#sorry i dont feel like cleaning these up :(

[kelocitta]

What a worthless animal

#oc: siggy #first image is babies attempting to figure out their ideal limb count #anyway having a bit of a 'never trust how you feel about your life at 3am' moment but i think the artfight brain plague is beginning to hit #dont worry about me im fine #just feeling a lil bad about maybe not being able to clean up the revenges i would like too and theres sooo many i didnt even get to sketch #and am only at like 50% of how much i 'scored' last year so it makes me feel a lil eh like im not doing as much #but ultimately i did way way more revenges even if it mightve been a mistake LMAO so at least thats something #although i feel bad cause i didnt even revenge some of the coolest ones i got!!! augh!!!!!!!!!! #ah well beetles dont have to deal with these problems we should be more like them #if you read my tag rants sorry about the lore on how my brain works you should check out the wooly chafer beetle

[f1sh1es]

#pinkie pie #pinkamena diane pie #mlp fim #my little pony #Sorry for the horrid quality on the second one cus its so small...I just cleaned it up but i dont feel like actually finishing it probably

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly #i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep #bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking #and i dont want either of them to get poisoned #but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink #but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me #and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin #im very good at fucking myself over in various ways! #if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently #what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry #except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything #sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible #if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way #from a Distance! #absolutely unprompted #i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders #they scare me So much.... #the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big! #i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there #but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside #so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider. #life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with #no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk #im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[lottiemilfews]

simone kessell as belle james in pine gap (2018) - episode 2 (2/2)

#simone kessell #simonekesselledit #pine gap #WAIT. for the first time in months its letting me post gifs over 5mb? nice #her sad brown eyes......... i'm going to do sth drastic #THE SHEEN OF SWEAT IN THE LAST ONE MAAM I HAVE A TONGUE IF YOU WANT THAT CLEANED UP #also the lip bite. same as lottie primal feelings fake therapy scene so i am normal (lie) #also dont ask me why i'm making pink gifs tonight it was the first colour i landed on and i liked it #the way that i singlehandedly decided its my purpose to gif simones whole (recent) filmography djfhsfs #i say recent bc. the eyebrows. sorry but that was a crime i wont put that on my blog even if its her #my post #*m.gif

[dishsaop]

does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians

#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic #im just like. tired of gnawing #and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get #content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky #young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me #im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing & #digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances #m text #i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story #not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a #lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out #bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples #and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified #(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right) #and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here #(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh) #I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost. #anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein #out as lesbian #like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has #to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic) #meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just #and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so #yknow. personal viewer bias here #but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian #and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out #but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough. #im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes #I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY. #like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'

[angelfoodscake]

was randomly motivated to animate tonight

#BUT HEYYY atleast im animating #i started the first one like a month or so ago and finally picked it up again #bec i tried doing a new one and i had no idea what i wasd oing LOL #i had a better caption in my mind but i forgor #i was gonna clean up the first one a bit more but it looks alright #jerms art #gif #animation #loop #art #what . do i tagthis as #beginner animator #i definitley still need to learn more thou #also i lied . i was motivated because i watched a video about one pieces new opening #and i was like FUCK i wanna be like that #i dont care even if im not feeling the right art vibes tonight #its better to start later than never #im sorry primary school me i failed you #hopefully this motivation and hope lasts more than . a day

[rubiesintherough]

.

#(( ooc. )) #venting tw #negativity tw #gonna try to do some writing today but motivation is real low. #i guess that's what happens when you get called stupid useless and lazy to your face by someone who then expects you #to bow and scrape and wait on them hand and foot #and also now im expected to pay the electric bill on top of doing all the housework. literally all of it. in a home of 3 #fucking adults. and bow im also the one having to handle a lot of maintenance work around the place on top of keeping #it spotless bc no one else 'feels like doing it' #and the whole time i get to be insulted and told that im fat. stupid. lazy. while im cleajing up their messes. and fixing stuff for them. #and doing a bunch of cooking bc they get pissy if i dont also feed them on top of doing literally all the housework. and maintenance work. #and also now being expected to pay half the electric bill. again house of 3 people. and im not even allowed to take a hot shower when i need #to in order to get the pain spikes under control from yknow. flaring up my fibro from overworking myself CLEANING AND TAKING CARE OF THE #DAMN HOUSE FOR THEM #bc it takes too much electricity. the electricity i mostly paid for last month #sorry i needed to get that out #suicide tw #abuse tw #not me debating offing myself bc theres no end in sight and no way out and i cant keep going from one abusive situation to another #and just trying to survive. almost 30 yrs old and ive never once felt safe or at home anywhere ive ever lived. not once. in almost 30 #years have i ever felt safe. or like im my own person. or that im valued. or wanted. or listened to. not once in almost 30 years #have i ever felt like im actually loved (wanted) beyond my usefullness. #shit sucks man. anyway sorry for the spam of negativity lately. im not trying to be a downer. #gonna go hang out in my inbox for a while and see if anything pops out that my muses wanna jump on 🤞

[girlwithfish]

idk why my boss is giving me attitudetoo maybe cuz some parent prob complained abt me cuz i was talkjng to my coworker for a min during pick up bc we were trying to coordinate how we were going to close two classrooms with 30minutes left of the day and we didnt break up this ladys kid and some other kid who were having some petty ass two yr old fight on the playground

#like ok yeah i shld have broken it up but i didnt so what now. no one is hurt they werent actually fighting #they were just having some petty fight where they both wanted to b on the slide and were just screaming bc theyre two it wasnt actually like #physical #idk maybe these bitches shld givenus enough time to properly clean our classrooms and close etc cuz my coworker nd i were just trying to #work out how we were gojng to do that and its always so chaotic like two kids screaming we might not immediately run over to them when we #have like 16 other kids !! idk #anyway apparently she was pissed and complained to a diff coworker and probably the director too and claimed we were on our phones lol #like if i was on mg phone i was just checking the ratios and who was where and work stuff it was just an unlucky moment idk #like i feel like everyone's so focused on when u mess up only its getting old like watch ur own kid then bitch LMAO 😭😭😭idk #sorry im salty rn im just sick of parents rn like... #i feel like im working really hard and theres like no reward ig thats just life LOL but im sick of the toxic work environment tho #the vibes r bad i dont need it anymore. lol

[danidoesathing]

I agonized over which to pick because I just want to ask about all your fics in progress!! I narrowed it down to two and that's just going to have to be ok

the world is staged and the script is set (you cannot change the ending)

Jukeboxes and Maple Syrup

its very funny you pick those two because those like. two of the only three on that list that ISNT lord huron related lmao. those are both hatchetfield fics ive started in secret. regardless those are the main ones im working on right now SO

the world is staged and the script is set (you cannot change the ending) is a fic based on the ending of TGWDLM where like. you know how in the credits where Emma starts begging the audience for help? and like. you know how in TTO how the audience is also referred to by Bliklotep's title? soooo the fic is the ending but i throw him in the mix and ramp the already existing horror of "begging for help and being ignored a cheering crowd" by going "realizing said crowd has been treating your suffering and death as a source of amusement right before you die". only fun times in hatchetfield

"She stumbles to the edge of the stage. The stitches in her leg have come undone and there’s blood seeping through the bandage. That is real. Emma is real, and she needs to help right now."

Jukeboxes and Maple Syrup is a fic that takes place directly after the end of Yellow Jacket that focuses on Daniel and Sophia like. right after the ending. we dont really see them after the Otho fight and we still have no clue is Sophia is even ALIVE and also i miss them dearly. the fic mostly focuses on Daniel trying not to have a panic attack in Miss Retros because one friend is missing after almost dying and the other is in the hospital after also almost maybe dying and he doesn't really know what to do. Not a whole lot of plot it's mostly him trying to deal with that whole. mess. luckily he's got Miss Holloway and Duke to make things a bit easier (responsible adults? in MY hatchetfield? its honestly only these two but its better than nothing)

"He feels so stupid. Sophia is in the hospital and she might never wake up. Hannah is missing and could be kidnapped or dead or worse. And he’s just sitting here in a cozy diner with pancakes and orange juice, and Hannah’s Jacket but not Hannah and not Sophia."

#you're always welcome to ask again if you wanna see the other ones <- please god im desperate for attention #unfortunately. ive been infected by the alien blue shit (hatchetfield brain rot) sorry #slap my ass and call me paul matthews cause i dont even like musicals but. the silly horror comedy with a side of eldritch fuckery got me #and all the silly little characters got me too. hannah paul holloway duke ethan lex richie emma pete daniel sophia my beloveds #idk how but they managed to make an exact copy of me in 2017. hate his weeb ass (deeply agonized yet deeply affectionate) #i have lots of feelings on hatchetfield but i dont post about it much. or like at all lol #im actually almost done with the world is staged. like really close. just need to finish up the beginning and then clean it up #dani speaks #asks #ask #also fucking with the nmt2 timeline by making miss retros still a thing in yellow jacket despite it taking place after killer track #i want daniel and the kids to have some actual good adults in their life. my timeline now. #(god bless ethan is trying so hard but he is. not good at being responsible.) #i wanted to write about Sophia too but she's like. in a coma #if i ever get a burst of inspiration then i might write a second part following her waking up and being ok and getting panacakes with danie #(and dealing with hannah just. having left hatchetfield overnight without a word) #might be fun who knows

[davidtennantpussytulpa]

anybody wanna nominate themselves to kill me with hammers?

#somehow the week of spring break is my most incredibly busy week with work. KRILLS MYSELF!! #im on our colony care rotation. im doing my grant experiment that takes 3hrs a day. my TA prof wants me to grade a shitton of stuff. my PI #was like can you get an updated draft to me by wednesday? ^_^ gonna have to tell him no fucking way tomorrow #bc we are also having a fucking forensics meeting #i wanted to go on another bug catching trip with a friend on wednesday but idk if ill be able to now :( #and i wanted to have a wine and cheese night. no fucking way im gonna feel up to hosting that this week #i was supposed to have an appointment this last wednesday. lady cancelled last minute and said how about monday (tomorrow)? and i thought #that would be fine. but i just had to text and be like hey sorry dont think i can #im probably forgetting something too. who fucking knows. #i wanted to clean my room bc its looking like the fucking labyrinth trash lady zone in there but fuck me i dont have the energy to #oh edit from one minute later. just got an email from my prof abt an assignment he wants us to do over spring break in my horrid fucking R #coding class. yeah im killing myself 😁👍🏻

[star-mum]

local girl wakes up not in a good mood, minor inconveniences and period pains make her absolutely insufferable. More at 7pm

#im so sorry to everyone who has to interact with me today #i think this heat i frying off parts of my brain cause IM NOT LIKE THIS USUALLY I PROMISE #its 34°C here if anyone cares #which feels IMMORAL AND INHUMANE #also lower back pains are a test run of hell (ive always thought so) #i also had to clean up DEBRIS cause the guy doing work in the roof hit the wrong part of the wall #and a piece of it ON THE INSIDE broke off #(the floor still isnt 100% clean I CAN FEEL THE LITTLE BITS OF DUST ON MY FEET !!!!) #anyways please excuse me if I dont say a word to anyone all day today

[the-kipsabian]

.

#death // #really tho just. losing two family members within a week from one another is. really rough #even if it is from natural causes and old age it still feels very sudden #and even if we werent that close it still hurts #little things remind me of the grandparents i dont have anymore. like making dinner and realizing im not eating their cooking again #or my grandmas favorite songs. its just. rough #im just thinking a lot. and not looking forward to two funerals within the next few weeks #just.. yeah. i feel kinda fucked up on the inside. more so than usually but for once not cause of myself #its. odd to me. grief hasnt really been constant in my life in years. apart from losing my brothers cat few years ago #before that i lost my other grandma like eleven years ago. since then immediate family has been okay #its just weird. i dont really know how to grief. it comes in waves and odd memories and it feels really.. idk. off to me #ive had few crying fits over some random things but i just feel. numb. maybe its cause of the sudden frequency of these #or cause i dont know how to deal. its strange to me. feels out of place to mourn something other than what i made myself lost #maybe its cause while there was a connection there was a larger disconnection. i havent seen either of them since covid started #idk. regrets and shit and whatnot. i just feel all but nothing at the same time #just. just saying. idk. just wanna clean my brain a little. its been a difficult day. sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

[locrianking]

nothing pisses me off more than how figure skating reporters/news will constantly and intentionally leave out important details of stories in order to produce ragebait for people who don’t know anything about figure skating

#like i’m sorry but surya bonaly is NOT the hill you want to die on. #they banned backflips BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN COMPETING because guess what! #USFSA/ISU doesn’t want to deal with skaters breaking their fucking necks and dying on live tv! #or make young skaters feel like they Have To Learn how to do it and then fucking dying because of how INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS it is. #dont get me wrong figure skating is conservative and racist as fuck and surya bonaly faced some pretty horrific racism in her career #but banning the backflip had absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do about not having skaters fucking die #also i’m not sorry but her edgework fucking sucked. like her jumps were incredible i can’t lie but her edges were. painful to watch at best #see also: everything regarding the sambo 70 and eteri #i am so sick and fucking tired of seeing people who don’t skate just hype up these incredible abused teenagers and hail them like gods #they don’t need fame they need HELP and eteri needs to be in fucking JAIL for what she’s done to SO MANY KIDS #i hope this sport gets more boring!! i hope i see less quads and less teenagers!! #what i want to see is competitive skaters who are still able to skate when they’re 25+ because their training was healthy and genuine #i want to see good technique and clean lutz edges and no full blade assistance on toe jumps bc thats what will save your joints #i want to see skaters with muscle and fat who have healthy relationships w/ food and their bodies and are stronger for it #this sport is so fucked. it’s a joke. i love skating but i wish i never had to interact with the community around it #ESPECIALLY those who have never gone through the sport themselves. stop getting off on abused children and start advocating for SAFETY #rosie speaks

[milo-is-rambling]

Omg yesterday at my moms therapy I said how well I had been doing and feeling like I can actually handle life and my mom was immediately like “that’s because you’ve been taking your meds regularly again” and like completely brushed off any progress I had actually made and I had to be like yeah totally that’s it that’s why exactly when I haven’t taken my meds for a week straight in idk how long

#I was like yup totally that sure is why I’ve been feeling good totally #not at all that I’ve been spending time to do things I like and journal and process my feelings in healthy ways or that I am consciously #making strides towards regular person sanity #and she fucking brought up adhd meds again like FUCK OFFFFFFF HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY I DONT WANT TO TAKE THEM BEFORE IT CLICKS #I. DONT. WANT. TO. TAKE. THEM. they are a tool in MY mental health toolbox bitch back off my toolbox I know you fucking live adhd meds and #won’t shut up about them but I am happy now and I don’t like my brain on adhd meds and the only reason you want me on them is because you #like me more when I’m doing stereotypically productive tasks so you’d rather have me cleaning the house and not doing the shit I love than #you would have me not taking my meds and making art and writing poetry #like god #she just doesn’t fucking get it #I cannot create when I take adhd meds. that part of my brain just like dissolves. #the way I work is that constantly I have a million projects on the back burner in my mind and when I get inspired I make one #when I take my adhd meds I can’t just pick up a fun project I don’t get those ideas I can’t write poetry I can’t make art it’s like it sever #severs the line between my creative mind and my regular mind and I have nothing in my life that I need to be THAT focused on right now #but I have my perscruption still! like if I ever need it it’s there but that’s not your fucking decision that’s mine and you need to back #off my brain because it is a delicate fucking ecosystem up there in my head and I’m not going to fuck with anything until I have to #god. sorry. went on a bit of a rant. I am just so sick of arguing over my mom wanting to control the way I medicate myself. I am an adult #and she is not inside my brain so she needs to listen when I tell her how things affect me #she takes adhd meds like twice every day and hates the feeling of not being on them but I just don’t like them and she won’t fucking drop it #okay I am getting mad about adhd meds and my mother right before I have to be in the car with her all morning i need to relax #we’re going to psychic we’re gonna have fun #we’re not going to argue about this again.

[lux-scriptum]

I was gonna go thrifting after my emergency therapy appointment but its so late in the day I’m not sure if i wanna anymore. But idk what else to do.

#i could clean #i should clean #but I’m tired #and honestly really sad #writing feels ick rn #and reading new works feels like too much work #might end up watching supernatural and maybe sitting on the floor to pick up the trash? #I dunno #I’m sorry I’m venting I’ll tag my shit so yall can block it if u dont wanna see it #venting #grief