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slakaros · 4 years

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1.As a trans person, what is the #1 thing you want cis people to know about you?

The first thing I want people to know about me is that I'm a person, just like everybody else. I'm not always straight up telling people I'm trans, even though I usually don't try to hide it (I do have this privilege since I live in East Frisia in Northern Germany, very close to a small city with a CSD / pride, most people here are rather open). If it comes up, it comes up, if it doesn't, I will probably drop a thing casually at some point in some conversation and have people find out that way. I do however get wearier around men with this topic. This is why I want people to know me as a human being before letting them know about my history. I very rarely disclose that I am non-binary and just masc-leaning though, simply because I don't feel like explaining it to people who shouldn't be concerned about it.

Trans people are not just made up of the fact they're trans. We're regular people with regular lives that do not usually revolve around us being trans. It's different in times when dysphoria hits you, but especially once you get older and you sort of "finish" transitioning (which, mind you, can be any state of transition! Social, body, anything YOU feel comfortable with) it will sort of fade into the background. That doesn't mean it's not an important part of my identity, it simply means that it's not the first thing people should know about me. I'm less of a trans person (for the sake of being a trans person) and more of a person that just so happens to be trans. Sorry for the long explanation, I hope I cleared everything up. If not, shoot another message!

2. I am just learning about trans people and what it means to be trans, and as such I'm unused to using the singular they and other pronouns. How can I make it clear to my trans friends that I'm not trying to be disrespectful if I mess up their pronouns?

My partner happens to use they/them pronouns and I'm not gonna lie, it was incredibly hard for me to get used to that! I did my best by correcting myself immediately whenever I messed up and either consciously using the right pronouns in the next sentence or immediately phrasing three to five sentences in my head using the right pronouns. (Example: "They said they worked a lot today.", "They have curly hair", "They are a great person and I'm glad to be their friend")

I always also used that moment to think about a quality I liked especially about them. Unfortunately, because I have ADHD and am not currently medicated, I sometimes forgot to tell them about said quality, but it might be something that really can strengthen a bond!

Point is, show them that you're making an effort. Try to talk positively about them and use their correct pronouns. Practice a lot, even if it's just in your head, that's gonna make it a lot easier over time. At some point, it won't really happen anymore, at least not in a more frequent way than it does with every other person. I mean, I regularly accidentally refer to my brothers as "she" or "her" and they're cis. It's normal to goof up. The most important thing: Don't beat yourself up too much over it. As long as you show them that you try your best, everything will be okay, I promise.

3. If I think I might be trans (FTM) but don't want to make any permanent decisions (like taking hormones) what can I do to help me make a decision?

Talk about it to people you trust. Depending on how accessible therapy is where you live, I would definitely try to see if there is a specialist for gender identity you could see. Otherwise, find a safe space to explore and just try things out.

I had a bit of misfortune when it came to my medical transition and had to wait for several years to be allowed to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which is a long time considering I come from Germany (you usually only need 12-18 months of therapy, some doctors even prescribe it earlier, though it is not recommended for Testosterone because of how irreversible the changes are).

Try looking at tutorials about contouring and faking stubble, practice a deeper speaking voice and maybe see if you can get a (safe!) binder (gc2b was recommended to me as the best on the market at the moment, I personally always had the tri top binders from Underworks) to wear for a couple of hours a day. Always make sure to practice safe binding! If you feel any sort of bodily discomfort, immediately take off the binder and take a break. Always move your chest up and to the side, not down, that makes it easier to preserve healthy tissue, which in turn will come in handy for top surgery and your general health!

But most importantly: Take your time. Take one step at a time. See if hormone blockers might already help you, if you have too many issues with your period. Don't rush. You have your entire life ahead of you. You probably won't know some things until you finished other things. Up until I had top surgery, I always thought I needed bottom surgery to feel like myself. I woke up in hospital and I knew I didn't need bottom surgery. I actually stopped taking testosterone because I achieved all the changes that I needed to feel happy (deeper voice, slight stubble, my proportions went back to pre-medicated state because my body still produces it's own hormones).

A transition is something deeply personal and you have to find your own way through it. Feel free to drop messages if you need more advice or if this was not enough!

4. I'm not trans but I'm very curious about trans people, only because it's something I don't understand at all and have no experience with. Is it okay to be curious about trans issues and ask about them, just out of curiosity? I want to be an ally of course and I support my trans friends, but is it okay to just be curious?

It is only natural to be curious. It's normal to be curious. You should be curious! You're a human being and you can only truly understand something, if you're curious enough to ask.

You already took the first right step. Seek out ressources like this or ask in forums. Always ask if it's something you may ask about since every trans person handles things differently. Remember that trans people are not obligated to give you an answer and respect their decisions on whether or not they want to tell you things, but I do absolutely encourage curiosity. This is actually why we started up this project, because I am super comfortable talking about my personal trans experience and the things I learned through my trans counselling seminars. Not everyone is as open as I am, so I do want to share my experiences. I would also suggest that with every question you ask, be prepared for a "no" and always add that it's okay if the person doesn't want to answer that question. Make sure to be respectful and everything is gonna be alright. Also, feel free to drop me any questions you might have!

5. I am a trans man that gets really depressed around my period. Do you have any advice on how to cope with that time of the month?

I definitely get where you come from. Be aware that a lot of it can be caused by hormonal imbalances so none of the advice I can give is an absolute guarantee to feel better. I can only share my own experiences.

What's very important to know is that having a period does not make you any less of a man. Having a period is not something that is inherently tied to women.

I personally try to make periods more bearable by making those times my "feel good" time of the month. This means that I will actually make a conscious effort to treat myself well during this time, be more lenient with my work and allow myself pleasures without giving in to my depression. For me that means I'm allowing myself my comfort foods, spend more time with the horses (riding actually helps with periods) and just spend some cuddly times with my partner. Something that I really recommend is getting reusable period products, such as reusable cloth pads (you can get them online, my partner gets ours from Ecoimpakt) and menstrual cups. I personally use a menstrual cup and a light pad and I very often even forget that I'm actually bleeding until my alarm to empty the cup goes off.

Using reusable period products means that you don't have to go to a store to get them. The menstrual cup makes me feel very very clean and I mostly use the pad as a back-up. You practically don't feel the cup at all. Just make sure you get the right size, sizing can be looked up online as well. I got a pretty cheap one from a German store brand, so unfortunately I can't recommend mine to you, but there's a lot of information on good cups out there and you can get them as cheap as 10€.

Talking about what specifically makes you feel depressed can also be a good help. Try to be aware of triggers for negative feelings and actively fight that bully brain. If you need help with that, don't be shy to ask a friend for help if you don't have a therapist on hand. There is also some free online and anonymous counselling for when bully brain gets too strong for you to handle it on your own. Don't feel ashamed to ask for help.

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