Eight Things I've Learned from Eight Years of Healing.
A few days ago, on the 25th of July 2021, I celebrated my anniversary of my sobriety of self harming and cutting myself. The situation at the time was a toxic breakup, a toxic mindset, and I wasn’t in the best headspace and ever since that day, it was the day I decided to never trip over any man, loose my self or self harm again.. and though it gets hard sometimes, I remind myself of who I am and the promise I made. Over time, I decided that every year it comes around that I treat it like my second birthday, I go all out and celebrate my life because I was also suicidal. I haven’t been on my blogs or social media at all that much because I’ve been dealing with other things but when in doubt, I have to remind myself that I do have a following and you all have been so interactive and loyal, so I’m officially back and better. Mental health is one of my biggest priorities, I don’t take it lightly and when I feel like I need to— I go to therapy, take a break, and just detox from people, habits, and other stuff that may not benefit me mentally anymore. Eight years of healing has been a blessing, and I’m still becoming the woman I want to be. These eight things are simply reflections, to remind me and yet help you as well in the process.
Therapy isn’t as uncommon as I thought: My first time in therapy was actually in middle school, I was bullied and that made me introverted and quiet. Overtime my parents saw my scars on my arms and thighs and decided to step in and get me therapy and wouldn’t you believe that I was also bullied… for going to therapy? It scared me and so I stopped, but after my breakup and reaching out I was talking to some family and friends and they actually opened up about how they actually attended therapy too. It’s become such a huge conversation between my mom & I since we lost my dad last year and therapy has seem to become the new normal.
You can’t fight for someone who isn’t worth fighting for: The breakup was hard for me and him. I was toxic, and I own and understand that and I’ve done my part in healing and letting him go, and the same goes for him. I really had to come to my conclusion that I fought for nothing because..I didn’t love him anyways.. I just loved the attention and the feeling or the “aesthetic” of us. I was a junior in high school and he was a senior, and every conversation we had was biased and separated. He wanted to do one thing, I wanted another.. and although we had feelings, I wish I would’ve known that maybe he was just supposed to be a friend or even a best friend but no more than that.. I was being bullied in high school and so here comes a magical guy who shows interest and bam over the summer in less than a month, we got into this relationship that was over hyped, and honestly we weren’t supposed to be together anyways and that “relationship” wasn’t even worth fighting for.
I’m still worthy and open for new relationships: Whether it be friendships or my love life, I am actually more open now than ever for new people in my life, I don’t put a pressure on people or things because I’ve actually learned to be my own best friend & while I love my quiet nights in with a warm bath and a good rom-com, or a nice glass of bubbly while catching up on my reading.. it’s okay to want some friends to hang with, to have my clique when I need them the most! I haven’t found them yet but in due time they’ll come, until then I put myself out there and I know the value of my friendship and love.
Life is too beautiful: Not gonna lie, I’ve had moments in my life that weren’t rainbows and sunshine but after getting myself back, and really spending time with my family I realized that life really is beautiful. To be alive is a gift all by itself. And no one— not even Mr.Right is worth loosing life over.
I can be a resource for others: I’m not a therapist at all, but when friends and family really need me to deal with their problems, I have become available for others without ever stepping over my own boundaries. I’ve had moments where I have completely disregarded my mental health but I definitely have learned to take in with out taking too much out of me, being a resource matters for me because I still want others to know that they can count on me when they need to.
Right men really do be coming at the wrong time: Ya’ll know that sometimes that “too could to be true” and Prince Charming, can really come through with the carriage and the mentality of a healthy relationship— at the wrong time! As I shared before, I was a Junior and he was a Senior and even though he was a great partner, the toxicity stepped in with mentality. Different goals, arguments over trust issues, and just insecurities. It wasn’t something that we needed to happen and he was a beautiful person, which is why I regret that we should’ve just stayed friends. He was Prince Charming 99.9% of the time but that 1% means more than you think, and it was just right dude, wrong time and mental aspect in life.
Spirituality matters: I’ve stated that I’m a Christian many times on this page before, and I make sure to sprinkle some of my faith here and there when I feel like I need to, my faith was nonexistent when I decided to take mental health seriously and stop self harming, say what you want, but when it comes down to it having a relationship with God for me, was important. Far from perfect, but I started wearing my hijab (yes, my hijab) after the relationship and started head covering, it helped me feel closest to God, and reminded me of my value when in relationships. Praying, bible studying, and just having a community of other christian girls at the time who too were dealing with heartbreak and toxicity, was amazing. I may not wear my hijab as much as I did back then, but it’s still a big factor in my faith that I wear it when I’m fasting, praying, or attending church sometimes. (& yes, feel free to ask me about my faith anytime)
Future Me thanks old me: This statement by itself is so underrated, and yet important. Making the moves, and doing what I did back then, I condemn my actions but I thank myself for how I decided to heal through the process. It hurts a little how much I acted up over someone that I didn’t real life — even love, but understanding that in my victim mentality and loneliness, I held on to something that wouldn’t have lasted anyway. I thank myself now because I know in the future when I walk down the aisle to my future husband, on our honeymoon while we’re making love over the streets of Paris,France.. we’ll be laughing about it & that’s all that matters.
In the end, 8 years of this euphoria and blessing is such a bliss. I look at old pictures of myself, I see old pictures of me and him time to time and I just laugh. Life is too short to be stuck on an unsuccessful relationship in high school, it’s a tiny setback compared to the come back. Take everything you needed from this piece and please remember that I will always be here for you, be your best top tier self that you can be by learning from mistakes and laughing at your past. In the words of an amazing prophet “Thank U,Next.”
84 notes · View notes
A week ago I was reminded how I used to get chills when I prayed to Yinepu, and I realized that it's no longer happening. I'm not sure when or how that specific experience slipped through the cracks, but today it obviously eludes me.
I have decided to embark on a course of action. Although I realize that pleasant physical sensations aren't a prerequisite for connecting with the divine, I miss the reassurance and sense of awe that came with those feelings and I want them back.
This observation has also brought with it the realization that I have been merely going through the motions spiritually, and not really engaging with my higher power. I stopped performing Senut regularly and instead I've spent morning and night merely praying at my shrine unceremoniously, just to check it off. I have not been asking Yinepu for help and guidance in my daily affairs, and my stress level has been rising.
I've also found myself caught up in non-dual teachings which draw the focus away from deity worship entirely.
I recently remembered a prayer I once used on a regular basis: "Yinepu, help me do the things that bring me closer to You." If I could only say one prayer forever, I think I'd choose this one. I don't know when I stopped using it, but now I'm implementing it again.
Of course I cannot resist mixing other religious customs into my practice. I have a small 54-bead mala that I use for japa meditation, using His name as my mantra. I do this every night as I'm falling asleep.
I cleaned my worship spaces. I find the state of my shrines reflects my devotion to my spiritual life, and offers hints at how much I love and care about myself as well. The Netjeru are either a priority, or they aren't. They say in AA that you can't think your way into right acting, but you can act your way into right thinking. If I regularly repeat the sort of actions that suggest strength in my spiritual life, it will become reality for me.
I've been making serious effort to turn my will over to Yinepu when I don't get what I want, or even when I do. I have to remind myself that I am not in charge; I am not the center of the universe. I ask Him to send me someone I can help each day when I pray. Helping others has been my mind altering substance in sobriety and I could really use a fix.
And I need to continue these practices, whether they produce the results I seek or not. Without a strong spiritual life I am miserable at best.
Just wanted to write this out.
58 notes · View notes
I’ve been sober 7 months now. 7 whole and blissful months.
I never became addicted to the drug. My problem lied so much deeper. I hated who I was so much I couldn’t face myself. I became addicted to the escape, drugs were just the best outlet I was able to find. I spent 3 years using hard drugs on an almost daily basis.
I lost relationships. I lost jobs. I resorted to doing things I never saw myself doing. I had things happen to me I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies. I lost myself. I lost respect from others and respect for myself.
It’s been 7 months now. 7 months of sanity, of rational thought, of a resurrection, of learning who I am, of growth. I have never been happier. I have never known who I am better than I do now.
First picture is me, high as a kite. Second is now.
190 notes · View notes