#something so irreplaceable getting ruined is heartbreaking

[thatsdemko]

the apology - c.pulisic

pairings: Christian pulisic x fem!reader

warnings: nsfw + not intended for minors + mentions of oral

a/n: here is my written apology for my dear @masonspulisic 🫶 hope you accept xx

the following content is not intended for minors

the morning sun in London was rare, you allowed yourself to spend an extra ten minutes in bed soaking up the rays peaking through the half cracked blinds.

the smile on your face is irreplaceable due to the warmth that’s spread in the room and knowing the fact that your boyfriend, Christian, lay beside you—or so you thought he was beside you. when your eyes finally flutter open you see his side was empty, and cold. groaning, you throw the covers off your body exposing you to the cool air of the bedroom.

“chris?” you move across the apartment until you find him in the kitchen making breakfast, his back is faced towards you while he cooks the eggs on the stove.

sneaking up behind him, you wrap your arms around his body. you feel him jump in your arms, he wasn’t expecting you to be awake, “you’re supposed to still be in bed.” he whines, you ruined his perfect idea of surprising you with breakfast in bed.

“I’m sorry, but I’m here now I can help.” you move from behind him, hand trailing his bare torso as you move to press a kiss to his cheek. your lips pressing against the bare skin sent a shock through your body. when you pull away he catches your eyes, “oh yeah I shaved.” he shrugs like it’s no big deal, and truth be told it’s not, but you thought you had convinced him to keep it this time.

your hum you let out sounds distasteful and hurt, he laughs a little while platting the eggs, as breakfast was now complete, “I did it this morning.” he says and a groan escapes your mouth as you take the plate off the counter and move into the living room.

you can barely look at him from across the table. he looks so different compared to the past couple of months, you’ve gotten so used to him with the soft subtle hairs against his cheeks and chin he looks like a different person.

“something wrong?” he asks noting your silence, when he looks up you shake your head. usually you’re excited in the morning to tell him about your plans, beg for him to come back and cuddle, but he assumes the heartbreak of him shaving was still too fresh in your mind.

“you know I can’t keep the beard forever, right?” he searches your eyes, but yours are focused on the breakfast in front of you or anywhere else, but him.

“whatever you say.” you mumble, fork about to stab a piece of egg when he pulls the plate away to grab your attention. when you look up you’re greeted to his eyes sternly on, “give me back my breakfast, Christian.”

“not until you acknowledge me.”

“you’re being ridiculous.” you scoff reaching for the plate but he pulls it further towards him meaning now you’d really have to reach across the table for it, leaving you now choice to stare at him.

“I could say the same to you! it’s just facial hair it’ll grow back.” the plate is back in front of you now, and you mumble a ‘thank you’ continuing to eat the remainders of your food.

“you just look different, I didn’t want it to go away.” you pout watching a little smile spread across his face. he thinks it’s cute how much you loved it, and sure it’d been around a little longer than he had anticipated, which is slightly why when he got up and saw you were still asleep he found the opportunity useful.

“how can I make it up to you?” he realizes there’s no other way he’s going to win this, ultimately he knows the correct answer is to never shave, but that’s off the table for now.

“a kiss might make it better?” you suggest watching him get up from across the table and gladly do so. he presses his lips against yours, it’s soft and it feels weird there was nothing there tickling your chin.

“better?” he asks just briefly pulling away until you drop your fork, hand forcefully pulling him back down and your lips are back on his. he feels the force and passion you’re giving, he can’t help but give it back.

“it’s not better, make me feel better.” you grit through your teeth. getting up from the chair, your body brushes against his as you leave the dining room table and head back into the bedroom. he has no choice, he wants to finish this. a peaceful breakfast was no longer on his mind.

when he comes into the bedroom your pajama shirt is already off exposing your breasts to him. you’re laying there, remote in hand casually scrolling through the channels, absentmindedly. he comes over, grabbing the remote and turns off the television, “how can I make it better? tell me.”

he watches you rise to your knees, hands tugging on the band of his grey sweatpants, “take ‘em off, pulisic.” your demand shocks him, he’s never seen you in control but he does what you say leaving him just in boxers.

“I think you know what I want.” you collapse your body back against the mattress, legs spread a bit exposing the red of your underwear in your pajama shorts. he licks his lips getting on to the bed, it’s his turn for his hands to tug on the band of your shorts.

“well then don’t be shy, show me what I need to do.” he whispers watching your finger tips pull down the material exposing your wet pussy to him. he smirks, lips beginning to trail down your naked body hearing the sweet moans escape your mouth.

his hands spread your inner thighs apart, feeling his lips suck the skin down there before moving to the parts that are glistening with moisture in the sun light. he takes his time, tongue lapping your folds. it feels awfully different, no burn of his beard against your thighs. you’re not sure if you like it, but you love what he’s doing down there.

your fingers are tugging on his brown curls, with moans of his name escaping every time he discovers a new part that has yet to be touched by him. his tongue budges through your entrance hearing a slight gasp for air come from you, his fingers are dug deep into the skin of your hip holding you down.

you’re trying your best to hold still while he’s down there, your moans are growing louder with each passing moment when he finally comes to your clit. you’re not expecting it, and when he gets there your grasp against his hair tightens and your legs begin to shake, “Christian,” is all you could keep saying as his tongue practically goes to town continuing to rub your clit.

“I’m right there.” your breath hitches allowing your body to breathe and release your cum against his face, he takes what he can before going to the bathroom and grabbing a towel to cleanup the rest.

“how was that? you accept my apology?”

“I guess I can accept it.”

#christian pulisic x reader #christian pulisic imagine #christian pulisic smut #christian pulisic #christian pulisic x you #christian pulisic one shot #christian pulisic blurb #christian pulisic fanfic #football fic #football drabble #football imagine #football smut #football oneshot #football imagines #football one shot #football blurbs #football blurb

[sckyie]

song: streetcar by daniel caesar

word count: 2.6k

genre + warnings: angst to fluff; reminiscing in past heartbreak, breakdowns, timeskips, swearing, someone gets slapped

pronouns used: she/her

a/n: here's part 2 to driver's license,, i hope this was okay >~< i had to include a new song to the mix (its going into the playlist) soooo enjoy :) also my ratio for angst to fluff is TERRIBLE im sorry

Ever since you had confessed your feelings to your best friend, you had became so distant from everyone. Knowing you might've ruined one of the best friendships shook you. Lately you'd been driving around past curfew just to keep your mind off him. Passing all the street lights just felt like you were driving down memories. 

That flickering light at the corner where Oikawa had helped you after crashing your bike into a pole. Or that bright cool light by the park where you, Iwa, and Oikawa first started playing volleyball. Or that one littered with stickers where you told both the boys that they better remember you when they were famous. 

Apathy overcame your entire being. Nothing seemed to matter anymore, who knew heartbreak could have this effect on a person? It was hard going to school, avoiding Oikawa in every hall, dodging Iwaizumi on your way out, and even trying to ignore Kasumi was too much. It hurt like hell but you didn't want to know what Oikawa had to say. More so, you didn't want to hear what he was going to say, you knew what he'd tell you.

Two months until graduation.

It had been a over a month since that confession. The bright girl everyone used to know dulled out. No one knew why nor how it happened. It only stung between you and the boy you knew you could never love. Oikawa and Kasumi remained together despite the lingering thought of those words you said to him. 

"I- You- Ugh! Just go away, I don't want to see you!" The crack in your voice shook those hidden feelings within you.

"Why not!" Oikawa held onto your forearm, restricting you from running away.

"Because I fucking loved you idiot!" You screamed as hot tears rolled down your cheeks. Oikawa froze at your words, unable to process them.

"You...loved me?" He asked.

"I still fucking love you! God, I hate you- I just- Let go!" You shoved him away from you. "I'm leaving. If you try to stop me, I'm never speaking to you again."

Yet, you never spoke to him regardless. The sudden break between you two effected Iwaizumi as well. Although he had no part in the situation, he was torn who's side to take. He knew your secret but he couldn't betray both his best friends. Seeing you two spilt was like watching glass break. It's sudden, scattered, irreplaceable but if you tried to fix it, you could cut yourself or ruin the glass even more.

Oikawa took your last words as your goodbye. What was worse was that, he couldn't bring himself to find the right words to say to you. How could his best friend love him and never tell him? He never did end up telling Kasumi that he loved her. He began to question his feelings about her and well, you. 

One more month until graduation.

"Hey Y/n, are you going to the third year dance?" Hanamaki taps your shoulder as you doodle on your notes. You shook your head, knowing well enough how you'd have to see Oikawa and Kasumi together. "Come on, we're all going."

"No thanks," You smiled. A sudden ache in your chest hit you as you looked back at your notes. "I don't like dances."

"Liar," Matsukawa joins into the conversation. "What happened to you?"

"Hm?" You looked up, tilting your head at him.

"Just come along, we'll drive," He suggests. "You don't need a date. Just tag along with he boys and Kasumi."

"Again no thanks," You turned him down. "I'm not on good terms with Oikawa right now. I don't want to see him."

"Well, then let's all four go together then. Me, you, Mattsun, and Iwa," Makki says. "We lowkey miss having you around."

"Yeah, come on, we don't have to go with them," Matsukawa agreed.

"Promise we won't hang around them?" You ask solemnly. They nod at you, prompting you to let out a long sigh. "Fine. I don't have a dress, do you guys want to come with to find one?" 

Two weeks until graduation.

You stood in line with the three boys to get inside the ballroom for the dance. You carefully adjusted Matsukawa's corsage that matched your dress. Kasumi and Oikawa had came later, waiting farther back in line. He rests his hand on her waist as he examined the people in line when he spots you. This was the first time in forever since he could see you clearly. He had only caught glimpses of you through the halls, never seeing your face.

Was that the reason the guys didn't want to ride with him? For you? It hit a bit knowing they chose you over him but he knew how you haven't hung out with anyone lately. Always avoiding people, never trying to talk to anyone. 

Inside the ballroom, you and the boys sat together at your assigned table. The songs seemed redundant, leaving you four to occasionally get up to dance. It wasn't until a slow song that caught your attention. You had your head leaning against Iwaizumi's shoulder when you spotted Oikawa and Kasumi walking center stage.

"I'm gonna go outside for some fresh air," You say, standing up. You adjusted your dress before walking away to the outside patio. The muffled sound of the slow song was heard as you rested your arms on the railing. You closed your eyes, trying to focus on the sounds of the streets nearby. It was hard to drown out the feelings of Oikawa after seeing him with Kasumi. You feel the pain well up, trying your best to resist crying.

You open your eyes as you feel something being placed on your shoulders. "You'll get sick out here," Iwaizumi says, standing beside you. "You're thinking of him aren't you?"

"Can we not talk about him?" You breathed, tears slowly rolling down your face. "I just don't want to think about how bad I fucked up."

"Well," Iwaizumi looked down at the ground. "Will you dance with me?" You turned to see him holding out his hand for you. Taking his offer, Iwa holds you close as the music played. He let you cry in his arms, knowing well enough that you needed this. Having held all your pain behind driving, you couldn't show how much you were in pain. 

"Thank you Iwa," You sniffled into his chest. 

"I'm always here for you," He smiled. "You're like a little sister to me...It pains me to see you all dull and hurt...When Makki asked you to come out with us, I didn't expect you to agree but I'm glad you did." 

"Can I tell you something?" You panted for air through your tears.

Oikawa held Kasumi close, carefully swaying back and forth together. With her head resting on his chest, he was able to see through the patio window. He spots you and Iwaizumi dancing but for some reason it stung in his chest to see that. Why is he hurt? He's with Kasumi and he loves her, right?

Graduation day.

A group of cheers goes around the ceremony as your final day in high school is finally over. You greet your old classmates one more time, saving your close friends for last. For some reason, all the pain you previously carried had faded away. You approach the gate to meet with your friends for the last time before you go off your separate paths. Makki and Mattsun agreed to text you more to keep up with each other.

Iwaizumi had hugged you once last time, telling you to do your best. You smiled for the first time in a while. It was strange but Iwa was glad to see you starting to move on. You and him agreed to update each other on your mental healths and to hang out whenever you'd visit. Then it was the one you dreaded.

Saying goodbye to Oikawa, it'll be the last time you'll see him. You waited patiently for him as he was caught up by some fans and Kasumi. When he did manage to leave the underclassmen, he spotted you waiting. "Hey babe, can you go on ahead? I want to talk to Y/n," He says to his girlfriend. She nods happily, walking by you as she left. 

"Hey," He stops a few feet away from you, scared to step any closer.

"Hi," You said. "I have a few words for you." You let out a small chuckle, leading him to believe it was something good.

"Good or bad?" He laughed.

"Well," You started. "I just wanted to say goodbye for the last time...It was nice being your friend and I know how rough it turned out in the end...I'm sorry for not telling you before how I felt. I just thought I wasn't good enough for you and that you'd fall for someone else. Kasumi is a great girl and you two are amazing together...I really wish you guys the best...I know you'll do outstanding in volleyball like the king you are. You better not forget us when you're famous..Listen, I have to go before I'm late, so this is...it...Goodbye Tooru." You wiped a tear from your cheek, smiling at him. You quickly turned around, disappearing into the city. 

"Wait! Y/n!" He rushes after you, only to get lost in the crowd of third years saying their goodbyes. Oikawa felt tears well up in his eyes as he desperately looked around for you. "You didn't let me say..." He whispered to himself.

A week later, Oikawa and Iwaizumi join each other to lunch at your favorite restaurant. Iwa scrolls on his phone waiting for the food while Oikawa looked at the booth you two would always get. "Hey Iwa-chan?" He asks. "Do you know where Y/n decided to go after graduation?" Iwaizumi stopped scrolling to think back at the third year dance.

"Can I tell you something?" You panted for air through your tears.

"Anything," Iwa replied.

"I'm moving away from Miyagi immediately after graduation," You sniffled. "Remember when we were kids and we said we wanted to live in Tokyo or Kyoto?"

"Y-yeah," He was a little shaken up hearing that you'll be leaving so soon. 

"My uncle just moved to Kyoto and he offer me a room there...and I said yes," You started to trace circles on his back. "It's by that college I wanted to go to and they have good jobs there and-"

"You don't have to explain yourself. You'll do amazing out there," Iwa chuckled. "Just promise you'll visit sometime?" He knew how much you needed to be away from Miyagi. Although it pained him, he knew it was only for the best.

"No," Iwa lied. "I haven't seen her. She hasn't texted in a while.

Three months after graduation.

You got into a cab on your way to your new job at a café. You stared out the window, admiring the new city you live in. Learning to adjust and work around the city was tough. The feeling of calling Kyoto home was strange, knowing that it wasn't. 

Ever since you had said goodbye to Oikawa, things in his life changed. He believed losing you wasn't fair, not knowing where you'd gone always haunted him. He had broken up with Kasumi over the guilt held over his head. Always thinking about you when he was with her wasn't right. With you being gone, his only priority became volleyball. 

You however, had let go of those old feelings you held onto. That last goodbye satisfied you, letting you sleep at night and allowed you to love yourself more. You've grown so much from dull slump you were stuck in for weeks. Though living in a different environment made it feel like you weren't even there.

Oikawa roamed the streets slowly approaching different shops along the sidewalk. He had some free time before the practice match he had, so it wouldn't hurt to explore, right?

That's when it happened.

You closed the door to your cab, turning towards the café's direction. Your eyes lock onto a set of familiar pupils. Frozen in time, the two of you never exchanged a word yet, suddenly a rush of emotions filled you both.

Pain, anger, fear, regret, almost everything you felt in the past came back to you seeing him. Standing before you, the man you once loved. The man you might still love.

You snapped out of your thoughts, walking towards him, stopping a few feet away from him. "Y/n what-" You raised your hand, harshly impacting Oikawa's cheek. His hand flies up to his face, holding the spot you smacked.

"You seriously broke up with Kasumi for me?" You growled. "Y-you're an idiot y'know? She was good to you too! Also ignoring Iwa for volleyball? I told you not to-"

"You kept track of me?" He whispered, a slight smile creeping on his face.

"W-Well obviously! I ask Iwa about you from time to time," You muttered. You looked up to Oikawa and saw him grin down at you.

Before you could say anything else, Oikawa puts his two hands on the sides of your cheeks. He pulls your face close to his, crashing his lips against yours. You tense at the action, gripping his wrists. He doesn't pull away until you settle into the kiss.

Your hands melt away from his wrists and reach for his torso. Your lips moved together in sync, almost as if it were a familiar feeling. He pulls away from you, pressing his forehead against yours. "You never let me say my goodbye," Oikawa snickered. "You said goodbye to me then disappeared without a trace."

"Sorry," You blushed. His hands move to your waist, still holding you close to him.

"I wanted to tell you that..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I love you too. I'm sorry I'm so late in telling you and I'm sorry for being caught up with Kasumi. I didn't know what I was doing and I couldn't talk to you...I fucked up for not seeing how much you- well how much I loved you...I know this is all late and you probably don't want to hear any of this but-"

You tiptoed and kissed his nose, making him stop. "How'd you find out you loved me?" You looked at him curiously.

"I was driving down your street and all the old streets we'd walk through," He started. "It reminded me of you and then I saw that white streetcar. The one that is always parked by the laundromat? It made me realize how much you meant to me."

"Seriously? That old junk car?" You laughed.

"Hey, it reminded me of you okay, just seeing it whenever we hungout and passed it," Oikawa squeezed your hip, making you chuckle at him. "Will you ever forgive me?"

Your laughter ceases as you look up at him. "I had to learn how to drive on the highway on my own, jerk," You brought up.

"Is that a yes?" He smirked.

"...No...Maybe," You squinted your eyes at him. "You owe me ramen."

"Wait how'd you know how I've been these last few months?" Oikawa pulls away from your hold.

"Oh Iwa was the first to know I was moving, I asked him to check on you every now and then. I just wanted to make sure your pretty face doesn't do anything stupid. You did by the way, you did some stupid shit," You grinned. "Hey are you hungry? I can get you something from the café for free." You turned away from him, heading to your job.

"Hey you can't just insult me then leave, come here," He runs after you stopping you a few steps away from work. Oikawa plants a rough kiss on your lips before looking down at you. "The only stupid thing I did was not tell you I loved you sooner."

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @d0llpie @elianetsantana @joy-laufeyson @kac-chowsballs

#haikyuu!! #hq #haikyuu x you #hq x you #haikyuu oikawa #hq oikawa #oikawa torū #oikawa tooru #oikawa x you #oikawa imagine #oikawa angst #hss; sckyie playlist

[dreamiesdotcom]

Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.—the history of love

Once upon a time, there was a girl who laughed; she always laughed brightly against the monochrome scheme of those around her, and made flowers of rainbow bloom with just a smile.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who fell in love. It was just so sweet, the sight before him, the giggles spilling from her lips. Her laughter is something he adored about her. It's a question he wants to answer — forever.

Once upon a time, she looks his way, and she finds a reflection of her inner self: troubled, lonely, and desperately trying to get rid of the sadness long growing inside her. She falls in love, too.

Once upon a time, two young hearts loved each other. They were sure it was forever — they thought, at least, until one day comes, and he had to leave.

It's not the ideal fairytale, but it's something he feels like telling his kids about. The girl with the summer smile, winter kiss. Someone who held fall deep inside their heart, with kindness that brings spring everywhere she goes.

He meets you again under the cherry blossom trees. It's the perfect continuation of your fantasy, the blue skies and pink flowers. Donghyuck stands out nicely in his beige sweater, the one he always lent you. You think, if you try hard enough, you can still find traces of his old perfume — the one he got rid of ages ago, when you broke up.

"Is he good to you?" your ex, Donghyuck, asks.

You smile, a far-away look in your eyes.

"He never hurts me."

He sharply turns to face you, a brow arched. He looked and looked thoroughly — your hair that fell on your shoulders gracefully, your lips stretched into a smile. The dull sadness in your eyes, a he tries again: "Does he love you?"

"Sometimes," you admit bitterly. "But it's alright, he doesn't have to. We're both just trying to replace the irreplaceable in our hearts, anyway."

"How do you feel about it?" He wonders to himself, "How did you go from the person I loved to this? To someone so desperate to not be lonely that they settled for something nobody deserves?"

And you wonder, too, for a while. Since when were you this pathetic? Or, rather, were you always like this, and it's just that Donghyuck added a pretty sparkle to your name, that you never noticed? Have you always been this way, settling for less as long as the other side of the bed remains warm? Reasons, reasons, all your why's. The answer rests at your tongue and remains there.

You shouldn't have let him leave — regrets. You should have asked him not to go — things you didn't say. You could've been so much more — what if's. And lastly,

"Sadness," you swallow the bile dow your throat. "Sadness changes people, heartbreak makes you afraid of being alone. I'm saving myself, Hyuck."

"You're ruining yourself."

"I am."

"You're being stupid."

"I know," you admit wistfully. "I know because I still love you."

#nct dream #nct dream imagines #nct dream x reader #nct 127 #nct dream blurbs #nct u #haechan x reader #nct dream drabbles #nct 127 imagines #haechan #haechan drabbles #haechan blurbs #haechan scenarios #haechan imagines

[winterisakillerwrites]

Lovers’ Eyes

Title: Lovers’ Eyes

One Shot: 1/1

Character: Tom Hiddleston

Genre: Angst

Rating: T

Summary: A devastating loss reveals a life-changing truth.

Authors Notes/Warnings: This story contains mentions of death (not Tom). This was brought about by this ask:

I don’t know if this was what you had in mind, but this is what my brain came up with, nonny. I hope you enjoy.

Thank you a hundred thousand times over to @ciaodarknessmyheart​​ for being my sounding board for this, encouraging me to run with the idea, and helping inspire what has happened and might possibly happen in future.

Tag List: @tinchentitri​​ @noplacelikehome77​​​ @theheartofpenelope​​ @blacksuitofdoom​​  @nonsensicalobsessions​​ @messy-insomniac-bookgirl​​ @just-the-hiddles​​ @wolfsmom1​​ @theoneanna​​ @hiddlescastle​​ @sabine-leo​​ @alexakeyloveloki​​ @echantedbytwh @ciaodarknessmyheart​​ @redfoxwritesstuff​ @finchbaggins​

If you would like on my tag list for any future works feel free to message/comment to be added. 

                                     But do not ask the price I pay

                                    I must live with my quiet rage

                                    Tame the ghosts in my head

                                  That run wild and wish me dead

                               Should you shake my ash to the wind

                                        Lord forget all of my sins

                                      And let me die where I lie

                         Beneath the curse of these lovers eyes

  “When?” 

The word fell from Tom’s lips in a pained whisper. He’d been up for the better part of two days, had seen the inside of no less than four airports and just as many planes, had ridden in the back of several cabs in the vain hope of getting there in enough time. Everything ached; his eyes, his body, his mind

…He’d been too late. He’d known he was too late by the tightness he could see in the reddened eyes staring back at him.

“Two hours ago.”

Despair flooded his senses and he felt his knees give way, falling back against the wall behind him. He slipped wordlessly to the floor, fighting to breathe. 

When he’d gotten the call on set, Tom had felt as though the world was splintering around him. Though it had been years since she spoken to her last, years since he’d made the single most idiotic decision of his adult life, he’d never once forgotten Elizabeth Michaels. His Eliza. He’d made peace with what happened between them in the best way he’d known how, by believing that she’d moved on with her life. That she had found someone, had a family, had the life he hadn’t been willing to give her at the time. The thought of her out there happy and whole made his own bitter disappointment in his failings an easier burden to bear. 

All of that had been ripped away when he’d taken the call only to hear her mother say, “Eliza’s dying, she’s asking for you. She doesn’t have long now.”

He’d all but run from the set, not bothering to explain his absence as he dialed his driver and sped back towards the hotel. He’d managed to shove as many clothes as he could into a carryall along with his passport, charge cord, and wallet when Luke’s call came. He listened without really hearing as Luke berated him for his complete and utter lack of professionalism. “What the fuck is going on? Have you taken complete leave of your senses?”

“I need you to get me a flight home now,” Tom hissed, cutting his publicist off mid rant. “I don’t care how you do it, I don’t care what it costs. Just do it.”

“Tom what is going on?” Exasperation and confusion colored his tone. In all the years they’d known each other, he’d never heard Tom like this.

“Eliza…” He choked the name out, feeling the tears he’d kept at bay threatening to break free. “I need to…Please Luke….”

Luke had never met Eliza but had known enough of her importance in Tom’s life to understand something drastic had happened. “Alright. I’ll see what I can do.”

“I’m headed to the airport now,” Tom explained before abruptly ending the call. Fuck professionalism and fuck his other obligations. He’d let Eliza down once and if she was…If he was going to lose her for good, he couldn’t let her down now. Not and be able to live with himself after.

The trip down the elevator, across the lobby, and back into the car passed in a blur. He growled at his driver to make for the airport and settled uncomfortably against the leather seat as the city flew past his window in a blur of color and motion. The freeway was packed and Tom near pulled his hair out as the minutes ticked by. How long did he have to get to her? The crushing weight of the unknown bore down on his shoulders and he yelled at the driver to go faster. 

His phone chimed with a text from Luke. He’d managed to squeeze him on a flight leaving in an hour and a half. From there he’d catch another two flights before he’d be back on British soil. It was far less than ideal but it was the best Luke could do with such short notice. Especially with the storms that were set to be rolling in.

Tom didn’t remember pulling into the drop off point at the airport or running for the ticket desk. All he could remember was clutching the boarding passes the woman behind the counter had given him as if they were the only things tethering him to this earth. He’d darted from the desk, through security and had all but thrown the boarding pass at the startled gate attendant as he skidded to a halt. The man scanned his ticket without comment and Tom had run down the walkway and into the plane.

He’d tried to sleep on the flight but found his mind refused to shut off. Images of Eliza; her bright hazel eyes, the warm smile she wore whenever she saw him, the way her face lit up when she laughed, her coppery hair gleaming in the sunlight as she lay against him; flooded his mind every time he closed his eyes.

They’d been so happy. So fucking happy and he had to go and ruin it. She’d been patient, understanding. Acting had been such an integral part of him, had been something he’d worked so hard at for so long. She’d sent him off with the promise that she would be there when he came home, be there when he needed her. 

And it had worked, at first. He’d thrown himself into his work but had always made sure to keep in touch with her. To phone whenever he could, to video call and when he was able fly back to spend whatever time he could with her. But as his demand grew those calls and visits slowly fell to the wayside until it had been months since he’d last seen her and weeks since they’d spoken. 

Tom would never forget the look on her face the last time he had seen her, a video call he hadn’t expected her to answer but knew he’d had to make. The pain and heartbreak in her eyes when he’d told her maybe it was for the best they ended things. His career was soaring and he couldn’t let anything hold him back. He was sorry but he couldn’t see any other way. She’d smiled at him, a broken, weak smile and wished him all the best. She told him she would always love him and that she’d understood.

And afterwards he’d thrown himself into his work. Burying himself in role after role, trying for any and everything. He refused to say no. Refused to take a break. Refused to slow down. This was his chance and he could not, would not, throw it away. He ignored the concerned looks from his team and brushed off the worried calls from his family. He ran at a breakneck speed until he’d finally one night he’d crashed.

Tom couldn’t remember where in the world he was, only that it was late and he was alone and for whatever reason that had become simply unbearable. He’d dialed Eliza’s number without even thinking, needing to hear her voice. Needing her gentle wisdom to soothe the unending weight he carried. But the number rang out as unavailable. He dialed it again only to receive the same message. Confused and terrified, he’d called his sister thinking maybe she’d have Eliza’s number. Or at least an explanation. They had been close before. Maybe they still were. 

But it had been of no use. Emma hadn’t spoken with Eliza in nearly a year, not long after things had ended between them, and last she’d known Eliza had left for the states and hadn’t given any forwarding information. He’d thrown his phone across the darkened room, screaming every obscenity that came to mind. Frustrated tears streamed from his eyes as he let the years’ worth of pressure, disappointment, and regret flood through him. He understood then, all too well, what he’d given up…What he’d thrown aside and for the first time the guilt he’d pushed aside broke free. 

When he’d woken up that next morning, head pounding and eyes raw, he called his agent and Luke and asked if there was any way he could get time to clear his head. The three weeks they’d managed to eke out of the production company of his latest project were spent curled up in his mother’s sitting room or in the house he’d bought but hadn’t truly moved into. He slept and ate and tried to recharge the battery he’d very much run into the ground with such dedication. 

He emerged with a heaviness he couldn’t quite shake but steady enough to push on. His work, his career, this was what he had now. He’d given up something irreplaceable and precious for it, failing now wasn’t an option. As the years passed he comforted himself with the thought that Eliza was out there happy and chasing her own dreams. She would have married and had a family, of that he was certain, even if the very idea of it felt like a lead ball in his gut. She would be happy and whole and better for not having to chase after his shadow. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it would have to be enough.

And it had been until his phone rang and the ground fell out beneath him.

His body shook as his grief consumed him. She was gone. His Eliza was gone. He was too late. Always too late. He brought his knees to his chest, clinging to them as he rocked back against the wall, tears streaming down his face. Why hadn’t he gotten there sooner? Why couldn’t he ever seem to do right by her? Why?

“I’m sorry,” he cried out, over and over again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

The words were of little use. It didn’t matter how sorry he was. Sorry wouldn’t change things. Sorry couldn’t bring her back. Sorry couldn’t change the choices he made. But god he was so fucking sorry. 

He didn’t know how long he’d sat on that floor, curled as tightly into himself as he could manage, drowning in his own grief and self-loathing. Eliza had been the one bright thing in his life and he’d thrown her away without a care. He’d taken the gift she’d given him and tossed it aside as if it were meaningless. And for what? The stupid need to prove himself. To be the best he could be at pretending to be someone else. God, he was such a fool. Such a complete and utter fool.  

“Thomas.”

He blinked up at the sound of his name, confusion and disorientation clouding his features. His back was stiff and sore, his head pounding. He’d known the voice, known it but couldn’t seem to place it. Eyes clearing, the blurred form of Keira Michaels came into view, her eyes lined with stress and grief.

Eliza’s mother had always been a formidable woman. Strong willed and opinionated, she had made her feelings towards Tom well known. “A decent enough boy, Eliza, but tied to his work. Be careful with him, he’s one who will do what it takes to survive.” And he’d proved her right, though it had never been his intention. He’d loved Eliza with every fiber of his being but his ambition and his need to prove himself had led him to walk away. To push her away without a thought. And what had that cost him? Cost them both? 

Tom had never thought he would see Keira again. And certainly never like this. They sat in uncomfortable silence, quietly sharing the unbearable chasm of loss between them. “I wasn’t sure you would come.”

It took him several moments to gather himself enough to choke out, “How could I not?”

He felt the older woman’s dark eyes narrowing on him. “You left easily enough, it stands to reason you’d be reluctant to return.”

Fury and shame burned twin flames within him. “I love her. That hasn’t ever changed.” 

Keira’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve a funny way of showing it.”

It took all he had to bite his tongue to keep from snarling back at her. Keira would never think anything but ill of him and he knew it was as much as he deserved. He loved Eliza but had walked away and now it was too late to fix it. Too late to make any of it right. Tears burned in his eyes once again and he pinched the bridge of his nose in a desperate bid to stop them.

Several deep breaths later Tom found his voice. “If you were so sure I wouldn’t come, why did you call?”

 “Because she asked for you.”

A fresh stab of pain bloomed in his chest at the words. Confusion and guilt followed soon after. Why had she asked for him? How could he be the person she wanted in the end after he’d left her? Eliza had always been an open, loving, generous person; it had been one of the many, many things he’d loved about her. She had a big heart, a kind and understanding heart. But even the kindest person had their limits surely. And what did it matter now? He’d come too late. She’d asked and he hadn’t come in time. 

“You and I…We’ve never seen eye to eye, I doubt we ever will.” Keira spoke, her voice coming from what felt like miles away; quiet and barely audible. Tom blinked up at her before pushing himself unsteadily to his feet. The world tilted alarmingly, his vision tunneling as his hand shot out to brace against the wall to keep himself upright. “And if she hadn’t asked, hadn’t wanted…But she…My girl, she never stopped loving you, for all the good it and you did her. And there were things she wanted to tell you…Things she should have told you. Things you need to know.”

He couldn’t make sense of the words. “I don’t understand…”

Keira sighed, digging into the bag that hung by her side. She pulled out a folded envelope and thrust it in Tom’s direction. He stared at it and then at her. “She gave me this for you…In case you didn’t…”

Tom swallowed thickly, taking the envelope with a shaking hand. He unfolded it slowly, nearly dropping it when his name written in her delicate hand caught his eye. The urge to tear it to pieces and throw it in the nearest fire battled with the need to tear it open and read the words she’d left for him. So he stood with it shaking in his hands, staring without seeing.

“You need to sleep, Thomas. Get yourself some sleep, read that, and when you’re ready we’ll talk.”

Without giving him a chance to answer, Keira turned on her heel and walked away.

It went against everything in him, leaving the hospital before he’d even seen…But did he truly want to see her body? Seeing that would make things real and right now real was the absolute last thing he wanted. Seeing her cold, empty and knowing that would be the last image he would ever have of her…No, most definitely not.

The hotel he’d stumbled into was a ten minute ride from the hospital. He could have braved the longer drive back to London and the comfort of his own bed, but doing so now felt like the worst sort of betrayal. So he’d gone to the nurse’s station down the hall and asked for the nearest hotel.

Flustered, the nurse stared back at him for several minutes before mumbling something and handing him a piece of paper with the information he’d asked for. Part of him understood she’d recognized him but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He didn’t bother to fake a smile and put on the charm he was well known for. What was the point of any of it?

The room was dark and the bed comfortable enough. Tom hadn’t paid attention to any of it. Not in the cab ride over, nor at the check in desk, nor in the elevator, nor when he opened the door and stumbled inside. He dropped his bag by the desk and fell heavily on top of the maroon duvet. He had no intention of sleeping, hadn’t felt he’d earned the right to such an escape, but his body had other plans and it had gone far too long without having them fulfilled. He’d blinked once and gave into the exhaustion clawing at his bones. 

When he came to the room was black as pitch. Disorientation and panic flooded through him as his sleep-logged brain struggled to orient itself. Everything came back with a sickening realization; where he was, just why he was there, all the madness and pain of the last several days.

Eliza. Oh God. 

He scrambled from the unmade bed and practically threw himself into the cramped bathroom, dropping to his knees and vomiting into the toilet. He clung to the cool porcelain of the bowel as the nausea radiated over him again and again and again. Tears burned in his eyes, blurring his vision. But he didn’t care. She was gone and everything he had prayed had been a terrible, horrific nightmare had been real. And there was nothing he could do to change it. With trembling hands, he pushed himself back, closing the lid and resting his head against it. The room spun around him despite his refusal to watch. Once it seemed to calm, Tom raised his head once more. 

Shaking, he pushed himself first to his knees and then unsteadily to his feet. Violent flashes of red and black clouded his vision as he stumbled into the vanity, gripping the cool Formica top to keep from crumpling back to his knees. The pain in his thigh told him there would be bruises forming there soon enough.  

Reaching out, he turned on the faucet and splashed cool water against his flushed skin. He hadn’t the faintest idea what time it was, hadn’t bothered to turn his phone one since he’d boarded that last plane. There would be untold number of messages and missed calls waiting for him, he knew that without question. Luke might not have fought him initially but he would be expecting an explanation; if only to appease the feathers Tom had undoubtedly ruffled with his hasty exit. But he hadn’t the patience for any of it. 

Taking a shuddering breath, Tom dried his face and made his way back into the main room, hitting the wall several times with an opened palm until he managed to hit the overhead light switch. Scrubbing his face with his palms, Tom dropped onto the bed. Even with sleep under his belt his head still felt fuzzy and slow despite the jumble of confused thought buzzing through it. He fell back against the mattress, turning as he heard the crinkle of paper beneath his head.

He saw it then. The letter. Her letter. His fingers felt numb as he struggled to grab the envelope. As he held it, Tom felt his chest tighten. Could he open it, read the words she left for him, knowing they were her last? The paper shook in his hands as he slid a finger beneath the seal and ripped. Shook even harder as he pulled the folded paper out and let his eyes fall upon her neat hand.

 Tom,

 Hello my darling man. It has been such a long time since I have called you that so please forgive me the liberty of doing so again. This is not the way I wanted to have this conversation but time and fate aren’t on my side any longer. And I am sorry for telling you this way.

But before I delve into my reasons for writing this, I wanted to tell you how immensely proud I am of you. I’ve watched you shine these last several years, watched your dreams come true. I always knew, down deep in my bones, that you were meant for great things and despite how things ended between us I do not begrudge you for it. I wanted to and I admit for a good while I tried. It was so much easier, at first, being angry. But anger never solves anything and I knew then and I still know now that maybe my place in your life was simply to help you along this path. I wish it had been more. I wish we’d been more and maybe if I had fought harder… 

It doesn’t matter now. I made my choices and so have you. I am proud of you, though. You shine in ways I always knew you would. Please keep shining, Tom. Never stop. You never know how long you’ll have.

This next part is the one of the most difficult things I have ever done. My intention was to tell you myself, to be open and honest as I should have been all those years ago. But if you are reading this then I either could not face it or it was too late. And I’m sorry for either of those options. 

The day you called, the last time we spoke, I had been working up the nerve to tell you that I was pregnant. We have a son and he is the most wonderful little boy. His name is James William. Jaime. He’s nearly five now and looks so much like you it tears my heart. 

I should have told you when I knew. I should have told you that day. It wasn’t right to keep it from you. To keep him from you and I know that. Just as I know you will be angry with me for a long time over this. I don’t blame you for that and I deserve your ire. I kept something so important from you and that is not something easily forgiven.

I could see then how much your career meant, could see how things were only just starting for you. And I knew how important it all was for you. How you needed to do this, needed to take those chances and that you couldn’t afford the ties I brought. You told me that day you loved me but that we were a distraction and you couldn’t have that. If I was a distraction on my own, what would our child be? So I kept my silence and I let you go.

It was wrong of me. I should have told you. You deserved the chance to make up your own mind. But I took that choice from you and I hadn’t the right. For that I am so terribly sorry. 

I’ve had years to wrestle with the guilt of keeping something so important from you. There have been so many times I wanted to reach out, so many times I should have. But I didn’t. Each time I wanted to the knowledge that I hadn’t stayed my hand. How could I explain? So I kept keeping this from you and I will never forgive myself that.

Please don’t blame Jaime for this. Don’t let your anger at me colour your knowledge of him. He is my light and my world. None of this is his fault. 

I have always loved you, Tom. Even when it would have been a great deal easier not to. There is so much I wanted to say to you, so much I wish I had said. But life is so short and I don’t have anymore time.

I love you, always.

Eliza

  The letter tumbled from his fingers.

He sat, his back rigid and eyes staring blankly. Chaos screamed in his mind as he tried to make sense of the words. Of the magnitude of the bomb that had been dropped into his lap. A father. Fucking hell, he had a son. A son. He didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry or rage at the thought. How could be a father? How could she never have told him until it was too fucking late.

Anger roiled through him. Hot and fierce and all consuming. She had lied to him. Kept something so fucking vital and life changing from him. How fucking dare she dump this on him now when he couldn’t face her on it. Couldn’t demand she tell him why. He should have known.

But as quickly as the anger came, it was doused in a fresh wave of guilt and shame. This was just as much his fault as it had ever been hers. All Eliza had ever done was love him. She believed in him, encouraged him, and he’d pushed her aside for his own glory. He had seen there was something in her eyes that night. Something in the set of her brow that told him there was something she wanted to say, something she needed to say, but he blundered on with his needs. His wants. And she’d said nothing.

He couldn’t blame her…Not fully, as much as he wanted to. And he wanted to so badly. If she had told him…God, he didn’t know what he would have done. What path he would have chosen. The life he…They could have had. And now he never would. She had taken that choice from him and all he could do now was flounder in the aftermath.

Tom scrubbed his face with his hands. Confusion warred with the twin flames of exhaustion and frustration. If he could only turn his mind off, just for a short while. He knew that couldn’t happen, but he would give just about anything to try. Wearily, he pushed himself up to his feet once more and over towards the desk where he had dropped his carryon the night (or was it morning, he’d lost track of time by this point) before. He lifted the small black bag and carried it back to the bed, dumping the contents onto the duvet.

He’d packed in a rush, grabbing the first pieces of clothing his fingers touched and not caring ever much if it was at all practical. He was in desperate need of a shower; he could feel the grime of two days’ travel clinging to his skin. His hair itched and a small part of him hoped that he’d feel better clean. That the soap and water would help clean his mind as well as his body.

The black, blank screen of his mobile stared up at him from the tangle of clothing. This was the longest he’d had the damned thing off in more time than he wished to contemplate. It wasn’t as though he was tied to the device, but with the way his world worked being in constant contact with people had become a dire necessity. If he turned the thing off it was only for the duration of a flight or for short a time as necessary. Staring down at it now, Tom found himself dreading the mess awaiting him when he finally turned it back on.

Snatching the mobile up he powered it on before tossing it back onto the bed and grabbing a change of clothing and his toiletry bag, disappeared into the bathroom to shower. He turned the water as hot as he could stand, stripped, washed himself quickly, and remained under the burning spray long after his skin wrinkled and pruned. Body clean but mind still racing, Tom toweled himself off quickly and dressed before padding barefoot back into the main room.

He scrubbed the towel over his damp hair and allowed his attention to return to his mobile. With a less than steady hand, he grabbed the device and tapped the button on the side to wake the screen. As he feared dozens of messages blipped and beeped for his attention. By his count he’d missed ten calls from Luke, four from his mother (whom he was sure Luke had called after being unable to reach him), and another two from Emma (most likely in response to his lack of response to their mother). He let out a soft groan, warring with the idea of ignoring the messages longer or getting the unpleasantness awaiting him out of the way as rapidly as possible. He knew they cared, knew he’d worried them something fierce, but Tom wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to face all of that now. Not when his head was still spinning.

With a groan of frustration he tossed the mobile back onto the bed and paced the room. He needed to do something but he’d be buggered if he knew what. Prime parental example I’m making, he thought bitterly. 

The thought caught him up short. Fuck, he was a father. But what the fuck did he actually know about that? 

He’d been an uncle for years now, both literally and honorably. Had done what his elder sister referred to as parenting lite; minding his nieces and honorary nephews for an afternoon at a time, playing silly games with them. It had always been with the firm knowledge that he would be handing them back to their parents. He’d always loved children and had wanted them in that vague future someday. But the idea of actually being a father to a child he’d only learned of…It terrified him. How in the world could he be a father when half the time he couldn’t keep his own shit together?

A flash of panic ripped through him. Would be even be allowed to be? All he had was Eliza’s word that the child was his. He didn’t doubt her word, Eliza was many things but never cruel. Never a liar.

But she kept this from you, the small voice in the back of his head reminded him. She never told you and she should have. What proof do you have that she’s told you the truth in this now? 

He shook the thought away.

No. She isn’t…, He winced, wasn’t a liar.

But where did that leave him? He’d had no knowledge of the boy, of Jaime, until a handful of hours ago. He had no part in his life. He didn’t know the boy and he doubted Jaime had any real knowledge of him either. Did he really have the right to come in and uproot this boy from everything he’d ever known? Could he even do that? Did he have the legal rights to?

Fuck, Luke was going to skin him alive. After years of relatively no issues, here Tom was dumping a potentially catastrophic one right into Luke’s unknowing lap. This would be a scandal no matter how they approached it. Luke would have his hands full sorting through the mess, and cursing his name the entire time. There was no way this could be kept quiet, not really. What kind of father would he be if he dragged his child into the middle of that sort of madness? The press wouldn’t leave him or the boy alone. And even if by some miracle they did, what kind of father could he be if he were home? He didn’t have a job that came with steady, regular hours. He couldn’t just drop everything and be there the way the boy…his son, Jaime, would need. 

Maybe it would be better if he walked away now. If he refused to claim the boy as his own. Jaime had his grandmother, had Eliza’s sisters. He would have a family. He didn’t need the complication of Tom’s life tangled with his own. He was too young. It wouldn’t be right, wouldn’t be fair.

But Eliza wanted this. She wanted him to know me….Or at least for me to know about him. 

Could he truly turn his back and walk away again? Could he do that knowing what he knew now? Knowing that Jaime was out there?

“Fuck!” he screamed, slamming his fist into the wall. He felt the plaster crack beneath his knuckles. He cursed again at both his fit of temper and the damage he’d done to the wall and his hand. There would be bruising, he was sure of it. And swollen knuckles.

Great example we’re setting here.

Fuck indeed.

He couldn’t walk away. Not now. He knew it just as certainly as he knew in his heart Jaime was his. He couldn’t, wouldn’t turn his back on his family. It was stupid, he was being stupid. He could hear his agent screaming that at him now. This was the absolute worst time for this to happen. Nothing in his life was equipped for his sudden summersault into unexpected parenthood. He had projects lined up well into the following year. Fuck, he wouldn’t even be in the country half the bloody time. He had people he was accountable to, deals he couldn’t in good faith back out of now. This was a monumentally stupid idea. 

But he couldn’t shake it away now that it had taken root in his mind. Couldn’t shake the mad and sudden impulse that he had to do this. He had to be involved as much, or as little, as he would be allowed.

For Eliza’s sake.

For Jaime’s.

For his own.

 Tom had his mobile in his hand and the number dialed before he had the chance to second guess just what the hell he was doing.

 “Mrs. Michaels…Keira…It’s Tom.”

                                                         —

He rubbed his hands against the sides of his jeans in a vain effort to disguise how clammy they’d become. He’d been fighting down the steady flurry of butterflies that had seemed to take up residence in his gut in the entire ride. For the hundredth time he contemplated simply climbing back into the cab and back to life as he’d always known it. Instead, he handed the cabbie his fare and made his way down the brick lined path on unsteady feet.

On the phone Keira had made herself perfectly clear; She wouldn’t prevent him from meeting Jaime, he was his father and she wouldn’t deny him that, but she asked, pleaded with him, to not tell the boy just who he was. To tell Jaime that he was simply an old friend of his mother’s. “He’s confused enough as it is, losing his mother. I don’t want to risk more pain and confusion if you decide you can’t do this.” 

The words had stung but Tom respected them. What right did he have to drop all of this onto a little boy who just had his world turned upside down? The last thing he needed right then was more upheaval. More change. He needed steady and secure and familiar now more than ever.

She had also insisted on having the meeting take place in her home. “Some place he knows, where he will be comfortable.” Jaime was living with her now. Both he and Eliza had been under her roof for the last year or so. Since shortly after Eliza learned just how sick she actually was. She’d wanted to have her family close, wanted Jaime to be somewhere safe if the inevitable happened. Just in case.

And it had.

The house was just as he’d remembered it. A two story semi with green shutters and a dark blue door. Walking up the path to the door brought back far too many ghosts he’d thought he’d purged. Apparently, he’d been mistaken. He stood at the door for several minutes, trying to work up the nerve to ring the bell. He debated, once more, on the better part of discretion before raising his hand and pressing his finger firmly against the cool metal of the bell. 

He heard the shuffling of feet inside growing steadily louder as they drew near. He swallowed against the lump which had taken root in his throat. The door opened and he met Keira’s cool gaze. Her face was less lined than it had been in the hospital corridor but grief still painted her features. He could see it in the set of her jaw and the haunted look in her eyes. She nodded at him and ushered him inside.

The front hall was dim and cool, he blinked several times adjusting to the change in light. He followed quietly behind her as she walked down the hall and towards the living room in the back of the house. Tom could hear the low murmur of the television and wondered what Jaime would be watching. His own nieces had been taken with Dora and god knows what else at that age. What did he like? What did he hate? What was his favorite bedtime story? Favorite song? God these were things he should have known without thinking. 

He froze at the edge of the doorway, suddenly terrified of what awaited him. Could he actually do this? What was he supposed to say? To do? 

“Jaime, love,” he heard Keira call. “I have someone who’d like to say hello.” She turned towards Tom and beckoned him forward.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath Tom took the last few steps and walked into the brightly lit room. In front of the television, with its program now on mute, sat Jaime. His eyes were wide, curious, and a stunning shade of hazel. Eliza’s eyes. His face…God it was like looking in a mirror. The boy had his same mop of dark blonde curls, his rounded cheeks, and bright smile. If he’d had any doubts they’d been completely and utterly obliterated. This boy. Jaime. Was his. 

“Hello,” he heard himself say, his voice strangely calm and even despite the furious pounding of his heart. “My name is Tom. I’m a…I’m a friend of your mum’s.”

#Tom Hiddleston #Tom Hiddleston RPF #Tom Hiddleston x oc #Tom Hiddleston x ofc #Tom Hiddleston x original character #Tom Hiddleston x original female character #original child character #grief #loss #death #angst

[i-like-plan-m]

LOVE THE NEW SOF CHAPTER. Can we please have the next chapter be the recovery and NMJ sitting wwx down to explain Why That Was Not Okay and You Do Not Owe Us Anything, Let Alone Be Expendable Holy Shit I Would Literally Cut Off Heads For You WTF. Wwx needs it. Also NMJ and WWX recovering together and LXC IS THERE BECAUSE HEALER! throw in lwj too let those two be coddled by Lan mother henning and let NHS fuss and bitch and Mengyao deal with the fact that this is his life now.

Like this? :)

[Ao3]

___________

He woke, and his first thought was of Wei Wuxian. 

Nie Mingjue peeled his eyes open, dismayed at the effort it took from him. He recognized his room-- the wide window casting the first rays of dawn across his face, Xichen’s scent lingering on the pillow beside him, the scorch marks on the wall where Wei Wuxian had once tried to use a fire talisman to kill a bug. 

He heard soft breaths by his bed, and for a long moment was too afraid to look, too afraid to go searching for his little brother and not ever find him again. 

He did not think he could survive losing anyone else.

Nie Mingjue was many things, but he was not a coward. He braced himself for heartbreak, turning his head in slow degrees towards the unmoving shape curled up in a chair in the corner. He could not tell if they were A-Sang’s dark green or A-Xian’s black robes. 

Pain demanded his attention, a razor-sharp ache in his ribs that made every breath both a monumental effort and an instant regret. He felt layered bandages enveloping his torso beneath the blankets, wrapped firmly for the broken ribs and the deep gouges on his chest left behind by the demon. 

He sat, so slowly that the sun had nearly risen in full before he managed to be completely upright. The gnawing pain made his vision go black, but he stubbornly fought his fading consciousness until he was able to see again. 

He rose slowly to his feet, a hand braced on the wall for support. His joints cracked and there was a stiffness in his body that made him wonder how long he’d been unconscious. 

He took a single, tiny step forwards and had to pause to blink back the tears of pain that rose unbidden to his eyes. 

And then the door opened, the figure in the shadowy corner startled awake, and Nie Mingjue felt one of the scabs on his chest crack open and bleed. 

“What are you doing?” Huaisang said, indignant. “You’re supposed to be in bed!” 

A-Sang was by the door, which meant…

Wei Wuxian yelped when Nie Mingjue grabbed him by the front of the robes and hauled him in, crushing him into a suffocating hug as tears of relief threatened to escape. He cupped his brother’s head with one hand, the other arm tight as a vise around his shoulders. 

Wei Wuxian pressed his face into Nie Mingjue’s shoulder and trembled. 

“Never again,” Nie Mingjue said harshly. “Do you hear me, A-Xian? Don’t you ever do something like that again.” 

“But you were going to--” 

“You are not replaceable,” he thundered. 

He heard a mutinous, “Neither are you,” mumbled into his shoulder and resisted the urge to shake his brother, if only because any more movement would probably make him pass out. 

“Da-ge,” Huaisang threatened, appearing at his side with a murderous look in his eyes. “The healer said you are not to move a muscle until you are fully healed.” 

“So she did,” Nie Zonghui said from the door. Nie Mingjue glanced at him, noting the dark circles beneath his friend’s eyes and the stark relief on his smiling face. 

“I’m fine,” he said. 

“Sure,” Nie Zonghui said agreeably. “For totally unrelated reasons, I’m going to find Nie Wenji.” 

Nie Mingjue huffed at him, annoyed, but let the boys bully him back into bed nonetheless. He snagged Wei Wuxian’s sleeve when he tried to move away, wanting to keep him close until the memory of the demon on his heels and the forest swallowing them both up had faded. 

Wei Wuxian cooperated for once by sitting on the bed beside him, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with a wide yawn and helpfully scooting over so Huaisang could join them.

“Are you hurt?” Nie Mingjue asked. 

Wei Wuxian shook his head. “Just scratches and stuff. Nie Wenji healed me pretty quick.”

“Where are Liu Rushi and Nie Huiyin? What happened?” 

“We got lucky, is what happened,” Nie Huiyin said as she limped into the room, bracing most of her weight on Liu Rushi. She shot them a wide smile. “Hey, Sect Leader. We heard you were awake.” 

“What…” 

“A tree fell on me,” she said cheerfully. “I broke my leg and had a few puncture wounds. No biggie.” 

“‘No biggie,’” Huaisang repeated incredulously. 

Nie Huiyin was unfazed. “Yeah, I’m fine with it. We’re all alive, and she thinks scars are hot.” 

Liu Rushi, bearing as many bandages as Nie Mingjue and a long-suffering expression, just sighed. “A-Yin set off the flare during the fight, which Nie Zonghui and half the sect responded to. They made it in time to stop the bleeding and address the internal injuries you had before you died.” 

She continued, shooting an affectionate glance at the boys. “A-Sang kept the pressure on your wounds so you didn’t bleed out, while A-Xian led the demon into the forest. The lure kept its focus entirely off of us, so we were able to finally bring it down.” 

Nie Wenji bustled into the room, scowling at Nie Huiyin and Liu Rushi. “I didn’t give you permission to get up! Go back to bed before you undo all my hard work.” 

Liu Rushi bowed for them both. “Yes, Nie-qianbei.” She helped Nie Huiyin hobble back out. 

Nie Wenji shooed the boys out of her way so she could check the bandages, handing them a few supplies to hold onto with a command to make themselves useful. Nie Mingjue tried not to blanch at the glare she gave him at the sight of the bloodied bandages on his chest. 

“Don’t even think about moving again,” she ordered. “It took all of my spiritual energy to keep you alive, Sect Leader, and I will be very offended if you ruin my efforts.” 

“Yes, Nie Wenji,” he said, knowing better than to pick a fight with the sect healer. They didn’t fight fair. 

As if hearing the thought, she turned back to Wei Wuxian and told him to give the small bowl of medicine to Nie Mingjue and ensure he drank it all while she left to retrieve new bandages.

Wei Wuxian cupped the bowl carefully between his hands and passed it to him. Nie Mingjue frowned down at it, wondering at its alarming shade of red. 

“I put some chili oil in there to help with the taste,” Wei Wuxian said earnestly, because of course he kept it stashed on him at all times. Nie Huaisang face-palmed behind him. 

Nie Mingjue decided he was too exhausted to give a fuck. He downed the whole thing at once and instantly regretted it, thinking that death might have been kinder, and then slipped back into sleep with his mouth on fire and his brothers bickering beside him. 

Soft fingers threading through his hair woke him later, along with the weight on the bed and gentle music in the background. 

Nie Mingjue made a sleepy questioning sound at the back of his throat, blinking his eyes open to find Lan Xichen smiling down at him. 

“Xichen?” He croaked, squinting blearily at him. He closed his eyes briefly as Xichen tenderly brushed the hair away from his eyes. 

“Huaisang wrote to me when you were hurt,” Xichen said, mouth curling. “He says you’re a terrible patient.” 

“He’s a much worse nurse, believe me,” Nie Mingjue assured him, hearing an offended “Hey!” from across the room. 

Xichen laughed. “Rest, Mingjue. I brought Wangji along to play Healing for you.” 

That would be the source of the music, he assumed, looking past Xichen to where Lan Wangji knelt in front of his guqin and played with single-minded intensity. Wei Wuxian was kneeling beside him, shuffling a little closer every time he thought Lan Wangji wasn’t paying attention to him, as though he simply couldn’t help himself.

Xichen’s smile faded as his fingers brushed the bandages on his chest. “This is…” 

“It looks worse than it is,” Nie Mingjue assured him. 

“No, it’s exactly as bad as it looks,” Huaisang said irritably from the corner chair. 

Nie Mingjue rolled his eyes. “We have a saying in Qinghe,” he told Xichen, catching his hand and pressing it to his mouth. He watched a pretty pink flush spread across his cheeks and momentarily lost his focus. 

“And what is this saying of yours?” Lan Xichen prompted, threading their fingers together.

“It’s far from the heart,” Wei Wuxian piped up. 

Nie Minjue nodded seriously. “Exactly.” 

“This is… really not that far,” Xichen said doubtfully, eyes dropping to his chest. 

“Doesn’t matter!” Wei Wuxian chirped. “Still counts.” 

“It mostly just means that it won’t kill me,” Nie Mingjue explained when Xichen blinked back at Wei Wuxian, clearly baffled.

“Oh, I see. So it’s a motto for the way you Nies brush off fatal wounds on the regular?” Xichen teased, but his grip was tight. 

“Now you’re getting it,” Nie Mingjue said warmly. 

Xichen leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I was scared when I got the letter,” he admitted quietly, resting his forehead against Nie MIngjue’s. 

“I’m fine,” Nie Mingjue promised, and pretended he couldn’t hear Huaisang’s disbelieving scoff. He lifted the hand not already held in Xichen’s to touch his jaw with careful fingers. “I missed you.” 

“Ew,” Wei Wuxian said like the brat he was. 

“Would you perhaps like a new brother, Xichen?” Nie Mingjue asked with feigned sincerity. 

Wei Wuxian just laughed. “You said I was irreplaceable, da-ge. That means you’re never getting rid of me.” 

Yes, he supposed that was true, NIe Mingjue thought fondly. Now they just had to make A-Xian believe it.

But that would come later, when he could sit up on his own without the whole world spinning around him. He wouldn’t be chasing his brothers around for a while yet, but the spark of dread at being bed-ridden faded with Xichen’s soft touch, the mindless chatter from Wei Wuxian, Huaisang’s occasional commentary, and the music finally lulling him back to sleep. 

#shades of grey #getinthefuckingjaeger #hey i love your username a lot #my fics #my writing #the untamed #mdzs #wei wuxian #wei ying #nie mingjue #nie huaisang #nie sect #nie brothers #nie sect wwx

[wolfqueen-is-here]

Rating ASoIaF POVs

Don’t come at me, these are my personal likes and dislikes (also I’m bored and I had a bizarre fandom encounter yesterday which made me almost consider being too old for Tumblr :P).

If you want to give me yours, I’ll be more than happy to read them!

The order is number of chapters in all the books combined, not my personal favourites. To make it more fun, I’ll also rate them in a scale from 1 to 10 (my least favourite POVs to my best-loved ones).

Here we go!

TYRION - 6/10

Even though he’s not my favourite character (and that’s a huge understatement), I enjoy his chapters in both AGoT and ACoK. I feel kind of “whatever” towards his ASoS chapters, but the real deal-breaker are those from ADwD. It took me nearly two years to finish that book, simply because whenever I stumbled upon his POV, I went into a coma. For me personally it presents his least likeable portrayal, least insightful journey, least understandable motivations. Moreover, he used to constantly objectify women, while judging them by THEIR potential willingness to overcome their prejudice towards him in order to sleep with him. Like get over yourself, ma boy.

JON - 8/10

He started out as an underdog, his chapters in GoT were kind of boring and whiny, nothing ever happened. But boy oh boy, I can’t get enough of him since he ventured out and started hanging out with the wildlings; and his Lord Commander chapters? Probably my favourite ones in ADwD.

ARYA - 8/10

I preferred her hanging out in Westeros, I feel like crossing the sea slowed down her story a bit. Other than that: great read!

DAENERYS - 8/10

People often complain that her chapters were kind of a bore, but for me it was quite the opposite. For a long time she was our only window into Essos, she’s also quite observant and resourceful, so maybe she’ll help Tyrion’s POV become interesting again once they finally meet.

CATELYN - 10+/10

I ofter say that Sansa’s chapters are my favourite, but if I really had to make a choice, it’d be Cat. Her POV is captivating from the very beginning, and she takes us on such a journey! She’s our first window into the Vale, into Renly’s camp (where we meet Brienne and the Tyrells), into Riverrun and the Twins! We follow Robb through her eyes, we mourn Ned with her... She never stops being an interesting character with an eventful background, thrown into situations we wouldn’t be able to witness, weren’t it for her POV. You may like her, you may dislike her, but I’d say that the importance of her chapters is indisputable.

SANSA - 10/10

What can I say? I like her insight, she’s one of the most observant POV characters in the books (maybe because she doesn’t really have her own agenda - not in a bad way, she’s a child and a captive), which makes her less self-absorbed (especially in the later chapters). Yes, her first chapters in AGoT were a bit dull, and that’s why I’d choose Cat’s POV over hers in general.

BRAN - 7/10

I know it’s the weirdest thing to say about one of the most supernatural POVs, but I kinda preferred his Winterfell chapters? He proved to be a great leader (and I’m sure he will be a good king), but some of his later chapters blurred for me into a tight knot of “I’m going north, but sometimes I warg into Summer and hunt”. I hope we explore more of his abilities in TWoW, that’s something I’m really looking forward to despite not being particularly captivated by the deep north’s charms.

JAIME - 8/10

Entertaining, insightful, arrogant - and I’m talking about both Jaime Lannister and his POV chapters. He’s an arsehole with a terrific backstory, but also a walking disaster of a character. Pure joy. The only thing I regret is getting his POV so late in the books. I know it’d ruin suspense otherwise, but still.

EDDARD - 9/10

I love going back to AGoT and reading his chapters, pretending that I don’t know how things end for him. There are so many “main hero” tropes in his chapters, it makes me laugh. Oh well, it was great when it lasted!

THEON - 6/10

HATED his ACoK chapters, LOVED the ones from ADwD. I know that writing him as a dick was crucial to making his further story more heartbreaking, but I generally can’t enjoy vulgarity, objectifying women, describing characters having sex for 15 pages etc. That’s why I hate many Tyrion’s chapters, and that’s why Theon’s POV annoyed me at first. But damn, his inner struggle, his identity crisis, going back and forth from Reek to Theon...  10/10. 

DAVOS - 6/10

Ah, good uncle Davos! I don’t know why I’m not rating him a bit higher, I do enjoy his chapters, especially because it’s through him that we learn more about Stannis and Melisandre in the earlier books. But... he’s such a boring character! :D (I know, I will have to whip myself later for writing this, feel free to send me strongly worded letters, I deserve it.) Davos’s POV works great as an exposition, but I just cannot force myself to care about him personally. Good dude, though.

CERSEI - 9/10

My queen, one and only. I think ASoS might be my favourite book, and that’s mostly because of her chapters. She’s vindictive, egoistic, jealous, unreasonable... and irreplaceable! I enjoy her slightly mellowed-down, cool-headed show version (one of the very few things that the show did right), but gosh, book!Cersei’s weak-arse schemes might be the most wholesome piece of literature, honestly. And the fact that her paranoia isn’t unfounded, that some of her frustrations are totally justified - all that makes her a character rather easy to sympathise with. She might not have the most insightful POV, but it’s certainly the most entertaining one!

SAM - 7/10

He’s a good boy, and an attentive character - his chapters are enjoyable, but not yet exhilarating. Looking forward to more Oldtown business to reevaluate.

BRIENNE - 8/10

I’m not even going to explain myself, her journey was the most enjoyable side-quest I’ve ever witnessed. Some people don’t like her chapters, and honestly, that baffles me more than liking Tyrion’s ADwD POV. :D

BARRISTAN - 4/10

For a famous white cloak, he really felt like a non-character to me. His POV was a-okay, but to be perfectly honest I was constantly paging through his chapters to check whether maybe Dany came back.

VICTARION - 4/10

I’m not a Greyjoy-stan and I probably can’t appreciate the nuance of some Greyjoy POVs, but both Victarion and Aeron read kind of flat. Don’t hate me.

ARIANNE - 8/10

I still don’t get how she was omitted from the show. Maybe she doesn’t become the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, but so many pointless characters from the books got shitloads of screen-time, and my girl Arianne got none? Are you serious? Freaking BRONN became the Master of Coin, and they decided Arianne shouldn’t exist?! And yes, I love even the almost universally hated “The Princess in the Tower” chapter.

ASHA - 7/10

She’d be higher, but there’s a lot of vulgarity in her chapters, too, and I basically don’t care for that At All. Otherwise she’s a dope character and deserves the Iron Islands.

QUENTYN - 6/10

No offence to homie, but he was a bit of a bore. A nice one, but a bore.

AERON - 4/10

See: VICTARION. He’d get even less, but at least we could experience the Iron Islands through his POV.

AREO - 8/10

I don’t see how any Dornish POV (as in being IN Dorne, not being FROM Dorne like Quentyn) could get any less than 7 points. I still think we got too few Dornish POVs, I demand amends!

JONCON - 8/10

I don’t even care about the plot (although he was one of the only two insights into Aegon’s storyline, that should count for something), I can’t with the amount of gayness in his Rhaegar flashbacks. 8/10, would recommend. 

ARYS - 7/10

He was sweet, a bit naive, but I cannot go lower due to my Dorne principle (see: AREO).

MELISANDRE - 8/10

Surprisingly one of the most wholesome POVs of ADwD, pity it was just this one chapter. What with being a Red Priestess and all, you’d expect her to radiate more... numinous energy, but her chapter was one of the most iconic ones. I won’t give her a 9 just because I only have Ned and Cersei with those grades at the moment, and I think it should stay that way. (Oi, Ned/Cersei anyone?)

Prologues and epilogues not included.

What a trip. Care to share your favs? ;)

#asoiaf #got #game of thrones #pov characters #house stark #house lannister #dorne #having fun #rating chapters #i'm rereading the books #asoiaf women #women rule

[filmbuffsassemble]

The Avengers’ Journey (spoilers)

I just watched Endgame again yesterday and I think this time, it sank into me that we will never see the OG Avengers together again which is a greater loss than anything I can ever imagine.

Hawkeye

We first saw him in a short cameo in Thor and then he went on to be possessed by the Tesseract. I loved Hawkeye but he was not my favourite Avenger. He did went through a lot and he did so with mostly a bow and arrow. I look up to him because of his love for his family. He was willing to sacrifice everything in Vormir to get his family back and his friendship with Nat was his greatest redemption; he brought her back from her past violences and she brought him back from his present self. They were an iconic duo and they did not deserve to lose each other so soon after being reunited. Hawkeye may not have super strength or a suit of armour, but he still was every bit as heroic.

Bruce Banner/Hulk

Dr. Banner; a man at odds with who he is, who hated who he could become and eventually embraced it with finality. Bruce was always afraid of being Hulk, especially after the events of Age of Ultron. Until Infinity War, I’m fairly certain that he was scared of going rouge. Even though I was not a fan of Nat and Bruce romantic-wise, it must have been a solace that Bruce had Nat to bring him back to himself. He was the second brain of the Avengers, the peacekeeper (ironically) between them and his journey does not end here, we’ll see him soon.

Thor

I adore Thor, he’s one of the most complex characters in Avengers. Thor was the character who could be surrounded by a million people and still feel lonely. Family issues, girlfriend issues, he had them all until he lost everything. Thor is synonym with Loki despite their always-hurting-each-other-but-i-love-you-relationship. Thor was absolutely in depression in Endgame and who could blame him honestly. He’s the Avenger who lost his entire family; he literally has no blood by his side. It’s understandable why he spiralled and I think it was important for fans to see that instead of pretending he was fine. He went through the most emotional turmoil but was always trying to hide it. Even the strongest Avenger can only take so much. It will take some time for Thor to be back to his usual self but we can look forward to it.

Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow

The only female Avenger but with the heaviest emotional baggage. Nat does not get enough recognition that’s all I can say. She went through shit after shit but she’s ultimately the one who held the team together. She was the only one working her ass off 5 years after Infinity War and her breaking down was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve watched. She’s always been strong but her short reprieve showed us how much she truly cared for the only family she ever had. She’s always hated herself but she embraced it with the Avengers because they accepted her for who she was. Her relationship with Clint was also tear-jerkingly beautiful. He was there with her from the very beginning, from freaking BUDAPEST, all the way to her last moments. There are no words to describe their friendship. Clint’s children treated her like a second mom and we can only imagine how they will react when Clint delivered the news that their Aunt Nat will no longer meet them for lunch and teach them how to throw knives. Her friendship with Cap was also the best. When Clint was not around, Nat poured herself out to Cap and he to her. Nat told Cap “I’ll see you in a minute” but he never saw her again and he never got the chance to say goodbye. That alone was enough to get me sobbing. Nat has always been determined, she was never afraid of dying to bring everyone back and she ultimately crossed off her red ledger (she saved a billion people that’s more than enough) There are so many words to say about Nat, and this could go on for another 1000 words but ultimately she was selfless, she loved fully, and she will never be forgotten.

Steve Rogers/ Captain America

Cap might be my second favourite Avenger. He fought the Nazis, was frozen for years and never once did he stop fighting. He was the glue that held the Avengers together. I do think that his ending was perfect; he loved Peggy with all his heart. Their relationship was a staple in the MCU and it was only fitting that he spent the rest of his life with her. Cap was the definition of selfless, he was willing to die for Bucky in CATWS, he was there for Nat when she needed someone and he was the leader of the Avengers. He brought the group together; he was their morale, heart and soul. The bromance of Cap and Tony really struck me even though his best friends are of course Bucky and Sam. They were polar opposites, and were fighting tooth and nail almost all the time. Yet the trust they had for each other was breathtaking; they worked so well as a duo and when Cap cried at Tony’s death, it ruined me so much. I don’t think we can fully appreciate Cap’s existence in the MCU. He would forever be irreplaceable. He had the strongest principles, he was even willing to fight Thanos’s army if the rest of the Avengers had not arrived. It was only fitting that he wielded Mjolnir. Thank you Chris Evans, no one could ever play Captain America better than you did.

Tony Stark/ Iron Man

My one true love, the best Avenger, the saviour. Tony started of as a narcissistic, arrogant and sarcastic person. Then he became Iron Man and the rest was history. There’s always this thing called hero-complex that everyone supposed a superhero has but Tony was different. It was in his nature to save the world or he would be ridden with guilt and he would not be able to rest. No one could say that he’s selfish when he was the most fucking selfless person ever. He had nothing before Pepper and then he had everything; a wife, a daughter, a family. He lost his parents so early into his life and he finally earned his own family. But he knew the cost of joining the fight, yet he did so willingly. He could not live with himself if he did not join in the fray. That’s who Tony Stark was, plain and simple. He risked everything to save the world even though he was happy and finally content. When he saw Stephen Strange holding up his finger, he knew what he had to do and you could literally see him bracing himself for what was to come. And when he said “I am Iron Man”, that will go down in history. He suffered the most from Thanos, he had PTSD from the New York battle and it haunted him forever. Yet his love for his family which includes the Avengers triumphed over everything. His relationship with Pepper is something I will write about but for now just remember that his last words were “Hey Peps” and how he smiled right before dying when she assured him they were going to be fine. I was absolutely depressed when he died but him killing Thanos was the only ending I could imagine. RDJ started the MCU with Iron Man and he ended its biggest phase as well. He was my favourite movie character and looking at my username I have watched a lot of films. It felt like saying goodbye to a piece of me. I love you 3000 Tony Stark and RDJ.

The Avengers gave me so much; they formed my childhood and I will always go back to them for solace. It’s not just fiction, the culmination of 22 films and 11 years were a better part of my life and it provided me comfort in ways I could not imagine.

#avengers #hawkeye #clint barton #black widow #natasha romanoff #steve rogers #captain america #bruce banner #hulk #thor #tony stark #iron man #marvel mcu #mcu #endgame spoilers #orginal 6 #we love you 3000 #im in tears #endgame #clintasha #pepperony #romanogers #clint x natasha #pepper x tony #i love you 3000 #avengers assemble #avengers endgame

[heroicalling-a]

@maskedmuses​ asked:  “What am I to you?” From Ochaco to Izuku!

For a second, Izuku swore his heart just stopped in his chest at the sudden words. Startled wide eyes flew to the other’s, the fingers at his sides twitching slightly before fumbling together quickly, a form of distraction from the increasing thud, thud, thudding of his heart in his chest. It hadn’t taken long for his reaction, as he stood there; although he tried, with all his might, to act normal, his cheeks grew flushed and his mannerisms nervous, fingers twiddling with one another and eyes drifting away from his classmate.

“Um... what... what do you mean, Ochaco?” Where was this coming from? It seemed serious, to him- something Izuku wanted to take seriously. He’d never thought to ask- he’d always considered the other to be someone... special to him. Everything about Ochaco had been special to him, in a way he realized he likely hadn’t vocalized before.

And, in part, in a way that wasn’t just as a friend. All he could think about from the question wasn’t necessarily what Ochaco was to him now- but the possibility of what they could be. A brighter flush rose to his cheeks before he took a deep breath, hand scratching at the base of his neck.

“I’m... you mean a lot to me,” he tried, slowly, the words soft but firm. “You’re... one of the first friends I’ve ever had. You’re an incredible person who I look up to, you’re courageous, you’re strong, you’re kind- you’re... the kind of hero I would look up to.”

Is that sort of conversation sufficient? Sheepish emerald eyes trailed back to Ochaco, finding the courage despite the beating in his chest to try to make some attempt at eye contact.

“You mean a lot to me, you’re, uh... you’re a lot to me. You’re someone that I believe in, you’re someone that pushes me to get better everyday, you’re someone that I admire. You’re my closest friend. You’re irreplaceable to me.”

The words are slightly shaken in his own anxiety, but he casts a gentle smile her way, a way of his own to show he meant it. He opened his mouth a few more times- open, closed, open, closed- in an attempt to try to say something else, but the words in his brain couldn’t be untangled. Already, it felt messy to him- and he didn’t know if he could directly just tell Ochaco that he had a crush on her. Especially not when it was the first person he’d ever had a crush on- and one that, in his own mind, was so beyond out of his league and incredible that mentioning such would only end in heartbreak that ruined one of the most important relationships with someone he’d ever had in his life.

#izuku being as awkward as possible to say ochaco is to him like one of the biggest positive influences in his life u.u #izuku admitting to a crush out loud? unlikely lmao #i feel like izuku would be kind of a brick wall with anything crush/romantic related too lmao #i hope this is okay! i'll rewrite it no prob if not <3 #;;queued. #;;ic #;;midoriya.

[becauseyoucanandyouwill]

Dear 'you'

“I’ve learned that secrets make you sick. I’m learning how to be a voice and not a victim. I’ve learned that sex is natural. I’ve learned that love is necessary, heartbreak is unavoidable, and loneliness is brutal. I’ve learned the key to being happy is to tell your truth, and be okay without all the answers.”

I said this was the start of a story and that's true. The story need not be explained but for this:

Dear 'You',

You took a part of me away that was completely irreplaceable and you stole something so precious. You fought hard. You tried to show strength. You were scared. You were angry. You were weak. You fell down.

I lay in silence.

You took innocence. You took dignity. You took away part of my education. You took away my trust in people. You were hurtful. You caused pain. You left me scarred. You were small. You were lost. You were unloved.

I said nothing.

You took a part of my life that I will struggle to enjoy. You took relationships. You took away my voice. You took away some of my nightmares. You were emotional. You were tired. You were bored.

I got up.

You didn't get reported/arrested, you didn't need to. I lay in silence, I said nothing I got up. You were so much more ruined than I was ever going to be. But this is about you.

I feel sorry for you.

You don't have a loving family, you don't have emotional strength, you don't have hope, you don't have dreams, you don't even have a name worthwhile saying.

So to you out there good luck. Because me... Well that's just it - I came back stronger. I came back fighting

#strength #life story #lifestruggles #fighting #consent #hope #family #tough #self love #love #happy #emotional #rough #truth

[damshit]

I promised you a lot of things. I promised you that I wouldn’t hurt you intentionally, I promised you that I wouldn’t do this, and I wouldn’t do that. I promised you that I’d fight for you. Maybe I wanted you to fight a little harder for us, too. But that was already too much to ask, wasn’t it? Maybe I wanted you to hold onto my hand and give me a minute, to settle the war that was raging inside my head; to settle the chaos that was happening so abruptly.

You left. You left me to be alone with your thoughts that never seemed to leave your head nor were they translated into words. To think things through, to settle the war between your own mind and heart, and to decide whether what we had and I were still worth fighting for.

As I was left in all the ruins of us, I tried to pick up the pieces left in the rubble. I dug through the ashes of what used to be good, and figured things out on my own. I was so sure that I’d keep fighting for you. I was so sure that I was ready to give all the fight that was left in me, because that’s how much I loved you.

Then there were times that I wasn’t so sure anymore. At this moment, as I am writing this now, I don’t exactly know what it is that I am feeling. Was I honestly that terrible of a person? Was I not worth the love and the effort anymore? Has your patience really stretched as far as it could? Has your heart hardened that way because of my doing?

Maybe it was my madness that caused you to reach your end. I guess that’s just how a broken heart and a directionless mind makes you think and feel. It makes you cringe at yourself because of your mistakes, and because you thought you ruined something good, something beautiful, and something irreplaceable.

Thank you for being there for me and my family, during the toughest times. Thank you for being there for me when I couldn’t find a decent life, thank you for believing in me when almost nobody else did, myself included. Thank you for loving me when I was the least lovable person in the world, thank you for taking care of me the way that you have, after all this time, even if it means taking care of me first before you get to take care of yourself, and after you knew that it was breaking your heart, too.

I guess I deserve the heartbreak, I had it coming because I broke your heart while you were still with me and I couldn’t see that you weren’t happy anymore. I understand why you needed to break my heart, maybe because it was just fair, because it was the right thing to do.

I hugged you the tightest when you felt like you weren’t good enough, when you were so lost because your future looked so blurry and you couldn’t see a clear path towards your finish line. I assured you that I’d help you follow your dreams, because I said I’d follow them with you. I assured you that on the day that you get to finally reach your finish line, I will be the one standing there, waiting for you with open arms, ready to hug you and congratulate you for a job well done. I gave you hugs that felt like armor, because I know that no matter how strong you make everyone else think you are, inside you is still a child that needs comfort, protection, rest, and a child that needs love.

I saw the best in you when you thought that no else could, or at least that time when you called me and you were in tears because of something happened that really hurt you. I cried with you, too. You didn't know. I felt everything so deeply just like you did. When you got hurt, I did too. I reminded you that no matter what happens, I will always be proud of you and be there for you, and that you are so much more than what other people think you are.

I loved you with all that I could, and with all that I had. I took care of you and made sure everything was convenient for you. I’m sorry if that was never enough, or if it was always too much.

I’m not telling you everything that I did to get you to reconsider. I put it out here to serve as a reminder that I was good to you too.

I understood all the times that you pushed me away, even if it was hard for me to accept, I respected your decisions because I know I’m in no place to compete with your mind and your heart. I let you heal on your own. I’ve always thought that the intensity of our love for each other were far greater than any of our problems, than any of the trials and the difficulties along the way.

I’ve always thought that you were a fight that I would die for. You and what we had were worth fighting for, and so I did. I fought with all my strength and my might. No matter how tired I felt, how badly I wanted and needed to rest, I always got back up and fought again. I didn’t complain to anybody, I didn’t ask questions, because I understood that this is what it meant to be in love. This is what I needed to do to fight for what I really wanted.

One day along the way of the journey to get back to you, I realized that I might have already been defeated that there was nothing left for me to fight for anymore, that the war was over, and that I have lost.

This would be the part where I willfully accept my defeat. Good bye to you, to our memories, to our deepest darkest secrets, to our habits, and our usuals. I’m going to miss it with all of me. I guess this is how our story ends. I’ll find a way to forget about all the things that you left for me to remember, and I’ll try my hardest to make new memories of my own.

I can’t imagine the day that I will be completely okay again, but I’m wishing for it for myself. Someday I hope you forgive me for breaking your heart. On that same day, I hope I forgive myself, too.

So, thank you, for everything that we’ve been through. I wouldn’t be the me that I am now if it weren’t for you. Wherever life takes you, I hope it always makes sure that your heart is happy. Thank you for everything my love, and for the last time, I’m sorry and I love you.

[cooltheoriginalhigh]

you know how movies and books and hopeless romantics try to convince us that love prevails all and it could pass through all obstacles if its true and real and it can never be destroyed or disappear no matter what happens or how much time passes ?

its cute and so easy to believe. we want to believe it so bad, that there is love that is unconditional and immortal and it doesn't bend to any rules, almost like it's something magical. we are so desperate for it to be like that so we put it in quotes and poems and glamorise it, making it look like finding it should be your heart's main goal and purpose.

and it's a beautiful belief, but it's not true. relationships, people, it's all temporary. and it's fragile. it can't be true because it's conditional. you love someone to death as long as they can make you happy, you're ready to catch a bullet for them as long as they would do it for you. but when the balance trips over, you decide you give more than you take and that's not good for you and you leave. and just like that you're living without the person you thought you couldn't live without. and although it hurts for a while, you move on and then you give your heart out to someone else, but again - conditionally.

and true love never dies ? a lie. a beautiful one, but a lie. we pull away from someone and when we pull back after a while we think it was because true love always finds its way back, but it's not that. we just never pull away far enough. we pull back, but never too far to give the other person a taste of a life without us, never too long to get them used to our absence, never too much to ruin the illusion we're irreplaceable. and we lie to ourselves that it was true love that brought us back but it wasn't. it was the fear of change, the habit, the security that person brings, never the person. and we lie to ourselves, hiding the truth behind beautiful tales of true love, because we're scared of the it. because the truth is ugly, traitorous and opposite of everything we've ever been taught. because the truth is simple and so void of beauty and we can't handle the idea of love not being beautiful.

and i get it, im as hopeless of a romantic as they get - watching all the romcoms, reading all the fanfictions, rooting for love, but it's just that - fiction. it never works that way in reality and realising that was my first heartbreak. we're humans, we want to fix things, make them better, make them prettier - anything to shift our quite ugly reality and it's bitter, because it's beautiful but it's also tragic how it ends up hurting us in the process. we want love to be more - to be unconditional, to have no boundaries to be invincible. we want to be loved like that, but we can't love like that, because we're just humans. weak and flaky and conditional. we come to this earth alone and people come and go in our lives. yes, we love, we love so much and so hard sometimes, but it's not unconditional and irreplaceable, because we lose it and we move on. we keep breathing, we keep living, we keep loving. and it's not the perfect one- true- love- for- the- rest- of- your- life -and- beyond we see in books and movies, but i think it's still beautiful in its temporariness and conditionality, in it's imperfection. and all this time i thought i haven't experienced true love and felt bad for it, but now i know better - that it simply does not exist, at least not how it's portrayed. and that's ok and it's valid. and maybe our lives we'd be a tad bit easier and our relationships a tad bit less painful if we all just accepted it.

#late night thought #love #unconditionallove #true love #beautiful lie #thoughts about life #i really should be sleeping rn #5am #gn #i know no one's reading those but i am and thats valid

[rust-en-orde]

and in the name of love, she’s coming back.

although it’s fairly confusing to point out the only one thing that CL lacks to make her own breakthrough in the US impossible, because duh, she has everything upon her sleeve, I think we can come to a final conclusion that it’d be good management.

what else does a leader of 2NE1, one of the pioneers in K-pop whose influence and contribution could never be denied since 2009, conceivably not have, unless a company with at least a functional brain which will let their artists release a goddamn album? y’all tell me.

the fact she’s from YG Entertainment (the shittiest company in South Korea, fyi only tho, just in case you’re clueless) had been the prominent reason for all the widespread frustrations growing from both important parties in this case (CL and her loyal fandom, GZB) since 2015.

2015 was like the perfect timing for her grand entry to the US, wasn’t it? her swaggering single ‘Hello Bitches’ was getting massive recognition, the high anticipation from both the general public and GZBs was rising higher than ever. not to mention her extensive connection! the relationship with all peeps from another side of the world that she builds throughout the years was beneficially helping to spread her brand out as an all-around rookie singer who’s more than ready to pull off ‘CL paves the way for Asian artists debuting in the US’ card. 

and here’s the most ridiculous joke of the decade; instead of dropping a ton of remarkable albums which she has worked on either in South Korea or the US, all she could have was a longass hiatus after the release of her debut single ‘Lifted’ (which I always think as a mere warm-up song lol) in 2016.

can y’all imagine that?

she’s a top-notch performer. her number one mission has always been to stun everyone the moment she’s stepping on stage. she was one of two artists that being asked to represent South Korea at the 2018 Pyeongchang Olympic closing ceremony and she ate the whole stadion alive.

imagine being none but a literal idiot for wasting her unmatched talents, her golden age, her unstoppable stage presence? I simply can’t be one because nah that certain level of stupidity is beyond my ability.

another painful story is, as many as GZBs who decided to faithfully stay and wait for her music, there was also a large number of them who heavily chose to leave. if you’re starting to wonder who to blame, whose fault is it? well, to be frankly honest, no one (it’s YG Entertainment’s fault tho but I had enough talking about that garbage so).

let me break the situation down for you.

she couldn’t release any song she have produced by herself, she’s basically getting locked up. the desperation was painfully too much to be borne, both for herself and GZBs. dozens of new groups get to debut every year. they’re fresh and young, they have a dozen of chances to promote their songs frequently, to showcase their capabilities. and how’s CL doing? what exactly has she been up to? not even one single fleeting glimpse existed. GZBs were left by confusion, were hanging by only futile hope to listen to her new album which seemed wouldn’t be getting released anytime soon. inevitably, some chose to leave yet the rest wanted to stay. they, whose commendable persistence, truly did.

when the news of her departure from that sexist company broke out in November 2019, following the announcement of the ‘IN THE NAME OF LOVE’ release (in less than a month since she left that broke agency, a glo up I aspire to have tbh) there was a huge relief within me. yes, solely a relief.

there was no scene of weeping a bucket of tears, or more extreme, an agonizingly painful blow within my chest, just like when they announced 2NE1’s disbandment three years ago. picture that as a twinge of irony, because it felt like years ago since the last time I could be just free of worry towards any news coming from K-pop artists I love (and in general tho tbh, 2019 is not definitely the best year of K-pop). that time, I couldn’t resist to pat my head and, if I may add, to give myself the highest praise for making a good decision. yes, hon, once in a lifetime. hashtag I’m indecisive and I knew it.

“smart of you to not ever forget her, to never have any slightest thought for leaving the fandom, to simply stay,” I told myself.

‘IN THE NAME OF LOVE’, a meaningful gift for her friends and GZBs. but above all, a thoughtful letter written by herself to herself which for the most part saying that it’s always okay to start all over again.

it’s an extended play (EP) that contains six songs in total and every two tracks will be dropped in one week. she just released the first two songs, +DONE161201+ and +REWIND170205+, and the responses are nothing but hearty applause. oh anyway, the numbers in each song correspond with the date when the songs were written, as if it’s a kind of diary that depicted her feelings over that time.

in spite of the fact that it’s written 3 years ago, ‘Done’ is an enjoyable and super catchy bop. it’s like a peaceful break-up anthem, something that you can claim as rare topic because recent break-up songs outhere are mostly about the wounded pain and sleepless nights (SHOUTOUT TO AKMU’S HOW CAN I LOVE THE HEARTBREAK WHEN YOU’RE THE ONE I LOVE they can have all the waters from my eyes I truly don’t mind). the lyrics are very straight-forward (which I appreciate the most) and somehow I can’t help but squeezing out some memories from my teenager days by listening to it religiously.

“don’t hit me up

don’t show up on me

the one who left me

baby boy, that was you

please don’t hit me up

don’t call me

I told you that you would regret this, you fool”

2NE1 was widely known for their empowering songs back then, remember? you are allowed to have a sort of vague or even a clear-cut distaste towards the songs they made in their peak of career, but you definitely can’t disregard the truth that they’re effin good at conveying “you broke up with me so you better get your ass out and never come back to me and say you regret everything because duh boy adios” message. been a devoted Blackjack (2NE1’s fandom name) since 2010, it’s just really delightful for me to finally hear their distinctive sound again in newer production provided by the leader. if any of you are in desperate need of a clean break-up jam, Done is a decent choice. btw my personal favorite part of the song is:

“tears I shed for you is my last gift for you

what’s done is done”

(IT’S WAY TOO RELATEABLE I,,)

moving on to the second track, ‘Rewind’ aka a song that turned me into a miserable mess the first second I listened to it. I’m not a genius in music and its magical pieces of stuff but it doesn’t take a genius either to understand the meaning of this song is THAT deep.

“where did we go wrong? I don’t know

it’s too late to say goodbye

let’s try solving this unpromising puzzle

you don’t wanna let me go, me neither

the curtain between us

open it up and let’s rewind”

I think she’s like talking to herself. she’s questioning why everything is falling apart, why things aren’t right in the first place. then after dealing with not-so-momentary confusion and hesitation, she came up with a decision that she only had to go back to the beginning and start over. and it may not be the easiest thing to be done, but even so it’s not a serious problem because she knows that she’s more than capable of proving herself, that she’s never alone along every step in another big journey ahead of her. I’d say ‘Rewind’ is a very encouraging song, it feels so uplifting to be heard on your heavy days.

also, the music videos for both songs are quite personal and emotionally soul-stirring. she produced the video by herself hence you can easily notice the simplicity and creativity she carried on there. one thing that ought to be highlighted is the people who were shown in the music videos. they are her closest friends slash constant supports which are playing an irreplaceable part in her life, especially when times were rough for her with all US debut preparation and everything. on a lighter note, I’m profoundly thankful to know she’s never alone while facing all hardships she got to encounter, that she’d never be obligated to dissemble her feelings because she’s surrounded by her own people who are always all ears for her.

to sum everything up, ‘IN THE NAME OF LOVE’ is a heartwarming start.

it’s not the main release for her high-anticipated return to the music scene, but instead, it brings a long-awaited comfort to the table as if she’s saying “hey fam guess what? I’m still here, I won’t ever give up, let’s do it now” to GZBs. her previous agency had done nothing but ruined her chances to make everything big on time and as now she’s no longer prisoned (I sound so bitter ok I know), I simply can’t wait to see what she got in store and am beyond ready to give my utmost support for a ton of albums she will be releasing from now on.

4 years filled only with the long stretches of waiting have passed, and that, surely not in a blink of an eye. but somehow, she made it. so did GZBs.

welcome back, CL. been long time, hasn’t it?

[missrosienorris]

Grief Blog II

It’s been a little over a month since younger cat died, and I think it’s fair to say neither I nor older cat are coping particularly well. Older cat is lonely and mopey and has developed a constipation problem that has warranted two vet visits, be it from the stress of losing his companion or from the lesser amount of exercise he gets when he doesn’t have another cat to run around with. I’ve increased his playtime, re-vamped his diet to contain more fiber and fluid and started him on appropriate constipation meds as per vet’s orders and am hoping that’ll normalize the situation, but it has been immensely stressful especially since he hasn’t been that lucky in the health department otherwise either (he has a mild heart defect that luckily doesn’t seem to do much, asthma and epilepsy that are currently fully asymptomatic thanks to proper medication and as he’s grown older, his kidneys aren’t top notch either, although so far they don’t require medication or a kidney diet, he just drinks more). And for me, it obviously raises a lot of self doubt and blame that my babies don’t stay healthy (or even alive, in younger cat’s case), although rationally I know it’s not my fault since I really do take extremely good care of my cats. It’s just poor luck I guess, but I can’t help but feel like someone is fucking with me even though I don’t even believe in a god or karma or anything supernatural like that.

So anyway, this situation has made my anxiety disorder spiral a bit out of control, especially since health concerns and fear of death is the way my particular disorder generally manifests itself. These fears have now become increasingly prevalent and obsessive and keep me in a state of anxiety for a good part of my waking hours, and I don’t sleep very well either. It’s still not technically hypochondria, since I’m not actually convinced that I’m ill and if a doctor rules a particular symptom harmless I believe them, the problem is that every tiny thing that’s a little “off” about my body immediately awakens a crippling fear of illness and death that usually I typically can’t resolve on my own. It’s exhausting and embarrassing and I’m trying my best to find a qualified therapist for it, since the doctor already upped my antidepressants and ordered me a week of sick leave and I really don’t feel good about that, since I really like my job and I want to work, life just keeps ruining it for me. I also need the money, younger cat’s care cost a fortune even though she didn’t make it and older cat’s care has been rather expensive too. Also, you know, rent and shit, but honestly vets bills are way more.

Then of course comes the same problem I ran into last time I lost a cat: older cat is lonely and bored. I do what I can, but a cat needs another cat, especially when he’s used to not being the only cat in the household. And I’m also used to having multiple cats, so there is sort of a “love void” here for both him and me, particularly since younger cat was an extremely friendly and loving cat toward both of us. She is of course irreplaceable and the hole she left will have to heal in time on its own, but the love void, the lack of cat companionship in the home, that is technically fillable. I say technically, because to me, getting new cats is not an uncomplicated spur of the moment thing in practice. It could be if I wanted to, you can get a cat for basically nothing just by asking around a little, but that’s not what I want. My criteria for myself are rather strict, which I think they should be when you’re adopting another life. So even though I feel kind of shit for older cat because he clearly needs companionship, I have set some rules:

Firstly, I need to find a therapist and get started on that. Even though I am very loving and have cared for multiple cats before, right now I’m grieving and my mind is in turmoil, and I need to make sure that is being treated before taking on new babies.

Secondly, I need to see to it that the vet bills I have now are paid off and set aside a chunk of my salary for unexpected vet expenses. You never know when new cats arrive in a household, the new environment can trigger a dormant flu virus or cause stomach upset. Older cat’s stomach should also be in working order first. And I need to visit the insurance company to make sure I get the newbies insured, I’ve learned my lesson there.

And newbies indeed, as I’ve settled on two rather than one, for which there are multiple reasons. Firstly, older cat will be turning 10 this year. A cat can, of course, live for double that, but he is a senior and it’s impossible to know for how long he will lighten up my life with his presence. And when it’s his time, I would very much like for the remaining cat not to be alone like he is now. Secondly, I would like for the cat I adopt to be quite young so that I can hopefully offer it a long and happy life and avoid the heartbreak of multiple cats leaving this world in the coming years, and partially also because older cat has an easier time accepting youngsters into the family than older ones. But since older cat is elderly, he can’t quite keep up with a young kitty, so in order to avoid stressing him out and the younger one getting bored, I feel like it would be better to have two little ones who can play with each other if older cat is feeling tired or grumpy. This of course requires more money and more dedication, so that is another reason to follow rules one and two first.

My last rule is that I’ve decided to adopt from a shelter this time. I never have before because I felt a bit intimidated by the screening and contracts, but I’ve looked into it and the requirements really are quite reasonable. Besides, shelter cats are spayed, chipped and vaccinated and often even checked for FeLV and FIV, which you just don’t get elsewhere unless you’re going for a purebred cat, and that’s just not my thing as I’m not a huge fan of breeding. I just want to do something good this time, so shelter it is. Shelter cats are well within my price range as well, honestly I even think they sell them a bit cheap, but I guess people don’t buy them otherwise when some people just give kittens away for free. It’s quite sad really, cats are such underappreciated animals. Anyway, I’ll probably end up adopting two 6 months to a year old girls from the same litter, after I get myself sorted (girls because despite my rather fussy vigilance I fear urinary tract problems, as they are so common in cats and so potentially dangerous if the cats are boys). I don’t know how long sorting myself will take. Maybe I’ll bounce back in a month. Maybe it’ll take longer than that. It all depends on how my grief develops, how good a therapist I find, how much money I can put aside and of course older cat’s health. I think of him first and foremost. (Which my grandma says is the wrong way around, which okay, she could be right about, but he’s my baby and I love him unconditionally, while loving myself is a ton harder because I sort of suck. But I should probably work on that.)

So, that’s me at the moment. This year has really not started well for me. Maybe I’ll make sense of it eventually.

#grief #cats #depression #anxiety

[bleekheroine]

excuse this,ignore this, crumple this up and throw it in the garbage if u want.

i dont know. i guess i miss when i was in love with you and i thought i actually had a chance. and i guess im still in love. i know im still in love. and the small little heartbreaks i would get months ago dont even compare to this one.i guess i never realized, without u, how lonely i would feel - or how lonely i would be. i knew you were my everything but i guess i didnt have the proof just yet, but now i do. i know what its like to have you within reach and to not even be on speaking level. and man this time i really fucked things up. for you, and for me. and for everyone. i never thought thinking about someone could keep me up at night. i never thought hurting someone would hurt me this much, i never thought i would feel this much disappointment within myself, and ouch. i never thought i could love someone this much.

this all just hurts so much, and like i said, im lost. i told you i would be. everything just kills me. how did i let myself lose you like this. how did i let it happen. i hate myself so much for just letting you slip away from me. but how do i confront someone without breaking down and embarrassing myself. how do i have an excuse for something i truly cant explain. how do i get past this part because im so fucking stuck here and its hard to breathe without feeling guilty. im just so lost. im so done being me. 

i wish i could just get out of this situation. i wish this was all just a bad nightmare and i wake up and suddenly i have a second chance. i dont like these friends. i dont like this lover. i dont know them, and they have no fucking clue who i am. i am not open and its not the same. and it never will be, because when i said youre irreplaceable, i truly meant that. none of them feel like the home i once had, theyre all strangers. and im the one who crashed the car into my home. im the one who did the damage. and i hate myself so much for ruining something so blissful.

on the subject of feeling replaced, i know i was being replaced. i didnt know what to do, i was so panicked. i didnt want that, i didnt want any of it. i hate myself for thinking of the next action rather than to stop and try to fix it. i hate myself for thinking i always have to do something rather than take a second and ask. im sorry i made it seem like i replaced you but in reality im fucking miserable. im at my lowest low. im miserable and its all my fault. 

ive been in love before but it was nothing like this. ive never been able to look at a person and only ever see the positive. ive never been able to easily feel so jealous. ive never been able to wanna think about one person from the second i woke up to the second i fell asleep and still dream about them constantly. 

the dreams hurt the most. because they feel real, and its always like everything is okay. and i hate it when im heartbroken the second i wake up because i realize that nothing has changed, and my once home is now a house still. and knowing if ill ever get the house keys again just haunts me. knowing if ill ever get a second chance kills me, if i even deserve one. 

i dont deserve anything good and this is just proof. this is the proof i needed to prove that i truly am disgusting and disruptive. im destructive. my paradise is an illusion. i dont know where i am anymore, im lost. im lost. 

im sorry, i still love you. i never stopped. im sorry. 

#deadass #kill me #please #just #shoot me #oof

[myinfinitebeginnings-blog]

Nostalgic for who I once was

Do you ever look back on who you used to be or what you used to look like and wish you could be that person again?  When you were that person, you felt flawed at the time, but time and experience hardened you or changed your appearance and you look back and realize how wonderful you were then compared to who you are now.  I used to think I was inexperienced and boring compared to everyone else in high school, but I also had an air of fearlessness.  I knew my worth and nobody could make me question it, not even in my weakest moments.  For instance, I had my doubts about my weight, but if anyone called me fat, I would try to fight them, because they were wrong.  I was never afraid of walking away from a guy because I knew that I was an amazing woman to be with and that if some guy couldn’t see that, it was his loss. It was so easy for me to move on. I didn’t feel true heartbreak.  I would get sad for a minute and then be over it, and moved on to the next big thing in no time at all.  I miss that strength that I used to have.  Maybe I hadn’t felt real love yet and that’s why it was so easy, but I’d like to think it was because I loved myself, even when I didn’t see it.

I always thought I would never get married growing up, because I never felt like I needed anyone but me.  Deep down I think I was just afraid to get too attached and get hurt, but who knows. I had finally found someone that I felt I truly could not live without.  The thought of never seeing him again killed me from the inside out and made me physically ill.  I still clung to my attitude of “I don’t need a man”, but deep down I knew I was going to marry him.  He made me laugh when I felt like crying.  He held me and calmed me as I lost children, the pain of which I had never known could be so excruciating.  He promised me he would never leave me, and I didn’t know it at the time, but that was what I needed all along.  I needed someone to stay.  I needed someone to see me for the irreplaceable woman I had always told myself I was but could never prove it.  I needed to lose myself in someone else.  Slowly, that’s where our relationship went.  We had amazing times that were unforgettable.  We also had tragic times that were life-altering.  Gradually, I became more and more comfortable with myself while I was with him.  I let him see pieces of me that nobody else had ever seen.  I had shown him the truest form of myself.  I married him, thinking that this was it.  We were going to be together forever and nothing could stop us.  We were meant to be together.  

After we were married, things slowly started to change.  People had always told me that marriage was hard and I didn’t really understand that because it felt so easy to be with him.  Marriage was a giddy never-ending sleepover for a time.  We had fun and we enjoyed each other’s company.  We tried like hell to build a family.  We made plans for how our life would be and we told each other everything.  When I got pregnant for the fourth time, we were hesitant to be excited after losing three babies already but we couldn’t really help it.  A baby was a plan that we just couldn’t give up on.  I had gotten to the point where I wanted to give up after the third miscarriage.  I felt like I just couldn’t take anymore loss and he told me everything would be okay. He told me that I was meant to be a mom and he couldn’t imagine ever trying to have a baby or a family with anyone else.  He promised me everything would work out that he would never give up, so neither did I. We tried again and finally this little miracle baby made it past the first trimester and we were safe.  

At this point, I finally felt like life was coming together in the best way possible.  I was married to this amazing man that loved me more than anyone ever had, and I was bringing this wonderful little baby into the world. Nothing could have made it better. And it all went downhill from there.

I don’t know what happened, even to this day.  It was like a switch flipped in him and he suddenly didn’t care about me anymore. He wouldn’t come near me.  Most of the time, he was ignoring me on his phone or just not present at all.  He started to say horrible things to me.  When I tried to talk to him about feeling like he was distant, he would snap at me. He had become alarming close to a girl from work and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t understand why he was turning to this woman.  I was finally giving him a baby and he was turning his back on me, acting like I didn’t exist.  This was all we talked about and tried for years to achieve.  This should have been wonderful.  We should have been closer than ever, not falling apart.  I begged him to stop talking to her, but he would just yell at me and tell me that I didn’t get to decide who his friends were. He even brought his mother into it for backup.  He said if he let me keep from being friends with someone now, who was to say I wouldn’t keep doing it.  He made me out to be a crazy person.  The more he distanced himself from me, the crazier I became.  He would disappear for hours at night to his “friend’s” house to play video games.  I tried so hard to get his attention again and he just looked right through me.  I was a ghost, a nobody.  I was just a walking incubator for his child and he could care less if I fell off the face of the planet.  Anytime I tried to talk to him about anything anymore he would snap. One night he put his fist through my folding table because he got so angry at me.  

After I had my son, he told me he would be there for us and that he would stop disappearing to his friend’s house to play video games and he would be a dad to our son.  That didn’t happen.  Even though I knew he was overly close with this woman from work and it made me uncomfortable, he brought her to visit my son in the hospital when he was born. He wasn’t even a full day old and she was there holding my precious child in front of me, while she sat beside my husband on the hospital room couch.  I will never forget the way they looked, sitting there like a little family while I was in the hospital bed.  I should have known and that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  They both had already made plans to take my baby and move on as though I never existed and I just was too stupid and scared to admit it. That day was a defining day in my life, and sadly it is not because it was the day my son was born.  It is because it is the day that will always be fried in my brain as the day I brought my son into another family.  It was the day I was robbed of myself, my son, my husband and ultimately, my family.  

I finally found proof of his cheating on me with that woman from work five months later.  All the while, I lost more and more of myself while he did what he wanted behind my back.  My son is going to be two years old next week and his father is still with that woman from work.  They both have spent the last couple years conspiring to hurt me in whatever ways they can, whenever they get the chance.  We obviously divorced after I found out for certain that he was cheating. I didn’t handle any of it very well. I still have a hard time to this day. Although I have moved on from loving him, because I had to finally open my eyes and see that he was never going to be the man that I fell in love with ever again.  The hard part now isn’t being separated from him.  I’m not in love with him, regardless of what people assume.  The problem is that I was so easily tossed aside and replaced, not Justas a wife, but as a mother in what was supposed to be my family.  Aside from the many issues I have with myself now, I can’t get over the fact that despite the horrible things they did to me, they still get to raise my son.  There were no consequences for their actions.  They felt no remorse for destroying a family and breaking me down.

I’m pregnant with another man’s child and I love him as much as is possible, but I have so many issues with myself that I don’t get to be that woman I once was.  I doubt my worth regularly.  I keep waiting for him to leave me, like my ex-husband did.  I keep waiting for him to find someone else.  I have a hard time talking to him when I’m upset, because I don’t want him to leave me.  I have become so afraid of being heartbroken again that I can’t let myself be comfortable.  I want to feel the way I was once did so badly, but I can’t.  If I do, I could get hurt again, and I just wouldn’t survive that. I look back on how I felt then and it hurts me all over again, as though it just happened yesterday.  It has crippled me emotionally.  I carry the weight of that pain with me everywhere I go. I wonder if I’ll ever be whole again. It’s been almost 2 years and I have been with my current boyfriend for almost a year and I still can’t stop hurting. I have tried hard to work through it in counseling and have talked about it every which way I can.  I thought getting it all off my chest would give me a chance to let go, but when they are constantly forcing their relationship down my throat, I can’t breathe let alone let go.  I keep having recurring nightmares that they are going to show up to the hospital when my daughter is born and take her from me too.  Every day I ask myself what I did to deserve everything they did and I have no answer.  How am I supposed to fix whatever went wrong or keep it from happening again if I still don’t know what happened?  For all I know, I’m going to ruin what I have now with a man who finally loves me back for the same reason I ruined my marriage.  

Sometimes, things will happen and I will panic because it feels like it’s happening again.  Maybe being pregnant is what makes guys run from me. I don’t know if it’s in my head or if it’s real but I feel like since I have been pregnant again, my boyfriend is becoming distant with me.  He would rather play games on his phone than talk to me.  He doesn’t look at me the way he did before.  Before, I felt like he couldn’t stop looking at me or touching me, like I was this beautiful creature.  He would smile at me and his whole face would light up.  We couldn’t even get through a whole tv show or movie without having sex.  Now, he barely touches me.  I know that’s partly my fault because I haven’t had the time or energy to dress up or put makeup on.  Hell, I barely leave my apartment.  I wouldn’t find me attractive either.   I don’t really know how to fix it.  I thought maybe it was because he has a busy work and school schedule and he is just tired, but I don’t know.  Maybe he just has a girlfriend that isn’t worth looking at anymore because she is getting fat and doesn’t shave her legs as often as she should.  Maybe I don’t deserve him looking at me like I’m something special because I’m not special at all.  I guess it’s better than having him lie to me and tell me I’m beautiful when I’m not.  

I wish I could be that fearless, confident woman I was before my heart was broken in the worst way.  I wish I could just pretend I don’t care that he doesn’t want me the way he used to.  I wish I could let go of all the hurt and not worry about what horrible thing comes next.  I wish more than anything I could feel good about myself again.  I wish that someone would love me the way I love them and never stop, but I’m not worth it and I don’t believe in miracles anymore.

[thekayemalitig]

The Goodbye I Never Said

Can I ask you something?

Did you ever regret choosing me? Did you ever regret loving me? Did you ever regret giving me your heart? Did I ever make you feel like I didn’t love you, like I didn’t care for you? Did you feel glad that I was gone? Did you feel happy when I started to stray away from you?

Were you ever waiting for my texts or my calls when you decided to be alone? Did you ever think about texting or calling me just to check on me, on how I was doing? Did you talk to anyone about me? Did you ever think that I was a waste of time? Was I ever a waste of effort, of love, of patience?

You notice how these are all questions? Because I never got any answers. I’m probably never going to send you this. I know I should, but I also know that I can’t. I promised you a lot of things. I promised you that I wouldn’t hurt you intentionally, I promised you that I wouldn’t do this, and I wouldn’t do that. I promised you that I’d fight for you. Maybe I wanted you to fight a little harder for us, too – but that was already too much to ask, wasn’t it? Maybe I wanted you to hold onto my hand and give me a minute, to settle the war that was raging inside my head; to settle the chaos that was happening so abruptly.

You left. You left me to be alone – with your thoughts that never seemed to leave your head nor were they translated into words. To think things through, to settle the war between your own mind and heart, and to decide whether what we had and I were still worth fighting for.

As I was left in all the ruins of us, I tried to pick up the pieces left in the rubble. I dug through the ashes of what used to be good, and figured things out on my own. I was so sure that I’d keep fighting for you; I was so sure that I was ready to give all the fight that was left in me, because that’s how much I loved you.

Then there were times that I wasn’t so sure anymore. At this moment, as I am writing this now, I don’t exactly know what it is that I am feeling. Was I honestly that terrible of a person? Was I not worth the love and the effort anymore? Has your patience really stretched as far as it could? Has your heart hardened that way because of my doing?

Maybe it really was my fault. Maybe it was my madness that caused you to reach your end. I guess that’s just how a broken heart and a directionless mind makes you think and feel. It makes you cringe at yourself because of your mistakes, and because you thought you ruined something good, something beautiful, and something irreplaceable.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m going to thank you for the broken heart, but thank you for the lessons nonetheless. Thank you for reminding me of how strong I am. I was able to get up in the morning, and go about the day as if everything were normal – as if I was having a normal day – just without you in it. It seemed like the hardest thing to do at first but I did it anyway. I did it for me.

Thank you for being there for me and my family, during the toughest times. thank you for believing in me when almost nobody else did, myself included. Thank you for loving me when I was the least lovable person in the world, thank you for taking care of me the way that you have – after all this time – even if it means taking care of me first before you get to take care of yourself, and after you knew that it was breaking your heart, too.

I guess I deserve the heartbreak, I had it coming – because I broke your heart while you were still with me and I couldn’t see that you weren’t happy anymore. I understand why you needed to break my heart, maybe because it was just fair, because it was the right thing to do.

I hugged you the tightest when you felt like you weren’t good enough, when you were so lost because your future looked so blurry and you couldn’t see a clear path towards your finish line. I assured you that I’d help you follow your dreams, because I said I’d follow them with you. I assured you that on the day that you get to finally reach your finish line, I will be the one standing there, waiting for you with open arms, ready to hug you and congratulate you for a job well done. I gave you hugs that felt like armor, because I know that no matter how strong you make everyone else think you are, inside you is still a child that needs comfort, protection, rest, and a child that needs love.

I saw the best in you when you thought that no else could, or at least that time when you called me and you were in tears because of something that your dad said that really hurt you. I cried with you, too. I felt everything so deeply just like you did. When you got hurt, I did too. I reminded you that no matter what happens, I will always be proud of you and your magic, and that you are so much more than what other people think you are.

I loved you with all that I could, and with all that I had. I took care of you and made sure everything was convenient for you. I’m sorry if that was never enough, or if it was always too much. I’m not telling you everything that I did to get you to reconsider. I put it out here to serve as a reminder that I was good to you too.

I understood all the times that you pushed me away, even if it was hard for me to accept, I respected your decisions because I know I’m in no place to compete with your mind and your heart. I let you heal on your own. I’ve always thought that the intensity of our love for each other were far greater than any of our problems, than any of the trials and the difficulties along the way.

I’ve always thought that you were a fight that I would die for. You and what we had were worth fighting for, and so I did. I fought – with all my strength and my might. No matter how tired I felt, how badly I wanted and needed to rest, I always got back up and fought again. I didn’t complain to anybody, I didn’t ask questions, because I understood that this is what it meant to be in love. This is what I needed to do to fight for what I really wanted.

One day along the way of the journey to get back to you, I realized that I might have already been defeated; that there was nothing left for me to fight for anymore, that the war was over, and that I have lost.

This would be the part where I willfully accept my defeat. Good bye to you, to our memories, to our deepest darkest secrets, to our habits, and our usuals. I’m going to miss it with all of me. I guess this is how our story ends. I’ll find a way to forget about all the things that you left for me to remember, and I’ll try my hardest to make new memories of my own.

I can’t imagine the day that I will be completely okay again, but I’m wishing for it – for myself. Someday I’ll forgive you for breaking my heart, and I hope you forgive me for breaking yours. On that same day, I hope I forgive myself, too.

So, thank you, for everything that we’ve been through. I wouldn’t be the me that I am now if it weren’t for you. Wherever life takes you, I hope it always makes sure that your heart is happy. Thank you for everything my love, and for the last time, I’m sorry and I love you.