#so my grandmother went to the hospital on my birthday and hasnt been home since

[nightmmares]

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#i feel like my life is constant punishment but i really don't know what i did #i am not the friend you wait up till midnight to say happy birthday to #i am not the friend that gets an instagram post dedicated to them #i am not the friend you invite out #i have spent so much of my life just wanting what i feel for other people to be reciprocated #by family by friends by anyone #anyways this year some people actually did go out of their way for me #they planned an elaborate surprise #they wanted me to be happy #and i can't express how much it meant to me to be on the other side of it for once #to not have to spell out something i want bc the other person cant be bothered to know me #because i am not worth knowing #so i got to have a treasured memory #and the universe said whoops thats wrong #so my grandmother went to the hospital on my birthday and hasnt been home since #she had to have open heart surgery #so i got covid somehow after almost 3 fucking years #so i couldnt see my family for my birthday or easter #i am extremely terrified of being forgotten #like thats one of my deepest fears #and i think #its bc its inevitable #my own parents cant even be bothered to know me #cant come up with a gift or a sentiment or something that i would like even if pressed #if i dont have a favorite color or a hobby or an interest or SOMETHING to other people that makes them think of me #do i even exist?