#something they said because they thought it was clever or whatever and then theyll just like stop after that thing they said and im just

[anonymously-complicated]

"Together forever against life as we know it" -grandma

Growing up this saying was programmed in me pretty early. I dont know where my grandma heard it, maybe family before her, but it was our family mantra. I keep saying it a whole lot lately for encouragement to be strong for her. But it’s hard. You can say I’m just mad. Really really mad. At the world. I’m mad that the things that scare me the most are the things in which i cannot change. Things i can not protect my family from. I’m mad at cancer. I never thought something like this would happen to someone so close to me. And i get it now. I get why people line up and recognize this disease. I understand they too are just mad and wanna talk about it. I guess I’m more mad because i know in my heart that there’s a cure for this shit. Yeah I’m one of those “conspiracy philosophers”. I always said under the white house somewhere in all those tunnels is a cure for everything. But at the same hand i say i dont believe in science completely and they could be wrong. And I’m not in denial i just truly believe that. I believe our bodies are all so different to the point where sometimes the same image is different on our insides. I believe our bodies fight differently and alot of that comes from our spiritual connection with our self. What i mean is if u wanna get better, i think alot of the time you will because ur spirit is built to accept only that. Yeah I’m one of those people too. When i first heard the news i felt ambushed. Like what was i gonna say to this thing i cant fix? What was i gonna say to my mom who had clearly been ballin? So i just asked more about it. “Well, what stage? How are they approaching this? It could be something else. I’m calling grandma i love you.” After i hung up i thought it best not to pester my grandma and make her cry more. I was putting together my new bed frame and i just got up and it hit me. Hard. And the first emotion: anger. Anger so bad they call it rage. I wanted to own a bat just to smash all the windows in my new house. As if that’d help. I can’t fight cancer for her so lets self destruct. Clever one. After anger i just broke down. And instead of crying infront of my husband i walked in the kitchen. I wanted to be alone. And strong. Not cry and be vulnerable waiting to snap like that little twig u never seen until it was too late. I wanted to be invisible so i didnt feel pathetic. After i was done i went back into my room, finished my bed frame then made an excuse to leave, sushi was a good one. I left to go get sushi for me and egg rolls for my husband. He never asked. Never asked what was wrong, I’d say it was lack of care but i believe it was just the opposite i think he was scared of how id break and he knew i couldnt take that. I grabbed my dog and we left. On the way into town i said she could use some positivity because i already knew how everyone had taken it. So i called. When i spoke to her it seemed like the nurse or doctor who told her wasnt sure of herself and what she thought she’d found. However the next day when i went to visit and didnt show up puffy eyed like the rest of my aunts and mom they began to reassure me “ i dont know what she told you shey, but its bad.” My aunt chimes in with “ you know there’s only a 47 percent of survival” as she holds back her over dramatic tears. And i looked at her “ well Britt from what she told me theyre not sure what it is and she’ll find out monday.” They all looked at me like i was crazy. “ no shey theyll find out how far along she is. We all know what it is.” She was making me mad. Making a scene, and making it all about her as i look at gma who cant even walk. So i started with my theory “doctors dont know everything ok? We are all so different and science is not 100 percent.” She looked at me hopelessly. So i just walked away. What did they want from me? To walk in puffy eyed and show my grandma lack of strength? Lack of faith that she could do this whatever it was? No. Hell no. She had them for that. I needed to save face because im not the one who cant walk and crying as if im in as much pain was bull shit. As i drove my mom home she made sure to express to me the severity of all of this. And said “i rather think negative shey because everytime i think positive it bites me in the ass. So think positive if you want but everytime i do i end up heart broken.” Yeah i cried then. Like a baby. And it wasnt fair. Its unfair to cry because just imagine her pain. Its selfish. I’d trade places with my grandma. So i didn't have to go through this I’d trade places even though lately heaven has been something i questioned. Id trade places not knowing where I'd be after this so i knew shed be here and okay. I'd trade places even though it scares me. Im mad that a woman who dedicated her life to taking care of old people, who scrapped by in life because she paid everyones bills for them, a woman who just finally bought her house, a nurse, a woman who'd literally give you the shirt off her back was going through this. The irony. The twisted irony. Im just mad. And im scared of what is going to come of me if this doesn't go good. Because i know me. And i remember the feeling i had when my mom went into the mental institution. That no hope, numb, dead feeling. That angry feeling. I know what would come next and im scared. And i am so so mad. So i just keep telling myself together forever against life as we know it.