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#solofreakk speaks
decaynow · 3 years
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anyone else often imagine themself being bludgeoned to death or shot or stabbed repeatedly randomly or when you’re lying in bed or is that just me and my suicidal intrusive thoughts that plague me at every waking moment?
just me? ok thought so
#like djdjdjsjds actually i know i told my therapist i fantasize about dying often#but i need to reiterate that#like oh my god its not evem just fantasizing#like ok yes sometimes it is fantasizing especially when its like. oh imagine everyone missing you imagine mattering at all#or like imagine how nice itll feel to finally be done with it all#but sometimes its not even fantasizing#its just like my brain keeps playing videos of me being violently beaten to death and its like#i lost the remote so i just gotta watch#and i feel neither here nor there im just watching it like. ok. can i fantasize about obey me now?#but every time i try to flip the channel it just goes back to me being killed#its really annoying at the least and like pitiful and depressing at the worst#like actually why do i imagine dying this much? actually thats a dumb question its bc im suicidal and depressed#i just feel weird admitting that like i have impostor syndrome. like for some reason#i keep trying to be like ‘no i shouldnt be this fucked up so im faking’ or something#and its like. oh yeah i forget its okay to accept im depressed and seek help#i dont have to keep feeling like im making a big deal out of nothing#bc im actually really struggling but now im just internalizing what people have said abt what im going thru#and so now i think im just being a stupid drama king about it all and that i should just keep shouldering all this#anyways! im trying to sleep now#solofreakk speaks#non aesthetic.#tw depression#tw suicidal ideation#tw suicidal thoughts#dnrb#vent
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Could you please please please! Do Papas/cardiac and ghouls reacting to S/O being nervous to do anything because their trans, or coming out to them? (FTM and MTF)
First post in a long time and it’s not even my work! This is something @solofreakk answered for us FOREVER ago that I never even go around to pressing the 8 buttons to post it. How absolutely lazy can I be. But please enjoy (-kat) 
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*cracks my knuckles* alright Oingos and Boingos and Those Who Are Neither i’m gonna do my best at this as a trans/nonbinary guy but i definitely don’t speak for everyone’s experiences, so… if you don’t like this i apologize. I want everyone to be supportive of you so if they sound repetitive I’m sorry! And I apologize in advance for not including MTF :( I just feel like trans women and men can have some similar experiences but in the end I don’t think it’s my place to write for them. If there are any trans women out there writing stuff for Ghost i would say Please Shamelessly Shout Yourselves Out In The Replies Ladies.
Papa I: He’s a bit too old for most activities that would reveal you being trans imo. A pride parade is too crazy for him, he doesn’t have the energy to go to the pool or something. If you did he’d just lay there in the sun with a ghoul waiting to open an umbrella when he’s about to start getting too crisp. So if you didn’t go swimming, or take your shirt off, it literally would not raise any questions. He’s not in the water. He might make an offhand comment about how you should enjoy yourself but you could very easily tell him you’d prefer to be sitting with him, and you melting his old man heart like that kills any other question he might’ve even had. If you do end up explaining it to him later, he kindly reminds you there’s nothing wrong with knowing who you are. Encourages you to feel comfortable around him, you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide who you are because of your past. No further questions asked. You can say what you’d like about yourself but he won’t press or get in your business.
Papa II: This man is totally comfortable with nudity. You being opposite is… weird. He’ll ask. Are you insecure? You can say it’s something like that. He’ll be able to tell that you’re kind of dodging the question and he’ll leave it alone. But you’ve piqued his curiosity now. He’s gonna watch you just a little bit closer than he did before. He’ll suggest you guys take a swim, or go to the beach, and when you shoot that down too, he’ll ask. “Is there a reason why?” You can try to make excuses, or be vague, or say a half-truth, but those mismatched eyes see right through you. He probably already knows. When you ask him if he does, he’ll just wrap you in a nice strong Papa II Rare Tender Hug™. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about, you know. It’s okay to decide you’re not what everyone said you were. It’s part of becoming your own person.” Would probably be more bold in asking what your future plans are for yourself. Later on quietly reminds you not to bind for too long, or helps you with shots, or is making sure you’re laid up in luxury if you get top surgery. Supports you even if you’re gnc and don’t bind or don’t plan to transition and would impart his death glare upon anyone who dared to misgender you or treat you poorly.
Papa III: Hope no one shoots me down for saying “Papa III trans man” but *eyes emoji*. He’s gonna recognize your behavior immediately. You sweat at the idea of going to the pool or the beach, you don’t wanna change in front of him, you get nervous if someone calls you pretty instead of handsome. He’ll see you very very discreetly tugging at your binder, or taking deep breaths. And he just knows. And he’s elated. He’s like “OH I AM GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL SO HANDSOME.” Immediately deploys plan “Compliment Anon ‘Til He Dies”. He’s telling you that your hair looks great today, your laugh is so masculine, I love the way your arms look, That shirt is so handsome on you, I’m lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life. Anything it takes to have you know how great you are. If you’re busy melting over the compliments, you might not immediately realize he’s caught on. You’ll probably think he’s just doing his regular Papa III schmoozing. Eventually, it clicks in your head. He’s lauding on you ‘cause he knows. So because he seems so cool with it, you finally work up the nerve to tell him. And he smiles at you and he’s taking his shirt off and whoa whoa WHOA HEY IT’S WORK HOURS MAN- oh. Oh. I see. That’s why. He buttons his shirt back up and pats you on the head and asks if you wanna get top surgery too, and if you say yes he’s literally writing you a check on the spot. He wants you to feel as comfortable in your body as he does in his and if you have any dysphoria woes he is all ears. He’s seriously like ride or die for you bro.
Cardinal Copia/Papa IV: He thinks your nervous behavior is totally normal, only because he is also nervous all the time. So he doesn’t even read into it. He’s totally clueless. You don’t wanna go swimming? Okay, yeah, actually he doesn’t really want to do it either. He’s pale, he’d just get burnt. Let’s stay inside all day in our pajamas. You don’t wanna put your pajamas on in front of him? That is also ok, hell let’s change in different rooms. You don’t even have to explain yourself, he just Gets It™. Eventually if you start wondering why he hasn’t asked about your odd behavior, you’ll just ask him. “Did you notice that I’m kinda… weird, about some stuff?” He’ll say he’s weird about stuff too, why should he pry into your personal business? So you press on and tell him you’re trans. You don’t want anyone else to know, for a myriad of reasons. You might start rambling about it, complaining about stuff, talking about what you want. And he’ll just… listen. Nod sometimes to let you know he’s hearing you, and you can keep going if you want. Finally you’ll end it with an exasperated and maybe slightly embarrassed sigh, but before you can apologize he’s pulling you into a hug. You are free to talk about it as much as you want, especially if you don’t tell anyone else. You’ve got all this stuff weighing on your mind and no one to vent it to, and he’s flattered you finally felt comfortable enough to let him know something so personal. 
Dewdrop: Dare I say it… I headcanon Dewdrop as trans too… He’s much more like me though, feisty and kinda gnc. Like III, he’s gonna catch onto your behavior immediately. He’s not gonna make any moves to let you know that he knows, though. Just quietly be in your corner. Well, as quiet as Dew gets. He’s gonna… violently be in your corner. If he finds out someone misgendered you or committed some related act he considers a heinous crime, they’re losing some teeth. He’ll take a chunk out of them if someone isn’t there to rein him in. Eventually when you confide in him that you’re trans, he’s telling you that’s cool. You ask him why he’s so chill about it and he’s just smirking at you. “What…?” You ask. “Seriously, what? Why- ooohhh…” You’re free to not bind around him because most of the time, he doesn’t. He’s not gonna judge you for anything. Whether you wanna be traditionally masculine or be lax about gender norms, he’s gonna tell you you’re cool as Hell no matter what. Admires your courage in coming out to him and will take your secret to the grave.
Aether: First may I start this off by saying I may or may not have asked Aether, like irl, if he said “trans rights”. To which Aether kindly and genuinely said, “Does [Aether] say “trans rights”? Of course trans rights!” So there you have it Fosters and Peoples. Mr. Quintessential Ghoul himself did indeed say trans rights and I’ve never been happier to have asked someone that. I digress… He’s not gonna focus too much on odd behavior or nerves. It’s not because he’s got his head in the clouds, it’s just because this is a Judgement Free Zone™. If and/or when you come out to him, expect him to say, “Hell yeah, you do what’s right for you!” He’s got your back. If you want help with something, say an outfit or you need a new binder, he’s gonna help you figure it out. If you ask him not to tell anyone else, his lips are sealed. 
Mountain: He is so used to being taller than everyone else so if you’re a short king (like me 5’3 man gang rise up [but not too high]) that does not make him ask any questions. He’s also out of your business when it comes to how you dress, or messing with your shirt, or not wanting to do certain activities, etc. He just… it’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s that he’s chill about everything. So chill in fact that eventually one day you just casually mention it. And he’s like, “Neat, you have lore.” Which is hilarious. He’s probably likely to ask if you’re making sure not to wear your binder for too long. He wants you to take good care of yourself, y’know, you’re really cool and you should treat your body kindly. He’ll ask if anyone else knows and if you tell him you’d rather they not find out immediately, he’s already giving you a thumbs up and making sure any question directed at your gender is immediately shot down.
Swiss: Swiss is too focused on having a good time and being good to everyone who deserves kindness to worry about why or why not you don’t want to go to the pool with them. You’ve got your reasons and that’s enough, although he’ll sorely miss you because he could use the extra help in fending Dew off in the water gun fight that most definitely will end in bloodshed if Aether doesn’t step in. Eventually he’ll convince you to maybe go, but not before you cave and tell him you can’t be seen with your shirt off. He’s smart enough to know what that means. No worries! And you know what? In solidarity he just won’t take his off, either. Will support you regardless of how you choose to present yourself and will sometimes casually gift you a new shirt or something, “because I think you’d look really handsome in it.”
Rain: Tender boy. He literally would not pry or push you to tell him anything you didn’t seem like you wanted to say. If you come out to him, that’s completely on your terms. I think he might eventually have a feeling, but he’s not going to make assumptions about you and will let you tell him when you’re ready, and even if you never do, that’s ok too. When you do tell him, he’s completely supportive and won’t make you feel any less of a man about yourself. Is a bit sad to know that you may struggle with dysphoria and he wants you to know that you’re a wonderful person, inside and out, even if you don’t always see it.
Cirrus: She notices your odd behavior, but she’s polite and chooses not to say anything about it. She doesn’t want to make you feel like she’s judging you or scare you or make you uncomfortable. She probably doesn’t flat out make assumptions about you, but she does think about it occasionally. Eventually when you come out to her, she completely understands. Sings her praises about how nice it is that you trust her enough to tell her something so personal about yourself, and says she’s thankful to have such a great person in her life. Also she’s always been your protective mom friend, but if you need anyone to get punched for saying anything transphobic, just let her know. Mama bear has got you. Mama bear has got claws. Hell, Cumulus will even help beat someone up. She doesn’t even need to know the reason. If Cirrus is verbally or physically abusing someone that’s good enough reason for her. You now have two powerful and protective mom friends, use this power for good.
Cumulus: She’s not gonna notice if you’re acting nervous or weird about anything. She’s focused on hanging out with you and having a good time and making sure you’re having a good time and that fun things are happening. If you go to the beach and don’t take your shirt off, not weird. Neither of you are even in the water, you’re probably making an impressive sand castle on top of a sleeping Mountain. If you’re at the pool, she’s okay with sitting on the side talking your ear off about anything under the sun (which currently includes all the other ghouls as it was a family trip to the pool). She wouldn’t notice if you tugged at your binder or had a higher voice or anything someone might think would be conspicuous. If and/or when you eventually come out to her, she’s like “Ooohhh, okay!” And honestly? She might forget. And then remember. And then forget again, and remember again. It’s just another thing about you, like your hair colour or what music you like. Doesn’t make you any less wonderful to her, and wouldn’t change anything about your relationship.
- @solofreakk
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ghxstpxsting · 4 years
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Tagged by: @papa-1-rights-activist @koscheimylittlechild and @datfreakshow thank you so much!! I really appreciate it 💙☺️
Hi! Once you get this you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly, then send this to some of your favorite followers. SPREAD POSITIVITY 💌😘
I can play different instruments and pick them up very quickly! I can also learn by ear.
I learn very quickly and can remember huge amounts of information about things I like (biology for instance!).
I am patient, caring and kind- I try to be the best friend that I can be and look after my friends and family if they need me.
I pick up languages easily and try to learn at least a small amount of different ones so I can communicate with a variety of people, even if it is just conversational ♥️ (though I’m back to learning Greek properly again, if anybody wants to chat! I also speak Spanish!)
Everybody seems to like my hair- I’m not sure why lol, it’s just normal hair (like, skin fade, long on top) but I got a lot of compliments on it, so I guess I like it!
I tag: @solofreakk @chaotichumanoid @voldythestrange @im0mega @noxghoul @roxas-zen-frost @takemetoasgard (if you want to!)
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decaynow · 3 years
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yes i watched sengoku night blood yes i enjoyed it shamelessly
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decaynow · 4 years
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everyone at the mexico show when Nihil died:
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decaynow · 3 years
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for once could one of the sugar daddy bots on tumblr not be a bot and be a dude i could legitimately receive real spendable money from
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decaynow · 4 years
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you know those posts that are like “if you play x song at 11:59:06 on new years eve you’ll hear x lyric when the clock strikes 12?”
Can someone calculate that for me for Year Zero? Where when the clock turns twelve the first “Hell Satan, welcome year zero” hits? I have no idea how people figure those posts out and I’m not about to fucking do math
Thanks in advance
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decaynow · 3 years
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some of the among us emojis i’ve made for our personal discord. i have a few more i may upload if people want to use them! these aren’t all of them because some are inside jokes from our games, these are all pretty universal.
if you like these and use them please consider tossing a few dollars in my paypal.me or checking out/boosting my commissions! my username is solofreakk on toyhou.se and instagram and commission inquiries can be directed there or to [email protected]
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decaynow · 4 years
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I should have my art programs taken away.
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decaynow · 4 years
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@doublemastectomy thanks for the inspiration on this fine ween hand wednesday
if anyone wants the codes i can go to the shop and make them lmao
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decaynow · 4 years
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oh also seeing as i can pin posts lemme uhhh put my commission stuff up
half sketch: $10
full sketch: $15
half lined: $20
full lined: $25
icon: $20
half body: $25
full body: $35
+ simple background: $5
emoji: $20
chibi: $20
i’m cool with humans, furries, fanart, oc’s, self-shipping, and nsfw (pinup) as well as candy gore and light gore. i can’t confidently draw super mech designs and i won’t draw hateful content (racism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, etc) i love fashion design and love characters with unique and detailed outfits or designs. I especially love scene, emo, punk, goth, and other alt fashions.
please feel free to DM me or e-mail me at [email protected]
you can also catch me through my instagram which is also solofreakk.
i have a public commissions queue with my info on trello as well.
And yes the prices on the pic don’t match the ones in the bio i’m sorry I changed them bc I really need the money rn 😭
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decaynow · 3 years
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perhaps i made another quiz
here go find out which of my favourite drinks you are
if you take it u should like, reblog it and tag what you got haha
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decaynow · 3 years
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what if i told you i already miss october
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decaynow · 3 years
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listening to no doubt on repeat and definitely ignoring election results because i do Not want to know that
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decaynow · 3 years
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my jack-o-lantern is pretty sick ngl
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decaynow · 4 years
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SOLO VIC TONIGHT LETS GOOO
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