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drake-the-incubus · 3 years

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This is a gift for @striderhell from the Homestuck Secret Santa 2020 (@homestuckss). I was aiming for 3000 words but uh, Dirk as a muse didn’t want to continue exploring the concept of gender given his rigid but philosophical nature.

I hope this was good, and if not just gimme a shout and I’ll try and come up with something better.

Word Count: 1521 Fandom: Homestuck Characters: Dirk Strider, Roxy Lalonde Relationships: Dirk Strider & Roxy Lalonde (Platonic/Friends)

Additional Notes: Roxy uses He/Him and They/Them, I’ve never finished the epilogues but I love NB Rox. Dirk uses no pronouns in this, as I wanted to try that out.

Please enjoy Dirk exploring his gender.

Sometimes in an effort to define ourselves, we feel trapped to conform to some rigid aspect or label in hopes to reach an understanding of who we are. At times this process can be frustrating and dissatisfying. Other people take weeks or days, and some of them take years or never figure it out.

Perhaps gender, as a construct, can’t be fully understood, but we can understand ourselves as people without it. The tale before you, is only a short of someone who wishes to take a journey many end up doing, and most have never encountered.

Dirk was sitting in a cafe on Earth-C, sipping on a coffee in between tinkering with another pair of shades. The goal was updating and adding a better set of graphics, hoping to add some additional features to make things easier.

It had been a while since the Prince of Heart had seen the rest of the gods. Jake would visit once in a while, and they would have a friendly spar or talk. Roxy would message once in a while, letting Dirk know any spicy news about the rest.

Dave would randomly show up, they would stare each other down before both Striders would give a thumbs up and go their separate ways.

Rose would often come by, trading witty banter and wisdom. Both of them struggled with the massive impact of their god tiers and would often talk about it to one another.

Today though, Dirk decided a change of area would suit this project best, specifically needing to leave the workshop and enjoy some caffeine. Recently a problem developed that would continue to nag at the Prince even through the night. Lack of sleep was the reason why Dirk had picked a coffee shop. It made the most sense.

Gender did not.

Dirk had been going through a lot lately, and when Roxy had come out as trans, it had been taken pretty well by most of them. Not that it would be different if Dirk came out either, but rather that would take knowing what was going on.

This was a laughable moment, since they all had beaten the game, made it out and enjoyed their own little home in the midst of nothing. Creating entire worlds and civilizations with the help of their space and time players, but Dirk was sitting there, in a cafe, trying to figure out what gender even was and how it related to the god’s own identity.

Pronouns were hard, but so was even figuring this shit out. Making a copy of your brain at thirteen was much easier than figuring out if you’re cis or not, and Dirk didn’t know.

The more it was thought about, the more the thought cropped up, what if it turned out the being Cis wasn’t the result. Dirk was absolutely sure about not being a chick, nothing really appealed about that, but then again there was a very similar feeling over the current gender.

Man, agender or woman. Those were the categories that presented themselves currently. Working harder to connect the shades to the newly built chip, Dirk jolted when suddenly Roxy sat down across the table.

“I called out to you, but you didn’t answer.” He said leaning over and looking over the project. “I was wondering what made you change location, you’re pretty adamant to work in your workshop Dirkie.”

“I needed to think, which I was doing when you were calling out to me. Thinking so hard about creating a new line of orange pop with more caffeine than this cup of coffee that the world died out and I was left to only the one set of thoughts for once.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, and crossed his arms. “Really now? You think that I can’t tell something bigger is going on in that Strider head of yours? You’ve come up with projects while having a philosophical discussion with Rose and texting Dave a rap battle. You’re the king of multi-tasking, which also means your attention is usually divided more, and you’re attempting to put a wire on the wrong side of that.”

Dirk frowned and sighed, putting the project down. “Well, I can’t get nothing past you I suppose. I guess one thing that’s on my mind is how much I miss AR, since he was a good source of introspection, then again I have no idea if that would have helped in the first place.” Tapping fingers filled the space between them as the Prince looked outside at the billions of humans and trolls walking over the streets.

“I’ve been contemplating what gender is and how I relate to it since you came out as nonbinary. It’s been making me think about what is my gender, and I’ve come to the conclusion none of them really fit, but that’s also something to worry about since that means I don’t relate to any of the options-“

“Before you go on a long tangent, I want to ask, what are the options?” He interrupted Dirk while cocking his head.

“Agender, man and woman.” Dirk said bluntly, staring at Roxy. The laughter that resulted made the god tip the iconic shades down to stare at Roxy with deadpan orange eyes.

“I get greeted by your eye colour, score! But no, you got it all wrong, gender isn’t rigid categories, it’s a spectrum. You can’t define it by strict labels and there’s too many to count. So you don’t fit in three, there’s millions of genders. Some might not have a word for it right now. I’m nonbinary, but that’s because I’m not a man or a woman completely, I’m somewhere in the middle, closer to a man if I were to describe it as like, a sliding scale. So don’t be in a hurry, and don’t worry if you don’t figure it out.”

“I need to. Not knowing makes things difficult. I know it might be unhealthy to obsess over, but ever since I made Auto Responder, I had the need to understand myself fully and everything about myself.” With an elbow on the table, Dirk took a hand and raked it through the mess of hair. Having done so more than a hundred times earlier, the Prince was sure it was a complete and utter mess at this point, and would need to be taken care of at home.

“Well, I have a list of some of the other more known ones, maybe one of them check out for you?” He offered a tablet.

Dirk took it, and looked over the list of options and each description of it, mumbling under breath before placing the tablet back down with a definite, “I’m going to use Genderless for now and see what happens.” It looked interesting, the excerpt specifically outlined not having a gender at all due to neurodivergence, rather than lacking a gender or having no gender, different from agender. It didn’t feel much different from everything else, but nothing did. Having several of the entries be defined by one’s neurodivergence was weird, but the more thought placed into the concept, the more it felt real to Dirk. Rather it meant that the Prince would have to take Rose up on her offer to get a fully evaluation soon, even if both of them came to the conclusion Dirk was probably neurodivergent and that it wasn’t impactful with how the god had lived life before the game.

“Are there any pronouns I should use for you?”

Pursing lips, Dirk gave a shake of the head. “None preferably. I think I need more time to actually think everything over. I have no positive or negative feelings for anything on there, and so I’m debating on if I’m everything or not. I can figure out how to make an exact replica of my own brain as a teenager, create robots, plot out the exact way I can kiss Jake and even save everyone's lives getting into the game. I’ve designed complex interactions to lead to the outcome I desire, and I can’t even pick a gender. This is quite frankly, ridiculous.”

“You don’t gotta. Dirk, it’s not about just picking a gender, it’s about figuring out a big part of yourself, and something most people don’t do for yours. You figured out you’re gay, now you’re figuring out what else you could be.” He placed a hand on Dirk’s and gave him a smile. “Whatever your result, I’m here for you. Even if you later think you’re a Cis man I’ll still be here for you. We might be siblings but we were friends first and that matters the most to me.”

Dirk gave a snort. “This is so fucking corny, but thanks Rox. I appreciate the love and support. Maybe I can treat you to another coffee since I feel like if I don’t buy one soon I’m going to be kicked out for making a mess of a window table.” Motioning towards the table, and standing up, the god stretched out. “What are you in the mood for?”

“Caramel Macchiato please.”

“Gotcha.”

#homestuck secret santa 2020 #striderhell #I fucking was gonna make this christmas eve but I got busy the past two days #Glad I waited because this Idea was much better #trans nonbinary characters #dirk is amab

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gracieisnotmuchofawriter · 4 years

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Alone (Therapists & Children)

A couple years ago, I met someone who meant the world to me. His name was Robin. We sat in that room lit with bright orange lights. Steps ran down to the center where a piano sat. A projector sat atop the ceiling, pointing towards a white sheet just behind the piano. Off to the side sat a shelf with a stereo on top. The walls were dark, brown and obviously made of wood. Squares of foam sat a few inches apart across the walls. The entrance sat off to the side, on the other was a closet that stored all of the chairs. I sat at the back with all of the Mezzo’s. Ms. Curtis had trouble gauging what my range was. We were doing these team building exercises, to find our voices and sync up. When she got to the Mezzo’s she was very disappointed when she found out I had never sang a word in that room. She gave me Mezzo because of my speaking voice. So I sang throughout that hour with everyone who was just now realizing I existed.

I didn’t sync well with the Alto’s because my voice was a little too high. Finally, she decided I was a Mezzo Soprano, so she grabbed a random Baritone Bass off the shelf to start the usual exercise. He sat down and it was the first time I was ever interested in a boy. He had big brown eyes, messy red curls on his head, all styled forward. He always looked so cool in those blue, slim fit jeans, slip-on Vans, some short sleeved button up shirt. His face wasn’t hard, it was soft but defined. We connected after the teacher found out we both hadn’t sang a word in that room. What started out as a team building exercise turned into another search for this boy’s proper range. She told me to sit back down and—as she put it—“Just, wait until we’re done.”

When it was all said and done, the bell rang. It was the last hour of the day. Afterward we properly met after school. He walked me to the bank my aunt worked at, our conversation was easy enough. He took me out. It was the first time I wore a dress since I was four. I met his friends, they became my friends. They bought me an Xbox. This boy and I had sex, it was my first time. Then senior year happened. Texting everyday turned into a few texts throughout the evening. Weekends turned into a few texts in either the afternoon or the evening. All of the sudden, in October, he announced he was moving to California to be with his mom and dad. He stopped coming to school. He stopped talking to me. He stopped talking to his friends. Or at least I thought. I remember jumping online, seeing my brother on, he was talking to someone, I could hear him. I thought it was everyone else. It was Robin, the boy I was seeing.

The next day, it felt like everyone was staring at me. My stomach felt hollow, my heart ached, I felt tired, hungover. I floated through the day, I slept in my history class. My friends (his friends) tried talking to me at lunch, but I couldn’t pay attention. I complained about an upset stomach and called Brielle. Her and her girlfriend picked me up. My room felt so big and empty. The white bumpy walls, the dark brown floors, the glass desk in the corner, the TV just above my dresser in front of my bed. My bed’s white blanket, my tan pillowcases. Everything just looked bland and lifeless. I ignored my brother through the rest of the week. He didn’t do anything wrong, though, he just thought I was still talking to Robin, he didn’t know, no one knew he ignored me like that.

Today, my heart swelled to the size of a grapefruit. My lungs felt punctured. My chest felt like a cinderblock laid atop of it. I sat in the bathroom heaving, trying to catch my breath. No one heard me, Asha went home for the weekend, the girls on the other side went home as well. The ringing in my ears became louder. A harsh pressure pressed onto my sinus’, tears came out of my eyes. It felt like pins kept stabbing my back and across my shoulders. I laid down on my side, curling up into a ball.

“Jude’s not the same.” I kept groaning through my heavy sobs.

Jude went home to Lincoln, to see their family, their siblings. Apparently their brother had a kid recently. Jude left on Thursday, they haven’t texted me back. It’s Saturday.

My brain kept bringing up terrible thoughts, the more I ignored them the louder they got.

‘Jude’s done with you.’

‘Jude’s tired of you.’

‘Jude’s bored of you.’

‘Jude knew you were irritating the day you bitched about lying to your instructor.’

“No, they’re just busy.”

“No, Jude didn’t care, they really just wanted me to move past it.”

‘Jude’s just another Robin. For good reason.’

‘Jude should move past you if this is how you react to a couple days of silence.’

‘Maybe your mom knew how much of a wreck you are, maybe that’s why she left you.’

I got off the bathroom floor, I walked into my room, my eyes stung, my back hurt, my stomach hurt. I opened my drawer, finding that pill bottle. “Take one(1) as needed”. I dropped two tablets into my hand, stuffing them into my mouth. I grab my bottle of water, washing the pills down into my stomach. I stumble back, chest still on fire, thoughts still racing. I curl up onto my bed. I want my aunty.

—

“Jude’s memo, September Twenty-Eighth.

‘Eggs, milk, diet soda, Gatorade and a gift for this cute girl I met at school.’ That’s my list for today’s outing. It’s a relatively humid day, my hair feels all flat and my face feels like a cheeseburger. My armpits are kinda yeasty and I don’t care, nothing’s gonna stop me from wearing a tank top today. Anastasia carries my sweater so if those clouds man up and actually do something, I got something to cover up with. Also, I need to pay my phone bill. It’s prepaid, thank god, so no late fees.

I started making these after mom died, our families never been the same. But my brother’s kid being born has done the impossible. I’m driving down to Lincoln to meet up with my sister and we’re gonna go see his beautiful little family. We’re gonna lay our mom to rest, properly this time. When it happened, my siblings and I couldn’t bear to be around each other, we all just saw our mom in each other I guess. Each other. Us. It still really hasn’t hit me that we’re all gonna be in the same room together again. It seems so far away that I’m wondering what Amber might like from Lincoln, what can I find her that she’ll get excited about. Me,

Jaime and Judith are gonna be in a room again but all I can think of is my stupid crush. She’s not stupid, the act of thinking about her over this momentous occasion for the Kent family is strange and dumb.

I don’t know... Amber. She might just be a crush, just a curiosity for the school year, I mean, I’m not even sure if I like graphic design. I like doodling, I like making things, but advertising? Is that me? Maybe Amber is just someone to distract me from those fucking questions, but at the same time, her face keeps popping into my head, I can hear her voice if I just imagine it, I don’t know. She’s much, uh, ‘looser’ these days. She doesn’t seem so tense, so distant. I’ve been sitting next to her in Digital Layout One for the entire year so far, this week was the first time I saw her usually milky face turn colored, splashes of pinks on her cheeks, her lips seem, I don’t know how to describe it, but she seems like there’s just more life to her. Her shoulders slump more, her legs don’t bounce like crazy, her hair sits behind her ears more, she takes off that big ass sweater she’s been wearing. She replaced it with a much more comfortable cardigan. She just seems healthier. Probably because a friend sits next to her. But how ethical is it? I mean, this only started because I have a crush on her. Is this okay? Is it okay to pursue her with the slightest expectation that I might get some coochie at the end of this? The answer is probably no, especially given for the fact that I know next to nothing about her, her past, her wants and her needs. I mean, maybe it’s too early to judge things, perhaps I should slow down this thought of not knowing her well enough, the ethics and just have fun. She likes me well enough, I think. We laugh a lot, she shares her sense of humor with me. I mean, she made a sex joke earlier this week, and it was a fucking cute one at that! Jesus, what do I do? I want McDonald’s, there’s one in Missouri Valley, I’m gonna check it out, give’em a visit, see how those nuggets have been. Does Amber like McDonald’s, I mean we got Chipotle and Taco Bell, she must like McDonald’s. Or maybe she’s just too polite to ask, like I say I want Chipotle and she just goes with it. Maybe these questions are best suited to ask her and not the woman who’s gonna listen to this with me on Monday, Hi Jamie! What do I do? What would my mom say? She’d probably tell me just follow my heart because she really had nothing else to add, she always thought me being wholly queer meant she couldn’t give me adequate advice, but that’s not true, when she did give me advice, it was always fucking good, it was exactly what I needed to hear, even if I didn’t want to hear it. I know examples would be better, but, this recording is getting a little long. My mind is a bit wild today. From meeting Amber, to my brother and his girlfriend finally popping that kid out, getting to see my sister Judith after four fucking years. Maybe the reality of seeing everyone is actually hitting me, maybe I am really nervous and I’m just trying to use Amber as a shield from all of this.”

#writer #writeblr #write #short stories #short story #storytelling #queer fiction #queer stories #queer romance #short fiction #literary fiction #fiction

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natsbigfight · 7 years

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Bowel Cancer – the gift that keeps on giving.

We were lucky enough to head away for an Easter get away in Queenstown thanks to an old friend. The weekend was exactly what we needed, a chance to relax and have some fun as a family after a busy few months. The holiday came with some challenges for me with regards to my hips and abdominal pain which was so frustrating. I really had to work hard to not have melt downs on a daily basis because I was unable to enjoy myself as freely as those around me because I was always fighting one pain or another or if it wasn’t pain I was always on the hunt for the closest toilet and timing these toilet breaks or eating around activities as much as I could. Most people would say I am too hard on myself but after almost 3 years of being a constant ‘burden’ on everyone I still get frustrated with myself when I cannot keep up with ‘normal’ able bodied people. Why should our holiday activities be so controlled by what I am capable of. I hate holding people back. Something as simple as not being able to walk from our accommodation in the heart of Queenstown to get something to eat is so unbelievably irritating. BUT we were still able to have a really great holiday, even with my limitations.

Lucky for me my most recent issue didn’t rear its ugly head until the day we were travelling home.

Fair warning – this post may be too graphic for some.

Ever heard of the term anal fissure? Yea I hadn’t until I got sick and joined an online forum for people with j pouches. They seemed to be really common in all these poor people around the globe that have j pouches because of Ulcerative Colitis or Crohns. I remember thinking – god I am so lucky I don’t have to deal with any of that, it sounds horrible. Then I would carry on with my day thinking how great it was to be past the worst of the side effects of bowel cancer. Huh…if only.

So what’s an anal fissure? Experts describe it as a tear in the lining of the lower rectum (anal canal) that causes pain during bowel movements. Basically it’s a rip inside your butt hole. There is just no other way of putting it. The skin inside your butt literally splits open, causing a pain like no other. There is no way to get relief from it, standing and walking is unbearable, sitting is even worse and even when you are lying down it still feels like there is a piece of broken glass wedged between your butt cheeks. All of that is bad enough but then because you are a normal human who needs to eat to stay alive – you eventually have to make that dreaded trip to the bathroom. You know when you sit down on that toilet, little demons spawned from hell are going to be unleashed on your poor undeserving bottom, tears will fall down your face while you try not to scream too loud and scare the neighbors. Having your four year old run to get Mummy her bum cream and holding your hand while you bawl like a baby is not a pleasant way to spend your time. Poor Pete has stood holding me while I cry like my heart is breaking at the unfairness of yet another painful situation I am thrown into. He has braced my body and rubbed my back while I cry out like I am birthing another of his children. This may all sound dramatic but please consider what an internal tear in your anus lining would feel like while you’re damn right corrosive fecal matter runs past it on its way out of your body. Imagine the sting of salt in a fresh paper cut and times that by 100, then rub some lemon juice into it and then light your finger on fire. That’s what an anal fissure feels like.

Now you are all sitting with your butt cheeks clenched wishing you hadn’t made the decision to catch up on Nat’s blog we can talk about treatment.

There isn’t really any.

I have been given a cream (one that Pete had to sell a kidney to afford) that relaxes the muscles around your anus which in turn minimizes the spasms and promotes blood flow to the area to aid in healing. Like I need more blood flowing to that region of my body, I am already losing what seems like a cup of blood during each bowel movement. Other than that it’s just a matter of time. They say most anal fissures are healed within 8-12 weeks. I don’t know if my towel rail that I cling for dear life to each time I use the bathroom will withstand 8-12 weeks of abuse. Not to mention that stack of paperwork I will have to catch up on when I return to work after that length of time!

After I saw my bowel surgeon on Friday he has told me to rest up and get back in touch with him in a week if things have not improved. Oh yea that’s the other juicy little detail I haven’t touched on! While he was poking and prodding around down there he mentioned that things look a little red and swollen which means there is a chance I may have a wee abscess developing as well. Oh goody. For those not familiar with that term - an anal abscess is a painful condition in which a collection of pus develops near the anus. Most anal abscesses are a result of infection from small anal glands. Surgical incision and drainage is the most common treatment for all types of anal abscesses and is usually successful. Basic terms…a big old ball of puss inside my butthole that needs to be stuck with a needle and drained. I just can’t get over these amazing terms I have come to learn in the last three years. I had never imagined the words anal and puss could ever be put into the same sentence, the mind boggles. I have been placed on a precautionary course of antibiotics incase this is the case and I need to keep an eye out for an increase in the swelling between my butt hole and lady parts and a general feeling of being under the weather.

So there you have it. A crash course in more wonders of the human body. I hope you all waited until after dinner to read this.

Things are not all bad though. My abdominal pain is pretty well controlled these days, I have had my first night coming off my sleeping tablets and onto a melatonin supplement and I am surrounded by amazing friends. Meals being delivered, glasses of wine being poured and trips to the Outram Glen with ice cream have all helped to take my mind off of these stupid obstacles I continue to face.

As far as the whole uterine prolapse thing goes…well I am not going to be getting that surgery any time soon. My surgeon has been out of the city for most of this year and I have now run out of time to have it done before I head to Bali on the 15th May. I have come to terms with the discomfort of the prolapse (ladies it basically feels like I haven’t put my tampon in the right place…yeah you all know what I’m talking about) but the mental anguish of the pause button being hit on the expansion of our little family is something I still struggle with a lot. This isn’t helped by Isobel mentioning how much she wants to be a big sister on a daily basis. She has even gone as far as to create imaginary siblings to get her through the long wait. We have had some really good talks about the fact that Mummy still needs to go to hospital one more time before we can even think about babies and that there is also a possibility that it may not happen. She gets it as much as her little mind can but it still breaks my heart hearing her ‘playing’ with her imaginary brother or sister.

Some days I look at the lives around me continuing on while I feel stuck in limbo still and I wonder why the universe chose us to challenge in this way. I have to remind myself that if we hadn’t gone through the last three years of pain and anguish then we wouldn’t be the people, the parents, the siblings and the friends that we are today. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to help others through my own experiences and learn how precious life is. I would still be racing through life, forgetting to stop to smell the flowers or admire a beautiful sunset.

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