#something about ‘a dull mind cant cut you’ also meaning the same that your mental illness lost its ‘edge’ but it’s not true | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

my-anonymous5444-blog · 5 years

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My Story

---Hey guys sorry about being a downer i’ve just been wanting to share this for a long time

2017

Hello im 13 years old. i wish i was dead. If wasn’t for my family i would be dead right now. When you commit suicide you just pass on the pain to someone else so i refuse to kill myself because I love my family too much. I don’t have any true friends and i hide my true self behind multiple masks and i think the farthest anyone outside my family has ever gotten is 2 masks down. I believe i have at least 4 that i hide behind that’s why i don’t have any true friends. The only ones i do have are always putting me down or are just pretending to be my friend. I’m all alone. My sister knows me the best. But even when i’m with her i wear a mask. I feel so alone. Sometimes i wish that i didn’t have a family or anyone i cared about so i could just die and get it over with. I don’t tell anyone i want to die because i don’t want to be a burden, so i just bury the dark thoughts in the deepest darkest part of my mind to the place when i don’t even go. I hate my life. I’m so done with all the shit i have to deal with, at this point i wish i was dead. I’ve cut my legs and arms before but my knife was not very sharp so it dulled quickly and now it won’t cut skin so can’t do that anymore. I wish i was someone else. I think i’m not interesting and i hate myself. Everytime i take pills i think of overdosing, when i visit tall buildings i want to jump, when i cross the street i think about jumping in front of a car, when i shave i think of cutting my wrists. I’m in pain and i can’t stop it. I don’t want to tell my friends because they will want to make me stop doing things i’m doing, like making myself throw up or cutting, but i won’t stop and it will be an endless cycle of me doing things and them telling me to stop. They’ll eventually get bored of it but they can’t stop telling me to get better because it will hurt their consciousness. I want to tell someone but i don’t know how. I don’t think i’m capable of feeling anymore. The only things i feel are sadness and depression and shame. I don’t feel happy or proud or anything else. The only glimmer of happiness i get is when i get other people to laugh. That's it. I eat away the pain but i hate myself so i throw up and cut and then eat more. There are so many things i can’t help that make me more depressed.

2018

Everyone says i'm smart and funny and worthwhile but i feel useless and stupid and irrelevant. I always wear a mask of strength and i say i never cry but i cry a lot and think way too much about what people say. I don’t know why but other people’s opinions mean a lot to me. Even the people i hate have opinions that i take to heart. i m always saying that i don’t want to get married or have kids. I say i don’t want to get married because i think marriage is a chain but actually i just don’t think i’m worthy for someone to love and i say i dont’ want kids because they are annoying but i don’t want kids because i can’t imagine bringing something i love into the stupid fucking world we have. The world sucks and i don’t want any kid growing up in it. I think i’m ugly and i hate my body. I’m constantly trying to numb the pain, sometime with movies or work. I wish i didn’t have to be born. I wish my parents had just had one daughter. I don’t want to die through suicide but i want to die. I find myself constantly wishing i would get shot or get run over or i would choke. I hate being alive.

Its 8th grade and i’m in costa rica. I tried to kill myself twice so far this year. i feel so damn alone and i dont think i can deal with it anymore. Im not with my family or my friends and im not sure how much longer i can hold on. I tried to slit my wrists with my razor but i dont think i cut my wrists in the right place because i didnt bleed that much. That was a week ago. Last night i was listening to rly sad music and id made me feel shitty. I tried to cut my wrists again and i did it right this time. I just kept cutting until i started bleeding a lot. I bled out in the sink . i had a panic attack and started hysterically crying. I had to be quiet so i was just sitting in the dark in the bathroom bleeding out with my hand over my mouth tears running down my face. I dont get it. I want to die but for some reason i cant kill myself. My life doesnt have any meaning. Im ugly and stupid and completely worthless. Everyone tells me i have to learn to love myself but i can’t i wish i was worth while, i wish i was someone else. This one girl keeps joking about suicide and depression and it makes me mad but im to fucking ashamed and scared so i just sit there and i dont say anything. Why do i never say anything. Why can’t i have some actual opinions and not just agree because im scared of rejection. I would be better off dead.

I finally told my family. I’m on medication and it seems to be working but not very much. They all say it will get better with time but i don’t want to live anymore i’m tired of it and im not even to the hard part yet. When i have access to alcohol and drugs i’ll probably become an addict because i’m scrabbling for a way to take away the pain. I can’t tell my friends because they wouldn’t understand. I feel alone all the time and i wish i wasn’t born. There are about 3 people besides those in my family that make me wanna live. Sophie, Celeste, and Audrey. That’s it. Sometimes i realize how dark my mind gets, like today there was a lockdown at school because someone thought that they had seen a man with a gun but it was a false alarm. While sitting against the closet i found myself wishing someone would shoot up my school so i could die and my family would eventually get over it. Then i realized what i had just thought and immediately was like stop it. I have so much stress and i’m not even in high school yet. I want to die. Even when i think about the future i get stressed out and sometimes have a mental breakdown. Someone please kill me. I was crying in the bathroom yesterday and some 6th grader heard me and asked if i was ok, i wiped my tears away and walked out like nothing had happened. Why can’t i show emotion to other people what am i so afraid of. Why cant i just be normal and express myself naturally?

2019 Im now a freshman in high school. I’ve been getting better and the medication has been helping. Sometimes i still think about wanting to die but i’m a lot happier. I have a group of amazing friends and i can be myself around them. They love me and i love them. I also just fell in love with a boy for the first time and its a nice change from before. I know people lose hope and give up. trust me, i’ve been through that and it sucks, but you keep going forward and things get better. I actually am enjoying life recently and i think it has to do a lot with going to therapy and trying to make more in depth connections with my friends and family. I still get pressured by my parents about grades and i can’t tell them a lot about thats going on. I’m addicted to nicotine and i think i may be getting addicted to alcohol too. It feels so good when your high or drunk. Im trying to make better decisions but its fucking hard. And old habits die hard. My mom called me worthless the other day. She said that if i didnt work hard i wasn’t going to go anywhere in life, which is accurate but it was like she was accusing me of not trying when im trying my hardest and im stretched so thin. I love my boyfriend. he makes me so damn happy and we have such a strong connection. I want to be with him forever and i want him in my life forever but i know he’ll find someone better and i can’t help but wonder how he’ll break my heart.

- I know its weird to share this online but i just want people that are going thr the same thing or have gone thr something like this that they aren’t alone

#mylife

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solarianradiance · 6 years

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Black Romance

The Black Quadrant of Troll Romance intrigues me to no end, and makes my thoughts churn like a creative slurry in a bucket, wandering what exactly its like under long term circumstances, the little intricacies of unwritten rules and expectations to be found within this sort of relationship.

How did it even first occur? What in Troll biology cause it to be a such a strong fixture in their social culture?

Perhaps these questions will be answered one day... probably in a way that makes me wish they hadn't and force me to moan like a lil bitch in disappointment.

We can only speculate for now however... which is what im going to do.

In its history, Black Romance likely started as a genuine desire to kill a rival, likely over the feelings of the same Matesprite, but unable to do so, in spite of the genuinely serious trying at mutual murder, only to find they dont mind each other so much, even if they dont like many other aspects about them~

Even though they try to kill their rival they actually begin to make one another as strong as possible through constant conflict. Like two Knights sharpening their skills in a friendly sparing match. After all, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Given Troll society, they likely take this notion to heart.

Through this rivalry, their partner is made as strong as possible, so they may live to see each other again another day.

I think, in my opinion, a Black Romance is a relationship born of Hate and Irritation, but evolves into a genuine mutual love and respect.

It starts as Hate, but becomes Love over time.

They may start in opposite directions, but they ultimately end up in the same place.

Any actual pain inflicted upon your rival is to make them dulled and numb to that pain. Makes them ready to deal with it mentally. Their weak traits being absolved or mitigated to some extent, and their strengths expanded and reinforced.

The individuals, sharpen each others knives for their partners to use one another, so that they may also sharpen their skills, ensuring that they are both full prepared for the trials ahead.

A Black Romance usually revolves around the two partners actually trying to hurt and injure one another, both verbally and physically, but not cripple, maim or kill their opponent. Its the two trying to Dominate, but not so thoroughly as they cannot grow as individuals. To remove the blemishes in their techniques, working out the kinks in execution.

Blackroms must have times of bonding and enjoyment, a break from the conflict, to relieve stress... by ♠any♠means♠necessary♠~

This often revolves around the two Haters tending to eachothers wounds, and enjoying the typical Red Romance activities, like dinner and a movie, albeit with a side of snark, super sized. Probably poisoning their partners meal, just enough for them to get an upset stomach and vomit over it all.

Signs of affection take the forms of hand holding, kissing, and small levels of antagonisms such as harmless insults or mild scuffles. One method is manipulation to encourage romantic retaliations, such as stealing clothes, pranking their rival, or even publicly humiliating them in way that will embarrass them but wont destroy their standing or self-esteem.

Anything that gets under their skin without causing permanent harm goes and one must always be on guard and never show signs of weakness or reveal any information to their kismesis, lest they use this against their partner.

One sign of devotion in a relationship is wearing the colors of your partner. In the case of a Matesprit, its their favorite color.

In the case of a Kismesis, its their blood color, or at least a color they may hate.

All relationships are born of trust, but for a Kismesissitude, it is far more important, for they must both understand they are not trying to kill eachother while trying to wound one another.

A good sign of trust is allowing your Kismesis to wear your clothes with minimal reservation, as they probably wont destroy it outright, but probably will at least modify it, such as dying it another color.

This trust is what is crucial for it to succeed, they have to try and hurt without killing. And due to nature of the relationship, they try to one up each other constantly.

Stabbing someone in the arm may result in them cutting off your hand in response.

This often results in the one of them killing their partner kind of unintentionally while being caught up in a whirlwind of passionate hatred~

Sometimes in bed even.

These bouts of hate filled fighting can spill over into society at large, causing damage and injury to others and their property.

This is why the Auspices were founded~

The importance of the Auspice in a Black Romance is critical, for they serve as the referees, and prevent the relationship from getting out of hand. The loss of one or both individuals can be devastating to the group, especially if they’re of great standing and use to said group. Losing your own members to themselves is embarrassing to say the least.

They at minimum, keep the two individuals focused, preventing them from getting embroiled in their bitter dark chocolate freakishness, and having them stay civil as well as decent in public.

Anyone can be an Auspice, be they a passing stranger, or a concerned friend. But many Auspices are more permanent fixtures, usually one party members current Moirail or Matesprite.

But most often, it is normally a third party that is a mutual friend, that aides in keeping things from getting out of hand. A platonic friend that can help cool the flames and calm the storms, so the ship will not sink.

But Not All Ashenroms Are Platonic~

Some Are Polyamourous Relationships Where The individuals Engage in Mutually Consenting Frivolity In Their Own Various Ways, Be They ♥Flushed♣Or♣Pitched♠ And Can Vary On The Individuals Involved, Creating A Sort Of Menagerie Of Earthly Delights, One Could Compare To A Candy Store With A Wide Variety Of Sugary Treats To Suit Every Taste~~~

Which Makes Such Relationships Quite Appealing To Most People~

However, there are times when someone is Auspicing for their own selfish desires. Attempts may be done by the Auspice to change the nature of the relationship, and pull an individual into another Quadrant.

This is why they are known to be “Meddlers”, and prolonged Ashroms are rare, especially when they dont make it to the bedroom.

When they do make it in, its normally so the two individuals can pail and the 3rd party ensures they dont kill one another and nothing more. Once completed, the relationship may continue or end.

If an Auspice doesn't know what they are doing, they may be unable to keep up and be ineffective, or even make the situation worse.

But in the case that an Auspice does succeed, and pays their cards right, everyone can have a grand old time together, creating a rare instance where more than two individuals has a well balanced Romance with variety.

Black Romance often ends in two rivals breaking apart, either they cant handle the stress or one of them dies, usually at the hands of their partner. Or one of them simply gets bored, and doesn't feel fulfilled like they once were.

A Black Romance is after all, based in enthusiastic engagement, and it is not unusual for the relationship to end in mutual separation.

But there are times when one side loses the romantic aspect, and the hate turns true and genuine, and kills their partner on purpose.

There are even instances of cruel situations where one partner is manipulating their other for dark machinations.

Machinations that are Darker than Black

Abuse does often occur, but a proper Pitched relationship has consent, subtext and subtle hints giving expressing desires, and when fulfilled, there is aftercare, wounds are dressed, and reminders that there is affection. Should a deed go too far, a boundary overstepped, a true Kismesis will in one way or another, express regret and remorse over a transgression.

Transgression may include overly controlling behavior, emotionally isolating them, direct harm with intent to cripple or kill, engaging in a relationship with your Kismesis’s actual enemies who want to kill them, destroying what is valued and cant be replaced and manipulating them for personal gains at their permanent expense, especially when they cant afford it.

A Kismesis cares for their partners feelings and well being, and a good one goes out of their way to ensure they are secure and safe, even when having fun.

An abuser does not.

But then there are the very rare instances, where Kismesissitude is so strong and so stable and healthy between partners, that they seemingly end up in the same place as a end of a Flushed romance.

A truly loving rivalry, whose only goal in it, is the joy of having it.

When it happens, its like Black Magic.

The two seem to engage in bantering and mutual antagonism, yet its clear they’re enjoying each other in the act. Vacillating between Red, Black and Pale all within moments.

Should a Black Romantic Couple reach this level, they stay together simply because they love being together.

Marriage exists within Troll society, though it is rare, especially when its outside ones blood caste.

Black Marriages are particularly rare, as the process of getting Hate Married is rather intense.

A proposal involves biting off eachothers right ring finger and swallowing it. Which is pretty hardcore if you ask me.

Which turned out to be too hardcore, which was phased out for simply biting a wound into their partners finger instead

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Which was also phased out as it was a custom from a time before oral hygiene was a thing, people died due to infection.

Afterwords it became a case of merely scaring, then branding, then finally tattooing in your fiance’s sign in their blood color on your right ring finger.

A simple wedding ring is also acceptable, usually some cheap metal, like a Black iron ring.

Finally, the two tell each other a special secret about one another, usually something quite humiliating, as a means of making blackmail, so that either one wants to declare a divorce, they simply air their others dirty laundry.

#blackrom #black romance #Spade #ashrom #ashen romance #johnrezi #terezi pyrope #john egbert #homestuck #hiveswap

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