#some stuff they do re: each other i definitely say 'oh therapy is needed!' on both sides - including lizzie | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

honkster · 3 years

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Okay so I did miss a few things

Mainly stuff that either I didn’t think were important enough to address or I just didn’t think of.

Let’s get to it.

1. Techno betraying Tommy.

2. Ghosty bois coming back.

3. Tommy and Quackity as ab*se survivors.

<_><_><_>

I try to be as un-biased as I can whenever I say “From a writing perspective”, I kind of disassociate and look at the story how I would write it if I had to. You know, purely analysing the characters without the attachment I feel for them as a viewer.

But I don’t have to do that to say that Techno is not going to betray Tommy.

I get the angst – oh do I get the angst. I’m a fan of angst, I used to write only it for a while.

But Dream. You know how much Techno cares about Dream?

He’d rather read his donations than not risk Dream’s wrath at avoiding the admittance of Tommy in his house.

Techno has shown that he cares more for Tommy than he fears Dream (Fear is probably the wrong word here. Neutrality as he bides his time until he can strike – much more Blade. Because no matter what, Dream is just a temporary ally to Techno, much like what he started to view Pogtopia as.) He is shielding Tommy from him, he is reluctantly reminded the he owes Dream a favor, he dismisses his role as Lycomedes in this myth that’s so accurate to the story. Not even once in the streams Tommy and Techno did together (and the subsequent Techno or Tommy solo streams) did it seem that Techno was even considering a Tommy and Dream meetup. Yes, the favor is looking to be another Chekhov's gun, much like the TNT under L’manburg, but whoever said it means that Techno will succumb to Dream?

When did we decide that Dream cashing in his favor with Techno doesn’t mean that the pig will take that chance to betray Dream?

When did we decide that Dream cashing in his favor with Techno means that Dream trusts Techno unconditionally and won’t try to betray Techno?

Dream and Techno are in a unique stalemate currently. Techno can’t harm Dream, not when he has creative mode, and for Dream Techno is far more useful as an ally. That favor that Dream is holding over his head? That is the one-up he has on Techno. Until, perhaps, Techno pulls a Spirit and decides that Dream doesn’t control him…

Is this better anxiety than angsting over Techno potentially turning Tommy in? :)

(Bonus: I’m pretty sure that Techno and Tommy are even when talking about betrayals. Tommy established a new government in front of Techno, Techno blew the government up. Techno isn’t going to betray Tommy because he’s still salty. Tommy was slightly petty when he huddled under Techno’s house, but he seems to have gotten over that and now it’s just sibling banter.

They betrayed each other and then were angry at each for it. They’re even, stop the angst.)

<_><_><_>

Another thing I keep seeing despite everything…

The Ghosty bois returning.

Schlatt through possession, Wilbur through some method Philza may find months after the moment he first wrote it in a book.

My answer is… What’s the point?

Okay, you bring back Schlatt. What’s he gonna do, re-establish Manburg?

As if.

So he possessed Quackity/Tubbo. Again, what’s he gonna do? L’manburg is not the same thing that it was before, when Schlatt and Wilbur first found their power. It’s not a place where words mean more than weapons, where no armor is worn yet wars are won. Since L’manburg’s pacifist dictators have died/been changed to more violent ways, L’manburg has adapted to the landscape of the server and become just like every other faction – fighting wars with weapons.

So again, what would happen if Schlatt returned, in one form or another? The moment someone realizes what happened, he gets taken down. No one likes Schlatt, no one is on his side, everyone would stab him in his weak heart and twist the blade to “just make sure” he is truly dead. No one will rally behind him, he will have no power. You don’t gotta worry about that ghosty boi.

Wilbur? Well, if we dive into meta and what the cc himself has said, it’s going to take more than just a totem of undying to bring him back. And from a writing perspective, Ghostbur needs to come to terms with himself. Him just forgetting the things that he did, the people he harmed and just being wholesome – that’s not the end of his arc. It’s not even the middle. Ghostbur has a long way to go to be at peace with himself and stop haunting the server, to move on to the afterlife.

Him being brought back to life, to return to what he tried to forget, and then most definitely being killed again, quickly or after he’s able to do more damage, returning to his Ghostbur form… Well, that can do two things.

1. It could, possibly help him come to terms with Alivebur’s actions, being so suddenly dropped into his life again and forced to confront the trauma of it all. It could, possibly, maybe, slightly start him on the path to being at peace again.

2. It resets his progress so far.

I know which option is more interesting, more… character-developing.

Sadly, that one is the less likely option.

More trauma doesn’t help deal with previous trauma. Things would have to go a very specific way for Ghostbur being brought back to life to be actually helpful to him. Ghostbur isn’t an amnesiac, not in the way where his memories were just given a soft reset and his only job is to find things that would help him unlock them again. He’s a ghost, no one can fully understand how he works and what he needs, and how he may act if he is brought back to life after being dead for so long.

Not even another ghost.

Who’s to say that Schlatt, if he ever appeared in-character, in ghost form, isn’t just as confused as Ghostbur? Who’s to say he isn’t “traumatized enough” for selective memory? Who’s to say that Schlatt hasn’t moved on like Ghostbur hasn’t been able to?

Wilbur’s not gonna come back soon, if at all. His arc, coming to terms with making L’manburg the way it is now, has relevance to the current events happening (especially since L’manburg’s death seems to be inching closer and closer, and Ghostbur seems to be only related to it, out of all the things in the server.) but it has very little plot-changing importance. Who’s going to listen to the ghost of the man that made this mess happen in the first place? Definitely not the people making similar mistakes to him!

<_><_><_>

Oh I don’t like talking about ab*se. I’ve had enough of Dream and his manipulation of Tommy, it’s why I hated the bastard so much.

But this? Quackity and Tommy having the same mixed feelings towards their manipulator, a deep hatred and also a deep attachment, resulting in just a lot of confusion whenever the bad guy in question is brought up?

Yeah I got nothing.

Mainly because Tommy and Quackity haven’t interacted in that way just yet. Most people, in-character, don’t realize what Quackity went through (that’s a problem for a lot of the characters though, how their trauma is almost invisible, but very loud in terms of their actions.) or at least don’t realize that Quackity wants Schlatt back. Cause no one wants Schlatt back – what are you, crazy?

It is definitely an interesting parallel. How both of them were manipulated, then suddenly left the manipulator, how both of them were introduced to different ways of coping. Tommy with Techno, someone who cares about him and is determined to get revenge on their behalf, someone who is just sensitive enough to realize that you shouldn’t do certain things when talking to the traumatized person. Quackity with The Butcher Army and El Rapids, being given an outlet for his anger and confusion, a way to hide the pain he feels and focus on something entirely else, something he can actually understand and not question endlessly as he slowly goes insane. A way to do good, to try and do good things for other people, or at least fight the bad ones, even though you are utterly baffled at what is going on inside you.

...I’ve been dancing around this for a long time but uh… From experience, both of those ways are valid.

Listen, listen. Facing your trauma, going on the tough path of healing from it and coming out a different person, one not affected by whatever was done to you – that’s good. That is a good recipe for moving on to bigger and better things, this should be the path taken.

But (not) realizing your trauma, and instead deciding to flourish in spite of your manipulator, becoming stronger than them or even fighting them (or whoever you blame for your trauma) head on and WINNNING, purely out of spite and anger that you were actually that weak or that you didn’t notice what they were doing to you, remembering the things that you thought were normal and now being horrified at what your life was like…

The whole SMP needs therapy. They all need to have a sit-down, and a talk, and come to certain conclusions about themselves and whoever wronged them, and repeat that for a few days (weeks, months maybe). They all need to learn healthy ways to cope.

But this is the Curse. The Author’s Curse.

Therapy is boring.

Yes, we love these characters. Because we love them, we would much rather see them healthy and well-adjusted, and ending the cycle of ab*se.

...But the SMP isn’t peaceful enough for that.

More from the writing perspective – the foundation of the server right now is violence. Endless, gruesome violence, it has become the number one way to deal with whatever is plaguing you. Talking has worked once (The Pet War (?) ending), but even then it was after extreme violence. And this will continue, because any other way of dealing with things has just become… irrelevant. Some people can only speak one language, and it’s not one that is healthy.

So not only do all of the people on the server need to be shouted at for being so violent, bullied into considering more peaceful options for things, but also the people who cannot or will not change their mind, because they have become delusional with their power and only believe in that singular language, must be eliminated.

It all comes back to Dream. It all comes back to more violence. The Curse cannot be broken.

But… It can be, if used properly, a way to at least eliminate most of the evil in the server.

You’d need a whole guidebook for that though.

And the problem wouldn’t be fixed.

That server reset’s gonna be a huge part of the lore!

<_><_><_>

And I know I may be coming off as aggressive here like “Oh stop making up headcanons that will never happen” but that’s not my intention because if I truly took that standpoint I would be incredibly hypocritical. I thought Techno was going to be this battle-hardened warrior, able to detach himself from everything in this world to focus on war – mans turns out to be the most secretly caring person in the server. I sometimes dismiss characters that turn out to be actually really powerful (Ranboo, for one. BBH and Puffy for three.), I’m wrong on a lot of things.

So honestly, if you have an AU for Ghostinnit or Ghostbo (Toast) or Dadschlatt or Dream redemption arc, or just irl AU, Harry Potter AU, Starinnit – fucking amazing. You play out your canon-divergent dreams you funky little writers/artists. I’ll stay over-analyzing stuff over here, don’t mind me! Your ideas are super cool, and you can bully me for not having any hcs and never thinking of an AU of my own. /gen

#dream smp #dream smp analysis #dream smp theory #honkmeta #dream smp meta #gotta start using those tags #and as always #tell me im wrong on something!#debate!#i put this stuff out here to be ridiculed dont worry about hurting my feelings im too smol to bully you /lh

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arsonist-chicken · 3 years

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Lockdown Tag game; I got tagged by @we-are-not-amoosed thank you! I keep forgetting you know I exist, also I hope you had fun being drunk at midnight on a Tuesday hjhjhj.

First of all, a big FUCK YOU to tumblr, because I was at the LAST QUESTION and opened ONE NEW TAB to look up the word windmill, and when I went back to tumblr, my post was GONE, so here we go again. If an answer seems short of half-answered, it’s because I didn’t feel like typing everything again.

Are you staying home from work or school?

HA. Yes. Love that for me. Not at all. My university opened for 1 1/2 weeks in March 2020, then for another 4 weeks in November, and it has been closed ever since. I’m in my dormitory in the town I study in, not home home at my parents’ place though, because that would Not end well. The internet connection sucks though, that’s really annoying with distance learning. When I go into The City for A Thing, I usually cycle past my department and it makes we Yearn to go back in there, which is a thing I didn’t think would ever happen, but one pandemic later and suddenly everyone would kill for the change to go back to work/school in person, wouldn’t we?

If you’re staying home who is there with you?

I live in a dormitory, so technically, there’s a lot of other people there, but I don’t really talk to any of them except for when we meet in the hallways or the kitchen or wherever, so really it’s just me, the stuffed animal my friend got me last year because I kept whining that I didn’t have a cat like her at her boyfriend’s place where she basically lives now, and the birds who come to eat from the bird house I put on my balcony.

If it makes you feel any better @we-are-not-amoosed, not that I think it will but hey, who knows, my twin sister is moving out in December, so I will be the only child at home with my parents during summer/Christmas/Easter break, which will be Not Fun. I’ll take another 1 ½ years for my degree, and another 2 if I do a master’s, so that’s about... 1-3/4 years I’ll be alone with my parents while my perfect sister gets to move out and move on and live Adult Life fully respected as an Adult working with renewable energy, as opposed to the Disappointment who takes 5 years for a 3 year degree in a field that’s hard to find employment in and never Does Stuff like my mother wants me to Do Stuff.

Are you a homebody?

I’m with @we-are-not-amoosed there, I didn’t know what that meant, but Pons says “Stubenhocker”. A bit I guess? I’m definitely fine being home by myself if I’m unbothered there (read: not at my parents’ when they are home) and I do need time by myself to recharge. But probably like everyone else, I crave and enjoy social contact a ton more than Before. I meet a friend fairly often (aka the only friend still here instead of home for distance learning), and today we worked together (handing out flyers which idk why the company pays us to hand them out, like 95% of them get thrown away immediately, but hey, we’re getting paid 🤷) and then went to sit by the river, and there were SO MANY people there, it was not *entirely* corona-compliant (but outside with town-typical wind, so it’s fine I think, with my non-existent knowledge about spreading of viruses and such), but honestly? I just couldn’t be bothered to care in that moment: it was warm and sunny, I was there with a very close friend, people were laughing and dancing to good music, it was just so GOOD to be there, almost as if Corona didn’t exist. The police even drove by like they always do to check for people smoking weed and didn’t say anything like usual, so hey. It was just so good, okay? So, homebody? Within reason, I guess, but less than Before, probably.

An event you were looking forward to that eventually got cancelled?

Oh boy, SO MANY. The one I’m most bitter about was a very prestigious international interpreting event, that would have involved me interpreting in the actual European Parliament building in Strasbourg. But there was also a festival week with my best friend I was looking forward to, maybe even a second festival with another friend, my company’s ten year anniversary party, etc. And Prides! I came out to my family in 2019, and was like “Yay, I can finally go to Prides now!” but well 🤷

DUDE SO MANY ARE YOU KIDDING ME

CONCERTS: 5SOS (I SHOULD HAVE heard “Old Me” in a crowd full of other people getting nostalgic for their past selves, but NO), Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles, Rock im Park aka GREEN DAY AND RISE AGAINST (I have been trying to see Rise Against for YEARS and ALWAYS something gets in the way!), one or two small local artists.

ERASMUS: I should have gone to Russia for a semester to improve my not-too-great speaking skills but Corona said FUCK YOU you will study ALONE and LONELY in your ROOM like a child on TIMEOUT

PRIDE: none in particular, just generally it would have been nice to go, maybe even with a friend to the one in Vienna

Also just general stuff like birthdays and get-togethers with friends, and my club’s annual get-together was cancelled too, and it would have been my friend, sister and my’s 10-year-anniversary, so that sucked to get cancelled.

What movies have you watched recently?

Movies? Pfuh, I don’t know, I’m not really into movies anymore, tbh. TV-series and games are more my jam.

Descendants 1 +2, I finally watched those after I read so much fanfiction that I knew the plot without having watched a single scene that isn’t a music video that youtube kept showing me. They’re nice enough, if you overlook the fact that they make a 16-year-old king while there’s still perfectly capable adults but whatever, there’s a lot of cute moments (Carlos and Jane omg) and a lot of funny ones (UMA. Is HILARIOUS), the music kind of slaps ngl, and arguably Mal + Evie are queer and in love. I still want to watch the third soon, and rewatch The Hunger Games since it showed up on my dash recently.

What shows are you watching?

Rewatching Julie and the Phantoms forever until the end of time (or until season 2 comes out @netflix, and I started Brooklyn 99 again for background noise/low-energy background watching. A friend recommended Ginny & Georgia and it’s okay enough, but it’s written in a way that makes you want to keep watching because there’s just such whack stuff happening that you want it explained; it’s 1h episodes though, that’s a bit hard on my attention span. I want to rewatch FMA:B some time, too.

What are you reading?

@we-are-not-amoosed said “tumblr posts and the texts I translate at work” and if that isn’t a Mood. I’d love to read more, but my attention span is shit and my reading comprehension even worse. I *am* reading “Explain to me like I’m 5” atm which explains stuff easily, like, well, you’re 5 years old, so you’d think a 23-year-old could understand, no? No. I read it, I vaguely understand some stuff, I close the book, and it’s G-O-N-E, not a single thing left. Literally the only thing I remember – and this is why I had to re-write ^^^all that because I needed to look up the English word for Windräder, if that’s even what they’re called in German but whatever I’m tired – is that insects and birds die a LOT in windmills when they get too close and get sucked in and can’t escape anymore, which is one of the reasons windmills aren’t as environmentally friendly as we thought when we built them. Anyhow, I’d love to read more, but idk, there are a lot of posts on here, some I’ve reblogged, that are like.. something something reading fanfiction is easier because you already know the characters and universe something something less mental energy something something idk. Yeah I mostly read fanfiction these days. I hope I’ll get back to reading books sometime soon-ish, I have a long list.

What are you doing for self-care?

Hm. I meet my friend I mentioned above pretty regularly, and I have a notebook that I write stuff in that was nice or made me happy when that happened (like today: working with my friend and then sitting among people by the river in the sun with said friend). I’m getting a tattoo next week (3 cat paws + 1 dog paw = technically my two cats and my late cat and dog, but well, two of them are dead, so I asked two friends for a paw print of their cat and dog, so I’ll always have those two with me, too). I try to make a to-do-list each day, but I rarely stick to it. I apply eyeshadow and body glitter if I want to, I dye my hair bright colors (think pink, purple, blue, red, maybe orange next). I always have chocolate in my room meaning I stopped depriving myself of food I like/food in general because it’s “healthier”/”I need to lose weight” etc. all that you know all those great reasons. I went to a doctor about my knee and it ended up being useless but I went, so.

I also went to see a therapist but she is very useless, like “ended our first session telling me well she doesn’t know how to help me/if she can help me at all/if therapy would even help me” kind of useless; I’ll go again next week and see if that changes or if next week will be the last week and I’ll go back to Dealing Like Before, which is not great but whatever. I’ve lived until 23 without therapy, surely I can keep doing it. Therapy’s expensive if it’s not covered (which this doctor IS which is why I went to her but it’s still a waste of time) and if it’s not gonna work/not gonna help me apparently or if there’s nothing actually wrong OR that therapist is just like, bad at her job, what’s the point of going yk?

Uggggh, I hope the swimming pools and Zumba class will be open again soon, Zumba (also with said friend) is AMAZING, easy fun exercise you don’t need any knowledge or skill for and you can hang out with your friend by the street after for an hour and say goodbye five times and then remember one more thing you wanted to actually still mention and stand there for another 20 minutes hjhjhj. Best times, truly.

Idk this is probably not self-care but I got a small job working with Austrian German and it gnetflix the chance to save up a bit and add it to my resume and also hopefully get my mother to shut up about my non-existent job prospects for a bit, so that’s kind of helping in making me feel a bit more like I’m Being An Adult (also because it means I have to learn how to change my insurance and finance department stuff now, yey).

Tagging: @languages-and-else @psychicbouquetblaze-stuff @the-real-daddy-van-der-bellen @sunsetcurveofficial if you feel like doing it, also sorry @we-are-not-amoosed it became such a rambled long answe on almost everything hjhjhj

#tag games #me talks #covid-19 #swearing #It’s a post about corona there Must be swearing

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angeltrapz · 3 years

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SAW ASK!!!!!! 💞 n ee wayz as far as Eric/Adam goes i wld love to hear yr thoughts on how their relationship looks @ th very beginning when Eric still v v fresh in his recovery (obvs we’ve talked a lil abt this both but expandin on stuff), n also u mentioned Eric knowing how to bake (at least some things) n id LOVE to hear more abt that!! also for a general SAW polycule question, just bc it’s a dynamic i don’t think either of us have rlly touched on, thoughts on William + Mallick?

SAW ASK!!! (tysm!! <3)

okay so Eric/Adam:

I rly like th idea u had where they meet at one of Bobby’s groups (also throwing in tht I think abt Group Therapy All The Time) bc like. neither of them want to be there, neither of them rly have much in common w any other survivors, n neither of them can stand Bobby Dagen. so tht’s still like, th foundation fr how these 2 meet to me lol. the idea of them listening 2 him talk while rolling their eyes at each other n fake gagging is So Good.

I feel like Adam is just... rly open? w Eric? bc god does he understand how fucking hard it is 2 be around ppl after smth like that - maybe not to the same extent (though they DO have tht solidarity), but like. there’s only so many times u can hear “I’m so sorry tht happened/I can only imagine what u went thru” b4 yr ready 2 just tell ppl to shut the fuck up. so like, on Eric’s side of things, not getting tht frm Adam? not hearing the whole “I’m rly sorry u almost lost yr son and were locked up fr six months”? tht’s foreign territory ENTIRELY 2 him. sorry is all anyone has to say, even other survivors. Adam not saying sorry n instead being like “well I’m glad yr still around” is kind of what makes tht decision in Eric’s head like, yes, I think I want 2 get to know this dude. He Gets It.

n Adam is just patient too. letting Eric come 2 him, making sure he knows he’s there, tht sorta thing, bc regardless of how much he likes Adam, being around ppl again is not smth he can just jump into. it’s a wound tht is still raw n open n aching n he needs to treat it w care instead of rubbing salt in. n Eric half expects tht to turn Adam away, esp when he sometimes goes a day w no communication, but it doesn’t n he’s just sorta like ??? bc Eric never rly... saw some1 making tht kind of accommodation fr him, never expected some1 to understand it. tht’s another region I feel they’re very similar in - contact, sometimes, can b very very hard, even over text. if they don’t speak all day, tht’s okay - they send each other “i’m okay” texts n th other person responds w “good” n tht’s fine. Adam provides compromises when Eric never even knew tht was a possibility. it’s good.

things progress kinda slowly but not in a bad way. they’re just kind of getting used 2 each other - both of them have been alone fr so long, having some1 in their lives tht they give a shit abt n who gives a shit abt them is smth they’re both navigating. fr Eric, it’s being around some1 consistently after his trap. fr Adam, it’s actually having a friend who doesn’t make him feel like shit + having some1 he can definitively say is there. sometimes its easier 2 sit in comfortable silence than it is to force a convo neither of thm rly have the energy fr. sometimes just being in a room together is enough. tht’s smth they both notice - tht it’s like. they find it easy 2 be around each other. which is SO foreign to both of thm so they’re just kinda feelin it out?

n again like u’ve written b4, I also feel one of th turning points is when Eric calls Adam abt his hair + Adam shaves it fr him in his bathroom. tht’s th point where they’re both like “oh, I rly care abt this person.” bc it’s three in th fucking morning, Adam didn’t even have 2 pick up his phone or even answer when he saw it was Eric. but he did, bc he cares, bc he wants to help, n Adam’s just kinda freaking out internally too bc it’s been a looong time since he’s felt tht way abt some1 - he just wants Eric 2 be okay. n it’s then tht he’s kinda like, coming 2 terms w th fact that he truly cares abt someone who he can say without a doubt cares abt him too and it’s just like. oof. ESP when Eric sleeps over bc again, it’s early as fuck, and isn’t it so much easier 2 just have him stay? isn’t it easier fr Adam to make space fr Eric in his bed n home n heart? n Eric actually doesn’t tell Adam abt this later, but tht night he sleeps over after Adam shaves his hair? it’s th best he’s slept in fucking weeks.

I feel like after tht they’re a LOT more comfortable w each other - not tht they weren’t b4; I mean in th sense tht when they’re not doing too great, they’ll reach out 2 each other rather than bottling it up n dealing w it alone. Adam comes over w CDs he likes bc he can’t talk abt it but he doesn’t want 2 be by himself n they sit in Eric’s living room together in comfortable silence. sometimes Eric sings 2 him. they both find tht it helps. Eric becomes more accustomed 2 accepting help when he knows he needs it + Adam offers - dimming th lights n staying close by to keep him frm getting another migraine, having th TV on but w the sound down low enough tht it doesn’t feel like some1′s hitting him over th head w too-loud dialogue, getting things fr him on th days tht his nerve pain flares up n he’s mostly confined 2 his bed. they’re there fr each other. this is what friendship looks like fr them, two Jigsaw survivors who understand each other better than any1 else ever could.

another huge step fr them is like, th first time Adam offers 2 help w Eric’s rashes. I feel like, even as they grow closer, tht’s still not smth he’s vocal abt/comfortable showing often, something he’s ashamed of bc he feels like it’s gross n he doesn’t want 2 like. make Adam deal w that. but like during one of their sleepovers where Adam cuts his hair fr him n Eric’s got his shirt off he just. grabs the ointment he knows Eric keeps in th cabinet above the sink n while Eric’s still sitting w his back to him, he wordlessly begins tending 2 the rash spread along Eric’s shoulders n his neck n back, n Eric just. freezes. Adam doesn’t say anything, just does it fr him, n Eric kinda. Breaks Down a lil bit. like he just starts silently sobbing bc Adam doesn’t have 2 do this. he doesn’t have to help him w one of th things Eric hates most abt his own body. he could think it’s Gross. but he doesn’t think it’s gross n he doesn’t mind touching it and he’s so gentle when applying the ointment n then when he’s done he just kind of leans against Eric’s back bc He Knows. he reaches around front n grabs one of Eric’s hands n just sits there w him while he cries it out, holding his hand 2 say I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere, n that is MAJOR fr Eric. and honestly? tht’s kind of th first time he Rly becomes aware of “oh fuck I love him.” (Adam too, ngl)

basically, the way it starts is a shared experience, smth no one else can rly say they have, an understanding based on tht shared experience. giving each other space until they begin inviting each other in. care, patience, “I’m here.” re-learning th feeling of mutual concern. somewhere along th way, it turns into love, and somehow falling into tht is just as easy.

Eric + baking:

YES I love this hc!! this is smth he picked up during his time btwn jobs during th earlier stages of recovery (but After meeting Adam/connecting w Art) bc he needed smth to do n was just sorta like, “well I guess this works huh?” n like. it was def a learning curve bc Eric can cook, relatively well/at least okay, but baking is a entirely different matter. at frst he was kinda discouraged when things didn’t turn out th way he hoped they would, but w gentle guidance on Art’s side n enthusiastic encouragement frm Adam, he stuck w it n has gotten pretty good as a result!! his fave things 2 make r peanut butter cookies (he does a little design on th top w a fork n both Adam + Art r like Oh My God That’s Adorable) + th aforementioned carrot cake cupcakes!! frosting is usually homemade n it’s usually cream cheese! he makes his own frosting fr cakes n stuff too (Constantly has 2 tell Adam to “keep yr hands off of th frosting/batter/dough! we’re not gonna have any left!!!” even tho tht Doesn’t stop him).

he makes rly good banana bread too! tht one was a lil harder 2 learn but he’s honestly pretty proud of it now. it’s so funny bc Adam typically doesn’t like stuff like tht but if Eric made it? oh it’s Amazing. (he’s like tht w Art’s cooking too kjdfhjs partially bc he is a Disaster in th kitchen, but also bc That’s His BF/Best Friend!!!)

if some1 is feeling particularly shitty he takes requests (Adam usually wants brownies + Art is partial 2 peanut butter cookies but w chocolate chips too) n it’s just a nice lil thing he can do 2 help, which is smth he Always wants to do. he also stress bakes tho so sometimes his bfs have 2 just kinda like check in n make sure he’s doing okay. but! yeah baking is smth he enjoys + is relatively good at!!

William/Mallick dynamic:

yr right I haven’t thought abt this dynamic much but I Am Now!!!

I feel like at his core, William is def a caretaker. Mallick, 2 me, is someone who is just wholly unfamiliar w being cared for. so like, at the Very Least, they’re both dating Adam + Lawrence, right? they spend a lot of time around each other. plenty enough time fr William 2 pick up on this. it just kinda. makes his heart hurt, bc he sees the unease in Mallick’s eyes every time one of thm performs even th smallest acts of kindness fr him - not bc he doesn’t appreciate it/doesn’t want it, but because it’s more that he feels like he doesn’t deserve it. n William Sees That and is just like. I Need U To Know You’re Loved.

they’re comfortable w each other, of course they are! they’re friends, good friends, who happen 2 be dating th same people! who go to bed together at night n wake up w each other in th morning. it’s love, they know tht, but Mallick still always looks so surprised when William makes waffles fr him fr breakfast. William cares.

n Mallick can kinda feel it, and he’s not resistant 2 it, but he’s definitely on edge abt it a little. but William also just has this air abt him that Mallick finds it hard to stay keyed up in, so it doesn’t rly take long fr Mallick to at least be at peace w William’s attention. but the moment he starts to really fathom it is during one of those days he can’t get himself 2 relax n is just shaking out on the couch, knees drawn up to his chest n his arm wrapped around thm, just kinda staring down at th carpet n just Not having the energy to get himself out of his own head. Lawrence + Adam r at work n Eric is taking a quick nap so it’s just Mallick n William.

so Mallick is sitting there spiraling n his breaths r coming out a little fast n William just sits down beside him, a mug of warm tea tht he sets down on th coffee table fr a moment, n he just rests a hand on Mallick’s shoulder. doesn’t say anything, just sort of like. offers tht bridge, opens tht avenue. n Mallick is like This Close to just breaking entirely, but what rly does it is when William just swipes his thumb over his shoulder n squeezes. n Mallick rly DOES break down, almost ugly-sobbing and wheezing, n somehow he ends up w his face in William’s neck, pretty much curled into his side, n tht’s when it truly hits him how much William cares abt him too. tht there are Several People who hold tht kind of room fr him in their hearts n lives. William didn’t even have 2 say anything fr Mallick to understand that, to know it as truth. n tht’s like, one of th events tht actually leads Mallick to building up tht self-esteem, knowing that.

n after tht happens, Mallick is a little less reluctant abt accepting William’s (+ everyone else’s!) help, at least some of the time. like Mallick will catch himself digging his fingers a lil too harshly into th stump of his arm (I’m w u on 10 Pints resulting in at least a partial amputation - like what was tht little scar in 3D???) n then he’ll feel William’s hand cover his n gently curl around his palm 2 be like “I’m not gonna say anything, but I see you, it’s okay,” n his grip relaxes. Eric will notice he’s working himself up too much n he’ll reach out n take one of his hands while he’s pacing + laces their fingers together so tht Mallick has to pause a moment n then he’s able to breathe. Lawrence stumbles across him in th midst of a panic attack n Mallick finds himself breathing easier when Lawrence takes one of his hands, places it over his chest + his heart, n breathes w him. Adam holds him when he jolts awake frm a nightmare. lil things like tht.

one of their fave things to help them both de-stress is they’ll lay in bed n William will read out loud to Mallick, who has his head on his chest n is listening but doesn’t have to put too much energy into keeping up, bc it’s mostly abt being close + having smth to fill the silence tht neither of them feel particularly comfortable in anymore. sometimes Mallick falls asleep n it honestly makes William rly happy bc not only is Mallick relaxed enough to actually close his eyes, he also trusts William enough to fall asleep around him, trusts him during a time he’s at his most vulnerable. it’s not uncommon fr Lawrence to get home frm work to find th two of them curled up against th pillows, sometimes both asleep or just Mallick while William continues reading silently and brushes his fingers thru Mallick’s hair. Adam def has a pic of them like tht somewhere, hung up on th cork board Art had bought specifically fr those kinds of photos. it’s smth easy tht doesn’t really require much energy + has the added bonus of just being close to n held by someone u love n who loves u.

and they help each other. sometimes William has a rly hard time looking at himself, the days where his guilt sits heavy in his chest n doesn’t seem 2 want to anywhere, n Mallick will just sit w him outside on th porch swing and just Be There bc it’s like. “I’m here, I want to b here, Jigsaw was wrong, you are not a terrible person, u did what u could w what u had and I love you,” in a single action. I think William also struggles, like u’ve mentioned tht Eric does, w th guilt of what happened + feeling like it was his fault. so Mallick sitting w him, their shoulders brushing, fr William it’s like, if he was truly as awful a person as John seemed 2 think he was, wld Mallick be this close? wld Mallick willingly lay down beside him some nights n kiss him good morning? wld he kiss him again on th cheek after he makes a fresh pot of coffee + pancakes? n William knows tht Mallick wouldn’t keep himself so close if John was right, so it’s like. proof of tht. n tht means a lot to William. sometimes tht’s all he needs.

they don’t have 2 deal w their struggles alone. they’re both surrounded by ppl who love them n want to see them do well - it’s only natural they feel tht way abt each other, too.

#saw #eric #adam #william #mallick #long post #loved LOVED this ask!!! got me thinkin!!#also I think I might. write smth fr polycule + William/Mallick bc now I'm thinking abt them #ty again adam s4w beloved mutual!! <3 #asks #also update I think I'm gonna. actually start tht masterpost tomorrow lol I!!! crashed hard th other night oops #+ wanted 2 mention I did reference yr answer 2 my Mallick/Eric/Adam ask also!! what w Mallick pacing n Eric taking his hand n all!!

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bookworm411 · 4 years

Text

A Love Letter to Steven Universe

I was eighteen when I first watched Steven Universe. My friends had been trying to get me to watch it for...i don’t even know how long. Years maybe? Because it was a long, long time before I watched the show that they had me listen to Here Comes a Thought when I was feeling particularly anxious one night. I’m pretty sure I cried. I’d never heard a song describe anxiety in such a clear way, and I used it to help calm myself for a long time after, before i even knew who the characters were or what the episode it came from was even about.

Then I started watching Thomas Sanders on YouTube, and he’s a big fan of the show. The more I watched his videos and heard him talk about it, plus the nagging from my friends, the more I thought about watching it.

Now, this was after I’d graduated high school, and I wasn’t in the best mental space. I couldn’t get into/afford collage, I didn’t have a job or even know how to start finding one, or honestly have the urge to get one, so I was at home by myself a lot. All day every day, alone with my thoughts and my sense of, well, uselessness as a human being, with only YouTube, Netflix, and Hulu to keep me company while all my other friends were out doing something with their lives.

I’d been depressed for a long time without realizing it, but this isolation only made things worse.

Thomas Sanders helped. His Sanders Sides videos brought me into a community full of amazing, supportive people. People who...also loved Steven Universe.

So eventually on one of my long hours trying to decide what to watch after finishing Gravity Falls and trying to fill that void, i decided why not? There were a lot of episodes, it would fill the time for a while.

Anyone who’s watched the first few episodes of the show know that it’s...interesting. The first season itself is something one of a kind, but those first few episodes with Cookie Cat and Frybo know that the first time experience of those episodes are something you’ll ever forget, for better or worse.

There were things i didn’t like, of course. there were weird animation moments, Steven was a little bit too annoying at times, Lars was an asshole.

But oh man, the great stuff. Garnet’s complete mystery, Connie’s introduction episode, Giant Woman, Amethyst's pure chaos, the absolute love between the gems and Steven, The Cool Kids being absolute sweethearts to Steven, Greg being so supportive even if he’s a little distant from the gems, Steven’s clear want to know his mother, Together Breakfast, Secret Club, Pearl and Amethyst slowly starting to understand each other and get along. Fucking Stevonie. Lion. the flashback episodes where we got to get to know Rose the same way Steven did, the songs.

Don’t even get me started on the songs.

I was singing along with the opening two or three episodes in.

I started to loo forward to it, as I went through the show. My days went: wake up, get food, watch Steven Universe, probably do something else for a bit, go to bed. Repeat.

(like i said, i had nothing else to do)

I fell in love with the show. I saw a lot of myself in Steven (yes i know i said he was annoying but so was I). In fact i don’t think I’d ever related to a character more. His kindness, his absolute willingness to help anyone who needs it, the love he has for everyone and everything. He was everything i wanted that part of me to be. I was a very eager to please kid, always running errands for teachers, bringing presents for classmates, offering comfort to someone when they needed it. I’m not trying to brag or boast, that’s just...always been who I am. To a fault.

So yeah, I saw a lot of myself (mostly my younger self) in Steven. It helped me connect to him and relate to him easily.

But also, as a storyteller, I was enthralled with the world. The idea of the gems, who they are, where they come from, watching the Townies get used to the weird stuff always going on, watching Steven become a Crystal Gem. The art was beautiful and again, the songs. There were just so many things that I loved about the show that only grew the more i watched it.

Man, I don’t think I’ll ever forget watching Jail Break. Everyone in the fandom talks about it, but it really is just an iconic episode. Meeting Ruby and Sapphire, realizing Garnet is a fusion (which was obvious in hindsight but shut up), Stronger Than You, the baddass fight between Garnet and Jasper. The Lapis and Jasper fusion, the shared feeling between me and the characters at the end of “well. that just happened. what now?”

I loved learning about Beach City, how the gems were involved in the history of it, how different Steven’s Earth is to ours (39 states?)

Then, oh man, Peridot, the growing realization of Steven learning how to deal with his mom’s shadow. I absolutely love the episode where he and the cool kids find Peridot’s escape pod. They had the guts to say to the gems what Steven didn’t or couldn’t or didn’t even know he should.

I could go on and on, about all my favorite plot points, songs, characters, but this is already so long and I’m only on season 2.

Watching Steven grow, go from this little kid who just wanted to be a part of the team to being the leader of the team was incredible. The show talked about real stuff and showed real problems. Everything from making the gems understand that Steven was still a kid to understanding that a step parent can love you more than your biological one. Even just dealing with loneliness and trying find your place in the world, which Steven goes through multiple times.

I can’t count the number of times i re-watched the show. It was my pick-me-up show for when the depression was getting me down, when i needed some light in my life.

During all of this, through every Steven bomb that came out after i finished season four, i started going through my own journey of trying to find my place in the world. I started to go to therapy, eventually. I’ve got a job now, which is nice (if exhausting). I’m 20 now, though, so it took a long time for me to get here, and I’m still trying.

But there were moments that I always held onto. Watching Change Your Mind for the first time as it aired, getting so excited when a new episode was coming on (it reminded me a lot of when i was little, when i would do the same thing for Teen Titans or some other show. The times before you could just pause the TV were fun yet stressful for your bladder). settling down and watching new episodes with my friends when they came over. Singing Here Comes a Thought to my friend’s son when he was an infant, and then watching him watch the TV as the song played while i was re-watching Mindful Education, and then looking at me, like he recognized it as the song I’ll sing to him sometimes. Man I can’t wait until he’s a little older so we can watch it together.

Steven Universe Future honestly reflected the person i was when i first started watching the show (on a very superficial level). Steven trying to figure out what to do now that the universe didn’t need him to save it, him trying to see where he fits in again. Him finally, finally coming to terms with the fact that he is not okay, and having that meltdown that finally led to him getting help, and that got through to his family that he needed them, not the other way around.

I just watched the finale today. I cried like a baby. I’m not afraid to admit it. Watching something that means so much to you end is the definition of bittersweet.

Seven Universe was there for me in my darkest times, when I needed that bit of light. He brought me closer to my friends, helped me make new ones. Gave me something to love when that was hard for me to do.

Now, the show didn’t cure me. It didn’t snap something inside of me or anything like that. It was just a comfort. A warm blanket wrapped around me with a cup of hot cocoa on a snowy day. It didn’t make the snow go away, but it blocked out the cold long enough for me to remember what it’s like to feel warm again, and make me want to seek that warmth permanently.

So thank you, Steven, for everything you’ve done. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need now too.

And thank you Rebecca Sugar, for bringing this light into the world. For fighting for your vision, gifting us your talents, and being a true inspiration to me and many other creators. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next (hopefully after you take a long deserved vacation).

I can’t believe we’ve come so far.

#steven universe #long post #tw depression mention #a love letter to steven universe

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silvysartfulness · 4 years

Note

10, 14, 19, 41, 44!

Ahh, thank you very much for the Ask! :D

10. Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

Actually, I haven't really read fanfic in a very, very long time? I do love fanfic, I just haven't been invested enough in any fandom to gather spoons enough to read fiction in a long time. I've mostly lived in my own original storyverse Pangaea for the past three years or so.

I think the last fandom I actually read some fic for was the MCU in the early days of the first Avengers movie? I was relatively into frostiron for a while and helped my wife beta her fics Spiting The Sun and Do Ut Des, as well as reading some other fics I unfortunately can't recall the names of.

14. Go on, who are your BroTPs?

I love Wei Wuxian's and Wen Qing's dynamic! It's so so so rare to see a male-female friendship that isn't romance coded.

Literal bros with amazing dynamic would be Wei Wuxian and Jiang Chen, because who needs their heart anyway.

19. Is there a ship which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them?

Several, but it's a lot more to do with brain fatigue than aversion to the ships themselves!

I wish I had the energy and focus to read more XiYao, I really do love their chemistry a lot. (I may be on a slippery slope there, we'll see. Maybe I'll point back to this post in another month and laugh hollowly and say ”ahaha, guess I should have seen that obsession coming”. Or not. Who can tell? Not me. I just work here.)

I also... both kind of love and hate SongXiao? Like, I love their dynamic, but there seems to be a very black and white (ba-dum-tsh) view that they're the acceptable pure cinnamon pairing in opposition to the problematic clusterfuck that is XueXiao - and since I'm very much into XueXiao, I daren't look too deeply into SongXiao since there's almost always a very negative vibe regarding Xue Yang and Yi City there. But as two parts of the SongXueXiao disaster that I love, I definitely like them a ton.

SangChen? Is that the shipping name? One of those I can see would be fun, but am just not really feeling it.

To be honest though? I'm a thot for good writing and characterization and if something good enough pops under my nose, I'm very willing to give it a shot, no matter the pairing.

41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading:

I'm still very new in this fandom (hard to believe it's only been a bit more than a month since I jumped in!) and with my brain getting easily overworked, I actually haven't read all that much?

But let's see if I can scrape together 5 fics I read or have read!

1. Chopping Block. This has got to be one of my fave (Song?)XueXiao fics. The way the characters are handled is beautiful, and there have been several of those gut-punch ”oh.” moments where the hurt is so, so good. (The ”his hands get cold” scene, man. MAN.)

2. Red Azalea. This is another utterly charming (Song?)XueXiao fic, a delightful capricious post-Yi-City dance that will also deliver the occasional devastating emotional backhand.

3. My Erstwhile Dear. Aka the fic that decisively picked up my heart and rubbed it face-down into XiYao to the point I'm even on that slippery slope to start with. I find myself thinking about this fic a lot. Like. I probably get distracted thinking about it on an almost daily basis, hoping it'll update. The format of written letters delivers the hurt in such an elegant way, you just gasp for breath.

4. Rewritten. Found this because you rec'ed it! One of the very few modern au's on my list (nothing against modern au’s as such, just not my favourite trope, especially for this show) and damn. Hngh. One of the best openly SongXueXiao fics I've read. The character dynamics, the characterization, the whirl of the timeline layout and the background plot slowly creeping into view... Fucking masterpiece.

5. I'm not being creepy, I promise, but pretty much anything you've written for this fandom? Like, that is literally the last thing in my open fic tabs? Picking one single one is super-hard, but This Place Could Be Beautiful is the one I have bookmarked to browse your stuff, it actually had me literally tearing up reading it, and that's a very good thing? Lick Your Exit Wounds is another one I've re-read several times. Exposure Therapy for some good lighthearted fun (which, still, had me literally tearing up at the part where WWX just so quietly and resignedly asks if he's done something wrong, damn you) And tbh? I. Cannot. Wait. for the fucked up SongXue roadtrip. I cannot. Like. Its state of non-existence torments me. Torments me.

44. What ship do you feel needs more attention?

All mine, of course. (insert ”those pairings were mine, those other OTPs were other people's”-joke here.) Seriously, I'd love for more well written, messy SongXueXiao. XueXiao is also very, very good. And since it seems I at least glance in its direction these days, why not, more XiYao.

And honestly? I have the largest soft spot for any interaction between Wei Wuxian and Xue Yang. Whether sexy or just snarking off doesn't matter (doing both is a bonus).

They are such absolute parallels, the sassy street kids who climbed their way up and through convergent evolution became founders and inventors in a whole new area of cultivation. Never really fitting in - but unlike, for example, Jin Guangyao, who lives and breathes propriety and etiquette to get to own be part of that society, they both just give the cultivation world a big middle finger and walk their respective single plank bridges into the dark. If not for their opposite stances when it comes to caring about other people, they could have been something amazing together. (The whole ”I suffered so I will make sure no-one else will” vs ”I suffered so why shouldn't they?” approach in action there.)

I’m very weak for this, okay, and my brain often tells me delightful stories where they just snark endlessly at each other and it’s beautiful.

#untamed artfulness #thank you so much!#i could flail about these disasters all day #veliseraptor

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sweetbitterpdf · 4 years

Note

eliott + lucas

send me a character and i’ll list:

favourite thing about them

Eliott— his personality and how big it is! he throws himself into everything he does, and he has so so much love. i also (...mostly) really like his side-character presence in s6, and how it’s clear that he’s making progress when it comes to living with his bipolar disorder & he’s become more open about talking about it.

Lucas— his growth throughout s3. with every isak it’s so so beautiful to watch them realize they’re gay and be full of so much fear and confusion, and then compare it to the end of their season where they’re not only so much more comfortable with their identity. as well as them realizing that they have some not so great attitudes re: mental illness, and educate themselves to change those attitudes for the better, you know?

least favourite thing about them

Eliott—that he’s a furry

that he defaults to secrecy and keeping things from people. i absolutely know where he’s coming from though, and that part of his character is deeply relatable to me (and also kind of essential for every even character, at least initially), but there have definitely been times where i’ve wanted to just like.. shake him & be like PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU!! PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU AND THEY WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN AFTER YOU TELL THEM DIFFICULT THINGS

Lucas— he says some... not so great stuff sometimes. i know that’s part of his character, that he’s young and he’s learning (you don’t and can’t know everything, you have to learn somehow), but just like... even what he said to lola when they spoke about her and eliott ‘bringing each other down’ or whatever that line was. just like??? Lucas I Need You To Understand That’s Not How Life Works

favourite line

Eliott— nothing will ever top depuis que je t’ai vu il y a que toi qui compte (ever since i saw you, you’re the only thing that’s mattered) like ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???? IF SOMEONE SAID THAT TO ME I WOULD DIE ON THE SPOT

Lucas— his lil minute by minute speech!! “i’d rather be upset with you than not be with you at all” !!! precious !!

brOTP

Eliott— him & idriss & sofiane!! we were robbed!! we should have gotten actual footage of them hanging out & being friends!!

Lucas— i mean le gang obviously but also i’d love to see him actually have a good friendship w lola because they have similar (read, complicated) relationships with their parents, and when it comes to that sort of stuff it can help SO so much to just talk with someone who understands, you know?

plus that would allow elu to ascend to their true Lola’s Gay Dads form

OTP

Eliott— him & lucas OBVIOUSLY THEY’RE SOULMATES YOUR HONOUR

Lucas— SEE ABOVE

nOTP

Eliott— him & lola lmao they’re another bro-tp though!! i can really appreciate what they tried to do w the big bro/little sis kinda relationship. i think it could have been done better (and without the kiss lmao i don’t care if it was for the film i’m still bitter)

Lucas— him and Literally Any Woman

random headcanon

Eliott— he continues making films but since that’s not a super consistent source of income he also teaches art classes to junior high/high school students!! it was a big outlet for him when he was younger & struggling and he wants to introduce that same outlet to other teenagers who might be going through similar things!!

Lucas— similarly, i can see lucas as a science teacher of some sort! i’m not sure if they’re the sort of couple to want kids, but for some reason i can see them as teachers at the same school and loving the kids that they teach!!

i can also see the students talking in hushed whispers as they see them leave together after the school day is over, ‘did you hear that M. Lallemant & M. Demaury are IN LOVE???’ and some of the more bold students asking them outright if they’re together hehe oh no this is turning into an AU in my head isn’t it

unpopular opinion

Eliott— as bouncy & energetic as he often is, he likes cats more than dogs (slightly!! i’m not saying he doesn’t like dogs!!)

he and lucas end up with a couple of cats who are super chill and he takes them for walks and dresses them up in funny little outfits hehe

(realizing now that this is just another headcanon oops?? but i don’t think i have any unpopular opinions abt him??)

Lucas— i’ve pushed this agenda before but lucas 👏🏻 has 👏🏻 generalized 👏🏻 anxiety 👏🏻 disorder 👏🏻

he goes to therapy (per eliott’s encouragement) and he also takes low-dose anti-anxiety meds for it!!

song i associate with them

Eliott— the song from the s3 preview/teaser!!

Lucas— i love you by riopy!! the height of romance!!!!

favourite picture of them

Eliott— no thoughts head empty except for croissant ear eliott

Lucas— SENS DE LA VIE R U KIDDING ME?? ELIOTT BETTER STOP THAT BOY IS GONNA KILL ME

honourable mention 4 both of them goes to this row on eliott’s insta the professional quality is ridiculous but we’re all agreed on that, but otherwise these three pics just look so... real? and like, casually-coupley? you know what i mean??

#nooraevas #asks;#valentina i love that you sent me all of our fave gays within like??? LITERALLY 15 seconds of me rbing the ask post adjkghjkdsgh #also whoops re: sending u ones you've done already >://

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venus-says · 4 years

Text

Futari wa Precure Episodes 01-26

Am I rewatching precure? I can't believe this!

Yes, this is not a fever dream, I'm really rewatching precure, and not just Futari wa but THE WHOLE FRANCHISE. Am I crazy? Yes, because I'm already watching too much stuff at the same time and I barely have time for that as of right now, but I love screwing myself over so here we are!

I can't really remember the exact thing that sprung this desire of rewatching precure on me, but I've been thinking about it for quite some time now, at least since I wrapped up on the Aikatsu marathon before On Parade started, in fact, one of the reasons I started doing the old Kamen Rider reviews was because of this. I just didn't start it earlier because I'm the kind of crazy that picked a calendar, looked at the dates, and made the calcs, and realized I could watch pretty much everything in one year so I decided to keep this "project" for 2020 and start the new decade with a bang.

So this is how it'll go: I'll be dividing each season into quarters and pretty much covering one season per month with posts coming out weekly every Wednesday, the only exceptions for this rule are Futari wa and Yes! since these are the only seasons with sequels so instead of dividing into quarters I'll divide them in half and watch two seasons in a month rather than just one. Also, different from Kamen Rider's case, since I'm more familiar with the franchise and I know how the movies go I'll also be watching the movies and posting about them as I go along (All stars movies will come out usually in between the first and the second week, while solo movies will be in between the third and the forth). I really hope I don't go nuts and that this can go as smoothly as possible. XD In any case, it's precure time!

I promised myself I'd keep nostalgia out of these rewatches and do them like if it was my first time watching the series so that I can be less biased on certain aspects, but when it comes to the OGs is really difficult to not have my thoughts clouded by it. I may not have been around since Precure first aired, but Futari wa was effectively my first precure season too, I joined this bandwagon when Heartcatch was airing and I was so in love that I wanted to watch the past seasons and Futari was was my first choice and it holds a very special place in my heart because of that. I tried my best to keep those feelings out of this review and in some cases I was able to it effectively while on others not so much so, I apologize for that. XD

I usually try to separate these reviews on blocks of Plot, Characters, Designs, and commentary on specific episodes and I'm gonna try to apply this structure here more or less.

Talking about the plot... there's not a lot of it. XD

Like yeah, there's the whole Dark Kingdom attacking the Garden of Light thing, and the sort of scavenger hunt for the Prism Stones (not the Pretty Rhythm ones, just to be clear) and all of that, but there's not a whole lot going on beside it, is just Nagisa and Honoka goofing around while their friendship solidifies, they sometimes bump heads but that's pretty much it. And honestly, that's not bad, as while isn't a story about Nagisa and Fujipi the more slice-of-life portions are amazing.

The cure portion that is the problem, to start the action in these 26 episodes isn't the greatest, most of the time is just the cures being thrown away until they get fed up, say "I'll never forgive you!", hold hands, and they throw either a Marble Screw or, in rare occasions, a Rainbow Therapy. Of course, special fights with generals sometimes get a little more flare, but in general, they're pretty lackluster. Also, it feels like things weren't paced properly with the beginning and the end happening very fast and the middle being overly long in comparison. And of course, there's the element of defeating a villain or a set villains while there's still half a season ahead which means change of villains for people who we never knew existed before and apparently were a big deal, and if you read my Kamen Rider review you know how I feel about huge changes affecting the antagonists...

But oh well, I have lots of things to get through so I won't hammer on this for too long. MOVING ON.

Futari wa's biggest strength, at least for this first half, is CHARACTERS. The side cast has many hits or misses, but the protagonists Nagisa and Honoka more than compensate for it. One fun thing of this whole experience was kinda re-discovering them? Because I never watched the OG precure and Max Heart again after my first time watching like 10 years ago and I also don't have the best memory so I forgot a lot of minor things, like how Nagisa is such a downer in regards to their mission, and how positive and bright Honoka is and these are traits that are kinda opposites to their personalities with Nagisa being more outgoing and energetic and Honoka being more calm and polite, and this is so perfect and so much fun, I love it to that. Speaking of surprises I forgot how much of a savage Honoka was, like, the girl put a group of thieves on the line by just yelling at them. THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF POWER.

Unfortunately, they don't come alone. Their fairy partners, Mepple and Mipple, are... annoying. Mipple not so much, she has moments where I go "Really queen?" but for the most part she doesn't bother me, in fact, I'm sympathetic towards her who has to be partnered romantically with such a piece of crap of a male that Mepple is. I don't know why but I completely forgot the jerk that Mepple actually is and let me tell you, it wasn't fun seeing him being misogynist, selfish, and just plain rude, not just to Nagisa regularly but also with Mepple, it's actually very sad. I don't remember if he gets any better in the future, but for now, I'm hating him.

The side characters aren't very special, the girls in the Lacrosse Team and the Science Club are more or less just extensions and supporters or Nagisa and Honoka but I overall like them. The major highlights in terms of side characters are Akane and Fujipi. Akane is a huge positive because she has great energy, she's very fun, and he not only provides a meeting point for the girls but also has a mentor role, though its a very little one, that is great to see. Fujimura on the other hand... I admit, the dude is okay, he never really did anything relevant so there's nothing to hate on him per se, but he's a love interest and his situation with Nagisa never develops on any sort of way is just a very flat experience which makes his relevance even smaller so I can't help but think "what is he still doing here, just disappear with him already" every time he's up on the screen.

There's no other way to put this, the villains are plane as hell. Some of them have good designs but overall, they're very band. Pissard seems like it could've been a cool dude but we spent only 5 episodes with him, that's not enough time with him to make him interesting. Gekidrago is the boring and stereotypical "dumb villain", I think I don't need to write anything else after that. Irukubo is the stoic powerful villain, but much like in Pissard's case, we barely see him in action so it's not enough to make me care for him, and the Dark King is just a horrible CGI blob of darkness. The best villains of this first half are the siblings Poisony and Kiriya, Poisony is actually the best one of the generals seeing that she's a strategist and most of her plans were all pretty good so she was always able to get the cures corned in some way, she may have flunked her cover in that episode where she disguises as Honoka for not doing her research well before assuming the role, but overall she's amazing. Kiriya is the villain that never attacked the cures directly, as far as I remember he never summoned a Zakkenna, and putting it like this may sound like a bad thing, but trust me, it's not. He's the first precure villain to get a "redemption" and as rushed as it was his presence in the story and his arc as a character was also pretty well done so he deserves to share the podium with his sister as best villains.

Since we're talking about villains let's talk about the cures now. Black and White have a very simple design and that's not a bad thing, they're simple but they're still pretty different from each other and it's not a difference that screams to the eyes like id there was something wrong, they complement each other perfectly which only helps in making them this iconic duo that they are. The transformation items, as well as the Prism Hopeish and that notepad thingy, are very 2000's but they have their charm. I think the thing that didn't age very well were the effects for the transformations and the attacks, don't get me wrong I love their original transformation, there's a frame on it that is just marvelous, but watching with 2020's eyes there are parts that feel very wonky. Following the theme, the attacks have a very simple animation but in this case, it works because they can make some very interesting stuff with it, like launching a Marble Screw through Poisony's Umbra Witch hair.

Going into more detail on the episodes, these 26 ones feel like a normal seasonal anime, despite the pacing problems if these 26 episodes were a single season it would've worked well because there was no loose end lost in the mix, maybe the Fujipi stuff would be the only thing that would end with no proper closure, but then again that's not important so it would be a satisfying end. There were four major arcs inside this mini-season so I'll comment on them separately.

The first and shortest arc is the introductory arc that goes from Episodes 1 to 5. And there's not a lot to say here, they introduce the characters, the mission, and the character relations on a good way, there was nothing stellar but it's a good introduction to the series, the only let down is the fighting portion that is very lackluster, in special the final fight against Pissard that was supposed to be a big important moment but that in the end was just very not impressive at all.

The second arc goes from Episode 6 to 11. This is probably the most boring arc of all despite some interesting happening here, we have the introduction to the Prism Stones and the Prism Hopeish, they first use the Rainbow Therapy here, and we also have the famous arc where Nagisa and Honoka fight for the first time and tighten their bonds. These are all interesting points but the set-up for these things to happen weren't the best, like for example Nagisa and Honoka's fight, I always remembered this as a very important moment, AND IT IS, the lesson learned at the end is pretty good and it results on them calling each other for their first name which is a key moment, but all of that happened because of Nagisa's feelings for Fujipi and all that misunderstanding and ughhh that's such a boring reason to make them fight, it was really a letdown. I think after everything the thing that stroke me the most was Honoka's birthday episode and how badass she was for putting some sense into the head of three adult men, which was really magnificent. Also, the first proper fight happened in this arc in the final battle against Gekidrago, it was short but it was good nonetheless.

The biggest arc is the third one that goes from Episodes 12 to 21. This is my favorite arc and a big part of it is because Poisony and Kiriya start to get active here. I don't know how to explain but their addition to the cast made things more dynamic and interesting to watch. Poisony's plans always led to interesting situations like when she hypnotized their classmates that were playing dress-up as the cures, or when she trapped them inside that mirror dimension, or even her last moments in the show where she used that old trick of impersonating someone and making the protagonist having to choose who's the real and who's the fake one, you know even if the precure portions weren't the best, they were put in the most interesting situations in this arc. Together with that, we have Kiriya that goes through a very interesting arc, until now I don't really know why he infiltrated in the school since, as I mentioned, he never acted directly as a villain against the precure (not as far as I can remember) but his interactions with the crew and especially his relationship with Honoka was quite interesting to see it develop. My high points from this arc were episode 18, the one where a girl confesses her feelings for Kiriya - there's a lot of interesting stuff happening here, and episode 20, Poisony's defeat and one of the best fights of this portion of the season. My low point would be episode 19 more because Mepple is being a jerk here than anything else, but I didn't enjoy this episode as much as I did to the other in this arc.

The final arc of this portion is another small one, it covers episodes 22 to 26, and this one is very odd. We start with a filler centered around Honoka's dog of all things that are followed by two two-parters that wrap-up this first half. I'm gonna be honest I don't like this arc, one because it introduces Pollun and two because the "final" fight is very unimpressive, yeah Shining Star debuts here and is a big moment but overall isn't the best, which is understandable after all are two girls launching a beam at a giant dark blob of CGI and there's not a whole lot there, but its fun to see a preview of what will become the Extreme Luminario in the next season. I also don't like how they didn't let the episode finish on a downer note with both of the girls missing their partners and such. But oh well, at least we had Episodes 23 and 24 here there were very interesting, they had this mystery/horror film vibe to it and I loved it.

And that's pretty much all I had to say! Thank you for reading all of this mess, I really appreciate it, I'm very excited to be doing this and I hope I can count with your support through this year. What are your thoughts on Futari wa? Let me know in the comments. I'll see you, folks, on a next time, and don't forget, if you ever see a shooting star be careful with what you wish for, a cellphone thing may fall from the sky right on your head and unless if you're an anime girl you will be in risk of having a concussion. XD In any case, see you around. o/

#Futari wa Pretty Cure #Futari wa Precure #precure

11 notes · View notes

letsgsantana · 4 years

Text

tagged: sam evans &. santana lopez

when: nov. 15th - 16th.

notes: discord text.

tana: the thigh hickey you gave me has almost disappeared.

tana: which means you need to re-up on moi.

tana: and I’m craving churros. Hot, from Ted’s by the cafeteria.

tana: and possibly you.

sam: churros and hickeys. what a combo

sam: anything else you want me to fetch you before i come and fuck you into the mattress?

tana: is your neck free for business, or is two o’clocks still ripe on there?

tana: wow, did you get that from some 80’s porn?

[a beat]

tana: and to return the favor I might have bought some coca-cola lip smacker for you to kiss off.

sam: you did a pretty good job the last time because it's still there for everyone to see

sam: it's annoying that no one believes that i burned myself on a curling iron sam: no, more like early 2000s amateur stuff

sam: oh, you're spoiling me here, santana

tana: I’ve always had a soft spot for ‘I was here’ tokens.

tana: that hair screams blow dry. That mark screams some A-list lips.

tana: awe, so the the golden age of porn, iyo?

tana: you’ve possibly earned a treat or two.

sam: you know, you're not as dominant in bed as you are on text

sam: i quite like this versatile santana that i'm getting

sam: thank you! that's what i keep saying! sam: care to give a hint of what those treats are?

tana: I'm lonely, so I sub out for a brat. [erased]

tana: you've caught me off-guard. And it's been a minute since I've had a hot minute.

tana: and you might be above average.

tana: and I haven't even showed you the beginning of what ten plus years of cheering has done for my versatility.

tana: either the baking kind, the me kind, and possibly an impression request kind.

[a moment later]

tana: or all of the above.

sam: i'm not at all complaining, i quite like taking charge. especially if it makes you beg

sam: oh, you need to show me soon, because i want to see this

sam: i can give you all three of those

sam: what impression would you like to see? i personally think a sean connery one would go down well with you

tana: a mess in life, and in-control in the bedroom? respect.

tana: i have a thing for dorks with big hands that feel good around my throat. tana: well, well, someone's working for that number one spot.

tana: are you trying to turn me on wit a sean connery impression?

[after a moment]

tana: explain.

sam: i gotta get something right, and with these lips, it was bound to be that sam: good, i wasn't sure if the choking was too much, but i'm glad to know that we were on the same page with that

sam: can't deny that i want to be your number one

sam: he's james bond, duh?

tana: you're in college, so at least you can add that to your list of accomplishments.

tana: if you saw my incognito google pop up, you'd blush, Sammy. It was just barely enough.

tana: moved on to porn with a touch of romcon? a hoe with a heart. my hero. tana: if this means I get to dress up as a bond girl and you never speak of this to anyone. I may be seriously entertaining this.

sam: i'm sure that the american museum of natural history will be impressed with the fact that i can make you cum three times with my mouth and another two times with my dick

sam: no? i think it might be time for us to welcome a safe word into this, because i don't want to hurt you

sam: some people would call it a gentleman in the street, a freak in the sheets, but a hoe with a heart does the job

sam: oh my god, yes please!

sam: also, i'm pretty sure just the sight of you being a bond girl would make me cum, so there's that

tana: well duh. It’s few and far between a woman gets that kind of pleasure from a man. Gotta mark it down when it does.

tana: jinxy. What do you think?

tana: i don’t think your hoe energy ever strays too far, so it’s best stick to factual nicknames.

tana: well, I do like cum. Especially yours.

sam: do i make the top ten list of best ginsburg lovers then?

sam: jinxy? i can work with jinxy

sam: then you haven't seen my gentlemanly ways - we can always change that if you want

sam: oh? what makes mine so special?

tana: no.

tana: and that's because I don't have a lovers list. But some of the best sex I've had here? Consider yourself lucky, because yes.

tana: also lovers list? what wattpad fanfic are you neck deep in, dork.

tana: I mean sure, but he better be just as hot and charmin-[erased]

tana: I wouldn't mind, as long as he's as hot as hoe sam.

tana: there's a lot and you look hot. and you've usually got my hair in your fist while you're cumming on my face.

sam: i'm flattered. /and/ it is definitely reciprocated. a lot

sam: "forbidden" - it's about harry styles and louis tomlinson. it's not very good though

sam: yeah, i think you're gonna see more of gentleman sam than hoe sam from now on

tana: I know.

tana: sounds terrible.

tana: why’s that?

sam: do you know tina cohen-chang?

tana: ya.

sam: yeah, i like her and i kinda fucked it up

tana: oh god.

tana: have you been sleeping with me while you’ve been with her?

tana: is that your girlfriend?

sam: she's not my girlfriend

sam: i'm sorry. you're not the only that i've been seeing. there's kinda been a lot of people

sam: i'm really sorry

tana: oh.

tana: well, if you’re single. Who cares.

tana: if I wanted to sleep with anyone else, I would have already. No apologies about it.

sam: it's more than that, you know? like, we've been going on dates.

sam: i just didn't realize that we were actually..."dating"

sam: you just deserve to know that

tana: you probably didn’t realize you were dating because you weren’t...

tana: why are so mopey, babe?

tana: you fucked around, and I guess accidentally got into a relationship.... tana: how long have even known tina?

tana: I’m just saying, people who jump into relationships in college usual need therapy, not a partner.

sam: we've known each other for like almost two months, which is ridiculous because i didn't want this to happen so fast, but like, guess my feelings just caught up with me one night

sam: oh, girl, if i could afford therapy i would've done it a long time ago. i've got some huge baggage

tana: you could save the date money to go to a therapy fund.

[.....]

tana: sam, you seem caught up in....something.

sam: that's probably the best advice anyone's given me lately

sam: no, i'm not caught up anymore, i got the zipper out of my nut

tana: looking back my reaction to your relationship might have not been the best. My bad. I should have just thrown

in response and be done with it, but. Like....

tana: you’re sleeping with everyone then suddenly in a relationship because you went on some dates and found out that meant you were dating someone... tana: sounds like deflecting and micro-managing in an unhealthy way.

tana: we were just talking about you giving me a facial. I’m just saying. That’s one hell of a turn around.

sam: it was never explicitly a relationship. we never said anything. and she'd hinted a couple of times at knowing about me seeing more people than just her sam: i told her that i was falling in love with her - it was incredibly random when i said it, i just blurted it out without even thinking about it, or ever having thought about it actually.

sam: and then she lost her virginity to me

sam: i don't know what's going on, i just know that i miss her

tana: you need to put down the watt pad fanfiction ‘cos it’s tripping your brain into thinking you’re in love with someone. missing someone doesn’t mean you should be in a relationship with them, it means you miss them.

tana: I’m just saying. Figure this out inline at the medi-whatever line for some healthcare, and fast track to a therapist office for an appointment. If you need company I’ll offer mine, and critics on your impressions. I’ll even bring the churros this time.

tana: but partying, sleeping around, then poking your head up from the land down under because you’ve randomly had the thought to love someone out of your line-up? Babe, just no.

tana: but most of all, breathe.

sam: It's not like that. Missing her means more to me than just that

sam: I don't know for sure if I'm falling in love with her - I think I am. Because I know I've never felt this way before about anyone. And it's confusing as hell, but she does make me feel a way that no one else has done before

sam: But I agree - it's gone way too fast. And no one seems to get that

[...]

sam: I don't particularly want to talk about this anymore though. I just want to know if you and I are still...okay? It might just be me, but it sounds like you wouldn't mind hanging out with me, even if I'm not fucking you

tana: how many times before have you said you liked a girl? And that it was more than any other of the girls before them?

tana: were you just dating her because she’s the only one who said yes, or because you only wanted to date her.

[.....]

tana: just think on it. And again, breathe. And stop randomly telling people you’re in love with them, amateur hour.

tana: I’m not sure yet. It might be hard for me to see you and not get wet. But maybe if you impress over text I’ll let you take me to get a beer so I can platonically roast you.

sam: This is the first time

sam: No, to start off, it was just a casual thing between us. She was obviously a virgin, but there were some pretty heavy make-out sessions going on. We made a deal, to get to know each other better - for her safety of not just losing her virginity to some random guy. And so we ended up just going on a lot of dates. I genuinely wanted to get to know her better

sam: I'm breathing. Thank you

sam: Just call me beef, because I'm yours to roast all day and all night, Santana

tana: sure jan.

tana: so you guys have rush delivered every step of the way. please don't get divorced before 25.

tana: you want to get to know everyone better. [erased]

tana: definitely not hanging out with you now that your 'beef' is off the table.

sam: She's not talking to me right now, so I don't think we gotta worry about that

sam: Listen, I was never that nasty. It was only on the kitchen counter those two times, and that was because you were wearing that red lacy thong and nothing else, and I've got a weak spot for that

tana: good.

tana: Well excuse me for picking up on how much you liked me spread. I thought the all access, all the time, with the crotchless red thongs would be appreciated.

tana: although, you still owe me a pair. You can gift those when you're single in a couple of weeks.

tana: if I don't like them, you can take them back. if I do, you can tell me if the guy I've replaced you with will. I'll even spread them for you.

sam: As much as I enjoy this conversation, I think it's time to shut it down

sam: Please do let me know if my replacement is any better than me though. I want to know if anyone can overtake these lips

tana: true, tell sean connery I said down boy.

tana: of course I will.

tana: what are you doing?

sam: Sean Connery? My dick?

sam: I just got back home, after practically following Tina around all day. Well, walking her to all of her classes and trying to get her to talk to me, but with my testicle still aching, I was more limping than anything else

sam: Probably just gonna put "Bob's Burgers" on and try and fall asleep to that. Maybe open a bottle of Jack.

sam: You?

tana: you do know that's creepy, not romantic.

tana: an entire bottle? stick to a cup. it's been a long day for you.

tana: I might go to an open mic night. People love vintage shit there and I need to peddle my shop some more.

sam: She went out last night, I got her a coffee this morning to hopefully make it better - I had a purpose, don't worry. It's not like I was stalking her

sam: Hmmmmmm, a bottle sounds more appetizing though

sam: Oh yeah? If you want to swing by afterwards, you're welcome to. We can just watch a movie or something

tana: this is so lame [erased]

tana: so not as creepy. good.

tana: sounds like alcohol poisoning.

tana: I don't know if you've proved movie only worthy. We'll see, evans.

sam: Not like full-on creepy. I try to only keep it semi-creepy

sam: Sounds like a good time

sam: Well, I guess I can also offer you a cup of Jack, if you want, so it's not just a movie that you came around for

tana: which is why you just need to be full-on single.

tana: also, question. why are you following her around like you have something to make up for?

tana: glutton for punishment?

tana: I haven't drank in a week. I'm a little scarred from post-halloween.

sam: I don't want to be

sam: Well, first of all, I hurt her. And now she's not really replying to my texts, in the sense that she's not.../talking/ to me or hearing me out. So, I figured it'd be easier if it was face to face. But it's not like she stopped to talk or anything

sam: Something like that

sam: Scarred? What are you scarred from?

tana: that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be.

tana: I know you hurt her, but again, why are you following her around like you need to make-up for something?

tana: you were single and hooked up with people.

tana: if she’s upset about that, that sucks, but that still doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.

tana: pick something other than alcohol.

tana: I was hungover all weekend. It sucked. I’m too weak for all that.

sam: I played her and made her feel like there was more between us, that's why sam: I did everything wrong, Santana

sam: Weed?

sam: You gotta end it where it started - with more alcohol. A cold beer the next morning is the only way to get through a bad hangover

tana: did you tell her you weren’t seeing anyone else? Or did she assume and set herself up for disappointment?

tana: I’m not saying you don’t suck, but it’s NOT all on you.

tana: I don’t like that she’s putting this all on you- [erased]

tana: I want to puke at the thought.

tana: which is why I’m detoxing with pot.

sam: I didn't say anything about seeing other people, but I also didn't say that I was only seeing her. She kept hinting at maybe knowing that she wasn't the only one, constantly reassuring me that I was the only one that she was seeing - despite going to the halloween party with Brody

sam: What makes you say that? What have I not done wrong?

sam: I can do weed. I mean, I'd probably still keep the bottle of Jack around, but I wouldn't drink all of it, y'know?

tana: sounds manipulative.

tana: hold on.

[**santana taps his icon and presses the call button. She brushes her hair behind her ear and traps her phone between her ear and shoulder as she pours some oatmeal in a bowl. When he picks up, she doesn’t spare him time for a hello-]

tana: you’re single, you fucked around. There’s nothing wrong that. Someone else’s assumptions and wants aren’t your problem. She was reassuring you because she wanted reassurance, which meant she knew you were fucking around.

tana: guilting you about it is wack, Sam. But next time don’t be so fast and loose with your dick.

[a beat]

tana: and next time don’t let someone convince you, you’re in the wrong for having a sexual appetite beyond them while you’re single. You didn’t play her, she played herself.

tana: oh, and hi. My fingers were hurting.

[Sam wasn't sure exactly what was happening. He was mid-reply, about to send Santana a confused text to what she was doing, when his screen changed and he saw that she was calling him instead. Sighing, he braced himself for what was about to come, clicked on the green phone to accept the call and opened his mouth to say hi, but was quickly cut off by Santana's rant. He wasn't quite sure what to say after everything that she'd told him, and was just silent for a bit]

sam: Hi

[He finally said, and sighed]

sam: I'm not entirely sure what you want me to say here. Several people are telling me that what I did was wrong- hell, I feel like what I did was wrong anyway. I know we never made it exclusive, but I did tell her something that sure as hell sounded like that was what we were

tana: what did you say, and when?

[Sam let out a deep sigh. This was probably the 20th time he explained it to someone]

sam: A couple of nights ago we went up on the rooftop of my apartment building to look at the stars, and she told me to tell her a secret. I'm not good with secrets, I either tell people everything, or I don't tell them at all. But, she was also kissing my neck and it was a lot, you know?

[Sam paused for a bit, bringing his hand up to rub his tired eyes]

sam: So I just blurted out that I was falling for her. I mean, if I was in her position, I would assume that it meant that the person was cutting off everyone else. Like, it's pretty serious, you know?

tana: babe. If tina didn’t know that a love confession from you didn’t mean you guys weren’t together, one, she doesn’t know you at all, whether she has a rolodex card of secrets on you or not. Two, that’s not how dating work. Case in point- you. And honestly, a lot of guys.

tana: so, again. You BOTH have your own parts in this train wreck. You randomly blurting out you love people for no reason, and her trying to manipulate her way to a relationship instead of being blunt and saying, ‘I want to be with you.’

sam: I don't know what to tell you, Tana

tana: why do you think you need to tell me something...? I’m comforting you, not the other way around.

[There was a silence as Sam took in what the girl had said, thinking it through.] sam: You're comforting me?

tana: rude! [she practically yelled]

tana: but um, ya.I’m trying.

[Sam removes the phone from his ear, holding it away from him for a second, as he hears Santana yell at him. Then he puts it back to talk to her]

sam: No, it wasn't meant like that! I just meant more that...I've had to explain myself over and over again with people, and I guess I was just expecting the same with you

[sam couldn’t see it, but she frowned. It didn’t feel right. The blame being put on him, and the exhaustion in his voice.]

tana: stop explaining yourself. You’re not the only wrong in this situation. Are you right? Not particularly. But you’re not wrong for having a sex life while single. You are wrong for not communicating more, and dropping L bombs out of the blue. Just like she’s wrong for playing games, instead of just saying how she felt, just so she could have you chasing her around campus for no good reason.

tana: I’ll be over in an hour. One cup of Jack. That’s your limit.

sam: Tell it to the people who think it's alright to be all up my business about this, please.

[Thinking about it for a moment, Sam sighed]

sam: Actually don't, I think it's best if I just deal with them myself.

sam: Three cups. I can have three cups of it. I bought it myself, it's mine

tana: who is all up in your business?

[her eyebrows crinkled together, annoyed for him.]

tana: don't worry. I have to leave my important to really warm-up for a good run through someone's soul.

tana: sam, you're trying to not touch on me. one cup, we don't want to blame it on the a-a-a-lcohol, moment.

[she snickered, cracking open an egg as her griddle started to warm up.]

sam: It doesn't matter, just forget that I said anything.

sam: Yes, but I'm also in a lot of pain with my testicle and alcohol numbs the pain. See, logic?

tana: okay....

[she sighed, debating on pressing the issue and on the whim she went with:] tana: if you need a place to vent, I'm here. No offense, but I'm cruising on side-eye with most people, and going full snixx for anyone is going to take a lot of encouragement.

tana: so you're going to have a lot of focus on your crotch, drink a lot of alcohol, and not try to flirt with me. [there's a pause]

tana: Shaky logic.

sam: Thanks, Tana, I might take you up on it sometime. It means a lot to me as well, you know? For now though, I'm done, I think I've talked about this enough. I kinda want to just move on to the next part of this entire shabang [Sam pauses, hearing what she's just said and swallows hard. She had a point that he hadn't thought of.]

sam: I mean, it's not like I can do anything anyway with my dick, because of how sore it is, but if you prefer, you're welcome to come over tomorrow instead?

tana: hopefully single, but knowing you...

tana: I was serious about taking the steps to get public healthcare or w/e the poor term is.

[santana snickers, her voice drops a little and get's breathy]

tana: sammy, you know how much I enjoyed sucking your dick, and you know how good I was at it. let's not tempt one another.... [she sighed[

tana: i'll text you later and let you know if I'm coming by.

sam: Well, I am most definitely single right now, and with no game-plan whatsoever, so there's that. Also, yeah, I know. I'll look into it. It's not just this whole thing that requires therapy. I've got a lot of baggage that needs to be dealt with [Biting his lip, Sam can feel himself growing horny and groans]

sam: You're tempting me right now, this isn't fair. It's not like I'm teasing you with anything.

sam: But yeah, sure, let me know so I can put some sweatpants on before you get here

tana: good. Single is good.

tana: and making decisions based off what YOU want, with discretion on how it’ll effect others is even better - or at least that’s what I’m told. tana: down boy, [she sang in a sing-song voice] neither I or my cleavage is there yet. Keep the pants off. See you in a couple hours. [She smiled, then hung up.]

#iphone:all #iphone:sam

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 5 years

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Grand Titans Rewatch: 1.02

it’s been literal months since i started this project and neither this nor the fic series that’s supposed to go alongside it has garnered much attention, if any, but damn it, i made a commitment and this time, i’m going to follow through.

for reference, episode 1’s recap here, and its corresponding fic tag is here.

SPOILERS ahead for pretty much the entire series.

1. the recap portion of the episode leans very heavily on the type of horror genre that rachel’s character brings to the show, and honestly, i love it. the superhero genre can feel very… sterile at times, with bright, clean colours and costumes and standard team-ups ending in a climactic punch-fest. the insidious horror of rachel discovering something huge and dangerous inside of her and trying—and largely failing—to control it bleeds into the rest of the show; each of the team has an inner demon to battle, but the lesson isn’t triumph over the beast as much as it is acceptance. it’s unfortunate that the dc live action universe in general has developed a reputation for being gratuitously grimdark; i love the thematic consistency that the tone brings to the show, and it is honestly the freshest take on these characters that i’ve seen so far.

1.5. there’s something to be said, too, about this muddy-window perspective we get into these established superheroes’ lives—the intriguing, sometimes downright opaque scenes of them trying to re-build from wreckage. i love that this is how they choose to distinguish themselves in a very, very crowded arena: the origin story here is not for the superheroes or even the team themselves, but the bonds they form and the family that they become.

2. i kinda love the clash between the goofy costume and the grimdark torture scene. it’s never immediately obvious, but this show is remarkably committed to its comic book roots—so much so that it’s kind of jarring. usually in the journey from the comic to the screen there is an ironing-out of genre and tone, but this show will show you its spandex clad hero with the plastic-feather cape being threatened with torture and castration because that’s how it goes in the comics, goddammit!

2.25. it’s pretty impressive that they’re able to afford such a big place in washington dc

2.5. hank and dawn’s easy intimacy is lovely to watch. i remember not being fond of this long detour to introduce these two relatively obscure characters right after all that juicy set-up in the first episode the first time i watched this, but now i can enjoy the languid way their story unravels, the little glimpses we get into the life they’ve led and the marks that it has left behind.

2.8. a delightfully cheesy moment with the giant bird cage immediately followed by a quietly devastating depiction of sexual impotence and a possible addiction to multiple painkillers! see what i mean?

oh! and before i forget:

MIRRORS, MIRRORS, EVERYWHERE: 9

3. flashback time! can’t say that i’m terribly impressed with the fight choreography; there appears to be hardly any contact between the heroes’ kicks and lunges and the thugs they’re supposed to be fighting, and a lot of slow-motion and editing trickery needs to be employed to make this look kinetic. i don’t really blame them much, though—those capes look awfully cumbersome to be just walking around in, leave alone fight. and i’m glad that the show is making a point of showing that robin’s style of fighting in flippier and more acrobatic than the others’.

3.65. aaaand we get our first hint of History between dick and dawn. to be honest, given what i remember of the rest of s1 and what we know of s2, it does seem like they’re making it so that the original titans did exist, swapping out roy and wally for hank and dawn. i’m not super-enthusiastic about this decision, but we’ll see how it plays out.

4. dick and rachel!

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS INTERACTION:

a) rachel desperately trying to hide how scared and vulnerable she feels behind brittle defiance

b) dick bemused and concerned and casting around for ways to connect with her but giving up too easily

c) “for the lady” – oh, dick. i love you.

d) rachel warily checking her reflection

e) dick making false promises of safety to rachel in order to get her to come with him to washington—a manipulative little ploy that i’m sure was par-for-the-course during his time with batman

f) “but sometimes there’s no time to be scared” is that what kid!dick told himself when he was starting out as robin oh my heart hurts

g) dick just dropping out of his job for an indefinite time without notice because why in the world would bruce wayne’s ward ever have to worry about keeping down a steady job? he’s utterly unconscious of this, which makes it hilarious

MIRRORS, MIRRORS EVERYWHERE: 10

5. i’m already really fond of rohrbach and charlie the m.e. i know s2’s slate is already really crowded, but i wouldn’t mind seeing a resurrected rohrbach make an appearance, and for bit more of a spotlight on dick’s day job.

6. OH MAN i honestly didn’t remember that dick phoned alfred this episode! and that he considered—for a second—calling bruce! poor guy’s genuinely scared. for all his ‘fuck batman’s, dick’s anger and fear is more internally directed than he realises. this boy needs therapy.

6.5. dick going “… obviously” at rachel telling him not to get pineapple on their pizza makes me think he was definitely setting out to get pineapple on their pizza at that moment.

6.75. oh fuck. i knew it was coming, but that dead guy screaming at rachel through the photo was still terrifying. man i wish they’d stuck a little longer with the horror/mystery vibe they’ve got going here.

MIRRORS, MIRRORS EVERYWHERE: 11

6.8. dick immediately reaching out to hold rachel and comfort her as she sobs, terrified, in the bathtub shouldn’t feel particularly special or heartwarming—it’s a very natural, human instinct, after all—but for this particular version of dick grayson to automatically show this compassion when he’s half convinced himself that his lifetime as a vigilante has left him an amoral husk of his previous self… is significant.

7. it’s an interesting choice to go with the nuclear family as the first major villains featured on this show, but fits totally with the tone so far—the dark, despairing and dank things that hide underneath a cracking veneer of cheery suburban normality. pretty standard horror genre stuff—with an added twist that these people aren’t actually androids, but regular people horrifically tortured and brainwashed to act as murder machines.

7.5. aside from that, it’s a neat contrast to the found family that’s actually starting to evolve, with all of its rough edges and imperfect but raw displays of love.

8. i really like that, for all that rachel and dick have in common, their interaction is weird, start-stop in nature, each dancing around answering the others’ questions with any kind of honesty. rachel has clearly picked up on dick’s caginess around her and dick, for all that he’s been trained in subterfuge and basically been living a lie to most of his friends and co-workers, is unable to keep acting like he knows what he’s doing. he hasn’t had to really live a double life in a while—and he’s rusty when it comes to doing anything that’s not detective or vigilante work.

8.5. dick’s interactions in general through the series contrast with the easy and intimate ways the others talk with each other; he’s just so isolated and so friggin rusty at this.

9. you’d think rachel would’ve figured out by now not to shake random people’s hands.

9.25. i’m so happy about this show’s commitment to showing just how much of a hot mess dick is.

9.35. i’ve certainly warmed up to the icy, washed-out way this show looks, and the general sense of… space, both in terms of physical space as well as the way each scene is allowed to unfold and just breathe. you don’t get that a lot in superhero media these days.

9.45. an update to the dick grayson timeline! dawn says she hasn’t seen dick in four years and seems genuinely surprised to learn that he’s working with the police now. so how do you go from zero to detective in just four years? is that even possible? the timeframe becomes even shorter if you assume that he only decided to join law enforcement after leaving batman. maybe that’s just another thing that dick kept hidden from his friends, even when they were, you know, friends.

anyway, dick continues to be a hot mess, and i am glad that is consistent over every on-screen iteration.

9.5. i am genuinely unsure why this dick/dawn history exists other than to create some weird conflict between hank and dick. i’d much rather that conflict come from dick being an asshole generally and dropping all contact with his friends when it all became just Too Much To Deal With.

10. OH MAN so him contacting alfred was to arrange a big sum of money to pay off hank and dawn?? yep, dick is 100 percent bruce wayne’s protégé. i’m sure he also thinks of this as a way to help hank recover and for hank and dawn to rebuild their post-vigilantism life. this is a terrible way to deal with your guilt, my friend.

and i love that all of this—the mistakes he’s making with rachel despite his genuine concern for and desire to help her, the way he’s unable to really talk to her instead of at her, his false platitudes when he thinks he has nothing to say—is a plausible reflection of the ways bruce floundered with him when he first took dick in. dick has spent so, so long as bruce’s sole heir; though i’m sure they learned to communicate better, the core dysfunction of his relationship with bruce is embedded in his bones.

but the show is clearly setting up the dick-rachel relationship to evolve—and in doing so, have dick come to terms with his own relationship with bruce, instead of spinning increasingly bitter and dark memories of it in his head.

all said, tho: what a dick move. in every sense of the word.

11. aaand here’s why i never understand criticism of this show that says dick is too dark: it’s just so typical of him to hold himself to insane standards and just cut loose and run whenever he feels he’s failed those standards. it’s why he’s always among the first choices to lead a team but his leadership almost never sustains very long. it’s why he’s everybody’s friend but so desperately, desperately alone, especially when it’s his turn to spiral and need help. it’s why when he is spiralling, he adopts spectacularly self-destructive methods to do so. standing aside while zucco died is essentially his (infamous) blockbuster moment, when he so egregiously compromised his moral code that he was forced to re-evaluate the very core of what he’d identified as for decades. he hates himself, but he splits the blame, recognising the very real damage being robin did to him but pinning everything that’s wrong with him on it.

this tracks with every version of dick grayson that i can think of, bar the golden age/silver age comics, more contemporary nightwing runs—especially after his stint as batman with damian as robin—where he’s matured a bit and more level-headed, and, of course, fanon.

11.5. but while dick is wrestling with himself, actual people do get hurt and lost on the wayside. i’m glad that this show is not shying away from showing that.

12. maaan you really, really didn’t have to do this to anyone, leave alone someone as prominent in nightwing’s history as amy rohrbach. still holding out hope that she’ll return somehow next season.

13. rachel using dick’s own words to get him to help hank and dawn… oh fuck yes.

13.5. to be perfectly honest, i quite enjoyed robin as this menace in the shadows, taking thugs down brutally when they can’t even see him. you never see hyper-competent robin on-screen anymore.

13.75. also? hank and dawn’s genuine horror at his brutality is another giant indicator that this is not a dick grayson who’s functioning optimally, by any standard. he needs a place to start growing from, and this is it.

14. dick getting called out on his bullshit is pretty satisfying to watch, no lie.

14.5. i’d forgotten just how brutally the nuclear family defeat hank, dawn, and dick. yikes.

14.8. that last shot of dick desperately trying to save dawn’s life while having flashbacks to his own parents falling to their deaths is so fucking haunting, holy shit.

15. that was… honestly so good, you guys! i remember seeing this episode for the first time and feeling a little irritated with the languid pacing and the way it seemed sort of like filler. but there’s so much great stuff that stands out to me on re-watch—this show genuinely rewards multiple viewings, even when you know what’s coming next.

#titans #meta #dick grayson #rachel roth #hank hall #dawn granger #a byronic cupcake #a gothic cookie #grand titans rewatch 2k19 #i actually had this almost fully typed out a few months ago #lost the whole thing in a computer crash #felt so dispirited it took me ages to get this thing going again #but by GOD i am going to finish this fucking project

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oleaspur · 5 years

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ummmwine replied to your post “zenkaiankoku replied to your post “i find it really interesting how...”

oh totally to all of that though, like, yeah i think ppl either smooth him over WAY too much &/or make him like, more stable than evan which is like??? they have Different Problems actually but connor is definitely the least okay / least okay to be around of all of them...but it's also like...clearly just as Off to interpret him as somebody who just acts out completely at random and is just Intensely Angry ALL THE TIIIME instead of yeah, him having this actual internal

OK im replying under the cut because this will be long but tl;dr YOURE RIGHT

process behind the stuff he does which like, from an outside perspective would clearly be unjustified or over the top or irrational etc etc etc...and tbh like interpreting him as like, slow to warm up to ppl and quick to draw back thx to paranoia or potentially actually sort of latching on to ppl too fast but it can also go sour rl quick All Thanks To Splitting is valid af and like!! we don't know cuz canon doesn't say anything about that kind of thing re him. liiiike

i think the difference between having a relationship w someone with something like depression and anxiety and with someone who has a disorder like bpd is that w/ depression and anxiety you can almost always take a step back. its not going to be the case that everything you do impacts them and that their response to your actions is going to be a public thing.. bpd for me at least is very loud. it takes up all the space it can possibly find, so every interaction Means something and every response you have to those interactions needs to serve some kind of a function and it needs to be Known. its why at least for me i tend to suffer more when i have close relationships with people, because youre constantly having that sort of connection. like im not saying its always a bad thing because the good times are! so good! but everything is horrible and intense All the time so it never feels like youre doing something wrong when youre acting out. its more like why DOESNT this matter to everyone else the way it should.

the splitting thing just makes so much sense to me because i used to be the kind of person who would say like , really awful things to my family as a result of it. i dont ever want people to think im justifying what connor supposedly did but i think there Should be an explanation beyond hes just ‘a bad person’ or Vaguely troubled. there is a genuine attempt to reach out to evan, however minor, and i think that its way more compelling to treat him as someone who Does crave genuine connection w people and is just unable to approach it in a healthy way than anything else

i don't think that reference to that particular incident with zoe is meant to be like "there's a specific canon answer to what issue made connor act like this" but like i can so see that being more of legit paranoia fueling that problem somehow and just...like hghh again out of all the senior kids he'd definitely have the most work to do before he'd be able to have a good relationship either in terms of on his own end or re the other person's end of it...like obviously

there's the violence which is like. number one Got To Get Rid Of That Asap mostly for other ppl's sakes but then like. figuring out how to deal w the underlying crap would be more for his sake. like god that all of them were in therapy but also connor's problems definitely seem intense enough that he could probably stand to look into being medicated instead of having to self medicate cuz i figure that's what he's trying to do even if its kind of backfiring sometimes...

definitely definitely.. i could say a lot about why i think having connor and evan (or jared i suppose but i havent thought about that so much) bonding initially and then it going downhill because of a lack of an actual understanding of each other’s issues (and then both learning and coping separately IN ORDER to build an actual relationship with each other) is more interesting and genuine feeling than them Immediately helping each other and it actually working. but it would be long..

they all need to See Someone. + obviously medication is never the be-all end-all of any kind of mh treatment but for me personally therapy was never useful UNTIL i was on medication that actually helped regulate my moods first. the sort of things they talked about were never feasible for me because my moods dropped SO fast and because just being told to do things was so infuriating.. and so on. i definitely agree w the self-medication part i usually see that as connor trying to deal as best he can w something that no one else seems to understand or struggle with. sometimes it seems like the best way of coping w things is to try and detach urself from it . obviously that isnt healthy at all but when u dont know how else to deal w ur problems u find your own solutions :(

ANYWAYS the point is that like. first of all projecting shit Is Valid And Who Cares Anyways but in this case its probably also more accurate than what ppl write when they have no experience with such intense and unmanageable things and stuff that you really can't quite imagine accurately unless you know it firsthand already. and godddddd a trope i cannot stand is like, the 'i just need one good relationship and that will fix things / inspire me to choose to be able to

handle this and voila! i am handling it" like!!! i LOVE good relationships being mutually helpful and with this cast it's easy to see how they'd clash cuz they all do in canon!! but it's also ughh so easy to see how they could all understand and help each other even tho their specific problems are different when u zoom in enough. and like it's cool as hell if a relationship helps you / motivates you but it's not gonna fix everything and it shouldn't!! and like yeah with

connor i really see his shit as being involved in / close to the clinical psychotic types of issues. which yknow, people REALLY don't tend to know how to write if they don't have lived experience or really do a lot of good research anyways. like badly written anxiety is still probably gonna be closer to the mark than badly written delusions or smthing, idk. but anyways i am going ON AND ON and the point is. bpd connor is valid as fuck and i love that perspective on him

YEAH i think when i was younger i fell into that kind of writing as a sad sort of wish-fulfilment thing because it makes sense to want things to be that way. but its not helpful to people who relate to those characters, or realistic/healthy to want that sort of solution because it just doesnt exist

i think with personality disorders especially its hard because to a certain extent its like... it inhabits you. i was SO worried that once i started being able to deal w my mental health issues i would stop being a real person because like. it informed Everything in terms of how i approached the world. its hard to write something like that but like.. it all makes sense in your head. you have your own internal justification for everything even if you never reason it out and even if you couldnt possibly explain it in words you KNOW youre feeling this way for a reason and youre justified and should be feeling this way. its weird stuff

ANYWAY ty for this i LOVE talking about this kind of thing and literally everything youve said is so good and real.. connor is important to me even if he has barely any characterisation in canon lol

#ummmwine #jury.txt #response #long post #SORRY this got so long also. no need to reply BTW i just love the excuse to talk about this stuff

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realdeadlovin · 3 years

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my journaling from the beach:

BLah blah. I'm typing this on the roof/balcony of our airbnb in cholla bay. I wish I could go to sleep, I was so tired all day, but my brain is unhappy and wound up in a way that I know would not equal success at falling asleep. especially next to brian. blah blah. i suppose its not surprising that like all of today was just immediately pretending everything was fine between us and not acknowleding that anything had happened. and the frustrating part is that like I don't have any drive or incentive to bring it up anyways because there is no space of valuable procssing for us. the only thing to discuss is how to incorporate teh understanding that (once again, but more firmly this time) nothing will ever work between us, this will keep happening and probably getting worse, It turns out even after that debacle I still like and want to be affectionate iwth brian and it makes me feel sad and lonely to consider breaking off what we've had going on, but also we're lucky enough we've gotten this far without hating each other and maybe we shouldn't press our luck. I don't know, I don't know what the right thing to do is now but that's what's ahead of us to figure out (ending things, how, when?) and I don't want to do that when he's sitll here for a few more days. so I want to be able to I guess "have fun" but it's also hard and feels bad we have to just ignore shit to not have it be horrible.

I lost a lot of trust in brian last night. I knew // was (re?) learning that he has the emotional maturity of a ten year old if that, but it just felt more pointed and personal last night.

he brought up with me sleeping with nick in a snide way, and that struck a nerve and triggered bad feelings in me. yes i was drunk. I wasn't actually mad at brian for that I just wanted to cry a little and procss that that actually was a bad memory. brian does know that it wasn't something that I feel good about and that I had some difficult/ hurt feelings about nick after that incident coupled with others. but i wasn't in that moment mad at his insensitivity I just wanted to step away and have feelings. which seemed fine at first, he came out and was affectionate. but i guess when that didn't fix things right away he couldn't handle it. he said "i feel weird" and got out of bed and then literally threatened to leave the next day. I don't think I can forgive him for that ever. it also just seems so bizarre in the universe when what i've been talking about in therapy is literally like emotional trauma stemming from fearing my mother we going ot leave me (and her in fact leaving my bed) because of me crying. I also had literally iterated to brian multiple times that it wasn't about him, i wasn't mad at him, but apparently what wigged him out so much was a feeling that i was mad at him. but this is what i've already been noticing in brian, he just does not have that ability whatsoever to understand that his emotions/ anxieties/ insecurities are not a blanket excuse for shitty behavior and he needs to be able to take some ownership.

and so the irony is not lost on me tonight that he started having intense, difficult to articulate anxiety / emotions. despite being occasionally affectionate with me (as I also was with him last night) he was also distant, quiet, regularly not looking at or speaking ot me and like standing/walking separately..... he also expressed that his anxiety was related to how much money he is spending on this trip, which also does kinda sting cause it feels like his anxiety is like, that he came to see me, which makes me feel bad and kinda upset, but I wouldn't in one million years I think even if I was very drunk think of yelling at and berating him the same way, being like "well did you ever stop to think maybe i feel like youre mad at me // or blablabla" when I know he's having hard emotions and such. of course i didn't threaten to leave. though I did, I admit and I dind't like feeling this way either, feel quite petty and like "oh ok so you're allowe to have like your own hard emotoinal experience near me but I'm not" or whatever. I wante dot passive aggressively be like, ok well I can't tell if youre mad at me so I'm going to leave tomorrow bye" or whatever. but, I didn't, I sucked it up and although I think I would have been a better suppor had I not been feeling that way I still tried, took us on a walk, hugged him, etc. I dunno bla. not to e all, "regreT" by fiona apple.

I want to tell him I've lost trust in him in an irreparable way, that wasn't just another drunk argument we can forget about and move on from. thsi is the signal that it's time to find a way out of this, I don't htink I can ever be emotionally supported or safe with him in the way I would need, even though I know we aren't saying tghis is a "relationship" or whatever it isn't isn't, "casual." I don't know what would happen to our friendship. I also, even as I write this, wonder if I will actually end this or extricate myself. I'm definitely going to tell him the harm was real from that fight, but maybe after he leaves, I don't know. it'd hard becuase I feel like reopening this conversation would just make the rest of hte trip awful and hard and not even like, in a productive way which is the thing with him is that processing is never processing, it never gets us anywhere at all unless its deeper in a hole of shit. some things I can decide to just move on from and forget even though I still feel that twinge of unresolved anger.... this is bigger than that. um, so yeah, I guess if he wants to keep pretending things are fine with us I'll just go along with it and have as much fun as we can until he leaves and we can safetly idk email or wahtever from a distance. I mean, I won't lie. I also, unfortunately...? still really like touching him, and am attracted to him. this morning I really wanted to have sex with him and like, I felt that maybe it would be fucked up to go towards that after the night we had without acknowledging it, but then was glad he intiated that. I mean.. I think the sex was mutually initiated but, initiated the, being touchy. that was me having his imaginary voice in my head arguing with me about him having initiated it. bla. i wonder if his affected today has just been coming from that fear-of-losing-me place or if he just things that what happened last night was kinda run of the mill for us.. I mean I don't htink he would be surprised if I said it wasn't but yea.

oh but what I was saying, I dont know, it also just feels sooooo lonely and sad, the prospet of going back from like having a constant preson that I love to talk to to not having anything even close to that, especially when life is also already lonely and such. both for like having the constant like, validation, and like, "company" even thought virtual.. like no tjust living alne with my thoughts all day evey day.. but I'm worried right now I'm just going to fall back into the "good" parts of this and not have it in me to break away. and i guess my fear then is something similar or worse will just happen agian that will actually result in us hating each other // me not wanting to talk to him or see him again, etc. I think we could get away without that now, but I don't know. I mean I think we could definitely get out of this without hatred but could we transition back into a friendship where we actually talk and are in each others lives? at least in the near future (not like years down the road)? I dont know.....

I wonder if brian will ever really heal or understand even waht the problem is here. I understand that maybe some percentage of this is like us just having different emotoinal realities and struggles and such but I feel really firm in that what I'm expecting is vey reasonable, not just like me personally but of anyone who is suppsoe to care abotu and be in relationship with another person. I miss having it, I fucking miss dating someone who like hard hard hard things came up, but we understand and respected each otehrs needs and ways of communicating and working through stuff together actually gets you somewhere. i didnt have that with semra either. but semra was emotionally abusive. wolford and I really had that. I mean like sophie and I do in terms of our friendship. yea. is it more rare than I realize? I mean, I guess also I think lore and I have that, though I sometimes and like nervous ot bring up issues I have with her. when I do she listens and we hear each other and we are in a better place afterwards for it. I do think I have that model of like communication and how conflict and be like a good/ supportive thing in a relationships that helps it deepen and grow. mabye brian hasn't like had that modeled, idk, it just seems like he deeply cant' handle hard emotions, from me maybe in particular i dunno, cause he can't see past how they make him feel threatened or insecure or whatever. and then this thing about like " I don't wanna rehash that" when its like we never even really talked about it or figured anything out. we can nevre figure anything out. maybe were just different and he finds me so very "hard to read" and he can "read" other people more easily and thus feels less uncertain and insecure. maybe. but then yea so why are we together.

anyways I think I've written eveything I wanted to and I feel less like crying, still very unclear on if I feel like sleep is an option for me anytime soon. I sorta wish we hadn't had to switch to the one-room airbnb, I would like to go inside and read on a couch until I can crawl in bed it feels that would be distracting to him or like just not as easy as at the other place. sure am glad I don't like in a studio apartment with another person lol.

but, I also have to pee... thought here are bathrooms on thsi patio.. and the wind is picking up so I'll go inside, I really think it would be great to get good sleep tonight but alas

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thenuanceddebater · 6 years

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1-36

Ugh. You absolute ass. This is gonna be long.

1: What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Graduated college, won a Spanish award, wrote over a 30 page paper, lived alone in a single apartment, ended the process of Yud Bais Chodesh (year-long Jewish Mourning process), probably some other stuff that I’m forgetting.

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make any last year. I did make some for this year which are holding strong and making a positive difference in my life so far.

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope. No births in the family.

4: Did anyone close to you die?

Also no deaths.

5: What countries did you visit?

I didn’t leave the country- last year of schooling and all and I graduated in the summer. Planning on going to Israel again this summer though.

6: What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A good job after college. An apartment with my girlfriend. That’s about it.

7: What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 3, 2017 when I graduated from college. There are specific memories I will always have (my swan song, watching my girlfriend’s thesis defense for her honor’s major, etc.) but I’m really bad with actual dates.

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year

Graduating from college. That’s a pretty big one.

9: What was your biggest failure?

Letting my anxiety rule my life too much. Part of the reason why I don’t have what I want was that I let my anxiety control me until it was too late. Getting better at that now. Always improving, right?

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

No injury. But the aforementioned anxiety was officially diagnosed in 2017. I also started therapy.

11: What was the best thing you bought?

Probably the six case law books from my college’s law library that they were going to throw away because they bought the new editions. It was around $5 for each and they had a wealth of knowledge. I had used them in some of my essays. They were good books.

12.Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My girlfriend’s. She got out of her house, has an apartment with roommates now, bought a car, and has a good job in her field. That’s pretty damn good.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

Trump. And also my brother who stole money out of my wallet to pay for vaping stuff that he’s legally not allowed to have, and spent over $ 9,000 (according to an ongoing fraud investigation) in microtransactions. But mostly Trump.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Books for college/ pleasure reading, living expenses.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Graduating college and moving on with my life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?

Probably Despacito. Just because of how ubiquitous it became and the Spanish connection which was the last class I needed to take before graduating.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Happier, fatter (though also more muscular, and working on that), slightly poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Job applications, hanging out with friends and letting people know how much they matter to me. Oh, and studying.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Procrastinating. Worrying about everything and being paralyzed by anxiety.

20: How did you spend Christmas

With the entirety of my paternal family for Noche Buena (Christmas Eve) and then with my mother, stepfather, brother, and sister for Christmas Day.

21: Did you fall in love in 2017?

I was already in love in 2017. I did fall more in love though. I’m apparently a hopeless romantic like that.

22. What was your favourite TV program?

New program? Mindhunters.

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don’t really hate people or hold grudges in general. Even when most people think I probably should. So, no.

24: What was the best book you read?

The Unwinding: An Inner History of the New America by George Packer, or The Dark Continent by Mark Mazower. Runner-up is One Nation After Trump (which was fun, but I knew most of already).

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?

New band wise? The Deer Hunter. Personally? Increasing my range while signing and seeing that I’ve somehow improved in sight-reading on the clarinet are probably tied (also re-familiarizing myself with the clarinet would be up there., but that’s not really a “discovery”).

26: What did you want and get?

Most of the books I wanted, a week-long skiing vacation with my girlfriend. Video games.

27: What did you want and not get?

A new PC. A good job. An apartment with my girlfriend.

28: What was your favourite film of this year?

Honestly, probably The Disaster Artist because I love The Room. And that movie was fantastic. That or Guardians of the Galaxy 2 which wasn’t quite as good as the previous one, but was still pretty great. Not The Last Jedi. Just. No. I really need to watch more movies though. I didn’t see nearly as many in 2017 as I usually do.

29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My relationship. More than that, I refuse to say here. Though you’re welcome to ask.

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017

I have no real style outside of dress clothes (where I really do have style). I mostly wore things that were comfortable and pretty casual this year. Much less preppy than 2015-2016.

31: What kept you sane?

My friends and my girlfriend who listened to way too many rants. Good outlets. My mother and grandmothers (both of them).

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I really, really don’t care about celebrities. I don’t get crushes on them (never really have), and I don’t follow their lives. Sorry.

33: What political issue stirred you the most?

A lot of stuff. But the most would have to be a three-way tie between human rights concerns, Antisemitism rising in the United States, and the potential decline of the rule of law.

34: Who did you miss?

My grandfather. Every single day. He never got to see me graduate. And he was definitely my father figure. That was hard. Alav ha-shalom Grandpa.

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017

You are more than you let yourself be.

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“Aint no grave can hold my body down” from the song “Aint no Grave” by the great Johnny Cash. Because I’m much stronger than I thought I was.

#nuance #Q&A #2017 asks #personal #do not do this again #reasonandempathy

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dartlekey · 7 years

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A Tale of Things Lost

Also on AO3 Rating: T Pairings: Takenaka Momozou/Inukawa Mameta, Background Gouda Musashi/Onigawara Tenga Warnings/Triggers: PTSD, Trauma, Panic Attacks, Partial Amnesia Summary: Inukawa returns to earth with a broken spirit. Takenaka finds a use for the tool he never asked for. Perhaps, they are fixing each other... Or maybe just dishing out salt and sass via bad jokes. It's hard to tell sometimes. Notes: Because this is a rarepair that's not explored enough, and because with the big scary arc looming the fandom collectively forgot what Inukawa's been through. Weekly updates.

Also, manga spoilers for everything between Chapter 98 and 100.1

Chapter One: Memory

Exactly thirteen days after their alien encounter, Takenaka fell out of his chair while sitting with the telepathy club.

Well, technically it wasn't his chair, it was Inukawa’s. Each member of the club had their own chair that they always sat in; an outsider wouldn't have been able to tell the difference but the five - no, four - of them each knew the creaks and shifts of their chairs better than their time table. Months spent lounging, chatting and gaming in the rickety stools had seen each member gravitate towards and eventually settle in their favourite chair - however, in a rush of petty vindictiveness, they'd burned Takenaka’s after he quit the club. Now that he'd started to hang out with them again, he'd simply taken over Inukawa’s conveniently empty chair.

He however hated that chair with a passion. Because the front left leg was just a bit shorter than the others and thus made the chair tilt whenever he shifted, because the back was too curved and made him slouch in a way that was definitely unhealthy, because the seat had a small chip that his pants kept snagging on...

At least, those were the reasons he could bear thinking about. Easier on the mind than the feeling of wrongness he got from sitting in anothers’ place, of trying to replace someone who couldn’t simply be replaced; easier than the gaping hole left in the group by Inukawa’s absence. Easier than the crushing guilt that had kept Takenaka awake until late at night for the last two weeks.

In short, he disliked the chair because it was Inukawa’s - in fact, the only thing keeping him from sitting on the floor was his pride, and even that was shrinking by the day...

Don't think about him, Takenaka reminded himself and turned up the volume of his MP3 player. He'll be fine; Inukawa is smart and resourceful, plus he's always had that knack for languages. If he wants to come back, he'll make the aliens return him. If he wants to stay, he'll stay. Either way, there's nothing you can do.

But so many things I could have done…

“...naka. Oi, Takenaka!”

Takenaka's head jerked up and he frowned at the sight of Tome glowering down at him.

“What?”, he asked, pulling his headphones out of his ears and already searching for his normal plugs. “I said,” Tome grumbled, “we're out of snacks and it's your turn to buy new ones. I already told you yesterday, Wednesday is - was - Inukawa’s turn. Hop to it, space pumkin.”

Takenaka rolled his eyes, stretching out his aching back. “Honestly, the amount of snacks you go through is insane. I’m amazed that you even-”

Now I just gotta tell the club. I wonder if they missed me...

With a clatter, Takenaka fell from his chair. The other members immediately crowded around him with worry, but Takenaka pushed them aside roughly. “He - he's back!”, he stuttered out, then stumbled towards the door.

Which was already sliding open. In the doorway stood Inukawa, wearing his school uniform and looking as if he'd never left.

For a moment, everyone stood frozen - although their thoughts jumped back and forth so erratically that Takenaka felt a sharp stinging pain behind his eyes. Then Tome rushed forwards and caught Inukawa in a bone crushing hug. “Oh my God, Mameta! What took you so long?”

That seemed to break the spell, because suddenly the whole club was clustered around their estranged member and bombarding him with questions, exclamations and teary-eyed hugs.

Takenaka watched from the side, unable to do anything except mechanically push his plugs into his ears, immediately blocking out about half the clamor. He breathed in deeply, gathering himself, and clenched his hands to stop them from shaking. Then he said, as nonchalantly as he could, “Geez guys, give him some space. Calm down and let him sit, he can still tell us about his adventure then.”

Inukawa looked up with surprise, but then smiled at him gratefully. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

The others immediately made some space, and so they sat at the table, Takenaka pulling over a weight bench to sit on (and immediately wondering why he hadn’t thought of that before).

“I guess I should start at day one? Well, after they took me to their planet-”

Takenaka listened to the story like the others - meaning, using only his ears, not his powers. Part of that was simple politeness; it seemed rude, reading everything... surely there would be moments of his trip that Inukawa wanted to treasure only by himself.

Part of it was Takenaka being afraid of what he’d find. Because he recognized the empty look in Inukawa’s eyes, the edge to his smile; the way his laugh seemed just slightly too loud. Takenaka had seen these things too often in the mirror not to recognize what they meant…

Inukawa had experienced soul-crushing loneliness, the way you can only feel when you’re truly different from your surroundings. And Takenaka was not ready to break down in front of the telepathy club from listening to another’s emotions.

It was an interesting story anyway; tales of banquets and fights and food and friendship kept the club members glued to their seats for an entire hour - then Tome and Kijibayashi excused themselves in order to study for finals, and promised to come back the next day to continue the conversation.

Tome stopped though, before leaving, and ruffled Inukawa’s hair. “Glad to see you’re still the same old Inukawa. It would have been lame if you hadn’t come back.” Takenaka didn’t even know what to say to such blindness. Same old? Inukawa was back, for sure, but any close observer could tell he definitely wasn’t the same.

Saruta looked from Inukawa to Takenaka and stood up. “I think I'll be going as well, if that's okay. I still wanted to check out a new comic book store at the station, and they close soon... “

“Yeah, I guess we should all call it a day,” Inukawa agreed, stretching until his back made a cracking sound. “I'm still gonna be here tomorrow, haha.”

He got up and went to follow Saruta, but Takenaka snapped to his senses and quickly said, “Ah, Inukawa? Could I talk to you for a sec?”

“Huh? But we just-” Inukawa fell silent as his gaze jumped to Saruta’s and Tome’s receding backs and then back to Takenaka’s hesitant expression. “Ah, yeah, sure.”

Takenaka licked his lips nervously, then pulled out his earplugs. For this, he didn't want any lies or misreadings, only Inukawa’s honest opinion. If he was going to catch Inukawas feelings - then that was a risk he was willing to take.

As the others’ thoughts disappeared down the corridor, Takenaka stepped closer to Inukawa and told him, “Look - I'm really, really sorry about leaving you. I… it was so difficult, deciphering their thoughts, their thinking patterns are so different from humans - by the time I realized what they were doing I couldn't… ah, what am I saying.

“I reacted too slowly - I should've been faster, and I'm truly sorry. I'm not trying to guilt you into forgiving me, I just wanted you to know that... “

He trailed off, surprised, at the immediate (mental) answer. “Wait… you don't blame me? But -”

“It was an accident,” Inukawa said dismissively. “Stuff like that happens pretty much on all trips, I was just unlucky enough to catch the worst possible outcome ever - I'm kidding,” he hastily corrected at Takenaka’s worried expression, “it wasn't that bad... “

But it was, despite all the laughs and happy tales from before; it had been awful. Just saying it made Inukawa’s feelings surface, and so Takenaka felt the still-living echo of what Inukawa had gone through - the full and utterly crushing loneliness, the devastation and hopelessness and pain that Inukawa had endured… and was still enduring. Because emotions like that don't disappear in a day, and wounds like that take time to close.

Inukawa tried to pull out quickly, to re-seal his feelings and switch topics, but Takenaka put a hand on his arm. “Hey. Don’t - you won’t heal if you keep repressing like that. It’s unhealthy.”

Inukawa pulled his arm away, frowning. “It works for Mob.”

“He also has a cryptid entity living in his subconscious that tears down the city if he gets too emotional,” Takenaka deadpanned. “You’re not okay and you need help.”

“Well, what do you expect me to do?”, Inukawa responded with unexpected sharpness. “Walk up to a psychiatrist and say, ‘hey, I was kidnapped by aliens and now I need therapy’?”

“Gee, maybe,” Takenaka snapped, “Sure sounds smarter than just trusting someone who’s felt alienated from society since he was five? I know what you’re feeling, and not just because I can read your heart.”

Inukawa fell silent at that, guilty thoughts whizzing around inside his head. “But that's not - not all of it. At least, it'd be easier. I mean…”

He didn’t finish his sentence out loud, but Takenaka heard anyway. “You don’t… remember all of it?”

Inukawa shook his head. “My memory of the last four days of my stay is extremely blurry. The only reason I even remember the first six is because I kept a diary during that time. When I reread it yesterday, it awoke those memories… but the rest is still gone. I don’t even know how I got home; my memory starts at walking towards my house three days ago. But somehow, despite that, or maybe because of that, my emotions have remained from day one.”

He swallowed and looked to the side. “You can see it, right? How I feel, all of it. How afraid I am. I've felt lonely and disconnected before, but never this bad, and never this long... What if I don't regain all of my memories, and have to stay like this forever? And what if I do regain my memories, but it changes nothing’?”

He breathed in deeply and Takenaka felt him actively pushing down the bubbling mess of loneliness and anxiety. “You see? It doesn't help, because it can't change my situation. Not thinking about it is basically the only possible way to cope.”

Takenaka smiled nervously. “Not if you have a telepath on your side.”

Inukawa hesitated. He looked sceptical, but Takenaka saw a tiny seed of hope take root in his mind. “Oh really?”

Takenaka nodded decisively, hoping he looked more confident than he felt. “Well I mean, I'm not an expert, but all that mind reading has made me fairly good at this kind of stuff - certainly better than any shrink you could drag up... In my opinion, you're probably dealing with trauma; repressed memory is a common symptom. Seeing as you're not an esper, I should be able to break the block in your mind, and probably even ease you through whatever fucked you up so bad… I mean, I have done it before,” he quickly added, seeing Inukawa’s doubtful expression. “My uncle, he was a soldier, and came back with no memory of the war he was in - he asked me for help, and I broke the wall. So, if you want, I can try for you.”

Inukawa nodded, then frowned as Takenaka reached for his forehead. “Wait - you mean like, now?”

Takenaka blinked. “I thought you wanted it over with.”

“Well, yeah, but…” Inukawa shook his head. “Yeah, you're right. Why not.”

Takenaka nodded, steeling himself, then flattened his palm against Inukawa’s forehead, breathed in deeply, and concentrated.

Going into someone’s mind was always an odd feeling. Other people often assumed it was like walking through a museum, or an archive, all the thoughts and memories sorted and displayed prettily, ready for viewing… In truth, it was more like swimming underwater - murky and vague, thought currents pushing and pulling you every which way, opinions with jagged edges suddenly looming up in front of you, then disappearing again. Takenaka let himself be pulled along, swimming with the anxious and lonely currents, hoping to find their centre. He didn't have to wait long; the pull got stronger and stronger until suddenly his consciousness pressed against an uneven, tightly interwoven wall of emotion.

Takenaka concentrated and pushed his energy into the wall, trying to make it burst. For his uncle, that had worked perfectly - because the wall, while appearing quite solid, was actually about as strong as a bubble against the magnitude of Takenaka’s power.

With this wall, he received a nasty surprise instead. The wall pulled at him, trying to drain his powers, his strength, washing over him in an avalanche of despair and frustration. Takenaka jerked away, horrified - and found himself, yet again, on the floor of the clubroom.

“Takenaka! Crap, are you alright?”

Inukawa knelt next to him, hands hovering worriedly over Takenaka's s face and chest. What do I do, I don't know what to -

“I'm fine, it's fine,” Takenaka said, pushing the hands away with mild embarrassment. “I just... “

He trailed off, and frowned, looking up at Inukawa. “That shouldn't have happened. This block, I've never seen anything like it. I mean - if it was a normal mind block, I should've been able to break it, easy. If it was guarded by an esper, or esper power, I wouldn't have been able to get in your mind at all. But this thing… it was like some kind of… localized defense mechanism? Why on earth would you have that in your head? And how would it even get there?”

Why’re you asking me? Aren't you the telepath? Inukawa thought drily - then realized that, of course, Takenaka could still hear everything he was thinking. “Ah, sorry, I didn't mean… “

He trailed off. “Why… are you staring at me like that?”

Takenaka was staring at him like that because he'd finally realized what had been bothering him since the beginning of their conversation - and might actually be the explanation for all this weird stuff. Excitedly, he grabbed Inukawa's hands. “Do that again. Think something.”

“I… what?” Think something? What kinda request is that?

“Wow,” Takenaka breathed disbelievingly, fingers now ghosting over Inukawa’s forehead as his suspicions were confirmed beneath his fingertips. “You actually… have an alien mind block in your head.”

Inukawa stared at him. “What?”

“I was thinking something was off about your thoughts… and then I realized - you have traces of the aliens’ thought patterns in there! That's why the block is so odd, and why I've never seen anything like it. They must have a psychic on their planet, or a telepath… maybe even something electronic? Something, or someone, that placed this block in your mind for whatever reason. Maybe to protect their secrets - or to protect you. I don't know, it doesn't matter anyway... but now we actually know what's wrong with you!”

“Great,” Inukawa said with a decided lack of enthusiasm. So you're basically saying the only person who could fix this is halfway across the universe.

Takenaka instantly deflated. “I… hadn't even thought about it like that…” He cast his eyes down, feeling guilty he'd gotten so excited about the alien telepath that he'd completely forgotten about Inukawa's plight. “I'm really sorry.”

Inukawa sighed. “No, I'm sorry. None of this is your fault, you're only trying to help. I guess I'm just… tense.”

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, then Takenaka was struck by another thought.

“But you said you got the first six days back by rereading your diary entries for the first time?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then the block can't be all that strong, can it? I mean, sure it knocked me out - but I think that was just because my intrusion activated its defenses. From the inside out, it should be easy to break… we just need to find certain triggers, things like your diary, to reactivate those hidden memories.”

Inukawa frowned. “That... actually makes sense.”

Takenaka laughed - then paused thoughtfully. “Admittedly, that might be tough, considering we have no idea what we're looking for... but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. And in the meantime, I'll do my best to make your loneliness disappear.”

Inukawa gave him a confused look. “I'm… sorry?” He'll do his best to -? Wait. Is he... coming on to me?

Takenaka paled. “Wha- ugh, no, no, definitely not. I just meant - look, you don't have any friends, right?”

Now Inukawa looked insulted. “What?”

“No, uh, I wasn't trying to say -” Why is this so hard... “- of course you have friends, but like, not ones you can trust... With this I mean,” he hastily added, making a sweeping gesture, “your emotions, your fears, all that crap that really shouldn’t be bottled up. Sure you have school friends, everyone has those, but you’re hardly close enough with them that you could tell them about the abduction - or even if you did, they wouldn't believe you. And I mean, the telepathy club knows, but they're…”

He paused. “Well, a collection of emotionally stunted dimwits. They'd probably do more harm than good. But me - I understand what you're going through. I can listen when you need to vent, or distract you when you feel like shit. Or just, you know, hang out with you whenever, or…”

“So you want to be friends,” Inukawa interrupted Takenaka’s rambling.

Takenaka blinked.“I - yeah. That’s what I meant?”

Inukawa snorted. “You could've just said so.”

Takenaka opened his mouth and closed it wordlessly, hoping his face wasn’t as red as it felt. “Well I don't know! Nobody tells me how these things work.”

Inukawa laughed. “For a telepath, you're quite socially inept...” Then his smile softened, and for once his thoughts and speech actually matched up.

“Thank you. Let's… do that. Let's be friends.”

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #takenaka momozou #inukawa mameta #takeinu #inutake #inunaka #telepathy club #kurata tome #kijibayashi haruto #saruta shirihiko #kageyama shigeo

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #297

“crushed, damned, and broken; lost, sick, and left unspoken.”

When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? Not since high school when I made an anatomically correct heart. Do you like art, hate it or just not mind it? I adore it. Is crime a big problem in your area? Oh yes. What's the scariest story/urban legend/creepypasta etc you heard? Maaaan, as a cryptic fanatic, that's hard. Maybe the Rake. What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? We're some resilient motherfuckers. What is your favorite soda? Well, it's technically strawberry Sunkist, but I do NOT let myself have it because I will fucking chug it and binge on them if available to me. So, I just consider Mountain Dew Voltage my fave. When you're on the beach, do you throw beached sea creatures back? I've never even seen a beached animal. I would, though. Have you ever thrown food at someone? Yeah, small food fights as a kid or joking with a friend. Have you ever been to a bonfire? Yeah. Do you like orangutans? I love them; such fascinating, enchanting animals that act more human than people half the time. When you see a bug flipped on his back, what do you do? It depends on what it is, but I usually try to help it. Is cereal good? Yeah, I love cereal. Do you like spaghetti? Love it. It was my favorite food as a kid. Is there any kind of weapon in your bedroom? No. Do you like snow globes? I love 'em! Be honest, did Fifty Shades of Grey arouse you in any way? I didn't read it and never will. What does your sibling(s) call you? "Britt" or "(little/big) sister." Do you have any close friends that are the opposite sex that your significant other dislikes? N/A Do you honestly believe everything happens for a reason? Why or why not? Nope, because I want you to explain to me why a child dies of cancer. Why the 11-year-old was raped and forced to bear the child. Why a partner is beaten to death by their s/o, etc. etc. Things just... happen. Do you believe in reincarnation? Why or why not? No, mostly; I DO kinda wonder about it, I just find it unlikely. It would be kinda poetic, though: being given the chance to experience so many unique things. But, I kinda want a conclusion to my mortal life. The Hunger Games or The Maze Runner? I read the first HG and loved it; I started the latter novel while I was in the psych hospital for a while, but I never finished it or got that far in. It did sound pretty good, though. Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? Well, they believe(d) in tarot readings; does that count? Idk. Did/do you believe them? I wouldn't. Is anything annoying you right now? "Annoyed" is a fucking understatement when it comes to what transpired at the capitol a few days back. Have you ever been ice-skating? No. Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? It can, depending on how heavy it is. Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? Albino, no, but I knew a guy and his sister in high school who had vitiligo. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Yeah, at the ER and hospital. Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? I don't believe so. What would you say is your strongest felt emotion right now? Rage. I'm not over "the event." I'm just tired of humanity. Are you talking to anyone at the moment? No. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes. Have you ever found an arrow head? No. Who is with you? My mom's home. What can you not stop thinking about? *points upwards* Then there's Jason because PTSD, that's very normal. Do you forgive easily? I forgive very easily, honestly. In what part of your life so far, have you learned the most about yourself? 2017, when recovery began. I think... or maybe 2018, idk. I've truly come to discover myself quite a lot the past few years. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. Are your ears pierced? Yeah: my earlobes twice, and then my right tragus has a stud. I want to get my others back... I had to take them all out in the psych hospital, and a lot of my piercings closed up. The only one I don't wanna re-do is my anti-tragus, because mine was *always* inflammed and aggravated. What did you last say out loud? "Okay" to Mom. What are you waiting on? Right now, an opportunity to go to the parlor I'm getting my tat tidied up at to get a price range on it. They just need to be open while we're out of the house. Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? Not really. Are your feelings hurt easily? Yep. What's the most expensive piece of clothing you have? Did you buy it yourself? I dunno... I very rarely get new clothes, nevermind expensive ones. Who is your closest platonic friend of the opposite sex? His nickname is Girt. He's been my best male friend since high school; we even hang out sometimes, but it's been a long while. How do you think your first relationship shaped who you are as a partner now? As a partner, it taught me to not fall head over heels and love more realistically and in a healthy fashion. I don't put my faith solely into them, but myself, too. I also accept "forever" is not always true just because they promise it. Who is your favorite protagonist of the same sex? Oh god, this is hard. I suppose maybe Tyrande Whisperwind from WoW. I love her dedication to her people and that her story has become more interesting in her finally "breaking." I could list so, so many "faves," tbh. Were you popular in high school? What was your reputation like? No; I was just the average teen. Have you always known your sexual orientation or did something happen to make you realize it? Somethings happened. There were a lot of hints building up before I even began to consider the possibility, but a daydream solidified it as fact. What was the hardest part of your last break up? Realizing I still wasn't "ready" or "fit" for a successful relationship. What brought you out of the hardest period in your life? As strange as it sounds, my suicide attempt put it into action. I was obviously hospitalized for a while, and then I was brought into a month-long partial hospitalization program that has a fucking genius psychiatrist, and I also had daily therapy as long as school days during the week. It was the intense help I needed. What's your favorite kind of smiley face? (: Does anybody know your deepest darkest secret? My old therapist and maybe my mom; I can't remember if I told her. Did you ever watch Rugrats? (the babies) I LOVED that show! I even had two of the video games. What about Hey Arnold? Ugh, I hated it, but I think my little sister did, or we just watched it if we couldn't find anything else. Do you like pep rallies? NO. NO. NO. My teachers always understood that they really stoked my anxiety and allowed me to opt out of going. I'd just stay in the classroom and read or something. Have you ever had pneumonia? No. What do you feel about surgeries? Do they worry you? I fear anesthesia awareness, but not to a debilitating degree or anything that makes me panic beforehand or anything like that. Do you play Minecraft? if so, feelings about servers? Never have, and not interested. Do you read creepypastas? Nah. Do you think vlogging in public is scary? It seems awkward as FUCK to me. Even alone. Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? No. What social class would you say you're in? I think we're actually near the poverty line (or were, idk anymore, Mom slipped it before), so definitely lower. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. How do you feel about guns? They scare me. What's the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? A very abrupt and poorly-executed breakup while being madly in love to the point of obsession with the person. Are you faint to the sight of blood? No. Do you like spicy food? Yes. Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? Well, considering I was woken up by myself shrieking my lungs out this morning, guess. It seemed for a little bit that my nightmares were chilling out, but I guess not. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? Does my mother telling me I'm saying too many "f-bombs" count? I dunno otherwise. What’s your second favorite color? Maroon. Do you ever wish you lived in a different country? Hey Canada, mind adopting me? Who’s the last person you “pounded” fists with? Ha, I think my nephew. Have you ever been involved in an affair? No. Wait, maybe? Does the Joel thing count? We never even physically met each other, we were just being idiot kids flirting over text messages. You be the judge, ig. How many times a week do you speak to your boss? I don’t have a job. What do you want for your birthday? Just donate to my tattoo fund lmao. Having to get my laptop fixed fucked up my plans yet again... Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? A handful, yeah. Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Just Sara does. Anything you’re avoiding? Always. After breaking up, what’s the worst? Letting go if you're the one who still has feelings. Does your sibling have a significant other? I don't know if my brother does, or the half-sister I've never met. Another sister is engaged, and two are married. Nicole is single, though. She's smart as hell about who she dates; she's probably pickier than me. Do you use Skype? Just to talk with Sara. Are you a fan of acrylic nails? I wouldn't wear them, but they look fine on some people. Except when they're square shaped. Name one happy song that describes you better than any other. "Get Up" by Mother Mother comes to me first. Name one sad/mellow song that describes you better than any other. Haha I connect with a lot of sad songs and would honestly rather not dig through 'em right now. What is your most used pick up line? None, they're all awful. Do you like the taste of alcohol? Noooooo no no. The only alcoholic drinks I like are very weak and sweet. What kinds of food make you sick? So this probably sounds so stupid, but "fancy" foods, like stuff with a lot of ingredients my body isn't used to, I guess. My stomach is very finicky with foods, so it's easy to make this list.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''creatures x: to the grave'' by motionless in white

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