#sorry im so inactive ill try to post here more often again!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

minheeskitten · 8 months

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Vent post. Dont read if you dont want to see the following.

Tw: Dysphoria, Negative self talk. S/h ideation. Asexuality talk, arospec talk, queer struggles. suicidal ideation

Something about being on the asexual specturm.

I have the thoughts. I want to be able to write more of them.

But i always feel i write smut best when horny, you know?

Except i dont get that way often, so my reach massively drops every time i stop posting

I do love writing but the asexuality can make it hell to feel inspired to write smut.

Ive stopped wriring as much because my asexuality hits me like a truck. I dont get as wxcited as i did before.

Purity culture fucked me over so bad i cant even be normal about sexuality. Makes me feel broken for being ace.

My full queer identity is as follows, Transmasc genderfluid. Aroflux, panromantic, lithsexual, demisexual, bisexual.

Being so deeply aroace makes it hard because i feel like i dont fit in, you know?

And being transmasc in a sea of comfortable femme afab readers and writers just makes it hard for me to feel involved wheni wanna write things id absolutely enjoy.

Rhe dysphoria also hits really hard because of being someone who if you saw irl without any knowledge of my identity, youd go 'oh a woman.'

Feeling pretty dysphoric lately and been rhinking about trying to get onto Testosterone.

Most of my moots are afab and use feminine pronouns and im out here like the only transmasc here.

Im worried that people dont interact because they cant relate or cant find me. But if its not relating then how do i fix the issue? Being trans is integral to who i am. And i feel bad because of how little i can post and talk to others.

Honestly i hate being inactive. I loved my followers on my old account but i dont know how to get rhem back, because they followed me for the x reader things that i do not do anymore.

I dont do x reader because it feels wrong weiting for fem readers when im transmasc and incredibly dysphoric some days.

I cant write afab often because it makes me uncomfortable in my skin. Maybe if i get top surgery ill feel better.

Im hoping i can top surgery and be on T. Because im incredibly dysphoric as of late and just dont want to have my tits anymore. I want to be a guy.

I dont want bottom surgery that doesnt make me dysphoric its just my breats being so large.. Double D cups are not fun especially when you're trans.

Sometimes i just want to cut them off and never aee rhem again. But i know that i cant DIY that sort of thing. That would be deadly. And i dont want to abandon all of the friends ive made on here and other places.

I feel like my body was wasted on me, because i cant appreciate it the way it is. Makes me feel incredibly awful about myself. My self image is terrible.

I feel like dying would be better some days yet i dont want to leave any of my friends. They mean so much to me. Anyone who interacts means the world to me.

Rhe idea of death is a concept ive found intriguing for years. But im not sure id be able to commit. But it always starts with a bit of seld harm, doesnt it?

Sorry if this was something sad on your dash today coming from a smut blog. I dont think you were expecting that from me today.

I dont know if ill make rhis sort of vulnerable post again, but i hope that this at least gives you some of my perspective.

If you read this, thank you for taking the time to read this.

I know rhis was a vent post but like. I needed to say it.

#talks <3 #serious post #vent post #transmasc #transgender #asexual #aromantic #acespec #arospec #aroace

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renjingujifortheladies · 5 years

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**update**and happy fall ;) guidelines

im going to reschedule my blog time. i will delete the app from my tablet because it makes me obsessively refresh and feel like its broken in some way. when its not.

ive been only realizing this now but i had close to 1000 subs (even tho most of them inactive or moved or personal blog who followed me once and idk stayed?) and now i have 800 something. its not the number that bothers me but the fact that these are all those nasty nude girl bot blogs... i really dont care about the number since i myself follow like 30 ppl at most

i checked the last 3 month activity and in june i had 50 reblogs on threads which is not too shabby in july i had 28 in august i had 5 (granted i was off for like two weeks) and since the beginning of september i had 9 (i also counted in the inbox replies i did)

i dont know how anyone is with it but i follow very few people and i even go back to the day before and recognize where my dash was when i went to bed. its compulsive and its bad because i get myself hyped up then i feel shit when i scroll past so many threads that has nothing to do with me. and im not about that. im about the fun and im glad others are having fun. i also remember sending out memes but dont remember to whom and how many. if it was excessive im sorry and if yall dont feel like answering just drop it and delete it. same goes for threads if you wont feel like something anymore tag me into a thread drop post and the thread and ill just like it and stop waiting on it.

and this is me saying literally that i have nothing better to do then sit and refresh when i could be (and should be tbh) doing something else. im not being negative about it but i feel like its pointless for me to reblog inbox meme compilations and the like.

it starts to feel like less as a hobby then a device to torture myself because even over extended period of time i dont get anything. and when i do its unhealthy how hyped i get about it and drop everything i do to reply.

i think about my ships even though i wait sometimes months for a thread to move forward. i dont lack in ideas and even tried to do just drabbles but i got scared of those even because i think what if the other party will think i interpret their muse in a way they wont portray and drop me completely. (i did get shit for that a long time ago)

i dont write headcanons even though i think of them often because most of my muses dont even get requested and if by some miracle i get to try them out its literally 3 notes in and never hear from the new partner again. also if i do introduce myself to new blogs i follow and ive stressed this before so many times.... if i get ignored i get pissed. i get pissed if someone follows me then i follow them back and even chat them up and they ignore me unfollow me (without my dumbass noticing because im not about the numbers) and i like their starter call because they are still on my dash and then they spat out a “mutuals only” message i loose my cool.

i love the people i regularly play with and the reason why im so hesitant to even accept new followers or follow someone when the mood strikes is exactly because im at the end of my rope here. i dont want to hate coming on here because new people ruin my experience and then my friends who actually do bomb threads with me have to deal with my sour ass because others pissed me off.

so long story short;

*dont expect me to give you more than 3 weeks waiting time to interact and get something going on if you are new, * ill come online once a week do all my replies put them into queue and maybe at the most lurk and reblog pictures tagging my partners whos ship it may concern * i wont reblog inbox one liner meme anymore. its pointless and just makes me get upset with myself. (although i will participate in tags if someone tags me) that being said my inbox is open (and empty) and everyone is welcome (yes anon is also welcome) * i wont put out and wont like starter calls. those are the things that break my spirit the most. i dont need a starter to have 3 notes in and never continued. * i WILL literally drop a thread if i write an extensive reply and get like at the maximum 3 lines of reply. that is the biggest disrespect in my book and im done making exceptions even if we are years long partners. its just rude and you can move your brain a little to write more than a paragraph. * i WILL block you if you ask for a starter and let it sit after 3 notes in because fuck you thats why.

i hope you all have a lovely day or night wherever you are , stay safe and stay hydrated. eat fruits and sleep lots. 💝

#ooc #guidelines

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