#sorry i just think a lot about how he was described as ruthless and cold and yet he wants to learn how to b gentle ANYWAY i love him

[crabonfire]

Mercs when your sick :(

warnings: none!!

characters: all mercenaries

note: sorry if these sicknesses r badly described,,usually whenever I get sick my Asian household gives me a cup of tea to drink and oil to rub on my stomach to feel better...and it works? so I'm not very into how Americans or other people do it 😭😭

♡Scout♡

• usually, you and him would have breakfast together so you'd have time with each other before matches start. So when he waits for you to wake up and notices your still in your room, he gets a bit worried.

• he'll knock on your door waiting for an answer. When he doesn't get one, he'll force himself in. did you die??? are u good

• then when he notices your stuffy nose and irritated expression, he goes full on panic mode.

• he's never had to care for sick people before...uhh...

• "Shit, you don't look too good Y/N...uhhh fuck-"

• asks you what's wrong, lists every little thing you say and runs off to medic.

• "Ah, a common fever, a cold, nausea...alright. Just make zhem drink zhis before zhey eat anything. If zhey start to experience headaches too, give zhem zhese."

"Thanks doc, I mean it."

• he runs back to you and starts explaining, "UH so uh...the doctor said-"

• insert really poorly explained explanation

• after he's done that, he will stay by your side all the damn time until you feel better.

• "You uh...ya feelin' any better toots? ya need anything? Water? No? Okay, just checkin'."

• after he realises your okay, just a bit under the weather, he pretends like he wasn't worried as hell. But it's pretty obvious, I mean the man is clinging on to you and cuddling you in bed. The way he's holding you feels like if he let's go his whole entire world will collapse, man is he clingy.

• after a few, if your still sick he'll beg you to get better. Why? he can't kiss you. if he kisses you, he'll get sick too. He said "What? I can't kiss you??? Why not...I don't mind being sick with you." But also "...wait but if I'm sick then who's gonna take care of you?? Goddammit!"

• he will pepper your face with kisses all over your body, just not receiving any back. Will try to make soup for you and does a surprisingly decent job. Will MURDER anybody who even thinks of bothering you.

• "Get well soon okay? I miss not being able to make out with you. Its weird...but also I just don't like seein' ya sick. so get well soon okay? and-ask me for anything. Let big strong scout take care of you, got it?"

scout make out with me challenge

♡Soldier♡

• he's the first to wake up at 5 in the freakin morning and wakes everybody else up by yelling into their doors. he always goes last with you though, letting you get that 5 minutes of extra sleep.

• when he does get to your door, he knocks slightly less aggressive than with the others. "WAKE UP CADET! WE HAVE A FULL DAY AHEAD OF US. ITS TIME TO WAKE UP!"

• you groan loudly and wake up, stepping to the door. He's quite confused to be greeted by you, yet you have a stuffy red nose and you look like you slept in a dump. Oh boy, what happened?

• "CADET, YOU LOOK DREADFUL! WHAT HAPPENED? DID YOU GET ATTACKED LAST NIGHT?! TELL ME WHICH PERPETRATOR DID THIS TO YOU. I WILL HUNT THEM DOWN AND MAKE SURE THEY GO THROUGH THE ROUGHEST AND RUTHLESS TORTURE ANY MAN HAS TO EVER ENDURE."

"Solly, I think I'm sick- sneeze oh there it is sniff."

"SICK?! NOOOOOOOOO-"

• he's super dramatic about it, even more than you thought.

• carries you bridal style and runs off to Medic's medbay before Medic is even in there. He places you onto the patient bed and runs off to get Medic.

• "Soldier, did jou really have to barge into my room? I was very busy in zhe bathroom!"

"YES! IT WAS MANDATORY. NOW CURE THEM!"

"I'm afraid that's not how it works, but I will do my best."

• will not let you leave your room, he stands guard infront of your door to make sure nobody even dares to step foot near it.

• he checks in on you a lot, asks Engineer to make you some soup.

• "ARE YOU ALRIGHT NOW CADET? DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE? NO? OKAY."

• once he's sure nobody is going to bother you, he's holding you tightly and making sure you feel comfortable. it's surprisingly quiet but he doesn't want to irritate your head, from time to time he will ask how your feeling and if he needs to get more soup or medication.

• he will be very wary of you now, after you get better he will inspect what you eat and how you feel so that you don't get sick anymore.

• "WE NEED TO CHECK FOR THE GERMS IN THAT. WHAT IF IT HAS RABIES!?!? NO, I WILL EAT THAT FIRST TO CHECK."

•assure him your okay please, he will not stop this for weeks.

solly?!?!??! faints

♡Pyro♡

• you and him cannot be separated. even in matches, so when you come back looking sick he's very very worried.

• "hhudda hhuuddhaa mmddhh??" (Are you okay??)

" sniff I'm feeling a bit sick, now that you mention it."

"HHUDYDA?!?!??!" (SICK?!?!?!!)

• doesn't know what to do but first thing he does is lock you in your room, then running off to engie for help.

• " SNIFHG HENGHEE!! HHUDA HHDYYDA HUHDA HHAHD MMFHA HUDDHA HHUDA HHFHUDA HHUDA HMMH :(" ( sniff ENGIE!! Y/N IS SICK AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO :( )

"Woah easy there buddy! Calm down-calm down. Hmm..oh! We could make some soup for them? Soup helps with sickness usually. Would you like if I made them some soup?"

" HHHUDA!! :D" (YEA!! :D)

"Great, I'll start workin' on it. You go ask Medic for some medicine."

• as soon as engie says that he will RUN GALLOP FUCKING FLY OVER TO THE MEDBAY.

"Ah, hello pyro-AH-"

Pyro has both his hands on medic's shoulders, shaking him aggressively.

"HUDDHA MMFHA HUDDAHHA MHHEHUDA HHUDA MHHEEDS HHHEM!" (GIVE ME SOME MEDICINE Y/N NEEDS THEM!)

"PYRO VHAT ZHE FUCK I CANT UNDERSTAND YOU-"

• Engie overhears this and stops his cooking to give Pyro a lecture on why you should not yell and grasp your hands while you shake them aggressively, begging them for medicine. He understands and apologises, as Medic huffs and gives him the medication you need.

• when he finally unlocks the room he has a bowl of nice warm cream soup for you. He sets it aside on the table by your bed as he runs back out to get your assorted medication.

• he will spend the entire day with you, drawing cute pictures of you together and writing get well soon notes non stop.

• if your not well by tomorrow or stay sick for longer, he will leave you sweet messages while he's out on the battle field.

"Get well soon sunshine :) -pyro"

"I miss you!!! -yours truly"

"I just set 3 people on fire and all I could think about was you, love you. -pyro"

also ppl infantilize him a lot when I think he'd be a very corny partner, pyro my beloved.

♡Demoman♡

• You usually come by to check up on him every night to see if he's drinking too much or getting into trouble. Sometimes he'd get super drunk on purpose just for you to take care of him.

• but your not there, in fact now that he thinks about it he hasn't seen you all day. hmm...u good?

• he goes over to your room, half sober and notices your slumped body on the table. Your asleep? But you seem annoyed. He notices how red your face is, and presses the back of his palm gently on your forehead. My god, your burning up!

• he's been taking care of his mother for a long time, so of course he knows how to take care of an ill person.

• he'll gently carry you and place you onto your bed, then get a cold wash cloth. if you wake up in the process, he will greet you softly. this man may be half drunk right now, but he knows when he needs to sober up!

"Hiya lassie, ye slept on the bloody desk and I can tell yer burnin up! Stay in bed for a bit for me, ok?"

• he will give you a kiss on your forehead, before heading off to your bathroom and preparing you a lukewarm bath. while you both wait for the water to fill the tub, he sits on the side of the bed, placing the cool wash cloth on your forehead.

• "Heh, how could ye get sick like this? Ye must've not been takin' care of yerself eh? No worries, I'm here."

• he makes sure your super comfortable, even refusing for you to walk as he carries you into the bath. letting you undress, he waits by the tub to make sure everything feels right.

the waters not too cold right? it shouldn't be, it should be lukewarm. do you want a sponge bath instead? No? okay. that's fine.

• once you get out of the bath, he gives you everything you need. Getting you light clothing, even making you a cool drink to rid of your fever. He won't stay in bed with you, because he doesn't want to crowd your sickness. But once he knows your asleep, he will smile and leave you alone.

• if your still sick by tomorrow? he will try extra hard to make sure your feeling better, anything you want he will get. After you do feel better, he will take you out to a fancy dinner. ( some ppl keep forgetting tav is rich and I find that so funny tbh) and treat you the entire day, giving you a free day as a treat for you.

man I love tav sm

♡Heavy♡

• you two were having lunch together after a long match, you were absolutely killing it on the battlefield! though you made the mistake of not showering right after the match, making your body become drenched in sweat.

• "Ah...ACHOO!"

"...Y/N...are you ill?"

"Nah...probably just got something caught in my -ACHOO!"

• oh no!! you got a cold :(

• he gets a bit worried, but he has taken care of his entire family once when they were sick, so this is no problem.

• does not let you out of your room.

• makes you tea with some honey, and prepares you some delicious chicken noodle soup!! the best soup for colds :)

• will stay in your room with you for the day, asking you every couple of minutes if your okay. though he knows rest is important when in a cold, so he usually just stays quiet reading in your desk while he makes sure you don't wake up in the middle of the night or anything similar to that.

• honestly like...like super duper strict yet he's so sweet. if cold gets worse, he will get some medicine from Medic. Some to soothe a sore throat, some to clear a stuffy nose, all that jazz.

• "lisichka, are you feeling better? if not, Heavy is always here to help. please do not be shy to ask."

• makes sure nobody bothers you, if anybody comes to knock on your door at night all he will do is glare at them and shush them. "No, They are sick. If you do not stop bothering them I will rip your tiny head from tiny body. understand?"

• not much to say other than the fact he's not leaving your side for the day. he makes sure your 100% back in tip top shape before he even THINKS of leaving you alone while your sick.

• if you don't get better for a while, he will be extra diligent...and worried. He knows he's overreacting, he's usually someone who never does that, but what if you get sicker? a rougher disease? he wouldn't know what to do.

• though when Medic assures him its just a cold that's lasting longer than usual, he's more content with himself and tries not to worry.

• before you sleep, he will always give you goodnight forehead kisses. I can see he isn't a very romantic type of person, so moments like these is when he feels truly vulnerable with you. He blushes every time, this adorable man.

• "goodnight moya lyubov, get well soon."

I'm gonna kiss heavy💯💯💯 REAL!!!

♡Engineer ♡

• you two were relaxing in your room, he was talking about his latest invention and you were happily listening.

• but then you felt a weird feeling in your stomach, like you wanted to throw up. And...you did. You gagged and ran straight for your bathroom, throwing up in the toilet seat.

• he was quite shocked, and came after you. As you threw up, he kneeled next to you and rubbed circles on your back. "Hey hey, that's it let it all out..."

• when you finish, he's super duper worried. "Sugar-cube...are you alright? You seem a bit sick...did you eat anythin' funny?"

"Now that you mention it...Scout did give me a weird tasting can of bonk earlier."

"That scout...tell me, what do you feel?"

• he will write in his head about the things your feeling, and go straight to the doctor.

so a cold, sore throat, and slight nausea? cool cool, he's got it covered.

• "Sit tight honey, I'm gonna get some medicine for ya."

• is pretty calm honestly. he doesn't get sick a lot but when he does, he usually takes care of it so he can go straight back to work. So he's not worried or anything. he's a smart guy, of course he'd know it's best to take care of yourself.

• rest is crucial to cure a cold, so he will insist on leaving you to your room. he will check up on you every couple of hours, if your awake he'll ask if you need anything and if your feeling better.

• if you get worse, he will stay with you the entire time. leaving his work unattended just for a bit.

• very caring. each sneeze you let out or the way your tired eyes struggle to stay open makes his eart ache just a little.

"You don't need to force yourself to be awake, darlin'. I don't mind watchin' over you."

or something corny as fuck like "Even when you got that puffy red nose and those weary eyes, ya still look adorable."

• not much to say other than that honestly, just a sweet, caring and calm lover when your sick.

engie my beloved

♡Medic♡

• he knows your sick without you even telling him

• will randomly tell you to get onto the patient bed.

"Medic...what are you doing?"

"Checkup! Jou are sick mein schatz, I just need to know exactly vhat sickness it is. places gloves on now, relax. "

• checks on your eyes, mouth, all thay jazz. Once he does he asks you some normal questions.

like "How have jou been feeling lately? Any dizzyness while working?"

• after a small checkup, he writes it all on his board and gets some medication from his drawer.

"Alright, jour body temperature is unusual and from jour sore throat and lack of sleep jou may be getting a fever tomorrow or tonight. Once jou do, I want jou to take zhese. Take zhem after jou eat, three times a day, and zhis before you sleep tonight. If it does not cure by the next two days, I will give jou more to help with it. Understand?"

"Yea..thank you medic."

"Of course, take care of jourself more...and get more sleep for God's sake mein liebe."

• are you surprised he guessed your fever before it even occurs? Yeah. are you complaining? oh fuck no.

• it's amazing how he could guess, because as he said, by tomorrow morning you had been feeling terrible. As you placed your hand on your forehead, the heat it radiated was absolutely irritating.

• when you got out of the room to get yourself some food, to your surprise medic was in the kitchen...making food?

• "Ah mein schatz jour awake, guten morgen!"

"Morning medic, what'cha makin'?"

"Breakfast of course! I am making chicken noodle soup! With the help of heavy, I cannot cook haha."

outta nowhere, Heavy just appears 😭😭

"Hello."

"holyshit-hi heavy!"

Medic begins to explain your diet for the day, what to eat what to avoid, what to do and what to not do, etc.

As he does, Heavy is cutting up fruits for you. Medic says fruit is good for fevers.

Once the soup is done, Medic sits you down and let's you eat. "How is it?"

"Mmm...this is soooo good babe. You and heavy did a great job, thank you!"

"Thank you Y/N. "

"I'm glad jou like it, remember your diet, okay?"

"Yeah yeah, just leave me to eat this soup already."

With a hearty laugh, he gives you a kiss on your temple as him and heavy both go their separate ways.

• he won't really spend a lot of time with you, he doesn't want to distract you so for the entire day he let's you rest up in your room as he continues his work.

• not a very passionate man when your sick, but he really just wants you to get better, don't take it to heart.

medic cannot cook LMFAOOOOO

♡Sniper♡

• you went into his camper van already feeling a bit nauseous, but you decided to ignore it because you wanted to spend time with him.

• as he was ranting about how scout stole his kill, you very quickly felt the pressure build up and ran to the door, throwing up on the ground.

• he was very much surprised, it took him a second but he got up to check what happened.

• "Oh...uh...are you okay?"

"...mundy I just threw up-no, no I'm not."

"Sorry... uh...."

• HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF A SICK PERSON. IS PANICKING. AS YOU CONTINUE TO FUCKING AGGRESJVELY THROW UP HE IS SHAKING SHIVERING HIS TIMBERS HES SO CONFUSED.

He's gotten sick but his parents are the ones who take care of him...HE DOESNT MMOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE!!! HES A SNIPER HE TAKES CARE OF PEOPLE BY SHOOTING THEM.

•"UH...WAIT HERE."

• runs off to medic, who is very concerned to find a distressed sniper.

"Doc...uh...Y/N...is uh...throwing up a lot. uh..."

insert awkward pause

"...JUST FOLLOW ME."

• takes him to you as you sit by the camper with the most sad face anybody has ever seen.

• "Are jou alright? What are jou feeling?"

You tell him what you feel, bla bla all that jazz. Medic nods as you do and prescribes you with nausea, and a cough. pretty basic stuff.

yet...sniper is so worried. again, it's common illness! But...he's never taken care of anybody. Even as an adult without his parents usually he'll just let the sickness pass without a thought in his head.

He's a bit ashamed to say the least. Ashamed he can't take care of a common illness his lover is going through.

• will stay with you all day and make sure you have everything you need. if you feel like throwing up again he'll get you some ginger tea to help soothe it.

• will go to medic personally while your chilling and ask for tips, and medic ends up rambling about illnesses to sniper. sniper is intrigued but weirdly interested??

"And for colds, jou want to make sure zhey are warm. BUT NOT TOO WARM! rambles on"

"Ah..." He says as he nods along.

• sniper tells medic he feels a bit ashamed not being able to take care of a simple illness, Medic comforts him and tells him it's fine and reassures him that it's nothing to be ashamed of. (this is a weird friendship ik but it's cute hehe)

• he does everything medic tells him, and does a really good job! Thanks to them, your all well now.

• mundy doesn't need to be worried because now he knows how to cure the ill!! Yayyyyy

he doesn't know how to take care of a sick person LMFAOOO LOSER (make out with me mundy)

♡Spy♡

• you hadn't left your room all day, heck he didn't even know if you were awake or not.

• feeling a bit worried, he knocked on your door.

knock knock

he waits for a bit, then the door shuffles to open revealing you. but, you look different.

the red puffy nose? those tired eyes? and the way you so loosely stood? oh your sick, doesn't take an idiot to figure that out.

"Y/N, are you sick?"

"...yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's a small flu, it'll pass Spy."

"Hm, no."

"..huh?"

• will ask if he can come in and as he does, you both sit down on the edge of your bed as he asks you tons of questions.

"Have you drunk any medication?"

"Yeah, once I woke up I felt pretty sick so I went to medics and he said it was best for me to rest."

"Good, have you eaten yet?"

"No, not yet."

"..I see."

silence falls between you two until he stands up and walks out of the room without a word.

"Spy? Uh...Spy where are you going?"

"Save your voice cherie, I'm going to make you a meal. Do not leave the room."

"Oh! Uh...okay."

• then he goes, leaving you in the room. it's a bit endearing how quickly he is to make you some food just by hearing the fact you need to eat.

• meanwhile, spy is in the kitchen making the most tasty chicken soup any man has ever laid their eyes on. oh my god just describing it is making my mouf water rn...yum

• scout and demoman walk into the kitchen, scout starts to bother him and demoman is trying to get a taste of the soup.

"Didn't know you could cook, Spy. You could've been making us food all this time but you really put Engie ta do all da work? wowwww, what a friend you are." rambles on

spy is too focused on his soup to care at the moment, chopping up vegetables to put in it

demo is drooling rn trying his best not to just take a big spoonful sip of it

In the end, spy just goes off with the soup and whatever is left he stores safely and threatens anyone that eats it a butterfly knife to the back of their heads. (He's saving it for you incase you want seconds.)

Now he's back in your room, a tray in his hands with soup and a fucking tea kettle with a cup.

He places it on your bedside table, as he hands you the soup. When you take it, he starts to gently pour some herbal tea into the cup for you.

When you take a sip of this soup, all your five senses activate and its like going through a delicious savory heaven of flavor. He's such a good cook, whyd he hide that talent?

The tea stays on the tray, as he leans by the door to watch you eat, smirking as your expression turns from tired into a happy one. He's quite proud of himself.

"Spy...this is so fucking good. What the hell...cook for me more? Oh my god...im drooling."

He chuckles, his voice low. "If you ask nicely then maybe I'll oblige, mon couer."

You almost splurt out your soup, he manages to make your cheeks heat up even when your sick. What kind of man says that sort of thing? Spy, spy is.

• will listen to you blabber and compliment his soup expertise, when you ask for seconds, he gets very giddy on the inside.

• for the entire time you get sick, he comes to you when you need a meal or when you need anything. You need tons of rest when you have a flu, he knows that. So, as much as he wants to hold you and cradle you in his arms, he has to leave you be.

• He doesn't want to get infected, if so, who will take care of you?

• though after, he will envelop you in kisses. Saying how much he missed your lips on his. Buys you a gift for being so well when your sick. Honestly, this guy is crazy with gifts.

spy 💘

THE END LMFAOO

sorry if some were longer than others!! I probably just didn't know what to add. Anyways, SORRY AGAIN for not posting much. Shit has been TOUGH man. But, I'm gonna write a ton for the next couple of weeks so leave your TF2 requests in my inbox!! I'm always up for ideas :)

#tf2 #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 heavy #tf2 engineer #tf2 medic #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #tf2 x reader #tf2 headcanons #tf2 scout x reader #tf2 pyro x reader #tf2 soldier x reader #tf2 demo x reader #tf2 heavy x reader #tf2 engineer x reader #tf2 medic x reader #tf2 sniper x reader #tf2 spy x reader #love men sm #kiss me engineer #i love men

[heraldofcrow]

Annalise 👑 🩸

Please 👁️👁️

Send Me a Character

And I will tell you my:

First impression

Impression now

Favorite moment

Idea for a story

Unpopular opinion

Favorite relationship

Favorite headcanon

—

Thank you, you know I’ll take any chance to talk about my girl!!

Ok, so I really love Queen Yharnam because she is just so cool and she gets me and she looks like my deceased grandmother and I love vampire queens and the vibes are immaculate, plus I stan women in white dresses automatically because it’s a trope in Gothic literature and my favorite color is red and—

SHIT WRONG CHARACTER!!!

Ok, sorry. You-know-who is gonna kill me for this but ANYWAY!!

—

My first impression of Annalise was…intimidated? She seemed so cold and arrogant, like she really had no actual care for us as the main character and just maybe wanted to use us for our skill. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her because she looked and sounded badass, but I wasn’t exactly in love with her full character yet. I mostly just enjoyed her aesthetic.

My impression now is SO different. I think after really learning the lore, seeing the cut content version of Annalise, looking at her concept art, hearing all of her dialogue, I see a very different character. A very cynical and ruthless lady with a lot of tragedy in her life that forced her to put up an icy front, but you can even see her kinder side when she says we are dear to her and that she considers us her kin, someone that she wants to share the chamber with. You could read that as manipulation, as though she were just flattering us so that we serve her, but something tells me that’s how the Church would describe it, and we all know how they think about her already.

My favorite moment with Annalise is when she says “moon-scented hunter” in the way she does because I don’t know why, it just sounds so elegant, but also when she rejects our proposal because she doesn’t want us to get hurt…awww. (But okay, imagine if we rejected guys like that in real life like, “I’m sorry I can’t date you, because I can’t risk your life,” LOL. It would be so ambiguous and scary to hear jsks).

An idea for a story…oh dear. I think I traumatized you enough already with that ONE headcanon story, so I’ll talk about a nicer one. I think it would be cool to show a snippet of Annalise’s youth and her friendship with Maria, which I headcanon was pretty strong, but I would also love to cover what happened when Maria left Cainhurst and how Annalise reacted to that. There could be some good drama!

Unpopular opinion…hmmm. I don’t vibe with the interpretation I’ve occasionally seen about Annalise being some kind of vampire seductress actually, and I don’t think her knights were just simps because of that. I see her as having been very strict with them and distant, but also benevolent enough to reward them for their work. I don’t think she messed around with them or their feelings. She promised them blood for their health and long life, but any thoughts of marriage and intimacy were forbidden. She just wasn’t the sensual siren the Church thought she was, but I sadly feel like parts of the fandom share that same view. *cough* reddit *cough*

Oh boy, well my favorite relationship headcanon anyway is….well…you know. LOOK YES I SHIP THEM, but hear me out, there is something very angsty imagining Bloody Crow and Annalise to be the last remnants of Cainhurst, and Crow being the last knight…but also Annalise’s hidden partner. I know I said earlier that Annalise didn’t mess with her knights, but that’s why Crow is different because I see him as independent, and with his own unique identity. That is, there was no other “Cainhurst Crow.” He chose to be a knight for Annalise much later in his life and carried out her wishes because he wanted to, not because he was already in her service. Yes, I see them as my traumatized blorbos surviving against all odds together and doing their best to preserve the Vileblood line. It’s meant to be really tragic and heart-wrenching instead of just “shippy.” I love them and their stupid helmets ;-;

I think my overall favorite headcanon for Annalise was that she actually did live even after the Alfred thing because the Hunter canonically revived her, and eventually she did have her Child of Blood. I just think that after she full-filled that wish, and was free, despite having lost everything else, she raised her child and saved her family line, living out her days with her little one and very quietly rebuilding her kingdom. I just don’t see why this couldn’t happen. Yes, it’s a bit happy for Bloodborne, but I mean, we also ascend and seemingly are meant to lift humanity into its next childhood, so maybe in that new world, Annalise’s bloodline endured. She is immortal after all, so what else would she do? I think she was one of the few that made it and good for her. <3

—

Ok, that’s everything! Thanks again for asking about my blorbo, Queen Yharnam 🥺🖤

#ik i’m evil #no regrets #lol #asks #mutuals #ask game #bloodborne #queen annalise

[scorpionatori]

My Top 5 Anime Characters

(sorry, pochita isn’t on the list he’s just my mascot)

5. Denji - Chainsaw Man

Denji often gets written off as a horny pervert teenage boy character, but to me he is the best character in Chainsaw Man and one of the best shounen protagonists out there. I actually appreciate how Denji’s sexuality was handled in the series as it’s a very important aspect of his character and the story. Denji is a child who was almost completely deprived of every basic need. He barely even had enough to get by without starving to death. He was abused by pretty much every man he knew, and he is inherently distrustful of them. On the other hand, Denji is desperate for a nurturing motherly figure and this leads to him latching onto almost every woman he meets, Makima in particular. This leads to him being taken advantage of and even groomed. While other protagonists are driven by some noble goal, Denji is someone who is completely driven by very basic human needs and desires - food, shelter, and sex. He’s happy as long as he has his needs and desires met. I think this makes him a very interesting and compelling protagonist, and it’s interesting that the story revolves around a boy who’s been used and abused his whole life ultimately breaking free and trying to learn how to live his own life. He is not your typical noble savior protagonist, and I love that he’s driven by such raw and human needs and desires.

4. Asuka Langley - Neon Genesis Evangelion

I love the tragedy of Asuka’s character, and it frustrates me that so many people just reduce her to a bratty child. She’s a young girl whose entire view on life is that she has to be the best at what she does. She displays very narcissistic qualities: desperately needing praise and approval constantly, drawing attention to herself whenever she can, and having a fragile self esteem that fluctuates between very high and very low. Her identity is so tied into being the best pilot that she’s very threatened by her two peers, and when she starts struggling and failing it completely ruins her. It’s heartbreaking to watch her big spiral into despair and self hatred, and to me her deep-seated fear of failure and not being good enough at her chosen skill hit very close to home.

3. Shigeo Kageyama - Mob Psycho 100

Mob is a beautifully written character. Of all the characters out there who have emotional repression issues tied into suppressing their special abilities, he is definitely my favorite. Mob is traumatized because of his abilities. He lost control and his little brother got hurt. He became so focused on not relying on his powers that he even deeply suppressed his own emotions (as his emotions tie into his powers and how strong they are). Mob became incredibly socially awkward and detached, to the point Dimple even describes him as livestock. The most beautiful part of the story to me is how he learns to accept the part of himself that he tried to deny because he was scared. He split off from the part of himself he found frightening and tried to hide it away. The ending arc where this other side of him gets out of control is terrifying and heartbreaking, and yet he’s finally able to truly accept and embrace all of himself by the end.

2. Osamu Dazai - Bungo Stray Dogs

Dazai quickly earned the right to be my favorite character I’d truly consider “morally gray”. Despite providing comic relief with his behavior and personality and antics, he reveals himself throughout the series to be actually quite terrifying. As a former mafia executive, Dazai was ruthless, cold, detached, and manipulative. He committed many crimes for the Port Mafia and was even violently abusive to his former apprentice. Something that interests me about him is that he didn’t really change too much after leaving the mafia and joining the agency. He’s still kept a lot of the same views and he didn’t have some big redemption arc by leaving the bad organization. Unlike a lot of characters who have a dark past but become heroes, Dazai seems to have no remorse for the bad things he did. But his dying friend told him it’s more beautiful to live a life where you save and help people, and this caused him to change the kind of life he wanted to lead. He was attracted to the violence of the mafia, hoping to find some meaning in existence by being around raw human desires and behaviors, but even in this he found no purpose in living. So, after his friend’s words, he made the choice to go down a better path, because if both paths give no inherent meaning to life, you may as well choose the one that doesn’t hurt people. He’s still manipulative and has a very nihilistic worldviews, but he ultimately chose to be on the side that exists to save people. To me, he’s an interesting study of how a change of a person’s environment can influence external behavior, even if it doesn’t completely change who a person is deep down inside. He’s still the same person he was, but he no longer lives a life spent hurting other people. He’s a very complex and human character who can neither be labeled good nor bad.

1. Natori Shuuichi - Natsume’s Book of Friends

Although some people found him unlikeable (can’t relate), it didn’t take long for Natori to become my favorite character in Natsume’s Book of Friends, and just my favorite anime character in general. Despite having some moral gray areas, he’s overall a good and caring person who is very dedicated and protective of others. He’s often been criticized for his tendency to lie and deceive others and have some manipulative moments, but this is part of what makes him interesting to me. In my opinion, he undergoes the most change and growth throughout the series, going from a manipulative and deceptive person who desired more power and status in his community to someone who wants nothing more than to protect the people he cares about. He is very well written, his backstory episode easily being one of the best episodes in the entire series. I love the comic relief he provides while at the same time being very complex and deep. As much as it pains me that a lot of people disliked him so much, I think the fact people couldn’t decide on what kind of person he was proves his complex and intriguing writing. He’s very much a product of his abusive and neglectful environment and being ostracized from others, but he develops a safe and healthy friendship with someone who truly cares about him, and it causes him to undergo a lot of personal growth. I would personally love an entire series just about his life from being a teenager to being a young adult in the exorcist community and the changes he underwent. He’s truly a character deserving of his own series.

#natsume yuujinchou #bsd #mp100 #nge #chainsaw man #natori shuuichi #bsd dazai #shigeo kageyama #asuka langley #denji

[gch1995]

Jedi apologists are such hypocrites. Yes Anakin killed men, women, and children- after they kidnapped and murdered his mother. He felt awful about it and broke down. But say he didn't kill the kids, just left them in the desert with the corpses of their parents. To live or die on their own. And one Tusken teen came for revenge. Only got caught. Sent to prison. And Anakin told the kid oh you will have to forgive. Pretty cold- oh sorry I am describing Mace Windu. Or he could have burn them alive and made jokes. Oh- that Master Mundi. Or just cut off all their limbs to die in the suns. Oh- that is Obi Wan

Yeah, Anakin being willing to murder children was horrendous, regardless of the abuse,emotional/mental health issues, and shitty circumstances of compromised agency under the corrupt, exploitative, hypocritical, and legally messed up galactic superpower governments in the old Republic/Jedi Order and Empire.

However, while Anakin’s crimes were inexcusably atrocious, I also think it’s easy for a lot of fans to overlook just how similarly awful the instances of systematic abuse, betrayal, crime, manipulation, and oppression that Obi-Wan, Yoda, Mace Windu, the Jedi Council, many of the other Jedi adults, and the Republic government of his time were willing to enable and/or commit against anyone who either benefitted them or got in the way of whatever they considered the “greater good” of their cause, too.

We just happen to see Anakin committing more of those instances of abuse and crime because the narrative of the prequels is primarily from his point of view, not theirs. Obi-Wan, Yoda, Qui-Gonn, Mace Windu, and many of the other members of the old Jedi Order and Republic didn’t really ever get much chance to develop a personal sense of morality and self-awareness in regards to the horror of these atrocities and manipulations they got taught to commit for the Jedi Order or self-protection out of what was truly just excessive anger, distrust, and fear to take a risk to do any better when the odds were against them.

Yeah, they did because every creature is born with free will and independence that can never be entirely suppressed and erased, but it was a lot easier for them to ignore those voices of common sense, individuality, love for close family and friends over a purported “greater good,” and self-awareness pricking the back of their minds than it was for Anakin and especially Luke because they never got any sort of chance to really develop a realistic outlook on the galaxy or themselves living in an environment full of authority figures who taught them that any form of critical thinking, independence, or expression was “wrong” from the ages of infancy-three.

In short, I think that a lot of characters from the prequel era Jedi, particularly Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace-Windu, and Yoda, actually developed more of an angry, cowardly, terrified, selfish, ruthless, and vindictive side than they were willing to admit to anyone else, including themselves. In a way, that denial and poorly developed sense of self-awareness in regards to their own desires, negative feelings, and flaws kept them from being in danger of falling too far to the dark side. Anakin went dark and remained on the dark side as a pretty terrible Sith for so long, not just because his agency was compromised, but because he was afraid, he was angry, and he was too self-aware in regards to his own flaws and the flaws in both of these systems he spent his whole life to just pretend they didn’t exist. Luke avoided the dark side, but also didn’t get caught up in the detached, hypocritical, willfully in-denial, toxic, and self-righteous “goodness” of the old Jedi because he had enough courage in his self-awareness in regards to his own agency, his own beliefs, his own flaws, and the strengths and flaws in the ways of both the old Jedi Order and the Sith to be able to feel confident enough to open up about it, push for changes, and stand his ground under pressure.

Anakin had strong self-awareness, though he learned to cover it up with those “greater good” and “Anakin is dead” lines, but tragically weak self-confidence in his personal agency and beliefs under the Jedi and Sidious without much healthy support after being separated from his mother, which is why he fell. Obi-Wan, Yoda, and many members of the old Jedi Order never were in serious danger of falling because they were taught to be exceedingly confident in the ways of their broken institution’s code and “greater good” as an excuse to justify every awful thing they did out of fear of the unknown, but woefully lacking in the necessary amount of courage, humility, flexibility, and self-acceptance to face their own issues, face the world around them, adapt, and step outside of their safety to put themselves out there and make a difference for the better.

#pt Jedi critical #obi wan critical #Yoda critical #basically the old Jedi were the new Sith with better pr and more effort to look like they were ‘so above it all’ #also they were basically the new Sith just living more comfortably in-denial of how much they really sucked #Anakin killing kids was really bad don’t get me wrong #but people realize that the Jedi elders of his time were willing to do the same to kids who got in their way too #right?

[lovelybarnes]

scars- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader warnings: heavy mentions of insecurity, focus on scars, injuries, blood, wounds, canon violence about: requested! (PK9) kissing scars, bruises, scratches, etc. + (PF26) person a wiping person b’s tears away a/n: thank you so much for requesting!! i hope this is what you wanted and that you liked it!!

[ @tylard-blog1 ]

you’re aware that everyone on the team has them; natasha romanoff, even steve rogers, with his unbreakable milk skin, and bruce banner, with the green that tinges the hue of his temples when a scar is made. they’re reminders of what you do, some symbols of the lives that you’ve saved-- and others the lives that you’ve taken.

yes, everyone has them, but that doesn’t make you like the ones that litter your own body very much. nor does it stop you from looking away from them when you catch a glimpse of the scars that peek out of the clothing you specifically choose to hide them away from the curious eyes of the public. it doesn’t stop the frustrated tears that ebb in your eyes when you run the tips of your fingers over the raised tissue.

sometimes you realize how unfair it is of you to hate the scars that splay on your collarbone, and the ones that run across your hips and thighs, when you press your lips against the ones on bucky’s shoulder, pleading for him to believe you when you say you think he’s beautiful. the thought lingers when you playfully roll your eyes at natasha on the rare moment when she narrows her eyes at the healed bullet wound that sits above her hip, genuine words assuring her she looks great no matter what slipping out of the same mouth that utters ugly words at the mirror. you ignore it even as it guilts you when you touch the scars on bruce’s arms with featherlight fingers, pressing that they don’t make him a monster, or any of the hideous words with which he describes himself.

you try to tell yourself the reassurances apply to you, too, because they’re true-- the scars don’t diminish the beauty of your smile, or the glow that you carry, and they shouldn’t hinder the upwards pull of your lips when you catch a glimpse of them in the mirror-- but even as you try to convince yourself of that, your eyes always flit away, hand positioning itself in front of the scars as you examine the way you’d love yourself without them.

you were never aware of the blue eyes that caught your moments of dislike for yourself, missing the bead of worry that embedded itself in the cerulean of bucky’s irises.

-

it was on a particularly bad day of yours that one of your relatively smaller missions was scheduled. listed underneath your name was bucky’s, although he was only on there because he had demanded you never to go on a mission to an active hydra base alone, even though he knew you could handle it; you didn’t mind, always enjoying the quiet moments you got on the quinjet with bucky-- and the pilot, usually clint or steve, who bit their tongue, unlike sam or tony.

it would’ve been fine on any other day, but your day hadn’t started on the best note. the scars underneath your clothing seemed to burn every time you moved in the way they had when you first received them. you had stared at them for far too long, wishing you had the super-healing of the asgardian gods or the super soldiers you surrounded yourself with, who would never get permanent scars from the things you had experienced. they felt especially ugly sitting on your skin, making you want to lay in bed all day, pretending they didn’t exist.

your mission cut off your day of wallowing in your bed, forcing you to shove on your suit and sit in the quinjet to arrive at the mission you could’ve easily handled by yourself had it been another day and you had felt any other way.

you were from the same black widow program natasha was from; you were probably impossibly better, more ruthless and uncaring because from the moment you were born, you had nothing to lose, no family to protect, no memories of a childhood--even a fake one-- to hang onto. your movements were always calculated and perfect, like they had been forced to be, and your emotions were never supposed to cloud your anything-- they never did, except for when you had the days that knocked you off your feet, just like these.

nevertheless, you were distracted in the base with bucky, although you shouldn’t have been, considering the delicate information you were handling. you flawlessly did the routine of knocking guards unconscious, ignoring the way a harsh heat flashed in your hip when bucky’s hand touched the place where one of your more brutal scars was. it felt nearly as if he could feel it under his fingers, even though it was a ridiculous thought considering the material of your tac suit.

it was still going relatively fine; you had recovered the usb file you had been assigned to secure, and most of the guards were dead, fallen in a trail that created a clear pathway for bucky to find you, usb drive clutched tightly in your hand as you bled out on the floor, a knife thrown next to the pool of blood quickly forming underneath you and the person who had done it lying dead a few feet away. your gun was in your other hand, one of its bullets embedded in the hydra agents’ chest. bucky could hear the strangled gurgles of breathing coming from the agent, but he paid no attention to him as he rushed to your side, eyebrows furrowing as his hands reached the stab wound. you hissed sharply when you felt the cold of his vibranium fingers meet the burning hot of the injury, pressing down hard as lightly as he could while he mumbled something into the comms you never used. you were suddenly gathered into his arms, cringing when you heard a scream you didn’t realize was yours until you felt bucky’s lips moving in reassuring sentences next to your ear, a string of apologies falling from his lips. you never let go of the drive, desperate to keep hold of something that connected you to the real world, not wanting to focus on your other alternative: it was irrelevant when compared to everything else, but through the blinding red of pain, the only thing you could focus on was obsessing over the fact that a new scar would inevitably heal in place of the stab wound-- one you knew you would survive because you’d survived a hell of a lot worse than it, but the next ugly thing to form in your abdomen might just make you never want to see yourself again.

warm tears rolled down your cheeks as bucky carried you back into the quinjet, one of your hands tiredly fisted at bucky’s shirt, trying your best to stay awake but ultimately failing from the loss of blood and will.

-

it’s stupid. you’re aware, but your first thought when you open your eyes again is how there is yet another scar that will form on your abdomen, making tears rush to your eyes in frustration because it was your fault it was there anyways. had you just paid attention-- just not concentrated so on the wretched things, a new one would not be forming right now. the collection of ugly tissue that littered your skin was already too large.

the frustration you felt overpowered the painful numbness that settled over the wound in your abdomen, making dried tears spring back to life and dribble down your apple cheeks, alerting your boyfriend of your state. “doll? what’s wrong?” he asks, and at the sign he’s there, listening to your whimpers and audible disdain, the dam breaks loose, your hands reaching up to your face and tugging at the gash.

bucky’s up on his feet, tender hands circling around your wrists to pull them back down, “y/n, what’s wrong, doll?” he repeats, gentle blue eyes scanning your tear-streaked face. you squeeze your eyes shut, another salty trail making its way onto the bow of your lips. bucky’s warm fingers wipe away the wetness, his fingertips light.

“baby, please tell me what hurts,” he begs, his vibranium hand making its way into yours. you shake your head, squeezing his cold fingers. “i hate them,” you mumble, feeling his palm cupping your jaw, “i hate them so much.”

“hate what, honey?” he questions gently, brows furrowing further when he sees your hand curling into a loose fist above the place where his hands have lovingly settled: right on your scars. “i’m sorry,” you cry quietly, nose scrunching up when his fingers trace over the tissue he’s memorized the location of, “i hate them. they’re ugly and i hate them.”

“these?” bucky inquires, surprised. he lifts your shirt-- really, his-- to see the object of your tears, catching when you shut your eyes again and more tears drip off your jaw.

“bucky, no--”

bucky looks up at you, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “y/n…” he starts sadly, pulling away to get you to look at him. “they’re not... “ his eyes flick down to one of the scars, and he taps on it gently, “d’you remember this one? it was a couple years ago when i barely joined the team.” you can feel a lump growing in your throat, perfectly able to recall where you got it.

“you barely knew me back then, but you did know i was a super soldier, and you jumped in front of that bullet anyways. god, i knew i had to ask you out before someone knocked sense into anyone else.”

you sniffle, biting your lip, “this one,” he touches another one, “you saved nat and a little girl from a madman. her parents were so thankful they stayed with you until you woke up to thank you.” his finger wipes away another tear, “she invited me to her birthday party this year,” you snivel, and bucky smiles.

“these are not ugly-- you are not ugly, i promise.” he tells you. “i love you, every part of you--” his head suddenly ducks down, and you can feel his lips softly pressing against the scars, careful to avoid your newly forming one. your hand reaches his jaw, running your nail along his stubble as more thankful tears slip from your eyes. “i love you,” he repeats, kissing your lips.

“thank you,” you whisper against his lips, sniffling as you feel the burn on the scars slowly begin to disappear with the coolness of bucky’s vibranium fingertips.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky imagine #bucky barnes angst #sad bucky #bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky fic #bucky barnes sad #sad bucky barnes #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes fluff fanfiction #bucky barnes fluff fanfic #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #marvel #avengers #avenger!reader #bucky barnes x avenger!reader #bucky fluff #angsty bcuky barnes #bucky barnes x reader angst #bucky barnes x reader fluff #bucky barnes fluffy fic #bucky barnes angsty fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfiction angst

[darkdevasofdestruction]

An Angel and A Demon ~ Pyramid Head x Reader

Update 2: My laptop restarted when I was in the middle of writing this, and trust me when I say it, I am positively pissed off, and I want to end my days, that's how bad of a day this was.

And I didn't leave the house.

That says a lot about today...

Update 1: But, without further ado, I was half-way writing this story, and I received this ask, and let me tell you...

helloooo, i absolutely adored the fanfics you wrote about kazan and danny🥺 could i request one where pyramid head is just really whipped for and in love with the survivor! reader but he doesnt know how to announce it to them so he brings her random ,,gifts" in and outside the trials and protecting her bc well, im pretty sure he cant speak so he doesnt really have any other options on how to express his feelings??

I live for it.

Bless you for sending me this, it's the reason I'm still sane right now.

I love you, baby-cakes.

Update 3: I want to kill myself so bad. Just smash my head on a wall until it explodes or sth. I was so happy with how this imagine turned out, only fuck fucking tumblr to just fucking delete EVERYTHING just as I was about to put the last gif and hit POST NOW.

--------

For the 5th time writing this :

FUCKMEDADDY - but this time - FUCKMYBRAINSOUTPLEASEIWANNADIE

Thanks.

-------

Hell - What was that place, anyway?

Some would describe it as an infinite ocean of flames and lava, where it's eternally melting-hot, and a bunch of hooved, horned, tailed red demons torture you with acid, with their red pitch forks, or boil you alive in their cauldron for soup. Or maybe you just get tortured by Stalin, who knows?

But never would have anyone thought that 'Hell' could look so...Normal. Well, normal in a very demolished, desolate, ravished way, but still...Normal, by human standards. Albeit, the never-ending loop of madness, anguish, agony and desperation of getting killed in different gruesome ways or fleeing for their lives and feeling a myriad of emotions pumping adrenaline through their veins so badly that their anxiety-meter skyrocketed to abnormal levels.

All this darkness, this hatred, this...Everything...It changed all the survivors. They became selfish, stubborn, rude, some even went as far as to sacrifice their fellow survivors in trials, just so they could survive. It was a complete mayhem that defied all kinds of reason, normality, morality or even ethics. Everyone became devoid of any laws that used to bind them to their humane sides, and now, you weren't sure if the killers were saner than the survivors or not.

But even in this abyss where you couldn't even see your hand in front of your very eyes, there was a little star - A beautiful angel radiating brightness and warmth, someone who was somehow able to guide everyone's straying souls with her benevolence.

In reality, she was merely a survivor, not the little lantern from an angler fish's head, but she treated everyone with such an untainted kindness...It was beautiful, and yet, unrequited for most parts. Everyone was still putting their own lives above all - And who could condemn them? - Perhaps their cowardice, for the girl preferred to save her fellow survivors as much as possible, even if that oftentimes assured her place on the hook, to be a sacrificial lamb for the Entity.

On the other hand, she rarely ended up on the hook - Most killers prefer to kill her themselves, instead of letting her become pray for the horrible Entity who tortured so many of them for refusing to cooperate - The Trapper, Evan MacMillan - He knew the best, with those hooks digging into his flesh, impossible to extract. He was the first to protect this girl. It wasn't much, but if he had to, he'd rather give her a swift, painless death, than seeing her without that serene, angelic smile on her face, as the Entity feeds on the last bits of her soul's beauty, the last parts of her humanity.

The other Killers were confused at the Trapper's actions, but little by little, they began to understand why this girl was so precious and special - And this domino effect hit Rin Yamaoka next, with Y/N stopping in the middle of a chase and taking off her jacket, just as Rin was about to butcher her with her katana, and she smiled, extending it to her. 'You must be cold' she said, realising that the Spirit was merely wearing a few bandages, not even her school uniform, or her kimono.

The ghost girl was shaken up by this, and told the others at the killer camp, but they just shrugged it off - Rin was a little girl who faced close to no kindness, they weren't surprised she was so taken aback by such a feat. That is, until Adiris, in a particularly terrible day, when everyone at the camp was staying away from her, as her profane censer wasn't able to cover the stench of rotting flesh - Y/N came over, taking out a small yet elegant glass bottle with pink liquid on it, spraying some on her - And now, The Plague smelled of roses and vanilla - 'You can come to me for perfume whenever you want, I always carry some with me!' she grinned at the Babylonian High Priestess, before leaving back to the survivor's camp site, leaving the ancient God symbol to stare with her mouth agape at the girl.

These words began to spread, and it was no surprise when the killers saw Susie clinging and begging her Legion friends to spare Y/N, for she was there to hug away her worries more than once, to tell her sweet words, to play with her hair and play the guitar whatever songs she wanted to hear, to get reminded of her home - She was so home sick that she freaked out, but now she was better, thanks to Y/N - 'I know you miss home, but sometimes, home is where your best friends are, and all three of them are here!' she tried to encourage the cute pink-haired girl who could only squeal and hug her new friend.

Even Ghostface wasn't exempt from falling to her charms, and they would often take silly selfies and mess around, making fun of the old horror movie tropes and doing lots of puns and pranks - So much that she even got his trust to be told about the Danny/Jed thing, and how he began his killer profession - 'You're a very talented photographer, Danny! You deserved all that recognition you got, both as a journalist, and as a killer!'

And very soon, Y/N found herself in the crushing arms of an overprotective Anna, humming her mother's lullaby together with walking through the forest, Y/N making flower crows for all the female killers at the camp site, and little by little, she somehow managed to worm her way under everyone's skins.

Y/N was the survivor with the highest survivability percentage, and maybe the Entity sometimes got pissed off, but at least she still got killed sometimes, so who cares? Well, that was soon to change as soon as a new Killer was added to this sick game - Pyramid Head, the terror of Silent Hill, as Cheryl, the new Survivor, called him - or The Executioner, as he was known now. He was ruthless, merciless, grotesque - He had his own criteria of killing, his own moral compass, ethics, conscience and understanding of the concept of life and death. Nothing that could compare to the visions of humans, clearly - Everything was gravitating around Divine Retribution and Justice, but the from the outside, he was nothing but a killing machine.

He would kill everyone and anyone that crosses his path, without fail.

Y/N felt like her fortune ended completely the second she found herself in the new, overly cramped map, with Pyramid Head as the killer - She couldn't help but run around like a spazzic meerkat, trying to find and fix as many generators as possible, without having to get face to face with the walking hazard...

Only to run past a stuck Pyramid Head.

Slowly backtracing her steps, she saw the mountain of a man with his metal pyramid stuck in the frames a low window which he tried to walk over. He was trashing like a raged bull trying to attack a matador, but it was clear he was getting nowhere with this.

"H-Hey, u-uhm...Need some help?" she asked in a soft, careful voice, almost like a meek cat trying to test the waters, but in return, he started groaning even louder from the wrath he wanted to unleash upon the whole world. "Okay, uhm...I think I saw a can of vaseline in one of the chests around. I'll go fetch it and I'll come back for you. Don't move." she said, only to then realise how horrible that sounded, considering the situation, and it only seemed to anger the killer. "...I'm sorry, ignore me, I'm an idiot." she slapped herself pretty harshly before bolting out of there trying to find the chest.

However, Y/N cursed herself for not having perfectly memorised the whole map by heart already, since she found the vaseline can after the 3rd chest, and then, it took quite a while to find the bloody window that got the killer stuck - And by the time she got there, she was dead tired. "Okay, I'm here, I found the vaseline! Let's try to get you out of here." Y/N muttered as she put her feet on the low window pane to get to his level. "If it's not too much trouble, could you please hold onto me? I can't balance myself with both hands occupied, and I'd rather not fall." she explained as she opened the vaseline can, only to shiver as she felt two big, strong hands getting a firm grip on her hips. It was almost...Endearing, were she not too busy trying to get the killer unstuck. She kept massaging the metal edge, trying to push and pull, also praying to whatever deity that existed in her human world that she had her tetanus shot done on time - Until finally, she was able to get hear a loud screech, like a pop, and the killer got unstuck, and in the process, he stumbled backwards, while Y/N fell down on her butt.

"Ouchie..." she muttered, rubbing her back and sides to take away the pain surging through her body. "Are you okay?" she asked, almost intuitively, without realising it at first, until she heart a low grunt that brought her back to reality. "O-Oh...! You have glass shards stuck in your side! And you're bleeding too! Hold up, let me help." she hurried to his side, while the killer merely stiffened, feeling her delicate, slender fingers tracing his body, while he heaved and slouched his shoulders from the repressed wrath. "It may sting a bit, and I'm really sorry, but I promise it will be better soon." her voice was so motherly and warm, which also resonated in her actions, as she gingerly took a water bottle and imbued some tissues with it, to wipe away the blood smearing down his skin as she extracted the glass shards, and then..."This is grandma's marigold ointment. It's really good, and it smells nice." she explained as she carefully smeared a thick layer of the yellow ointment on the biggest wounds, while the little ones were covered by smiley-flower patterned plasters. They were cute, and colourful, and they never failed to make her smile. "Okay, there we go, all better! I hope you'll feel better very soon!" her voice got a tiny bit more cheerful and upbeat.

It made the Killer think about a trillion things, as he stepped in front of her, towering over her like the Empire states building next to a smiling pomeranian. What was with this girl? Why did she help a killer? And why did he feel so...Warm inside? He could sense a foreign kind of luminosity, a naivite and innocence that he only witnessed in children and animals. This woman in front of him was untainted by the darkness and evil of the world.

It didn't matter how many hardships she's been through, or how much sadness she had to endure - Her soul remained as pure as any snowdrop, as the first snow of winter, as the fleece of a baby lamb who let out its first 'meeeeh' to its mamma sheep.

He couldn't allow this human to be maimed in any way - Not by the world, not by the Entity, and certainly not by him. - Screw the Entity, Pyramind Head kills by his own rules, and now, he was blessed to be faced with a human who bore no real hatred for her peers, or for the world, despite the horrible situation she was thrown into.

He didn't understand, obviously, especially as he remembered the myriad of abominations that lurked through Silent Hill, all of them created by the torment of humans - The very torment that distorted their own reality, which resulted in him needing to solve the purpose as The Executioner - Eradicating the world of all evil.

"Th-This sword is so heavy...H-How can you carry this around like that...?! Your muscles must be so strained and sore...Y-You really need a massage, I'm sure." she stuttered as she tried to lift the much taller and heavier sword from the ground, only for the brute to simply bend and pick it up with extreme ease, putting the girl to shame with her complete lack of strength. "Hehe...You're really strong. I'm embarrassed now." she chuckled softly, scratching the back of her neck.

Before she could leave or do anything else, Pyramid Head picked her up by the throat, careful not to hurt her or restrict her air intake - I mean, how else was he supposed to carry her so he wouldn't hurt her with his metal head or sword? - and it was pretty clear she didn't feel any malevolence from him, as she clinged on his forearm, trying to keep herself up, only to be dumped on top of the hatch, as the killer pointed towards it, so she would leave.

"O-Oh...! Thank you so much! You're really kind! I really appreciate this...I-I know it probably doesn't matter much to you, since you'll be doing this over and over again with all the survivors...But I really appreciate you for your kind gesture, and I appreciate you for being so nice with me. Thank you. Take care!" her dazzling smile lit the whole place up, but he couldn't talk, nor could he tell her how he should be the one thanking her for showing him that, despite the hundreds and thousands of years he had to roam the 'Earth' and execute the injust, miracles still existed.

As soon as she reached the survivor's camp, everyone cheered for her, asking how in the world could she have escaped the wrath of the butcher. "Oh, but he wasn't that bad. In fact, he's much more humane than I anticipated! I think he has a beautiful, blooming heart!" okay, she's lost it - the other survivors thought - but even so, she's always been a bit...Out of it, so who cares?

It took quite a while for the other three survivors to reach the camp, all bloody, in fact, like the new killer, who dragged himself with the same menace to the Killers' camp. "How the hell did you manage to survive?!" they yelled at her in utter shock, seeing that she got out of there unscratched. "Oh, you see...I found the hatch." she shrugged simply, not wanting to give away that the person who massacred those three was a soft one and he basically threw her down the hatch to her safety.

As she took a twig to roast a marshmallows, she noticed how Pyramid Head was standing much farther away from the rest of the killers - She knew that silent killers were bound to stay away from the more obnoxious one, remembering how Michael Myers almost killed Ghostface and The Legion at least a dozen times - But this time...He seemed kinda...Lonely? So Y/N took the matters into her own hands, roasted another marshmallow in another twig, and when it was done, she went to the killer's camp, calling out the lonely one's name - She has no idea why, but he actually followed her, pushing her further deep into the forest, until he was sure nobody was going to hear, see or interrupt them...

"Hey. You seemed pretty lonely out there...I thought you could use a friend. Thank you again for what you did at the trial...Here, this is a marshmallow. I don't think you've had many before...Cheryl told me of that horrible place you had to live in...So I hope this will make your day a bit better!" Y/N extended one of her hands towards him, so he could take the marshmallow - And a long, black tongue erupted from underneath the pyramid, snatching away the fluffy marshmallow and gulping it in one go.

What the hell was he turning into?

A towering man built of pure muscle, wrath and divine justice, with a pyramid representing the evil of humanity burdening his body, and a sword taller and heavier than the average human being constantly dragged in one of his hand...He now was a slave to a cute, innocent girl who was putting flower plasters on his minuscule wounds that would heal in a heartbeat regardless - He saved this girl who was now offering his these soft, squishy things that tasted overly sugarly, just like her upbeat and cheerful personality - If he could eat her, he was sure she would taste even sweeter than this - A sickish kind of sweet, that is.

She was indeed a beautiful angel in this tragic hell. But he didn't wait to snatch the second marshmallow either.

"Ah...! You liked it, didn't you? Well...Next time, I promise I'll give you more!" she grinned at him the same way a princess would to her chivalrous knight who saved her. The since he couldn't talk, silence took over them - It wasn't an uncomfortable one, per se, but it made it feel as if the conversation was over. "W-Well...I'll guess I'll see you around! Take care and I hope to see you again soon!" she waved cutely, trying to turn around back to her camp, only to feel a rough hand on her shoulder, turning her around and urging her to stop and wait for him and he went deep into the forest, leaving her alone and undefended by the potential malevolent forces of the forest.

When he returned, however, he stepped right in front of her, creating the perfect shade as he towered over her - Then he kneeled in front of her, so he would reach her eye sight, then he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and put a beautiful pink flower - As pink as the blush that started creeping on her face - He wanted to see her luminous face better, to highlight her dazzling smile and her glimmering eyes as the warm, silver light of the mother moon caressed her face.

Y/N felt her heart picking up the pace - It was beating so much faster than ever before - But this time, it wasn't out of fear or anything negative...It was something good. Something she never felt in her life, especially with her human acquaintances from back home. None was as chivalrous and gentle with her as this butcher of tormented souls - The bringer of justice, the merciless Executioner who was supposed to end the life of every living being that would cross his path.

It was insane how every Yin finds its Yang, even if that comes in the form of a little lamb of a small, frail girl, and a huge abomination of a brute man who knows nothing but death, bloodshed and carnage. It was truly crazy how opposites attract, and here she was, holding the killers large hands and gingerly putting them on her face, leaning into his touch - She felt safer now than ever in her life - Now, in the arms of an ancient killer.

An Angel and A Demon brought together in a perfect union.

As she leaned down, she touched the metal of the pyramid where she anticipated his forehead would be with her own forehead, and closing her eyes, she finally felt herself calming down. There was no need for words, actions spoke louder than anything, and she appreciated it...She appreciated him.

"Thank you." she whispered to him, knowing that yes, even though nobody else would hear it anyway, it was much more intimate than anything she ever experienced.

She was hooked.

Hope you liked my completely shameless pun, I couldn't stop it, especially after the pain I went through trying to write this...3 freaking times.

Yay.

#dead by daylight #dead by daylight x reader #dead by daylight imagine #dbd #dbd x reader #dbd imagine #silent hill #silent hill x reader #silent hill imagine #pyramid head #pyramid head x reader #pyramid head imagine #red pyramid #red pyramid x reader #red pyramid imagine

[yeahimaloser]

Wingless

Hello! So this was the fic I've been working on, and I just wanted to quickly say this is an AU-based fic (Kinda).

WARNING MANGA SPOILERS

So I understand what's going on in the manga, but I started this fic when Keigo was injured. so I wrote a fic about how Keigo and you would deal with him losing both his wings and a part of himself.

this story contains manga spoilers, as well as warnings of mental and physical abuse (kind of), hurt to comfort, mentions of Depression, blood, someone gets glass stuck in their hand, and therapy.

no pronouns are given to the reader. Word count: 7k

. . .

You practically ran through the hospital, not listening to the nurses and doctors as they told you to slow your pace. Your mind only screamed out for him, screaming for him to be alive, for him to just be okay. You could hear your heart thumping hard against your chest, tears spilling down your cheeks.

As you ran near his room, a doctor finally managed to stop you.

“Please, calm down! He’s in this room but I can not allow you in if you act like this. You will only stress my patient out more, and we have just managed to sedate him.” the doctor held out his hands as he spoke, trying to calm you.

Although, it clearly wasn’t working. Your eyes only shone more with brimming tears, your hands shook as the doctor spoke.

After a few minutes of you catching your breath and calming yourself down, the doctor told you that you were able to see him.

You felt as if your whole body was on fire as you walked through the doors to his hospital room.

The window that overlooked the city gave an impressive view (if it wasn’t in a hospital, you probably would have stopped and looked down at the city below). The bathroom, you could see, was on your left. There was even a vanity and a television in the room as well.

But you really didn’t have time to look around, your eyes were already focused on the man that lay on the hospital bed.

Machines were hooked up to him, tubes ran out of his skin every witch way. He was flipped on his stomach to accommodate his wings or lack thereof. Bandages covered almost every area you could see, the blood on them was minimal, yet they looked new, meaning they had been changed.

You rushed to his side, stopping only when the line of his IV almost collide with your foot.

“Keigo,” you said it so lightly you were afraid only you could even hear it.

But Keigo’s eyes shot open, looking up at you, “...Y/N?”

God, his voice was a raspy mess, it sounded as though it wasn’t even his.

If you could, you would break down right then and there. Crying over him, telling him you were there for him, that you would always be there for him, no matter the hardships he was sure to overcome. You wanted desperately to hold him, to whisper love-filled words to him, to wipe away the pain you knew he was feeling.

But you didn’t, you couldn’t.

You knew you had to be strong for him in that moment, and for all the moments yet to come. You knew that what was going to happen to you two would not be easy.

So you couldn’t cry, no matter how much you wanted to.

You lightly stroked his cheek, “I’m here Kei, I’m right here. I won't leave you.”

Silent tears ran down his face as he spoke, his voice cracking, “I’m sorry.”

----

After what happened with Dabi Toya, the commission tried their best to cover everything up, telling the public that Dabi had to be wrong. But the public eye was persistent.

The truth was out, there was nothing you or Keigo could do to stop it. Everyone knew about his name, his father, and what he had done to Twice, as well as the fact that he had lost to Dabi. You knew it would be hard for him to come back to that.

The media had always been a bit ruthless when it came to Keigo, but now, it was up by tenfold. They talked about how they believed that Keigo was not worthy of his hero title. A false hero they called him.

And Keigo?

Luckily, he didn’t hear very much of it. You made sure of that. You wanted him to rest, to let what had happened wash over him little by little, and you knew if he heard what the news had been saying about him, that he might never recover.

When Keigo was a bit more stable, he still rarely talked.

His eyes didn’t shine like they used to, his face, once so uplifting and beautiful, was marred with a long scar that he had on his face.

But no matter what, you stayed with him, no matter what, you would be by his side.

But seeing Keigo like this? It was unbearable.

He would only eat if you were there to persuade him, he would only look at you if you practically begged him to.

You knew it was a selfish want, you knew it was, but you wanted your Keigo back. You wanted the man who held you in his arms, telling you he would fly to the moon and back if it meant you would give him your love. You wanted the man that stopped at nothing to protect others, you wanted the man that smiled when the going got tough, you wanted Keigo.

But you had to accept that this was Keigo.

And you wouldn’t leave him, you couldn’t. He was always there for you when you needed him most, and you weren’t going to do the same.

After what had happened with Keigo, the commission thought it would be best to send him away, let the media storm die down, letting him also take time to heal his wings.

You had to fight them in order to come as well. At first, they told you that Hawks should just be concerned with getting his wings back and becoming “hero ready”.

You should have known. You knew, of course, that the HPSC was corrupted, but you didn’t think they were heartless. Yet, you were proven wrong.

You wished they could understand, you wished everyone could understand. Keigo was so loving and kind, you just wished people would understand that about him. What Keigo had to do to Twice… you knew he didn’t want to kill him, Keigo wasn’t like that. He didn’t take pleaser in violence, all he wanted was to see others happy.

And it made your blood boil that the higher up’s couldn’t understand.

You told them how Keigo needed someone to be his caretaker, and you would be the best candidate. You knew he wouldn’t object, you told them that you would work for free, seeing as he and you had been dating, as well as living together for the last few years.

Finally, with a lot of persuading, they agreed.

They sent you and Keigo to a remote location near the shores of Japan, seeing as they wanted Keigo to not remember the effects of the fight, and thought the best course of action was to send him so far out that he would have nothing to remind him of, “The Incident”.

The house was a small little thing, a lot smaller than what you and Keigo were used to at least.

It was close to the ocean, giving it a more country feeling rather than the city vibe you and Keigo used to live in. The smell of the ocean hit you full force when you two arrived, the salty, yet homie smell was a nice difference to the fullness of the air of the city.

The home had a total of seven rooms, all on the same floor.

The master bedroom had enough space, it fit a bed, a vanity, and a closet as well as a connection to the master bathroom. The walls were painted a low white, you wouldn’t call it cream however that was the closest rendition. The floors were all wood, you could feel the sand beneath your feet, you had a feeling the stuff would get everywhere.

There were three bathrooms, a guest room, a living room, and a kitchen.

The whole house honestly just felt...nice.

The floors felt grainy against your feet, but it felt weirdly cozy, kind of like how a beach house should feel. The carpeting was a bit musty for your taste, you had a feeling that would be your first project to do with the house. The couch was a bit too firm, you expected that, but still, it just needed to be worn in. The kitchen wasn’t big, but for two people, it would do.

You spent the first week moving in, all by yourself.

Keigo would only stay in bed, looking out the window, in some far-off world he was in.

You wanted to cry when you would walk into the master bedroom and see him upright on the mattress, not doing or saying anything, just staring, a shell of the man you once knew.

It made your heart clench though, normally, Keigo would always be the first to lend a helping hand, that was just his nature, to want to help. But this, this was something that broke you even more.

-----

The first few weeks were rough.

Not hard, just rough.

The only way you could even describe Keigo was just numb.

His eyes were sunken, his hair a tattered mess. His face was droopy, the once perfect-looking man now sat alone in bed, looking as though he was almost near death.

And his scar.

It served as a perfect reminder of what had happened, a symbol of the pain Keigo had gone through. You knew what he felt when he saw it, you knew what he was probably thinking when he looked in the mirror to have the long stripe of red and pink looking back at him.

Yet, you pretended not to notice.

He would barely say anything to you, choosing instead, to be silent.

For the first few days, it was hard to get him out of bed, hard for him to even eat anything.

On most days you found yourself sitting alone when you ate, going on walks by yourself on the sandy beach, watching TV all alone.

You missed him, it was hard not to. But you knew that this was hardest on Keigo, so of course, you let him have all the time he needed. Letting him sulk and wallow in his self-pity, letting his feelings shroud him. You felt as though you had to, he had every right to feel this way.

But it was hard.

It was hard having Keigo sleep in the master bedroom while you slept all alone in the guest, it was hard to be so silent in the house, it was hard living with someone who was basically a ghost.

One day though, you found him crying.

You quickly ran over to him, scared that he had somehow hurt himself. But he didn’t, nothing had happened to him.

But he sat straight up in his bed, shaking like he was cold, his hands wrapped around something you couldn’t see.

“Keigo, honey?” you asked carefully as you stepped into the room, “Is everything ok hun?”

But it was like he couldn’t even hear you, whatever he was holding, it certainly had his attention.

You walked slowly over to him, reaching out to him, like he was a wounded animal, “Keigo? What is it?”

Finally, you managed to see what it was.

It was a picture of him, of him with his beautiful red wings, smiling at the camera in his hero outfit, with one hand giving a thumbs up and the other around your waist.

In comparison to the picture, you could barely tell it was Keigo anymore. With his sunken eyes and hollow cheekbones, the scar is a stripe of change.

“Keigo I-” you took a deep breath, what were you supposed to even say? How could you even console him? How could you help ease his pain?

You couldn’t.

So you just held him, held him in your arms, trying to hide your tears from him, so he wouldn’t see you hurting as well.

. . .

But one day, when you were sitting on the porch of your borrowed home, watching the waves hit the sandy beach below, watching the sun as it hit the horizon.

It was bitter-sweet, you were all alone, watching the beautiful sight without anyone to share it with.

You sighed, contemplating whether or not to go back inside, but then... Keigo came.

It startled you, you weren’t expecting him to come off his bed, much less to see you.

He sat down in the nice little chair that was right next to you.

He didn’t say anything for a good few moments, but then, all of a sudden he spoke.

“The ocean looks really pretty, I like...I like being here with you.”

You were shocked, to say the least. Keigo had barely acknowledged your presence during this time, he hadn’t spoken to you at all during these few weeks. So to hear him say that...

You damn near cried.

You had been holding in your anxiousness and, overall, depression of not having Keigo back to his regular self. It was hard, that much was certain, but still, he was going through such a difficult time, you had to be there for him.

You quickly brushed the tear that had feel from your eye, “I-I like being here with you too.”

----

After that, things were...different.

Keigo was a bit more clingy, although, maybe you should say protective.

You would go out on your walks and would come home to him being upset, asking where you were, and fussing about you going out.

“Well, what if something happened? Just stay here.”

You asked the doctors about that, they told you how some patients latched on to certain things or people after a traumatic event, most of the time clinging desperately to what they felt was the only thing they had left.

They told you his newfound desire to be near you could be a sign of him getting worse, or it could be a sign he was getting better.

The doctor told you it was much more likely that Keigo needed something to hang on to, a sort of attachment. And again, they told you Keigo needed to see a therapist, he had so much trauma after the battle that you probably wouldn’t be able to handle it.

You knew that you should listen and that you probably couldn’t deal with Keigo all on your own. But still, you wanted to move at Keigo's pace, and you knew he needed time.

. . .

The first night you and Keigo spent in the same bed after what had happened was...strange.

Although you two lived in the same little beach house for a month now, you two haven't slept next to one another, you weren’t sure Keigo was ready just yet.

And yet, he was the one who asked you.

It happened on a normal day, while you were making dinner when Keigo spoke.

“Hey...Y/N..” you turned back to him, giving him your full attention, “Could we….could we try sleeping together? I know...I know it’s been some time but-”

“Yes!” you hastily accepted, “I mean...only if you want to.”

And so, you found yourself curled up next to Keigo, feeling him cuddled up to you, which was nice of course, but his body felt stiff like it didn’t want to be close to you.

The whole experience was… different. Normally, Keigo would wrap his arms around you, holding you against him, holding you securely and tightly, like you knew he wouldn’t let you go.

But this, this was different, but you should have expected that by now. You should have known that, now, it was so unlikely that you would ever see the old version of Keigo again.

And then it was there again, that slap of guilt, that pang of hurt at your own thought. How could you think that? Keigo was hurting, and you were upset that he was in pain?

You bit your lip, quietly willing yourself not to cry.

------

Keigo’s mood swings would happen randomly, with no merit at all.

One moment, he was blindly looking at the TV, the next he would be offering to help with dinner, then the next he was screaming at you to add more pepper to the onions.

When his first outburst happened, you blamed yourself.

You had left Keigo for what only seemed like a moment, going outside to feel the air on your face, wanting to just get out of the stuffy little cottage.

You were just watching from the porch when you heard it.

The sound of glass shattering.

You whipped your head to the sound, to find it coming from inside.

You rushed inside, running towards the kitchen.

“Keigo!” you cried out.

You stopped at the doorway to the kitchen, looking down at Keigo on the floor.

A glass of some sort had broken in Keigo’s hand, from what you could tell. It seemed like he had gotten some of it stuck in his hand, blood dripped onto the floor, sticking to the hardwood floor.

Keigo just stared, his eyes the most lively you’ve seen them in weeks. He didn’t say anything, didn’t even acknowledge your presence, just staring at his hand, looking at the blood as it dripped...dripped...dripped.

And then, he screamed.

It was so loud and so unexpected you quickly covered your ears, trying to block out the head-splitting sound.

When you finally regained your composure, you rushed down to Keigo's side, trying your best to help him.

But Keigo shoved you away.

“No! Stop! Go away! I-I don’t wanna hurt anymore! Stop it, leave me alone!” he scooted away from you, holding out his palms, trying to make you leave.

But you wouldn’t.

Slowly, you spoke, “Keigo, I need to help you, ok? I’m not here to hurt you, baby, I’m Y/N, I love you.”

You inched closer and closer as Keigo hiccuped and sniffed.

“Stop it! Don’t c-come any closer!”

You stilled, only for a moment. Then, you moved forward again.

“Honey, I have to clean your wound, please baby.”

Keigo’s breath still raged, but he let you come closer.

Before you even looked at the wound on his hand, you gave him a light kiss on the cheek. Keigo was shocked, flinching a bit at first.

You carefully picked up his hand, observing it lightly. The glass pricked his hand, but the overall damage wasn’t all that bad, it might have been worse if you hadn’t rushed to him.

You took a deep breath, “Keigo, I’m gonna need to remove the glass-”

But Keigo cut you off, “No no no no no, please. Please, I don’t wanna get hurt again. Please.”

“Keigo,” you stroked your cheek lightly, “it’s ok, it’s me, it’s Y/N.”

You purse your lips, thinking for a moment, “Remember when I got that splinter from the hardwood at that crummy hot spring? And remember how you had to pull it out? And remember how scared I was?”

He thought for a moment as if the memory was buried deep inside him, a lifetime ago. He nodded, tears still running down his face.

“It’s gonna be like that, ok? Quick, and I’ll be right there with you, just like you were for me.”

After a moment, Keigo nodded.

You made quick work of the glass, helping Keigo through the little whimpers and hiccups he let out.

Keigo was never like this before, never fighting over glass in his hand, he was a hero, he dealt with pain daily. But this Keigo was beyond damaged. He was ripped in half, put through more pain than you would ever understand, the mental strain of that had to be so much, it had to weigh on him.

The thought only made your resolve stronger, only made your need to see Keigo get better that much more secure.

After you had bandaged his hand, kissing his knuckles and wrist softly in order to calm him down, you noticed how exhausted he was.

“Do you wanna go and take a nap, Kei?”

He nodded.

You walked him to the room, helping him to bed.

You planted a small kiss on his lips before moving away to leave.

But Keigo caught the fabric of your shirt, pulling on it lightly, “Wait.”

You turned back to face him, “Yeah. what's up Kei?”

“Um, could you...join me?”

Your body perked up. This was one of the first times he had seemed...needy for contact with you. Sure, he still slept next to you, but you figured that was mainly due to some comfortability. But the way Keigo was looking at you right now? His eyes softened with desperation, his body, while still heavy with drowsiness, had enough strength to pull you to him. He seemed to genuinely want you to stay.

You smiled, a real, genuine smile, “Of course I can Keigo.”

You slid into the spot next to him, and Keigo had his arms immediately around your waist, pulling you flush against him. His face nuzzled softly into your neck, his whole body trapping you in a needed embrace.

You played with his hair, giving yourself a mental note that you needed to wash it and brush it out later.

That's when you heard the sniffling in your neck.

“Kei,” you said gently, “what’s wrong?”

It took a few labored breaths for Keigo to respond, “I’m sorry.”

At first, you were confused. What did Keigo have to be sorry about? He had done nothing wrong to you, he hadn’t said anything bad to you, the most he had really done was worry you. But he continued.

“I’m sorry for being so weak, for letting myself get like this, it’s all my fault. And I’m sorry I’m a burden for you, I know how much you loved me, how much you loved being with a strong hero,” he took another shaky breath before continuing, “But I can't. I can’t do it anymore. It hurts so bad. And now, no one wants me. I’m a failure, they’re right,” Keigo squeezed you tighter as if you would leave him too, “I’m a false hero. I failed everyone, the commission, my friends, Tokoyami. And you,” he looked back up at you, “why are you even here? I’m useless now, why can’t you see that? Why won’t you just leave? It would be better for you.”

You hadn’t even realized you had been crying before you felt how shaky your voice was, “No. Keigo that’s not true, I love-”

But he cut you off, “No!” he bolted upright, “Stop it! Stop it Y/N! I’m not who you love, that Keigo is dead and gone, look at me! I’m a shell of who he was, I’m the failure he left behind! Christ Y/N, I fucking broke down because I had fucking glass in my hand!”

He cupped his ears, seemingly trying to block out some sort of noise that you couldn’t even hear. Rocking back and forth lightly, his bandaged hand squeezing hard on his left ear.

“Keigo stop it,” you tried to get his hand away, “you're going to hurt yourself!”

After fighting him for a moment, you finally got him to put his hands down. You pulled him to you, placing his head on your chest as you calmed him down.

“Kei,” you said after a long stretch of silence, “I love you, and I’m not leaving you.”

Keigo hiccuped, “B-but.”

You shushed him, “No but’s. I’m here to stay, it’ll be hard, I know that, but I can’t leave you.”

For the first time in God now’s how long, Keigo reached up and kissed you.

It wasn’t a light, small little peck either, it was a sloppy, desired-filled kiss. You were shocked at first, seeing as how he was yelling at you a second ago, but you let yourself indulge a bit. You craved Keigo, missed his lips, his strong, protective hands that run up your body, you just missed him really.

Your hand moved down to his chest, pulling him deeper. His hands grabbed onto your hips, pulling you more in.

His teeth clashed against yours, and maybe it was because you two haven't done this in so long, or it was because neither of you cared.

You couldn’t help but let out a small moan as Keigo pushed more against you, pushing you near the head of the bed.

After a few moments of the kiss, you pulled away.

“Please,” Keigo whispered lightly, “Please don’t leave me.”

------

After that, the situation with you and Keigo became so much more complicated.

Keigo would become so irritable, that you had to stand outside for hours just for him to calm down.

But the worst was when he acted so apologetic afterward, saying his, “I’m sorry”’s over and over again, sputtering about how he would, “do better.”

Of course, you felt like absolute shit, wanting to scream, to cry, to leave even. But you couldn’t. Keigo was in so much pain, you had to be strong now, you had to be there for him like he had been for you. You shoved down your tears, fighting the urge to scream and cry, waiting out your feelings.

Was it a bad coping mechanism? Yes. But you already felt so useless, you didn’t want to be a burden too.

For a while, you had hoped that he would help himself get better, you had hoped that he really was trying to get better and understand how to help himself more, but as time went on, you saw how naive you were.

You realized that Keigo was almost beyond repair, some days he would be silently upset, not talking or saying anything. While others you could hear it in his voice.

While some days you came into your shared room to see him curled up on the bed, crying and whimpering. And then there was you, unable to help, unable to tell him how, “it would be ok,” how, “I’m here for you, Kei.”

Because you knew he wouldn’t listen.

And yet, he would never yell at you, never scream or degrade you, he would only seem to be mad at...himself.

Yet, it was strange, because he seemed to grow more and more protective of you.

If you were to leave the house, he would become upset, saying how; “You could have gotten hurt, next time either take me with you or stay...please.”

It was strange how he always asked, how he never demanded.

But today, today was different.

You had noticed that Keigo was especially irritable, so you decided to just stay out of his way. Deciding to work on meal prep, because of Keigo’s accident the doctors told you to watch his meals carefully, making sure he eats a well-balanced meal each and every day.

Maybe Keigo would calm down, maybe today could still be ok, maybe you could salvage the day and make it a good one.

But that was before the broadcast.

. . .

You were outside that day, watching as the sun showned on the ocean.

You wished silently that Keigo could have enough strength to come out and see it with you. Yet, you didn’t push him.

Keigo, on the other hand, was watching some TV. Well, "watch" was a strong word. Keigo’s eyes were far off again, You never asked him what he was thinking about, but you knew it had to be something but what happened.

As you watch the waves crash against the shore, and the sun slowly sets, that's when it happened.

The broadcast.

At first, the broadcast was only just a news reporter talking about how; “us as a society must look forward, through these dark times.” Talking about the loss of certain Hero’s and civilians alike.

but the segment right after that, that's what sent Hawks into his spiral.

“And now, what has happened to the pro hero known as Hawks? And I posed a question to all of our viewers out there, should he be forgiven? Can a man who ruthlessly killed someone, even a villain, be considered a hero?”

You weren't there when the news reporter posed the question, you were only there for the aftermath.

At first, Keigo was in shock, and then, his outburst happened.

It was the worst outburst since the accident. He was screaming, yelling, hitting anything, he just needed some way to get his anger out.

When you heard the commotion, you immediately ran inside, worried that something may have hurt him. But as you went inside, you realized that there was nothing wrong, at least not from what you could see. But to Keigo, everything was wrong.

When you came in, all you could hear was yelling, “What was it all for?! I just...I just wanted to help!”

You were stunted into silence, only being able to watch from afar.

It was like you couldn’t move, your body glued down to the floor, unable to help Keigo.

And then, he hit the TV, hard.

And that's when you finally spoke.

“Keigo stop!”

You rushed forward, grabbing his arm from hitting the wall.

You latched on to him, “Keigo please, please honey just calm-”

But it was too late, and before you knew what was happening, Keigo had thrown you on the ground.

You landed on your hands, cushioning your fall, but that didn’t mean it hurt.

For a moment, everything was still, everything was silent. Keigo wasn’t yelling, he wasn't screaming, and when you looked back up, the only thing you saw was true horror and guilt.

You panted lightly, your eyes blown wide as you stared back up at Keigo.

“...Y/N-”

What was he to say?

He didn’t know.

“K-Keigo,” you were at a complete loss for words.

After a few more minutes, you stood back up. You took one, shaky breath, before you spoke.

“Keigo, I’m sorry. I-I...I can’t do this right now. It’s just… this is all too much for me right now. I think I need to clear my head.”

You moved past him, not even looking him in the eye. How could you? Your mind was a mess, a thousand thoughts jumbled through your brain.

You opened the door quickly, taking your car keys before you left, refusing to look back.

----

The ocean waves looked stunning in the sunlight, it might have been the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

At least, you would have if the tears in your eyes weren’t blocking out your vision.

And your head wouldn’t stop spinning. Was Keigo ok? Should you go back? Could you even go back? What would you even say to him?

No matter how hard you tried to convince yourself that leaving Keigo behind was for the best, that you two just needed to be away from each other, you felt like your heart was being slowly stabbed through with needles, one for every second away.

You sniffed, wiping away your tears with the back of your palm.

There had to be a way Keigo could get better, some way you could help. But every thought eluded you, how could you help someone so far gone?

You thought back to the doctor's suggestion of getting a therapist, maybe it was time. Keigo was getting too out of hand for you, and as much as you loved him, you knew that this was hurting him as much as you.

A sigh escaped your lips, why did this have to be so difficult?

And that thought came to you again.

Why couldn’t he just be himself again?

You shivered at your own selfish, hurtful thoughts. Keigo was still him, he just needed help, and thinking about how much you wanted the old him back wasn’t going to help him or you. And it wasn’t fair either, to expect that after what happened he would just be fine.

You knew you would always be there for him, but you supposed you didn’t think it would be this hard.

You placed your face in your hands.

How the hell could you help him? You felt as though Keigo was on the edge of a mountain, and you were the only thing he could grab onto, but now, he was pulling you down with him.

A small, shaky sigh escaped you.

Crunch, crunch.

Footsteps. Fast approaching, almost running.

You cocked your head up, preparing to be kicked off whoever's land that you were on (considering how you just decided to drive to the middle of nowhere).

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought that this was public-”

But you stopped mid-sentence.

There stood Keigo, tears streamed down his cheeks, his panting breaths and sweat glistening from his body must have meant he came all the way out here on foot.

Your eyes widened in surprise, but before you could get a word in, Keigo had bent down to you.

“Are you hurt?”

You shook your head, still in shock, “N-no.”

He sighed, but his face concentrated like he was thinking too hard, “I’m sorry.” and then, a long, silent pause, “I don’t...I don’t know what else to say.”

“...I don’t either,” you looked back up at him again. “You could have really hurt me, and I just don’t know how to deal with all this. I don’t know how to deal with...you.”

Keigo flinched, the implications of your words stung.

“It’s just...I want to be there for you, I really do, but it’s so hard,” you looked down tears threatening to escape, “I love you s-so much, b-but,” a silent hiccup went through you, “I don’t know how to help anymore.”

Keigo stayed silent, his words trapped under his tongue. He also didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to help himself too, but he knew deep down he couldn’t. He didn’t know how. But he hated what he was doing to you, he hated what he was making you go through.

“Keigo,” he looked back up at you, “Do you still love me?”

Keigo stared wide-eyed back to you, his words at a loss. “I- of course, I do Y/N-”

“Then why don’t you say it?”

He paused, “...What do you mean?”

You sighed, “Have you noticed that ever since what happened, you’ve not been able to say ‘I love you,' to me? Because I have. Each morning I wake up, and I always say, ‘good morning Kei, I love you,’ and you never say it back. It feels like I’m just invisible to you. I don’t want to look at you as something to fix, or as something to make me feel miserable, but I can’t live with someone who just sees me like a ghost.”

It took a while before Keigo finally responded.

“I don’t see you as a ghost,” he said, his voice as low as a whisper, “it’s that I see me as the ghost. I lost...I lost a big part of me in that fight.”

Subconsciously, he reaches back to his used-to-be wings, his fingers flinching when nothing is there.

“Keigo, you are not your wings.”

“How can you say that when everything I was...was built off of them?”

You leaned forward, a hand placed lightly on his cheek, “Your wings did not build our relationship, we did. And we still have each other. Your wings were never the reason I loved you, your wings were always just a part of you, they were never you.”

Keigo looked back at you, placing a hand on top of yours. After a few, dragged-out moments, Keigo leaned into you. But not before whispering lightly on your lips, “I do love you, Y/N.”

. . .

Things were hard, but they were better.

It had been three weeks since the accident that happened with you and Keigo. He agreed to go to a therapist, after what happened with you two, he wanted to get help.

What neither you nor he expected though, was for his therapist to also recommend you get help as well.

In his words; “After understanding the stress that Mr. Takami has gone through, as well the details that he has shared with me, I believe that it is necessary for you to also have some sort of mental treatment. Keigo was not in the right state of mind for a very long time, and you were the only person here to look after him. I believe you first need to talk about your problems separately and then move on to couples therapy. Some of the actions Mr. Takami has put you through may have had negative effects on your psyche.”

Although that was a shock to you, Keigo visibly became more saddened after that.

After the conversation with the therapist, Keigo even offered to move out of your shared room.

“If- if you’re uncomfortable with me being here, I can take the spare room.”

You only shook your head no, saying, “I’m not uncomfortable sleeping next to you, Kei, we’re in this together.”

And you were.

Keigo went to his therapist, as did you. At first, you weren’t sure, seeing as Keigo and you would see the same person and how that may make a conflict of interest, but he assured you that Keigo dealt with trauma relating to his fight, as did you of course, but your trauma and anxiety was more based upon him.

So, you made it work.

After a while of one-on-one counseling, you moved to couples therapy.

It was hard, mostly for Keigo, because he didn’t want to admit to himself, or you, that he had hurt you as much as he did.

So, you opened first.

You talked about how scared you were of losing Keigo, not just physically but mentally, how it hurt you that some days he wouldn’t talk to you. You even opened up about missing the old him.

It seemed like when you first opened your mouth, everything just came pouring out.

And so, after you explained your side, slowly, Keigo started to explain his.

He explained how he didn’t want to hurt you, but how he just couldn’t help himself in that moment. He felt like everyone was turning on him, abandoning him, he thought it was only a matter of time before you. And he couldn’t handle how that thought chased him, his mind just became so jumbled and uncertain.

But he wanted to get better, to show you the man you deserved.

Soon, you came to realize how your relationship would never be the same since that day, how you had lost a part of Keigo, and how Keigo had lost a part of himself. And that part, that part split you two, like a deep cut, and now you two had to sew it back together, and you both knew it would be hard.

Losing that part of your life took time, it took practice and understanding, it took watching Keigo wake up in a nightmare, watching as he screamed and all you could do was hush him and stroke his cheek softly as you told him how you were there, even as tears slipped down your cheeks as well.

But you let them, you let yourself show him that you were sharing the pain, that you were together in this.

Keigo was hurting, you knew that, but as your therapist told you; “You are grieving, grieving for that Keigo that died in that battle, and not only are you grieving, you are also trying your best to take care of someone who was already so broken that now they might as well be shards of the vase they once were.”

But that didn’t stop you from explaining how you felt selfish and terrible, how you felt like you were a bad person for feeling upset, for wanting Keigo to go back to you.

After each therapy session, you two would go out and sit on the porch, not doing or saying anything, because you both realized you had said plenty before.

. . .

After a year since then, things had gotten significantly better.

Keigo and you understood the inner workings of your relationship, not only that, you both understand each other a lot better. Understanding how you both needed one another, how you two could only grow to help each other.

Almost a year has passed since the incident with Dabi, a year since Keigo “lost” his wings.

But his wings were back, and he was back.

Although, maybe not fully.

Keigo was almost like a different vision of himself, a more, down to earth, real version of who he was.

Maybe, it was the person he always was, but just never could show it.

With you, he was the most caring he’s ever been.

Watching as you fell asleep in his arms, creasing your body oh-so-perfectly as he kissed you deeply, his sing-song praises in your ear. He loved you so much.

And you, you helped him grow as well. Being there for him, watching him, helping him.

You never left him, you carried out your promise to yourself, keeping him with you no matter what. You loved him so much, and you were so happy to see how he healed.

And here you both were, Watching as the sunset, as the ocean waves tied down, the sun Illuminating the water passing over.

You watched as Keigo’s eyes lit up in the bright light, his scar’s still reflecting the hard past that he's been through, and yet, reminding you how lucky you are.

At that moment you leaned in, giving him a light peck on his cheek.

Keigo turned to you, before laughing, “Why did you do that?"

"Because... I just realized how lucky I am to have you. Thank you, Keigo.”

"There's no need to thank me, dove," he said, kissing you as well "I'll always love you, and I always will be thankful that I have you as well."

#bnha #bnha hawks #mha #hawks #mha keigo takami #hawks x reader #keigo takami #hawks x y/n #takami keigo x reader #bnha keigo #keigo x reader #keigo x y/n #mha keigo x reader #mha x reader #hurt to comfort #x readers #hawks imagine #fanfic hawks

[11byers]

Talk to us girl! What else do you have to say about El's arcs through the seasons and motherly love? I want to hear THIS content, f*ck all the ship wars!!

i’m so sorry this took actual months to reply to, i’m not gonna get into why just.... hi anon, ty for your patience 😭 tbh i'm not sure if i'm saying anything new, but this is almost 3k words long so hopefully i'm offering something

a few things to note before i delve into everything, bc this is a gendered topic:

el identifies w femininity, even after being raised in a lab w just a number as a name, essentially raised w/o any real gender constructs set in place, or at least not enough to understand gender fundamentally. but she identifies w femininity, as seen in the way she gravitates to feminine symbols in her surroundings. and it's interesting how her relationships w female characters are always given a bit of attention

the way fathers are portrayed on this show is... notable. we've got el's father figure brenner, as well as kali's relationship w brenner, steve's dad is apparently an asshole, ted is ted (not the worst but isn't much anyways), billy's dad been abusive his whole stay, lonnie is a danger to society, and hopper, although arguably redeemable and has been given more attention since he's a central character…… hasn't been the best all the way through. lucas' dad was p alright and dustin……… doesn't have one 🙃

meanwhile we got joyce who's the best parent in this entire show PERIOD absolutely beautiful amazing talented show-stopping etc etc, there's karen who almost slept w a minor but made a last minute decision not to (karen is a work in progress and i have a lot of thoughts about her i'm not gonna get into), dustin's mom is cute (a bit dopey but cute), lucas' mom is also cute, billy's mom is practically portrayed as an angel, and terry……… poor poor terry.

anyways there's a very clear difference.

st1

the topic of el and motherhood doesn’t really get tackled until st2, but i'm gonna go through this season by season. bc, spoiler alert, i'm fairly certain joyce will be el's mother/mother figure once the show's wrapped up. we can even say that's already happened after st3's ending, but ofc we're still in need of more personal relationship development.

basically, i believe el's relationship w motherhood, and her idea of mothers has a lot to do w joyce.

joyce is essentially el's "standard" (for lack of a better term) for what a mother is supposed to be.

someone might have to correct me on this, but i like to think that joyce is the first example of motherly love that el truly experiences (other than briefly seeing terry in the lab). not even when they first meet tho, but when the boys sneak el into the school and she "channels" will through the p.a. system.

when she hears joyce trying to comfort will and tell him to hide (which in itself messes me up bc depending on your take on the demogorgon, that shit is heart wrenching), i can only imagine what el might be thinking. what will has in joyce is completely different from what el has in brenner 😭

el's (as well as the show's tbh) view of fathers are very different from her view of mothers. fathers are demanding, ruthless, and cold. but she sees joyce, and she thinks mothers are passionate, caring, and protective, and all of that translates through a p.a. system when el hears joyce's desperation. i'm sure el sees a lot of herself in will - his fear and desperation, his terror of being in the upside down, describing it as cold and dark, just like the chamber brenner locks her in, or even the void, the water tank, her own room even - which only makes joyce's impression on her so much stronger.

and in ep7 'the bathtub' when el gets to have a one-on-one w joyce, there are certain points in that scene that parallel her and brenner, and i think that only hammers home el's idea of what mothers are and what they should be.

joyce promises her a presence. joyce is able to be there for her, comfort her, even when el is in a place like the void, that's just emptiness and darkness all around. she hears joyce's voice, and for once she's not alone. and it's nice to think she's w joyce and will in these moments, when she's in castle byers and she can act as a connection to will and joyce (a-and jonathan, sorry i don't really mention him throughout this piece, i didn't even expect to mention will this much, but jon's important too, we love a parental big brother).

it's shown how scared el can be moment to moment. the second will fades from her, she cries for him and curls up into a ball, and once she's out of the upside she latches onto joyce - and gosh the dependability!! joyce is there for her just like she promised.

this makes el meeting her own mother fuking heartbreaking.

st2

this idea of a mother sticks w el this whole time, and her idea of fathers doesn't get any better. i don't think el even pictures hopper as any kind of father figure, definitely not yet, but as a "friend," hence her shouting at him "friends don't lie". it's not until they're fighting and she shouts "you are like papa!" that it all comes full fuking circle!!

(it's the way hopper leaves her alone for hours, like how brenner isolates her in a dark chamber. it’s how in both instances, she’s still isolated from society. it's the way hopper sets rules for her that don’t allow to act instinctively on her own. it's him telling her "you wanna go back in the lab? i can make that happen." it's damaging shit. it's triggering.)

then el finds out that hopper lies to her again, but this time it's about her mother, which……..

that scene of her breaking down, crying for her mama, is so sad. idk what else to say, everything that happens from this point on is sad!!!!!!! 

fast forward to el reaching terry and becky's house. i can't even imagine what el feels when she meets her mom for the first time……… and terry is in the state that she's in. barely responsive.

but i can say how el's guilt is continuously brought up time and time again, bc when she sees terry's memories and sees how determined terry was to get her back, the lengths she went through - it's all just like joyce. her expectations of a mother stays intact.

only, unlike joyce and will, things don't work out in the end for el and terry. terry suffers for trying to get el back. and it wouldn’t be surprising if that fed into el’s guilt.

(also, this has bothered me ever since first watch, but terry is portrayed w a bit of hostility when el returns. when el meets her in the void, and she's says she's home, terry tells her "no" and grabs her arm, triggering terry's memories. it's lead me to ask myself if terry holds resentment for el, and for the price terry had to pay....... or maybe it was just for dramatic scary horror, i’m not entirely sure.)

there's this moment right after el comes out of the void and back into reality, and becky tries to comfort her. bc of terry's unavailability, it's a possibility that becky could've been the mother figure that el needed. but the awkwardness in this moment - in how terry tries to comfort el, but el is still visibly shook and doesn't hug back, unlike her moment w joyce in st1, when el practically clings to her - kinda foreshadows how things just aren't gonna work out so ideally.

this next bit regarding el avenging terry may or may not be a lil "out there" but i think it's interesting to think about.

el views finding kali as something terry wants her to do. and kali echoes that sentiment. kali essentially acts as this one last tether el has to terry, which may be why she thinks of kail as a sister.

i have a lot of thoughts about el's self worth, her morality, her means of protecting others no matter what she suffers. i’m not about to go on a tangent, but just to get the main idea out there: el straddles a line between viewing herself as a monster and viewing herself as a protector, and anything outside of that feels is out of her reach.

what kali gives her is a chance to sorta explore that monstrous side of herself - the side that is willing to hurt others, even when there's no one in immediate danger to protect.

but kali is her last tether to her mother. and what kali is asking her to do clashes w what she pictures a mother is meant to do. i'm not saying kali is some kind of mother figure, nor is that really the bigger picture. but finding kali is something terry "told" her to do. it all plays a part in the scene when they confront the man that followed brenner's orders, ray carrell.

would terry actually want this for el?

el sees a photo of that ray and his daughters, and reminds herself of what she wants, what she yearns for, and what she's been deprived of. the reason why she feels so much pain, and is having so much trouble healing. and she chooses to protect the children - to prioritize the children - instead of giving in to the monster inside of her planted by brenner.

kali has different values. she's chosen a different path for herself. we're never really sure what kali knows about her own past, who she's met in her life, but we do know that she's lost people, and she doesn't have much of a connection to terry despite el considering her a sister.

and that comes full circle when kali makes el see brenner.

the words brenner uses here are technically just kali's words, since she told el the same things and brenner in this scene is just an image created by kali. but that's what makes this scene so brilliant. this scene is kali talking to el, but she’s masked as brenner.

brenner tells people they're sick. kali still believes she's sick. kali hasn't healed despite claiming to - instead she's become a mirror to brenner.

this is el's view of fatherhood: demanding, ruthless, and cold. brenner hurt el, and bc of all that hardship, el is in danger of becoming a mirror to brenner. and unfortunately, this is what kali has succumbed to. kali has failed to realize the monster she's so convinced that she is, is a concept completely fabricated by brenner. 

this is what leads el back to her friends. just like how terry did everything in her power to save el and suffered devastating consequences, el returns to her friends to wholeheartedly put herself in that very position.

it's so touching to see el and joyce hug. although, joyce is still "will's mom" to el (she even refers to her as such in st3). but she still holds that connection to the byers family. el still prioritizes will's safety, just as she prioritized the kids back in chicago.

now to briefly cover what el and hopper's reconciliation means for this topic - it's a very vulnerable scene. one of the most vulnerable scenes in the entire show. el and hopper allow themselves to understand and relate to each other, through guilt and trauma and emotion, and bc of the profound impact of this conversation, hopper is…… enough. it’s still uncertain that el considers hopper as a father figure, but at this point she lost her mother, and she lost kali, and hopper lost sarah. they have each other though. and it gives both of them the chance to finally begin to heal.

el channels the anger she feels being deprived of a mother to close the gate. but the gate's essentially a scar still struggling to heal. 

st3

it may be a mystery to no one that i'm not a big fan of st3, and there's not a lot to talk about in terms of el and joyce. couple notes about them tho, before we get into the real shit that happened this season

hopper asks if joyce could talk to el and mike for him, which she turns down, so they're deliberately being kept apart by the writers (i also feel like we have v limited knowledge of what joyce thinks of el, so she might be keeping her distance for reasons i'm not really sure of yet).

it's cute to think about how hopper's letter isn't just hopper's letter, but it's joyce's letter to el as well. el just doesn't know it.

let's talk about billy's mom.

el's relationships w female characters on this show always seem to be given a lil extra layer. and el's immediate draw towards billy's mom is so charming to watch. she calls her "pretty" and feels as if she's is looking at her, all before she even finds out who the woman is.

once again, the standard for motherhood on this show is enforced by billy's mom and her literal angel-like presence. she's good to billy, she allows him the freedom of doing what he loves, but not before warning him that dad might get mad!! great!!

billy goes through very similar phases that el went through

his father is abusive, and hurts both billy and the mother

billy loses his mom

the lack of proximity to his mom eventually leads him to mirror the toxicity of his father

the moments that el seems to recognize rather quickly are when billy's dad is being abusive, billy desperately wanting his mom to come home, and billy quickly succumbing to toxicity.

we've explored this pattern in previous seasons, so it's pretty easy to piece together, even within a quick montage.

so when el has her moment w billy, reminding him of his mom, it's so incredibly powerful. when you think about how much this moment upon, after everything that happened in the previous 2 seasons, it just hits.

just as we've discussed how motherhood throughout the show has meant prioritizing the safety of the ones you care about and protecting them against all odds, billy protects el from the mind flayer to the point of self sacrifice.

(and while i may not agree that it completely works just bc of how i feel about billy as a character, it works to tie in all these themes really well. also i'm sure there's other kinds of readings you can do on this scene, i even thought about this scene completely differently a couple months back but ANYWAYS-)

honestly, the way el comforts max in this scene...... feels kinda motherly. there's definitely something to be said about how el's not always treated as just a child - despite still learning speech, she's still been forced to grow up in other aspects of herself, and she constantly puts herself in a position to protect others. but this scene w el and max is sweet, and it's nice that max has el for that moment before el eventually moves away w the byers.

and ofc, el loses hopper this season, which in her mind leaves her parentless. joyce is there regardless (tho joyce taking over for hopper and watching over el does kinda happen in a "no explanation needed" kinda way, and i'm not really sure how i feel about that).

joyce and el have still quite a ways to go before really developing the mother-daughter relationship that feels inevitable at this point. and after hopper's death, the way this season ended, and the way joyce and el interact, there's a bit of uncertainty as to how their relationship will develop. even after the 3 month jump, they come off as rather distant from each other.

nut yeah, i'm excited for st4. after engaging in all the ship wars, and having my own gripes w how the duffers write romance, i think i'm starting to fall back in love w this show. writing this has definitely made me feel happier about the show, and made me feel excited about certain aspects of the show that might've been in the back of my mind, but now it's all at the forefront.

i really do love el as a character, and joyce might be a very close second, if not at the same level as el. their stories have been leading towards each other since the beginning and i can't wait until we get the payoff.

i hope someone reads this lol. again i’m sorry this took months......... depression uh anon, i hope this is what you wanted 😂 and if anyone feels compelled to add on feel free to do so 😊………. hopefully it's positive lol

#hopefully this ends up in the tags bc wow this is long and i wanna know other peoples thoughts!! #stranger things #st meta #el hopper #joyce byers #kali #op tag #anonymous

[itadoryryoken]

pyramid head x soft reader

Some would describe it as an infinite ocean of flames and lava, where it’s eternally melting-hot, and a bunch of hooved, horned, tailed red demons torture you with acid, with their red pitch forks, or boil you alive in their cauldron for soup. Or maybe you just get tortured by Stalin, who knows?

But never would have anyone thought that ‘Hell’ could look so…Normal. Well, normal in a very demolished, desolate, ravished way, but still…Normal, by human standards. Albeit, the never-ending loop of madness, anguish, agony and desperation of getting killed in different gruesome ways or fleeing for their lives and feeling a myriad of emotions pumping adrenaline through their veins so badly that their anxiety-meter skyrocketed to abnormal levels.

All this darkness, this hatred, this…Everything…It changed all the survivors. They became selfish, stubborn, rude, some even went as far as to sacrifice their fellow survivors in trials, just so they could survive. It was a complete mayhem that defied all kinds of reason, normality, morality or even ethics. Everyone became devoid of any laws that used to bind them to their humane sides, and now, you weren’t sure if the killers were saner than the survivors or not.

But even in this abyss where you couldn’t even see your hand in front of your very eyes, there was a little star - A beautiful angel radiating brightness and warmth, someone who was somehow able to guide everyone’s straying souls with her benevolence.

In reality, she was merely a survivor, not the little lantern from an angler fish’s head, but she treated everyone with such an untainted kindness…It was beautiful, and yet, unrequited for most parts. Everyone was still putting their own lives above all - And who could condemn them? - Perhaps their cowardice, for the girl preferred to save her fellow survivors as much as possible, even if that oftentimes assured her place on the hook, to be a sacrificial lamb for the Entity.

On the other hand, she rarely ended up on the hook - Most killers prefer to kill her themselves, instead of letting her become pray for the horrible Entity who tortured so many of them for refusing to cooperate - The Trapper, Evan MacMillan - He knew the best, with those hooks digging into his flesh, impossible to extract. He was the first to protect this girl. It wasn’t much, but if he had to, he’d rather give her a swift, painless death, than seeing her without that serene, angelic smile on her face, as the Entity feeds on the last bits of her soul’s beauty, the last parts of her humanity.

The other Killers were confused at the Trapper’s actions, but little by little, they began to understand why this girl was so precious and special - And this domino effect hit Rin Yamaoka next, with Y/N stopping in the middle of a chase and taking off her jacket, just as Rin was about to butcher her with her katana, and she smiled, extending it to her. 'You must be cold’ she said, realising that the Spirit was merely wearing a few bandages, not even her school uniform, or her kimono.

The ghost girl was shaken up by this, and told the others at the killer camp, but they just shrugged it off - Rin was a little girl who faced close to no kindness, they weren’t surprised she was so taken aback by such a feat. That is, until Adiris, in a particularly terrible day, when everyone at the camp was staying away from her, as her profane censer wasn’t able to cover the stench of rotting flesh - Y/N came over, taking out a small yet elegant glass bottle with pink liquid on it, spraying some on her - And now, The Plague smelled of roses and vanilla - 'You can come to me for perfume whenever you want, I always carry some with me!’ she grinned at the Babylonian High Priestess, before leaving back to the survivor’s camp site, leaving the ancient God symbol to stare with her mouth agape at the girl.

These words began to spread, and it was no surprise when the killers saw Susie clinging and begging her Legion friends to spare Y/N, for she was there to hug away her worries more than once, to tell her sweet words, to play with her hair and play the guitar whatever songs she wanted to hear, to get reminded of her home - She was so home sick that she freaked out, but now she was better, thanks to Y/N - 'I know you miss home, but sometimes, home is where your best friends are, and all three of them are here!’she tried to encourage the cute pink-haired girl who could only squeal and hug her new friend.

Even Ghostface wasn’t exempt from falling to her charms, and they would often take silly selfies and mess around, making fun of the old horror movie tropes and doing lots of puns and pranks - So much that she even got his trust to be told about the Danny/Jed thing, and how he began his killer profession - 'You’re a very talented photographer, Danny! You deserved all that recognition you got, both as a journalist, and as a killer!’

And very soon, Y/N found herself in the crushing arms of an overprotective Anna, humming her mother’s lullaby together with walking through the forest, Y/N making flower crows for all the female killers at the camp site, and little by little, she somehow managed to worm her way under everyone’s skins.

Y/N was the survivor with the highest survivability percentage, and maybe the Entity sometimes got pissed off, but at least she still got killed sometimes, so who cares? Well, that was soon to change as soon as a new Killer was added to this sick game - Pyramid Head, the terror of Silent Hill, as Cheryl, the new Survivor, called him - or The Executioner, as he was known now. He was ruthless, merciless, grotesque - He had his own criteria of killing, his own moral compass, ethics, conscience and understanding of the concept of life and death. Nothing that could compare to the visions of humans, clearly - Everything was gravitating around Divine Retribution and Justice, but the from the outside, he was nothing but a killing machine.

He would kill everyone and anyone that crosses his path, without fail.

Y/N felt like her fortune ended completely the second she found herself in the new, overly cramped map, with Pyramid Head as the killer - She couldn’t help but run around like a spazzic meerkat, trying to find and fix as many generators as possible, without having to get face to face with the walking hazard…

Only to run past a stuck Pyramid Head.

Slowly backtracing her steps, she saw the mountain of a man with his metal pyramid stuck in the frames a low window which he tried to walk over. He was trashing like a raged bull trying to attack a matador, but it was clear he was getting nowhere with this.

“H-Hey, u-uhm…Need some help?” she asked in a soft, careful voice, almost like a meek cat trying to test the waters, but in return, he started groaning even louder from the wrath he wanted to unleash upon the whole world. “Okay, uhm…I think I saw a can of vaseline in one of the chests around. I’ll go fetch it and I’ll come back for you. Don’t move.” she said, only to then realise how horrible that sounded, considering the situation, and it only seemed to anger the killer. “…I’m sorry, ignore me, I’m an idiot.”she slapped herself pretty harshly before bolting out of there trying to find the chest.

However, Y/N cursed herself for not having perfectly memorised the whole map by heart already, since she found the vaseline can after the 3rd chest, and then, it took quite a while to find the bloody window that got the killer stuck - And by the time she got there, she was dead tired. “Okay, I’m here, I found the vaseline! Let’s try to get you out of here.” Y/N muttered as she put her feet on the low window pane to get to his level. “If it’s not too much trouble, could you please hold onto me? I can’t balance myself with both hands occupied, and I’d rather not fall.” she explained as she opened the vaseline can, only to shiver as she felt two big, strong hands getting a firm grip on her hips. It was almost…Endearing, were she not too busy trying to get the killer unstuck. She kept massaging the metal edge, trying to push and pull, also praying to whatever deity that existed in her human world that she had her tetanus shot done on time - Until finally, she was able to get hear a loud screech, like a pop, and the killer got unstuck, and in the process, he stumbled backwards, while Y/N fell down on her butt.

“Ouchie…” she muttered, rubbing her back and sides to take away the pain surging through her body. “Are you okay?” she asked, almost intuitively, without realising it at first, until she heart a low grunt that brought her back to reality. “O-Oh…! You have glass shards stuck in your side! And you’re bleeding too! Hold up, let me help.” she hurried to his side, while the killer merely stiffened, feeling her delicate, slender fingers tracing his body, while he heaved and slouched his shoulders from the repressed wrath. “It may sting a bit, and I’m really sorry, but I promise it will be better soon.” her voice was so motherly and warm, which also resonated in her actions, as she gingerly took a water bottle and imbued some tissues with it, to wipe away the blood smearing down his skin as she extracted the glass shards, and then…“This is grandma’s marigold ointment. It’s really good, and it smells nice.” she explained as she carefully smeared a thick layer of the yellow ointment on the biggest wounds, while the little ones were covered by smiley-flower patterned plasters. They were cute, and colourful, and they never failed to make her smile. “Okay, there we go, all better! I hope you’ll feel better very soon!” her voice got a tiny bit more cheerful and upbeat.

It made the Killer think about a trillion things, as he stepped in front of her, towering over her like the Empire states building next to a smiling pomeranian. What was with this girl? Why did she help a killer? And why did he feel so…Warm inside? He could sense a foreign kind of luminosity, a naivite and innocence that he only witnessed in children and animals. This woman in front of him was untainted by the darkness and evil of the world.

It didn’t matter how many hardships she’s been through, or how much sadness she had to endure - Her soul remained as pure as any snowdrop, as the first snow of winter, as the fleece of a baby lamb who let out its first 'meeeeh’ to its mamma sheep.

He couldn’t allow this human to be maimed in any way - Not by the world, not by the Entity, and certainly not by him. - Screw the Entity, Pyramind Head kills by his own rules, and now, he was blessed to be faced with a human who bore no real hatred for her peers, or for the world, despite the horrible situation she was thrown into.

He didn’t understand, obviously, especially as he remembered the myriad of abominations that lurked through Silent Hill, all of them created by the torment of humans - The very torment that distorted their own reality, which resulted in him needing to solve the purpose as The Executioner - Eradicating the world of all evil.

“Th-This sword is so heavy…H-How can you carry this around like that…?! Your muscles must be so strained and sore…Y-You really need a massage, I’m sure.” she stuttered as she tried to lift the much taller and heavier sword from the ground, only for the brute to simply bend and pick it up with extreme ease, putting the girl to shame with her complete lack of strength. “Hehe…You’re really strong. I’m embarrassed now.” she chuckled softly, scratching the back of her neck.

Before she could leave or do anything else, Pyramid Head picked her up by the throat, careful not to hurt her or restrict her air intake - I mean, how else was he supposed to carry her so he wouldn’t hurt her with his metal head or sword? - and it was pretty clear she didn’t feel any malevolence from him, as she clinged on his forearm, trying to keep herself up, only to be dumped on top of the hatch, as the killer pointed towards it, so she would leave.

“O-Oh…! Thank you so much! You’re really kind! I really appreciate this…I-I know it probably doesn’t matter much to you, since you’ll be doing this over and over again with all the survivors…But I really appreciate you for your kind gesture, and I appreciate you for being so nice with me. Thank you. Take care!” her dazzling smile lit the whole place up, but he couldn’t talk, nor could he tell her how he should be the one thanking her for showing him that, despite the hundreds and thousands of years he had to roam the 'Earth’ and execute the injust, miracles still existed.

As soon as she reached the survivor’s camp, everyone cheered for her, asking how in the world could she have escaped the wrath of the butcher. “Oh, but he wasn’t that bad. In fact, he’s much more humane than I anticipated! I think he has a beautiful, blooming heart!” okay, she’s lost it - the other survivors thought - but even so, she’s always been a bit…Out of it, so who cares?

It took quite a while for the other three survivors to reach the camp, all bloody, in fact, like the new killer, who dragged himself with the same menace to the Killers’ camp. “How the hell did you manage to survive?!” they yelled at her in utter shock, seeing that she got out of there unscratched. “Oh, you see…I found the hatch.” she shrugged simply, not wanting to give away that the person who massacred those three was a soft one and he basically threw her down the hatch to her safety.

As she took a twig to roast a marshmallows, she noticed how Pyramid Head was standing much farther away from the rest of the killers - She knew that silent killers were bound to stay away from the more obnoxious one, remembering how Michael Myers almost killed Ghostface and The Legion at least a dozen times - But this time…He seemed kinda…Lonely? So Y/N took the matters into her own hands, roasted another marshmallow in another twig, and when it was done, she went to the killer’s camp, calling out the lonely one’s name - She has no idea why, but he actually followed her, pushing her further deep into the forest, until he was sure nobody was going to hear, see or interrupt them…

“Hey. You seemed pretty lonely out there…I thought you could use a friend. Thank you again for what you did at the trial…Here, this is a marshmallow. I don’t think you’ve had many before…Cheryl told me of that horrible place you had to live in…So I hope this will make your day a bit better!” Y/N extended one of her hands towards him, so he could take the marshmallow - And a long, black tongue erupted from underneath the pyramid, snatching away the fluffy marshmallow and gulping it in one go.

What the hell was he turning into?

A towering man built of pure muscle, wrath and divine justice, with a pyramid representing the evil of humanity burdening his body, and a sword taller and heavier than the average human being constantly dragged in one of his hand…He now was a slave to a cute, innocent girl who was putting flower plasters on his minuscule wounds that would heal in a heartbeat regardless - He saved this girl who was now offering his these soft, squishy things that tasted overly sugarly, just like her upbeat and cheerful personality - If he could eat her, he was sure she would taste even sweeter than this - A sickish kind of sweet, that is.

She was indeed a beautiful angel in this tragic hell. But he didn’t wait to snatch the second marshmallow either.

“Ah…! You liked it, didn’t you? Well…Next time, I promise I’ll give you more!” she grinned at him the same way a princess would to her chivalrous knight who saved her. The since he couldn’t talk, silence took over them - It wasn’t an uncomfortable one, per se, but it made it feel as if the conversation was over. “W-Well…I’ll guess I’ll see you around! Take care and I hope to see you again soon!” she waved cutely, trying to turn around back to her camp, only to feel a rough hand on her shoulder, turning her around and urging her to stop and wait for him and he went deep into the forest, leaving her alone and undefended by the potential malevolent forces of the forest.

When he returned, however, he stepped right in front of her, creating the perfect shade as he towered over her - Then he kneeled in front of her, so he would reach her eye sight, then he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and put a beautiful pink flower - As pink as the blush that started creeping on her face - He wanted to see her luminous face better, to highlight her dazzling smile and her glimmering eyes as the warm, silver light of the mother moon caressed her face.

Y/N felt her heart picking up the pace - It was beating so much faster than ever before - But this time, it wasn’t out of fear or anything negative…It was something good. Something she never felt in her life, especially with her human acquaintances from back home. None was as chivalrous and gentle with her as this butcher of tormented souls - The bringer of justice, the merciless Executioner who was supposed to end the life of every living being that would cross his path.

It was insane how every Yin finds its Yang, even if that comes in the form of a little lamb of a small, frail girl, and a huge abomination of a brute man who knows nothing but death, bloodshed and carnage. It was truly crazy how opposites attract, and here she was, holding the killers large hands and gingerly putting them on her face, leaning into his touch - She felt safer now than ever in her life - Now, in the arms of an ancient killer.

An Angel and A Demon brought together in a perfect union.

As she leaned down, she touched the metal of the pyramid where she anticipated his forehead would be with her own forehead, and closing her eyes, she finally felt herself calming down. There was no need for words, actions spoke louder than anything, and she appreciated it…She appreciated him.

“Thank you.” she whispered to him, knowing that yes, even though nobody else would hear it anyway, it was much more intimate than anything she ever experienced.

She was hooked.

📷

[amenomiko]

HI DARLINGGGG 😍😍😍😍😍💕💕💕💕💕💕! Thank you for the request HEWHEW I LOVE this kind of storyline 👀👀👀👀💕💕💕💕💕! Oh, FYI, I made this story into two parts! Turns out that my story is too long to the point I have to split it 🤣 @ikemen-girl

Retrieve That Smile Again (Part 1)

Pairing: IkeSen Ieyasu x MC (Reader)

Type: One Shot

Rated: Angst + Fluff

❤💛🧡❤💛🧡❤💛🧡❤💛🧡❤💛🧡❤

SLAP!!

"..Don't touch me with your filthy hands."

Frozen ice.

That is the best word, the perfect word to describe the air within the council hall right now.

His fellow warlords, even his lord, were utterly speechless with the scene in front of them. Her, in the middle of the room, staring down coldly at him, whose cheek is burning from her slap; a slap that is... No, it is an unexpected thing that caught him off guard, enough to make him lose his balance and stumble backwards from the impact.

"Enough with your contrary words; nothing but a mere facade-- there is no need to proof anything anymore, with what you have caused, with what you have made me the way I am right now."

Her grimness changed impromptu the moment she turned to Nobunaga, "Now, if you would excuse me. I would like to begin my journey to Kasugayama, Nobunaga."

She walked pass him, the bewildered Ieyasu, before Nobunaga give his approval.

......

"Ieyasu.. Are you.."

Hideyoshi stops himself, clenching his fists tightly until it turns white. "She.. Has really changed."

"Our pure, lively Chatelaine. To a cold, ruthless Princess." Mitsuhide added, shrugging to his lord, "She, someone who hesitate to end one's life, wouldn't think twice to do it now."

"...It's my fault." Ieyasu started, gritting his teeth. "For pushing her away back then."

"Indeed you are." Nobunaga scoffed, "It has damaged her so much on the inside few months back."

Really.

She was broken back then.

----

"I know I am just a nuisance to you- n-no- I AM a nuisance, even from the beginning.. But- Ieyasu, I--"

She pursed her quivering lips, hands clenching on her kimono tightly as she continued, "M-my feelings are true. This is not for the spur of the moment, just because you gave me that earrings back then, f-for my reward in practising archery of course..! A-and-"

"....Can you make it quick? I don't have all day." He huffed, rolling his eyes and look away from her, making her more flustered than ever. "I- I'm sorry..! What I'm trying to say is..!"

She can do this..! She can do this..! She chanted the spell within her thumping chest; this is the hopeless feelings that she had bloomed for him. To her, Ieyasu had done a lot for her, and love has slowly emerge to the surface, of where, it had been born just from feeling greatful towards him.

She have been in love with him, oh for how long. She even choose him over her future in her era, just to be with him. She even stayed until the end, until Nobunaga's army make an alliance with Kenshin and Shingen. So she must do this..! This is the main purpose of why she chose to stay..!

"I- I love you..! From the bottom of my heart..!"

A sniff escapes from her lips-- finally she said it..! After all this time..! She had successfully gather the last bit of her courage to--

"...Are you done?"

....Eh?

"...H-Huh?"

"...I'm asking. Are you done?"

None.

There is no single, positive expression curved on his face. Nothing but a bored look, a tired, bored look that has been forced to do something out of his willingness.

"If there's nothing else, I will leave now."

"W-wait..! Ieyasu..! What do you think of me? What is your answer?"

"Answer? What are you talking about?"

"But I just-"

"Just what?"

No.. Please. Even if he is the type to say the opposite of what he really means, this is not really the time to act that way.

"What..? An answer to your confession? What do you want it to be?"

"I didn't mean it like that, I--"

"If you expect me to say 'Thank You', or 'Yes', you are wrong. Even if we have gained an alliance, I don't have time for love right now."

"Oh- of- of course." Of course..! Just what she have been hoping? He is a warlord, of course he wanted to focus on nothing but the future just like what Nobunaga wanted. Still..

Why does it hurt so much..?

Especially when..

He is smiling gently to the Princess from neighboring country? His hand wouldn't hesitate to hold hers, to guide her in the steps of the garden, to pardon her when she accidentally fell on his chest?

Ah, of course..!

He is showing a courtesy. For the sake of Nobunaga's image. Even if.. He..

Kissed her on the cheek, rubbing it after and hold her close to him, allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder-- and--

And--

"Mmmf..!!"

"MC..!"

Hideyoshi caught her in his arms as she fall to the side. "You..! Get some medicine from Ieyasu..!"

"No."

She immediately stop the latter from doing so, shaking her head with a wry smile. "I'm good, Hideyoshi. It's just.. I'm not feeling well, that's all."

"...You are, so much."

She had... Unconsciously refuse any intake within her body ever since then. The stress has been piled up, until her body rejects to almost everything. She even force herself to eat, but then again, her fingers made its way to her throat, shoving it by force until her knuckles were injured from her own teeth, so she can push the thing that she has eaten out from her body.

It's an endless cycle, she had stop seeing people altogether as well. She had been crying, sobbing into the night; into her own world, and she would sing to herself, repeating the same words over and over again;

"Why would you bring the good memories in my life when you pushed me away like this?"

Then she will cup her face, brimming her cheeks with endless flow of tears. Again, and again,.... And... Again, and again.

Until one day,

She had stepped out from the room, her tears is no longer there, her sadness has faded away, and.. It is as if she had been born once again.

MC cut her hair, filling her days with constant training, and mastering both long and short range weapons, as well as following the lords to battlefield.

Of where,...

Her ruthless side has surfaced.

She wouldn't hesitate to kill. She wouldn't think twice to give mercy, and there is no single tears nor pity for her enemies anymore. It is up to the point she made them terrified of her, especially when she bravely pointed a sword to any of the warlord's neck.

This matter had reached to Ieyasu, and he himself were astonished to her sudden change.

There was.. A lot of misunderstanding truthfully. But it was too late.

Though,

No matter how late it is, he must do whatever he can to stop any further unnecessary killings in the future.

Hence why, when he had tried to approach her, she had treated him to how he treated her.

Yes, she had changed.

...For the worse.

-----

"A misunderstanding, you say?" She snorted. "My, who would've thought our contrary lord would lie. A bad one at that."

She said it, not even bothering to lift her head and look at him. Just like how she used to be. She.. Always has this.. Sparkles in her eyes whenever he is talking to her. Sometimes he find her staring ahead, into the clear blue sky, taking all the ample time in the world while her long hair gently blown by the soft breeze. Then, when her name is called by someone, she would immediately turned her attention to them, curving a soft smile on her lips, and eyes will see nothing but that person.

She used to be like that, especially for him, someone that she had sincerely pour her hopeless love to. She sees him as if he is her everything, he is precious, and hold everything that she have in his hands; her heart.

And yet he broke it.

Therefore right now, he must save her. From the old pain, and herself.

"I was a fool."

He finally gets her attention.

"I pushed you away.. Yes, at that time I see nothing else but to seek for strength. More power, for myself. Love was never my priority nor focus-- it's not important for me. I think that I am weak, not enough to protect someone with my abilities."

"And-- if you think that I have a special relationship with the neighboring princess, you are wrong. I was the only suitable person to act as a decoy for her back then-- she was-- here, to escape from the arranged marriage she was appointed to. Her fiancee is too old for her, and so, in order not to rouse suspicions, and to make the fiancee believe it, Lord Nobunaga had agreed and chose me to act as her lover-- that is a-"

"..Are you done?"

What..?

"I said, are you done?"

"Are you done?" That is the same line he said to her at that time.

"I--"

"Alright, finally. Now if you would excuse me."

"Wait..! MC!"

He caught her by the hand, pulling her to face him again, "I know you won't accept my apology right now, and I know you are not fully healed from what I did to you, but please..!"

"....."

"Don't kill. Don't touch those weapons again. It's not for you. Those blood that were stained on your hand is not meant for you. For you to change drastically-- because of me-- I--" He grit his teeth when the whole reasons sinks into his heart, "Please just.. Stop."

"Easier said than done."

"MC--"

"What has been done is done. There is no point to return to something that is empty like a nuisance shell to everyone around her. Well, if it isn't anyone but me." She curved a smirk, yanking her wrist away from him, "It is a path I've chosen for myself. You see, Ieyasu.."

He watched her brush her growing hair to the side. Finding himself speechless to the grim in her orbs, "I was a fool too. I chose this era, and I promise that I will even kill for you. Just to be with you. But now," A chuckle left her, "I don't need to do for the sake of being with you. I'm sick of my past that is weak and a huge weight to everyone, so I decided to kill, even. without. you."

"....." He clench his fists, swallowing the lump in his throat,

"It's for the sake of one's survival, Honey." She winked before tapping his nose and walk away.

He was left alone at the castle gate, he could only see her go, and watch her from her back. The back that represents the fragile girl, and were replaced with a back of a warrior.

"...Then so be it."

#ikemen sengoku #ikemen sengoku ieyasu tokugawa

[musclesandhammering]

I realise that I’m speaking to a very small, hyper-specific group of mutuals here, but I can’t stop thinking about this.

Amara/Chuck Parallels with Loki/Thor

The dark, misunderstood sibling that’s always been cast as the villain by essentially everyone, when- despite their cold, ruthless exterior- all they ever really wanted to do was exist as an equal to the other, and as the conflict escalated, they ended up alone, afraid, suffering, and locked away, all while the golden child prospers. And then there’s the golden child- everyone’s favourite- who (outwardly) seems to be the most benevolent and righteous of the two, but internally has a massive sense of entitlement, moral superiority, and a major violent streak. The golden child still loves their dark sibling, but not enough to acknowledge how they were wronged or allow them a sense of equality at the risk of lessening the golden child’s own standing.

Here’s some great Amara quotes (surprisingly profound considering they came from S*pernatural) that resonate with Loki, just- so much.

1.) “That’s your story, not mine.

Most of these quotes work best if you look at them from the perspective Loki would’ve had in the first Avengers film. This one, however, can be applied to just about anytime in their thousand-year relationship. Thor, if asked, would most definitely describe life in Asgard as wonderful and his relationship with Loki as perfectly good. Although Loki himself could be a bit unusual and troublesome at times, Thor would say things were mostly peachy. Whereas, if you asked Loki, he would have a completely different opinion. He’s been ostracised and villainised and tormented and made to feel inferior pretty much his whole life, and his brother is a huge part of that. He’s constantly compared to Thor and found lacking, and the fact that- even when Loki finally snapped and went off the deep end- Thor still doesn’t seem to understand that… well that certainly just throws gasoline on Loki’s Anger Fire.

2.) “The real reason… why I couldn’t be allowed to exist? You couldn’t stand it. We were equals.”

This is mostly looking back on the earlier parts of Thor 1. Thor seemed to genuinely love Loki, but almost in a way someone would love an extension of themselves (a weapon or a car or a pet or something). He likes Loki’s company, but only if Loki goes along with what Thor wants to do. He wants Loki’s advice, but only when he asks for it. He values Loki’s magic, but only to the extent of its usefulness. He loves Loki, but he loves the way Loki assists and elevates him even more. Odin isn’t as obvious with it, but there are hints that he is more interested in how Loki can improve Thor than how Loki can improve himself. He was never going to make Loki king of Asgard, but he had every intention of Loki being there for Thor once he was crowned. The people of Asgard- at least the royal family- never cared to validate or support Loki’s individual identity (especially considering it deviated so far from the asgardian norm), because he wasn’t meant to be an individual. He was meant to be an extension of his brother. And, in the end, he violently refused to do that, and that’s part of the reason he was so strongly condemned for actions that Thor and Odin were guilty of themselves.

3.) “I’d die a million times and murder you a million more before going back there!”

I know this is super controversial, but I don’t think Loki was 100% mind controlled like Selvig and Barton. I also don’t think he was 100% a terrible evil villain who planned everything extensively and gladly did Thanos’s bidding. I think, during the movie, his mind was just all over the place (“a bag full of cats” indeed). At times, he probably just wanted it to be over so he could get away from Thanos and go home. At times, he probably felt good about being The Big Badass and have people be intimidated by him after so long being intimidated by others. At times, he’s probably genuinely appalled by all the carnage he’s causing. At times, with the sceptre fueling his rage, he was probably genuinely pissed at Thor and the rest of his family and wanted to cause trouble and make him suffer. I think, in part of his mind, he’s just so done with the position of inferiority he’s occupied his entire life that he’s almost willing to go back and be tortured by Thanos again, or go to prison, or suffer a humiliating defeat by The Avengers, or cause Thor all the pain in the world, as long as he doesn’t have to go back to living in Thor’s shadow.

4.) “Sorry? What’s sorry to me? I spent… years crammed into that cage, alone and afraid, wishing- begging- for death, because of you. And what was my crime, brother?”

This could be in reference to the years Loki spent in a metaphorical cage- the second prince, in Thor’s shadow, constantly trying to get Odin’s approval- or the literal cage he probably got thrown into at some point by Thanos and his minions. I like to think of it as Option B, just for the added whump. In Avengers, or TDW, or Ragnarok, Thor expressed at least a tiny bit of regret for how things went wrong between them- and despite the fact that he never actually said “I’m sorry”- I can see Loki encountering Thor’s attempts at reconnecting and feeling entirely empty about them. In his mind, Thor was the reason Odin neglected him, Thor was the reason his plans in Thor 1 failed, Thor was the reason he felt inferior in the first place. All he ever wanted was to be Thor’s equal, and striving for that led to his fall, which led to him being put through hell by Thanos and Co. And for what? Why was he forced fo compete with his brother for his parents’ love? Why was he made to feel lesser? Why was he even put on the throne in the first place? None of that was his fault. What was his crime, really, in the beginning? Being different? Not being Thor? I think it would take a lot more than a little regret on Thor’s part to fix all that.

5.) “Tell me. If you won’t change, why should I?”

This is my favourite one! Because it’s sooo accurate. Everyone- Thor in particular- is always trying to get Loki to be less deceptive, to stop betraying people all the time, to stop scheming and causing trouble, to stop going against his family and Asgard, but no one ever acknowledges that- even as far along as Ragnarok- Thor is just as entitled, arrogant and violent as he was at the beginning of the first movie. He literally tortures Loki with an obedience disk all while giving him a self-righteous speech filled with moral superiority and judgement. So, yeah. Again, from Loki’s perspective, if Thor has consistently clung to his immaturity and refused to grow into a better person, how the hell does he have any right to tell Loki to change and be better?

6.) “It didn’t have to be like this. I loved you, brother.”

Less infuriating and more heartbreaking than the others. When everything is said and done, Loki always loved Thor. Not just that, but his one true desire was to stand shoulder to shoulder with him and be comrades, equals, brothers… rather than a royal stepping stool. The tragic thing is that, while Loki has done a lot of wrong, if Thor had- at any point before Loki went crazy in Thor 1- genuinely acknowledged Loki’s pain and apologised to him, Loki 100% would’ve stood down. He would’ve been willing to works things out and do everything he could to repair their relationship- but because Thor never did that, because he treated Loki so terribly for so long, Loki ended up hitting his breaking point and becoming malevolent. He killed tons of people, caused all kinds of damage, and ripped the family even further apart. And it’s so sad because it’s obvious that Loki is just as miserable as everyone else, and this outcome was never what Loki wanted.

Anyway, I’m done meta-ing for now. I just find it fascinating how two of my favourite characters have such similar relationship with their brothers, and how things that Amara said could’ve very easily fit into Loki’s script. Which is, you know, heartbreaking. Cause pretty much all of Amara’s lines were heartbreaking. Sigh.

#loki meta #Amara meta #amara I love you #frosty bby #brodinsons #Chuck and amara #loki laufeyson #amara spn #supernatural #Thor #long meta is long #and quotey #but hey #the mood struck #topic: Loki + Amara #fandom crossover #I really really wish I could add a cut but I’m on mobile and idek how to add one anyway so lmao

[straylightdream]

part three: please don’t leave me

featuring: Mob Boss Kim Junmyeon x reader, Bodyguard Oh Sehun x reader

Cold, wicked and ruthless we’re all words that people used to describe Junmyeon, but when it came to her he made an oath to protect her. Sehun was assigned to watch over her, he never expected for her to break down his walls.

warnings: angst, mentions of violence, injuries, death, blood, gun shot wounds, ptsd, future chapters will contain sexual content

word count: 9.4k another long one

AN: Sorry this took literally forever. Let me know what your thoughts are.

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series masterlist

It’s been a month since your first trip outside and since then you’ve been able to conquer going outside with only Sehun by your side. Things at the compound are starting to feel very different but in a good way. You see your therapist twice a week now. She sits in the library in the chair by the door while you sit on the overpriced leather couch. You talk about a range of things whether it’s about Sung or the boys you live with. She tends to ask you questions often about Sehun and Junmyeon. She seems to be very interested in your relationship with the two men who take care of you.

Sitting on the leather couch under the window you’re sitting there with your legs crossed in and held close to your body. The beautiful woman is scanning through her notes as you wait for her final questions.

“How have your trips outside been going?” she asks.

“I’m getting better. Sehun and I take solo trips out there at least once a day together,” a smile beams on your face. You’re still Immensely proud of yourself that you’re able to walk outside with just Sehun.

“That’s really good.”

She wraps up your session and Kyungsoo greets both of you at the door. He places his hand on her back and leads her out of the compound. Since starting your therapy sessions Kyungsoo has gotten a new job as your therapist’s driver. According to Jongdae, Kyungsoo likes time alone so he doesn’t mind driving her if he gets a few minutes alone in the car after dropping her off.

Sehun is standing in the hall outside of the library. He’s in a sweater with the sleeves pushed up. He’s wearing a small smile as he walks closer to you.

“How did it go?” He asks the same question he asks you every time you finish up therapy.

“It went good. Did you maybe want to get some lunch?” It’s a rare moment when you’re actually asking him to eat. Normally he’s the one asking you to eat.

“Yeah let’s have some lunch. Maybe we can convince Yixing to help cook something.”

Walking into the kitchen you luckily already find Yixing looking through the fridge. It doesn’t take much convincing to ask for him to make you and Sehun something for lunch.

Leaning against the marble island in the middle of the kitchen you can’t help but smile as you eat the delicious meal Yixing prepared for you. It’s just you and Sehun standing there eating.  He’s wearing a smile as he watches you slurp up your noodles.

“You seem really happy today,” he says speaking up. His warm eyes are locked on you as he examines you. You’ve had a really good day and you feel confident in yourself and he must notice.

“I feel really good today.”

He knits his eyebrows together as if he’s processing what he should say to you. He swallows loudly, “it makes me happy to see you like this.”

You can’t help but smile at his sweet comment, “you’re part of the reason I’m able to be happy again.”

“It might not mean anything but being around you makes me happy too. I might not show it, but I’m happy being around you,” he’s never been this open around you. Most of the time he comes off as more guarded and closed off with his emotions.

“That means a lot,” you smile.

After finishing your lunch you walk with Sehun into the foyer near the door. You find Junmyeon coming inside. The moment his eyes lock on you he smiles and lights up. He’s dressed in blue suit, he’s clearly just come back from his office.

“Hello,” he says.

“Hi Junmyeon,” you stop and give him an awkward wave.

“What are you two up to?” He asks as he glances over at Sehun who is standing next to you.

“We just finished eating. I thought about maybe going to the library,” you hadn’t really thought about what you planned on doing after eating.

“How do you feel about going outside with just me?” Junmyeon asks as he walks closer to you. His statement catches you off guard and you look up at Sehun to see his emotionless look playing across his face as he swallows loudly. Your eyes flicker back to Junmyeon who is standing in front of you. “You’re allowed to say no if you only feel safe with Sehun. You won’t hurt my feeling,” his voice has zero malicious intent behind it. You can tell he means it, that his feelings won’t be hurt.

Glancing up at Sehun you look for him for approval. You know that he doesn’t have a say in what you do, but you still want to know what he’s thinking.

“You can go with him, I’ll be inside when you get back,” his voice is low as his warm eyes lock on yours. He’s speaking to you as if Junmyeon isn’t standing right by you.

“I’ll go with you,” you finally speak.

“Sehun can you grab her coat,” Junmyeon responds.

“I’ll go get it,” you say.

At a quick pace you walk through the compound alone off to your room. You left Junmyeon and Sehun alone and you can’t help but wonder what they’re talking about. Since you moved in, Junmyeon and Sehun are rarely ever alone. Walking into your room you grab your coat that’s hanging on a hook by the door. Pulling on your grey coat you glance in the full length mirror that is on the wall close to the door. You take a deep breath repeating your mantra you’ve grown all too familiar with. “You can do this,” you repeat quietly.

Walking downstairs you find Sehun and Junmyeon right where you left them, but now Chanyeol is leaning against the wall staring at his phone.

“Ready,” Junmyeon says.

Nodding you follow him as he walks out the door. The afternoon sun is shining through the clouds as the cool autumn breeze pushes your hair away from your face. Pushing your hair behind your ears pausing for a moment. Junmyeon stops and looks at you giving you a soft smile.

“You never asked if I have my gun,” you realize that this is the first time you haven’t asked him this. You can’t help but suddenly feel proud of yourself and how far you’ve come.

“I guess I didn’t.”

“That’s a good step,” he moves so he stands closer to you. “Would you like to take my arm?” It’s a simple gesture but it makes a smile tug at your lips. Silently you nod gently placing your hand on his bicep. He stares at you for a moment before he starts leading toward the rose garden.

Standing in the sea of red roses you can feel him staring at you. Looking up you give him a soft smile tilting your head to the side.

“What are you thinking about?” You can’t help but wonder what the most powerful man in the city is thinking about. He seems so lost in his own thoughts.

“I’m just thinking about how far you’ve come,” he removes your hand from his arm and moves so he’s standing in front of you. “That night when Chanyeol carried you into the compound with a gunshot wound I was worried about you. I was more worried than I should have been—,” he pauses and stares at you as if he’s trying to process what exactly he should say. “I promised your brother I would look after you no matter what, and for a while there I felt like I was really letting him down,” his words feel like a sledgehammer hitting you in the chest. He feels an immense amount of responsibility to make sure you get better. “I’m the reason you lost your brother, and I’m the reason you got shot. I’m the reason you literally couldn’t go outside for months,” his voice is shaking as if he’s losing control of his emotions. He’s always so strong willed and it’s suddenly like that slipping away.

Without even thinking you reach up reaching your hand in his cheek, “this isn’t your fault. I’m not broken because you.”

He knits his eyebrows together, “I never said you were broken.”

“Myeon, I’m going to be okay. This just takes time, just like my gunshot wound, somethings don’t heal overnight. Look how far I’ve come. I used to not be able to go outside without five men and now I’m standing here for just you,” your hand hasn’t left his cheek.

Reaching up he gently rests his hand on top of you, “this is new to me. Everything that is happening is new. It’s just been me and the circle for so long. I’ve been closed off for a very long time,” he seems so vulnerable as he’s speaking to you.

“It’s okay everything is new to me too. We’re learning everything together—“ you pause as he pulls his hand away from yours. “I’m healing more and more each day with the help of you, Sehun, and the boys,” his face drops a little at the mention of Sehun’s name.

“I’m glad you have someone like Sehun who makes you feel safe,” he steps away from your touch leaving you suddenly feeling cold.

“You also make me feel safe.”

A small smile tugs on his lips.

“I’m happy I make you feel safe.”

Walking away from you he walks towards a rose bush. You watch as he pulls his pocket knife out of his pants pocket. Ever so carefully he cuts a long stem rose like he’s done in the past. He cuts off the thorns and holds it out for.

“I’ll never get over how beautiful all these roses are,” you say taking the rose in your hand.

“There is something special about these roses,” he says looking around at the sea of blood red roses.

You spend about thirty minutes walking around the garden with Junmyeon. The whole time you’re outside you feel at ease and not worried.

Walking inside you find Sehun standing near the door waiting for you. The moment your eyes lock on him he smiles. He steps forward but stops quickly and tilts his head to the side as if he’s waiting for you to make the next move. You feel Junmyeon’s hand on your lower back for a short moment and you glance at him to see him nod at you before he walks off towards his office. You’re left standing alone with Sehun in the foyer.

“How did it go?” He asks, finally speaking.

“It was nice,” you aren’t sure how exactly you can even describe your short trip with Junmyeon.

“That’s good.”

“I’ll leave you two alone. I need to talk to Chanyeol and Minseok,” Junmyeon nods before heading up the stairs towards his office.

“Did you want to maybe watch a movie or a rerun of an older show or something?” you ask.

“I think Jongdae and Jongin are watching something if you don’t mind joining them,” he says standing in front of you.

“I’m okay joining them.”

-

A few days have passed and you're sitting in the dining room eating breakfast with Sehun, Baekhyun, and Kyungsoo. The sound of Junmyeon's voice catches your attention. Looking up you see him and Minseok walking into the dining room. He sits down at his normal spot at the far end of the table. You watch as he flips through a file with his eyebrows pushed together. He looks frustrated as a heavy sigh passes his lips. Since your walk in the garden Junmyeon has been extremely busy with work. He’s missed breakfast the last few days.

Chanyeol soon enters the room with the rest of the boys. They all sit down at the table, and you suddenly feel like you aren’t supposed to be in the room. This doesn’t feel like a normal breakfast. There’s a tension throughout the room.

“YN,” Junmyeon says.

“Yeah?” you suddenly feel extremely nervous and you can’t explain why.

“I have business to take care of in a few towns over and I need the whole circle,” Junmyeon says as he puts paper down he’s been staring at. His statement catches you off guard and you suddenly feel sick. The floor feels like it’s dropped out from under you as you stare at him. “I would really like for you to come as well. If you want to stay I have other men that can stay at the compound and look after you. I can have Johnny, Jaehyun, and Yuta look after you. I would prefer you come with us though.” It’s clear he’s fully thought this out.

You blink unable to think of anything to say. Sehun’s hand gently rests on your thigh, catching your attention. You quickly turn and look over at him. You swallow loudly as your eyes quickly roam his face. Feeling completely lost.

“You’ll be okay,” he says softly, just loud enough for only you to hear. “You’ve come so far. You can do this.”

Glancing over at Junmyeon you find him watching you intently. “I promise I’ll keep you safe,” Sehun says.

“How long will we be gone?” You ask, not able to properly think of anything else to say. Your mind suddenly feels so foggy.

“Three days.”

“Okay,” you stand up quickly. You suddenly feel the need to rush off to your room. You feel so overwhelmed, you’re about to cry. You aren’t able to take a step before Sehun’s hand grabs yours. He’s standing next to you looking at you with sad eyes.

“Let’s go to your room together,” he says slowly.

“I’m sorry I have to ask you to go,” Junmyeon stands at the other end of the table. He looks sad as he stares at you. His eyes slowly travel down to yours and Sehun’s hands.

“I’ll be okay,” you aren’t sure if you’re lying or not.

Sehun’s hand is still cuffing yours as he leads you up the stairs towards your room. Walking into your room Sehun shuts the door and stops. Looking down at your hand that he’s holding you wonder if this feels weird to him. Without even thinking he pulls you closer to him he ever so gently pulls you into his chest for a hug. He’s never held you like this before and it’s a different level of comfort. “You’re brave. You can do this,” he says calmly. Closing your eyes you take in his closeness. He slowly rubs your back as he repeats, “you can do this.” It’s becoming very clear that nobody understands you quite like Sehun does. He knows exactly what he needs to do to calm you down.

He holds your for what feels like an eternity just gently rubbing your back. Pulling away from you he gives you a soft smile, “would you like some help packing?”

Your afternoon is spent sitting on your bed across from Sehun working on packing a suitcase for a trip you aren’t sure you’re ready to take.

-

You barely slept at night. Each time you closed your eyes you had visions of the night your brother was killed. Pulling the chair that normally sat in the corner of your room near your window. You pulled open your curtains you barely ever opened. With your legs pulled into your chest you watched as the sun slowly started to rise. You weren’t sure how you were supposed to sleep while you’re away. You couldn’t even sleep just anticipating leaving the house.

Someone knocks on your door catching your attention. Standing up you walk across the dark hardwood floor. Opening the door you find Sehun standing on the other side. He’s already dressed in tight slacks, and white dress shirt. It’s been so long since you’ve seen him dressed up. Since he’s started being your bodyguard he hasn’t had to get dressed up for work. He’s normally dressed in skinny jeans, and sweaters.

“Did you sleep?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.

“Not really,” there’s no point in lying to him.

He steps into your room and shuts the door. You stand there looking at him for a long moment. He sighs before saying, “why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Because there is no point in both of us being tired. I’ll try to sleep on the car ride.” You’ve convinced yourself that maybe you’ll be able to nap being in a car surrounded by Sehun and the other boys.

“Okay. Junmyeon wants to leave in a half hour. Is that okay with you?”

You nod.

He leaves you to give you time to get dressed. You decided to wear something comfortable to

travel in. You pull on a pair of leggings, an oversized sweater, and a pair of boots.

Entering the foyer you find Sehun standing around waiting with Jongdae, Yixing, and Baekhyun. You stand near Sehun with your suitcase silently watching as Kyungsoo soon joins with Jongin by his side. The last few to join are Minseok, Chanyeol and Junmyeon.

You sit in the last row of an SUV with Junmyeon and Sehun. Sehun is by your side with his knee brushing against yours. Junmyeon sits in the middle row, Minseok talking about something related to the Lee family. Chanyeol is driving your SUV, while Kyungsoo is driving the other one with Jongdae, Jongin, and Yixing. Your brain can’t seem to focus on anything that the boys are saying. Your eyes are focused on the passing trees. Sehun rested his hand on your knee catching your attention. Looking over at him you give him a small half smile.

“We have about two more hours until we’re there. Why don’t you take a nap?”

You know you should take advantage of this time and take a nap. You move your body off to the side attempting to get comfortable. “Why don’t you lean against me?”

You stare at him for a moment processing what he just said. You feel like you’ll be invading his space if you lean against him. He gives you a soft smile making you feel welcomed. Moving slowly you move so you're resting against him with your head comfortablely leaning against his shoulder. His arm is gently placed over your shoulder helping you get comfortable leaning against him.

The car ride goes by in a blur as you nap against Sehun. You wake up to the sound of Sehun’s low voice. Your eyes slowly open to see the modern looking house in front of you.

“We’re here,” Sehun has as you sit up.

Slowly you stretch your body and yawn and Junmyeon and Minseok exit the car. Slowly getting out of the car Kyungsoo is standing at the door and offers his hand.

Entering the house Sehun is close by your side holding your suitcase.

Entering the house you quickly notice the vaulted ceiling and the bright white walls. There’s a staircase by the foyer and hallway off to the right.

You follow Sehun as he leads you off to where you assume your room is located.

Walking into your room you’ll be staying in for the next few days. You feel Sehun’s presents right behind you. You want to turn around and wrap your arms around him. But you don't, you choose to simply look up at him.

“If you feel comfortable only staying in here I’ll tell Junmyeon I can’t go to the meeting.” If he refuses to go to this meeting you know Junmyeon won’t be happy about it. You know no details about this meeting, but you know it’s important if he needed the whole circle to be here for it.

“I’ll be okay,” you walk over and sit on the edge of your bed.

The afternoon is spent in your room you’re staying in. Sehun brings out his laptop and turns on netflix so you have something to do. He leaves you alone for about a half hour to have a meeting with the circle in the living room. The whole time he’s gone you can’t help but wonder what they’re talking about. You’re not sure what this meeting is about and you know it’s probably for the best you don’t actually know.

Your first meal in this new house feels strange. You’re sitting at a glass table in the dining room. Sehun is sitting next to you with Jongdae on the other side of him. Junmyeon is nowhere to be seen. Jongdae mentioned that he was busy with Minseok, and Yixing.

Kyungsoo cooked everyone dinner and sat down at the edge of the table. You listen as the boys make small talk. Soon Baekhyun and Jongin have joined you.

When night falls you lay in bed for what feels like hours trying to sleep.

In the middle of the night you open your door and pause for a moment waiting to know if Sehun heard you. You get about ten paces from your room when Sehun’s door opens.

“Where are you going?” Sehun asks, running his fingers through his dark hair.

“I was going to make some tea. I can’t sleep,” you sigh.

“Let me go with you.”

In the middle of the night stand in the kitchen with Sehun drinking a cup of tea. There isn’t much said between you as you drink your tea. Your mind seems to be in a million different places. His eyes stay focused on you as he seems to be studying you.

“It feels strange being away from the compound,” your hands clutch the white mug filled with tea.

“I’m sorry you had to come here. I should have told Junmyeon that I would have stayed behind with you and just had Jaehyun, Johnny, and Yuta stay at the compound,” it’s clear by his time he’s thought about this a few times.

“Even though I wish I would have stayed home, I think I needed to do this,” you know deep down inside this is just one of your steps on your long road to living a normal life again.

“I want you to know I’m always going to do whatever makes you feel the safest. Even if I have to go against Junmyeon.” You know he means it. It’s grown clear to you that you are indeed Sehun number one priority.

After drinking your tea Sehun walks you back to bed and offers to stay up with you, but know you both need to sleep so you tell him no.

After laying in bed for half an hour your eyes finally grow too heavy to stay open.

~

The meeting EXO has to attend as a whole is taking place in a warehouse outside of town. Sitting in the backseat of an SUV you are sitting in the backseat between Jongdae and Sehun. Nervously your leg bounces as you fiddle with your thumbs attempting to distract yourself. Sehun’s large hand moves so it’s resting on your knee. Your eyes snap up to his and he gives you a soft smile. Pulling up the dim lit warehouse Jongdae gets our first and offers you a hand helping you out of the back row.

The group of eight men stand near the SUV that you had arrived in with Junmyeon. They start discussing their plan, but you barely hear it. Your brain can’t seem to fully focus. You stare at the gravel below you. Slowly you drag the toe of your boot across the gravel. Sehun must notice you seem lost because he rests his hand on your lower back and gently moves you closer to him.

The group starts moving towards the warehouse. Chanyeol and Minseok are right next to Junmyeon, while you have Sehun close by you with his hand on your lower back and Jongdae is standing on the other side of you. Kyungsoo is right behind you holding up the back.

Entering the warehouse Junmyeon is quickly greeted by two large bodyguards and a man in an extremely expensive looking grey suit.

“Choi,” Junmyeon says. Just the mention of that family name sends a shiver down your spine. A sense of dread washes over you and your eyes instantly want to water.

Looking around the room you see about ten men with their hands on their guns.

The man in the expensive suit leads the group to a large room with a conference table. Junmyeon sits down at the head of the table and Sehun leads you over towards a chair that is in the corner. He stands next to you towering over you.

The man in the expensive look suit sits down on the car end of the table, and the men that had been in the other room all slowly walk in. The meeting starts and you quickly witness the mob boss known as Suho in action. The soft man you had grown to know Junmyeon wasn’t present as you listened to his powering persona Suho command control from Choi and his men.

“Choi I don’t think you’re aware of what will happen if you don’t stay out of my territory,” Junmyeon commands.

“Suho I don’t think you can make demands like that sitting in my warehouse,” the man in the suit responds with a wicked laugh.

“Choi you forget your place,” Junmyeon seethes.

“Suho I don’t think you realize I’m not afraid of you. I’ve made your little circle smaller once, I’ll do it again.” Your heart drops at Choi’s vile words. Closing your eyes you push back your tears. Him just mentioning his role he played in your brother’s death makes you feel completely sick. Taking a deep breath you try your hardest not to cry.

“Sehun,” Junmyeon eyes snap over to you and your guard.

“Yes?”

“Please take her into the other room,” Junmyeon says with his voice calm and low.

Sehun nods and reaches down taking your hand. He laces his fingers with yours thinking nothing of it as he leads you towards the door. Your eyes catch Junmyeon and he gives you a sad smile as you walk away. He had always stated he wanted to keep you away from all this and the look he gave you let you know he did indeed feel guilty for bringing you.

The door shuts and you’re left alone standing outside with Sehun. He releases your hand and moves his gun to the front of his waistband. Your heart races and your eyes go wide. Reaching forward he rests his hand on your cheek catching your attention. He’s never touched you like this before.

“Hey,” his voice snaps you out of the sea of thoughts that seem to be flooding your mind as you start to panic. “Take a deep breath for me.” You listen to his command and take a deep breath letting the air fill your lungs. “You’re okay. Nothing is going to happen in that room. Junmyeon just didn’t want you to see that side of him. He can be ruthless when he needs to.”

His hand still lingers on your skin as you take another deep breath trying your hardest to calm down.

“Okay,” you whisper.

“I should have stayed at the compound with you,” he brushes his thumb across the warm skin on your cheek.

“I’m okay,” you lie.

He shakes his head. Sehun is one of the few people you can’t lie to when it comes to your emotions. He’s spent every day with you since Junmyeon assigned him to be your bodyguard. He knows you better then you know yourself at this point.

“You don’t have to pretend right now. I know you’re scared, and that’s okay. Choi said some stuff in there with the intention of getting to Junmyeon. I need you to do me a favor and let me know what you’re feeling. Please don’t lie to me. Always be honest with me,” he swallows loudly. His eyes are locked on yours and they haven’t left yours.

“I’m scared,” you whisper. A weight feels like it’s being pulled off your chest. There’s this long moment where you stand there just staring at each other.

He removes his hand from your cheek and pauses before he pulls you into a hug. Your head rests on his chest as he rubs your back slowly comforting you.

Sehun releases you from his hold and gives you a soft smile. His hand brushes across your skin as he pushes a loose piece of hair behind your ear.

You’re alone in the main part of the warehouse for about twenty minutes before Junmyeon walks out with the rest of the boys. Junmyeon looks pissed letting you know the meeting didn’t go well.

Sehun and Jongdae lead you out in the front of the group. Pulling your coat against your body you shield yourself from the cool night air.

The sound of gunfire startled you. Standing near the SUV it took Sehun all of two seconds before he pressed the cold metal. Your chest clenches as you attempt to process where the shots are coming from. Your wide eyes scan around you watching all the men holding their guns looking for the threat. Tears roll down your cheek as Sehun is blocking you using his body as a human shield. You shake in fear feeling the bile crawl up your throat.

Another round of gunfire rings out. This time sounding closer. Junmyeon rushes towards you being blocked by Chanyeol.

Your mind is completely flooded, unable to process everything going on around you. The echoing sounds of Chanyeol shouting to open the door. Sehun is attempting to block your body while getting the back door opened.

Everything seems to be moving in slow motions.

You attempt to get into the back seat as quick as possible. The world seems as if it’s flipped upside down when another gunshot rings but this time the bullet makes contact with Junmyeon's shoulder. Blood splatters across you before another shot is fired this time into his side. He cries out in pain falling into the backseat. Baekhyun takes his shot and ends the man who shot Junmyeon. Kyungsoo and Jongdae continue to fire their guns while Yixing rushes over to the car where Junmyeon is curled up in the backseat next to you.

Staring down at Junmyeon you see the sea of blood pouring out of his shoulder and his side. His white dress shirt is turning blood red quickly. He’s losing a lot of blood quickly and you can’t help but sob looking at him. You’re mind is having imagines of the night you lost your brother. His eyes lock on yours for a moment and all you can see is pain and sadness.

Yixing has crawled into the back and is applying pressure to his boss’ side. The muffled sounds of yelling keep happening but you’re in shock and unable to process anything that is being said. All you can seem to focus on is Junmyeon lying there on the seat next to you. Jongin runs up to the car next and starts applying pressure to his shoulder.

Rubbing your face, trying to push away your tears. Looking down at your trembling hands you see blood. Your chest heaves knowing that blood isn’t yours, it belongs to Junmyeon.

Your vision is blurred as you stare at Junmyeon who is groaning in pain. His eyes squeezed shut as he whimpers. The feeling of arms being wrapped around your torso startles you. Sehun pulls you out of the car and carries you to the second car parked right next to this one. He pulls you into the back seat quickly, slamming the door.

“Junmyeon,” you scream as the car he’s in pulls away. “Junmyeon,” you scream again sobbing. You’re terrified that this could be the last time you’ll get to see the man you’ve grown to care about so deeply.

“It’s fine,” Sehun pulls you against his body. He rubs your back as you sob in his chest. Your whole body shakes as he holds your tight.

“He’s dead. He’s dead,” you scream over and over sobbing into Sehun.

“He’s fine,” his lips are pressed to the top of your hair as he rubs your back. “He was breathing.”

The tears keep coming and your chest hurts. Your worst nightmare just came true. After losing your brother you were terrified of dying, but watching another person you care about in front of you die. That is a fate worse than death. You weren’t prepared to lose another person you cared about. You’ve already lost your family. You can’t lose the man who gave you another family. You can’t take anymore heartbreak.

You sob so hard against Sehun's chest you feel his shirt below you is now wet with your tears. Your fingers are clutching on to him for dear life. The only thing keeping you from losing it is Sehun’s touch. He’s keeping you grounded as your mind thinks the very worst.

“Where are they going?” You cry into Sehun's chest.

“We know a surgeon with a private office who will operate with Yixing.” You have a million questions but you can’t ask them. You just want to know he’s okay.

Arriving at the safe house they pull the car around to the back. Someone opens the door and pulls you away from Sehun's warm body. Opening your tear filled eyes you see Kyungsoo's blurred face. He holds you just long enough before he hands you off to Sehun. He carried you bridal style into the back of the house. Looking over his shoulder you see Jongdae walking behind him. You realize right then that it’s only Sehun, Kyungsoo, and Jongdae with you. Your chest clenches just thinking about Junmyeon.

Sehun doesn’t say anything as he carries you off to your bedroom you had been staying in. He places you on the full-size bed and pushes your hair out of your face. Dropping down to his knees he stares at you for a long moment. His eyes are filled with pain and sorrow. You sniffle trying your hardest to stop the tears that keep coming.

“Give me one minute,” his voice is low as he leans in close to you. You don’t say anything as you watch him walk off into the bathroom.

Pulling your knees into your chest you wrap your arms around your legs. Your head rests on top of your knees. The tears just continue to fall as your mind continues to think the worst. Visions of Junmyeon blood play on repeat in your mind.

Sehun’s warm hand brings you from your dark thoughts. Looking up at him with blurry eyes he gives you a sad smile. He reaches down picking you up again. Walking into the bathroom you see he’s drawn a bath. He sits you down on the toilet across the bathtub.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” you say barely audible. You can’t imagine being alone right now. The only reason you’re even slightly able to hold yourself together right now is because of Sehun.

“I don’t plan on leaving you alone tonight,” he drops down to his knees in front of you. He rests his hand on your knee and stares at you for a long moment. He takes your foot in his hand gently and works on removing your boots one at a time. He sits them aside before standing up.

“Can you stand up for me?”

Silently you nod standing up with your legs shaking. “We need to get this blood off you,” his voice is so gentle. He slowly pulls your jacket off. He touches you so gently almost as if he’s afraid you’ll shatter into a million pieces. He places the jacket on the floor on top of your boots.

“Can I take this off?” He said taking the fabric of your dress in his hands. You nod your head not caring what he removed. You weren’t sure if he planned on having you strip completely naked in front of him, but it didn’t matter. You were numb to everything and you didn’t care.

He pulls your dress over your head and sets it in the pile of your clothes. You stand in front of him in nothing but your bra and underwear. If this was a different situation you might feel embarrassed by your pink floral panties and that clashes with your yellow polka dot bra. He picks you up as if you weigh nothing and sets you in the warm water.

The tears have finally stopped falling as you sit there in the warm bath. The steam filled water engulfs your body easing your tense muscles. You stare at the warm water that has started to change to a shade of pink. Your stomach clenches thinking back to Junmyeon, you can’t seem to focus on anything other than him. Sehun sits on his knees next to the tub. He holds a washcloth and dips it into the water. Ever so slowly he’s working on washing away all the blood from your face and neck. Your eyes stay locked on the water. The room is completely silent other than the sounds of water and you sniffling back tears. Nothing feels real, this whole night feels like nothing more than a nightmare.

Closing your eyes all you saw was Junmyeon laying next to you bleeding out. You pull your knees into your chest and start to sob again. You can’t stop crying no matter how hard you try. The aching feeling in your chest won’t go away. Your body shakes as you cry. Your head is pounding from your constant crying.

Sehun has stopped washing you, and after a long moment you hear him stand up but you can’t look over at him. You know he’s staring at you, but you can’t handle seeing his sad eyes as he’s watching you shatter into a million pieces. You hear what sounds like clothes being moved around. Slowly glancing over at him you find him standing next to the bathtub in a pair of boxer briefs. In any other situation you might take a moment to admire his beautiful body. Without saying a word he steps into the tub behind you still in his underwear. He pulls your body against his chest and kisses the top of your head gently.

“Is he dead?” You whisper finally speaking.

“I don’t think so,” he sounds so unsure. You aren’t sure how he’s holding it together. His boss just took two bullets in front of him.

There’s something so intimate about him holding you in the bath, but the situation doesn’t feel sexual at all. You’ve never needed anyone like you need Sehun right now. He’s holding you letting you know that it’s okay. He holds you close as you whimper into his chest. It feels like an eternity is passing as he rubs your arms and whispers it’s okay over and over like a mantra. You’ve never felt as safe as you do in his arms. His soothing touch calms you down. You aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to live another day without his warm touch. Having Sehun around is like air in your lungs, you need him. You can’t function without him anymore. Based on the way he’s holding your and whispering calming words, he’s aware of that. You aren’t sure how you’ve grown so dependent on him, and it’s probably not healthy but you can’t help it.

You stay in the bath until the warm water starts to turn cold. You’ve stopped crying, and you think it’s because you don’t have any tears left in your body. Your heart aches everytime you think of Junmyeon.

He helps you out of the bath and wraps a towel around your body. He works on helping you dry off before taking your hand and leading you into the bedroom.

He tells you he needs to leave for five minutes to change and to make a call.

“I’ll be back quickly. Jongdae will be outside your door.”

You take the few minutes you have alone to get changed and to crawl into bed. It’s not long before there’s a soft knock on your door before Sehun walks back in. He comes back dressed in nothing more than pajama pants.

“I just talk to Minseok. Junmyeon is stable,” his words feel like a wave of instant relief. He sets his gun on the night stand and stares at you completely void of emotion.

“He’ll be fine. They got the bullet out of his shoulder and stitched him up,” he moves so he’s sitting on the edge of your bed.

“Thank you for letting me know.”

He lets out a heavy sigh and pushes his fingers through his hair. He looks broken as he stares at the ground. You felt guilty that he wasn’t able to focus on helping Junmyeon, that he had to make sure you’re okay.

“I thought I might lose you tonight,” his voice is low.

You knit your eyes brow attempting to process what he’s saying. After Junmyeon was shot all your fears about being killed left your mind. You didn’t even think about the fact the boys were worried you’d get hurt.

“I’m okay,” you reach out resting your hand on his shoulder. You can’t help but wonder if your touch makes him feel warm like his does to you.

“Junmyeon is going to be worried about you when he wakes up.”

“I wasn’t afraid of dying tonight. I’m more afraid of one of you dying,” you admit. He looks over at you with his eyes filled with sadness.

“We’re not good people. We’ve done bad things, our lives don’t mean anything. You’ve lived an innocent life and you deserve more than to keep living.”

Your throat feels tight as you stare at him. You don’t even know how to respond to his statement. Your chest aches at the fact he doesn’t value his own life because of his choices.

“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” reaching forward as you take his hand.

“You don’t have to be,” he squeezes your hand.

“I don’t think you should be alone either.” It’s clear he was trying to act strong, but you can see the cracks forming. “Can you stay in here please?”

He nods silently.

“Please lay down with me,” your voice is soft. You’re trying to sound confident, but this whole situation between the two of you is such unknown territory. Tonight everything feels like it’s changing as the thread that seems to be holding everything together is being pulled away.

He paused and audibly swallowed  before standing up. Pulling back the covers he crawls into bed and lays on his side so he’s facing you. You lay there for the longest time just silently watching each other. Slowly you reach out resting your hand on his cheek. You aren’t sure why you do it, but you almost want to touch him to make sure he’s real. His warm skin is soft under your fingertips. You drag your index finger down his sharp jaw. His eyes stay locked on you as he’s watching your movements.

“I need you,” he whispers barely audibly.

He’s never said he’s needed you before. The whole time he’s been watching over you he’s never appeared vulnerable, in the slightest.

“I’m not going anywhere,” your hand is still on his cheek.

Without saying another word he pulls your body close to his. His arms are wrapped around your body as you’re pressed close to his body. You’re wrapped in his warmth.

“Is this okay?”

He doesn’t seem to realize you need him just as badly as he needs you, “yes.”

He holds you close to him until your eyes have grown too heavy.

Even wrapped in Sehun’s strong arms you don’t find peace as you sleep. Another nightmare leaves you screaming in your dreams. Your nightmares that used to be filled with the vision of the night you lost your brother are now filled with Junmyeon blood stained body laying next to you.

Your tears must have woken Sehun up. You’re woken up to Sehun's soothing voice repeating your name as he rubs your back slowly.

Pulling away from him your chest is rising and falling quickly as your shaky hand reaches up to push away your tears. He reaches forward resting his hand on your cheek and slowly dragging his thumb across your tear stained cheek.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” he’s trying his hardest to calm down.

Closing your eyes you attempt to stop the tears that keep falling. Without saying another word he leans forward and rests his forehead against yours. He says, “I’m here. It’s just a nightmare.”

There is this feeling of something pulling you towards Sehun as he holds you close. Opening your eyes you pull away and look at him with glossy eyes. His hand reaches up and gently brushes away your tears. Your mind stops fully functioning as you lean forward and press your lips to your protectors for a desperate kiss. Part of you is expecting him to pull away from you. You’re caught off guard when his hand stays on your cheek as your lips move together.

Pulling away from him you look at him almost as if to remind yourself this is real, “please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t leave, I’ll be by your side as long as you need me,” he reaches up resting his hand on your cheek.

You didn’t get much sleep the rest of the night. Sehun held you until the sun rose. The warm sunlight gently peaking through the blinds. You laid there in silence for a while before you took the time to ask your protector questions about his life. You learned about his single mother who has done everything for him. You learned about his friendship with the inner circle and what led him to joining the city's most powerful mob. You learned so much about your kind protector.

You stayed in your room with Sehun all day. He only left you alone to bring food to the room. As night fell again you asked him once again to lay with you. You can’t seem to bring yourself to sleep alone in this strange home.

During this night he tries to keep his distance, but once again as a nightmare wakes you up, you find yourself in his strong grip being held close. After this nightmare you don’t share another kiss. Instead he just holds you and whispers over and over, “you’re okay.”

The following day Junmyeon comes back to the compound with the rest of the circle. You haven’t seen him since arriving but you’ve seen Chanyeol who looks like he needs a few nights of sleep.

-

A soft knock on your door catches your attention. Sehun quickly sits up and walks over to the door. Opening it you’re surprised to see Minseok standing on the other side. Sehun steps aside and Minseok steps into your room.

“YN?” He seems so timid, almost as if he’s worried about speaking too loud.

“Yes?”

“Junmyeon has asked for you to come see him.”

He’d only been home a couple hours. You didn’t think you would be able to see him for at least a day. You nod silently and crawl off the bed. Looking down you see you’re dressed in your pajamas.

“Should I change?” You tug on the bottom of your oversized shirt.

“No you’re fine,” Sehun says resting his hand on your shoulder.

You follow Minseok down the short hallway to the master bedroom where Junmyeon is. Chanyeol is standing outside still looking incredibly exhausted. Him and Minseok both look like they haven’t slept at all and both of them have circles under their eyes. Minseok opens the door and signals for you to come inside. Turning back you watch as Sehun stops at the door and softly nods his head at you. Walking into the master bedroom you look at the large bed that is pressed against the wall. Junmyeon is sitting up resting against pillows. His arm is being supported by a sling. Your eyes can’t help but lock on his exposed torso. He’s not wearing a shirt and this is the first time you’ve seen this much of his skin. Your wide eyes travel down this side where you see a bandage cover where he was shot on his side. His skin looks like a watercolor painting of purple and blue, with a mix of yellow and green.

Looking up, your eyes lock on his and he gives you a soft smile. You feel frozen in place as you stand there staring at him.

The door closes behind you letting you know Minseok left the room. You were alone with Junmyeon now. Slowly you walk towards the bed.

“You can sit if you would like,” he put his hand out that isn’t in a sling next to him.

Sitting on the edge of the bed you’re facing him, placing most of your weight on one leg. Your eyes roam Junmyeon face studying it for a long moment as you sit on his bed. It’s taking everything in you not to reach out and touch his face. The sight of him laying in bed injured reminds you how human he really is. He might be a powerful mob boss but he’s not invincible. He bleeds just like you.

“I’m okay,” he says, finally speaking up.

“I thought you died in front of me. I thought I was losing another person I deeply care about,” your eyes brim with tears just thinking back the sight of laying next to you covered in blood.

“Hey,” he reaches out resting his hand on your knee. “I didn’t die, and they weren’t able to shoot you. I knew last night when those shots were firing you were gonna be okay. I knew Sehun would take a bullet before you did.”

Shaking your head the tears start to fall, “I can’t watch someone else I care about die. I can’t have Sehun take a bullet for me.”

“He’s not going to have to, because that will never happen again,” his thumb brushes across your knee.

“You almost died in front me,” you whisper with your voice barely audible.

“I’m okay. Please stop crying my love,” he calls you a name he’s never called you before as he attempts to calm you down. Your heart flutters at his sweet name.

“I’m sorry,” reaching up to wipe away your tears.

“don’t apologize, I know last night was very scary for you. I know seeing me like that probably gave you a nightmare thinking back to the night you lost your brother.”

The mention of your brother has your head swimming. The overwhelming feeling of sadness takes over you. You aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to think of him and not feel sad. Sung-Ho had his whole life ahead of him and it was ripped away.

“Can you please sit next to me?” He lays his hand on the bed next to him.

Without even thinking you move to sit right next to him. With his good hand he reaches up resting his hand on your cheek for a long moment before his thumb brushes your tears away. Him and the rest of the guy must be tired of watching you cry. From the moment Chanyeol picked you up off the ground it felt like all you did is cry. At what point do they grow tired of wiping away your tears. Closing your eyes you try to push away these thoughts that plague your mind.

“Even when you’re sad you’re still so beautiful,” his voice is barely audible almost as if he isn’t sure if he’s speaking out loud.

Your eyes pop open and you stare at his face trying to read his emotions. As time passes the more the man in front of you seems to be letting his guard down. His tongue runs across his top lip and he takes in a slow breath. His hand still lingers on your skin.

“Sehun said you had a rough night that he did everything to help you.”

You wonder what details Sehun told Junmyeon. You can’t help but wonder if he knows about your bath you shared or the desperate kiss you shared after your nightmare. Your lips still tingle with the feeling of Sehun’s chapped lips moving against yours.

“I thought I was losing you and I started shutting down,” closing your eyes you still see Junmyeon laying on the seat next to with a blood stained shirt.

His thumb brushes across your bottom lip causing your breath to catch in your throat.

“I’m okay though,” he smiles at you.

“I didn’t know that though. I thought I was losing you and I wasn’t going to get to say goodbye,” your voice shakes as you fight back tears.

“Would you like to lay in here with me?”

Your mind is spinning as you stare at him. Things between you and Junmyeon have changed so much.

“Yes,” you don’t really process what laying with him means. You just quickly respond before moving across his soft bed. Laying down on your side you watch as Junmyeon takes a long moment to lay down on his back. With each move he lets out low groans reminding you of the pain he must be in. Laying on his back he stares at you and gives you a soft smile.

“Would you sleep in here tonight? You can say no if I make you uncomfortable,” he lacks confidence as he asks you. He seems so vulnerable as he puts himself out there. “I don’t want to do anything that would ever make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’ll stay.”

Before losing your brother and moving in here you had never really shared a bed with another man. You weren’t a virgin by any means, but you never slept over with a man. In the last forty-eight hours you've shared a bed with both Sehun and now Junmyeon. You can’t seem to think about what any of this means. You just want to be close to Junmyeon. The thought of losing him terrifies you, and you just want to be close to him.

You lay there next to him talking about random things. It’s clear he doesn’t want to talk about his injury. You’ve moved on to talking about your childhood, and what’s your favorite movie. It’s not long before your eyes grow too heavy and fall asleep.

You dream of nothing as you lay next to him. There’s no nightmare or even a happy dream. There is nothing. The sound of rain falling outside wakes you up. Your eyes slowly flutter open.

The sight of Junmyeon asleep in front of you is soothing. He seems so at ease and peaceful. It’s the only time where he doesn’t look like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. His chest slowly rises and falls with each breath. Your eyes wonder about his beautiful skin. It takes everything in you not to reach out and touch him.

The last forty-eight hours have drained you to no end and even though your eyes are so heavy you can barely hold them open you can’t bring yourself to look away from him. The twisting feeling in your stomach is a heavy reminder that you thought you lost him once, and you aren’t sure you can ever let him out of your sight again.

Your eyes travel down to his hand that is resting on the bed between you. Without even thinking, you reach out holding his hand. You know you shouldn’t do it, but you just need to touch him to be reminded he’s real. His eyes flutter slightly and a small smile plays across his lips. You hold completely still watching him, not sure if he's awake. The fluttering feeling in your chest doesn’t seem to stop as your eyes roam his body.

“Thank you,” he murmurs softly.

There’s a feeling in your chest that is a heavy reminder that the man holding your hand means more to you then you ever expected.

*

@questiontotheanswer @green7eababy @kriswu46 @sheepish-xing @airiguk @sehunsyn @defsoul15

#exo #exo au #exo mob au #exo mafia au #exo x reader #exo imagine #exo angst #sehun #oh sehun #kim junmyeon #junmyeon #suho #xuimin #minseok #baekhyun #jongdae #exo chen #chanyeol #kyungsoo #exo kai #jongin #my writing #arsonist lullaby #al

[kurama-is-love]

hi hello hello always here to talk more kurama analysis... anyway, i think that saying he is "merciless" is entirely misinterpreting or missing the point of kurama's character arc. yes, before he was human he had cruel and merciless instincts (before the timeframe of the show). his entire thing is that because he has become human and had wonderful friends and a loving mother, he is now more compassionate and caring. he is always trying to balance out his true nature, or who he really is. (1/?)

i think that the example of ura urashima very specifically points out that he is a changed person and thought that ura urashima's intentions to reform himself were pure and he was moved in that he saw his past self in that. kurama has been so moved by unconditional love of humans that he has become a kinder and more caring person. i think that it is foolish to think this means he is like this toward everyone, though. he cares for the select people in his life and would do anything for them (2/?) 

specifically at the beginning of the show, his very first introduction, kurama is willing to allow hiei and gouki to cause trouble. he was fully okay with allowing gouki and hiei to steal the other artifacts and was only thinking of saving for his mother, willing to die for her and not worry about the repercussions of letting those two get away. of course he is able to help stop hiei later, but his original plan was to die and let hiei and gouki do whatever, as long as he could save shiori (3/?)

The entire evolution of his character goes from this point. a character willing to die for the only person who he ever felt an attachment to, his human mother, and has no concern for anyone else, but as he gains more friends, they become just as important to him, and he is able to accept that he can move on from his past to become the new person he is. the person between demon and human, the real kurama. i think that interpreting his character as being "merciless" is missing this point entirely.

sorry this went on for so many asks, i just always have a lot to say about kurama. i think his actions people were calling "merciless" were meant to demonstrate the internal struggle he has between embracing his human side and reconciling his past. he has lived for so long and was known as a cruel cold-hearted thief, but now, in this "weaker" human form, he is trying to balance his power with his desire to be a better person. i feel like you said a lot of this too but i get carried away. (END)

Hello there, it’s completely fine. I am always up to read some other analysis how other people (who actually knew the anime and knew the circumstances) view Kurama and I am really glad, that I am not the only person who thought that stating Kurama is merciless is missing the point.

I completely agree with you, Kurama was different before he met Yusuke. You can totally see it in his facial expressions. If we look at his initial appearance:

He looks totally depressed, gloomy. Like .. he doesn’t care for anything besides his mother, which was true. He was willing to give up his life to save her.

But, you can clearly see a change in him during his first mission with Yusuke and the others, how much more sincere and “good” mooded (is tht even a word? Haha, sorry. English is not my first language.), hell he even started to smile often.

A completely different person, right?

Kurama had many conflicts within him, because his demon instincts collided with his human life and I think Ura Urashima turned him “back” to his old Youko days instead of just transforming him. Because let’s recall what he said what his attack did: It turned Kurama 50 years back in time, which meant that he released his old self, how he was before he fused with Shuuichis body. But even as “Youko Kurama, the ‘cruel’ legendary thief, he was not completely merciless.

Remember that he warned Juri when he summoned his big man-eater plant? He told her: “If you want to live, don’t move.”, because the plant attacked and devoured anything that moved. He hadn’t warned her, if he didn’t cared about others right?

And he had a group back then, a group of thiefs, I think he held them dearly as his “family”, because after so many died, he prefered to work alone instead of letting anymore involve with him.

He was never completely merciless. He had the right amount of pride and honor, aknowleding a worthy opponent.

And as I stated earlier, it was totally common in Shonen anime, that the good guys killed off the bad guys.

Just look at Dragonball Z, how many antagonists died? Look at Bleach, even Sailor Moon killed off any enemy they faced (except for a view exceptions like Queen Galaxia. But basically every underling of them died).

To say Kurama would be merciless because some of his enemies died, is like saying that Yusuke and Kuwabara are merciless too, because they killed off some opponents aswell. Whats with Suzaku, Akuma and his Hades guys in the Poltergeist Movie, Sensui, Younger Toguro, Yusuke killed more enemies as Kurama did and does that mean that Yusuke is merciless? No. Because you can’t tell how a really strong fight to save the Spirit World, Human World or even Demon World can go and if you have to kill your opponent, to save millions of other lifeforms, it’s not ruthless, it’s heroic.

Kuramas personality is not easy to describe, but he is absolutely no bad guy. And he never was. He had a heart even when he was Youko. At least for those he was close. He never killed because of fun or something, because that is the true meaning of being ruthless and merciless.

#Kurama #youko #youko kurama #shuichi minamino #Shuuichi Minamino #Suichi Minamino #Minamino Shuuichi #Minamino Shuichi #YYh #Yu Yu Hakusho #yuu yuu hakusho

[plathski]

Blue

A/N: this is for the @queendomsecretsanta and @thenicestnonbinary. happy holidays!

Word count: 1,988

TWs: Death.

Cathy could vividly recall the exact moment she heard that her husband had passed away.

She had just put her foot into the palace after taking a half hour long stroll around the palace’s garden. It was a beautiful day, with no clouds in the beautiful light blue sky, and she had been feeling a bit erratic lately due to the stress that was caused by the king being sick, so she decided that was the best thing she could do to take everything off her mind, even if the relaxation only lasted for a few fleeting moments.

“Catherine!”

Before she could even blink, Anne Herbert, her lady in waiting, was directly in front of her, her petrified dark brown eyes piercing her soul.

“..what? What’s wrong?” The queen had inquired, her mind racing with possibilities what could have gotten her friend so scared.

The explanation hit her like a ton of bricks.

“King Henry’s dead!”

Most of the day after that moment was a complete blur to her. She was whisked into her and the king’s bedroom, where she was surrounded by many important members of the court.

She found a chair right at his bedside and sat herself down in it.

She truly didn’t know how she felt as she stared at Henry’s cold, lifeless face. The sounds of quiet sobbing from all the familar faces in the room were interrupting her thoughts.

The guilt she had from it was immense, but the word she thought best described her feelings was relief.

Of course, her husband’s death was surely a tragedy, just like the death of every english royal. But he wasn’t like all the royals before him. He was an angry, miserable, violent lunatic who only cared for himself. If it was possible, she would have him burned at the stake for all the wicked things he’d done throughout his life. 

She’d do it for Catherine of Aragon, the woman he kicked to the curb without a second thought. She’d do it for Anne Boleyn, the one he bastardized and beheaded all because she couldn’t give him a son. She’d do it for Jane Seymour, who was dead because Henry valued the idea of having a son more than her life. She’d do it for Anna of Cleves, who he humilated and ostracized. And she’d do it for Katherine Howard, who got her childhood ripped away from her.

But she could never do that, for although she was the queen of England, she was powerless compared to him.

Oh well, he was dead now, it didn’t matter anymore. At least he would never hurt anyone ever again.

“I...I have to go.” She murmured to Anne, standing up slowly with a emotionless expression on her face.

“Of course, Catherine.”

The queen left the bedroom, contemplating on where she was to go from here.

What use was there for the widow of a king, anyway?

--

The funeral was held just under a month later.

Catherine wore a stunning black dress that was designed by the country’s finest tailors. It was costumized with a dark blue sapphire embroidered right under the collar, with matching beeds hanging from the hem.

Even after her husband’s passing, she still had to look her best.

For hours, she sat in the oriel window of the former queen Catherine of Aragon, watching speeches be given by court members, listening to the sobs of the mourning citizens, forcing herself to hear people praising the king...

It all almost drove her mad.

Henry didn’t deserve to be remembered with affection and grace. He was a tyrant, for christ’s sake! He shouldn’t be given sympathy, he should be shamed and looked down upon, just like all villains are. He took everything for himself, he didn’t care about his children, and he hurt all his wives...

...he didn't hurt her, though.

Throughout his entire life, Henry had been nothing but ruthless to the ones he married. He left Catherine of Aragon behind when he found a woman that he loved more, he beheaded Anne Boleyn all because she couldn't bore him a son, Jane Seymour had to give away her life so he could have a heir to the throne, he had Anna of Cleves come to England from German only to degrade her for her appearance, and he sentenced Katherine Howard to death when she was only 19.

And she had merely outlived him.

She was the only one to have come out unscathed, a surviving soldier upon his fallen friends, and she would have to live with the crushing weight of that for the rest of her live.

--

“Catherine?”

“What is it, Anne?”

“There’s someone waiting for you at the palace door.”

The former queen sighed, letting her shoulders slump. Today had been exhausting, and she had an extremely busy day tomorrow. Who could possibly be wanting to see her now?

“Is something wrong, your majesty?”

“No, I’m fine.” Cathy answered, waving a dismissive hand at her lady in waiting. “I’ll go attend to my visitor right now.”

Anne nodded, and walked out of the doorframe and down the hallway, the clicking of her heels echoing throughout the area.

Catherine swiftly rummaged through her closet until her she found her midnight blue cloak. Then, she threw it on over her white nightgown and pulled the hood over her curly dark brown hair before scurrying out of her bedroom.

As she dashed down the halls of the palace, she couldn’t help feel a sense of nostalgia. As dreadful as the time she had lived there had been, she had called it home for nearly four years, and tomorrow, she was moving out. Where? She didn’t know yet, as her servants had set a place up for her, but were keeping it a secret, so it must’ve been just right for her.

As she strolled down the marble staircase and entered the main hall, she thought about what her future could look like. She wanted to live in a cottage somewhere in the outskirts of Berkshire, away from the public eye. Though she was sure her servants had different plans, it was still a comforting thought. After all that she had been through, she just wanted to live out the rest of her days in peace.

At last, after what felt like an eon of reminiscing as she walked, she finally  reached the two large, mahogany doors that led to the garden. The mysterious guest was awaiting her arrival on the other side, whoever they were.

She wrapped her fingers around the two golden handles on them, and pushed them open.

She then walked outside, and felt her heart soar when she saw who her visitor was.

There, standing a few feet ahead of her, his face illuminated by the bright moon shining thousands of feet above, wearing a shy smile, was-

“...Thomas?”

“You didn’t think I’d leave you behind, did you?”

Catherine rushed into her former husband’s arms, joyous tears filling her eyes as she let out a joyous laugh.

She truly was coming home.

--

The last months of Catherine’s life were the happiest ones.

Four months after she moved out of the palace and into a tiny house in downtown London, she had a secret, private wedding, in which she married her one true love, Thomas Seymour. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t tell anyone besides her close family members, as a marriage so soon after Henry’s death would surely cause a scandal. But as long as she could live with Thomas, she was happy.

Since she wasn’t the queen of England anymore, she had a lot of time on her hands, and she used most of that time to write. She sat in her study for hours, scribbling out little words in ink onto her paper. Words that spoke of love, wisdom, liberation, among hundreds and hundreds of other topics. There was practically nothing that could stop her from writing.

Except for one thing.

August 30th, 1548, was the happiest day of her life. That day was the day that she met her beautiful little girl, Mary Seymour. She’ll never forget how happy she felt when she was handed little Mae, how the little bundle of joy that was sitting on her chest reached her tiny arms out to her and giggled...

She took care of Mae for as long as she could, which was unfortunately only a mere four months. After all, nothing lasts forever.

--

“I’m sorry, my love...” “For what?” “For not doing anything.” “Don’t apologize, Thomas. Things like this are in the hands of fate...”

Catherine laid in what she knew was her soon to be deathbed, Thomas at her side. In his arms was Mae, her innocent brown eyes staring right at her mother.

No one knows for sure what happened, but sometime after her daugther’s birth, the former queen fell ill. She brushed it off, assuming that it was just a cold that would fade away in the coming weeks.

Weeks turned into months, and now she was here, barely able to raise her voice above a whisper.

This was so unfair. She was supposed to live a happy, mostly private life with her husband and her daugther. She was supposed to get her writings published and prove herself to be one of the greatest writers of the century. She was supposed to watch Mae grow up and become a strong, beautiful woman.

Her life wasn’t supposed to end like this.

Then, just as she could feel the energy start to drain away from her body, an idea struck her.

“T-thomas.”

“Yes, dear?” The man in question asked, his voice filled with remorse.

“....p-publish my writings for me.” She uttered, using the last bit of strength she had to squeeze Thomas’ hand. 

He nodded, smiling as tears spilled down his cheeks. “Of course.”

He knew just as well as her that it was time.

She was exhausted, and the room seemed to be getting quite dark.

“...farewell...”

Her dark brown eyes closed, and her hand fell, hitting the royal blue carpet.

She was at peace at last.

Well, for five hundred years, at least.

--

Cathy sat in the kitchen of the queen’s flat, typing out an email to her publisher. Computers were such a pain to use, she was lucky if she made a full sentence with no spelling errors.

It was just one of the many things that she had to get accustumed to in the modern world.

That didn’t mean modern life was bad. In fact, she much preferred it over her former life. No more wearing several hundred coats of makeup, easy and fast transportation, quicker ways of communication such as texting and calling, no risk of getting beheaded by the goverment...

And of course, there was Six.

Six was the best thing that had ever happened to her. It meant feminism, love, strength, all the things that she thought were essential. Though Six, she had connected with her fellow queens and bonded with them over the struggles of living in a man’s world. They could finally tell their stories and find happiness and peace within themselves.

All she needed was Six.

And of course, she didn’t go a day without thinking about Mae and Thomas. The grief of losing them loomed over her, like a pesky raven that just wouldn’t leave her alone. But they were still there with her, through the laughter and the tears, through the singing and the dancing, through the living and the loving.

They were there with her in her heart, and that was just enough for her.

She clicked the ‘send’ button on the email, and stood up from the dark blue chair as she fiddled with the hem of her navy blue t-shirt, and walked out of the kitchen, making sure to grab her sky blue water bottle.

Why did everything always seem so blue?

#six the musical #six catherine parr #maiya quansah breed #anna uzele #vee cross #viquichele cross #athena collins #amelia walker #megan leung #shimail de silva #danielle steers #six the musical west end #six the musical west end 2.0 #six the musical broadway #six the musical uk tour #six the musical bliss #six the musical breakway #tw death #death tw #betty writes

[shatterstar]

Please tell me about shatterstar's Childhood

oh my god anon okay I’m assuming in context of what I’ve recently posted you want like... my version of events rather than what’s canon but just in case I hope you know that there’s basically zero canon material that actually describes his childhood/young adulthood beyond “I was a warrior born” or whatever the fuck. if you want to know about that idk go on the fucken... marvel wiki page or something

also--I hate that I have to put this out here and I doubt anyone would actually do this but just in case--I have spent like 1 million hours thinking about this because I have brain disorders and it is very close to my heart so please do not A) use this in fics, etc without letting me know/getting my permission in advance or B) reblog this post

anyways. this is a can of worms so I’m going to do a cheeky lil

first we have to get something out of the way: I hate the “shatterstar’s his own grandpa” paradox. I am sorry if this angers people but it makes me mad so I ignore it. the reason it bothers me is because it means alison blaire essentially married her grandson, which is A) weird and B) bad from a genetics perspective.

in my version of canon ‘star IS the biological child of longshot and dazzler but longshot wasn’t cloned using ‘star’s DNA because..... oh god... another whole separate post can be made about this but... in my head, on mojoworld the way genetic engineering works is not really the same as it is here. here genetic engineering generally means taking an existing genome and inserting or deleting genes. this is how they make, for example, animals that glow, or confer pesticide resistance to plants.

but on mojoworld I think the way they genetically engineer is more like... the way we mechanically engineer. like the entire organism is built from the ground up. there’s a master genetic blueprint which is essentially the “minimal genome” required for a functioning humanoid. this was created by study of Earth humans by arize and the other genetic engineers. they can then go in and customize by adding elements to the genome that code for the signals/building blocks that control things like height, strength, hair color, eye color, having hollow bones etc. so in my head longshot was sort of... designed with ‘star as the inspiration, but not directly cloned. that wouldn’t even make sense anyways because A) different hair color and B) LONGSHOT HAS 3 FINGERS ON EACH HAND and shatterstar has 4!! thats NOT HOW CLONES WOULD WORK!!!!

(side note, the concept of a minimal functional genome is a real thing in biology! some scientists have taken a bacterium that already has a small genome and reduced it to the minimum size required for viability. here is a wikipedia article on it and here is the original paper (DOI: 10.1126/science.286.5447.2165) which I can explain in more detail because I took a class on synthetic biology which this technically falls under and I had to read this paper very closely).

fuck I’ve written 4 paragraphs and not even talked about his childhood yet. I am so sorry. anyways. so the way I think they raise the gladiators on mojoworld is they create them in batches of 5 to 10 identical copies of a certain “model”, place each copy in a different “class” with a set of 2-3 mentors/teachers, and train them to fight until they are 13 or 14. until this time the only names they have are the names that identify the “model”--like for shatterstar that would be gaveedra-seven where the model identifier is “gaveedra” and he is (in the lore that I have come up with) the 7th of 8 total.

the reason they create multiples and put them in different classes is each mentor is going to have a slightly different style of teaching which is going to work better for some and worse for others, so it allows them to have more mass production while increasing the chances of creating a truly great champion. it’s classic nature versus nurture--the genetic engineers create your nature, but you don’t end up exactly the same as others of your model. maybe you get an edge, maybe you don’t.

another thing that happens is different mentors believe in different ways of raising the kids in their care. shatterstar specifically was raised in a class where there was absolutely zero emotional development at all and no attachments allowed beyond fighting alliances. that’s not the case in all classes, and it also had the effect of making him somewhat of an outsider even within the other gladiators as he got older.

at 13 or 14--and yes I realize this is very fucked up but dude its fucking mojoworld idk what you expected--they start participating in fights. the first ones aren’t to the death and they’re as teams and they’re not usually televised they’re more like high school sports games that are attended by scouts (here, they’re “sponsors”--I think that’s a canonical term but I honestly can’t remember) and if you get sponsored you leave your class and join a new “team” that’s really just a bunch of people who all have the same sponsorship. this is where things can get interesting because they’ve all been raised with slightly different fighting styles but more importantly, slightly different degrees of Personhood.

also at this point I should mention that by this time, there are usually only 2, maybe 3 of each model left. either they died or were recognized as not having talent so they were sent to eventually fulfill other roles in the network. in ‘star’s case there was just him and gaveedra-five. once you get to the stage where you’re sponsored and you’re actually fighting to the death one of the first people you’ll fight is any remaining members of your model group.

by the time you’re the only one left of your group, you’re also eligible to earn a stage name. this usually happens if you have a particularly epic fight with a lot of viewers, you win and the commentators will typically say something like “Let’s give this crowd a real name to cheer!” and they’ll have a few candidate names and they’ll kind of just pick one. AUGH I actually have this scene written out in story form but its too long so I think I’ll save it.... :) 

after you get a name you also get a cool outfit and usually some kind of mark or tattoo that serves as a brand. this brings me to another important point--shatterstar inherited the X-gene from alison and therefore he IS a mutant. his mutation is the swords vibration thing and the glowing eye. the star mark is a tattoo and teleportation is benjamin russell’s mutation (how he fits into all this is... for another post). basically after he got his name the costuming department guys were like “hey your eye glows, you look like the Legendary Warrior of Old, Longshot, we’re gonna pattern your look after him” so they gave him the star tattoo and the outfit that’s literally inverse colors of longshot’s.

also this brings me to another aside: you’re probably wondering “if he’s the biological kid of longshot and alison how are there 8 gaveedras?” when the genetic engineers got a hold on him as a baby they were like Sick! free baby! free genetic material! thats our job done for us! so they cloned him (in the traditional sense) and made 7 copies. this was also to kind of conceal his identity as technically being from outside mojoworld, which would make him stick out and thus be a target. they DID edit out the x-gene in the other gaveedra models though. this wasn’t a problem for ‘star because his mutation didn’t manifest until he was already sponsored.

I think that’s .... pretty much it for macroscopic lore on what it was like to be a kid gladiator on mojoworld. now let me give you some Tidbits of his life specifically:

like I said he was raised in a particularly cold and ruthless class. the mentors that raised him are like well-known by everyone to produce some of the best warriors but also there’s discourse on mojoworld because some people say perfectly emotionless killing machines aren’t as fun to watch. when he was sponsored there were 4-5 others in the same sponsorship and they were like Theres Something Wrong With You LOL

they speak earth languages on mojoworld because they’re imitating the broadcasts they (the spineless ones) used to hear from earth. however, most of the lower-class as well as almost all arena fighters and other television personalities speak cadre or other languages which are native to the planet. the stage names are all vaguely in english, but the gladiators don’t really understand them at first.

shatterstar got his name before he got the glowing eye, and when he learned what stars are, and saw his eye as a little star, he was like wow :) this is Me :) which is why that name is so important to him. it’s also one of the first things that wholly belonged to him.

(you can’t see stars on mojoworld because of light pollution and also because it’s a pocket dimension and there just aren’t that many stars to see)

I hate to bring up the s**ley miniseries but I do think it would be interesting to have him have a sort of ... mentor/first friend, similar to the concept of gringrave but they were NOT in a relationship. it was more like... another kid who was a year or so older than him got a soft spot for him and helped him not be so clueless. she didn’t make as much progress as xforce did, obviously. but they were.... something like friends.

unfortunately she was used by spiral to get shatterstar to murder the first rebel guy who tried to get him out of there. then she got switched sponsors (this can happen) and he had to kill her, and he was like well I will simply never develop any kind of attachment to anyone ever again.

he almost didn’t make it out of the first training session with his sponsorship group (this is semi-canon--there’s a reference when he’s teaching terry to swordfight to almost not surviving the first time he was in a gladiator class or whatever it was).

the closest he ever came to losing was the day he got the name. that’s why the crowds loved it so much.

the double-bladed sword was a gimmick weapon but when he got his mutation they realized it works way better if there’s resonance between two parallel blades so they redesigned it as an actual weapon.

(forgot this but I feel like I should include it) at 17 he escaped the arenas and joined the cadre alliance. two years later he came to earth and joined xforce.

I think that’s going to have to be it for now because it’s literally almost midnight and I have work tomorrow and I did NOT intend to stay up this late but I did. thank you for this opportunity anon :) feel free to ask me any other questions and also I realize a lot of this probably makes no fucking sense and that’s because I am not a writer or anything I’m just a biochemist with brain problems that cause me to obsess over stupid shit

#answered #shatterstar #GHKDJFDKHGRJ I KNOW THERES SOMETHING WRONG W/ ME THAT THIS FEELS LIKE EXPOSING MY SOUL.... #Anonymous #long post #NSCU #<-thats my new tag since other people have asked about this #it stands for nadine shatterstar cinematic universe

[n0-eyedtaissa]

29. "I'm not going anywhere, don't worry." Ruthie Romeo

Ruthie always knew that she could talk to Romeo about anything. His calm, level-headed demeanor was what her sometimes-fiery personality needed. He was someone who could calm her down, someone who could look at a situation from an outside perspective and help Ruthie make sense of it. 

When it was nearing the three-year anniversary of her father’s passing, Romeo noticed that Ruthie was pulling away from them and their other friends. She didn’t want to hang out on the weekends, didn’t want to walk up to Ignacio’s for a late-night snack run, nor did she want to spend any more time at Pop’s than she had to. She was smiling less and sleeping more though she looked as tired as ever. Ruthie’s relationship with her parents was a topic that was never fully breeched with Romeo; he knew the basics and what Dante had told him, but Dante was never all that reliable (or good with specific details for that matter), so Romeo’s understanding of everything was still somewhat fuzzy around the edges.  

“Yeah her dad was mad cool, always working and shit but I remember this one summer Ruth invited me to go bike riding with me and Chase — he was the first parent I ever knew that let me call him by his first name — and we just rode and rode, after we got ice cream at Pop’s...He was a good man. I know Ruth misses him like hell” Dante nodded his head as he remembered.

“Her mom though...Abuela always called her a ‘loose canon’. I think that’s a lot nicer than any of the words I would use to describe her. 

Romeo understood that after Ruthie’s dad died, her mom was never the same and it effected their whole family. He’d heard stories of when Emilie would forget to pay the power bill and the kids would be forced to eat dinner in the dark, the refrigerator smelling sour and rotten now that the food was no longer kept cold. Romeo knew that Ruthie resented her mother, that she was the reason Ruthie had to grow up so fast in order to take care of what Emilie couldn’t. Romeo had heard Maria and Atzi whispering about how Emilie had packed up her old car and left Riverdale, driving down south to spend time in Tennessee with some new guy she connected with somehow — Emilie Ann had always attracted the most dubious suitors. Romeo knew that his grandmother had done a lot for the Soh-Peterson siblings, and though she had no problem with doing that, she did have a problem with a woman who could just up and abandon her children when life got too real and too hard for her to handle. 

“She gets like this every year, depressed or whatever” Dante tries to explain away Ruthie’s sudden absence to Romeo, shrugging.  He wasn’t always the most emotionally competent (especially at his ripe age of seventeen) so Romeo couldn’t help but roll his eyes at his cousin. “It’s probably best to leave her be” 

Romeo rolls his eyes again, knowing he was going to do the opposite. He grabs his sweatshirt and his wallet before making his way out the front door, waiting until Dante was engrossed in some movie that was playing on cable. His first stop is at Ignacio’s where he picks up snacks for the two of them, making sure to pick out all of Ruthie’s favorites: gummy cola bottles, the biggest bottle of blue Gatorade at the bodega, an orange tootsie pop, and a bag of barbecue chips, just in case they needed something salty. When Romeo gets to the counter to pay, Ignacio eyes all the items knowingly. Having seen these kids a thousand times he knew all of their go-to buys, so Ignacio knows the snacks are for Ruthie. 

“Call it even”  Maybe even Ignacio had noticed Ruthie’s absence. Romeo shakes the older man’s hand and grasps the white plastic bag tightly as he made his way towards Sunnyside. 

Romeo tries to be as quiet as possible when he walks up the gravel driveway in front of Ruthie’s house, not wanting to alert her to his presence and shut him out before he even had a chance to be there for her. He takes a deep breath and knocks on the hollow sounding door three times, and just when he thinks that Ruthie isn’t going to answer, he hears the chain slide out of the padlock. 

The door opens slowly and soon Ruthie is standing right in front of Romeo. Her hair looks disheveled, all piled on top of her head with thick curls spilling out after winning the battle against her hair tie. The bags under her eyes are prominent and a bruised-looking shade of purple that tugs at Romeo’s heartstrings. She’s dressed in her pajamas and it’s obvious that she wasn’t expecting company but she still opened the door for Romeo. 

That had to mean something, right?

“Before you kick me to the curb, I come bearing snacks” Romeo smiles sheepishly and hands over the plastic bag. 

Ruthie takes the bag from his hands and peeks inside, and upon seeing all of her favorite treats, she can’t help but shed a tear. Romeo’s thoughtfulness was something that Ruthie was continually stunned by, he always managed to know just exactly what she needed. He just seemed to know, to watch and realize. Like it was some inherent sense...a superpower, even. 

“Oh c’mon now Shorty, you ain’t gotta cry, okay?” Romeo smiles, taking a small step forward and crossing the threshold, extending his arms to sweep Ruthie up into a much needed hug. 

Once Romeo’s arms are around her it’s like Ruthie can relax a little. He can feel some of the tension leave her body. He rubs his hand over her back, trying to sooth her. Ruthie sniffles quietly, her tears falling a little bit freer now. In all of the time that Romeo had known her, he had never seen her cry. Neither had Dante (Romeo knew this because he had asked). 

“She’s not a crier. She’s tough, you know? Stone-cold. That’s why we call her Ruthless.”

Ruthie didn’t feel so tough now. Her arms were latched tight around Romeo and she didn’t care that she was in her pajamas, or that her hair was messy, or that she might have been getting snot on the shoulder of Romeo’s shirt. 

“What’s wrong, Shorty? You okay, hm?” Romeo whispers into her hair, still rubbing her back. He half expected her to lie like she always would, to claim that she was fine and that she had control of the situation, but her reply was honest and that made it all the more heartbreaking:

Ruthie shakes her head. “I’m having a really hard time”

Romeo tightens his grip around her shoulders, as if by holding her tight enough he would be able to transfer some of his energy to her, or he would be able to absorb some of her sadness and do something more tangible with it. 

“I know, Shorty. And I’m so damn sorry for that” Romeo whispers. “I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry.”