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#so there's never been any way to fix it
arsenicflame · 10 months
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stede is 'oh this place has something related to my interest i must go in immediately' autistic and izzy is 'if we deviate one inch from my plan for today i will murder someone' autistic
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mudstoneabyss · 2 months
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actually. the specific phrasing that boy Kevin wants to kill older Kevin with "I must disassemble him, piece by piece, so that everything inside of the Old Kevin comes out. Only then can the New Kevin truly begin." is so incredibly the idea that to heal from trauma and "improve" you have to destroy every "wrong" part of yourself, that everything "tainted" by it has to somehow be replaced by something untouched (which isn't possible)
#reading back that phrasing I do think that'll be the way brinknor takes it#this arcs seeming like it'll be so. breaking the cycle of abuse and violence and coming to terms with yourself#and maybe understanding that you can never remove the parts of you impacted by trauma and start again completely ''pure''#but you can treat yourself with the kindness you should've been given#which i hope it is that because. and understand i am biased. but i'd love that direction for Kevin#it feels much more satisfying than any more. angsty way this arc could go imo#like he's been through enough!#because of the way Kevin is portrayed in fanon. not as frequently anymore but still pretty common. I worry about coming off as woobifying#by saying I want him to heal I want him to have nice things I think he deserves them#when he's also simultaneously Not A Good Person#yknow the poor little innocent cinnamon roll baby etc etc fanon#but. well for one im Not Like That about him. but my main point of bringing that up is. him not being a good person is why I want to see hi#get better and generally have a good life. why does someone have to be good to deserve to heal from trauma#especially when trauma is a big reason for the way they are#like its fiction yeah yeah i'm still tired of mentally ill people having to be ''good'' to ''deserve'' to get better yknow#i mean especially in fiction you tend to either see mental illness as the poor traumatized one who's allowed recovery because they're nice#or the insane psychopath who cant be ''fixed'' so ''deserves'' bad things-up to deserving to die!- for it#i didnt mean for this to be a rant erm. oops#wtnv#wtnv spoilers#joyousposting
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aroaceleovaldez · 1 year
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Every description about Nico (especially the canon ones) describing him as “cold” can personally fight me. Nico is jaded, yes, and often closed-off and sometimes stand-offish and defensive but he is not "cold”. He cares SO SO SO MUCH about EVERYONE. He loves and cares with his entire heart constantly and that is a core part of his character. He doesn’t often make public shows of his affection but he takes care to be kind when it matters and doesn’t hide that he does care (usually, the only exception really being him being in the closet, but even then he only hid his crush specifically and not the fact that Percy is important to him). He fine with hugging his friends in front of a crowd and will sit with strangers at a campfire just so they’re not alone. I mean, heck, he’s an extrovert! We know this! He actively seeks out people and gets lonely very quickly and easily! If he can’t talk to living people he will chat with the dead! That’s how much he thrives on being social!
The only time Nico has ever been actively “cold” was the couple of months between TTC and BoTL when he was actively mourning Bianca. Nico is not “cold.” He loves so much and he does show it, just in his own way.
#pjo#riordanverse#nico di angelo#analysis#brought to you by: I saw a blurb for TSATS that said something like ''Will melted through Nico's icy heart/cold exterior''#and it made me want to tear something apart with my teeth because of how Blatantly Incorrect that is#like that is a disservice to both their characters.#a.) Will did not ''fix'' Nico or ''change'' him or anything. He is just a source of joy in Nico's life#TOA even explicitly acknowledges that them dating did not ''fix'' Nico and that Nico is actively getting outside help for his trauma/etc#and b.) Nico is not cold!!! He has never been a cold person!!! there's a reason ''emo'' is short for ''emotional!''#Nico's character is ENTIRELY DRIVEN BY LOVE AND CARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE#yes he's jaded but he's only jaded in a way of being afraid of letting people into his life because he's afraid to lose them#not that it stops him because it sure does keep happening anyways because SURPRISE. HE LOVES TOO MUCH.#HE LITERALLY CANNOT HELP HIMSELF HE LOVES PEOPLE SO STRONGLY AND SO DEEPLY HE CANNOT STAY JADED ABOUT IT#he just keeps going ''Okay *THIS* time I won't let this person into my life to risk heartbreak- AW FUCK I'VE DONE IT AGAIN''#SO MUCH of his character is entirely driven by ''I care about people. I dont want them to suffer what i have suffered or suffer at all''#like really the only times we ever see Nico being actively angry/snappy at people#is like a.) He is either actively being majorly hurt or has just recently been majorly hurt (Bianca's death. Being outed. etc)#b.) Someone is hurting others is going to bring harm to others (Calling out his dad in TLO. Killing Bryce)#or c.) Someone is doubting or calling into question his lived experiences (Basically any scene where people say he's pushing people away)#other than that Nico actually tends to give people way more lenience than necessary. he will put up with a LOT#and he won't even call people out on it or hold a grudge about it (i see you alleged Nico's fatal flaw. you're wrong)#unless it's like. something A Lot Of People Do Often (ex: push him away/exclude him/etc)#at which point he might be like. mildly upset about it but not much more then that. which is just a normal measured response.#anyways Nico's not cold he's just autistic
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home from work
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#if I speak…#one of the girls walked out yesterday#the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already#they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time#micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts)#and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him#bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can#so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO#anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need#it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning#and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today#we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao#and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before#we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day#we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left#it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo#*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having#to wait a long time for their food#and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO#I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take#stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess#I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every#night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had#nothing to make the wraps with <3#I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap#and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used#they’re a fucking disaster like 😭#was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess#this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up#womp womp!!!!!!
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leverage-ot3 · 1 year
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got my rib tattoo fixed. never getting a colored rib tattoo again fuck dear god that hurt like fuck
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skunkes · 6 months
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General oc talkkkk
I feel like i have to Do something with al once i take him off the shelf again (when my brain lets go of talon for another few months), ive been motivated to draw talon because he sits in my brain and i imagine interactions but it's much harder with al since al has been around for 10 years or more...and Al has like. Less conflict? In the sense of him just being a nice kind guy with regular human issues in a normal human world (or cow with regular individual issues in a normal furry world lol) ykwim?
Like. Talon is exaggerated he's a caricature of feelings to play with he's got lots of internal contradictions... and outside of that the whole Setting is easy to play with too, like, he's a vampire and those elements are more fun to think about and incorporate and build up in a way that requires a bit more brainpower of the fun variety (can make shit up) than Just a Regular Guy (has to be nore realistic, less fun to research), but less brainpower than, say, my abandoned Space Ocs where it was way harder for me to just make shit up, and way more to make shit up about (not as fun for me)
Idk! Its easy to imagine Talon in interactions, including ones with Al, or just self exploring dialogue....
Other than cute interactions between al and smunker its a lot harder to find stuff with him...he's a guy living in our regular world... his life has been fairly normal and he's good and nice. And i wouldnt change any of those things just to change em but there's less conflict other than the usual internal stuff all humans experience. I think if he wasnt my imaginary bf I would have shelved him more permanently like the oc group he came with...
There's something about how i very rarely make ocs, he's technically my oldest oc and talon is my newest oc, talon is what i Feel making ocs should feel like. And he's only over a year old. And he's still not even what I would call a well written character in any capacity. And yet i dont think i could very easily replicate this again ykwim. Im so bad at writing, and ..... creating....! Idk how people do any of it....i just wanna extend my ocs lives and my interest in them forever...
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pocketramblr · 9 months
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maybe the answer to "what should Twi's backstory be" is "well what would be the funniest for Time to respond to Rusl casually mentioning where he found the kid?"
#unfortunately the answer still remains 'all of them'#Time: if you dont mind my asking how did he come to be in your care?#Rusl: well i was passing through a burned out ranch on my way into hyrule#Time: oh i see where this is going#Rusl: and i met a scholar on the run with his two sons- the younger had just been born with some kinda birthmark on his hand that freaked#him out real bad so after a bit of explanation i took the kid home with me.#OR#Rusl: and i met a woman there descended from the old ranchers. helped her fix a cart and get back to town. she runs a bar there. that night#a poor woman went into labor alone. didn't make it but there was the baby and Telma couldnt care for him so i took him home#OR.#Rusl: i thought it a bad omen and i was right- there was need in hyrule for a resistance. i met a man there- a royal tutor- and well. long#story short i ran out of the castle nursery with a stolen baby. dont tell link that.#OR..#Rusl: and weirdest thing was in that burned out ranch there was a golden wolf. it gave me the chase back into the woods and there was a bab#just left out there on a tree stump#OR...#Rusl: and there was a stalfos on the ranch. he just handed me the baby and said his name was link. Uli never believed me but#OR....#Rusl: met a girl there later at the ranch- her family used to own it- and we got along well enough. He takes more after her than me#Time (responding to literally any of those): W H A T#sorry (isnt sorry) been thinking about twilight...... and loz in general today
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peapod20001 · 7 months
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I’m the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3
#random post#me tag ∠( ᐛ 」 ) |/#I’m not an overly emotional person in the stereotypical way. but I do get in my feels when thinking about life and the experience of living#I’m like. constantly explaining things to myself cus there’s never really a time or place to talk about it#also my method of explaining things is very not coherent sometimes. so it takes me a bit to really get my point across in a comprehensible#way. I’m a big thinker. I have many thoughts and ideas a views. a daily thing of mine is noticing problems#and then fixing them in my head with thought out explanations and motives and outcomes#it’s like I’m talking to someone else. much like how I format my text posts. that’s how my inner monologue is#me talking to myself is actually me talking to someone else. someone that isn’t real#anyways it’s a daily occurrence. every day of my life is spent with thoughts similar to those breaking down a movie#lots of thoughts from adhd. compulsive thoughts from ocd. overwhelming thoughts from autism. distressing thoughts from bpd#ya. this isn’t a vent I just need to like. see the thoughts in writing so I can do smth else. like eat this muffin ive been staring at for#over an hour now <3 mmmbfbg yea muffins are hard to eat now cus I had some with mold and food mold especially is a big nono for me#spend like. five minutes examining the damn thing before I even consider taking a bite. I’m very hungry an thirsty </3#when your mouth is so dry you can taste your own mouth 👍 I’m experiencing#nothing in particular. just experiencing. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like having an experience and living#drank my tea and I had like. hallucinations of like an alcohol prep pad. I’ve been using those in my ear cus. tmi. had a pimple that’s#causing problems so mom suggested that. it burned! which means it worked so word. I’ve noticed lately that both me AND my family have been#using ‘word’ a lot. dad says we’ve been saying it but no we haven’t. if we had I’d have BEEN saying it. maybe we’ve used it before for a bit#but now it’s back. idk. I’ve said it in class on more than one occasion lmao I don’t look like the type to say smth like that but whatever#it’s like when I used to say bro after every sentence like 10 years ago lol. we’re a family of parrots we repeat eachother a lot#I started saying I love you out of no where and they started doing it too. we whistle at eachother from across the house. sing ear worms#together. quote funny things at every opportunity and drive the joke into the ground. everyone in this house is a different kind of mentally#I’ll and it’s the most beautiful clash of personalities because we’re all so annoying and we love eachother so much and also our#communication is shit because some ppl have hearing loss and another is a short fused child and some are quick to interrupt and some dont#get a word in and some just can’t explain and some can’t understand. we get there eventually at some point. we don’t get the full grasp of#how much we love eachother yet. but we’re gettin there. anyways this went into several different directions but they’re all good ones#I think. if you read all this good on you! this is my brain 24/7/365 haha ok love you
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kohakhearts · 4 months
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well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas
#taylor.txt#incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks#like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any#treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i#despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it#i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni#thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious#anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week#and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why#the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments#has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but#theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed#again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude#i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process#and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to#say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is#also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over#i PROMMY
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leofrith · 8 months
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acv hate on my dash and i can't even be mad about it because they make some good points 😶
#like yes it was extremely fucking weird to have us play as a viking with all the violence that entails#while conveniently sidestepping any real consequences for that violence or contending with the results of that violence#because you're too afraid that lingering on it for too long might make your protag look bad#it's like they suddenly decided that their audience is too stupid to deal with moral ambiguity. in the moral ambiguity franchise.#this is once again drifting towards my forever argument that making these games rpgs was a mistake#or rather making these games *half-assed* rpgs was a mistake#and weakens the narrative bc there's never any meaningful follow through for any decisions#including some of the decisions that we the player don't even get to make ourselves#like i think having a set narrative would eliminate a lot of the problems with this game's writing#because they clearly weren't willing to take the rpg elements all the way#also just... make it smaller. there's too many arcs and too many diversions from the main narrative#which while a lot of them admittedly have some fun character moments they probably should not have been required to advance the main story#and with no mission replay or ng+ it's just so prohibitive to replay unless you're like me (deeply mentally ill and in love with eivor)#the point being that dissonance has always bugged me about this game. i could fix her i could fix her i could fix her#anyway. hi i'm gonna go do that ask game now ajdgjhdsf#the nerve pain last night was making it difficult to be on the computer. tbh it also is right now but we soldier on 🫠#ky posts text#ac.txt
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bad haircut incident leaves thousands in the area suffering acute psychic distress, more at the 11 o’clock
#I’m going somewhere else to get it fixed tomorrow & this place is refunding me but I did cry so much in the car on the way home. so.#you can’t just. cut people’s hair any which way without? consulting them?#& I specifically said my hair curls differently in the front and she said oh curly girl cut then and it. oh my god?#you don’t cut curly hair soaked and pulled straight#I realize some of this is on me bc I should’ve said something but I was kinda??? stunned??? and just oh my god#not to mention she dyed it red when it was supposed to be my hair color with just a little subtle pink in it#exactly like the photos I showed#and like the photo she showed Me#& it’s not just hair my hair is a huge part of my identity & I have a relatively healthy ego right but my confidence is shot to pieces#& she tapered it but literally exactly the opposite of how I like it it’s supposed to be long in the front and short in the back but only#SLIGHTLY and the extreme layers are supposed to only be in the back#she like gave me a mullet with shitty bangs#& yknow sometimes you think it’s the salon lighting & the way they styled it! and it’s better how I do it but it’s not hard#to be better when it was fucking bad to begin with#she’s nice & I had a nice time chatting but good god never again#the manager who called me back about the refund was like “we may not be able to book you for appointments for awhile but feel free#to call if you have any questions” & in my head I was like “getting another appointment was literally never on the table but thanks”#going somewhere else to get it fixed & should’ve gone there first but they use devacurl and I’m very :/ about my hair falling out#next time I’m just gonna drive To The City for it I don’t wanna! cry over my hair! this was supposed to be a treat bc I’ve been#cutting it since college to save money & then pandemic & just :( I don’t want anyone else touching my hair now (other than#the people fixing it)#& this will be fine it will grow back but it is devastating me in this moment right now#there’s been too much going on & this was not supposed to be added to the list
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lovers-instead · 2 months
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AND FUCK HS^2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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marblerose-rue · 2 years
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icecloud/request
she is so very <3 i think shes neat
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twipsai · 2 months
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thinking more,,
#i cant help but feel horribly heartbroken every time i hear whats happening in gaza as well as so many other places#it feels like-- like none of this had to happen#i guess ive never even been in the same universe as someone who even sees one death as a solution#let alone thousands#as a jew especially it feels horrible#like this happened to us. and we're just doing it to someone else??? why??????#because if you walk into someones home kindly they will take you in. walk in with a gun and theres gonna be tension#i dont understand at all#and like maybe im naive. maybe im just young and my brain hasnt developed yet#and when im an adult ill understand how people could ever think war solves any problem#but. i just think its literally never fixed anything#sometimes people suck. should NOT kill them over it#and thats not even true in this situation!!! israel fucking sucks and theyre the ones commiting a genocide here!!!!!!!#if you walked in peacefully none of this wouldve happened#pass over is soon. and we'll say prayers and eat matza and have lots of food#and those across the globe will do the same. and yet they are murdering people#and we'll be in our safe warm houses and they will be dying#shouldnt there be some way to help them all???? america is one of the richest countries in the world and we're actively hurting them..#i genuinely cant fathom how people could ever think like that#i dont think evil exists but then i look at the world and i realize weve gotten pretty damn close#and yet i still have to wake up tomorrow#and i still have my own life to live#and the world doesnt stop for me to mourn strangers#i hate all of it. why cant we just be nice to people#anyways. ive just been trying mostly to avoid this topic esp online#this is my little safety zone and ive never really been one for politics; esp things that i dont understand#yknow i dont wanna spread misinfo; and at the same time i dont have the energy or knowledge to fact check#plus the whole emotional toll in a place that i just wanna unwind in#idk. i think im starting to feel like i cant just ignore all these posts anymore. im kinda starting to feel like i wanna scream#all of this really fucking sucks. this shouldnt be happening
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foxgirlmoth · 2 months
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So my life is feeling like its on an upward swing since this is my final semester for my associates, I'm starting a new job real soon and also possibly have a really nice remote job if I hear back from a few places I recently applied to.
And it always terrifies me when good stuff starts happening.
Change is really hard for me especially when it feels like its all at once. With better pay comes the opportunity to leave my parent's house finally and move in with a girl who has lovingly stolen my heart. With my school behind me I can find better jobs even!
But at the same time, its just. So scary for me. What if I can't keep up my part of rent. What if my chronic pain or ADHD or other disabilities put a strain on someone I love to my core, and I end up making things worse because I get extremely emotional and will scream (at myself mostly) and panic during these high stress times (especially if money is involved)
I've had a 'safety net' of family members who barely tolerate the fake me I present myself as, and I know my mental health is going to be so much better when I'm not around them, but at the same time I need so much help sometimes. Family just happens to help in terms of shelter and food. It also doesn't help that the one other time I moved out it ended so so poorly that I'm still working through that trauma.
Hurting the love of my life in any way fucking terrifies me. I want nothing but the best for her always always always. I just know I can't always be at my best, its impossible to be. I will break at some point and probably scream and cry about how things aren't going nearly to plan and I'm so weak so often I don't know if I can pull myself together fast enough to not hurt myself or her with my untrue words.
#I used to have (What I'm pretty sure now were autism) meltdowns so bad when I was younger.#I was always told I was selfish and that I can't expect to have x thing or y thing fixed#And I would scream and slam my hands against my legs and the ground#Its never been pretty#I just learned to cry before it gets to that point now and I just sob so fucking much#But if it feels like my life is over? I just. I just can't. I'll still scream and cry and pulp my legs bruised and hands bleeding#And showing my wife all of me includes all of these things I hate. This could happen if I move in with her#I haven't had a meltdown in a while from what I remember#It was probably right after I moved back in with my parents. And was pretty much coerced into an environment I felt extremely unsafe in.#tw self harm#jic cause I have mentioned beating myself#I haven't been close to a meltdown around my love at all tbh so maybe I'm scared for no reason. I mostly just cry because#Thats what happens when any emotion runs high#<- Girl who is currently crying typing all thid#also I hope no one reads hurting her as physically. I've never thrown a punch in my life. Well. I guess except at myself#Huh thats the first time I've thought of it that way. That sucks#I just know that 1. Being loud in general would not be nice to either of us. and 2. I can be a bitch! I can say some rancid shit!#And that would! Be fucking bad and hurt! And I so desperately don't want that#And I know accidentally hurting someone is something you need to expect when you're in a close relationship with someone#It still fucking sucks though#AUGH I just needed to type this all out I'n feeling better already. I'm just a scared girl so often.#I want to live more and more each day so I know I'll make it. Even if I do it scared. I guess I hope you see this honey#Since this is stuff I should be talking about with you#Getting my thoughts sorted though before talking is good though. The reason I type this on fucking tumblr is because it helps me think#Also being vulnerable and letting friends and mutuals and the like see all this is a chance for me to better myself I suppose#This has been a runa rant#runa diary#I have a habit of overthinking. Methinks#Honestly my current safety net of family has been pretty fucking bad#The one time I earned a little bit more money than I needed for bills I was basically stripped of a lot of it paying my folks rent
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skybristle · 2 months
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love being emotionally neglected and honestly lowkey physically. this shit is awesome. i wanna go bash my head in
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