#songs that make you feel inexplicably sad

[ioniiaa]

My Darling, My Honey

Alastor X Fem!Reader (Part 2)

Part 1 | Part 2

Quick Notes:

This is when both reader/you and Alastor are both alive. (... we'll probably end up in hell later on btw so stay tuned...)

Reader is an artist/painter.

Part 2:

Every day and night you had to stay trapped at home, it felt like nails on a chalkboard after that one fateful meeting that night.

The only thing that made the time bearable was the radio. Alastor told you he hosted a radio show. As so, you soon became one of his most loyal listeners. Anything to relive the moment when you felt like a person again.

So when the night finally came, that you could escape to Mimzy's establishment the next town over, you were over the moon at the chance to see Alastor again.

Luckily for you, your husband was going to be away for a week this time.

That night, you made it to the bar a bit later than usual, you had to be extra sure that it was safe to leave town unnoticed after a close call of almost being discovered by some relatives that lived nearby.

When you enter the bar, you hear some piano music. It wasn't unusual for Mimzy to invite musicians or let patrons play some music at the piano that resides in the bar, as long as they didn't get boo'ed off the stage. But this music stirred something in your soul, making you hurry into the bar.

It was Alastor.

You gasp, your heart beating a million miles a minute. You were so drawn to him. In this moment, the jazzy music that filled the air and filled up all the holes in your heart. You were captivated. So captivated, that you forgo greeting Mimzy and the bar entirely, in favor of walking over to Alastor at the piano.

He gives you a surprised look before smiling and immersing himself in the music once more.

You smile back and you can't help but sing along to Alastor's piano playing. The song was a classic, and also one your personal favorites.

As you sing, you sit down on the piano bench next to him. You notice he doesn't open his eyes, but the smile on his face deepens as your duet continues.

When your song comes to an end, it feels like you came back down to earth. The bar erupted in applause, the embarrassment flushing your whole face pink. You look over to Alastor who's looking at you with such a warm expression.

"My dear, what a lovely voice you have. Your talents truly seem boundless. I am quite surprised you knew that song."

You spend the rest of the night tucked away in a private corner talking with Alastor about all sorts of things, interests, likes, dislikes, deep conversations about life, and even your fears. But never once did you mention your home life, you'd rather die than let Alastor find out. The last thing you need is for him to treat you differently.

When you mention you listened to his every show ever since the night that you first met, his eyes light up and something in him clicked. He took your chin gently in his hand and brought your face closer to his, "Oh my, I have never met a finer woman with even finer tastes in entertainment~" which caused your heart to flutter like never before.

The tension and feelings between the two of you were palpable. It was clear to the rest of the bar that the two of you were smitten with each other, something akin to love at first sight. You tow were inexplicably drawn to each other.

You wish you didn't have to leave and go back home. But you knew you had to get home before dawn, even if you were going to come back the next day/night anyway. Relatives and in-laws usually liked to stop by unannounced and if they found the house empty, you'd be in for a world of punishment and pain. It happened once, and you would rather not relive that experience ever again.

So even though it pained you greatly, you had to say goodbye to Alastor. As you stood up to leave, Alastor's hand still held yours, you could tell he was reluctant to let you leave. Very rarely did he have the chance to enjoy such cultured and lovely conversation. With a sad and somber expression, you walked away, his hand slowly sliding out of yours.

"I hope you come back to me, ma chérie ..."

-> Part 3

#hazbin #hazbin hotel #fanfic #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor #alastor x reader #alastor x you #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor radio demon #alastor x y/n #x reader #x you #reader insert #female reader #fem reader #part 2

[undiscovered-horizon]

(tw for mentions of nudity)

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[After days of travelling, fighting and sleeping on rocks, a rest at a tavern is well-earned. Not feeling up to taste the nightlife with your friends, Gale and you retire early. The evening turns into something heartfelt and domestic as you wash his hair and hum a song he's grown all too familiar with.]

As much as Gale loves to be in the centre of your attention, it flusters him. He's grown so used to being the one doting and worshipping that he's quite unsure what to do once the roles are reversed. Is he supposed to gratefully acknowledge your efforts? Or sit twiddling his thumbs, taking whatever you give him?

How does one take affection?, he wonders in the back of his head.

The party downstairs is virtually inaudible to Gale as his mind is focused solely on the tender caress of your hands. The soap suds feel as though they transcend his skin and wash his very spirit clean. Or perhaps that's just what being loved feels like. His back is leisurely leaning against your chest. In some distant fantasy of his, you are reborn as his guardian angel.

I sowed rue in four little gardens In the fifth, I sowed periwinkle for you, Johnny

Your low singing is ringing in his ears the same way the church bell's toll is ringing in the ears of a saint - calling towards home. Gale shivers as your breath, like a ghost of love once cherished, brushes against his hot skin. The soothing sound of your voice is all too fleeting to him. If he could only grab it and bask in it any time he wishes to. Perhaps, if your place was among the stars in the night sky...?

Rue, my rue, I sowed you in the early morning I sowed you happily; grow tall, rue

He sighs, feeling your fingers tug gently at his hair. Whether you're washing it or rinsing, he's not entirely sure. The moment your fingers dragged against his skin, your nails scratched at his scalp, Gale allowed himself to drift into a comfortable limbo - somewhere between sleep and wake, between dream and reality. It is only by the melody of this song you so often sing to yourself that he can be sure he is alive and well. Otherwise, given the inexplicable lightness of his spirit, Gale might have thought he'd died and gone to wherever he deserved to spend his afterlife.

I sowed you, rue, in a wide bed I thought to myself that Johnny might come

Speaking of death: as the saying goes, 'curiosity killed the cat' and Gale, by his nature, can not help himself but die again and again.

"Not that I don't enjoy your little habit," he breaks the silence in a groggy, sleepy voice, "it's quite adorable if I may say so, but do indulge me: what is this song you're singing? I've never heard it before."

"It's a wedding song," you murmur your answer. Gale's breath hitches as he feels your lips stroke the conch of his ear. "In my hometown, there's this tradition of making newlyweds wade through the dancing guests to reach each other. If they manage to hold hands before the song ends, the Gods bless them and they shall be inseparable from that day on. It's weird how..." you hang your voice and sigh heavily, "no matter."

But Gale is quick to dismiss your silly belief that there is something uninteresting about your thoughts. "Whatever is on your mind, I long to hear it." The pleasing tone of his voice is more meaningful than the wizard's actual words.

For a moment, your careful movements come to a halt. He could, of course, protest the sudden lack of soft tugging at his hair or the pleasant scratching of his scalp but all complaints dissipate as Gale feels you resting your chin on top of his shoulder. "When I was younger, just a filly, I thought about the day I would get to nudge my way through the guests," you recall with both sadness and fondness in your voice, "but now I worry whether I will get to see the break of dawn. Odd how life can get."

He wishes to say something suave, to weave sultry words with skill comparable to Astarion's. Alas, he's too overly aware of your naked form glued to his back and your arms casually wrapped around his stomach. Yet again, Gale is flustered. "Oh, I'm no stranger to twisted and, frankly unfathomable, paths of life," he says, feigning glibness. "Having said that, you've managed to survive things most can't even dream of. If I were you, I wouldn't cross a wedding game off the list just yet."

No answer comes from you - at least not a vocal answer. You place a soft peck on top of his shoulder before going back to washing his hair and relishing in the song that reminds you of home.

The rue is withered but Johnny's not here When Sunday comes, I will be dressing up

Considering he has enough explosive energy inside him to level a city, wading through the mob of wedding guests shouldn't be a challenge. Although, if Karlach and Lae'zel are also invited...

But the doubt in Gale's mind doesn't let such fantasies go too far. First of all, would you even want to? Would you actually stand before him and proclaim to the entire world that you will love him for better or worse? As much as he believes you every time you profess your love to him, the longer he wonders about the proverbial 'until death do us part', the more he grows unsure. Because, honestly, out of all the people you've met on your travels, why would it be him? The man who famously makes bad decisions in the name of love?

Rue, my rue, grow green, rue I will cut you on an early Sunday morning

The thing that happens then leaves Gale even more confused about his own feelings and the matter of accepting affection:

You've finished washing his hair, taking your sweet time admiring the streaks of grey. Leaning back, you gently pull him along. His head falls back into the crook of your neck. If Gale had just slightly less self-control, he would have squealed when you kissed his neck and tightened your embrace around his midsection. You're holding him like a toddler holds their favourite stuffed toy and it's... nice.

Thinking about your trapping hug, Gale suddenly remembers something he wanted to share. "Did you know that a periwinkle is also called a Vinca, which means 'to bind'?"

A light-hearted chuckle rumbles in your chest. "Then I better sow a garden full of them for you."

_____

Halsin's version right here!!

(tagging those who shouted, y'all are the pillars of society: @cakenpiewhyohmy @hairlessgoblin @lillithhearts @day-dreaming-goddess @nico-ith @cakeboxie )

Your prayers have been heard!!!! (As though I didn't start writing this immediately after posting Halsin's version)

Changed the song at the last second because my former choice was a little too upbeat for the setting ("Jeleń" by Sutari, if y'all are curious)

#gale x reader #gale x you #gale x tav #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #bg3 #bg3 gale #bg3 x reader #baldurs gate #gale of waterdeep x reader #gale of waterdeep bg3 #gale of waterdeep fanfiction #bg3 fanfiction #bg3 fanfic #bg3 x you #gale dekarios fanfiction #gale dekarios fanfic

[sitp-recs]

Hi Liv, what are your favourite “they finally kissed” scenes

Thank you

Hi anon! Oh I love this ask, I’m such a sucker for first kiss scenes 🤌🏼 Here are some that live rent free in my head, all these fics are masterclasses in anticipation/payoff. Highly recommend!

Here’s the Pencil, Make it Work by ignatiustrout (M, 49k)

"I think you're so fit, Harry Potter. I meant that about the snow suiting you. You've got really lovely eyes."

"Oh," says Harry, heart kick starting again, pounding hard in his chest.

"Tell me a secret back," says Malfoy, fingers reaching out to, inexplicably, turn Harry's head towards him and touch his scar. Malfoy's fingers are touching him so gently, and he's smiling in his silly lopsided way, and he thinks Harry's fit with lovely eyes. Harry's drunk, and he wants him so much.

"I want you," he whispers.

"Oh," says Malfoy. His eyes flick to Harry's lips, and then back up to his eyes.

Modern Love by @tackytigerfic (E, 61k)

Draco’s still laughing when he steps closer. “The first kiss is important,” he says. “It’s how we’ll know if we’re… compatible.” He lifts his hand, slides it along the soft, sensitive skin just under Harry’s jaw, into Harry’s hair. He tugs, gently, pulling Harry’s head back just a fraction.

“It might be awful,” Harry says, trying for solemn, but even he can hear the low gritty sound of need in his own voice. “This might all be a huge mistake.”

Draco’s fingers tighten in Harry’s hair, and he leans in. “It might be awful,” he agrees, and Harry clutches at him then, digs his fingers into the clean tapering lines of his hips. Through Draco’s shirt, he can feel the solid shift of muscle as Draco shivers under his hands.

“It’s not going to be awful,” Harry says, and Draco answers low and desperate, “It’s going to be so fucking good.”

The Compact by astolat (E, 64k)

Draco had his hand gripped tight in Harry’s hair. “Why did you come?” he demanded again. He shut his eyes and shuddered as Harry moved on him, and then dragged his head down and kissed him. He held their foreheads together: they were sweating despite the chill, bodies straining against each other. “Why did you come to me?” he said again, a murmur, going low and almost tender, and Harry groaned against the bare skin of his shoulder and gave up the true answer, the one fighting to come out of him. “You’re my king,” he said, raw, and Draco breathed out one long satisfied sigh, shuddering beneath him.

Little Compton Street by @writcraft (E, 65k)

The strains of music filter into the space around them and Harry tips his head, listening. The smile on his face widens. “I’ve been speaking to the DJ. I wanted them to play a song, that’s why I came looking for you.”

“What song?” Even as he asks the question, Draco already knows the answer.

“Life on Mars.” Harry puts his hand on the wall next to Draco’s head, his gaze dropping to Draco’s lips. “Bowie.”

By the Grace by lettered (T, 140k)

Malfoy was desperate for this kiss, Harry realized. He had been desperate for it forever, if those things he had said were true—those things about his cells and his Pensieve and living on just a glance for weeks—and weeks—Harry gave it to him. He wanted to give him everything. He wanted to reach down inside of Malfoy with his tongue and hands and body and take away sad memories of loving and not being loved, replaced them with memories of this kiss. Harry didn’t regret not having loved Malfoy earlier; he only regretted the pain those memories must hold for Malfoy.

#asks #anon #first kiss scenes #long fics

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 3/19/2024

boy hope i never run out of zelda games to play or my mental health is going to Tank. there are very vague endgame stuff spoilers (not where zelda is, but some of the time fuckery) but i am going to spoil a bit of the rito sage quest. nothing is rot-13'ed. i feel like that's a fair compromise since this game has been out for about a year? please let me know YOUR opinions on recent game spoilers

listening

Thanks A Lot But No Thanks from the 1955 musical It's Always Fair Weather, sung by Dolores Grey. this was Dolores Grey propaganda in the @hotvintagepoll. i love a sugar baby song and this is sort of an. anti-sugar-baby song? a satitrical sugar baby song? she thanks suitors for increasingly improbable gifts (the state of Maine, et al) before killing them??

the PIPES on this woman!!! the comedic timing!!! she pulls out a gun and shoots suitors dead while thanking them for an autographed picture of john wayne!!! she pulls a big lever and they all fall under the stage!!! ive been having kind of a Time in the depths of unemployment and this made me genuinely laugh (not one short sharp bark of laughter, full on cackling).

thanks for the darling uranium mine indeed

reading

the moonstone by wilkie collins (and philip). this has been my falling asleep reading book. this is decidedly not a cozy mystery but the stakes are not like. so high i have to keep reading through the night to find out what happens. i'm having a good time with it, currently about halfway and still very irritated with rachel, the main character right now. i have not revised my "spoiled brat" opinion and i look forward to seeing if i ever revise it.

-

watching

The Three Musketeers (2011, dir. Paul W.S. Anderson). thank you mackintosh (this is a discard from my hometown library and no one needs to know where that is thanks). it's pretty widely available on free platforms rn which is how you know it's good. it's not Good is the thing but it is extremely fun. it is straight up the three musketeers but with an airship. milla jovovich jumps off an airship into the channel. milla jovovich does some assassins creed shit. luke evans does some assassins creed shit. there is an airship fight and an airship chase. it is So cheesy and unfortunately never got another sequel. it also inexplicably has some of the finest cinematic swordfighting since the golden age of hollywood.

this was a really successful impromptu movie night pick for a more widely varied gang than usual, including some teens. my bestie also enjoyed it, which i am So pleased by bc she has extremely exacting movie taste. this cast is so stacked for no good reason: orlando bloom, luke evans, christoph waltz, mads mikkelsen, matthew macfayden...

-

playing

i have a post in my head about breath of the wild and tears of the kingdom and their dialogue with each other about loss and grief, but i think that's going to have to wait until i have a little bit more brainpower. perhaps i can talk a little bit about how they make me feel about loss and grief, and how i was upset for zelda and her hundred-year siege in the last one but i am so so so desperately sad for zelda in tears of the kingdom.

i played through breath of the wild with a constant background sense of loss and grief. this is only partially due to the real-life severe depression and joblessness. i think this is a personal brain thing and not a game thing, but i did feel guilty when fucking around in breath of the wild and not actively doing main quests to save zelda. like i would look at the castle off in the distance and feel kind of bad. the champions (and zelda!) telling link as soon as physically possible that it wasn't his fault made me cry in real life every time. i get it's like a month max of in-universe time between games, but it still feels like he has once again missed SO much. i think this is sort of a larger symptom of depression in that i look at [REDACTED] in tears of the kingdom and get a bit hopeless about [REDACTED] and it's like. well i might as well go pick golden apples and not do main quests. time is meaningless.

i am really glad they kept the shrine of resurrection on the plateau in tears of the kingdom. if that hadn't been there i the player would have felt very unmoored. i cannot begin to think how unreal and depersonalized it would have made link feel.

enough of that! the hero's path function is so funny. there are such huge swathes of the map i looked at and said No Thanks! Not Yet!

my depths map is even funnier. eight lightroots so far. no thank you! too scary still! i thought until VERY RECENTLY that all the caves and wells led to the depths and was avoiding them. mistake! cool shit in caves and wells! some horrible boys as well but they are vastly outnumbered by the cool shit.

the rito sage quest fucked SO severely. i had so much fucking fun with that boss fight even though it took me a real life two hours to get up to the arena with the puzzles to unlock the boss fight. i also surprised myself and did not have to look up how to beat any of the puzzles or the boss! just entered a state of flow and looked up and it was three hours later! i know a lot of people are very grumpy about how this was not a totally new game with a totally new map, but i have nothing but praise for the mechanics in this completely new section. knocked my socks off. made me think but wasn't too frustrating. made me use all my powers and all my weapon types. it was simply a great deal of almost frictionless fun! some over the top sick as shit stuff that is the whole point of video games as a medium imo

unlocked all the geoglyphs and i am Upset. i am UPSET.

and now for some horse talk (TM): i kept the very first horse i caught out of nostalgia even though these stats are not very good. i think the naming scheme for this game will be H (the last game was C). the breath of the wild giant ganon horse is so funny. you can't do shit with this horse. you can't change the mane. you can't change the tack. you can't increase his stats. he's just There. Large.

tangential horse talk: why is this lynel in the wetlands. his feathering and fetlocks are going to rot off. he is going to founder

some places ASCEND works where i didn't expect it to: tree. water you can stand in.

i stumbled across the last power completely accidentally while trying to deliver some eyes to a mysterious god and this was so fucking funny. i DID throw this guy down a big pit in the last game and he never came back. i forgot about that.

also people were fucking gaga for rauru but why didn't i see people talking about either of these two last summer on this, the -girl affix site and the scruffy shredded boy site

some other bits and bobs:

i was so annoyed patricia was part of the compendium in the last game i fucking got her this time ok

very hashtag relatable languages moment

unrelated to either of those things, i have done the gerudo sage quest except for the boss battle and i missed two huge swathes of hashtag tunnel gameplay (going to find riju through the tunnels. simply went overland) and getting to the central temple chamber (simply used ascend). whoops

there's a little tower concept art piece in purah's room in the ancient lab! that's a fun little touch i really love, it really helps differentiate the games and show changes in the overworld between games in a very cheap and east way for the devs

bc i play these games like dressup simulators, i also want to note that misko's tents are also really fun, they really feel like they're from a much earlier era and i'm stumbling across an untouched archaeological site

-

making

garden update: growing along okay, it has been so so so wet lately and i should have bitten the bullet and bought the big expensive bag of perlite, the drainage is not terrific. i should elevate all the planters and that would help a bit too. tomatoes are bit leggy, i moved them out of the partial shade on the end of the balcony and in front of the window. i am a bit concerned about them getting scorched, but again it's been so wet lately they need all the help they can get. i feel like they're established enough to be pruned a bit to make them bushier but i am Afraid. there are worse things in life than leggy tomatoes

the pic on the left below: these bush beans are looking a bit strange as well. the four shorter ones came up, promptly withered their cotyledons, and i thought they died until they popped out their first true leaves. the larger ones i think may have some kind of mosaic virus but it's a little early to tell. these are bins that haven't been used outside (they stored clothes in for the move) and new dirt from home depot. either the dirt or the seed stock itself may have been infected? very strange. the cucumbers in the bin in the back (hidden by the beans) are also taking forever to get going. at least the sweet peas are doing fine. the spinach i planted in that back bin withered where the stems met the soil and died. i think it was simply to early and too damp for them.

anyway on the right pic above: these normie peas and normie climbing beans seem to be doing fine. that's dill in the gray pot and basil in the bucket, they also seem to be doing fine. just sort of a perplexing corner on the other side of the balcony.

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem

[paintedstories]

Can we get a part 2 of pay with the fire in my dreams?

pay with the fire in my dreams [2]

tag list -> @hyuniebeez ; -> @anny-bah

synopsis: who could have thought that the guy you have been falling in love with in your dreams was real and that he was a psychopath, and why did you like ......... it...?

warning: a little bit of angst(if you squint); both, reader, and Hyun-JIn are kind of cu-cu; mentions of running away.

add -> requests always open

song

part 1

You woke up tied in your bed, the first instinct was to scream but your mouth was taped, so you started squirming trying to get free from the rope.

"don't squirm, dove, don't be scared I won't hurt you," He said while walking closer to you and softly touching your face, so gentle and soft that you started to relax.

Was he really the guy in your dreams? The one you've been fantasizing about for the past time? This was a dream come true in the most serious way.

he watched as you visibly relaxed and looked at him with big eyes that pleaded to let your body free from the rope grasping your body on the bed.

"no, no, no my dove, how could I let you free when all I want to do to you is keep you to myself?"

he coyly asked as he keeps rubbing your cheek with the most loving expression that someone ever had towards you. An expression no one ever had towards you, well, only in your dreams.

him.

He was looking at you with so much love and another thing that made you feral.

as he continues to look at you he un-taped your mouth and kissed you gently but with so much passion that not even music can beat it.

you kissed him back, not knowing why.

No.

You knew why, You kissed him back because he was the only source of happiness you had for so long, and that now, he was here was something inexplicable but you had to touch him, to feel him, to feel that he was real, because in your dreams as much as you both hugged or held hands, you never felt him.

trying to squirm at least one hand away while kissing him making you whimper in the kiss made him raise his eyebrows and look at you then at your hands.

"are you trying to leave?" he asked with a sad expression.

"after all I did-"

"no! I want to touch you, to know that you aren't just a dream, even then when you kissed me, I have to feel you with my own hands, to know that this is not just a sick joke my brain pulled over me!" you said all that in one breath as he kept looking at you, at the end of your sentence with even more love if it was possible.

he untied your right hand first, rubbed it then the other, but when he held your left hand in his you rapidly hugged him fast and hard shocking him in the process.

you hugged him as you started crying from the overwhelming feeling of happiness, of the feeling of finally, finally having someone to be by your side forever, finally having that one for you, you knew he will never leave you, he basically knew everything about you already, all your imperfections, and you knew his.

"sh~ my little doll, I am here now, don't cry, I will never leave you anymore" he took your face in his big hands and held you to look at him.

"Listen here little dove, I have 2 questions and one of them is very serious" you nodded mesmerized by his beauty up close.

"are your parents here?" you nodded saying no "good"

he gave you a peek and the next question left you truly speechless.

"run with me"

"what...?" you asked shocked

"run with me, let's start our new life! let's grow together from our own mistakes!" he smiled brightly

"okay, my love, anything for you" he hugged you.

a new life awaits you, and your lover. with new experiences, new ups and downs but finally together you will do it.

you couldn't refuse anyway, he would have killed you, that was the other thing his eyes said. But you wouldn't want it any other way

#kpop fyp #skz #skz au #skz hyunjin #skz scenarios #hyunjin #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin x y/n #dom hyunjin #hyunjin fluff #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin x you #yandere hyunjin #stray kids #stray kids x you #stray kids imagines #stray kids x reader #mimis work

[sepublic]

Anyhow, I want people to understand the significance of me crying over TOH ending because. I generally do not cry. It’s hard for me to cry, I feel sadness and grief sure! But tears themselves are difficult. And as much as I love media, it’s very rare and hard for it to make me genuinely cry. Other cartoons and shows I’ve gotten into haven’t done it, but...

The Owl House genuinely made me cry. After the grief of Agony of a Witch, the lonely despair of King’s Tide, and so many other painful moments. The Owl House finally made me sob, genuinely, wails I had to cover up, hot tears, sore eyes and a dripping nose. I heaved and made myself cry even more, because goddamn is there such a relief in the catharsis of feeling this pain, and knowing it means you’ve felt something, you’ve felt happiness to begin with.

So yeah. The Owl House has always been pretty special to me. But I think this expression of how I felt was low key what I was waiting for, working towards, after the finale. The absence hurts, but it makes me appreciate all the more the presence it entails for TOH in my life. For the community, for the experiences, the analyses, the genuine fun and laughter and speculation! The hype and friends I’ve made along the way, me building up my own skills as a reader thanks to this show!

I remember being enamored by The Owl House’s first announcement in February 2018, the first ever, possible public reveal of that show; You could’ve only known it beforehand if you worked at Disney and/or were one of Dana’s friends. Something about Luz, about Eda, about King... The very premise itself, the magic. Something about this show felt special to me, I had a really good feeling about it I couldn’t explain.

I ended up checking Dana’s Twitter obsessively for updates, was excited when she posted this one art of Luz and King having an ice cream run, while Eda was displeased with a little demon trying to get her dessert. I expected mostly casual things, but something about the vibes, the magic and wonder experienced through the lens of Luz... It got to me in a legitimately depressive state of my life.

Because I was depressed. Suicidal, even. It was perhaps the worst phase of my life ever, and I hope it’ll stay that way. The beginning of 2018 felt like me finally getting over the big hurdle, that enormous halfway point at the top, and how it was all relatively smooth, downhill sailing from here. So it feels fitting that it was the beginning of the easier part that TOH was announced for me. All I knew were Luz, Eda, and King; I eventually gave up checking Dana’s accounts for art, because I was SO excited and impatient for this show, inexplicably.

That’s probably why I missed Dana’s little sneak peek of Amity Blight, haha... But anyhow, TOH gave me something to look forward to. Something to live for. And when I finally got a shot of Eda throwing treats to Luz and King, the former taken aback by the eyeball, the latter having it bounce off his skull. It didn’t make it to the final cut obviously, but it was my first glimpse of how the show itself would look.

I was in despair when The Owl House was delayed to 2020; I had to wait another whole year for it! And going from 2018 to 2019 was painful enough as is! But man... Was it worth it. The first teaser, the mystery and wonder it promised. My Bionicle brain freaking out over the reveal of the Boiling Isles as a giant corpse. 

And then the theme song. Me learning Luz’s VA, scouring very obscure media to get an idea of how she might sound like. And finally I heard it, we got other announcements; Eda by Wendie Malick, who made perfect sense, and King by Alex Hirsch, cue those obnoxious Bill Cipher theories I still hate to this day! 

Some crew members announced cupcakes they made, complete with banners like “Drinkers Coven” and I got hyped for this little content. I wanted to try cashew meringues because of it, and later recognized the repurposed frames of Luz, Eda, and King in actual episodes. I saw some concept art and expressions removed from the show, and was glad to recognize them later, as I did a frame-in-process of Luz wondering about her magical destiny.

I checked Tumblr but it seemed like I was the only person actively anticipating, and not just including TOH as part of a larger collection of media posts. I wanted TOH for itself, someone was curious if it had owls, I scoured the first teaser for a screenshot to satisfy them! I wanted more people in on it! I saw some clips, figured out Luz’s ethnicity from her squealing “Ay que lindo!” in response to King.

I made a few ancient posts, my first TOH post was me admitting I was excited and wondering if anyone else was. It got NO traction, at least not until much, much later... But that didn’t stop me! I had a dream where Luz was revealed to be disabled, her legs were prosthetics and Eda ended up giving her new magic prosthetics styled after owl feet. This would prove weirdly prophetic... Less so, my dream about Luz being the Anti-Christ (this was framed as a good thing), hence why she found the isles.

I speculated Luz was an orphan who had nobody, hence why she found the isles; But then an article mentioned her mother Camila. I went with that spelling until some end credits confused me with a typo that gave us Camilia, which led to a big fandom debate later until Dana clarified.

I analyzed the trailers, trying to figure out the plot and trajectory, wasn’t quite right there. I was happy to see TOH would have full 22-minute episodes, allowing them to get nitty gritty and elaborated, instead of truncated into 11-minute segments. Boy did that pay off, and looking back I can appreciate what a rarity that was, an achievement. People pointed out the anagram for me... 

I speculated on the titles, confused bits from Covention with scenes from the first episode, wondered if Escape of the Palisman referred to the tower. And in the end, the first episode finally came out, after I was enjoying Infinity Train Book 2, and I was enamored. It was wonderful, it utterly blew me away and was all I wanted and more. I had to get more! The moment Luz spoke of liking editing anime clips into AMVs and all that other stuff, I felt seen, and that was just the beginning.

I spoke my praises, but alas there was no fandom. The next week, I was surprised to find posts for the next episodes so early, and learned the episode was released ahead of time on DisneyNOW, so I immediately subscribed. I was excited to meet Amity Blight, Willow and Gus; And I was caught by surprise by how openly mean Amity was when she debuted! But I analyzed the sub-text of her actions and dialogue, and was vindicated. 

Amity was such a fun and interesting character because she really felt like a puzzle that we unlocked more and more pieces of, to better understand her. And I really got the sense of TOH’s re-contextualization and surprising character continuity, such as when King’s B-plot in one episode actually became the focus of the very next! You could tell the writers really cared about making a deeper story for kids and teenagers. 

One nice memory was when I wrote a post appreciating Willow and Luz’s friendship, the idea of Willuz as a ship; I took a shower and went back to check afterwards, and got notes! I analyzed the mechanics of glyphs deeply when they were first revealed, getting nitty-gritty; I remember the events of a few nights and what happened around me writing a post, comparing glyph magic to artificial replication of dragon breath!

I looked for crew art, which alerted me ahead of time to the existence of Emira and Edric, thought I didn’t know their names, and was delighted to learn Amity had older siblings!!! They were hers! Shoutout to @anistarrose who was one of the few people in the tag at this time. I really appreciate that post where you called out people constantly trying to make King into Bill Cipher in a serious manner, and the annoying implications of it. And how you realized a tweet poem by Dana foreshadowed Warden Wrath and the Emperor’s Coven... AND THE CODES TOO!!!

I distinctly remember this one meme video in the tags, a song singing “This girl is a lesbian” as Amity showed up as the punchline. I thought it was cute and loved the idea, I had no clue...! I even tried to analyze the dates on her diary entries because I was so obsessed with the show and wanted more, trying to see if I could figure out a calendar...

Spoiler alert, I didn’t. but it was FUN trying! Putting in all of this unnecessary effort for a detail nobody cared much for, because you could tell the crew were people who did the same, Dana even confirmed it later for herself! I remember being shocked about Eda having a curse, that one theory it was a Blight who did it. I suggested King being the Boiling Isles Titan, some Youtube channel even asked permission to use my post in discussing that theory! I was skeptical but checked and it was legit, and was pleased.

I went through that godforsaken Witch’s Apprentice game, realized too late the artifacts represented each episode and gave hints to the rest of 1A. I watched Look Hoo’s Talking, with Owlyvia and Horus, shout out to those who remember! I was amazed by Eda’s self-awareness in deciding things for Luz, especially after Luz briefly called it out in Covention. I found myself so ATTACHED to the characters, which makes sense since I hyped myself from the start!

I remember being surprised to see King wasn’t an overlord... Or was he? The original 2018 announcement suggested as such, but the way the show played around even after the premiere seemingly disproved it was fun. I speculated on what Luz’s magic track would be, enjoyed fanart of her in Potions as Eda was. Seeing Young Eda was a blast, and I remember being so distraught at the idea of her being cursed! I made a post wailing about it and Cat-Harman Mitchell commented LOL as I ranted about taking vengeance on the curser. Little did I know...!

I was afraid of a cliffhanger with Season 1A, but nope! Eda made it out despite the demon hunters! With a hiatus, I was left impatient and needing more. I scoured crew art, speculated on what Emperor Bellows would be like; Covention’s subtitles mispelled him as such, and Dana had to clarify in a tweet when 1B’s trailer released! I got into deep discussion with @fermented-writers-block about the show, about the mysterious owl mural.

I guess TOH was my first start at really analyzing a show from the start, especially since nobody else was around to do it for me. And coming fresh from reading the meta of those who did inspire me, I went HARD, reasoning that even if it was disproven, the process was fun! I analyzed snake motifs, the mysterious green hand that stole King’s crown. I made a whole diagram about parallels between Luz, between King and the Gildersnake, between ‘human counterparts’ to Amity and Willow and Gus. This definitely fed the revelation of Creepy Luz later on...

But yeah. To think the snakes did pay off with Luz’s palisman Stringbean; Back then people speculated as such with the title’s design, and I’m so happy to see it came through! I speculated on lore, wrote my first TOH fics, The Bile Coven and Amity’s Diary Entries, the latter of which I feel particular pride for since it was a character study of her that proved rather on the spot!

I was obsessed with the worldbuilding, came up with my own ideas. Imagined what Bellows and Kikimora were like. I waited IMPATIENTLY, and even had a dream where Eda was captured by Lilith, Kikimora, and Wrath, as well as some covenscouts... But then it was revealed her curse was a result of possession by the creature depicted on the mural; And it progressed to the next stage of converting her body to its own as she got more feral and escaped on her own!

The airship used by the Emperor’s Coven proved prophetic. And after 1B seemingly disproved this idea, 2A brought it back after all and I was delighted! TOH was and is a show that keeps giving for me, makes me feel rewarded for engaging with it, and is grateful even when I’m wrong, as Any Sport in a Storm’s B-plot attests. I made jokes about King being Mata Nui because I was a Bionicle fan. Someone saw a Grom poster in the background of a shot and suggested Lumity, but I didn’t get my hopes up... Hah.

There was a trailer that alluded to an episode of Luz and Eda in a snowy place; I knew of an article on TOH that mentioned a ‘Witch’s Arena’ at the Knee and guessed this was it. I liked the song that played because I associated it with TOH, found out for myself.

Rebecca Rose, shout out to one of the OGs talking about the show on Youtube! She made a wonderful video discussing Amity’s development and potential, speculating on her, and I felt SOOOO vindicated and followed her for it! As you know, she became THE fan channel for TOH, and was eventually ascended to a full-on crew member for it. We’d all watch her reactions and discussions afterwards.

Adventures in the Elements leaked, I correctly guessed it wasn’t the next episode but the one after it. I was delighted to see the twins be good siblings, and Amity’s casual outfit... Before that, I read a fic during the hiatus of Lilith adopting Amity from abuse (Remember when we thought she was that functional?), and it understandably depicted the twins as mean-spirited and basically apathetic. It was a good fic.

I remember joke-speculating that Bellows would be short, because I was projecting analyses of the Pale King from Hollow Knight onto him! I considered making an animatic of Farquaad’s reveal from Shrek but with Bellows, but alas I’d never actually done an animatic and had zero clue lol. I had another dream about Bellows coming in with the Emperor’s Coven to apprehend Eda, who became an even larger version of her Owl Beast form in response.

Then Summer 2020 came around. What a wonderful time of my life... New fans came in when they saw the possibility of canon sapphics with Lumity, and I was exhilarated! So careful not to get my hopes up, but look now... I was hyped to see Belos’ appearance. I analyzed the 1B trailer, took screenshots and organized them to guess which episodes they were. Rebecca Rose found foreign titles of 1B and translated them, and I did note how translations could skew the intended anagram. I remember “Mini-Problems” being an episode title...

You can probably guess the rest from here, since this was about when the fandom really kicked off. And boy did people stick around for it all. I felt delight in knowing Grom was sooner, due to Understanding Willow being paired with Really Small Problems on the same day! Two episodes at once, instead of the original plan for the last two episodes of the season together! I ended up regretting that low-key with the angst and pain of Agony of a Witch, which made me realize how much I cared for Luz, Eda, and King, and made me the closest to crying from the show.

I felt vindicated to see a popular artist like MoringMark begin making fan comics, I had no idea that’d be THE thing he’d be known for, after I knew him as the Gravity Falls guy. I followed Matthieu Cousin on Tumblr, got excited for that trend of dressing up TOH characters for Grom and sending in your designs, with a winner announced! I don’t think that ever happened. Anamanaguchi’s Prom Night became a thing thanks to a crew member, and who can forget Little Miss Perfect? Kwame rolled with the success and I was glad for him. Eda’s gray eye appearing after the season finale in the end credits shocked me.

There was the Reddit AMA, where I prepared lore questions afterwards and had none of mine answered, but we learned a good deal! Especially the telling “Clawthornes are a bird motif” from Dana, her being put into a headlock by a nun. Amity and Lilith weren’t close but as I mentioned a while back, Dana expressed that she also made connections with cartoons as a kid. Odalia liking her kids color-coded, hence Amity’s hair, and Alador being interesting. Which led to a bunch of fanart that proved off the mark but also not? Alador wasn’t THAT well-put but otherwise...

And that stream! That wonderful stream! I contemplated spending so much money via donation to get something. Eda drinking Apple Blood, Spencer Wan almost spoiling Lilith having a Raven form. Our first sneak peek at Hunter’s face, not counting his appearance as the Golden Guard in S1; We all guessed he and the Golden Guard, or “Owl Mask” were the same. I was stumped and baffled how he fit into Belos’ dynamic... Hoo boy. And we all thought Hunter was an adult, even Alador at first, because of those eye bags!

I wanted to see the coven heads, based on their banners we saw; I liked the Potion Head especially and even when his design proved different than I expected, it was still my favorite! I thought Darius might be a Blight grandfather and he DID have a connection... I had a dream of the twins working for Osran at a library and messing with him, recognized Mason from Covention, and dreamed Terra was named Botanica.

Christmas art of the cast came out, I was happy to see Emira and Edric happy there, after being saddened by Dana’s Grom art of them and even writing a whole fic about it, which I’m chuffed about! She also drew Mattholomule... I recall in the wait for Season 1B, she did some art of the characters. Gus playing games, Mattholomule losing to him; King despairing over stubby thumbs.

Fanart of the kids in quarantine, Amity declaring it’d be easy to stay away from Luz, to Luz’s sadness; Boscha being mad because she couldn’t talk to her friends. Remember when Boschlow was a big thing, until Understanding Willow killed off some of the hype? And confirmation that Willow worked out, which we saw come to fruition in Season 2; People were surprised but I wasn’t! And of course, Frewin being his own entity from Bump, and not Bump himself.

But back to chronology, I guess this is where I should end off. Sorry, this ended up being MUCH longer than I intended, and really you could write a book about my experience with TOH and the journey on a meta level. But those were interesting times, those beginning eras. Back when I didn’t feel the need to always add screenshots to posts unless necessary. And it’s making me nostalgic. It’s making me appreciate everything we’ve been through, the roots of my hyperfixation. And how it all led to me finally crying, because I really did build up THAT much of a love for the show.

I found my first fandom I really felt a part of, found so many people who enjoyed my meta and validated me for it! I feel I’ve grown so much as a person because of TOH. And as I nostalgically reminisce on how different the show was then, I appreciate all the more how far we’ve come, and what it is now. Snapping back to the present does make me sad over how much has passed and changed, but I also appreciate it while remembering the ideas I once had.

I’ll miss that era, and TOH as a whole. And boy do I associate that classic ending theme, how I loved the melancholy of those end credits, speculated on them paying off in the finale. And they did...! It feels good to hear it one last time after a year without it, due to the end credits being removed or redone. There was something so idyllic and dreamlike about that original sequence, capturing the feeling of coming home, and I’m glad TOH did that once more with it.

#the owl house #ramblings #long post

[rosze-v]

a softness only he holds

pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

synopsis: And it feels like the end and the start of a movie I’ve seen before

tags: HEAVY ANGST, written in 1st person pov, soft Bakugou, inspired by the song, ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine, descriptive kissing, honestly idk what to tag but this is quite heavy and it’s very sad

w.c : 1.2k

a/n: Halu! Oh gosh, this… this is sad. I was crying when I wrote this because somehow, it feels too close yknow. I hope this writing, though sad, soothes a part of you that loves Bakugou. Katsuki is really special to me and maybe that’s why I chose him for this piece. Anyways, please take care of yourself, if there’s anything going on, make sure you don’t hold it by yourself. I love you.

Eyes blinking at the grainy ceilings as I stretched my hand upwards, trying to reach it. It’s a never-ending reach, it’s like the ceiling is too far and I can’t ever seem to reach it. With a sigh, I took my hand back into my chest, and curled myself in. There is a deep emptiness in me, words ghosting on my lips. These things crept through my skin, like goosebumps crawling but instead it’s something more inexplicable. In my emptiness, my eyes fluttered, heaviness lay on my bottom lashes as a single tear glide down, staining the sheets beneath me; I closed my eyes.

“My love why are you crying?”. I jolted from the voice beside me, as clear and as loud, my head snapped up from my curled position. My eyes met Bakugou Katsuki who’s back was against the head board; his eyes behind those glasses stared at me with a softness. Upon seeing my terrified and confused look, he took off his glasses and places it and the book on his hand on top of my side table.

“Bakugou?”. I whispered, and the blonde’s face contorts, somewhat insulted by something as he reaches forward, brushing his hand on my damp cheeks. I steeled from the touch, trying to understand what’s happening. Sadness washes over his face, unsure on what to do as he retracts his hands back.

“Did I do something wrong? Why are you calling me by my goddamn family name?”.

“Why are you on my bed? No—How could you be on my bed? You don’t exi—”.

“Aha! I knew it!”. Bakugou said, as he approaches me again, his hands held onto my arms. Gently, he pulled me to his body, hugging me tight, my head on his chest.

And maybe that’s the explanation, maybe I did have a bad dream. A dream that was horrible and dark and empty, lonely. It has to be a bad dream because this feels so real. Skin meeting skin, a heartbeat drumming against a hard chest and the subtle caramel scent reaching my nose. He feels too alive.

Yes, that must be it.

So, I chuckled, pushing myself up while I place myself on his lap. I gaze at him; I could see everything. His red eyes, and his thick lashes, I held out my hand, letting it touch the side of his face. The stubbles on his cheek pricks my skin, Katsuki, my Katsuki. I couldn’t help but stare at him shamelessly, stare into my heaven on earth, his being held in my palm.

Katsuki smile at me tenderly, as he places both his hand on my waist. “Don’t look at me like that”.

“Like what love”.

“Like there’s an impending something”. I shake my head, touching his forehead with mine as my thumb mindlessly caress his cheek. With a fulfilled sigh, I went back to his chest, wanting to hear that heartbeat again. He took a hand, holding up and kissing the palm, his other hand tracing patterns on my waist. Katsuki held me tight into him, his chest vibrates from his humming and I want to savor this moment. The man would never understand how fulfilling his presence is. The emptiness I felt before gone, filled with the love he poured endlessly. I looked up from his chest, and I could clearly see his stubbles and I poke it again, and I could feel it, again. Katsuki looks down and smile softly. I held his face and kisses his chin.

And of course, my lips touched skin. “I love you Katsuki”. He hums again, as I pull myself up and come face to face with him. I trace his eyebrows as his eyes flutter close. His nose, high and strong and his cheeks, though chiseled, there’s a softness to it, as I pinch it and red eyes glared at me. I place a soft kiss on his nose, telling him sorry; a dumb smile on my face. Then I place a thumb on his lips, soft, hot under my finger and real.

“Kiss me”. He said hushed, and I obliged. I lean forward as he places a hand on my cheek. And it feels real, it must. His lips met mine, and it feels pillowy, a softness one could only feel through meeting a lover’s lips, and with his I could feel softness incomparable, and deep, careful love.

I could feel myself melting into him, as I deepen the kiss, eyes closed. I could feel his tongue parting my lips, and when mine touches his, it was another kind of softness that I think only he holds. My body heating up with our proximity and after what feels like heaven, he unlatches his lips; both of us trying to catch our breath. In this moment, I knew this is where I belong. In the arms of him, melting into him, heart filled with him. An urge burns in me, a love I never thought exist within me, a love concealed by hatred I indulged and this love had saved me. Katsuki saved me from an impending something.

“I love you Katsuki”. He watches me, sorrow evident in his face and I am puzzled.

“I love you too… but I’m sorry”.

“Why are you sorry Katsuki?”. He shook his head, holding me close to his chest once again. His grip was tight, as if I will float away and instinctively, I held on, letting myself hear. Thump, Thump, Thump.

“I am so sorry my love”.

No, of course not.

I look up again from his chest and he was already looking down at me. His eyes watering as I reach up, wiping away the strayed tear. There’s a bittersweet smile etched on his face and I knew, but I didn’t want to believe.

Please no.

“Please Katsuki…please, don’t.” Despair and hopelessness brimming through my eyes, as I fist his shirt. Please, please, God, please let me stay, please. He’s my happiness, a torch, the sun, the life, a reason, everything, my everything.

“You’re…”. I shook my head, urging him to stop but he continues. “You’re okay… You will be, and maybe… one day—nevermind”.

“One day what Katsuki?”. He could only smile at me, and I opened my eyes wide, making sure I’m seeing this, printing it in my memories because I knew. He left a long and deep kiss on my forehead, wiping the tears of my face; but it’s useless. I am already sobbing and the burn on my chest had gone beyond pain. He kissed me again, the softness I knew leaving me and I tried my best to feel it. The smell, the touch, him, Katsuki, I’ll remember him.

And my eyes fluttered open, staring deep into the beige ceiling. My lips tremble, as I slowly glance to my side, please let it not be a dream, and it is. My lover; the only salvation from this life stayed in my dreams, and I woke up to gaze in this wretched world again. A world without him and his softness.  A sob left my lips and I quickly clasp my mouth shut, the other clutching, clawing my chest.

“But it’s not real, and you don’t exist”.

#bakugou katsuki x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #bakugou x reader #katsuki x reader #bakugou imagine #bakugou angst #bakugou katsuki angst #katsuki bakugou angst #boku no hero academia #bnha angst #boku no hero academia angst #bnha fic #mha #my hero academia #mha angst #ceilings by lizzy mcalpine #rsz.w

[theold-ultraviolence]

*chanting*

Valentine's day ficlet fest!

Valentine's day ficlet fest!

Hi friend!

I was wondering if you could write a smutty Aemond fic with the plot of either Secret admirers Or love confession, to Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode (great music selection btw!).

P.S. thank you for doing this. V-day usually makes me sad, but I’m really looking forward to this ♥️♥️

Words Are Very Uneccessary • Aemond Targaryen x reader • 18+

summary:Your dearest friend has always been quiet, but never with you...unless he was in pain. NSFW Warning: there is nothing explicit and sex is only alluded to but to be on the safe side: allusion to public sex and cheating (?) not on Aemond though.  // Song prompt: Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode + vday prompts: love confessions, secret admirers.  •2023 Vday ficlet fest masterlist

Words like violence

Break the silence

Leading up to the spring dance, Aemond had been inexplicably silent with you all week. 

Your dearest friend has always been quiet, but never with you – unless he was in pain, or merely preferred to communicate with you through timid gestures and faint touches. 

Now, you kindly excuse yourself from the arms of the young lord that was to become your betrothed and with whom you’d been dancing all evening, heading straight to Aemond’s own sanctuary within the walls of the Red Keep. 

Come crashing in

Into my little world

You find him hidden among stacks of books, sat by the fire in the library. The room is so quiet that the sound of your heels seem to resound way louder than the actual strength of your step. 

His profile looks sharper, highlighted by the auburn color of the flames – its cracking sound more audible than normal, even more so than your beating heart. 

You don’t utter a single vowel, for fear of crashing into his little world, slicing through his safe haven of silence with words sharper than Aemond’s own blade. 

Painful to me

Pierce right through me

Can't you understand?

Either he isn’t aware of your existence or he’s ignoring you, but it hurts just the same. Feels like your heart is breaking agonizingly slow, cracking loudly piece by piece, seconds from shattering to the ground with a deafening clang. 

You gather up your courage and finally speak. 

“Aemond?” 

Still, his eye remains glued to his book – not even humming in acknowledgement. 

Finally you decide to end this game, striding to him and closing the book on his lap – Aemond immediately rises to his feet with flaring nostrils and a murderous gaze, mere inches from your face. 

Only you’re not scared of him.

You stand your ground, lifting your head high and matching the potency of his gaze. 

“What is it!?” you demand. “Why haven’t you spoken to me all week? What have I done to you, Aemond!?” 

Your words come out like vicious growls you hadn’t intended, and upon seeing his lips quiver, you tentatively rest your palm on the unscarred side of his face.

“My dearest friend, why won’t you talk to me?” 

He looks down for an eternal moment, with furrowed brows and forced inhales of breath, before he gives in. 

“You’re betrothed now. It’s too late.” He shakes his head, placing his hand atop yours where it rests on his cheek, before moving to place a timid kiss along the deep love lines of your palm. 

“It’s not.” You whisper. “Not yet. No vows have been spoken yet. And even so…”

You gather his hands in yours, giving them a tight squeeze before leaving them to frame his face instead, and lean closer to where the tips of your noses almost touch.  

“Vows are spoken to be broken…it is you that I want, Aemond. It is you whom I love.” 

You wrap your arms around him, fully leaning your body against him and walking him backwards until his shoulders are cushioned against a stack of books. His arms envelop you tightly, hands getting itchy and anxious to grip your skin.

“All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms…” You whisper right into his ear.

He flips your bodies over so that you're now supported by the bookshelf, hiking up your legs, prompting you to snake around him – cling to him as he gathers up the skirt of your dress to grind against your core in a desperate plea for you to see how much you affect him. 

How much he wants you.

For you to understand, without the need to talk. That while his feelings are intense, words are trivial to describe them.

So intense, he’ll gladly face the wrath of the Seven. He’ll dare become a sacrilegious man if that’s what it takes for you to see that words are unneccessary to express what you incite in him.

Neither speak, save for the language of his hard thrusts, deep inside of you in a frantic pace; your sighs and moans, like confession between the two of you. Silence has never been this loud and rapturous. 

And tomorrow you might worry about the consequences, but for now, words can only do harm. Except for Aemond’s last exhale after reaching his peak, as it drips down your leg like a sealing of fate. 

He breaks the silence by quietly echoing your own words back to you, 

“All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms.” 

A/N: Besties!!! thank you so much for requesting this!! (also the gif usage is TOP TIER lol). I wish you a happy valentine's day, and sending you lots of hugs in thanks for participating in my ficlet fest! hope this was worth the wait, x

#aemond targaryen #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen x you #aemond targaryen fanfiction #aemond targaryen smut #reader insert #fanfiction #hotd #house of the dragon #ewan mitchell #vday ficlet fest #my writing

[bugeyedfreaks]

2, 5, 12, 23 for each of the Gangreen Gang, and each of the Amoeba Boys

Oooof, that’s a lot! 💀 [cracks knuckles] Well, okay, here we go…

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

Ace — I loooooove his sexy leotard! Kidding! I guess in general I just really admire his canonically chill attitude and fine leadership skills. If he wasn’t a wanted criminal he would be a really cool guy to hang out with.

Snake — IMO, one of the funniest scenes in the series is in Buttercrush, when Ace hands Buttercup a bat while Snake is in a junkyard car, and he pleads and begs her not to hit it, fear in his eyes, but she does, and he gets launched into (presumably) the stratosphere. The fact that he canonically survived that is very impressive to me.

Big Billy — The gang needs muscle, and Billy is it, but it’s adorable that he’s such a sweetheart. It really feels like he just goes along with whatever the gang’s doing because, at the end of the day, he doesn’t really know any better. It’s less about doing crime for crime’s sake and just more about having fun with his homies. Despite being so big, he’s the little bro of the gang.

Also I love that he is a cyclops, very cool. 👁️

Li’l Arturo — I love that he can be tossed around like the football or the basketball. His talent is being smol and aerodynamic and I love it (I also love his pride for his deadly comb Maria!).

Grubber — You have to respect a hunchbacked boy who likes horsie rides. That whole sequence with him on the horse at the arcade in Schoolhouse Rocked is so cute and wholesome. …weirdly enough, as strange and gross as he can be (affectionate), there are many other wholesome Grubber moments in the show.

Bossman — His VOICE is just so iconic. Rest in peace, Chuck McCann, and it’s so sad he had to be in the awful reboot before he passed because I’m gonna miss hearing that amazing gangster voice in the future, see?

Slim — 😳 Uh… I…… love that…….. he is…… canonically….. skinny! (Phew! 😮‍💨)

Junior — I love his BOTTOMLESS STOMAAAAACH he has like the Mary Poppins neverending bag of innards. It may be gross, but you have to admit, it is quite the talent.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

I don’t think of specific songs for each of them, but for the Gangreen Gang AND the Amoeba Boys, they both have very iconic theme songs (the GGG’s one is VERY funky, I love it… plus the gloopiness of the Amoeba Boys’ one is veeeeery gloopy and fits them well).

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Okay, I know you asked for one for each of them, but I truly do look at both gangs as, like, whole units when I think about headcanon stuff. One that I like to think about with the GGG is the origin story I have in my brain of how they all met. I imagine at some point they were all total strangers, just happened to all be green, all happened to wander into the dump on the same day, said, “Hey,” and immediately decided they were gonna be best friends for life and were cool chilling with each other. It’s really stupid, but it makes me laugh thinking about it. 😆

With the Amoeba Boys… I dunno! Never really thought about one for them before. Maybe a headcanon could beeeeee that they’ve been wandering around the Townsville area since the dawn of time, constantly splitting/reproducing/reforming to survive (which is why in modern times they’re almost as big as humans), attempting to cause mischief because they’ve always thought the people they saw doing it were really cool (of course, they’ve always inexplicably had their gangster accents and hats, too). Perhaps back in the day they would bug the Ministry of Pain to let them join in on their chaos so they could help fight Captain Righteous and Lefty. Who knows!

23. Favorite picture of this character?

Again, I dunno if I have the strength to pull from all of my screencaps for ALL of them (because if I do I will never finish this to post it), so I will round it down to two of my faves to represent each gang, inspired from my canon favorites list:

#powerpuff girls #ppg #gangreen gang #the amoeba boys #ask game #sorry my answers are so bad #I should truly devote time to hyperfixating on these kings because they are truly worth it #my energy gets sucked up by the weird monkey boy idk

[dailyadventureprompts]

Happy Mermay Dapper. I know that's more of an art prompt thing but do you have any merfolk centric ideas ?

Adventure: A Tragedy Weighed in Pearls

"Never forget, my earnest student, that money is abstracted suffering, and we are all due a little fortune in life thanks to the sorrows we endure as beings of the material. There are however those clever individuals that feel themselves entitled to the fortune of others, and will yet contrive greater means of suffering the way a flax farmer might seek to improve her press to better squeeze profit from her crop.

In this, my little flax seed, we can see that the miser is infact a martyr, for who else would carve out their heart for a coin purse, and go fattening their ledgers knowing that the universe would come along and pay them what they are owed?

-The Unsung Poet, Book 1: Motives

Hooks:

There’s a new power player along the Windingvine river, that great highway of trade that binds together kingdoms and warlords and far off wild places. They’re a merchant group by the name of Coral-Gate, headed by a family with wealth enough to buy off politicians and pirates and anyone who might stand in their way. For those too obstinate to do business ( by which we mean let Coral-Gate absorb you or push you out of the market), the merchant group hires toughs to engineer compliance, and then pays magistrates to look the other way. The party can be  repeatedly roped into these abuses when the shop they happen to be browsing gets shaken down, or the caravan they’re escorting gets ambushed. It only takes a couple of interrogated thugs with pouches full of pearls to realize that they’re dealing with an emerging criminal empire.

In addition to bankrolling all manner of evil dealings and noble debaucheries, Coral-Gate seems to have a fixation on poets, players, and musicians, anyone who’s repertoire touches upon tragedy and sorrow. While trading rumors at the roadhouse the party hears of performers shuffled off to back rooms and offered small fortunes to see if they could make an audience of hardened cutthroats cry. As the rumors go, those that fail to get a sniffle or even mixed results get tossed out on their ear, while those that succeed are never heard from again, whisked off somewhere to give a private performance from which they never return.

The party gets a chance to follow up on this when a noble family comes to them desperate to see their son returned. Always a quiet and contemplative sort, Lau Sen was prone to slip away from his busy life at the imperial academy to consort with artists and radicals, often sharing his minimalist and sometimes upsetting poetry to crowds of rapt listeners. One of these recitals was interrupted by a gang of armed thugs who carried Lau Sen away, but have yet to supply his family with any sort of ransom demands. Fearing the worst, they’re willing to pay the party a small fortune for the unharmed return of their sensitive scion.

Eventually the party is going to be mixed up with Coral-Gate badly enough that one of their bosses, a “reformed” river pirate by the name of Lionfish Min, will deliver unto them an ultematum: Die, or do her a favor: Min’s heard there’s a village somewhere along there’s a remote hamlet along the coast where the locals are overcome with inexplicable sadness, the “fall to to your knees and spend the rest of the day weeping” sort of sadness inflicted upon them by a haunting song that comes drifting in at low tide. Min wants whoever or whatever is making this song, and is willing to give the party their lives ( or the life of a certain kidnapped poet) if they get it for her.

Setup: For generations, the Jeng family were nobodies, fisherfolk scraping out an existence in a settlement too small to be recorded on the imperial census. One very bad year, the patriarch of the family was out in his boat long after dark, looking to net something that could fill his family’s empty bellies when he heard a beautiful song coming from a stretch of rocks most other families avoided as they were known to be haunted, and splinter the hulls of passing boats besides.

What did the elder Jeng find there but a mermaid combing her hair, basking in the light of the moon. The elder Jeng knew of a scholar who lived up the coast who bought all manner of oddities that washed up on the beach from time to time, and so with all the stealth of a lifelong fisherman, he let his boat drift close enough to the mermaid’s perch where he could throw his net and haul her from the water, binding her tight so that her hysterics didn’t tip him into the sea.

By the time he got home, the elder Jeng had realized that his little boat was beginning to ride low in the water, as the mermaid’s tears transmuted to glimmering pearls before they’d even rolled off her cheeks. There on the shore looking at a keel full of riches, he could have released the mermaid and still had enough to keep his family comforatable for a long time. The turn of years had been cruel to Jeng however, and he had grown cruel in turn, and so he dragged the mermaid up to his cottage, where he and his family would begin to conspire about what to do with their newly endless wealth.

Further Adventures:

Fourteen years after her capture, Veils-of-light-among-the-reeds ( or Veils to her friends) has no more tears to shed, Sorrow and deprivation have scraped her spirit bare, and now her only desire is to return to the sea and feel the cool waters embrace her one last time before she allows herself to dissipate into the primal current. In those early months she made a fortune beyond imagining for the Jengs, on which they have sustained themselves as they built the Coral Gate merchant company to handle their business while they lived off the excess. Still, being merely wealthy isn’t enough, and the coldhearted family longs for yet another influx of tears to bloat their coffers. To this end they’ve been on the hunt for performers capable of making Veils cry, a tactic they had early success with for a few years until her tears dried up once again and the cruel and avaricious heir to the Jengs, Runan started killing any poet that failed to insight the mermaid just to get a response.

Veils and the captured performers are kept in a complex of tunnels beneath the Jeng family manor, a virtual palace situated on cliffs overlooking a great harbor the Cortal Gate merchant company has taken as its seat of power. Attacking the place directly would see the party running up against various fortifications and layers of hired defence, not to mention the city guard that the company has been sure to pay off. Perhaps a more subtle approach is required, something that will exploit the Jengs averice and need for comfort to allow the party to slip within their defences.

The song emanating along the coast is from another mermaid,  Vault-of -the-deep-sublime-and-holy (or Vault to her enemies). She and Veils were two of a kind, spun from the same current and lifelong companions. She’s spent the last decade and a half searching the seas for her other half, and has after so long returned to the place she last saw Veils to greive her loss. If the party can get through to her, and the spirit breaking sorrow of her song, they may be able to peice together the thread behind Coral-Gate’s rise to power. Likewise, the promise of a reunion with Vault may be the only thing that can pull Veils back from her desire to dissolve, but even then it may only be long enough for one last poignant goodbye.

Art

#dnd #dungeons and dragons #adventure #5e homebrew #homebrew adventure #seaside #villain #mid level #Merchant #Merfolk #hooboy I found that art and knew it was going to be a sad one #prompt postage #pirates #conspiracy #politics #town #Village #ocean #wuxia

[neeneee]

Our connection {Narusasu}

[This is loosely based on, in my opinion, two of the gayest songs in Naruto ost history: 'By my side' and 'Broken youth'. ]

Also, I feel like in the history of anime, Sasuke and Naruto were the couple with most wasted potential and most love for each other. It's literally in everything canon, every episode and chapter is filled with so much love it's sometimes hard to tell this is shounen, rather than shounen ai. And that make me sad because in my head, they're both just holding up these facades in order to keep up appearances but all they want to do is cuddle and tell the world that they're in love. C'mon they both borderline, if not outright, neglect their families but never, ever each other.

Naruto and Sasuke hid behind subtle touches and declarations of brotherly love. They expertly hid their feelings behind a mask of friendship, declaring their bond to the world as nothing more than camaraderie, the connection formed from years of shared struggles.

So, why? Why did they feel the inexplicable urge to run into each other's arms when the weight of the world was simply too much to bear? Why did they still secretly hold each other's pinkies when they walked together? Why did their eyes still meet at random times? Why did they still look at each other with so many pent up emotions?

Sasuke had always wondered why? What was the reason for that inexplicable pull he felt towards the blonde?

That was Sakura's place, he married her, he formed a family with her.

Even so, he longed for Naruto's clumsy touch, and his nervous laughter, afraid of his reaction. He missed the way they would secretly cuddle when out on missions, away from the village's judgmental eye and their teammates curious gazes. Even when his mind was clouded with hatred and revenge, and the only thoughts that ran through his head were of rightful vengeance, his heart still ached at the distance he willingly put between them, and he would weep at night, yearning for his beat friend to hold him and console his anguished soul.

The Uchiha cursed himself for the steps he didn't take, for the steps he couldn't take. He cursed himself for not building up the courage to say the words, to make the move, to finally let his caged feelings free. She was safe, she was what everyone expected, she was the last resort, but at night, he couldn't look at her, because the guilt consumed him, because even after decades of pining and running after him, he still couldn't give her what she wanted, he still couldn't be the man she dreamed about. He slept beside her but his thoughts remained elsewhere. He accidentally forced Sakura into the eternal cycle of running after him, while he ran after another, but still looked back to make sure she was there.

But Naruto was Naruto, when even Sakura gave up on him, it was Naruto who ran into the darkness searching for him, he fought everyone tooth and nails just to bring him back into the village, to clean his name, to pull him back into the light. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that this was only friendship, brotherhood, he couldn't. He knew what friendship was, this was much deeper than camaraderie, no matter how much they changed, or the years changed, their love stayed the same.

'I know your heart, and you, mine.'

Sasuke declared long ago, when his mind was clouded with hate and revenge, even in those moments his thoughts, and heart, always wandered to his blonde teammate. The man whom he loved.

Their connection remained innocent, childish; holding their pinkies, brushing their lips against each other's so lightly that it felt like a soft wind gracing their flesh, never more, never anything more. But he wanted more, he wanted to tell the world 'this is the person I love, not as a brother, not as a teammate, I love him.'

Blue eyes took in Sasuke's features, dazzled by how the moonlight made him look ethereal. His pale skin glimmered under the soft glow of the moon, and his hair, swept by the wind, looked softer than cotton, perfectly framing his sharp features. Subconsciously, his hand reached out, aiming to bury his fingers in his best friend's dark locks, but halted as a dark eye turned to him. Sasuke's frown relaxed into a soft smile as he saw Naruto's face contort into a mixture of surprise and embarrassment, so he pushed his head into the blond's outstretched hand, nuzzling into the warm flesh.

Neither spoke, surprised by their own actions and slightly scared of the other's reaction. They stared at each other for a few seconds, before Naruto's hand left Sasuke's hair, and he pushed himself off the railing to peck his friend's pale lips. He pulled away as quickly as their lips connected, both sporting wide eyes and completely red faces.

"Sasuke, I-I'm sorry... that was-"

"Idiot..."

Using his only arm, he grabbed the blonde's shirt and pulled him closer, crashing his lips into his own, they molded together and fell into an awkwardly passionate rhythm. The Uchiha's arm let go of the shirt and snaked around his neck to bury his calloused hand into his blonde tresses. Naruto, grabbed onto his hips, pulling him closer. The kiss was filled with years of unspoken feelings and hidden emotions, all let out in one singular gesture. Neither wanted to let go, finally having what they had been wanting for year, like finally reaching the promised land of their dreams. Panting, they pulled away only a few millimeter, connected by thin strip of saliva and the sentiments they held for each other.

"I need you here right by my side."

Sasuke smirked at the blonde's cheesy declaration, preparing to tease the boy, not being able to hold himself back.

"I love you, Teme."

"Took you long enough, dobe."

"What?" Naruto screeched, jumping away from the man and pointing at him, his usual hot-headed nature jumping out even in moments of romance. "You didn't say anything either!"

"Shut up and please kiss me, all night."

Their lips connected in yet another heated expression of their love, uncaring of anyone's prying eyes or who saw them. This was more important, this was the only thing in their minds at the moment, nothing else.

Just for tonight, they would love freely.

#narusasu #anime #fanfic #sasuke uchiha #naruto uzumaki #narutoshippuden #they're so gay #romance #little drabble #It's a fact that they're gay #i love them so much #x reader #headcannons #naruto headcanons #naruto shippuden #team 7 #kakashi #sakura haruno #sasuke x naruto #uchiha sasuke #naruto shippuuden #sasuke and naruto #snsmonth23

[amberjazmyn]

dr spencer reid one shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - you look(ed) happier

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - kinda sad, mentions/actions of domestic relationship abuse, but it does get better, single x reid, mentions of maeve

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - with the lyrics of ed sheeran's "happier" we find out the love story/breakup/re-get-together of bau agents dr spencer reid and valencia callahan 

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - i have done this one-shot a couple of times before but i was listening to the song again and i wanted to do it again. i decided to make a spencer reid version with some insta posts and stuff cause imagine the bau having personal instagram and social media accounts.

masterlist

- - -

walking down 29th and park, i saw you in another's arms. 

dr spencer reid couldn't help but feel his heart slightly sinking low into his chest as he noticed his now ex-girlfriend but fellow bau agent walk into the bau in another man's arms as spencer stormed into the conference room to let off some steam just before he and his team would most likely get called for a new case. the worst part of this whole thing for spencer, now that his ex had left him, was that they'd still be working together since neither one of them would ever force the other person to leave their jobs just because they were no longer dating each other but not just that, she decided to bring her new boyfriend to introduce them to the rest of the team. this obviously meant that it wasn't just valencia joining everyoone in the bullpen, her new boyfriend was also going to be with them and having to be introduced to them and spencer since he and valencia were still close friends, not having the heart or the hate in them to drop contact with each other. spencer never hated valencia after the two of them broke up, no way, he couldn't ever hate his childhood best friend and now fellow bau agent, he was honestly grateful that valencia still decided to stay with the bau even though she was no longer with spencer, except, the thing that threw him off was the fact that he had never imagined or prepared himself to see her walk into the bau with another guy.

only a month we've been apart, you look happier. 

the thing though, that hurt spencer over anything else was that this new boyfriend made valencia look so much happier, happier than she ever seemed to be when she was with spencer. derek morgan, one of spencer's fellow agent and closest friend had suddenly noticed why spencer was looking off into the distance, the chigaconian trying to get the nevadian man to leave the conference room - the nevadian whacking derek's hand away, spencer couldn't help but notice something else that he so desperately missed about valencia - her laugh. 

once again, spencer's heart almost closed in on his chest as he watched and heard her laugh. he didn't know what to do, i mean, who would know what to do in this situation? derek certainly didn't know, he felt inexplicably guilty and devastated for his best friend, derek was now dating and in a secure relationship with an e.d nurse, savannah, whereas, spencer had his heart broken because unfortunately, valencia and spencer broke up for reasons that, at the time, seemed appropriate and it seemed like the both of them were on the same page at the time. and, all of a sudden, derek watched as his best friend was devastated over the thought of seeing his ex and his best friend cosying up to another man only after what seemed to be a month after spencer and she had broken up.

saw you walk inside a bar, he said something to make you laugh.  

there was still no set time that the team was going to be called in for a case and it was already 8 in the evening which made it seem like no case was going to be called until the next day. so, that was when valencia, at the idea of her new man, decided to check out some pubs and clubs and if it just happened that the team got called in, the team would get called in. so, spencer watched as valencia and her new beau walked outside of the fbi building and strolled into a nearby bar but, not before the guy made a truly horrendous joke, and it wasn't even a joke that spencer would have found funny or a joke that valencia would have found funny if spencer had said it and matched it with a disappointed face as though she was the embarrassed kid of spencer, but because it was this new man that had said it, it had made valencia laugh out loud. so loud that spencer and derek heard it from their sixth floor in the fbi building as did the rest of the agents on that floor and all the other patrons who were walking past them. both of them, spencer and derek, saw how happy valencia was and it truly devastated both of them, their shoulders sinking to their regular positions as spencer tried to look away.

"...val, i have a joke for you..." the still unidentified new beau of valencia's asked, valencia smiled, nodding her head as the man continued 

"...what would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the rear end?" he asked, his voice already cracking with laughter and he hadn't even finished the joke - spencer almost puking because he hated how close the guy was to valencia 

"i dunno, what do you get?" valencia sort of laughed, not like an excited or happy laugh but, the laugh spencer would usually hear when he'd try to tell her a joke so, for a second, the boy wonder did have hope that she wouldn't laugh at the guys joke but, that was until he said the punchline of the joke 

"you get a megasoreass!" and just as spencer and derek didn't laugh at the joke, they hoped and prayed valencia wouldn't laugh but, she did, she laughed at the utterly horrendous joke that her date had made 

and she laughed wholeheartedly, with her whole body, her head flying backward as her hand rested on the man's chest and her head then moved to lean on it so she could control herself. 

"oh, that was a kicker! that was actually really funny!" valencia's voice went high-pitched as her voice broke from her laughing fit, wiping away a tear from her eye as the two then walked into the bar

and it was at that moment that spencer knew he really couldn't stand watching those two anymore, even though he still absolutely adored valencia, he knew it wouldn't do him any good if he continued to focus on her when it was clear she had moved on completely whilst he still was hung up on her. 

i saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours yeah, you look happier, you do. 

it wasn't rocket science for anyone to see that spencer knew that valencia's smile was twice as wide as the ones she smiled when she was with spencer and it made him feel sick to his stomach. it hurt the boy wonder terribly to know that possibly, this new boyfriend of valencia's was everything that spencer wasn't and that he couldn't make her happier as this new man did in comparison. spencer's heart felt like it was being crushed and this pain wasn't just a metaphorical pain, oh no, it was such a physical pain that spencer's face started to scrunch up in pain as he would wince occasionally. 

thankfully, it didn't take derek that long to convince spencer that they needed to return back to their desks and away from the open conference room windows so that spencer wasn't putting himself through more pain, especially due to the "fun" that they would be having during their waiting time of whether or not they'd be shipped out to a case tonight. however, spencer couldn't help but wait until valencia and this new boyfriend had gone further away into the bar before he moved so that he could have one last look at her before the slight possibility of him catching eyes with her tonight during the potential of a case briefing.

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you, but ain't nobody love you like i do. 

despite the slight privacy that spencer and valencia both had about their lives, not really the type to overshare whilst being in the public eye of the rest of the fbi agents and government officials, they decided to come clean about their breakup to at least their own team. and then, their breakup was announced but it sadly was heard further than just their own small, intimate, family-like team and spread further throughout the other fbi units. and immediately, rumours from the other units like sex crimes and violent crimes units started to come about that spencer and valencia's breakup was "messy" and that one of them cheated on the other one or something completely dramatic like a soap opera. however, that was the furthest from the actual reality of what actually went down and the reason why the two popular and favoured bau agents broke up. they decided, spencer and valencia, that right now it had gotten too dangerous for them to be dating due to how personal the cases in regards to the team had gotten and it felt safer if they weren't romantically linked. and, it was true, all recent cases had no team injuries because there was no way those personal cases could affect the team more than it usually could in a personal way because no one was in a relationship with one of their fellow agents so there was no way they could be targeted. however, even after explaining that to the other fbi units, rumours still flew around the fbi building until aaron hotchner and erin strauss had to shut it down completely because it started to get out of hand.

however, spencer and valencia hated having to constantly repeat themselves and remind people that there was nothing about one of them cheating or anything silly like that and that the reason they broke up was for safety reasons. because, in actuality, the breakup was mutual between the two and it was made clear from the very beginning that if they were going to find someone new, outside of the bau where they wouldn't have their lives further messed with, that it was okay and that the two of them would and are always the best of friends, no matter what. they both meant the world to each other and there was no way they could remove the other from their life. to them, what they said in their own words was that they were each other's right person but it was the wrong time and it broke spencer and valencia's hearts to break up with each other despite how mutual it was and how much safer they both were because of how much they loved and still love each other. the only reason why valencia and spencer broke up was because not only was it for safety reasons but it was also because it was the case of right person for each other but, it wasn't the right time and that was why it was so painful for the both of them.

"...hey, reid, you know that it wasn't either you or valencia's fault as to the reason why you two broke up?" derek spoke softly as he watched, keeping an eye on his still heartbroken friend sulk over watching his ex who was still his best friend, who he still loved dearly, look way happier with the new guy than she ever did with him

"i...i know that rationally, morgan it just, hurts seeing her look so much happier with someone else..." spencer sniffled solemnly, resting his hands on his chin as derek rubbed his best friend's back

"...it does hurt, reid, i know that but, don't forget that, sure val has a new man who won't be targeted by the people we hunt but, she still loves you so much and only wants the best for you. and i think that's why she didn't leave the bau because she knew that if she left even though you guys were no longer going to be together that you'd still rather have her stay and not be together then leave and not be together. of course though, it is really sucky for the whole team to see she's moved on with someone else but, we all have to just look past that and be glad that she's still with us in the team. trust me, from someone who was always seen as a flirt who would never actually take a relationship seriously until i found the one, it'll get better and, who knows, maybe one day, she'll realise that this happy with this guy isn't the happy she wants and, she'll find her way back to you, even if means the two of you are in danger again..." derek smiled softly, trying to convince spencer who just nods his head in response although, it was still quite difficult to believe his best friend

promise that i will not take it personal, baby if you're moving on with someone new. 

spencer promised, basically pinky promised, the day that he and valencia broke up, that he wouldn't take it personally and be that arsehole ex-boyfriend if valencia was to find someone new and move on. he knew that valencia was bound to move on quickly anyway so, he made a promise not to take it personally (as did she) and that just because she's moved on quickly, it doesn't mean that she wasn't grateful or faking any of her feelings towards spencer or acting as though it was nothing. because, honestly, valencia was on cloud nine throughout her whole relationship with spencer, it was just honest to god the fear of them being targeted by unsubs who had a personal connection to them because of their jobs and keeping them safe, not their love or chemistry for one another.

"...wait, you can't be serious...boy wonder and girl wonder broke up?" garcia was devastated at the news that her fellow agents, reid and callahan just gave her and the rest of their team

"yes, we had to, pen. for our safety to make sure that if we ever faced an unsub who had a personal connection to either one of us that they wouldn't target them. we still love each other very much and wish this didn't have to happen but it does and, if it's for our safety and not because we fell out love then, that's the smart thing to do," valencia sighed, a look of morose in her eyes as hotch spoke up

"...if there is anything the team can do for the two of you, reid and callahan, please, let us know and we'll do everything and anything we can to assist you. i'm guessing you've already talked about whether or not one of you is leaving?" hotch questioned, reid and callahan both appreciating the worry and care from their team and unit chief

"thank you, hotch but, right now, i honestly think spence and i just need some alone time and yes, we have both decided to stay since there's no reason why we wouldn't be able to work together even though we're no longer dating one another..." valencia was really taking the speaking role seriously as spencer just nodded his head and looked around the room trying to avoid the teams gaze of pity and sadness

"...of course. and i'm glad you two will be able to continue to work together because you guys are a brilliant team and shouldn't leave us just yet. and, if the rest of the team could follow me and return to your desks to finish paperwork or anything else you need to get done, it's time we leave reid and callahan on their own like they've asked us to," hotch gestures for the team to follow him out of the conference room which they do without needing to be asked twice

after giving hugs to both spencer and valencia, hotch smiles and gives his two best (and youngest) agents a reassuring head-nod before closing the door behind them, giving the two of them some privacy whilst they said their last words about the break-up before they'd have to go back to their friendship they had at the beginning of their time in the unit.

"...spence, do you promise me something?" valencia spoke up after a long pause of silence as spencer nodded his head, lifting it up from the floor as he held valencia's hand tightly

the two twenty-somethings had already been broken up with each other privately but, now, they were still wanting to say some last minute things that they either already said and wanted to say again to make sure it was known to be the truth and not just some lie that was said in the moment to soften the harsh blow of the breakup conversation was. both of them tearing up and getting emotional, it once again became silent as small sniffles and uneven breaths fell through the room as the two agents tired to calm themselves down before continuing the conversation. having to constantly remind themselves that the reason why they broke up wasn't because they weren't in love with each other anymore or because they were never best friends to begin with, it was because it was for their safety and because it was two people who were absolutely right for each other but started their relationship at the wrong time where it was immensly dangerous and could have caused a lot of problems had the unsubs actually dug deep enough into their victims at the behavioural analysis unit. that's all it was, they still love each other but, that was the true, real reason why spencer reid and valencia callahan broke up, it breaking up now was the right thing and the safest thing so they both could stay alive and save their special thing and then find out later on that it was safer for them to continue their relationship again then that's what they were going to do because they didn't want to ruin it by continuing to pursue their relationship in a time of utter danger and fear for the entire bau and their romantic relationships.

"always, val, what is it?" spencer finally filled in the silence, sniffling softly as valencia's hand ghosts over spencer's as they could tell, even with the shutters in the conference room shut and the door closed, they could tell their team members were trying to figure out what they were talking about - almost nothing could be hidden or a secret when you're a member of the bau that's for sure

that was until spencer and valencia could hear their team getting told off by hotch for eavesdropping and told the main perps, derek, jj and penelope, to be put in lockdown in penelope's bat cave away from everyone and where they couldn't hear spencer and valencia's conversation. thankfully, emily prentiss and david rossi weren't that much of eavesdroppers but were very concerned about their two youngest agents and did wait for them to come out of the conference room after their private conversation to check on them, not at all asking for what their private conversation entailed.

"promise me that if i do move on with someone new who most likely won't get targeted by any unsubs and isn't with the fbi, you won't take it personally and hate me for it?" valencia only gulped as she kept her eyes focused on spencer and his reactions as spencer nodded his head, his eyes whilst glistening with tears were also genuine

"yes, i promise. i love you too much to hate you," spencer choked out in a whisper, more tears building in his eyes as he breathed in, asking valencia a question

"can you promise me something?" spencer whispered back, clearing his throat as valencia nodded her head, her hand touching spencer's as they kept eye contact with each other

"of course, always, what is it?" valencia questioned softly, only wishing she and spencer didn't have to do this all over again but knew they had to

"am...well, are we still best friends? even if you may date someone else after me?" it was this question that broke spencer's heart to say as finally, a tear rolls down his cheek as he closes his eyes, valencia breathing deeply so she wouldn't cry her tears as she wipes spencer's tear away, glad that hotch had forced the rest of the team out

smiling softly with a head nod, valencia responded, "of course, we're still gonna be best friends, spence! i've known you my whole life, i could never throw away our entire relationship and friendship just because we dated the right people but at the wrong time. i couldn't ever remove you from my life, you're way too special to me, i can't do that and i will never do that..." valencia paused as she wiped away more of spencer's silent tears as he nodded his head, understanding valencia which made her feel better 

"...even if i do end up dating someone else who isn't going to be targeted specifically because we're both agents and if you end up dating someone else, i am always a phone call away or a short drive away if you ever need anything and, i know if i was in a similar situation, you'd be there waiting for me too," valencia smiled and spencer nodded his head as his lip trembled, another single tear slipping down his cheek as he giggled in embarrassment, wiping it away himself 

spencer and valencia talked for a couple more minutes and decided that the things they co-owned in each other's apartments were not to be moved no matter what and that they could always count on one another. along with another crying session and huge hug to comfort one another, with some tissues that they hadn't realised at the beginning that hotch had placed on the table before the team left, they both cleaned themselves up and walked back to their little desk spaces and continued working. and only then, when spencer and valencia returned to their desk spaces were derek and jj allowed to emerge from penelope's bat cave... and also forced to apologise to reid and callahan for trying to eavesdrop into the conversation, as did penelope but she didn't need to be forced, it just slipped out because she panicked and felt awful for potentially betraying their trust over something that maybe in time they'd tell their team as to what they told each other. but all was forgiven with a small sleepover at penelope's at the end of the day since it had gotten to late for the team to get called to a case so it would be managed the next morning.

'cause baby you look happier, you do, my friends told me one day, i'll feel it too. 

it still seemed impossible for spencer to get it out of his head that valencia seemed to look happier with her new boyfriend after the break-up and honestly, whilst he was proud of her, it still hurt and was a hard thing to just shake off. it honestly did sort of scare spencer that he thought that he was maybe getting replaced and that maybe, he was actually losing his best friend when it was considered that he still didn't know what this new boyfriend was like in relation to knowing about boy-best friends for his girlfriends. 

"oi, reid, we need to get ready, hotch has finally called for wheels up in fifteen, when we see valencia stay calm, okay?" derek announces to spencer, patting his shoulder as the boy wonder nods his head, his satchel go-bag hanging around his body 

"yes, morgan, i understand, i'm not a five-year-old!" spencer, with a sassy attitude, rolls his eyes as he chuckles, making derek smile at the attitude and eye-roll 

"i know, reid, forgive me but, i just don't want you getting hurt, that's all!" derek suddenly went serious as spencer smiled and pulled his best friend in for a hug 

"thanks, morgan, i do appreciate it," spencer smiled into his best friend's shoulder and derek smiled too, exhaling slightly as he pats his best friend on the back 

"no worries, buddy. i know how much you and valencia loved and still love each other. it is hard when a couple like you two, that are the right couple, break up due to it being the wrong time," derek smiles softly, the two men pulling out of the hug as they started to hear the commotion of penelope and rossi arguing over whether it's ethical to put tofu in pasta in the conference room

and until then i'll smile to hide the truth, but i know i was happier with you. 

all that was left for spencer and his team to do in regards to getting ready for the case was being briefed on the case by penelope and hotch and then set off to the jet strip so they could travel to their location of the case. with a small sound of apology for being late, valencia and her man had rushed in slightly late and, it was clear the reason why and it was because of the bar down the road. which was so unlike valencia that hotch ignored it but kept a watchful eye on her new unidentified beau just in case valencia was manipulated to just about inebriate herself before jetting off for a case.

derek and the rest of the team had to force themselves to not jump in excitement as spencer turned around, a smile on his face as rushed over to valencia to give her a hug since valencia had just come back from having some vaction time. the former boyfriend and girlfriend are now just staring at each other in awe. it had felt like years had gone by since valencia had seen spencer when really it was a couple of weeks to a month, not even? pretty much as soon as they broke up, hotch reminded valencia of her vaction time off to visit her family in hawaii and on that very same day, the next flight, valencia left for hawaii. and it was during this vaction back home to hawaii that valencia and her new boyfriend had met, he was a nursing student at the hospital that valencia frequented for it was the hospital her ill-ridden mother was hospitalised in and honestly, it still felt strange to her that when she introduced her boyfriend to people, she wasn't saying spencer.

"spence!" valencia finally opened her mouth, spencer's name falling off her tongue effortlessly as if she never stopped saying it, spencer's face lighting up at seeing his best friend, her new boyfriend giving not just the best friend's a strange look but his girlfriend's entire workplace and bau team a strange look that spencer managed to catch from the corner of his eye

"hey val! how are you, how was hawaii and seeing your family? i've missed you so much!" spencer spoke excitedly, the excitement of valencia constrasted far differently to the case they were about to leave for but was welcomed for just a small bit of happiness before seeing pure darkness for the next few days as spencer pulls his best friend in for a hug

placing her softly back to the ground, valencia responded, "i'm fantastic thanks spence, hawaii was great, family's great and it seems like mom's medical trial is working! how have you been? were you able to go back to las vegas to visit your mom at all? it's been like, what, a few weeks since we last saw each other since i just up and left for hawaii for vaction whilst we should have techncially been working a case?" the girl asked with a slight laugh in her breath as spencer nodded his head, a small giggle leaving his mouth as well

"yeah...wow, it's been a long few weeks, that's crazy...oh and, no, unfortunately i didn't get to see mom this time but i did get to have a chat with her carers and they seem to think that she's doing good as well. and, that's amazing that your mom's trial seems to be working too. i just hope the next step is for her to be discharged from the hospital and back with your family..." spencer spoke with a small whisper towards the end as he noticed the way valencia tried to grab her boyfriend but wasn't able to as he had suddenly and silently left the bau conference room without a word of acknowledgement of where it was he had left off to in the huge bau and further fbi building

"...oh and, by...by the way, that was my boyfriend matteo..." valencia tried to smile but, it was obvious that spencer and the other profilers could see through it but decided against the profiling questions for now

"...well, that's nice, val. how...how long have you two been together for, if you don't mind me asking?" spencer spoke softly, with hesitation as valencia tilted her head in confusion - was it three weeks or four weeks as it surely hadn't been for the whole time she was back home in hawaii

also, the team just stood back in silence and just watched even though they should very much be on the jet right now and on their way to los angeles, california for their case that was more or likely going to turn time sensitive soon.

"uhh...i...i think three weeks? so, not that long..." valencia shyly smiles as spencer nodded his head as hotch gestured for this conversation to continue on the way to the jet and for penelope to go into her batcave and present the case from there as they travelled to their destination

hearing that valencia and matteo had only been together for less than a month was comforting to spencer because it meant whilst she had moved on, it wasn't straight away which was his biggest fear. so it comforted him to know that the love of his life and best friend didn't move on the second they broke up.

"oh, okay, that's nice, val. he treats you well i'm assuming?" spencer questioned as the two of them moved quite briskly towards the jet strip to the private jet when valencia suddenly came nervous as she still had no idea where her boyfriend had gotten himself into in the fbi building cause he noticed how many more floors there were than just level 6: behavioural analysis unit

"uh...well, yeah i guess he does. i mean, he makes me laugh a lot, i guess..." valencia stammered, her voice shaky and sounding unsure which confused spencer as earlier, nothing looked as though it was wrong or out of sorts

as they settled onto the plane, awaiting penelope's presentation of the case, spencer whispered, "...you guess? val...is matteo hurt--"

"--hello my fine and furry friends--"

"--matteo?" how on earth did matteo find himself in penelope's bat cave of all places on level six? penelope was just as confused as her team who gave wide-eyed stares at matteo who stood behind penelope as she continued presenting the case

"ignoring italian stallion over here, today's case has you guys travelling to sunny los angeles, california except it isn't sunny but rather bloody and gloomy... over the last week and a half, lapd have been getting constant phone calls about killings of a very specific type of victim every saturday afternoon at exactly 13:00pm..."

"...and before you ask, the victims are blonde, blue-eyed, attractive college-aged girls who were all found in dark, trashed alleyways behind trashbins with deep lacerations, burn marks and branding marks all around their bodies. the lacerations are horizontal on the arms, vertical on the legs, the burns are present everywhere else where there are no lacerations and the brand marks are across their left collarbones... there were five of them..." penelope has a look of distaste on her face after showing her team mates the high graphic and gruesome images as the team all squirm in their plane seats - but just before penelope could continue, matteo speaks up

"--hey, sweetcheeks, valencia, could you introduce me to your coworkers please?" matteo suddenly takes over penelope's system as valencia wishes she'd be swallowed into a black hole as her whole team looks pissed off but confused

"not now, please, matteo, isn't it obvious i'm working?!" valencia raises her voice which was easy to profile to her team that it wasn't the first time that matteo tried to interject himself into valencia's work life

"fine, besides, there's nothing really interesting in this room anyway. but don't forget to remind everyone in la that you have a boyfriend, his name is matteo and that he's oh so attractive," matteo sounded like a middle schooler as everyone cringed as matteo escorted himself out of penelope's batcave as everyone all released a breath they had no idea they were all collectively holding - valencia included

"oh my...i...i am so sorry guys. i...i had no idea matteo was going to do that when i suggested i invite him to come to the bau with me before the case. he came with me because i wanted to introduce you guys to him...i had no idea he even knew where to find penelope's batcave let alone follow her into it but, like he's already said...everyone's that's my boyfriend matteo la costa and he works as a nursing student at a local community college hospital in downtown virginia..." valencia apologised, her face burning red with embarrassment as no one told her off or scolded her for her boyfriend's stupid actions as penelope quickly got back on track with the case presentation

"...sorry to do this but bringing you guys all back to the cali killings, not only were the girls all blondes, blue-eyed, extremely attractive and attending college, they were all attending the same college and they all hung out in the same circle of friends...." penelope mentions with her usual disgusted attitude as reid speaks up

"...that means we're likely dealing with someone who also goes to the same college as the girls and could be someone who was ignored by the girls or was shunned away from the group of friends maybe and has come back for revenge in the most sadistic way because just texting them off-handed mean comments or teasing them out during college classes is too tame and not enough for the unsub?" reid suggested as valencia and everyone else nodded in possibility of that being the theory

"that or, it's a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend who was rejected by one of the girls in the circle and is now determined to take out all the girls until he can really hit big time money with the girl who originally rejected him by killing her friends off meaning that it's easier to get to the grand finale, his final victim because he's taken out all of her friends along the way to get to her?" valencia theorised and, honestly, that theory was just as brilliant as reid's as hotch spoke up

"garcia, you mentioned they were all burnt, given lacerations and branded but did you get the cod by the medical examiner?" hotch spoke up, flipping down the case file he held in his lap as penelope shook her head, a look of apology in her eyes

"no, i didn't good sir hotch. but, if it's needed, i can by all means speed up the process with some good bribes and a deal of lollies and unlimited love from the behavioural analysis unit forever?" penelope joked which got some stifles of laughter as hotch nodded his head

"thank you garcia, do that and find everything else you can in regards to separate info on the girls since we know how well they are connected to each other, we need to know about these girls independently, whether they ever spent time away from the group and if anyone else they made contact with could be in potentional danger," hotch stated and penelope nodded her head

"faster than a donkey on a leash, later nerds!" penelope signs out as the team go back to brainstorming more information about the case

after brainstorming a little more and another two interruptions from valencia's boyfriend, matteo, his excuse being he missed her and wanted to make sure she was safe even though they were still on their flight to california, they started to figure out more possibilities and hotch split his team up into twos and threes. spencer and valencia went to the coroner to figure out if they could figure out the cod any faster than penelope could whilst rossi and morgan went to the crime scenes and emily, jj and hotch went to the lapd to interview the families of the victims and start victimology and a geographical profile.

fast forwarding three days later, it seemed as if valencia's initial theory was correct. the unsub, twenty-one-year-old college student becka johnson and her boyfriend connor freehly had abducted the girls, twenty-year-old lisa lloyd, nineteen-year-old sallie hawkins, twenty-one-year-old spencer romanov, twenty-two-year-old abigail romanov and twenty-three-year-old jaqueline reynolds. thankfully, just before the unsubs could capture and murder the sixth girl in the ten-strong friend group, who wasn't even the main girl they were trying to kill, twenty-year-old lyla smith, the bau and lapd moved in on them just before they could kill and caught them. spencer and valencia arrested and read becka johnson and connor freehly's miranda rights before not so kindly shoving them into the police vans before running back over to help lyla since the rest of the team hadn't arrived just yet. untying the poor girl from the ropes that caused the ligature burn marks on all the victims wrists, relieved lyla of that pain before she could have endured even more pain or even death. all because her and her group had the girl in the group that rejected the advances of becka and connor, all because they were both bisexual and wanted a third partner for their polyamorous relationship and reacted in anger and murder when they were told no and that the person they asked was very much straight, in a commited relationship and felt very personally uncomfortable about a poly relationship. which, in all fairness, should have been totally fine and didn't need five innocent young girls and nearly a sixth one to be killed when the person rejecting the unsubs was respectful, kind and didn't show any hate or homophobia or predijuce in regards to their response to their question.

a couple hours later and the bau were back on their private jet back home to quantico and, the one person everyone didn't want to see after that stupid fiassco that happened on the flight over to california, matteo, was waiting for the team and valencia on the air strip. groaning, everyone, including valencia, only hoped that this time, matteo would try to insert himself into his girlfriend's important job and her very long and strenuous job. why did she and spencer agree to the break-up, actually? the best part of dating another fbi agent was that they wouldn't ever try to insert themselves into your job because it was the same job as their partners. whereas, a downside to dating someone who isn't in law enforcement but specifically fbi, that person would always try to self-insert themselves into the job because it was seen as "far more exciting" and "soul-enriching job" than their "boring, blase job" back at home was. thankfully though, it seemed as though matteo, just like the team, was drop-dead exhausted and just wanted to pick up his girlfriend and safely take her back to her apartment and maybe stay with her to make sure she stayed safe after the case.

even though she wasn't too keen on it, valencia took a deep breath and wandered over to matteo and allowed him to hug her since it had been a couple of days since they had last communicated and seen one another.

"hey baby, you catch the killer?" matteo muttered, valencia mumbling a "yup" as matteo wanted no further information which slightly threw her off wack as when she and spencer were together, it never mattered if they were working in the same trio or duo, they still debriefed about the case at the end of it, whether it was on the drive home or on their couch or bed at home, they always unloaded and debriefed about their case

just as matteo was about to drag valencia to their car to go home, valencia decided that now was the best option to finally and physically, face-to-face, introduce her boyfriend to her team rather than just leaving an introduction to whatever his introduction was on the plane ride to california.

since no one had actually made plans to move their feet from their positions on the ground, it didn't take much convincing for valencia to formally introduce her team to her boyfriend, "hey guys, i know we're all about to leave to go back home but, i thought i'd just finally formally introduce you to my boyfriend, matteo!" valencia smiled, trying to hide her nerves as everyone smiled and waved back as matteo only just had energy to return back the gesture

taking that as his cue, matteo introduced himself again, "hey guys, i'm matteo, i'm really sorry for how i acted when you guys were on the jet. it was very inappropriate and inconsiderate because you guys were working and i shouldn't have self-inserted myself into valencia's job..." ok, wow, this is the most apologetic and genuine he's sounded the entire time since they had met him - the team still cautious but stepped forward and individually introduced themselves

"hi, matteo," they all responded at the same time, slightly shocking matteo as his expression doesn't change, all of them coming forward indivdually to shake his hand, though none of them even wanted to associate themselves with the guy, even hotch and rossi

"i'm jj but you can call me jennifer,"

"i'm emily,"

"i'm penelope,"

"derek,"

"i'm david,"

"i'm spencer,"

"and i'm aaron, remember sonny jim, if you try anything to hurt our valencia, don't forget that we are fbi agents and it wouldn't be too difficult for us to notice when something's fishy, alright? take care of valencia, she's our girl too," aaron finished up the introductions which seemed to intimidate matteo which truthfully humoured the team, valencia included as matteo nodded his head before rushing off to the car

and without stopping to give his girlfriend a kiss, or an i love you or even a simple explanation as to why he had decided to run for it without his girlfriend who had the keys and the car to drive the both of them back to valencia's apartment. and that really made spencer and the rest of the team raise their eyebrows, especially after hotch's threat.

and, it obviously rattled valencia but, she tried to hide it, "umm, yeah, again, that's my boyfriend matteo and i think you may have just scared the living shit out of him, hotch, thanks by the way, now i'll have to deal with him whining all night that he's traumatised and can't fall asleep," valencia said with full sarcasam and little jazz hands as everyone's eyes widened - that little threat traumatised matteo? jesus christ, this guy's meant to be a nursing student and he finds that traumatising?

"o...kay, that was weird. umm, are you alright, val? do you need one of us to walk you back to your car just in case matteo didn't go there but back to the bar you guys were at earlier?" spencer asked, trying not to be too obvious as valencia nodded her head

"could you do that, please? this case really messed with me and i don't think i could deal with walking on my own in the dark..." valencia shivered as spencer nodded his head but, the entire team started to walk with them even though they all parked their cars in different levels of the secure parking garage

"...umm, guys, why are you following me and spence?" valencia chuckled when she noticed the rest of the team followed her and spence

"we don't have places we need to be urgently, callahan. please, let us help you walk to your car safely, it's the first time we've formally met your new boyfriend and we can't be too careful now can we?" hotch spoke up as valencia couldn't argue so she didn't push it any further and appreciated her team more

walking at least a mile more and up a level, they finally made it to valencia's car and, they did not expect to see matteo waiting patiently in front of the hood of her car. they had all genuinely thought he would have strolled back on into that bar and drunk himself silly but, no, he was calmly waiting at the car, seemingly ready to go back to his gf's apartment. but, it wasn't until the rest of the team started walking away when matteo started making conversation with spencer.

"...excuse me...you..you said you were spen-sam, right?" matteo was nervous as he lightly tapped spencer's shoulder as he turned around, valencia, again, wanting a black hole to just swallow her up at her bf's purposeful nature of calling spencer by the wrong name

"no...no, my name isn't sam...it's spencer but, whatever, what's up?" spencer continued even though it annoyed him slightly at matteo's purposeful refusal to correctly say his name

"how...how long did you and valencia date? when me and val first met, before we even started to date, she was telling me about how she's with the fbi and was dating a fellow fbi agent but never said any details like how long you guys dated or why you broke up or anything...and i...i was just wondering how long you guys were together for before you decided to break things off..." okay, no, it was clear at this stage that he hadn't been at his car the whole time, matteo had definitely had some hard beers before stumbling his way back to the car and attempting to sober himself up so it looked like he had been there the entire time

"...oh, umm, we---"

"--how long ago did you meet valencia, matteo?" spencer cut off valencia before she could reveal that information straight away which valencia seemed relieved by

"oh...we..uh, we met around four weeks ago in hawaii during valencia's vaction and mine as well but we'd been talking for a week before we met but we started dating three weeks ago--"

"--so yeah, it's still quite new and it's been interesting as matteo is quite the guy but umm, it's fun!" cutting off matteo, valencia spoke grittedly through her teeth, making her new boyfriend sound anything but amazing just like she could so easily do with spencer, especially considering the relationship was so new and that could have been the reason why valencia was kind of selling her new boyfriend so short, she didn't want to hype him up too early

"okay, okay, not that long but, have you guys said the l word to each other yet?" spencer played up his romantic and excited voice that he'd hear the girls do a lot as matteo awkwardly laughed again, as did valencia as matteo at this point just turned around and hoiked himself up into the car and shut the door - spencer recognising that maybe something wasn't right but, like before, didn't push it further

"well, i...i have said it but, matteo, i think is just waiting for the right moment, ya know? maybe he just isn't ready yet as he did have a bad breakup before meeting me so, yeah..." valencia nodded her head with a smile, hoping to convince herself that she had nothing to worry about as her team also nodded their heads, with some scepticism about matteo - just because you're a profiler, doesn't necesarily mean you're a good liar!

valencia and her team continue to talk a little bit longer before it became obvious that poor old matteo was tired and wanted to sleep. so, they started to farewell one another since it was now way past all of their collective bedtimes and if they didn't leave now, they'd be sleeping in their cars and that wasn't a pretty sight for the rest of the fbi units to wake up to in the morning. hoisting herself into her suv, valencia started up the car and drove out of the parking garage with her now sleeping boyfriend in the passenger seat, en route back to her apartment to get at least an hour or hopefully three of some shut eye before having to be called back in the next morning.

driving back to his own apartment, spencer couldn't help but remember how happy he was with valencia. valencia made spencer so much happier which was what made it tricky for him to understand how someone like matteo made valencia happier than spencer did. to spencer and the rest of the team, it seemed as if matteo was trouble and it worried them sick and they hadn't even known him a full day yet. worried them to the point where they thought that he might be an abusive boyfriend or if not now, will eventually get to that point.

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you, but ain't nobody need you like i do. 

throughout the next couple of cases, spencer made sure to keep his eyes on valencia but especially matteo. he had started to get heavily involved in wanting to help valencia and the team to the point where he wasn't showing up to his own workplace at the community college hospital. it was obvious that matteo was becoming jealous of his girlfriend's job and was trying to take over every aspect of not just her worklife but her personal life as well. she couldn't spend time outside of time with matteo, and if she did, it had to be in a public place where matteo could keep tabs on her and could pull her out of the catch-up whenever he saw fit or felt like there was a problem. if anything, matteo was being way more paranoid than any of the fbi agents and bau team were and those guys were highly paranoid and self-aware of their surroundings. but, matteo's paranoia and selfwareness was now getting out of hand and forcing valencia to be isolated, even at work where she'd usually get to escape from her home life and her boyfriend but, nope, not when you're dating matteo de la costa ladies and gentleman! spencer wanted to keep his eyes mainly on valencia as he wanted to make sure he was safe and that matteo had at least at some point relaxed on his paranoia and that he wouldn't try anything sneaky to hurt her. but, it was also because spencer still needs her. spencer still felt like he had so much more to give to valencia, no longer caring if it would be dangerous and potentionally causes a life or death situation, way more than matteo would be able to give anyway. especially considering how matteo just looked like he was bad news when you first make eye contact with the guy.

it was coming towards the end of another long case. an overkill of stabbing and rape case in new jersey and it looked as if everyone could read valencia's mind and her teary eyes and what was to come next.

the case had reminded valencia of the very case that caused her and spencer to break up in the first place. also in new jersey, the team had travelled over there for a completely different case only to be dealing with a stap and a rape case before the unsub, who had a previous connection to valencia, kidnapped her and only just grazed her with their carving knife, not getting the time to fully finish the stap and rape because her team got there just in time to catch the unsub. whilst getting checked out by emt's, valencia rested on the bumper of the ambulance and spencer forced himself to walk over to his girlfriend who was about to have a conversation with the grim reaper but narrowly missed. and it was in that moment that spencer knew that whilst he'd always love valencia for now and forever, he couldn't risk their love and being together if he was always so paranoid of having to watch the love of his life be killed in front of him purely because she's an access point of weakness and vulnerability of spencer to unsubs, particularly the ones he's had prior connections with. on the last few write ups the team had, it looked as though spencer was on the verge of tears if valencia looked closely enough. it broke her heart, she hated the amount of pain she and spencer's break up put on him, even though it was a mutual breakup, that still didn't take away the pain that the both of them felt over it ending.

valencia just wished she never gave it up with spencer, even if it did mean constantly being paranoid that they could lose each other due to an unsub connected to either one of them, even though some part of her loved matteo and she was glad she was dating him, she had been thinking a lot lately of the what if's about her and spencer.

and then suddenly, completely out of nowhere, valencia started crying when she and spencer made eye contact after taking a quick break from writing their reports. spencer wished he hadn't of made valencia cry but, at the same token, he was glad it wasn't him that was crying this time otherwise, he knew how bad that would have made valencia feel. she had then gone to turn around to see if matteo had any tissues since, even through paperwork and reports, he was inserting himself into his girlfriend's job but, found out that no one was next to her and he was nowhere to be seen.

for a moment, it freaked her out, not knowing where her boyfriend had gone but, thankfully, spencer came to her rescue and handed her a tissue before going back to his desk and his report. valencia was now back to thinking about whether or not it was a smart idea to bring matteo and tell him about her job since he was now taking over her job and it also got her thinking about if she really did love him or if he actually loved her. or, if he was like spencer and the rest of the team thought, was just an abuser and a troublemaker.

i know there's others that deserve you but darling i am still in love with you. 

it didn't take rocket science for the rest of the team to figure out why valencia was crying and that spencer was focusing too much on valencia whilst still knowing he was still head over heels in love with her. whilst it was obvious to valencia and his teammates, it was shockingly something that matteo never noticed, skimming right over his head due to his own paranoia and self-awareness, he had no idea at the way spencer paid more attention to valencia. even though spencer knew that there were others that deserved valencia like he promised her, he still found it difficult to comprehend that she did move on because at the time they made that promise, they were both unaware of how quickly valencia would move on after the breakup.

and finally, at just after midnight, all of the team had finished their paperwork and had all offered, once again, to walk valencia down to her car where they once again, saw a slightly hungover matteo waiting at the hood of the car. it was moments like these that it became clear to valencia that maybe, falling in love with matteo was bad news...dangerous even. however, she still desperately tried hard to hide the newfound fear that arose in her as matteo's paranoia would cause him to be mean and very heavyhanded.

*

but i guess you look happier, you do. my friends told me one day i'll feel it too. 

but, just before valencia stepped into her car where matteo was waiting, she stepped back out of the car and walked the step destination to spencer. during that moment, matteo too stepped out of the car, seeming like there was an important conversation he needed to have with his girlfriend as valencia and spencer continued to walk further towards spencer's car, creating some distance between them and matteo.

"...val, can i please...have a second just to speak to you? it's serious and it can't really wait--"

skidding to a halt, valencia turned around to face her boyfriend, her face red as heavy breaths left her mouth, "--oh, sorry matteo but, i need to have a chat with spence about some work related stuff that's confidential and not for you to hear. we'll be very quick, i promise, can we talk about this another night? we can talk later, i promise!" valencia quickly interjected as, to be honest, she was wanting to speak to spencer to get away from matteo who rolled his eyes before standing down and walking back over to valencia's car

"oh, darling, of course, you can! go, have your chat with spencer, i'll just be over at the car, okay? i love you, princess!" matteo smiled, giving valencia a kiss making her squeal that he finally told her he loved her - okay, maybe he wasn't so bad after all and she ran like a little kid as she and spencer locked eyes again

"thanks, matteo! i love youuu!" valencia squeals out as she then jogs back over and sees spencer outside of his car, the two of them locking eyes 

as music from both cars started playing through their opened windows, valencia pulled spencer in for a hug before pulling away, "hey..." valencia trailed off as she giggled as spencer held her tightly, the both of them slipping behind the car as he spins the both of them around in a circle, something they hadn't done since their split

"...hi," spencer whispered back before in another short breath, whispered, "you know, i've missed doing cases with you without matteo being involved in them," he whispered again, softly placing valencia back on the ground as she giggled softly, lifting her head up, placing a loose strand of hair behind her ear

"i have as well...and, oh my god, you did amazing during that case! you figured out all the puzzle pieces so goddamn quickly, i could barely keep up with you! oh, also, matteo told me as well that he thought you guys did a great job as well..." it was obvious to spencer that valencia was lying - again, just because you're an amazing profiler, doesn't make you a good liar!

but that didn't make spencer mad, it made him worry as there were little tells that she started to do whenever she mentioned matteo and it was a lie. and, all of this hesitation and lying from valencia made spencer suspicious and think that maybe it was because valencia's scared of matteo but was at the same time so blinded by her love and infatuation for him that she finds her hesitation and lies when she's around him or speaking about him to be normal. seeing this and now after constantly being around matteo since first meeting him, this was now also scaring spencer as much as it was potentially scaring valencia.

"oh, thank you, valencia! i'm so glad that both you and matteo thought that! wait, where did he go, wasn't he just waiting in your car..."spencer asked in confusion as valencia turned to notice that he was right, matteo was no longer in her suv and due to how dark it was since it was way after midnight, it was scary not knowing where her boyfriend was

"...oh, umm, i don't know but it doesn't matter because it just gives us a longer time to chat to each other without him being the background just watching," valencia smiles, her nerves going away as spencer felt sick in his stomach

"okay cool, umm, because it's so cold, do...do you wanna sit in my car for a bit until matteo comes back?" spencer's skin started to crawl, why was matteo acting so shady and possessive over valencia

"can we please?" valencia asked as spencer wasted no more time in unlocking his car as the two of them entered his car and sat together and waited for matteo to return back to valencia's car as spencer tried not to think too much of the situation as once again, like his friends said, one day, spencer would feel the same joy that valencia's found with matteo and that one day soon, spencer is also going to move on

i could smile to hide the truth but i know i was happier with you. 

it was around one am when matteo finally came staggering out of the pub across the street from the fbi building and back to valencia's car. which meant that it was hometime and valencia was once again stuck with matteo being hungover and very unpredictable and began to touch her inappropriately. but, just like spencer had been doing the entire time, valencia was smiling to hide away the truth of how she truly felt. obviously, because he was still there, and spencer didn't want to leave first until valencia and matteo did, matteo joined the last part of their conversation. and it was uncomfortable, for both spencer and valencia because matteo was being blunt, rude, possessive, hungover but he was also trying to cover it up and justifying it by saying he was just being protective of his girlfriend.

"...so, sam, you dated valencia for a brief period of time, how long was it?" matteo, once again called spencer by the wrong name as he asked in a sloppy tone of voice which grossed out valencia and spencer, she had never seen matteo be so crude but assumed it was due to the alcohol and because he was curious since it wasn't the first time he had asked

fighting the urge to roll his eyes, spencer sighed, "it's spencer and yes, i did, valencia and i dated for three years, three months and three days..." the boy wonder corrected the inebriated man as he smiled a small smile, hoping that his feelings were being hidden away and not so obvious

"...hmm...three years...three months...and three days...is...is that what i have to beat baby doll?" matteo slurred as she started to nonconsensually kiss valencia's neck as she nervously gulped, trying to grab his face to get him to stop as spencer watched on in anger and worry

"yes matteo, three years, three months and three days and, i won't lie when i say those three years, three months and three days were bloody fucking fantastic. it was just the worry and a safety thing because of our job that killed us so it was the right person wrong time so i have no idea, maybe you and i could get to three years or even beat it, matteo. however, we are still yet to get to a month so, be patient darling okay, be patient!" valencia spoke with a slight tone in her voice as she smiled, trying her hardest to act all lovey-dovey around him when she was uncomfortable, especially with the few drinks he was influenced by

"mmmkay babyy..." matteo slurred out again as he started to feel his hands around valencia yet again, the girl laughing uncomfortably, trying to hide the very noticeable fear in her eyes and body language even though she was in love with matteo - noncensensual touching was still not okay if you were dating the person

"i love you, matteo, i really do but, we don't touch me like this when we're around other people, okay? that's for our personal private times, got it?" the girl spoke through gritted teeth again, slapping matteo's hand away as the man started to sober up and nodded his head

"okay baby, let's leave then, we can catch up with your friend/ex-boyfriend tomorrow at work! i still have something i need to tell you, remember?" matteo whispered as valencia nodded her head, whispering back to him asking if she could just say one final goodbye to spencer, nodding his head, matteo released his arms from valencia's waist and waited inside the car

situating himself into the car, matteo didn't argue and allowed the exes to have one final goodbye. valencia smiled again as she went back over to spencer to say her goodbyes since the rest of their team had since long gone by this point. they both smiled as they hugged and chatted a little more. valencia and spencer were finally alone again and valencia just smiled and went on her tippy toes as she pulled him in for a hug.

"thanks for helping me during the case today, spence. i truly thought we'd be going home without any answers or any arrests, i think it was also really good for matteo to see how i work and what my job does and for him to meet you guys. it seems as if he's truly interested but, i'll make sure he doesn't always insert himself into whatever case we're doing so, once again, apologies for that. but yeah, it's nice being back at work with you and the rest of the team and yeah, see you tomorrow, same place, same time..." valencia was about to leave when she paused and turned back around

"...i...umm, i know how hard it was for you to see me with matteo and the fact that i have moved on but, i'll always and i mean always love you spence. those three years, three months and three days we were together were truthfully and honestly the best fucking time ever but, i'm with matteo now and, i am glad you're okay with it..." valencia paused again as spencer nodded his head with a small smile on his face, he truthfully was glad she was happy again even though he did have some slight suspicions about the guy alongside the rest of their team who also had suspicions

"...okay, i really have to go now but, i love you loads spence and, i'll see you tomorrow for the next case that i'm sure is going to be even more gruesome than the last two we've had..." valencia blabbed out as she smiled and kissed spencer's cheek, his cheeks flushing a bright pink as he smiled back, his hand slightly grazing his cheek as valencia walked away to her car  

"...yeah, i...i need to go too and yes, you will see me tomorrow for the next case...i love you more..." spencer trailed off as he grazed his cheek that valencia kissed as he sighed - valencia really was in with matteo, she was really happy with him

baby, you look happier you do, i knew one day you'd fall for someone new. 

one month later, it seemed as if valencia and matteo were still dating... that is, what people who saw valencia's personal instagram account thought that is.

liked by matteodelacosta, drsreid, aaronhotchner, penelopegarcia, derekmorgan, emilyprentiss and 100 others

valenciacallahan just a girl and her mans 🤍

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matteodelacosta love you baby!

drsreid so cute you two!

aaronhotchner you two having a nice vacation?

penelopegarcia oh aren't you guys just cute?

derekmorgan we need you back with us pretty girl! we're struggling without your intelligence, pretty boy's isn't enough!

emilyprentiss you have a tattoo?

however though, as most people are aware, not everything that you see online is real and picture-perfect. recently, matteo and valencia were arguing and fighting like crazy. but it wasn't like valencia had done anything wrong, it was just something that had spiralled out of control after matteo had forced valencia to take yet another vacation during a huge string of difficult cases and arguements that he would start. unfortunately, as spencer and the rest of the team, unfortunately, guessed and suspected would happen, matteo was now dangerous and abusive. matteo was so abusive that he would punch walls, merely inches from missing valencia's face each time.

"...matt...matteo, babe, please...please stop! what...what did i do wrong? just...just tell me and i...i can fix it! just...i...i need to get to work!" valencia squeals out, curling up agaisnt the wall and mere inches from where matteo's hand was close to punching her

"stop talking with and seeing that sam guy! it's him that is causing this trouble! DO YOU NOT SEE THE WAY HE LOOKS AT YOU WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER?!" matteo suddenly raises his voice which makes valencia mad - how dare he say shit about spencer when spencer hadn't done anything wrong

"matteo de la costa! his name is spencer and he has done nothing wrong. the two of us have been friends since we were children and we work together. yes, he's going to look at me in a certain way because we dated for three bloody years and we're best friends and work colleagues but, i means anything but what you think it means because i'm with you and because i love you...not...hot him..." valencia hesitates towards the end as fear surges through her but, it was too late, matteo was mad and his paranoia all the way up to a hundred

"NO VALENCIA, YOU DON'T LOVE ME! YOU NEVER HAVE AND YOU NEVER WILL! YOU HAVE LOVED SPENCER THIS ENTIRE TIME, YOU TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE YOU'D RATHER BE WITH HIM THAN ME!" matteo screams, throwing another punch at the wall, again merely missing valencia by an inch but valencia smiles at the fact he finally got spencer's name right

"FINE! YOU GOT ME MATTEO! I DO LOVE SPENCER AND I STILL DO, I NEVER STOPPED LOVING HIM BECAUSE THE SAFETY OF US BEING TOGETHER WITH THIS DANGEROUS JOB WAS ALWAYS IN THE WAY. WHICH WAS THE REASON WE BROKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE, NOT BECAUSE WE STOPPED LOVING EACH OTHER! YES, I ADMIT, I TALK ABOUT SPENCER LIKE I'D RATHER SPEND TIME WITH HIM OVER YOU BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER SPEND MY TIME DOING ANYTHING BUT BE SEEN WITH YOU! YOU CONSTANTLY INTERFER WITH MY JOB WHEN ME AND MY TEAM ARE TRYING TO WORK, YOU ARE CONSTANTLY PARANOID FOR NO REASON BECAUSE YOU'RE MEANT TO BE A NURSING STUDENT IN DOWNTOWN VIGIRINA YET YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO FIND A WAY TO FIND ME WHEREVER IT IS I'M DOING A CASE AND YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO INSERT YOURSELF INTO IT FOR NO REASON! SPENCER HAS ALWAYS TREATED ME RIGHT WHEN WE WERE BEST FRIENDS AND WHEN WE DATED! HE'S THE BEST MAN EVER AND I--" just before valencia could continue or pause to defend herself since she was all dressed and ready for the newest case they had been called in for, matteo went crazy and picked up a glass vase

because, the moment valencia realised that matteo had picked up the glass vase, it was too late. matteo had thrown the glass vase and it had struck valencia in the head, causing her to wobble back, smashing into the wall behind her.

she fell unconscious as she slid from the wall to the ground almost lifelessly, blood pouring from the back of her head, the glass that was on the ground now cutting into her skin, causing even more blood to trickle its way down the unconscious valencia's paling body. matteo didn't even stop to realise what he did wrong in his paranoid state and sprinted out of the house just as spencer was walking in because valencia hadn't shown up to work at the right time after matteo would give him that permission for the sake of keeping his girlfriend happy - not because he liked spencer.

matteo didn't even react to the fact that he had just injured his girlfriend until he heard spencer's voice that he had so very familiarised from the boy wonder and his eyes widened as the nursing student sprinted from the house.

"...matteo? are you alright? have you seen val, she was late for wor...oh my god, valencia!" spencer jolted back slightly as matteo ran past him, hitting the agent on his shoulder, his eyes widening the moment he noticed the scene in front of him

grabbing his phone from his pocket, spencer wasted no second in dialling 911 for an ambulance and police after he sent the code word to his team members after the team had created it for the situation of one of their own being in an abusive relationship, never thinking they'd need to use it, "...no, no, no, val, valencia! ahh, crap....come on, pick up, pick up! please help me!" spencer was hysterical within seconds of the 911 operater picking up his phone call

with all the possible information that was obvious from just the scene in front of him, spencer gave it all to the dispatcher who then sent out the ambulance and police vehicle with lights and sirens flashing and blaring. thanking the female dispatcher, ending the call since he could hear the sirens coming down the street, spencer threw his phone to the ground, the phone just stopping before it fell into one of the few puddles of blood as he then leant his back against the wall where valencia was and picked her up, cradling her in his lap.

she was wearing her typical work uniform, her tight v-neck long sleeve, dress pants, her belt, her gun and fbi credentials clipped to the side of her belt and block high heels. swaying the both of them lightly from side to side, spencer tried to keep the both of them calm and valencia as awake as possible as the sirens halted sound as did the flashing lights, meaning the paramedics and police had arrived but the rest of his team were still on their way.

"...cmon val, it's okay darling. just keep your pretty eyes open, it's spence, you're safe..." spencer whispered in a soft, surprisingly calm tone of voice as valencia suddenly squirmed before calming down from the pain of her injury and the fact that she was safe and it was spencer holding her, matteo nowhere to be found

"what...what happened? did...did matteo hit me?" groggy, valencia attempted to ask what had happened, well wanting to know if what happened did happen and she wasn't dreaming as spencer gave a small smile

"yeah babe, matteo hit you. that and he threw a glass vase at your head which caused you to fall back into the wall...but it's okay, matteo's gone and i'm here and the paramedics and police are just walking in and the rest of our team should be arriving shortly as wel, okay, you're safe," spencer stayed calm as valencia nodded her head as best as she could which made spencer relax a little better

immediately, the paramedics went over to check on valencia, both paramedics and police knowing that she was a federal agent as spencer stood up and slipped behind them so as not to be in the way. he felt tears well in his eyes as he watched his best friend get prodded and poked and sked so many questions that the poor thing could barely keep up with their questions.

"...agent callahan, darling, can you please let us help you? my name is sammy and this is angel, we're paramedics and we are here to help you and to treat your injuries..." sammy, the male paramedic repeated for a second to valencia who was slipping between awake and sleep

"...am i okay? where...where's spence?" valencia panicked, no longer about to see spencer as sammy and angel decided that they needed to work quickly and to keep valencia as repsonive for as long as they possibly could

"valencia, spencer is still here, he's just talking to the police, and yes, you are okay, you've just got a head injury and small non-fatal lacerations scattered across your upper body, arms and legs. your head injury is our biggest concern so, could you please tel us your name and your fbi credentials, even though we already know it?" angel then asks as valencia blinks, thinking for a moment but it seemed as if nothing was registering in her mind other than spencer

"uh...umm...i...my..." the first and second try she doesn't get it but, by the third try, she manages to mumble her name and fbi credentials out

"...val...valencia...my name is valencia, i'm...i'm twenty-four and i'm a supervisory special agent with the fbi's behavourial analysis unit and my...my boyfriend matteo de la costa and i got into an arguement before i was supposed to leave for a new case for work and he...he hit me a couple of times after threatening too and then he...he picked up the glass vase and hit me over the head with it as i then fell back, hitting my head again on the wall..." valencia wangles out as the paramedics and spencer, who was teary-eyed, smiled in shock with widened eyes as they listened to valencia remember every single detail of the accident

spencer could barely deal with the unsubs or random strangers treating valencia with that much disrespect but, it shocked him so much more that it was matteo because he was supposedly in love with her and he trusted matteo to take care of her and he didn't.

"...well done, valencia. thank you for the information..." sammy thanked as valencia smiled in return when sammy's attention went back to angel

"...angel, i think the only thing we can do is just get agent callahan into the ambulance and to the hospital, she is back and forth from consciousness even though she does remember her name, her fbi credentials and what happened, there's still a chance that something bad could happen..." sammy concluded as angel agreed straight away, sammy moving forward and picking up valencia in his arms, carrying her bridal style towards the stretcher as they then proceed to wheel her out to the ambulance

spencer then quickly followed after them into the ambulance, obviously his last thought on the glass shards on the floor and the fact he was covered in his ex-girlfriend/coworkers blood, sammy closed the back of the ambulance before jumping into the front seat, flooring down the street to the nearest hospital as angel and spencer sat in the back with valencia.

"...agent reid, if you could, please let agent hotchner, know that he and the rest of the team needs to meet us at the mary washington hospital, it's the closest one," angel spoke up as she continued to monitor valencia's vitals, spencer nodding his head as he immediately grabs his phone and rings hotch

hotch

"hey, hotch, could you and the team meet valencia and me at mary washington hospital, please instead of valencia's apartment?" 

"of course, you guys safely in the ambulance? what about de la costa?"

"have the police found him?" 

"yes, we're safe and in the ambulance. and, about de la costa, we have no idea. we haven't been given any information regarding the police's search for him. but my guess is he just ran for it because i was entering when he was leaving and it was clear he was leaving in a rush. he legged it when i noticed what had happened and didn't have time to run after him and take care of valencia. i walked in further to see that matteo had hit valencia over the head with a glass vase, she couldn't move out of the way quickly enough it seemed. now, i don't exactly know what they were fighting about since i didn't hear it but, the police did take witness statements from neighbours. all i can say is that they were definitely fighting again."

"again? jesus christ, how many more times are they going to fight and she's not going to do something about it? i feel so awful for her, callahan doesn't deserve this!"

"how far away are you guys from the hospital in the ambulance? myself, morgan and prentiss are five minutes away and rossi, jareau and garcia are about ten minutes away"

"the ambulance is like three minutes away hotch, meet me in waiting room three! the hospital with place her in the icu considering it's a head injury!"

"oh you best be there in three, we'll all be there in two! stay safe and, spencer, stay calm, valencia is a strong girl and matteo, the fucker, is going to pay for this!"

"thank you hotch, i'll see you and the team in waiting room three!"

the call between hotch and reid has been disconnected. 

spencer now felt less agitated knowing that when he got to the hospital, his team were also going to be there as well. knowing he wasn't going to be alone really gave spencer some comfort as he now just had to deal with the thought that the person that he thought loved his best friend and ex-girlfriend would even think to do this to her, not just this once but all the countless other times that he and the team suspected he was abusing her.

from what spencer saw of matteo and heard of him, he could be really kind, funny, enthusiastic, sarcastic, an amazing nursing student, a bit of a jerk and petty when he purposefully would eiter misprounounce of call someone by the wrong name, pretty possessive when drunk and constantly try to self-insert himself into the bau whilst they were working on a case, overall, he was a great guy. sure, as mentioned, he did make some uncomfortable and inexcusable comments when drunk and when he'd insert himself to the bau but, maybe valencia got uncomfortable due to never seeing it before those times it did happen when she first introduced her team to matteo. matteo isn't a bad guy, right...right?

*

a couple of weeks go by since valencia was first brought into the hospital by ambulance when she was starting to regain full consciousness again. after many ct scans and x-rays, it had been ruled out that valencia's memory or head injurt was not a serious concern anymore, she was moved out of the icu and into a regular room on the first floor. all she needed was regular pain medication to stop any internal and external swelling.

the entire time that supervisory special agent valencia callahan was confined to her icu room in the hospital, spencer and the rest of the bau were there also. strauss had been asked to give the rest of their impending cases to other units in the bureau until valencia was released and cleared from the hospital. they never actually wanted to leave due to the heavy risk of matteo coming in and attempting to apologise for what he did so, they never left and the hospital staff and unit section chief erin strauss allowed it. for a while, especially at the beginning of valencia's time at the hospital, just the mention of matteo's name between her team members would make valencia stress out which would then cause trauma to her head injury which was something they were heavily trying to avoid.

valencia was beyond grateful to spencer and the rest of her bau family for never leaving her bedside and staying in her room with her. she was grateful because it made her feel safe in knowing that with her team with her, matteo couldn't get to her and they weren't ever going to leave her side, no matter who she chose to fall in love with or out of love with. even if she only started to realise it now, in a hospital bed as well-respected, well-acclaimed federal agent, in a hospital bed out of the icu that she was with the wrong person.

"...spence..." valencia mumbled, filling out the silence as she had just finished some testing which caused her to be a little drugged and groggy, spencer smiled at hearing his name

"...yeah, what's up, valencia?" spencer responded softly, quickly turning to face her again as he grabbed her hand to hold, making the drowsy agent smile at the connection

"was...were the police actually able to find out what happened? what did matteo and i actually fight about?" valencia questioned, shocking spencer as since the accident, spencer and the team had been quite apprehensive about telling the full story what what matteo did since for some reason, maybe due to a trauma response that spencer would totally knew the ins and outs of, valencia could remember everything else about what happened but the actual fight that led. upto her injuries

and the reason being was that, a couple of days after being transferred to the hospital, spencer recieved a phone call from the police that had been dispatched out on his 911 call and told him that they not only had found and apprehended matteo de la costa but his statement of events lined up basically identically to every single one of the witness statements from the surrounding neighbouring apartments who had heard the two of the them fighting. and, now, valencia wanted to be told? this worried everyone but no one was more worried than spencer himself was.

"val...valencia, are you sure you want me to tell you? what he did was horrific..." spencer trailed off, fighting back his own tears as valencia slowly nodded her head yes

seeing the head nod, spencer breathed in as the rest of the team, even hotch and rossi, braced themselves as spencer was the only one to be given that follow up phone call with the information from the police.

"...please, spence. i...i wanna know and i'm ready, besides, i deserve to know, don't i?" valencia was certain that she wanted to know and she made it clear, spencer nodded his head as he then held his hand out for his best friend to hold, which she reciprocated straight away

"...okay, umm, just to preface this, this is what i was told by the police and what they were told by him and the witnesses that heard it..." however, it seemed as though spencer no longer needed to tell the story since whatever trauma response was blocking valencia from remembering before was gone and she remembered

her eyes widened as she squeezed spencer's hand tighter, "...i...oh my god...i remember what we were fighting over!" she called out, making spencer turn his head up again, in a bit of shock but a little bit glad since that was the one thing the police were a bit iffy about telling him

"what was the fight over, callahan?" hotchner speaks up, spencer not able to as the rest of the team all nervously awaited to hear. it,not expecting to be told what valencia was about to tell them

valencia never imagined she'd be embarrassed saying this but she was, making eye contract with spencer, "it...the fight was over you, spence..." the injured agent then turned her head back down to her hands that rested in the hospital sheets as spencer sat in shock, the fight was over him?

"...it...the fight was over me?" spencer could feel his breathing pick up as valencia nodded her head slowly as she continued the story further, remembering other things that spencer had already been told by the police that the team were hearing for the first time

"mhm, it was because i couldn't stop talking about you and the team to matteo. he...he must have thought i was cheating on him and that we were dating behind his back or something, his paranoia clearly the highest it's ever been and, he...he told me to stop talking about you as he then started to talk crap about you..." valencia paused as spencer's jaw tensed up as he gulped down some saliva that he was almost about to choke on

the rest of the team were listening in pure shock, "....i, of course, defended you, saying you look at me the way you because you did date for three years, we work together and that we are still best friends, so i didn't take any care at how you looked at me as that's how you have always looked at me, even as kids before we dated. i told matteo i loved him, though it was with hesitation and i think that's what made him even madder as that was when he started to yell, saying that i didn't love him and that i...that i still loved you, spence..." the drowsy agent trailed off again as she licked her lips as she continued, spencer lightly caressing her hand in comfort with his thumb

"...and, that...was when i said it. i shouted it actually, telling him that he was correct...i...i do still love you, spence. i *sigh* i never stopped loving you spence, i seriously didn't, even when it became dangerous to keep on loving you. i then explained to matteo that the reason why we broke up was because of our jobs and how dangerous it would have been if we stayed together and the fear of having something bad happening to one of us, not that we didn't love each other and that i talk about you so much because you are incredible spence, you truly are!" once again, valencia paused so she could catch her breath and take a gulp of water before continuing, spencer remaining engaged and listening, the rest of the team in silent shock but slight joy

"i then continued on saying how you always treated me right, not just when we dated but as best friends and work colleagues and, i know i shouldn't have but, it was all i could think to say. and that was what drove him over edge but i just kept on going and kept on egging him on and pushing him by saying how much of an amazing person you are when he just couldn't handle it anymore and...and then he picked up the glass vase and he threw it at me...and i didn't realise he had thrown it until it was too late and bam, it hit me right in the back of the head and i just, fell and slid down the wall, the shards of glass underneath me just cutting into me..." valencia trailed off, most especially after mentioning that she was still in love with spencer, even after she had convinced herself that she had moved on from her best friend and that it was safer to not date him even when she hadn't ever really planned to do that

this quite obviously caught spencer breathless as he tried to form a coherent sentence, "...val...valencia, you...still love me?" he stammered out as the drowsy, medically drugged-up agent nodded her head as her lip quivered

"oh my gosh, spencer, yes! matteo broke my heart, maybe even more than my heart actually and i should have known! spence, this wasn't the first fight matteo and i had had! it was maybe at least the tenth or something crazy stupid like that. those photos of us on my instagram post when we were supposed to be on vaction were taken ages ago which was before i even introduced you guys to him during those cases that he inserted himself into. as soon as the cases started getting longer and more gruesome, causing me to be away from matteo more and more, we had just hit breaking point, matteo and i. it was always, always matteo accusing me of something, never me accusing him because i stupidly trusted and loved him enough to think that he wouldn't hurt me or break my heart because he wouldn't get hurt since he wasn't apart of the fbi. yet i've still ended up in the hospital without even needing to get hurt during a case which is just as worse as getting injured during a case by an unsub. i...i am so sorry i never told you or confirmed your guys' suspicions, i...i was just scared, so scared that matteo would hurt me if he found out i was trying to ask you guys for help or for a way out," valencia trailed off, a small single tear escaping from the corner of her eye to her cheek, spencer wiping it away

and if he breaks your heart like lovers do, just know that i'll be waiting here, for you

spencer and valencia sat in silence with one another just staring at each other, consoling one another and wiping away each other's tears. the team watching on saw the love and infatuation, the same one they always had for each other, spark all over again as if it never faded. valencia never stopped loving spencer, she was just waiting for the right time for them to be safe again so she and spencer could met back up again at the perfect roadblock and start from where they had left off.

and that's actually what they ended up doing and, it was like love at first sight again for the. twoof them. that was, after hotch had given them both permission to date one another again since it was no longer a safety issue for them to date again.

"...i love, valencia, i never stopped loving you..."

"...i love you too, spence, i never stopped loving you either!"

six months later

liked by drsreid, derekmorgan, katerinacallahanvasquez, emilyprentiss, aaronhotchner, penelopegarcia and 100 others

valenciacallahan can someone please tell my sister and brother-in-law to stop copying me and spence's poses please? congratulations to mr and mrs noah and katerina callahan vasquez, spence and i send our love and best wishes for your guys' new marriage 🤍

view all 100 comments

drsreid the audacity your sister and brother-in-law have to steal our poses! seriously though, congrats noah and katerina, we love you so much and wish the best for your guys' marriage 🤍

derekmorgan congratulations katerina and noah! i'm so glad that pretty boy and pretty girl got to go back home to be at the wedding!

katerinacallahanvasquez blame the photographer! they chose the pose not us! but thank you sissy, noah and i love you and spencer too! and hopefully, the next wedding is your guys' ;)

emilyprentiss awe, congratulations to katerina and noah! so glad you guys could actually be at their wedding 🤍

aaronhotchner congratulations katerina and noah! glad to see that you and spencer took the vaction days 🤍

penelopegarcia awe, this is gorgeous! congrats to katerina and noah! hopefully the next wedding is you and spencer's, val 🤍

and if he breaks your heart like lovers do, just know that i'll be waiting here, for you and he was waiting there for her and, spencer finally got his girl back safe and sound whilst still able to keep their jobs as fbi agents with the behavioural analysis unit. no longer worrying if they'd be targeted by unsubs with personal vendettas against them.

- - - 

rewriting this for dr spencer reid was so much fun and i kinda wish i continued further but maybe that just calls for a part two ;).

ok ily bye xx

wc; 13455

#criminal minds #angst but happy ending #spencer reid x bau reader #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #david rossi #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #penelope garcia

[stevetonyweekly]

SteveTony Weekly - November 5th

Welcome back! I didn’t read as much as I wanted this week, but there’s some delicious stories here. 

***Marks my recent favorites 

~*~ 

An Obeisance to Faults by drifloon

When Tony was little, he hated Cap because he stole Howard’s attention and affection. Captain America was gone, even Tony knew that, but he was right here—dad, don’t you see?

Cap became the standard Howard held him to, and that was the source of Tony’s resentment as he grew older, but eventually—

Eventually, he hated Cap because he looked at Steve Rogers and found himself lacking.

I adore when Tony’s self loathing comes out as aggression towards Steve until he figures out WHY he’s being so dumb. 

in another life (you and i) by isozyme for Kiyaar

It’s a man, half-clad in silver armor. His face is covered by an angular mask, eyes glowing blue slits. The suit is a sick frankenstein of Captain America and Iron Man. Tony raises his palms, readying a repulsor blast.

The man opposite him raises a red-gloved hand which, like a terrible mirror, bears an identical repulsor.

The Civil Warrior makes it to Earth-616 six months too late.

This is so sad. Lovely and so sad. 

moonlit horizons by msermesth 

Tony doesn't believe in magic, but that hasn't stopped Timely's latest visitor from making him an offer he won't refuse.

Ironsides by copperbadge

Antonia Carter Stark takes no shit and no prisoners.

I love this whole fic--female Tony fic is hard to do well and still hit the right note on personality and this is just--flawless. 

I'm in the habit of having what I don't want by wobblyheadeddollcaper

Toni Stark, unstoppable force, meets Steve Rogers, immovable object. It's not love at first sight.

"She'd been prepared to like Bruce since she'd first read his scientific papers. It's a pleasant surprise to find out Clint's been hiding a deadpan sense of humour. Natasha – well, she'd always had a thing for wickedly competent redheads in impractical shoes (see Potts, Pepper) so that works. Thor is just really fucking fun. Captain Steve Rogers is... not."

Another female!Toni fic that’s just super well done--I especially love the relationship between Toni and Natasha. 

Love in every word you say by AkikoFumi

Steve makes a very precious discovery: Tony blushes at almost everything he does or says to him.

So soft and fluffy. 

Brinkmanship by Mollyamory (Molly), Speranza

Robots from the future appear, but only Steve can see them. They thank him for their creation. Then Tony starts seeing them.

I love the playing with time and the way Tony and Steve are brought together. 

your tender touch by Perlmutt 

After the battle against the Chitauri, Tony comes crashing into Steve's life, wonderful and amazing Tony, and Steve falls for him so hard that he can't put it into words.

And Steve feels like a mammoth in the wrong century. It's up to Tony to show him how wonderful love looks on him

Speak Now by iam93percentstardust

Don't say yes, run away now

I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the back door

Don't wait, or say a single vow

Your time is running out, and they said, "Speak now"

~

“You don’t have to do this,” he says, reluctantly passing Steve his cufflinks when he holds his hand out for them.

“I know, Tony,” Steve sighs, his refrain as old as Tony’s by this point. “You’ve said that before.”

“And I mean it! It’s not too late to turn around and run away. I’ll meet you at the back of the church; we can take the limo, leave Bucky that ridiculous convertible. You don’t have to do this.”

I am a huge sucker for song fic and this was so we done. 

The Center Of My Universe by KandiSheek

Steve and Tony get hit with a spell that makes them each other's center of gravity. And not in the fun way.

Whoever came up with this curse has a prime spot on Tony's shit list for at least the next decade.

Fresh Start by Annie D (scaramouche)

Everyone can see that Tony and Steve like each other, yet Tony inexplicably turned Steve down. Tony has his reasons, though.

sweet nothing by ohjustpeachy

He would happily spend the rest of his life being surprised by the quiet kindness of Steve Rogers, by the way he gives love in a thousand small, perfect ways every single day, seemingly without a second thought, the kind of love Tony never imagined himself deserving of.

Or, 5 times Tony was caught off guard by his perfect boyfriend.

Steve Rogers Versus The Multiverse by copperbadge

Agent Steve Rogers, callsign Nomad, has been pushed through a dimensional wall. Fortunately there are a couple of Tonys to set things right...

Knock You Down A Peg by KandiSheek

Steve couldn't be happier with his relationship, but he does sometimes miss the feeling of getting fucked. Toni takes it upon herself to blow his mind with a strap-on.

running home (to your sweet nothings) by himboplantdad

i am so sorry for this (no i'm not).

stay tuned for more tswift lyric-based fics because midnights has me in a CHOKEHOLD

I love this fic. I just. Song fics have my whole heart. 

the symphony played when you told me your name by meidui

Tony returns the stones and goes back in time.

The day he goes toe to toe with Steve on the Helicarrier. No, that's too late. The night he lands in a flash of red and gold next to Steve in Germany—no, earlier, earlier. One of the many days Steve wanders down the streets of New York carrying his insurmountable grief, sits alone in his apartment with the shutters drawn as he watches old videos and pages through old personnel files— No, no. Earlier.

The day they pull Steve out of the Arctic.

all that you ever wanted from me (was sweet nothing) by meidui

Steve's not sure he’s ready to hear it from Tony, the same things his ex used to tell him. He’s twenty-four now and he still hasn’t outgrown the kid who dragged his body out of bed at dawn and worked himself to the bones to afford a seat inside a studio classroom.

Tony won’t want to be with that kid.

It's so soft.

#Stevetony weekly #stony #stevetony #fic rec #rec list #stony fic #stony fic rec #stevetony fic #Stevetony fic rec list #steve rogers #tony stark #captain america #iron man

[icyfox17]

1, 4, 8, 22, 26, 29, 30, 32, 35, 40, 52, 58 (It’s Golden Hour Somewhere :) and 61 (Wilbur Soot and Lovejoy!)

I know that’s a hekkin ton, so you don’t have to answer all of them XD

1. Are you an albums person or a singles person?

Albums !!! I think . askdfjksd

4. Is there a song you love but don't like its music video?

oh i am sure there are lots... especially songs from when i was a kid bc radio music always has hypersexualised music videos and those always made me feel so so uncomfy... can't think of an example rn though :0

8. Is there an artist or song that you like, despite being of a genre you don't usually like?

OOOHH HTHIS IS AN INTERESTING QUESTION HMM

Scared of the Dark by lil wayna, ty dollar sign, and xxx. i do Not like mumble rap and i really didn't like the verses but the CHORUS WAS SOOO GOUGHOGHOUGHOG EXPLODES that i listened to it on repeat and now i love the song (even tho i find the guys voice in the verse funny)

29. Songs you love to dance to:

funny you should ask that bc i have a playlist~ ... I JUST DELETED IT BY ACCIDENT FUCKKKKKK AWOFEIJAWEFLK

anyways. i will fix that later welp KFJSAKDJF

come on eileen by dexys midnight runners is A CLASSIC AND MUST BE ADDED IT'S THE BEST DANCING SONG EVER IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND EVER SINCE I READ BEES FIC HONEY AND TANGERINES IT MADE IT EVEN BETTER I CANNOT DO THIS RAHSSSSSS

disco by surf curse is another song that is just INSTANT DANCE VIBES how can u NOT dance to it

kiss goodnight by IDKHOW is another really lovely song that always makes me want to dance :)))

30. Songs you love to sing along to:

now this one i ALSO have a playlist and i will NOT delete it this time ohmgyod im actually so sad i loved my dancing playlist HELPS FDKJKJD

songs that are Simply Bangers hehehe this one's for when i just wanna shout lyrics at the top of my lungs

but for specific onesssss

Locked Outta Heaven by Bruno Mars // IT'S SO GOOD IT MAKES ME FEEL UNHINGED IL OVE IT SO MCHUH ABRKARKJWBAEKAWJKB unfortunately the lyrics make me feel Uncomfortable singing bc . major ace here woOOO but it's fine i just live in denial and try to remind myself that most ppl are actually yknow normal about sex unlike me LMAOFASJKFKJ

You Make My Dreams by Hall & Oats // literally any 80s song makes me so inexplicably happy and i Need to sing the lyrics aloud at the top of my lungs man

40. Which was the best concert you’ve ever been to?

i love ALL of the concerts ive been to but... half alive . half alive was SO FRICKEN COOL DAWGWGAOJIAWEAAEWR THE LIGHTS THE DANCING I CANT I CANNOT GET OVER IT IT WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE /SRS IT WAS INCREDIBLE OHMYOGDDD

52. Do you make playlists to be listened to in a specific order or in shuffle? Or both?

so i used to. hate shuffling. bc i am very very picky about the order of songs i listen to (like when i shuffle i will just . look at the queue and edit it intensely). so i used to make them for a specific order and actually one of my favourite things to do is figure out songs that transition super super nicely into each other oguhoguhgo so making a playlist that is perfect from start to finish is my dream... however rn i have such a big?? music taste??? that the playlists are so long and curating it to be the Perfect Experience would take too much time so now i just add shit and shuffle ofssdlkfd

58. Send me a song and I'll tell you the colors it made me think of, without looking at cover arts or music videos.

well that's just kinda unfair the word gold is literally in the title HELPPP but i picture the field that's in the music video (wait help "without looking at the music video" too late for that buddy it's engrained in my memory with how many times ive watched it), like that greenish colour that's what i think of yellowish green

but okay okay im turning it on now and the colours i get while listening to it is faded pastel yellow from the guitar intro, it turns more brownish orange in the verses, DEF a deep yellow/brown when the bass comes in

the chorus is green to me, the ooOooOOo is green and yellow to me

gosh i love golden hour

61. Make me choose between two artists/songs/albums.

ooohhh this one is hard bc like lovejoy has so much more stuff but wilbur soot changed my life

im choosing wilbur bc of since i saw vienna but do know that this hurt me asdjkfasdjkhf

#WOOO #thank you so much gracie #feel free to send me more colour ones :DDD #i LOVEEEE talking about songs and colours it makes me so so happy #im normally a basic bitch and have it related to the album art but i try not too !!! #foxieasks #grace tag #ask games

[gallantblade]

Got tagged by @yandereforelorn

✨ When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, then tag 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ✨

Rude to make me pick favorite followers but I will always share the music I like :) 1. A Good Song Never Dies. This song fucks inexplicably.

2. Hell's Coming With Me.

3. The Wolf

4. Dear Fellow Traveller. This song is gayer than gay sex.

5. Belgrade.

This isn't like an ordered list or anything, just whatever came to my head first.

Tagging @meditatemoremedicateless @bbonsai3321 @allenbyseyes @bigbadbearthoughts @hellpastel @sad-alien-club @monstersdollsandmore @bifauxnenbitch @radioactivemelody @thequeenwillriseagain. No pressure if you don't feel like it.

#Youtube

[words2livebyblog]

INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO GET OVER HIM

Friday, August 5, 2011

On the first night…

Imagine a monster the size of a house outside your building. See it rise out of the East River on a cold December night and settle next to your bedroom window, Manhattan lights from across the river dancing along its scales, two explosions of steam shooting from its nostrils and fogging the glass. Imagine that it loves you and will tear the flesh of those who don’t. Imagine it will never leave you. Let this inexplicably lull you to sleep.

In the morning…

Forget about the monster. Play Tetris in bed. Play well. Decide that if you score over 100 lines then he still loves you. Final score: 99.

Later…

Cry on the F train. Make it look like you’re resting your eyes, or concentrating on the music in your earphones, but feel something move from your chest to your throat, like a worm through an apple and let your eyes swell, get fat with tears. Then count the stains on the floor of the train, see them blur and drown, change shape. Trust that the strangers around you assume you have bad allergies this morning. Decide it doesn’t matter. Let them look at you and wonder.

Reach 23rd Street and feel suddenly haunted by two words. Let them arrive like a car accident, a violent Subaru running a red light. Hyper. And sensitive. Put them together and feel your hands get wet. Look up at the digital letters glowing red above the heads of standing passengers, hear the woman from the future’s voice through the loudspeaker. The Next Stop is Hyper Sensitive. Stand clear of the Hyper Sensitive.

Think of your Hyper Sensitivity as a condition, like asthma. Or a limp. Imagine the rest of your life with a limp.

That night…

Have a cigarette by your window and blow smoke at a faded moon. Play a sad song on your stereo, a woman’s voice, or guitar strings. A violin. Try to let it comfort you, knowing it should be his hands playing notes against the back of your neck, rubbing your scalp maybe, or pressing his thumbs into your shoulders. Feel your skin plead for his touch, every small hair on the surface reaching, like a nest of birds, newly hatched, starved.

Don’t enjoy the cigarette. See the smoke camouflaged and lost against your cream colored walls, making it feel like it doesn’t count.

Then…

Call a friend. Tell her everything:

You: He said I was a nightmare.

Her: You gave him nightmares?

You: Probably. But what I think he meant was being with me was a nightmare. Working with me was a nightmare. In fact, he said, working with you is a nightmare. You are a NIGHT. MARE.

Her: Ouch.

You: Do you think I’m a nightmare?

Her: Um…

Wait for her to answer.

You: Well, do you think working with me is a nightmare?

Her: Um…

Tell her thanks for listening, but that it’s time to take your dog for a pee. Feel like you swallowed a large boot. Imagine vomiting it into her lap.

Her: You’re not a nightmare. You’re… sensitive.

Walk the dog. Stay a few steps behind her, following like a piece of toilet paper stuck to a shoe. Imagine letting go of the leash and floating away. Know your dog won’t notice, her senses occupied by things living in the dirt and concrete that are more appealing than the smell of your sadness. So float away. Watch your dog get smaller and smaller and keep going. Until all you see is the roofs of buildings, squared shapes like a game of Tetris. Fit them together and watch them disappear. Try to make the world below you disappear. Create an empty canvass of black. And when there’s nothing left, fall. Never landing.

In bed…

Keep the monster from the East River by your window for another night. But this time it is discovered! Sirens and flashing lights, helicopters. Bombs exploding, the monster roars. Create a force field around the monster. Ride it’s back and terrorize Brooklyn.

Sleep and dream of something else entirely. Arrive at your old high school in your mother’s 1987 Volvo station wagon. Get out of the car and realize you’re naked from the waist down. Pretend this is normal, but feel yourself travel through humiliation like a ship through a dense fog. See him among a crowd of loud teenagers and realize you are there to pick him up from school. He is strolling, wearing a backpack full of books. He is happy and talking on a cell phone. He is beautiful. He sees you and his smile fades. He tells whoever is on the other end of his call that he has to hang up. Get scared that your presence is not expected, nor welcome, that you’re a stalker. But then he greets you, kisses you. His lips are withholding. Wake up and realize that every kiss in the real world was like this. Withholding and afraid.

Walk slowly to the F train, a boot in your chest, a bloody corpse handcuffed to your ankle.

During your walk…

Add up your flaws. Organize and separate them physically in your mind like cutlery. The forks from the knives from the spoons from your envy and your resentment from your suffocating loneliness from the smaller spoons and oddly shaped spoons from your angry righteousness and your very conditional loving from the sharp knives and the dull knives from the strange shape of your penis from the chopsticks from the can opener.

Put your flaws in an imaginary box, neatly arranged and placed according to their shape and size. Throw the box in the East River and watch it float away. Imagine shooting at it with a handgun, trying to sink it. Miss. Watch it live loudly on the surface of the water, floating past the Statue of Liberty, bobbing in the wake of the Staten Island ferry, washing up on the shore of a beach somewhere, discovered and opened by him, who recognizes the items in the box like bad memories from his childhood. See him bury the box in the sand.

Get off the F train.  Climb the stairs of the subway station, drag your corpse up 6th Ave. Turn onto 26th Street and run into the last person you’d like to run into.

Them: Heyyyy! How are youuuuu?

You: Goooood. How are youuuu?

Them: I’m greeaaat! You look tired

You: Yeah?

Them: Someone special keeping you up late?

You: Only creatures from the East River.

Them: Huh? You’re crazy.

You: Yeah.

Them: Hey, you still seeing that guyyyy?

You: It didn’t work out.

Them: Awwwwwwwwww, that sucks. You working?

Shrug and sweat. Try to find the courage to push this person into moving traffic. Fail. Realize that your shoulders have reached your ears and that it’s hard to swallow. Hate this person. Lose track of what they are saying because you are watching them die an excruciating death. Get caught.

Them: Um. Are you okay?

Imagine answering no and breaking, shattering into a million pieces of you, an exploding hourglass, dried up rose pedals crushed in a fist. See your self stuck to the bottom of people’s shoes rather than swept away by the wind.

Them: Cheer up, will you? And come see my show!

Go see the show on the off chance that he might be there since he knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who’s in the show. Take a seat in the back row. Notice you are tripping and bumping on your way to sit down, your limbs clumsy and slow, unable to keep up with the speed of your heart. Keep your eyes on the floor and the backs of people’s heads. Every now and then pretend that something has called your attention and forced you to look up. Then search for him and feel the layers of your skin flash hot. Don’t find him. Feel a mixture of relief and misery. Wait for the lights to go down and take your first breath. Be careful not to breathe too deep because at the bottom of your lungs is a sob.

In the dark, watch a show about a young girl who meets an older man. They are both searching for home and find it in each other. They are afraid, but drawn to each other like magnets, like a newborn to a breast. They try to destroy each other. The man understands that in order to save her he must make her leave, so he hurts her, so deeply she barely survives. Weep. Wipe tears from your neck. Allow your face to make different shapes of grief in the dark.

Next…

Mary your emotion with inspiration, with progress. Board the train back to Brooklyn and study the strangers around you. Love them. Each of them. Give an older woman your seat and have a better view of everybody from where you’re standing. Die for them, give them everything you have. Feel your toes pulling your socks away from the soles of your shoes to contain your elation, press your tongue to the roof of your mouth and clench your teeth to suppress a stupid smile. Watch a child holding a silver balloon. Imagine buying the child one thousand more.

Walk home from the train with a strange tickle in your groin. Remember the first time you saw him, sitting near him and studying his feet, the amount of hair on his head. His nervousness. The moment you caught him noticing you and the air beginning to sing.

Remember being amazed by all the details, subtle communications, by the way he leaned against a counter and watched a fly travel across the plastic surface of a table.

Enter the front door of your apartment and embrace your dog. Speak to her in a ridiculous voice. Feed her treats. Get on your computer and write enthusiastic emails. Tell someone it’s been too long, make plans. Tell someone else they’ve been on your mind, that you look forward to clinking drinks together in a place with loud music and candle wax dripping onto a bar.

Get on Facebook. Study people’s profiles, read their status updates. “Like” them, post comments. Type his name into the search engine. Look at his profile picture. See a handsome picture of him on a mountain, smiling in a green world. Remember the trip and the moment the picture was taken. Notice the picture has been cropped to remove you from the foreground. Read the posts on his wall. He is making plans. He is going dancing. He will meet a guy named Roger who is shirtless, who has muscles and a gotee. Scroll further down. He is reading about Buddhism. He is discovering Kandinsky. Scroll further. There is a quote:

“A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.” CHER

Lose touch with the lower half of your body and feel the boot turn to solid steel in your chest. Hear a strange sound behind you. Turn and see that your dog has vomited a thick yellow substance onto the floor. Clean up the vomit.

Get in bed. Hold your pet close to you. Close your eyes but they feel violent behind your eyelids. Listen to your pet’s breathing and consider her death, the inevitability of it. Feel stupid for loving something you know you will outlive.

Stay in bed. Wait for the monster to visit you. Wait until morning.

Stay in bed.

Beg for the day to end, for the hours to blow by without size or significance. Hate the weight of your head, the feel of anything against your skin. Listen to the sound of a neighbor waking and showering, the whistle of a teapot. Hear it mocking you. Know if you get out of bed you will feel the cold chill of shame hiding in your bathroom tiles and pushing against the naked bottoms of your feet. You will see your image miserable with an electric toothbrush in its mouth, you will wish you could shower and be dissolved, melt the skin off your bones and kill the heart that can’t be loved.

Stay in bed. Plead into a pillow. Make the mistake of slipping into sleep. Dream of your mother. She is alive. She is wearing a hat and you can’t see if she is crying. Beg your father not to leave her. Look into her eyes when she offers you a plate of food. Know that if you refuse it, you will lose her again and again and again.

Wake up.

Listen to your phone ring. Listen to it not ring. Wait for the monster.

Another neighbor leaves his/her house. Your dog is scratching at the floor, it sounds like the ugly heart inside you. Stay in bed.

Buy a new game on your iphone. There are zombies and you can shoot them with a number of different weapons. Advance to a high level and buy a chainsaw. Saw their heads off, split them in two and step across their remains. Kill 1,572 zombies. A high score. Get out of bed.

Go to the bathroom. Take your iphone with you. Kill more zombies.

Walk the dog. See zombie bloodstains on the sidewalk. Hear zombie killing music in your head.

Continue walking. Make your way to the river.

When you get there have this fantasy:

There is a small dinghy tied to a dock. You get in it with your dog, untie the knot and float out to see. The world disappears quickly and soon you and your animal are surrounded by water. Heavy, melancholy clouds hover and you can’t distinguish the ocean from the sky in the horizon. It is endless. It is the end.

Your heart is peaceful. Your dog rests her head on the edge of the raft, ears alerting every once in a while to any passing activity on the surface of the water. You fall asleep and dream of nothing, only the presence of water. When you wake up, it’s night out. It is pointless to open your eyes because you can see nothing in the darkness, only the sound of the sea and it sounds like nothing. You can feel the warmth of your animal against your body and your senses strive for something more, reaching for a noise or a shape but can find nothing, only the water and the darkness.

Float further and further out to sea. The darkness burns away and you see the sun rise over a dead calm. An enormous shadow appears from below. The surface bubbles and is broken, the calm is shredded and the monster rises from the deep and is before you, a silhouette of hugeness dripping wet and framed by the kind light of the sun. Have this conversation with the monster:

The Monster: What are you doing here?

You: I’m not sure. Where have you been?

The Monster: Yeah, um…

You: I’ve been waiting for you.

The Monster: Sorry. You brought your dog?

You: Well…

The Monster: Is she hungry? Have some of this.

You: Thanks. You’re very kind. Are you ever coming back?

The Monster: Hm.

You: I sleep better when you’re around.

The Monster: I understand.

You: I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if you don’t come back to me.

The Monster: Don’t make this weird.

You: Sorry. I’m not myself these days. Or maybe I am myself, maybe I’m exactly me and that’s the problem.

The Monster: Well that doesn’t sound very healthy.

You: That’s what I’m trying to tell you.

The Monster: Right.

You: Can I stay here with you?

The Monster: Um…

You: I like it here.

The Monster: I don’t think it’s such a good idea.

You: Why not?

The Monster: Don’t cry.

You: It’s just… Things aren’t really working out. I’m not sure I have anything good to contribute.

The Monster: Hm.

You: You don’t really want to hear this, do you?

The Monster: It’s not that.

You: It’s okay. I get it. Maybe I should just go.

The Monster: No. Stay a while.

You: Really?

The Monster: Sure.

Spend the day with the monster. Watch it do tricks in the water, turn the surface of the ocean into a Vegas fountain. Talk about things that aren’t painful, things that float through the air like flakes of skin. Sit through silences between the two of you. Watch the color of the air change, the calm of the water reach a stillness that freezes your reflection like a photograph. Stare into the water. Ask the monster to show you the bottom of the sea. Feel surprise when it agrees to. Then take its hand and sink. Think of Virgina Woolf with stones in her pockets, of Holly Hunter with a rope tied to her ankle and attached to a piano.

Go to the bottom of the sea.

When you get there ask for some time alone. The Monster will reluctantly agree and fade from you like a memory.

Sit at the bottom of the sea. Do some thinking. Relive a happy memory. Invent the details that are missing to keep it from slipping away. Think of a childhood pet, the first time you tried a doughnut. Stealing gum from a candy store, getting caught. Remember the fourth grade. Missing every Friday recess because you could never find a way to behave. Remember the first time you learned to hide something in your heart and understand that your very first secret has been hiding inside all this time, shaking just under the skin, afraid of his touch, but longing to be held, released. Set free.

Feel your thoughts lift and float to the surface, your pores flooding and the pain inside squeezed out of you like the final remains in a tube of toothpaste.

Finish the fantasy here.

Take your dog home. Feed her dinner. Make something for yourself.

Call your local cable company. Order movie channels and recording options in preparation for the lonely nights ahead. Forgive yourself for this.

Think of writing some of this down but have a cigarette instead. Forgive yourself for this.

Forgive yourself and eat some ice cream. Do some online shopping, watch porn.

Wake up in the morning one day closer to having cable television. Brush your teeth, take a shower. Walk the dog.

Think of the sea.

Finally…

Ride the train into the city. Sit across from a handsome man. Feel ignored. Look for the attention of a different stranger each time the sliding doors close. Give a woman your seat. Say your welcome after she thanks you. Imagine her scolding the boys that don’t love you back.

Feel the safety of all the people you don’t know on this train ride, of having them near you. Let them protect you. Let them love you. Until you reach your destination.

Posted by Pedro Pascal at 2:40 PM

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fandom