#someday i'll be less lazy about trying to like. make the pictures i post here look better

[inkprincess31]

This is one of my favorite photos from HK, where we spent Thanksgiving weekend last year.

As much as I love this picture, would you believe that it still took me more than half a year to wear my big girl panties and post it?

To tell the truth, I don't like taking photos of myself nor having my pictures taken that much. Sometimes, I'll take a bunch of selfies and delete them all. The few ones I keep, I rarely post. They're just taking residence in my phone memory eating up precious MBs.

Why? Simply because 95% of the time, I don't like what I see in them. There may be good days, and I'll be like, "My clothes seem to fit okay here." Then there are, "If I crop it just right then my huge arms won't be seen" moments. But there are days when I spend a huge amount of time cropping and adjusting, and it just won't work. So I'll just tell myself, "Who am I kidding? They see me in person. They know I'm far from skinny."

Growing up, I tried to get out of every picture-taking sessions when I had the chance. I've never been really comfortable with how I look - my hair, face, my skin and body. I've been struggling with weight issues since I was in high school, and at the age of 27, l have a terribly long list of insecurities. I've always known that I'm not pretty (not even fishing for compliments here), I'm aware my current weight is beyond what's considered normal and healthy, my skin is far from perfect and my hair barely cooperates these days.

I don't need a printed nor digital reminder of my imperfections. I see it in the mirror daily! Not to mention, I have a limited range of poses so I just end up looking awkward in most photos. 😂

But as I grow older, I realize that I have to learn accepting my flaws, see more positive things about me, try new things (No, Ate! I'm still not watching make-up tutorials!), and be more comfortable in my own skin. Either I do that, or go to the gym. (Spoiler: I'm lazy AF)

Anyway, that me in the picture? A rare appearance, I'm telling you. But I like to continue seeing myself that way. I'd like to be more carefree. Jump and not be worried about how huge my arms and thighs look. Laugh heartily and forget having to suck my tummy in, so my belly would show less. Open my arms wide instead of hugging myself and covering my thick body. I'd like to be more relaxed and comfortable taking photos, and not just get through it because it's part of the program or a trip's to-do list.

I know that there are more relevant social issues and day-to-day problems in the world that needs to be addressed. I'm also aware that in the grand scheme of things, this won't really matter, and me feeling awful about my looks is completely kiddie-pool shallow.

But for me, it is a problem. One that I've had for so long, and want to be rid of. Isn't it sad that I waited too long to share memories of my first-ever out of the country trip (achievement unlocked!) because I think so poorly of how I look? It's quite embarrassing to admit that I choose to stand on my tiptoes behind tall people when a group picture is taken because I don't want my imperfections exposed in front of the camera lens and immortalized in print. Do you know how much I hate it when it's time for solo pictures because there's nobody else to use as a body shield and cover my flaws? No one to be the human concealer to my lifesize blemishes...

I want to enjoy capturing beautiful moments with my friends and family, and be able to look at those pictures someday without cringing or cropping or immediately deleting them because I look too fat or my complexion is uneven.

I always want to be that version of me in the jumpshot above.

Confident no matter how she looks.

Comfortable in her skin - with her body despite her weight.

Brave enough to embrace her flaws and let the world see her imperfections.

I'm not there yet - wherever "there" is. But I'll continue taking it one day (and photo) at a time. 😊

#body image #self esteem #confidence #love yourself #love myself #love your body #personal #this feels like a dear diary entry #positivity #body positive #body positivity