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#sometimes I think what a mess i am
deadlypoetacademia · 10 days ago
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I don't like to open up in front of anyone but i can talk to some people for hours. I am always sleepy during the day time yet i never slept before 3 a.m. I am an introvert who loves parties and adventures and wanna explore the world before death.
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crystalkleure · a month ago
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Located my Pokemon Ranger game cartridge, dusted it off, and promptly plowed through the whole thing in one day. Now, why can’t I summon that kind of focus on command for things that are actually useful?
Anyway, I wanted to replay that thing to laugh at the Go-Rock Quads doing dumb shit like setting an important security password as “60” and filling their own currently actively in-use factory full of literal living bombs as an intended safety precaution, but holy shit I forgot there was so much Actual Plot in this fucking thing. I got sucker punched with like, Feelings and Emotions and shit right at the very end. Those last two main-game missions, man. What the fuck. I am SAD.
Spoiler alert but holy shit the Quads are actually Babie™️. I mean yeah, they’re idiot chaos demons who keep making things explode and it’s awesome so obviously I already knew that, but. They aren’t just doing ridiculously overblown ultraviolent bullshit because they’re obnoxious fucking dumbasses...it’s out of desperation.
Their dad's the Actual Malicious Asshole who's just on some assmad vengeance quest to Destroy exactly One (1) old rival of his and fuck up the whole world as collateral, and the Quads are just blindly doing whatever he says because, uh. Billy said something to the effect of Daddy Dearest will not love them anymore if they don't. They gotta be Useful To Their Father and thus Succeed at Doing Violence Real Good or they’ll get straight-up disowned. Bruh? What the fuck??
Like, they’re not even aware of the point to all of the Violence being done. Clyde says so. They are totally in the dark about Gordor’s actual Big Evil Master Plan. They have no fucking clue WHY their dad wants done what he wants done, they just know that they gotta Help Him Do It. Because they’ve been made to believe they are not worthy of his love if they are not useful enough to him. Dude. What the FUCK.
And Garret, the famously Stoic and Calm one, straight-up has a fucking breakdown when you defeat him for the second [and final] time. He started fucking stuttering and wheezing and shit. Because Daddy Won't Love Him Anymore Because He Keeps Getting His Ass Beat. Like, explicitly. My guy had an Actual Literal Panic Attack because his dad was “already losing faith in him” after he failed to protect the factory [...from you, the player], and now he’s gone and failed AGAIN so the thin ice he was standing on just shattered and he freaked. He lied and tried to play off the shaking like he was just Really Fucking Angry, but he was actually scared. The little 💦 effects above his sprite give it away, they weren’t the Pissed Off Steam Cloud effects. The 💦 show up to indicate a character is either sweating profusely or crying. Holy shit I am so sad.
And the whole point of Billy blowing up their own base after losing to the player was that he felt they had nothing left to lose after failing that final time. Potentially killing the ranger that wrecked their lives was just a nice satisfying bonus. He destroyed their whole hideout in fucking despair, and the Quads all ran off to start a whole new life somewhere else so they didn’t have to face their father because they didn’t want to hear him disown them. They were 100% certain that was what was coming and they just couldn’t bear to actually endure it. What the fuck...
Oh. Also. At the very end, right before the Final Boss Fight with Gordor, there's a Go-Rock Grunt you HAVE to beat before facing him, so you have to listen to what he says. [Actually, there are three grunts there, but the one on the mid-right is the only one that matters here.] This specific grunt complains about the fact that he ought to be a higher rank in the team because of his consistently excellent performance, but claims the reason that hasn't happened is...the boss favors his own kids too much. That grunt laments how it's impossible to truly rise to any significant and respected rank in the team if you're not one of the Quads. And this is RIGHT after Billy lost his shit and blew up the base. You hear that grunt say that shit RIGHT after THAT happens. The rest of the Go-Rock Squad thinks Gordor absolutely adores and even spoils his kids, and yet his kids don't feel like he loves them at all...it is highly evident that they are CONSTANTLY fighting for Any Scraps Of Affection from him by just continuously trying to outdo themselves via Extreme Obedience Overkill. These kids are not cherished, they are just the most Desperately Doggedly Obedient and thus useful.
Also! Also! The Quads are fucking attention whores. Like, that's the root of their whole entire Thing. "Hey! Hey!! Stop!! Look at us!! Remember our names!!" etc.; they're a loudass rock band for one, and they like to blow shit up which is also Loud, and they do obnoxious shit like band practice in the parking lot of the Dusk Factory at 2AM which bugs the Fall City locals when they're trying to sleep [according to one instance of an NPC bitching]. These guys Demand All Of The Attention. Positive OR negative. They’re just craving the acknowledgement. And that is...exactly how chronically emotionally neglected children would behave.
I am SO FUCKING SAD.
#AGONY. PAIN EVEN.#The Quads have always been my favourite Ranger characters by FAR...My heart. It hurts.#Pokemon#Pokemon Ranger#Go Rock Quads#I am...disturbed; actually; by the fact that I did not remember so much of the endgame. Because the Quads ARE my favourites.#I was never able to complete this game when I was little; I couldn't get past the stupid flashing floor tile puzzles in the Go Rock base#You know. Those puzzles that you can't even SEE a huge chunk of because they don't fit entirely on the screen.#So you can't get your rhythm and timing down and if you mess up even slightly even once you get chucked back to the beginning.#THOSE floor tile puzzles. They frustrated me to tears when I was young and the stupid background music in that area STILL makes me shake.#Anyway that's important because when I was older I finally looked up a guide on YouTube for that part so I could FINALLY --#-- experience the last part of the game I'd never seen before. I remember doing that! I remember following that video and beating the puzzle#...But everything after that? Black void in my memory. That doesn't make sense. I was so hyped to Unlock The Rest Of The Content --#-- pertaining to my Big Favourite characters. I would have been overjoyed to finally see it. I should have remembered every detail of it.#But I didn't. I still don't. I have no memory of that first time. Aside from a very; very vague little bit of a memory of the final --#-- boss fight[s] against Gordor and the dogs. THAT's faint but it's there. And yet somehow I forgot my favourite characters entirely?#There was even persisting visual evidence that I DID indeed beat the game. Before I started a new file I could see my old one was Rank 10.#In hindsight I know I've lost time like this in various instances throughout my life. I black out sometimes.#It's distressing to realize yet another time it has clearly happened. Especially now that I think I've finally realized what causes it.#But I don't have medical care so I can't get an evaluation + diagnosis. Which is bad because it's kind of uh. Severe and Overwhelming.
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oetravia · 2 months ago
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Every Brainia Scene Ever: 6x04 [1/7]
#supergirl#supergirledit#brainia#brainiaedit#dreamdox#brainiac 5#nia nal#yeah okay this one's a bit of a mess but look at them!#Nia’s background reactions honestly crack me up every time I see them (and I’ll be honest I’ve rewatched all the S6 Brainia scenes a LOT)#and I’m actually quite sad Brainy’s back was to her for both of them - particularly her reaction to the decaf comment#she was about ready to propose marriage at that point let's be honest. Just look at her. 10/10 supportive girlfriend and human meme#Speaking of supportive - because when am I not in the tags on these gifsets - the way they check in on each other throughout this ep#is one of those little details that adds such a layer of intimacy to their relationship#and I especially loved that it was something they were both doing rather than it just being Brainy OR Nia the way it sometimes is#Something I've also really loved in S6 is the way that Brainy's always immediately right by Nia's side whenever she comes out of a dream#(again it's the unconditional support and the way they're so in sync and aware of each other that has my heart in a vice grip)#but I think what I truly loved most about these little partners was seeing Brainy and Nia as a team again#right by each other's side exactly where they belong because they're truly PARTNERS again in all senses of the word#i've missed that side of them so much - almost as much as they did in S5 - and I can't wait to see more in 6B#mine#my gifs#otp: what does love feel like?#*ebs
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gardenerian · 16 hours ago
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Sorry if you've already talked about this, and feel free to ignore this ask if you have already answered it before, but I was wondering what your thoughts are on the whole "monogamy" conversation that Ian and Mickey had, and on episode 7? I'm not bothered by either anymore and treat them as one off's that in the long run mean nothing, but I'm curious as to what your thoughts are, if you don't mind sharing them?
whew okay. first - however anyone wants to feel about them is fine by me. s11 was markedly different from the early seasons, with an obvious decline in quality. if you hated that, i see ya. if you were still vibing, i love that for you. i've finally made my peace with the change. i had my fun, got mad a lot, and now i am just chilling and having a good time with the parts i care about. that kinda informs how i feel about these episodes because honestly? i don't think about them.
both conflicts were good enough ideas. these are conversations longterm couples should have - preferably before they get married but i'll let it slide for them. what are our thoughts on monogamy (and are they compatible?), what about sexual encounters, what are our boundaries, how do we want to exist socially- together and apart? what are our goals??? and i like the idea of them going out together, trying new things, and realizing they're happy as they are right now. i like the idea of them being open to the future. all good in theory. but the execution was not it. for the most part, to me, it's like they didn't happen. they ultimately had no bearing on the rest of the show so 🤷🏻‍♀️
because for a lot of these questions.... i think they already knew the answers. we definitely knew the answers. it's nice to see them work through it (even if i didn't really care for how), but ultimately there are conversations and situations i would have rather seen. the cohesion was missing. the stakes were weird. but i agree, in the long run i'm not too bothered. it's over, we can just do what we want now.
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ghostorbconnoisseur · a month ago
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Oh no i Have now gone and got myself Fucked Up thinking about emotion related size shifting
#ibis's stuff has been hittin me good and hard in the heart and i am. emotional! today!!#idk just. this aint really a post i wanna make outside of tags bc i dont rlly want it to be That Seen even if i do wanna share it#but theres a very specific thing i think about a lot. a gt themed comfort strategy for when. yknow#i dont really know how to word it without just coming out and saying it uhhhh panic attacks. anxiety. that shit#it makes me feel small. very. in a very real and oppresive sense#when it happens i just imagine myself BIG like its a defence mechanism#like it comforts me thinking about just being huge and untouchable#but like. ive mentioned it before. the daydream of being so big nothing u cant hide anymore but also nothing ur scared of can hurt u#its that same thing from that post i made abt it#but like....what if it was a size shifting response to anxiety. like it just activates#its both a really good like. way to express my feelings abt that situation#while ALSO being a comforting thought. idk!#sorry! fucking christ almighty thats a bummer aint it im sorry bout that. im in some kind of mood lately#also like. the idea in general of having a physical change happen so you cant hide emotions anymore#haha A i would be a fucking mess but also theres something....comforting and nice abt the idea of almost being forced to face ur emotions#like??? does that make sense to anybody but me???#i think i just like the idea of being Unable to hide emotion a lil. cuz sometimes u dont have the courage to show emotion#and u need smth to like. BANG! make it obvious to others! i think thats what i rlly like abt it rn#idk. i am having Emotions over someone elses Idea and i feel very silly for it but!!#sometimes smth resonates with u and. it has. ok by im embarrased abt this now!!! aah!#ALSO i can never tell how my tone comes across but for clarification:#fucked up in a good way! sofd emotions!
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itspileofgoodthings · a month ago
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Lady Marchmain should have let Sebastian go to jail over the drunk driving thing. Or, at the very least, should have stopped short of any mode of trying to get out of the consequences of his own actions that was dishonest. Things would have been a million times better if she had let things play out as they were going to without her interference. In this essay I will
#brideshead revisited#I mean probably not the most original take#but it’s such a failing on her part#my mom was watching it and she was like ‘yeah I could have become her’#and I know what she means okay? it’s not like her actions are inscrutable or you can’t have any sympathy there#but if there’s one thing my mom would never ever ever do it is getting her kids out of things by cheating#because 1) it’s wrong and 2) it’s actually so unfair to the person who messed up#sometimes you have to let justice play out!!!!!!#I mean you definitely do when there is no other way but LYING#I mean I know I’m stuck on this but this is really what GALLS ME#it isn’t that she doesn’t understand Sebastian or can’t sympathize with him#and it’s not that she doesn’t probably have real trauma from the time with his dad#it’s the fact that she’ll cut moral corners WHEN SHE FREAKING FEELS LIKE IT TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS#it’s the lack of integrity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#this is why even though I can’t totally remember#I think I really love bridey!!#because with all that he is he isn’t unfair. he doesn’t cheat.#he’s just not ‘charming’ which has its own charm and protection#lady marchmain would not be in the mess she’s in if she weren’t charming#also just as a final thought: obviously I am not laying all of Sebastian’s actions at her door#he’s suffering a lot but he also still makes his own choices and is responsible#but that’s kind of exactly what she won’t believe about him#when he tells Charles he won’t do anything because ‘they’ll do it all’ it’s so so so true and horrible
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storybook-souls · 2 months ago
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mmmm okay sorry everyone you’re probably gonna get a few more posts like this bc i feel weird just dming one individual person like “hi want some extremely heavy shit dropped on you” but also if i don’t talk about my feelings and thoughts in a place where people can see i can’t understand them, apparently,
#death cw#i Cannot figure out if i want to just be filling my mind with every possible other thing i can fixate on so i Don't Have To Think#or if i want to sit on my kitchen floor and drink mint tea and listen to the entirety of life of the world to come#like i was doing last year#and i also can't figure out what i'm SUPPOSED to be doing what to people usually DO with grief how am i SUPPOSED to handle it#and i know the real answer is there's probably no 'supposed to' etc etc but have we considered i like instructions.#christ okay just answered a bit of my own question here bc isaiah 45:23 came on and i almost shattered entirely#i feel like what i'm SUPPOSED to do is i should have gone home this weekend and like. idk hugged my mom or walked around our hometown#or went to the cemetary or something but have we considered also why the FUCK would i do that to myself is the thing#but that's probably 'processing' i'm probably supposed to 'process' or something instead of just distracting myself forever#i also am as usual oscillating between 'i should be coping better' and 'i should be doing worse actually'#bc sometimes it's like 'death is just something everyone has to deal with and as far as having someone very close to u die goes#things could have been so much worse! we Knew it was coming and i got to hug my mom immediately'#and it's been a year now which means things are supposed to get EASIER right??? right?????#but then on the other hand it's like. jesus christ one year ago i was sitting by my 23 year old best friend's literal deathbed#didn't hold his hand bc i knew he Hated holding hands so even tho he was asleep it felt wrong#said a whole bunch of Something that i *know* meant something i *know* i said everything i was gonna say but i don't. remember a single word#left his house planning to come back the next day and then not even an hour later he was dead#and that's fucking INSANE actually i KNOW everyone has to deal with it but maybe no one should have to deal with something like that ever#and THEN i start analyzing the levels of my own love like. maybe i SHOULD be more of a mess maybe it means my love wasn't strong#or something#maybe the fact that i'm Coping Pretty Well and always have been means i didn't love him enough#and then also WHY am i constantly analyzing how i should or should not be feeling or coping who am i PERFORMING FOR#anyone who reads these tumblr tags?????? my mom who texted me briefly last night to ask how i was doing and then didn't answer me?????#god???? the passive ideal of Other People???? myself?????? all of the above?????#if there was EVER a situation to be feeling things authentically SURELY it would be this one but then i'd. well then i'd actually have to BE#feeling things authentically and honestly instead of whatever fucking performing i'm doing for literally no one#but i'd sure way rather be all detached and analytical about My Own Interiority than have to think REAL thoughts!#hhhhhhhhhh ok ok ok no more thinking about this i think#fuck!!!!! fuck. i miss my friend and i feel like i'm doing everything wrong somehow. even by making it About Me i'm doing everything wrong
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toomuchdickfort · 3 months ago
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Ah. The nearby fireworks begin, I see
#will probably have to cut the date short tomorrow seeing as like. anxious. and last time I was caught out in a storm I freaked out worrying#about the dogs and fireworks are worse. and also I’m scared of the dark and like. he’s sweet but idk if I wanna be out after dark w him. its#not a hum thing its a ‘there’s very few people I’d be comfortable being alone with after dark and 99% of them are close family’#and he was talking about hanging out in that back area by the underpass? and idk how to explain to him that like. it’s not that I don’t#trust him? but I don’t trust him that much and sometimes even in bros daylight being out of the way that much and surrounded by plants gives#me a very intense ‘about to be brutally killed’ vibe#googles how to tell this man that I’ve got a Lot More Issues than he thinks and he’s gonna have to bear with me and my fear but like. withou#taking several months to do it like w the last person that I talked about this mess to.#told ima and opa about my windows thing and they basically went ‘oh yeah you need therapy’ like yes I am aware there are things wrong with#me but they’re not just gonna fo away so we’ve gotta deal with the ways around them alright. if I need to sleep on the floor so your windows#aren’t staring at me then I need to sleep on the floor. that was the plan anyways.#if I need to cut the date short because I’m not comfortable being out that late especially without a lot of witnesses then I need to cut the#date short early. and when I brought it up he was like ‘I’ll protect you’ and like yes that is sweet but we are going to be unarmed and that#DOESNT do shit against a theoretical killer or very large bear that’s decided that I look tasty now is it.#anyway we’re probably gonna walk back to my place from work and I’ll see if I can talk mom into letting him chill in the living room for a#bit. we didn’t get tickets to the local 4th thing so I don’t really entirely know what we’re gonna be doing beyond walking? and like. I#gotta talk abt stuff or I’m gonna Combust. and also I’m currently kind of freaking out a little Bc I have a bad feeling abt all of this and#it could be in part me getting a lil worked up Bc I’m actually putting shit into words but.#don't mind me#i’m just complaining
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whentherewerebicycles · 6 months ago
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#really intense advising meeting this morning#i don't really want to process it on the internet (i made macky listen to a little tiny bit of processing)#but sometimes i am good at my job & feel deeply that i am engaged in meaningful and purposeful work#one thing that helped me prepare for this mtg was venting my frustrations in writing first - letting myself have the least generous reaction#and then taking ten very very slow 'in for 4 - hold 4 - out for 8' breaths#and then writing down my core values for engaging with students (to remind myself of how i want to be present with kids)#and then writing down a list of three things that i thought were really important for us to grapple with in the meeting#and then spending some time thinking about how i could bring the two lists together: the core values/practices of engaging students +#the hard truths/helping the student take accountability#and then i came up with a little exercise for us to do so that i wasn't lecturing the student but was asking questions#and giving them lots of space to talk through it and arrive at an answer organically#the impulse to lecture is strong especially when you feel like someone has really messed up a situation and you want to jump in#and immediately tell them how to 'fix' it#but i remind myself: that is not learning - that is just telling#and also just my understanding of the situation or my assumptions about what's going on with the kid are often wrong or incomplete#i want to record this because i think that method of preparing for the meeting was really helpful#and the meeting itself was emotionally heavy but i think really helped us both understand the other better#but yeah ok. what the preparing allowed me to do was#to vent all the negative/frustrated/'why didn't this WORK' feelings first - expressing them instead of repressing them#so that they didn't end up leaking out as disapproval or castigation in the meeting - bc i made space for myself to express them#and then the breathing thing helped me create some separation between the angry brain and the calm compassionate brain#reconnecting with & reminding myself of my core values for engaging with kids helped me not get stuck on the 'problem' we were meeting about#but instead approach the meeting in a more holistic way - focused in empathetic listening & not assuming i know what's going on &#on being an emotionally steady consistent non-punishing person in a kid's life#and all of that combined with making the list of the tough love/hard truths we needed to address#helped ground the compassion - or like helped me remember that#compassionate teaching and mentoring isn't about 'letting kids off the hook' or communicating to them that choices don't have consequences#but is actually about helping them understand and work through the consequences of any choice (positive and negative) in an empathetic way#giving them space to make their own mistakes and then providing a safe/compassionate space for them to emotionally process failure &#take accountability for their actions & reflect on what the experience has taught them
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splenderai · 16 days ago
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#no need to read i just need to vent#i don't even know if it'll help but i guess it's better than keeping it all in#why do i even mess up the simple things... i know i'm new but i shouldn't be screwing up something that fucking easy... how did i miss it#they're not mad but gosh why am i so incompetent and irrelevant and embarrassing and such a waste of space it's physically painful at times#to think about this shit like anyone offering a free lobotomy because it'd be nice to not have to think for a hot second my goodness#why am i here why am i here why am i here why am i here why am i here#plus i'm sick and tired of feeling... i don't want to keep yearning for something i'm never going to get.... i'll never matter to them#that's okay ! it's okay ! it should be okay ! but it's not ! i want to matter to them... i want to know how they think of me...#but i don't because wow they probably are tired of me and don't want me to interact with them because why would they honestly...#what do i even have to offer... it'd be more entertaining to watch paint dry than interact with me... there's nothing to like about me !#i want to think i'm nice but am i really just nice because i literally have nothing else ? i have no talents no interests worth sharing#i don't do anything interesting i am the most boring person you'll meet it's sad really#i want to dig my fingers into my windpipe and stop breathing sometimes or tear the skin off my face with my fingernails#or just curl up in a ball and try to sleep so i can just be unconscious instead because at least then the thoughts can stop for a while#i'm just feeling a lot and not having a good time... if you've read this far well i'm sorry you have to see this wretched side of me#that's just me ! awful and horrible and insignificant and worthless and cringeworthy and pathetic#words with min#delete later
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belsumu · 5 months ago
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#apollo’s.rants#oh wow i hope none of y’all meet me irl i am insufferable#but anyway i’ve felt like crying or throwing up for the past few hours and i don’t know why.#summer’s either gonna be fun-ish or hell and it’s a 50/50 chance at this point. my sister’s making it worse on everyone cause she#intentionally tries to piss off our parents and i’m the one that has to clean up the mess. i’m exhausted to the point where i just dont care#this is the first time i’ve had an actual friend group that includes me in shit but she’s in it too and she just ruins everything#she’s just flat out MEAN to one of the guys in our group- he thinks she hates him and he’s a genuinely kind guy#and she calls it ‘empowering’ or some shit like shut the fuck up you wouldn’t know empowerment if it bit you in the ass#i told her aot was written by a facist and she said ‘no’ like tf? i convinced her but she doesn’t analyze her media at all. she probably has#adhd but if she gets diagnosed she’ll use it as an excuse for everything. she’s 14 and she wants to be a stipper. like what the genuine fuck#i just wish she didn’t exist sometimes- and if that makes me a bad person so fucking be it. some of y’all don’t understand how exhausting it#is to constantly take care of someone that isn’t your fucking responsibility in the first place. ‘oH [deadname] yoURe sO MaTuRe’ thanks mom#it’s the emotional trauma you’re putting me through. and i’m going to be a junior next year. and that’s fucking terrifying#i have to start applying for colleges and i’m so scared of being alone but i want to be away from my family. but if loneliness is the cost#of getting away from here i’ll pay it without a single moment of hesitation#ugh and one of my friends is making me uncomfortable and i don’t know how to tell em to leave me alone. and i can’t even get a full breath#in most of the day. shortness of breath is now a symptom of being me i guess? n i read somewhere that it’s a symptom of an anxiety or panic#attack. which is fan-fuckin-tastic btw. and i think i made another one of my online friends uncomfortable so i’ll just back away from them#for a bit if you’re reading this and you know who you are i’m sorry if i did. and i’m feeling so many things yet also nothing at the same#time. it’s great i hate it. anyway i feel like crying or throwing up but i’m probably just gonna stay up until 1 am#don’t respond please unless you’re the one friend i think i pissed off#vent in tags
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hellroots · 29 days ago
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i know i sound crazy when i say this ( and tbh i probably am, considering we are talking about a lunatic with saviour complex here but anyway ) i do find it oddly compelling the bonds masha has built with both frances and carmel - idk man, they got something there, something raw you know ? amongst all that tripping, all those manipulations, they are one of the few things there that feel tangible; that feel real.  while i know masha is crazy, and what she’s doing is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS, i do believe she was genuine in her intention ? sure, she did wanna use the marconis for her own benefit but ?? the others ? she had no use for them, she could’ve easily only picked people who had lost their loved ones, but she didn’t. she wants to help them, her intentions are good - but we all know that hell is filled of those. i do think the tranquillium experience was very transformative for these characters, and that goes both as a good and a bad thing there. i just - i have a lot of feelings between masha and the girls, ‘kay ? 
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