#something traumatic happened that changed my life check

[juniperskye]

Too Sweet.

Based on the following ask from @reidstheyfriend : Hotch x innocent/sunshine! Reader

I got this idea listening to Too Sweet by Hozier. I just immediately think of Hotch when listening to the song. I feel like Hotch would think he’s too broken or traumatized for reader because she’s so sweet and her heart is full of love and joy and that’s something he loves about her. He’s worried he would corrupt her and that she deserves better. So, most of the fic I would say it’s Hotch longing for reader but putting distance between them. Until he can no longer take it anymore. He needs her. He loves her.

I especially see the line where Hozier is talking about working late away from the phone and it makes her worry. I see reader calling/texting Hotch at late hours because she’s worried about him and he is too caught up in work to see her calls/texts.

Italics -text message

Hotch x innocent/sunshine! GN Reader

Angst/Fluff

Word count: 1206

REQUESTS ARE OPEN - not edited - please be kind. Requests are open and feedback is welcome if it's constructive!

Warnings: My blog is 18+, minors DNI, Aaron really doubting his worth, BAU canon typical violence, mention of Haley and Jack, reader has a sister, no use of y/n, no pronouns used for reader, pet names (honey, baby, sunshine) let me know if I missed any!!

That being said I do not own the characters portrayed in this story.

“Sunshine, you deserve so much more. I’m so sorry. I just, I want you to be with someone better, someone good.” Aaron said, his voice faltering.

“Aaron, wait. Let’s talk about this.”

Your heart broke at the sight of him. Aaron looked completely and utterly wrecked. You had a pretty good feeling that you knew his reasoning behind this conversation. Aaron had always called you his sunshine, he had said that you brought light into his life that had been long since dulled. You knew that Aaron had this fear of dulling your light, but you knew that wasn’t the case…you thought back to some of the things that had happened in the last few months that may have led Aaron here.

*Three Weeks Earlier*

Aaron had been working late, it had been a local case that was time sensitive. You knew this meant it was most likely a hostage situation or a child abduction, these cases didn’t offer a chance for the team to head home and sleep.

You had been keeping up with the case as much as the news and texts from Garcia would allow. You hadn’t heard from Aaron in a few hours, which wasn’t totally uncommon, however, Garcia had told you that the case had been solved and the team had been dismissed for the evening.

You figured he must be finishing up the reports and decided you send him a text before heading to bed for the night.

Hey baby, I know you’re working, I just wanted to text and let you know I am heading to bed. Jack wanted me to tell you he loved you when you got home, but I’m not sure when that’ll be. Honey, don’t work too hard…come home soon. I love you so much.

You hit send and set off to your room, after brushing your teeth, you slid into bed. After tossing and turning for a little bit, you hopped out of bed and moved to your dresser. You pulled out one of Aaron’s t-shirts and changed into it, adding a spray of his cologne. After taking a deep breath, your body immediately relaxed, and you climbed back into bed.

It was after three in the morning when Aaron came through the door. He made sure to be as quiet as possible as he moved through the apartment. He quickly checked in on Jack and then made his way to your room. His heart clenched as he saw you curled up in his shirt, clutching his pillow. He changed his clothes and brushed his teeth quickly before climbing into bed behind you, wrapping his arms around your middle. You shifted closer to him and he pressed a gentle kiss to your neck.

*Two Weeks Earlier*

Aaron had been home for about two hours and in that time, he’d greeted you, grabbed a whiskey and gone straight into his office. Things at the BAU had been extremely busy, this had been the first night Aaron had been home in three weeks. All you wanted was to have him by your side while you slept tonight.

“Aaron, honey, why don’t you come to bed? It’s nearly daylight.” You suggest.

“I, know sunshine, I’m sorry. I’m almost done!”

“Aaron…”

He looked up at you, finally noticing the exhaustion in your expression. He clicked his mouse a few more times, signed one last form, then got up. He made his way to you and wrapped his arm around you.

“Let’s get you to bed.” Aaron said as he placed a kiss to your temple.

Things had been like this more often than not, Aaron consistently working late, be it at home or the BAU. He’d be up until dawn, sipping his whiskey neat, going over paperwork. You’d fallen into this pattern where you’d be waking up in time to say goodnight to him. Knowing he’d have to get up pretty soon, you’d make his coffee, not that it took much, he drank it black. Aaron would get up, make his way to the kitchen, grab his coffee, and give you a kiss as thanks.

“Sunshine, you are as bright as the morning.” Aaron smiles.

“Honey...” You’d blush.

*Present Day*

“Sunshine, there’s nothing more to talk about. I’m not good for you. You have stayed up waiting for me, time and time again. You consistently have to go to bed without me, have dinner without me. I mean last month alone I missed three dates, two of Jack’s soccer games, and the Halloween party at your sister’s.” Aaron trailed on.

“Aaron, honey, it’s okay. It happens. The BAU is a busy job, you’re literally making the world a safer place.”

You could see the emotions flashing across Aaron’s face. The inner turmoil he was currently experiencing made you reach out to him, gently placing your hand on his cheek. He brought his hand up to cover your own, leaning into your touch.

“Sunshine I just want you to be happy. You should be with someone who has time to show you how wonderful you are, someone who doesn’t miss dates.”

“Aaron, don’t you get it? You have made me so incredibly happy in the time we have been together. I got into this relationship knowing full well that you would be extremely busy and that you might miss some things…but that doesn’t bother me. Honey you show me your love and appreciation every single day. You have my favorite flowers delivered once a week, that way I’ll always have fresh ones. You leave me sticky notes on the bathroom mirror with sweet notes, so I’ll have a good start to my day. You put my towel on the warmer so I can be extra cozy when I get out of the shower. You make me lunch each morning, so I don’t have to. This relationship is so much more than missed dates and waiting up honey. You are an honest, kind, loving man, Aaron you deserve to be loved.”

Tears were falling from both you and Aaron. You just wished that Aaron could see himself through your eyes. After things with Haley, he truly had never been the same, he feared that his love only brought destruction. It had taken months of dates and persuasion (from Dave) to get Aaron to ask you to be his. The longer Aaron had been with you, the more he thought that he didn’t deserve your love. You were the best person he knew; you could bring a smile to anyone’s face through your presence alone. He couldn’t let his darkness cloud your sunshine. And yet here you were, proving to him that he too had light, light that he had brought to you.

“I’m sorry sunshine. I just, I get in my head. You’re just so good.”

“Aaron it’s okay, as long as you don’t still plan on calling this quits.”

“I’m not going anywhere sunshine. I can’t promise I won’t doubt myself ever again, but I can promise that I am here for the long haul.” Aaron squeezed your hand gently.

“Well, that’s good because you are stuck with me.” You smiled.

“You’re too sweet for me.” Aaron said before leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to your lips.

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotch hotchner #hotch #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner x reader #ssa aaron hotchner #criminal minds #aaron x reader #hotch x reader #hotch x you #hotch x y/n #emily prentiss #penelope garcia #spencer reid #david rossi #derek morgan #jennifer jareau #criminal minds fandom #thomas gibson #jack hotchner #jessica brooks #haley brooks #haley hotchner #aaron hotch x you #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotch imagine #aaron hotch fluff #aaron hotch fic #aaron hotch fanfiction #aaron hotchner x you

[superdillin]

Gender! At the Strip Club

How Sex Work Transed my Gender

(but also it's far more complicated than that I just love a punchy headline)

It’s tricky to have a conversation about the realities of sex work in a world that sees things too profoundly in a binary. Admonishing certain realities of it may be misinterpreted as siding with TERF ideology but romanticizing it ignores the complicated intersection of labor exploitation and bodily autonomy inherent to the industry. Because I want to talk about an ultimately positive experience I took away from my time within the industry, I feel that it’s important to start by saying that when people say sex work is work, we mean that it is labor, and needs the support that all laborers need. The workers need organizing power, ownership of the fruits of their labor, and protection from their clients and employers.  

Recognizing the impacts of sex work on my life has been a delayed reaction because ultimately, it was a traumatic time of survival. I spent nearly a decade in Fight or Flight, with no time to analyze what I was experiencing while it was happening. I’m not even blaming the industry for that, because as problematic as it can be, poverty was the true villain, as insecure living situations, unstable work, and working multiple full-time jobs will keep your nervous system in overdrive 24/7. 

So years later, every so often, I find myself with a new lightbulb appearing cartoonishly over my head, drawing another connection from who I am and how I interact with the world today, and how said behavior ultimately originated in a place called Nite Moves, of all things. Some of those behaviors have resolved with time. How I interacted with all cis-men during those years and for a time afterward was undeniably disordered. I inherently distrusted every single one, yet felt like I needed them around at all times for a feeling of safety and security. I kept dangerous men in my life for no good reason. But that went away with time and therapy. Now I distrust cis-men an appropriate amount. (ba dum-tss)

Other things did not resolve with time. My ire for how club owners (often in tandem with security staff) exploit workers and prioritize clients and profits over the safety of dancers? That ire was justified, and all that’s changed now is that I know more about labor organizing, leftist politics and have more context in my belief system to explain why the system is wrong. The other thing that did not resolve is how it made me view myself on the gender spectrum. 

All sex work involves a bit of gender performance, but stripping as a whole is the most hard-line, binary-adjacent area of the industry I’ve dabbled in. Because everyone in the strip club is performing. The dancers are obvious, but if all a client wanted a hot woman to ogle, pornography is cheaper and easier to access. Cam girls can offer you a completely tailored and personalized experience. And no one is more discrete than a full-service worker. Part of why men go to strip clubs is to be perceived in a strip club by other men. It’s a whole gender ritual, even. Half of the men who get taken to these clubs on their birthday or bachelor party have told me in the privacy behind the curtain that they wished they had gone to play pool, camping, or whatever their friend group’s shared interest is. But outside the champagne room, they’re pinching asses,ordering bottle service and getting high-fives for how good they can play this role. 

So, on the converse side of this gender performance, strip clubs tend to encourage the most rigid portrayal of a culturally-accepted femininity, often to the point of a very bad homogenization. On that topic, the lack of racial and body diversity in strip clubs is something people with a better perspective have talked about before, including the Portland Strippers who recently unionized, and the Black Feminisms blog, check those out for more on that perspective. 

So getting ready to work at the average club is not a matter of dressing down and dolling up. You’re trying to fit a very rigid expression of femininity that, if I were a gambling man, would likely not line up with most of the dancers own personal definition of femininity. And the more “high-end” the club, the stricter and more rigid those rules. I’ve seen clubs have restrictions to what the owner thought were the “most feminine” nail polish colors. Hair length mandates. One manager inspected my midsection to make sure it “passed”; if it hadn’t I would be restricted to wearing corset-tops on the floor. 

But for me, it unlocked something personal that I did not expect. I’ve never felt particularly attached to femininity, even when I identified as a woman. Then, I began to appreciate the ritual of putting femininity on as a costume. Once I did, I instantly had an easier time enjoying it. In my subconscious it was clear that this was not me. It was a role, a gimmick I was playing at, and thereby I felt so comfortable indulging in it. The best part, though, was the other ritual at the end of each shift. Taking off the costume, and tucking it away. The blissful comfort I would feel in my own body for the several hours after a shift - no matter what happened that night, no matter how dreadful or dry - I would be reenergized. I literally got to put femininity on like a costume and then take it off again. 

I also found that it shed a light on something interesting about my relationship to girlhood, not just femininity. There are things about girlhood that have always resonated with me in a homey way, sleepover delirium and bar bathroom camaraderie, but those resonances don’t make me feel like any more of a woman. In the strip club, girlhood feels like having an army of girls meet you in the dressing room without you having to ask because they saw how ‘that guy’ was acting, throwing a separate funeral for your friend because none of you would be allowed in at the real one, boycotting a patron who hurt one of you because security refuses to boot him.

I am not a woman. I am trauma-bonded to girlhood from my time spent in the trenches with it. 

I am not a woman. I am whatever is left is left when society’s vision of femininity is shed and packed away.

I am not a woman. But I play a pretty good one when I need to.

#gender #lgbt #trans

[runningmunson]

My Fierce Lady - Part 2

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x Female!Reader Word Count: 1.7k Summary: After the events of your attack, you felt helpless. You asked Aemond to teach you to fight so you can gain some control back into your life and finally feel brave. Part 2 of My Fierce Lady. Warnings: traumatized reader, mentions of previous attack, use of a sword, slight angst, fluff, soft Aemond

Masterlist

Agony. You were in agony. Everything had been so different since you were attacked and forced to take a man’s life. Anyone would change if it had happened to them, you believed. Aemond reminded you daily that you are strong and brave, that you and your children were still alive and breathing, and that the man was in the ground where he belonged because of you. Yet you still lived in fear every day, terrified that someone would strike again, but you wouldn’t be so lucky. 

That’s not to say that your husband and his family didn't try to make you feel safe. Your personal guards had been doubled. You were seldom left alone. You wouldn't step into your chambers, so they allowed you to move rooms. They exhausted resources to find whoever plotted to attack the Targaryen household. However, their attempts were futile. They never found who did it, and no matter what they did, you never truly felt safe.

Nightmares often plagued you. Too many nights you dreamed of Maelehra being murdered. You soon followed, only to be woken screaming and crying in the arms of Aemond as he tried to calm you. Your stress and anxiety were so severe that the maester put you on bed rest until the birth of your son. 

You thought things would be better after you brought your son, Rhaegar, into the world, basking in the joys of a newborn, a male heir for your husband. You were sorely mistaken. The maester chalked it up to melancholy as your body adjusted to a new state of motherhood. The royal family tried to keep it hidden. Everything was always kept in the family, never wanted to reveal their personal weaknesses to outsiders. But it was hard to ignore the whispers around the Red Keep with rumors of you going crazy and behaving worse than your sister-in-law, Helaena. 

You spent a lot of time with Helaena in her chambers, doing needlework as your children played on the floor together with the nannies. Rhaegar was usually fast asleep in his cradle. You had a feeling your mother-in-law, the Queen, had something to do with your time spent behind closed doors, not that you minded too much. You dearly loved Helaena and preferred her company over the other ladies in court. 

—

For once, you were having a good day. Your anxiety was at bay and manageable. The children were behaving excellently. You knew everyone was safe, and you finally settled in once you checked several times that there were two guards outside the door.

“That looks quite lovely, sister! You stitch our sigil far better than I could,” Helaena’s eyes were wide as she smiled brightly, complimenting your work. You were working on embroidering the Targaryen sigil on a new dress for Mae. 

“That is very kind of you to say. Your spider looks exquisite,” you smiled back at her. You genuinely meant it. While you did not share the same affinity for insects, you were always enthusiastic about her interests and ready to learn.

“Thank you, it’s a zebra spider. We have these in our garden,” she replied, then returned to her work. 

It was relatively quiet in the room, with an occasional sound coming from the children. All your focus was on the dress until your concentration was broken. The door opened without anyone knocking, and an unknown man stepped inside the room. 

You immediately stood up, a scream slipped from your lips. It startled your son awake, and he started crying. Your heart was racing, and you felt as if you could be sick. No, you thought, this cannot be happening again. As quick as you stood, you backed into a corner. You sat down with your hands over your ears and eyes tightly squeezed shut. 

Helaena shooed the man out of the room and told the nannies to remove the children. She slowly approached you, afraid to disturb you even more. You could see her mouth moving but heard no sound. The only thing you could hear was ringing. Tears welled up in your eyes. She turned to the guards and demanded they go get her brother at once.

Aemond made his way to his sister’s chambers in record time. “I am so sorry, Aemond. It was a new servant, he didn't knock first.”

“It’s fine, Helaena.” He looked at you, seeing you in a catatonic-like state. Your hands had not moved from their spot on your head, but your eyes were now wide open, blankly staring at the wall. It made him angry to see you as a shell of what you once were, no longer the carefree and lively woman he fell in love with. He turned to his sister, “May you give us some space please?”

Helaena left the room, and Aemond made his way to you. He crouched down, blocking your vision of the wall. Your eyes finally focused when you saw your husband in front of you and not another stranger coming to kill you. He reached up to take your hands off your face, noticing the scratch marks your nails left behind. With your hands in his, he gently kissed the back of both. 

“I’m here now, love. I got you. You are safe. Nothing is going to hurt you,” he spoke in a soft, calming voice- one reserved for only you and your children. The words he spoke were familiar as he often said these like a mantra in the dark of your room after your nightmares. You threw yourself in his arms, catching him off guard as he almost fell. He steadied himself and pulled you in close, once more repeating those words.

When your heart was steady and mind clear, he pulled you up to the ground and led you to the comforts of your own chamber. As soon as the door was shut, you turned to him. 

“I cannot do this any longer,” you said to him, voice cracking in desperation.

“Do what, my dear?” he questioned.

“Live in fear, no longer feeling safe in my own home. I wish to be free of this anguish! I want to feel as brave as you say I am. I want you to teach me how to fight,” you said to him. It was something you had thought about for some time but too afraid to address until now.

“I don’t know,” he said hesitantly. 

You knew it was unbecoming of a lady such as yourself to fight, but you were at a complete loss at what to do. It wasn’t as if Aemond thought that of you though. He always believed you could do anything you wanted. He never tried to control you or put you in your place unlike the other men of the court. Fighting could be dangerous, and he just wanted to protect you. 

“Please, Aemond. I need this. If you love me, you will grant me this wish,” you begged him, grabbing his hands and looking into his eye. You needed nothing more than to gain back some control of your life.

He nodded his head, “Then I will do just that, I promise you.”

—

Aemond led you to an empty room in the castle. You were adorned in pants and a tunic, your hair in a single braid falling down your back. He was finally going to teach you how to fight with a sword.

When you made your way into the room, he shut the door behind you for privacy. You noticed a few weapons were already laid on a table. There was a dummy filled with sand in the middle of the room as well. 

“Now, today we will learn the basics of defense, just a simple thrust and slice. Let’s go pick you a sword,” he walked over to the table. and you followed. You knew how heavy swords could be, having handled Aemond’s sword once to see what it was like and almost dropped it in the process. 

He handed you several, having you do a few mock swings to see which one felt best in your hands. You picked a lighter sword, the blade a typical silver color with a black and red hilt. The pommel housed a blue jewel. How fitting, you thought when you noticed it was similar in color to the sapphire where your husband’s eye once was.

When you were satisfied with your choice, you made your way to the middle of the room where Aemond was waiting. With the sword placed tightly in your hand, he led you into the proper stance. He used his leg to move your feet where he wanted them. His back found its way flush against yours. One arm wrapped around your waist to straighten you out. The other helped you hold your sword to the correct height, pointing to where you needed to strike. Whiffs of your scent flooded his nose as he held you close. You were disappointed when he pulled away.

“Alright, keep that stance. This should be an easy one. Draw your arm back and simply thrust it forward,” he said, his hands placed firmly behind your back. He was intensely watching your every move, making you a bit nervous. You drew back the sword and plunged it into the chest of the dummy. When you removed the sword, sand spilled on the ground. 

“Good, you have just defended yourself. Now put yourself back into the same position, and I’ll show you how to slice,” he explained the movements once more and let you do your thing. 

You stood the way he told you, doing a spin to gain momentum before slicing either side of the dummy. Once more, sand flowed from the cuts. Aemond started clapping. You turned to smile at him, finally starting to feel a small amount of control for the first time since your attack.

“My, oh my. Who knew the Gods blessed me with a wife who is a natural in the art of the sword,” he smiled, looking proud.

You laughed, “ Well, I have watched you practice in the courtyard often, my dear husband. Maybe I can be as good as you one day.”

“I’ll make a fighter out of you in no time, my fierce lady.”

#aemond targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen imagine #aemond x reader #hotd imagine #house of the dragon x reader #aemond targaryen #aemond targaryen angst #aemond targaryen fluff

[creature-wizard]

"I'm in a bad place and need to get out, what can I do?"

I figured I'd make a post with all the resources/tips I've collected to help people get out of shitty situations so far, since it's easier than linking to a bunch of posts each time.

Seek out appropriate resources. This can include support groups (online or offline), helplines, and the like.

If you're in the US, you can call 211 to help you find resources.

Crisis Text Line offers services to the US, Ireland, Canada, and the UK.

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is a US service offers a lot of information for sexual abuse survivors.

The Trevor Lifeline is a service for queer youth in the US.

If you're a minor, you may wish to read How To Escape Abusive Parents: A Guide For Minors.

If you're an adult, you may wish to read How To Escape Abusive Parents: A Guide For Adults.

You might also Duckduckgo something like "resources for people in abuse" or "abuse resources help" or "domestic violence survivors resources".

Ask people for help in finding resources. If you can't find anything on your own, there are other people who know where to direct you. It might take awhile to find what you're looking for, but keep asking.

A WORD OF CAUTION: there are many predatory spiritual groups and conspiracy theorists out there who prey on abuse survivors and mentally ill people. You will often see these people claiming that channeling or hypnosis can help you remember past life memories or repressed traumatic memories. This is nonsense and quackery.

Relevant posts of mine:

Hypnosis is unreliable for memory recovery, and this is one way we know.

False past life memories among the starseed movement

Here’s the trouble with hypnotic regression…

If you're on a website that claims to support cult survivors and you see any of these names in the citations (and make sure you check the citations!), leave immediately - all of these people are far right conspiracy theorists. (Unfortunately, many people today are unwittingly perpetuating the BS of Fritz Springmeier in particular. See this and this for more info on that.)

Change who and what you surround yourself with. Start associating with different people/groups as much as you can. Get hobbies to fill your time. Unfollow blogs that reinforce the beliefs you're trying to get away from, and follow blogs that provide a healthier alternative.

You might follow blogs like:

A Kind Place

Trauma Survivors Helping Trauma Survivors

Compassionate Reminders

Trauma Survivors Activities

Reasons For Hope

Bluest Fluff

If you're trying to rebuild your worldview without conspiratorial/culty elements, go take a look at my Resources page.

Remember that your first job is looking after yourself. You don't owe the group. You aren't responsible for the group, or for anyone in it. It might feel that way, but it's vitally important to acknowledge when you're unqualified or suffering burnout. You might feel like bad things will happen if you leave, but that's a fear, not a fact.

You also don't have to justify your departure to the group. You can just leave. If you feel that you must give a reason, you can offer something as simple as "I need to take some time to focus on my mental health" or "I'm really busy lately and don't have time to spend here." If they throw a fit over this, that's honestly just more proof that you need to get out.

If any practices the group taught you actually helped, you can keep doing them. If doing affirmations helped you, keep doing affirmations. If listening to so-called healing frequencies actually made you feel better, you don't have to stop listening to them. If you were practicing something like the Law of Assumption, you can carry on with a lot of that under a psychological model rather than Neville Goddard's wacky metaphysical model. (See this video for an example.) If it genuinely helps you and doesn't hurt anyone else, by all means, keep doing it.

Get some critical thinking skills. In order to keep yourself from falling into another bad group, it's important to develop your critical thinking skills.

Learn to apply the Five W's (who, what, when, where, and why) when encountering any information.

Learn common logical fallacies.

Learn the difference between fact, opinion, belief, and prejudice.

Don't equate emotional reactions with some kind of innate or higher moral guidance.

Ask yourself if you're "thinking for yourself" or being led to believe you're thinking for yourself.

Know what emotional manipulation tactics look like.

Watch out for these behaviors in any new group you join.

Yes, there are ways to confirm the age of an old text without having the original text itself.

Learn how propaganda works.

Watch out for these red flags in spiritual groups.

And watch out for this red flag.

Understand that belief doesn't have to be binary.

So yeah, hopefully this'll give folks some actionable advice. I can't promise it's going to help each and every person out there, but hopefully it'll give a lot of you something that will help.

#cult recovery #cults #religious abuse #spiritual abuse #spirituality #resources

[ctrlsht]

Fragment of the Past | jungkook au teaser

pairing: patient!jungkook x psychiatrist!reader genre: thriller & yandere au

summary: You are a well-known and respected psychiatrist and a book author. You start treating Jeon Jungkook, who suffers from PTSD after surviving an extremely traumatic incident. As you help him confront his traumatic past, he begins to act strangely, and you start uncovering something about him that will change everything.

content and general warnings: patient and business owner jk, psychotherapist and author reader, mental disorders (depression, PTSD, ASPD), manipulation, crime, gaslighting, stalking, blackmailing, yandere. There are more, but when it comes, I will indicate it immediately. 

note: This fiction will contain multiple mental disorders. I conducted my own research to avoid spreading misinformation, but there may be aspects I've overlooked, so I am open for any corrections.

date of release: TBA. But most probably, within this month

preview:

You have to admit that there is something wrong with his words and actions. There are signs that he’s becoming manipulative and a sudden change of mood. He's self-absorbed and lacks remorse for others. You’ve been thinking that there are other diagnoses with his actions and behaviors however, you cannot suddenly show up and tell what other illness he has. You still have to observe your sessions with him. 

You have now freshen up and are ready to rest but you decide to visit your office to check your schedule for tomorrow and the following days. You only have one patient for tomorrow and most of your schedules are meetings. Before you log out on your computer, you glance at the folder of Jungkook in your patient list and you click it subconsciously. 

Jeon Jungkook, 31-year old male who suffers from PTSD, after surviving an extremely traumatic incident.

You pick up your phone, insert the cord that connects it to the computer, and then locate the file you're searching for.

Patient’s session recordings: Patient JJK: PTSD. Session 7 out of 12

You immediately transfer those files to your personal computer, and once the transfer is successful, you play the most recent file that was recorded a while ago.

“I’m not quite sure about that, Dr. Y/N. I may be happy right now, but later on, I’ll remember the tragic event once again.”

“It’s okay. It really happens. Healing from your trauma doesn’t happen in a short period of time. But eventually, you’ll be okay. It may not be right now nor tomorrow but one day,” 

“Will you leave me after I completely heal, Dr.?” 

“Well, that’s quite the opposite, Jungkook. You’ll be the one to leave me after our final session comes to an end. And as your doctor, I genuinely want you to heal and move on to continue living with your life.” 

“Then I’m not quite sure if I’ll be happy for our final session to come to an end.”

a/n: This fiction is inspired by the book "Never Lie" by Freida Mcfadden. If you've read the book, you may have an idea of how the story will flow.

#jungkook au #jungkook #jungkook fanfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook x y/n #jungkook scenarios #dark fiction #manipulative jungkook #yandere jeon jungkook #bts au #bts #yandere jungkook #bts yandere #bangtan #bts fanfic #bts x reader #dark fanfiction

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Wildest dreams, part 18

Summary: Waking up, Y/N expected to find herself in Paul’s arms. Instead, she found herself clinging to bed sheets and an empty bed.

Warnings: fluff, angst, sexual content, swearing

Wildest Dreams Masterlist

————————————

Paul promised he’d be there when her eyes opened. She remembers his words clearly, that wasn’t a dream. They made love, he drove her to the brink of madness and back and then he promised to be there when she wakes, so where the hell is he now?

A lump forms at the back of Y/N’s throat as she sits up, clinging to the bed sheets carrying his scent. It’s unmistakable – his promise is broken. Paul isn’t by her side, he’s not even in the room.

Inhaling sharply, her chest shudders. Closing her eyes she licks her lower lip before catching it between her teeth. Part of her wishes she could stop time and stay in that moment he held her so close that nothing stood between them – not even air could penetrate the tight bond between their bodies as they surrendered every atom of their beings to each other.

But she can’t stop time and he’s gone.

Why?

Where?

Swallowing thickly, she throws the sheets aside and stands. It doesn’t make sense. If he wanted to run, he could have done so sooner. He wouldn’t do it to her now. She refuses to believe he’d do it on purpose. Something must have happened.

Putting on her clothes, she shivers. Cold always finds her, sinking its hooks in her skin, spreading underneath violently until her muscles tremble in an effort to generate some warmth to battle the ice in her veins. Paul keeps the cold away, but without him it’s like falling through the ice into the freezing water below.

Checking her phone, she finds no new messages. Not from Paul at least.

Jacob sent dozens of texts. Embry had sent a few as well, and even Emily tried calling. She remembers her phone vibrating last night but in that moment the world could have been coming to an end and she’d refuse to acknowledge it because being with Paul was enough for her. If it was the end, she was already with the only person she’d watch it all burn to nothingness.

Huffing, she dials Paul.

From nowhere came the sound of a cellphone ringing, a classical cover of “Stay with me” by Sam Smith echoing the room. It’s on the nightstand on Paul’s side of the bed, her photo flashing on the screen.

Her heart quickens, eyebrows furrowing. He didn’t just leave, he wouldn’t have left his phone or her. Not after last night.

Rushing downstairs, she pops into the kitchen first. “Paul?”

He’s not here.

“Paul?!” She calls out, her heart dropping as the silence continues. “Fuck”, her hands begin to shake as she opens Jacob’s messages first.

“Is everything k?”

“Call me if u wanna talk”

“If u don’t wanna talk, just text me back, pls. Just so I knw ure home.”

“I’m getting worried”

“I’ll call ur dad. If you dnt text me back, I will.”

“Y/N wtf, I called ur dad and he says ure not home. Call me ASAP!”

“Paul’s not answering either and I’m seriously starting to panic”

“I’ll stop by his house to check on him and then I’ll look 4 u”

“I heard enough to traumatize me for the rest of my life. Glad you’re ok.”

Rolling her eyes, she chews on her bottom lip. She hoped to get a “We had an emergency, sorry to steal your man so early in the morning” text, something that would pacify her, but she’s never been quite good at finding herself in situations that had no answers when her mind would jump to worse case scenarios.

“I’m not paying for therapy. Just wanted to check if you guys had patrol or some vampires to chase this morning?”

Dropping back on the couch, she stares up at the ceiling. Who would have known she’d find herself falling for the biggest playboy she’s ever met, that he’d turn out to be her cosmic love and that she’d go from wishing never to see him again to wishing never to lose him? It’s incredible how unpredictable life can be – one moment can change it irreversibly, one person can make it so you never look at anything you’ve known the same way.

“No. Sam’s out with the pups. Why?”

Shaking her head, she bounces her right foot on the floor. Something’s not right. He wouldn’t just leave her like this – no note, no text, hell, his phone’s still in the bedroom.

“I can’t find Paul”

“What do you mean you can’t find him?!”

She snorts at the way Jacob’s text become proper and grammatically correct whenever he’s angry, same as it used to be. He used to teach her slang and how to shorten words to make texting easier back when each text cost and they had character limits. She’s never quite liked it, finding ways to shape her thoughts in a different manner rather than using Jacob’s ridiculous one letter words.

“He said he’d be here and he’s not and his phone’s in the room”, she grimaces before walking to the window. Pulling the curtain aside, she sees his Jeep in the driveway. “His car is here too.”

It took less than a second after the Seen for Y/N’s phone to ring, Jacob’s name plastered over her screen.

“Tell me everything”, Jacob says, his breathing almost ragged.

“I doubt you want to heart everything”, Y/N reminds him.

“I didn’t mean the part where you two fucked, I mean after”, his voice is low, still raspy. He must have woken up because of her text.

“Before we fell asleep, he promised me he’d be here when I woke up. He wasn’t. I called his phone and it frickin’ rang in the fucking room. I looked around the house and he’s not here. His stupid fucking Jeep is in the driveway and I’m starting to freak out because there’s no way in hell he’d just leave the house without anything on him.”

“Look, don’t go anywhere. I’ll be there soon and we’ll figure it out together. Okay?”

“Jake”, she pauses.

“Don’t tell me not to come. I know we still have a long way to go before we get back to that friendship we had growing up, but I care about you and you’re upset and despite common sense, I care about Paul too. So, stay there. I’m on my way.”

Hanging up, Jacob immediately called Embry.

“What do you want”, Embry grumbles.

“Better wake up Mr. Sunshine, because we might have a situation on our hands.”

“What kind of a situation?”

“Paul’s gone.”

“Gone? Gone how?”

Rolling his eyes, Jacob grabs his helmet and heads to his old bike. “That’s what I’m not sure about. Y/N called and she can’t find him.”

“He’s probably off somewhere licking his wounds from last night. Remember when he found out Y/N moved away for college? He went into the woods for weeks and never spoke of her after he came home. And that’s BEFORE he imprinted on her.”

“I remember it just fine”, Jacob sighs.

“They fought and he’s imprinted on her, so I’m not worried. He’ll come back soon.”

“But they didn’t fight”, Jacob interrupts, “quite the opposite.”

“Huh?”

“I wanted to check on him last night and…those weren’t the sounds of a couple fighting.”

“What are you….oh….OH!”

“Exactly the sound she made last night. Several times.” Jacob grimaces. The last thing he needed was to hear his best friend moaning as she was getting frisky with Paul Lahote. If there’s something his younger self would never believe, it’s that Y/N would ever let Paul’s penis anywhere near her and yet it was quite literally attached to her last night and his stomach churns at the thought.

“Where the fuck is he then?!” Embry raises his voice and Jacob sighs.

“That’s why I’m calling you now. Shift and see if you can find him. I’ll go to his house and find Y/N before she spirals.”

“Be careful about it”, Embry warns.

“What are you trying to imply?”

“I know what goes through your head when Y/N is involved. I knew back then and I know now.”

“She’s in love with Paul. I’ve imprinted on another. I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

“I really wish I could believe you.”

“Get going, Em. Paul might be in some deep shit and I don’t want to look her in the eye and say we couldn’t help him because we spent too long talking about things that will never happen.”

“I’ll call if I find anything.”

Inhaling sharply, Jacob pockets his phone and puts his helmet on. He’s not delusional to think he would ever be a viable option to Y/N, nor would she ever be a choice he could embrace with his own imprint being out there in the world.

What Jacob does know is that Paul adores the ground Y/N walks on, has been since before any of them truly knew it. She’s in safe hands with Paul. For now, at least. While he’s gone, for whatever reason it may be, Jacob will step in and make sure the fate Paul saw while imprinting doesn’t befall her in his absence.

It didn’t take long for him to drive up to Paul’s house. Taking a good whiff, Jacob frowns. There are no unfamiliar scents lingering around. If a vampire came close, half the reservation would reek for hours. All of the wolves would be out, tracking down the source. But there are no vampires here. It smells distinctively of Paul and Y/N.

It’s painstakingly obvious they’re imprints based off their smell alone. Paul has a woody smell of pine clinging to him from his work in the lumberyard and all the time he spends in the woods as he patrols, while Y/N has a floral scent – a mixture of lilacs and lilies. Woody and floral – complementary in every possible way.

Shaking his head, his jaw clenches. She’s his best friend, she’s always been his favorite human being, the only one who could see who he is through all the bullshit walls he’s built over the years. Y/N has always understood him at his core, supported him when he needed her without even having to ask for it, pushed him to be better when all he wanted was to avoid the world and when he left her after shifting, it felt like he was taken apart with every passing day.

When they told him he’s never to talk to her again, Jacob accepted his fate but he would follow her home, terrified of something happening to her. He was always there, sun, rain or snow, Jacob was following her from the tree line, ready to step in. Y/N didn’t know, but he would have done anything to ensure she’d live a long life, even if it meant she’d hate him longer.

It’s depressing it took so many years for her to finally find out the truth. He’s been away, tied to his imprint instead of his best friend ever since Bella gave birth. In a way, he’s resented Renesmee for taking him away from his home…from Y/N. He never asked to imprint, if he could choose not to, he wouldn’t have an imprint.

For years, Jacob’s tried figuring out the purpose of him imprinting on a vampire hybrid baby that he felt no true romantic affection for. He’s felt duty, he’s felt protective after watching her grow up before his eyes. Despite what most imprints feel, Jacob only ever felt like a parental figure. He loves her, he does, but he’s not in love with her and he doesn’t see that changing. Ever.

Unlike Renesmee, Jacob’s loved Y/N his whole life and yes, there are dormant feelings always lingering somewhere inside. She was his first friend, the first person he danced with, his first kiss. She was the first person he could be vulnerable with, the first person he could act stupid around and the only person he could come to with his hands bloody and know he would face no judgment.

Making his way to the door, Jacob smiles when the door open wide before he even reaches them. Y/N’s standing in the doorway, her lips pressed in a thin line, her arms opening immediately and without a second thought, Jacob allows her to wrap those loving arms around his neck.

Holding her close, he breathes through his mouth in an attempt to ignore how strongly Paul’s scent clings to her, overpowering the freshness of her own scent Jacob was once addicted to.

“It’s gonna be okay”, Jacob whispers in her hair, closing his eyes as his grip on Y/N tightens. And that was a promise. One way or another, Paul will come back and Jacob will watch from the sidelines how in love his best friend is with the very man she once detested. He’ll watch and he’ll witness their ups and console her when they’re at their lows, but he’ll never let her see the pain it will bring him. She’ll never see the worry in his eye whenever he’s not around her for he never knows when it’ll happen.

It’s inevitable, Jacob of all people knows.

When he imprinted, Jacob saw his life with Renesmee. He saw himself by her side as she grew, taking her to school, taking photos of her and her prom date, waiting up for her when she snuck out to a party. It all came true. He saw himself walking her down the aisle with Edward, babysitting her son, growing older while she remains younger. That’s yet to happen, but it will. At some point in his life, he will give up shifting and he will age and one day, he’ll be free of this life for good.

If his visions were true, if every other wolf’s visions happened just as they did, so will Paul’s.

Jacob will do everything in his power to make sure it doesn’t, but in his heart he knows his time with Y/N is limited, therefore too precious to ever tell her his heart is like sand in which her footprints will never be erased by waves of the ocean of time.

_______________________

Tags: @the-chaotic-cow @xxxjaexxx @captainrogers-19 @bexloxl @llovergirlll @adaydreamaway08 @sunsetevergreen @volturiwolf @twihard08 @galacticstxrdust @sorrow-and-bliss @ireadthensuetheauthors @missxmarvelous @locokoca @unstablekay @makhaia @venusdelaroix @avadakadabra93 @tearsforhan @a-marie-a @lendeluxe @seagulls-corner @jdbxws @kitabestboy @rottenstyx @itsmytimetoodream @dreamerwasfound​@convolutings @rachelccollier @prvncessvibes @thingfromlove @jennyamanda8 @havecourage-darling @luvr-exe @alittlejudgemental @turningtoclown @vikingsheart12 @emptydoorsandpaintedwindows @marvelmenarebeautiful @bringmethe-world@alitaar @sugasthreedollarkookie @chloe-skywalker @heyheyheyggg @feral-ratatattat-king @pillowjj​

PART 19

#paul lahote #paul lahote x reader #paul lahote series #twilight saga #Twilight series #twilight fanfiction #twilight #twilight fandom #paul lahote x oc #jacob black #jacob black x reader #embry call

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

✨ The space-loving scientist S/O [with a lovely sunshine personality] mysteriously disappeared one night, they're never to be seen ever again, that is until after so many years suddenly a spaceship crashes into a forest near their home in the middle of the night. When skelly comes to investigate, finally... He saw S/O... Injured and large scars all over, on their face and body, ones old and new, they looked so SO exhausted, their body trembles, dark eye bags under their eyes but as S/O stood up, their eyes widens in shock yet light up happily upon seeing skelly. Despite that they were hurt badly, blood dripping and body aching, it was hard to move, although, they couldn't care less at all, the love of their life they've been deeply longing for was in front of them even if so much time has passed, they ran, or at least tried to with the state that they're in, limping and reaching towards skelly sobbing... Skelly allows S/O to hug him, they both fell and broke down, S/O then muttered "My l-love...I-I'm finally home.." and quietly apologizing for everything...

S/O later explains that they were kidnapped by terrible and horrible aliens after accidentally wandering into their territory at night and forced to be their test subject and slave as punishment, spending such a long time being tortured constantly, forced to do terrible things for them and things they didn't want to do, however, S/O persevered, knowing that if S/O gave up and died then only the shitty aliens would win so they tried so hard and fought back that turned the situation into an endless war, surviving through it all, changing the sweet and kind sunshine who dreamt of reaching the stars to a tired soldier... All they ever thought of and dreamt was only to come back home, reuniting with their love...

[Hi!!! I apologize for writing this so long but I just had to tell ever detail because this idea had been stirring inside and rotting my brain with soo much angst! XD]

Undertale Sans - He's horrified. Honestly, he just assumed he did something wrong all these years that made you run away, he could never imagined, well, that. First, he teleports you to the hospital, then he warns Asgore because, uh, that seems like a serious situation a King should know about you know. He's not leaving your side after this, simply holding your hand as you recover. He doesn't know what more he can do to help, but at least, he can listen and be here for you. He won't stop apologizing for not being there when you needed it, even though he can't really go to space so there's not much he could do.

Undertale Papyrus - He's completely in shock. Papyrus assured everyone you were alive and didn't stop looking after you all these years, even though his brother and Undyne told him he was just hurting himself for nothing. Turns out he was right all along and just didn't think to check space, silly him. Welp, that happened. Sometimes everyone thinks you're dead, sometimes you get kidnapped by aliens. That's life. Now that it's over, everyone can turn the page and never leave again because he's now full of insecurities and literally terrified you will never get home when you go get groceries :D But he's fine, he hides it very well (no).

Underswap Sans - Omg. You fought aliens all this time and he was not there to see this. He's jealous, well, not too much of the "I was a lab rat part" but all the other sides. You went into space, and you beat up aliens! Is your spaceship still working? He wants to beat up aliens too! He's glad you're back home, and he won't stop asking questions. He has trouble understanding you need to recover from all this and that talking that much about this traumatizing experience is definitely not helping.

Underswap Papyrus - He breaks down in your arms. He doesn't care what happened, he's just so happy. He got confused after you disappeared, than angry, then sad, then depressed and he was very close from falling down because he couldn't understand why you left. He kept believing, just a little, that maybe you would come home someday, and he's so glad you did eventually. He's horrified when he learns you got basically tortured for years, but he is also in awe about how you managed to go home by yourself. He won't stop crying for a few weeks. He needs to recover as well.

Underfell Sans - He doesn't even know what to say. He grew angry after you, thinking you gave up on him like many before you and that he got tricked into a false feeling of security once again. But now you're back, and apparently, it's all his fault because he didn't think even one second you might have been kidnapped by aliens. He thought about a car accident or something but your car had been found unscathed after a while, he thought of a kidnapping but Edge assured him none of his rivals were in town when it happened, so he just assumed you left. He's not sure how to feel about all of this, he needs some time to think.

Underfell Papyrus - He falls completely silent. He searched for you everywhere. He thought you died somewhere and that he would never see you again. He mourned you. And now you're just... back? He lived the all thing like a giant failure because he wasn't there to protect you and he thought that maybe you got kidnapped and died all alone somewhere. Well, learning you got kidnapped by aliens doesn't help him to feel better, because he felt like it was his role to protect you, and he couldn't prevent this. He's glad you're home, but he is full of insecurities now, wondering if he's the right fit for you if he can't even protect you from something like this.

Horrortale Sans - Oh he was not worried. Willow kept telling him you were gone forever, but he could feel in his soul it was not true and he just kept forgetting you were gone for four years until you actually come back out of nowhere. He's just happy he got his S/O's back, purring like you left the house yesterday. He knew you would come back.

Horrortale Papyrus - Well that's awkward. You landed right next to the tomb he made for you in the forest, right next to Undyne's and Alphys' ones (that was supposed to not exist by the way because Monsterkind refused to give them tombs). Willow just thought it would be nice to have a place to remember you, since there was not really a body to mourn. He's now completely in shock, unsure if you are a ghost or no. Well, there's the spaceship, sure, but, that's a bit unbelievable. He doesn't even know what to say. He's happy, sure, but that doesn't feel real at all for him.

Swapfell Sans - He was really happy to discover you're actually alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere. Well, at least until you tell him you got abducted by aliens. Nox suddenly falls silent, then keeps looking between your face and your stomach. Nah man, that's too much for him. He runs home like the devil is chasing him and locks all the doors and windows. If your stomach needs to explode and deliver some random alien baby that will eat everyone, do it outside. He doesn't want to know. It will take three days to convince him you are in fact not infested with an alien parasite. He still doesn't trust you, but he tolerates you inside lol.

Swapfell Papyrus - Well the Rus you knew is not the same. After you disappeared, he kinda gave up on everything and lost the will to do anything. Instead, you meet with his brother, who is both terrified of you and relieved. When you go to see Rus, he thinks you're a hallucination and completely ignores you, and he will for a good month before realizing you're here to stay and sometime later that you're actually real. Little step by little step.

Fellswap Gold Sans - He's not sure is believing you, despite the spaceship. It's not that he doesn't want to believe you, but it seems too big to believe, and it feels like you're searching for an apology for giving up on him. Wine has trust issues and won't be fully the same anymore, even if he'll forgive you eventually and accept that something crazy actually happened to you. It's just... It still hurts. He struggles to forget the few years without you.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - Unfortunately, Wine finds you first. Wine is NOT happy you abandoned his precious baby brother and before you can even say a word, he attacks you lol. How dare you come back after all these years? Don't you know how much you hurt Coffee? Like hell he's letting you get close again! Eventually, he'll calm down, but not after beating the living hell out of you. First he hits, then he tries to understand. Well, that's very awkward when he realizes he had beaten you for something you're not really responsible for... At least Coffee is happy to see you. He won't let you go ever again. Poor guy is even more scared of being abandoned now.

Special mentions:

Horrorswap Papyrus - He's so relieved you're alright. He never stopped believing you would come home, despite everyone saying it's hopeless. He just knows. When he learns you got tortured for a few years though, he can't stop apologizing for you. The guy quite know the feeling, and he's so sorry you had to experience it as well. At least you two can try to recover together now. He's glad you're home.

Outertale Sans - Ah. First time? That happens. Those aliens are quite curious you know. Maybe next time take a beacon with you so, you know, he doesn't get worried and just knows you're actually just having a party with a random species? Ah, you got tortured? Ah... Uh... He looks at his feet and doesn't dare to meet your eyes again. Yeah, he forgot aliens could do that too.

#undertale #underswap #underfell #horrortale #swapfell #fellswap gold #horrorswap #outertale #sans #papyrus #undertale ask blog #undertale asks #undertale imagines #undertale headcanons

[zorlok-if]

Hi everybody,

It's been a while. Sorry that I've been gone so long without explanation or communication, I've been in a bad place. For more info check under the cut. Otherwise, hello! I'm alive and so is this project. Progress has been stalled and will continue to be stalled because this is a hobby and I have to focus on priorities. That doesn't mean that it's dead. I still intend to release everything when I can. I appreciate your support and interest.

Hope you're all well! 😊

Albie

(cw: discussion of bad mental health, anxiety, and depression; school shooting mention)

Okay, hello! Welcome to the rest of this post.

Basically, I've been in a bad mental place for a long time and have a lot of issues that I've left unaddressed or festering—most of which tie back to depression, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.

To start, I wasn't able to graduate this past winter because I fell one class short of my requirements. That really sent me into a spiral and put a strain on my interpersonal relationships.

Then I tried to take that last class this spring but fear related to recent school shootings exacerbated and activated some bad ND habits and I won't be able to complete this course. That means I still won't be able to graduate until I find some online equivalent or professor who will allow me to remain fully remote.

Around the time I found out I wouldn't be graduating, I also got some really cruel anon hate which added onto how I was already feeling and made me hesitant to put anything else out online.

Other things have happened: family stuff, work stuff, health stuff, sociopolitical stuff, etc. (I don't want to go into details with some and won't burden you with the rest). But, essentially, I found myself at a darker place than normal. I withdrew into myself and have been stewing in crippling self-loathing while wearing a convincing smile in my everyday life. (being really honest with this stuff so that if anyone else is going through/experienced something like this they can know they're not alone)

Fortunately, I was able to get away for a bit and spent some time with loved ones I rarely get to see. I've also made a few irl friends recently and feel like I'm coming back out of my shell and starting to heal after traumatic events and relationships. For the first time in a long time, I feel invigorated. I mean, I still feel like stinking trash, but garbage with a will to live and better itself.

As of right now, I'm moving out and finding more work so I can better support myself financially.

If you've read all this going, where's the Zorlok/(other game) update? Here you go: I've been working on Zorlok somewhat, but in the situation/place where I was at, found myself unable to justify dedicating a lot of time to writing and struggling to feel confident about what I was creating when I actually did sit down to do so. This project is in no way dead and I want to work on it and release games more than anything, but I owe it to myself and other people in my life to keep my priorities in check.

This is a hobby and in the past I dedicated time to it when I should've been doing other things. As long as this is a hobby, I can no longer take time away from my priorities to do something I just want to do (no matter how badly I want to do it). So, that's where we're at. I'm continuing to focus on critical things and stop feeling like a jerk for doing that. I know that this might disappoint some people, but that's how things are right now.

If you want to know more about where things are literally at: I'm close to finishing a heavily updated and expanded prologue but episode one has been undergoing changes. I feel pretty shit about myself and that's seeped into my view on what I create which is in turn stalling my ability to make meaningful progress that I don't immediately want to destroy. I've worked on potential Patreon content (including an exclusive game and a Creating Goncharov director's cut), made a Twine template and tutorial, and made progress on updates for Mousetrap and System Processing. I've avoided making changes to the Zorlok page (and my other itch.io pages) these past few months since I don't want people getting their hopes up seeing some sort of "update" from itch.io—only for that update to be "there's no game update yet." That's why those are still out of date, but I'll be fixing them as soon as I can.

So, that's where we are. I wish that I had way more to talk about and release, but that's not been a possibility and I'm just going to be upfront and honest—even if I am disappointed and somewhat afraid and ashamed to admit it. (that's it for the game updates, the rest just gets back to personal)

In general, I've always struggled with shame and fear and those are the main culprits for why I've been radio silent until now. I couldn't find a way to address these topics or talk about them without my odious inner critic getting triggered and shutting me down. However, I'm trying my best to not listen to that asshole because this (*gestures at everything*) must stop.

To be honest, I'm not content with prolonged existence anymore. I want to live—and that's more than I've been able to say for a long time. To be perfectly honest, for the past decade or so I've lived simply because others wanted me around, not because I wanted to be here. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of indifference being my best hope for how I feel about myself. I'm tired of forcing an apathetic soul to drag my flesh through the muck of living. I don't expect what I experience to improve, in fact things will definitely be getting tougher, but I want to change how I experience it. I want to actively live rather than passively slip by. I want to answer questions like "what do you want to do with your life?" and "what are your plans?" with more than vague shrugs and dead-hearted replies meant to brush people off the topic of the future. I want to stop passing through life as a ghost.

I'm still trying to find the motivation, purpose, or courage to genuinely live for myself instead of existing for other people. I still haven't found my "spark"—that properly and blissfully selfish reason to live—but I think wanting to search is a good start.

Anyways, I'll be around more and I'll be more honest with where I am and what's going on. It's my personal mission to deny fear's control over my life and actions. Part of that means allowing myself to be more open with people even if I'm afraid of judgment or negativity.

Excluding a few outliers, you've all been exceptionally kind and encouraging. I'm always overwhelmed and astonished with the support that's been shown to me and my creative projects and I appreciate you all. Thank you so much. Thank you for reading through this. Thank you for caring. You're part of why I'm around.

I hope that you're having a lovely day/night/et cetera and if you aren't, you're not alone ❤️.

I'll see you around. 😊 Thanks again,

Albie

#hi #albie's corner #update #but not a game update #sorry #just a general update #personal

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

How differently do you think Tobias would act in the later books if the events of #33 had never happened? a few of the others mention that tobias seems different after his torture and it's definitely clear that it impacted him more than he can acknowledge, but I'm curious as to your take on how much it changed his behavior

It's honestly hard to say, if only because so many of the books #34 - #52 are ghost-written and therefore suffer from inconsistencies in places. For me the biggest moment of "whoa, something changed" is the opening of #41 where Jake notes that Tobias just takes off after the battle is over, and that a few months ago it would've been unlike him not to check on Rachel or Ax.

For me, that helps to explain Tobias’s relative lack of engagement with Rachel in #42 and #48. Even though she narrates both books, they're more focused on her relationships with Cassie and Marco and Jake, while Tobias is kind of just there. #48 especially barely mentions him, which is a glaring contrast to all the other books (#22, #7, etc) where Rachel puts him as the most important person in her life. It could be that he has trouble connecting with the others, and isn't able to maintain that relationship as well as he'd like.

The other place where Tobias’s lack of reaction has always stood out to me is #40. Ax says people who choose to be nothlits are "cowards", Cassie hastens to add that she doesn't think Gafinilan would do such a thing, and Tobias is just... there. He doesn't say anything in response. Same goes for the scene where Ax and Jake and Gafinilan talk about stigma against people who can't morph. My cynical Doylist suspicion is that the ghost writers forgot about him, but the Watsonian explanation could be that he's really checked out as a result of being traumatized and doesn't have the spoons to engage.

So: to circle back, I think Tobias would probably be more tuned in to his relationships with his girlfriend and his shorm, and better able to support them, if he hadn't experienced #33.

#animorphs #tobias fangor #trauma #emohawk #mentions of torture #animorphs meta

[k-nkypills]

Cw: mentions of trauma around sex, depression and other issues

No one seems to talk about the genuine healing that happens with sex, especially when you’re traumatized and ace. Before my current partners I got sea sick, I’d disassociate, avoid sex at all cost and have days after filled with depression.

With my current partners after I don’t feel like it’s the end of the world or my worth ended with the scene/with sex, sometimes I get self conscious or insecure but they tell me I’m safe, how important I am and how I’m gonna be ok and to breathe. The difference is, something else. The feeling of genuine care during before and after is something I don’t think I’ll get used to.

They check in on me during, asking if I need anything or if I’m ok to continue, if they notice I’m having issues they stop and they talk to me. When we first did anything I had a panic attack due to trauma and they stopped immediately, asked me to breathe with them and told me we didn’t have to continue. I’ve never had that.

Before my partners my sub/dom role was decided for me and I wasn’t given any opportunity to change or explore, if I tried it was push back or arguments or guilt tripping. Now I don’t feel anxious saying ‘can I try this? Would you be comfortable if we did this instead?’ Or ‘give me a second to catch my breath’ I don’t feel terrified to be sexual when it hits me, nor do i dread having sex or being seen sexually.

I am genuinely so grateful that they are in my life, I feel safer with them than I have with anyone else, I genuinely don’t know how I got lucky <3

I love you, gecko & haven, very much <3

#pills for my beloved #🦎Gecko #🌅Haven #agender nsft #trans nsft #bd/sm switch #nsft trans #‘nsft’ #mlm nsft #mlm ns/fw #t4t bd/sm #nblm nsft

[miss-little-luna]

How much does your faith mean to you? Were you religious from a young age or was it something you got more involved with as you've gotten older?

Great question ✝️

I actually grew up in a Church basically. My stepmother was religious and was a big member of the Church. There was a daycare that was part of it that she worked in. So we were there almost everyday. I didn't mind going until I came out as bisexual to my youth group. I got builed after that. I also was sexually assaulted as well. We continued to go until my stepmother and dad got divorced. Things changed, I stopped going. A lot of traumatic things happened after that. Around 16 I stated drinking and doing drugs. By the time I was 21 I was a full blown alcoholic. God didn't really exist to me then because my addictions controlled my life.

After getting sober I started to see things clearly. I realized God was no longer in my life and the only reason I made it this far was because He kept me safe. A lot of horrible things happened because of my addictions but things much worse could have happened yet I'm still here. I didn't realize that til years later.

My disorder came back and now controls my life. But I make sure that God is a part of it no matter what. So to answer your question I have indeed always been religious but not always kept it in check.

There are days even now that my Faith seems distant. Because my mind likes to focus on things that aren't important. Even when I get hate comments or messages. I stand strong because He does that for me. My Faith means so much to me and it always will. 🩷

#faith in jesus #faith

[cloned-eyes]

Because your boy deserves all the care and affection he can get!

Somebody left a note to Jenot so that only he could find it, the first part of the message was written hastily or with a lot of anger within.

Can you explain to me where you've been THIS time? You know very well that these checkups need to happen, do you think it's fun for me to wait for you to show up every time and worry about it? I swear, next time I'll report you to your general, I'm sick of it!

It seemed like the one who wrote this paused here, the writing changes all of a sudden, the handwriting got really neat as if every word was chosen very carefully.

I know you're hiding and I know you don't want any of this. Be angry. Be angry at me if you want. I know you're blocking my datapad messages. I don't care but I cannot allow you to harm yourself, not like that.

She stopped writing again. What the hell was that all about? She wasn't good with words, she was good at her job, with her hands, but definitely not a psychologist. But she would never forget the day she saw him for the first time. It had not been easy for her, the first time in the GAR was hard. At the beginning she had been over-motivated and full of idealism, she could do something, help off the battlefield, but that had changed quickly after the first badly injured clones were brought in. She was used to a lot from her job, but this experience had traumatized her, because most of the men she could not help, except to hold their hand briefly. And if she could, many of them were so severely traumatized that they were eliminated after a short time. Dealing with the clones and seeing how they were treated had been a shock for her and the fact that she could hardly do anything about it still tortured her, since it went against everything she had sworn an oath for.

The day CT-1313 was brought in had been particularly bad. Nearly the entire 331st Battalion was wiped out, those who actually made it there died under her hands or were forbidden to take further action. Jenot had been doubly lucky, firstly that this Jedi General had saved him and not left him for dead, and secondly because he had known where to take him. The sight that awaited her had been horrible, but the months before had made her so numb that it hardly shocked her anymore. But she had known immediately that she could save HIM, it was possible, even if she had to try to work around the protocol. She was so excited that she could finally do something and the ambition had caught her. It had taken long and difficult procedures to save his life and after the work was done, she had been so full of pride of her achievement that she had almost forgotten the cost it came with.

Jernot had been traumatized so badly and filled with such hatred that she feared she would never be able to allow him to return to duty again. His guilt was tearing him apart and she had asked herself every day since if she had done the right thing, had it been right to save him and force this life on him. Since then, not a day had gone by that she hadn't tried everything to make him feel better, to find his old self again. She got attached to him in a way she never allowed to any of the clones before and she took his hostility and anger towards her without any resistance because she felt responsible for his fate. For this very reason, she could not allow him to give up everything after this long and rough road they had already been down.

Please just a quick check up, it doesn't have to be in the medbay either. I would never report you, I hope you know that. I was just angry. Should sound familiar to you. Doc

Lot's of love to you!

Not profread.

English isn't my first language

I'm usually don't write but I had this in my head and I really had to get rid of this, so it's maybe a little chaotic.

I hope you still enjoyed. :)

#star wars #star wars oc #sw oc #clone oc #clone art #clone fanart #star wars the clone wars #eyesdraws #commander ghoul #cc 1313 #he can be cooperative #but only if you give him back his pack of cigarettes #huhuhuhu my son #my beautiful son #that was hella dope btw #i love that you all seem to like ghoul #feel free to ship him with your own characters or write stuff #it makes me so happy

[takerfoxx]

Okay, about halfway through my Evangelion rewatch, and I swear to God this show has taken over my life. Like, even though I've seen it before and recently watched the Rebuild films, it's just clicked with me in a way that hasn't happened in a very long time, and I am loving it.

Anyway.

One thing that I noticed is that while the show gets off on a very depressing note that shines a spotlight on Shinji's problems, from the agony he experiences while piloting the Eva to his crippling depression and everything, once he makes the decision to stay, the tone shifts. Like, all those issues don't really go away fully, but for a little bit, the show gets a lot more lighthearted, becoming almost a traditional giant robots fighting aliens-type show. Shinji's mental health improves exponentially, he forms several healthy relationships, he actually does rather well as a pilot, and things seem to be on the upswing for him.

And then Asuka shows up and...actually, things sort of get better?

Okay, let me explain. The first time I watched this show like fifteen years ago, I couldn't stand Asuka. I thought that she was an entitled, insecure brat, and her treatment of Shinji and Rei was totally uncalled for. However, now that I've experienced this story in both of its entireties, processed all the characters and the complexities of their portrayals, and experienced various interpretations of them through various fanfics, doujins, spin-offs, etc., revisiting the original Asuka that spawned all of these reactions is...honestly, it's not nearly as bad as I remember. Yeah, she's still an insecure brat, but I get it now. And her beef with Shinji and Rei comes from her literally being groomed to be the best Eva pilot imaginable while being traumatized by her mother's suicide, leading her to see the other two pilots as both a threat to her position as well as disappointments for not living up to her standards, hence her hostile treatment of them. Even still, we see that facade crack and she does display moments of genuine kindness and comradery with them.

Also, later events have caused people to view Shinji as something of the most extreme of doormats, but for now, he actually isn't? Like, okay, he's still kind of a pushover, but he does get frustrated, he does push back against Asuka, he does snap and start arguing. At the same time, you can also seem them trying to connect in their highly damaged, kind of awkward ways. It's not working, but you see the attempt, and overall, their dynamic does get played more for laughs and slapstick, at least in the early stages.

Of course, all of that goes out the window later on when everyone gets SOOOO much worse, but for now, it's nice to see these kids' relationship in it's healthiest stage. That scene where they all sit on the hill watching the stars together was honestly adorable, as well as Asuka deliberately eschewing a fancy steak dinner in favor of a trip to a ramen shack so Rei could participate.

As for me being ride or die for a poly ending for this trio, was it at all changed by revisiting the source material? Haha, NOPE! If anything, it was strengthened, given that all three have their unique dynamics with each other instead of the tired cliche of two people fighting over a third and it's all like, "Oh, who will they choose?" Y'ALL HAVE TWO HANDS APIECE!

Though on a more deeply personal side, I think that's why I've had Evangelion infest my mind like it has as of late. I just sort of relate to Shinji, Rei, and Asuka a whole bunch and see aspects of myself in all three, and I just kind of want them to be happy together, but, in this timeline at least, I know that that's not meant to be.

Speaking of complicated characters, Touji and Kensuke certainly are that, because on the one hand, they are kind of best boys in how ride or die they are for Shinji, basically becoming the close friends that he definitely needed and going out of their way to check in on him and support him and stick up for him.

On the other hand, they are also selling creep shots of Asuka and their other female classmates. Like, okay, 90's Japan culture and how that gets played for laughs back then, I get it. Still, not cool, guys. But I guess it just goes with the theme of how these are all messy individuals kind of stumbling their way through their messy lives, and everyone has their good and bad qualities.

Another observations. The virus takeover episode was one of the series' finest, as the whole bottle episode thing where the adults have to solve a unique problem while the pilots were otherwise out of the picture made for a great change of pace and was tense as hell. The dancing episode is a fan favorite for a reason and must've made the AsuShin ship explode early on.

Also, I know that we're supposed to hate the JSSDF because their rep was kind of a jerk to Misato and put down NERV and all (plus the later massacre in the movie), but to be honest, now knowing what we know about NERV and the Evangelions, he was kind of right in everything he was criticizing them about? And the fact that Jet Alone was deliberately sabotaged by NERV in a sort of petty dick-waving contest only puts them in a worse light. Honestly, if the two organizations had actually behaved like adults and cooperated, things might've gone so much better.

But then again, Gendo's got to Gendo, what with SEELE and their whole agenda and everything.

And on a more critical side!

Okay, I've said my piece about all of the weird creep shots in the Rebuild movies and how distracting and, well, uncomfortable they were. Like, okay, I know this whole series is low-key horny, and using Misato for some cheesecake shots, that's fine. But, like I said about Toji and Kensuke's creepy photo business...yeah. It's not as bad as it was in the Rebuild movies, which really took things way over the top, but it's still there.

And honestly, some of it you can get away with. Like, I don't have an issue with the scene between Shinji and Rei in the apartment, or Shinji ogling the girls in their swimsuits, or overhearing Asuka and Misato in the hotspring and having a reaction, because he's a repressed kid full of hormones in a very stressful situation. It makes sense that he would be like that. Same with Asuka's flirty side and how she hangs off of Kaji in a very inappropriate manner. Or Rei's lack of inhibitions. All of these make sense for their characters. I don't even have a problem with how Misato teases Shinji, because she's portrayed as somewhat of an emotionally stunted womanchild.

But when it's not from his or anyone else's point of view and you're just showing fanservice shots of your explicitly underaged characters, it gets kind of, well...

Okay, the point I'm making is...was there like a specific reason for the nude sync test? At all? Did it serve the plot in any way? Yeah, you need them in the plugs to get them out of the way so that the grown-ups could have an episode, but c'mon. Was it really necessary other than to get shots of them naked in their cockpits? Even from a character standpoint, I think Asuka at the very least would have protested more!

I dunno, I know it's a rampant problem in anime and always has been and you kind of need some level of tolerance, but that scene in particular did stand out as a great big, "Why is this happening?" Maybe if it had actually led to something it'd be better, but it didn't.

But Evangelion has always been messy and complicated, and that little bug aside, it's easy to see why it captured so many people's attention when it first came out and still does to this day. Hell, it's definitely consumed my every waking moment as of late.

However, Rei's little existential crisis is any indication, I'm approaching the part where things get really weird, so, that'll be...interesting.

#neon genesis evangelion #shinji ikari #asuka langley soryu #rei ayanami #misato katsuragi #analysis #eva spoilers

[farfromstrange]

Chaos Theory | Michael Kinsella x Reader

Chapter 2: I Know That You Feel Like A Piece Of You’s Dead Inside

Masterlist ° Chapter List

Pairing: Michael Kinsella x Barista!Reader (she/her)

Summary: Your day goes a little less ideal when someone very dear to you messages you after breaking off conversation for a while, and it triggers memories you swallowed for a long time. That evening, Michael stands in front of your door like you agreed on, but he's not okay and he needs to channel his emotions into something else - into you. You just hope you can find a way to talk like adults sometime, but you and he are eerily similar when it comes to hiding your past away from prying eyes and pity.

Warnings: Angst, mentions of child abuse, parental trauma, mentions of death and violence, SMUT, choking, oral (f!receiving), unprotected p in v, praise kink, Michael Kinsella Begging, hurt/comfort (18+ MINORS DNI)

Word Count: 5.3k

A/n: Don't be like Mikey, find healthy coping mechanisms! This is written mostly from Reader's POV. This is about you and your day. The next chapter is going to be about what happened during Michael's day that ultimately lead him to the decision he makes in the end. So it'll be his POV next. Also, can you tell how I make my chapter titles?

You wouldn’t consider your past particularly dark. You don’t want to say it was traumatic because when you look at Oliver, who lost years of his life in prison for a mistake he made when he was a teenager, or Michael, who struggled to accept himself and other things he has yet to tell you about; he lost his wife, he went through hell, he went to prison and he has to live with the weight of the blood on his hands for crimes he committed in the same of his family. He lost custody of his daughter and he struggles to get it back. Whatever else he’s hiding, it must be equally as traumatic if not worse. It changed a lot inside of him, you can tell. It would be weird if it hadn’t, to be honest.

Trauma changes people. 

You don’t want to know about the nightmares, how the pictures of his wife’s death haunt him. What he experienced in prison must be haunting him just the same. But there is something else about him, something he isn’t telling you. 

Your thoughts switch to his daughter. He didn’t say if she was present when the shooting happened. If she was, the poor girl must be traumatized too. How old must she be? They said in the papers that she was just a young girl then, so maybe she is a teenager now, or on her way to becoming one, anyway.

She’s staying with her grandma, and the woman is surely not thrilled that Michael is out of prison, nor would she be thrilled that he is fighting to get custody of his daughter again. It must be so confusing for Anna – that is if she even knows that her father is back – and for Michael as well because he doesn’t know how likely it is that he’d get her back. He knows the chances are slim, but he doesn’t know how slim, and then there is the fear that Anna might not even want to see him. 

He’s troubled and he is lucky that you came around or he would have collapsed under the weight on his shoulders. 

So no, you wouldn’t say you’re traumatized because compared to him, you got lucky. 

Your dad isn’t a drug mule, he just never liked you that much. Over time, you grew used to getting disappointed, so you started trying as hard as you could to make the people in your life stick around. You wanted him to be proud of you.

But you didn’t grow up in a crime family and you never learned how to hurt someone the way Michael did. You can live with your father not liking you; you got used to it. What bugs you though is that after choosing to chase your dream of becoming a writer, you lost what little you had left of the family members who liked you – and now you doubt that you’re making them proud anymore. 

The thoughts didn’t come up without reason. You’re on your lunch break, checking your phone when a message pops up.

A while ago, before you moved all the way across the ocean (and by all the way you mean just a little, considering Ireland is right next to England), you gave your sister, who had just freshly turned twelve, your number. You wanted to keep the lines open if she ever needed anything.

She’s sixteen now, a teenager.

Your sister has always clung to you in one way or another. Even as a baby, when you used to babysit her, you had a certain connection. You were the person she could always count on. The more it hurt you and her when you chose to leave.

The lack of support from your family brought back memories and you had to remove yourself from the narrative to find yourself and learn how to be happy for once in your life because the life you were living back then only made you feel worse. 

The message pops up and you frown. She hasn’t texted you in a while, and part of you figured she might not want to be in contact with you anymore, which made you a little miserable, so you are surprised when her name shows up on the screen.

It is a simple ‘hey’, but it triggers all kinds of alarms in your head. 

You choose to answer the same thing. 

She’s a mystery, that one, because she reads your message, but doesn’t answer. Something in your gut tells you that something isn’t right. You hesitate with pressing the call button. Maybe she accidentally texted you and doesn’t want to hear from you. Maybe you surprised her with your reply because you, as well, didn’t put effort into maintaining the connection. 

Your thoughts are interrupted by Sarah. “Hey, we have a whole bunch of tourists coming in,” she says. “Can ya cut your lunch break short? Oliver and I could use the help.”

You purse your lips before turning off your phone. “Sure,” you say because saying no is not something you are physically capable of. 

She taps the door frame. “Thanks, darling.”

You would call your sister later, you tell yourself. Or maybe she will text you back and you can talk about whatever her dubious text message meant without dancing around it. You just hope she isn’t in any imminent danger or you wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself. 

The workday drags on. It is Sarah’s turn to close up, so you get to go home early. When you drive down the street that leads to your apartment, you pass the gas station that you have learned to avoid; it has a large tendency to get robbed – and now, after learning about Michael, you’re sure it’s just a front for illegal activities.

As you approach, traffic slows down and you find yourself staring at the bright blue lights of several police cars. There is an ambulance, but no one is moving. It’s then you catch a glimpse of the coroner’s car. 

Shit. 

As far as you know, in the past robberies, people only got hurt, not killed. And now someone is dead. You see them rolling the gurney with the body bag out onto the street and into the car. 

Your blood runs cold. 

You want to assure yourself that it’s fine, that it’s none of your business, and that Michael’s family has nothing to do with it, but there is a slight possibility that the Kinsellas could be responsible, and you hate the thought of that. 

The police coordinate traffic and lead you down a different street. It adds a few extra kilometers, but you don’t mind. You just want to get home. 

There are no parking spaces reserved for the residents, which sucks because that means you have to park on the side of the street and sometimes, the only spaces left are a very long way away from your apartment. You still take the five-minute walks; you have no other choice. 

Although when you walk from the starting point of the street to the end where your apartment complex is, your heart starts beating faster. What if you’re being followed? You’re paranoid, you know that, but your optimism goes out the window when you think about the fact that a literal murder has taken place not far from your home and that perhaps, the situation is more dire than you first thought. And you’re not talking about Michael this time. 

He doesn’t once cross your mind as you walk faster, your keys clutched tightly between your fingers. It’s not just the fear of a psychopath roaming the streets (you’re not even sure what happened), it’s the fear of being taken and stripped of your dignity in other ways, and that’s just something you, as a woman, have gotten used to. Still, it makes you shiver when you think about it. 

There is a deadbolt at your door, which had always felt very American to you before and unnecessary, but today, as you step through the door, you shut your door and put the deadbolt in place, locking your front door twice before you even think about taking a breath. 

What did you get yourself into? And what is wrong with you that you now suspect evil in everything that surrounds you? You’re really not sure if it’s because of your sister, the gas station, or Michael. You fear it’s all three and it makes you wonder if Sarah was right with what she said. 

"Promise me that if you smell even the slightest whiff of danger, ya'll walk away?”

You promised her, but you can’t walk away. You can’t run. You’re not even sure if you want to. You like him, you’re curious about where your relationship could go, and he is trying to be better. For his daughter, maybe even for you.

He’s a good guy. He made mistakes, but he told you he wasn’t responsible for his wife’s death and the people he hurt before were sacrifices he made for his family. He hates himself, but you don’t, and the fact you’re so easily falling for him makes this so much harder to think about. But you do. 

The question irks you, is the danger worth it? Are you ready for what’s to come? Do you want to face it? Or do you want to live in denial? 

Man, this sucks. 

But you don’t want to leave, so you’re not going to. You can’t, not even if your life depended on it. You are hopelessly devoted to Michael Kinsella, and the inner conflict the knowledge about his past elicits in you is scary as hell, scarier than falling in love with a man who desperately needs it.

You’re not sure what to say when you call your sister and the line clicks. She whispers a simple, “Hey,” but she sounds so vulnerable now. 

You have a cup of hazelnut coffee in front of you – on ice because you feel that better fits your mood; cold and dead inside – but it doesn’t soothe the act in your chest like it usually does. 

“Hey,” you answer. “It’s been a while… how are you?”

There’s a beat of silence. You imagine her shrugging. “I’m alright,” she lies. You know it’s a lie. 

“Maya, what happened?”

“Dad–”

“Did he hurt you?” Sadly, this is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about him. 

It shouldn’t have to be like that.

She’s quick to reply, “No! No, he didn’t. He wouldn’t–” she says, but cuts herself off. 

He hasn’t hurt her, he never has, but he hurt you, and saying that he wouldn’t isn’t the full truth. He would, just not with her. He loves her.

At first, that made you jealous, feral even, but you are several years apart and she’s just a kid. You’re almost like another parent to her, not just her sister. That’s the curse of being the oldest child, but you took the responsibility the moment she was born and you try to do right by her, always.

Well, you’ve been failing at that lately, and you ignored the nagging feeling in your chest that told you that you were being just as awful as your parents – no, your father.

You didn’t want to be neglectful, but navigating your life isn’t easy, and part of you still lives in denial about everything. You avoid conflict, so you avoid your family. It’s only natural. In your case, at least.

“I snuck out a couple of days ago,” Maya admits quietly. “I didn’t climb out of the window or anything. I told Mom and Dad that I was going to hang out with a friend. But they figured out I lied.”

You know what that’s like. You tried to be the perfect daughter in the past, especially after the first time your father lost it when you went to a party instead of studying. But there is more to it, you can hear it in her voice. 

“I lied and Dad– He put this spyware on my phone–”

“Oh boy,” you mutter under your breath. 

“He told me he wouldn’t pay for this field trip my class has planned and he took my phone for a couple of days,” she says. “But I managed to find it so I could call you. I needed to call you.” Her voice cracks and you can hear she’s starting to cry. Her soft sniffles fill your ears and poison your heart. 

“I’m so sorry,” is all you can say to that. 

That’s why she called; you’re the only one who understands. 

“I didn’t know who else to turn to. I feel so violated…”

“I know what that’s like.”

“I just… I feel so alone. They don’t understand and I–” she breaks off with a sob. “I’m sorry I haven’t called or texted, but I didn’t want to bother you.”

You call her name softly, stopping her right there. “You could never bother me,” you say. 

“But–”

“No buts.”

“Your job and everything, I just thought… never mind.”

“Don’t worry about that. I just wish I could help you.”

The distance makes it hard to comfort her, even though you want nothing more than that. 

“It’s okay, I guess I just needed to hear your voice. I miss you.”

I miss you. It breaks her heart to hear her so hopeless. You want to hug her, pull her out of this hole, but you can’t. She needs you and you can’t be there. You’ve been so busy trying to be happy that you abandoned the one person in your family who cares about you, and who needs you more than anything because you understand what it’s like to have him as a father. It’s vile that you’re here and she’s over there, the distance too wide and the world too big. 

“Yeah,” you murmur, “I miss you too.”

“Thank you. For answering my text and calling back, I mean,” she says. 

“Always.” You pause before making a decision. “Listen, I have some money saved,” you tell her. “It’s not a lot, but if you tell me how much your field trip costs, I can send you the money so you can go.”

You can hear her shake her head against the phone. “I can’t accept that.”

“Yes, you can. You’re my sister. I’ll live.”

Truth is, you’re barely making ends meet, your rent being higher than ever after the latest raise and you need your saving, but she is your sister. You might need to pick up a few extra shifts and do overtime; you can get your money back like that. 

“Thank you,” she sniffles. 

“You’re welcome.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” you say before bidding your goodbyes. “Call me if you need anything else.”

“I will,” Maya says. 

“Good.”

One of these days, you will buy her a plane ticket and take her in because you can’t let her stay where she is now. She doesn’t deserve it. 

There is a knock on your door. You forgot to text Michael that you were off early, so you don’t exactly expect to see him when you open the door. You were wrong. He’s standing there, his hair disheveled as if he’d run his hands through it a million times. He’s carrying a small back and a scowl on his face. 

This can’t be good. 

How you’ve become the address for everyone who needs emotional support, you’re not sure, maybe it’s your helpful nature that draws emotionally damaged people in, but as soon as you see his face, you stop thinking about what you need and focus solely on him. 

It doesn’t matter much now, anyway. 

“Hey,” you say softly. 

He looks up at you with his puppy dog eyes. Looking at him you could easily compare him to a puppy who has been kicked to the curb and left there. When his eyes fall upon your face, something switches in him. His bag drops to the floor just at the entrance and he pushes you into the apartment with full force. 

You gasp when he slams the door shut, pushing you up against the wall, and then his lips find yours in a passionate embrace. 

You push against him. “Mikey,” you breathe against his lips, “What’s wrong?”

This doesn’t feel right. His eagerness to kiss you, to have you. You shouldn’t indulge him, but God, he is such a good kisser, and his hands… They wander over your body and you swear you’re on fire. 

“Doesn’t matter,” he says. “I need ya, pet.”

And the tone of his voice says now. 

“You’re not yourself,” you try to argue, but your body betrays you. 

He pauses, his eyes finally meeting yours, and they seem almost black. “I know,” his voice is raspy, and the heat of the moment dissipates when he leans his forehead against yours. 

You bury your hands in the hair on the nape of his neck, closing your eyes. You don’t quite understand what he needs because he doesn’t talk, he simply stays like this with you for a moment. 

“I need ta forget,” he whispers then. 

Your eyes soften. “Forget what?” you ask. 

“I’m gonna tell ya later, but I need you. I need ya so bad, love. Please.”

He doesn’t touch you though, not without your permission, and that says a lot about the kind of man he is. 

“This is a bad idea. You shouldn’t use sex as a coping mechanism. I–”

“Say you don’t want it and I’ll stop. Right now. But I’m beggin’ ya. Please.”

He begs. Shit. 

His hand cups your cheek. “Please,” he begs again. 

You go weak in the knees. He sounds so wracked already. You can feel him against your inner thigh as he presses his leg between yours, keeping you pinned to the wall with all his might. He’s incredibly strong. 

“I’m–” 

You need him. It’s a voice in your head that screams, and your body yearns for his touch. His hands are still on your hips, and it reminds you of the night you first slept together. He’s good at what he does. And you need him just as badly as he wants you right now. 

“Okay,” you cave. 

“Okay?” he asks to clarify. 

“Yes.”

He exhales. “Thank you.” 

He turns into a needy mess as he bunches your dress up around your waist and gets on his knees before you. Oh, that sight… It’s almost enough to make you come. You’re dripping at this point. It only takes a single touch from him and you can’t help it, your body reacts instantly. 

Michael grabs your thigh, placing it over his shoulder before he simply pulls your underwear aside – he doesn’t waste time taking them off, he doesn’t have the patience for that and to be quite frank, neither do you. 

You throw your head back into the wall when the tip of his tongue circles around your clit. 

“Jesus,” he moans against your slick cunt, “Yer fuckin’ drippin’.”

Just a few seconds ago, he was begging to touch you and now you are the one whining at his words, begging him to give you what you need. 

His tongue flattens over your folds and you moan softly. 

The way he buries his head between your legs looks almost graceful from your point of view. He looks like he is praying, almost, your cunt the altar he worships at. It is wrong to think that way, sinful even and you know you’re going to hell for thinking about God in that context, but you’ve never been the religious kind anyway. 

His moans reverberate. He parts your folds just to dip his tongue into your hole. You clench around him and he moans even more. It vibrates and sends shockwaves through your entire body. The pleasure he gives you is overwhelming and yet you need more. And he does so without asking. 

His tongue grows rapid with its ministrations. He licks at your entrance before moving back to your clit, sucking it into his mouth. He memorized the motions that drive you crazy. It’s muscle memory. 

You reach down to tangle your hand in his hair. Moans tumble from your lips like a symphony. “Mikey,” his name is only a whisper on your lips. 

He lifts his head and looks up at you. “What?”

“You’re too good to me.”

He shudders at the subtle praise. “Let me make ya come, yeah?” And then he turns the tables with a simple comment, “You deserve it.”

“Oh, God–”

He dives back in, and he licks at your pussy with new vigor. He’s desperate, playing with your nerves like you’re a piano and he knows all the keys. Your moans and whimpers are the melodies, and they sound oh-so-sweet. You don’t care anymore about being vocal, and he seems to enjoy it. 

“Good girl,” he growls. “So fuckin’ good–”

Your moan echoes through the apartment. “Mikey, please!”

“Yeah, that’s it. Yer so close, aren’t you?”

“So fuckin’s close,” you answer breathlessly. 

You’re almost there. He drives you higher and higher and higher and–

With a loud cry of his name, your muscles contract, and the orgasm shatters your entire world. It’s intense; your toes curl and you almost lose balance. He holds you up, but you’re shaking like a leaf. Your thigh that’s on his shoulders tries to somehow connect with your other leg to trap him against your cunt, his tongue still relentless in eating up everything you give him. 

Eventually, you push him away. “Too much,” you say. 

He presses an almost tender kiss to the inside of your thigh before setting it back down. You quiver. Michael catches you with his arms around your waist. “You okay?” he asks. 

You nod, holding onto him. 

“Such a good girl.”

You meet his lips halfway, tasting yourself on his lips. 

“I–” He cradles your cheek, but the words he planned to say die before he can utter them. 

Your needy hands struggle with getting his belt open. “What?” you ask. 

“Nothin’.” He helps you get the buckle open and pulls it out of his jeans before his lips are on yours again. 

Michael encourages you to jump into his arms, and he lifts you almost effortlessly. 

“Is this comfortable?” he asks.

Your heart swells. He doesn’t act like he’s about to fuck you against the wall; he’s caring, and you can’t help but get flustered. 

“Yeah,” you breathe, “Just fuck me.”

He would never hesitate to comply with your request. You help him get his cock out of his pants. The position is a bit complicated, but you manage to wrap your hand around his shaft and line him up with your entrance. He sinks you down on him and you drop your head into the crook of his neck. “Fuck,” you moan. He feels too good to be true. 

“Such a fuckin’ good girl,” he says as he starts thrusting up into you, “Take my cock.”

You cling to him as he sets a ruthless pace. It’s no less passionate than the first time, but his cock drives into you harder now. He hits that spot inside of you just right every time, and you can’t help but cry out in ecstasy. His lips part and he lets out a soft grunt. 

He sounds so sweet when he moans. The sound alone makes you clench around his cock, causing him to twitch and change his angle to hit even deeper, and you completely lose it. 

The sounds you let out are lewd, his name tumbling from your lips over and over again like a mantra. The feeling of him inside of you is now etched into your brain. You can’t live without it. You got a taste and now you’re addicted, and you get your fill every time he touches you. 

His hand finds its way around your throat, not choking but simply holding you there. Your hand wraps around his wrist in return. You know exactly what you need. 

“Choke me,” you say. 

He lifts his head only momentarily. “What?” he stutters. 

“Choke me.”

“Ya want me to choke ya, pet?”

“Yes.”

“Fuck!” He feels your pulse jump under his fingers when he finally squeezes, cutting off your air supply and pushing you straight to the precipice. 

“You like that, huh?” He groans into your neck. “Ya like bein’ fucked like this? Chokin’ you, feelin’ my cock in your needy little cunt?”

Who would have thought that his mouth could get any dirtier? 

Your pussy grips him like a vice and the moan you let out resembles a gurgled scream. The wall feels harsh against your back, sweat dripping down your body and making the dress you’re wearing stick to your body. 

Michael sucks your bottom lip into his mouth. The kiss is sloppy; you wouldn’t call it a kiss but rather a desperate fight of lips and tongue, and you clash in the middle. 

You can feel the knot in your stomach tighten. It spreads through your cunt, making you light-headed, and the finish line comes closer and closer and closer–

“Fuck, Mikey, I–” You clench around him once again. “I’m gonna come.”

His fingers dig into your ass cheeks as he lifts you a little higher, allowing your clit to bump against his lower abdomen with every rigorous thrust and you can’t hold it back anymore. 

You come undone around his cock, and your heart jumps out of your chest. 

He grunts, biting down on your shoulder. He’s close too, you can feel it in the way he’s holding onto you, and his cock twitches inside of you. 

He moans your name when he comes, and it’s certainly something else to hear him say it like that, so beside himself and lost in pleasure. 

“God,” he groans. 

You couldn’t have said it better. 

“Fuck,” you return. 

“Pet, what are you doin’ to me?”

You’re not sure what he means by that. 

“I’m fuckin’ addicted to ya.”

Oh. 

“Sorry,” you murmur. 

“No, don’t apologize. I just need to have ya, always, all the fuckin’ time.”

Michael gently sets you down. His cum trickles down your thighs. It’s a feeling of belonging to him that consumes you. 

“You have me,” your voice is barely above a whisper. 

“Yeah,” he smiles, “I do.”

You brush a loose strand of hair out of his face. “You wanna talk now?”

He shakes his head. You expected that. But then he opens his mouth anyway and his question catches you off guard. “Can I stay here?” he asks. “Just for a few days, I– I can’t stand bein’ at home. Alone. My head… it just won’t fuckin’ stop thinkin’.”

But it does with you.

“Will you tell me what happened?” you ask, your eyes holding an incredulous look.

“I– It’s not tha’ easy. I can’t just tell ya tha’.”

“You can try to explain it to me.”

“I get why ya don’t trust me in your home, but–”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, I– I trust you, a lot, actually, but I’m… Yeah, I don’t know what I am.” 

You pull away from him. He doesn’t like to admit it, but Michael is scared. Scared of losing you, scared of scaring you away; he doesn’t want to be someone you’re scared of, but you seem so damn uneasy. 

He reaches out to grab your hand. You let him. With your back turned to him, you try to keep the tears at bay.

It’s too much, you realize, always caring for everyone but yourself, but letting him stay… it is less about him than it is about you. You’re weary. It’s not because of his past – you’re overwhelmed by the feelings you’re having, the changes in your life, and what it means for you. 

You’re scared, but not of him. But how do you tell him that without giving yourself away? It’s stupid, but you have gotten used to keeping things to yourself.

You are the sunshine, the light in everyone’s lives and he needs that version of you, not the one that often gets overrun by darkness. You can’t help him when you’re like that, and you want to help him, you have to, you need to, it’s a natural response at this point. For that, you can’t let it get to you. 

Though the truth and the anxiety that grips you remind you of the past. Perhaps that is the biggest reason you find yourself scared. But you’re not even sure anymore. You’re not sure of anything except that Michael belongs here; he belongs with you, in your arms because that is where he is safest. 

You’re scared of losing him, too. The way he talked about his family and the past… You don’t want him getting dragged into it again, let alone lose him to a stupid mistake, maybe the bullets from a gun– You can’t allow yourself to think like that. Today has been a lot, but it’s not his fault. 

You can’t lose another person you care about. 

“Ya don’t have ta let me stay,” he says quietly. “I could check into a hotel for a night or two ta get away.”

With a soft shake of your head, you turn back around. “Can you be honest with me?” you ask him instead. 

“Can you?” His brown eyes bore into yours. 

You want to tell him that it’s not that easy, and that’s when you realize that it’s the same thing he said and you are no better than him when it comes to keeping your feelings to yourself. 

Your voice breaks the tense silence, “Stay.”

He sucks in a sharp breath. “You mean it? I don’t wanna impose on your privacy if that’s wha’ ya need. I’m not that kind of person. I’ll live.”

How are you so alike and yet so different at the same time?

“Just stay,” you whisper, “with me. Here. For as long as you need to. It’s just… this is all new to me too, even if I don’t seem like it most of the time. I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t trust you. It wasn’t fair. Of course, I trust you, but there are things… I don’t usually share my space with anyone.”

He gets that.

“But I haven’t been fair this morning, and I am sorry for that. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t have to prove yourself to me. This is on me.”

It’s as good as it gets. You don’t know what else to tell him. 

Michael takes a step toward you. His hands find your face and he strokes his thumbs over your cheekbones. Your close your eyes, leaning into the touch. 

He pulls you even closer, his breath hitting your forehead as his lips hover above it. He sighs, or maybe he’s smelling you, you’re not sure, but you can tell he’s fighting an internal battle that he hides behind a cage he doesn’t have the key for. The feelings. memories and thoughts come in, but nothing manages to come out. It’s tricky. You know what it feels like. 

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” his voice cradles your fragile heart. “Yer too good fer me, love. Far too good.”

He leans down to press the softest kiss to your forehead. 

Just minutes ago, you were fucking wildly against the wall, and now? Now he’s kissing your forehead and looking at you like you are the most precious thing he has ever seen, and the pain you felt before dissipates.

Your hands move to his biceps, resting there, stroking them through the fabric of his shirt. His muscles are tense, but his eyes are closed and as he holds you, he looks a little less like the kicked puppy who knocked on your door before shamelessly taking you in the only way he needed you then. 

You sniffle. You don’t want to cry. “Let’s take a shower,” you say. 

He wipes the stray tear from your cheek and nods. “Yeah, sounds grand.”

“And then you can stay.”

“Okay.” The light in his eyes tells you that he is grateful, and you are determined to keep that little flicker of hope alive.

And you truly mean it when you say it; you don’t mind having him around. It’s not just the pleasure. You are drawn to him even more than before. 

But you are playing a dangerous game. There is a reason parents tell their children not to play with fire; they’re going to get burned. 

Tagging: @bellaxgiornata @shouldbestudying41 @your-not-invisible-to-me @glowstick-lesbian @ms-murdockswift @acharliecoxedfan @loveroftoomanyfandoms @mattmurdocksscars @roseallisonparker @1988-fiend @norestfortheshelbywicked

#michael kinsella x reader #michael kinsella x you #michael kinsella #michael kinsella smut #michael kinsella angst #michael kinsella fluff #kin amc #charlie cox #x reader #reader insert #chaos theory #butterfly effect

[baby--charchar]

You mentioned about bedwetting for lil!Charlie? Can you go a bit more in depth please?

Was it something that happened when she was an actual kid? And the regression brought it back or more like the stres of the extermination and everything and one way to handle it is through regression?

Was this something that occurred before or after Vaggie knew about her regression? Do they have plans for when they are going somewhere over night to heaven?

And just any general hcs with lil!Charlie that's related?

Cw: sfw agere, having accidents and using pull ups. Definitely not for everyone and that's totally okay!

I dunno if it's something she struggled with in childhood! Probably no *deep* history with it there.

But it definitely started with stress-induced involuntary regression. If you imagine how many hats Charlie wears metaphorically...she's a business owner, a mentor/counselor, an advocate, somewhat of a political figure... And does she seem like someone who tries to have work/life balance? Poor girl was bound to snap eventually.

Her headspace isn't always so low, but it runs VERY deep. Involuntary regression can feel somewhat akin to dissociation (at least, that's been my own experience), so when her mind slipped into a younger headspace, her body followed suit. She just wasn't picking up on her body's cues, so when she needed to go, it just sorta happened. Regression was embarrassing enough, but the accidents nearly sent her spiraling when they first started. She felt so out of control, something she could NOT afford in her position.

Vaggie was the first to know about her regression, and they both disclosed it to Lucifer soon after. Since they understood Charlie's regression before her accidents started, they were able to "roll with the punches" so to speak. They could discretely get her back to her room, get her clean and changed, start the laundry, and pull her back down from her meltdowns (which ALWAYS happened after an accident).

One or two accidents were whatever, but then they started happening nearly every single day. This worried Vaggie and Lucifer, but Charlie was trying her best to just hold it together and make everything stop. The bedwetting was Vaggie's last straw, because 1) neither she nor Charlie could get good sleep like that, and 2) Charlie's accidents were clearly getting WORSE, and denying that was only going to get Charlie sick or hurt. Vaggie was never unkind, but she really had to put her foot down there. After LOTS of crying, arguing, and demon tantrums, Charlie agreed to try some sort of protection in the form of pull ups.

To be clear, Charlie fucking hates them. Always has, always will. Vaggie thinks they're adorable, but tbh she thinks everything that Baby Charlie does is adorable (sometimes they peek over the waistband of her pajama pants and Vaggie just thinks 'aw, just a baby.🥺').

Deep down though , Charlie knows that they're helping her body. She's getting better sleep, her skin isn't irritated, and her anxiety levels have gone way down. She still hates having accidents, especially while she sleeps, but they make the whole ordeal less traumatic. She often tries to hide her accidents from Vaggie and Lucifer because she's still embarrassed, but tbh she kinda has "a face" she makes when wetting that gives her away. Just a blank little stare. Thankfully they check her often, so she stays clean and healthy.

I also think Vaggie would probably check her in the middle of the night, and master the art of changing Charlie without waking her up.

As far as travel goes, this would probably be the one time Charlie was glad to have her pull ups. There is no way in hell she'd let an angel (God forbid, Lute or Adam) find out about her regression and use it against her.

#hazbin hotel age regression #hazbin hotel agere #cg!lucifer #little!charlie #cg!vaggie #sfw agere

[kenobster]

Okay so I've been watching Higher Ground on youtube (free with ads), and I have some fucking questions. But before we get carried away, please know that, yes, I am aware that Ep 9 is actually Ep 5. A polite youtube commenter on Ep 6 informed me already, so that's fine, it's fine, we're all good now, we figured that out. -deep breaths- 😤 But before that mess even happened, I'd already felt that I missed something... I mean... there were a few indicators, but most notably Ep 4 played a "previously on" recap featuring a scene in which Hayden Christensen calls Shelby a skank... and that scene straight-up doesn't exist in the first three episodes on youtube!? (I mean, idk, I could be wrong, but I feel like calling someone a skank is pretty memorable... And also I frantically rewatched all relevant episodes like four times at this point.) Between Ep 3 and Ep 4, it also felt like I missed the moment when Hayden changed his relationship status from "finally the adults are making me be single" to "canoodling with Juliette after class"... 🤔 (and no, her bringing him an empty cup of water and snuggling up against him in the cafeteria doesn't explain these atrocities.)

I suspect that youtube might have skipped scenes (or maybe even an entire episode) while uploading the show... I know one (1) scene has been skipped for sure. 😒 And fuck, you guys, if they skipped ONE scene, then what if they skipped OTHER scenes? What if they skipped -gulps- scenes that are more relevant to my interests? Specifically scenes involving a certain step-mom of his? Y'all don't even know what kind of tragedy this would be for me T_T

I tried checking an episode list, but IMDb seems to still be under the impression that Ep 5 is called "What Remains" instead of "Hope Falls" ... so that was a washout...🙄 I tried checking wikipedia which does have an accurate ordering of episodes but still no answers regarding Hayden's little love triangle. 😔 So then, I spent an hour scouring the internet with google searches that still yielded no results 😭 So before I resort to impulse-buying some long-ago DVDs, would some kindhearted person maybe explain these inconsistencies to me?🙏 😭

Like, sheesh, I'm just trying to watch so-fucking-attractive-that-I-don't-even-care-if-he's-going-through-puberty Hayden Christensen portray a totally traumatized teenage slut, but now I'm all confused and upset and I don't know what I did in my life to deserve this 😩

#hayden christensen #higher ground tv series #higher ground #scott barringer #shelby merrick #personal #not SW related