#so now years later its even worse

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[quietwingsinthesky]

i do love canon amy & rory but god, does some part of me wish they really had gone with the idea of the doctor picking up a child as a companion (and then later, that child’s best friend with a huge crush on her.) with the rest of the season really not changing at all, except now it’s amelia pond with an angel in her head killing her and lost alone in the woods. it’s little rory who dies and is forgotten and becomes a toy soldier. if this is going to be a fairy tale, then let it be one. children have never been safe in fairy tales.

#it wouldn’t have to change any of the actual plot of the season. except MAYBE amy’s choice but even then i think amy’s choice would be the #one episode where they should be adults. if only for the half where they live in a village in that dream. #because that’s the kind of future that children would dream up. they live in a little cottage and nothing ever goes wrong and their best #friend visits them all the time even though they’ve grown up. #they aren’t actually adults there just children with an idea of what they should be as adults and acting accordingly #and it would still end the same way. #but idk its just. rory’s 2000 years waiting for amy inside the pandorica is already tragic. yes. #now imagine its a kid. a kid in a little roman soldier helmet who will never grow up. who will not leave his best friend. #he loves her and she’s more important than the whole universe and that sort of love is supposed to MEAN something in a fairy tale! #its supposed to melt the ice out of hearts and transform people from stone. #and what that love means here. is that he will have to wait 2000 years. a child and a box. #little rory and the amelia who followed the doctor’s letters to the pandorica. and she doesn’t recognize him again. #and amelia in the pandorica… 2000 years a child trapped in a small box waiting to be rescued. #s5 is already fucked for them but it could be worse. it could be so much worse. #and it would make the doctor choosing to take her place in the pandorica to save the universe later even better. #because who else but the doctor would put the fate of the universe on the shoulders of two children and realize much too late what a #monstrous thing he’d done. and still have to hope. have to hope. that amelia would remember him fondly enough to bring him back to reality. #the logistics of all of this would have been a pain lmao. child labor laws in acting and all that. #BUT. hypothetically. it would have slapped. #doctor who #amy pond #rory williams #<- also this entire time ive been referring to him in my head as rory pond so much that i fuckin. forgot his actual last name. #and then like if you want them to be adults in s6 or whatever you can just timeskip to them getting married and still have amelia remember #the doctor there. it would work. it would. #amelia pond au

[6-2-aestheticsofhate]

oh i thought i could handle this video but i dont think i can

#as a trigger it wasnt even that BAD before. why is it suddenly so much worse? #did i just never notice before? #is my brain finally trying to... i dont know PROCESS what happened? #fuck its been 8 years. its been 8 fucking years since i saw him emaciated in a hospital bed dying of cancer. #and now i cant handle hearing or seeing someone dying in a hospital bed or having cancer #it didnt bother me before. why now. why 8 years later. #death tw #cancer tw #personal #vent #to delete

[mizzical]

practiced with shapes + drawing bodies

#danganronpa despair time #drdt #arei nageishi #teruko tawaki #hu jing #(not sure if i should color and/or do lineart???? if anyone wants me to then ill be fine with doing that later) #i do like implying visible shapes into my art. even though a lot of times its subtle (i think. though it depends on who im drawing) #i dont do shapes (and shape language) to an extreme like some of my favorite artists. i dont think id be able to pull that off #esp shape language because idk its kind of limiting to me #i decided to draw the girls in bikinis so then itll be more easy to see what their body looks like (ESP hu) #of course teruko's looking all cute and stuff bc she likes cute stuff <3. it was a perfect time to draw her lookin cute #its the worse time of the year to draw characters in bikinis like its literally fall now /j anyways #reason for me drawing them for practice: hu because she's plus size. arei bc shes skinny with more ROUNDED shapes. #and teruko because shes skinny (more closer to average-size?) but with SHARPER shapes. #the whole point was me practicing with round and sharper shapes so since i had been planned what shapes i wanted to use in their designs #these three were perfect for practicing!!! #im still kinda shock that arei is about 5'7...

[frecklystars]

oh my god i love being triggered at 3:29am on a monday ten minutes after jolting awake from a horrific nightmare

#ive been either not sleeping at all. or sleeping for only 2 hours a night #for several nights in a row and i can feel it making my body deteriorate #my chest hurts. my eyes burn. im always lightheaded. i really hate living like this #im never going to recover man it just doesnt stop. this never ends #its been over a year i thought this would be so far away from me but it just gets fucking worse #i remember sitting on my bathroom floor and crying when my ptsd was starting #and i was telling myself. one year from now this isnt going to hurt as bad #i was so fucking wrong. it got worse. i cant look at *anything* TF related #i cant look at TF artists i cant even look at the word half the time #i wish it didnt exist i wish i never ever got into it. none of this was worth it #if i never got into it i never would have met my abuser and she wouldnt have used me for such a long ass time #vent #delete later

[latenightsinmay]

personal vent/problem post idk how you call those but whatever. i need to get it out somehow so fuck it. if anyone feels like going through the tags. 1st why would you do that to yourself?. 2nd help a girl out pls

#re: my last post and the 'is this how people function or is it just me' crisis so bear with me even tho its wayy too tmi and personal #yes i did try talking to one of my friends when it first became a SituationTM but she has life going on and i didnt pust bc im in denial #now its a month later and SituationTM: sequel has happened #shortest version of situation 1: a guy kissed me (and then we continued doing that for a while. but nothing more) after a date #spent the whole time thinking about what im doing. that its weird and that i probably was bad at it. only thoughts no feelings #and i walked away from there feeling very 'people like doing that????? i dont want to do it again' <- this is the problem area! #anyways short context i knew him from other things before and he started flirting with me and asked me on a date over texts #now i said yes bc he was funny and nice and i did entertain those messages bc it was fun and it felt nice #idk the protocol for this yall. how do you judge if you say yes or no to a date (that was the first time someone asked me out seriously)<- #so i was not head over heels. but also i would not say yes or make out with a stranger bc thats just weird for me personally #now SituationTM sequel: another guy i've been friends with for half a year told me a bit ago while he was drunk that he really liked me and #he knows i dont feel the same doesnt expect anything. just wants me to be aware since we're close and he values our friendship #i basically said yeah ur right im sorry. he said thats fine i'll be sad for a bit but no worries. thought u had the right to know #and the thing is we are still friends and it didnt get awkward or anything but. ofc theres a but. #problem area no1 -> he is really nice and i like him. talking to him hanging out. i feel really comfortable around him etc #but when i think about anything in a relationship sense. theres nothing there. or at least i dont recognise that there is. #ik he is hurting and trying to get over it.but i still want to hang out and wont reject him when he spends time with me or hugs me or whate #he did that before anyways. even though i feel that might be making it worse in the long term for him. but i want the hugs and company :( #and i do like that he likes me on some level? is that weird? like i like knowing that im someones fav person #and fuck it would be so much easier if i did have the same feelings. bc i do like him and i trust him and all the things. #i just dont think the feelings i have are the feelings people in relationships have. cus some of my very close friends i feel the same for. #and after the first Situation i thought ok maybe the guy is the problem. but if i try to put this one into his place. its still nopeee. #so uhhh. what the fuck do i do with me? is it the person. is it the gender. is it the relationship in general? which part isnt clicking???? #i could provide additional info to help with that question but im afraid i have no relevant experience info except lack of experience #do with that what you will #if you made it to here im sorry #i will try to word vomit all of this on one of my friends later today if i get enough courage to try and go through with it #(and manage to express my emotions in my native language *gags*)

[truckstoptigers]

when i was seven and our trailer burned down, i thought about leaving my father there, grabbing my brother, and getting us the hell out

i didn't. i ended up waking our father and we all ended up at the neighbors' house

but i should have

i fucking should have

because the minute he had a chance to be alone with me (after we got to my grandma's trailer) guess what he did! shortly after our fucking HOME burned down and the firefighters gave my brother and i teddy bears and wrapped blankets around us for shock!!!!!! fucking christ i hate our father more than anyone on this earth

#haha :) feeling normal abt this! #all i cared about was my brother being safe. thats all. i still remember holding his hand and walking him to the neighbours house #i couldnt see because i left my glasses in the trailer. they put on the little mermaid cartoon for us. i even remember what episode it was #but i genuinely considered leaving my father there and honestly that scares me #honestly i was afraid to wake him up bc i didnt want him to get mad at me. if he got mad at me i would always suffer for it later #milo murmurs #fun fact we lived w someone & his son and his son ended up becoming my cousin when his mom married my uncle #i am so so glad neither or them were home that night #he was so young. im several years older than him & he was so little that he doesnt even remember we lived together #csa vent #tw csa vent #csa tw #also feeling fucked up abt the fact that my father wld put his cigarettes out on me when he was pissed #sometimes i wonder if the fire started because he was smoking smth and passed out while doing it but my brother slept in his room #i feel like they wouldve been much more worse off if the fire started in their room #anyway im pretty sure that the fire was set intentionally bc he had some ties to the wrong ppl #and either they didnt know me & my brother were also there and were only going after our father or they didnt care we were there #to this day even bonfires make me nervous if i can only smell them & cant see them. i hate smelling smth burning & panicking #we live in the country now so its very common for ppl to burn leaves and wood and what have you. its still scary sometimes #i think abt this a lot actually bc any fire still makes me lowkey nervous. less so if i know where/what its coming from but still nervous

[ace-disaster-weeb]

I recently got a copy of The Last Ronin: Lost Years... finally read through the whole thing...holy fucking shit, dude...

#teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt last ronin #last ronin lost years #its basically 'you're so good but you make me so sad 2: electric boogaloo' #im basically switching between the present and being cautiously optimistic #and the past and getting increasingly concerned about mikey #like i haven't read last ronin 2 yet #but i just want the new turtles to be okay so bad #and i honestly feel even worse for mikey than i did by the end of the original series #like COME ON #MY BOI DID NOT DESERVE ANY OF THIS SHIT #i...i think i need to go lie down for a while now #hang on ill be back later just... #holy shit dude

[jessiesjaded]

...

#I'll put depresso talk in the tags to spare innocent bystanders #I just cannot figure out if the little cat is done for or not #like sometimes she seems better and is meowing super loud bc she wants to go out #and then other times she just seems... idk i look at her and im like is this it? #are you going to go to sleep and not wake up? #the most frustrating thing is that she was always skinny since she first wandered up to the door #and one day she'll love food and then the next she does not go near it #like treats that she would decimate one week the next she wont even look at and then the week later she will #she ate some chicken breat i cut up small today so shes not totally empty but shes def not interested #is this the normal thing she always did or is it like the same thing with my old dog #like its impossible to tell if shes just being her weird self + recovering from last week #or if its like something more serious #i looked at the paperwork the vet gave me and turns out they never did a blood test so ??????? wouldnt that be the first thing you'd do #idk man its just worse than not knowing for sure #if i knew there was no hope id be sad but its an answer #as of right now its just an unknown quantity and i dont know what to do for her #whatever shes going back to the vet tomorrow hopefully they'll at least give her some fluids since shes not drinking enough #and check her teeth and just see whats happening #Honestly after watching my Nana horrifically die in march I really dont want another death this year #especially since this cat kinda showed up not long after my nana and was a bright spot #like i wish she could just be healthy and happy

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore #its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household #ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail #whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes #ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out #of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally #and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me #they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can #they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition #they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me #by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once #ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point #and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on #while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems #mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is #instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world #and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life #mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad #im so fucking tired! #3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw

[cerbreus]

it’s been a hellish last couple months dealing with being caught in the crossfire between incompetent rental car agency that is mad at me and incompetent car insurance company that didn’t tell me the person handling my claim fucking QUIT and MY CLAIM WENT FORGOTTEN FOR MONTHS and it still isn’t resolved in fact things have gotten worse and tbh, when i have major stressful setbacks in life, my body and brains’ response is to just. not. do anything. just shut down. intense fatigue, inability to focus on literally anything because the background level of stress is so high.

#bro im gonna cry #fucking got blacklisted from one of the largest rental car companies in this country and it is apparently #impossible to get off the 'do not rent' list #whats making me more upset is that i literally called them the day the windshield cracked i got things sorted out before i even dropped the #car off and still shit is so far out of my control and now i'm stuck with all these repercussions that shouldn't have happened if my #insurance that i pay a hell of a lot of money for wasn't so incompetent #bro apparently even my ROOMMATES can get blacklisted for sharing an address with me #worse yet payment has been sent out but the company is still going 'fuck you pay me killyourself never talk to us again once u pay this' #i can't get ahold of the DRU person in charge of my claim on their end to find out what happens #so it might end up going to collections anyway which will perma fuck up my credit score which i've been trying. so hard. to raise. #being an adult is a fucking nightmare i want to sleep i can't focus for longer than 5 minutes on anything before i start getting that dread #its so frustrating i can't enjoy my hobbies i can't enjoy my work (which is going well right now) bc i'm so stuck on this i need this to go #away so i can regain my brain's normal functioning and yes i have anxiety this is the worst it's been in a while though #anyway sry for the venting i'll be fine it'll be fine my insurance WILL pay for this and things will be fine (probably) once that goes thru #not that it didn't add to my stress enough that my bp probably took another year off my life lbr #personal stuff #delete later i think #DO NOT rent a car without taking the damage waiver it doesn't matter how much it costs or if you have insurance just take the damage waiver #don't be me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ok. i just need to express something that is genuinely v funny to me #i was having dinner with my family and idk my sister asked my parents who their fave kid was and they were like idk we have no fave #and my other sister heard this like: oooo r we comparing whos the favorite? and of us 3 i think she things shes the best #bc her ego is huge and shes v self involved so i was like: y do u think u r the favorite? and she said: i make the most money. im the most #successful. im the best looking. im thr fastest. i have the best social skills #and thr fact that she listed being thr fastest runner as a reason she should b thr favorite kid is extremely funny to me. like is this a #physical race lmao???? also i dont think she has thr best social skill my youngest sister has lots of friends and is a teacher for small #kids. i think her social skills r better and shes wayyyyy nicer. and i pointed out that shes an abrasive person to b around and she was #like: well yeah i dont treat my friends like i treat u guys. which is extremely true. everyone things shes so nice. but its like. if u kno #ur being horrible to us y do u do it??? like i change my behavior to avoid being made fun of by u??? u make me think the world is a worse #place bc ur point of view is so judgemental. also u r extremely bratty and entitled and i dont understand. u r the only one of us 3 like #this??? all my negative self talk sounds word for word like the things u say. and after this trip ill probably add *baby voice* whats #wrong? r u too scared? to the list. idk i really dont get her. she didnt even kno i was starting my phd in the fall. i dont think she #initiated any conversation with me this whole trip #also she makes like 60k a year routing trucks for pepsi which is fucking unhinged to me. like bro it does not sound hard at all and in the #fall ill b making a barley livable wage busting my ass as a grad student. the work to pay ratio is way unbalanced #whatever. she isn't a horrible person. she is very funny. both my sisters r tbh and no one makes me laugh like them #which just makes me sad that we dont connect. anyway. im done bitching for now. ill have positive things to say later once i get back #into the swing of things #unrelated

[anurarana]

What do you mean when you refer to some of your characters as prequel?

HI OK SO my story (that still has no name, sorry, I know that kinda makes it confusing when I talk about it) is split up into 2 distinctive parts: the Main Story and the Prequel. The main story follows a trio of kids (renée, deliah, and matiás) as they travel across the continent and make allies and over throw the government and defeat the big evil yadda yadda it's a k-12 teen fantasy story yknow the drill lmao. The Prequel, however, follows mainly leon and kana, two mentor figures to the trio, and how they came to act the way they do and know the things they do, it's main function is to provide exposition and further background that the trio really have no business ever knowing. Another major element is that the 2 parts have very different tones. The underlying theme of the main story will always be Hope. To have hope and search for love and friendship and keep going when things seem utterly bleak. But for the prequel, it's a tragedy. There is no happy ending, and you know that from the start. You meet characters that feel important, but you have never seen before, characters that you know but can't recognize anymore. The main story starts with the world completely broken, and the prequel shows you how it got to that point

#i also want it to be said that its like. you watch these hyper competent characters get so close to winning #to have all the pieces in place they did everything Right and they still failed #so how are we expected to believe that these kids are going to be able to make a difference when they are starting from even less #and thats the question isnt it. bc the adults who lived through this shit before sure seem to have run out of hope #but maybe if they humor these kids something will come out of it #my ocs #THANK YOU ANON I LUV YOU MWAH #ive also changed some age things since the last time ive mentioned them #now in the prequel the youngest character. leon. is 22 instead of 18 #bc i think its important that even pre time skip they were all still adults. so the fact that ren being the oldest and only 19 hits more #mat and del being 15-16 is even worse #and then post time skip is 15 years later so del was like just born at the time of the prequel #asks #again i love when people ask about my characters this literally made my night <3<3<3

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

#purrs #i know i am 23 years old and i have a lot of life left ahead of me. but i think it’s just hard because im almost always the least #experienced / most sheltered person in the room. and some of that isn’t my fault bc it’s a product of 💖generational trauma💖 but some of it i #is ithink. im skittish like a horse. i had to cut off my life here when i went abroad and then covid hit and i think i got so used to things #being fucked up and to seeing fewer people that isolation became normal for me and now trying to push myself past that is terrifying and i #get so easily overwhelmed by socializing and i hate it but also that’s everyone rn i guess bc we are living in hell. but im skittish like a #horse. i have damaged friendships with people i really cared about because they told me they liked me and i couldn’t handle that and im #haunted every single day by the thought of how i mishandled things at 17-18 and probably caused certain individuals a lot of pain that they #may still be feeling and i want to apologize but that might only make it worse so i never can. and ofc like im jealous and insecure bc ive n #never even been like.. idk. the closest i ever got to being in a relationship was w one of those ppl and i ran away at the point that we rec #reciprocated and i just feel stupid and defective and i hate that if i had to do it all over again i would probably do the same thing. #ive grown a lot emotionally in the last 5 years but im still so like… weak in some ways and there’s common sense / natural compassion things #that i can sense Wojld make sense to do but i just can’t. i am not a good friend or family member right now and so how on earth could i ever #be a good partner to someone. but also uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm life is very very hard to do alone and i would like to not do it alone. and i know #there’s hope but i also like. can’t handle it. idk. it’s a mess and im just depressed about it so hopefully talking about it candidly will b #be enough to like.. eliminate the possibility of it coming up again bc it’s hard enough when im not thinking about it it’s even harder when #there are signs and reminders everywhere that i am young and inexperienced and feeling cringefail misery and doom and jealousy about it #delete later #its also fucking insane bc you grow up and realize what you’ve been missing out on bc you were a kid and it’s like how do i even get there a #and then the older adults you live with and interact with regularly rub it in your face both intentionally and unintentionally and sometimes #without malice but it’s still like… can there please not be about 15 examples of the exact thing i want that are unavoidable and inescapable #at al times by virtue of my life situation rn. in the back of my mind there is always a thread agitated by that and it sucks

[wintersoldeer]

i hope everyone who watches videos in public without headphones drops their phone into a puddle and when they go to pick it up they accidentally step too far into said puddle so their shoes and socks get all wet and when theyre worrying about that they drop their phone again and this time the screen cracks 

#seems like e v e r y t i m e nowadays there someone in the train too near me watching tiktok or whatever and i dont fucking want to hear it #also i think i lost my own headphones or maybe left them at work #they were my backup headphones that i bought bc i lost my headphones or maybe left them at my parents’ #also my hands still smell like salmon despite washing them like three or five times i cant wait to take an actual shower #small annoyances that ill probably forget the minute i step out of this train but until then fuck everyone who watches videos in public #without headphones and double fuck everyone who watches videos in public without headphones and feeds their dog salmon treats #also fuck me for being so... like this. with headphones and keeping them not lost do ireally need to go buy new ones a g a i n #i say #ok instead of posting i just saved this as draft bc habit so in that time ive gotten off the train and bought some shitty cheapo headphones #from tiger (which i know are shitty bc i went through like three of them in like a week some years ago and if they were shit then theyre #probably worse now. they dont even have any fun colours anymore...) and i instantly feel better #gonna go take that shower now and hopefully finally wash away any lingering dog food stink thank god its friday etc etc etc #//edit 2days later ha found my headphones!! (not the fun pink ones that i still hipe are somewhere back home but the boring gray backup ones #that i was afraid i left in the pocket of my work pants that i threw in the laundry box. i didnt! theyre safe!!)

[sheliesshattered]

I’m just so tired

#things with my dad are getting significantly worse. with terminal brain cancer that's pretty much the only direction things can go #but his mental state is deteriorating quickly. multiple massive brain tumors will do that to you but now it's accelerating #I described it to one of my siblings that it's like Dad's mind is a big jigsaw puzzle and for a year now it's been clear that #the once-whole puzzle is breaking into pieces. for awhile the pieces were still pretty big and he could still carry on a conversation well #he might not remember it 15 minutes later but get him talking about an old memory or something he's an expert on and he could just go on #I've been calling him twice a week for months now. since Mom first suggested we work on writing a book together #in the month since we decided to give that up as a lost cause Dad has gotten noticeably worse. he's gone from losing his train of thought #to talking complete nonsense in a scrambled combination of old memories and things he once read about -- smaller and smaller puzzle pieces #and as things have taken a downward term I know from talking to Mom separately that Dad is also having a lot of trouble with basic self care #balance and bathing and eating and knowing where he is and all kinds of things. all of which is made worse by his memory problems #and by the fact that he outweighs my mom by a good 100lbs. so when he fell in the tub and couldn't get himself out she had to call for help #had to have a church friend who is more than a foot taller than her drive over to help maneuver my dad out of the bathtub #he's also getting obstinate and angry and saying that my mom and my nb sibling who lives with them are the ones with mental problems #all of which means I think they're going to need in-home healthcare ASAP. if not a round-the-clock facility. it's coming sooner or later #but Dad still hasn't officially retired so he's still on his own insurance which apparentlydoesn't have any coverage for that sort of thing #so Mom has to get him to file the paperwork to officially retire and then get him on her insurance. hopefully without a huge confrontation #and I feel like we're running out of time. that he's going to need that care before all the paperwork has time to clear once its started #I feel like we've been barely surviving horrific river rapids and now I'm the ONLY one pointing out that there's a massive waterfall coming #ignoring it won't make it go away or take longer to get here. it'll just hit us with even fewer preparations in place #I have enlisted the help of siblings so hopefully we can convince Mom of the importance of getting the paperwork started #but Mom is so mired in her own grief and busy with work (and she can't quit bc of the health insurance) and unable to get the help she needs #that it's tricky to bring up any of this sort of thing in a helpful way. and all the while Dad is getting worse #meanwhile I'm trying to deal with my own grief and manage my own chronic health situation. and still call Dad twice a week just to chat #and holy hell I'm just so TIRED