for me, and then I lost even more job opportunities. I may have lost my flat, I will probably have to move out untill the end of april. And now I have lost my boyfriend.

I know how it all sounds, but this is a vent and there is much more good than bad, we have loved each other deeply for a long time now.

#rant #personal vent #depresjon #tw bpd vent #tw toxicity #tw mentally ill #mental illness #anxienty #sewer slide

[villanevehaus]

this is out of the blue (whats new) but just out of pure curiosity if you have opinion(s) on portrait of a lady on fire i would very much like to hear them. I just rewatched it for the first time in like 6 months and every time i rewatch i turn into a rabid shell of my former self.- letterboxdanon!!

omg hello letterboxd anon my beloved ♡ i havent seen it since around when it came out (watched it twice!) so i can only really speak on what i remember. ive been meaning to rewatch tho so maybe this will inspire me... ANYWAYS! (also i dont remember the character names so im just gonna use the actresses names oops).

i love it for what it is; a love with a predetermined end. no matter how much they could potentially fight it, they simply cannot escape the reality that they can't be together beyond the portrait being painted. i love that theyre aware of it and that after they accept it, they take what they can while they can. i love that this also applies to the abortion piece of the movie: it has to be the way that it is. i love the relationship that develops between all three of the women when left alone- sharing tasks, eating together, playing games, etc. i love that an appearance of a man at the end is literally a jumpscare. i love that in essence, the inescapable (the time period, the rigidity of social norms, the male action defining the female consequence, the structure between servant and hired contractor to lady of the house) is escaped for just a little bit. it feels so relaxed and then you're snapped back into the reality of... everything; the portrait has been painted, it's time to go.

it's gorgeous, obvs- the shot of noémie's character sitting nude in front of the fireplace. the shot of noémie & adéle in red and green dresses, faces obscured by their embrace. the shot of adéle sprinting to the cliffside and wobbling on her feet. the body hair, the natural faces, the clothing that's neither pristine nor perfect (save for that curated, emerald dress). and the sea, oh you know how much i love the sea!

it's been talked about to death but the scene before their first kiss, with the veils? boy howdy i die. yes obviously it's indicative of consent (im taking off my veil, you may kiss me) but i also feel it can be so much more than that, or another shape, almost: im taking off my veil, are you taking off yours? im taking off my veil, may i kiss you? im taking off my veil, please kiss me. im taking off my veil so that you can see me- if you take off your veil, you are letting me see you. i want you, and i want you to want me, look me in the eyes as i sway a little closer.

i also love! the end! working under that same "our reality does not allow for us to be together" mentality, it's just very!!! adéle has gotten married, had a child, and had another portrait painted. you see it and your heart sinks with noémie's a little despite knowing that that was inevitable... but then! the page number! all these years have gone by and she still wanted that tiny little number there for the only other person in the world that it means anything to, on the off chance that noémie would see it- because she still loves her. yes, we have aged, yes i have married, yes i have had a child, yes, it has been years since we last spoke, and yes, i still treasure this drawing of you, by you- the only image of you that i have outside of my memory- that's nestled in the book we shared. maybe i read it and think of your voice, maybe i don't, but know that i think of you often.

adéle has no way of knowing if it's recieved, but it's the only thing that she can give, so she does. if noémie sees it, she will know- and she does, so she does.

and the ending scene at the SYMPHONY... i see a lot of people saying they wish that adéle had looked over and seen noémie and i think had i been younger (i say at the ripe age of 24, having seen the movie at 20) i would agree, but i don't. for the length of the entire piece of music, adéle is allowed to openly express what's buried in those notes: noémie, always noémie, and the first piece of real music that she gave her. this music is tied to everything noémie, how she described the orchestra behind that simple piano tune, and it's here that she's able to feel close to noémie by proxy. i used to play in an orchestra and have been to several live symphony/opera shows, and have always found that the enormous reverberation of all those instruments can often feel like a catharsis for a hurt that lies outside of the performance hall. adéle weeps, smiling, because she feels her again.

it would be cruel, i think, to have them see one another across a room and still be in love, still unable to do anything about it, and still have to leave alone. it's unfortunate, of course, but it's realistic for the time- just like their love.

tldr: that quote that's like "no love, no matter how small, is wasted"? yeah.

anyways i hope u enjoyed this it got so much longer than i thought it might oh my god

#letterboxd anon #asks #why yes i think i will be rewatching soon #letterboxd anon have u seen its in the water 1997 #its SO camp and silly but also like... THE... i have too many feelings #i can post my letterboxd review of it on here maybe #ps i watched tár and nope and suspiria 1977 recently dyou have any thoughts on those #portrait

[garfisded]

Reverse

The school of the philly, a small town in germany was it? i cant remember anyways the story is from the russian invasion of germany. It was the final push to berlin and was a small town so the russian commander sent a small patrol to it and focused on berlin borders. The patrol was after the first concentration camp was discovered by the russians so they had orders to look for hidden jews in basements and roofs yk so they could free any jews in hiding or find any accounts of the german occupation. The main important positioning of this town also gave suspicion that it may have been an important position having intel they suspected so but couldnt put in larger forces in the town since yk they had to make sure if there was any intel it wasnt immediately destroyed by the nazis like they usually would it was supposed to be a normal simple sneak mission to find and take the main office and then clean up and find out if there were any jews hidden.the head lead of the small patrol was an old commander experienced but yk expendable so it was no loss if the cunt died. The russians commander hated this guy he was a lil rebel. The homie also hated jews cause well jews hogged all the money and werent the commies against the gain of wealth? He and one of his best went into survey the town and figure out its roads to get to know what to go for first. It was day so they had to be extra careful and focus on nt being spotted. The village looked just like the map but the main building of the town centre looked very worn out. The map was a rough sketch from a hostage they captured a while ago. He was a little reluctant, and when we gave him the reward of being a POW instead of being shot twice once in both heads he agreed. It was a little too easy but this was nothing the old russian commander was eager to join the main campaign so he wanted a quick and easy . If he couldnt ensure that he wanted a quick death. They started walking, The town was three adjacent houses of similar size and work on either side, the main building at the apex of it was big enough to be a mansion but it looked warn out as if it had been already in a fight. You could see many bullet holes inside and the other two houses looked empty and havent been touched. they looked covered in dirt but there had been no wind for a week and it was unheard of, a wind gust powerful enough to lift that amount of dirt in the middle of the german winter. The russian quickly gathered his troops and knowing there position, he made them fix gasoline tanks behind the six house rigged to explode to a a trigger with the commander at all times. He concluded that since the six houses looked untouched for months there may be a few jews in hiding and the main building was the one being used as house of operation for the nazis. They quickly took positions, three in front, two on either side, and six behind the mansion. the commander joined his comrade on the left to show the new guy he accompanied how its done. They all synched clocks and readied there gun, they counted down to the the decided time as the sun went down. They heard many voices, it almost sounded like too many as if the mansion was overcrowded almost, the commander now happy knew he hit jackpot. He and the rookie both looked excited. They exchanged glances as they heard a few silenced words, not suppressed but silenced like their voice was being choked not their necks but their voice itself being choked 'They are here ready yourselves'. They both looked panicked but the commander knew better and dismissed it as jews being choked to death and calmed the rookie down making sure he doesnt do something stupid. The time finally came and they were ready it was like clockwork as they knew this routine since their third training camp. The rookie first checked the window then opened it using a small tool, the next were two flashes from both entries in the front and end. And then everyone ran in. Both were greated with confusing glances as they stared at the other three squads. The mansion was empty as it had just been built. The room was all black the very black of night was inside. The furniture too was black but unlike the walls it was all ash. The Whole room felt heavenly, unable to feel life or death. It was like being possessing your body but you having control over every single function in your body from your heart beating to nerves feeling. Every action was felt and every action was thought. And then it wall stopped. It was back to the exchanged glances of confusion. They started there search for jews as they knew there was no fucking germans here. The floor above was easy to see and dark but everytime he looked at the feelings of everything he just felt returned. He sent a soldier in to look around above as he cleared the floor for any traps both doors or tripwires. The whole floor was done but the one soldier he sent up wasnt done. Seemingly he found a lot of bodies and was prolly in shock he sent another more experienced soldier to take control of the work. He walked outside to investigate the three houses. The Nine of them left outside picked houses and the two left stayed in the mansion. He himself picked the one farthest from the mansion to the left. The first room was a small but comfortable one, something you would wish for living in poverty. He did the whole routine checking the floor for traps of both kinds and checking everything for logs or intel. Then next came the backyard. it was a small vineyard if he was being generous but he checked the bushes well and left to check the house again. He went in and no one answered his calls. He called for them again. He then got the rookie and the other 4 out of their houses to check on them, as he was scared to go in again. The experience was freaky but he was fine with going through it again. And up they went. He wasnt exhausted but everystep felt like he was walking through dense mud every step harder and harder he was falling in a quick sand but instead of going down or falling he was going up, instead of the feeling of walking he was stuck. He was walking the action was performed but the feeling of it wasnt there. It was suffocating but he pulled through. reaching the door frame the door was broken in but he couldnt remember the sound of his soldier breaking in the door, or maybe it had already been broken into. The roof felt like sunshine, the feeling of life pouring in the warmth too. but as soon as he looked around it was just blood. The warm blood felt like warmth and the huge fire contained in the corner felt like sun shine. The five following him gone no trace but the smell of liquor on one of the soldiers. The commander kept hoping it would go back to normal like it did before in the room below. He felt no sadness or fear after this realization he was at ease trying to figure out the illusion. Was it some herb the cooks used that may have had some kind of poison in it. He finally looked around the room was the color of blood, not bright red fresh from bullet wounds he was used to but the red so dark that it was a shade from black but not quite it, at once glance it was the dark red the next it was ashen grey may it be momentarily. He took a step forward but his feet moved backwards but this was a tug and he was dragged through the stairs. He hit his head on the first step them the blood came on the second. The third was broke his skull the next 10 steps were steeper but uneven, so every step hit a different part as his skull opened up. By miracle or coincidence the last step that did the deed. He lost any sense of vision by the third second of him being off the stairs. He knew it was either death calling or he will be back to the roof door with his five soldiers. The feeling of blood gushing out his head and the wooden floor under his open skull and broken nose felt like sandalwood. He only felt his heartbeat the next second only the the vibration of it. He then felt the beat stop and instead on expanding and squishing down, it kept expanding. Every regular heart beat was replaced by boom and the pressure of air being filled in the heart pushing it to its limit and exploding. But At its limit it returned back to the normal size and it was back to expanding and expanding going to its limit and then resizing. All sense of time was gone. As a soldier he counted down every beat even as every gush of air flowing in was like a dagger in at every millimeter of the surface of the heart. He suddenly exhaled, as his lungs filled in with fresh air. He opened his eyes to the russian factory he worked at. A normal day before the war, but instead of feeling suffocated by the steam of machines every hot steam bath felt as cold as dew in the morning. He got off work and back to his single bed quarter. He drank some hot water as the russian winter was ruthless. Every day the radio told of the advancement of the german troops in the war as their war towards the french front to the final hours. He slept early he was tired of everything. Working everyday at the factory felt no different to then in the trenches of the german empire the world war before the new revolutionary party. As soon as the sleep hit he was flooded with the details of everything he just experienced in the present. The knife's turned to blood as he felt the blood rushing back. He inhaled as breath came back to him. He woke up in the house but instead of being alone the house was flooded by russian soldiers. The head quickly asked him for a brief even though he just woke up injured hurting. The head officer a young man, asked again this time in a softer tone so as to ease the geezer but again no words came out. The head explained how they came after hearing a great explosive and saw the flames from five kilometers away. The geezer still unable to speak understood nothing the russian spoke. The language was reversed just like his vision left was right, right was left.

[intomybubble]

Um

#desiree talks #weight talk / #so like i havent left the house since almost a month #and ive lost about 4 pounds since then and idk how to feel about that #i dont think i havent been eating enough...

[arosebyan0thername]

TW in the tags for animal neglect, abuse, and death

#tw: animal abuse #tw: animal neglect #tw: pet death #my mom has always neglected animals #ive known this even as a child when she kept our little /purebred/ bichon frise (i think) in a crate for literally most of her life #and when she was breeding chinchillas and would keep 3-4 in a small cage at a time and offer them minimal enrichment #and go weeks without dust baths and months without deep cleans #and kept them on the third floor in the hottest room of the house with only a window unit a/c during summer #so when that died and she hadnt checked on them for almost two whole days #about half of them died too bc it was well over 95° and they can get heatstroke at like 85° #has not gotten better now that she lives on a farm and has way more animals #for one thing the chinchillas (or rather whats left of their offspring) are now in the barn #so just completely outdoors so when it gets over 95° in the summer idk what she does about that #and it's too humid for them here so theyre all greasy looking and she doesnt give them dust baths hardly at all anymore #i havent seen her clean a single enclosure since i moved here four and a half months ago #its possible shes done it while i was at work #but doesnt look likely #certainly not a deep clean and also she really should be doing daily maintenance anyway #shes got a whole colony of outdoor cats who she vaccinates but doesnt always fix so theres always more of them #(and i think it was on here that i mentioned the time tom was drunk and (huge tw) dropped a whole fridge on a kitten) #she rarely ever cleans out the duck pond and there are too many of them for the size of their enclosure #(think less pond and more large kiddie pool) #the doves outside are fine but the ones in the house are in a cage way way way too small for even just a parakeet #same with the cockatiels. there are three adults and just today a baby died bc one of the females wanted the nest and broke the baby's beak #so it couldnt eat on its own and the mom stopped feeding it #their cage is also nasty and underenriching - same with the parakeet #there were a bunch of guinea pigs in a tiny dirty cage when i first moved in and i honestly have no idea what happened to them #they were literally just gone one day and my mom avoided the subject so ???? #like they were all alive one day and then the next day the cage was empty so idk if they were all sold or killed or released or whT #maybe the cats finally got to them bc their enclosure was not very sturdy