Tumgik
#so much thought went into it i swear
lilyharvord · 6 months
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I need people to understand that my hyperfixation ships are limited to one thing: a man who is usually in full control of himself meeting 1 woman and losing complete and utter control over absolutely everything he does.
I just like to watch when they go full feral for a woman who could literally chew them up and spit them out, but choses to let them stick around because I don't know, it's nice to have someone carrying their bag or whatever.
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hakusins · 20 days
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procrastinating on my work and was thinking of m!whitney and promise rings. like im quite sure whitney couldn't give a rat's ass about promise rings and would never spend money on one. you're gonna lose the damn thing in a week, why should he spend hard-earned money on one?
but then i thought of it a bit more and realize he's gonna eventually come around, just not in the way you'd expect. because he's still not gonna spend on something you're going to lose, so he decided to give you something more permanent. uses a fucking hot iron tool thing(?) to just engrave the indent of a ring onto your ring finger. pushes the tool down harder when you start tearing up and crying from the pain.
kisses it when its still fresh and stinging, offers little aftercare, after all it's supposed to be painful for you.
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pyrriax · 3 months
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hi tumblr im pyrr pyrriax and im in my trimonthly artist arc, lord help me and all the projects that are currently sitting in my drafts while i am lured in by the siren song of drawing
#haunted ecosystem#this is not helping with how much my hands hurt on a daily basis this is why i type and dont handwrite/draw very much.#im lured in regardless and i really need to find an artform that doesnt Hurt but for now. digital art <3#like theres a difference between my dumb doodles (quick easy not much different from regular computer usage) and actual art#but im an artist at heart i spent sooooo long being an artist and thinking i was shit at writing. that is wrong! im actually kinda good#im rambling in tags today because i have been not social (my partner is in genshin hell and my beloved is. somewhere.)#okay but on another note i reread the first. couple chapters of wtds this morning? the pacing is a little weird and the tense is fucked#but its actually a lot better than i thought it was? you can tell i was fleshing everybody out in my head and i totally forgot about how#i described the watcher [who i am STILL redacting the name of until we get there] and just. ough. pandora being very logical#and then jumping to the latest chapter and fucking sobbing because i forgot about how it went and just. pandora and his.#whatever the fuck is wrong with him.#i have gotta start recommending people read that again. its surprisingly friendly without context because of how i approached it#that fic has taught me so many things its actually a little comical. it also made me relearn how to make and write ocs so thats fun#once i finish that main fic (and i WILL i am actually planning to sign up for a thing. im finishing it i swear.) i finally get to show off#more of the world and characters ive crafted. showing backstories and what-ifs and all these oneshots ive been keeping close to my chest#for like absolutely ages because i dont want any spoilers on my tumblr#and. im finishing that fic in pseudo-memoriam of somebody who deleted their accounts everywhere. still miss you dane!#ok this has completely gone off topic ily tumblr im going back to drawing and i might make a new pfp#it'll still be lavius but it'll be fray lavius since i think about him a lot and i like his color palette.
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the-converse-high-top · 2 months
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that was a fun way to find out my makeup was water resistant :)
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themyscirah · 9 months
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When you KNOW. WHEN YOU KNOW. that a character is going to be horrifically and brutally murdered for NO REASON other than misogyny and manpain and a ~tragic backstory~ but you STILL YOU STILL get attached to her because she is ambitious and brave and wonderful and forgiving and resourceful and JUST PLAIN COOL and well rounded because she feels like a normal person while also being SO interesting and bringing such a cool vibe to the story so you get attached anyways!!!!! Because this is such a cool interesting female character! And you KNOW you KNOW what they're going to do to her but the optimist in you says that'll probably happen farther down the line, she's so cool and they have such a good thing going and THEN. AND THEN. Seven issues after her first appearance, AFTER FIVE APPEARANCES (one of which is a single panel) they kill her. And you knew it was bad, that it was really, really, bad but it still managed to be worse than you imagined.
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mitamicah · 8 months
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Freaky story time:
I have gotten this new bright red bike recently while also having another bike I still use from time to time. My appartment building have a locked basement for bikes so only the people living in the building can enter. 
I decided to take my old bike to group (a new group begun today). When arriving home from group I wanted to just put my bike away for a while and go up to chill for 2,5 hours before having to go to the first choir practice of the season. Although when I went down to the basement I found that one bike, the red one, was gone. 
Me being late then had to take the elevator 5 floors up again (my old bike didn’t have any lights on) to get some lights, riding the old bike to practice while cursing all the way about what the hell happened with the red bike and what to do about it. After choir practice however when I went down in the basement again the red bike was back, safe yet unlocked.
I swear it was not there when I went! But now here it was?
I feel like I am going slightly crazy :’D
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ALRIGHTY here’s day 2! A day late bc my WiFi was absolute Garbage yesterday- it’s fixed now!
Warnings: Drugged whumpee? Sort of? (Hospital pain meds), conditioned whumpee, he is in the hospital, also he’s like. Kinda delirious I think? Idk the meds are messing with his head, also he’s Not Happy about the fact he’s on them, people being suspicious of Caretaker because of scars (whumpee sets the facts straight before anything happens though)
Day 2: Sweat Brain Fog
The Meeting Arc Part 2
~~~~~
It’s too bright.
Volo squeezes his eyes back shut the moment they open with a quiet groan.
The world feels.. weird. He feels weird.
Almost dizzy..?
Thinking feels weird too.. fuzzy..
Yeah. Fuzzy’s a good way to describe how he feels right now. And tired.
So, so very tired..
He wakes up again, squinting against the light.
Oh, I’m somewhere unfamiliar..
Where are my..
Where. Where are they. Where are my Pokémon.
He moves to try to sit up.
Oh, his head’s spinning.
His whole body feels.. heavy.. exhausted..
So exhausted..
Pokémon. Right, he needs to find his Pokémon-
There’s a tube in his arm?
Hospital?
Why am I.. What hospital am I in..
He clumsily pokes at his watch, squinting at the screen, trying to see the time, date, and location.
It’s so blurry..
Okay. Giving up on that.
“Hello?” He calls out. “Hello? Is anyone there?”
Someone pokes his head in. A nurse, probably? “Oh, you’re awake!” The nurse hurries over, gently pushing him back to the bed. “Here, lay back down.”
Each word makes his head swim. He’s tired, everything is fuzzy, and it takes him a minute to figure out what the guy said. “Mmkay.. where are my Pokémon..?”
The nurse frowns. “..There’s a guy in the lobby. He might know, but before we let you talk to him, we have some questions to ask.”
All Volo got out of that was someone’s in the lobby. Something about questions. “..who..?”
“His name is Cheri Jennings.”
Volo lets out a sigh of relief.
Okay. Cheri has his Pokémon. He doesn’t know Cheri very well, but Cheri saved him, right? And whatever Cheri wants with him, he trusts that they’ll be taken care of, for now, at least- if Cheri’s trying to gain his trust, anyway.
They’re okay..
So exhausted..
His eyes slip closed again.
Time passes for him like the blink of an eye, and when he wakes up again, someone else is in the room, checking machines by his bed. She looks over as he moves.
“Hello. Can you understand me?”
“Um..” Volo nods.
He’s a little more awake now. Everything still feels so fuzzy, though. He’s also tired, exhaustion running bone-deep, and he makes no move to get up this time. “..Where am I?”
“Okay.” The lady takes a deep breath. “..You’re in the Eterna City Hospital. You were brought here by Cheri Jennings. He said the two of you were attacked by a strange man with powerful Pokémon, is that right?”
Volo thinks for a moment. Remembering takes so much energy- but he does. “Mmh.. Yes, that’s what happened. We were.. we were fighting someone horrible, and..” He shakes his head. “..I.. got hurt..? And I remember him carrying me..” He shakes his head. “He had ice on his arm, is he okay?”
“He’s okay. ..I have another question.”
Volo nods.
“Was he the one who made the.. well.” The nurse shifts uncomfortably.
Oh. “You saw those..?” Ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach, Volo shakes his head. “N.. no, he didn’t make those.. is he here right now..?”
The nurse nods. “Yes, he’s in the lobby. ..who-”
“It doesn’t matter, but, um.. It wasn’t him, can.. Can you let him in here..? Please?”
The nurse thinks for a moment, then sighs, nodding. “I’ll bring him in.”
Volo nods, eyes slipping closed.
When they open again, Cheri’s asleep by his bed, though Cheri quickly wakes up when Volo moves.
“Hey,” he says, taking Volo’s hands in his.
Volo flinches. He can’t help it, yanking himself away from contact as if another person’s sudden touch is a hot coal.
Most people avoid touching him, pull away quickly once he flinches. But Cheri keeps his hands open.
And Volo reaches forward, letting Cheri hold his hands.
It’s been so, so long since he’s felt a comforting touch.
“..you saved my life,” he murmurs. “..why? What do you have to gain, by having this power over me?”
“What power?” Cheri shakes his head. “What are you talking about??”
“You saved my life,” Volo repeats. “So it now belongs to you.”
“..that’s.. Kinda a fucked way of thinking about it, don’t you think?” Cheri shakes his head, looking away. “Think about it as me repaying an old favor. My siblings and I would’ve been left with next to nothing if you hadn’t helped us when we were banished, you know?”
“..hm.” Volo nods, lightly squeezing Cheri’s hands. “I guess that makes sense. ..still.. Why save me? I don’t deserve it after the rift.” He shakes his head. “I hurt you, didn’t I? Are you trying to hurt me back?”
Cheri blinks a few times. “No? Why would I want that? Look, I know you’ve had it rough for a while, but I can promise you I don’t want to hurt you.” Cheri’s tongue glows as he makes the promise, and then magic wraps around the two of them.
Locking the promise in..?
..Volo looks away.
Then.. it’s true, he really DOESN’T want to hurt me.
“..why..?” Volo asks again. “I’m.. worthless now. There’s nobody left I can save, nothing else I can do to control the damage. I’ve apologized to almost everyone I can, I’ve hurt, I’ve bled, I’ve cried and I’ve broken over it, and now I’m worth nothing.” He lets his eyes slip closed, starting to feel uncomfortable with how much he’s shared, but it’s already out there, he might as well finish the thought. “There’s nothing more I can do but suffer. And I am so tired of suffering for it all. That’s selfish, I know, I don’t deserve death’s release, but I’m tired.”
Oooohhh no. Cheri’s mouth hangs open for a moment. “Volo.. what.. the hell are you talking about?”
Volo shakes his head, pulling Cheri’s hands to his face so he can hide behind them. After a moment, one of Cheri’s hands let go.
Volo’s disappointment is short lived, because Cheri’s hand is in his hair next, gently brushing his bangs back over his left eye.
Oh, right, that exists. He hadn’t even noticed it wasn’t covered. His skin feels.. odd, not very sensitive..
“..hey.. Volo? ..What are you talking about?”
Cheri’s voice is so soft. So gentle, so full of worry, of concern..
Tears start to slip down Volo’s face. “I- I can’t.”
Cheri frowns. “..Is this about Eclipse? What.. what did he do..?”
“..He hurt me,” Volo whispers, hiding behind his hands. “Very badly.”
And he was kind at first too. Held me, took care of me, and I thought he was the one person in the world who hadn’t just wanted to use me.
What a foolish thought.
..he was kind at first, just like this. He said he would protect me, and he did. Nobody else could hurt me but him- this situation feels all too familiar.
But where Eclipse had no right to do what he did..
I DID hurt Cheri and his family.
“..you can too, if that’s what you kept me alive for,” he murmurs. “You must want to, it’s the only thing that makes sense.. You were hurt by me, and now you want your turn to give me my just desserts for it.”
“…Volo… What the fuck.”
Volo peeks between his fingers after a moment- oh. Cheri looks.. genuinely horrified at that idea. “..you.. really don’t want to hurt me? Not at all?”
“Why in the ever-loving fuck would I-” Cheri pulls his hands away, taking a deep breath. Volo flinches, hiding behind his hands again.
When he looks again, Cheri’s just.. staring. There’s a lot of emotions on his face, most of all a deep sadness.
“..He really, really hurt you,” Cheri murmurs.
Volo looks away. “..I know,” he says, trying to laugh even though it isn’t funny-
He’s crying. Why is he crying?
Cheri sighs, moving closer and opening his arms.
Volo hesitates.
If I trust, I’ll only get hurt. This’ll only hurt me in the end.
But after a few moments, Volo moves to Cheri anyway, careful of the medical equipment and pushing through the spots in his vision from sitting up. He’s cautious, slow.
Cheri’s arms wrap around him, and he feels so safe, so protected, and oh, this is worth whatever pain it’ll bring him later. Hiding his face in Cheri’s chest, Volo starts to shake with silent sobs.
“He..” Cheri sighs. “He’ll never hurt you again. Okay? You’re not gonna be hurt again, not by me or anyone else. Not if I have anything to say about it,” Cheri murmurs. “I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere, you’re okay, you’re gonna be okay.”
“I- I don’t de-eserve to be okay,” Volo sobs out. “I should be hurting. Why aren’t I hurting? I’m-” He pulls back, pulling at his hospital gown, seeing the bandages.
His skin feels weird, and dread starts to pool in his stomach. “I’m.. I’m hurt, why don’t I feel it, why don’t I-”
“Drugs.” Cheri doesn’t move to hold him again, though he keeps his arms open.
Oh. Oh, that explains the.. Everything.. Volo takes a moment to calm himself down.
“Hey..” Cheri moves to tap his shoulder, then thinks better of it, pulling back and making his voice slightly louder. “Hey.” After a few moments, Volo looks up again. “..What if I think you deserve to be okay?”
Volo thinks for a moment. “..You’re wrong.” He’s too tired to think of why.
Cheri shakes his head, opening his mouth to say something else, but then a nurse comes in.
“Hey, you shouldn’t be moving around so much!” Getting Volo to lay back down, the nurse looks over at Cheri. “Why didn’t you tell him to stop?”
Cheri grimaces, pushing back the immediate urge to defend himself. I’m fine, she’s not attacking me. “I didn’t know he couldn’t move. I’m just a visitor.”
“Right. Sorry.” The nurse checks a few things. “Make sure he doesn’t do that again, there’s a few reasons he shouldn’t be moving right now. We’ve tracked the attack back to a very powerful Pokémon, and honestly, he shouldn’t even be awake right now, let alone moving- he’s very lucky, he must’ve been hit with a weaker version of the attack than usual.”
Oh! That’s good news! Cheri nods. “I’ll make sure he holds still.”
“Thank you.” Finishing with her checks, she turns to hurry off. Cheri watches as she leaves, then turns back to Volo, eyes softening as he does. “..So.. Can I get you anything, or..?”
I feel so helpless here.. “..My Pokémon,” Volo murmurs. “Let them out.”
“They’re at the Pokémon center, I don’t have them right now. ..Sorry.” Speaking of which, I need to go pick them up soon..
“Oh..” Well, that’s disappointing, but. At least he knows they’re okay and somewhere safe. He ignores the part of him that screams it’s a lie, the part of him that screams he needs to leave, to go find them.
It’ll only hurt me to trust.
Volo stares at the wall for a few moments.
..He ignores that side of his mind despite his better judgement, reaching for Cheri again. Desperate for a kind touch he hadn’t felt in years.
Cheri scoots closer to Volo, gently resting his hand across Volo’s chest- away from the injury, of course. Volo’s body twitches with an involuntary flinch, but he hums, wrapping his arms around Cheri’s.
Cheri studies Volo’s face for a moment, his yellow eyes staring into Volo’s soul, a look Volo’s quickly become familiar with in the time they’ve spent together. “..Do you cuddle them to sleep, or..?”
Volo nods. “..I.. don’t know if I’ve slept alone a day in my life. I’ve always had.. um.. At least an egg, Toge as an egg..” He shakes his head, humming quietly as Cheri moves a little closer. “..thank you,” he murmurs.
“Don’t mention it.” Cheri rests his chin on the side of the bed, still watching Volo.
Under Cheri’s protective gaze, Volo lets himself relax. “..tell them to.. um.. lower the pain meds.. I hate feeling like this,” Volo mumbles.
“It’s gonna hurt like a bitch,” Cheri warns.
“Please. Please. I.. um..” Volo’s eyelids are heavy, but he opens his eyes anyway, staring at Cheri with a pleading look. “I have to be able to, to think. Please.”
Cheri stares back for a moment, then sighs, eyes softening as he nods. “I’ll.. see what I can do.”
Volo nods, eyes slipping closed again as he breathes a quiet sigh of relief. “Thank you,” he mumbles, relaxing into Cheri’s touch.
“Of course,” Cheri murmurs. “..Get some sleep. You need it.”
Volo nods, and Cheri watches as, slowly, his breathing evens out.
It isn’t long before Cheri’s asleep too.
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djchik · 1 month
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This was back in February. I had to make this original piece for painting class after we learned about the Harlem renaissance! My teacher really loved it and if I’m going to be honest, I really love it too and a part of me wants to start a short story about the lady and the four guys.
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haknom · 1 year
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so um
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Fine, I'll do it myself
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lavenoon · 1 year
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(What if too tired for work, but not too tired for fanfic?) XD But seriously, I’m taking advantage of the fact that I can no longer focus on assignments to be able to read the latest chapters! And boooooooy do I have thoughts! Ok, ok, so first of all, man did Moon take the brunt of that reveal huh? Not only realizing what’s been going on, but now questioning his whole relationship with the Robin he thought he knew. I’m sure their complaints were more annoyed at first, but surely Sun may also have exaggerated a liiiiitle how bad the “coworker” was actually perceived when he told Moon about it, based on how we know Sun has also felt a pang of jealousy when y/n did speak fondly of him. But I can definitely see how Moon needed the space, (even if it actually might have made it worse just spiraling in his thoughts). And then also Sun! Because he’s so, so afraid that y/n wouldn’t see him as the sweet guy that they kinda went on a date with and have been building a closer relationship with, (which I mean, fair assumption, we saw how the ruthlessness went in reverse au even if it was due to have it directed AT them, which canon Sun wouldn’t do at this point). These guys are a combined ball of anxiety and fears. And omg, poor Robin. You have mentioned before that they didn’t use to hang out with anyone before and that they generally didn’t get along with most coworkers, so I suspected they were already a very lonely person (and pretending they could handle it fine) before they met the boys, but wow, this really highlights how much that was the case. They’re very concerned about Moon, and while they themself have disappeared before, they probably felt something was off about this time. And then to come back to find out their neighbor who maybe possibly went on a date with them just the day before is obviously avoiding them? Sun and Moon at least had each other to reassure themselves that everything would be fine when their landlord/rival disappeared . Robin had no one. And knowing how sweet Sun was towards them probably only made them think that whatever they did was a grave offense. So their rival could be dead and they wouldn’t know, and their neighbor might hate them now, and now they tried to fix it, but they’re still terrified of finding out what really is going on. And that loneliness that they probably didn’t even notice was there before is coming twice as strong now that they’re used to the company of two very important people to them. Ough, loving it all, can’t wait until reckless y/n learns the truth and does whatever they’re gonna do!
I sat on this the entire workday wanting to answer, you really sent this right before I left! gdhsj
This. has turned MUCH too long I am so sorry. Read more for you GFHDJS
But yea yea yea! If we compare Moon's reaction about being the "annoying coworker" in the first alt reveal drabble and the canon reveal, the difference is drastic.
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In one, he has the complainer right there - throwing pillows at him, rather than anything actually hostile. Y/N is frantic, and near panic, but did not go further than any attacks they direct at each other on any other day.
Another example from that one unpublished drabble I have no idea when I'll get to it (context: Dusk picked Robin up):
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This is early in the rivalry, but still standard. They fight a bit, but they don't truly hurt each other - in the alt reveal scene he had that immediate reassurance that yes, Robin may snark and throw some punches (or, pillows), but they don't see him as an enemy.
In the canon reveal? He has the immediate comparison of Robin & Dusk vs Y/N & Sun, with the latter being much friendlier and closer (as he thinks). Then he has the thought that he's the coworker, and Y/N isn't there to reassure him of their relationship and dynamic, he only has Sun who's in denial and then freaking out just as much, and he catastrophizes. It's a lot, it's too much, and then he's already buried himself in those worst case thoughts where not even Sun could reach him.
The nights he hides away to think he basically went through all their interactions, trying to interpret them differently, and some (especially earlier) memories might have fit this terrible new pattern he has to consider, but more and more... It doesn't make sense. Things don't add up, and then Sun shares that he was jealous because Y/N wouldn't rest until they heard their coworker is concerned.
So by the time Sun urges him to go back to work to see Robin? He's ready to hope again, and boy does Robin deliver. There's still a lot of hurt, remnants of doubt that he needs to talk to Y/N about, and fear of the unknown future for them all. But when Robin cheers him up, baits him into a chase, and is just so relieved to have him back? That's when things start looking up for him again.
And Sun? "which canon Sun wouldn’t do at this point" well. Maybe not quite - but once Sun leans into the rivalry, Robin is in for a surprise. And not just the "Oh no he's hot" kind! They just have the advantage that they already know all of him by then, unlike reverse Robin meeting the ruthless side first.
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He is ruthless. That is him, and he enjoys a good chase! He's also sweet and loves taking care of Y/N, yes, and if he had thought it's an option he would have hidden away all those parts he wouldn't want them to see and just be that for them. Would he have been entirely happy? Probably not, honestly. The secrecy and cutting off parts of himself to fit into that image he projected would have taken their toll on him.
If, post-reveal when things settle down, you'd ask him if he thinks it was good they found out? Immediate "Yes." He gets to show all of himself to Y/N, and they accept him, and enjoy all of him. He gets to cook for them and ask them if they're staying hydrated and also chase them through the city and fluster them on missions.
But right now? He doesn't know what the future holds. There's just fear that they might find out, and while they might not be horrified at what he's capable of per se, it's still one hell of a contrast to the person he tried to be for them. He thinks they'd see it as a downgrade, as opposed to Moon having an easier time since they already knew his agent side.
Moon's fear is that Robin may have never liked him. They disprove that as soon as they get the chance, unknowingly.
Sun's fear is that Y/N may hate Dawn. He doesn't get the reassurance until they do find out, and then some.
Moon took the brunt of the reveal - but Sun has to endure it longer.
Y/N? They thought they were fine on their own, they were doing well enough, they had some fun, they didn't realize that something was missing until they gained it, and then lost it again.
They were sick when they were "missing", or in the first case in the hospital, though Dusk knew about that.
An animatronic does not get the flu.
They don't know if it's something harmless keeping him, like it was something harmless for them - because their situation simply does not apply to Dusk's.
So when both of their support pillars suddenly crumble and cave in, when they're suddenly all alone again? They're terrified.
They're proud, and don't quite dare pester their supervisor for more info - just "You'd tell me if he was dead, right? I work with the guy regularly, I need to know if he'll be back. When he'll be back" and only gets noncommittal answers back that they assume mean he's fine, because they would tell them if Dusk was dead, right? But they can't be sure.
And they might feel like talking to Sun about it, hear any reassurance even if they can't share much, but... His last text came super late, and was kind of stiff, and they haven't seen him for a while now, where before they used to see each other on the porch or balcony pretty regularly?
Is he... Is he avoiding them? And if yes (because man, that would fit what's happening), why? The distance came after they sent the pictures - was there something wrong with those? They took a bunch of him, and didn't ask every time, was he put off by that? But that wouldn't warrant ghosting, right? Was there something else, something they missed? A signal, a cue, did they mess up? They don't even know, and they're already in a bad headspace, so they just spiral.
Keep hoping Dusk comes back, keep hoping they'll see Sun again.
When neither happens, they reach out to the one they can reach at least, their pride finally having lost to their concern and hope and loneliness.
They got the reassurance that Sun doesn't suddenly hate them for some reason, but he's still tense and unhappy, and Dusk is still missing, so it's still just a small relief.
They start feeling better when Dusk comes back to work, and almost close to normal when he falls back into their usual pattern, and Sun greets them on the porch again when they meet. But things are off, still, somewhat, and, well...
Their boys do have a bomb to drop right back.
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I cry
and I sob
and I shriek
-can't you hear me?-
and she never responds
she just keeps on going regardless
it may kill us
but I wonder, will she listen even then?
logic's my friend, but never hers
health is mine
but she seems ready to throw it all away
in pursuit of the one goal
that long ago lost all meaning
I've said it's an addiction
I've said it's hell
and we're losing the fight, me and her
if she'd pull on my side we'd win
but she never will
can't she give me a moment
to catch my breath
that's the point
she'll drive us to our grave
without a moment to say slow down
even though every moment is filled with regrets
regrets she'll never hear because we're free-falling
what if we've reached terminal velocity?
can we stop even if we try?
or have we gone far enough already
that we can't back down
can't get out
doomed to this path until it's too late?
this isn't going well
I'm not winning
I need help somehow
but I cannot find the words
and when I do she points out the lies
I think of holding out a hand
of begging for help
and she grabs my hand instead
and then I leave my hand in hers
and let her take me deeper
even though all I see is darkness.
how long, o Lord?
how long must I suffer before she's gone?
we have held together too long
I don't know life without her
but I don't know life with her
only a slow
extended
death
#catkin poetry#personal#puddleglum hours#how long must it be#i cannot bear the thought of reaching out for help because what if its all in my head#but i swear it's killing me#some of the time im desperate and some of the time i just give in and dont care#all day ive not cared except for a brief time when i went and played hte piano to calm down#but right now at midnight i am desperate#i have no tears only terrible fear#i cannot see a way out of this#i cannot see a future beyond this i can only see the same half-life trapping me for days and months and years and#i cannot bear it#and so many people have it so much worse than me so what am i even complaining about#only stupid problems in my own stupid head and id better not clog the system further not unless i really need it#my sister said to get help while it was still not too much of a problem#well jokes on you sister it's gone too far#it's too far gone for an easy fix#and not far enought o warrant help immediately#i dont know what's going on#i just dont know#sometimes its completely fine and sometimes its awful#im just so tired and worn out and empty and wrung out and im afraid so afraid#but of what? i dont know#of missing church on Sunday? maybe#if i can't beat this thing in my head enough to be safe to drive an houra nd a quarter each way then i cannot go#but if i cannot go then that sends danger signals to siblings and i dont want that#if i were a more sensible idiot id not be thinking so and fearing the future so#i dont even want to die right now#i wnat to live
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blacknovelist · 2 years
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Speaking as someone who has played oneshot since its initial iterations as an rpgmaker game a solid... man. It's been like. What. Almost seven years?? Eight???? Screw the progression of time, man, the original game came out literally in 2014
But like it's insane to think about ngl. I remember when it was just this... little short cute lookin meta game I picked up not long after playing OFF (since the meta scene was super popular by then) like, oh, cool, let's see what it can do! It'll be fun!
It turns out what it can do is give you terminal brainrot that lasts a blindingly vivid eight years and the now borderline fundamental childhood-earlyteen memory of crying for over an hour over the weight of the impending decision you'd have to make and the knowledge that the consequences, both good and bad, would be permanent, and it was up to me to decide what i could live with. I assure you all I have been very normal about it this whole time.
I have not been normal ever since holy FUCK that moment was formative
But like... man. I remember thinking, wow. This game is really small and niche. It's gonna be one of those little things I store in my chest and hold onto forever that I won't get to see outside of my sphere much. When the steam version got announced I was MIND blown and SO excited, because this was my favorite game on the PLANET and suddenly it was not only coming to steam but maybe there would be NEW STUFF like holy SHIT! I can recommend it so much easier!
and fucking. Solstice. Solstice. Hang on I need to readmore if I go on cause this is getting into spoilers but motherfucking solstice I just
This game has meant so much to me and it means the world that. Here it is. Joyous and loud and so very cared for. It's small but beloved and I can't believe we got all the way over here. Oneshot is on every major console now. It has its little virtual machine. I love it so much and it's out there for everyone else to see... I am. So glad.
[Spoilers below the cut— I usually believe they don't matter that much, but Oneshot is one of the very few games I believe deeply needs to be experienced mostly blind the first time so please take care]
When oneshot on steam first released tho like. people who Don't Know, I need you to know that solstice did not exist back then. We had two total clues that it was even a thing— the clock in the Refuge, gradually counting down, and the bolded words on the game steam page. Yall, that was IT. When it first came out, there was no "return to the beginning" or whatever, it was just... the journal. And the tower, helping niko even when he didn't know I was there. Hell, the journal was new to steam and I remember it, you know. How afraid I was. For the world. For Niko. For everything, that first time. Because I loved it, and I wanted things to be as good as I could make it.
And we counted the days until solstice. We wondered. We figured out what day the clock would stop counting on, wondered what the door would do. And then it dropped, and suddenly... suddenly there was the chance for everything to change. Do you know how magical that was? Three years of knowing the choice was always one or the other, even when little things changed, only to be told that maybe... maybe this could be it?
Fuck, guys.
And now we are here again. I never would have dreamed this little game I loved would end up on literal game consoles— but it's so clear to me how much love went into this game port to make it happen. The essence is the same but you gave it just enough that I.... man. Man. I. Never knew a gut punch like 'From Niko'. But it reminds me, you know? This world never died, not really. Not even at first, back then, when it was all or nothing, one or the other. It was always in my heart.
It's in Niko's heart too. And all of yours, who played it. I don't know what else to say or think, really, other than... thank you.
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vvanessaives · 2 years
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i was tagged by @indorilnerevarine and @denerims to take this quiz and by @florbelles @risingsh0t​ @arklay​ to do this quiz too for some of my ocs so i practically decided to put both together into a single post. thank you so much to everyone!! <3
tagging: feeling a little self conscious of tagging people so whoever wants to do any of these two or both just go ahead and say i tagged you!!
— OCS AS GREEK GODS
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HECATE
double, double toil and trouble. yeah you don't really get much facetime in the myths but you're literally the god of magic and dogs so stay winning. mysterious goth energy, does she really do complete dark rituals or is that just her vibe. no one knows and you're not telling
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HERMES
you literally were born and then invented mischeif. like you were a newborn and you immidiately inbented theivery and then lying. go you. you are the living embodiment of chaotic neutral. Yes people are so annoyed by you sometimes, but you are so unbelievably charming that you get away with everything. who doesn't love a charming rogue
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ARTEMIS
i mean this in the kindest way possible, you give off huge autistic lesbian vibes. oh you're living in the isolated wilderness? hmm. only with women? yes uh huh. if we're following myths as metaphors you have literal trans egg cracking energy so doubly good for you.
                          ─────────────────────────
— OCS CORE
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SILENT ADMISSIONIN
tarot, the fool is numbered 0 – the number of unlimited potential. as the protagonist, he is ever present and therefore needs no number as well as no introduction. the world revolves around you in ways that i can't begin to describe, though you'd shrug it off if i were to begin to explain. i need you to know that time is running out. if you want to get this done, you need to start now. sloth is your greatest enemy in this world, and you can only run so far from the opposition when you start with such a disadvantage. keep your head high, yeah? the kid you were is still in there somewhere. you need to show him that it was worth it.
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CAUTERIZING RAGE
the house has burned around you, and you’re the only one left standing. is it gratifying to be the survivor? fear and anger are weapons in your capable hands, used only to serve your agenda of fighting back when deemed necessary. you're a powerful person, built from the ashes of your despair and your family's mistakes. with time, you'll bloom into someone softer, like the full blossoms that grow each spring and wither away with the leaves in fall. they won't disappear if you take your eyes off of them. you're enough.
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ANIMAL INTUITION
loyalty is the saint you pray to. if you ever were stabbed in the back by your beloved, you'd probably apologize. to your enemies, you're fierce. to your allies, even fiercer. you cultivate a thick inner circle built on promises and devotion, fit only for the best of the best. it's impossible for most to even begin to dissect the type of person you are, owing to your unbreakable emotional walls and confusing philosophies. dream careers? body guard, movie star, unwitting pawn. don't let people get the best of that loyalty.
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FRACTURED GLASS
no amount of orchestrated class is ever going to hide the fact that you’re doomed to be alone. you’re a puppet, you’re a weapon, but most importantly? you’re a fraud. your facade isn’t malicious, but that doesn’t change a thing. everything in your life is in your control now, and you chose to let yourself become stiff and distant. you’re guilty of everything you blame yourself for, and your misfortune is the fault of nobody but yourself. your selfish nature forges you into a man-made monster, so quick to blame and so desperate to escape consequence. i hope that you can become someone you’re proud of soon.
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dadbots · 8 months
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August… time to get spooky.
#dadbots.txt#this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes.#I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh.#idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs.#best way to describe it LOL#been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just.#where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda.#just one of those moments yknow.#it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest -#- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing.#I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it.#I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month -#and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really.#don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often#and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow.#maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year.#not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat#though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all.#won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well.#and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really?#shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year.#I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now.#let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way.#hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽
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todayisafridaynight · 6 months
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oh i would could and should draw but ghhhhhggg rock candy...
#snap chats#i survived grocery shopping //demonic screeching//#i bought a new clay pot and can opener while i was gone :) i went over budget 🧍‍♂️#WHAT DID I EVEN BUY i finally got eggs <3<3<3<3<3<3 24 of them <3 <- i will finish this in two weeks#i really wanted to find kimchi but i couldnt find it in the market i was checking... i did buy mangosteen tho :)#which turned out more expensive than i thought itd be 🧍‍♂️ ANYWAY#while i was at the asian market i Of Course happened upon the candy isle#and i saw those little star rock candies aka Konpeito#mental illness took over... i couldnt Not think of honnouji hotel so i said 'ok Oda Nobunaga are these hype or not'#and ive eaten half the bag </3 ITS LITERALLY JUST COLORED SUGAR and yet im being reminded of my youth#wherein i would just eat sugar cubes.. but these are so much crumblier and fun to eat... oops..#anyway im not grocery shopping for another month <3 probably <3 i mean im going home next month so.. lol#and then semester's practically over.. so yeah ill be fine#im so excited to cook with my pot tho.. i bought pork floss and i reaaallyy wanna try it in a rice ball..#i saw my fave filipino youtuber do that once.. and pork floss delicious as is I ALMOST BOUGHT A BIG FUCK-YOU JAR#AND THEN I SAW A SMALLER MORE REASONABLE SIZED CONTAINER#you know whats wild. technically my dad's a filipino youtuber. he had a youtube account for A Month during the pandemic#and the other month he was remembering and he was like 'why did i do that 🧍‍♂️' LOL#ok im rambling im gonna eat this whole bag. NO IM NOT i also got match sweet roll cakes <3 i swear i didnt just buy sweets just these two#andallthefruit I SWEAR I BOUGHT LIKE MEAT AND VEGETABLES i just had some already.. i really did just need eggs to cook..#ok im rambling BYE im gonna make matcha tea so i feel better#if i draw anything it'll be a miracle
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