Hey spoiled I hope you’re well..I just needed a pep talk if you’re in the headspace to give one..I was on my hypergamy journey, I was moving up, I was getting my mindset right, I had all these plans..then I met a man who was very manipulative. I got caught in his emotionally abusive trap. After 6 months I finally realized the truth and I’ve blocked him, ran away, and left for good. Now I’m in this place of starting over. How do I do this? What do I do now? I was in such a good place and now I just feel like I let myself down. Is it too late to level up? I want to come back even stronger but I want to know the steps to even begin…I know I deserve the best. I know I do…one of the things he told me to brain wash me was ‘you want this multi-millionaire princess life but sorry you weren’t lucky, this is what you got instead’ and it made me feel guilty for wanting the life I want. I feel lost but not completely broken. I just need some guidance, and hopefully my message will help other women and girls too. Thank you 💕
Aww man, this ask really brought tears to my eyes. I see so much of myself in this question. Warning: This is a lengthy response. Reader’s discretion is advised.
“I feel so lost but not completely broken”
I want to start off by stating how proud of you I am, seriously. The fact that you had the discipline, the confidence and the strength to leave and stand on not going back is amazing. Many can’t do that, let alone within 6 months. Release the mindset that you took ten steps backwards. You didn’t. I promise you didn’t. You passed a test most of your peers could never, let alone in such a short time frame. You’ve elevated to the next level. You have leveled up from allowing yourself to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Congratulations 🍾
In fact, I sure tf didn’t. It took me almost two years. My level up journey started off being played immensely by a man I convinced myself was a privilege to be acknowledged by. I made myself small. I allowed, enabled and welcome verbal abuse. I convinced myself that I have no place to want more and I should settle with being a doormat. Who am I to want to be treated nicely, not even lovingly? It’s hard to admit this, but in order to come back stronger I had to face the truth of what I enabled.
I didn’t have your strength. In fact, that man used me until it was time to throw me away. I would’ve still been on standby for him if he didn’t ghost me for the next naïve. I reached rock bottom. The same questions you have “what do I do?” “I wasted so much time! Is it too late?” “Idk where to begin”.
What do you do now? You start off by confirming to self that you are not starting over. Drill that into your head. You are not start over, you’re starting the next chapter. Another level with obstacles, tests and rewards. It’s starts with your mental strength first before coming back stronger emotionally and physically.
Then, you begin to heal by doing some shadow work. It’s important to note what was it about yourself that failed to immediately exit stage left when you saw the red flags. In order to not repeat mistake, you must acknowledge and claim those mistakes. This can be very triggering, especially if you’re doing it correctly. View That Girl Guide for a list of shadow work along with this post of femininity shadow work questions. Take your time. Allow yourself to feel, cry and even feel some shame. Shame comes with accountability, so give yourself some grace if you end up feeling slightly embarrassed by what you allowed or were even forced to allow sometimes.
Is it too late to level up? Absolutely not. You’re not on your deathbed girl. You and a million of other women have the similar if not same stories. You need to use this experience as your backstory in order to make change in your reality. If anything, it added emphasis to your level up. How can you level up if you don’t go through things to immensely level up from? Now you have a backstory of starting your journey and falling into a manipulative trap and elevating from that experience.
How do I do this? Your way. The gift of committing to leveling up is that in the fine print, it states that this is a journey of a lifetime. You want to live a multi millionaire princess life and you fucking deserve to. Insist on it. This is your “now what?” moment. What is it you want from life? Your next partner? What is it you want from yourself? What new boundaries & standards are you going to implement into your new lifestyle? I suggest this scripting prompt for you and others who relate to your story:
Think of your final toxic relationship. Feel how they made you feel. Remember the times they’ve mistreated you, dismissed you or outright disrespected you. If you’re triggered, go back and stick to healing. This part is growth. Now, I want you to detail how you’ve leveled up five (ten, twenty) years from that time. What’s different about you? What do you no longer tolerate? What changes had to be made to your environment and self esteem in order to ensure you receive nothing less than overwhelming abundance (too spoiled!).
This is the hardest part because you’re going to be lost for a little while. That’s the cost of finding yourself. With getting lost, you stumble upon things. I mean, you made it here didn’t you? Have fun getting lost because that’s how you’re introduced to new things.
Before I detail how I began leveling up from my past “relationship”, I want to make it very clear that you were dealing with a man who was intimidated by your potential. That quote you shared that he said to you let’s me know that he saw the princess QUEEN you are(!) and realized that he will never be an sufficient match, therefore his only option is to attempt to bring you down to his miserable level. The only other option would be him leveling up as well, and why would a bum do that? If it helps, write his stupid ass a letter letting him know how much you’ve grown from the experience with him and how you take back all of your energy he may possess. Burn it after.
With leveling up, you encounter people who insist on knocking you down a few notches. When I say I’m so proud of you, I mean it. I’m in my home clapping for you, real shit. I am so proud of you for leaving that loser in the dust. I am so so so proud of you for choosing yourself over a dusty. Now that’s feminine. That’s leveling up. Women are harmed in relationships like this one so I’m going to keep reiterating the fact that you made a smart, strategic choice that contributes to your growth immensely.
I understand it may be the hardest part finding your footing on your journey (more like an obstacle course, right?) so I hope it’s helpful to anyone if I summarize how I decided to level up from my rock bottom:
Im sitting on my bed realizing that this man has blocked me from all platforms. Regularly, I gave him pussy saw him last night…it’s not even noon yet lol. I spent the next few weeks (over a month and a half actually) sitting in my sorrow. I felt lost. I didn’t know what else to do expect wait for the next man to use me as he wish. But I knew it felt wrong. I was in a space on life where I knew I wanted more, however I battled with convincing myself that I am worthy of more. I genuinely felt like I had no business to ever receive abundance. If XYZ don’t have it, why should I? I grew up thinking I was invisible so when a man saw me, I thought I needed to hold onto such a luxury. Whew, man.
I looked around and realized that I am better than this. I really woke up one day tired of myself. I was tired of being this magnet of trauma. (Ok tears officially have fallen.) I was tired of people building themselves up by breaking me down. I had an accountability moment and realized that people only do what I allow. He didn’t force me to bend over backwards and lay down silly. I did. I made that choice. If I would’ve protested, he would’ve moved on to the next easy girl. I choose to squeeze myself in the role of being someone’s placeholder. Simply in the mirror “I don’t want to be her anymore”. And I decided not to be.
I was lost for a few more months, honestly. I was basically going cold turkey and not blowing that man’s phone up (or banging his mommas door down) which itself was an accomplishment for me. One day, I made a Pinterest board titled (Government Name, 2.0). I needed that affirmation on my favorite pastime app. With that, I was able to develop a visual of what I wanted out of life. I wanted to be the girl who I see on a yacht drinking wine. I want to be the girl with the bomb hair and makeup. I wanted to be the woman in the wedding dress, something I’ve never witnessed within my family. I wanted to be the best version of myself in my most beautiful, educated, mature manner.
This is what I call my “molding moment” because though that raggedy piece of shit was the straw that broke the camels back, there was many other aspects in my life I needed to upgrade from. My career, my family, literally everything. I had a tough choice to make and I cut everyone off. Friends, Momma, father and their kinfolks. I realized that I was going to encounter a lot more problems leveling up around people who are not only comfortable in their lack of leveling up, but they’re insulted by witnessing others do so as well. I decided that I’m going to make the decision to have a clean complete slate. I had to be honest with myself and realize my family groomed me to become the perfect bait for bullshit. Mainly the women in my family who assert their seniority as authority. This bumped my level up because it increased my confidence.
I tapped into my spiritual journey as well. Im not super spiritual nor religious, however I acknowledge that can benefit from seeking guidance from another realm. Maybe it’s my higher self mentally, maybe it’s an ancestor protecting me, but I needed to ground myself and strengthen my intuition. Strengthen my relationship with whoever has been protecting me and molding me when my family was too wrapped up in enjoying their lives to have a part in raising me. I started off with candle magic, just lighting a white candle and venting over it until I can’t no more. I needed inner peace and spirituality is how I began to find some.
Whew, I really appreciate this ask. I am grateful even anonymous you felt comfortable trusting me with this question and especially a pep talk. Thank you because this allowed me to reflect on something I haven’t in awhile.
You’re just getting started. If nothing else, please remember that if you can’t relate to nobody else that you can relate to me. Im human. I’m not a feminine mannequin. I’m healing and growing just like many us. I disappoint myself. I let myself down. With that, I remember that mistakes allow me the opportunity for redemption. Redeem yourself, for yourself.
Now let me go before my phone gets water damage from these tears. I hope this helps abundantly 🕯🧿