#some of these handle some heavy themes without a doubt

[searidings]

books BOOKS B O O K S :D can i have more book recs please????????????

but of course!!

my year of rest and relaxation by ottessa moshfegh: darkly funny contemporary lit, Woman Decides To Cure Her Problems By Sleeping For One Year

burnt sugar by avni doshi: contemporary lit in delicious sugary prose, a wry look at the complications of mothers and daughters

animal by lisa taddeo: oh so you said "i think women should get to go batshit as a treat"????? time to put your money where your mouth is. if you like messy women, this is for you. lisa taddeo encapsulates real honest unvarnished womanhood more accurately than anyone else i've read

the jasmine throne by tasha suri: priory vibes, wlw enemies-to-lovers fantasy with unparalleled worldbuilding oh god i can't wait for the sequel

middlesex by jeffrey eugenides: generational family history, immigrant realities, explorations of intersex experience, detroit in the 50s? what's not to like. i believe this was a kmcg book rec and imo she was right. also the virgin suicides by the same author

the water dancer by ta-nehisi coates: historical fiction slash fantasy, immersive and moving and sickeningly well written

the galaxy and the ground within by becky chambers: please. i can't rec this woman enough. if you like sci fi and you like great rep and you like falling in love with humanity all over again each time you turn the page then just, please. read everything becky chambers has ever written

#since no genre was specified i tried to do a selection #of different types in the hopes that you would find something you like #side note PLEASE check content warnings/read summaries if there are topics you're sensitive to! #some of these handle some heavy themes without a doubt #so please check before you choose #i am also always open to recs if anyone knows books of similar vibes to these!! love me some new material #and believe it or not they don't have to be 100% gay! though of course that is a bonus #i just love a Good Book you feel me #hope you're having a great day #and happy reading! #asks #anonymous #book recs

[eilwen]

And they say romance is dead.

Joking aside, Vol. 8 further solidifies my appreciation for Meryl.

Hopefully I can put my long-winded thoughts into concise words when it comes to writing women/female characters and why I loved Meryl in the manga even when she's absent for a chunk it from Vol. 7 onward.

Good 'women/female writing', to me, is not just having more lines, more screen presence or more visibility because you can easily write a character that ticks all of those boxes and still be a shell, still be poorly written, still be misused and still fall into numerous stereotypes. Though we are seeing more female characters onscreen/on paper these days, there are still traps of 'women written by men usually for men or what they think a woman wants' with some variations (and of course some women can also find difficulty in writing women). Then there are times when women characters who are so incredible or powerful, they come off as unbelievable, as if writing a woman character is sometimes treated similarly to handling glass. Some writers are afraid to write women well, believing that it’s 'safer' to have the character be amazing and flawless than forgotten or absent (which can be problematic in a different way).

I love manga-Meryl because I know Meryl's arc, faults, growth, struggles etc.... Nightow really puts her through the ringer. We don't see her much in the later volumes once things get heavy since she's not the series' protagonist, but we learn that she has a full journey post-Colnago. Eventually she, as a person who is not super-powered in the way other characters are, assists Vash in the best way she can.

Vash is a plant, the Humanoid Typhoon, all these other labels, but he calls himself a simple gunman. So, when Meryl is the one to make sure that he has a gun despite everything she had experienced... ah, I had a lot of feelings.

Vol. 8, Ch. 3. ... God damn.

One of the best things Nightow did in Trimax was to write Meryl with doubt and fear and break her away from Vash in Vol. 6, because having a woman follow and care for a man blindly is frankly boring and adds little depth to a friendship or a relationship.

(This praise also extends to how Nightow writes Luida - but those are thoughts for some other time.)

I am also considering Meryl as one representation for humanity in Trigun Maximum's narrative. She is the ordinary person who has been unwillingly forced to witness devastation, destruction, loss etc. and is expected to continue after that. That is a difficult thing to overcome... and then to grapple with the idea of assisting that same force... I imagine that this is a very difficult responsibility. There are war films (good and bad films, from a range of nations) that touch on this theme of responsibility.

I'd like to think that real courage is understanding and overcoming a fear instead of having none.

And then in Vol. 8, Meryl does a small act. She asks someone else to help - something that Marlon later tells Vash to do (let his friends help him, I mean). Without grandeur. Kind of anti-epic. However, this small act is extraordinarily powerful because without that gun, Vash is unable to proceed.

We sometimes view power in such a black and white way when power can be asking someone else for help, trusting someone else, and not have it be about you.

Vol. 8, Ch. 5. A Marlon panel is always a good panel.

I love how Nightow illustrates this. In these panels, Vash is hearing Marlon talk about a 'guest'. Marlon never mentions Meryl's name. We know it's Meryl because we know what the back of Meryl's head looks like (and her legs, haha) but Vash is not seeing what we are seeing.

And yet, Vash knows.

#trigun maximum #trimax vol 8 #trigunbookclub #meryl stryfe #idle thoughts #typed this too quickly so might edit later

[xxsycamore]

𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅𝐈𝐒𝐇

↬ ❌ You get trapped in the pantry with Napoleon.

Napoleon Bonaparte x gn!Reader • rating: M (MDNI) • tags: Suggestive Themes; Implied Sexual Content; Trapped; Making Out; Cooking; Unresolved Sexual Tension; Blueballing Napo • wordcount: 1,161 • masterlist

a/n: oh my god @princess-pray-a how did you know I needed exactly that to get back in shape after not being around for awhile? 😭❤ Thank you for giving me a word count too, it's soooo helpful actually!! I did end up writing a bit more than that, and it went in a whole another direction, but it was so fun!🥺 I hope it's alright if this became a little bit more suggestive than planned! Hope you enjoy, darlin'!! Missed u too! 🥺

"Oh, it smells soooo good in here!" You exclaim, welcomed by the yummy aroma of Napoleon's cooking upon entering the mansion's kitchen.

"Nunuche, you're finally here." Napoleon greets you with a wink, not missing a beat as he chops carrots and checks up on the stove simultaneously. He's handsome. He's way too handsome for your poor little nunuche heart.

"You're staring."

"Oh! I'm sorry. So, what do I do?" Having finished rolling up your sleeves and washing your hands, you trot up to Napoleon's side, dipping your pinky into the sauce bowl he just settled on the counter. Bringing it to your lips for a taste test he didn't ask for, you immediately nod. "It's good!"

Napoleon chuckles, placing the cutting board in front of you as he wipes himself off in the towel secured on his belt, something he always carries around when he gets serious in the kitchen. "Finish up with those for me, please? I'll go search for something in the pantry for a second."

"Okay!" You readily take the knife from his hand, noticing how Napoleon's warmth lingers on the handle. Holding your breath for a second, you will your heart to calm down so your fingers aren't shaky while performing the task.

Only when Napoleon's out of sight do you release your breath, left to your thoughts that are still revolving around the man. With all that hard work yet to be done, you doubt you'll get a moment for yourselves. True, Sebastian is nowhere to be seen right now, having gone into town to run some last-minute errands, but it's not like you can fool around with your lover. Especially not when you have twenty-five guests to feed...

The Napoleon who is sweet-talking in your head is suddenly muted as the voice of the very real Napoleon comes to your ears. He appears to be asking you to come to the pantry...?

"-But turn off the stove first!"

You set the knife down, doing as Napoleon said before striding up to where he is.

Opening the pantry's door, you spot Napoleon holding off the weight of a heavy box that seemingly has begun to fall from one of the highest shelves. Some smaller containers stacked on top of it start sliding down, likely filled with more of the fragile cutlery that is stored up there, and you have to react fast.

Letting go of the door that swings closed behind you, you barely pay attention to Napoleon's sudden protests as you move fast to join his side and reach up to help him out. Once everything is secured without accidents, you realize that Napoleon is crossing the small room in the direction of the door in desperate hopes of... opening it?

"Nunuche you shouldn't have let go of the door... I asked you to come because the handle fell off from this side!"

"I-What?! Oh no..."

The room is relatively small but well-lit, filled with all things necessary for the needs of a huge mansion's kitchen. With a bit more luck, something of help could be found so you can get out of there.

"This-This wasn't my idea of having a chance to spend some alone time with you...!"

Only when the words leave your mouth do you realize you spoke them, resuming the search in hopes Napoleon didn't hear you.

"Oh? Is that so?"

Napoleon casts a shadow over the shelve you examine as he towers over your crouching form. You rise to your feet, only to be guided by him to take a seat at the nearby ladder's third step.

"You seem a little hot. Why don't you rest here while I give it another go? I hope I won't have to end up busting the door, but..."

"Napoleon."

He lets a low hum as he looks down at you in question. You make a come-hither motion at him, and he places his hand on one of the higher steps, using it as leverage.

His breath tickles you, your chest heaving with a sharp inhale. Yet you still hold his gaze sternly.

"Are you sure you didn't lead me inside so we could end up stuck here alone?"

His clear turquoise eyes are piercing as if they say "so what if I did?"; yet the illusion lasts a mere second before laughter fills the small space between your bodies.

"And leave my work outside undone? You know me better than that, Nunuche, these people depend on us to throw a good party. I wouldn't let my desires get in the way."

His desires?

"So you want this as much as I do!"

"Want what?"

Face on fire, you produce an annoyed sound and quickly curse yourself for it. Napoleon is still a breather away. You give up and pull him by the shirt, catching his lips in a passionate kiss.

The small space fills with heavy breaths and the sounds of you seeking after each other's mouths, demandingly, fiercely, as if it has been ages since you last captured the other's lips. The rest of the world suddenly gets forgotten beyond the frame of the door that refuses to let the moment go away, much like the two of you - and you suddenly feel thankful.

Letting go for a long-needed breath, limbs spread on the ladder's steps, you hold Napoleon's cheek as if to prevent him from diving in for another kiss - just for a moment.

"So what if- the desire is mine- ? Would you let it get in your way of taking care of anyone but me, just for a little bit?"

Napoleon watches you mesmerized, playing with the button of your shirt. The familiar boyish smirk blooms on his lips, but there's something almost soft to it, for reasons unknown to you.

"Since when did my Nunuche get so selfish?"

Like an uncorked champagne bottle, Napoleon rains needy kisses on your neck, suddenly becoming the more desperate one between you, or at least that's how it seems. You let him feast on you one little bite at a time, your hands moving up and down his back, letting him take his time deciding on a spot to sink his fangs into.

It still feels unfair, seeing as how easily he's got you wrapped around his finger as soon as his bullying broke you and you confessed your shameful thoughts. Too bad that surrender feels good to you.

You can hear steps in the distance, and suddenly the muffled voice of Sebastian calling out 'Monsieur Napoleon' comes from the kitchen.

Napoleon shifts quickly, looming over you as he tries to communicate with you with his gaze alone. He knows what you must do, but the inner fight is written on his face; brows knit in the middle and cheeks still rosy from the heated ordeal.

He looks almost offended, fangs poking past his agape lips, glistening with bloodlust.

You have a devious smile on your face.

"Sebastian, help! We're in here!"

Taglist: @arsnovacadenza @ale-teodora @kimi00twin @otomelady @privilegedpancake @g-kleran    @pumpumnnnp @thesirenwashere @ravenarld @kimmy-banana @devonares @galaxyprison @sadshaxk @starshards26 @thewitchofbooks @acethephoenix256 @ikevamp-shrine-2 @nad-zeta @crystal13unny @keen19thcenturygoatsstudent @lordsister @ikemen-banshou   @themysticalbeing @otome-scribbles @rhodolitesrose @coornn @kpop-and-otome @queen-dahlia @kisara-16 @chaosangel767 @ikemenlibrary @queengiuliettafirstlady @aurora-morning @aquagirl1978 ​ @ikemenlover24 @mcofthemansion @joy-the-reader @katriniac @ikemen-writer @tele86 @lovely-bubb1es @aria-chikage @babyblue0t7 @rhodoliteschaos @shrimpy-kitsune @my-day6 Let me know if you want to be tagged/untagged!

#ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikemen vampire napoleon #ikevamp napoleon #ikevamp fanfic #ikemen fanfic #ikemen napoleon #ikemen #otome

[captainofthetidesbreath]

There's something incredible and skillful on Travis' part about how little Nathaniel actually directly says about suspicions of institutional weaknesses in Candela and how in the conversation in the carriage, he doesn't really directly lodge any serious accusations against Candela—the others all do, and Marion even encourages Nathaniel to be less hesitant and hedging in his verbiage. Travis as Nathaniel bolded and italicized, just for highlighting:

BRENNAN: They told the kid she was dead? TRAVIS: Yes. BRENNAN: How sick do you got to be where you go, "Hey, we got to break it to the kid soft. Just tell them she's dead." LUIS: Right? I guess there's things worse than dead. I guess. Well, clearly we know there's things that are worse than dying, but. TRAVIS: I know there's an amount of trust we all have with this organization. We see what we're fighting against. We know what sort of evil there is in the world, not just the kind that we make. But-- LUIS: But they withhold a lot. TRAVIS: It feels that way. LUIS: It is that way. Would you have risked everything we did for what they explained was in that container? A creature that's used to get people high? That's all there is to that. ZEHRA: There-- Marion, if I may, there may be-- It's deeply disappointing to understand that money seems to move a lot of these organizations through the world. There may have been monetary gain that Candela was trying to prevent by stopping the androphage transfer. There are certain groups that would pay a great sum for it. All I'm saying is maybe Candela isn't immune to some of these capital gains. MARISHA: Well, look. Any institution, even an institution that stands up against institutions, well, I mean they're not immune from their own organizational flaws. However, I would still like to believe that out of all of the other capitalistic and governmental factions that rule our day-to-day lives that hopefully we're choosing the one lesser evil. TRAVIS: Ms. Monroe. Beatrix. You've been with the organization longer than any, and I've looped my men into this with a certain amount of trust. Have you ever seen anyone marked by bleed changed? Have you ever seen them made whole, amended? MARISHA: I tend to find sometimes the best route is to just keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. Oftentimes you'll learn far more than what people can tell you. We've all been touched by bleed, whether we want to accept that or not. No, I guess, to answer your question, not to, what it sounds, the severity of Allison's level was. But I would still like to believe that that's why we're fighting. You certainly had no problems standing up and calling out the organization to Mr. Kingsley. Which is a little bit surprising, I got to say, Nathaniel, for someone who's quite the institutional man himself. TRAVIS: Force of habit, I'm afraid. ZEHRA: Well, speaking of Mr. Kingsley, what did he mean when he said it was someone above his head who made the decision to tell Lucas, was it, the boy? TRAVIS: Lucas. ZEHRA: That his mother was dead? Someone above a Lightkeeper's head. LUIS: Everybody answers to somebody else. BRENNAN: I don't know if that's true. I guess there's got to be a few people don't answer to anybody.

Generally, the way Travis handles Nathaniel's exposition in the carriage is blisteringly efficient on an informational and emotional level without ever feeling heavy-handed, but I think this sowing seeds of doubt in an institution (which seems to be a major theme in this chapter) is very skillful in its subtlety. Given that he's emotionally close to this incident and is a character conceptualized around corruptions and abuses of power, Nathaniel is unexpectedly spare in this sequence of exchanges, most significantly only delivering a set-up and pulling Beatrix in. He interestingly takes more of a listening role in this sequence, despite the fact that he is delivering almost all information and doing most of the thematic set-up.

His accusations are few and the ones he makes are mild and hesitant. The most he directly says is an interrupted "but" that leaves a hanging implication. But that tiny crack drives everyone else to start speculating about the whys and hows and whats of what is going on, and it feels very natural and is very skillful. Nathaniel clearly has his doubts and his experiences and doubts are the center of this conversation, but by holding off on actually voicing them directly, it gives everyone else space to guess at where he's going and leaves it open for others to contribute.

It's really skillful work as a player and a scene partner, especially as someone who is setting up the episode's plot and seeding what feels like may be one of the major themes of this chapter about institutional distrust and power and capital.

#Candela Obscura #Candela things #Candela spoilers #long post for ts #Circle of Needle and Thread

[ikaroux]

Learn to love yourself

Synopsis: There are things about you that you can hate. Curves that are too pronounced. A face that is too round. A more self-effacing character. And you sometimes wonder, "Why did he choose me?"

Style: F!reader, Cute, sweet, loving, reassuring, established relationship.

Alert: Some NSFW for some characters, but nothing explicit.

Characters: Diluc, Zhongli, Kaeya, Xiao.

Note: I put the Florent Pagny song in my head with this title...

It's short, but it's just what you need to relax ❤️.

I only did Diluc, Zhongli, Kaeya and Xiao but let me know if you want me to do other characters in the "learning to love each other" theme (Venti, Albedo, Kazuha, Tartaglia, Dainsleif, scraramouche, Ayato, Itto, etc...)

I am currently writing the sequel to "how are they with their pregnant companion?" Featuring: Al Haitham, Dottore, Pantalone, Ayato, Itto, Heizou and Cyno. I already finished the first two!

Masterlist

"That's not right either…"

With a dejected look, you threw the garment you were holding onto the floor, among so many others you had tried on before. A heavy sigh escaped you as you looked sadly at your scantily clad reflection in the stand-up mirror that your sweet Diluc had bought for you. You thought you were ugly and fat… How could Diluc love you or even want you with such an unattractive body?

Your hands went to your hips, feeling the flesh there… You had always had "love handles," making your figure unattractive to you. But that wasn't all. Your eyes fell on your thighs, which you found too thick and not sensual enough.

Tears stung your eyes as your thoughts turned to all those beautiful women who were circling your lover. They were all so beautiful, so why had Diluc chosen you? The image of Jean came to mind. She was such a beautiful, attractive woman, and with her intelligence, she and Diluc would have been the most beautiful couple in all of Mondstadt.

Plunged in your thoughts, you hadn't noticed that the man you loved had returned to your common room, a worried expression on his face.

"Y/n? Is something wrong? I was expecting you for breakfast, but…" - His surprised eyes landed on the pile of clothes thrown carelessly on the floor. He analyzed the scene carefully before casting his gaze on you. His head lowered, your arms came to cover your chest, which was dressed in a simple bra. Diluc cautiously approached you, removing the gloves that covered his hands before placing them delicately on your hips.

"What's wrong, honey?" - He whispered. You could feel his breath on your shoulder as he gently kissed your skin. Your eyes sought his through the mirror and when they met, his arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to him as his chin rested comfortably in the hollow of your shoulder.

"Diluc… What do you like about me? Because frankly… Look at me, I look like a slime- Diluc couldn't help but smile at the comparison and he had to hide it as he tenderly kissed your neck.

"You are beautiful. Whatever you may think of yourself, in my eyes, you are the most magnificent woman I have ever seen." - Slightly relaxed by his words, your muscles relaxed against him and your hands abandoned your chest to rest on his.

"But… There are so many beautiful women around you… Next to her, I am…"

"Don't compare yourself to others. You are unique and I love your body. You have beautiful curves and I can never stop touching them." - His hands gently caressed your hips in demonstration. - "I know it's complicated to love yourself… But believe me, in my eyes, there is only you." - Diluc's tender and sincere words managed to wring a shy smile from you as your cheeks took on the same hue as his hair. - "And you are without a doubt the cutest slime in all of Teyvat." - Your smile faded instantly at your lover's unexpected joke. In revenge, you slapped him on the thigh which he couldn't dodge, making him chuckle softly in return.

"You're mean Diluc." - You say with a sulky look. With a smile, he tore you from your contemplation in the mirror to finally kiss your lips.

"Forgive me. But I'd rather see you smile than have that expression disgusted by your own reflection. We each have the body that life has given us my love, and yours is perfect as it is, I don't want you to change." - His warm hands languidly caressed your belly before settling back on your hips, which he clutched languidly. His once teasing gaze was now full of lust. - "I think breakfast can wait a little longer…" - He whispered softly in your ear and nibbled gently before lifting you gently in his arms to lay you on the bed.

Diluc proved the sincerity of his words with his gestures. His hands and lips worshiping every part of your body. Tenderness and love were evident in ƒevery deliberately slow movement he made to express his affection for you. He vowed to remind you every night, every morning, in words or physically, that you were a shining goddess in his eyes…

Sitting in front of your dressing table, you were staring blankly at your face, lipstick in hand. You had bought a whole assortment of makeup, hoping to look like all those women who wore makeup so well and showed off a perfect face. You wanted to please your lover, to make him proud, he was such a handsome and elegant man, attracting all eyes on him. Next to him, you felt like the ugly duckling… No matter how hard you tried, it didn't work and you felt even uglier than usual…

Zhongli was coming back from work when he saw your delicate body in front of the mirror of your dressing table. He noticed the indecent amount of makeup product scattered in front of you. Then as he looked up at your reflection, he noticed the makeup you had started to put on yourself. He quickly understood from the expression on your face that something was wrong and when you looked up at him through the mirror, you immediately started to move to get away from him. Alerted, Zhongli rushed towards you, gently grabbing your wrist before turning to face him.

"Please don't look at me… I'm ugly…" - Zhongli frowned sadly at the harshness of your words. How could you think for a moment that you were ugly? His amber eyes turned back to the pile of cosmetics before returning to you. He noticed the lipstick in your hand and decided to carefully remove it from you and place it back on the wooden surface of the dressing table.

"Sit down my dear, let me show you something." - The softness in his voice made you obey him obediently. Zhongli curved towards you, taking your chin between his fingers to gently rock your head from right to left, carefully observing your features. Then he took a wipe in his free hand and began to gently clean your skin. You closed your eyes, your lips trembling, as you let your lover remove the makeup from your face. You felt like crying, disappointed in yourself, unable to make yourself beautiful for him. His fingers eventually replaced the wet fabric of the makeup remover, running thinly along your features - "Honey, open your eyes." - Slowly, your tear-red eyes opened to let you see Zhongli's smiling face. - "Look…" - He said as he gently turned your face towards the mirror, letting you see your reflection purged of all traces of makeup. - "You are beautiful. You don't need all these pretenses to be." - His hand caressed your jaw, gently going to tangle in your hair. He slowly began to comb it back into your hair, a tender smile on his lips as he pulled your hair up into a bun.

"Zhongli…" - Your eyes blurred, your tears threatening to fall.

"I'm sorry Y/n." - Your eyes widened, searching his gaze for an explanation for his forgiveness.

"Zhongli, why do you…"

"I'm probably the one making you feel so bad. I'm sorry. Maybe I said something hurtful or maybe I'm not expressing my love for you enough…" - Zhongli's calm eyes remained focused on your hair, which was gradually taking the form of a beautiful bun. - "Your beauty is natural my love." - He said as he placed a golden comb in your now perfectly coiffed hair. - "You have always dazzled me. Your eyes, your lips, your lashes. Everything is perfect. Nature has already given you all the beauty it could possibly give, and I feel honored to have been chosen as a mate by such a wonderful woman as you." - Unable to hold them back any longer, you let your tears run down your cheeks.

"Zhongli… you know I-" - Long arms wrapped around your shoulders, while your love's cheek rested against your ear.

"If only you could see yourself as I see you…" - You grabbed his sleeves, squeezing them like a vice between your fingers. You sought to lodge your face in the crook of his neck, and he helped you by shifting the axis of his head. Zhongli was always a loving and sincere man, you trusted him completely, and thanks to him, you were able to love yourself a little more each day.

As a child, you had a serious accident that left a long, deep scar on your back. You didn't like to see it and even less to show it. How many times had you been rejected because of this scar? Kaeya was your boyfriend, you trusted him completely. He was a charming and romantic man. And above all, you loved him like never before… So, in your mind, the idea of talking to him or worse, showing him your scar, caused you a terrible fear. You were sure he would reject you, disgusted by the mark on your back. But of course, Kaeya was a curious and investigative man. He knew that you were hiding something from him. So he didn't mind entering the bathroom, knowing precisely that you were there to take a bath.

"Kaeya?! No! Please go away! Don't look at me!" - You had cowered in on yourself, tears welling up in your eyes as you were praying for him to come out quickly. But he didn't. His silence was soon replaced by the sound of his footsteps. When Kaeya saw it, that dark scar that ran from your shoulder to your pelvis, he couldn't help but put his fingers on it, running along your mark, his lips then taking over. You shuddered, fighting the urge to run away from him, lest you disgust him. Kaeya had always told you that he found you beautiful and perfect. Wasn't he going to change his mind after seeing the monstrosity on your back? Was he going to… reject you?

"Kaeya… I-I don't disgust you?"

"Why would you disgust me princess?" - He said against your skin, his lips continuing to taste you hungrily. "I-I… you always told me you thought I was perfect. I don't want to disappoint you… Please don't hate me." - Kaeya's hands tightened against your hips as he straightened up to whisper in your ear.

"You look beautiful." - One of his hands, surprisingly warm despite his cryo vision, ran along your back, following the line that your scar ran. - "You, that scar…" - He kissed your shoulder, moving gradually up your neck to your jaw. - "I love all these facets of you." - His arms wrapped around your shoulders as his head slumped against your neck. - "I would never hate you for that. You and I are the same. We both have wounds that are branded with a red-hot iron." - You looked at his face, focusing your gaze on where his eye patch was. - "I don't want you to be ashamed of yourself. You are irresistible. I love you and desire you with such force it's painful." - You felt your throat tighten as your tears began to roll down your cheeks.

"Prove it to me!" - You shout to him in a choked sob. Kaeya smiles against you, his hands becoming more exploratory.

"So be it. Let's put this bath to good use…" - He kissed the birth of your scar one last time before lifting you off the ground and showing you the proof of his love for you.

Since you were born, you had what people called: pearly eyes. One was hazel and the other was a bewitching emerald green. Unfortunately for you, many people around you criticized you for your difference, thinking that your eyes were strange, abnormal. The children were even crueler than the adults, harassing you and calling you a monster every chance they got… All these misadventures had left a deep scar on you. So you ended up wearing colored contact lenses (your choice), not being able to stand your light brown eyes anymore…

Xiao had been gone for several hours to do his homework for Liyue. You had taken the habit of waiting for him, sitting in your armchair, reading one of the books of your collection. Liyue's legends and tales were your favorite subjects to read, especially those that referred to your lovely yaksha. Absorbed in your reading, you didn't notice that you were starting to rub your eyes nervously, bothered by a sudden dryness. Feeling the pain gradually settle in, you finally abandoned your book to remove your contact lenses and look for the reason of your discomfort.

You hadn't noticed that Xiao had returned from his demon hunt much earlier. His astonished gaze was fixed on you, specifically your eyes. Then, he finally noticed the lenses in your hands.

"Y/n? I didn't know you wore contacts." - He said softly as he approached you. But he stopped all his movements when he saw your reaction. Fear, anxiety and panic could be seen on your face as you flinched as he approached you.

"Xiao! I wasn't expecting you so soon! W-Wait just a moment please…" - You hurriedly put your lenses back on, but your trembling hands prevented you from doing so. Xiao, aware of your distress, took your hands in his, caressing your palms with his thumbs. Your panic gradually faded as you cautiously raised your eyes to him.

"What are you afraid of Y/n?" - His soft voice soothed your heart.

"It's… my eyes. They're monstrous." - You say, a little ashamed to admit it to him.

"Monstrous?" - Xiao sighed before crouching down in front of you, your hands now wrapped in his. - "I guess if you think like that, it's because someone implanted that idea in your head. Mortals really are idiots. Your eyes are beautiful Y/n." - You could feel your cheeks blushing at his adamant tone. Xiao had always been honest and sincere with you, sometimes taking the risk of hurting you with his words.

"Usually the others me-" - The stern look he gave you immediately cut you off.

"I don't follow the others. So please don't compare me to these insignificant mortals." - A bright red settled on his cheeks as his voice grew softer and softer with each word he spoke. His fingers came to brush your cheek as his forehead rested against yours. - I love you Y/n. Don't hide your eyes anymore. I want to see you as you are, beautiful and full of life." Your legs trembled under your weight. Xiao could sometimes be so tender and reassuring that it made you feel like you were melting to the ground. In the face of your silence, Xiao wrapped his arms around your waist. His presence felt so good… His warm embrace helped you relax.

"The lenses… I wouldn't put them in again." - A loving smile lit up the adept's features.

"Good."

For a long time you remained in each other's arms, enjoying each other's presence…

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #diluc #zhongli #diluc ragnvindr #xiao #diluc x reader #genshin impact diluc #genshin diluc #genshin kaeya #genshin x reader #xiao x reader #kaeya x reader #zhongli x reader #kaeya #diluc fluff #zhongli fluff #genshin fluff #xiao fluff #kaeya fluff

[sstan-hoe]

𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑴𝒆 𝑭𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓

𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 — lloyd hansen x fem!reader

𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒏𝒂𝒓𝒚 — this piece is actually based on some real events, some happened in my life like the parents stuff and others are just lloyd comforting you

𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 — the reader has a mental illness which in this case could be a form of depression, anxiety or paranoia or more and both [I can't tell you which exactly because I was never at a doctor to confirm being mentally ill which is why I sometimes doubt it but then again the signs are there], then there are talks about parents fighting – they're not divorced

𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆 — primarily this fic is for myself but then again it's also for everyone who wishes that they had someone in their life to turn to, who just comforted them and not with words with actions. Too many times I've heard my friend give advice about my parents when all I needed was a listener and a big hug. follow @sstanhoe-updates to get notifications everytime I post!!!!, don't forget to like, comment and reblog!

The rain was bucketing down cloudy sky that bathed the city in a dark theme making it look dull and grey like it was lifeless, the few people who walked through only confirming it.

Tears streamed down your face matching the intense rain while your umbrella tried shielding you from getting damp. Your shoes were already soaked from stepping into the paddles.

You heard something fall down behind you causing you to rapidly turn around in fear. All you found was a dog who knocked over a trash can. Taking a deep breath, you continued walking. Only a few minutes an uneasy feeling sneaked up as a man with grey almost white hair and a garibaldi beard made eye contact with you.

He stood a few feet away from you, he was tall, and his clothes were drenched because of the heavy rain. The man glared at you and then began walking.

The uneasy feeling turned back into fear, you started walking faster rounding a corner. You squeaked in fear as you saw to other men standing there in an entry of a shop hiding from the rain. They looked at you confused, you muttered a ‘sorry’ before turning around once again to see the grey-haired man gone.

You shook your head at your own actions. Everytime you were out alone this would happen, you walked at a fast pace to avoid everyone and the moment you walked past someone your heartbeat would pick up.

Finally, you reached the apartment that you shared with Lloyd.

You sniffled as you searched for the key in your purse, right when you heard the jiggle of your keys the door opened.

There stood Lloyd who had a smile on his face which faded the moment he saw the tears streaming down your face. Without hesitation he pulled you into his arms, the umbrella fell to the floor as you wrapped your arms around his waist.

The tears only became more and didn’t seem to stop. Lloyd scooped you up in his arms, your arms snaked around his neck and legs around his waist.

He held you on your thighs and stepped back inside the apartment kicking the door close with his foot. Lloyd walked to bedroom, sitting you down he removed your shoes and other wet clothes.

After he took your clothes to the bathroom, he came back with one of his shirts.

Lloyd slipped the shirt over your head and kneeled down in the process. He cupped your cheek and wiped your tears away with his thumbs.

Your eyes drifted to his grey polo shirt, the one with the oval shaped pattern…his favourite had wet stains from your tears. “I destroyed your shirt…” you whispered with regret.

He shook his head with a smile, “nothing that a quick wash can’t handle.”

“Now sunshine tell me what happened…” Lloyd pulled his polo over his head and threw it in the laundry basket. Then he sat down next to you, laying his back against the pillows. He patted his thigh inviting you to sit on his lap.

You climbed on his lap and laid down against his chest wrapping your arms around him. Closing your eyes, you snuggled deeper into him enjoying the warmth is body.

“I was at my parents’ house, and they didn’t know I was there…. They were fighting, I knew they had this rough patch when that woman came into their lives, and they fought day and night. I thought it stopped after they weren’t spending so much time with her anymore, but their relationship got worse.”

Lloyd knew about the woman. She was a friend of your parents, and she always asked your father for help, and he did what she asked. Your mother got jealous, spoke with your father but he didn’t see anything wrong and that caused fight after fight.

With time they stopped spending time with her, and it only came occasionally and not every day of the week. Then the trip to Poland accrued and your father went swimming with her which he never did with your mother.

The woman had a husband of her own and children. You knew your father would never do anything but that didn’t stop how your mother felt.

A year later it stopped – or so you thought.

“My mother told him that he wasn’t doing anything to change their relationship for the better. She said he acted cold to which he responsed ‘maybe I’m just acting like you treat me’.  They went back and forth until she mentioned his co-worker who he befriended, she told him that he didn’t need to befriend every single person he met.”

Lloyd caressed your back as tears threatened to leave your eyes. He felt deeply sorry for you, he himself hadn’t had the best childhood either but he believed it was better if the parents got a divorce instead of fighting every day and having an unhappy marriage.

“I met the girl, and she is younger than him, has a boyfriend and is a really nice person. My mother has nothing to worry about, but I know it’s not that easy.”

Your boyfriend looked down at you with concern in his eyes, his other hand trailed up to your hair. When you were sad, he would hold your head, it gave you comfort and made you feel safe.

“I should have realized it way before that she wasn’t happy. My father was almost never there and when he was then he didn’t spend time with my brother or me. When I told him something he didn’t care enough to remember or when I was really excited about something and the only thing, he did with my brother was yelling at him.”

“Oh, sunshine I’m so sorry.” He felt your tears drip down on his naked chest as you hugged him closer.

“That one time I was in my room writing on my book and as if I hadn’t told him countless times what I was doing, he was surprised and all ‘you write a book?’ and he asked my mother if she knew of course she said yes but…. Why does it still affect me? I’m an adult for god’s sake.”

“Sunshine no don’t think that. You may be an adult however that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel like this and after what happened all those years ago, you’re scared.”

Lloyd lifted your chin and brought his lips to yours giving you an encouraging kiss. He could taste the slight saltiness of your tears on your soft lips.

“I’m scared to go there again, what if they fight again?” you sniffled as you broke the kiss.

“Then I will be there with you, it’s you and me forever sunshine.”

God you loved that man with every vein in your body. You could always count on him.

“However I don't think that was the only reason for those tears was it?” he knew you too good, you couldn’t keep anything a secret from though you didn't need to.

“My paranoia got worse today, when I was walking home” Lloyd's eyed showed a hint of guilt, he was supposed to pick you up.

You told him about your problem after six months of dating and he promised you that if he could he would accompany you or drive you. At the beginning it wasn't so bad but over the years it got worse and he tried everything to help you.

Today he promised you he would pick you up. The way to your parents took a while hence why he said he'd do it.

If it were only a five minute walk you would have tried to go alone.

But because you left earlier than expected Lloyd didn't pick you up. In your shock, sadness you forgot to call Lloyd or well you weren't able to so you walked.

“Sunshine, I promised you that if I could I will take you. Why didn't you call?” He gently asked knowing the topic was a bit sensitive. “I didn't want to be a burden and I know it's dumb but I guess it is the anxiety...”

“Hey, don't talk yourself down. It's not dumb it's normal and you know I would have been there without hesitation.”

“Maybe you should sleep now, relax...you had an eventful day,” he added tracing patterns on you back lulling you to sleep.

You could stay like this forever, it was you and him.

#lloyd hansen x you #lloyd hansen x reader #lloyd hansen x y/n #lloyd hansen #lloyd hansen smut #lloyd hansen x black reader #lloyd hansen x fem!reader #lloyd hansen imagine #lloyd hansen fic #lloyd hansen fanfiction #lloyd hansen fluff #my bitch lloyd 👀

[sleepingpopplio]

Toga and her happy ending

I think after taking some time to process the latest chapter I can finally verbalize what feels wrong about it. First, I think it’s really good to be hopeful that Toga isnt dead, but I also feel like a lot of the fandom right now is trying to not think about Toga being dead because if she truly is then they might end up like how I’m feeling. So, let’s just say hypothetically she is like truly, really dead without a shadow of doubt. 

Now, The first Issue I see with this writing is that it arguably goes against the themes of the story. In order to make a better society, our heroes need to be able to win AND save (hehe Bakugo and Deku at the core of the story once again). Otherwise, saving the league would feel hollow. So, Ochako DID win the fight between her and Toga by talking toga down from the edge and bringing out the goodness in her. But did she save her? 

I would argue no. 

Toga may be able to go out “her way”, but she still ends up dying before taking any further steps to heal and find her place as her authentic self within society. Ochako thinks she has a cute smile, but will everyone else? We are stripped of the negotiation process to get Toga the proper help she needs instead of throwing her in jail. We are deprived of Ochako standing up for her and helping her finally be the happy schoolgirl Toga always wanted to be, without the mask this time. We, the audience, are denied of seeing toga take accountability for her actions. Therefore, while Ochako may have saved Toga on a one-to-one level, and she still deserves credit for that btw, Toga ultimately died without witnessing society as a whole changing for the better. She was not saved— She was only helped… and is that a satisfying conclusion after years of buildup? After all the work to make Ochako come to value winning AND saving of everyone? Is that satisfying?

The fact that so many people refuse to believe Toga is dead points to this.

One more thing I would want to add here is a comparison to another member of the lead, someone that I have seen a lot of members of the fandom fight back against the notion that they should die. That character is Tomura Shigaraki. I’ve seen people say that Tomura should die in a sacrificial way in order to redeem himself, but then in response many fans push back and speak about how that wouldn’t solve any of Shigaraki’s problems and instead it would only leave shigaraki in a state of limbo in terms of reaching a satisfying and logical conclusion for him. Deku wouldn’t have achieved his goal to the fullest extent, society wouldn’t get to accept Tomura and show that even he is design of forgiveness after what he was put through, and we wouldn’t get to see how a reformed hero society would handle the league of villains moving forward. Sound familiar? My point in bringing this up is to show that it seemingly doesn’t make sense how you can argue how one villain should survive while the other should die because either way the death of one villain, even if it’s a heroic sacrifice, is still an incomplete rescue. It’s still an incomplete narrative, as it had framed itself to be a hopeful one, despite all the dark aspects. So, let’s just keep that in mind. 

My next point is going to be a heavy one, so buckle up. Let’s keep going with the hypothetical of Toga being really, truly dead, ok? Toga being dead has so many implications and undertones.  You can make an argument for, if she is the only league member that dies, how she is written in an upsetting way as both the only woman and canonically queer member of the league. Furthermore, the ‘Bury Your Gays’ trope is defined by killing off LGBTQ characters at an alarmingly higher rate than their heterosexual peers, and their death is usually because they entered some sort of queer relationship, or if someone has to die it might as well be the queer one. Am I saying that Horikoshi has malicious intent and hates queer people in stories? ABSOLUTELY NOT. DO NOT GO AND HARASS THE MAN BECAUSE IT ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING. But, there could be some internal bias because of Japanese society as a whole’s view of queer people. There also could be some push from editors to kill the queer character for this exact reason. Of course, this is all speculation and it’s not ok to jump to conclusions and assume the worst of writers. But Toga meant something to people. She meant something to queer people. If the reformed hero society could accept Toga for who she is, then wouldn’t that include her queerness? In a world where homophobia is increasing again at an alarming rate, kids need to see that being queer doesn’t mean that they have to be the “villain” in society’s eyes. Queer people deserve saving. But as my previous point discussed, Toga was not fully saved. Queer kids reading the manga will not get to see how Toga could find her sense of belonging in society while still living her truth. The queer subtext behind her relationship with Ochako will end in of of their deaths. Therefore, as someone with experience with living in a homophobic household and having to hide themselves, this does not feel like a happy ending.

Furthermore, I’m going to make another comparison just like I did in my previous point. But this time, I’m going to use a character from a different franchise that also involves superhero’s and is a heavy inspiration for Horikoshi’s writing. That character is Black Widow from the MCU. She was a beloved character, but often underutilized by the writers. The only female member of the avengers, Black Widow was often sexualized and used as the object of desire out of the bunch. She was badass, but always tied to her male counterparts. She was not allowed to exist without the other male avengers around. This was the pattern of her character writing for many years, up until Avengers: Endgame premiered. When that movie came out, Blackwidow played a key role… that role was to sacrifice herself. She did this so that her best friend, Hawkeye, wouldn’t have to sacrifice himself instead. He didn’t want her to sacrifice herself. He was fine with dying and tried to stop her. But despite his efforts, Blackwidow still sacrificed herself and died. This happened before she could get her own movie, and specifically before she could confront her past trauma and heal from it. She went out her way on her terms, but the audience still lost the vital piece of representation that she gave to the avengers and still suffered from never seeing Blackwidow’s character get to heal and overcome her pain. Does all of this once again sound familiar? Women often are the first to get hurt or die out of their hero or villain groups in the superhero genre. One good thing about Toga, however, is that she died alongside another female companion. A well written relationship between two women was front in center, instead of one between a man and woman. Despite that, however, Toga was often used as the sexualized member of the league and tended to revolve around Izuku a lot, just like Blackwidow. That is why it was amazing to see her bond with Ochako, and then devastating to have that taken away without letting the audience witness Toga’s complete healing.

Therefore, dying “your own way”, is only empowering if the female character had already had time to complete their character arc and heal their trauma in the same way that their male peers were allowed. Otherwise, it feels fake.

This chapter was overall amazingly well written. I enjoyed it a lot. Honestly, I enjoy MHA as a whole a lot!!! I’ve hyper-fixated on this story and tis characters a lot, and have a lot of faith in Horikoshi as a writer. I have no doubt that he’ll do a great job writing the other characters in this final arc give the audience a satisfying conclusion. I also hope that I’m proven wrong and somehow Toga ends up ok.

But the ending reminded me of how far writing has to go in order to accurately portray the female and queer experience, and to give such characters hopeful endings like everyone else. Toga deserves to find  acceptance. She deserves to find love from society as a whole, not just Ochako. 

Toga Himiko deserves a happy ending. Queer women deserve happy endings too.

Sorry to be a downer, everyone. If you want a more hopeful meta for this chapter, then please go check out @pikahlua’s blog because their meta on this chapter was spectacular and mind blowing.

#bnha #bnha analysis #bnha meta #bnha spoilers #bnha toga #toga himiko #himiko toga #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #mha analysis #mha spoilers #urakara ochako #ochaco uraraka #league of villains #lov #shigaraki tomura #tomura shiragaki #Bnha 395 #midoriya izuku #izuku midoriya #queer characters

[zhaoly]

been contemplating some stuff bc of the whole thing with halsin's writing

and this is a thought that I've had for a while since I came from the dragon age games (specifically origins in this case) but... like... I'm just so so over devs using sexual trauma and rape as plot devices

I think more often than not it's handled really poorly, especially if it's a character/companion that you're supposed to interact with a lot and not just a throwaway side lore detail. with DAO it wasn't a major theme in a companion's background but there were some pretty heavy themes of just... rape in general re: broodmothers and some of zevran's background stories.. and i'm just like... i'm! over! it! (and i love that game)

as a disclaimer, i've seen people saying that astarion's story actually deals with this topic in a respectful and meaningful way--i can't speak to that for myself bc i haven't played it yet--and i won't say that it's impossible to write this well into a character's story, but just that my personal opinion in general is that you really. don't need rape and SA to write a meaningful story

i understand that some people might look at halsin's story and say, poor bby he's dealing with trauma from the three years he was used as a sex slave and we need to be able to help him overcome it and i'm like... we don't though. we really DON'T need his character to have been tied up and raped for three fucking years in the name of "character development." we really DON'T need him expressing that it "wasn't all bad" and there were "positives" to it. and we really DON'T need the fans bearing the burden of trying to rationalize this as his coping method since there's no actual rational explanation of both why they wrote this in and how they wrote it.

i honestly don't believe for a second that that drow scene and dialogue was written with the level of nuance and depth that people want to believe. i'm not knocking on people for wanting to believe it, just that i'm taking this at complete face value and think this was treated as a "haha yeah i was a drow rape slave for three years, funny little tidbit about me!" moment (after he fondly chuckles about the drow courtesans remind him of his youth, no less) and nothing more.

i also highly, highly doubt that they would ever have written a female halsin. if they changed nothing but making him a woman, i can guarantee that shit wouldn't have made the final cut. but somehow it's okay for halsin's character to have all of this sexual trauma and be a literal rape slave for three years and then to brush it off as something "not without its positives" like COME on

we can do better with character stories

that's just my onion

#halsin #baldur's gate 3 #bg3

[the-cult-of-russo]

Poetic Tragedy (Part 7)

Pairing: Reader X Billy Russo

Warnings: Cursing, angst, sadness, substance abuse, mental health issues, mentions of sexual assault. This one’s a little dark and not really in a violent way (okay some of it is lmao). Just more the themes explored, I guess? 

A/N: This whole story is free written. The only idea I had was the scene in the first chapter where the guys corner her in the alley after she steals, after that, I’m just winging it lmao I have no idea where this story is heading right now, I’m just along for the ride like you guys loooool 

—------------------

The next day, you lay on your bed blinking slowly at the ceiling. After your little argument with Billy, you’d hidden in your room and you hadn't come out. You didn’t want to bump into Billy, you couldn't promise that you wouldn't hit him the next time he decided to take his anger out on you. You were done being a punching bag, you’d left those days behind. Like hell you were going to let him use you to take his frustrations out on. Everything was too much. You were used to a simple life, one that was mostly peaceful. You couldn't even enjoy being clean after all these years with the darkness looming over you. It felt like it was raining down shit on you and you weren't sure when it would end. What next? The building would catch fire and everyone would die? You wouldn't be surprised at this point. You missed the quiet that came with the solitude of your alley. Missed the drama-free nonsense. It was simple. Steal, eat, use and sleep. That was what you were used to, only now it would be even simpler without the drug use dangling over your head. You really couldn't wait to leave here. You felt trapped and it was stifling. You weren’t used to all these people, weren’t used to all this death and violence. You just wanted to be alone again, it was easier than this. 

Your thoughts drifted to Dean, remembering the awful moment the gunshot echoed outside. You didn't know how to feel about it all, about Dean acting so unaffected. His brother was a giant piece of shit and you had no doubt he was abusive to Dean, but still, the idea didn't sit well with you that he’d signed off on his death like he did. You hated your parents for what they did to you but you wouldn't tell someone to kill them. The mobs of New York, you got it. They were destructive and deadly and they needed to be gone. But not everything was black and white. It all bled into shades of gray and it seemed the lines that should be set were getting blurred here and it concerned you. Frank was one of the only ones to agree with you on that front and it surprised you a little given his history. But you wondered if after he was done with his revenge and he finally got it, he’d had time to think about everything. Realized needless violence wasn't the answer. There needed to be rules to this chaos or innocent people would wind up dead. Petty criminals like yourself would wind up dead. Some people just made bad choices and while yes, they may hurt people along the way, it didn't mean they had to die for it. You didn't believe for one second the police couldn't handle the petty lowlives like that. It was the big guns they had difficulty getting a handle on. That's where the vigilantes were supposed to step in, not for shit like this. You wanted to speak with Dean and make sure he was okay. You weren't sure if his brave face was just an act. You had no idea what had gone down with Billy and Dean when you weren't around, when he’d told him to stay away from you, but Dean was playing the good little soldier bit down to a tee and you felt like maybe he was going along with what he thought Billy wanted. You wondered if he’d threatened him. You wouldn't put it past the bastard. 

You heaved yourself off the bed, forcing yourself to get dressed. It was almost 9 am and you weren't sure where Dean would be. Breakfast was between 8 and 9, training starting at 10. After you got ready, you trudged down the stairs feeling heavy. The night before had been hard for you, harder than you’d like to admit. Without the crutch of drugs to fall back on, you’d lay there all night with your mind on a loop of what you witnessed. The cracking of Josh’s arm wouldn't scrub from your brain and all it did was make awful memories of your own surface. You didn't want to hear another bone break in your life. When you got downstairs, you looked around but saw no sign of Dean. Frank and Billy were talking to some of the recruits, they looked all business. Billy’s eyes drifted over to you then and you looked away quickly, wrapping your arms around yourself as you made a beeline for Karen. You didn't want to give him any opening to speak to you at all. With how you were feeling, you thought you might snap. You hadn't allowed yourself to cry over everything. It felt wrong, crying over Josh as if you missed him because you didn't. It just brought up a lot of trauma for you and the whole thing made you feel upside down. You were only a baby when it came to being in recovery and the tempting voice in the back of your head wouldn't leave you alone.

“Hey, have you seen Dean?” you asked softly, nibbling your lower lip. Karen glanced around before shaking her head.

“I haven’t seen him, I don’t think he’s been down here yet,” she replied with a smile. 

“Do you know what room he’s in?” you asked hopefully. It would be even better to talk to him in private if you could catch him before he came downstairs. 

“104,” Karen supplied easily. You wondered how she kept up with all the names and faces and apparently, room numbers too. She was just good at this shit, she was nothing like you. 

“Thanks,” you murmured, going to walk away.

“Are you okay?” she asked, halting your steps. You felt tense at her question as you turned back to her.

“I’m fine,” you lied, giving her a fake smile. Her eyes narrowed a little as she scrutinized you. 

“You know it's okay not to be fine, right?” she asked with a sad smile. You stuffed your hands into your hoodie pockets and shrugged.

“Look, I know yesterday was intense and I’m sorry you had to see it. And I saw your face when my hand went up at the vote. I didn't mean… I never wanted you to feel… betrayed or anything. But we’ve worked so hard building this place. Most of the people here… they’ve suffered in one way or another. We don't get normal guys with white-collar jobs turning up here signing up. The people here had a rough go of it and they're here to make a difference. To really help people. It's a safe space and if we kept him here… We can’t have someone like that here, we can’t have our people feeling unsafe. And letting him go wasn't an option because you’d wind up dead and he’d tell the Irish where we are. I’m not saying what happened was good, because it wasn't. But they were all bad choices and this was the one where only one person got hurt,” she explained shakily, a small frown on her face. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I know he was a bad man, trust me, I get that more than most. And I get that you're protective of this place, the people here… but I’m not. I look out for myself because that's all I’ve ever had to do and it’s what I’ll keep on doing. He might have been a threat to me but I still couldn't just sign his death warrant like that. I don't have it in me,” you murmured tensely. She nodded, looking thoughtful as she sighed.

“I understand. I just wanted you to know why I did it. Frank’s been upset with me since. The old Frank would have killed him before Billy even got to him,” she said with a sad smile.

“Well it seems the new Frank might have gotten his conscience back,” you replied, giving her a meaningful look before you turned away. You understood her reasons, it made sense. But it didn't mean you had to like it. You could go around and around in circles with her or Billy until the earth stopped rotating but it wouldn't make any of you see differently. And this was why you didn't belong here. You weren't built that way. 

You walked back up the stairs, this time stopping on the second floor and not the third. You remembered Karen telling you the rooms were smaller and there were more of them as you took in the differences between this floor and yours. You stopped outside of 104, taking a deep breath before you knocked on the door firmly. The door opened and Dean blinked at you for a moment. He was dressed but his bootlaces were undone like he was in the middle of putting them on when you knocked.

“We need to talk,” you said, pushing your way past him inside. You weren't about to give him another chance to shut you down or evade you. You moved into the room, sitting on his bed as you watched him sigh and shut the door. He moved over to a chair in the room, starting to tie his laces.

“What's up?” he asked, his voice not giving anything away about how he was feeling. 

“You know damn well what's up. Josh was murdered yesterday, how can you be so okay with it?” you asked with a frown. He scoffed, sitting up properly in the chair now his laces were tied.

“I don’t get how you aren’t,” he bit out, shaking his head at you.

“He was a drug dealer and shitty person, it hardly warrants being executed like that,” you muttered tensely. 

“It's like you want to die,” he huffed incredulously.

“Excuse me?” you asked as your brows raised.

“You know what he would have done if we let him go. You’d be dead, maybe we’d all end up dead. I did what I had to do to keep you and everyone else safe,” he bit out with a glower.

“I get all that, I had Karen feed me the same bullshit. But what I don’t get is how you were so okay with it, how it was so easy for you,” you couldn't keep the hard edge out of your tone and he snorted joylessly.

“It was easy because he’s been dead to me for years. You only know half the shit he did to me. You can think I’m a monster for not caring all you want, but I’m okay with what I did,” he insisted firmly. Your shoulders sagged a little at his words and you frowned.

“I don’t think you’re a monster, Dean. I’m just worried about you,” you murmured, feeling guilt gnaw at you. While you didn't quite get why he was so okay with his brother being killed, you weren’t him. He was right, you didn't know everything. You knew he would have had his reasons. You just hoped that being here with these people hadn't desensitized him to violence. 

He got up from where he sat, moving to sit next to you on the bed.

“You don’t need to worry about me. Really, I’m fine,” he said resolutely. When you looked at him, you knew he meant it. There wasn't much else you could say on the topic. What was done was done and as long as it wasn't eating at him, you had no choice but to drop it no matter how much it didn't sit right with you.

“Enough about me anyway. How are you?” It was such a simple question, one that Karen had asked just moments before. But when Dean asked you, his blue eyes looking at you with all of their concern, you mortifyingly felt your lower lip wobble and you quickly looked away. You wanted to hit yourself.

“It's okay to be upset. Josh was a big part of your life since you were 17,” he murmured softly. You shook your head, the tears burning your eyes deciding to free themselves as they fell down your cheeks.

“I’m not upset… not like that. It’s not like I’m gonna miss him, I just… It’s all too much. There's too much happening one after the other and my brain can’t handle it. There’s so much… death and-and violence. And watching Billy beat him like that… it was like being back at home,” you lamented, angrily wiping your eyes. Josh had been a huge part of your life for a long while but you didn't lie when you said you wouldn't miss him. Seeing him was the worst part of your week and it would always fill you with dread, anxiety and shame. You just didn't think the right justice for his crimes was a bullet to his head. You didn't like how easy it was for them all to resort to murder. Dean put his hand on your back carefully as if not to spook you, rubbing it softly to comfort you.

“I know it's a lot for you. I know that violence upsets you,” he muttered quietly as you sniffled, getting a reign on yourself. 

“I just can’t wait to leave,” you whispered, shaking your head. 

“You know what I think?” he asked. When you looked at him, he gave you a rueful smile.

“What?” you asked, wiping your eyes of the last of their tears.

“I think you need cheering up. I know a great ice cream place,” he shot you a grin and your lips quirked up a little at him. 

“I’m not allowed to leave, remember?” you asked with a roll of your eyes. 

“It’s not far and we won’t be too long. We could just grab it and bring it back here. I know a way we could sneak out,” he smirked. 

It was a little exhilarating sneaking out. He’d led you to a secret staircase that you would have never known existed. It had an exit to the back. He chose one of the many cars parked outside at the side of the building before leaving quickly before anyone noticed. You felt a thrill at being free, at being out of the intense atmosphere there. 

“So this is what freedom feels like?” you asked playfully, looking out the window longingly. You missed it out there. Dean chuckled, glancing at you as he navigated the road easily to get to his destination. 

“You must hate being cooped up there,” he answered lightly. 

“Just a bit,” you snorted, making him smile at you. It didn't take long to get to the ice cream place and once inside, you felt overwhelmed. There were so many flavors that it made your brain ache. You couldn't remember the last time you had ice cream, you didn't even remember what it tasted like. 

“What can I get you, hon?” the older woman behind the counter asked with a polite smile as she looked at Dean.

“Uh… I’ll have the rocky road,” he supplied, looking at you for your answer. You couldn’t give him one though, staring at the many flavors like you were about to have an aneurysm. 

“And a chocolate chip too,” he smiled. You looked to him then, body feeling relief sweeping through it. You were glad he picked for you, you thought you’d be there forever if he didn't. It reminded you of years ago, back when he would visit you in your little alley when he could. He’d bring a pack of chocolate chip cookies with him. You didn't devour them like your starving body wanted you to. Instead, you’d rationed yourself to one a day to make them last until his next visit. When the woman handed the ice creams over, Dean handed yours to you and you took it gratefully. You ate a mouthful of it and you moaned softly at the taste. It was the nicest thing you’d tasted in forever, even if the cold was strange to you.

“Good, right?” he asked teasingly at your reaction as you both left the store.

“You’re spoiling me. I hope you know you're gonna have to come visit me when I leave and bring ice cream,” you smirked cheekily as you both made your way to the car.

“Do you want me to get you another scoop?” he asked, standing next to you with an amused look on his face. You were honestly considering it.

The sound of tires screeching had you both whipping around to see a black car come to an abrupt halt outside of the shop, four big men jumping out. Your body froze, heart beating rapidly and you felt Dean tense next to you.

“We’ve been lookin’ for ye, little girl,” the bigger man smirked cruelly, his accent giving him away immediately. You felt like you might throw up. He drew his gun and Dean rushed over, reaching for his own that you didn't even realize he’d had on him. But before Dean could even grab it, a bullet went right through his head and he fell into a lifeless heap on the floor.

“No!” you screamed, ice cream slapping the floor with a splat. Your heart felt like it was being ripped right out of your chest. As you made a move to get to him, you suddenly flew backwards by a force, your back hitting the ground hard. You gasped, pain spreading all over you like you were on fire. You couldn't move your left arm. You glanced down, seeing blood quickly soaking into your shirt under your left shoulder. You heard people shouting and the sound of tires once more but your brain felt like it was working through molasses at the shock and pain and you rolled onto your side. Dean was looking right at you but there was no life in his eyes and you sobbed brokenly, the gunshot in the middle of his head oozing blood.

“No… No, I’m sorry,” you wailed, dragging your pain-riddled body over to his. He couldn't be dead, this couldn't be real. You made it far enough to grasp his hand, clutching it desperately like you might float away. Your broken pleas became silence as everything turned to darkness. 

—-

You gasped as your eyes shot open, looking around panicked as you took in the bright white room. Your head felt fuzzy, your body heavy, as painful flashes of what happened came back to you. Dean was dead. He was dead because of you. 

“No, no, no,” you mumbled, trying to sit up.

“You need to stay still, sweetie. Just relax.” The voice made you tense as your blurry eyes focused on the nurse that was hovering over you, chart in hand. 

“It’s okay,” she added with a kind smile. You felt panic gripping you tightly. You had to get out of here, if the Irish turned up, you’d be dead. 

“I… I need to leave. I have to…” you pleaded, once again trying to sit up. The nurse moved your bed to sit up for you as she hovered next to you.

“You can’t leave just yet, you’re under observation. You’re lucky that gunshot didn't hit anything important. The police have also been waiting to come and take a statement. You've been out of it for…” she trailed off, glancing to your chart, “four days,” she murmured with a concerned frown. Four days. For all you knew, if you turned up back at the warehouse, they’d all be dead just like Dean. You felt sick.

“I really need to go, I don’t want to be here,” you lamented as tears stained your cheeks. She gave you a sympathetic look but shook her head.

“Just let the doctor see you first. If he clears you, then you can leave and arrange to see the police at home,” she insisted. You blinked ahead of you, unseeing as your brain replayed the horrors you’d seen over and over.

“Can you tell me your name, sweetie? You didn't have any ID on you when you came in, we’ve had you down as a Jane Doe,” the nurse asked lightly. You frowned, shaking your head. Of course, you didn't have an ID on you, you didn't have any at all. You were a nobody in this city, a ghost. And that's how you liked it.

“You don't remember your name?” the nurse asked, concern dripping from her voice. You shook your head again, not even really listening to her. You needed to leave before you wound up dead. Your hazy eyes drifted to your right hand, seeing an IV in it. You frowned again, moving your left hand to get it out of you. While you could move your left arm now, it was uncomfortable and painful.

“No, no, no! You have to leave that in, it's the pain medication,” the nurse tutted as she came over to stop you.

“Pain medication?” you asked with a hollow voice, dread seizing you tightly. 

“For your wound. The doctor made sure to give you the good stuff,” she gave you a bright smile but you felt like you were being sucked into a black hole. You were a recovered opioid addict and they’d given you strong pain meds. That was why you felt so fuzzy and out of it. You thought it had been the blood loss. While it wouldn't make you go through withdrawals again since it wasn't as strong as the heroin you were used to, it would make abstaining a lot harder for you, which in your current devastated condition, wasn't great. You didn't speak, glaring at the IV like you wanted to set it on fire with your mind. 

“Okay, I’m gonna go and grab the doctor. I’ll be back in a minute,” the nurse said awkwardly before disappearing. 

You wasted no time as you ripped the IV from your hand with a wince. There was no way you were waiting around here to get killed or to be questioned by the police. You swung your legs over the side of the bed with a groan. Your shoulder was hurting, although you guessed not as bad as it would have been without the pain meds. Your emotional turmoil was worse though. You rummaged in the bedside cupboard, hoping to find your clothes. All you found were your boots though so you slipped them on as you stood in just your hospital gown. You crept to the door, peeping out for a moment. When the coast was clear, you hurried from the room and down the hallway. Near the stairs, you spotted a staff room and you pressed your ear to it for a long moment. With no sounds, you carefully pushed open the door. The room was empty but you looked around, finding some clean blue scrubs in a drawer. You made quick work of getting out of your gown and into the scrubs, putting your boots back on afterwards. You left the room, hurriedly darting down the stairs and out of the building. Outside held no comfort like it used to, your body on high alert after what happened. You felt on the edge of breaking, like all of your feelings were contained in a glass box that was about to shatter into a million pieces. You couldn't get Dean’s lifeless face out of your mind, how he stared at you blankly, devoid of life. Your whole body was trembling with pain and anguish as your feet carried you to wherever they wanted to go. It turned out it was the warehouse. It was still standing but you couldn't find it in yourself to feel the relief. Not after what you did, not after Dean had died because of you. 

You heard the raised voices before you’d even opened the door and it made fear prickle you as you pushed it open. All eyes seemed to turn to you then, incredulous and shocked.

“Y/N… where have you been?!” Karen asked, rushing over as her eyes assessed your current outfit.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” you bit out, voice rough and hollow. 

“The fuck you mean you don’t wanna talk about it? We’ve been lookin’ for you for days, thinkin’ the Irish got you,” Billy snapped harshly, his eyes ablaze. Your body shook with the sheer force it was taking you not to break down. 

“Where’ve you been, Y/N?” Frank asked with a softer tone, his eyes worried as he looked at you. It felt like everyone was talking at once, numerous recruits all talking over each other and you clenched your jaw and resisted the urge to cover your ears. 

“Where’s Josh?” Curtis asked quietly, the straw that broke the camel's back.

“He’s dead!” you exploded. Suddenly, the place was overtaken with silence before all the murmurs started up again, it felt like a million people all asking you the same question. What happened?

“Dead?” Curtis asked slowly, his face contorting with pain. 

“Come on, Y/N, you gotta talk to us here. What happened?” Frank asked carefully as he took a step towards you, Billy mirroring him. Your eyes were ahead of you, unseeing and unfocused as all you could see was Dean with his blank eyes, all you could hear were the gunshots, the sound of Dean hitting the floor. Ice cream. It had all been over ice cream. 

“You better start talkin’, Y/N. What the fuck do you mean he’s dead?” Billy growled at you.

“He’s dead! What do you want me to say?! He’s dead and it's all my fault!” you yelled, the dam breaking as a heaving sob wracked your chest. Karen made a move to grab you but you stepped back quickly, your right hand moving over your heart like you were trying to stop it from spilling out of your chest.

“I was upset and he… he took me to get ice cream. We were… we were happy, laughing and then… the-the Irish found us. They shot him and-and then they shot me and I’ve been in hospital,” you murmured, sounding in shock. All the talking started talking again and it was grating on your very raw nerves. Everyone was hounding you, asking more questions that you didn't want to answer. How could this happen? Why did you even go out there? How did you sneak out? How did the Irish know where to find you? But then you felt a jolt of anger inside of you as your brain turned your pain and hurt into rage instead.

“Just shut up!” you bellowed, making everyone go quiet instantly. 

“I’ve just watched the closest person to a friend get a bullet to the brain all because he wanted to cheer me up and then I got shot myself. Then I spent four days being pumped full of pain meds and all I can see is his fucking face and I can’t unsee it! I’m not gonna stand here and have you all fucking question me for answers I don't have when all I wanna do right now is die! So just shut up and leave me alone!” you roared, voice cracking as you felt like you were going to drown under the weight of your emotions. Karen's hand went to her mouth, her eyes tearful as she looked at you. But you just gave them all a scathing yet tearful look before storming past them all. Your chest was heaving as you ran up the stairs, pain consuming every inch of you. Withdrawals hurt less than this.

When you got in your room, you slammed the door shut before letting out a gut-wrenching scream, so full of all your rage, pain and anguish you were shocked the window didn't shatter. You couldn't breathe through your broken sobs and you slid down the wall, bringing your knees up to your chest as you hugged them with your right arm, your left hanging loosely by your side. You didn't get it, couldn't make sense of why life kept wanting to hurt you like this. You were a disease, spreading to everything you came into contact with. You heard the door open and shut and you should have known Karen would come and check on you, despite you not wanting anyone around you right now. But as they sat down next to you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder, you became very aware that it wasn't Karen at all. It was Billy. 

“Leave me alone, I’m not in the mood for your shit right now!” you sobbed, trying to push him away. But he was stronger and he pulled you to him.

“It’s alright, Y/N,” he murmured. The soft voice from when he helped you through withdrawals was back but you were too fucked in the head to try and care. In your sheer pain, you gave into him, head going to his chest as you sobbed almost violently into his shirt. He wrapped his arms around you, one hand stroking your hair softly. You were taking big painful gasps of air between your sobs and your head felt dizzy. 

“It’s all my fault,” you lamented through your tears painfully. You felt him shake his head above you at your words.

“Don’t say that, this ain’t on you, sweetheart,” he insisted. You pulled away from him and the hand that had been around you slid to your knee, the hand from your hair now on your shoulder as you gave him the most heartbreaking look and he winced.

“How isn’t this on me?! The only reason he was out there was because I was upset! He died because he was with me! Why do I get to live when he’s…” you trailed off brokenly, your good hand slapping over your eyes as if trying to stop the onslaught of tears that was assaulting you. Billy’s hand on your shoulder moved to the back of your head as he soothingly rubbed your scalp. 

“I know about guilt. Ain’t no use in carryin’ it around for shit beyond your control. Sometimes bad shit just happens and there ain’t a damn thing we can do to stop it,” he muttered firmly. 

“My whole life’s just been bad shit, when will it fucking end?” you agonized, wiping your tears angrily with your good hand. 

“You didn’t pull that trigger, Y/N. You’re not to blame for this,” his dark eyes bore into you and you shook your head with a shaky breath. You wanted to argue with him, you didn't agree with him for one second. But you just felt exhausted. You felt like you had nothing left in you to give. 

A silence settled over you both then and you would have thought you were too far gone for it to bother you but you were wrong.

“Why are you even here anyway? You hate me so I’m not sure what your end game is,” you huffed, unable to help yourself. His hands moved away from you as he shifted to sit with his legs crossed in front of him, hands in his lap.

“I don't hate you, Y/N,” he muttered, rolling his shoulder. 

“That's a joke right?” you asked mockingly. A deep frown creased his brow as he looked away, rolling his shoulder again as he licked his lower lip.

“I don't. It's just… you fuckin’ scare me,” he bit out reluctantly. An incredulous laugh flew from your lips that you were powerless to stop and he turned to shoot you a glare, eyes narrowed to slits.

“I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time believing the bad boy Marine sniper turned vigilante is scared of a frail homeless girl,” you scoffed. He looked away again, his jaw ticking as he shook his head.

“It ain’t like that… It’s just… I don’t let people in. The people in this place, I care about ‘em ‘cause I’m responsible for ‘em. But the people I really let get close to me I can count on one hand… And then you happened,” he muttered, his dark eyes turning to you. They were burning so intensely that they felt like they were searing into your skin. 

“When I met you in that alley it was like… like somethin’ was eatin’ at me and I didn’t get it. Didn’t like the way you were just livin’ your life like you didn’t want it to get better. But I tried to ignore it, tried to forget you since I figured I’d never see you again but then you wound up here. I knew there was somethin’ off with you and it irritated me and then I found out it was the drugs and that… that bothered me,” his face hardened as he looked away, his hands clenching into fists.

“You said I got mommy issues and maybe you’re right ‘cause that’s all I could think about. And it bothered me because I didn't want that for you, didn't want you to wind up like my mother. I couldn't stand there and let you just waste away like that and that's why I needed you to get clean,” he explained, letting his head fall back to the wall with a quiet thud as you just watched him, unsure where this was going.

“I let you in. I told you things I’d never tell someone I’ve only met a few times, but it was so easy with you. Especially after the shit you told me ‘cause it fuckin’ resonated with me. And then I’m takin’ care of you, watchin’ you in so much pain and it hurt me. I wanted to make it better, wanted to take it away. I'd have taken that pain so you didn't have to feel it in a heartbeat,” he frowned, still unable to look at you.

“But then… then it was all over. You were better, it was done. And I realized this… this bond I thought we had was one-sided. You only let me in ‘cause I was the only one around. You didn't need me anymore and that was… well it was a bitter fuckin’ pill to swallow,” he chuckled but it wasn't happy. 

“I’ve never been good with rejection or-or negative feelin’s and shit. It always just turns to anger with me and after Rawlins… it only got worse. My brain got scrambled and sometimes it's so goddamn loud in here that nothin’ makes sense and I lash out,” he sneered at himself, gesturing to his head as he shook it.

“I’m sorry for the way I made you feel. And you don’t gotta believe or forgive me, but I need you to know that. It’s not your problem my mind’s fucked up and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I don't hate you,” he implored, his gaze turning back to you. It was so earnest that you felt like all the air got sucked out of your lungs. You couldn't help but eye him warily though. You thought you’d gotten to know him in the days spent in here with him, only for him to pull the rug on you. 

“This right here, this is the real me. The one that held you when you cried, the one that tried to comfort you and help you through your pain. The asshole you’ve seen since is just… he’s a broken man who can’t make sense of his own head. But that ain’t me,” he uttered softly as his eyes took on a pleading edge.

Part of you couldn't fault him without being a hypocrite. You had a temper yourself, something you knew you got from your father even though it made you sick. Your own negative emotions would often turn into anger instead because it was easier to deal with and it wasn't like you’d never lashed out at anyone because of it or to push them away. You knew he’d been hurtful, you knew he knew it too. But the look on his face right now made you think that he was being honest with you. That he meant it. And you knew it would have taken a lot for him to open up and admit that to you. To apologize. You’d be a liar if you said you hadn't missed the Billy that had taken care of you back then. He’d been so gentle with you, giving you more care and affection than your own parents ever bestowed on you. And you’d felt that bond too which is why you’d been so hurt when he acted like an asshole again. You knew you could make things difficult for him. To laugh at his apology and tell him to go and fuck himself. But you didn't want to. Especially not now with how fragile you were feeling. You blew out a sigh and sagged into the wall a little, trying to ignore how your shoulder was stinging.

“Consider your apology accepted,” you murmured tiredly. When you chanced a look at him, he was staring at you and you both shared a look. It was a strange friendship you had with him in such a short space of time. You’d gone from having issues with each other to connecting over trauma, to having issues again and back to reconnecting. It was giving you whiplash. But you knew this bond you shared wasn't exactly normal, forced out of shared trauma and grief and enough baggage to sink a cruise ship. His lips quirked up into a hesitant smile as he held his arm open for you in invitation. Desperately needing comfort, you scooted right to him, being mindful of your sore shoulder as you curled around him with your head on his chest. You sank into him as he wrapped his arms around you, letting his scent soothe you much like it had when you’d been suffering from withdrawals. 

“Does it hurt?” he asked after a peaceful moment of silence.

“What? The overwhelming grief and despair?” you asked self-deprecatingly. 

“No, I meant the uh… the gunshot,” he murmured, sounding a little unsure.

“A little but I’ll be fine,” you replied. The gunshot was the least of your worries right now.

“Should get Curtis to look at it. Make sure it's alright,” he mused, fingers toying with your hair. You hummed in agreement, letting the feeling soothe you. The last thing you needed was to have the wound get infected or anything. Then you’d be stuck here longer. 

“Everythin’ will be over soon. We’re gonna hit the Irish in two days and I’m gonna make sure they suffer for what they did to you,” he muttered darkly, his arms tightening around you. This time, the idea of violence didn't repulse you. Dean’s lifeless face swarmed your vision again and you closed your eyes to rid yourself of it. You wanted them to suffer for what they’d done. What they’d taken away. You ended up falling asleep against Billy’s chest on the floor as his fingers in your hair soothed you to sleep.

Taglist: (if you’ve been asked to be tagged and aren’t here, it wouldn’t let me tag some people.)

@firexfate

@blanchedelioncourt

@ariesbutalibra

@sunshinedaisies-anddeath

@snowkestrel

@music-indie-tv

@idaofinfinity

@sweetserendipity65

@ramadiiiisme

@k-marzolf

@celestialams

@woowwwee

#billy russo imagine #billy russo fanfic #billy russo x reader #billy russo

[crossroadsandloudmusic]

Hey y’all, I’m back. So a little update on life, I took a much longer break than anticipated because of some problems in my home life. As I’m sure some of you saw, several members of my immediate family have returned to rehab. I hope this is the last time me and my family have to go through this again. Regardless of the situation I have spent time at hospitals and rehab centers writing! So therefore I present to the second part of the Uzui vs Kyojuro fic. I hope you all enjoy and have a wonderful evening/night/morning/day/afternoon.

Anon? Are you still out there? This is for you ladybug! I hope you enjoy. I will say I took some minor liberties while writing this monstrosity. Nevertheless I hope it is too your liking and if you would like me to write anything else for you I’d be honored! Thank you for the encouragement and inspiration!

I’ll link the fic to the original post!

All the people who requested me to tag you in a part two here you are!!

@rebloging-everything

@bakugounuggets

@unsuretater-simp

@thatonegirlwiththebeanie367

I hope you enjoy!

As always please enjoy!

Request are always open!!

Criticism/tips welcome!!

Warnings: Yandere themes, @buse, neglect, torture, isolation, blood, gore, graphic descriptions, non con, smut, drugging, kidnapping, assault, (etc.)

If anything stated above may cause you any type of distress please do not read. Thank you

Also minors I do not want you interacting with my post such as this one. Thank you

The quiet breeze swayed your legs while you sat on the sturdy branch of the tree. You watched as the clouds appeared and changed shape as they continued their voyage across the endless ocean of sky. Sighing deeply, you turned and slid off the branch onto the soft grass below. You landed with a thud and walked back to your new home, the Tengen estate.

Soon the house would be adorned with glorious flowers and lanterns; all the hashira in attendance along with friends of Uzui. The wedding would be beautiful no doubt. But something inside weighed heavy on your heart.

Isn’t this what you wanted?

You wanted Uzui, you wanted him to chase you and he finally had you.

Now you would be married to him.

This is what you wanted, right?

The thoughts and questions never failed to plague your mind. And now that you had all the time in the world due to Tengen requiring that you retire from the corps, you had nothing better than to sit with your unrelenting contemplation.

Tengen noticed the change in your demeanor after he ordered that you retire, so you spent your days at the estate. You were not allowed outside of the grounds alone, not allowed to speak to slayers; especially the hashira, and not allowed into town without the other three accompanying you.

Tengen knew long before you would figure out that you wanted to be free, therefore he would ensure that while you stewed over your internal struggle that you wouldn’t escape. Even when you came to that realization yourself.

He took it upon himself to return your uniform and sword, he so graciously let you swing it one last time till it returned to its maker. And had it not been for your acceptance of this union, the gesture would have enraged you. Yet you calmly swung your katana before sheathing it for the last time; you pressed the handle to your head and whispered a soft thank you before handing it to Tengen. You noticed his almost gleeful expression as you handed him your entire world.

Now without your sword and uniform, you couldn’t deny the feeling of not knowing who you were. Before you had been a child, an orphan who saw the only world she knew, destroyed. Then you were a fearsome warrior and a hero to the people around you.

But who were you now?

A wife?

A faithful servant?

Within a week your life and aspirations were snatched from you and now you belonged to Tengen. You would be an obedient wife, who was at his beck and call.

These thoughts stewed inside you and burned your soul.

‘He trapped me…he stole me…he stole my life!’ Your mind screamed.

Tears filled the brim of your eyes, threatening to overflow. You dropped to your knees and wrapped your arms around yourself. The most sorrowful cries left your mouth, your body shook and shuddered as the feelings of pain and shock rippled through your heart.

Hearing the commotion Suma, Hinatsuru, and Makio ran out the house. They saw you crumpled on the ground, your fist slamming on the grass. All three ran to you and huddled around, all the while asking you what was the matter.

“(Y/n), what’s wrong, tell us?” Suma cried as she hugged you tightly.

The anger boiled inside you, and the three girls only made things worse. How could they love this life, how could they be so okay? They knew what was going to happen to you, they even planned to take you themselves!

Your hands held your weight, as your legs were tucked underneath you. Your head hung low and your eyes focused on the grass below you. Silently you sniffled and wiped your tears on the back of your hand.

“Come on, let’s get up.” Hinatsuru said in a beautifully calm voice. Her smooth hands wrapped underneath your arm in an attempt to lift you from the ground.

Your anger surged through your veins and pulled your muscles tight. When you felt the slight pull of Hinatsuru’s hands you jumped and ripped your arm from Hinatsuru’s grasp. All three of the women looked at you confused and concerned.

“(Y/n)...is-is everything alright?” Makio asked, tilting her head; her eyes full of sympathy.

“I want out…” You said just below a whisper.

“What is it?” Makio asked.

“I want out…I want out! I want out! I’m getting out of here!” You screamed as you pushed through the group of girls and fled into the woods. Instantly the girls gave chase.

Your bare feet pounded against the earth, your muscles burned from a lack of training. You could hear 3 sets of footsteps following close behind but still you continued.

You ducked and dodged in between trees, narrowly avoided low hanging branches; the grasp of your pursuers getting farther away.

Your mind pondered as to what you would do next, should you hide, should you fight, should you continue to flee. You knew that hiding would be futile as they would find you soon after, and if you kept running you would surely falter; your feet were already covered in scrapes and blisters.

But to fight? Your heart cringed at the thought.

You did love them, truly you did. The memories shared between the four of you never failed to put a smile on your face but still you wanted your freedom. They always treated you with the same respect they gave Tengen, just like him you were a hashira, and mighty one at that.

‘And Tengen…’ You thought to yourself.

Tengen always loved you so tenderly, he held you softly and spoke the most wonderful praises. He did love you, you could see the way he beamed seeing you along with Hinatsuru, Makio, and Suma. He smiled so brightly when you would greet him or embrace him or kiss him. He would even don a slight blush accompanied by his devilish grin when you would pleasure him. It wasn’t a lie that he melted your heart, and you melted his.

Did you love him? Suppose you did love him, that only made this situation that much more complicated.

But you knew that deep down in your heart you did not love the things he did to you. The things he arranged to have you.

As you ran deeper into the woods, your pace began to slacken until you were at a slow walk. You had run straight into a clearing, one that looked like it had been visited often. A pile of burned wood sat in the middle, to the left of the ashes was a canvas tarp. It had been disturbed and seemed as if it had been used the previous night. You also noticed large footprints in the surrounding dirt, it was a big shoe, in fact it looked as if the print matched those of the shoes that were issued to the slayers.

‘A slayer was camping here?’ You thought to yourself as you inspected the site more closely; footfall charging towards you.

‘A man? Was this Tengen’s spot?’ You questioned again, hoping the trees would whisper the answer into your ear. Before another thought could be formed three sets of arms wrapped around your body and drug you backwards. Your feet were lifted from the ground and arms restrained. You watched as you were carried out of the clearing back towards your prison, the glimpse of the campsite disappearing behind the towering trees.

‘Why did I stop?’

‘Why?...’

‘Why?...’

————————————————————————-

Under strict orders of Tengen’s, you were not to leave the room. If you did you were to be guarded by at least two of the wives till he made his return. Then he would deal with you himself.

As of two days ago, you sat in a spare room guarded at all times. For the first several hours you would kick and scream to be let out. You would put holes through the walls and try to rip doors directly off the hinges, because of this all the three women tied your arms and feet together. Much to their dismay, you freed yourself and continued your assault on your room.

Finally Hinatsuru had enough. After you had successfully punched a hole through the wooden door that held you, she approached the room. She watched cautiously as you would pace back and forth in front of the door like a caged animal.

“Let me out, Hinatsuru. I’m tired of playing around. I'm leaving, whether you let me or not.” You said watching her through the splintered wood.

“I’d like to see you try.” She giggled quietly.

Only by acting on pure emotion you sprung into action and began to hammer your hands into the door. It shook violently with each blow, the wood groaned as it continued to be torn apart.

You used every fiber of your being to break the door, to destroy it, to hurt something as much as you were hurting. While you ruthlessly slammed against the door; your knuckles poured blood, and tears streamed down your cheeks.

You just wanted to go home, to return to your old life. Why didn’t they understand that? Didn’t they want you to be happy? Maybe if they let you go now then you all could forget about this and laugh later on?

Your thoughts ran wild as you tried to reason with yourself as to how this situation could be resolved where both sides could still be okay.

You hated this, you hated all of this but yet you still loved them. You still wanted their company and to have moments like you did before. You wanted to love them you truly did but they left you with no choice, you were going to leave and you didn’t care if you took the whole house down in the process.

Your beating against the door proved successful when you mangled fist shot straight through to the other side of the door again.

Instantly, Hinatsuru grabbed a hold of your arm and pulled it even further through the hole. Before you could pull yourself back from her grasp, a sharp pinch on your tricep made you stop. You peered around the cracks and saw Hinatsuru remove a needle from your arm. As soon as you realized what had happened, your body began to feel heavy and slow. Your muscles flinched as you tried to steady yourself, but now your balance was slowed as well. Next your eyes began to fall and your head seemed to be filled with rocks. Your arms sagged and your feet drug against the floor as you desperately tried to stay awake and keep from tumbling over. Your attempts were in vain as you soon fell to the ground in a mumbling heap. Your last sight was that of the girls hovering over you, this time they held shackles and chains above you.

————————————————————————-

Why is it so bright…

Is that…the sun…

You found yourself in a meadow. Beautiful orange, red, and yellow flowers danced amongst the tall grass in the breeze. You took in the scenery, it was beautiful, all too beautiful. The sky even seemed as if it were from a painting, massive clouds soared across it like a fleet of battleships headed back home. The sun gave the clouds a soft yellowish hue that only magnified their size. While you continued to observe this wonderful scene around you, the breeze that once swayed the grass, blew past you and lifted your (h/c) hair from your shoulders. It was warm, yet refreshing and on the air the sweetest scent of the earth could be found.

Your temporary peace was replaced with curiosity when you gazed upon the pasture and saw a figure standing far away.

So far away in fact, you could barely make them out. Your eyes strained as you tried to distinguish them.

You rose from your seated position and started to walk towards them, you parted the sea of foliage in pursuit of your answer. As you approached the figure they turned to you. You stopped and watched, hoping that whoever was on the other side of the meadow intended no harm. The two of you stood staring at one another; entirely still as the wind blew around you.

Then the figure started to walk in the opposite direction.

“Wait! Stop! Who are you? Where am I? Hey wait!” You yelled as the figure was disappearing from you. Struggling to find good footing you chased after them hoping to get close enough to catch a glimpse. You trampled through the grass, flowers and other plants gripped your haori.

You stopped, this was the first time you had noticed what you were wearing. You looked down to see you wore your slayer uniform, it was pristine and freshly washed. You also wore your haori, just as beautiful it was the day you got it, and your hands were covered in your jewelry; rings on every finger.

Your attention was pulled from your old clothes by the wind blowing harder. You looked up to see the clouds had come together and formed a ginormous grey mass that hovered above you. It was rippling and churning as the wind blew violently now. Then sharp specks of rain stung your face as you watched in awe of this giant storm that had appeared from thin air, you shielded your face in an effort to not continue getting hit. When all of a sudden an ear shattering boom came from the storm. You looked up once again but this time to see spidering red electricity spark and pop across the massive cloud. It shocked and shuddered the earth as it made its way closer.

Without thinking about the mysterious figure or how you had gotten here, you ran to take cover. You topped the hill at an alarming fast speed and saw what appeared to be a collection of trees not far away. Hiding amongst trees brought their own dangers with storms but it was the only cover you had. Hurriedly you ran down the hill and into the mouth of the woods.

Once under the protection of the wilderness, you stopped to take a minute to catch your breath. You hadn’t ran like that in quite a while. You scanned the trees and took note that it didn’t seem that many people frequented these woods as the trees seemed very old and untouched. All except for a thin path that led deeper inside. Cautiously you walked down the path as the thunder rolled behind you.

At the end of the path you found a clearing, it was a perfect circle and held the same flowers that littered the meadow. It was beautiful, even the sky past the tops of the trees was blue and calm.

Your eyes found another sight, the figure from before. Except they stood with their back towards you. You took notice of their clothes, sandals, black pants, and a white haori with a fiery pattern? The recognition was immediate.

“Rengokusan?!” You yelled but Kyojuro didn’t move.

You inched closer and called again,

“Rengokusan? It’s me (Y/n)!”

His wild yellow mane flowed gently around his broad shoulders.

“Rengokusan, is that you? Are you ok?” You called once again and approached even closer now.

You watched for a reaction, he didn’t move when you called his name.

Then you saw his shoulders begin to slouch and his hands shot to his face. The sounds of true despair followed. The most sorrowful weeps halted you in your tracks, you watched as Kyojuro’s body crumpled and he fell to the ground.

“Rengokusan!” You ran over to him and dropped to your knees. His eyes overflowed with tears and his face clenched with agony. This man who was always so strong, so jovial, so encouraging now kneeled on the ground while his hands desperately tried to wipe away his flood of tears.

“Kyojuro it’s me, I’m here I promise!” You said as you gripped his shoulder. Still he continued to cry, not even acknowledging your existence. He set his hands on the grass away from his eyes to steady himself, when he did, you noticed a letter sitting in front of his knees. It was the one Tengen sent out to the hashira announcing your wedding, it was tear soaked and crumpled.

Then Kyojuro spoke.

“Why? Why did I let this happen? (Y/n) was so close.”’ Then more tears burst from his eyes and he seemed to sink lower into himself as his hands quickly made their way back up to his face.

You had let go of him now, your hands trembled as you watched this horrible scene play out in front of you. Kyojuro was on his knees begging for you and there wasn’t anything you could do except watch.

The sky began to blacken, the storm had grown stronger and closer. The wind is now swaying both you and Kyojuro as it blows hard and fast. You looked to the sky and sharp rain speckled your face once again, the clouds boiled and rumbled while archs of bright red lightning snapped across the mass.

Then you turned to Kyojuro. Still paralyzed from heartache, he kneeled and sobbed even more uncontrollably.

You ran back to him, and clutched him from behind. His back heaved from the ragged breaths he was inhaling.

“It’s not safe here, we need to go!” You pleaded and yet he remained. Your arms wrapped tightly around his torso, he continued to sob even as the rain started to pour.

“Kyojuro please!” You screamed, the storm now relenting its strength upon you both.

The sky turned from grey to red in an instant. Everything seemed to slow as you watched as the sparkling red tip of lightning made contact with Kyojuro’s back. You saw how the lightning spread from muscles to veins to nerves in a fraction of a millisecond. His entire body clenched from the electricity and tips of his hair caught fire. It was terrifying, terrible, and horrible but you couldn’t pull your eyes away.

Then the pop of electricity and the shaking of the earth followed next. You were flung from Kyojuro and landed several feet away. His body laid limp on the ground before you, smoke rose above him.

“Kyojuro!”

————————————————————————

The sound of a heavy door being closed jolted you awake. Immediately you jumped and scanned the room. Instead of being in the midst of a violent storm, you were in your room at the Tengen estate chained together and gagged. You looked to where the noise that had awoken you came from, Uzui stood next to the badly battered door and was examining it closely.

“Impressive! When the girls told me that you managed to put holes through the door and almost escaped I didn’t believe them.” Uzui said as he nonchalantly strolled across the room admiring the scrapes, dents, holes, and all around damage you did.

“Impressive indeed, but not flashy in the sense that you were trying to leave me.” He said as he turned towards you. His white hair flowing around his handsome features. He wore a red yukata, his face absent of his usual makeup and jewels.

Tengen strolled towards you and bent down, so close you could feel his hot breath against your skin.

“Am I not fulfilling my role as a husband, (Y/n)?” He asked with his signature smirk, his eyes glazed over your restrained form. You only stared at him and silently tried to squeeze out of the tight cuffs around your wrist. Your mouth was stuffed with fabric.

“I can only assume that since you attempted to escape that you want to leave us. Can you tell me why?” He asked.

After a short time of him eyeing you, he reached behind your head and untied your homemade gag.

“I’ll ask again, why do you want to leave, (Y/n)?” He asked as he crouched in front of you and wiped the spit that had spilled onto your chin.

“I want to go home, Tengen. I don’t want to get married anymore, I-” you said before the thought of Kyojuro stopped you.

You knew it was a dream, still it was horrible to see Rengoku in such anguish. You felt the need to get to him burning inside your heart, but you couldn’t let anyone else know as that would bring troubles all their own.

Regardless, you had to find him. You had to make sure he was okay even if he wasn’t.

Even if your dream had been conjured out of your own lustful and arrogant mind, you had to know he was okay.

“Finish.” Uzui said in a threatening tone.

“What?” You asked looking back into his eyes.

“Finish what you were saying.” His words were like stone, they sent a feeling of dread through you.

“I already told you, I want to go home! I don’t want to marry you, I want to return to my old life!” You yelled in his face.

The quietest wisps of anger flashed through his eyes. He took a deep breath and stood up.

“Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen. You accepted my marriage proposal, and your things have been returned Master Ubuyashiki. He wished us well on our new future together.”

He continued,

“But because you defied my rules, attempted to escape, destroyed part of our home, and scared Hinatsuru, Suma, and Makio, I have no choice but to punish you.”

Then he bent down once more.

“You will learn not to defy me.” He spoke into the shell of your ear. Goosebumps rose on your skin.

“Remember just who you belong to.” He whispered one last time before getting up and walking towards the mangled door.

“You will stay in here for another couple days, and when I think you’ve had enough the girls will come clean you. Then we can start on your real punishment.” Tengen said as he reached for the door knob.

Before Tengen could open the door and walk out he turned to you one last time and said,

“Oh and one more thing, Kyojuro seemed overjoyed at the news of our wedding! In fact I think he shed a few tears.”

Uzui wore a sinister grin as he left you alone to stay in the dark.

————————————————————————-

Time lost all meaning while you were locked inside the room.

The only way you knew it was day and night was by the sound of Tengen and the girls rustling and talking. Then at night things would return to being deathly silent, only the sounds of your own breathing and the flow of your blood to keep you occupied.

But as the days passed you took notice of how your senses began to heighten. You could easily distinguish everyone’s voice, footsteps and even breaths.

Hinatsuru walked with a purpose, her steps confident and prideful.

Makio walked with vigor, her steps were strong and powerful.

Suma was cautious and clumsy.

The hardest to detect were that of Tengen’s, they were quiet, almost indistinguishable. Still you found that even when he visited your room late at night the floor boards would ever so silently give under his weight.

He visited you often, and although he said nothing to you, you knew he was there. Observing through the cracked door every night.

“Don’t you think (Y/n) has been in there long enough?” Your ears perked at the sudden sound of conversation.

“It’s been days, Makio!” The shrill voice that spoke had to have been that of Suma’s.

“You know the rules, Suma. We have to wait until Lord Tengen is ready.” The voice of Makio replied in return.

‘Brilliant…’ You thought to yourself, impressed by your new skills.

You have been the topic of many conversations among the four lately. Mostly between the girls as to how long Tengen was going to keep you confined, but Tengen brought you up himself the other night to Hinatsuru. He had asked what she thinks you will be like when he finally lets you out. Hinatsuru replied that she thinks your “attitude” will have improved greatly, and you will be more willing to live a life of comfort under the protection of Tengen. She also mentioned that you would cling to Tengen and beg him to love you as fear is a powerful aphrodisiac. You heard Tengen’s breathy laugh as a response. No doubt that the idea of you throwing yourself on him was a pleasant one in his mind.

Not a moment too soon after the conversation between Suma and Makio did you hear Hinatsuru’s voice, she brought good news.

“Lord Tengen has decided that (Y/n) will be let out tomorrow. Although I don’t think they would harm anyone, nor have the strength to, we need to keep our guard up just in case. Don’t get too close, and don’t let your eyes off them. The chances for escape are high if they get loose.” Hinatsuru said, addressing the two other girls.

“What do we need to do?” Makio asked.

“All three of us will handle them tomorrow. They will be cleaned and dressed, then Lord Tengen would like to spend some time alone with them. As of right now Lord Tengen thinks it best if they have some water.” Hinatsuru finished.

“Yes!” Replied both Suma and Makio.

You heard Suma and Makio run outside to fetch some water from the well, your body couldn’t help but shudder at the thought of water. You were so thirsty, your throat tight and coarse from the lack of moisture. And tomorrow, you would have your chains removed.

It was nice to think you’d be able to be comfortable again.

Unfortunately you wouldn’t be able to rest for quite some time as this was only the beginning of your perils. Maybe not tomorrow and maybe not the next day, but you would escape. Anyone that stood in your way would face your wrath tenfold, spilling blood was not ideal but it would not become an obstacle. Even if that meant the blood of Lord Tengen himself.

Several minutes passed and then you heard the pattering of excited feet approach your door. All went quiet before the door gently opened, and in walked Suma with a tall cup of water.

The light from outside the room illuminated your body, you sat with your back against the wall, arms and legs chained tightly together.

Suma gasped seeing the state you were, dirty and covered in your own dried blood. You looked up her squinting as your eyes were not used to brightness.

“Um, I-I brought you some water!” She chirped, cup in her hand lightly shook as she trembled.

“Lord Tengen said you can come out tomorrow, and uh-he said you need to drink something too!” Her voice unsteady as she approached you cautiously.

You watched as she got closer, the whole while she shivered and shook because of your appearance. She knelt down and placed the cup in front of your feet.

You looked up at her again, tears were starting to rise in her eyes.

“Do I frighten you, Suma?” You asked in a horridly raspy voice. Suma seemed to flinch at your sudden question, because since Hinatsuru drugged and chained you, you had not uttered a word.

“N-no! You don’t!” She replied with a quiver in her voice.

“I love you, Suma.” You said as you reached for the cup and brought it to your mouth.

The clear cool liquid ran down your throat with ease. It was a glorious rain after a drought, never in your life had you experienced such pleasure from such a simple thing. As you continued to drink your body began to rehydrate and come back to life. Your muscles would stop cramping and maybe you could rest better that night.

You set the cup back at the end of your feet and returned to leaning your back against the wooden wall. Soon you would become nauseous from the amount of water you just consumed and how quickly. It would take everything in you not to vomit.

Suma quickly snatched the cup from the floor and fled back to the entrance. She turned and looked at you with tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I-I love you too.”

————————————————————————-

Morning came and you sat patiently awaiting your release. First Tengen arose in the morning, then Suma, Makio, and Hinatsuru followed. A short conversation was had which ended with Tengen announcing his departure, he would be back that evening and he expects to see you ready. The girls agreed and wished him well as he left.

After a bit of chatting all three of the girls approached your room. Hinatsuru opened the door to which Makio and Suma walked in first. Hinatsuru followed behind and then walked in front of the girls.

“We are going to unchain you. If you resist or try to run you’ll receive another sedative. It is in your best interest that we ask you not to give us any trouble.” Hinatsuru said with a hint of compassion in her voice. Although at times she seemed indifferent with you, you knew she loved you, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation.

She signaled to Suma and Makio, both went to either side of you and began to fiddle with your cuffs around your wrist. Hinatsuru knelt in front of you and unchained your ankles.

They freed you from your heavy chains and they let you be as you stretched and rubbed the raw spots that had formed because of them. After your muscles had gotten accustomed to not being restrained, Suma and Makio helped you off the floor. You balanced on unsteady legs, they were weak and sore. Even standing proved to be strenuous.

One step at a time the four of you shuffled into the bathroom, Suma and Makio held you up by either arm. In the bathroom, the large tub steamed with warm water and the scent of lavender filled the room.

You caught sight of yourself in the reflection of the water and my were you ghastly! Your skin pale with a slight grey hue. Your eyes sunken and purple. Your hair was an unruly mess. Your wrist and ankles were littered with bruises, some of which evolved into festering sores. Not to mention your hands still bore the injuries you sustained from punching through the door.

You laughed hoarsely and smiled.

“Easy on the eyes, am I not?” You asked while you continued to look at your reflection.

The room went deathly silent, then a stifled giggle escaped Suma’s lips. A second after Makio snorted and Hinatsuru squeaked. Hearing their reaction warmed your heart, it was nice that you were able to have a tender moment. Even if it were the last.

Gently you submerged yourself in the tub and took in the ecstasy that was from laying in warm water. Your aching body turned to mush as you sank further down. The girls let you relax for a bit before they washed your body and hair. You couldn’t deny that it felt heavenly being so clean again, and being pampered like you were made it that much better.

After you were thoroughly washed, the girls helped you out of the tub and assisted in drying you off. Then you were dressed in the silkiest yukata, it was a pale green with iris printed all along the sleeves. This was a luxury piece of clothing, such things you never got used to was the amount of high valued items Tengen purchased and dressed you in. You examined it closely.

“Is this new?” You asked Hinatsuru, to which she glanced over and realized you were talking about the yukata.

“Hmm? Oh yes, Tengen bought it not long after he came home. He thinks the color would look good on you.” She replied nonchalantly as she painted your toenails. The white paint matched those of the iris on your yukata.

“When will Tengen be home?” You questioned further.

She without looking answered,

“Soon.”

You left the conversation at that and waited patiently for your nails to dry.

————————————————————————-

You were washed, scrubbed, dressed, and brushed. At that moment you looked like a new person and you felt like a new person. You didn’t feel like your old self, instead now you felt as if you had grown and matured. To your credit the past few days had been quite stressful to say the least. But now you relaxed and sat comfortably on the floor, with a small cup of tea in your hands. You knew tonight was long from over, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t enjoy a peaceful moment when the chance presented itself.

Hours filled with light conversation and the consumption of tea were ended by the sound of the shoji door being slid open. Hinatsuru, Makio, and Suma stood from their seated positions and went to greet Tengen. You stayed seated in the living room and awaited instruction. Greetings were had and Tengen spoke with the girls. You chose not to listen as you were far too enthralled by the jasmine tea Hinatsuru had prepared for you.

What captured your attention was that of Suma and Makio barreling through the hall and back into the living room. Suma squealed and jumped joyfully as she stood in the doorway.

“(Y/n)! Tengen says he will need to speak with you in a few minutes!” She yelled cheerfully. You looked up at her and smiled.

‘This is far too painful’. You thought to yourself as you watched her elated actions. Painful in the sense that once this evening came, things would never be the same. And part of you mourned the loss of those previous times. You were happy with them at one time, but now things had changed and so had you. Part of yourself even blamed this situation on your own actions, maybe if you hadn’t acted so coy. Maybe if you just had been honest with yourself, you wouldn’t be here. Wouldn’t be here and cause all of the heartache you were about to.

You chanted a small prayer in your mind. One Gyomie Himejima taught you to call upon devas from the heavens to protect those you love.

Then Hinatsuru appeared from the hallway, she walked in and held open her hand. You reached up and clasped your hand around hers, together the two of you walked down and to the bedroom. You already assumed he would be waiting for you behind the paper door, still the whole strangeness of it all made you anxious.

Hinatsuru turned to you and smiled, in her eyes you saw the faintest bit of forgiveness. She seemed like she already knew how tonight was going to end, but she forgave you. Deep down inside she knew that you weren’t going to stay, they only made your spirit stronger from the way they had treated you.

She slid the door open, and ushered you inside. She closed the door and then you heard her sigh as she walked down the hall, into the living room.

You turned around and your eyes fell upon Tengen. He stood in the corner of the room lighting the lanterns that hung from the ceiling.

He wore only a thin tunic and his hair was pulled into its usual style. You had forgotten how massive Tengen actually was, you watched as he turned from the lanterns and walked towards you, his size alone made your throat tighten with anxiety. He stopped in front of you. His hand slipped under your chin and titled your head upwards. You looked at him with soft (e/c) eyes, his were full of excitement.

“You have no idea of how much I missed you.” Tengen whispered while your eyes were still locked. He bent down and captured your lips in his, his hand snuck around your back and pushed you into his embrace. Although your nerves were on edge and you could feel your heart pounding you kissed him back. You let him move you while he passionately embraced you, your hands on his muscular chest.

His kisses trailed from lips down your neck, he groaned when he felt you lean into him for more.

“Am I pleasing you, (Y/n)?” He asked, placing sloppy kisses all around your collarbone. His hands began to wander your body. You couldn’t deny his touch, it melted you. You moaned breathlessly when his hands found your waist, he wasn’t meaning to grip you so hard but his lust took over.

Soon you were on your back with Tengen snugly positioned in between your legs. He held your head up with his left hand, with his right he gripped your waist and lifted it slightly to meet his. He drug his clothed length up and down your slit. So sinfully he rutted his hips into you. Your body caved to the pleasure and an all too familiar coil began to tighten in your abdomen.

“Tengen, please-ah, keep going.” You moaned.

“That’s it, tell me how good I’m making you feel. Tell me how much you love me.” He said through heavy breathes as he quickened his pace.

“Fuck-you’re making me feel so good.” You replied feeling the coil tighten even more.

Then just as he started, he sat up and you whined from the sudden loss of friction.

“Don’t think you are getting off so easily, your punishment has only just begun.” He said as he removed his yukata.

He lowered himself back over you now, his lips connected with the soft flesh of your neck. As he did, his hands ran the length of your body. They stopped and cupped your breast harshly.

“Ah-fuck, Tengen!” You moaned, his lips moved from your neck and latched on your nipple. You could hear his groans as he teased you even harder.

“That’s it baby, call my name. Let me hear how good I’m making you feel.” Tengen said, his voice full of lust.

You watched as he pinned your arms above your head with only a singular hand. With his other he untied the knot that held your yukata together.

“After tonight, I won’t ever have to remind you about who you belong to. Maybe if you behave, I’ll let you cum.” Tengen said as ripped the yukata the rest of the way off. You were completely bare now, and Tengen smiled wildly as his fingers began to trace the outside of your soaked underwear.

————————————————————————-

Your body ached and your vision was hazy. Your cheek stuck to Tengen’s sweaty skin as his chest heaved. You desperately tried to catch your breath as well, you were so spent after the things Tengen put you through. He used and filled you up for hours, the insides of your legs were sensitive and sticky. He degraded you with his words while he ruthlessly pounded into you, in the same breath he worshiped you.

“Dirty fucking slut, look at you, so fucking desperate for this dick…Shit, you take me so well, so fucking tight.” He said as his cock was nestled deep inside your hole.

But now he laid breathlessly on the bed with his arms wrapped firmly around your naked body. He pressed soft kisses against your head.

This evening was exciting, and even more pleasurable. Unfortunately, this charade had gone on long enough, and it is time for you to leave. You wish you could lay here just a little while longer and pretend that everything is alright. But you know deep down inside it’s not and it never will be; you’d never truly be happy like this.

‘If only things had been different.’ You thought to yourself as you sat up and straddled Tengen’s hips. He looked at you with the most loving eyes. His thumb rubbed the soft skin of your thigh. His gentle actions broke your heart.

“Lord Tengen?” You said looking down at him with your bright smile and bubbly voice.

“Yes, my love?” He asked as he continued to touch you tenderly.

“Would it be alright if I went to get some water from the kitchen?” You asked eagerly.

He smiled and sighed.

“Although I’d much rather keep you here in bed with me, I know you are probably exhausted at this point. Find Suma and Makio first. Then I want all four of you to come to bed.” He said as he admired your naked form sitting in his lap.

You stood up and scanned the room for something to wear, then you spotted his yukata he had worn several hours before. You walked over to it and picked it up from the floor.

“Can I wear your yukata, Lord Tengen? Pretty please!” You begged in the softest voice you could.

He chuckled as he watched you wrap yourself with the fabric.

“Be careful, it’s long on you.” He said before nodding his head.

You thanked him and excused yourself from the room.

Your nerves were on fire now. This was the beginning of the end. The end of this horrible nightmare. After tonight you’d be able to go home, and more importantly to Kyojuro.

During the days you spent in isolation, Kyojuro was the only thought on your mind. His words, his actions, his smile, you thought of all of it. At the beginning, you had only thought of Kyojuro as a close friend, but with time locked away and only your mind to keep you company, you realized that Kyojuro loved you all along. He was so desperate for your attention yet you were oblivious to his nature. While locked away you realized your love for him too, and it only grew stronger by hour.

‘I’ll be there soon, Kyojuro.’ You thought as you entered the kitchen.

Their Makio and Suma sat talking.

You walked towards the bucket that held the water that came from the well. The bucket had been emptied to make tea and now sat dry.

“Makio, Suma, would you help me go outside and get some water?” You asked to which they both obliged.

Together you three walked from inside, out on to the engawa, and down the steps to the well.

“Thank you, I really appreciate you two coming to help me.” You said as you stood next to Suma.

“Of course, (Y/n)!” Suma replied.

“Here let me get it, the bucket gets heavy.” Makio replied. You handed her the pail and returned to standing next to Suma.

Makio tied the loose rope to the metal handle of the bucket, then she slowly lowered it into the well. After a couple minutes she pulled it back up. She had been right, the bucket was awfully heavy as her arms were straining to pull it back up.

Once back at the top of the well, she lifted it over the edge onto the grass beside it.

Immediately you chimed in.

“Hey, I’ll carry it inside. I think it’ll do me some good to get my muscles back in shape!”

Makio backed up and watched you lift it from the ground. Water sloshed out of either side.

“Makio you were right! This is heavy!” You said, and as Makio turned to reply you threw the entirety of water in the bucket at her face. Instantly, you ripped the rope from the handle, wrapped it around both of your fists and threw your arms over Suma’s head.

When Makio cleared her eyes of water, she was met with a terrifying sight. You stood behind Suma with the rope placed tightly against her neck.

“I want both of you to listen to me very carefully.” You said with a deathly serious tone. Makio froze and watched as Suma began to cry and tremble. Her fingers wrapped against the rope so she could breathe.

“Suma, you know I love you, right?” You asked her. She nodded quickly as tears streaked down her face.

“And I never want to hurt you, right?” You asked her again, and she nodded.

“If you listen to my instructions, and do exactly what I tell you then I won’t hurt you, understand?” You replied and she nodded once again. You placed a soft kiss on her cheek; she began to sob.

“Makio, I want you to go get me Tengen’s swords. And don’t alert Hinatsuru or Tengen.” You said to her and she immediately ran inside.

You stood outside and tried to comfort Suma the best you could, yet she continued to shiver and sob.

Seconds later Makio returned with swords in hand, her eyes wide and her face anxious.

“Set them in front of Suma’s feet.” You ordered coldly. Makio obediently set them in front of Suma, to which you bent down and retrieved them.

Now armed with swords you replaced the rope that was held around Suma’s throat, with a blade. When Suma felt the sharp edge press very lightly into her skin she began to scream.

Not a second passed by before Tengen and Hinatsuru were on the engawa. Their eyes wide as they watched your movements, only after a few terrifying seconds did they regain the ability to speak.

“(Y/n), wha-what are you doing?” Hinatsuru asked as her hands subconsciously brought themselves up to cover her mouth in shock. Her voice sounded fragile and weak.

“Nobody moves!” You yelled and placed the blade closer into Suma’s neck.

“Oh no! Tengen!” Hinatsuru yelled. She turned to Tengen who wore only his undergarments. The shock of it all rendered him speechless and he leaned against the door frame to support his weight. Hinatsuru ran to him and began to cry into his chest. Makio stood frozen in fear as she watched you and Suma slowly retreat further into the yard.

“Nobody moves off of that engawa till you see Suma return. Failure to comply with these demands will result in the spilling of her blood.” You said as you crept back further. Suma coughed and wailed.

“Please, please just do what (Y/n) asks! Please!” She called out to them. And still they stood frozen.

You continued walking backwards till you were several meters into the woods that surround the Tengen estate.

“Shhhh, shh, Suma, hey it’s okay.” You said to her as you removed the sword from her neck. A thin red line showed where it had been resting, she was inconsolably. She reminded you of a small child, the way her hands covered her eyes and she seemed cower into herself as she cried. The sight tore your heart in two, you quickly wrapped your arms around her. She buried her head in your chest and hugged you back.

“Suma…wait 10 minutes after I leave and then go back home. It's best that you plead with them not to follow me.” You said.

You rested your chin on top of her head and ran your hand over her hair.

“I wish things had been different.” You spoke as you broke away from her. You placed one final kiss on her forehead before you left and sprinted deep into the woods.

————————————————————————-

Your feet pounded against the earth, your muscles tore, your lungs burned. Your entire body felt as if we’re going to collapse at any moment but you pushed on. You focused your breathing, your muscles exerted as much power as they possibly could.

‘Kyojuro..’ your mind whispered.

Your knees faltered and your feet bled.

‘Kyojuro…’

Your vision blurred and your breaths were shallow.

‘Kyojuro…’

The trees blended together and the landscape distorted.

‘Kyojuro…’

You ran until you couldn’t anymore, and when you couldn’t run you crawled. And when you crawled the skin on your hands and knees gave way, a trail of fresh blood followed behind you.

Lights appeared in the distance. They were that of a large home; his home.

You used the last bit of strength your body could muster to stand. You intended to finish the last stretch of your journey walking, you stumbled forward and drug your injured feet through the dirt, one in front of the other.

You limped all the way to the front gates, there your body gave in and you fell to the ground muttering out Kyojuro’s name before ultimately passing out.

————————————————————————

The sound of birds and the smell of fresh tea roused from your slumber. It wasn’t until you heard the clattering of glasses did you fully wake. You jumped out of bed with a gasp and looked around you. You laid in a futon in the corner of a large room, you looked to see a startled much smaller version of Kyojuro standing some feet away holding a tray of cups. You looked down to see you were covered in medical wrappings from head to toe, you were perhaps a bit more injured than you first thought.

“You must Senjuro, right? Kyojuro’s little brother?” You asked and the young boy only nodded nervously.

“Well it’s nice to meet you, I’m sorry we had to meet in such unpleasant circumstances, nevertheless, allow me to introduce myself, I’m (Y/n).” You said as you extended your hand and smiled brightly. Senjuro’s face fell from nervous to concerned in an instant.

“Ah! (Y/n)! My brother said you aren’t supposed to get up, you are too hurt! Lay back down!” Senjuro yelled as he hurriedly shoved back into your bed.

“Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to worry you! Hey speaking of your brother. Where is he right now?” You asked.

Senjuro scooted beside you and began inspecting your bandages in case they needed to be redressed. He shook his head and replied,

“Um, I’m not sure exactly. Last night dad came inside and said there was a dead person laying in the yard. Kyojuro went out and then brought you inside, then he dressed your wounds. After that he mumbled about having to go take care of something and that he would be back before tomorrow evening.” Senjuro said as he gently rewrapped your wrist.

“Oh, I see…” You replied.

Then as if on cue the memories flooded back into your mind. You had collapsed in front of the Rengoku estate, Shinjuro Rengoku had your fall and came to inspect. There he found you laying face down in the dirt while your wounds bled profusely. He came in and told Kyojuro of the situation. Next thing you remembered was Kyojuro's blissful tears as he carried you inside. From that point, he washed your wounds and dressed them tenderly. He whispered words of love and how he knew you too were going to be reunited once again. Then a more troubling memory resurfaced. It’s was faded and hard to remember, but you could distantly recall Kyojuro’s voice,

“My darling spiderlily, now that I have you, I’ll never lose you again…”

#demon slayer requests #hashira x reader #demon slayer x reader #hashira headcannons #kny uzui #demon slayer #yandere kyojuro rengoku #rengoku x y/n #yander rengoku #yandere uzui #yandere uzui tengen #uzui smut #uzui tengen x reader #uzui x y/n #tengen x you #tengen smut #tengen uzui x reader

[otomes-world]

"Under fantasy disguise" part Savanaclaw

Okay, new chapter! It is slightly shorter than the previous one as there is almost no yandere theme at all.. unless, of course, you count the petty Leona as well.

You let out an excruciatingly drawn-out moan, feeling the touch on your face. Opening your heavy eyelids, you tried to focus on the huge gray patch above. After a while, you realized that this blob was Grimm, who all this time was trying to bring yoursef to your senses.

"Henchman, you're awake!" The cat's voice rang in your ears, making you wince.

"...how long?.."

You would be surprised at how quiet your voice sounded if it were not for dryness in throat. However, the cat understood you, "After Riddle went into berserk mode, the sun went down and only recently rose."

In other words, it was about a day since you'd reached your conclusion. You didn't know how high you fell from, but because of the pain in your whole body, it was enough to unsettle you. Closing your eyes, you tried to recall the recent events. In general, you did not remember anything new. More precisely, it could be said that you had completely ceased to navigate in time.

"..water.."

Luckily, Grimm, while you were unconscious, filled a bottle of water somewhere, which you managed to grab from Heartslabyul. Wetting your throat, you held it back and then tried to sit up. The whole body protested against this, but with your efforts and the efforts of the cat, you were able to do it. Not for long. Your strength left you and you collapsed. Looks like Ace wasn't kidding when he talked about the area between the lake and the desert. When going forward was not an option and returning back wasn`t either. Who knew that this problem would overtake you at the very beginning of the journey.

However, you had no other option but to move forward.

After taking a few deep breaths, you reached for the bag, which held its shape by only miracle. Not a single whole cookie was left inside the jar, although the fact that it did not turn into a sweet crumb was already luck in itself. The most important thing - the map - remained intact, though not unscathed. The paper was torn and hung at the folds, but with careful handling you could still use it. At least the image itself didn't suffer that much.

Grabbing some snag that used to be a flowering bush, you rose to your feet and immediately bent at the knees. Hmm.. it was not how you imagined your life in the future to be. Taking a rather long and dense stick in your hands as a support, you again sank down to catch your breath and look at the map.

With trembling fingers, you carefully unfolded it on the ground and, together with Grimm, tried to combine what you saw with the stories of the guys. Pale blue around you described as water, and something incomprehensibly marsh-colored as forest. To be honest, it tell you absolutely nothing. You had no idea where you were. Sighing, you folded the map again and tucked it back into your bag. It could still be useful.

Suddenly you caught a sound out of the corner of your ear, as if someone was coming right up to you. As if someone was simultaneously testing you, but at the same time not trying to hide. Remembering a brief description of the locals, you tensed. After everything you encountered before - in a beautiful garden - you were scared to imagine what could await you here. Holding the bag close to you, even though there was nothing useful in it, you and Grimm, who did not understand the reason for your change of mood, prepared for the worst.

This `worst` was a huge wolf.

Perhaps he was a normal size, but this fact did not brighten up the situation. You forgot how to breathe without taking your eyes off the beast, which in turn looked back at you in the same way. At some point, it seemed to you that his eyes were just like human ones. Rave, you thought. Wolves were smart animals, but not that...

"What are you doing here?" The wolf asked... the wolf asked? You doubted your adequacy, but no, the same voice was heard, although the mouth of the animal did not open. However, you could have sworn that the voice was not in your head. "Who are you?"

"Nya! The w-w-wolf is talking!" Your thoughts were voiced by a talking cat, whom you allowed to negotiate instead of yourself.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder, the next moment a tall, slightly disheveled young man with hair the color of a wolf's fur was looking at you. He was wearing a bright yellow T-shirt, over which was a gray vest and a necklace of large beads, regular pants and high boots. Everything would be fine if animal ears didn’t flaunt on his head, and a tail flashed from behind his back.

Seeing that you were unable to get up, he sat down, but even so he continued to tower over you. Still his action calmed you down a bit. Apparently he didn't mean to hurt you. Not now, at least. It gave you some confidence to try saying something.

"..where are we?" You had a hunch, but you still asked the obvious question to confirm your guess.

"In Savanaclaw"

Just as you thought, so the answer didn't surprise you as much as it could. However, you didn't think that territories were so close to each other, since one fall was enough to cross the border. It was exhilarating and stressful at the same time. On the one hand, the journey became a little easier, but on the other one, you still had to solve the problem, patiently sitting next to you and waiting for an answer.

There was nothing to do, so you decided to briefly tell your story, hoping that this would be enough.

"My friend and I are traveling.." you thought for a second. "..for various reasons. Before that, we were in Heartslabyul, but something happened, so we had to hastily continue the journey. We don`t intend to harm anyone or wish evil" You could even say that everyone around you wanted it to you. "If you just tell us which direction to go, we won't stay longer then necessary. Just don't send us back."

He was a silent for a moment, but contrary to your fears, he did not refuse you, "We do not interfere in the affairs of other territories. As soon as you left the land, you ceased to have anything to do with it." Despite the roughly chosen words you coud feel notes of understanding in them. "Jack," seeing your confusion, he added. "Jack Howl. That's my name"

You nodded, "It's a Grimm, and I-..."

"How do you do it? Are you a wizard? The Great Grimm wants to know!"

You didn’t have time to finish, you were interrupted by a cat who suddenly showed interest, as soon as the wolf guy stopped showing hostility. He jumped out of your hands and proudly, propping up his furry sides with his paws, looked at Jack. However, young man was not very impressed by the actions of the cat, so he looked at you again.

"You can't cross the border alone," he said simply, as if stating a fact. "Others don't like strangers."

"And you?.."

"I prefer to trust my intuition. You're not dangerous, so you can't survive here," after thinking for a moment, Howl added. "Ruggie knows more, but he won't help, not just like that. I can take you to him, but you will negotiate yourself."

You didn’t need more, so you hastened to agree.

Looking at you once more, Jack left and returned with a stronger and straighter stick, which was easier to walk on. You noticed that despite his great height and formidable appearance, he was kind. Like a nasty older brother, with whom you constantly quarrel, but despite this get along very well. Grimm, by the way, liked the new acquaintance, he kept trying to find out the secret of the transformation, but could not. You, too, were interested, you did not bother Jack. You didn't want him to change his mind about helping you, because he was right about one thing: you couldn't survive on your own.

The sun had just risen, but you could already feel the rising temperature and the harshness of the climate. You constantly wanted to clear throat and drink water, which you hadn`t much. The bottle was already half empty, and there was still a long way to go. Who knew where you would be able to restock. Reality once again reminded of itself, repeating, this was not a dream. Pain in the body after the blow, scratches on the hands - if this was not sufficient evidence, then what was.

You slowed down. Walking leaning on a stick was difficult, especially in your current state. The ears on Jack's head twitched slightly, and he stopped. Was the young man really listening to your steps and adjusting his? Turning around, he held out his hand without a word. At first you didn't understand what he meant until he looked at the bag. Guessing right, you took it off your shoulder and put it in his outstretched palm. Seeing with what ease he picked it up, you became envious. NIt was nothing, you reassured yourself, you need to rest a bit and you could do the same.

Continuing on without a burden, you allowed yourself to look around. Everywhere were yellow, in some places cracked earth from lack of moisture. Stones, as if scattered around, were here and there. Bushes and trees, although not as lush as you had seen them before, diluted the picture, attracting a tired look. At some point, you noticed that instead of one plant you see two, then three. Turning your head to Howl, you noted that there were two of him too.

Losing consciousness, the last thing you remember was his surprised face.

Hot.

It was unbearably stuffy. You fidgeted, trying to catch breeze to take a deep breath, clearing the dust from your lungs, but instead you felt something cold and wet land on your forehead. This cooled the heat inside a little, and you fell back to sleep.

When you opened your eyes for the second time, you realized that the veil had fallen, and the usual clarity returned to your thoughts. Raising your hand to your face, you touched the rough fabric on your forehead, which had already become warm. As you removed it, you turned your head, trying to figure out where you were. Apparently, you were in some kind of room: gray stone walls, a wooden ceiling and a small window as a light source. A small table with a chair on which stood a warthog. Another familiar analogy with your world.

Pulling off the blanket you were covered with, you lowered your legs and stepped on the floor, trying to reach the door. Carefully turning the handle, you were surprised to find a whole system of passages and wooden suspension bridges. As soon as you stepped outside, it became easier to breathe, or so it seemed to you, because the stuffiness and dryness in the air did not disappear.

Approaching a kind of fence in the form of an ordinary rope, you looked down and felt dizzy again. You didn’t fly down, someone grabbed you by the collar from behind and pulled you back. Landing on the floor, you cleared your throat. Blinking back tears, you noticed pairs of feet. Raising your head, you saw a blonde of small stature, who, propping up his side with one hand, looked at you with a mockery. His clothes were similar to those worn by Jack. The only difference was a yellow scarf.

"Aah, the kitten decided to volunteer to be prey? Kshi-shi-shi," the youth raised his hand to his mouth and characteristically laughed.

You were slightly offended by his attitude, but then you remembered Jack's words, "Could it be that you...Ruggie?"

"So you know me, so be it," he spread his hands. "Go back before someone else finds you. I'll call Jack."

Perhaps you were still under the impression of a possible fall that you silently nodded and obediently returned to the room. Who would have thought that space could be so scary. It always inspired you with a sense of freedom, but here, on the contrary, it put you at a disadvantage.

Luckily, you didn't have to wait long. The door soon opened again and Jack showed up in the doorway, carrying your bag, with that rude guy Ruggie. Gratefully taking it and placing it on your lap, you looked at the wolf in anticipation. You didn't know exactly what you wanted to know, or if you wanted to, so you just left the choice to Howl. He sank down next to a colorful small carpet in front of the bed on which you were sitting, and, after thinking a little, began to speak.

"You got a fever, and I brought you here. Ruggie," the young man looked at the blond who was leaning against the table. "Take care of you. He understands this better than I do. We are in the heart of Savanaclaw."

Waving hand, "Under Leona's very nose. It's amazing you hadn't been caught yet, but it's only a matter of time. And since you're conscious," he suddenly extended his hand towards you in a significant gesture. "Jack paid me to take care of you, but he mentioned that you need a guide. My services aren`t cheap."

Well, you didn't expect someone to help you for nothing. However, that didn't mean you had anything worthwhile. You opened your bag and started rummaging through it, trying to find something. Pens, a pencil, an eraser, a notebook, a few candies that sank under the weight of other things, scissors, a bottle and a jar of cookies. Wait. It looked stupid, but you had no other choice. You took the jar and held it out, improvising as you went.

"These cookies are made by the best chef in Heartslabyul!" At least it wasn't an exaggeration. "...will it be enough?"

There was a silence, and you were already beginning to regret what was said, as the blond grabbed the jar and, weighing it in his hand, put it in the table locker.

To your uncomprehending look, he shrugged, "It doesn't look like you have anything more valuable. I already checked," before you put two and two together, he continued. "Disguise and you might even pass for a local." With these words, Ruggie went to the closet and pulled out another set of clothes, similar to the one he wore himself. Throwing to you pants, the same shirt and necklace that everyone here apparently wore, he left with Jack. "Get dressed and go out. We'll pick up your cat along the way and you could get out without becoming anyone's lunch."

After changing into a new outfit, you felt better, as it had become much easier to endure the heat. The fabric turned out to be pleasant to the touch and comfortable to wear, now it became clear why the locals preferred this style. You hugged yourself for a second and tried to calm yourself a little. You'd learned from past mistakes. No matter how peaceful everything around looked, now you knew how quickly things could change in the opposite direction. So, no matter what happened, you weren't going to stay anywhere longer than necessary.

It was a little stressful that you hadn't met the head of these lands yet, but if your meeting didn't take place, you wouldn't be too upset. Or rather, never at all. However, you were the winner in life, since of all the people in the world you won a ticket to the Other World. That's why you weren't surprised that when you went outside, you saw an unfamiliar figure, different from Ruggie and Jack. His skin was slightly darker, but the style of clothing was exactly the same as the one you were now wearing. However something was different, but you couldn't tell what it was. Might be it was the quality of the fabric, or might be it was the piercing green eyes and the long tail with a tassel at the end.

"You block the road"

You raised eyebrow, looking around. There was more than enough space. It would not have been difficult for you to move and give way if this person were not so rude. So you crossed your arms over your chest and looked at him defiantly.

"That`s how? I can say the same thing to you," you understood that it was stupid to stir up a quarrel with a stranger, but you were not in the best mood to endure rudeness.

The stranger frowned, burning you with his eyes, "Huh?"

You were ready to swear by anything that the already hot air almost sparkled with tension. You were a little scared by his aura, but you were not going to retreat.

"Head Leona!" Exclaimed Bucchi, who arrived on time and interrupted your game of staring. "What made you get up so early?"

Early? According to your assumptions, the sun had risen long ago, and lunchtime was long past. What time the person in front of you usually woke up, you were not interested. Why he still came out at an unusual time was another question. 

At the moment some fact came to you. Did he say the head.. Leona? Damn it. Mentally, you slapped yourself. Just you and your luck. Of all the possibilities, you fell out with someone you should have avoided at all costs in the first place.

"I picked up smells of two traitors who led an unfamiliar herbivore into my territory," you almost squirmed at his choice of words, but you held it in. If he also had some special ability, like Riddle, the last thing you wanted to experience it for yourself. Apparently, your reaction amused him. "Let's see how it is going to escape from the predators.. I dare you."

Throwing the last phrase, looking straight into your eyes, he left with a lazy unhurried gait. You looked questioningly at Ruggie, who no longer had that grin on his face, "That makes things harder. Oi, don't stand still," he called out to you in annoyance. "Plans are changing. Now you have about five minutes to get out of here, or.. bam! And you will have to pay me for organizing your funeral."

Whatever Ruggie said, his words set the right mood, because you, along with Jack and him, as well as Grimm, hurriedly ran somewhere. To be more precise, you just ran after, allowing them to lead you in an unknown direction. Did you believe them? You had no idea, but if they decided to betray you now, then you would be very unlucky. You barely had time to grab your bag when Jack jumped out from around the corner and the three of you, not counting the cat, left the building through seemingly endless passages.

You didn't meet anyone along the way, which confused you even more. As if everyone hid and waited on someone's orders. Whose exactly, you already guessed.

Yes, you were a little rude to the head, but that wasn't enough reason to make you the #1 target. On the one hand, you felt similar to the people of this world, and on the other hand, they acted as no sane person would ever act. Really, why the moral principles of the local inhabitants were so different from yours. A loud lion's roar from somewhere above cooled your insides. Looks like your time was up.

You hadn't fully recovered yet, and running was hard for you, but fear was enough fuel to open up a second wind. Sweat flowed in a hail, covering your eyes, and lungs seemed to clog with sand. However, you did not stop for a second, because after a while you really heard the sounds of the chase. It all started imperceptibly, with a barely noticeable trembling of the earth, which you attributed to your imagination. Then you started to imagine a roar behind you, but from the seriousness of Jack's face you understand that it was true. As calluses on the legs, and a voice escaping from the throat, in the form of a wheeze, and possible death.

Before Heartslabyul, you didn't think about it. No matter how hard it was, the old woman with the scythe seemed too distant. However now you could feel her breath on your neck more and more clearly. You still planned to return home, finish reading the very book that you kept putting off. Complete the game for which you always hadn`t time. If your journey would end here, then...

You shook your head. You didn't want to think about it.

"Aah! Hold on, just a little more!" Ruggie's voice sounded muffled, as if in a vacuum.

You felt how fast your strength was fading away. As probably everyone around. Before you could cough up your own lungs, and the muscles, unable to withstand the tension, stretched like strings and tore, you, on the verge of consciousness, felt the blond grab your hand and forcefully throw you somewhere. Having come into contact with the water with your whole body, you stretched out your hands to the surface, afraid of drowning. Choking, you saw the backs of the guys moving away in the opposite direction and the sonorous voice of Bucchi, "I`ll get my payment when you`ll become rich and famous."

Fighting the rapid current of the river became unbearable and you let it carry you away.

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst oneshot #twst fic #twisted wonderland x reader #yandere twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #fantasy au #savanaclaw #twst ruggie #twst leona #twst jack

[the-s1lly-corner]

Eyeless Jack with fem S/O who is fan of Legend of Zelda series as S/O tries to get him be as BOTW Link as S/O as BOTW Zelda? 🦋

S/O trying to get EJ to cosplay BOTW with her!

obligatory ive never really touched a LoZ games or series outside of like. the ben drowned crp but i doubt that counts since its a fan made story !! so this is mostly going to be like, vague stuff since i have next to no clue of the games' contents so this'll be heavy on the dressing up part! hope you enjoy!

he probably gets into gaming on handheld consoles during his college years, and carries that into his life living in the woods as a hermit (dont ask how he charges his stuff in a run down cabin we can just assume he has a generator or something)

he likes those therapeutic chill games! think ACNH, helps him keep his feelings and stress in check since that can effect his funky curse thing that made him. eyeless jack. do not let this man play slime rancher you will not see or hear from him for a week

anyways

so you introduce him to one of the legend of zelda games! he's into it, but he'd much rather watch you play or ramble on about the games and lore. he himself isn't much of a talker so he likes it when you fill the silence

at first he's against the idea when you first propose the cosplay, mostly because cosplay isnt really his thing, but also because where would the costumes come from?

if you insist on making it yourself he'll also be against it, he doesn't want you to make anything for him (and that's on him not knowing how to handle receiving gifts, but that's an entirely different thing for a different post)

but lets say, you get him to cave. hes going to insist on helping, this guy knows how to sew! he lives in the woods! he has to patch up his own clothes! plus he'll force you to step back if you prick your finger one too many times

both because "aww he doesnt want you hurting!" but also "fresh dripping blood around eyeless jack is dangerous because hes like a cracked out piranha"

when the costumes are done you guys just kinda

stand there and stare at each other and stare for a few minutes in the middle of the cabin

one of the rare times you see him without the mask since the thing was throwing off the rest of the costume

dont expect him to go out with you without something covering his face, though, you may have to rely on a hood or make a new mask that at least fits with the theme or vibe of the character. good luck trying to get jack to budge out past the door's threshold without it

stubborn prick

his ears are already pointed so you don't need to make ear prosthetics/j

good luck getting this guy to go to a con with you/j

OHOH NO because of course, spooky season, imagine convincing him to help you hand out candy at your place

or or or

you guys go out and about in your costumes showing off

sure he'll shuffle around awkwardly behind you, since he's not really. good with eyes on him...

or eyes in him/j

im sorry that was really mean spirited and uncalled for it will happen again

overall? he enjoys the time spent with you from you info dumping on him to just simply walking with him around town!

will he go out and walk with you again? probably not, at least not on nights where everyone is out and not when he's wearing this costume of an iconic character that's bound to catch some attention

7/10 experience, docked some points since you can feel the tension radiating off of him once you get him out of his cabin

don't bring it up but he keeps the costume in pristine condition when he isn't wearing it, and keeps it nearly folded and stored somewhere where it's not likely to get a bloodsplatter on it from one of his feeding nights

bonus hc but its steering a little off topic imagine walking in on him furiously scrubbing on the costumes tunic(?) because he got one (1) drop of blood on it. like he's hunched over on the floor over it trying to get the stain out, muttering n cursing under his breath

idk that's just goofy to me

anyways

peace

#creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x you #eyeless jack x you #eyeless jack imagine #eyeless jack x reader #eyeless jack headcanon

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Doctor Who: Phobos Review

Introduction

"You're scarier than the monsters."

Phobos a Big Finish story that walked so that The Rings Of Akhaten could run. I've mentioned in other reviews that the stories show the darkside of Paul MacGanns Doctor but this story aces as it. Listening to this story without any spoilers, gave me full goosebumps as once everything comes together your left in disbelief.

This story explores fear in a really creative and complex way. Again we get a unique "monster" compared to the usual things The Doctor has to face and deal with it. Its very mythical and creepy throughout. "Phobos" is Greek for fear and we truly get to experience fear throughout the story even if it it isn't a listen. Phobos absolutely blew my mind it took so many twists and turns I didn't expect.

This is another story I definitely recommend listening to individually if your not sold on The Eighth Doctor Adventures.

What I Liked

Again there's so many things that I could praise about this story as listening to Big Finish I've been shocked at the 100% good quality every time. The cast was once again stacked and they all played their roles too absolute perfection. To cut it down though I'll only talk about a few of the things that stood out to me.

As a musician the music in this story was like that feeling when you first go to an orchestral live concert. I had literal goosebumps. Out of all of the stories I've listened to Phobos definitely had the best music. Andy Hardwick is an absolute genius, he did a great job making the music so atmospheric and mystical. The composition was awesome. Every piece of music composed perfectly matched the aesthetic of each scene. The best theme had to be the chilling motif that played anytime the mysterious Phobians were mentioned. Doctor Who is a difficult piece of work to compose due to how diverse and unique each episode is but Big Finish have handled this challenge really well and delivered. The best part of sci-fi music is when it matches the atmsophere and tensity of the scene and Phobos does that perfectly. From its chilling and thrilling moments to its lighthearted fun moments, it's all composed perfectly in the right way that brings out the right emotions. If there's anything you want to get out of the story, listen deeply and closer to the music. I really hope that once I start by big finish releases they also come with the music because the scores really do slap.

Secondly I just have to talk about the incredible twists and turns throughout. I really wish I could film me listening to Big Finish in real time as trust me when I say that my mouth was a gape when the twists came, my mouth was a gape. My mind was well and truly blown. Again it's another one of those stories where you think it's going one way but then it goes in a completely different direction. Similar to Blood Of The Daleks your stuck guessing what's truly going on. It dives into some really heavy and dark themes and becomes unpredictable every minute that passes. To me, a good story steers away from what's expected of it and builds a twisted narrative that leaves you mind blown, Phobos does just that. The twists in this really allowed for Paul MacGann to shine and show off his Doctors darker side eloquently. All of the resolution is teased throughout the story but it comes as a massive shock to the point even Lucie is now doubtful about The Doctor and his character. It creates an interesting Doctor, Companion dynamic for the rest of this series of adventures.

Finally the incredible creativity and inventiveness of the story. I hate to admit it but Phobos walked so The Rings Of Akhaten could run. A lot of people not agree with me but with the way the stories include the Doctor feeding a creature with his memories it gives me a lot of déjà vu. Phobos feels so fresh from your typical Doctor Who story you'd get and I absolutely love it for that. This story really shows how experimental Big Finish are and how willing they are to explore entirely new concepts which I think is brilliant. Immortal Beloved perfectly showed the darkside of cloning whilst Phobos shows how powerful Fear is and how it has shaped The Doctor in his long life. As a result of the monster soley being on audio we get to be disturbed by on it a more physiological level, which is definitely effect in this series. The cries of people being chased by the creature was enough alone to bring me chills. I also adore the whole concept of the setting. On the surface it seems unoriginal for Phobos to be a chilled holiday destination until you peel back the layers and discover the conflict our side characters are facing. This story really embraced the fact its an exclusively audio story and I hope other Big Finish Stories are like that too.

What I Disliked

I loved this story but I have to be honest when I say that my enjoyment was spoiled due to its pacing. I've loved listening to the 8th Doctor Adventures but I have to be honest when I say that I have struggled with the pacing of these stories and Phobos was no acception to this. Some of these stories benefit from New Who style pacing whilst others don't.

Whilst the build up had so much pay off it did drag alot. All the build up took long and it felt way too slow paced given the context and threat in the story. I was just waiting for the huge action to happen every time somebody was attacked. Apart from that though I really did enjoy this story. Love your typical Doctor Who Monsters but it's more interesting when it's something entirely new.

Conclusion

Overall another fun and interesting Big Finish story. It deviated from what would normally be expected and was really inventive. It really flipped the whole monster on the lose killing tourists story and made it crumble beneath your feet. The side characters were an absolute delight and Lucie and The Doctor both got a lot to do here too and they both shone in their own ways. Again I'd heavily recommend giving this one a listen as it's a very interesting story.

My overall rating would be:

It's a story with a lot of meat that surprisingly works well on audio considering it's action packed and twisted nature. I also really liked that so many tropes were flipped on its head. This is one of the stories that have certain that im doing right by sticking with Big Finish and delving further into their catalogue. Paul MacGann is bumping up my favourite Doctor's list because he's just so endearing and charming in the role.

I definitely plan to in the far future save up to afford some of the season 2 stories and explore more of Lucie Miller. I'm sad that they don't have the rights to Grace and Chang Lee but 8s audio companions sound awesome. I'll give my thoughts on Charlie once I've actually explored that full arc. But as a first time listener I'm really appreciating the diverse stories Big Finish are able to tell.

I'm very excited for the future.

Bonus:

Since this is my first year getting into Big Finish I decided to publish a listening challenge on The Storygraph with certain prompts to follow that I will eventually fill as the year goes on.

I'm really impressed by all of the stories and am excited to dive into the main range, a few Destiny Of The Doctor audios and some short trips. I've really excited to delve into more Doctor Who adventures beyond the TV series. The Eighth Doctor Adventures have matched and even gone beyond the quality of the show.

The Challenge Is Public And Anyone Can Join:

-Melody-

They/Them

#doctor who #whovian #big finish #doctor who big finish #the eighth doctor adventures #the eighth doctor #lucie miller #audio drama #audio production #big finish review #Spotify

[resisteverything]

Let me give you some advice, something I figured out on my own when I was younger.

Contradictions are OK.

It's fine to find happiness and pleasure in ugly or unplesant things (I love heavy metal), it's fine to be unsettled or grossed out by happy and good things (those cute highschool AUs are a straight up squick for me). Sometimes things just don't make sense, and that's OK. You don't have to have a fully reasoned explanation for why you or anyone else has seemingly contradictory tastes or opinions.

Humans are messy and complex creatures. The world itself is too complicated and too huge to sort all of existence into a system of aethetically coherent labels.

It's ok to not understand things. It's ok to be viscerally horrified by something someone else finds meaning and joy in. It's ok to be passionate about something that someone else is bored to death by. It's even ok to contradict your own tastes; why do I like some fiction that glamorises crime, but other fiction that does the same makes me deeply uncomfortable? It doesn't matter! it's none of anyone's business! No one has to explain all the minutia to be able to say "I like this TV show, but not that one, even though they deal with the same tropes and themes", people can just like things.

It doesn't have to make sense, not to the person liking the thing and especially not to any random bystander. What matters is how you treat actual people, not how the fiction you create or enjoy handles certain topics. In the case of the BL comic[?] that started all this (which I haven't read and don't care to read, but that's beside the point), the problem is that the author spoke disparagingly about other authors and readers (real people) who enjoy the BL genre, not what themes her own work does or does not contain.

Live and let live. Your Kink is Not My Kink and That's OK. Competing access needs, if you want to get therputic about it. John Keats called it Negative Capability, "capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason".

So I am extremely confused, but not by what you might think.

I feel like i've consistently been getting advice that like is meant to teach me things I would already say I believe if I was asked "Do you agree or disagree with this sentence." and then I later say things that contradict with that sentiment and have to me reminded of the actual thing I believe.

How does that happen?

[idledreams-burninghearts]

I was trying to wait until I no longer work there to post about what I'm experiencing at work but I need to process it. CW: very heavy topic, trauma dumping, childhood trauma, grooming

I haven't written anything about it because I've been paranoid that Boss is following me on here, reading my posts. But oh well, either I'm paranoid and she won't see this. Or I'm not paranoid and I'm warning you, don't read this. I don't think you're in your stage of healing where you could handle this.

Lol, I gotta stop doing that. Not posting my thoughts and experiences in respect of someone else's feelings. I try to write things down privately in a journal or my notes app. I write letters to friends. It's just not the same as posting on here. Posting on here is like saying. I exist. My experience is valid. Gotta heal out of that people pleasing.

This might be out of order, my brain is weird, I will do my best to be coherent.

So the work environment is very triggering for me right now. The group dynamic is triggering childhood trauma of bullying. Where everyone is "nice" to you but they're making fun of you behind your back. (I trust some folk at work but not everyone) This is how some autistic folk experience bullying.

Like I definitely know they talk about me behind my back. I have had mental episodes that everyone is aware of. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt by telling myself they are just concerned. I know I'm not an easy person to talk to. I don't trust very easily. But knowing they're talking about me is definitely triggering this bullying trauma. I just wish they would directly ask me, through text or something, not in person.

I am a very emotional person and I really don't want to be emotional at work. I'm in neurocognitive decline and it's very hard for me to hide it right now. (As far as I'm aware there is no definitive new term for autistic burnout, but the autistic community is trying to leave the term burnout behind because allistic folk do not take it as serious as they should because burnout is a very different experience for them. I am calling it neurocognitive decline.) So I wish people would just talk to me in my preferred format if its something serious. They all know I have a hard time with verbal communication. I have been clear about that. But I've masked too well in the past and was going off scripts so well, they of course, don't take that seriously.

But it's not just that. Boss and I trigger each other. She doesn't want to admit it but I can read people's body language and emotions really well. I can tell when I trigger someone.

I really shouldn't have gone to her birthday gathering. It was pretty weird. So when they talked to me about it they said the theme was coyote ugly. I did the best I could with what I had in my closet. But when I met up with everyone they said that changed it to cowboy/cow themed. I didn't care really because they're almost the same and no one was really dressed to that theme anyways. But I could tell I triggered Boss. Boss really does have a lot of internalized fatphobia. She tries so hard to talk herself up (and rightly so, she is gorgeous) but I can tell she doesn't feel it 100%. Which is sad for me to see. I wish she was more confident in herself.

Didn't help how much the others were complimenting me. I could see she didn't like it. And honestly I didn't like it either. Felt like the bullying love bombing, but even without that, I don't really like when people compliment my appearance.

Like I have pretty privilege. There is no denying it. I know how I look, I love how I look, I have no self confidence issues in regards to how I look. But people really don't like it when you tell them to not compliment your appearance. Whenever I tell people that they react in a few ways.

"Just take the compliment. I'm just being nice." (From people of all genders, whether they're attracted to me or not)

They struggle to find a way to compliment me.

Also didn't help how people at the club were looking at me either. She noticed. She has had a very different experience of the world in that regard. She is fat. And the world has been difficult and cruel to her because of it. I see how the world treats her and people like her. It's not right.

I know I triggered her too when she was struggling to make the schedule and I commented "and they say we're not understaffed" and she snapped at me saying "stop saying that! We're not understaffed!" Friend and M were there and saw it and we all exchanged looks but I didn't say anything because I get that this job is stressing her out. Then a few days later she put up a help wanted sign. No apology for her snapping at me. When I bright this up in the meeting with her and K she said that she doesn't remember that, we're not bringing the others into this, she recognized my experience is valid. But still didn't apologize.

So when she was side-eyeing me all night and when she said "skinny people don't even need to try" in a way where she implied she's talking about me but can deny it (she's done this a couple of times at work too and in the meeting with boss and k, boss tried to say that she was just joking. I can tell the difference between a joke and a jab. Even if I don't find the joke funny I can tell what the intent was. It's in the eyes and the mouth. People think they're hard to read but they're not ) all I could think was. I get it. Of course this is how you feel after the world has treated you the way that it has. So I didn't say anything. No one likes being called out on their behavior, which is one reason why I think no one calls me out on mine (I wish they would, I actually like when people call me out on my behavior, work is weird because I don't want to be emotional at work but they can message me about it)

I realized my mental health, my physical health, was impacting everyone at work. I went to Boss and told her. (This was before the meeting with Boss and K, before I said I don't trust Boss in group chat) Hey I'm in burnout. And she responded. We all are. Which I'm still like, none of us should be. But this is when a switch flipped in my head. She's letting her perception of me get in the way of my well-being. That was a trigger. I'll get to that in a second. This is why I'm no longer using burnout to describe my experience. Why I'm using the term neurocognitive decline.

Took her a month to reduce my schedule down to 3 days. I get it, we had inventory and were short staffed. But it still just felt like she wasn't taking me seriously. She said she researched autistic burnout after I told her through group chat that I didn't trust her but I'm sure it was very cursory. Had to have a meeting with Boss and K where I showed them this tiktok. She mentioned that time she researched it. We talked about demoting me from supervisor to just sales associate which yes I was thankful for that. But it still feels like I'm not being taken seriously.

She was talking about how "we" have to manage our triggers (she was talking about me, she's so passive aggressive) she was talking about how "we wanted to be a communist party" (which was another trigger for me, I'll get to that when I talk about her she's specifically triggering me separate out of the group bullying dynamic) but also talking about "don't look at the emails, that's for management only, that information is not for everyone" and "we all need to help out" (how are you going to talk about being a communist party and needing everyone to help out but also keeping us in the dark about stuff and not sharing information?) But the whole meeting just, felt like what this video is talking about.

The last team meeting she was stressed out. I wasn't looking at her because I was having a hard time masking. So I was faced away and looking kinda up at the ceiling and rocking a little bit. I'm sure she was triggered by that too, I think she thought I was ignoring her. But I was listening, it's easier to listen when I'm not also looking. Another reason I didn't want to look at her was because I'm tired of managing her emotions.

I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to her and see that she's trying to ask people for more help in order to help me out but it also feels like she's using that as a way to fire me if I don't do what she says (I did ask for her to fire me in a way that i can collect unemployment, I talk about it a bit further down, I just can't trust her)

I also think she thinks I'm not eating the food she brings to the meetings because I am not being a team player or because I don't like her or something along those lines. No, the food makes me sick. I've been having a hard time eating food because of my neurocognitive decline (mind, body, soul, all connected) and I see how hard it is for her to accommodate me and I'm not gonna force her too. She doesn't have to. She's having a hard time. She can do what she can do. I don't have hard feelings about that.

Another thing that frustrates me is that it feels like she's trying to treat everyone the same when we're not all the same, we're not all capable of doing everything or doing everything the same way and after the meeting I did hear Boss say to M that she feels like the new hires help out more than the older workers and like do you still not get that I'm in neurocognitive decline??? Do you not get that we also know this company doesn't give a shit about us? Where is your communist spirit, I thought we were a communist party?

Another thing she mentioned in that meeting was how we can't call out or go home early for no reason. I know that is referencing me too. I have been calling out and going home early pretty often lately. Because I am in neurocognitive decline. But I think she was upset that a few days prior to this I had left home early. And how I left. I had texted her if I could go home early. She did not reply. I called her from the work phone. She did not answer. I told my ma what time she would be getting into work so she could pick me up when I asked her to go home early. So when Boss got into work she saw my ma was there. When I asked if I could leave she said "yea, your mom is waiting for you already". Like she really doesn't understand what I'm going through if she's thinking I'm going home just because I want to

Anyways. Back to how she mentioned "we need to manage our triggers" and how she was talking about me. And this relates to why I think she's following me on here. So before the meeting (the day before? A few days before?) I had written a post on here about how I noticed I was having a meltdown one a month. I had also written this post after I had talked to HR about a certain light causing migraines and how the District Manager said ALL lights need to remain on and that the company provides ibuprofen. HR backed her up and said it was OSHA and company policy. I tried looking up OSHA regulations and only found "1915.82(a)(1) The employer shall ensure that each work area and walkway is adequately lighted whenever an employee is present." Which doesn't state all lights need to be on, only that it needs to be adequately lit.

But what really made me think that she's following me on here is after I had posted about issues at work and with her but I said she was still like a creative and amazing person (in tags of this post), I don't think she's a bad person (still don't btw, sometimes there are just people you can't have in your life because your issues conflict with each other) and then at work she explained to me her issues with her mom. How she had pretty privilege and other things. And in my head, I'm just like, she read the post and I knew I was triggering issues with her mom (maybe of another person too, childhood "friend" perhaps? If I'm not being paranoid and she is following me I have to think it's for a reason, she might just be trying to protect herself from experiencing the same thing she has before, idk) and this is also what led to me not trusting her besides her not taking me seriously when I said I was in burnout.

So if I'm not paranoid I'm assuming Boss thinks me doing that was me having a meltdown or that I was triggered. Nope. The meltdown referenced in that post had nothing to do with work. I was thinking clearly when I was messaging with HR. That was also me self-regulating. Turns out I'm a PDA autistic. (I prefer Persistent Drive for Autonomy, that feels more correct for me than Pathological Demand Avoidance. And this has also created problems between Boss and I because I have been unintentionally engaging in Equalizing Behavior (I realize after) and allistic don't like that, they need their hierarchy)

Another thing that makes me think she's following me on here is because in the meeting with Boss and K, she said she wasn't micromanaging which was not a word I used in the meeting but I did use it in the tags of the same post

I know I've typed in the tags of a few posts that I wish I could just collect unemployment and then K started talking about her getting unemployment because of her 2nd job and when I said I wished I could get unemployment she very carefully said to talk to Boss about it and that Boss might just be uncomfortable firing a "friend". The whole interaction felt suspicious but I played along and said sure. Talked to Boss about it with K present and Boss was also very careful with her response. Could just be because she's trying to be careful of her position and be careful with me since I said I don't trust her. Like again, I am hoping that I'm paranoid about all of this. But it's so hard for me to trust her right now. Didn't help that in that meeting she said she'd talk to her lawyer friend because I couldn't be fired for insubordination and that we'd come up with a plan. Well, she never talked to me about a plan. And one time I called out for being sick and the next day B texted me asking if I was still feeling unwell and if I would be staying home. I said I was not gonna make it in and she said that she texted Boss to let her know. Then Boss tried to give me a write-up for it because I didn't tell her but I said I didn't because B did and I pulled up the message where she said so and she seemed frustrated (hoping because she was trying to help me but she knows I don't trust her and idk why she won't let me in on her plan. But this has been a huge issue for me working with her too. She thinks she communicates well but she does not, at least not with me. And I mirror communication styles so I know to her it seems like I don't communicate well)

It's also hard to trust her about this because she told employees that write-ups are back for everyone. Like I asked to be fired in a way I could collect unemployment, you didn't need to bring write-ups back for everyone. Why are you continuing to treat us all the same when we're not. And I don't mean treat us all the same as equivalent to treating us equal. Those are two different things for me. Treat us all equal, yes, but we all have different needs and capabilities so don't treat us all the same. She's leaning into the reasons I can't trust her.

This part is what I think I'm being most paranoid about (at least really hoping I'm being paranoid about, it would be extremely fucked up if I'm not being paranoid about it) so when I was confused about my feelings for Mrs Heartstrings (gotta find a new name for her, will just refer to her as Friend, same Friend mentioned earlier) I did kinda tell Boss. I was confused about if she was flirting with me or just being kind and none of my friends that I talked to about it could offer any insight because they have never met her (well, Strawhat Friend did, but very momentarily and no interaction between us) and so one day I asked Boss if she could tell if a person was flirting with me (I showed her a screenshot of a text message that was cropped to remove names) and that the person was married but I wasn't sure if they were poly or not. She asked me where I met her and I froze. She said I didn't have to answer and I didn't. But she's smart. I'm sure she figured it out. But after that it seemed like everyone was talking Friend up. "Friend is so amazing!" was said to me multiple times to the point where I started responding "I know???" And I remember this time where a few coworkers kinda stood around her and said something like "Friend is autistic" and she made a pose and it just seemed very ta-da! And I think I just responded with "I know?" But I thought "I know" "are y'all showing her off?" "What's going on here?" "Sorry I'm not the right kind of autistic" (that last one I thought because I had been saying I'm too autistic for this job so I was hoping it was related to that and not what I was being suspicious about) I really hope I'm being paranoid about this part because even if they tell themselves it was a "joke" it's fucked up and led to me having a spiral. I prefer to spiral just because I'm fucked up and not because someone is messing with me.

Okay. So now to the part where I talk about her triggering me. If I'm not being paranoid and Boss is reading this, you are really gonna want to stop reading at this point. You really aren't in the right place of your healing journey to read this.

So she has called the team meetings "family dinner" and has called us a family, which was extremely triggering for me and not just because that is a corporate tactic to get employees to work harder for them.

She doesn't communicate well, she's been changing a lot of things at work and how we do things which would be fine except she doesn't explain them properly or at all, or will explain it to someone else who will explain it to me but still without the necessary information my autistic brain needs to actually be able to do it. Like this.

One, she never talked to me about this. K did. But it didn't make sense to my autistic brain to print out the shipment manifest in a way that wasted ink and paper because it included a lot of items that weren't actually shipped to us. It has a lot of items with 0 at the end of it. And in the system all you have to do is press one button, twice, to change the format in the system to show the items listed from greatest to least amount of items sent. I printed upcoming shipments like that so it would only be like 2-5 pages long instead of like 10+ pages long. I saved the digital version in the bookmark bar of both internet browsers on the computer. I told K about it and she said no one else would want to do that work and I said no one else has to, y'all can do it your way when you print up the shipment list because I know we're all different. After that is when Boss wrote that in the pass down log. And now that I'm no longer a supervisor, I saw how they are doing the shipment list. They are using what comes in the shipment. Which is exactly how I was prepping it anyways. And she has not apologized because she didn't tell me directly so she has the excuse that she wasn't talking about me. When yes she was.

No explanation for why that way is better. Does not want to communicate about it. She just wants to tell us to do something and she just wants us to do it no questions asked. And so passive aggressive. I know she's talking about me. (Why can't she just talk to me directly. I know I'm hard to talk to. But if it's work related that is very easy to talk about. Just talk to me directly so I can mirror your communication style and I can be direct back.) Very triggering for me. And the next shipment they printed out their way I just could not do it because of my pda profile and because of being triggered and because it just does not make sense to me. I couldn't do it and said as much. (In the meeting with Boss and K and Boss said "we already let you do what you want to do" which was so frustrating for me because what I want to do is my job, but she still doesn't get that I'm in neurocognitive decline and I'm just trying to do what I can do.) Honestly since messaging HR about the OSHA thing it has been a bit easier for me to work because I'm motivated by spite (to the company, not even Boss) now. I want to cause problems for the company but just let them try to fire me without it looking like retaliation. I do my job. I am being nice to people. Trying to talk. It probably doesn't seem enough, I'm wearing a more manageable mask, it's not as upbeat and social and I know because of everything going on they think I'm being upset at them when I really just don't have the energy or capacity. I'm sure some people are taking it personally.

Another thing that triggered me was when she said "I'm always watching" talking about how she looks over the security camera footage. I talked to her about this in the meeting but I'm not sure if she gets it or not because this is what she put in the report she typed up.

Like I'm not triggered by the cameras being there (although I do hate that we live in a surveillance state) I'm triggered by what she said. And she speaks corporate very well. She knows how this is gonna make me look. I'm looking to get out of there anyways so whatever. But then it was funny that after she submitted this she posted in the group chat that management was looking at the cameras more "for some reason"

But she could just be covering her own ass too. In the meeting she said she was taking notes so she could type up the report. Later I had asked for a copy, now I wonder if she actually meant that or if she did that allistic thing where they say things they don't mean. Like how hard is it to say, I'm taking notes so I know what to respond to without interrupting you? I signed it without reading too, but because I wanted the copy for myself and to show friends. I'm sure she thought I wanted it to get her in trouble. Or maybe she still doesn't get it. She's never really been able to listen and understand me. It's just an allistic/autistic communication issue (I need to be more direct again, I stopped as a kid because people really don't like it)

Another way she triggered me was by taking away autonomy. She said that staff can't rearrange the merch without asking for permission from a supervisor or her, the manager. So one day I'm putting product out but there's no space. I have to rearrange the wall. I was a supervisor at the time so I just gave myself permission. She then changed it to where no one could rearrange the wall without asking for her permission.

Another thing she does that triggers me is that she is not clear with her instructions. In a team meeting she said that people were cleaning too slowly so I sped up how I cleaned. Then things weren't being cleaned well enough (like no shit, cleaning is either going to be cleaned fast OR thoroughly. Not both) and that caused a bit of a melt down for me (not in the meeting).

And in the meeting Boss was like "sorry I'm triggering memories of a friend" and I was just like, she wasn't a friend. Like, yes, in the group dynamic it reminds me of childhood bullying. But her on her own, of these things I've just listed.

The person and memories she is triggering is of Ms. A. Ms. A is the reason I look people in the eye and the reason I don't visibly stim. She forced me to look people in the eyes, she forced me to be still. Good kids are neither seen nor heard. I couldn't be visibly autistic. And I don't feel like I can be autistic with Boss. Ms. A forced me to clean her house and look after the younger kids. Boss makes me feel like I have to do more than I'm able to, regardless of my disability and she gives "reasonable accommodations". Ms. A gave no privacy. Boss said she's always watching. Ms. A always said we were family when we weren't, she was our "caregiver", she was paid to take care of us but she didn't. Boss called the team meetings "family dinner" but we're not family. I have a hard time thinking we're all friends. Boss tried to say we're a communist party when she can't even give me the accommodations I need, feels like she's trying to use what she knows about me as a way to get me to comply. Ms. A is the reason I don't like talking about the things I like with people because she used it against me as a form of control. She groomed me (and the other kids) for her father.

So that's why I can't really talk to her directly about this. Like how do you tell someone, "hey your behavior reminds me of my groomer"? And why I couldn't properly vent this out here in case she is seeing my posts. If I'm not paranoid about that... I hope she heeded my warning and didn't read this.

Like, I don't think Boss is grooming me to be sexually assaulted. But it sure does feel like she's grooming me to be a good little employee for corporate. Do as I say no questions asked. No transparency, keeping people out of the loop.

Honestly if I'm not being paranoid and she is following me here that's another trigger that reminds me of my groomer. No privacy.

Like I miss my old manager. When I was promoted I was uncomfortable with the position because I don't like being in a position of power over people but she told me it wasn't a position of power, it was a position of responsibility. And I vibe hard with that. But current Boss. She does not take the same approach. I can't work for her. I need to get out of there. She will never not trigger me as long as I'm working under her.

I also remember a time where Boss and Friend and I were supposed to hang out but I had to cancel because my cat died. I was of course really sad that my cat died, but there was a part of me that was relieved I didn't have to hang out with them because I really felt (and feel) uncomfortable around Boss. Like that's how bad I am doing with all of this. Although I do think I'm doing pretty well at work considering everything I'm going through.

And the possibility of Boss following me on here is why I'm not talking about my latest mental health issue and what I think it is. Because she's not a safe person for me to be autistic around. She is definitely not a safe person for me to be that kind of mentally ill around, especially if I'm working for her.

Like I get its been hard for people to deal with me while I've been in neurocognitive decline (honestly it started once we were bought out). It's not just her that is the issue. I know I'm part of the issue too. But I can't work for her.

I don't want to talk about this at work because there is no space and time to properly communicate this without it seeming like I'm gossiping. And I don't want to turn anyone against her. I don't want to take her community away from her. She needs them. I don't. I have friends.

I am honestly overwhelmed by how many friends I have. I do think I needed to experience this and am kinda grateful for this experience. It really reminded me of who my friends are and which relationships I need to work on. Kinda thinking about having a picnic with friends when I'm not working here anymore and feeling a bit better.

I also know I can be a heavy person because I focus so much on my depression and how much I don't want to be alive. And people don't want to focus on that, they don't want me to focus on that. But I need to. I need to problem solve. I need to figure out why I'm feeling this way. So I can change and grow. Can't do that if I'm ignoring the problem.

But anyways, yea, whether I'm paranoid or not, I can't work here. Either way, the situation is not great. No real accommodations and my neurocognitive decline is not taken seriously.

I feel like writing this up here has already helped me process this a bit and hopefully I can work on it more with this week off. I'm sure there are things that I'm forgetting but this is already really long.

#idle posting #this is really long #hopefully all the links work #some people say things better than i can so hopefully it helps people understand #work shit

[koffing-time]

Which Pokémon took you the longest to bond with? (tix)

Do you have a naming convention for your Pokémon? (olivia)

Did any of your Pokémon have temperament issues when they first evolved? How did you handle it? (both)

[@pkmn-aide-mel]

I think I'll leave out Appleslice and Bun because i still have to properly get to know them, and the Yveltal as well because obviously the same. I will also leave out Caramel and Tofu, i think we did bond somewhat already, but they also have been with me for less than a month, so you know? Difficult to judge right now.

I doubt however that they will be "worse" than Chocco. He has very bad mood swings sometimes and that can make it really difficult with him, but I still love him very very much. We had struggled a lot with each other for years actually, there were days we couldn't be separated and others where he literally tried to burn me alive. We've gotten accustomed to each other though, and I'd even say we've grown a proper bond.

I do not have a naming theme (like Tix)!

I had a tendency to name my Pokémon after, just, random things i associated them with when i was a kid. When Marbles was still an exeggcute, he looked like a bunch of oversized marbles, and Beach Ball obviously looks like a big beach ball. Grill was cooking for me while i was doing my gym challenge, so that's where his name comes from. He almost did not even get one in the first place, i just could not find a fitting one.

Well, The Kalosian is obviously a very odd nickname though, and would not fit into this scheme. She is also a trade evolution. I traded her for a shelmet with someone from Kalos. I could not pronounce the original nickname, so instead i referred to her as "the kalosian escavalier" for some time, and she seemed to like it.

And, well Hans was given to me by the Striaton Gym because i do not have a water type and also my Pokémon are way too strong for beginner level trainers (1-2 badges). He did not have a name and i was very obsessed with Hans Zimmer at the time, so that's where his name comes from.

I don't think any of my Pokémon had issues after evolution. Most of them aren't even evolved, so that's also a thing. I guess Poppy was suddenly very energetic, but nothing unusual I'd say.

As for me, yes, all of them (well, those that are evolved). My general advice would be to give them time and especially space to get their energy spent and get used to their new body. Evolution takes a heavy toll on Pokémon, especially if they undergo a very drastic change.

For example, Marbles was like a foot tall as exeggcute? When i evolved him, he suddenly grew over 20 times in size. Gaining the dragon type is also quite strange i have to assume. He was upset that communication became more difficult at first, and it was a little bit traumatic that he could not be inside with me anymore. To accommodate that, I started camping outside with him. It became better with time, and he is now okay with sleeping in his pokeball.

For Grill: it is known that darmanitan are even more fiery than darumaka, but i was not really prepared. I sort of had to retrain him entirely which took years. Things he was allowed to do were now off limits, because his fire was hotter and his arms stronger and so on and it became a safety issue. Of course that upset him. I had to make an agreement with Clay in deiftveil city so i could use (part of) his gym grounds for a few weeks so Grill could power himself out without destroying things.

And The Kalosian... It was just a hard time for her. I and the other trainer were not thinking right. We both caught a Pokémon and immediately traded it for evolution. Do not do it like me. She got thrust into a trainers pocket and then she also had to deal with evolution into Escavalier. In case you do not know, it is much more stressful for the Escavalier than for the Accelgor, but both are changing very fundamentally. I'm still very sorry for having done this to her, but i think she has forgiven me and is now a cherished part of my little family. Again, giving her time and freedom to explore herself with as few boundaries as possible was a good way for us. Setting new rules slowly and letting her adjust to them one at a time is important.

In hindsight, i would change a lot regarding the care for my Pokémon when i was a child/teen. I really was not the best trainer. - Olivia

#tix answers #olivia answers #chocco the salandit #marbles the exeggutor #beach ball the gible #grill the darmanitan #kalosian the escavalier #hans the lotad #poppy the toxicroak #pokeblogging #pkmn irl #pokemon irl #long post