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#so this is just a general cas drawing

bluepeachstudios · 3 months

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So. Cass' Apocalyptic Series by @somerandomdudelmao just ended.

I have many emotions none of which I can properly convey through words or anything. CAS itself has been a continuing beacon of creative light that's been lovely to see progress, and has inspired me through so many things, and I could go on about it but I cannot get into it without crying so I won't, I hope the sentiment comes across.

Cass did fanart of Ghost in the Shell HERE. It was like. I dunno. The third or fourth drawing of GitS I'd gotten from someone else? And the fact that Cass of all people had done it was like, wild to me at the time. I was still kind of reeling from the fact that people even liked my work at all? But Cass said it was good and I was like "oh damn must be good then" and kept writing. She also did THIS animation of Ghost which I still cry at whenever I watch it it's fine.

THEN THE PEEPAW POLLS HAPPENED. OH LORD. I made so many friends. I met so many people through that. I've never. In my life had this many people I could just talk to at any time. I never knew what to say either so I ended up just hanging out and getting dragged wherever the wind took me. It got me into doing polls in general!

Ghost made it to the FINAL ROUND??? Still confused about that. Then Uncle Tello won and Cass did a comic and I wrote something and I cried when I read the comic and I was still kind of processing so I ended up drawing something as well.

Then the next time GitS and CAS met was at the TMNT AU competition. It happened. Like almost DIRECTLY after Uncle Tello died in CAS so I was processing again and I do that through Ghost apparently so I drew a lil comic and wrote a lil somethin.

And then they never met again! But I like to think that some version of Ghost somewhere got to see the end.

GitS Part 2 has been kinda hard for me to write. I had to take a big break from it due to health stuff, and getting back into writing it wasn't as easy as before. And even after Part 2 is over, I still have the movie to do. My interest in TMNT is never going away, even after GitS I have other projects I want to finish, and that I've wanted to work on while writing GitS, but. y'know.

I'm determined to finish it. Drawing an x on my wrist. I really want to give Ghost the ending I've been imagining. And Cass has been someone really cool to look up to while I've been working on that.

So. Yeah. If Cass can get to the good ending, maybe I can do it too.

Love you Cass. Thanks for everything!

#tmnt ghost in the shell #atlas #cass apocalyptic series #ame art

2K notes · View notes

anashins · 2 years

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The Other Brother

Pairing: Taeyong x You (feat. Jaehyun)

Genre: fiancé’s younger brother au, runaway bride, mutual pining (they just don’t know it yet), hate to love, angst, romance, smut

Warnings: rough smut, choking, mc is two years older

Word Count: 15.8k

Summary: Your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, but mere hours before the ceremony, you get cold feet and seek shelter with your fiancé's younger brother - the last place on earth where you want to be as you have never gotten along. But as the time of your wedding draws closer, you start to think that you might have ended up with the wrong brother after all.

Six hours before the wedding

You and Taeyong have known each other for ten long years, starting from when you were seventeen and he fifteen. And for every single one of those years, you’ve ignored, offended, argued, mocked and generally rubbed each other up the wrong way.

When you thought about your fiancé’s younger brother, you remembered how he threw sand on your food, called you a crybaby, shoved you into the pool, kicked a ball at you, hid bugs under your pillow, and many more worse things.

Yes… Jaehyun’s younger brother was the total opposite of him.

Where your fiancé was warm, kind and good-hearted, Taeyong was cruel, mean and ruthless - but not only to you. He hated everyone and everything, and it seemed the entire world hated him too. Though only you, he appeared to despise more than anyone else, and you had never quite understood why, having given up approaching him a long time ago.

Throughout all those years, you had never been able to form a bond. Yet, he was the only person you considered calling when you ran away from your own wedding.

“Ca- can you please come pick me up?”

Your phone was shaking in your hand as you pressed it closer to your ear, barely being able to hear him at the other line due to the loud noise the rain made as it mercilessly pattered onto the asphalt. It was already soaking through your hair and bright white gown, not only wetting, but also dirtying the garment in which you were supposed to walk down the aisle in a few hours.

This downpour was the forerunner of autumn, and the next season was approaching early this year. The sudden drop in temperature made you shiver, but you hadn’t been able to grab a jacket before running out of the venue. Since it was still early in the morning, you had been all alone while trying on the gown and waiting for the others - the possible worst mistake you could have made on the day of your wedding. Suddenly, panic had taken over you and you felt like you couldn’t breathe anymore.

Taeyong didn’t ask questions over the phone, he only wanted to know, “Where are you now?”

“At-... at the wedding venue…”

“I’ll be there.”

You were waiting under a tree in the driveway, silently praying that none of the employees you had hired for your big day would start their shift so early except for the ones who had opened the venue for you. To them, you had said you needed some fresh air and dismissed all questions about why you ran out into the pouring rain in your wedding gown and with no umbrella for protection.

Tires squealed when a black car came to a halt in front of you. Either he had been incredibly fast or you had been too swept up in your thoughts while waiting. Nonetheless, you ruffled the long tulle skirt around your waist and sprinted through the rain right to the vehicle where the door already opened for you from the inside, collecting the meters and meters of fabric until every inch of the pompous dress fitted with you on the seat.

As soon as the door fell closed, you felt like a huge burden had been lifted off your shoulders, like you had finally gotten rid of a pesky chaser. But today was your wedding day, and no one was supposed to feel like this on their own wedding day.

“Thank you.”

“Where to?” Taeyong asked, the car already moving.

He was not dressed according to his duty today as the best man, but casually as though he had quickly thrown some clothes together before driving here. He was a night owl, partying very often and very hard, and you only now noticed that at this time of the day, he probably only came home from a club. Or threw out a woman.

“Just… away, please.”

“There is a jacket in the backseat. Take it.”

“Thank you.”

You turned around and reached for the leather jacket that was sprawled out behind the driver’s seat. At first, you were reluctant in case it was from one of his flings who had forgotten it here, but as you put it on, it hung way too loose around your upper body, indicating that this really was Taeyong’s after all.

You shivered a bit less with the jacket on and your heart felt lighter as well the further you drove away from the venue, the view onto the building already blurred by the rain in the rear mirror. Good, just far away from it, anywhere was fine. You hadn’t chosen this venue yourself anyway, just like the dress. Everything was so big, too much, too pretentious. You hadn’t wanted this all.

The gown’s fabric felt wet and heavy in your hands and you tried to place it in a way that would make it easier for you to sit while Taeyong was driving silently, not uttering a word, not even throwing side glances at you. If it were Jaehyun sitting next to you, he would have already bombarded you with questions as to why you had run away from the venue at such short notice.

But Taeyong didn’t inquire about anything. That was the reason why you had called for him in the first place and not for anyone else. You had never had some kind of relationship. He would not bother you, he would not try to sympathize with your situation.

Time passed, having enveloped you in silence until the car came to a halt right in front of a place you had only been to once when you had lost your keys and Jaehyun was out of town. Even back then, you had only spoken the bare minimum to each other as he had thrown the keys out of his window with you catching it on the street.

“I figured the last place anyone would ever search for you was at mine.”

He was right. Nobody would search for a runaway bride at the groom’s younger brother’s home she had never formed a bond with.

The rainfall hadn’t stopped, and you found it ironic that after weeks of pure sunshine, it rained only on this day like it was some kind of bad omen. You left the car after Taeyong, the long tulle skirt more of a hindrance than you had expected, but he was by your side within seconds and held the door open so that you could get out without stumbling.

With hurried steps, you then followed him inside the building, the smell of mold and old furniture instantly meeting your nose. Taeyong didn’t live in a modern penthouse like you and Jaehyun, but in a single apartment at the other side of the city where you would usually never step foot in. Yet, it was the most secure place for you right now.

Reaching the third floor by foot, your wedding gown now felt as heavy as though the fabric was made of bricks. You stood awkwardly by the door after entering while Taeyong walked further into his flat without waiting for you.

“You coming?” He asked, turning his head back to you, his gaze lazy. “What are you waiting for?”

The tips of his platinum blonde dyed hair were wet as well from helping you out of the car, and he already had a towel around his shoulders where the small droplets fell on. You had always been fascinated by this unconventional color and his courage to just go through with it. Only now, you admitted to yourself that he pulled it off quite well.

You set one foot after another, slipping out of your sneakers that you then neatly placed next to the door. Despite this place not being yours and having other rules or no rules at all, you stuck to your routines before following Taeyong into the living room.

“Wait here,” he said and disappeared into the room behind the living room which you assumed was where he slept before coming out a minute later with a staple of clothes and a towel in his hands. “Here. I figured you would want to take a shower and change your clothes.”

He was right. “Thank you. And I’m sorry about ruining your leather jacket.”

“Don’t worry about that. The bathroom is over there.”

You took the new clothings and the towel into your arms and went to where he was pointing his finger at. Surprisingly, it was the cleanest bathroom you had ever been in, even challenging yours. You hadn’t pegged Taeyong to be the neat type like you. But then again, you didn’t know him at all, so you had no right to be taken aback when you were so judgemental.

You first took off Taeyong’s leather jacket and started shivering all over again. It smelled like Taeyong himself - of lemongrass and ginger. Very manly, very significant. You knew because his car had also smelled of that and he left a faint scent wherever he went for years.

“You need help?” Taeyong asked, peeking into the bathroom as you hadn’t closed the door yet.

“Can you help me unzip the gown, please?”

“Sure.”

You didn’t know how you had gotten into it yourself, but taking off a dress was sometimes much harder than getting into one, especially as this one was a custom. You had never quite liked the heart neckline without straps, how tight the corset hugged around your cleavage and the meters of tulle that spread out like a cupcake from your waist downwards. It was excessive and flamboyant. It just wasn’t you.

You turned your back to Taeyong, and his fingers felt warm against your skin when he took the zip into his hand and pulled it all down.

“Thank you.”

“It doesn’t suit you anyway,” he deadpanned on his way out.

“... what?”

“The dress.”

“I don’t need an insult now, Taeyong,” you sighed. “It’s not the time.”

“It was not an insult,” he cleared up monotonously. “I was just indicating that a more classic wedding dress would have suited you much better.”

A classic wedding dress, hm. A dress made of rich silk in the color of ivory that hugged you at the right parts and flowed down in an a-line. That was what you had dreamed of as well. But Jaehyun and your families had always pictured something else for you.

“I think so too,” you admitted before you closed the door behind you.

____

Five hours before the wedding

You stepped out of the bathroom in a pair of gray sweats that hung loose around your waist and a white t-shirt that was way too big for you too as they all belonged to Taeyong. But at least you had been able to get rid of that dress you hated so much.

You still dried your wet hair with a towel, smelling of lemongrass and ginger yourself now as you had used Taeyong’s shower gel. He was sitting in the kitchen preparing some rice and side dishes as you walked in.

“I don’t own a hair dryer, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine without one. What are you doing?”

“Breakfast. I don’t know whether you’ve eaten yet or if you’re hungry at all. But I am… and just in case you’re too… I’m trying my best with what I already have.”

Breakfast consisted of leftover rice, fried eggs and some pickled tomatoes, but you were still grateful for him to stand in the kitchen and make all these despite not having expected guests.

“Thank you.”

“Please stop thanking me,” Taeyong urged when he placed the rice on two different bowls and brought them over to the table. Then, the eggs and tomatoes on other ones. “I lost count on how many times you thanked me already within the past hour. More than in all those years combined.”

“You’ve never given me any reason to thank you in the first place.”

He glared at you.

“I’m sorry, that was inappropriate,” you apologized sincerely. “I should be grateful for your hospitality.”

He simply ignored it. “Eat up before it gets cold.”

You took a seat opposite of him and put some eggs and tomatoes on your rice. It was a simple dish, but only now you realized how hungry you actually were since you hadn’t been able to eat anything since last evening - out of excitement. Or fear. You weren’t quite able to distinguish these two yet.

Suddenly, Taeyong’s phone started vibrating. But instead of looking at it, he looked at you while chewing. “Where is your phone?”

Your eyes widened, and in reflex, you touched the pockets of your joggers. “I assume I lost it while running to your car, or in this thick dress, I don’t know. My family must already be at the venue for the preparations though, and I’m supposed to be there too by now. They must be worried.”

Taeyong’s eyes darted to his phone, then back to you. “It's your mother. I should buy you some time to figure out what to do next.”

“But why is she calling you?”

“I suppose she called everyone else already.”

Until now, the damage that you had done hadn’t dawned on you yet. But for your mother to call Taeyong, she must be worried sick.

“You want to talk to her yourself?”

“No. I still need to collect… my thoughts.”

“Okay.” Taeyong picked up his phone and greeted your mother. “I also don’t know where she is, I’m sorry… Perhaps, she’s gone to the tailor to get something on her dress fixed… Yes I will call when I know. Bye.”

Now, you were the one who glared at him, chewing angrily. “That’s the best you could come up with? Doesn’t sound so plausible or something that could take hours.”

“You should thank me in case you decide to show back up there. We can go anytime you want and nobody needs to know about your… temporary breakout.”

“It’s not temporary. I won’t be showing up at all,” you confessed reluctantly and placed the fork back on the top of the bowl after only a few bites, suddenly not feeling hungry at all anymore. The following words took you much overcoming. “I’m just collecting my thoughts to put them into the right words and tell him, them all. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing again?” He carried on with eating as though you hadn’t just dropped a bombshell.

“Because I’m blowing up a wedding that’s been the highlight for so many people. The guests, the money, the-”

“Screw the money, it will all come back,” Taeyong interrupted. “And screw the people. It’s not their wedding, it doesn’t matter what anyone else feels. It’s your decision alone.” Taeyong’s voice was calm and he put another bite of side dishes on his rice, appearing totally unfazed even though it clearly involved his brother. It was his wedding too.

You didn’t dare to dig deeper, to question what he exactly meant with that, why he was so supportive and didn’t talk you out of it, dragging you down the aisle himself if he must. Did he think he dodged a bullet and was secretly happy to finally get rid of you? Then why had he driven you all the way here and didn’t kick you out into the pouring rain again?

The rest of the breakfast was taken in silence and you volunteered to do the dishes. You didn’t leave it at that though and proceeded to not only clean the table, but also the tiles around the stove, although everything was already very spic and span. You just needed something to do until you knew how to proceed with the day. By the time you were done, your hair was also dry.

“You know you’re a guest and not my cleaning lady, right? Besides, it’s already very clean here,” Taeyong dropped in passing, peeking into the kitchen.

“It helps me get occupied and think about what to do next.”

“Don’t forget the refrigerator if you’re already at it, I never come around to do it myself.”

You stuck out your tongue, but couldn’t help it and bit down a chuckle.

____

Four hours before the wedding

With wrinkled fingers, you stepped into the living room where Taeyong was seated on the couch, watching TV. Your dress had found its way from the bathroom to a hanger by the door, a bit cleaner, but not less wet than before. Taeyong must have brought it out while you were occupied in the kitchen.

“I assumed you would want to store it and let it dry until then.” He looked up to you. “That is… if you still want to keep it.” His look was wary, but full of expectation.

“I want to burn it.” Taeyong, who had always been the reckless and the most unratable person you knew, was now the one getting startled. “I don’t want to wear it ever again. I don’t even want to look at it.”

He hesitated. “I’ll put it away, okay?”

Taeyong stood up and took the dress with the hanger from the door. He brought it over to his bedroom so that it was out of your sight. At the very same moment, his cell phone began to ring. Your mother again, as you saw on the display. Of course, the time of the ceremony was drawing closer and there was no sight of the bride herself.

“What should I say this time?” Taeyong wanted to know from you upon his return.

“That the wedding today won’t happen.”

While you were in the kitchen, you had had enough time to think this all through. Your wedding day was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, not the most miserable one. There were no right words to tell your mother that you weren’t getting married anymore though, so you should just go with it by heart. You agreed on Taeyong inventing something until you got your phone back and were able to call your mother.

“I also don’t know where she is now anymore, I just heard from a friend… No, I don’t remember which one,” were the words you heard Taeyong speak in the bedroom while you sat on the couch, staring at the TV that was still running, but not quite absorbing the flickering pictures. “I’m supposed to meet with Jaehyun in an hour at the venue. I’ll be there soon, then we can talk.”

When Taeyong returned, he was already fully dressed with his shoes on and then reached for the leather jacket that you had worn shortly before. The keys were dangling in his fingers. “I will look for your phone at the spot where I picked you up. And they haven’t told my brother yet that you’re still not there, so I have to hurry before they break it down to him in the most insensitive way possible.”

Brother… Of course. How could you have been so ignorant and made it all about you? Jaehyun was Taeyong’s brother. The sole fact that you were here and seeking shelter probably already put him into a conflict of interest. Now, you even demanded him to do the dirty job for you. He should stay with his brother, supporting him throughout this hard time. Instead, you had forced yourself onto him, the one responsible for this entire turmoil.

“I… I am the one who isn’t supposed to be here,” you murmured more to yourself than to him. “I shouldn’t have dragged you into this�� I was so selfish. I should go back and explain it to everyone, I should just… I should… I’ll fix this myself now.”

Like in a trance, you put your feet from the couch back on the ground, preparing yourself to leave, but Taeyong held you back by your shoulder. His hand dropped down to your arm until they found your cold palm, his fingers enclosing around yours in a reassuring gesture.

“Do you feel like going there?” His gaze was impenetrable, a great contrast to his comforting touch. Both possible responses could be right and wrong. “Answer me honestly, do you feel like seeing my brother? And I’m not referring to today. Do you feel like spending your life my brother… at all?”

“No.”

This answer came quickly and honestly, and Taeyong decided to act on it before you could change your mind. He arose, but this time it was you who held him back by his hand, scared to let go of him. Your expression showed desperation, and a bit of hope. You didn’t want him to go. You didn’t want to be alone right now.

And as though he was able to read your thoughts, he said, in the most tender tone you had ever witnessed him use with his thumb gently brushing over the back of your hand, “I’ll be back shortly, I promise.”

____

Three hours before the wedding

Taeyong’s lifestyle was entirely different from yours, the life you lived with Jaehyun. You were minimalistic, modern and followed an industrial interior design. Taeyong’s was a chaotic mess, he didn’t follow any style at all.

While his kitchen was kept unoccupied and clean just like his bathroom where you had even noticed every etiquette of a bottle facing in the same direction, his living room was blocked with cabinets, shelves and even showcases where he displayed a collection of shoes and different figurines, some you recognized as animes as well as lego from different series and franchises.

Also in the living room, next to the big TV, he had set up his gaming corner with three different screens. On the other side, something you oddly only noticed now, he kept fishes in a big tank. You hadn’t been aware that he was taking care of animals - a trait you had always been assured of said a lot about people: that they treated others with respect, that they were caring and endearing. Basically everything you hadn’t pegged Taeyong to be.

Since you were already on your feet, you made your way to the bedroom. You assumed that since you’ve seen everything else, he wouldn’t mind that as well with your wedding dress hanging in there anyway. In contrast to his living room though, his bedroom was free of most nick nacks. The bed was huge and unmade, but the many blankets and pillows looked very inviting. There were dumb bells on a yoga mat next to the window and aside from that, a huge closet that spread across the wall, with tids and bits of fabric peeking through the doors that seemed to barely close anymore.

You sat down on the bed, the mattress giving in under you. On the nightstand, there was a small lamp and a book. Upon closer inspection and picking it up, you recognized it was a book to learn English, and it had sat upon a pack of condoms that was already opened.

You rolled your eyes and wondered if, shortly before he had made his way to you, a woman was lying in here, hoping for a lazy morning but got thrown out. You put the book back on the package and flopped onto the bed. While staring at the ceiling, you listened to the rain still pattering against the window. Today had been a bad day to get married outside anyway.

As you laid there and slowly drifted off to sleep, you wondered when you had stopped imagining a life with Jaehyun.

____

Two hours before the wedding

“Jaehyun is a fool, what’s new.”

You started from your sleep, suppressing a gasp at the last minute. The bedroom’s door was only slightly ajar when you sat up, but you clearly heard people coming into the apartment and only counted yourself lucky to not be in their view right now.

One voice belonged to Taeyong. The other, clearly to his father.

“Don’t talk about your brother like this,” the elderly man chided. “Jaehyun is still keeping his hopes up, you should support him. Lately, she does these kinds of things, he told me. Like going clubbing with her friends and coming home only early in the morning. He had to talk her out of it as she’s a grown woman already. She even considered requesting a sabbatical at work and traveling the world. Jaehyun had to tell her to keep her stable job during such times. Also, she wanted to pick new furniture for their home, but he had to prohibit her that as they just recently moved in. In the end, Jaehyun knows her better. He’s positive she will still show up. Eventually, she always comes to her senses, that’s what he told me. She always does.”

This entire conversation made you so angry, your blood was boiling. You had never looked at it from this perspective. Eventually, you would come to your senses? Perhaps, that was the problem. You shouldn’t come to your senses in the first place. You had thought you would do Jaehyun a favor by listening to him, but when have you ever done yourself a favor?

“Why did he insist on you coming with me then?” They had already reached the living room as Taeyong asked this.

“He thinks she might be coming over here at some point if not to the venue first, so he remained there and wanted me to wait here.”

“Why would she come over to my place?” Taeyong’s voice oozed with suspicion. “And even if, I could bring her too, there was no need for you to follow me here.” Your heart pounded against your chest so hard, you feared they would hear it.

“Jaehyun said that it’s because when she gets cold feet, she will flee to the one person who won’t judge her, but not to her best friend as everyone would suspect her being there. I’m here to make sure to talk to her in a way that you won’t be able to.”

Taeyong snorted. “As you implied, we never had any kind of relationship, she would never seek shelter with me in the first place.” He was kind of a good liar, you had to admit.

“You might not have some sort of relationship,” his father explained calmly, “but you have some kind of mutual understanding going on between you two. You laugh at the same things, you brood over the same things, you argue over the same things. So Jaehyun was afraid you might hold her back and support her decision to cancel the wedding.”

“We barely even speak. Why would he feel that way?” Taeyong responded with much confusion, and you felt the same.

“This, he never told me directly, but I can see too.”

“I have no right to judge her decision and you don’t have one either. If she wants to cancel the wedding, then she has every right to do so.”

“See? That was why I was supposed to come here. In the end, Jaehyun knows better.”

Silence.

“Excuse me for a bit, I’ll go get changed into dry clothes, okay?”

You slid from the bed and hid by the corner in the opposite direction of where he would enter. Taeyong spotted you right away and closed the door behind him. He put his index finger to his lips, gesturing you to stay silent and pulled something out of the pocket of his jeans. It was your phone.

You knew what you had to do. You had to call Jaehyun and tell him that there wouldn’t be a ceremony at this point, that he shouldn’t hold his hopes up anymore. This much, you owed him and everyone that was supposed to join the wedding today. But it was just so hard.

Tears burnt behind your eyes. Always, Jaehyun took care of the complicated things in your life such as doing taxes or asking for a refund. When it came down to these kinds of situations, you weren’t the strong, independent women you wanted to turn into anymore. You needed somebody’s help.

Taeyong withdrew the phone upon encountering your exasperated expression and went over to his closet where he pulled out some clothes to change into. You didn’t know why you hadn’t noticed before, but in the closet, next to your wedding dress, hung his suit that he was supposed to wear as a best man. But he didn’t touch that.

Instead, Taeyong pulled his wide hoodie over his head along with the t-shirt that he wore underneath and revealed his muscular back to you upon changing. His muscles tensed and strained as he reached for a new shirt and dragged it over his torso. In only these few seconds, you had spotted a few tattoos you had never seen before. When had he gotten them and what were their meaning? You were curious and fascinated by a man who you had known for so long and still not at all.

When Taeyong turned around to you, he had typed an entire message into your phone and held it in front of you.

“I can’t marry you. I’m sorry.”

Short and painful. Just how you felt in reality. You nodded, and he sent the message.

____

One hour before the wedding

Taeyong’s father left after only five more minutes. Jaehyun had called him, and judging by the way Taeyong now spoke heatedly into his phone as well, you assumed that the news about the bride canceling the wedding over a text had already reached all attendees while your own phone was turned off with everyone now supposing you were at your best friend’s house who luckily covered for you.

You knew Jaehyun deserved better as well as everyone involved. But you just weren’t there yet. When it came down to conflicts, you were never the confronting type and always let others fight these battles for you. Just like Taeyong at this moment. And he did it willingly and with much passion, you just didn’t know why. The Taeyong who ignored you, made snarky remarks and only turned his attention to you when there was something to laugh about or mock you with wouldn’t do all that.

“Alright, alright. Yeah, I will call you should I receive news. Bye.” Drawing out a long breath, Taeyong flopped on the couch next to you. He was exhausted, his mouth dry from all the talking he had done in the past hour.

You almost didn’t dare ask. “And…?”

“It’s all canceled.” He sounded annoyed. “They already dismantled the setting outside and sent everyone home.”

You hadn’t meant that. “I meant…”

“How Jaehyun is?” Taeyong almost snapped, and you flinched at his sudden change in demeanor. “I haven’t spoken to him. But you know my brother as well as me. He tries to keep his composure and help wherever he can, no matter how hard it’s been on him. That’s how he is, my brother, the golden child. Even not letting his feelings slip when he’s hurt to the core.”

He was mad, and despite him trying to keep his composure, you couldn’t hold it against him. He had every right to be angry at what you had done to his family and partially dragged him into it.

“I know I owe him an apology and an explanation,” you admitted.

He briefly added, “More than that.”

“What am I supposed to say to him? I don’t know yet. All I knew the moment I left the venue was that I didn’t want to get married to him and that it was the most painful and most selfish thing I have done.”

“What about the entire truth?”

“The entire truth reaches deeper than not wanting to get married today.” You fell back into silence, shifting awkwardly in your seating position. But you didn’t need to speak further. Again, Taeyong seemed to sense what was exactly going on inside of you.

“Ah,” he then declared with feigned festivity. “There it is. The girl who was practically forced into a relationship with the first nice guy she met and slowly discovers that there is more to the world than marrying your high school boyfriend and living a modest life in the suburbs, getting married and having kids.”

“There is no reason to be so nasty about it,” you hissed.

“I bet you haven’t had sex in a year, am I right?” he continued mercilessly, and your stomach churned, making you suddenly feel so sick. “Or at least not in the way you want to. Always, you have only liked it reserved, in the conventional positions. I bet you haven’t tried it out from behind or with a grip around your neck. You don’t dare to speak it out to anyone, but that’s what you desire deep inside.”

How could you have possibly thought that coming here was a good idea? That for once, Taeyong was able to behave like a decent human being. He was as cruel and vile as ever.

His face then fell upon realizing the damage he had caused with his words. “Hey, I-”

But you were already out of the door, stomping down the stairs and back into the pouring rain. The wet droplets felt sharp in your face, like cold whips that also slung around your arms. You tried to protect your head from the rainfall with your hands that you spanned over your brows, but it had little to no effect.

You didn’t know for how long you had been walking when a black car halted next to you. By now, you were freezing, but you kept walking while he rolled down the window and matched the vehicle’s speed to your steps.

“Hey.”

Taeyong kept following you with the car, you walking on the pavement, him driving on the street next to you.

“Please stop.”

“No. You’re an asshole, Lee Taeyong.”

“I know,” he agreed. “But please get in the car. You’re catching a cold.”

You stilled, rain mercilessly coming down on you as though taking a second shower.

“Please…” he begged.

Muted, you turned over and opened the door. Just like mere hours before, you found yourself sitting in the passenger’s seat, soaked from head to toe, but this time not in your wedding gown anymore. After you had settled yourself, Taeyong didn’t restart the car though. You both kept staring at the window in front of you, barely seeing anything through the curtain of rain, but only listening to the sound of it.

After a while, Taeyong opened his mouth. “A year ago, my girlfriend left me.”

The confession took you by surprise. “I didn’t know you were in a relationship…”

“How would you? We barely know anything about each other’s life. I bet my brother also wouldn’t drop this news as he knew you wouldn’t be interested in hearing them.” His grip was still tight around the steering wheel, the knuckles of his fingers turning white, that was how tense he was. “But I was very much in love. I had even imagined myself marrying her. Can you imagine that? Me and marrying?”

Almost unnoticeably, you shook your head. “You were always… so free, independant, uncommitted. My total…”

“... opposite,” he ended your sentence. “Exactly. Yet, I met a girl that I loved so much, I imagined myself as a husband. But before I got the chance to propose, she broke it off with me.”

“... Why?”

“Because I wasn’t what she wanted. In the long run, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, I realized. She only did what was best for us, even though it was painful and selfish at that moment, and I hated her very much for it. You can almost say a year ago, I was Jaehyun.”

“I put you in a conflict of interest, I know.” You dropped your head. “You can tell me to go, and I will go right now. I imposed myself on you like that. You have every right to send me away. I won’t be mad.”

“Don’t even think about it. Love makes you do crazy things. Sometimes, you have to do things that seem wrong from the outside but you know are right. I went through it already, I know both sides, that’s why I truly understand your feelings and empathize with them.”

“I still don’t understand why you’re with me and not Jaehyun if you were in his shoes back then. Basically, I’m like your ex now.”

“Because I know Jaehyun will be okay eventually. He always has everything under control.” The corner of his lip curled up, adding sorrow to his mien. “But do you?”

You had no answer to that. You knew it was the right decision, but continuing with your life all by yourself from now on was something you hadn’t put too much thought into. For ten years, you had someone by your side. How would it be now?

Taeyong continued nearly seamlessly, “I should have faced you with more understanding as I was already in such a situation, I’m honestly sorry for going off like that before. It just… reopened old sores.”

Taeyong apologizing to you was something you had never expected to witness in this lifetime. “Thank you for telling me.”

“You thanking me again.” You looked at each other, and there was a smile displayed on his lips that was almost light-hearted this time. “That’s probably something that will never change about you.”

“Do you think I’m a goody two shoes?” You didn’t know what made you want to hear his opinion, but for the first time since you had known each other, you were having a decent, serious conversation. “Please be honest.”

“Are you kidding? Of course you are!” He laughed, and it was so high-pitched, it sounded like the windshields in the rain. You almost chuckled too. “That was why you matched so well with my brother as he is one too. You both have dreamed of the same things… marriage, a family, a house in the suburbs… children. But apparently, you’re not satisfied with all that anymore.”

You leaned back in your seat, slowly relaxing. “Was that also the case for you and your ex?”

“She wanted everything you wanted in the past. I’m not any of that. But with the past year, I figured that marriage has nothing to do with pursuing the same goals, you know.” He tried to provide you with another perspective on things. “If you love someone, you marry them. It takes nothing more. You only have to be sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, no matter what is about to come. The rest will fall into place, you have to have faith.”

“And she didn’t feel the same way about you. Just like I don’t feel the same way about Jaehyun.” The scales fell from your eyes. “It has nothing to do with wanting different things in life. I just don’t want a life with Jaehyun anymore.”

“See. Don’t worry about what our father said. It’s okay if you want to try yourself out, venturing into different things. Nobody should hold you back on that. If you meet a person who’s willing to go through all of that with you, then you have nothing to worry about.”

A few silent beats passed before you directed a question at him out of curiosity. “What is it that you want in your life, Taeyong?”

“If only I would know, hm?” When had you ever encountered him being so blunt, so raw and so earnest? “Perhaps, I want to change jobs. Perhaps, I want to join a band. Perhaps, I want to travel to Italy. Perhaps, I want to work at a pet shop, because I love animals so much. I just don’t know.”

This time, it was you who laughed and he joined with that high-pitched tone again. You couldn’t imagine Taeyong working in a pet shop, cleaning hamster cages and playing with dogs. On the other hand, when you imagined a grumpy Taeyong surrounded by playful kittens who were crawling all over him, you had a vivid picture in your mind that brought a heartfelt smile forward within you.

“What about you?” he directed the question back.

“Me?” You pondered over it for a while as you had never been asked this. “I don’t know. I seriously don’t know. I only know that I don’t want to continue living this life anymore. I feel like… I’m in a cage, and if I imagine that every day I have to live like this, it’s suffocating me.”

“It’s okay to not have your whole life mapped out anymore, to not know what you want, what the next day will bring. Nobody expects it from you. Just take one day at a time, baby steps.”

“Jaehyun does. And my parents as well as yours.”

“Then you have to start living your life for yourself, not for others.”

Taeyong then started the car, and for the first time you got the impression that the rain was slowly simmering out and it got brighter outside. Your heart didn’t feel as heavy anymore.

“At home, you’re gonna change clothes again. And then we’re going to order food.”

“Wait… please drop me off at my… home first.” Taeyong didn’t let it slip, but from the corner of your eyes, you witnessed his brow raise. “I learned many things from our conversation. Among all things, the most important lesson was to be honest, to yourself and to others. I need to meet Jaehyun.”

“I second that.”

“Perhaps, this one is going to be more painful than what I did this morning.”

Taeyong swerved the curve and dropped nearly absent-mindedly, “I think canceling the wedding was not only the most painful and selfish thing that you have done. I also think it was the most courageous and liberating thing that you have done. Just like this one will be. Think about it.”

You took it as the compliment it was.

_____

Time of the wedding

“You want me to come with you?”

You shook your head. “I already am indebted to you so much for letting me stay a few more days. I’m just gonna pick up a few clothes and wait. I already wrote to him.”

“Alright. I’ll wait in the car.” You had your fingers closed around the handle already. “And please quickly change clothes, you’ll catch a cold.”

“I will.”

It was odd coming back to your own home when you knew your entire life was about to change as opposed to this morning when you had left and still believed you would come back as a married woman. Now, you didn’t even know who you were and where your home was. But it was certainly not here, you sensed it clearly.

Everything felt foreign and off, and as you let your eyes wander over the cream colored furniture and the walls in the same boring colors, you knew exactly why this didn’t feel like your home anymore. It was and had always been Jaehyun’s home solely.

Jaehyun had picked the district, the apartment, the colors, the furniture. Everything was so clean and neat, almost sterile, there were no personal touches to the interior, the only picture being one of you two set on a small dresser with a few candles and books of yours that you had been allowed to display, everything else was designer, getting taken care of by a cleaning lady that came twice a week.

You wished back the chaotic cleanliness of Taeyong’s home, the noises of the aquarium, the different furniture, colors and patterns thrown together, and where every corner had his personal handwriting all over it. As well as the faint scent of lemongrass and ginger lingering in the air.

Suddenly, it felt like the monotonous cream colored walls were slowly drawing closer to you, leaving you little to no time until they would crush you entirely. Despite the minimalist style, you felt the invisible narrowness of the atmosphere, and if you didn’t hurry up, it would swallow you whole. But you had to remain here to cleanly put an end to your ten year long relationship.

You fled into the bedroom that was a bit more playful with light blue walls where you shook off Taeyong’s clothes and slipped into your own ones, a pair of leggings and a tight top over which you threw an oversized cardigan. In a mid-sized backpack, you stuffed in a few shirts, pants, underwear and your toiletries. You crammed Taeyong’s borrowed wet clothes into a plastic bag that you wanted to put into the backpack too, but dropped it immediately back on the bed when you heard the entry door open.

With your backpack over your shoulder, you slowly stepped back into the living room. Your heart was almost jumping out of your chest as you moved, but when Jaehyun rounded around the corner, his appearance set an end to the steady rhythm. The whole world went still, absorbing every motion, every sound except for the ones your voices were going to make.

Nobody prepared you for a breakup when you were the one to initiate it. There was no right way, there were only inappropriate ones, one of them including limiting the act to text messages only. If any of this hadn't happened, you would run into each other’s arms, hugging and probably even kissing. But now, you only stood in front of each other and stared at the other in silence.

Jaehyun was distressed and tired, but like always, he didn’t want to let it show. You knew him so well though, you looked right through his facade. “Where are you going?”

An eligible question that you didn’t want to answer in all honesty. “To my best friend’s house.”

“Okay.” He sucked in a rush of air. “You need anything else?”

You shook your head. “I got everything I need.”

This entire conversation was bizarre. Somehow, you had hoped for more, but somehow, you were thankful that there wasn’t more that he demanded from you. Perhaps, everything had already been said between you two. Perhaps, nothing had been said, but you both understood:

That you weren’t made and good for each other anymore. That you two deserved other people by your side and that you had only been together because it had been conventional and what your parents had expected from you. That it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run if you two had married despite all that.

“I’m sorry, Jaehyun.”

He smiled mildly, but probably only due to exhaustion. “Don’t be.”

As you had spoken those words out and listened to Jaehyun’s answer, you wondered if you actually were sorry. In fact, you didn’t feel anything at this moment.

“We both saw it coming, Jaehyun,” you tried to approach the situation. “We’ve been together since high school. We went to university and more school, and we didn’t have time to focus on dating anyone else. We stayed together because… we didn’t really see a reason why not. We were comfortable, we were happy enough. And things have been fine between us.”

He responded, “If you hadn’t canceled the wedding, if you had stood there today, saying ‘I do’, even with these sad eyes of yours, I would have accepted that with my entire heart. I would have gone on, pretending everything was okay as long as we could pretend to be happy as well. But I haven’t been for a long time already as well.” He paused, then confessed, “I’ve met someone else.”

“I see.” The words didn’t hurt you, and you didn’t hold it against him. Again, you felt nothing as he rested his gaze on your face, inspecting your reaction.

“I swear,” he defended himself, “that I never cheated on you. I dodged every conversation with her, I didn’t even look at her longer than I needed. I just… couldn’t do this to you. But just her presence…” He stopped speaking, but you felt what he felt.

Jaehyun was a reputable and respectful man. Of course he would have never cheated on you, you were always certain of that, even now. Whatever he had begun feeling for that woman, he was still keeping it locked inside of him, because he believed you two would work out. And partly also because he didn’t have the courage to end things once and for all.

The worst thing was that sometimes, you were thinking that if you had met someone who you felt passionate about like him, you would have wanted to leave him earlier. You weren’t nearly as reputable and respectful as Jaehyun.

“You were still in love with the seventeen year old girl from back then, but I’m not that girl anymore,” you slowly explained, almost too factual with no true emotions. “If you love someone, you marry them, and the rest will fall into place as long as you’re certain that you want to stay together for the rest of your lives. I couldn’t marry you today because I can’t imagine a life with you anymore.”

Jaehyun’s brow twitched and he opened his mouth as though he had so much to retort. But in the end, he gave it all up and said, “You can have this place. I’m just gonna stay at Taeyong’s in the meantime.”

You froze, but kept your composure. “I don’t want it. Your family bought it for us, so it should stay with you. And in all honesty… this place doesn’t feel like my home anymore anyway. Like I said, I’m gonna stay at my best friend’s until I find something for myself.”

Something seemed to bother him, but he didn’t let slip what exactly, and you were thankful he didn’t push the topic. “Okay, do as you wish.”

“I’ll let you know when I’ll come back to get all my belongings. Probably as soon as I’ve settled somewhere.”

Jaehyun nodded.

The straps of your backpack suddenly seemed to leave burn marks on your shoulders. You still felt the urge to continue with this conversation, and Jaehyun gave off the appearance of wanting to do the same, but you both seemingly withdrew as you didn’t know what you were supposed to add anymore.

Perhaps, you would someday have a long session where you poured out all your feelings. Perhaps, you would never talk to each other again. But this conversation ended here and now, at the exact time you were supposed to say “I do” to each other.

In the end, you only brought yourself to wish him well. “I… I hope it will work out for you.”

“I hope so for you as well.”

You raised a brow as his wording seemed off. You had never indicated that you were already meeting someone else. As always, he most likely only wanted to be polite.

As you walked down the hallway with heavy steps, away from the life possibly every woman could dream of, you still didn’t feel anything. No emotions, nothing. Was this the price you had to pay? Would you be numb to feeling anything ever again in your life?

____

Two hours after the wedding

“I’m gonna take a shower real quick as I didn’t have time this morning,” Taeyong announced. “When the delivery guy comes, can you open the door?”

“Sure thing.”

After Taeyong had disappeared in the bathroom, you remained on the couch, scrolling through your phone. It was blowing up, but you didn’t care as your best friend covered for you without asking a single question except for cocking a brow when you had admitted to her where you were currently residing.

“The brother you hate so much?” she had asked. “The one with the blonde hair, excessive taste in fashion, sexy piercings and godly tattoos?”

“Odd description. But yes, him.”

A long pause followed. Then, she giggled. “Keep me updated.”

You weren’t sure what to make of this sentence. “Thank you for everything.”

“Sure thing! Your parents almost beat a path to my door, but I think I can still hold them back from coming over. Will I get the full story soon?”

“Of course.”

“Okay. And just between us… I think it was the right decision.”

You had then hung up on each other.

Another call from your mother followed, but you swiped this away as well, then decided to turn off your phone entirely. You wouldn’t need it anyway today and hoped that, except for your nagging family, everyone else would understand that you quite weren’t in a position to talk right now.

You heard the water running before turning your attention back to the TV. Shortly later, the food arrived by the door, and you thanked the delivery guy, tipped him, and brought the bag into the kitchen.

“Can we eat in front of the TV?” you yelled, waiting for an answer.

“I’d rather not to!” Taeyong yelled back from the bathroom.

You whispered to yourself while setting the table, “Okay, Mister super clean.”

“I heard that.”

Taeyong stood in front of you the next moment, only a pair of joggers hanging loosely around his waist and a towel draped around his shoulders to catch the droplets of his wet hair. You barely noticed your eyes gazing up and down his naked upper body, and by the time you did, Taeyong had noticed it too.

Before you could read his expression though, you swiftly turned around, hiding your flushed cheeks and brushing it off. “Get dressed, then we can eat.”

Luckily, he also pretended he hadn’t noticed. “Okay.”

Dinner was eaten in silence after he came back dressed in a t-shirt, Taeyong purposely leaving you in peace after what had occured at your home. He supposedly assumed that you needed time to process your emotions. Except that there were still none.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about what happened back there,” Taeyong then stated after you had nearly finished. “I just want to know whether you’re okay. Are you?”

You chewed on your last bite and then swallowed it all down. “I am. Somehow, strangely, I truly am fine. But I just don’t know whether it’s the shock or whether the emotions haven’t really set in yet that I feel so… numb. I… don’t feel anything. That’s why I’m feeling fine.”

“You’re not feeling fine then,” Taeyong objected.

“I think it’s better than breaking down crying.”

“If you feel like that, you can do it here too.”

Something so excruciating and raw, you had only done in private. But somehow, you didn’t fear doing it in front of Taeyong either.

“I was in a good relationship with a good man, who wanted to marry and have kids and do all the things you’re supposed to do. People will think I am crazy for ending this all.” You stared at the pattern painted on the bowl in front of you, free from all the rice you had just picked out one by one. “I was always happy enough.”

Taeyong didn’t comment on that. He sat quietly at your opposite and listened.

“Sometimes, I hoped I could have something more than just fine. Someone who made me feel like I hung the moon. But I sort of stopped believing that existed. And I figured why not marry a man like Jaehyun? It had never been on my mind that there could be more. There was a hole in my heart I thought I could fix with doing all the things I missed out on. But it just wouldn’t shrink, no matter what I did. I knew that, if I married Jaehyun, the hole would swallow me whole. And then, Jaehyun told me he met someone else.”

Taeyong’s eyes widened just when you lifted your head and looked at him. He hadn’t known either.

“And now I am certain that there is someone who will place the moon in the sky for me. If Jaehyun can find someone like that, then I can too. I’m certain there is someone out there who can make me feel exactly like that, and it will be the love I’ve been looking for and last for a lifetime.”

“Someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, no matter how different you are, and the rest will fall into place if you have faith,” Taeyong referred to his statement from earlier that day.

You smiled. “Someone of whom I will know that I want to marry right away and not get cold feet.”

Taeyong cleared his throat and arose from his seat. “I’ll do the dishes. After that, I will prepare the bed for you to sleep in. And I accept no objections. For the time you’re here, you will sleep in my bed.”

You knew back talking had little to no effect. “Okay,” you then gave in, quietly thanking him for his generosity. “I can change the sheets myself later too, don’t worry about that.”

____

Four hours after the wedding

The rest of the evening, you spent sitting on the couch, on opposite ends, barely speaking to each other but just vibing. You felt very comfortable.

Taeyong fed his fishes and you asked whether they had names. They had. He had named every single one of them and was able to distinguish between them despite them looking all the same for you.

You asked about his figurine collection and his eyes suddenly started to sparkle. He went on about them and their backstory as well as the different legos and how long he had taken for each set.

You were astonished to find out that the pictures that hung on the walls had been painted by Taeyong himself. You hadn’t pegged him to be the artsy type, but again, he had surprised you.

There were still so many things about Taeyong you only discovered one by one.

For example, he was very caring as he brought you a blanket when he noticed how you shivered long after the sun had set. He was also very attentive as he unpacked your bag and put your clothes in a drawer that he had emptied for you. Taeyong was also very funny, knowing or unknowingly, and immensely passionate about the things he loved.

You thought that, if you ever got the chance to be someone else or change your life in the future, you would like to be more like him.

____

Five hours after the wedding

“I can change the sheets myself, don’t worry about that,” you told Taeyong when you felt tired enough to go to bed. Today had been hard on you too, and you couldn’t wait for a new morning to come, the sooner the better.

Stepping into Taeyong’s bedroom made you confront your wedding dress again that still hung exactly where he had put it. When you looked at it, you just felt so much anger - more emotions than on any other point of today. How come that when you put an end to your relationship, you didn’t feel anything, but a gown was able to summon so much hatred?

Quickly slipping out of your clothes, you put the dress back on. It reminded you of how little you had had to say about the wedding. How everyone had chosen the venue, the cake, the decorations, the dress and even the makeup and hairdo for your special day. The dress reminded you of how much of a human doormat you had been at this occasion and that ending your engagement also freed you from the cage you had been kept in.

You suddenly felt powerful, like you could take on the entire world. And it had only little to do with the dress you hated so much.

“Could you find the-”

Taeyong walked in on you standing in the middle of his bedroom in the still soaked wedding dress that he had picked you up in.

“I’ll give you a moment.”

“Wait!” You held him back. “This dress… embodies everything I hate about my former life. I have to break up with it too. I will take the hatred and forge it into something I envy you for, Taeyong.”

He raised his brows. “Which is?”

“Passion.” You smiled. “Will you help me?”

“I’ll get the scissors.”

You stopped him. “I want to do it with my bare hands.”

He snickered. “That’s fine for me too.”

The sound of fabric rustling and tearing filled the room, each one of you picking up one end of the dress’ skirt that consisted of meters and meters of tulle and just tore it all apart, tore on every edge that your fingers could grip on. And there were so, so many, your skin felt bruised when you took another and started ripping that one apart too until the skirt was nothing more than loose slips of fabrics that hung from your waist.

____

Six hours after the wedding

You both laid on Taeyong’s bed, side by side and exhausted from having treated such rich fabric with your bare hands. But he had been sitting with you through all of it, handling the process with just as much fervor and dedication.

“What do you feel?” Taeyong then asked you, staring at the ceiling that was now dipped into the semi-darkness of the night. The rain had stopped entirely, the bright light of the crescent moon that came through the dissolving clouds rendering the need for artificial light almost needless.

The torn gown rustled as you repositioned yourself, letting your naked legs slip through the curtain of strips that had once been the tulle skirt. “Like all steam is let out and there is nothing left anymore. And I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of never being able to feel anything again except for this hate that surfaces every now and then.”

“When you’re alone, that’s when the emotions set in and when it will get really hard.”

“What am I supposed to feel then, Taeyong? Can you tell me as you experienced this before?” You got up and he followed your motions, you both now facing the other from a seating position, your knees almost touching.

Somehow, this moment was very intense for you, and also very raw. You hadn’t shared such a heart-to-heart with anyone in a long time, and the person you did it with again was, out of all people, your ex fiancé’s brother who you apparently had more of an understanding with than the person you had been engaged to.

“Aside from hatred, perhaps sadness. Because despite you doing the right thing for yourself, you have let go of something that has once meant so much to you, so it’s okay to let yourself mourn for a while. But like I said, i-”

“I don’t feel sad,” you interrupted him, your voice on the brink of despair as you nearly cry-screamed “I just… don’t feel anything else except for hate! Why can’t I feel anything else?! I don’t want this, I don’t want to be full of hate, that’s not me! I need to feel something else! Make me feel something else! Taeyong, I-!”

The next thing you knew, you had a pair of lips pressed against yours and warm palms cupping your heated face. They were a very full and demanding pair of lips, a pair of lips that was not Jaehyun’s, but made your heart flutter in the same way your ex fiancé had once made, many years ago.

And that was it with your thoughts about Jaehyun for tonight, you swore to yourself as you wrapped your hands around Taeyong’s neck and settled yourself on his lap without breaking the kiss between you two. You weren’t able to remember when someone had last kissed you like this, when you had even thought of getting kissed like this, so passionately and deeply, it felt like you were getting devoured with all your soul.

And finally, after hours of numbness and hatred, you felt something. It was entirely different from what you had expected to feel. Not sadness. It was hunger. And it wanted to be fed.

Taeyong pulled away from you, and despite the semi darkness, you clearly saw in his eyes that he felt exactly what you felt, and that you perhaps were not the only person in this room who was still looking for something or someone greater.

“I’ll stop if you…”

His hands pressed into your sides, he didn’t ease his grip, but you knew he would do so in an instant when you told him to. But you didn’t.

“Please…” You looked into his hopeful eyes. “Don’t stop…”

He didn’t need to be told that twice. Taeyong licked over his lips in a way that got you really wet between your legs and pulled you down to him to lock your lips with his again.

You curled your fingers into the hem of his shirt and stripped it over his head in one swift motion. In the few moments that you were parted, you observed his tattoos in awe. You hadn’t really paid attention to them until now as you had never bothered with such details about him, but now you wanted to touch them all and know the backstory of each of them. But only later you would ask.

You sat up to give Taeyong access to his pants that he took off and then threw on the floor while you simultaneously got rid of your panties and dropped them next to his joggers. You also wanted to wiggle yourself out of your wedding dress with his help, but Taeyong stopped you with a look so sinister, it made you gulp and your mouth dry.

You didn’t need to ask what he wanted. He didn’t want you to take off the dress. If there was a best way to ruin a much hated wedding dress that you hadn’t even chosen yourself, then it was having sex in it with a person who wasn’t the groom.

And you were all on it for it as you straddled Taeyong, the ripped skirt of your dress draped all over the both of you. You rubbed yourself against him with your hands holding onto his shoulders while he placed tender kisses on the side of your neck, and you wondered how someone who was usually so mean to you could be so soft at the same time. Taeyong was still an enigma to you, but you wouldn’t mind taking it all apart tonight.

His full lips reached the raising of your breasts that were still hidden in the corset, but with several deft acts of his strong fingers, he had loosened the back so that he was now able to pull the neckline down. Throwing your head back, you let him lick over your nipples, wetting them with his tongue before he blew over them. It caused you to shudder, but before you were able to process what would happen next, he had already taken the sensitive spots into his mouth, sucking on them in turns and even occasionally biting into one, making you cry out loud.

“Such a pretty voice, why haven’t I heard it so determinedly more often?” Taeyong asked with his head buried in your cleavage.

You didn’t know the answer to that. But he probably also didn’t expect one as you realized the next moment that he had already eased two fingers into you. He was always taking you by surprise.

Your muscles in your thighs tensed, and you lifted yourself up a few inches as you thought you couldn’t take it anymore, that was how heavenly his fingers worked inside of you. You were dripping all over his hand, his palm stroking your clit and thus providing you with the double of stimulation that you had never experienced before.

“You wanna cum?” Taeyong whispered into your ear as you had your head rested on his shoulder, slightly biting into his flesh, and he endured it all.

You nodded, twisting and turning on his lap. “Y… yes, please.”

He made you cum with just the flick of a finger, and you screamed out loud, not only your entire body shaking, but also your whole world as your orgams ripped through you in an intensity you had never encountered before. And Taeyong gently held you in his arms all throughout it. Your chest heaved up and down like you had just run a marathon, and as you looked up, Taeyong swiped a few strands of your hair away from your face.

“You want to continue?” he asked you carefully.

You saw where he came from. He wouldn’t do anything without your consent. But there was nothing to ask for more permission here. You were here for all of it. Muted, you nodded again, too ashamed to speak out what was on your mind, what you really desired that wasn’t far from what Taeyong had thrown at your head only earlier that day.

You had been so mad at him, because it was true. You wanted him to take you from behind, to have his beautiful, strong hands wrapped around your slim neck and make you cum over and over again.

“Tell me,” he then challenged you as though he knew exactly what occupied your mind. “What is it that you want?”

You gulped. If you spoke it out, then he would do it, no doubt about it. Why was it that you were hesitating still then?

“Tell me,” Taeyong repeated, his index finger now lifting up your chin so that you could make eye contact. He saw what you felt, and he waited patiently.

“I… I want you to…” You paused. “... To do to me what you have teased about before.”

“Which is…?” He really enjoyed it too much.

“I want you to… take me from behind. To have your hand around my neck and… make me cum again.”

Because Jaehyun had never done so, because you felt like you betrayed your past love if you did it with Taeyong now, that was why you were still holding back. But then again, you suddenly felt so desired, so free and so alive like never before. You felt heard, seen and appreciated in all aspects a woman could wish for it. Was it so wrong then?

“You’re sure?” Taeyong wanted to know.

“I am.”

He then turned aside to take something from his nightstand that you recognized as the pack of condoms you had seen before. He tore the wrapping off with his teeth and urged you to change your position so that he was able to roll it over his length.

You sucked in a rush of air as you then sank back onto his lap, taking him all in until he was all settled in your warmness. Only a few heartbeats passed before you started to ride him right away, you just couldn’t wait anymore.

You slammed down on him, at first a bit messy as you couldn’t quite grasp the motions and only forcefully met with him in an attempt to act on your lust all at once, that was how overwhelming it was. But when Taeyong started to move with you, he determined the pace and movements, and rather than making you feel like you did something wrong, he quietly conveyed to you what would work better.

And by heavens, how better it worked. You rocked your hips with each other, and whenever you came down to him, you moaned silently as he hit spots within you you didn’t even know existed at all. You were holding onto Taeyong like a lifeline, moving with him and gyrating with him, and eventually you felt so close to cuming again.

First, you wanted to protest as you wanted to prolong this act and experience it from different positions, but there was nothing to protest against. You would let yourself cum, and if you wished for, this wouldn’t need to be the last time again either.

“I’m going to-“ you whined against Taeyong’s shoulder, and his grip around you only tightened as you dug your nails into his back.

“Then cum. Cum as often as you want.”

And you did. You cried into the nape of his neck with your fingers buried deep into his arm muscles, and ended the wave of pleasure with a shudder that only Taeyong could set an end to.

But the worst part was that you still weren’t satisfied. You raised your head and faced him, begging him with your eyes. Taeyong didn’t need to be told twice. But before, you shared a kiss that you both initiated at the same time, deep and intimate, and that made you feel a connection you had missed out on all these years and set aflame only now.

You stared at each other with an expression that was a mix of surprise and also relief. Surprise because you hadn’t expected to feel something like that with this other person out of all people, and relief because you had finally found it after all.

Again, you kissed, to make sure, to validate what you had felt shortly before. This time, it was more passionate and romantic, and it made your heart flutter again, a feeling you had been missing out on for a long time despite believing you had found your soulmate already.

Taeyong then flipped the both of you around and placed you with your back onto the bed. Tugging on your dress and pushing the torn skirt apart, he let his fingertips run up your naked thighs, and you let out a low sigh, collecting new energy to prepare for what was about to come.

Bowing down to you, you then kissed again, and again. And truth to be told, you also wouldn’t have minded lying here all night, just kissing him. In the meantime, Taeyong had subtly slipped in between your legs, and you only noticed when he started to move again.

You were able to pay more attention to his face now. Taeyong didn’t look much like his older brother, but was definitely as equally attractive. His features were sharper though, making him come off as rude upon first glance with his additional piercings that adorned each ear if he didn’t smile, and he rarely did that, but they were also unique and attracted attention for how handsome it made him.

Jaehyun was the kind of man you looked at because he was so kind and conventionally handsome, you wanted to get to know him. Taeyong was the kind of man who should scare you off, but you also couldn’t tear your gaze from because of how extravagantly attractive he was. Especially now as he bit into his bottom lip, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He looked so angry and rude, it turned you on even more.

You had never looked closer at Taeyong because of that. But as his hands wrapped around your neck while he thrusted into you, you caught yourself thinking that you wished you would have spared the younger brother another, longer look ten years ago.

“Give me a sign if you need me to stop.”

Your eyes rolled to the ceiling as you started to run short on breath. You hadn’t expected yourself to like this kind of thing, but here you were, having Taeyong’s slender fingers around your neck, slightly choking you, and you found much pleasure in it. What else was there that you enjoyed but weren’t aware of yet? And was one night too short to discover it all?

You inhaled deeply and audibly when he then let go of you, and almost apologetically, he pecked your lips. He didn’t want to go further so as to not hurt you accidentally, you understood. You still had to figure out your boundaries, what you were able to take.

You let out a surprised “Oh!” the next moment when Taeyong slipped out of you and rolled you onto your stomach. A fresh breeze brushed over your naked bum when he flipped over your tulle skirt and it went flying all over your head so that you needed to dig a hole through the fabric to free your face.

Taeyong giggled, but when you wanted to chide him, he slapped your asscheek. It was loud and painful, and it brought you so much pleasure, you wanted him to do that again. And he did. His hand came down on your cheeks in alternation four times, each with a cry from your side louder than the one prior, before he sat you up on all fours and grabbed you by your hips.

You didn’t know what came first, his length sheathed back inside of you or your gasp of surprise as you realized what was about to happen. As you had never had sex in this position before, you had expected to feel disconnected and this act to turn rather animalistic, but Taeyong didn’t make you feel like that at all.

In a steady rhythm, you got pushed forward, his dick drawing out until you painfully thought you would lose him all, just to slam back into you the next moment so forcefully, it nearly knocked the air out of your lungs. And so it continued until you couldn’t hold yourself up on your hands anymore, but sank down on your elbows, offering Taeyong an angle that made it even more intense for you.

You were begging, crying and moaning all simultaneously, not knowing where up and down was anymore. In all those years, you had been satisfied with only what you had considered traditional sex. That there was something more that would take you to heaven and back, you had never imagined yourself to experience.

Now, that hunger from before was only growing, even when you came for the third time that day within the span of only half an hour, so hard and so earth shattering, you thought you would cry because of how you finally felt something else aside from hatred and hunger again: happiness.

You then laid on your stomach, collecting your breathing and your thoughts when Taeyong finished himself off inside you with a little help of rhythmic motions from your hips, and his low growl, with which he announced his peak, turned you horny once more.

And so you did it again. This time from the side. You then went down on him, followed by you doing it from a standing position. Afterwards, he pleasured you with his mouth too, and you finished him off riding it all out. You came again and again, until daybreak announced itself and you slept in, with your head resting on Taeyong’s chest and his arms wrapped around you.

Somewhere along the way, as the night processed, you had gotten rid of the wedding dress entirely. It hadn’t been all about hatred and vengeance anymore, but something way more than that that somehow blossomed between you two.

The next morning, the sun shone bright. There was no sign of rain anymore.

____

Eighteen hours after the wedding

Taeyong stood in the kitchen, frying eggs and wishing you a good morning when you walked in. But when he placed the plate with the scrambled eggs and toast in front of you, you weren’t feeling hungry anymore.

“I’m going to stay with my best friend,” you declared to him. “I gave it a thought, and I think it’s bet-”

“It’s okay,” he chimed in. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I saw it coming, I understand.”

Even though you didn’t regret last night, you knew that you couldn’t do it again yet and that it would certainly happen if you stayed. So you fled. The only thing you were good at.

“I’m a failure,” you admitted. “I’ve failed my relationship, my marriage… why would I even want to try again?”

“If you stay with someone for a certain amount of time and you were happy, but then decide that you don’t want to stay together anymore, why would that make you a failure? If you decide to move on and find happiness with someone or something else, why would anyone want to take this from you?”

“And if it won’t work out with the next person too?” you voiced your fears.

“Then this doesn’t mean you’re a failure either. That’s how life is. You don’t have to stay with one person for the rest of your life if you don’t feel like it. But if you do, if your feelings align and remain steady, what more can you ask of the world?”

A single tear escaped from the corner of your eye and you wiped it away quickly. “But your family hates me now.”

Taeyong shrugged. “Who cares. They’ll eventually come around.”

“I thought you hated me too.”

“I never hated you.” He smiled mildly. “If anything, I hated your attitude, always so honest, fair and good. Secretly, I always wanted to be more like you and Jaehyun. I’ve never been this kind of person, and it’s been clear from the beginning that I wouldn’t fit into this role. You were everything I couldn’t be, everything I couldn’t have.”

“And now?” You looked at him with an uncertain expression, your brows furrowed. “Now that I’m not any of that anymore, do you still want someone like me?”

Taeyong reached out his hand and touched your cheek. “Now, I admire you even more. It takes much courage to tear down your entire life and start anew.”

“... Really?”

He nodded and you nudged against his palm, sharing his warmth. “I’m not going to be your rebound though. I think what we can build together can be something amazing, but you’re not ready.”

Only yesterday, you had run away from your own wedding and broken up with the man you had been with for the past ten years. You were far from ready. Last night had not only been eye-opening, but also shattering. Your whole world wouldn’t be like before, and you could only rebuild it bit by bit.

“Look for your own apartment, design it the way you want,” Taeyong suggested and withdrew his hand. “Then go out and meet people, date around and see what the world has to offer to you. You have ten years of catching up to do, don’t let a single minute pass.”

You gulped, withholding your tears in the same breath. “Okay.”

“And if you decide to explore what could be between us, if you decide you have seen everything and dated around enough, that, after all, I’m still the only one you want to be with eventually…” He smirked cockily. “... then I’ll be here.”

A life with Taeyong didn’t sound so daunting anymore. But with him came also his family, the family that had been with you before as well.

Quietly, you averted your eyes to the breakfast in front of you. “Last night was also one the bravest and most liberating things I’ve ever done. But-” You stopped.

Taeyong then took the words out of your mouth, “You cleanly ended your relationship before you slept with me. You don’t owe him anything anymore. The rest is between us brothers. Now eat up, then I’ll drive you to your friend.”

The breakfast had long gone cold before you were able to take a bite.

____

One month after the wedding

You hadn’t been able to light a candle in the apartment, because Jaehyun didn’t like the smell of candles. Funny, how you thought of it now.

The movers carried the last box out of your former shared home with Jaehyun, and now you were facing him again for the first time since the day of your wedding. You had specifically told him a time of which you had thought you would be gone already, but now you had accidentally run into each other again still.

“Hi,” he greeted you.

“Hi,” you said back.

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit early.”

“It’s okay, we’re done now anyway.”

He hung up his jacket and scanned the living room. Everything was still in place as you had only taken your clothes, books, a few kitchen utensils, a chair and nick nacks with you - like the candles. You couldn’t wait. Everything else, you had left for him to keep and would buy new for yourself.

“You don’t want anything else?” Jaehyun questioned with raised brows. “Just take whatever you want.”

“No, it’s okay, I’ll be fine.” In your hand, you were carrying another small box yourself, in fact, the one with the candles. You had always secretly lit them when Jaehyun had gone out as you didn’t care, and of course he always smelled it when he came back, picking up a quarrel with you. You couldn’t wait to light them whenever, wherever and for how long you wanted now.

“Okay.” He paused. “How is your new flat?”

“It’s very small compared to this place, and also old, but it’s cozy and I love it.”

He smiled. “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”

“What about the girl you met?” you chatted. That wasn’t the ideal topic for a conversation starter, but you didn’t come up with another one at such short notice. Besides, you were really interested in it. “Did you move forward and could finally talk to her? I would be delighted!”

Jaehyun was initially reluctant about his response. But as he finally came clear with you, the truth was so shocking, it nearly pulled the rug from under you. “There was no one I was talking to. I made it all up.”

“... what?” you breathed. You were totally confused.

“If I hadn’t told you about meeting someone else, wouldn’t that have made it harder for you?”

You couldn’t give him an honest answer. It certainly wouldn’t have made it easier, that was clear. “Did you… did you not want to break up?”

His slight smile now turned sorrowful and insincere, your heart ached badly. “I would have tried over and over again. Anything that would make you happy as your love life should bring you happiness. But if ours hasn’t brought you this happiness anymore, if you tried hard too and didn’t feel it anymore, then what more can I ask of you?”

“Jaehyun…” Your vision got blurry from the tears that now gathered above the rim of your eyes. “You should have told me.”

“And what then? Lock you up in this relationship you hadn’t been so happy in for so long anymore? The best was just to let you go, even if it meant driving you into the arms of my brother.”

Your breath caught. “I-... It’s… it’s not-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, I’ve known long before Taeyong confessed to me that you stayed with him that day… and night. I’ve seen his car parked in front of the house before I even got upstairs to look for you. And…” It was hard for him to talk about it all, that was pretty clear.

You didn’t dare to ask, but you were certain that by that moment, Jaehyun had still been full of hope that everything would work out fine. Until the moment he had spotted Taeyong’s car and figured it out all by himself.

He continued with a cracky voice, “You smelled just like him that day. I met that familiar scent the moment I walked in. Lemongrass and ginger. He never changed his shower gel ever since school.”

You had showered at Taeyong’s place that morning and used this exact shower gel. If you were able to smell it on Taeyong, then why wouldn’t anyone else be able to smell it on you too? You had been so naive.

And then, you nearly let out an audible gasp as it suddenly crossed your mind that you had also never taken Taeyong’s wet clothes with you when you had left this apartment that day, so Jaehyun had seen them too. But he didn’t mention them which made it even more painful for you.

If he also knew that you had slept with each other that night, you didn’t dare to ask. Perhaps, you also didn’t need to at all. You saw it all in his eyes, that he knew how you felt, truth or no truth.

“The funny thing is that always, I have thought that you two had a mutual understanding I couldn’t quite grasp despite never talking to each other.”

“We’re… we’re not in any kind of relationship,” you tried to save the situation. “I haven’t had contact with him since that day. I was only seeking shelter with the one person of whom I was certain wouldn’t blow me off, because...”

“... because he understood you,” Jaehyun ended your sentence. “See?”

“Jaehyun…” The tears now streamed down your face. Taeyong was right. After numbness and hatred came sadness. Your heart was filled with sorrow. “I’m so sorry for everything that happened. That I haven’t always been honest, fair and good. That I failed our relationship, and that I failed you.”

“Don’t be.” Under normal circumstances, you would have wanted to be held by him and he would have provided you with that. But now you only stood awkwardly in front of each other. “You tried, right? All that matters is that you tried. If you can assure me that, then I have nothing to regret, because, on my end, I tried hard, every single day.”

“I did,” you blurted directly. “I woke up every single day, trying and full of hope. Until I just couldn’t anymore.”

“Okay.” Jaehyun nodded. “Then I can live with it.”

“Please be mad at me all you want, hate me all you want,” you begged him. “Just don’t project this all on Taeyong, please.”

His shoulders shook, you just couldn’t tell whether it was because he started crying too or because he started laughing over the absurdity of your request. “Even now, you think of him. Shouldn’t that tell you something?”

It certainly did.

But as Taeyong himself had said, you weren’t ready yet. At least not for him.

____

One year after the wedding

Your wedding dress was in the color of ivory, classically cut with straps and falling over your hips in an a-line, ending right above your knees - just like the wedding dress you had always dreamed of wearing on your special day, and this one you had selected entirely yourself. In your hands, the bouquet of flowers smelled lovely, the arrangement consisting of peonies and baby’s breath. No other bride in the registry office had brought flowers, but you had insisted on it.

“I do.”

You locked eyes with your groom who had just spoken out these words.

You hadn’t invited anyone in your family to attend the quick, official ceremony. In fact, you hadn’t even told them that you were getting married today in case anyone wanted to meddle again and make the entire wedding about them. This was only for you two, about you two, and this was how you wanted it. You didn’t need to make a show out of your love anymore. If only you two knew about it, then it was enough for you.

It was odd, and you chuckled to yourself as this silly thought crossed your mind just now as the registrar read from his book. It was odd how Taeyong didn’t like the smell of candles either. With time, you had figured that he wasn’t so different from his brother like he had always claimed.

But there was one thing that made the difference for you: If Taeyong didn’t like the smell of candles, you wouldn’t light them, not even when he was away. You wouldn’t light them at all, because keeping him happy was more important to you than the goddamn candles. You weren’t handcuffed to him, you only wanted to be with him rather than lighting the candles.

You could live without the candles, but you couldn’t live without Taeyong. If he was gone, the candles would only be a silver lining.

In the following months after you had run away from your wedding, you had seen another country, went partying in the coolest clubs and were able to furnish the new apartment according to your own taste. You had also dated around, meeting different men and trying to bond with them while parallelly rebuilding your life. It hadn’t been easy, but it also hadn’t been overly hard. It had been challenging to say the least. You hadn’t kept in touch with Jaehyun or Taeyong for all these months, following the latter’s suggestion and just living your life like never before.

But after half a year, you had started to realize that this wasn’t the kind of life for you. You had tried, and you had failed. And if you decided to move on with something or someone else, what more could the world ask of you?

Taeyong had picked up his phone on an early spring day, his voice filled with happiness. “I’ve been waiting for you,” were the first words he had directed at you, and it almost made your heart burst.

Gradually getting to know each other turned out to be more of a task than a walk in the park as not everything could be reduced to great sex. You were still very different people as there were certain aspects of your character you couldn’t shake off and Taeyong refused to change about himself too. But you came to terms with everything that made your daily life hard. And in the end, you still wanted to be with each other.

All that mattered in this life was that you tried. All that mattered was that you opened your heart, gave everything you had, and tried. And when Taeyong had suggested marriage a few months into your relationship, you didn’t hesitate. You had jumped into his arms, saying “yes” more times than you were able to count.

“If you love a person, you just marry them.”

Was it really as simple as that? Certainly.

You had been certain at the moment he proposed, and you were even certain now, when you stood in front of your groom with many other couples waiting outside, who were as certain as you to take this step.

Of course you had often asked yourself what if you would fail this relationship, this entire marriage, too. But as you looked into Taeyong’s clear and sincere eyes while he smiled at you so lovingly, awaiting your answer as the registrar had finished, you weren’t worried about anything in the entire world anymore.

“I do,” you assured him of and sealed your wedding vows with a chaste kiss.

You only wanted to spend the rest of your life with him.

You didn’t ask more of the world.

#taeyong #lee taeyong #taeyong imagines #taeyong scenarios #taeyong smut #taeyong x reader #taeyong x you #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct smut #nct x reader #nct x you #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop smut #kpop x you #kpop x reader

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dduane · 9 months

Note

I am curious since I've seen stuff of yours mentioning the worldbuilding work being important (and because your Young Wizard series was hugely influential in the way I build worlds): Where do you put all the worldbuilding work? A notebook? A Google Doc? A file somewhere on a computer? Scattered sticky notes? Messages to friends? Do you try to keep it all organized?

I have no choice but to keep it organized, because if I don't, I'm screwed. :) ...And this isn't just a side effect of being 70+, but of having numerous projects going at once, all in wildly varying stages of development... and ideas for any of them are likely to pop up at any time.

Over time I've learned to keep separate projects' notes well separated from one another, to prevent confusion. Additionally, some kinds of notes are better for some projects than others. If the worldbuilding is mostly to do with character business and stuff going on inside people's brains, something that supports long-format typed notes will be best. For something that needs artwork, drawings, diagrams or calculations, something more graphics-oriented may work better. I usually find out what works best as as I go along, and stage newer notes accordingly.

In the past I've often used (physical) notebooks, but I don't any more, as it takes more effort than I care to expend to move things off the paper and onto the screen / into the file. (For those wondering: I normally compose directly into the computer, either by typing or [Dragon Anywhere-mediated] dictation. If a piece of work is giving me more trouble than usual, I'll sometimes break down and compose on paper, with a fountain pen: thanks for the hint, @neil-gaiman. Sometimes slowing things down does make a difference) :) ...Then I read the pen-generated material into the machine.

Probably the modality I use most often now for worldbuild material is Scrivener, for reasons I discussed a little over here the other day. It lets you store notes alongside your prose material, or in a research "folder" down at the bottom of your project: and it keeps it all together.

But I'm not always sitting down in front of the machine. Sometimes ideas pop out when you're on the road: or you're working on one project and something pertinent to another one comes up. So at such times I use:

Evernote. It syncs seamlessly among all the devices I use, and you can get at it from wherever you are in a browser or from a smartphone or tablet.

A voice recording app. I've got one in the iPad and one on my phone. If I'm somewhere without broadband and can't use Dragon, the saved audio can be fed into it later. Dragon'll then transcribe what I said and email it to me for inclusion in whatever note-keeping software I'm using. Right now on the iPad I'm using an app called Voice Recorder, and on the (Android) phone one that (mysteriously) also called Voice Recorder.

These are desperately handy for when an idea comes to you in the middle of the night and your handwriting's not to be trusted or you don't want to turn on the light for fear of waking up whoever else is in the bed. Fumble around for the recorder, turn it on, mumble your note in and go back to sleep. Just make sure you've actually turned it on. And off. :)

Sticky notes. I do use them, but I don't let them sit around: it's too easy for a passing breeze to blow them off the table / desk / whatever and under the fridge, where you'll never see them again. These normally get transcribed into electronic storage immediately, or stuck onto my desk in a spot where they have to be dealt with immediately; or (in the case of really important notes) stapled to several others that in same cases have been there for years. ...Notes not immediately transcribed get stuck into a notebook which I clean out carefully once a month, along with the other note-taking apps.

Another kind of sticky notes, of which I'm really fond, is this app for the iPad, called Tatter. It allows you to open multiple "notebooks" that can house what seem to be an unlimited number of stickies. Supports images, as well.

A wiki on a stick. If there's a lot of data coming down the pipeline at once, it's handy to have something to stick it into in which short articles can be linked easily to one another. You can export / cut-and-paste these into your main work file as necessary. Then at the project's end, you just zip the wiki's contents up and put it away somewhere, on disk or in the cloud, as you prefer. (Because who knows what its contents might come in handy for, some years from now...?) TiddlyWiki is good tor this kind of thing.

Anyway: the secret of successfully managing an array of note-taking methods like this is to set aside a day once a month to go through them all, making sure that notes that are worth something will be tucked safely into the project file associated with them. If you're not using a program like Scrivener that provides its own storage, this space can as easily be a folder on your desktop, or even a series of printouts. But the most important thing: back them up somewhere safe. Worldbuilding notes are some of the most painful to lose. ...I keep a set of mine in Dropbox, and an additional set in my laptop, and once a month I email a zipfile of the most crucial ones to myself.

If this sounds like a lot of work: that's as may be... but it's worth it. I mean, we're talking worlds here. Until they're safely out where people can see them on paper or on the screen, you are their only guardian.

At any rate: HTH!

#worldbuilding #note keeping #note keeping strategies

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eisforeidolon · 5 months

Text

Forgive me for restating the obvious, but I was reading through an old post and it just kind of hit me in a way it hadn't before: One of hellers' most fundamental disconnects with the show (and media literacy in general) is how they try to insist parallels establish romance.

SPN used parallels to couples and romantic tropes a lot in regards to the brothers. But it was never meant as a signal that they were romantically in love or to tell you something you otherwise couldn't figure out. It was to underline what we already knew from the entire rest of the story about how they were the most important people in each other's lives. It used romantic relationships because that's a central status typically reserved only for romantic relationships - that was part of the point.

Let's take an example or two. Dean compares himself and Sam to Jesse and Cesar from The Chitters. After interacting with them for a while, Dean is like, 'Haha, you fight just like brothers, almost as bad as Sam and me' and they say that it's more like an old married couple. This is Dean comparing an exact thing that actually happens between him and Sam, silly petty bickering, to something that exactly happens between a married couple. Likewise, let's take Dean's expression and the script note he's thinking about Sam's close call in Red Meat. Michelle is talking about watching the man she loves die and how nothing can be the same, and Dean is thinking about how he believed he lost Sam earlier that same episode and reacting to what she's saying. No one is under the impression that these are signposts telling you for the very first time that Sam and Dean are weirdly, claustrophobically close in a way that compares to romantic couples. They're quick moments which draw an underline on what you already know from the way they've acted towards each other for the entire preceding (and following) length of the show. If you cut either of those moments? It would change nothing about what we understand of Sam and Dean's relationship, because that's how using parallels in storytelling actually works.

Hellers want to insist that romantic couples and tropes being parallels to D/C in and of itself proves that D/C is romantic. Why else would SPN use couples and romantic tropes?!? Well, because SPN does that all the fucking time, maybe? Which is even before you get into how superficial the basis for their supposed parallels typically are.

Let's take an example or two. Hellers want to insist that Dean and Castiel were paralleled to David and Violet from Bloodlines because and I shit you not, one of them wore a tan coat. As well as the absurdly generic dialogue line, "I was there, where were you?" being used both in the backdoor pilot and in 6x20 by Dean. Aha! David and Violet are clearly stand-ins for Dean and Cas, and they were planning to run away together, so D/C is clearly romantic, BOOM! Except literally nothing about Dean and Castiel's actual relationship lines up with that. In no sense were Dean and Castiel ever planning to run away from their families together - not at the point where Dean was calling Castiel out for pretending he didn't know where Dean was if he really wanted advice or otherwise. Unlike the actual parallels with Sam and Dean, there is no underlying narrative base. Likewise, hellers want to insist that Castiel is Dean's Colette. Aha! Cain said Dean is living his life in reverse, and he killed Collette last and his brother first, so since he said Dean would kill Castiel before Sam, Castiel=Colette, and Colette was a romantic partner, so Dean lurves the angel! BOOM! Just for the sake of being pedantic, let's break this nonsense down one more time. Cain lists Crowley as well as Castiel as people Dean will kill before Sam. Collette was special to Cain because she saw everything he was, never gave up on him, and was able to get him to drop the blade. Which is literally what Sam does during the time Dean has the Mark - meanwhile Castiel tries to get Dean to not go and slaughter the Stynes and fails and is ready to give up and kill Dean after he goes demonic. Which doesn't even get into the part where ... Cain is literally just wrong in telling his little fairy tale. Dean is not him. When given the choice of killing his brother, Cain does it. When given the choice of losing control, Cain does it. Dean tries to get Death to shoot him into outer space and then kills Death rather than actually kill Sam. Dean and Dean's love for his brother are both far stronger than Cain is capable of understanding. So the parallel life thing? Is fundamentally hooey anyway. Again, there's no narrative there for a parallel to be drawing an underline on because none of their cobbled together meta resembles anything going on in the actual text. That's not how storytelling uses parallels or any other kind of subtext, by creating something entirely separate and expecting the general audience to decipher it. Though it's no surprise they try to insist that a show would do that, because they have nothing else.

TLDR; Their entire argument is that a comparison to a romantic couple makes two other characters' relationship automagically romantic because reasons. Which even putting aside the lack of validity in their parallels ... continues to be a boldly idiotic statement given the number of actually textual comparisons the show makes between Sam & Dean and romantic couples. Again, it's no wonder they freaked the fuck out over that forehead touch, because they very fundamentally refused to understand what SPN was actually doing on literally any level.

#destihellers #destiew #long post

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gilverrwrites · 2 months

Note

i’ve sent this request to river-rat69, but wanted to see how you would potentially interpret it >_>

exploring interests with jack and finding a common one? like art? perhaps?

just a cute idea idk

Finding common interests with Jack

Author note: That is super cute! I'm note sure if this is what you had in mind, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

I will also note, I know a common opinion is that Jack is like a child in an adult body, but I always read him more as like an adult with minimal world or social skills.

Can be read as romantic or platonic.

Rating: General

Genre: Pure fluff

Please be kind to your mind ❤︎

I feel like if Jack wants to make a connection with someone, he will try anything at least once.

He's a 20-year-old who has never had to make friends before. Cas and the Winchesters are family, thats different. Friends he has to make an effort for. (At least in his head.)

If he thinks you really enjoy something that he doesn't, he won’t want to hurt your feelings. He wants you to like him.

So even if he doesn’t enjoy something that much, he’ll try to pretend.

It’s up to you to figure that out and stop him from torturing himself.

He’s too nice, loyal to a fault.

Although, the many sceptical questions and the suspicious looks are a dead giveaway.

“Is it supposed to smell this strong?” Yep “And I can’t eat it?” No, Jack, it’s soap! “And we’re wearing gloves because? It’s dangerous, yep, got it.” “Is this what a headache feels like? NO! It’s fun! If you like it, I like it.” “It takes HOW LONG to cure?”

Probably stay away from things like candle and soap making.

He likes stability, so I think having a set day each week, or a couple of hours each night to do stuff together, would be ideal for him.

He’d love bonding over shared interests in films and TV.

He doesn’t have to eat, but I think he would enjoy trying new foods.

So: having a weekly film night would be awesome. Where you can both veg out on the couch together, eat whatever new or different foods you find at the supermarket, and watch horror (primarily zombie) and/or sci-fi films together.

Or spend the weekend binge-watching The Walking Dead or The Cornetto Trilogy (+ Paul, non negotiable).

Video games too: Left 4 Dead, Fallout etc

Then fall asleep where you're lounging, talking about your faves and your fan theories.

I don’t know that he would be into making art, per se, but I think he would like crafts.

I feel like Jack would really like those diamond painting thingies. Or just like, bedazzling things in general.

Like, I can see him contracting some weird cosmic-being version of the flu, being quarantined with an Angel!Reader and it being like that one episode of Malcolm in the Middle.

Also legos. Just things that take a lot of attention to detail, something that can take his mind off of the constant pressure he is under, that you can really focus on, but that has a cool pay off at the end.

Animation as well, both watching (more 2D stuff like Batman, Invincible, Nimona)

And doing– probably more like stop motion, with again, legos, or claymodels.

(I’m totally not projecting because I am an animation nerd)

He would, however, enjoy art galleries and museums.

Being able to admire and learn about things created by humans throughout history would be so astounding.

Would like to have you with him so you can observe, learn, and discuss together.

If you’re interested but unable to go with him, he’ll memorise everything so he can relay it all to you later, or pick up a bunch of leaflets for you to read. Or he’ll make a note of all his favourite parts so he can take you there another time.

He would have a similar sentiment if you are an artistic person.

He doesn’t want to draw or paint stuff with you, but he would like watching you and your creative process (if you don’t mind being watched)

Like absolutely fascinated by your ability to create something from nothing. Something that evokes emotion or tells a story – wow!!

Your number one supporter. Gift him your art, and he’ll put it on his bedroom wall.

Those galleries I mentioned earlier, he’s buying you both tickets to go see your inspirations shows or displays.

Wants to look through all your old works, he doesn’t care if that horse you drew when you were 12 is the wrong shape and has wonky eyes, he thinks its so cool that you tried, and practiced, and learned. That’s human ingenuity.

You’re so cool.

#jack kline #jack kline x reader #supernatural #headcanons #supernatural headcanons #jack kline headcanons #gilverrwrites

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profoundbondfanfic · 6 months

Note

hi!! i was wondering if any of y’all had any destiel fics along the lines of “cas thinks he isn't wanted anymore, but dean shows him he is” or “cas is leaving again, but he thinks it’s for the best, but dean shows him that he’s wanted” those kinda fics? if you ever have time to respond to this question i would very much appreciate it! thank you!

Hello! Yes, here are a few:

Build a Home by domesticadventures [Teen and Up, 20k words]

After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them. He doesn’t.

But Water's Wider by li_izumi [Mature, 29k words]

Without his wings to guide his descent after he was banished by the intruder in the Bunker, Castiel crashes into the ground, leaving his body nearly as broken and bruised as his heart. Only his promise to Dean to protect Sam compels Castiel to stand up again. After days of dragging himself back to the Bunker, Castiel discovers that Sam is all right and Dean is alive! What should be a joyous reunion is marred by Castiel’s self-doubts. If the Winchesters don’t need him, and Heaven doesn’t want him, where does Castiel belong? [Canon divergent from the end of 11x23 Alpha and Omega]

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits [Explicit, 10k words]

For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental. It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless.

for a guy by jhoom [Teen and Up, 3k words]

Castiel’s made a name for himself as a talented chef, in no small part to Dean’s hard work as his agent. If only Cas’ drug problem wasn’t getting in the way of his work and his relationship with Dean.

Have you ever seen the rain? by zation [Explicit, 81k words]

Thoroughly fed up with Dean’s inability to open up emotionally, Cas walks away only to find comfort in another man’s embrace. Or, The one where Dean realizes his mistakes, but will there be enough time?

If You Get Lost, You Can Always Be Found by WinJennster [Explicit, 25k words]

Days after I’m No Angel, Castiel finds himself exiled from the safety of the bunker. The money Dean gives him runs out all too soon. Luck, or perhaps divine providence, lands him on the Amish farm of Jacob and Lydia Bieler. The Bielers take Cas in. Despite the Amish’s general distrust of outsiders - Englischers - the strange man who can understand their language and isn’t afraid of hard work seems a natural fit amongst them. Castiel thinks he might just go ahead and stay - the farm seems like a good place to heal his broken heart, and maybe forget who broke it. Meanwhile, Dean finds himself so wracked with guilt, he can’t stand to see his own face in the mirror. He doesn't know what's worse; the fact that he threw Cas away or that Sam’s unwillingly - and unwittingly - possessed by an angel. Charlie comes for a visit and decides to stay, and it takes her no time at all to call Dean on his bullshit. With her help and encouragement and a plan to deal with the angel in Sam later, Dean and Charlie set out to find Cas and bring him home. But when they find him, Dean’s surprised that Cas doesn’t want to come home, leaving Dean to face some difficult truths about himself - and how he feels about Castiel.

lonely hearts. by outpastthemoat [General audiences, 4k words]

He thinks he might give up having his own anything just to be able to step foot inside the room next door and sit on the edge of Dean’s bed instead.

Sleight of Hand by aileenrose [Mature, 64k words]

Dean Winchester has interviewed them all--mob bosses, serial killers, crooked politicians. Next he plans to unveil the con-man who markets himself as Castiel, a reclusive and secretive "healer" who claims to heal the sick in return for thousands of dollars. Dean's expecting a challenge, but he never expected Castiel to be so clueless or sweet...or that he might be telling the truth.

Tacoma by ellispark [Mature, 20k words]

After an explosive fight, Castiel leaves the bunker and Dean decides to let him go. As Cas ventures halfway across the country on a journey to find himself, Dean reevaluates what he needs from life. And what he needs is Cas.

The Shape of Regret by Halzbarry [Explicit, 70k words]

Two years ago, Dean walked away from Castiel after discovering his biggest secret—that he’s a witch. Since then, Dean’s spent his days hunting alone, filling the emptiness inside with sex, booze, and the next case. When he gets a desperate call for help from Castiel, Dean doesn’t hesitate to go. But things in the small Maine town aren’t what they seem, especially when he comes face to face with Castiel, who insists he wasn’t the one to place the call. Dean’s been given an opportunity to fix his past mistakes, but it means working alongside a very bitter Castiel, and Benny, a local deputy with knowledge of the supernatural, to figure out what’s plaguing Newport and why it all seems fixated around Castiel.

#destiel #group rec

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maniculum · 6 months

Text

Another example from Der Natueren Bloeme, sent to me by @joeyportfolioey, who says:

The first of the manuscripts in the Koninklijke Bibliotheek, KB KA 16 (ca. 1340-1350), you've already posted. It has another scorpion in its section on the zodiac (f. 19r), though. This one sticks out its tongue, which is fitting, because the bestiary text compares the scorpion to a man who will flatter you to your face, but will stick out his tongue when you turn your back.

Unusual choices in this drawing. First, the decision to add trees & grass but still have the animal floating in the air. I can't get after them for scale or perspective, because this is obviously an intentional stylistic decision, just an odd one. Maybe they're trying to represent the habitat in which this creature can be found? That would be a pretty good move on their part.

Second, the everything about this animal. You can kind of see how completely reasonable stuff combines together to have a weird effect. Top-down view? Sure, if I were drawing a scorpion for a bestiary, that's the most reasonable angle to get a good sense of what the animal looks like. I'm sure many modern diagrams of scorpion anatomy do the same. Sticking out the tongue? As pointed out above, this fits with the text, good job. Weird googly eyes? Look, eyes are hard, I get it; put that little black dot just a millimeter out of place and it looks wrong to us. All of that together, though, makes it look like someone ran this animal over. That thing has been flattened.

Also, one more thing before we get into the points. That's... a deer, right? Everyone else sees that? Not in the Old English sense of "a 'deer' is just a generic word for 'animal'", but like a deer deer. A cervid. Which really just makes the "flattened" thing worse, because deer get hit by cars pretty often, so this is just like... yep that's some roadkill there. Chrissakes, it has hooves. Okay, yeah, it has six legs, and the body & tail are more lizardy than anything else, but still, hard to look at it and not think "deer". Or at least "Appalachian cryptid". Anyhow, points:

Small Scuttling Beaſtie? ½ (the scale isn't clear, but the resemblance to a deer makes me think it isn't that small)

Pincers? ✘

Exoskeleton or Shell? ✘

Visible Stinger? ½, there's something going on at the end of its tail but I wouldn't call it a stinger.

Limbs? 6

This does manage to dodge the penalties, though, because I'm pretty restrictive about those. As much as I might look at it and think "deer", that is identifiably not a deer, so no penalty. And I've already committed to the "mammal" penalty only applying if it has four legs and fur, so the extra pair of legs exempts it. (I actually haven't seen any that fit that particular requirement; I just picked it as the most egregious way a medieval artist could draw the Wrong Type of Animal.)

Vibes... I do not like the not-deer. I'm also not thrilled with it looking like it had a bad encounter with a cartoon steamroller. It's not horrible, but I'm not a fan. 2/5.

Total score:

3.6 / 10

Show me one that hasn't been run over and I'll reconsider.

#medieval scorpions

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vibratingskull · 7 months

Note

I love the way you write Thrawn sooo much! You’re so talented!! I would really love if you did a continuation of the story with the shy, stuttering reader, perhaps with some crushes and romance, if you’re so inclined? That story made me so soft!

Thank you so much, dear ❤️

Part 1

Thrawnxgn!reader

You’re deeply focused on your drawing, moving your stylus on the screen, retouching the defender AGAIN. You bite down your cheek, thinking back at Pryce's reaction, she’s truly mean and rotten to the core, you don’t like her.

Well, to be fair you don’t like politicians in general, but her? It’s a completely new level.

Thanks to Thrawn you avoided complete humiliation but you feel like she will hold the grudge and unleash it on you when she gets the opportunity. You will need to watch behind your back now.

You’re internally fuming.

You sigh, turning your head to turn a button of your tablet and jump out of your skin.

Grand Admiral Thrawn is right behind your back, leaning over your shoulder to watch you work.

“Maker, Gr-Grand Admiral!” You shout, putting your hand over your beating heart. “You’re gonna kill so-someone one day!”

“Do not mind me, continue to work. It is a very interesting process.” He tilts his head, vaguely amused by your reaction.

“In fact I-I just finished.” You grumble, trying to calm down your heart. You hand him your tablet to get his opinion “I modified… The heart and mo-motor to lighten it. It-It would solve the pr-problem of admiral Kon-Konstantine.”

He slowly nods, unfolding the different layers of the prototype plans.

“How are you feeling?” He finally asks, raising his burning red eyes from the screen to meet yours.

“I-I think it’s a good so-solution. Th-their gr-gra…” You gulp, squirming on your seat under his intense gaze and focus on your next sentence “Their gravitational centers should be more ba… balanced now.”

Maker damnit, almost!

You internally curse yourself, you’re in your own lab, on your own territory, stop acting so cowardly and control your voice! You’re a chief technician of the Empire! Act like one!

He slowly shakes his head and looks around your empty lab, before going back to you.

“I was talking about what happened earlier, cha’cah.” He speaks softly. “You gained back the upper hand, but I saw you were hurt by Pryce’s words. Do you wish to speak about it?”

Oh… Oh.

“It’s no-nothing. I’m used to i-it.” you lie. “I-it’s like a mon-monday for me.” you try humor.

Judging by his unimpressed look he sees right through your lie and doesn’t find your pique at yourself funny.

“I am serious, cha’cah.”

You lower your head, fidgeting your fingers. What can you say? You’ve lived through mockery all your life and you buried yourself in works to forget. You chose a field where you didn’t need to speak with people, until you became chief technician.

He takes one of your hands and kneels before you, looking up at your lowered gaze, squeezing it gently.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

You nod,avoiding his gaze, preferring to remain mute rather than having your voice crash with emotion in front of him again. Maybe a bad habit…

“I want you to know it. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I can bear the weight.” His hand comes to your chin, forcing you to look at him. “Alright, cha’cah?”

You gulp.

“Al-alright.”

He nods, satisfied.

“I know you are upset. Can I do something for you?” He asks gently, rising back on his feet.

“D-don’t you have du-duties to attend to?”

“It can wait until I have comforted you.” He casually responds, like it was normal to throw away his Grand Admiral’s duties for something so trivial as your sentiments.

But you take comfort knowing you precede his duties.

“Ca-can I have a hug?”

He chuckles, circling you with his strong arms, pressing you against his heart.

“Of course, cha’cah. You can have one anytime.” He kisses the top of your head, caressing your back.

You snuggle against him, holding him tight, listening to his steady heartbeat, your ire subsiding in the moment’s softness.

@Bluechiss @thrawnalani @justanothersadperson93 @al-astakbar

Tag list

#thrawn x reader #thrawn x you #thrawn #grand admiral thrawn #mitth’raw’nuruodo #fanfic #vibratingskull

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youredreamingofroo · 3 months

Text

The Roo-seum...

group pics and other stuff under the cut! (just to avoid flooding the dash lmao)

CAS pics in the NEXT POST

Now onto me ranting.

The Roo-seum is a 16 sim project that's consumed me for the last couple of days (in a good way), this explores most of Roo's lifespan (not implying he's dead LMAO), from the age of 9 years old, up to now, 28 years old, talking about what he went through for each year (for the most part anyways), of course, I didn't start at 1 or 2 years old, mainly because, way back when I made all of these Roo's (roughly back in July '23, this is not an idea that suddenly sparked, I only acted on it because I have a way to show off each age that isn't a Picrew lmao... I can't draw well so I just used TS4), I made them in Picrew, which... at the time couldn't find a Picrew with kids/babies so the youngest I went was around 9 years old, and just built up from there.

Roo is my persona gone OC, around 5 or 6 years ago, I put on this persona of "Roo", which started as "The Unfortunate Roo" and Roo's (or Mine, since this was technically a Persona, doubling as an OC) design was COMPLETELY different back then, He wasn't a he, the design was a sucubus I think, I don't really recall and I really couldn't care for it, it's embarrassing 💀 I don't remember how he came to fruition, but I remember finding this one picrew that I LOVED, and I used that picrew to create ~Roo~, his initial design was akin to the 22-23 year old Roo, there's a lot about his design that I could talk about but will avoid doing so, but just know that his Sims design isn't super on the dot to what his actual design is supposed to look like.

So... what's Piametia?? Why did you come up with that?? How did you come up with that?? To be honest, I never actually came up with a name up until yesterday when writing the note for 10-12 year old Roo, I don't really remember what sparked me to come up with a condition that "has the Patient suffer a sudden loss or gain in pigmentation and melanin in the eyes and hair," I guess 17 year old me thought it was cool, and it is! It opened up a new story for him, where I couldn't provide story (for someone without Piametia), like how being affected by Piametia caused him to go from extremely accepting of himself, to getting bullied into "normalizing himself," While he achieved this, it was really in vain, because he was still bullied for his condition, but as he grew older, out of his teen years and into adulthood, it bothered him less and less, because, well, shit like that doesn't fucking matter, sure it still bothered him, sure it still traumatized him to some degree, but it's just what some stupid kids say, it doesn't determine what his worth is, and he understands that, so after recovering from almost ending his life, he realized that something had to change, he couldn't live in this wallowing ball of agony because some kids determined "hey! That kid is different! They're no longer as cool as we are! Get him!!"

I should also mention that he didn't develop Piametia til he was around 9 years old, which is exactly what the condition does, it's genetic (although it never occurred in Reese or Virginia, the only reasonable conclusion was that it skipped a generation) and it's drilled into the person's DNA and only takes effect before puberty (in the average kid). So Roo was considered a part of the other kids' little cliques and stuff, but only until his hair and eyes changed color.

I kind of hyped this up to be something extravagant and maybe it is, idk, I don't have the eyes of the audience, I'm just a guy who made this and I have a rather critical view of my work sometimes, I try not to, but force of habit lmao. I really liked making this because Roo is an OC who has grown with me, mainly because he's both a persona of me while also being an OC, so where I change and grow, he often reflects that change and growth, in his own ways of course, I often wish he was real, but he's not and that's the harsh reality. Also gonna clarify that his life does NOT completely reflect mine, I'm only 18, he's ten years older then me lmao, where he was 8 I was 10 years to be conceived- Roo is still his own character, he's had his own relationships, all of which have went poorly (reflecting my own), and even had his own stalker (which escalated)- But parts of his life like when he became extremely homophobic of himself and who he truly was is not reflective of myself, I never had that stage in life (whether you did or not however is not a bad thing unless your actually just homophobic, then gtfo like?? 😭).

I went on a rant there, and I probably could've kept going, but figured I should stop at some point lol, but I hope you guys like this, I sure LOVED making this and I love doing Roo related things and posts. I also provided text in the image descriptions in case it's hard to read in the images (I tried to keep it as clear and readable as possible), and in case anyone who uses a screen-reader finds this post :)

#tw sui mention #tw sui talk #outside of the group pics i feel like the poses dont make too much sense #but I also originally planned to have a full 16 sim lineup so... yea #I think the poses do match the Roo tho esp since I did try to make the poses match their personality at the time #Roo #Rooseum #ts4 #ts4 simblr #sims 4 #simblr #the sims 4 #blender #sims 4 blender #ts4 blender #ts4 render #sims 4 render #blender render

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hautevaux · 21 days

Text

ANONYMOUS ASKED : Since Vaux is an OC I can't send anything about your portrayal like everyone is doing to others on the dash because it doesn't count. BUT! I thought I'd ask you for some blogs you really like or recommend for one reason or another? No specific order kinda thing! Go go go!

Ok - keeping these to the FF7 universe for the moment and mostly as what I could remember off the top of my head and stuck on mobile! Frankly, I absolutely adore everyone I follow and they are all very special to me, but let's just call these a special mention!

@ceaselxss || A given, really. Cas is a phenomenal bean and I absolutely adore them and their Tseng - always have and always will ❤️ ilu forever

@speedchasing || A wonderful person, a sensational writer! I love how much dimension they give to Roche, how they literally made me adore him SO much more just because of their portrayal ❤️

@sacredflorist || Such a beautiful characterisation and such beautiful writing, too! I love them on my dash! ❤️

@poeticphoenix || We love one dramatic bard, and so does Vaux! Always and forever absolutely love. Such beautiful writing and characterisation, my dash isn't complete without them. ❤️

@ivory-paragon || Legit probably one of the blogs I have followed for the longest time, mostly over on Vincent because his blog is so much older. My dash wouldn't be the same without them in it ❤️

@reapersxfolly || A amazing blog with such a beautiful and captivating way of writing! Everything I read of theirs draws me in! ❤️

@blitzrod || ✨ Sensational ✨ I love seeing them pop up on my dash! Definitely one of those blogs that generally makes my dash feel at home. ❤️

@badassbarmaid || Another blog I have followed for a long time on various other blogs, namely my Vincent, and they really do make my dash feel complete. I adore seeing them pop up and always love seeing what they write! ❤️

@bitterarcs || Oh, I can't even explain how much I enjoy seeing them on my dash. Their way of writing is just so so good, so captivating, and it's something that once you start reading, you can't stop. Amazing af 👌❤️

@chthonicsurge || I don't think tumblr has a character count big enough for me to gush about how much I adore their Nero. My love for the Tsviets is eternal and I utterly love forever one darkness child. Their characterisation, their lore expansion, their theories and everything... I just 😘👌No words, all amazement.

@obscureign || Gosh, I haven't been following them for long but I'm already just so in love by the way they write things, the way they set scenes, the way that their writing just naturally has you hanging on to every word they've written. I can't get enough and I always feel so honoured to receive a reply or to see them on my dash. They are a blessing ❤️

@mezzomorendo || The most precious of bebs. Adore forever. Stuck with me forever be it here or elsewhere. Always love their writing, their hcs, their everything! ❤️

@holyguardian || Vaux's bestie. He adores her, I adore you - it's a happy circle of adoration! Honestly though, I really love their writing and how much you can feel their emotion in the words they write ❤️

@shinrasfirst || Forever sensational, to be honest. I really love them to death and always love to see them hopping onto my dash! ❤️

@cwarscars || When I think of Heidegger, I think of Han: only Han. Honestly, I just adore their blog so very much. I've followed them for a long while now and my dash just doesn't feel complete without them there! ❤️

@gcldfanged || I ADORE. A D O R E. Honestly 👌 So wonderful, highlight of my dash, always!! ❤️

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nevarroes · 4 months

Note

aite i know you said that Cas and Bhaal have more beef than loyalty BUT: DOes Cas have a Slayer form? or is that too nastyugly for His Sculptedness

Cas does have one actually (generously included in his deal because Bhaal still expects him to fight for him even if Cas works against it like a dog that stops mid walk🔥) but ermm…. the whole "rebirthing a cambion into a Bhaalspawn" didn't quite work out as Bhaal intended on multiple levels so it corrupted Cas' true devil form instead of being. well a real slayer form. like overriding an inventory slot to me

Cas fucking hates it, as you can imagine, and feels as if Bhaal like.... just took away one more thing from him with this (worse because this was right after losing his wings too and he's rather proud of being an infernal actually). so he just avoids using it like it's a disease until he doesn't see another way out which happened a total of maybe... 3 times in his life

I'll get back 2 this once I've actually sat down to refine the design of his slayerdevil form (or whatever u would call it at this point) promise.... I've just been procrastinating this 4 ages because I'm not someoen that enjoys drawing monster stuff much but Cas. for cas i'll pull through 🙏

#blakemail #its not THAT ugly I suppose but definitely uglier than what it was before. u can imagine why hes mad #actually I suppose it's less “true form” and more like... ascended form. second form even #idk if there's actual lore about this or whatever but to me it's like...#a more humanoid form being the default even in the hells resulting from devils often dealing with mortals vs a more natural and demonic for #for bashing other devils heads in💜#cas lore

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grandmother-goblin · 4 months

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Field Study - Chapter 4

Ao3 - Masterlist

Chapter Summary: In an attempt to fight off the feelings that stir within him whenever he was around Cas, Astarion wanders off into Ethel's swamp alone and nearly loses his newfound freedom.

Relationships: Astarion x Female!Tav

Rating: Explicit (18+) for eventual smut.

Word Count: 5.1k

Chapter Tags: Canon-typical violence, Astarion has something like a panic attack, hand holding, kissing.

Mercifully, mosquitoes seemed to have little interest in vampire blood. They were far more interested in Wyll than anyone one else, which eventually resulted in the warlock simply applying frost armor to himself and watching the bloodsuckers fly happily to their icy graves. Astarion wished he could do the same, given how the tiny pests kept buzzing around his ears like a jewelry merchant working on commission, their sales pitch to those with sensitive ears was almost as bad as their bite.

They weren’t even in Auntie Ethel’s magically beautified swamp anymore; the illusion wore off the second Shadowheart took one look at those bloody sheep. Perhaps if the illusion had stayed, the mosquitos would stop harassing them. Leave it to a hag to disguise a fetid bog as some idyllic wetland.

Oh. That was another fun revelation: Auntie Ethel was a hag.

Not in the withered-old-crone-who-fights-pigeons-over-breadcrumbs way (though that may have been true as well), but in the way she was a dangerous Fey creature that no one in their right mind should mess with. Especially not on the hag’s own turf.

Apparently, Cas did not get that memo.

Either that or she was quite out of her mind.

The discovery of Ethel’s true nature did not seem to bother Cas even the slightest. It was almost like she already knew. Just like she did when Astarion confirmed her suspicions about his condition those nights ago. Suspicions even the Blade of Frontiers did not voice aloud. Though no one said a word, Astarion knew Shadowheart and Wyll thinking the same thing he was: Cas was hiding something.

As for what that something was, he had no idea. Whatever it was, Astarion became more and more convinced that Cas was not just some ranger from Neverwinter like she had claimed. Even if the others thought she was lacking in general intelligence, there was an undeniable, quiet wisdom in which she carried herself. Calm and experienced. The kind of knowledge that couldn’t come from books or a classroom.

An hour had passed since Astarion and Cas took over night watch. In order to keep two people on guard in their temporary camp, Astarion and Cas took their meditation early so Shadowheart and Wyll could get at least six hours of uninterrupted sleep. It was a long night shift, but it seemed like the best option. They all needed to be well rested in case their meeting with Auntie Ethel went sideways.

Plus, it meant Astarion got some alone time with Cas.

Moonlight seeped through the canopy of leaves above where they rested, providing their sole source of light. A campfire was too risky. Although they chose their temporary camping ground wisely, they simply did not know the area well enough to forgo any extra precautions. Hence the double guard duty.

Though it would have been far more effective for Cas and Astarion to stand watch on opposite ends of the camp, they found themselves drawn together before long. Long conversations under the moon and stars had started to become their thing. They did not have any wine with them, but he could think of more than a few ways to make up for that.

With his chin resting on her shoulder, he wrapped an arm around her and traced tantalizing circles around her hip with his thumb, watching with quiet fascination as she worked on her field journal. A pencil drawing of the tadpole, almost exactly as he remembered it, emerged from the page with all its horrifying glory. By all accounts, it was beautiful artwork despite the subject matter. The colors she chose were ones he wouldn’t have expected, but they worked in harmony to bring out a lifelike quality in the work. Each line was precise, purposeful, and Astarion found himself deeply enthralled in the process.

Astarion brought a finger to the corner of the page, far from the bulk of the artwork. “You draw stuff like this for a living, right?” he asked. “For your vampire friend’s research.”

Cas gave an affirmative hum. “Whenever Eroc or my brother need illustrations for their work.”

“And their work involves creatures like this?” He tapped the drawing of the tadpole in the center of its razorsharp maw.

A shiver went down his spine. That thing, and its teeth, still lurked in his skull. Waiting. If it could see the drawing, perhaps it would be flattered enough to let them live. Unlikely, but the idea of the tadpole having a thimble of vanity almost made him smile.

“This is the sort of stuff they’d be interested in.” Cas swiped her palm lightly over the page, dusting away any debris her pencils might have left behind. “But no. Not this specifically.”

Deciding he no longer wanted to dwell on the beast, Astarion averted his gaze to Cas’s neck where his twin puncture wounds were still proudly on display. All purple and red against her rich copper skin. The sight of it filled him with a surge of primitive pride. Marking his territory, as it were. Any man, woman, or vampire would think twice before encroaching on her.

His lips skated carefully over the bruise, earning a soft but surprised gasp and a trail of goosebumps in his wake. The hand on her hip slipped just beneath her tunic, where soft skin pressed into his touch. With a rakish grin he asked, “Do you ever draw nudes?”

A puff of laughter escaped her lips. A delightful sound that made his stomach flutter for reasons he did not want to think about. “Are you volunteering?” She set the journal aside and leaned further into his touch. Their bodies melded together from shoulder to thigh like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Only if you’re naked too, my dear,” he teased, his lips brushing against her ear as he spoke.

Cas smiled as she let her head rest against his shoulder and he could smell the faintest hint of lavender in her hair. Quietly, she picked up his hand in hers, her thumb tickling the center of his palm as she studied it.

Astarion furrowed his brow. “What are you doing?”

“You have nice hands,” she said and then she laughed. “Is it terribly dull of me that I would rather draw your hands than a nude?”

No. Not at all. He actually found himself rather curious about what those drawings would look like. Not that he would admit it. “You know, there are plenty of people who’d die for the opportunity to get me naked,” he said instead.

In fact, plenty of people had. Gods. He didn’t even want to think about it more than he had to.

She bumped him good-naturedly and said with a little laugh, “I’m not that desperate.”

Part of him thought to bring up how eager she had been the other night in his tent, but he didn’t want to risk embarrassing her. Not only that, but he had just realized something: he and Cas had been sitting together for almost an hour. Touching. Yet she didn’t make any move on him save for touching his hand.

In fact, when he listened for her heartbeat he found that it was calm. Cas was entirely relaxed sitting next to him. No flutters of anticipation, no changes to her breathing. Hells, she barely reacted when he had kissed her neck.

Most people he seduced would have taken that opportunity and run with it.

But Cas seemed perfectly happy just chatting with him.

He swallowed as a pang of something rattled in his chest. Something warm, pleasant, and safe that his body desperately tried to shut down with every bit of coldness it could muster. When the warmth dissipated, so did the icy fear, leaving behind that comfortable and familiar numbness.

Perhaps he needed a bit of space. Just a bit of time to himself so the feeling didn’t threaten to come back.

Astarion cleared his throat and sat Cas upright so he didn’t topple her over when he stood. “It’s been a while since we last did a patrol,” he said, just to give himself an excuse. “I’ll be back shortly.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, no,” he said before she could get to her feet. “You did the last one. It’s my turn.”

Cas frowned, a mixture of confusion and concern on her face. “Okay.” She drew out the word and averted her gaze, seeming almost embarrassed. “Just don’t stray too far. There might be worse than redcaps out there.”

He brushed off her concern and excused himself, leaving her looking a bit like a kicked puppy, but he couldn’t bring himself to dwell on it. He had to get a bit of air. Just a moment to himself to get his emotions under control.

What in the Hells was wrong with him? Cas was nothing more than a pretty face. He had spent time with hundreds of beautiful people over the centuries. Those people, however, did not cause damn butterflies in his stomach.

It almost felt like he had an actual friend in Cas. Like she didn’t see him as something to be used. But he knew better than to get his hopes up. Chances were that Cas was just like everyone else. She just hadn’t revealed her true colors yet.

He needed to get a grip and focus on the task at hand: patrolling the outskirts of their secluded campsite.

Before they went to sleep, Shadowheart and Wyll mentioned that the campground seemed quiet and secure. So far, nothing proved them wrong. Crickets chirped and an owl hooted somewhere in the distance. Active animals were always a good sign. It was when things got quiet that there was reason to worry. About a hundred meters away from the campsite he started again on the path he walked at the beginning of his shift, listening for any suspicious noises and watching for shadows. The night was blissfully calm and gave him some space to think.

Astarion ran his hands through his hair and laced them behind his neck, releasing a long breath between his lips. From the first time he laid eyes on Cas, he was physically attracted to her. That much was undeniable. He’d been with plenty of gorgeous people. Most of which he never had the luxury of getting to know. The chance of any of his relationships (if one could even call them that) turning into something more was always an impossibility.

Cazador would end it, one way or another.

With a grimace, Astarion recalled a sweet young man he had tried to spare and how Cazador punished him for it. Any sort of attachment always came at a cost higher than Astarion was willing to pay.

It simply wasn’t worth the risk.

But for the first time in centuries, Astarion had the chance at something real. An actual relationship that meant something more than a meal for his master. A relationship he could damage so easily if he wasn’t careful.

Astarion didn’t want to lose Cas’s trust or, dare he say, friendship. He didn’t want to hurt the first person in centuries who actually seemed to give a damn about him. Who asked about his day, who cared about his thoughts, wanted to know his feelings, and took extra steps to ensure he was okay. He liked having someone care about him. But it scared the shit out of him. It was only a matter of time before Cazador ripped it away just like he did everything else.

Dousing the fire that ignited in the pit of his stomach whenever he saw Cas was the smart thing to do. But as much as he tried, he didn’t think he could do that. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to. After tasting her blood, tasting her lips and the salt of her skin, he was fairly certain that fire in him would implode before burning out.

Astarion stuffed his hands in his pockets and tried to focus on his surroundings, but that focus quickly returned to the muddled mess in his mind. Cas was supposed to be just like any other target he had seduced. She just had to fall for him, and he had to somehow stop whatever feelings she stirred within him.

Had he not been so caught up in his own head, he might have heard it. The whisper of a spell, or the shuffling of dirt beneath the caster’s feet. A chilling sensation struck him in the middle of his chest, spreading through each and every vein from the tops of his ears to the tips of his toes.

The ice in his stomach wasn’t just the result of magic. It was from the cold realization that he could not move.

Fear crept and coiled around him like a venomous snake. With every ounce of willpower he had, he begged his body to move, to do something, before it could strike. But it was as if his body had betrayed him, under the command of another. Panic seized his heart.

No.

No, it couldn’t be Cazador. Cazador would never trek so far from Baldur’s Gate. And his control felt nothing like the magic that enveloped him now.

Footsteps approached from his right and a stocky, disheveled, man appeared in his periphery.

A Gur.

Of course it was a fucking Gur.

“With how smoothly that went, you’d think I was the Huntsman of Neverwinter,” the Gur said, his voice deep and jovial. “Old man Gandrel could take a few pointers, eh?”

If Astarion could use his tongue, he’d make some comment about how adorable it was that the Gur thought he was even a speck of dirt compared to the greatest monster hunter in recent history. Still, he tucked the nugget of knowledge away. The Gur was overconfident, that much was clear, and overconfident people tended to make mistakes.

The Gur pulled out a length of rope and manipulated Astarion’s hands behind his back. “Holding spell always makes this part a bit easier,” he said conversationally as the rough rope bit into Astarion’s skin. “Unfortunately, it won’t hold long enough to get you back to Baldur’s Gate, but that’s what old fashioned rope is for.” With a grunt, the Gur tied off the rope and somehow made the binding impossibly tighter.

The feeling in Astarion’s fingers was already fading when the Gur came around to his front, finally looking his prey in the eyes. Astarion willed his body to do something, to spit in his face or throw a punch. The holding spell held firm. Heat built behind his eyes and white-hot rage dripped from his throat to his stomach.

Not like this.

Not again.

With a sympathetic tilt of his head, the Gur produced a wooden dowel with leather straps on either side. A bit. To keep him from screaming. “It’s nothing personal, Astarion. Almost feel bad taking you away from your friends because you won’t find such pleasant company where we—”

An arrow ripped away the rest of the sentence as it tore through the Gur’s cheeks clear to the other side. Then a second arrow pierced the man’s skull in silent fury.

The holding spell released so suddenly that Astarion fell to his knees like a child’s discarded rag doll. Mere feet away from him, the Gur collapsed, eyes open and unblinking as blood dripped from the metal arrowheads.

Cas called his name breathlessly. Her bow clacked against the arrows in her hands as she rushed to his side, practically skidding to a stop in front of him. She pulled the dagger from her hip and sliced through the rope like she had done it a dozen times before. When the ropes fell away, she checked him over with careful yet efficient hands, feeling for injuries in his vital areas. Then she knelt in front of him with her eyes wide and wet.

Words were tumbling out of her mouth, question after question, but Astarion could not bring himself to focus on them. Nor could he bring himself to answer.

Just like that, he was almost captured. No warning, no time to prepare. His freedom, gone in the blink of an eye. Not just a reminder but a remembrance of his past life, like his mortality stolen once more with false promises. Images of blood, the face of a wicked devil…

No, things were different from before.

Cas had come to his rescue. And she was the furthest thing from a devil.

There was a ringing somewhere in the depths of his ears so loud it was nauseating. The cruel smiles from his longtime sadistic master did not rule over him at this very moment, though the scars from years of abuse and neglect screamed as if ripped anew.

The worry in Cas’s deep brown eyes quieted his internal storm. He began to take calming breaths, trying to make sense of these swirling emotions that felt vaster than any damnable ocean. He couldn’t make sense of the movement of her mouth as he focused on the light freckles dusting her cheeks.

Like the blood spattered across the ground, small specks of himself were all that were left from his last encounter with a Gur. Nothing could truly compare to the night Cazador “rescued” him. Yet it was the only comparison he had to draw from. For better or worse, the only reason Astarion walked the mortal planes was due to Cazador.

Cazador was the only person who had ever tried to “save” him.

Until Cas.

He felt her trembling fingers, ghosting over his cheekbones, as the warmth from her palms settled into either side of his face. Gentle. Caring. Greater concern welled in the depths of her pupils as she brushed the pad of her thumb across his clammy skin.

“What can I do to help?” Cas asked, the stark calm in her voice reducing the deafening alarm in his ear to a niggling warble. She repeated the question but her words drowned in the torrent of emotions cascading through his mind.

If Cas hadn’t shown up when she had… Astarion pushed the bombardment of dark memories aside that had tormented him for decades, drowning them out with Cas’s light. Based on what the Gur had confided, bringing him back to Baldur’s Gate alive meant the only thing awaiting him was a fate worse than death. Numbly, Astarion wrapped his fingers around Cas’s wrist, feeling her steady pulse beneath his fingertips, willing his own heart to fall in beat with her metronome.

“Please say something?” Cas laced her fingers with his. “Just so I know that whatever spell he used is completely worn off.”

Closing his eyes, he took another deep breath. “Thank you,” he said. And for the first time in centuries, he truly meant it. Words would never be enough for what she just did for him, but at the moment, they were the only thing he could give.

A small smile spread across her pretty lips and she threw her arms around him. The scent of her leathers couldn’t completely mask the metallic smell of blood, but it helped ground him. With Cas’s arms around him, he felt… almost safe. But feeling something and knowing something were different things entirely.

As long as Cazador was around, he would never be safe. And neither would she.

“I’m so happy you’re okay,” she said, her voice muffled in the fabric of his shirt. “If you had just disappeared like that I— I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

“Look for me, I hope.” He tried to make the words sound lighthearted, like the past ten minutes were nothing more than dust in the wind, but his voice betrayed him with a crack.

Damn it.

Without even thinking, Astarion wrapped his arms around her and buried his face into the crook of her neck. The warmth of her body and her even breaths provided comfort he never would admit to needing.

Astarion wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. It could have been a few seconds or maybe even a minute before he forced himself to let go. Hugging wasn’t something he normally did. At least, not without a goal in mind. Certainly never for comfort.

A bloom of unfamiliar warmth grew in his chest. It felt… nice to be cared for. It wasn’t a feeling he could ever allow himself to get used to. It was temporary. Just like Cas.

He had to remember that.

Cas gave his shoulders a friendly squeeze before she let him go and said, “We should search the body and head back to camp.”

Instead of saying anything, he just nodded numbly.

They didn’t find much on the body besides hunting supplies. No note. Nothing to identify the man by and nothing to give them any clue who had sent him after Astarion. Though deep in his gut, Astarion suspected he knew exactly who would have sent a Gur after him. Cazador probably found the idea hilarious, given his history.

He and Cas patrolled the remainder of the perimeter together in silence. Astarion simply didn’t know what to say. What words could possibly suffice for what Cas did for him that night? Protecting him without a hint of hesitation, killing a man for him. It wasn’t something anyone had done for him before.

Even with a bit of time and distance from his encounter with the Gur, adrenaline pounded in his veins with nowhere to go. Fight or flight, he did not get either option. However, his body did not seem to get the memo. It was as if it was still waiting for something else to happen. Another monster hunter, a mind flayer, some threat bigger than an owl hooting away in a nearby tree. But the night was calm once again, even if Astarion wasn’t.

When Cas turned to go back to the campsite, he found himself reaching for her hand. For whatever reason, he wasn’t ready to go back. Wasn’t ready to sit at camp with nothing but his thoughts and quiet conversation. Not when everything in his head was still so loud. Not when his body still did not feel like his own. He didn’t want to be around people who were just waiting for a reason to turn on him just for what he was.

Cas raised a brow at him, but did not retreat from his touch. “Is everything okay?”

He owed her. He owed her more than she could ever possibly comprehend. And he didn’t like to be indebted to people. Especially when he didn’t know what the payment would be when it came due.

Yet the last time he had offered to repay her, she told him that he didn’t owe her anything. Past experiences told him not to believe her, but he certainly couldn’t let her know that. He also knew better than to put the offer out there again. It would not do him any good considering how she had rebuffed the suggestion of a quid pro quo before. In fact, she might even find the idea insulting.

Most polite people didn’t like the idea of exchanging favors for sex. Or at the very least, they didn’t like it when it was stated so plainly.

Astarion placed his hands on her hips and turned her towards him. “I don’t want to go back to camp just yet, darling,” he said and stepped in close to her, forcing her to tilt her head back to look up at him. “I just want to be alone with you for a little while longer.”

Cas rolled her lips and glanced towards the tents in the distance. “We’d be alone at camp,” she said. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

The response was so innocent, it almost made him laugh. “No, my sweet.” His hand drifted from her hip down to the swell of her backside and his lips brushed over hers when he spoke. “I just want a moment with you.”

Just with Cas. Cas had somehow become a calming presence in his life. Someone who accepted him completely for what he was. Maybe even for who he was.

Whatever he had with Cas wasn’t something he wanted to just let slip away. He wanted her reasons that went beyond wanting to pay a debt, perhaps even beyond the protection she could provide him.

He was actually kind of fond of her.

And he was beginning to believe that she might be fond of him as well.

He tucked a finger under her chin and tilted her face close to his, her breath was warm against his lips and the inches between their mouths was reduced to a paper-thin sliver. “Stay with me.”

Just a moment for the two of them. With the woman who stirred some long dormant feelings back to life. With the woman who saved him. The woman he couldn’t dare let himself fall for; no matter how she made his heart pound against its cage.

Slowly, he closed the distance between them as he covered her lips with his own. A soft groan filled the air as her hands fisted the fabric of his shirt, her smaller frame pressed tightly along his front. Each breath they shared quieted the mess within his mind, and he found himself lost in the sweetness of her mouth.

Overcome with the need to get closer, to feel more of her, he lifted her against him just long enough to walk her backwards to a nearby tree. The sounds of night that enveloped them, crickets chirping and the cool breeze rustling leaves, faded as he claimed her mouth with his.

Kissing her was as sinful as it was saccharine. Her lips were lush, indulgent, and demanding all at once. His fingers tightened in her hair as her tongue licked into his mouth, igniting a fire low in his belly. A fire that had been present ever since their first kiss but laid waiting to be coaxed to a blaze.

More than anything, the kiss was pure. Honest. Like nothing he had experienced before, yet the solace brought by her lips overpowered the fear that accompanied every good feeling he had. Her arms wrapped around him, pressing their bodies so close he could feel her pulse, her every breath, the swell of her breasts and the sensual heat gathering between their bodies.

The need to get closer turned desperate, but the comfort she provided never abated. His teeth, his fangs, grazed her lower lip, careful enough not to break the skin but by no means gentle. The soft moan in her throat told him all he needed to know. She trusted him. Even with his fangs against her skin, playing on the edge of biting her, she trusted him.

It was too much.

Cas rolled her hips, the delicious friction against his hardened length teasing him. Just a few layers of clothing were all that stood between him pressing inside her, and she knew it. Her slender, demanding, fingers slipped into the waistband of his trousers and tried to pull him impossibly closer. Like being pressed up against a tree beneath him didn’t quite satisfy her.

It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough and it was too much all at once. The pounding of that pesky organ in his chest, the hot flush on his cheeks, the fire in his belly… he actually wanted this.

When was the last time he had wanted to take someone to bed? He had been on his back thousands of times, faces and names a blur, just forcing himself to get the job done. To do Cazador’s bidding in whatever way the bastard wanted.

His own wants, his enjoyment, never even factored into it. Sex was just one of the few weapons he had at his disposal. It was about doing what he had to to survive.

But with Cas, it wasn’t about survival. It was something else entirely.

“What’s wrong?” Cas’s voice broke through his thoughts and her hand cupped his face. “Do you want to stop?”

It was only then he realized that his hands had frozen where they had gripped her thighs. In fact, he didn’t even remember wrapping her legs around his hips. Or did she do that?

Normally when his mind drifted off someplace else similar situations, he body went on autopilot. It was all muscle memory. But he never froze.

What in the Hells was wrong with him?

Astarion shook his head. Under most circumstances, he would have been relieved to stop. But at that moment, stopping was the very last thing he wanted to do. Instead, his traitorous mouth said, “We probably should.”

Not because of her, yet it was completely because of her. Out of all the people he had been with over the centuries, none brought anything other than a sense of self-loathing and disgust. But it was different with Cas and it scared the shit out of him.

Of course, he would never tell her that.

“If we continue, I’ll have a hard time stopping myself from getting another taste,” he mumbled the lie into the crook of her neck, inhaling that scent that was uniquely Cas. Like leather and lavender, feral and feminine. He covered a pulse point on her neck with his lips and nipped the skin. Just hard enough that it would leave a little bruise and he couldn’t help but laugh when she returned the favor.

With one more kiss, she detached herself from him. No insistence to continue. No shame. No insults to his masculinity. “I understand,” she said with a sweet and sincere smile. “You do what you need to do.”

Astarion took a step back lest he act on his sudden impulse to kiss her again. It wasn’t the right time. As much as his body craved to feel every last inch of her, he couldn’t with his current state of mind.

Stopping was the right thing to do.

“I should probably find something to sink my fangs into,” he said as he shoved his hands into his pockets so he wouldn’t be tempted to reach out to her again. “Will you be alright watching the camp while I hunt? It shouldn’t take long.”

The idea of going off by himself after everything that happened that night didn’t appeal to him, but being alone was far less frightening than confronting whatever feelings being around Cas stirred up.

Cas didn’t seem to like the idea either judging by the crease that appeared between her brows. But she nodded. “Be careful,” she said. “I’ll be waiting for you back at camp.”

Resisting the urge to pull her into another kiss, Astarion stalked off into the woods, halfway convinced the only way he could get Cas off his mind was to do something reckless.

Fighting a bear would likely do the trick.

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#astarion #astarion x tav #astarion x female tav #astarion fanfic #astarion smut #field study bg3 fanfic #bg3 #baldur's gale 3

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theywhoshantbenamed · 2 months

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You got me rewatching my favorite bits of WTTT again, and I can't get over the fact that it was North Carolina insisting that government official looks better in lady's underwear than Cali. Like was there a vote? Did he lead it? Also Kentucky breezing right past that to invite CA to a cowboy themed party fueled like, 6 chapters in my fic lol.

My assumption is that it was general consensus. Like, they all looked at the pics and went “yeah okay he kinda killed that tho”

AND YEAH that’s why I lowkey like Kentucky he was so quick to invite California to hillbilly days I was like “aw Cali’s being included!!” but then California rejected him 😒

Just for that, I might draw them actually going together and just having a good time. Kentucky shot his shot I wanna see him win

BUT YEAHHHH I can’t wait to see what influence this had on your fic!! Very excited!

#asks for ash!!#ash answers!!#wttt #welcome to the table #ben brainard #wttt california #wttt kentucky #wttt north carolina

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