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#sometimes i cant believe (just like) starting over exists
warmspice · 1 year
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3.? If you want
x Do you really think there is somebody for everybody?
mmmm kind of yes? I think there could potentially be? I don't believe in soulmates or anything like that but if I've learned one thing on the internet it's that many people have a large variety of tastes and there's honestly probably someone out there who will like you and the things that you do. Like statistically, there are so many people in the world that a person would be able to find people who are like them, or who like them for who they are.
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celaenaeiln · 21 days
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who do you think each bats' favourite sibling is canonically? i haven't seen much about this outside of super fanon stuff so i'm curious
Let's start with the easiest one!
Tim - Dick
Tim's favorite sibling but also favorite person ever is unquestionably, undoubtedly Dick. This boy adores his big brother. He's full-on obsessed with him.
His thoughts on Dick are just a compilation of praises about him and his inner dialogue simply consists of a series of hero worship.
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Robin (1993) Issue #32
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Red Robin Issue #23
Sometimes I ponder about Dick and Tim's relationship because I feel like what Tim wants from Dick isn't just a brother, I feel like he wants him to be a parent which is part of the reason why Tim and Damian don't get along.
Because the truth is, before Damian came along, Tim was Dick's robin first. And Tim loved it.
(This post was on hold for months because I needed that exact panel where Tim says to Dick "It's obvious he wants us to be the new batman and Robin." BuT i CaNt FiNd It. I literally give up, if anyone know what panel I'm referring to people reblog it with the panel and I'll upload it with the post)
Dick was Tim's Robin and everything he did he wanted to live up to him
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Batman/Catwoman: The Gotham War: Scorched Earth
Look at what he says about Dick:
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Batman: A Lonely Place of Dying
Even before Dick and Tim met again, Tim started working out just so he could be like his idol. Tim literally says to Dick "My grades are okay but I studied because I wanted to just like you."
You know what they say about idols and pedestals and never meeting your heroes? The opposite is true for Tim about Dick. After meeting Dick for the second time, his idol worship grew so much it shattered every ceiling in existence.
Tim loves him so so much. People sometimes misunderstand and think that Tim hated Dick when he fired him from Robin but it wasn't hate that Tim felt. It was jealousy. Jealousy over Dick choosing Damian over him.
Tim even solely used the Red Robin persona for the mere reason that he didn't want to dirty Dick's Robin by stigmatizing it with his less ethical actions.
Damian - Dick
Obviously. The only reason I said Tim was the easiest is because Tim's inner and outer thoughts about Dick can be complied to create volumes of fanbooks of flowing poetry about him. Damian on the other hand is more of a tsundere, but there's still only one person who he loves aside from his father and even more than.
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Robin War Issue #1
If there were any doubts, I don't think this panel could be any clearer about who Damian's favorite is.
Stephanie - Cass
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Batgirl (2000) Issue #38
Cass - Stephanie
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Batgirls (2016) Issue #14
Damn.
Steph and Cass are each other's favorites
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Detective Comics (1937) Issue #945
Duke - noone? everyone?
Like actually I can't pick out one person Duke likes the best. You're either on his wavelength or he's snarking you off it. He's the type of guy where everyone likes him and he's chilling by himself, doing whatever he wants.
Jason - Dick
Out of the batkids who did deal with Jason during his worst phase, Dick is unilaterally his favorite. Sometimes when I think about Jason's relationship with Bruce, I'm reminded of how much Jason and Bruce are alike sometimes because Jason's view on Dick is almost identical to Bruce's view on Dick and they even have similar reactions. We all know that Bruce hero-worships Dick. Time and time again, Bruce emphasizes, stresses, and talks about how amazing Dick is and how he's so much better than him, and constantly places Dick on a pedestal. The issue comes when Dick doesn't want to do what Bruce wants him to do because he believes that Dick is an extension of himself, his better half, and he's furious when Dick doesn't follow or accept what he's doing because Dick should know what Bruce is trying to do because he's supposed to be better than him, how dare he stop him, etc.
Jason acts in similar ways to Dick. There's a whole issue where Jason gets fear gassed and one of his biggest fears is Dick. More specifically, it's about how amazing Dick is and never living up to him because in Jason's eyes, Dick is absolutely perfect. There is no one better than him because he is the peak of everything. He places Dick on the highest pedestal there is and he kind of safeguards Dick there in his heart. He used to get really angry because he believes Dick is the best but also refuses to let Dick be anything other than the best. The best way I have to explain them is Jason holding Dick prisoner as a result of his hero worship.
Once Jason is slightly calmer, his relationship dynamics with everyone became really clear, as well as what he thinks of them and it's shown how the way he treats Dick is just different.
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Task Force Z Issue #8
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Grayson Issue #12
"You don't do that to your--you don't do that to another Robin!"
He was going to say brother 🥺🥺
In this scene, it's pretty obvious that Jason loves Dick a lot but he's obviously not going to be all fuzzy feelings about it because he likes to be edgy. Jason's a little confusing in general for people to understand because they expect him to be nice and open but Jason's not nice, he's just nicer to the people he likes. Once we start understanding that, he becomes clearer.
And to Dick -
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Nightwing (2016) Issue #15
-He's exceptionally nicer.
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DC's Ghouls Just Wanna Have Fun Issue #1
Another example of why Jason loves Dick the most is because in the comics, Jason doesn't work with anyone in the family unless he has to unless it's Dick because he chooses to work with Dick by choice.
Dick - Tim or Damian
Dick adores Tim so freaking much. He loves him so, so much.
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Nightwing (1996) Issue #139
Catch me crying behind my sunglasses at Dick kissing Tim's head lovingly 😭
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Robin (1993) Issue #12
I just love these soft touch moments Dick has with Tim. It's so incredibly sweet.
He was Tim's mentor
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The New Titans (1988) Issue #65
and a really good one too.
He loves him-
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Detective Comics (1937) Issue #696
-so much.
(I'd add more panels but I ran out of image space :'0)
I genuinely cannot say who he loves more at all. I can't even pick. I really do think he loves them evenly because when I think about leaning one side, more evidence comes to mind for the other side like a pair of counter weights.
Damian...I don't really need to say any words because the pictures speak for themselves
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Batman (2016) Issue #34
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Grayson Issue #12
aldskjdhkdjfhldfah;dh. Look at what he gave his son! A souvenir from the first time his dad met his mom because Dick knows how much Damian loves his parents <333!! There's nothing I can even say more.
Here's my previous post on Dick and Damian's relationship.
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whalesforhands · 9 months
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love LOVE loveyour latest stsg x reader fics.. something about them brings me so much comfort bc i just Knowww those two are constantly up to no good. and when it involves a certain oblivious, unsure, not so confident reader? they are sooo evil and i think so much teasing comes up between them so theyre always coming up with ways to tease her and get her all flustered for them. it probably starts with satoru who she caught his eyes first.. ever since then he probably makes it his mission to torment her and follow her like a puppy. and suguru notices that every time she appeara its like he doesn’t exist to satoru! hes not jealous no… if anything he becomes even More obsessed than satoru! and probably a more quiet eviler person to her!!! cant argue w me that suguru is probably the more cunning of the two!! anyways satoru teases her and she runs to suguru for help but hes evil and indulges in satoru’s playfulness so he doesnt give in!! sometimes he does!!
but oh my shoko… my beautiful shoko my lovely lady i love her. and reader is probably infuriated with her but having two overgrown lizards constantly bothering her.. i bet its hard for shoko to have reader all to herself …but!! reader has the biggest soft spot for her obviously she makes time for shoko and shoko 100% uses that to her advantage to bully the two bullies themselves that she has reader wrapped around her finger hah! reader can wear something really cute and maybe more revealing than most days and shoko will just rub herself over reader and the two boys will frown like kids getting their candy stolen :))) thru all of this, reader is clueless and just believes that shoko loves her!
anyways i love your writing so much!
anon, ur so sexy for being my first ever ask and it’s so detailed and long too. u deserve this fic.
eat up
laundry mishap (gojo x reader x geto, shoko x reader)
warnings: you let shoko grope you (willingly), 17+ rating, gojo and geto are hopeless, shoko is so attractive i’m going to scream, aftermath of my AO3 withdrawals
You steps were unsteady, hand desperately pressed onto the hem of your much shorter skirt, it’s length just hitting your mid-thigh as your unsteady gait made you stumble.
Your thigh-highs did little to cover your more exposed legs, unknowingly showing the zettai ryoiki to the world as the socks clung to your flesh, subtly highlighting the sexiness and shapeliness of your legs.
Your school blazer clung ever so tight to your figure, showing each curve and wind of your body. Much too different from your usual loose, ill-fitting uniform. Usually so baggy, your figure was so… Boxy looking.
“Do you ever get tired of looking like a sloth?”
Gojo inquired, staring you down through his sunglasses as he looked over your form. Your long skirt hung to your knees, blazer hanging off your form. The sleeves were so long they nearly swallowed your hands, stopping just shy of your palm as you crossed your arms protectively over yourself, as if embarrassed of your uniform choice.
“I’m just… More comfortable like this, Gojo-san…” You murmur, eyes casting downwards towards the floor. Did you really look… Bad? Was that why Gojo commented on your clothes? Did they really look as horrible as you thoug-
“Don’t tease her Satoru, I think she looks cute.” Suguru smiled, watching with glee as he watched you flinch, eyes growing wide and your face stance turning shy as your eyes finally left the ground, turning to face his own.
A cute, upwards quirk of your lips, polite and unsure, as if you didn’t believe him.
“Thank you, Suguru.”
Foolish, you were so foolish to trust Shoko with your laundry for the week.
“It only shrunk just a little!”
Your skirt is too short. That’s fine. You have stockings, they’ll cover them.
“Ah. Your… Stockings, you say?” Shoko tapped a thoughtful finger on her chin in mock thought. A hand tucked behind her back as she tapped her foot. She lets out a nervous huff, pulling out ripped, torn, absolutely devastated remains of your poor stockings.
“You can forgive me because I’m cute, right?”
(You did, in fact, forgive her because she was cute. And because she bought you your favourite chocolate milk from that specific vending machine at that very specific timing you claim has the best tasting milk.)
You huffed a little from running through the halls, the clock just about to hit 8:30 as you slid open the backdoor, attempting to make a sneaky entrance and slide into your seat next to Ieiri a quick and easy feat.
If counting how 4 pairs of eyes were solely trained on you for a summer draft accidentally slamming the door closed behind you counted as ‘sneaky’ anyway.
(Two pairs were absolutely shocked at your way of dress, whilst one was gloating with pride as she took in the sight of you before her. The last pair was apathetic and was more interested in trying to finish the class.)
“(last name), how quaint of you to finally join us. Take your seat.” Yaga-sensei drawled out, turning back around to the blackboard.
“Ahem, where was I?” He looks towards his notebook. “Ah, right. So Imperial Japan existed from 1868, the beginning of the Mei-“
You shyly hurried to Shoko’s side, watching her smirk as you blushed desperately, holding down your skirt and not noticing the two gazes basically pinning their eyes to you. Stuck gazes, watching the way your ‘new’ uniform highlighted your now more exposed frame. The way it clung tight to your chest, the fat of your thighs exposed from your skirt, the way your thigh-highs tightened around-
“Ieiri,” You whispered. “I feel naked…” You let out a quiet whine, adding to the two boys’ building frustration and wild imaginations.
“I think you look great.” The girl began. “So pretty.” She placed her hand on you, her fingers traced your sock-clad leg. “I didn’t know you had these.” Her fingers gently traced the outline of the sock.
You giggled. A quiet, cute melody. “Right?” Your voice barely above a whisper as you grabbed her hand to place it directly on your exposed thigh skin. “I got them a while ago, their quality is absolutely unmatched!”
Surprising all three at once as you let Shoko touch and explore to her heart’s content. Gojo audibly gulped as he watched Shoko’s fingers squeeze and play with the fat of your thigh, the zettai ryoiki absolutely driving him mad. He couldn’t possibly look away now.
Oh, how he would die to have his face buried in between the plushness of your legs as your hand tangled in his hair, begging, pleading him to stop because you just couldn’t handle it any-
Why were you looking at him so anxiously?
“Gojo.” The imposing figure of Yaga-sensei stood before his desk. “Since you can’t listen, you can stand outside for the rest of the lesson.”
Dammit.
Whilst Suguru was laughing at Satoru’s plight, he was fading no better at the sight of Shoko groping your legs. Especially not when you so adorably turned to face him, your eyes lighting up with a smile and shyly waving at him in greeting.
How he would love to turn that smile of yours into desperate whines as those legs of yours wrapped around his hips, bouncing and whining for him to let you co-
“Ah, Yaga-sensei. I can answer this one.” He raised his hand, regrettably turning his head away from you to participate in class.
Suguru has a gentleman’s role to play in front of you, afterall.
——
The bell rung, signalling the start of the lunch hour as Gojo finally strolled back into the classroom after getting a lecture from Yaga-sensei.
You caused him to get in trouble with how hot you looked today! (Not that he’s going to use that as an excuse in front of Yaga, of course.)
Compounded by his irritation and his lack of getting to ogle at you, Gojo was pissed. Especially when he saw you giggling at Shoko as Suguru stood by your desk, his arm brushing against your shoulder as you idly chatted with the both of them with the prettiest smile on your face.
Your glittery eyes caught sight of him walking towards you, an even prettier smile making its way onto your face. (Gojo was about to implode from cuteness. He cannot think right. His mind was on autopilot.)
“Ah, Gojo-san, good mor-“
“What, you gonna go to a strip club or something afterwards? What’s with the get-up?”
Ouch. Your smile slowly dropped as the weight of his words stung you. Subconsciously, your hands came around to wrap yourself in a self-hug.
Suguru stepped in. “Satoru, what the fuck? That was rude.” He stood in front of you almost protectively, shielding you from Gojo’s sight.
“What? Is she dressing like that to impress someon-“ Geto shoved the imposing boy.
Shoko’s turn. “Wow, way to impress girls, jerk.” Her stare was narrowed, eyes piercing and cutting into the white-haired sorcerer.
Suguru sighed. “Listen, man, that wasn’t cool. Cut th-“
“Suguru! It’s okay!” You didn’t want them to fight. Not because of you. You let out a little nervous laugh, arms tightening around yourself. “I- I probably look- Bad. I know. It’s a bit too new t-to me as well…”
The three looked at you, two with worry, and the last with regretful dejection. He shouldn’t just kept his mouth shut.
You stood up, still hugging yourself. “L-let’s get lunch, shall we?” Shoko’s arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you close to her side as she began to lift your mood, chatting with you as the other 2 followed quietly behind.
Your skirt swished and swayed attractively as you walked, Shoko’s hand now around your waist as you began to laugh again, your voice a little bit more free, less constrained from your creeping insecurities and want to escape.
Did you really look that ugly…? You hope your new uniform order comes soon, you don’t want to be in this getup anymore if it-
You felt Shoko’s hand smack against your ass, yelping as you jumped slightly from the shock. Your eyes widened comically, you definitely weren’t expecting that whilst mid-conversation about clothes of all things.
(The audience behind you was seething in jealously.)
“Ieiri…! That’s in-inappropriate !” Your shy stuttering was so cute to her.
“And you,” Shoko began, her hand curling tighter around your waist. “Are the hottest thing I’ve seen today.” She grinned lazily. “Don’t sell yourself short, pretty.”
Ieiri is so attractive. Your blush encompassed your entire face as you looked away shyly, unable to hold her intense gaze.
“Y-you’re prettier…” You shyly began.
“Hmm? Can’t hear you.”
“Ieiri is the prettiest!”
——
Behind you, Geto was unabashedly tearing into Gojo.
“Real charming move today.”
“She- I- I tried to be funny.” Gojo paused, hands tucked into his pockets. “Saw how you were makin’ her laugh so much.”
“So funny, that nobody even laughed.” Geto let out a sigh. “We’re both gonna lose her favour if you keep that shit up.”
Gojo kept his silence, thinking back to the way you shrunk back into yourself. The way you lost your happy glow almost instantaneously. The way your eyes lost their shine, the shakiness of your hands.
He felt bad. He definitely feels bad. He doesn’t want to be the cause of your sadness.
“Shit. What do I do in these situations, Suguru?”
——
“Hey.” You stopped in your tracks, whirling around only to face the Gojo Satoru.
Holding… A bouquet of roses and a carton of milk.
He cleared his throat, pumping his chest up as he pushed the flowers up towards you.
“You’re… Not a stripper.”
(Hidden behind the corridor’s walls, Geto was facepalming and screaming internally.)
You stare at the flowers, at the carton of your favourite chocolate milk that Gojo had opened and drank from.
“Take them.” He shoved the bouquet in your face. “It’s for you.”
You confusedly accept them, holding them in both your arms as you looked up at the tall boy.
“Thank you… But… Why?” Are you being pranked right now?
“Apology. Duh.” Gojo paused, taking a sip for courage from the milk that was meant for you. “For, ya know… Saying you were trying to impress someone.”
You stay silent, eyes casting to the pretty bouquet.
“You look pretty today, by the way. Prettier than the flowers.”
Your eyes widened. The Gojo Satoru… Giving you a compliment? Your eyes shot towards him, only to find him scratching his head, glasses having fallen down slightly, revealing crystal blue eyes that were avoiding your gaze.
He’s cute.
You laugh. Out loud, free, and without restraint.
“Thank you, Gojo-san!”
Gojo thinks he’s never going to forget this sight.
masterlist
Notes:
You do not have any romantic feelings for Gojo or Geto at this moment, but you greatly, greatly admire them for their strength.
Shoko erupts the closest feeling to ‘being in love’ for you. You think you have a crush on her here.
Geto spent 2 hours teaching Gojo about all the things he knew about you, in order for him to form a proper apology to you on his own.
As Gojo approached you from afar with your favourite drink in hand and flowers, he got too nervous. He drank your milk himself to build courage, completely forgetting it was meant for you.
Shoko thinks of you as a cute existence. Lively, interesting and amusing to her daily life.
Gojo fell for you first, and Geto second, but Geto was more proactive and got closer to you first.
Gojo is insufferable. He thinks he’s cool but he’s just being an ass.
comment more pls, i really like feedback on my writings instead of just likes :(
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authorizedpope · 10 months
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like, medical gaslighting isnt just having your concerns dismissed. doctors being dismissive is actually still awful and gets people killed so im definitely not downplaying the seriousness of doctors just not giving a shit. but when i say i was medically gaslit i mean i literally had doctors trying for years to convince me that i was mentally ill, and that as a result of that mental illness i could not trust my own senses and lived experience. and then denying me care on the basis of the mental illness they invented. i feel like sometimes when i say to people that ive experienced medical gaslighting they think im saying that my doctors were dismissive or called me a liar, which did also happen and was also fucking awful. but they also very much, very literally, completely fucked up my perception of my own lived experience and my ability to contextualise basic aspects of my physical reality to the point where my understanding of what Pain actually is was totally warped by adulthood.
And because nobody who hasn't been through it actually takes it seriously when you tell them what its like to live as someone with a complex, difficult to test for chronic illness, or just as Literally Anyone of any marginalized group trying to access Healthcare... i didn't even know that what happened to me growing up was a form of medical abuse. because when you tell someone 'my doctor said this horrible thing, can you believe that?' their automatic response is 'well.... but like.... they have a medical degree. do you?' so the power dynamic that puts you, the sick person, as the lowest most untrustworthy authority on your body is just reinforced constantly by a society that desperately needs to believe that if they were the sick one, of course their doctor would help them and treat them with compassion and care. and they cant believe that if you're out here existing as living proof of a broken system. so yeah 'do you have a medical degree? no? well, idk, maybe the doctor is right and you're the one who doesn't get it. i mean, medical degrees equal omnipotence and completely negation of human bias, right?'
im lucky because i had parents who kept taking me to the doctor when i asked, even if the doctors told them nothing was wrong. im lucky because my mum always remembered the time she had hepatitis as a kid and nobody believed her until she was hopelessly ill. or how her sister had a collapsed lung and the doctor sent her home saying she was exaggerating and just had a cold. im lucky because even when my mum did actually believe the doctors that there wasn't really anything wrong with me because she didn't really know better, she kept that thought to herself and still listened to me, every time, just in case. just so i knew i was being heard. im lucky because im a stubborn, anti authoritarian bitch by nature AND nurture, so i came out of all this with a strong capacity for self advocacy.
and even then, it STILL fucked me up in ways that im only now beginning to understand. im starting to realize why every time i feel im not being listened to, i get so angry i could scream and i stay angry for a ridiculous, disproportionate amount of time. why a friend questioning me when i talk about something ive lived, even lightheartedly, makes me lose several nights sleep and ill still be thinking about it months later. why every time a doctor hears my diagnosis and preemptively assures me they believe me (because they know how many of their colleagues would have said otherwise) i immediately start sobbing. i never even recognized these things as triggers until recently. because this abuse was at the behest of a system, and perpetuated by many people and not a single individual, i didn't conceptualize of it as being abuse. i didn't conceptualize of it as being trauma. but it was. i think im finally getting it now, that being in pain my whole life and being told over and over that it wasn't real and there was something fundamentally wrong with me for thinking it was... yeah. i think that was traumatic to a developing mind. shocker, right?
medical gaslighting is gaslighting, in the real sense of the word. it has lasting effects on a person's sense of self and capacity to trust in authority of any kind, especially medical professionals. especially when you do that shit to a little kid, who has no way to know what 'normal' feels like because they were born sick and never knew different.
and the irony is, i actually DID have serious depression growing up. but because all of my physical symptoms were so readily dismissed as mental health issues (not that i was ever actually offered mental health care, mind you. they didn't want to help me, they wanted me to be someone elses problem) I knew that if i ever admitted i had depression, my chances at treating my physical illness would be 0. they would never ever listen to me again. so i was forced, as a kid, to hide life threatening depression because if i admitted to it, i would lose access to any hope of treating my physical pain. thats a hell of a choice to put on a child. im still scared to admit having occasional depressive episodes to doctors because im afraid that if i do, they'll take away all my medications, even though my condition is diagnosed and well documented by now. and some doctors absolutely try to do exactly that, but i know enough now to find a new doctor as soon as anyone tries that shit.
but it shouldnt have to be this hard. and im white, seen as a cis woman (actually nonbinary but i dont tell them that), relatively thin, and in a country with universal Healthcare. for anyone with any additional axes of marginalization, especially if they are Indigenous or black and especially if they are fat, it's so much worse. for any kid with parents who don't know better than to blindly trust doctors. for anyone who's response to trauma is to get quiet instead of getting mad. for so many people, medical gaslighting is not just an obstacle, it's an impenetrable fortress that cuts them off from ever getting the care they need or having the tools to advocate for that care. and that can be a death sentence.
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sakura-hayashii · 1 month
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02.23.24 - 2:12 am
“you know… sometimes if i close my eyes and concentrate hard enough… i can still hear your voice calling out to me.” she starts. “please, dont–” she doesnt let him finish. “sometimes im glad that i remember the sound of your voice… it brings me comfort during the times i need it the most. but other than those times, i wish i never knew what the sound of your voice was to begin with. i still hear you calling my name… but in the the way you used to say it, the way that made me believe in love. but now every time i hear my name… my heart knows its no longer the same.” “i dont understand… why?” he says as he looks down. it was almost as if he was talking to himself. “because you rarely called me by my name. you would always call me love or baby… but rarely by my actual name. but when you called me by my name… you made me feel like i just won the lottery. you would shout my name out as you ran toward me after not seeing each other in a while… each time it would make my heart burst with joy. you would chant my name out loud for all to hear when you were proud of me… each time my heart would burst with joy. you would gasp my name when we were laughing so hard we were crying and could no longer breathe… each time my heart would burst with joy. you would repeat my name in a sing-song voice when you had good news to tell me… each time my heart would burst with joy. but my favorite time you would say my name was when i pretended to be asleep. you would tuck my hair behind my ear and kiss my forehead… then whisper “i love you sakura,” and my heart would burst with joy… each and every time.” she forces out. she swallows the lump in her throat as she holds herself back from choking on her tears. “so what happens when i say your name now… sakura?” he murmurs while avoiding eye contact. but she could already see it in his eyes, the desperation of trying to hold in his tears. she smiles a little to herself, knowing that the things she was sharing were getting through to him. “my heart just burst… but no longer with joy–” “so now… whenever i hear my name, it no longer holds the same meaning that it once did. its the name of someone who no longer exists… its the name of someone who was happily in love. so now… all i hear when i hear my name is you saying “i cant do this any more sakura.” but instead of my heart bursting, my heart breaks a little more and more each time.” “im sorry sakura.” he looks up at her with tears in his eyes. she nods her head and turns away before he can read her eyes.
“yeah… that one too… i hear that sometimes, too.” she says then walks away. he cant see her face, but he can hear it in her voice. the sound of her tears. but the loudest sound he could hear was the sound of her heart breaking as it shattered in her chest all over again.
- S.H. // things ive never said #9 (via 2amthoughts)
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elcpsstuff · 8 months
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The Summer I Remembered You (C.F) (Part 14)
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A/N: Went through a tidal wave of emotions writing this but enjoy 😉 Also poor yn had the shittiest birthday
Synopsis: After affects of the party are worse then anyone thought, Frankie talks to Conrad, and with the rain comes realizations in cousins.
“Yn..”
My eyes opened but only slightly because the light made me go crazy. My head began to pound and my vision still wasn’t the best. What had happened? What-
Oh. Oh Fuck.
Thoughts of the party begin to resurface my mind and that’s when I see Laurel waving a hand in my face. I was in my room. I didn’t even have to look around to see, I could smell it.
I sat up on my bed and the pounding only got worse because Laurel just continued to scream some nonsense.
“Are you even listening to me?”
I rub my eyes while Laurel looks at me, waiting for a response. “What.. what’s going on?” Is all I can manage to mutter.
“Oh I’ll tell you what’s going on.” She begins, “Me and Susannah decided to let you kids have fun last night so we left, but that didn’t ever imply you all THROWING a party?!”
I shake my head and stand up, but I’m forced to grab onto my night stand because my head begins to spin again.
“I can’t believe you. What were you thinking?!” The walls are thin and i’m pretty sure everybody can hear us, but it didn’t matter because anger filled my lungs and everything around me.
“Your seriously going to blame this all on me? It was all of our ideas!”
“Yeah, right. It’s your birthday yn! For fucks sake what’s wrong with you! Cant you at least be a little bit responsible?!”
Classic Laurel. Putting blame on the only child that didn’t actually come from her.
“Laurel please—”
“I don’t wanna hear it, your in big shit right now.”
“I can’t believe you? This was on everyone, not just me. God, I already know you hate me and wish I was in the car that night with my parents, but can’t you—”
Smack.
The last thing I saw was Laurels hand coming to my face and a burn coming over my left cheek before I fell. I heard a gasp come from the hallway. I was on the floor now and just realized how pathetic I look. How stupid this all really is.
I slowly got up and to my surprise Laurel looks terrible. That only made me feel worse and ai pushed my way past her, ignoring any calls.
Conrad, Belly, and Jeremiah were all in the hallway and my cheek was flaming red at this point.
“yn—”
“Don’t.” I shake my head at Belly and rush down the stairs, tears streaming my face. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I just wanted to cry. Cry forever.
Conrad POV:
I wanted to go after her, but i’m sure that’s the last thing she would want. I felt horrible. For her. She was right, Laurel never gave her the time of day. It’s not her fault things happened.
After a couple of minutes I walked down the stairs to see the house a mess. Steven, Frankie, and Taylor were all cleaning up.
Steven locks eyes with me and sheds a half smile, “Hey man.”
I nod awkwardly, “Hey.”
Frankie and Taylor don’t even acknowledge my existence, which wasn’t really surprising. I picked up a garbage bag and started to work, knowing that’s the best option for right now.
Eventually, I slowly made my way over to Frankie and cleared my throat to get her attention. She didn’t look amused.
“What?” She says.
“Have you uh- talked to yn?” I rub the back of my neck and Frankie shakes her head, picking up a empty vodka bottle and tossing it.
“No, she went to the beach, I think Jeremiah or Belly went after her.” Oh.
“Okay.” I say.
We go back to working silently but I stay close in case she decides to say something else. She does.
“Why couldn’t you let it be?”
I furrow my eyebrows, “What?”
“Don’t act like that Conrad. Why couldn’t you let her forget about you?” She whispers.
I swallow the guilt in my throat because I now know what she’s talking about and sometimes I wonder the same thing, “I- I don’t—”
“I- but no, Conrad. I’ve tried to get yn to forget about you but she can’t, so I thought maybe he cares about her but all i’ve been hearing is what an ass you’ve been all summer long.”
“Fra—”
“Shut up, okay? Either you end things, whatever it is, or you actually commit to her. At least have some dignity.”
She didn’t give me a chance to talk because she walks away. The worse part it is, she’s right.
Here I am sat on the beach, my head between my hands with a pounding headache. Was this my endgame? A life alone and eventually I would just drift out to sea?
“Still here?” I turn my head to see Jeremiah sitting down next to me and I look back out at the ocean. Not many things were said, the silence was defeating.
“Barely.” I whisper. I see him nod a little bit and shuffle closer to me, “I’m sorry about earlier.”
There were a lot of things to be sorry about, on all of our parts. We’ve all done stuff we’re not proud of, that’s for sure. How do we even come back from it?
“Laurel was right. I’ve been such a bitch.”
“No, yn, it’s not fair to put that much pressure on someone. We all threw this party.” He brushed my shoulder with his and I know he’s right. Deep down.
“Have you talked to Conrad?”
Jeremiah shakes his head, “No, and I really don’t want to.” I go to open my mouth but eventually decided against it.
“So it’s true, what happened between you two?”
I sigh, rubbing my eyes again. “It’s not something i’m proud of, okay?” I fiddle with my fingers and wait for him to respond. He could at least give me that.
“It doesn’t just affect you two, yn.” My face turns a bright before facing him again, and I can’t tell if he’s being smug or genuine.
I dig my hands through the sand, but not too deep because I don’t want to risk pulling out a crab. It happened when I was 10 and I never wanna feel it again.
“Then who does it affect? Because I feel pretty shitty right now.” The words come out of my mouth like sour milk and I can’t help but feel bad. It’s not really his fault. Any of this. It’s on me and Conrad and I know that.
“All of us, yn. Seriously it does. You might not notice it but you and Conrad have been acting weird all summer and it’s pretty obvious.” He stands up, wiping sand off of his pants.
I follow his actions, “So this is all my fault now?”
“I never meant that, okay? I’m just saying that you and Conrad need to figure your stuff out before it’s too late, you get me?”
I did. So I nodded. It didn’t take him long after that to walk away and I was left in a ocean of my own thoughts, that would one day eat me up. I think that day was coming because as soon as Jeremiah left I kneeled to the ground and a pool of disgust and guilt came out of me.
Our punishment was followed later that day. Which was basically house arrest for 3 days. I felt terrible because my whole trip with Frankie was ruined and this wasn’t the experience I wanted for her. I blamed myself for that.
Taylor’s parents were still out of town so she stayed, but later that night me and Frankie made the decision for her to leave.
“I hate we have to cut this short.” I mope.
“I know, but this feels more familial now, you know? I’m still a call away.” I know she’s right and I hate it so instead of words i engulf her in a giant hug. We stay like that for a while until she walks out the door. I felt like crying. Just endlessly crying until I couldn’t anymore.
Just as If things couldn’t get any worse, it started to rain that night. We were still cleaning up the house and the walls from the night before, and the rain made me irritated. I hated rain. It scared me when it poured down too hard but it was just a light drizzle at first.
Everyone was silent but i didn’t mind. Me and Belly didn’t even look at each other but I could see her in my rear view.
Getting ready for bed that night was the worst because we still had 3 long days ahead of us and we couldn’t even swim because of the rain. Thunder and lighting began and I shivered in my bed.
That’s when I felt a ding in my pocket and pulled it out to see a text.
Conrad: are you okay??
Even in times like these he still remembered. I said yes and then put my phone on the nightstand and went to bed.
The next day out it was pouring. We always take it as a bad sign when it rains in cousins because it never happens. But I guess this is the only way we’ll learn.
Taylor and Belly stayed in her room all day and I only went downstairs to eat a couple of times. Jeremiah played video games but after a while I could even see how bored he was. He was always so full of energy but he looked drained.
Sometimes I heard Conrad string a tune on the guitar. Our rooms were close and sometimes I would close my eyes and even fall asleep to the tune. That day I did.
When I woke up it was 8 at night and no one was downstairs. It occurred to me how much of a reck this house was. Susannah shed a smile occasionally but nothing else. Laurel hadn’t even talked to me. Until today.
I found her sitting on the couch with a bottle of wine and when she saw me I went to turn away but her facial expression said otherwise. Like she wanted to talk to me.
So I sat on the couch, a little far from her because I really don’t feel like getting slapped again.
“I’m sorry.” We’re the last words I expected to come out but they did. They were vulnerable and pure words.
“I’m sorry.” I repeat and she shakes her head moving closer to me. “I shouldn’t have slapped you.” For a moment I contemplated saying your right but that would ruin the moment.
“It’s not all your fault, okay? Nothing is.”
“It’s just hard.” I whisper. “All of it.”
“I know.”
And then I was sobbing in Laurel’s arms for a good 10 minutes. The tears from the outdoors had soaked into my eyes. It was refreshing.
That night the rain got worse and Laurel and Susannah had to stay up and call the dads in case of a flood to know what to do. The windows in my room banged and I felt terrified. So terrified that my mind led me to one place.
I knocked on his door so lightly in hopes no one would hear. When he didn’t answer I couldn’t help but peer through the door a little. He was sleeping like an angel so who was I to bother? I go to leave but hear a faint voice:
“Come in.”
I didn’t know if I was dreaming but when I opened the door a little more Conrad was there with a sleepy face. It was only 11:30 but everyone seemed to be sleeping earlier these past few days.
I close the door lightly, “Sorry to bother..” Truthfully I didn’t know if he wanted to see me. I felt like coming here. I always used to during thunder storms.
“Cant sleep?” He read my mind. Fast. I nodded quickly and to my surprise he opens his arms motioning me to get on the bed. That’s when I locked the door so no one would come in and get the wrong idea.
I got in slowly and Conrad didn’t hesitate to pull me closer to him and wrap his arms around me. My head was spinning but in a good way.
I nuzzled my face into his shoulder and I felt him kiss the top of my head. Lighting and thunder struck again but I didn’t feel so scared anymore. Conrad would just hold me tighter. That night on the beach replayed in my head for a while before drifting off to sleep.
The next morning the rain had calmed down for an hour or so, but there was a light drizzle. I knew outside would smell horrible and the pool would need a deep cleaning. To my surprise we didn’t flood.
I was wrapped up in Conrad’s arms. A smile was on his face and when I moved a little he held me even tighter.
“Not yet, please.” I knew what he meant. As soon as I left his room, out those doors everything would be the same. I didn’t want that either. So I nodded and played with his hair while he kissed my jaw.
In all the madness, there was still Conrad. That I knew.
That day me and Belly talked. It was only a few words but it was something. I was getting a popsicle from the fridge when I turned around to see Belly at the counter.
“Want something?” Was all I could muster.
“The milk.” She replies softly.
I nod and hand it to her, closing the fridge.
I didn’t want to leave but I didn’t know if she wanted to talk to me either. Either one was awkward.
“I wonder if the rains ever gonna stop, we can’t even swim.” She says it with a small smile on her face and that’s how I knew we would be okay.
That night Laurel pulled us all into the living room and scolded us for our behavior which was a long time coming. She told us our punishment would be done after today, a day earlier which was nice but considering the rain, we still were locked inside.
Conrad and Jeremiah talked, I think. They weren’t as awkward anymore. Taylor would occasionally try and flirt with Steven too.
Later that night in bed, the rain wasn’t too bad. It made me hopeful, especially when I got a text from Conrad to come in his room. When I closed the door to his room, it wasn’t even a question to jump into his bed.
We were tangled with each other. His arms were around me while stroking my face and I felt much more comfort than I had in a while. We talked a little but it was mostly silent. Until he spoke up.
“I’m sorry about a couple of nights ago, at the beach.” I didn’t know what he was sorry for, saying he loved me, or fighting.
“It’s okay—”
“It’s not, you were right. I should’ve— I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. Not with you.” He mumbles it against my hair which sends tingles throughout my body.
I stayed silent.
“I did mean it though. What I said.”
“What?”
“You know.”
I did know. I love you. Please.
The rest of the night was spent whispering in Conrad’s ear and he even placed a kiss under my ear in my weak spot, making me feel weak. It was a risky game, what we were doing.
“I think the rain might stop.” I mumble.
“Mm, really?”
“Yes, really.”
Soon enough I was fast asleep but I didn’t miss the kiss on my cheek. These days had been a absolute blur, but something did come out of them.
A/N: Y’all 😏 Anyone like the little season 2 spin I added on this? Next chapter coming very soon and another series 🤞🏻
tag list: @kkrenae @callsignwidow @drikawinchester @johannelis2302nely @allnrsnz @galaxy13sworld @paytonloiselle @i-think-you-are-gr8 @imaspecialpersonwhoneedshelp @awatt31 @user0440822
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comicaurora · 10 months
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hii hello 👋 just wanted to start by saying that the comic is still so cool interesting and I love how things are progressing so far, at first I wasn't sure if i was going to enjoy the current arc as much but its honestly really enganging with the bits of Falst backstory being revealed, seeing Dainix in action and put in situations, and also more interactions of the party members without Kendal really being present there (i love him sm but its interesting to see how the group dynamic is starting to really shape up, even though falst and dainix have only known each other for like a day(?), putting them in a perilous situation is a really good choice we can see open guy and closed off guy interacting and its so !! its cool) also the lighting for the cave with the fire and the ancient tech is great!
(this is already such a long ask im so sorry)
but ... speaking of ancient tech, i wanted to know how much of it has survived? we know that Erin's bag of holding is also Ancient made (iirc), and so is the storm pedestal, but is there still some other known Ancient tech used in the world? are there also significant populations/communities of people with Ancient ancestry that have gathered and do they have most of the access to that tech? If they do exist, are they more of a closed-off community or are they kind of subsumed into the local population (of ppl with no Ancient ancestry and stuff) ?
tl;dr really digging the current arc i love zombie dungeon funtime adventure. more info abt ancient tech / ppl descended from ancients pls?
anyway thank you very much and have a good day ^_^ love your work Red and it's honestly amazing how far the comic has progressed and the community's grown over the past 3-4 years ! (damn i cant believe 2019 was 4 years ago)
glad you're having fun! dropping dorks down a hole for Character Development is always a fun idea
Most Ancient stuff is in ruins, but the automatons are quite sturdy, especially the stuff created in the final days of the civil war. Ancient war machines will sometimes reactivate and un-bury themselves, wreaking havoc based on long-belayed and half-remembered orders. Dainix's desert home deals with these on occasion, which is why he's familiar with the basics of how they work.
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Most Ancient tech works in ways that nobody has quite figured out how to replicate, but it can sometimes be repurposed if it's well-preserved enough - although the fact that most Ancient tech reacts with alarms at the presence of humans and elves makes it pretty hard for most people to make them do anything particularly useful. Things like Erin's bag are rare but not unbelievably so - there seem to have been a lot of them, and they're hard to break.
Ancient ancestry has been almost entirely subsumed into the overall population, and it almost never presents in any visible way - just about its only telltale signs are unusual height, and the combo of earthtone-skin and light-earthtone-hair with pale jeweltone-eyes, which is not naturally found in uninfluenced humans or elves and is rarely found even in elementally adapted populations of either (elves can have jeweltone eyes but always have skytone skin, typically patterned; influenced humans like crystal-caste will have jeweltone eyes and hair; etc)
Ancient tech responding positively to anyone is quite rare, and typically occurs in people who seem to have a significant number of Ancient ancestors on both sides of their family and consequently visibly resemble the phenotype to an unusual degree. It's very difficult to measure this sort of thing, but the general rule of thumb seems to be that a person needs to be at least 10% of Ancient descent before the tech doesn't panic on sight, and at least 20% in order for it to actually respond to them in any meaningful way. So the equivalent of one Ancient great-grandparent would work as a bare minimum, which doesn't sound too bad - unless you start doing the math of how many generations have actually passed since there were a surplus of Ancients around.
After the Ancient civil war ended and the "cave-folk" left the Singing Caves, there were barely a thousand Ancients left alive and scattered across the northern continents, in contrast to hundreds of thousands of humans and elves. And since this was over 4000 years ago, with generations happening at a rough average of three per century, there have been over 120 generations since the Emergence. One way to look at this is that every person of the Elder Races currently alive is a descendant of some set of those people alive at the Emergence, 120 generations back - they had kids 119 generations back, those kids had kids 118 generations back, etc etc, eventually leading to a person alive today whose great-great-great-(115-more-greats) grandparents were all around at the Emergence. However, this numbers game gets complicated when we do the basic math of asking "how many (118-greats)-grandparents would anyone have)" and find the answer is 2^120, or a little over 1 undecillion, which is a one with 36 zeroes after it, which is a billion billion billion billions. This many people have never been alive anywhere, because the uncomfortable truth is that after a certain number of generations back everyone's family trees stop forking and start looping, though if it happens far enough back it's not a genetic liability like it is in certain colonizing nations' royal families. So this math is already falling apart, but it is giving us some idea of how catastrophically unlikely it is for someone's Emergence-era ancestry to beat the odds and have enough Ancient make it to the modern day to be detectable.
To dramatically simplify the math and pretend generations are cleanly delineated at 3/century (and that genetics actually works like clean 50%s every time, or even that genetics as we understand it applies to this fictional fantasy world), at the time of the Emergence, the world population was around 0.1% Ancient, and in order for a modern person to make the tech work for them, their first-generation ancestry - the sum of all those Emergence people whose descendants eventually produced this kid, weighted to account for the people who are technically the 118-great-grandparents multiple times over thanks to family tree loops - needed to be at least 10-20% Ancient. It's not impossible, and there were parts of the world where the Ancient population at the Emergence was easily that high, but they're likely to be vastly outnumbered in the rest of the pile of 118-greats-grandparents as the family tree approximately doubles in size every generation.
So it happens, but it's rare and getting rarer. Most people in this field are instead trying to crack how to reprogram or build automaton control units from scratch, rather than dealing with them freaking out all the time.
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cin-cant-donate-blood · 7 months
Text
Today we're learning about criminals, prostitutes, secret languages and medieval heretical sects!
I want to rant about Swedish etymology, specifically regarding the word bög. It is pronounced a bit like "beg," but with the lips pursed to an O and with a long vowel (IPA: \bøːg\).
The word means "gay man" and occupies a somewhat complicated place somewhere between a slur and the established word for homosexuality. I don't really like the phonoaesthetics of the word, but then again, perhaps I just had it hurled at me one too many times in elementary school.
Anyway, etymology.
There are two main competing etymologies for this word. I'll start with the one that I think is less likely: that the word is related to English bugger and French bougre. These words have been used in various parts of Europe to mean "sodomite" for centuries, deriving from accusations leveled at the Bogomil and Cathar heresies by the Catholic Church during the medieval period. These groups were gnostics, and (according to the Church) hated the sinful physical world to the point of being antinatalists: people who believe having children is morally wrong. So far this might in theory be true, but they were also quite dubiously accused of encouraging sodomy among followers to this end. The word bugger itself is presumed to either come from Bogomil or Bulgarian, since the Balkans were the origin point of these heresies.
We know for a fact that the word was borrowed into Swedish as buger (bugern, bugrar, bugrarna) around 1900, a word used by, among others, Swedish literary titan August Strindberg. That's also where the etymology for bög becomes a bit troublesome, because bög does not appear to have been a warping of the pronunciation of this word: it is already known to have existed in the Swedish lexicon at this time.
The alternate explanation goes back to the knallar, peddlers in particularly mid-southern Sweden (Västergötland/Westrogothia) who walked door to door selling whatever they could carry with them in the countryside. These people saw their peak around the 18th and 19th centuries, before declining into obscurity at the start of the 20th. These wandering salesmen are a fascinating topic in their own right, but what's particularly important for us is their secret language, Månsing (sometimes Monsing). The Swedish language has a rich and fascinating vocabulary of words I like to call "permanent slang." These words come from thieves' cants, the secret languages of professionals (such as Månsing and Knoparmoj, the chimneysweep language), and several minority languages like Yiddish and Romani Chib. Well-known Swedish words like tjej (girl), jycke (dog) and sno (steal) are all regarded as slang in the public eye, even though the words have been in use for well over a century, if not several centuries. Since slang is usually either quickly invented and forgotten or incorporated into standard language, this is very interesting in my opinion.
One such source for "permanent slang" is Månsing. The language is extinct now, and only caught the attention of linguists when it was already in decline, but we still have a few hundred vocabulary words documented, and one of the oldest and most widespread is bögis. This word bears a striking resemblance bög, and the -is ending is a very common Swedish diminuitive, probably first introduced in Månsing where it was probably borrowed from latin, such as in the Månsing word for dog, kanis (from canis). This ending was then (perhaps humorously) added to other words, like jamis, cat (from the Swedish verb jama, to meow).
The problem is the meaning of the word. Bögis does not mean gay, sodomite, or anything of the sort, it means peasant or farmer. The related word bögishäck means farm, and so on.
The reason why this is still a plausible origin of bög has to do with the relationship these peddlers had with farm owners. The knallar were seen as anything from semi-honest traders to downright scam artists and smugglers, so what would farmers have been from their perspective? Either prospective customers or potential victims to mislead and make money off of. This use of the word bögis came to enter city slang, where it took on a new meaning among people who had different life experiences.
In the late 19th century, slang and cant dictionaries start reporting the word bögis or bög as being part of the lexicon of the lower layers of the growing city of Stockholm. The "lumpen," the thieves and prostitutes, used the word to either mean "someone who is easily fooled" or as a synonym for "mark" or "target," that is, someone you intend to either sell something to, or rob. The connection to the way the knallar used it is fairly obvious.
Over time, the word came to usually refer specifically to the customer of a prostitute, and eventually specifically one of a male prostitute, and then also the male prostitute himself, though the path there was long. In the early 20th century, bög was still competing with the previously mentioned buger, as well as with sodomit, kvinnohatare (woman-hater), homofil, homos, and several words relating to pederasty.
By the 1910s it appears that bög was winning out, and as the gay movement came to Sweden in the 70s, the word began to be reclaimed by activists, though the exact level of offense the word carries is still a bit complicated, as mentioned.
This etymology makes bög a sister word to the English word gay, which was also originally slang used in growing cities by thieves and prostitutes. It also connects it to schwul, a German word with a similar story.
This also gives us an interesting social history of the LGBT+ movement: perhaps the reason why queer rights became an issue in the 20th century is because there was no such thing as a queer subculture until the 19th century, and the reason why it emerged then is very specifically because that's the when big U Urbanizarion took place, and thus when urban crime and underground communities emerged, which have a very distinct character from their rural counterparts. In other words, maybe big cities led to the emegence of an underclass of thieves and prostitutes, and maybe we have thieves and prostitues to thank for queer rights today! That's just a speculation, though.
My main source today was the work of Fredik Silverstolpe, who has researched swedish queer history for decades. I can give you some links if you DM me, but they are all in Swedish.
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effervescentdragon · 5 months
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The whole Daniel thing has made me think about how drivers that say dumb misogynistic things get treated by the fandom. If you're talking about Hulkenberg or Perez, then they're ruthlessly mocked for it (and rightly so imo), but if its a driver people like, like Danny Ric or Kimi, people seem to bend over backwards to defend them and find reasons to justify what they said. Idk, is it that both are part of very popular ships, where Hulkenberg and Perez aren't? I have a lot of thoughts, but I also have the flu so they're not the most organised (I hope ur having a good evening I love ur blog)
Hello! I think it comes down to the strength of their fanbase and their popularity in general.
Now, i can only speak about the ecosystem.of tumblr because i refuse to go near shitter in general and instagram in any fandomish way, and i do have these debated with my irls sometimes, so keep that in mind.
Firstly, Daniel, Kimi, even Seb (i refuse to leave out my misogynistic king of spewing dumb shit about grid girls who did, eventually, learn better, or at least finally learned not to say that shit in public) are very well liked, popular drivers. Namely, only two of them are wdcs and the third one never will be, but Daniel does have a devout fanbase and his former talent and potential as a driver must be acknowledged. With all those things come the fanbases, which are all prone to idolising their blorbo in any and every motherfucking way possible. Nobody is immune to this and obviously you'll be more ready to make excuses for your pathetic meow meow than for someone you dislike; thats a normal human sports fan fact. However if you look at Checo and Hulkenberg (there is only One True Nico in the sport and his surname is Girlbossberg), their fanbases aren't big, if they even exist on tumblr, or so I believe, unless I have missed a whole part of fandom existing somewhere in my bubble?
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Moving on.
Now however, i do think there's difference in fanbases too ngl. We obviously dont all like the same drivers, some are more appealing to whatever attracts us than the others, and let's just say that birds of feather flock together and leave it at that. (A.N. so many people are sooooo wromg about their characterisations of most drivers but that's also my personal biases at work.)
So what I see here is that more popular drivera will have more fans quantiatively first and foremost (qualitative analysis: cancelled because of the imminent death of the author), ans those fans will be ready to take up arms and fight for their (white) boy millionaire. This brings the fans into some lovely personally-induced logical fallacies, like we've seen in the past couple od days. Now, im not gonna preach moral.high ground here like some because i am well aware of what kind of men thse people are (context is everything beloveds), but i will say this. People are prone to so many conscious amd unconscious biases which take a long while to dismantle. That's not an easy job, and when you project onto someone (valid) and develop a personal (to you, and not to generalise but oftentimes also a parasocial) relationship with a celebrity, you start taking things personally. Now this, id say from personal experience, would be the time to go take a walk. Snort some grass. Ride a bull and all that.
Amyways my point was, round the elbow to the wrist (or was it shoulder? i cant rmbr), that people will always rather defend their fave, no matter how shitty he is, than whichever driver they dislike. This is not uncommon; this is human nature.
I will add that a lot of fans (i dont know anything about their demographic) don't know the line between "following/thirsting over a hot dude" and the dangers of a parasocial relationship. My issue with it all is that what they do when thay feel threatened is deflect blame feom their special boy to literally anyone else, and that results in everyone who disagrees with this apparent popular consensus becomes a target of a witch hunt. Some people would rather go around attacking other's well-crticulated and above all well acessible target. Posts and people than call -- OKAY up to this point is what I wrote last night before I passed out like a log. I havent changed anything, which shows in lacking any sentence structure and missing words, so let me continue because I vaguely remember what I wanted to say.
My problem is that it's not personal, and people act as it is because they personally identify their own morals with who they like. And when they feel as if their personality is threatened or judged, they lash out, usually while taking some sort of artificially imagined "moral high ground". That results in hate anons in inboxes of anyone who disagrees with them and calls of "well you never liked him anyway so now you have an excuse". Like baby, no. Don't project your feelings on me. I know how shitty my special boys are, and i am capable of criticising them and stanning them while acknowledging the ways in which they suck. I dont equate my morals and ethics with stanning some boys who drive around in circles.
I think i lost the plot there by the end. Bottom line - when youre already disliked, not many people will rally to defend you, regardless of the fact you say exactly the same shit as someone who is beloved to people. :)
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pluralcultureis · 6 months
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Plural culture is I just dont get it...why do endos want to be this? and why do people think others want or are faking all of this? Plural culture is I cant LIKE anything anymore. Plural culture is even if im ACTIVLY TRYING to not split and to ignore it all and just keep on keeping on and pretend my system isnt there I STILL split. I cant sit down and enjoy my day because my brain will take SOMETHING, ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A PERSON SOMETIMES and if I got enjoyment or even suffering out of it then its just THERE now and a part of me is missing. Plural culture is missing parts of yourself, loosing a skill or talent you loved that shaped who you were, forgetting the faces and voices of your loves ones, getting your memories rewriten for you, blinking and missing days or sometimes years. And thats just MY experience as host! Others in my system having to live their lives in the backseat, never being able to have one of their own or feeling like their hole point of existence is to make me happy or make sure we dont die. Sometimes I see how tired and drained the protectors are, how strung out the care takers are, the gatekeepers putting on a brave face for the good of the system to make us feel like maybe at least ONE of us has SOME kind of control only to find out that even they dont know everything or have control over it all. I see alters who are dating in our system wish and beg for a body just so they can hold hands like normal. Or others still who have had relationships outside the system wish they had a body independent of this one to go and be with who they want and do whatever they want. Its NOT all suffering and disorder yes of course and thats so very valid but like...even the most well adjusted systems deal with flashbacks, triggers, panic attacks I mean for fuck sake its not just some fun game or even a coping skill! Id RATHER NOT split or disassociate to be able to cope! Honestly id MUCH RATHER do things myself then switch but unfortunately I simply CANT no matter how much I want to! I HATE how low our split tolerance is because SPLITTING ISNT FUCKING FUN even when its painless! Even when its so subtle you dont notice! Because you loose something, a memory, your feelings, your sense of self gets rocked off its balance and honestly sometimes not knowing a split happed is WORSE cause youll just randomly start feeling like your not you anymore with no explanation as to why! Its so frustrating to see a bunch of people emulate the "fun parts" of my disorder and then when I get RIGHTFULY upset and say "hey its not like that it actually kinda sucks" they turn around and emotionally manipulate a group of people who are NUTORIOUS for not being believed by saying "Well because no one believes you then you should believe me because everyone has a different brain so actually I say that you dont need to be traumatized and have any of the bad shit your talking about and I get to have all the cool parts of it and your trying to oppress me by not letting me in your spaces" like???? Okay, so sorry for the rant and talking about endos and systemcorse and all. Sometimes it just all seems so ridiculous to me. When I see people say "real systems arnt hurt by people faking DID" and like??? no??? dont fucking speak for me???? Like yes stop fakeclaiming but like no dont say endos arnt "real systems problem" like I guess in practice sure but no and also BIG NO cause enods directly HAVE caused me problems so no, fuck that.
.
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thelonereni · 2 months
Text
Okay...
Forgiveness is overrated, gremlin forever.
Speaking of gremlin...
Sun, my guy, my beloved im so sorry. Alright so imma start of by saying I dont really watch tsams and know nothing much about it. It just ironically updates too much and I have no clue how to keep up with it so I havent tried, lol.
So my interpritations of Sun and Moon are from the games really, I havent read the book yet either, its on my list. Anyway, im offering that Help Wanted 2 didnt change the character as a lot of people believed, but was a natural evolution of the character we see in sb. Actually it was kind of shocking how quickly the script flipped on him. He went from energetic puppy to gremlin, which is missing the point that he was ALWAYS this way. Im not even sure where the hyper puppy came from actually because looking at his few actions and lines in sb hes clearly stressed out, tired, on edge and desperate for things to not go wrong.
Hes desperate to keep the one child he now has in his sights at all times, the issue is that he was programmed a certain way, purposely by fazbear ent. Not to mention, Moon is an absolute menace and possibly murderous.
Dude has one rule, dont bring out the moon man! Its a rule to keep you safe. So OF COURSE HE KICKS YOU OUT! Because you're being unsafe. Hes tired, stressed, you cant be trusted not to get yourself murdered like the dumb kid you are and he doesnt have enough ability himself to stop it.
I have 0 doubt in my mind that if some of his programming was adjusted hed be a powerhouse of making shit run... well like a well oiled machine. The trouble is he cant. ON PURPOSE. Which is backed up in HW2.
And this was all stuff I got only from sb. Those long hours at work combing over this guy with a fine toothed comb really paid off ig.
But then when you go back to the other doors for the daycare they have a big "Banned" sign with a little angry face which shows that he was genuinely upset but also hes a petty bitch. Guy probably has a long history of people not listening to him about things or taking him seriously.
Hes then hamstrung by his own coding which fucking sucks.
So now the guy im seeing in hw2 is a new senario where hes someone who has given the fuck up. This is the dark timeline where he didnt get a yn. He didnt get that one person whose in his corner and he can vent to and trust. He didnt get someone who cares about him. So now hes beyond his limit of stress, hes had it with no one caring about him and has been trying to convince himself HE doesnt care. If they dont why should he?
But he does, on some level, even if hes given up trying to express it. Even if he wishes he could do something about it. Hes just done, but he cant turn off. He cant be free.
I wanna hug this dude so bad its not even funny.
Now all this is not to say that soft interpretations of him cant exist, they most certainly can, and should! Those are all better timelines or a precursor to this disaster. I love the idea of a timeline where hes happy and able to express his affection for the silly humans he cares for.
And thats not even saying thay he cant still be soft. I fucking bet you could turn him into a sobbing mess in hw2 with little effort tbh.
Im open to a wide array of versions of him and the community got so big and varried because people are open to different versions. Thats good! But I also think people miss the mark sometimes and only really look on the surface of whats presented.
Anyway, there you go.
You got it out of me.
Again, this whole thing was just to point out that hw2 sun is a natural progression from sb sun. I have so many theories and stuff ive poured over these guys in the greater fnaf lore.
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lavender--fairy · 1 year
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hi!!! i just want a bit of clarity for myself:
so ive known/been involved with the loa community for about 3-4 (??) years now! but the thing is i still havent manifested my desires :/ AND I KNOW you most likely get these asks a lot 😭😭 but im not here to rant i just want some advice that pertains to my situation you know?
this is my first ask that ive sent in MONTHS (lowkey proud) and up till this point ive been off tumblr/stopped consuming loa content! but ive realized that as time goes on, manifesting isnt really fun to me :// like i literally forget that manifesting even exists. when this new year started i told myself i REALLY need to lock in but i just feel so lazy to even try consciously manifesting anymore :( im aware of what i do wrong (ie not keeping a mental diet, focusing on 3d circumstances, forgetting to affirm or wtv) but im here to ask you how can i change that?? should i tey different methods? it feels like no matter what i do (affirm, listen to subs, etc) i cant get myself in the wish fulfilled state, which i know is the main goal. so i just wanted to ask you how do you think i should go about manifesting in general at this point? because i really really REALLY do wanna change but i feel like im not putting in enough effort (i know you dont need "effort" to manifest) and im failing myself 🙃🙃(sorry this was long i just wanted to give you some background info first)
hey butterbean!! I feel like you have the mindset that you need to constantly think about your desire and if you let go it won't come to you (correct me if im wrong) From what i can tell is that you are thinking of your desire this whole time instead of thinking from them. Another thing i can conclude is that you lack faith and have been "trying to manifest". Now that we know your problems lets solve them together shall we??
First of all you don't have to keep thinking of your desires over and over again like sometimes people set alarms and that's unnecessary just thinking whenever it comes to you naturally is enough don't feel the need to force yourself to constantly think about it, remember whenever you feel the need to force something you are doing it wrong. And even the feeling of wish fulfilled only comes with ease, don't be so fixated on trying to feel the emotions, they happen naturally as soon as you accept what you are imagining is real and you now in fact have your desires, would you force yourself to feel happy if it happened in the 3d? no right it'd happen naturally thats what you should do in the 4d.
Through this post you can check if are thinking of or from your desire Next up i wanna ask you, after you imagine your desires fulfilled in your imagination do you feel happy that you now have your desires or do you feel like you have to work your way into it and are worried about the 3d?? If its the 2nd one, you don't believe that imagination is real, you think its something you use to get your desires in the 3d, you are too fixated on the 3d that you don't even enjoy imagining.
I can't really write everything down, it'd be too long but i'll link some really helpful material for you to check out and hopefully they help.
How i imagine
Here and now series Channel
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egotisticalmachine · 4 months
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sorry to ask you to ‘diagnose’ me, but lately ive been finding that i really really heavily relate to a lot of pwNPDs posts. ive also noticed thought patterns i have with my non-system splitting (thoughts go from ‘i am the most victimized person ever in the world’ to ‘i am the most horrible abuser that ever existed’).
i wanted to ask how you got diagnosed/started seeking information on NPD. i want to perhaps bring these thought patterns up the my therapist, but im unsure how to (esp since she has used the term “narcisstic abuse” in reference to experiences ive had)
any advice?
thank you for your patience, my life is very busy these days and i dont have a whole lot of time for tumblr, but i dont want you to think this is unimportant to me.
to be clear, im self diagnosed, and not planning on seeking a professional diagnosis, so i can only really walk you through doing your own research and self reflection and tips i can imagine would be helpful for seeking a diagnosis if you choose to do so. im aware my choice is somewhat controversial, and i would be happy to list out all my reasoning in a separate post, but i feel like that would be really fucking long (and kind of bitter tbh) and this is already gonna be a doozy. my main point is that if youre going to self diagnose, itll take a lot of research and thought; and if youre going to seek a prof diagnosis, itll take research and thought as well but youll also need to take into account the trustworthiness of whoever you turn to for help. if you go the prof dx route, i wish you nothing but the best of luck.
but onto my own process.
first, the DSM-5. a free PDF of the entire thing can be found here. make sure to read over the first part defining personality disorders as a whole, as well as the section on narcissistic personality disorder ofc, AND the disorders that it can often be mistaken for, which are listed under "Differential Diagnosis". take note of any that it seems you might fit the criteria for instead, or in addition. remember that NPD can be comorbid with many other conditions, as long as it isnt directly negating the diagnosis, such as narcissistic traits only being during episodes of mania.
please note though that the DSM-5 is still written from an outsider perspective. while it is ultimately the outline for a diagnosis, its not exempt from framing us in a negative light. for example - my lack of empathy isnt the result of any "unwillingness", i literally just have a lower capacity to empathize with others than the average person does. i can fake it, most of the time, but i cant force the real thing.
the DSM-5 also focuses mainly on pwNPD who are more outwardly grandiose, while ignoring those of us who dont present that way. for the most part im not a very "arrogant, haughty" person because ive learned thats not how i get my needs met. i may sometimes accidentally sound patronizing without realizing it, or i might unmask in safe environments and let myself be healthily arrogant (like playfully boasting and half-joking about everyone loving me), but on the whole i avoid it because in my experience, people like me better when im humble. even if im often arrogant internally, i filter myself. im not particularly grandiose now, but i used to be even less so - i was more of what gets referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, displaying (very often excessive by the standards of social acceptability, but still usually genuine) emotional vulnerability to others in the hopes of getting comfort and attention, and often placing myself into the "inferior" social rung that i believed everyone else wrongly saw me as because i felt that if i tried to take the "superior" position i "rightfully deserved" i would be hated for it. now i would say im in between grandiose and vulnerable, but still not as grandiose as whats described in the DSM-5.
also, consider the ways the criteria might apply in ways that may differ from whats described, or what immediately comes to mind. the "Diagnostic Features" section describes pretty specific scenarios, and i know i personally sometimes struggle to think beyond the examples im given. are the "special people" you associate with morally or creatively or spiritually special? do you exhibit entitlement by not doing assignments and being surprised by the consequences, or by expecting someone else in the household to handle the chores because youre busy, without considering that theyre busy too, maybe even busier? does your need for admiration apply to art you create, jokes you tell, facts you share?
TLDR for those last four paragraphs: the DSM-5 is absolutely the starting place for research, but doesnt encompass the entirety of the narcissistic experience. which is where the next step comes in -
keep researching. this step is... very, very difficult. the sad truth is youll mostly see articles about how horrible narcissists apparently are. youve probably already seen much of this and im sorry. theres not really any way to avoid it, because even resources that can offer actual help tend to have at least a degree of disdain for us. ive seen some pwNPD recommend the works of dr daniel fox, such as his worksheets available for free online, and if they might be helpful i encourage you to utilize those; however even his youtube channel is incredibly villainizing, at least based on the thumbnails (I Am Not Clicking On That Shit) so i really cant take him seriously and wont be giving him any of my money. please just be cautious wading through everything and remember that, whether you have NPD or just narcissistic traits, you arent the monster these people want to frame you as.
i wish i could remember every article that helped me along the way, but the biggest one i always recommend to ANYONE who wants to learn more about NPD is the one ill link here, Narcissus And The Daffodils. the authors use the checklist linked here to go into detail describing the spectrum of narcissistic experiences. the checklist is built using the DSM-5 criteria, essentially reworded, restructured, and added to in order to offer a more thorough understanding of NPD.* the authors elaborate on the checklist to explain how those criteria tie in with the experiences described.
*while the checklist is described as a potential tool for self diagnosis, i firmly believe it cant be your only resource to do so, and im unsure if that was the intention of the creators, who do openly state that they arent professionals. however, i still consider this a very helpful resource.
as an additional note: NatD touches on three different forms of empathy, emotional, cognitive, and compassionate. after doing a lot of research on the subject, my conclusion is that nobody can fucking agree on how to categorize and label different forms of empathy, but the categorization is still helpful for me and many others. basically, whats being said is helpful, just prepare to be confused if you try to research further because that model of empathy isnt the only one out there.
beyond that, you kind of just have to keep on trucking. sift through the bullshit. use your critical thinking skills, consider what info might actually be helpful and what might just be hateful and able to be disregarded. try to keep seeking out pwNPD, but also be cautious that even some pwNPD arent going to give the best info (r/NPD sucks ass and so does the associated discord holy fuuuuuuuuuck, absolutely toxic community and also not very queer friendly). and you mentioned relating to posts made by pwNPD, so it sounds like youve already been seeking out communities, and hopefully youve been finding good ones! im certain other pwNPD have more resources than what im able to offer as well.
TLDR for the past five paragraphs: research research research, keep your wits about you, think for yourself, seek out healthy communities, and dont let the shitheads get you down.
this will also take a lot of self reflection. you need to consider how your symptoms affect your daily life, your interpersonal relationships, your private moments. can you pinpoint when this started; was it sudden, or have these traits been building up over time? what might have caused all of this, what did your youth look like, what does your life look like now? how have you been praised? how have you been hurt? what were your parents or guardians like?
professionals arent 100% certain of what causes NPD, but there are patterns - genetics, upbringing, trauma. look at your roots just as much as your branches, so to speak. some pwNPD were praised too much as a child, made to feel more important than others. some had their needs neglected. some experienced both. im sure there are other factors im forgetting to list, so again, go listen to other pwNPD and see if anything they say clicks with you. ill use myself as an example below for the sake of explaining one of many many ways NPD can develop, but thatll touch on childhood emotional abuse and trauma, without going into too much detail. if thats still upsetting to read about, feel free to skip the next paragraph.
growing up i was both put on a pedestal for my achievements and talents (like getting good grades or being cute) and devalued for anything that was inconvenient or undesirable (like being easily scared or making mistakes), so i learned subconsciously that i was somehow innately superior to my peers but also that my superiority was conditional and i was innately flawed. i moved houses constantly, so i didnt get to learn how to develop lasting friendships, and my detachment made it far too easy for me to see people as temporary sources of attention and entertainment and not much else, easy to discard without any trouble once our time was up. even once my family settled down in my teen years, they still maintained an idea that i was better than my friends. my mother in particular was manipulative, so i learned to be manipulative too - i became calculated in how i spoke and behaved, tugged at heartstrings, and outright lied countless times, all as a survival mechanism as it became harder and harder to meet the expectations placed on me. i couldnt depend on the same easiness of childhood i had grown up with, especially with other obstacles like schizophrenia in the way of my grades, but i hadnt been taught how to work for success and didnt have the support to succeed, i just felt entitled to it, it felt like something innate to me. and while all these family and school troubles were happening, and eventually work troubles, i had my trust broken many times by many people (often BECAUSE my drive for attention led me to stick around awful people and put up with hurtful behavior), and this reinforced my misanthropic idea that i must be better than other people, but that i have to prove im not below them.
aside from just shamelessly liking to talk about myself - im sure i can be honest with you here lmao - im saying all this to illustrate a very important aspect of my self diagnosis process. i am able to pinpoint a VAST array of experiences from my youth, including plenty that i didnt even mention here, which contributed to the development of my symptoms and influence my current day behavior and psyche.
which means, going back to the tree analogy, i can connect my roots to my branches. i can recognize the symptoms i experience, the branches, and i can trace back down to the experiences that led to those symptoms, the roots. that helped me to better rule out other possible causes for those symptoms - i dont experience low empathy solely because of my autism, even if that is a factor, but specific events in my life further lowered my empathetic ability beyond what it potentially could have been. i dont feel superior as a symptom of mania, both because its a constant feeling and because i can explain how that feeling was instilled in me.
dont feel bad if you cant pinpoint everything like this. like i said, it takes a lot of self reflection, and if theres trauma involved, itll probably be a painful process. its ongoing too, there are still moments that i suddenly make a connection between a branch and a root. and mental illnesses as a whole are complex, because the brain is complex, and life is complex. and, again, genetics are believed to be a factor, so it could be possible that if you have NPD, you may have had a lot fewer developmental experiences that led into it, but experts just really arent 100% sure about all the facts. all i can tell you is my own experience.
and of course, i know ive already said it plenty of times, but focus on those branches too. really really consider how your symptoms impact you and how well they may line up with NPD or potentially something else. i know that i have full certainty in my self diagnosis, but i know that wont be the case for everyone and even with your own personal certainty, you might still want a professional diagnosis. again, if you choose to seek that, i wish you only the best and i hope youre treated with nothing but the highest respect and dignity.
so my tips for that prof dx as someone without one. first and foremost in this section: gonna have to say your current therapist is a no-go. its not impossible to change someones mind about narcissistic abuse, but its also sadly not all that likely on your own, and more importantly it isnt your job when youre just trying to get help for a potential disorder. there are websites where you can search for specialists (dont use psychologytoday), but i know when i tried on a site i sadly forget the name of, i didnt get any results, so i dont know how many options are out there and listed on these sites.
your next option is probably word of mouth. reaching out to NPD communities, asking who can be trusted. but, given how small the community is, and that you dont want to doxx yourself and might not feel safe asking people you know irl, thatll probably be difficult too. there may be listings somewhere by pwNPD, but im unaware of any.
i think the next best option is just to reach out to therapists in your area, or just as far as youre willing/able to travel, or as far as theyll take telehealth appointments - and ask them some questions. do some doctor shopping. this is an important decision and you need to know you can trust the person youll be opening up to. i would start by simply asking if they treat people with narcissistic personality disorder. some therapists may simply not have the expertise to offer such treatment, while others may actively refuse to do so, but either way, you want that yes/no answer. if they do treat pwNPD, you can continue to ask questions about their goals in treating pwNPD, the processes they use, their success rates with these patients.
i would be cautious in asking any questions that might even POSSIBLY come off as accusatory. directly asking a therapists opinions on narcissistic abuse may result in them slotting you into the "victim complex" role, or them feeling like theyre being put on the defense, even if they dont hold those beliefs. even those who dont see us fully as villains can still see us poorly. try to ask questions that are more common to what anyone would ask while researching a therapist, and take note of anything that seems off, or of if they seem particularly safe and affirming.
also!! please consider your insurance, if you have it! all my recent doctors have been referrals from other doctors, but in the past ive had to go on the site for my insurance and find a list of doctors who would take it. alternatively, you could ask upfront if they take your insurance.
beyond all this, i dont think theres any other advice i can give you. so ill give the floor to anyone who might have anything else to add, any resources, articles, websites, therapists, advice, words of encouragement, polite corrections to anything i might have gotten wrong.
if you read this far, thank you for your time, and thank you for trusting me to offer my help. i hope i could steer you in the right direction, because the sea is fucking rough out there. whether its NPD or something else youre struggling with, im happy to help you out, even if it takes me some time to reply. and once more for good measure: i wish you the best of luck, dignity, and care.
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jeanvanjer · 1 year
Note
Can we get 1. “Come over here and make me.”, please?
based on this
I hope you like it! Sorry it took me a while!
Kate Sharma, his hot sexy breathtaking annoying neighbor, was a thief.
When she moved in next door to him months back, he didn't mind her too much. She kept to herself just like he did.
Sometimes they would see each other in the early hours of the morning, nodding to each other in greeting before taking off for their runs towards the opposite direction. Her dog was alright and didn’t make much noise. The guests she had over occasionally, her sister and mother, he assumed, never made too much noise either. All in all, Miss Sharma proved herself to be the perfect neighbor.
Until last month.
It was around that she became a menace. She started to become more and more friendly. Always coming by to give him some baked goods or some dinner, or would ask him for eggs or flour. It didn’t matter if somewhere deep inside him he loved the attention she gave him, basked in the warmth she shone on him. He would avoid her like he avoided everyone else in his life.
“You’re a shy little one arent you. I never see you out and about. What are you avoiding, Mr. Bridgerton?” She said one day when he refused another one of her dinner invitations.
“One day, I’ll get you to come over.” Miss Sharma quipped confidently.
Anthony just grumbled as he shoved a whole carton of eggs at her. Hopefully that would keep her away longer.
But she was persistent. If he never came around, she did every weekend. She came with cooked food or bought over ingredients, to cook food at his place, ordering him around to chop this and stir that until she eventually made herself a vital part of his life.
Until he kissed her.
He didn't know why he did it.
Wrong.
He did know. He wanted to kiss her since the first time he saw her early in the morning when she stepped out for a run. Her head tipped back to soak in the rays, and he saw someone who lived life, and he wanted to know what that felt like. He wanted to ‌taste life’s essence on her lips.
One night she was over at his palace teaching him how to make some pasta dish, and he was at his limit. Who knew food was so sexy? The way she kneaded the pasta dough, the muscles of her arms clenching and unclenching with every move, the way her eyes would roll back when she tasted the sauce, and then when she held out her finger for him to lick, her eyes tempting him like they always did? He was a saint for not ravishing her on the kitchen island.
But he controlled himself. Even when she moaned and awed at the food while eating with him. And he thought he controlled himself when he walked her back to her place.
But then she leaned in close to give him a hug, and the scent of her perfume invaded his senses. He lost it.
Pulling her close, he crashed his lips onto hers, devouring her as if he hadn't eaten just moments ago. Kate kissed back with equal fervor, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his head down, closer. Anthony pushed her against the door, trying to ground himself against her when her door swung open and they stumbled in, breaking Anthony from the spell Kate casted over him.
‘I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have–” he stuttered. He cant believe he mauled her like an animal.
“What? Anthony no come inside and we can ta–”
Anthony didn't let her finish and ran back to his home, the sound of him slamming his door surely echoing through out the whole neighborhood.
That was five weeks ago. He avoided her now. He no longer went on his morning runs lest he see her again, and he never answered the door anymore when she came knocking.
And then his clothes started to go missing. As usual, he hung them up to dry outside in his yard every Saturday morning and slowly but surely his clothes started to go missing.
Anthony didn’t go around accusing people of being thieves. He had his suspicions before, but now? Now he had proof.
There Kate lay, the bane of his existence, in her yard, under the light of the morning sun, wearing nothing but his favorite sweatshirt.
She looked as gorgeous as ever. Every time he laid eyes on her her beauty would hit him like a train, and after days on days of not seeing her he gazed at her like a starved man. How did he manage to ignore this goddess for the past month? No, he had to focus. She had his sweatshirt, his favorite sweatshirt, and he needed it back. Now.
Angry, he stalked up to his fence to confront her.
“Miss Sharma!!” He hissed out, "What the hell are you doing wearing my sweatshirt?"
She propped up on her elbows and lowered her sunglasses to look at him.
“Oh hullo Anthony. I see you’re still alive.” she quipped as she got up and walked over to where stood stood at the fence.
“That” he pointed, “Is my mine and I want it back. Now.”
“How can you prove its your shirt? How do you know its not mine?” Kate put her hands on her hip, causing his sweatshirt to ride up a little bit, exposing more of the delicious skin of her thigh.
“Because it’s my college sweatshirt and it has my name on the back so unless you’re changing your name to Bridgerton, it belongs to me.” Anthony hissed.
Kate edged closer. So close he could taste her minty breath and smell the lilies on her skin.
“Is that your way of asking me to marry you, Mr. Bridgerton?” Kate whispered, and his eyes fell closed as her whisper slid down his spine, settling in his soul.
“If you want it back, come over here and make me. My door’s always open for you.” Kate said as she walked away, her hips swaying enticingly.
He was stunned, his mouth hanging open in shock.
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openedmaw · 8 months
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I'm suspecting that I may be a clinical lycanthrope. I have a history of delusions and psychotic episodes and this just feels... So real?
I've always heavily identified with werewolves and recently realized I was werewolfkin (about a year ago?) But lately I've been suspecting it's more than kin.
Sometimes I can feel fur sprouting from my skin. My face feels like it's pulling forward, I can feel a tail, my eyes dilate, my mouth salivates. I'll get into this weird "hunting mode" where I genuinely feel I could strike at others any moment... The uncontrollable growling then starts. I lock myself in my room in the dark, the tension in my body gets so bad I feel like I'll explode, my brain gets so lost in it and then... nothing?
I'll look in the mirror and all these changes that FEEL SO REAL are just... non-existent and it's so jarring and confusing and awful and it scares me so bad...
Are these just really strong kinshifts or CL? I genuinely do not know and I'm having trouble finding resources that aren't just vague reports from apathetic doctors.
Whether the answer is yes or no, I don't have the means to seek professional diagnosis, but I just want comfort in all of this, I feel so unsettled by it. I don't want to self diagnose at all, and if anything I really just want this to be weird shifts but I can't help but shake the feeling that something is deeply wrong.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this/answer...
okay so before i even start i gotta disclaimer: im not a professional by any means. i am literally just some dog with a special interest in abnormal psych and lived experience as a schizophrenic with CL.
with that, im not entirely sure what youre wanting out of this ask. you dont want to self dx at all but i cannot provide you a professional dx. i can tell you that what youre experiencing sounds like psychotic symptoms over kinshifts, they track more with hallucinations and delusions, especially when it seems to be causing significant distress (plus your history of psychosis).
clinical zoanthropy specifically requires a belief that you are physically changing into a animal. youve described experiences that might lead one to believe that is happening but havent explicitly expressed that sentiment. cause like, theres a difference between "i am growing fur" and "im growing fur in the process of turning into something", if that makes sense? so i cant really tell you if its CL specifically or a related delusion.
i hope this was helpful to you in some way, im not the Most qualified to talk abt it and i don't really have resources but im pretty sure ive seen @scarsmood + @strawberrybabydog + @wilczak all either provide resources or talk in depth about the subject so maybe they can provide other insight (no pressure tho :°])
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shaampoo · 5 months
Note
*Bams the door down*
Hello!
Tell me about your ocs please! All the random facts! Well not technically all, just some of them, you get what I mean. XD
I Want To Know More!
And also how's you been? And what do you think about everything that exists? =>
Random facts time!!!
Ill try to list them in order of like, my first OC to my most recent OC's
Jinx first!!!
Jinx was once turned into a cat by the villains, and Jinx was pretty chill about it really, they loved knocking stuff over at the villain base, and since the villains thought they was just turned into a cat, no JInx inside, they just assumed it was normal cat behavior
Jinx is a magpie, like they LOVE shiny stuff, like, once, the heroes and villains were fighting over an ancient artifact, who gets it, the heroes want it so that they know the villains cant abuse it, and the villains want it for power, and then Jinx just ups and steals it just cause its shiny
Jinx has a twin brother Aegis, hes the opposite of Jinx, a hero, no-nonsense, his powers is to create shields, i made him after i made Jinx, but using the base i made for Jinx
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Aegis is Bisexual and up for poly btw (i even thought about making him date the leader of the heroes and the leader of the villains just for the shits and giggles,)
Jinx lives with their brother (Aegis is older by 2 minutes ["best 2 minutes of my life" lol], cause their parents kicked Jinx out at 18, and Aegis was disgusted by that, so he lived with Jinx
Jinx didnt get much attention as a child, so that's why they're what they're like today, he has flair, a loud voice, just so that they get attention,
also, Jinx had to mostly fend for themself as a child, and they were given almost no supervision, since their parents gave Aegis more attention and training, believing that AEgis was more fit to be a superhero, so Jinx could do whatever, really, so they ate a lot of candy, thus giving themselves a sweet tooth. This is also why Jinx is childish, they wasn't allowed to be a child back then so their allowing themselves to be a child
Also, im starting to wonder if Jinx does have a label on what side they're on, like, anti-heroes, to my research, do bad things for good. Anti-villains do good things for bad stuff, so I don't know if Jinx does have a side, cause they just do their own thing, sometimes joining the villains, sometimes joining the heroes, sometimes being an annoyance to both, so like, they're undecided i guess?? (Kinda like they're gender, it switches lol) Lemme look something up real quick...i guess JInx is like a rogue?
Also, Jinx, having no side, maybe has a lair of their own, a small one though, I've been thinking maybe a candy shop? Like, there's a basement of operations down there, and there's a candy shop up top?
Also, Jinx is Chaotic Lawful (or lawful chaotic), where they have a moral code, no one knows what it is though, but thank goodness its there
At first, i wanted to make Jinx have a double life as Casey, but then the more i thought about casey and their stories, it kinda spiraled into casey becoming their own character,
Now, onto Casey!!! Doing this cause he inspired a TON of characters
Caseys a trans man (aka ftm,), and has transitioned now.
He's a tired photographer and journalist (online), goes to college, engineering, he lives with his brother, Ryan Thompson (or Velocity as his hero name), also lives with his brother
Casey is Ryans adopted little brother, Caseys parents are Lady Luck and Mr. Misfortune (idk if i should give him siblings he was separated from)
So pretty much Casey has terrible and Amazing luck, they don't cancel each other out
This is pretty much where chaos happens around casey, but casey somehow gets out unharmed, which is great for his Photography and Journalism blog cause he usually stumbles into super fights!
Also, Caseys like, the go-to kidnapping victim for the villains, where they kidnap him a lot (they don't hurt him, cause i think I'm leaning more into comedy in my world ), and the heroes save him a lot, this led to him knowing a lot about both sides, also, once, Casey got out of his binds when the villains kidnapped him and left him, and instead of escaping, he takes pictures of the lair first, and gets out, and then proceeded to post the pictures and compliment the villain's style.
Also, Casey usually doesnt talk, mostly to people he doesn't know that much, if he's with Ryan or anyone he's really comfortable with, he will not shut up, showing them pictures, stuff he made using engineering, etc.
Also, every character inspired by Casey (like, they first started out as, haha, what if Casey was ___) has a white streak on their hair, so if you see an OC of mine with a white streak, you know what that means!
Now, Dr. Wilde!!
As you know, Dr. Wilde is a crazy scientist!
Dr. Wilde allows Lumi to call him Ezra (at first Lumi called him Dr. Ezra, but as they got more close Lumi started to call him Ezra, like a friend)
Casey has interviewed Dr. Wilde at some point, and even took pictures of his lab, and Casey has taken care of Tar once (picturing Tar and uploading to the internet how weird the rat is, and that once, the rat got in the oven while Casey was baking and it somehow survived)
Dr. Wilde has dyed Tar's fur a bit (haven't decided what color yet), just so that he can differentiate between the lab rats and Tar
Dr. Wilde's lab is right next to his room (which is like a house, having a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc.),
Dr. Wilde rarely leaves his lab / room, as he isn't really interested in the outside world, and when he does leave, he brings Tar with him, and Tar is just perched over Dr. Wilde's shoulder
Dr. Wilde is pretty short, compared to other villains (i should make a height chart actually), where the villains tower over him
Dr. Wilde has green eyes, also, if you look at him, he WILL stare into your soul, no one has ever seen him blink,
Now, Onto Darian Knight / Eclipse!!
As you can see, Darian is inspired by casey,
Darian, at first, joined the heroes to spite his dad, who was a villain back then, but after a while, he did come to like being a hero
Darian joined when he was 18, and he's surprised people still think he's a villain
Solar Flare and Casey are the few people who believe he's a genuine hero, Solar Flare cause he's worked with Darian long enough to know he's being genuine, and Casey cause he interviewed anough people to know whats a lie and whats not, Lumi also knows Casey isn't a villain
Sunny Knight / Lumi!!
He joined the villains at 19, about the same time as Darian,
At home with their parents, Sunny and Darian are more civil, more sibling-like,
In the battlefield, Sunny and Darian try to incapacitate each other than hurt, since, yknow, they're siblings. But they don't fight in the battlefield much, since sometimes Sunny and Darian converse, and the hereos and villains think that Sunny and Darian are teaming up and switching sides (Darian to villains and Sunny to heroes),
Also, Lumi joined the villains just because he could, and it looked fun
i dont have much on newer OC's lol, since i havent fleshed them out much lol
I also have a few more OC's i haven't talked about / fleshed out that much, like they're just an idea, but not a person yet.
Like uhh
Viz:
Theyre a hero with high anxiety, but despite having anxiety, and knowing he would get attention, interviews, etc. He still decides to be a hero, since to him, its the right thing to do. I still haven't showed them yet cause 1. i haven't drawn them yet, 2. with anxiety like them, i want to make sure i represent them well and make them realistic and that i don't make them like a stereotype
Starlight / Adrian Celeste:
Hes a self absorbed egocentric hero, and he's vain, he's kinda a joke hero i thought about, where like, he's self absorbed to the point its funny, hes still nice though, he doesn't show it much though, since he doesn't want to seem vulnerable and stuff. a simple backstory I thought about is that he was put down back then when he was young, so to make himself more confident, he started to compliment himself, and other stuff, but then it quickly spiraled put of control, and now hes like this. He also carries a mirror with himself at all times, just to admire himself, and his mirror in his room has sticky note surrounding where his face would be, and it says "perfect" "amazing" etc. also, he can glow, heal, teleport, and kinda has the ability to see the future (in like a vague way, like, he sees the stars and can sense something in the future, but its just really vague)
Jester / R.J. Santos: (Civilian name im not sure on yet)
Theyre a villain, a non serious villain, think like a cartoon villain, a goofy villain, they dont do any harm, just there to have fun. they also wanted to name themselves Jester Jinx, but since Jinx already had the name, they were okay with going with just Jester. Also, he's filipino. Also, he cares for young heroes (being an impromptu dad himself [long story where a kid of a hero wanted to be a villain, but the parent wanted them to be a hero, so the kid ran away, and got to casey, and casey took care of them and helped them be a villain {the kids, actually a teen, like 16, the teen is names Shadowstrike and their civilian name is Micheal, they hate the name by the way},]), and once, casey saw that the heroes were sending young heroes to his base to defeat him, and R.J. doesn't spot a singular a singular adult there, so he makes the young heroes (teens and even kids) sit down and stuff, and then he calls the heroes (he has their number cause they're usually on good terms), and yells at them over the phone for sending kids to a villain, and that they could've gotten hurt, and he gets so angry he starts shouting in filipino. Also! R.J. has a big family (based off my family), where his great grandma had 12 kids, and those kids (his grandparents and grand aunties and uncles) had kids (about 3 each), his aunties and uncles, and they have kids as well (about 3-5), his cousins and such, and his cousins had children as well, R.J. tries to remember them all by name, but its pretty hard, cause like, he has about
...
three- three thousand, three thousand family members?! Uhm, hold on i gotta ask my mom something about my family, or my dad since that family is on his side
Oh thank god, i only have 106 family members,
uh, so like, new and revised family tree!
my famly is gonna be R.j's family (cause holy fuck no way am i writing 3 thousand family members , J.C.) that's whats R.J's family is gonna be, 106 family members,
Anyways, ive been doing okay-ish! Could be better, but could be worse XP (lets just say the AO3 author curse is real). And i think of things that exist are poggers.
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