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#sometimes it feels more right to reference myself as he or him as a child self
brimleysbears · 27 days
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(Featured media: Burl Ives and Rock Hudson - from The Spiral Road, 1962)
"Fan" fiction erotica - "Hollywood Confessions: My Date With Big Daddy"
Post 4 of 4
Epilogue:
A Horny Old Bull
To conclude, I was in fact on the pill, after all, it was 1963; therefore no, I didn’t begat a cute little chubby Ives child, although sometimes I wish I had. Although that man could be a bit of a creep at times, like most men I suppose, I’ll never forget that night with Big Daddy. In fact, as much as it was embarrassing, there were other reasons why I kept that story to myself after all these years. I admit, that was the most fun I’ve ever had with a man. Sometimes I question whether I was head over heels in love with that big old brute.
As much as I wanted to see him again, I found out soon afterwards that he had actually scheduled all of those men to see him that night with the intention of not telling me, while planning on having sex with me, in order for the meetings to coincide with his coitus. I never found out exactly why he did that, and if it was his intention to use me or not. I was angry for a season and never wanted to see him again after that, but looking back, I regret not seeing him more times. I would have liked to get all of his seed in me and looked at him face to face the entire time that he had his climax. I would have liked to try other things with him, and maybe even be his mistress when he was working in Hollywood. The more I learned about what probably did happen, was that he was proud to seduce a young dancer like myself, and although I don’t like to be someone’s ‘bragging rights’, in a way I felt honored. One of the older ladies at the Manhattan cocktail party said, “sounds to me like he was just trying to get those businessmen off his back and find ways to taunt them.”
As I spoke to my girlfriends late that night, finishing my story, one of the women remarked that, perhaps that lonely old man being away from home needed a special companion, and not another ‘high-profile figure’ like himself? As we talked, one of the more educated ‘uptown’ ladies said, “if you ask me, like a lot of men in show business those days, he was desperate to try to prove that he was a heterosexual; in a similar way they constantly had to deliver proof they were not some kind of communist as well. After all, Mr. Ives worked closely with a lot of queers like Tennessee Williams and was even filmed naked along side a half-naked raging fag, Rock Hudson, just a year or so before your ‘encounter’. Although I might say there’s probably a little pink in his blanket, Big Daddy sounds like a man who was not ‘light on his feet’, in fact, quite heavy handed like your story implied, which I found to be most intriguing. I think you’ve not only made a believer out of all of us in the room, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of us are going to start chasing after men like Sebastian Cabot – you’ve certainly piqued my curiosity about a kind of man I would have not previously considered and for that, I am indeed charmed.”
But it was another lady who might have had the best explanation: “did you ever consider the fact that although Big Daddy was a bit of a sex symbol in the 50’s, that Burl Ives in the 60’s was starting to get typecast too much in children’s and family shows to the point where the public was referring to him as asexual? If I were him, I’d want to prove to my collogues that I was a fully functioning sexual person with sexual needs and abilities. After a while, no matter what he said, chances are, his peers didn’t believe him until he found a way to show proof that he had a thriving sex life.” Maybe they were all correct. Maybe he was just another creep. Maybe he was someone really special. I do cherish those memories, and I still keep his private calling card with me in my purse all these years.
The End.
Copyright 2024 BrimleysBears
Feel free to share posts, however please copy only with permission, thanks, BB
Part 1
https://www.tumblr.com/brimleysbears/743973229412106240/featured-media-burl-ives-from-the-spiral-road?source=share
Part 2
https://www.tumblr.com/brimleysbears/743962348439666688/featured-media-burl-ives-from-the-spiral-road?source=share
Part 3
https://www.tumblr.com/brimleysbears/743868840199536640/featured-media-burl-ives-from-the-spiral-road?source=share
Part 4
https://www.tumblr.com/brimleysbears/743867190420307968/featured-media-burl-ives-from-the-spiral-road?source=share
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shunsuiken · 1 year
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A LITTLE SECRET | SAGAU
synopsis. you, the divine creator of teyvat, discover one day that your blood can heal. 
tags. gn!reader + hurt/comfort + fluff + you bring childe and kazuha into a domain (xiangling and bennett are honorary mentions) + reader wants ragbros to reconcile + zhongli and ayato are sparring partners + itto gets hurt but don’t worry we heal him + gorou is still traumatised after the war between the shogunate army & the sangonomiya resistance so pls understand his reaction here + reader thinks everyones gonna be mad at them but thats not true + they tease you in the end and its all adorable <3 hehe
warnings. mentions of blood (obviously), self-harm (??? because reader cuts their wrist to obtain the blood), if i missed anything pls lmk !!
wc. 2.6k
an. incredible how brainrot makes you write things so quickly. i only just indulged myself into sagau’s literally a week ago and now this is here 😀
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“now wasn’t that quite the fight!” childe wipes sweat off his forehead with his sleeve, letting his bow dematerialise in the air as he strides into the estate in your abode.
“you were rather ruthless out there, i must say.” kazuha removes his bandages and replaces them with a clean roll in a cupboard. “their grace looked concerned when that cryo abyss mage shot a cryo thorn at you.”
“true but these scars will heal like they were never even there!” sometimes kazuha wonders if the fatui harbinger feels any pain, he must, he thinks, but is most likely good at hiding it.
“would you like to bandage that at least?”
“hm, i could but-”
“kazuha! ajax!” you call with your sweet voice from the kitchen and all the men’s heads in the living room whip around in the direction of your voice. speaking of you… they haven’t seen you since you and your party left the domain.
“yes, your grace?” childe replies, a light blush appearing on his face upon the use of his real name.
kazuha smiles lightly behind him, greeting you as you enter the living room. “your grace.”
“here are your vitamins, you two!” you bring two cups of a mysteriously transparent liquid to them. “i’ve already given these to xiangling and bennett and now it's your turns!”
“oh, it’s this drink again.” childe raises his brows. “you gave it to us last time as well, your grace.”
you hum in agreement, “i did.”
kazuha inspects the liquid after taking it from your precious hands. “the ingredients for this healing mixture must be incredibly difficult to find since it heals wounds so quickly.” he then drinks it up with childe, both men handing the cups back to you in a respectable fashion.
kazuha is right about that. the ingredients for this drink are definitely difficult to find.
but that is because the drink was your blood. your golden blood to be precise. when you descended as the creator of teyvat, you were naturally bestowed with this condition to discern your immortal body from others.
funnily enough, it was all due to you scraping your palm against a rough rock that you discovered the hidden properties of your blood (and its rich golden colour). it was weird in the beginning, and you made sure to guarantee how highly your blood’s healing properties were before offering it to the men who joined you in domains and open-world fights. so you only declared its potential after flinging yourself through multiple enemies.
so far you’ve managed to hide this fact from the men since you found out. after learning some illusory spells that can’t be detected by the naked eye, you were able to successfully heal your men after feeding them your blood—referring to it as “vitamins”. 
“your grace, what’s the secret recipe behind this amazing drink? maybe i could learn it to help you if any more of us get hurt.” you feel bad, thoma looks like he has stars in his eyes but you obviously can’t tell him how the drink is made. you can already imagine it. he’d panic and go all red in the face. although a cute sight, you don’t want him to worry about you since he and the rest have done so much to smoothen your descent into teyvat.
you also notice the expectant eyes of the other men who are behind him, either idly standing by or are on the couch relaxing.
“oh thoma, there is a reason why it’s a secret.” you wink at him, extending your index finger to your lips. you end up laughing at the housekeeper when the red on his face makes it up to his ears, a sheepish look on his face for asking such a question with an obvious answer.
“my apologies, your grace. i didn’t mean to pry.” the pyro user scratches the back of his head while ayato, who sips on his boba milk tea, pats his back sympathetically.
“don’t apologise, dearest, it is natural you all are curious.” you meet eyes with everyone in the room, hoping your words can convince them. “but don’t fret, this is just a way of me giving my thanks to all your preparations when i arrived here.”
“your grace is too kind.” kazuha smiles. “therefore we shall accept your offerings wholeheartedly.”
you’re praying (to who knows what, you’re literally the most powerful being on teyvat) that the boys can forgive you if they ever found out. but you have a sinking feeling that they’ll all feel betrayed instead because they wouldn’t ever want you to hurt yourself to heal them. just thinking about it makes your heart break. so you quickly shove those worries away, as long as the boys stay safe then it is worth the minuscule second of pain.
-
you’re reading a book next to kaeya while he completes paperwork. he decided to do his work outside the confines of the wooden walls so he could get some fresh air instead (news flash: he actually just wants to be in your presence). after a while, diluc comes along with a glass of grape juice in his hands. he greets you and stares at his brother. “kaeya,” he greets before sitting down opposite of him.
kaeya raises his head, giving him a nod of acknowledgement. “diluc.”
you twitch your eye at the dry interaction in front of you. perhaps you should add this to your list of things to accomplish, to help these two estranged brothers and connect them once again. no doubt would the two be happier. obviously they will need as much time as possible to settle things. and you are willing to give them exactly that. time. you sigh underneath your breath, listening to the distant cling and clangs of a polearm and a sword.
hm, perhaps they’re sparring? you remove your gaze from your book to the two figures in the distance. ah, it seems to be zhongli and ayato. now that is an interesting pairing. however, your moment of peace is interrupted by panicked shouts for help at the front door. you exchange alarmed looks with the two brothers in front of you, getting up quickly from your seats to attend to the shouts that are coming from… you believe, gorou.
your face pales at the sight in front of you, there is a large gash right across itto’s stomach, blood pooling out of him like a flowing river. immediately you kneel down to his figure supported by gorou, who is startled by the entire situation as he relays what happened.
“we were looking for onikabuto but itto’s wind glider broke and he fell through the trees in chinju forest!” gorou’s tail is raised high up in alarm, ears stiff and skin running cold at the sight of his comrade in this state. it brings him too many memories. too many unfortunate ones that make his hands shake.
you hold onto his hand tightly, returning him to the present so he doesn’t focus on what he saw behind the look in his eyes anymore. he raises his head to meet your gaze. your gaze that does not falter, your gaze that urges him: trust me.
gorou does, giving you some space to heal itto with your abilities. it then dawns on gorou that he’s never seen you heal anybody with your abilities. and when you did heal people, it was with that liquid you would bring to them.
the men who are on site look at you with anticipation because they’ll finally get to see how you prepare that healing concoction. but they’re also exchanging gazes at each other in concern for itto. the oni groans in pain, clutching onto the gushing wound. you have no time to waste. materialising his claymore, you quickly slash your skin against the sharp edge as your blood spills onto itto’s wound.
you hear various reactions. cries of shock, quiet gasps, and protests that plead you to stop your actions.
“y- your grace?!” gorou gasps, brows creasing in bewilderment while his hands hover awkwardly in front of him, unsure of what to do next.
“so that’s why they never told us how the ‘vitamins’ were made,” the wanderer mutters but everybody hears him clearly.
the men are smart enough to put two and two together. seeing your divine blood trickle down your arm onto itto’s wound that healed the second it made contact with your blood threw them all into a speechless stupor. they weren’t even expecting the liquid to be such a dazzling colour that would reflect the light of the afternoon sun.
when the wound heals completely, you wipe the remaining streaks of itto’s blood off using your sleeves. and magically, your slashed skin is healed too. you reach for itto’s cheek, caressing him. “you are alright, my dear. you can open your eyes now.”
itto responds with a tired whine.
zhongli takes a step forward, kneeling down to meet your height to gently hold your forearm, his thumb running over the skin that was ripped open just a second ago. “so i’m assuming this is the secret recipe to the vitamins?”
you can’t lie to the boys anymore now that they’ve seen it all so you nod your head, admitting the truth. “yes, it is.” you don’t dare meet zhongli’s amber gaze, which is why you don’t notice the glint of worry he looks at you with. instead, you jump to conclusions and think that he’s disappointed in you. they probably all are, you convince yourself.
“gorou, let’s carry him inside.”
the men collectively jolt in alarm, they can’t possibly let you carry the oni into the estate. even if they saw your arm heal itself, you’re still their creator! they can’t just let you perform physical tasks like that when they’re available. so heizou and tighnari take it upon themselves to help the general carry him inside and onto the couches.
while the others are distracted you quietly retreat to the kitchen to make an escape through the back door but the second you turn on your heel, your face is met by somebody’s chest.
“you didn’t think what we saw would go unspoken, did you?” just your luck, it’s alhaitham. you’re definitely not getting out of this one.
you avert your gaze to the very interesting stove behind him, grimacing. “i was just about to grab some food for itto,” you lie through your teeth.
cyno suddenly appears beside alhaitham, crossing his arms. “we know you’re concerned for itto but the oni has a strong spirit. he’ll be fine.” he tilts his head. “however, i believe we deserve an explanation.”
the grip you have on your cloak tightens, staring at cyno as your heart thumps like its right beside your ears. “uh,” you begin, turning around to see that all their attention has fallen onto you, including itto who peeks over the spine of the couch.
“o- okay, well, initially i wanted to say something about it however, i’m also aware of how protective you all can be towards me and i realised if i did tell you all, then i wouldn’t be able to heal all of you quick enough after battling domains and open-world fights,” you trail off, continuing in softer voice, “i’m not doubting any of your abilities—i’m just concerned and mean well because majority of you are mortals. and mortals get hurt more easily than those of the adepti and other immortal beings—even when you wield a vision.” you sigh, shamefaced. “it appears my plan has turned on me, very well, if any of you believe i’m deserving of a punishment then i shall gladly-”
“woah woah woah, who said anything about a punishment, your grace?” although heizou would have preferred you to finish your sentence, he can barely get through the first few words. you clearly made your statement and proved your points. there is no need for punishment when you have already proven yourself.
“your grace, you are too kind for your own good!” venti shakes his head fondly. “you were only looking out for us in the first place, what position are we in to complain? you’ve also revealed your condition so i think we’re all even.”
you nod your head hesitantly, a tense atmosphere radiating off of you. “i just don’t like seeing any of you injured so terribly. it’s too much for me to bear.” 
it’s silent for a while. everyone’s thinking of words to say. their creator doesn’t normally express their emotions so when they do, it renders even the best of linguists in the room silent.
itto groans, turning his head animatedly towards everyone. “jeez! you guys are acting like somebody just died!” the oni cannot stand the intense silence, it makes his body jittery and he has to say something to break it. he taps his finger on his temple, shaking his head dramatically. “your grace is the only one who can get these serious people quiet like this!”
aether raises a brow at the oni, folding his arms. “looks like you’re all better, aren’t you?”
itto’s eyes return to your figure. you feel like a spotlight is shining on you from the bright expression on his face as he rambles, “and that’s because their grace is super amazing, super cool, super smart and super-”
“i think their grace understands.” the wanderer interrupts him before looking at you. “you should tell us how you discovered your condition, we’ll be all ears.”
you’re caught off guard, lowering your gaze to the floor again as your face heats up. “u- uh.”
“you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to.” xiao reminds you.
however, the men in the room have keen eyes and notice the change in your expression. how is it that the memory of discovering your condition made you react like this? now that makes them all wonder…
“ooh your expression changed your grace, was it perhaps an embarrassing memory?” kaeya teases, squinting his eye.
you fold your arms, feigning ignorance but your shaky gaze does nothing to defend you. “it was nothing of the sort.”
“oh really?” tighnari presses on. you’re sweating now.
“their grace must have been experimenting.” ayato defends you suavely but a glint of mischief shines in his lavender stare. “a little slip and slide of a few sharp objects is inevitable, no?”
“correct.” albedo nods his head, holding his chin with his thumb and a curled index finger. “however, since their grace can heal themself now, the discovery must have been… an accident?” he tilts his head, eyelids falling lower as he gives you the look you’ve seen on his face countless of times when he teases you.
your face boils like a kettle, you swear there’s steam coming out of your ears too. you snap your head away from their cheeky expressions. “you all are too much.” you huff, turning on your heel, because you somehow believe you can successfully leave the room when they all are eager to tease you like this.
“uh-uh, your grace!” venti blocks you from leaving through the back door. “after such a long day, don’t you think we’re worthy of your affection?”
you blink owlishly at the bard. “you all always are.”
venti coos at your words and the others can’t help but react similarly.
you sigh like an exhausted parent before pulling on a smile always reserved for them. “then how about you all join me on the couch while i tell you about my life in the other world?”
the men are quick to guide you to your seat in the middle of the couch. aether shushes itto because he started yelling in excitement, the wanderer and xiao have a glaring contest in order to sit beside you (somehow alhaitham and cyno are doing the exact same thing on the other side), kaeya and thoma prepare drinks and snacks for everyone and the rest make peace with the seats they’re sat at. as long as you are in their view, not a single complaint leaves their lips.
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leverage-ot3 · 1 month
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Is leverage redemption worth watching? I love Leverage but idk if i could enjoy the show if hardison isn't in most episodes or if the reboot sells out in some way.
okay so I showed up to this ask like four months late with a smoothie so I'm sorry about that BUT
does redemption have it's flaws? yes, I will be the first to admit that!
however, as someone who deeply loves leverage, the characters and what the show stands for, I still can find myself enjoying redemption.
there's one post that's in my drafts talking about the differences between the og and redemption and the so-called universe physics (how logic works in both shows and how they are the same/differ) and there are definitely some differences. there are some really good posts comparing them in the tags and I'll try to tag them as watch redemption when they come up!
I'm going to be really honest right now and say that (no shade) I feel like redemption s1-2 were lacking because john rogers was not a main writer for them. devlin and the others are great and know their stuff, but redemption was missing some of the grit (balanced with everything else) that the original run had. redemption is more fun and lighthearted (where the og was still fun and had comedic elements but also had a more jaded perspective). I think part of that change is the absence of nate as a character and what he brought to the table, but the other part of that is very much the way the show is written overall
I have seen some criticism about parker being a caricature of what she was in the original run (ex: how she goes to a child's psychologist and uses puppets sometimes, is overtly weird, more loud about stuff, etc) BUT I will say that I think there's some nuance to that
I don't think the child psychiatrist thing is infantalizing- some methods of therapy work for people more than others and that is me speaking as someone who works in mental health. if play therapy and stuff like that work for you as an adult, good for you! whatever works for you is more than enough the overtly and loudly being weird thing I really do think can be taken either way. in the original run part of parker's character progression was that she was learning how to interact with people normally (or at least more efficiently), but her being more out about that now can be taken as she is more comfortable in her skin and acting like she wants because she is surrounded by people who love and support her. maybe she doesn't want to (or have to!) mask all the time and I don't see a problem with that
HOWEVER! there are certain criticisms that are related to her characterizations and overlaps with her autism and I don't want to speak over the autism community about those aspects and how they have manifested in her character in redemption so I'm leaving it there
as for the hardison being absent aspect- I was REALLY afraid of that at first BUT the loss isn't so deeply impactful when you have characters like breanna and harry added to the mix. I went in ambivalent about harry and excited to have breanna (a canon queer) joining the team, but I have come to love and cherish both of them dearly and wouldn't want to replace them or lose them as characters in this found family ensemble. I think the writers handled aldis' packed schedule really well and even though he isn't there in most episodes, his presence is still very much around. parker and eliot talk about him and reference him when he's gone. so do sophie and breanna, even harry. he isn't on the screen but the relationships he's formed with the other characters and the impact he's had on them is very evident.
there are some takes from users about whether or not the ot3 was queerbait, un-canoned, etc in redemption. I have a lot of thoughts about it and a lot of them are incomprehensible but what I can say is that I have renewed hopes for the progression and canon development of their relationship now that john rogers is back as the main writer for s3
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lightlycareless · 3 months
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How strict is Naoya in his parenting style and how might that appear when he’s parenting the child he’s chosen to succeed him? I’m sure it’ll look different than how Naobito treated him but I also wonder if he’d have struggles falling into old patterns on occasion
Hello!
Another interesting ask 👀👀 One I haven't wondered to myself, always thinking that he'd be like, spoiling his kids rotten... but anyways!!!
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If we’re talking about the version of Naoya that doesn’t care about anything else but himself, then yeah, he’s going to be super strict + detached. You cannot force him to care and will undoubtedly replicate the things he saw when growing up to his kid; his children are going to hate him, and I think… Naoya might hate them too.
However, we’re talking about a man that has you as his wife, whom he loves very much and has slowly begun to change for the better, learning that he too is deserving of happiness and capable of harboring such feeling, which he tries his best to extend over to his children 😊
It’s not easy, certainly not with someone as the Zen’in as relatives, but he does his best to raise them in an environment vastly different from his. And if there’s a silver lining to all this, is that he has such bad examples around him, that he knows what not to do lol.
The real issue here is when it comes to putting down boundaries, in other words, dealing with the consequences of their never-ending, unrestricted doting.
I mean, there was no way they knew it would be difficult, right? Everything had been nothing but smooth sailing when (for example’s sake) Naomi was a baby! She was just an adorable toddler, as well as their first child, so they had to give her all that she wanted, and more; besides, she was too young to know any better, and as first-time parents, you deserved to do this!
What could go wrong?
The two would soon find out the moment she begins to walk, talk, and, you know… everything else.
Because Naoya and you had spoiled/doted on her so much, she thinks that your warnings are, well, playful suggestions; and it becomes difficult to get her to understand that you two were being serious…
Leaving the two with no other option than to look into punishments.
I think this oneshot is the perfect example of what would happen when Naomi does get grounded, as well as everyone’s surprise from the fact the two actually kept their word and did it.
Because of her spoiled, and lenient upbringing, Naomi is exaggeratedly sorrowful. Straight up miserable which leads her to isolate herself from her parents, upset that they would “betray” her like this, which honestly makes Naoya and you feel like an absolute piece of shit, heavily debating whether to just save her from being grounded and move on!
However, you both decided against it after coming to the conclusion that this was, in the long term, for her good.
Yes, it definitely hurts to see her avoid the two, and yes, sometimes you’ll cut her “sentence” a bit shorter… but you always do your best to explain why she’s being grounded in the first place; one of the many things Naoya does differently from Naobito, and while it takes a while for her to get it, they eventually bear fruits.
Over all, the Zen’in clan is astonished that someone as Naoya was capable of raising such a well-mannered child (considering his upbringing and what seemed to be hers at that point.) but no one will deny that they’re relieved she’s not bound to be as crazy as her father was.
She’s still a child of course, so expect a lot of mischief here and there, but nothing too crazy—that’s for the youngest of your kids 🤭
Now, referring to the “old patterns” section… Yes. As any human, Naoya will undoubtedly fall into his old self from time to time, when it happens the first time though the reaction to it will be so, so painful to him, he’s actively going to avoid his children because he thinks of himself as a “danger to them.”
But that’s the beauty of families; you both have each other for support, so when he doubts himself, you’ll be there to lift him up and reassure him he’s a good father—and vice versa—by reminding him that it was not intentional, and him knowing such proves it all together.
These things don’t happen very often after years go by, if anything the two just become more lenient, when the rest of your kids bring it up, Naoya will quickly jump to deny it lol.
I believe the only places he’d be very strict though would be when naming his successor and training them to be sorcerers—but it’s all because he knows the dangers such responsibilities entail, and he wouldn’t want any of his children to be unprepared to face them.
So, the final conclusion is: while Naoya will be highly doting of his children, spoiling them with whatever they want whenever they want it, he’ll still manage (although very, very hardly, to his very best) to be strict when needed, but never borderline abusive—he’s at a point where he wants to give them only the best.
Doesn’t stop them from being mischievous little devils, but they’re all lovable, nonetheless.
Extra: he’d be a total soccer mom. The way he gets into it is kinda scary, but not unexpected, he is highly competitive after all…
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Y’all sending me these asks have me very very happy, ngl. Thank you so much for indulging me, you literally how over the moon I am to know there’s people that like what I do :’)
Thank you so much for sending in this ask! I hope you have a wonderful weekend, take care and hope to see you soon!
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abrthephantomq · 26 days
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Soooo....
Turnabout Storyteller.
I had already vaguely known about Uendo having DID due to me not necessarily avoiding spoilers when reading fanfic, but...
I have so many thoughts on this as someone who HAS the disorder they're representing here.
Like, one, I definitely appreciated the way they revealed it -- during a Mood Matrix session. Having multiple sets of feelings and having them switch on and off like that is def a thing. I've/we've experienced that before.
But also -- before that, when Uendo was switching between his "characters" and everyone thought he was just putting on a performance? Yeah, see. They did that really well considering that like -- yes, the way alters hold the body/the face can be really different. They certainly felt like different people, which was really cool to see. I liked the different poses they had because as I played I was like, "Huh... is he the character with DID...? He is, right?"
The thing is, I'm like 80% certain that Uendo is the murderer, and THAT annoys me -- but I'm not done playing through the case, yet. I just started the second half of the trial, so.... I'll comment as I go.
But if I'm right and Uendo IS the murderer, I'm gonna have to roll my eyes because soooo many pieces of media use my disorder to show HEY SOMEONE WITH THIS COULD BE A KILLER AND NOT KNOWWWWW and I hate that. Because like.... no.
OH THANK GOD. Like 3 seconds into the send half of the trial and it's NOT Uendo. Yay. Yayyyyy. I'm actually really glad they did that subversion of the person-with-DID-is-the-killer trope. Thank fucking GOD.
SIMON GRABBING ATHENA when she starts to doubt she can prove Bucky's innocence is just -- fuck. Okay. Yeah, I see why the fandom loves that particular moment. (I love Simon so much omfg).
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I am honestly loving this case and I actually really like the way they've presented Uendo -- it's simplified a bit for the sake of the audience, but at the same time, switching DO be like that. And you can certainly be co-conscious and share memory.
Like.... that's legitimately how our System works -- there's usually 2-3 of us up front at any given time, with someone generally more forward, while the other(s) listens / watches. Sometimes others push to the front. And there are 4 of us who more or less have access to the continual life happenings even if we don't always recollect specific details (or what we were feeling) later.
Also Owen being a LITTLE makes so much damn sense? Fuck, idk man, I love it. I kinda adore them.
I really really really got weary when Uendo's diagnosis was revealed because, y'know, the whole oh God pls tell me you're not the murderer even if it was kinda looking like you were.
That fucking balloon girl did it, didn't she? Jesus fucking Christ. I love that, but I also hate that. Also it's so unfair they made this chick so goddamned pretty.
Also man can I also say just how like.... they legitimately refer to Owen as a child, and Kisegawa with Ms., and -- that's actually a nice little piece of the writing here. Like... is it absolutely perfect? No. It's not. But let me tell you -- as someone with this disorder? Writing it and showing it for an audience is hard.
That whole, "everyone is unique" thing applies here -- every System is different. They all develop ways of functioning in order to blend in and protect themselves. Uendo may not have the denial bit that comes with this disorder (do you know how many times I find myself asking if I'm sure I'm not faking this thing? do you??? because like, it's a "rare" disorder, right? and was my trauma REALLY bad enough for me to have alters???? etc) -- but considering the confident way he, Patches, and Kisegawa speak about their experience with the disorder, I would imagine they've been in therapy for it for a while, now.
But also -- the three of them not being aware of Owen? Or denying his existence, at least? Well, they were either protecting him because he's so young, or they legitimately did not know since apparently he may only come forward when the body is drunk.
idk I love that Uendo et al was not the killer. Like so much. Thank FUCK.
Also that was a really fun case even if it was like, not entirely relevant to the overall story happening here in SOJ. I definitely enjoyed it.
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dancingwiththefae · 6 months
Text
at the end of all things
1.3k, Milva & Jaskier, reference to torture, flashbacks, hurt/comfort, potential (mild) book spoilers In a quiet moment in Brokilon, Milva and Jaskier come to understand each other AO3
“Rience is dead.”
The words came from the witcher's mouth with a wheeze. It wasn't a name she recognised, but then why would she. She waited for the bard's response. When none came, she risked a glance in at them. Jaskier sat with his back to her, leaning over Geralt. The witcher was still bed-bound. Sometimes she wondered how he was still breathing. For the first time since she met him, the bard was quiet. It was unnerving. When he eventually spoke, she had to strain her ears to hear.
“Are you sure?” There was a wobble to his voice. An uncertainty that she only ever heard from him in moments like this, when she really shouldn't be listening. But she couldn't help it. These people were strangers in her home. Her safe place. The witcher, she understood. Eithne vouched for him. They had a history, an understanding. The bard was a different story. Every inch the human. Swanning in here like he owned the place. His incessant chatter and naivety grated on her. He didn't belong here. He belonged in the comfort of cities. In moments like this she wasn't so sure. And that was what irritated her the most.
“Killed him myself,” the witcher replied. The tension eased from the bard's shoulders ever so slightly. He took a deep breath and dropped his head.
“Good,” he said at last, almost at a whisper, “that's- that's good.”
Jaskier turned away and Milva slipped away from the entrance.
“You should rest,” he mumbled, “I'll come back to check on you in a bit.”
The witcher hummed and Milva heard shuffling as Jaskier rose from the ground. He breezed straight past her as he left, either unaware or uncaring of her presence. Curiosity got the better of her and she followed close behind.
“Who's Rience?” she asked as she matched pace beside him. He didn't answer at first, heading away from the settlement. She followed in silence.
“He's a mage.” She almost jumped, she was starting to suspect he wouldn't answer at all. “With a penchant for fire.”
He stopped then and turned to face her. She studied him carefully. He refused to look her in the eye, he looked at almost anything but her. He worried at his fingers, a habit that she had noticed since he got here. He seemed to curl in on himself slightly. There was more to this than that.
“He hurt you?” she guessed.
Jaskier pursed his lips and looked down at his hands. And then he sighed and sat down on a log.
“He wanted information,” he began slowly, “information that I didn't have. But he wouldn't take no for an answer.”
Milva frowned, considering his words.
“He tortured you,” she said as she sat down opposite him. The bard gave a short nod towards the ground. They both descended into silence. She didn't know what to say to that. Something soft. Reassuring. Something like, 'it wasn't your fault' or 'it's going to be okay. They were not words that she could say because she knew that they were not true.
A small child with a bow in her hand who only ever wanted to please her father.
“Life's unfair like that,” she settled on instead, “the world is harsh.”
The bard chewed his lip, thinking over what she had said.
“You're right,” he replied softly, “but forgive me for wanting to believe otherwise.”
She hated him for that. She envied him. To still feel like there was good in this world, that things would work out for you in the end. She wanted to dismiss the thought outright. Call him foolish for entertaining the idea even after what he had been through. What his friend had been through. It was unfair. Unjust. Cruel. And that's the way it has always been. Will always be. The only thing to do was to harden yourself to it. If you saw it coming, it wouldn't hurt so much when it arrived. Yet he, who could worm his way even into Brokilon, who talks and sings incessantly, who has little regard for anyone but himself. He is allowed to think different. That, she decided, was what was truly unfair.
As they sat together, away from everyone else, she allowed herself a moment to feel the weight of it, just as he felt the weight of his own burdens. There was something different about him here. Like she was able to glimpse behind the mask, see the man that was underneath. If it was a facade he had, it was a solid one. But then, was she any different. He looked as though he had more to say, a crease forming on his brow, lips parted slightly.
“I thought-” Jaskier cut himself off and frowned. She waited silently for him to continue. “I thought it would be better when he was dead. I thought I would feel...happier. But I just feel the same.”
Her stepfather on the ground, spitting blood. The rage that had built up inside of her cooling in an instant. She gave him a few kicks and ran.
“If only it were that simple,” she uttered, almost under her breath, but the bard heard it anyway. The way he looked at her made her uncomfortable. It was like he could really see her. She had his full undivided attention, his sympathy, his understanding. She didn't like it. It was too personal. A part of her wished he would go back to being the idiot she had let into the forest so that she had an excuse to yell at him again. Eventually his eyes slipped away from her and she let out a breath. He seemed lost in thought. The air around them, though heavy, was peaceful and so she dared not disturb it by asking what was on his mind. It wouldn't have took much to guess anyway.
She followed his line of sight down to his hands, where he was rubbing his thumb across his fingers. Back and forth, back and forth. It was then that she finally noticed what he was doing. It was faint, but from this close, she could see the scarring. He worried at it rhythmically, soothingly. She couldn't help but lean forward to get a better look. Milva had been around long enough to recognise the tightness of the skin, the change in tone. They were burns. He pulled his hand back suddenly. She looked up to find him staring back at her. He looked as though he'd been caught, though she couldn't understand why. He opened and closed his mouth a few times and then stood abruptly.
“I should check on geralt.”
He made to leave. She reached her arm out to stop him.
“The waters,” she explained, nodding towards the scars, “they can heal you too.”
“Oh,” he smiled, the mask was firmly back in place, “don't waste it on an old fool like me.”
Milva wanted to argue, but something in his face told her not to. Instead she stepped aside to allow him past. He offered a small nod as he left, nothing more. She watched him as he walked towards where Geralt lay. The way he stood straighter as he left the safety of their hideaway. As he walked away, she was sure that what was shared between them would never be spoken about again. He was a fool. Fivolous and naïve of what lay ahead. But for a moment, she glimpsed something more, something deeper than that. And, she feared, he had seen the same in her. Well, if the idiot was going to walk straight into a war without thinking to protect himself, she was just going to have to do it for him. She went in search of her bow. It was time to go hunting.
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chaotic-autumn · 1 year
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feeling absolutely feral about the moment Stede finally realizes he's in love with Ed, get ready for some Thoughts
i've mentioned before how much i love the reading of Stede's character as autistic (and just generally how neurodivergent coded he and ed are) and I think interpreting his character this way makes the payoff of this Epiphany moment even more powerful. (might make a separate post on rom com plot points in ofmd sometime because i am unhinged about that too)
And it's SO important to me that this moment isn't played for laughs, because I am so sick of "neurodivergent-coded people Not Understanding Stuff" being a punchline. It's NOT written like "oh haha you dummy, DUH it was so obvious" (i mean maybe it is a little but in an affectionate way), we have compelling narrative evidence to justify why Stede doesn't understand that he's falling in love (and that Ed loves him back). And that makes it so so beautiful and affecting when he finally gets it.
An important coping mechanism for ppl with social anxiety/who struggle with social interaction is to really analyze the logic and intention behind social customs/things people say/etc. And it can be such a big EUREKA! moment when you do figure out the subtext/purpose of an interaction. Like for me realizing that the goal of small talk isn't to learn how the other person feels about the weather, it's a way of saying "i am acknowledging your personhood by acknowledging that you have feelings about the weather, that this experience, though trivial, is shared" made small talk SO much more bearable for me. (i mean sometimes it's still excruciating but at least now i get that it's not Pointless)
ANYWAY, we see Stede doing this in Episode 5 when he's explaining aristocratic social life to Ed:
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"...and dining is pageantry." (sorry for the mediocre screen grabs)
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And we see that even though he understands it, he doesn't feel comfortable with it or fit into it naturally, and he empathizes with Ed's struggle to learn the unspoken language of high society. (eg. "That's diabolical"/"It is") In fact Stede's whole storyline in this episode is basically about how much he empathizes with Ed's experience of trying to fit in with the "upper crust", and finally being able to turn the tables on the people who were mean to Ed, the way he couldn't as a child when people were mean to him.
But there's a limit to the helpfulness of this! Because ultimately emotions aren't always rational, and it can be really hard to interpret/accept your own feelings. Especially when you can't refer to an existing experience of times you felt/dealt with similar feelings. And that is frustrating and can be painful, and that pain can lead to avoidance/redirecting that pain.
(personal example but like: I spent so much time as a teenager getting so mad at myself for how IRRATIONAL all my hurt feelings and intrusive thoughts were, and that just contributed to the negative self image spiral. And it felt like this endless and unbearable cycle so I just constantly tried to distract myself with schoolwork/tv/etc)
We see Stede having this reaction a little in Episode 2 with Nigel's "ghost" (ie. a representation/manifestation of his guilt and self-doubt):
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And then the elder hits the nail right on the head right here:
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Stede feels guilty about Nigel's death, but Mainly (like fundamentally to his character arc in this season) he feels guilty about leaving Mary and his kids. But that guilt hurts too much, he doesn't want to think about that AT ALL, so he thinks about Nigel instead.
Now obviously he hasn't met Ed yet at this point, but this gives us as an audience important insight into how he deals with intense or frightening feelings (by avoiding them). This episode is also a crucial part of establishing the depth of Stede's self-doubt, which contributes to him not seeing that Ed is falling in love with him. I think that is linked to Stede not recognizing his own feelings for Ed, because overall he's just blind to the possibility that love is what is happening on either side of the equation.
And ESPECIALLY in the context of the queer experience it can be even harder to interpret your feelings in the love and relationships department because there's less language to explain it & fewer examples of it to help you conceptualize that "it's love" is even a possibility. Stede has never loved anyone romantically before, so he has no point of reference for what it feels like. Presumably, until becoming a pirate he hasn't seen examples of queer romance, so he has no script for what that looks like to refer to either. Basically, until the "what does it feel like to be in love" scene, Stede has no context to help him understand ANYTHING he has gone through emotionally since meeting Ed.
It's also significant that Mary is the one who describes love to Stede. Not only because of the closure the scene brings to the narrative by absolving Stede's guilt over leaving her, but because her relationship with Doug is hetero. It's permissible, it's familiar, it's instantly recognizable. She never says "I'm in love with Doug", Stede just knows. When she describes what love feels like, she's describing the internal experience of something that Stede has witnessed throughout his life but never been able to empathize with. And in that moment it clicks for him -- he DOES empathize with what Mary is saying. That is EXACTLY how he feels about Ed. (Because despite stereotypes, it's not like people on the spectrum are incapable of empathy, it's just that it can be harder to achieve because it's harder to interpret/extrapolate other people's emotions)
All of a sudden everything just makes sense. He's seen love but never known what it felt like, he's felt love but not recognized it. But hearing Mary describe it finally helps him put those two things together. He is in love with Ed. All those things people do for love in books that he could never quite understand? He gets it now, he can see himself doing those things because he is in love with Ed. The excitement and fear and confusion and intensity that has overwhelmed him these past weeks? That was LOVE. FOR ED. mother. fucking. EUREKA!
and and and AND in a meta sense, the epiphany Stede has kind of mirrors the audience's reaction to the scene. All those little moments he's flashing back to? Those were signs. That he was falling in love with Ed. Of course that's what they were, because we KNOW what romantic love looks like. We know how writers and directors and actors depict it on screen. and it is (or at least can be) no different between two men than it would be between a man and a woman.
This moment even more than the kiss to me was vindication for all the queerbaiting I believed could be queer representation. for johnlock and destiel and everything else. I wasn't crazy for thinking this line or that moment could be meant to signal romantic love. Queer romance that is just as layered and angsty and joyful and central to the plot as straight romance can exist on TV. Queer stories that aren't just about the characters' queerness but don't ignore it either CAN get made. We will put neurodivergent, queer people of color on TV.
And that's how this show increased my faith in humanity and revived my passion for my chosen career. Thank u for coming to my ted talk.
TLDR; Stede couldn't recognize what love looked or felt like until Mary spelled it out for him, and the way the writing links this inextricably to the trauma of growing up queer and neurodivergent in an unaccepting world makes me want to cry
a disclaimer for all my autistic stede posts: i am not autistic, i am a very Social Anxiety & Depression ADHDer. if you are autistic pls lmk your thoughts and/or if something i've said is insensitive or just Not Right
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its-moopoint · 6 months
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We saw who were the people at the funeral. No question about T holding his son than C holding him with T next to her. We saw C and her younger brother sitting together in the same row with their mom and sisters. No son in law with them. All of them were in the second row. But, OL shippers have crossed the line of decency and sanity a long time ago to still be shocked by the lies they tell their followers. They are psychotic.
Anonymous asked:
I have some questions about the funeral pics. I haven't seen the footage myself but Ive heard that Tony was there holding the baby. Was he there with the baby? If so, wouldn't the baby want to reach for his real parents ?
odessa-2
Please refer to my previous recent post of Kevin v Sam pics. Tony was not holding a baby. In fact I do not think he was present at all. He was subsequently photoshopped into that train wreck of a photoshop 'funeral pap shot'. Kevin was the black masked bandit holding a baby. They cleverly played some musical chairs in the church in an attempt to bamboozle. It only worked on some.
They had to quickly come up with a game plan for Mr Balfe's sudden and unexpected demise and the panicked foray resulted in the ultimate revelation of the truth. We got the proof we were all finally looking for under very unfortunate and tragic circumstances.
As for the baby and to who he belonged to. I feel that it's irrelevant at this point. Sam was clearly in attendance not only merely attending his 'costar's' father's funeral, but sitting right next to her, embracing her and and comforting her mother. Whether the baby was theirs and being held by uncle Kev, or whether it was a nephew of Cait's doesn't matter.
If you watched the stream carefully, it was evident that SC did turn around to face the baby and look at him. It was also clear that Sam was very familiar with another little boy who went up to the alter. So familiar in fact that when he turned his head sideways to show us his big ol forehead (purposely imo), we saw that he was authoritatively directing the young lad and instructing him what to do. That raised my antennae. Sam even stood up. We see you Captain .
It was such an explosion of truth and such a threat to their almost 10 year whopper of a lie some serious damage control was pencilled in. Hence why they dragged out McGoul for the 40 day memorial service and vanished Sammy boy.
balfeheughanmm
i really don't like having t’s face on my blog. if you scroll down you will see that i am telling the truth. lately this has been happening because of the issues we have been talking about here, but never before. my blog is about sc.
sometimes, to talk about a truth (or a lie), we need photos to better explain the narrative. THIS IS THE POST! this explains so much, guys. as i said before, Sam Holand Heughan was there so comfortably. so we see that no lie lasts forever. we all already know the truth. some still don't want to see.
and about the paternity of these children? for god’s sake! i can't believe a narrative in which she is actually married to t and has a real child with him and cheats on him with s. that's crazy. INSANE.
the only truth i believe is: s is the father of one or more children. they are a couple. a family. and the truth about this family came out at a funeral. so sad. actually everything about this is so sad and has become increasingly sad for me. i think that's why people leave the fandom. i start to understand them. and YES, they know that we know. when will they stop?
mariaae
Reblog for the truth!
jclovely
Death has a sting, in this case TRUTH was revealed. Hope SC will stop lying. It causes destruction and more destruction. We do not wish it to them, that is why we warn them. STOP TRUTH SETS YOU FREE.
citrinesun
There was much discussion at the time about the blond child C is holding. I’m not saying that’s not her child, but this pic of the child on the right does look suspiciously similar. The baby on the right is William, Prince of Wales at at the same age, more or less.
auburncurlslass
Wigs that can be purchased off the internet. Sam was wearing a wig to hide the fact that he had recently gotten hair implants. The shortness of his hair is evidence that plugs were removed and inserted into the frontal crown of his skull. To have this procedure done, the person's hair must be nearly buzzed to the scalp. Sam wore the wig to disguise his recent procedure. The number receipt is the shape of Sam's large forehead. There's no doubt it is Sam Heughan next to Caitriona. As for those Las Vegas photos...it's called AI and/or latergrams. Remember, he's an actor...all the tools of the trade are at his disposal.
Anonymous
Was t at the funeral ?
odessa-2
Not from what I could see.
2truthsandalie5
Agree!
I read blah blah blah rubbish blah blah blah. And it all sumps up in one thought: if they are able to manipulate and lie about stuff we are all are seeing happen live imagine the fanfic they've written over the years and share as canon that never took place.
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fandom-18 · 2 years
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Hi! :) How are you? I saw your request post so.. Do you think you could do Julian and Lucio x reader for the Arcana? Headcanons or a short fic idc. I can't think of anything specific for the request so you can just do whatever ig. If you could do it just gender neutral reader that would be great! Thank you in advance! :::)))
Request #2: Oh! Also.. to add to my last ask(sorry) romantic and fluff(maaaybe a little bit of angst......). Pls and thank you. (Just in case you needed a bit more specifications :))
Thank you for specifying, it made writing a little easier. And don't worry, it's ok)
With an s/o who's an Arcana
Type: romantic
Includes: gn reader, fluff, angst
Warnings: some angst, mentions death, mentions and describe traumatic experiences from the past, calling someone an idiot
Julian
Honestly, it doesn't matter to him a lot. You can be any species possible, even a centaur for all he cares. It doesn't change your personality, which was the biggest reason he started falling for you
Although Julian has many questions. Do you have an animal form? Does your body function in a different way? What do you represent? Mainly questions are connected to your health and body. He is a doctor after all, even though sometimes I doubt he's ever been to a medical school.
If you have an animal form, please show him. Especially if you're fluffy. He'll be amazed either way, but will be more likely to cuddle you.
After you two date for a while, he starts thinking. You're immortal and he isn't. What will happen when he dies? Even if he becomes immortal like you, what will happen to Portia and Mazelinka?
He will need reassurance. Doubts start plaguing his mind, and he needs you to help him with it. Even if he doesn't want to admit it.
Lucio
Before his trope
It makes his ego bigger than it already was. I mean, dating a powerful being who probably can destroy him with just one move but doesn't (always) want to?
One of the first questions he asks is if you can make him as powerful as yourself. And definitely pouts if/when you refuse.
He loves showing you off, for example at parties or when he's angry
After his trope
Hey, you idiot! My partner will kick your ass!!! - Lucio, too many times
Later on, he starts to realise you'll live longer than him. But he calms himself a bit by reassuring himself that you love him. And when you love someone, you'll make them immortal and, as a bonus, (almost) as powerful like yourself... right?
Well, this is awkward.
He probably found out when the Great Priestess or someone else referred to you as a fellow Arcana.
At first, he avoids you. He encountered the Devil and he really damaged the image he had about you and your colleagues. Sure, you're still seen as powerful, but terrifying at the same time.
After some time, he stops avoiding you, but still is a little scared. He will need time before he stops flinching from your touch. But when he finally feels better, he'll be as amazed as a child in a huge candy store.
Notes: Well, voilà! Hope you like it) I tried to make a mix of fluff and angst, and this scenario seemed great for it.
Honestly, I didn't expect myself to answer two requests in one day😅
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masterofrecords · 8 days
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On sworn fathers and sons
As I was translating the card for episode 6 of The Ravages of Time, I came across a conundrum. The relationship between Dong Zhuo and Lü Bu is typically translated into English as “adopted father and son”, but I feel like that’s a bit misleading. It is a similar concept to the “sworn brotherhood”, with the classic example being Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, but it isn’t as easily adapted into English language and Western culture.
I suppose it’s tempting to try and push a square peg into a round hole and try to find similarities between the concepts we are accustomed to and the ones we see in different cultures – I readily admit I’ve done that myself, even in the translations for The Ravages of Time, albeit for a very minor character. This approach has its merits, and certainly makes the media more accessible to the wider audience. But I think it’s at least fun and at most quite helpful to try and figure out what it really means, especially for the cases where the differences become important.
Even just looking into the history of specifically the Three Kingdoms era, there are many kinds of relationships that are distinctly different from one another, with regards to if the people involved changed surnames, had inheritance rights, as well as how they were regarded by their peers. They are all typically translated into English as “adoption”, which automatically loses some of the context provided by the specific term.
Looking into a dictionary, there are quite a few terms that can be translated as “adopted son” into English. They don’t all mean the same thing, and while some are much more likely to turn up in various media, I’m going to go over all that I’ve come across one by one. That said, there is some debate on how these terms are meant to be used and sometimes the meaning is a bit muddled even in the writings of native speakers.
I will include the more literal meanings of the terms here, mostly for convenience of referring to different words without overloading this post with Chinese characters or pinyin.
义子 [yì zǐ] – lit. “sworn/righteous” son. This is probably the most common one and the one used for Lü Bu regarding Dong Zhuo. The character 义 is also the one used in “sworn brother”, and generally “sworn son” can mean the child of a sworn brother/sister. While there are some rituals involved in recognizing someone as a “sworn son”, it is not a legal process but rather a folk tradition and therefore did not give the right to inherit.
Since “sworn sons” were often adults (like in Lü Bu’s case, for example), it wasn’t uncommon for someone to enter such a relationship specifically for the perks of getting a talented heir/powerful patron.
To better illustrate the relationship between Lü Bu and Dong Zhuo, I’ll once more turn to Records of the Three Kingdoms andBook of Later Han (the passages are almost identical in both chronicles, and I used both sources to make the translation more accurate; that said, I found the Book of Later Han version slightly easier to understand in most places) and their description of Lü Bu’s decision to kill Dong Zhuo in a conversation with Wang Yun.
"From the start, Minister over the Masses Wang Yun had a close relationship with Lü Bu, having received him kindly. After Lü Bu came to Wang Yun, he complained how Dong Zhuo had tried to kill him several times. At the time, Wang Yun and the Vice Director of the Imperial Secretariat Shisun Rui were plotting against Dong Zhuo, so he offered Lü Bu to join them. Lü Bu said, “When we’re like father and son?” Wang Yun said, “Your surname is Lü, you are not his flesh and blood. Today he didn’t have time to worry about your death, what do you mean by father and son? When he threw a halberd, did he also feel like you’re father and son?” Lü Bu then agreed to kill Dong Zhuo himself, as is described in Dong Zhuo’s biography. Wang Yun gave Lü Bu the title General of Spirited Strength [1], granted him the Insignia [2], made him a Three Dignitaries Equal [3], and gave him the Wenxian county."
[1] General of Spirited Strength – uh. Look. I kind of went with the poetic feel, but just for reference, this has been translated by Moss Roberts as “General Known for Vigor-in-Arms” and by Charles Henry Brewitt-Taylor as "General Who Demonstrates Grand and Vigor Courage in Arms"
[2] Insignia – it’s kind of… a symbol of (usually military) power? Like, you have this thing, you can command/execute/etc. people even if you technically shouldn’t have the right to do so. They were usually granted temporarily for a particular mission.
[3] Three Dignitaries Equal – someone who isn’t one of the Three Dignitaries (included Minister over the Masses – Wang Yun himself, Minister of Works and Defender-in-Chief; also known as the Three Dukes), but has all the rights of one.
(This has nothing to do with the sworn sons thing, but Shisun Rui’s title literally means “charioteering archer” despite being an administrative rather than a military position. I just think that’s neat.)
养子 [yǎng zǐ] – another common one, lit. “raised/supported” son. One difference between the “sworn son” and “raised son” is in the actual act of raising – while the sworn son is typically of age, a “raised son” is a child and needs to be looked after. In modern society, this is the word used for what we would typically consider as official adoption or fostering, and comes with full inheritance rights (the legal translation seems to be fostering, but, uh, I’m not a lawyer).
That said, the word had existed for much longer than the modern legal system; so in the more historical context this would be a bit more muddled and sometimes used almost synonymously to a “sworn son”, just with a bit more legal rights.
One famous historical example of a “raised son” is Liu Feng, who was adopted by Liu Bei. At the time, Liu Bei didn’t have a heir, but later, after his biological sons were born, he stopped regarding Liu Feng as highly as before, eventually leading to mutual resentment and Liu Bei blaming Liu Feng for Guan Yu’s death and sentencing him to death (or, more accurately, ordering Liu Feng to kill himself). Even before that though, Liu Bei’s heir was announced to be his son by blood, Liu Shan.
干儿(子)[gān ér (zǐ)]- a “nominal” son, also sometimes translated as “godson”. Is usually used as a complete synonym for “sworn son” or “raised son”, but I believe is a bit more modern and appeared with the decline in the usage of “sworn son”.
契子 [qìzǐ] – lit. “contract” son. A dialect variant of “nominal son” used in Hakka Chinese. Some Chinese-English dictionaries seem to give the meaning as “adopted son” by default, but in Chinese-Chinese encyclopedias I don’t seem to see it for dialects other than the Hakka varieties – I might be wrong though.
寄子/儿 [jìzǐ/ér] – lit. “entrusted/dependent” son. That’s the one that was probably the most confusing for me. For one, it’s used to describe a similar relationship in Japanese culture. I suspected it might be a less-used spelling of “succeeding son” (see later) – the pronunciation is the same, and some of the descriptions of the terms match – but the online consensus seems to be that “dependent son” is more synonymous to “nominal son”. Unfortunately, the search for specifics is made difficult by the existence of a Japanese manga of the same title.
假子 [jiǎzǐ] – lit. “false/fake” son. It can be used as a synonym for the previous variants, or for a son of a previous husband/wife, and seems to carry a negative undertone, sometimes used to express dislike of the person it refers to or the fact that he’s not considered by the speaker to be a “real” child of the family. In the examples I’ve seen it’s only ever been used by outsiders, not by the people actually involved.
嗣子 [sìzǐ] – lit. “inheriting” son, can confusingly also mean an heir, an official son from a wife rather than a concubine. This refers specifically to someone who is going to inherit after a person, and I believe is somewhat limited to nephews. Gaining this status meant severing the legal connection with your own parents and becoming, for all intents and purposes, your uncle’s son.
祧子 [tiāozǐ] – lit. “picked” son. Unlike the “inheriting son”, didn’t need to sever ties with their original family and didn’t need to call the uncle “father”. A bit less formal than “inheriting son” but allowed one to be counted as a member of both families essentially.
继子 [jìzǐ] – lit. “succeeding” son, similar to the previous ones, but even less strict, with this relationship not being limited to nephews. Sometimes also refers to sons of ex-husbands/ex-wives.
螟蛉/螟蛉子/蛉子 [mínglíng/mínglíngzǐ/míngzǐ] – lit. “corn earworm” (or the larvae of a bunch of insects – you know what, this isn’t a biology post, whatever. You get the point). It’s a metaphor coming from an ancient misunderstanding of how they propagated. Basically, some wasps often use the larvae to store eggs (and later as food for the hatched eggs), but people used to think that wasps didn’t have children of their own and instead “adopted” the earworms. Is used as a synonym for “sworn son” or “raised son”.
微子 [wēizǐ] – lit. something like… “a little bit” son? Used to refer to the son not from the legitimate wife. Mostly this refers to the first ruler of the Song dynasty, and I’ve never come across its “illegitimate son” meaning, much less the “adopted son” given in some dictionaries. (Fun fact for Weil specially: since the “子” character means “particle” as well as “son”, 中微子 is how neutrino is spelled.)
This is all the options I’ve found! Some are very niche or even questionable, but I wanted to be thorough and cover all the possibilities one might come across in various Chinese media.
To finish this off, with so many different ways to take a child into the family, there is also a distinct word to describe children of one’s own blood – 亲子 [qīnzǐ].
At the end of the day, especially in historical context, I think it’s important to remember that many of the relationships described above were not codified, or were only partially codified. The specific dynamic relied on the interpretation of a particular person, and as we’ve seen with some of them, could even be revoked at any moment when it no longer suited the needs of the individuals involved.
I hope this was helpful!
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queerofthedagger · 1 year
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Merlin Bingo 2022 Masterlist
It was a bit of a scramble at the end there, but I blacked out my card for the @merlinbingo for a second year, ey! Unlike last year, I got it into my head to fill them all with fics and also grab all the bonus badges along the way, because apparently, I like to make things difficult for myself—who knew?!
Once again a huge thank you to the mods for running this, as well as to everyone who reads my stories! This is one of my favourite fests in this fandom, and I can't wait for the next round <3
Without more rambling from me, a list of all 25 bingo fics beneath the cut ✨
don't you love the way (I drag you down)
[Merlin/Arthur | M | 2,3k]
M1: Betrayal | Canon Era
Merlin smiles, mirthless and grim as he bares his throat. “Come on, then,” he says, voice dripping with a taunt. “Are you not going to kill me, my Lord?” The bile is back. With it, nausea roils in Arthur’s gut. The silver blade glints in the dim evening light, orange and pink and shadows dripping off of it; a stark contrast against the virgin white of Merlin’s throat. ___ They have never been good at talking, exactly, but if anyone had asked Arthur how he thought this would go, the answer would not have been magic, a dagger, and the release of year-old tension.
brittle parchment, scattered truth
[Arthur & Ygraine | G/A | MCD | 1,5k]
M2: Pen Pal AU | Canon Era
But you are my child, and so you deserve the truth. ___ Five letters Queen Ygraine wrote to her son, and one letter that was written in response.
run deep, run wild
[Elyan/Gwaine | T+ | 1,3k]
M3: Bookstore AU | Modern Era
Viña del Mar is a city of flowers and fountains, of gleaming, towering buildings, and the ocean an ever-reliable constant against rocks and sand. He can see how Elyan, of all people, would like it here; for the first time since this little game between them started, Gwaine yearns to find him. To not only chase him, through foreign cities and more or less obscure literary references, but to dig his fingers into sun-kissed skin and hold on to it, too. ___ Elyan leaves him clues in bookstores around the world, waiting for Gwaine to catch up. There is nothing Gwaine would rather do.
The First Pride Was a Riot
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | 5,1k]
M4: Hugs | Modern Era
The first pride was a riot, and Arthur stands amongst the wreckage of glass on cobblestone. He stands amongst blue and purple and pink, amongst all the colours of the rainbow, and Arthur— —well. All that Arthur can think of is Merlin. ___ The first time Arthur goes to a pride march, he doesn't feel like he belongs, doesn't think that being bi has to change anything. The first time Arthur goes to a pride march, he meets Merlin, and it changes everything. As it turns out, Arthur discovers that perhaps, change isn't such a bad thing.
On Bending, Breaking, and Mending
[Merlin/Arthur | G/A | 2,3k]
M5: Napping | Canon Era
The teasing remark is already sitting on the tip of Arthur’s tongue but suddenly—suddenly, Arthur is so very tired of this game between them. For months now it has felt as if they have fallen out of step with each other, as if anything either of them said always just landed slightly wrong. He is so very tired of walking on eggshells around Merlin, each and every step questioned a hundred times. He is so, so tired of watching Merlin work himself to the bone and wondering whether he is the right person to say anything about it. ___ Merlin is Court Sorcerer, Albion's Golden Age is right on their doorstep, and still, things between them are anything but alright. Sometimes, the most obvious answer is the one most difficult to see.
bleed the truth (I will never re-undo you)
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | 4,2k]
A1: Tattoo Shop AU | Modern Era
Loath as Arthur is to admit it, there still is a part of him that has never moved on from the sixteen-year-old boy who let his best friend stitch black ink in disorderly letters across his skin, and let those same hands press him into messy sheets after. That has never moved on from the enormity of it, not in seven years, and he can’t help but think that if there is to be a chance to salvage even a fraction of it, the gesture has to be as grand as it all had felt, back then. “He knows,” he repeats, his voice firm, and the girl across from him watches for a beat longer before she shrugs and writes him in for an appointment two months from now. ___ They say to be careful about what you get inked into your skin; Arthur has never been particularly good at not being reckless, even less so where Merlin is concerned. It might take seven years and some detours, but in the end, it does all pay off.
What If You're Someone I Just Want Around
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | MCD | 2,9k]
A2: Secrets | Canon Era
Arthur has always known that Merlin is keeping secrets. He has known it when Merlin stood up to him in a marketplace, eyes full of defiance and not a shred of fear to be found. He has known it when Merlin swung a mace at him even though it was clear that he had never handled one before, refusing to cower before anyone, prince or not. He has known it when Uther had made Merlin his servant, and Merlin looked as if he would walk out of Camelot right then and there. From the first day they’ve met, Arthur never wanted anything more than for Merlin to consider him worthy of each and every part of him. ___ Sometimes, you love despite, not because. Sometimes, finding out does not change anything.
Nothing Left to Prove
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | 6k]
A3: Gym AU | Modern Era
“Your father really is a prick, huh?” Merlin says, approximately three streets later. Arthur smiles and tips his head back, trying to catch a glimpse of sunlight on his face. He throws his arm around Merlin’s shoulder to pull him close and says, “That he is; luckily for me, I have an amazing boyfriend who somehow thinks I’m a damsel in distress.” Merlin laughs and wraps his arm around Arthur’s waist, his eyes bright in the tentative sunlight. Arthur thinks that the best decision he has ever made was to antagonise a random guy in a gym, and getting put on his back for it without any mercy. ___ Or, five times Arthur appreciates Merlin's skill, and one time Merlin makes good use of it.
Like Honeyed Summer Days
[Arthur/Lancelot | G/A | 700]
A4: Protectiveness | Canon Era
The point is, Lancelot has never considered himself a religious man, but he is sitting in a clearing, late summer blooming around him, and there is a king lying with his head in Lancelot’s lap, hair spun gold and eyes closed with trust. There is a king lying in his lap, face turned into the palm of Lancelot’s hand, and the small smile quirking his lips is so content that Lancelot fears he will choke on the happiness of it all.
Live for the Hope of It All
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | 2,3k]
A5: Innocence | Canon Era
Arthur shrugs, tilting his head to look at him. “Are you mad?” “Oh, you—” Merlin says, pinching the bridge of his nose; it is solely for the sake of hiding his smile, Arthur can tell. “Of course, I’m not mad, Arthur. This is very stupid, but it is also very, very sweet which makes it, conveniently, very you. A little bird whispered to me that, unfortunately, I might be slightly fond of that.” ___ August days, a stealthy plan to make sure that for once, Merlin will take a break, and the heaviness of memory that tends to come with late summer days. Arthur wouldn't change it for the world.
Since Avalon
[Merlin & Kilgharrah | T+ | 100]
G1: Kilgharrah | Canon Era
Merlin knows when Kilgharrah dies.
gentle bite
[Merlin/Arthur | E | 100]
G2: Paddles | Canon Era
Impact; count out loud; rush of gold and warmth.
Four Anniversaries and a Bust
G3: Free Square | Modern Era
[Merlin & Arthur | T+ | 6k]
“Let me get this straight,” Arthur says, once he calms down. “You want me to spend my birthday at some kind of restaurant that I could most likely pay with less than what I make in an hour, for a piece of free cake, pretending we are a couple?” Merlin pulls a grimace and shakes his head. “Not really, obviously; I’d miss out on the cake before I pretended to be your boyfriend—” “You’re lucky that you are just as aro as I am; otherwise, this would be insulting as fuck.” ___ Merlin discovers that, apparently, there are restaurants who give out free cake on people's anniversaries. Really, there is no reason why this shouldn't apply to the anniversaries of a friendship, too. And if he and Arthur decide to stretch the definition of what counts as an anniversary a little—well, no one has to know, right? Right.
sacrifices (freely given; intolerable)
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | 2,3k]
G4: Whump | Canon Era
Well, the thing is that Arthur does not want to die. He wants countless nights like this, Merlin’s steady breathing solace against his side. He wants to find out if Merlin would let him tilt his head up, what he would taste like, beneath Arthur’s lips and his tongue and all the raving hunger. He wants the sun-soaked mornings and Merlin’s cold hands reaching for him, and he wants to never again see the red of Merlin’s blood well to the surface. The thing is that, more than anything, he wants Merlin to be safe. Unfortunately, the reality of Arthur’s life has always been that the people he loves are safer the further they are away from him. ___ The Questing Beast injures Merlin, not Arthur. This changes nothing, and it changes just about everything.
My Golden Crown of Sorrow, My Bloody Sword to Swing
[Gwen/Morgana | T+ | MCD | 2,5k]
G5: Deals with Demons | Canon Era
You can help me,” Morgana breathes, and she still does not understand. Gwen smiles, and she does not feel like a queen. She feels like a goddess, ichor burning through her veins. “I could,” she says, smiling down at Morgana. “But do you really think that, after everything you have done, I would?” ___ Gwen finds Morgana just before she dies. Morgana has taken almost everything from her, and there are things Gwen has left to say.
Felix Culpa
[Merlin/Arthur | E | 1,5k]
I1: Lawyers AU | Modern Era
“God, but I hate you,” Merlin chokes out, and it sounds horrible. It sounds like a lie, and the shattering truth of the matter is that Arthur has always been excellent at sniffing those out. There is a reason why he makes a great lawyer. Merlin simply wishes that things were different, at least in those rare moments where he admits it to himself. Ironically enough, most often that happens when he is drunk, or when he is about to come; ironically enough, it is still Arthur who, more often than not, is responsible for either. ___ It is bad form to hook up with the competition; it is worse form to keep hooking up with your ex. Somehow, Merlin's questionable life choices might lead to something good—great, even—anyway.
Golden As I Open My Eyes
[Merlin/Arthur | E | 2,9k]
I2: Frottage | Canon Era
In the end, it is for the best. In the end, these are the truths that he knows: Merlin has once been his friend. Merlin would never betray him, loves Camelot more than he loves himself. Merlin has always believed in their destiny above anything else, and Arthur— Arthur has always believed most in Merlin. ___ Sometimes, the unravelling of secrets is the easy part. Sometimes, what is most difficult comes after; how do you relearn something that you thought you knew better than yourself?
An Instruction on the Virtue of Patience
[Merlin/Arthur | E | 1,4k]
I3: Orgasm Denial | Canon Era
It has been a week; Arthur stopped considering himself above such things as begging somewhere halfway through. ___ Merlin is of the opinion that Arthur needs to learn some manners; Arthur is the opposite of complaining about the employed methods.
Bad Choice of Words in my Alibi
[Merlin/Arthur | M | 22,2k]
I4: Issues | Canon Era
“I never believed that you would betray me,” Arthur says, because Merlin knows him, even if the same might not be true the other way around. Merlin could tell when he was lying, when he was lashing out to protect himself, long before a bond tore down all the defences Arthur so carefully erected around himself. “Do not pretend that you ever believed me capable of truly hating you. I could not, no matter how much I may want to.” The way Merlin’s face twists reveals that there is another story there, and words echo within Arthur’s head, guttural and ancient—a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole. He wants to laugh at the truth of it, at the absurdity of it all. Here they are, a prince and a servant, Uther Pendragon’s son and one of the most powerful sorcerers to ever walk the earth—caught up in a fight over who possesses more devotion, who is going to ruin themself for the other’s sake first. ___ One hot summer day and an ill-advised kiss leave Arthur with an incomplete soul bond, panic about all his secrets coming to light, and the question of why Merlin is so afraid of Uther. Actually, scratch that—why is Merlin afraid of him?
Insult to Injury
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | 3,1k]
I5: Secret Siblings/Evil Twins | Canon Era
Perhaps that is why he feels bereft now, magic just another trivial matter between them; Arthur prefers his baths scalding hot, and Merlin loves blueberries. Arthur secretly hates killing more than he mourns his mother, and Merlin actually has magic. They both love each other more than they were ever meant to, but as long as they do not speak of it, they can ignore the cataclysmic consequences. Merlin doesn’t think he can bear it, to leave it as yet another unspoken truth between them. That this will not be what breaks him. ___ On a grief-soaked day in November, Arthur reveals that he knows of Merlin's secret. Except. If only it were that easy.
Romance, Romania, and Relocation (the Dating, Dragons, and Disaster Remix
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | 3,8k]
C1: Selfless | Modern Era
Arthur thinks of how Merlin has always been too selfless for his own good, and the tabs in his browser that catalogue the history of a dream he has never once told Arthur about, but that Arthur knows the shape of, all the same. ___ It isn't possible to raise a dragon in London, once it is past a certain size. Arthur and Merlin struggle to separate from Aithusa after the first year, though, no matter how much they both know that it's for the best. Sometimes, unconventional problems require unconventional solutions, and Arthur thinks Romania is rather beautiful, really.
Still I Surface in Morning Light
[Merlin/Arthur | E | 11,4k]
C2: Bodyswap | Canon Era
“Merlin,” Arthur says, and his voice has calmed, but there is still steel in the substructure of it. “You asked me to conjure fire; tell me how you've got the burn scar on your chest.” It is everything Merlin can do not to laugh, hysteria gathering in the hollows of his teeth; of course, this is the scar that Arthur would ask about first. “No. Ask about another one.” ___ An attack gone wrong leaves Merlin and Arthur stuck in each other's bodies. While Merlin thinks the most complicated part is that Arthur ends up with his magic, it does not take long until he is reminded that it can always, always get worse.
We Could Be So Good
[Merlin/Arthur | T+ | 5,1k]
C3: Insults that mean I Love You | Modern Era
A fragile, reckless kind of hope replaces it in the hollow spaces between Arthur’s ribs. He lets it grow, lets it twist around his bones, and then he keeps it there. Merlin is still going to leave in less than two days, and something might have changed between them, but Arthur— Well, perhaps, Arthur has missed his chance. The hope that things could have been different, the bittersweet regret of it, is better than the risk of rejection, of jumping now only for twelve months and an entire ocean to destroy it, after all. ___ Five times Arthur thinks that he and Merlin could have something amazing but doesn't make a move, and one time Merlin finally does.
Mine (pronoun; possessive)
[Merlin/Arthur | E | 1,4k]
C4: Marking | Canon Era
Tomorrow, Arthur knows, he will wear the marks with the same ease that he wears his sword with. He will press his fingers to them throughout the day, will relish the dull pain of them even as the court gossips behind his back, and let it settle something restless within him. ___ Arthur is used to how everyone treats the body of a prince as something not entirely his own; Merlin decides to do something about it.
our glinting, bloodied legacy
[Tristan & Ygraine | G/A | MCD | 800]
C5: Tristan de Bois | Canon Era
Ygraine marks her time in Avalon by the threats to her son’s life, and how many of those are preceded by an easy movement of the wrist that carries the blade aiming for his heart. ___ The rise and fall of a kingdom and its bonds, told through the spin of a sword.
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Cruel Summer Analysis
So, taylor using bisexual and lesbian lighting during cruel summer is so interesting because I didn't buy that this was about karlie in the way that conspiracy kaylors claim it is but I do recognize the karlie references in the song (karlie was married and had a child by this point... its not confirmation theyre still dating) but the fact that it's about Joe as well really confused the hell out of me but guys okay with folkmore and midnights, I think cruel summer is the opposite side of high infidelity (and bejeweled) and here's why
The song starts with "fever dream high in the quiet of the night, you know that I caught it" which first let's talk about lavender haze being a fever dream high !!! The next line is what immediately connects to high infidelity and bejeweled to me because it's so interesting, I love cheating taylor swift. Okay, here we get "bad, bad boy, shiny toy with a price you know that I bought it" this to me immediately connects to bejeweled bridge where she is done talking about the karlie/Calvin situation and she meets Joe for the first time where she is immediately horny for him.
Like, we know when she met Joe, she was begging someone else to put her in the penthouse and not the basement of their heart (Karlie most likely was with Josh and taylor at the same time, probably after kissgate their relationship was never the same... I wanna talk about the conflicting narrative we get about kaylor sometime but not now) and here comes a bad boy who tells her that her aura is moonstone (which is a very pale blue, which we know she sees herself as midnight blue aka deep blue, also in the song she sings she's got a blue feeling) and he is a "shiny toy" which is a call back to better than revenge... very interesting...
maybe she is trying to say that she was flirting with multiple men to get back at "her" and he comes with a price, probably saying that if she chose him she'd had to end the situationship with karlie (glitch vibes) but she's okay with that because she bought the toy anyways.
And the use of the pronoun "you" in the song makes me feel like she's talking about two people and here is why because she starts off the pre-chorus with a very intriguing set of words smashed together. "Killing me slow, out the window, I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below" okay I'm getting so many vibes here from high infidelity here okay
"You know there is many different ways to kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough" is fantastic because it can really be taken to mean either party in the relationship. Either taylor or her partner wasn't fully present (most likely both) and it slowly killed her because she was always waiting out the window for them to show up below or it can even be more deep and mean that she is in a relationship with Karlie but she wants Joe to be the one showing up at her window, waiting for her below so they can run away together???
It's giving love story vibes right, like the concept of Romeo save me!! And then we get the most bisexual line in the song I think, "devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes" like this is a bait and switch!!! Because in the bridge taylor says I love you but it's not to the angel, it's to the devil omg okay I'm getting a head of myself let's go slow.
"Devils roll the dice" coming immediately after "im always waiting for you* to be waiting below" makes me think she is saying here that her heart was torn between a devil and an angel (i.e. karlie) and she was kind of waiting for you* to show up and show her the you care about her. And the fact that "angels roll their eyes" comes after the devil taking a chance and rolling the die (playing games... omg... playing games... and he rolled the die because he wanted to win but the angel it was too risky so she just rolled her eyes?!?!?!?!?!) And then we get what doesn't kill me makes me want you more, which I'm still like in the high infidelity vibes tbh.
And also "flashback when you met me, your buzzcut and my hair bleached, even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me" joe not giving a fuck about her relationship and wanting her anyways...? Like he's flirting with her but she is still with karlie but she wants him and karlie is making her feel... tolerated not celebrated.
And I think I'm right because, then the chorus is about how the shape of your body is new but the feeling she has is blue (i.e. what happened during summer of 2016 she met Joe and wanted to be with him but didn't know if she should leave karlie...? Idk I'm not 100 on this but something happened) and then we get the most telling line for me "it's cool, that's what I tell THEM, no rules in breakable heaven" this to me feels like....
She is saying her relationship with Karlie was breakable heaven and there were no rules so everything is cool. But the use of the word "THEM" I THINK she means both the devil and the angel. She tells THEM it's cool, she's fine but they're killing her slowly because she wants more. She wants to be the penthouse of someone's heart, she wants someone to roll the die and take a risk on her, not roll their eyes at her.
Then we get the second verse, "hang your head low in the glow in vending machine, I'm not dying" like she's lying here obviously, this conversation they're having is killing her on the inside. Maybe the first verse is about the devil and the second verse is about the angel, because it's such a contrast right and to me part of the confusion because it kind of feels like she's talking about two different people and I thinking she is... then we get the reason why she is dying (aka being killed slowly by not being loved enough... in the basement of your* heart) because you* say that "we'll just screw it up" in these trying times, we're not trying. Is an interesting line because it seems to me like maybe taylor is asking you* aka karlie here to try with her and karlie is hesitant because they already screwed it up once???
And she changes the pre-chorus again, says cut the headlights (style?) And summers a knife, I'm always waiting for you to cut to the bone. Like, she is waiting for karlie to say something to her that will cut to the bone so here we are getting vibes of neglect and hurt and just toxicity that are unhealthy and not rep of the kind of love that taylor wants. This is where my comprehension of the song used to fall apart but I think with high infidelity/bejeweled, you kind of immediately see what she's getting at with cruel summer tbh.
Because then she says, if I bleed you'll be the last to know but we know that this isn't who joe is (you knew the entire time vibes, grinning like a devil vibes, oh I love Joe so much) but it makes sense with tolerate it and high infidelity and bejeweled actually. Like this relationship she is currently in cuts to the bone because of the things the partner says but they'll be last one to know!!!
Then we get the bridge and this gives me hits different vibes so hard, which is very interesting because hits different is about a break-up but this bridge feels like she's talking to a casual fling almost... because okay "I'm drunk in the back of a car and I cried like a baby coming home from bar, I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you" but in hits different, we know that the relationship ended so maybe the last part is a double meaning.
I dont wanna keep secrets just to keep you being about having to hide with karlie as well as having to hide her feelings for her "friend" joe????? Maybe karlie and her were broken up that summer and she was flirting with Joe and she caught feelings and this is why the bridge is like this???? Because we get a bait and switch in the bridge when we realize she is talking to the devil, not the angel, in the song. Because like, society wants to be in love with angels right but she really wants the devil (high infidelity vibes... seal my fate... like being with Joe meant it was sealing her fate with karlie who she thought they'd be together forever?) But also because at this point, she snuck in through the garden gate every night that summer just to seal her fate...
She was already living with karlie at that point so why would she have to sneak into the garden gate... unless she was with karlie but also sleeping with joe??? Like, idk, but this to me feels like she didn't mean it in a "snuck in to see you" way but "snuck back in from seeing you" way in high infidelity/bejeweled vibes kind of way because then we get the first time that SHE speaks out loud to the "you," in the song and it's to the devil, not the angel.
Which like, she sets it up so you're kinda on the angel side until the bridge where she says "I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard" and he* looking up grinning like a devil*
Because he rolled the die, took a chance on her heart and made her fall in love with him so he can have her for himself (sealed her fate, he knew all along because he was scheming too, etc etc etc) but the angel all she did was say they'll screw it up and they shouldn't try to make it work again etc etc????
Like, to me it just screams high infidelity/bejeweled/dress bridge vibes????
Cruel summer is the bisexual girl anthem.
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bluewinnerangel · 1 year
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right back at ya cowboy
Omg ella I'm so sorry I was gonna do this "later" and then it got buried. OK. I clicked. EDIT: I JUST FOUND THIS IN MY DRAFTS IM DOUBLE SORRY lol imma expose my ramble draft
[So in case someone's reading this thinking ???? we sometimes throw a spinning wheel of songs at each other and then just go rambling yelling analysing whatever it gives back. I've kept track with this tag, feel free to copy any of them wheels links and go off or bug someone with it actually pls do]
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Oh you mean that song I for some reason like some total idiot put on first thing in the morning and just bawl my eyes out, you know when its so early you're just so vulnerable and everything feels raw and there's no thoughts just something primal happens and it's me drowning myself in this song and then the day can start I guess am I fine nobody knows. It's now my Saturday morning ritual where before coffee I see some sun and I just bawl there's something therapeutic about it. I'd recommend it. Just some sun some coffee brewin some confused pet wondering if you're OK yeah.
Anyway. The song I can place extremely easily in like "1d ended and it sucked" context, but it works with a lot. whatever I can think of him, or anyone, writing about, whatever it means to me. (general Louis' songwriting ramble incoming:) I'm looking at FITF differently compared to Walls and previous work and he's approached it differently, I feel like what he's been saying about his discography fits that as well. I think (this is a mash of what i think to hear in his lyrics and in interviews, so heavy paraphrasing:) before he had this idea he should be writing where the whole thing makes sense to be about this one situation/idea and it has to be about him too and sure perhaps a context might have been written around it, but i think in the past hes been pretty perfectionist on having every single line fit the thing he was thinking of what that song is, and now thats no longer the case. Now it's whatever works, whatever hits, feels, does it. It doesn't matter one thought/situation flows into another.
I guess that was a long rambley way of saying I wanna do line by line lyric analyses of his stuff but I don't know how to make that work as it did previously, for me at least. But on the other by temporarily running with one interpretation and seeing what you can find in the lines can really help see more angles, bring more depth to the line, and consider other meanings and stuff so.. idk not much wrong with it. I wanna do that too I think. This is I guess A Promise I'll do a Holding On To Heartache lyric breakdown. At Some Point. :D
But I think his choices of words and soundscapes and perhaps all them being little references are just wonderful. I cherish it so much. I'm slightly afraid he did the same in Perfect Now (like after seeing a web of possible perfect now lyrical referencing that song did become one of my favs as I love that idea like it gives so much more body depth meaning whatever to a song to me even if not on purpose lol its not even relevant at that point anymore anyway) and long term didn't value it much so now I'm afraid my new little more poppy fav will be his new neglected child but time will tell. Just... have an itch. Rip. EDIT yeah that itch got worse because of the track by track we got now.. it's got that bit about HOTH being a poppy one and the way he's talking about it sigh i feel him but sigh also hes sigh i dont wannt start that discourse over that shit so no. but itch. I uh... luckily don't let how I interpret his reactions to his own songs affect the way I feel about his own songs haha brainpayne this.
ok ok ok last ramble it sounds so fucking liquid? so wet?? how do I explain this why does it sound w e t EDIT: help me he said the sound is like a guitar under water like he's drowning it's flooding we're in a puddle of tears this song, it's what makes me bawl I think, because the song sounds like bawling, and your cheeks are puffed up and we,t and you find a moment of quiet and stare up at the sky with your wet lashes exhausted defeated but you're still here you're still breathing. Also the bridge with the "space between us just comes FLOODING back" at the end of it, it's not the bit that hits the hardest in an obvious way, instead it kinda gets overlooked a way, theres no moment to sit and waddle in the SHIT FLOODING BACK RIGHT THERE it just goes right into the quiet bit again,there's no time given to recover from getting crushed by the wavesm and it just does something to me... I can't leave that bit as the little end of a big thought it sounds like, but the way its sung... time just keeps ticking and we're at the end. I'm almost sure that wasn't intentional and like @ me why focus on this of all the overwhelm that's in this song, but that just feels like a reflection of the feeling I get from this song, you're just fucking sitting there in the middle of this overwhelming ache these waves of hurt and shit just moves on and youre just there stuck there with but i wasn't done? But I guess I should be? Like there's no room for me drowning in this even more but I feel like I need to still?
ramble out.
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goremet-chef · 9 months
Text
guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)
so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me
my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer
so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.
to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'
that one, other one, etc etc
no one even calls me my name anymore
it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going
its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body
its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all
it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate
need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all
i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.
and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this
so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it
she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.
IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable
it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think
its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously
idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon
and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.
i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this
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phoeebsbuffay · 2 years
Text
Imagine: Obi-Wan’s secretive lover manages to escape Order 66, but he cannot reach out for her. In fact, for the safety of their unborn child, he’s not even aware she’s pregnant. And he doesn’t know that she died in labor. You end up being found by Clone Order 99 and fall in the graces of the Bad Batch. It’s all very good until one day he senses Force in Tatooine, which leads right into…you.
Warnings: drama as usual and fluffy, of course. References to “Clone Wars” and “Bad Batch”, maybe something about “Obi-Wan”, but no spoilers.
***
Intro
Ashyra was the last jedi trained by Master Yoda a few years after Dooku was corrupted to the dark side. The woman of pink irises was once told by Yoda about it.
“Too old for this I am”, said he. “After Dooku’s fall, start question myself as a master Jedi I did. Somehow hope in you there is.”
Force flew naturally through her. She possessed no signs of ego, no remarkable flaw; a general favorite, was there ever somebody as calm as Ash?
It was how the lady of pink eyes and hair yellow as gold captured the eyes of Obi-Wan Kenobi. It started as merely acquaintances discovering mutual ways of thinking in missions which soon developed to trust and friendship. But there was one day in space this friendship would start to show it’s true colors.
“I think the only way to get ourselves warm is to get rid of these clothes”, she suggested him.
It came out naively, but soon Ash and Kenobi started making out and in the discovery of something new, completely unbeknownst to both, desire sparked.
Because they both had enjoyed that night, they did again. Each time they met. At every opportunity. Until this became more than merely friends with benefits. There were feelings involved.
And all of this right bloomed right towards the end of the Clone Wars. Ash found herself pregnant, but she didn’t want to risk telling Obi-Wan about it when he was under great stress. It didn’t help either that, right after he left, she had to escape somewhere the Order 66 wouldn’t affect her.
However, due to the amount of stress, right somewhere in Corcusant far from the fall of Jedis and distant from the rise of Empire, Ash gave birth to her daughter, her only child. There were two friends she could entrust the care of this girl, whom she named Y/N. But she was also strangely weak as a result of a long and complicated labor. Puerperal fever knocked at her door.
She thus came to die. And for some miracle you survived.
***
Your POV.
You detest that planet. You tell yourself you are not going to last longer there. It’s been two months since Aunt Joyce disappeared under mysterious circumstances and never made it back. You are alone in this world and it’s scary as hell.
Living in the underworld of Corcusant provided you safety and somewhat comfort for some time. Now that you lost your aunt, however, who was meant to look after you?
You are just a girl of reddish locks and pink eyes. Sometimes you thought whoever your parents were to give you such a look—your aunt never made to tell you about who they were, only that they died because of the war.
The topic was sensitive to her so you never brought the matter to the table. Why should you think about it, though? You are now working as a mechanic when this big, huge clone man shows up.
And you know it’s a clone, even though you’ve never been up there to meet one, because you remember your aunt telling you stories about clones who used to be good guys. Until all of a sudden… one snap and they turned bad.
Your eyes are wide open when seeing this large, tall, muscled clone before you.
“Please don’t hurt me, sir”, you say it, your voice coming out in a higher tone than intended.
The clone looks at you, puzzled.
“What is a little girl such as yourself doing here?” But seeing you fears, he kneels to match your height. “Please, calm yourself. I am not going to do you any harm.”
You sense he’s speaking the truth. It’s strange how you can always tell people’s intentions, with you very rarely wrong on it. Nonetheless, you think you offer him resistance by crossing your arms.
“I am calm. But it’s a strange business you are doing here…”
A second voice interrupts the thread.
“Wrecker, what’s taking you so long?”
“Hey I have to deal to with a pretty strong head girl. What can I do?”
The one clone with a red banger over his forehead gives you a look and then back to the stronger one whose face is marked by scars.
“Really, Wrecker?” But when seeing the fear in your eyes, he kneels too. “It’s all right. We are not going to hurt you. We came to discuss business with a woman named Joyce. Do you know her?”
“Uh. Who are you?”
“Hunter. And this is my partner, Wrecker. We are not like the clones you might have heard about. We…are different.”
Wrecker is the one who inquires your name. In a funny contrast of his strength and his sensibility, you cannot help but sympathize with him.
“So, Y/N…” Hunter catches your attention again. “Where’s Mrs Joyce?”
The second you hesitate, he already knows.
“I don’t know. I… It’s been months since she said she was going to the market and never came back. I’m luck I wasn’t bothered so far by potential weirdos”, you tell them.
Hunter doesn’t like the idea of you being alone. Neither does Wrecker, who’s almost brought to tears by an eight year girl alone, looking after abandoned pieces of trash without someone to feed and care for.
“Isn’t it dangerous to stay here? Has no one come out to look for you?” Hunter knows it’s an uncomfortable question to ask, but it must be done. “Where are your parents, child?”
His heart is moved by your answer:
“I don’t know about them. I know my mother died when giving me birth, but my father must’ve died during the clone wars. It’s all I’ve been told.”
“We can’t leave a girl like her alone in a place like this”, Wrecker protests.
And Hunter is forced to agree. As much as he knows little to nothing in regards to children, the world out there is too dangerous for a girl like you to live.
However, to take you with them? A perspective like this is hardly helpful when it comes to preserve your childish innocence. Nonetheless, is there other option for you?
You seem to know the reason why Hunter hesitates. So you endorse Wrecker’s protests with your pledges—as if Hunter needs it.
“Can I come with you, Sir? I have little to hold me here.”
“But, lass, it’s very dangerous for you up there…”
“Not less dangerous than here.” You argue him calmly.
Hunter sighs, he knows it’s true. It’s better for you to be surrounded by a group who can protect you than leave you at yourself.
“Fine. How should I call you, kid?”
You smiled excitedly. Finally, you are going to leave that planet!
“Y/N, Hunter.”
You soon follow them and are introduced to other members of the Bad Batch, also known as Force Clone Order 99. Those are: grumpy Crosshair, the very intelligent Tech, the most recent member Echo and finally Omega.
“You were meant to find a new piece for the ship and you come with a child?!” Crosshair exclaims, displeased.
“She’s an orphan. She can’t be left alone in a place like this”, Hunter explains. “Besides, Mrs Joyce disappeared. A bad sign it is, if you ask me.”
“We should try find about her whereabouts”, suggests Wrecker. “Isn’t what we always do? Not to mention, we might just explode things that stand in our way.”
You chuckle at his way of speaking. Hunter, however, hesitates. It’s out of their league to go out in space in missions where they might not get paid enough credits for that. All the while Tech exposes his view about it, you sneak into the ship, exploring it. You’ve never ever been into one before so your eyes go wide.
“Hey, kid!” You turn your head and it’s the grumpy Crosshair who address you word. “Don’t mess with anything!”
“I was just looking”, you defend yourself.
“Let her be, Crosshair”, Omega intervenes.
Hunter comes right where you are and says:
“You know something, kid? We are going to look for your aunt.”
And that is about to be your first mission on the space.
***
You’ve never seen space before as it is. As you contemplate the vast planets, the different shades of stars and how bright and deep is the universe, you are all impressed.
The vision of innocence captures the heart of the men. Hunter comes to you and he smiles as you, sitting in the co-cap seat, are all mesmerized by the infinite universe that comes before your eyes.
“I guess you never saw it, uh, Y/N?”
“No. It’s my very first time here. It’s amazing!” Then you turn at him. “Where are we going?”
“We are heading to the Planet Y/C, where we have to give this piece of trash we purchased here and after that we are expected in Tatooine.” Hunter tells you. “But don’t go in trouble, all right? It’s dangerous out there.”
You nod eagerly. You promise him that you will be quiet. You just don’t say nothing more because you are too entertained with the enormity of the galaxy. Sparkling lights in different colors give another shade of the universe, whose planets seem so unreal to you.
“What can you tell me about these planets?”
It’s when Tech comes to you, more than happy to put his knowledge to use. You are actually listening to every planet he lists, giving you the characteristics of each that’s recorded in the system.
All the while Wrecker and Omega stare at the both of you, baffled.
“She’s actually listening”, says Wrecker, amazed.
“She likes the thing”, Hunter shrugs his shoulders. “Shouldn’t be surprising.”
Crosshair stares at you. Something about you makes him feel strange and his hand slips to the blaster that rests in his side. Something about you makes him remember the order 66.
Could you actually be a Jedi? Crosshair does not know. The uncertainty is what stops him for turning a good day into a disastrous one.
***
Obi-Wan’s POV.
How weird it is to be inflicted by this strange pain that continuously to hurt him in these eight years. He used to credit it to all the hell he’d been into since he lost Anakin, but when landing like the ghost he is now in Coruscant, his instincts tell him otherwise.
As he decides to look for her, Obi-Wan wonders why it’d take years for Ash to reach out for him. Thinking this is the reason why he’s brought there, to the ruins of what once was, his numb heart is about to bleed when, amidst the ruins, he finds out that the love of his life died.
There’s a monument dedicated to such a sweet woman, the Jedi whose heart had never been corrupted by greed, arrogance, pride or vanity. Obi-Wan falls onto his knees when seeing her tomb in dust.
Time may erase your existence, but not from my heart, my beloved.
A sob breaks the astounding silence that surrounds him. He’s lost so much. Obi-Wan’s spirit is bent by pain, broken by the losses of friends and family. She was his family as well as Anakin.
Another sob comes when realizing that. Must duty be the death of love? Obi-Wan has never been so fragile as he is now. He looks up at the monument one more time. It hardly makes justice to her beauty, to the joy that once habited in her eyes.
But what’s the point of grieving? He stands, his face wet in salty tears. He’s alone.
No. The Force is with me and I am with the Force.
It gives him some consolation. He promises silently to make justice for her. As he stands, however, Obi-Wan is surprised by a voice that tells him the following:
“The Jedis have not been relinquished to the past. Search in your heart and you will know.”
A shiver takes over him. Obi-Wan furrows his eyebrows.
“What does that mean?”
Another voice speaks:
“Search in Tatooine and the truth you shall find.”
At first, Obi-Wan thinks it’s about Padmé and Anakin’s children: the twins have been separated for their security and he knows that Luke is there in Tatooine.
But barely he knows how wrong he is to think that the boy is the reason why the Force is leading him there…
***
Your POV.
It’s in Tatooine where your problems begin. You have been with the Bad Batch for a while now, going into adventures in that planet before heading to that sand planet which you are not very fond of. But it’s there that the Force finally flows with you.
The proof of it is when your friends are in trouble and your desperation is the reason why you manage to destroy the droid that had been giving your group a great headache.
Where others are in bewilderment for your new powers, Crosshair is not.
“How did you do that, little one?” He asks you, seriously.
“I don’t know.” You tell him as if it’s no big deal. “What I know is that I’m happy you are saved.”
“No.” Crosshair says in a dangerous tone. “That’s not it.”
“Come on Crosshair, quit with this shit. She was maybe lucky”, Wrecker interferes because he’s not enjoying how much he’s been treating you. “She’s just a kid. Why are you using this tone with her?”
“Because I think she’s a Jedi.” It’s when he takes his weapon. “And the Jedis should have been destroyed.”
Oh.
“Crosshair, what are you saying? I am not a Jedi!” You shake under the words that reach you. “I was never told I am Jedi. I’m just an orphan!”
Hunter interferes too.
“She’s just a kid, Crosshair. Come on, leave it be.”
Tech and the others try to stop him, but next thing everyone sees is that you are almost shot by Crosshair’s blaster. You are so horrified by this, how could a friend do this to you? There’s little option than running. You don’t think, you just do it.
“Y/N! Don’t do that!”
You can’t tell which of the Bad Batch tells you, but you can sense the blaster so all you do is run. You try not to weep. You try not to think you are by yourself.
All you do is run. And run. And run. And run as fast as you can, climbing here and there, falling on the sand. You stand, despaired. Your brain begins to process the betrayal of those you thought to be your friends.
You want your mother, but she’s dead. You want your aunt, but she might be just as dead. It’s when you come to realize you are alone and about to be killed when you…
…bump into someone.
“AH!” You yell. “Please don’t kill me! Please don’t kill me!”
You try to stand, your heart beating fast. The adult male to whom you bumped into is ginger and with a face marked by sadness. Dressed in strange robes, he looks at you rather puzzled. You don’t care about this as long as he doesn’t kill you.
Fears paralyzes you and you weep uncontrollably.
“Hey, now. I am not going to hurt you.” He goes on one knee to match your height. “Come now, little one. Everything will be fine. You don’t need to fear me.”
You sob, your little frame is still shaking. You cover your face with your hands and little by little you give that man a look.
“How can I trust in you?”
You ask that despite knowing you can. But you have to be sure.
“I suppose that’s a good question.” His small smile is so full of sadness that you cannot help but pity him. “Who are you running from? I think I may help you.”
It’s when you burst into tears again.
“I am alone! I thought they were my friends! But he wanted to shoot me dead because…” it is difficult to speak all the while you sob. “Because he claims I am a…”
You cannot speak the word. The ginger male looks at you with sudden interest.
“What’s your name, little one?”
“Y/N.” You say amidst sobs.
The man takes a seat next to you. He makes sure the two of you are not seen. His eyes linger at your frame with curiosity.
“Can you tell me more about yourself?”
You give him a glance so full of hurt that his heart seems to break.
“Why would you care about that?”
“Now now, anger is not the…” he interrupts himself. “Anger is never the best way to deal with things, little one. I understand you’ve been hurt but, believe me, if angry fixed our problems, we wouldn’t be here, would we?”
He has something familiar to you as you to him, but neither are very sure. Nonetheless, you take a seat next to him and begin to calm yourself.
“I just… I don’t know. I thought we were a family.” You sob again. “I’ve never had a family.”
The man furrows his eyebrows. His gaze never leaves you. It seems as if he’s getting piece by piece.
“What do you mean by that, Y/N? Do you have no parents? Don’t they know you are here? You don’t strike me as one born in Tatooine.”
You look at him. He has to fight the urge to clean your face and wipe the tears of his eyes. But why should he do that? And then you shrug.
“I don’t know. You didn’t tell me your name, though.”
“Wise kid”, the ginger smiles, one for the first time with no sadness in it. “You may call me… Ben.”
You tilt your head.
“Ben.” You repeat. “Well, Ben, I don’t know anything about my parents. My aunt told me they died in the clone wars.”
Ben furrows his eyebrows, looking thoughtful. He is about to say something on the matter when you hear the sound of the voice of Crosshair.
“I have to go.” You don’t wait for him to do something about it. “They are close and I can’t be caught. Be careful, Ben.”
And so you run as fast as you could, leaving that friendly man behind as you do.
***
Obi-Wan’s POV.
He’s shocked. Perplexed to say the least. Obi-Wan cannot ignore what’s in his heart. The moment the two of you bumped… The color of your eyes that reminds him of her, and the color of your hair that is the same shade of his.
But can he be sure about this? Perhaps he’s been too lonely. He’s been caught up in the old days where he and Ash had one day dreamed about having a family together after the war comes to an end.
Which it never did.
The tears in your eyes, the suffering in your heart. He was so astonished to see you and the pain that brought a heavily disillusionment upon you that he could not think straight away.
No child deserves to have a heart broken in such a tender age.
Specially one who, by all accounts, had no family. The moment, however, he sees panic in your eyes is the very one where Obi-Wan feels an urge to protect you. He wants to earn your trust, but you slip from his fingertips and his heart aches because the truth comes too late.
You are his daughter, after all.
Obi-Wan has little time to dwell on the matter. He needs to rescue you. He sees strange troops marching after you—is that the Bad Batch?!—-arguing with each other. As far as he understands, there’s not a common agreement about one of their members coming after you.
Obi-Wan doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like this at all. He cannot waste his time trying to figure out why the Bad Batch is disagreeing itself or how come they seem disassociated from Order 66. Not when he can clearly comprehend that one of their members is after you because you are a Jedi. It’s what you tried to tell him, but your emotions naturally prevented you from doing so because you were scared.
Oh, little one.
Obi-Wan feels his heart weight down his chest, astonished when truth is perceptive crystal clear. Right before his eyes.
However, to amend his mistake he needs to check his emotions. Eyes are closed and Obi-Wan needs to concentrate.
Where are you, my child? Where are you hiding?
He sees through the Force you running as fast as you could, tumbling and somehow using the sand to hid you, a trick that surprises Obi-Wan. He could tell the Force is really strong in you. Uh-oh. He’s seen this movie before.
However, you are his daughter. You’ve grown without a mother and without him—not willingly so because Obi-Wan never knew Ash was carrying his child. Of course, he cannot blame her because of the war—forcing them to follow different paths.
It’s not the time to dwell in atonement, however. Neither to let the conscience torment himself. Once Obi-Wan knows where you are, he follows right after you. He’d not let the Order 66 take you away from him.
***
Your POV.
Eventually you manage to find a place to hide yourself. It’s when, to your surprise, it starts to rain. For now the cave is enough. You sit down and place the hood of your old cape to hide your face. You shake.
You are tired of crying. You hug your knees and stay silent. The rain surely would keep your chaser occupied or at least delay. You begin to fall asleep when you hear steps.
You stand. To your horror, you are found out. Crosshair is right before you.
“Order 66: execute all Jedis. Good soldiers follow orders.”
“Why? Crosshair, please don’t!”
He points the blaster to you and you embrace yourself. You close your eyes, scared. Any moment now you’ll cease to exist. You barely have time to count: the sound of the arm is heard but to your surprise it doesn’t hit you.
That old man you came across that day, Ben, is the one who shot Crosshair. How you wish things wouldn’t end up that way, even though you are mostly thankful for being saved.
“Y/N!” Ben runs to you as you run to him in tears. “Y/N! Are you okay? How are you feeling? I’m so sorry for letting this happen to you…”
He weeps too. There are many things in your mind right now, so many questions, but all you do is hug him tight for a strange reason. He is more than a savior, it’s all you know.
Finally, he reluctantly lets go of you. His eyes are searching for yours and there’s a smile on his face.
“You remind me so much of her…” You watch him confused as he wipes a tear away from his eyes. “We need to talk, my dear child. I… I… I don’t know where to begin.”
But for you it all starts to make sense now. Your face brightens up all of a sudden.
“Are you my father, Ben?”
You don’t want to get yourself disappointed, but the innocence in you comes so naturally that you can’t help yourself.
“Yes, my dear girl. I am your father”, Obi-Wan tells you and once more he involves you in a tender embrace. His voice is marked by tears when he says:
“I’ve never meant to stay away from you all these years. Or from your mother. I wasn’t even aware she was carrying such a precious child in her belly. I know my words might not mean anything to you, but, Maker, I can’t afford to lose you right now.”
You are somewhat surprised by his overwhealming speech. But also sensibly moved by it, you find yourself blinded by tears. It feels like the rain outside reflects them. Yet, because you wanted a family so much to call your own, you don’t feel any need to feed hard feelings. In the innocence that’s so spontaneous in you, part of who you are, you become the light in Ben’s world.
Besides, you could tell he’s been under great misery as much as you. So hesitantly as your gesture might come to be, you press a soft kiss on top of his forehead.
“I forgive you, daddy.” The word is strange to you, but sounds so warming in your ears that makes you smile. As Obi-Wan raises his eyes to look at you, his smile mirrors yours. “Just never leave me again, okay?”
“I swear, I’ll always tend you, my precious child.” He plants tons of kisses around your chubby face which makes you giggle.
Later that day, as both of you wait for the storm to come, he tells you the stories about your mother. Obi-Wan might embellish some particularities of how he and your mother fell in love, but you don’t mind.
Eventually, you fall asleep in his arms and he watches over you. He does not wish to miss any opportunity of looking over you. In fact, when seeing you dream about him and your mother, Obi-Wan feels a tear roll down his cheek.
***
Epilogue.
“What? The legendary Master Kenobi is your father?!” Wrecker exclaims, which makes you laugh.
“Very legendary”, you answer proudly, notwithstanding the fact your father shakes his head, denying every bit of that adjective. “Yes, I’m his daughter. I’m sorry, my friend, but I can’t keep up with you on this journey.”
“Of course not, my daughter. You’re not even ten! By the maker, how would you follow these men around space?” Obi-Wan then turns at Hunter, who’s clearly struggling not to laugh. “I pray that you haven’t given her a blaster.”
“No, sir. What kind of soldier do you take me for?” He pretends to be offended. “We were looking after her, though. I do sincerely apologize for Crosshair. I’ve never thought he’d come this way…”
Obi-Wan presses a hand over his shoulder and gives the man a small smile.
“Difficult times lies ahead of us. It’s a miracle that you and your troop haven’t been corrupted by that order at all.” His eyes go back to his daughter, how charming you are when talking to the men who compose the Bad Batch. Such an amusing scene to watch.
“Thank you for looking after Y/N. I appreciate it. I sense that our paths might cross anytime soon.”
Hunter nods.
“She’s a good kid, sir. You are very lucky to be her father.”
“Indeed.” Obi-Wan smiles. “Indeed so.”
Once you and your father part ways with the Bad Batch, Obi-Wan is told about your small adventures with the good clones. He smiles as you are chatty, and more than ever the former Jedi is pleased for such trait because he does like to listen to what have you been doing all these years.
“So where are we going?” You ask him. “Are you going to train me as a Jedi too?”
Obi-Wan sighs. The question he fears the most is finally posed. As he looks down on you, he is reluctant. But to deny the Force on you would be an unwise move.
“Not yet”, he tells you. “Instead we are going to meet an old friend of your papa.”
He then lifts you because Obi-Wan wants to spoil you. As you take a seat over his shoulders, you beam all the way. It’s a new adventure for you, one that gives you joy.
Your presence irradiates light anywhere you go, which brightens the heavy heart that’s turned into an undesirable burden for Obi-Wan. Until he makes it to their destination, he takes every opportunity to get to know you better so that way you two bond.
It’s when you get to the house where a man named Owen greets the two of you. In the meantime he speaks with your father, you manage to encounter a boy named Luke Skywalker.
As Obi-Wan is about to introduce you as his daughter to Owen, he’s surprised to see you and Luke talking.
“Oh.” He says. “I have a bad feeling about this…”
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thelovebug · 1 year
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transracial adoptee escaping abusive home situation
When I was 17 years old, I was being driven home by my father. A woman was jogging passed the car and he made a comment that really stuck with me, and reminded me where I was and what my role was in life. He mentioned how she looked as dark as a nigger. It made me think of what he saw me as, although I knew this wasn’t the first instance where a comment was made about my race. Whether it be about me or about someone else. I remember hearing, “how are you black yet you can’t dance” or him wanting to call a person he was arguing with a nigger. Everyday when I enter the kitchen, I am greeted with a set piece that features blackface. The microaggressions are too much for me, I was subjected to ruthless racism and hatred throughout my entire school career by my white classmates, and they did not move a budge to help me or support me. I’ve been in poor health since I was an infant, and I am grateful for them taking care of me but using my sick moments as a “gotcha” moment or to guilt trip me over showing emotions of anger or sadness. Constantly telling me how good I have it and I should be grateful. I was threatened and subjected to physical violence as a child, which stopped once I made it clear I would not hesitate to call 911 now that I was old enough to do so. If my father is not ragefully screaming, talking down to, or calling me a communist because I don’t like what he likes or agree with everything he says. My mother is insulting me or putting me through emotional incest because the man she decided to marry doesn’t care to be that stand in anymore. She is narcissist who would rather die than apologize for letting me get sexually abused and bullied. She calls me a pig, a monster, tiring, annoying, a whiner, a drug addict. A drug addict after I confided in her about how pot relieves my joint pain and felt like she needed to know I use it in the house sometimes, because I didn’t want to lie to her even though she lies to me every other day. Just recently she added on more trauma and resentment I have towards her when she stole from my savings account and said she didn’t feel bad about it. This is supposed to be my MOTHER. 
I have taken care of her and my father when they are sick or just don’t feel like contributing to the day. When she is ill she goes to me, I take her blood, as a kid I would rub her back and feet, when she’s confused or doesn’t know what to do, she asks ME for help. When my father was in the hospital because of his own stupidity and ignorance towards his health, she felt more inclined to take care of him, a man who once referred to her as a fat bitch, right in front of me as a child than her kids. When I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 12, the hospital staff taught her how figure out dosages, which eventually she would have to teach me. This did not happen, and even when I asked to be taught, she said she forgot. It wasn’t until I asked my new doctor to teach me again, that I figured it out but because of my own stubborness, I didn’t ask until I was 18. The older I got the more I felt ignored, hated, and their resentment towards me grew. They resented any thought or plea from me about wanting to know my family history or when I wanted to connect more with my culture or community, my mom even refused to let me see black friends. They make fun of my bonnet, the way I sound, talk, what I know, what I don’t know. I never got know my culture, I want to wear braids, I want to listen to black artists and gush over them, I want to love myself freely and without shame. I want to be gay, I want to have a girlfriend, I want to explore my gender. I just want to be free. I can’t stay in the same house I was touched and abused in anymore. My job isn’t giving me any shifts, and I’m still searching for one that will work around my disabilities and I can get to within a 10 mile radius. My father is the only one who can give me transportation but he is an awful driver who gets into frequent accidents, and has driven drunk on multiple occasions and gave me the rule that to work, the location has to be within 10 miles. I am at the end of the road at this point, if I can’t get a car for myself (since I’m not allowed to drive despite having a license) then I feel like I will die here. I do not have external family due to adoption, and I do not trust either sides of my parents extended family. 
I feel like the system has failed me. Because of some random lawyer or social worker, I was placed here when I was still in infancy, with a family who I feel I can personally never call my true family. Family does not subject their kids to things I have been through. I would’ve rather been aborted than born at all if this was gonna be my future. I don’t know and will never know my real mom or dad and there aren’t any ways to fix this, my original birth certificate was altered. I started this GFM so I can start again, to have a life before it’s too late. I’m only 20 and I turn 21 next month but I feel physically and mentally exhausted to the point where I feel my chest ache and can’t move. Even if you can’t donate please share my story and I want everyone to know that transracial adoption is harmful, anti-black, painful and the silence concerning it is deafening and I will never forgive the adults who decided to put me in this position before I could even speak. 
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