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#sorry mom that must be scary af
hellsbellschime · 8 months
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i'm really sorry you're going thru such a difficult time. i know what it's like to live with a mentally ill person and it's never easy. when i was a teen i lived with my mom and step-dad and he was bipolar (divorced now thank god). it was always a minefield having to deal with him because he either was always having his meds adjusted or he decided to get off his meds because he thought he didn't need them anymore and was coping with alcohol instead. i remember once when i was 14 he had been drinking and not taking his meds and it was like 2am and he was blasting music and screaming at his cat because he said she was talking back to him. i turned the music down and was walking back to my bed when he came out of nowhere and started to choke me. thankfully my mom and his daughter had also woken up because it took them both to pull him off me. sadly that wasn't the last of him in my life, took my mom years to get strong enough to leave him.
idk how volatile your situation is, but i hope you can stay safe. it's scary how unpredictable they can be, especially when they aren't properly medicated. is there any way you could report the car stolen? because that could possibly help you start the process of having her being put on a psychiatric hold if she committed a crime/is a danger to others. or maybe it's time to tell her that she needs to make other arrangements because you cannot keep taking care of her. i know she's your mom so you probably feel an obligation to her, but your first priority should be to your own health and happiness. it feels selfish saying that, at least for me since i grew up with the mentality that you should put others first, especially elders/family. but when they are toxic and hurting you i think it's ok to be selfish.
Jesus Christ I'm sorry you had to deal with that, I know it's a nightmare at any age but when you're a kid it's extra terrifying. It's also weird to think about in retrospect, like I know how maddening it is now that I'm an adult, I know that every other adult in her life bailed because they just couldn't take it, so to be dealing with that as a child must have been so scary that my brain literally protected me from fully processing it all. And a lot of people don't realize it or don't have bipolar that's that severe, but my mom is also one whose mania can get so intense that she literally becomes delusional which is also scary af, it sucks that we both had to deal with that as children. She's a "how about I don't take meds and just drink/do my own drugs to solve my problems" type too, which again is it's own fucking nightmare because dealing with a mentally ill alcoholic is REALLY not the tea.
It's actually ironic, the other day my mom ditched me at the Taylor Swift concert we went to and she talked about a conversation she had with someone else where she sort of jokingly said that every time she disappears on me I think she's dead. It activated a weird memory that I just hadn't thought of for a while, because it's actually true, and it's because when I was a kid she would just vanish and leave me at home for sometimes days without calling or saying anything, and when she said that I just had a very vivid flashback of my childhood before I understood that this was just a thing that was going to happen and literally sat there alone, terrified, crying my eyes out and trying to stay up all night because I was too scared to go to sleep in my house by myself and literally being so sure that she didn't come home because she was dead. Which was something I went through more than once before I realized okay, she's not dead, she's just not coming home for some reason. And again, it was a weird insight into the total disconnect between us, because in her mind this is just some kooky problem I have and I was immediately like OH NOPE I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THAT TRAUMA COMES FROM
Thankfully my mom is weak af now and I'm not though, we sort of got into it a few weeks ago and she did try to like, hurt my wrist, but she's so goddamn weak and I remembered at least enough Krav Maga to know how to hold myself steady, so we had a bizarre standoff that I think actually lowkey intimidated her or at least made her realize she can't do dick to me, because she was trying to bend my wrist with all her might using both hands and I just locked my arm completely straight and she literally could not move it. I think she could see in my eyes that I was like "mmm you sure you want this smoke asshole" and she realized she didn't.
And yes, I have been contemplating reporting my car stolen for the last hour or so because she has now been gone for almost 24 hours and has not answered her phone once even though I have called over 60 times in the last hour-ish. When or if she does come back I honestly do want to say that she should just GTFO, I mean again she's contributing absolutely nothing, she hasn't paid rent the entire time we've been here anyway and while I don't think we're ACTUALLY going to get evicted, her behavior has been kooky enough that clearly people in the building have reported it and it was enough for the landlord to send an official written warning. So like, sure, if you don't want to contribute shit and just want to go off living your manic cracked out dreams, go away and let me actually live a life without your crazy for once.
LOL and not even kidding, in the process of me writing this whole rant she finally picked up her phone, told me she'd be home in an hour, and promptly hung up on me. I'm honestly going to lose my mind.
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TW a vent maybe? Maybe abuse definitely messy family shit
I feel like my family is abusive. Which is. Weird ig, because it's not physical. The most "physical" it's ever been was lol when I was little and got my mouth washed out with soap all the time for sticking out my tongue. Nothing violent ever happened. Its just words. Words that don't count bc we're "family". Nothing ever matters when it happens to me tho. It's always just something I need to handle by myself. I have to " stop being so sensitive" or "stop fighting back" or "learn to be quiet"... It doesn't count bc it's my siblings or its my parents...that's shit you're supposed to work out on your own. Everyone has family issues so I figure everyone else must be this miserable too.
But I get so tired. I figure ok I'm not made for this life, yknow? I'm too sensitive, so its on me. But I don't like being constantly put down, I don't like it when I voice a boundary and instead of people listeningz they think "oh shoot a new way to hurt this person's feelings! Yay" and not only do they get encouraged for that but I get in trouble for being upset. I don't like being bullied by siblings or by my dad and I don't like how I'm a nuisance to my mom if I complain or fight back when they do it but I'm also nothing more to her than someone to vent to. I don't like that I'm the black sheep of the family. I don't like that I keep getting told that if I'm the only one upset or the only one really hurt, then what happened didn't matter. Bc it's a "majority rules" house and I've never been part of the majority. I feel like I've never been home and I'm so sick of wishing I could be. I don't want to call what I'm going through abusive bc 1. That's scary and 2. I could be wrong and just be another kid getting up in arms over shit that doesn't really matter bc it happens to everyone. Even though I don't even believe kids like that are really running around all the time lol and I'm also an adult. So. Yeah. But I really, really wish someone would just toss me some advice or tell me I'm not just a fucking wimp or say "what's happening is fucked"-I want someone to say " that isn't normal" or SOMETHING. I want help. I want someone to give af. I wanna hear that I'm in a bad situation and someday, Ill find a home. I don't know how to explain it but I just want whatever anyone can offer. If you just post this as a vent and nothing else, that's fine too, I guess I'm just grasping at straws and I'll take anything at this point
-Luci
Hi Luci,
I'm sorry about what you've been through. You don't deserve to go through this. You're right that these things aren't normal.
While I know that a lot of people have experienced soap in the mouth as punishment, it's actually not okay and there are better ways to discipline. Plus, it sounds like unusually cruel punishment for just sticking out your tongue.
Please remember that abuse doesn't have to be physical to be valid, and it doesn't have to be physical to be violent either. Also please remember that abusers are more likely to be people you know, such as family, so being family isn't really an excuse for doing hurtful and traumatizing things. Verbal and emotional abuse are real, and it can absolutely happen within families.
I know you've been told a lot that you're too sensitive and such, but you're really reacting in an expected way because it's expected to cry out if you're hurt. I feel like someone who says "you're too sensitive" is only trying to be hurtful, because they should be more mindful of how that may affect you.
As far as calling it abusive, it's completely up to you how you label or describe your experiences, but it may be helpful to imagine it in a different way. Let's say I'm living in a house with some housemates, and they tell me to stop fighting back, that I'm too sensitive, and to learn to be quiet. They constantly say degrading things to me and violate my boundaries, and they justify it because we're friends. I'm always the scapegoat and when we have meetings they all vote for things I don't agree on. Is this abusive? The answer may be clearer to you. Ultimately, it isn't right. Whether or not you want to call it abusive is completely up to you.
I hope that you can reach a place soon where you could maybe limit some contact with them so they can not only potentially realize the gravity of their actions but you can improve your mental health. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
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chap 5 review i finally have time lets go i hate school:
tommy learning asl just to fuck with wilbur lmao
also when wilbur stepped up for tommy after he couldnt speak was awesoem i love crimeboys
its so interesting the relarionship between tommy and his old coach bc its such a complicated mess that really fucked tommy up but it hurts more relaizing that the entire public saw it (or parts of it) too and nto saying anything until his mom was lkke hey thats gfucked up loike the public knew that old cheif only cared abt racing while phil cares abt tommmy
crimeboys are becoming friends <3
also damn wilburs accident was pretyy severe.
im kinda excited for when the new team figures out abt tomys trauma and insecurites (if they do lol)
also imagine walking into a pillow fight. phil be like "alright then"
also i like all th e side characters too especaillh purpled and aims
chapter 6 too bc yeah:
beach beach beach
also wtf why is wil tht good. he has no right.
toomy stop hating on urself phil cares abt u
give wil false hope lmao ope theere he is right thwre
stop. tommy stop. stop hating on urself being deaf is fine phil isnt gonna hate u anyway how u constanty compare everything to old cheif is very important bc it shows how its different
hes being kidnapped lets go i love beach scene beach (i actually ahve horrible memories from florida beaches we went at the wrong time of year)
george founder is an absolutely badass name good job on that one
dream isnt the old cheif relally???? im genuienly surprised but thats cool. nice to actually see him in a dsmp fic where hes actually chill. also sapnap i forgot he cuased the accident that must be awkward af (tommy stop blaming urself)
yeah no u show his lack of self confidence/esteem perfectly u take so many W
oh my god 🦀 makes an appearance hes such a celebrity
wait fuck all my brain proccessed was crab legs its a hermitcrab
mother of twitch prime. that is a tommy thing to say
yeah take em aids off that must be annoying as hell
is it just me or do i sense that tommy isnt accepting that hes HOH now hmm :/ | yeah losing smth as important as a sense must be scary if u've had it for so long
istg is wil gonna bully him into- and he did (also was it him 🦀? is he in the full throttle?)
hes learning asl im so happy oh shit not them waves i once got rolled by waves its scary af
oh no old cheif angst again ahh. and wil being concerned ahh this will be character development. this is crucial scene alret. oh they laughing awwwww oh he smile a /gen smile !!!!!!!!!1 crimeboys brainrotting full throttle version commence omg he likes wil now- ope nvm
"theyre different from his old crew. all of them are" YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
hes not that worried in sim. anymore abt being good
oh no his left ear but itll be ok
"hen slips away to his room to ruminate on the fact that never—not in his whole racing career—has he felt so loved by his team as he does now. He’s not worth it. He’s a fuck up, a failure, and he’s going to disappoint them.  He doesn’t want it to end." i will live for the moment when he fucks up. its gonna be so great for character development
ok this chap. is very long so im splitting to parts byeeee sorry this took so long school sucks :( but full throttle does not :)
Ahhh thank you!!!!!
Yeah, I don’t think Tommy really realized how much the public knew until that interview with Wilbur, either. The public saw and knew (to a certain extent) that something was wrong or “off” about Tommy and his chief’s partnership for a long time, but no one ever tried to step in and ask about it, or tell him that he should leave him and find a new chief, or say anything at all on Tommy’s behalf… Writing that part hurt.
Idk how far you’ve gotten by the time this response comes (lol sorry it took so long. University stole my soul for a little while), but… the moment he “fucks up” will definitely be coming 👀
Thank you for the message!!! I giggled at the hermit crab😂
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cryptidofthekeys · 2 years
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Today was rough. The Lady Bits doctor I saw wants me to go to a therapist before I even think of getting my tubes tied. And she said that she "Doesnt Feel comfortable" giving someone my age a tubal. I know this is the norm for women seeking sterilization,I understand I live in a southern deeply conservitive state and town,I understand being hesitant but I NEED a tubal.
I have chronic illnesses and mental illnesses and so much trauma,I feel it'd be selfish of me to even think about having a baby.
I'm glad my mom was woth me because I shut down pretty quickly,and ma advocated for me the best she could.
I feel upset and embarrassed and anxious.
The doctor didnt even LISTEN to me. She advised an IUD or The Pill,but I dont want those.
I just feel so upset.
Sorry for the word blurb,I'm just upset
Imma put this under a keep reading as to not clog up too much
-----------
okay fuck that doctor in particular, fuck her- she shouldnt deny you something that you n e e d- considering you have as you said, chronic illnesses and mental illnesses and trauma- and dont wanna have a baby, i dont want one either tbh but for an obviously different reason but no doctor should deny shit like this when you need it and you shouldnt have to ‘go to a therapist’ beforehand for a matter like this, this is one of the many issues with ahem c*nserv*tive states- its bc of shit like this,,
if a doctor doesnt listen to you then its time to seek out a new one, i know thats easier said than done and scary af but it’d be best to seek out a new doctor in the long run bc uh, that shit is not okay, its just like- once i start T if a doc doesnt listen to me and starts tryna pull some  bullshit, im immediately getting up, leaving and finding a new doctor no questions ask, women should be able to get sterilization when they want it, it shouldnt be such a restrictive area- like if someone doesnt want to have a baby then that is literally THEIR right?? i dont give a flying fuck if your a doctor or not,, doctor or no doctor- you cant just control people’s rights like that, if someone doesnt want a baby and wants their tubes tied, then they should be able to have that done
but man,, just,, fuck her, that pisses me off so much and im so sorry you had to deal with that shit, ahem, towns and or states like that are definitely... just... e u g h with certain things,, just,, “doesn’t feel comfortable” my ass, thats just a shitty excuse to use when its actually like ‘lmao nah i just wanna be bigoted’ or ‘i just wanna deny you of your rights, you cant have your tubes tied you are woman! you must,, have babies y e s!’ like lmao honey, its 2022 shit shouldnt be like this by no means
but damn i hope you can find,, like an a c t u a l doctor who ya know,, will treat you right and actually fucking LISTEN for once in their goddamn lives :/
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doulyeah-the-simp · 2 years
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Jujutsu Kaisen ep4 thoughts :
90% ? So not everyone is out ?
Ah got it 5 of them are there
YES TELL US EXACTLY WHAT A CLASS S IS THANK YEW
Oh damn aight
And Itadori deadass ate a class S thingy okok
Oh- no fighting
Sneaky time
Oooooh not the mom noooo it’s sad
Itadori went :C and tbh same
WOOOOH TEAM WORK YASSSS
Yeee opening 🤩
Love how we learn things along with Itadori
DOG BBY “but Dahlia it’s a wolf”- PUPPY
Counting on the dog for the door got it
NOOOOO TADASHI DED THAT SO SAD the poor mum
Oh it’s a prisoooon
I mean depending on why he got put in prison then maybe it aint that sad 😬
OOOOOOOOH
Aight it aint that sad he ded then sorry
NOBARA NO
PUPPY NO
AAAAAAAAAHH THIS ONE’S FUCKING SCARY
YES MOVE BITCH M O V E
Oh i bet we’re gonna see sukuna 😳
HIS HAND-
Okokok he can regrow it right ????? Bc Sukuna and shit so he can regrow it right ???
NOOO HE SMILED WHEN TELLING HIM TO LEAVE 😭
Ah shit nonono that must hurt af ew no
The grandpa’s words we keep on hearing plz no 😭
NOBARA NO EW
Ah oof great that was a nice save thank you Megumi
NO ITADORI BBY DONT CRY NO
Oh boi
OH BOI
YAS YAS GIVE US SUKUNA WOOOOOOOH
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳
I am L👁👁king
Oh that was so cool
He’s so casual I love it 100% here for it
I could listen to him talk for hours fr fr
OOOOOH THAT WAS COOOOOL
Oh he took the finger back nice
Uhm
Itadori
Tf
What are you waiting for
WAIT IS THAT FR THE END OF THE EPISODE
👁👄👁
AND MEGUMI’S WAITING OUTSIDE ?????????
Oh boi
OHHHH A FIGHT BETWEEN MEGUMI AND SUKUNA NEXT EPISODE 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
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morizoras-cave · 4 years
Text
Drink (Request)
Ryan Reynolds x teen!daughter!reader
Genre: angst, fluffy ending
Request Description: Could you maybe do a Ryan Reynolds x teen!reader where the reader maybe goes to a party and something gets slipped into her drink but she calls Ryan and says she doesn’t feel well and he gets her and looks after her? Only if this is okay for you to write and you feel comfortable doing it. I love you work so much🥺 Thank you!🤍
Warnings: attempted rape, drugging, language
(A/N): this is my first ryan reynolds post. v excited. reading this back, i realized that this could be taken as victim blaming. the beginning part where ryan is talking about how his daughter “shouldn’t wear that dress out” was more of a “awww look hes a protective and good dad”. i dont believe in victim blaming at all. (off topic here) also i wrote the last part of this drunk af. anyway i hope y’all still enjoy. now smell you later losers!! break begun!
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“Y/n, you are not going to a party in that outfit!”
You glared at your dad, who was both shaking his head and wagging his finger in disapproval. 
“What’s so wrong with this dress?” you protested, crossing your arms. 
“The boys and the girls will be after you in seconds! I will not have some sweaty teen thinking something nasty about my daughter!” his voice was high (as always), as he squealed his argument. You rolled your eyes. 
Your mom walked into the room to grab something from the fridge, but stopped and looked at you. “Nice dress, N/n, you going to a party?” 
“Don’t encourage this!” Ryan hissed and you smiled scornfully. Blake’s laughter came throughout the room and she stopped beside you with her glass of milk in her hand. 
“Calm down, Ryan. She’s growing up!” 
“Nuh uh!” your dad looked away, still unsatisfied. You couldn’t help but giggle. 
“Y/n, just go to your party. I’ll deal with the grump lord,” your mom pushed you towards the entrance. Ryan’s face twisted into that of someone betrayed by his closest. 
“Woah, woah, woah! Grump lord? I have a code name? In my own house?” 
You skipped to the entrance room, sliding on your jacket and your shoes, smiling playfully. “Wait!” your dad yelled and footsteps nearing you, as he jogged to the entrance. You looked at him. 
“Just.. Call me if you’re in trouble. Anything at all,” he knew he was defeated. Although, you loved basking in the glory of victory, you couldn’t help but smile at your dad’s kind words.
“I will,” you promised.
The party was loud and booming. Every inch of the house was hot (in an uncomfortable way) and crowded, teenagers rubbing against each other and dancing. You found yourself with your friends in the living room, dancing to the sound of a Nicki Minaj song. 
“I’m gonna go get a drink!” you yelled over the music. Your friends, extremely intoxicated and doing ‘the stanky leg’, gave you a mindless thumbs up, and continued to dance. You giggle was drowned out in the music. 
You squeezed your way past different people, finally making it to the table with all the liquor. The boy who was hosting had miraculously bought enough for there to just be an all-you-can-drink table. 
The unnerving feeling of someone watching you became immediately clear. You looked around, finding the person fairly quickly. It was a boy, maybe a couple of years older than you, with a drunken gaze and tousled hair. He was smirking at you. You rolled your eyes and poured yourself a gin and tonic. 
The moment the drink was finished, someone poked your shoulder. You looked up. It wasn’t the same boy as before. This one was bigger and broader. He had the same knowing smirk on his face. You felt unnerved.
“Hey. Is this your friend over here? They look pretty smashed, you might want to check on them,” he pointed to somewhere behind him, taking all your attention from your drink to your idiot friends. You told them not to drink too much.
“Can you show me where they are?” you mumbled and the boy nodded, pulling you away from your drink. He led you to somewhere entirely different in the house, where a girl you’d never seen in your life was doubled over, puking on the poor host’s carpet. 
“I don’t know this girl,” you explained and the boy’s mouth made an ‘o’ shape. He sighed and then shrugged.
“Sorry, I thought I saw you talking earlier. Sorry to bother you,” then he walked off. You shook your head at the weird incident and walked back to you drink. You started gulping it down hungrily, deciding you were definitely too sober to be at this party.
 Almost immediately, you started feeling extremely drunk. Extremely. Which was weird, you thought, but it was hard to concentrate on it, when the environment was so loud and your thoughts were so blurry. 
Then, slowly, you realised that you didn’t usually feel like this when you were drunk. You tried to rationalise it. Maybe you just put too much gin in your drink? Maybe you had forgotten that you’d drunk something? Whatever the case, you started feeling weird. 
Everything was spinning. You wouldn’t have been able to find your friends if you wanted to. Then, in your chaotic state, your eyes passed someone else’s eyes, and you recognised them. It was the boy from earlier, the broad one, smirking at you. This time, his smirk felt alarming. Chilling. 
That moment was when the penny dropped. Your head snapped to the other boy, the one who’d just watched you. He gave you a grin. 
You were shaking, blinking away tears. You realised the position you were in. You were prey. And you were vulnerable. You took a few shaky steps, trying to make it seem like you hadn’t just realised you’d been roofied. 
When your back was turned to them, and you were stood behind a wall of dancing bodies, you pulled out your phone from your bag. You couldn’t tell if it was your vision, or if your hands were shaking, but everything was buzzing, unable to keep still. 
Your finger hovered over his number. What if you weren’t roofied? What if you were just drunk and silly? How embarrassing would that be? You felt tears prick your eyes. 
His voice echoed in your head. “Call me if you’re in trouble. Anything at all.”
You pressed down on his number, bringing the phone to your ear. You could hardly form a sentence. Everything was moving and it was so loud. 
“Hello?” Your dad’s voice was like cutting open this hellspace to some sort of heaven. It felt safe. You closed your eyes, a tear running down your face. 
“Hi, dad,” you had to yell, “can you- can you come pick me up?” 
There was a moment of silence from the phone, before he said: “Sure, why? You’re at Erik’s house, right?” 
“Yeah, Erik’s house. Let’s talk about this later!” then you hung up. It almost felt like your heart was shaking in your chest. It was too much, all of it. You could hardly walk, but you took a step towards the door, then several more. 
You feverishly grabbed the door handle, trying desperately to open the door, but you weren’t strong enough. It was a chilling realisation, that you weren’t even strong enough to open a door. 
“Do you need a help?” 
You jumped and shrieked, but it was drowned out by the music. No one noticed. You looked up and you had to stand there for a moment, before you realised that it wasn’t any of the boys you’d seen before. 
This boy looked concerned. You couldn’t even process how you must look, tear-streaked face, ruined makeup, shaking and helplessly grasping a door. You didn’t care. 
“Here,” he mumbled and opened the door for you. You whispered a ‘thank you’, and wobbled out on the street. You heard the boy leave, but you kept standing there, waiting uncomfortably for your dad to show up. 
Eventually, you saw his car pulling up in the distance. You breathed out in relief and dashed to his car, opening the door and sitting down beside you dad. He was looking at you, brows furrowed in concern. 
It was a scary thing. He was always afraid of seeing you like that. Seeing you scared and drunk and desperate. As you sat down his hand grasped yours. 
“Are you okay, Y/n? What happened?” 
You shook your head. You felt so unfocused. It was impossible to understand everything that was going on. You missed being sober. “My- My drink,” you mumbled senselessly, unable to speak normally. 
“What about your drink?” Ryan pressed, squeezing your hand. You were his child. He loved you. He was worried. Beyond belief.
“I-I think someone.. I think someone put something in it..” you mumbled, head swinging. You were far from the normal you. Everything was swinging right by you. 
“You think someone..?” Ryan trailed off. You saw his knuckles turn white as he grasped the steering wheel angrily. “Did they- Did they touch you?”
You shook your head. You saw your dad breathe out in relief, his hand never leaving yours. 
“Alright, I’ll just drive you home. It’ll be fine,” he mumbled (mostly to himself) as he started the car and drove away from the booming, partying house. “It’ll be just fine, N/n.”
He kept mumbling to himself, but you fell asleep in the car. Eventually everything was too much for you, so you just decided to close your eyes. It was a good decision. Sleep was so peaceful. 
Ryan drove you home, carrying you into their house and into your room. “What’s wrong with her?” Blake would yell, confused and scared, but Ryan would just focus on getting you to bed. 
“She was roofied. Someone put something in her fucking drink! She could’ve been- She could’ve been fucking raped!” he ranted to his wife, whilst you slept peacefully in the other room. 
Needless to say both your mom and your dad were much more overprotective after that, both with parties and with boys. But it was okay. You woke up safe and sound, and you were happy your dad had gotten you before something awful happened.
Honestly, you didn’t oppose their overprotectiveness, because after that night you felt like you needed it. No matter what way you twisted it, that night fucked you up. You weren’t as reckless or careless after that. And you got help from a professional, but still. It was an awfully traumatising experience. 
You were just happy your dad had been with you that night. And that he cared for you. Of course, he would. He was your dad. He loved you more than anything else in the world. You had no reason to worry, not when you had your dad by your side. 
___________________________
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sketcheydyslexic · 3 years
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ugh i forgot how petty school was. i'd honestly prefer it if people assumed me and my female or enby friends were in a relationship cuz i am very overprotective of my friends (that includes you hun <3) and it does prevent boys from flirting with my lesbian friend. although my country is very, hmmmm homophobic unprogressive let's say, so it's unlikely people will assume my friends and i are dating. recently i'm destroying the idea that i'm the innocent friend in the group(LMAO AS IF) it basically means i make my self proclaimed "oldest sibling" friend have an existential crisis :3 and i am enjoying the chaos :D
i actually got into the fandom last year i think??? not sure but i was definitely settled in by mid 2020. i knew about undertale when it came out i just never got involved in the fandom. it was definitely the fanfics and reader insert that pulled me in cuz a friend dared me tah read a sans x reader fic (i don't remember which :'() and then i read six skeletons and one maid, then skeleton squatters and the landlady them boom i'm into undertale again but now i'm obsessed with skeletons (my favorite characters are actually napstablook, BP and *dreamy sigh* grillby <3 but don't tell the skeletons)
the problem i have with english is when i have to speak. i keep using filler words like umm uhhh, i also keep stuttering, repeating words and i keep forgetting specific words. i'm also a rambler, a fast talker and a mumbler with people i'm not comfortable with (which some people like to point out but i just mumble more just to spite them) :0 a discord server?? yes pleasee although i haven't used discord in a while now cuz all the servers i'm in is ded :( (also had to drop discord for mental health reasons multiple times, some people are really mean) so i'm definitely rusty af. i'm also a lurker but i'll try tah chat more cuz i need more undertale friends.
i'd probably be chill in seeing ghost pap assuming that he's a hybrid monster, half skeleton half idk ghost???? would definitely invite him in tho, get to know him still unknowing that he's an actual ghost. i was just worried that you were pushing yaself in getting match ups done hun. i didn't even bother remembering the ahole boyfriend in home for the lost souls 👋😤 imma throw hands if he hurts mc. GAH you're the kind of author that likes seeing us readers hurt aren't ya, mc's suffered enough bro (can't blame ya tho, i love me sum angst but i love giving angst and feels more 🤭)
sometimes playing video games give me bad anxiety and it triggers my paranoia so i rarely play them but i do watch people play them. i never really considered writing something even tho i have soooo much idea in my head. the thing is when i daydream i usually have an idea then build that up and as much as i'd love to write them i'm absolutely intimidated with the idea of actually writing it since i tend to jump from one idea to another and all the potential stories are lost forever :'(
for example, last week i was daydreaming about my mc being friends with the og skele bros featuring big brother gaster and the start of the "story" was mc barging in the bros mansion and seeing the alternate skeletons (without the other gasters since i still have no interpretation of au gasters) so sans and gaster are in trouble. in this daydream there were already other monsters coming out of the au machine in the labs underground and sans has a similar machine tht he used to get gaster out of the void. so there's already a procedure for newly arrived monsters, sans and gaster were just too stupid to ask for help and the didn't wanna get in trouble for messing with their machine, toriel's scary when she's angry. i was mainly daydreaming about shenanigans with the skeletons and a certain "chapter" there was a party by swap napstaton while mettaton's away, and rather than focusing on mc's and skeletons' relationship i wanted some outertale grillby action. this week's daydream is about bad guy poly and fresh fluff. a "chapter" was about how fresh didn't need to get new host but let his body rejuvenate with science sans' help (insert sum bs science here) so fresh is a parasite in my "story" and has a soul. so yes my brain has way too much ideas and by the time i decide to write about it, i already have a new story idea
the only thing that happened today was me making an drawing with some fresh and my self insert fluff with a background!!!!!! i suck at picking colors so i took a break from it to try again tomorrow. anyways, don't forget to take ya meds, drink ya water (i have a 2 liter water bottle i'm currently reusing that i keep in my room and it keeps me hydrated), eat something and take a rest kay honeybees -love 💛🍯 anon maybe not anon next time ;) <3
I don't mind much of others opinions of me, I just keep doing my own little thing. I like to mind my own business but also help people when they need it. Awe, honey 🥺 you wanna protect lil old me? I won't stand up for myself often, but I'm ready to for you!
BAHAHAHA that's golden, I was always the mom friend along with that: in recent times I've been hearing an array of concerning things from my friends the one that sticks out most is “Dilf milkers” and simply cannot with them anymore 😂😭 I think I fit the bill as a wine aunt more so than a mom friend. Maybe even the dad friend.
I got in to the fandom a little after It first came out but now I'm hyperfixationg on it again because it is my comfort game! I've read everything wattpad has to offer and now ao3 is getting a little had to find anymore gems on. So I started writing my own! I adore napstablook <3<3<3 he is my favorite if not the skeletons.
My birth laguage IS english and i still cant do basic communication right lmao. I just don't like to talk, my brother is part deaf so I learned a bit of sign to talk with him more comfortably but it's not enough to hold a very strong conversation with- I was actually accidentally selective mute for a while and wouldn't really talk other than when it was forced out of me. now that I think about it- I probably still would be if I didn’t make myself talk more.
I’m probably going to open the server after the raffle ends on the. 20th, just to keep things in order- But who knows? Maybe I’ll post the join link sooner. It was originally going to be just an art stream thing I wanted to do to try out streaming since I’m never done it before... but I don’t know about that just yet. I too, am a lurker💀 I don’t text often but when I do I have a lot to say or share. :( yeah, people are jerks a lot of the time, I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I too need more undertale friends, ones that I actually talk too instead of just being mutuals with Lmao.
If monsters were already a thing I knew about I’d be chill, but if he just popped up, and I didn’t know monsters were real? Stars save me. Mentally ill skeleton here I come baby 🏃💨.
I feel bad for not getting them done faster but good lord I didn't expect more than 1-7 people to send in an ask. Haha! He is either going to be maybe-kinda excusable in the readers eyes or you all will just hate him more, and I can't wait to see which one. You may want to purchase a spare set of hands my dear, just in case. I normally prefer the feel-good domestic stuff, but I'm wanted to add a little bit of harsh reality into home for lost souls, I think I little hurt/comfort can really spice up a longer fic :) I promise I don't wanna hurt my lovely readers any more than I must to give the perfect boost to the happy 😭
I thought i was alone on that, I love playing video games and watching others play them but sometimes games just make my anxiety act up enough that I just give up for the day. That's probably why I'm out here playing Minecraft, cheating in a few totems of undying and updating my animal crossing once every few months. I did really like “trover saves the universe” game, I wanted to play it after I saw jack play it (on vr I think) so I finally got it on my switch last year. My personality contradicts itself a little too much for my own good, I'm like a grandma but vulgar humor slays me. Well, I suppose if your ideas are making you happy instead of writting them down then that's the best for you! If you want, you can start a little prompt journal like me- I write down all the really good ideas I have so I can share them any headcanons or may be even in a story, but it can also be good to log kind of like a dream journal! :) I love hearing about your daydreams, it's funny to think about them!
Woo! More fresh stuff, I I've actually started loving fresh more and more but I don't think any will top my love for swapfell. Passive/uncorrupt nightmare is also one of my favorites. I love self inserts so much, I can't wait to start making them again, I had one of me climbing Edge like a ladder because he is toll semxy but another artist posted the idea before I did and I didn't want to seem like a was copying their idea somi held off on posting it even though by now it's a fandom wide known that there has been SO MUCH creative stuff posted/wrote about it that “copying” or “stealing ideas” isn't very fair to others unless they really are copying without citing where they get the inspiration from. I started working on a few sketches that are pretty nifty. I can't wait to post the horrors sans one!
I took my meds, drank some water and are some pizza :)) I hope you have been taking your meds and eating properly as well my dear. I just got finished working back to back shifts on top of school all this week so I'm off to bed now to crash for the next 24 hours. I'm excited to hear from you again (maybe-hopfully not on anon next time ;D ) Goodnight busy bee 💕
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astrojoy · 3 years
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AJAJHSHAB YOU NEVER FAIL TO IMPRESS🤩🤩I really am stuck in my head and most of the time it’s not even on purpose, i’m literally just zoned out not thinking about anything - it’s such a bad habit oml I can’t tell you how many times I got yelled at about it
Hehe I have an Aqua rising so that aloof part is even more noticeable! Having pisces placements is really a blessing and curse for me. Seeing the good in everyone really got me messed up even when I see red flags...bc I feel like even deserves a second chance😀
Neptune is my dominant planet so I��m not surprised it plays a big role in my chart😂Pay attention to the 12th...my neptune is in the 12th- is that important? It also conjuncts my asc so i’m sure it directly affects my appearance as well, actually all my dominant planets are in my first house and conjuncts my asc which I’m sure also affects my appearance (?) Ah it’s so exciting to talk about this since I’m beginning to get deeper into astrology and I somewhat know l what i’m talking about!!!😂🥰 You make the experience even more fun bc the info you give out is easy to understand:)
Btw I absolutely adore art! It’s one of my favorite subjects and I love making new things, it’s like I always need to do something with my hands.
Huh ...this is the second time I’ve heard someone say there’s a possibility for me being a psychic considering how much in tune I am with things , I was also actually just talking about this with my friend the other day! I’m not sure how I feel about it but since I’ve been trying to use my intuition more I might just try it:)
I’ve always been complimented for my eyes, it’s one of my favorite traits🥰Oh god how did you know!? It’s literally so hard for me to not smile without my eyes!!Hey leave me and my round head out of this LMAO🤚🏼
My dressing style is...interesting to say the least. I’m constantly changing my aesthetic, I can’t stay with one thing:’) Ooooh mysterious vibes~ Ik the 10th house may also play a part in how we are viewed to the public and I have a scorpio mc with pluto in the 10th. Eh idk if that really does anything tho. NOOO NOT THE HEIGHT! I’m more on the average side but i’m the oldest of my siblings yet i’m the shortest💀
Funny you mention that- Luicd dreaming is something I got interested in but for some reason I forgot about it, I’m gonna look into it again!👀
Bby I really am shy but tbh I feel like once I’m comfortable i’m definitely extroverted- Hmm I guess you can call me an extroverted introvert AJSKHSB anyways sorry i keep getting off track oml. I feel that sometimes my 1st house stellium can wash out my reserved personality and that neptune dominance. YYESSS I LOVE STYLING!!!😌 ITS LIKE MY STYLE IS ALWAYS DIFFERENT BUT YOU CAN GET AN IDEA OF WHAT I LIKE. AWHWHJMSKS I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! YOUR WORK IS BEAUTIFUL! MUAH MUAH MUAH I HOPE MY FEEDBACK WAS INFORMATIONAL ON SOME THINGS FOR YOU! TAKE CARE AND CONTINUE TO SPREAD YOUR JOY YOU BIG BUNDLE OF SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS🌈✨
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AWWW IM GLAD IT RESONATED AND GIRL I HAVE TO CONTINUE THIS BECAUSE THOSE ARE SOME BEAUTIFUL PLACEMENTS
Oml you must look soo gorgeous btw! So first you said you keep changing your aesthetics and stuff? GIRL YOUR RISING IS AQUARIUS IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE AHH
plus Neptune is conjunct your AC and in 12th? You must look so ethereal and not even know it oml
Neptune conjunct AC is seen in a lot of models charts btw 🥳 my mom who has Neptune in the 1st was scouted for modelling when she was younger so I know first hand experience! Neptune conjunct ascendant is definitely in their head often. You could daydream a lot or if you have dreams they could be vivid AF and if you do get into lucid dreaming or astral projection I feel like you could do wonders oml. Astral projection I've heard for some people can be scary and you need to be careful and protect yourself, personally for me I've gotten used to it some more but still working on it!
I love your placements so much!! Thank you for taking the time to share everything, I enjoyed reading it!
Have a beautiful day and I'm glad it resonated!! 🥳🥺🌈🍭
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Hiya Monica! 43 and 54 for the KDrama asks!
Hi AMIANNA :D I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED THESE QUESTIONS
43. One K-drama you could rewatch over and over?
Well, I already HAVE rewatched Are You Human Too? three times. And yesterday was listening to the soundtrack and realized it is about time to watch it again lol. It is just so GOOD
Plot: Scientist mom loses her son to his evil grandpa and in the depths of her despair she builds herself a robot son. Robot son is the best, kindest, sweetest creature in the world and all he wants to do is hug people who are sad. But GUESS WHAT. Human son grows up in his evil grandpa’s house and he is not exactly ok with his life, but hey at least he has a loyal secretary who tries to keep him out of trouble. Loyal secretary is the bestest most loyal man whose hashtags are #stressed #depressed #well-dressed. Seriously, his nickname to me is Blue, because he wears the most striking blue suit once. It’s great. Oh yeah, also, the more experiences the robot son has, the more he acts like a human. And some of the actual humans he meets are terrible people. So. What DOES it mean to be human? YOU MUST WATCH TO FIND OUT
54. Recommend 3 fluffy AF dramas
Aha. Aha. I have no straight fluff for you. Even the fluffiest kdrama has some angst. Which is just how I like it. However, there are some that are more fluffy overall than others. 
--Her Private Life is a fun romance, with my favorite actor Kim Jae Wook (in a very different role than he acts in The Guest, which is an extremely not fluffy kdrama but which is one of my all-time favorites and which I highly highly recommend for the sake of the three main characters, like even if you have to skip through the scary stuff it will be worth it for the scruffy psychic taxi driver, the detective who never gives up and who WILL kick a demon in the face, and the sad, somber, secretly soft priest who is my all-time favorite priest in any media ever)(also these three faves are so SO SOFT AND SWEET WITH KIDS I DIED EVERY TIME THERE WAS AN INTERACTION)(SORRY I STARTED RECOMMENDING THIS SHOW I SHOULD HAVE PUT IT AS ONE OF THE OTHER KDRAMAS I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN) 
oh dear oops I need to actually tell you about HPL. RYAN THE LION GOLD is an ex-artist and the new director of an art museum, and Sung Deok Mi is the best art curator at said museum. Ryan has some sadness in his backstory and Deok Mi has a secret: she is a top fan of a kpop idol, whom she takes pictures of. ThIS ROMANCE IS SO FLUFFY I WANT TO DIE, AND THE BITS OF ANGST ONLY MAKE THE FLUFF ALL THE SWEETER
--Strong Woman Do Bong Soon is pretty fluffy. Do Bong Soon, a tiny young woman with super powered strength, becomes the bodyguard of the extremely rich, extremely extra and hot CEO of a gaming company. Their romance is very cute. I don’t like all the side characters and frankly there is a gangster side plot that could have been cut at no loss, but I would do anything for Ahn Min Hyuk, the CEO (played by Park Hyung Sik, whose only benefit to being in the military right now and having a military haircut is that it is very easy to see his adorably cute lil ear)
--It’s after midnight and I am blanking, but I guess you could say Are You Human Too? has a lot of fluff. It has so much fluff. but also pain. but then more fluff......and then pain. 
Oh ok, this is a cdrama rather than a kdrama, but Accidentally in Love. It is cute, and cheesier than brie, and sometimes I shake my head at the characters or the storyline, because it is slightly unbelievable or needs further development, but even through all this, the show was just light-hearted and made me laugh.  Basically, it’s about an heiress who disguises herself at university to escape marriage, and the famous singer who also goes to school there. The romance is cute if not ground-breaking, and I enjoyed the other characters, especially the singer’s pure-hearted, self-sacrificing best bro, the bad boy who has a beef with the singer, the bad girl who needs to get a grip, and a few others. It made me happy when I was sad, and so I love it
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snarkwrites · 4 years
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FFT: be my valentine; john shaw
Notes:
So this is the second part to the Galentines ask. And I truly enjoyed writing it, even though hi, oops, angst af? I might be tempted to explore more in the future.
Summary:
John is taking Valerie home. Talks are had. Closure is gotten. Fluffy af.
Pairing:
Detective John Shaw x OFC, Valerie.
Warnings:
alcohol tw.
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John shook his head as he watched Valerie flop down into one of the chairs, that bottle of tequila in front of her as she took a few long sips. A smirk playing at his lips for a few seconds as he made his way over, tapping Valerie on the shoulder. She was staring down at the golden-colored liquid in the bottle as if it held all the answers to whatever was currently eating at her mind.
She didn’t acknowledge him tapping her shoulder, so that was his first sign that she needed to stop for the night. When she didn’t acknowledge him tapping her shoulder, he walked around to stand in front of her, pulling out a chair, sitting so that the back of it was against his chest.
“Ya realize you’re over the limit.” he nodded to the bottle of tequila and then eyed her in concern, feeling like an asshole when she tensed all over and he could see dried mascara tracks on her cheeks. If he could get his hands on this Ben guy, he’d probably have taken a great deal of pleasure from giving the guy a few good punches. Something told him there was more to the story than the guy just dumping her over a text and that being that. He briefly wondered if maybe Valerie was doing that thing again, the one where she ran when things got a little scary and serious. Somehow he got the feeling that wasn’t what it was, but he knew she did it when they’d been involved too, so he couldn’t be sure.
Valerie’s jaw clenched and she took a long and deep breath, shrugging. “Don’t w-worry, Shaw. I-I’ll be sober before I c-come into w-work.”
He took a deep breath and dropped his gaze to his hands. “Thought ya had a hot date tonight.”
Valerie snorted in laughter. “Y-you’re not the o-only one, Shaw.”
“Ya friends left.. Ya want a ride?” John asked the question almost warily. He knew how hard it was to be around her while they were on the clock. And her in the shape she was in right now, that might make it even harder for him to keep from letting something he had no business saying given their work relationship.
Valerie eyed him suspiciously then she glanced at the bottle and gave a short laugh as she shrugged. “Guess s-so. F-figured y-you’d s-still be at t-the p-precinct.”
“Nah, I left it to Gustavson. Told him to call me if somethin went down. Just kinda wanted to get outta there.” he explained as he thought to himself, … when I saw ya leavin and saw that look in your eyes, I didn’t have any choice… I was worried. I’ve been worried about ya… I’ve missed ya.
He didn’t dare say it. Because neither of them had bought up. Things had just kind of ended before he got the chance -or the nerve required to find out where they might wind up going.
Then again, it’s not every day that you find out you inadvertently hired the woman had a short and rather intense fling with, either. In their situation at the time, neither of them had really bothered to try and get to know each other. He’d been in a bad place, she told him point-blank on more than one occasion that she wasn’t looking for anything serious, so they really hadn’t bothered with the formalities of last names during their little fling.
They lost touch a few years, but she hadn’t ever really been far from his mind. He’d toyed with finding her at one point but kind of backed out. And then, he wound up hiring her about five years later.
And neither of them really ever mentioned it.
But John thought about it all the time. And it did make things tense as hell between the two of them often as a result.
“Let’s get ya outta here.” John coaxed, catching her gaze and holding it. She stared right back at him, swallowing hard and shaking her head no.
“No. I-I.. I’m fine.” Valerie objected really quick. Quick enough that it raised more than a few questions with John. Questions he almost asked. He didn’t have to, because drunk mouths and sober truths lead her to starting to just pour things out.
Valerie honestly didn’t mean to do it, but when she opened her mouth, the truth came pouring out, starting with the most obvious. The one thing she’d been avoiding saying to anyone. Especially to John Shaw.
“I-I love you.”
He nearly choked on the bottled water he’d had the bartender bring over to their table and he gaped at her. “People who love somebody don’t just disappear, Valerie, fuck. I barely got to know ya but I wanted to. I was plannin’ things, doll..” he stopped himself just shy of saying entirely too much and he went back to staring at the tabletop, his jaw set firm and his mind rushing a thousand miles an hour.
Oh, he had absolutely no doubt that she meant every word she’d just said. Now he just had to figure out what the fuck to do with it. Because they were partners and he was a firm believer in not mixing business with pleasure. And now that it was out, he knew he couldn’t just forget it.
“I-it scared m-me. Because my d-dad, he was a cop too and got him killed.” Valerie hiccupped and continued quietly, “After that, my mom went t-to shit. I-I d-don’t wanna h-hurt like that. And I k-know I would b-because I-I.. Love y sooooo much. It’s scary.”
He eyed her and raised his hand, raking it over the buzz cut he’d recently gotten. To say that he was shocked by what she was pouring out in her drunken state was an understatement. “What’s this gotta do with that Ben jerk, huh?”
“He.. We’re d-done because he said he loved me and I s-said M-me too. I couldn’t say it because I knew I didn’t mean it. Then I-I told him s-so and somehow h-he guessed why. Told me it was h-him or y-you and when I didn’t answer, he s-said he’d make things easier and broke up with me. I t-tried to get over you, okay? I t-tried but I just can’t.”  Valerie took a few shaky breaths and immediately dropped her gaze to the tabletop. She was that state of drunk where she just hated holding it all back, she realized how much it killed her to do it.
She also realized that life was too short and if she didn’t get it off her chest now, she wasn’t ever going to. She just had to pray to the Gods that she didn’t remember any of this in the morning.
Somehow, she found herself thinking, I doubt that’s going to happen. John has never been the kind of guy to forget something this important.
“Okay, we’re gettin you outta here, kitten.” his tone was firm and yet softer. Not harsh like usual. Not cold or distant. It felt better. He felt more like the John Shaw she used to know. She eyed him warily and then sighed, her shoulders sagging a little. “Where am I gonna go, John?”
“I’ll take ya back to my place, kitten. Let ya sleep it off.” John was on his feet, making his way around the table and pulling her up out of the chair, picking her up bridal style. Valerie put her arms around his neck and her nose settled against the side of it as she hid her eyes, trying to keep the room from spinning quite as much. “So tired.”
“I know, kitten.  I know.”
“No, n-not s-sleepy. Tired. Tired of holdin things back.” Valerie trailed off, going quiet, trying to keep herself from saying too much and going too far. She’d gone beyond far enough already. She must have dozed off, because the next thing she knew, they were in his car and he was driving back towards his apartment.
The car came to a stop and John glanced over, finding her asleep with her head against his bicep. He cleared his throat quietly and when it didn’t wake her up, he carefully pushed her to an upright position as best as he could without waking her and got out, going around to her side of the car. He opened the door, leaning in and retrieving her from the seat, sliding her up his body, letting her legs wrap around him.
Somehow, he managed to get her into the house without her really waking up and once he had, he took her back to his bedroom, laying her down in his bed. She rolled over, reaching out and he stopped, sitting on the edge of the bed instead of walking out like he planned.
“John?”
“Yeah, kitten?”
“I can’t keep on bein’ your partner. I’m.. Sorry.” she hiccuped and he gave a quiet chuckle, leaning in, gently cupping her jawline. “It’s okay, kitten. It’s gonna be okay. Because now that’s not in the way, and now we can kind of work on stuff.” he leaned in, giving her a peck on the lips.
He wanted to give her a long and deep and slow kiss that left her breathless, but she wasn’t in the shape and he needed to think. To figure things out, figure out where to go from here. The only thing he did know was that he loved her and maybe if he fought harder this time, if he dug his heels in and refused to let her just run when she got scared if she got scared again.. He had to try. He couldn’t just keep doing things without her.
He missed them.
Their thing back then may have been brief and intense, but he’d fallen in love with her and he never really got over it. He’d never really wanted to. Now he was getting a second chance and he really had to at least try to take it.
He went to stand but she reached out, grabbing his wrist. “Don’t go… please?”
He cleared his throat and he sank back down onto the bed after pulling off his boots, getting into bed beside her, letting her arrange herself so that her legs were tangled in his and her head was on his chest. “I never should’ve just left. I didn’t want to.”
“I didn’t want you to go.” he didn’t have anything left to lose, might as well admit it. “Happy Valentines, kitten. Always gonna be my valentine, I swear, baby.” his lips brushed against her temple and she raised her head, pulling him down into a clumsy and deep kiss.
When the kiss broke, she  nuzzled against him a little and her arm slipped over his body. When she started to snore again, he laid there until he finally let himself relax enough to go to sleep too.
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curlyshyy · 5 years
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New Apartment and the same anxious energy with a while lotta guilt and regret :) (A short story by me)
I love that when I’m too lazy and sad to pull out a journal I can come on here cuz no one looks at this shit. Why do I event still have a tumblr?
The last two nights have been rough for me, as I think new happy events trigger my brain into being sad and hating myself? Of course it’s nights where I’ve had to open the bar at 9 AM the next morning. I suppose that’s the first reason I hadn’t been able to sleep. I hate my job low-key. I once loved Alamo Drafthouse. Adored it even. Then moved to this shit hole in Norrh Richland Hills which is the furthest from the Alamo way, and I’m not valued. I feel like a fuck up everyday. In a lot of ways I am. I’m functioning with severe anxiety and most people don’t know or understand. I do stupid things when I’m having a panic attack, and these managers judge me hard. But here’s the thing I know in my heart, even when I hate myself, I’m a good worker, I’m kind, and will do anything for my coworkers and will eventually get really good at this job.im dedicated to say the least. I think that’s what matters most but for now they just see me as a fuck up, slow learner. I work my ass off though and they don’t see it. If I could work every second of everyday. Ifthis shit hole wasn’t trying to cut everyone’s hours cuz they’re not making any money, i’d work myself into physical exhaustion, like I’m so good at doing. Thats the only thing I can feel. It’s my only escape and I hate being there. This is a little dramatic. My life has been improving, and yes I know I need therapy. We been knew. My ass was anxious at 5 years old. Anxiety is truly hell, I wish I’d just force myself to hurry up and get help, and I wish I wasn’t poor. I wish my mom had saw how fucked I was and made me get help as a kid, but she did the best she could. Could blame the bitch but like, she has a hard enough time accepting and coping with her own mental illness. She hardly acknowledges it. That must be hard to lie to yourself everyday, and say that you just have to choose happiness.
The reason the last two nights have been shit is cuz I stayed up dreading going to work and being there all day and I hate the fuck out of mornings and waking up before noon. Which is why I like closing and usually have night shifts. Since the fucks cut my hours I gotta take what I can get though. I need a constant distraction at night cuz my brain is literally scary as fuck. I can’t even tell anyone about 95% of it. It’s so terrifying. So I usually distract myself with my phone. But I was like “hey, brain I know we’re anxious af and sad, but can we go to sleep?” To which my brain replied : “Remember this event from two years ago? Haha you’re a terrible person.” Then my body physically stiffend, I felt physically ill and my head ached and all I could do was think about past mistakes and everything that makes me a failure and bad person. Typical manageable anxiety for me at this fucking point, I’m just not gonna be able to sleep and I know it. Then I remember an old friend, I used to work with at Chili’s. Javi. Literally one of the very slim parts of the things that I don’t block out and cringe hard about when it comes to chili’s, are our times together. I block that shit hard. I mean just thinking about me in this time frame is enough to make me believe I’m terrible. I wasn’t right. I regret literally everything about chili’s. That place is a nightmare and probably what hell is going to look like when I arrive. anyways god damn. Javi is this sweet kind angel. We were all struggling at this mother fucking chili’s let me tell you. My dumb ass had just come back from vid con (2017) How did I afford that? I spent my rent money. Also I couldn’t afford to eat for like a week. But YouTube was and still is the only thing in this world that makes my brain feel calm. It’s a safe place for me. And I was dumb as shit. Anyway my dumb ass was already starving before Vidcon and could barely afford rent. :) cuz chili’s doesn’t pay well. So I was real fucked when rent came up and literally considered myself lucky when I found a packet of cheezits lying around, cuz that was a good meal to me at the time. I guess I’m telling my coworkers this and busting my ass all night bussing peoples tables and helping out as a hostess which of course paid jack shit. And I know I’m about to go home fucked another night, and Javi, pulls out the $165 dollars he made that night, and hands it to me. The boy had bills, and worked all night too. Who would ever be so kind-hearted to do such a thing. I of course refused, cuz what the fuck. He insisted. I said I was going to cry and he said “aw don’t cry Sheyenne, or I’ll cry too.” And hugged me. I was also super numb and depressed and wanted to be with Hannah so much, and honestly I don’t feel like I was my best self. I look at that person and I don’t feel like it was me. But I used it to pay rent. Still wasn’t eating and he even bought me food one day. Literal angel. I don’t know or remember if I expressed enough gratefulness. I don’t know if I was capable of expressing it. A couple months later he’s about to move to Idaho, and we have a goodbye dinner, and I figure this is a good time to repay him. I give him $100 which is all I could really do at the time, and try to tell him I think he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. He leaves, and I think we only ever talked one time after that, and I offered to buy him pizZa but never did for some reason? We never really talked again. I alwyas momentarily remember him, but I really have chili’s and the person I was in 2017 so far blocked that I really can’t remember that shit. It’s so hazy. There isn’t a full day I can remember. Just tiny bits and pieces. For some reason two nights ago I remembered him vividly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt panic and guilty as fuck. Paralyizying guilt. I felt like I should never deserve to enjoy anything ever again in my entire life. I felt terrible. I felt like if he ever struggled to make it or eat, then I should’ve been there for him. I stalked his fb, cuz I needed to know he was okay.
He doesn’t use social media too much. His mom however posts about him a lot. Which confused me because I know they have a strained relationship, and he could have a lot of help from his mom, but I think he resented the help, because they didn’t always get along? I don’t know how fucked she was to him though. What fb told me was she paid for him to come every few months. He has a new girlfriend that he seems very happy with, he seems happy in general. He’s smiling in pics. But that’s social media. At best pictures his moms posting. I felt like I needed to know or I was going to have a breakdown. I don’t have his phone number for some reason, so I snapped him a long message. Usually I’d feel crazy to reach out especially when we Weren’t that close but I just needed to. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep. Then opened at work. The shake machine of course was fucked and I had to put it back together correctly only after shake mix poured everywhere. That’s just my life. Me doing something out of panic, and then having to redo it after looking like a dumb bitch. I truly learn from fucking up. I’m wired so fucking wrong. He finally responds once I’m off work. I read it. It’s not what I need to hear but it’s decent, and proves he doesn’t hate me. He tells me he’s good, but working at Taco Bell, and I know he’s still struggling which makes me sad, but I guess I’ve been struggling to, so I shouldn’t hold myself accountable for not reaching out. I’ve been so poor, and me and Hannah are just now catching up, and taking a breather after 2 years of struggling. I let my mind rest though because he’s alive and he’s eating and has a girlfriend and family who are looking out for him. Until the next night when I should be exhausted from no sleep. The guilt starts eating away at me again. I feel like I shoukdve sent him more money,but after a while I stopped thinking about it because of all that I was going through and that made me feel selfish. I felt that I owed him for my entire life. Maybe I blocked out how much he and his kinda gesture meant to me because anything regarding chili’s, is so far removed, and maybe that super vivid memory, is what I needed to remind me. I’ve also been struggling heavily with my mental health and off and on numb most of the time, so it is possible that I wasn’t as grateful as I could’ve been or at least didn’t properly show gratefulness. So I once again reached out and also sent $20. I really went for it this time. I said I literally need to know you’re okay and happy, and for you to know how special you are and sorry if this sounds crazy dog. Like I must’ve seemed fucking insane but I needed him to know. I don’t know why it was physically paining me so much. Maybe because of all the roommates and so called friends who disappeared without paying rent and left me fucked with no second thought of how I’d eat tomorrow. I just couldn’t bare to think that, He was out there roughing it, maybe Skiping a meal, (like Hannah and I’ve had to so so many times thanks to people who literally could give a fuck less.) After he was there when I needed help. He ended up telling me he didn’t need money, and that he did what he did because he was my fiend, and he even apologized that I didn’t have any friends at the time that would’ve helped me the way he did. He apologized. He told me that I deserved it. That really calmed me. I guess I forgot the good that I did because I just remember the bad. I guess I didn’t think about the positive effects I had on him. That I must’ve done something right for someone to care so deeply that they just handed me that kind of money, after a long shift. He saw that, and maybe he felt he owed me in a weird way. I still feel like I owe him. I wish I’d talked to him sooner. Genuinely good people are hard to find. Who tf would do what he did? Seriously. I am so glad I reached out though.
It worries me though. How small past events can trigger me so hard. It’s a snowball effect. Anxious about work, life, who I am, past mistakes, and it’s paralyzing and hurts my entire body and keeps me from sleep and makes me feel undeserving of a good life or any enjoyment. I really need to get help because it’s getting to an unmanageable point, like it was after I graduated 3 years ago. It scares me that so many past memories are blocked expect for bad ones and bits and pieces. It scares me that, there has never been a completely care free 100% happy period of my life, that lasted longer than a couple days, and now as an adult it’s an even shorter amount of time. Genuine happiness is rare and make men feel pointless. I’m empty most of the time and want things and have the capacity to work hard and achieve them but also feel that I don’t deserve them. I am capable of happiness and some days, I do feel genuinely happy even if it doesn’t last the whole day. My family and Hannah still have a lasting impact on me and even when I’m an unfeeling zombie, I still know love, and numbness makes it hard to feel but somehow not entirely impossible. Little bits of light get through the cracks, and in some ways I’ve gotten better at managing my brain, and I truly don’t want to die or think I deserve to like I once did. The guilt attacks and fears of being bad, and some how accidentally hurting someone emotionally or physically, still fuck my head up because I could never hurt anyone intentionally and feel guilt for any small pains caused alwyas. I wish I could take back many wrong words and hurtful actions done and said to loved ones, but I can’t but it’s okay because they forgive me, so I can forgive myself too. I have to let go of the past.
This really creeped in again because I started to feel excited about a fresh start and our apartment. My brain tries to tell me I don’t deserve it. I deserve to decorate with Hannah, and to allow myself happiness so that I can be happy and enjoy life and be a better girlfriend. I also need to get a new job that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.
A part from that all I’m feeling a lot better. I’m off tomorrow. I watched Phil’s new video and it made me feel hopeful, proud and nostalgic. YouTube and the youtubers that have been the stand ins for the lack of friends, have comforted me, inspired me, and put my brain to rest, and assured me I’m not as weird and alone as I think I am. That’s why I want to do YouTube. It’s a tough though. Editing takes a lot of time and I want to make things I’m proud of. I want to make music even though I’m bit a musician, I want to keep writing and actually read again like free 12 year old me did. I read and wrote so much then. I want to be that me again. I want to reach other people and help them feel less alone, I want to make a difference and I want to not feel like a failure. I just need to get past all of this guilt and I really think this is the start of that, and my journey to creating.
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grimastiddies · 5 years
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Questions and form made by @goddess-of-war-nyka
1. Introduce your summoner. –
Name: Caitlin Age: 25 Height: 5′5″ Weight: 160lbs Sexuality: Bisexual Eye Color: Dark brown, nearly black Hair Color: Red Nationality: American Hobbies: Singing, drawing, playing guitar
Caitlin is from the Midwest, in the Chicago area. She lives in an apartment nearby her family, which consists of her mom, dad, her older sister, younger sister, and her younger brother. She has a shiba inu named Chiyo! Her family is extremely important to her, they’re all really tight. While in Askr, she misses them terribly.
Her life is good, but…ultimately, boring. She went to college and graduated, but hasn’t done anything with her degree. Her day job is boring and unfulfilling, and generally she feels like she’s stuck in a rut where she just sort of…exists. She suffers from anxiety and depression, and that’s greatly affecting her motivation. If it weren’t for her side job, she’d probably be really depressed. In her downtime, she performs as a Disney Princess for birthday parties! The characters she plays includes Rapunzel, Elsa, Anna, and Aurora. She takes this job very seriously, and it actually is a primary source of income for her. She gets hired a lot, but it’s still not quite what she wants to be doing with her life. Sometimes she’ll fill in as a guitarist in her friend’s band when they need the help.
2. How did they come to Askr?
She was heading to a show when she was summoned to Askr. She was in her car schlepping a lot of their equipment and all of it ended up in Askr with her, along with her car, her laptop, phone, some spare clothes, makeup, and all of her costumes. She has a fair amount of things from her world on hand, which Heroes like to play with… her car especially. Unfortunately it broke on the way over, so it would have to be fixed if anyone wanted to actually drive it.
3. What are their favourite hobbies? – 
She enjoys playing music! She’s a talented guitar player and can play a fair few instruments at a basic level. Probably took some piano lessons at school or something. She sings too, but it far to shy to sing for the heroes so that’s more of a secret talent unless you’re a peeping tom and spy on her in the baths.
Drawing is a hobby, she enjoys doodling to relieve stress. Drawing practice always took a back seat to music, though, so she’s not like... super good at it, but it’s something she enjoys. She probably has a notebook she carries around that she doodles in. The Morgans are convinced it’s full of strategy secrets and try to steal it, but in reality it’s like... silly pictures of cats in socks.
4. Does your summoner have any bad habits that the heroes try to help them through? –
Confidence issues for sure. This seems to be a common theme among Summoners, and she’s really no different. She thinks the heroes are all amazing, wonderful people and that she simply pales in comparison. Her powers are a blessing from the Breidablik, so the praise she gets as the Summoner makes her feel like a liar. They’re praising Kiran, not her, she feels.
She really beats herself up inside when a plan fails.
Also frets over whether or not heroes actually like her, or if they’re just influenced by their contract.
Low key feels ugly in comparison to the other women, keeps that to herself though.
5. How close is your summoner to their heroes? – 
Very close I’d say. As much as she worries, she takes her job as the Summoner seriously and does her best to take care of everyone. Besides, most of the heroes are such likable people it would be hard not to make friends!! She loves everyone dearly.
6. Does your summoner struggle with being a tactician? – 
Nah, the Breidablik grants her powers that make her a great tactician.
The Breidablik houses the spirit of a Valkyrie, a legendary entity who chooses who lives and who dies on the battlefield. This spirit, known as Kiran, was a divine blessing bestowed upon Askr long ago by the Gods to protect the kingdom. The Breidablik itself was given to a legendary hero, the only person who can wield it. Kiran resides within the Breidablik and gives it and the Hero their powers. Caitlin is a reincarnation of this hero who was summoned to Askr in its time of need. The Breidablik’s powers include:
Summoning Heroes.
Sight - the ability to see the battlefield and form strategy.
Command - the ability to bend Heroes to their will.
Valkyrie Drive - Caitlin gets possessed by the Valkyrie spirit, and is given a short burst of incredible strength and magic. However, the Summoner needs to recover for a while afterwards.
Still working on the fine details with this so yeah lmao--
7. How did your summoner react during their first time summoning? – 
“WHAT THE FU-”
Panic for sure. 
What the fuck is happening? Where am I? You want me to do what now? What? WHAT???? She calms down eventually, but being plucked from your world and then being told to do stuff and then FIGHT is scary as fuck imo and she’s absolutely overwhelmed for a bit.
8. How does your summoner react to summoning now? – 
“Man, I have to summon now... ugh, it makes me so tired, do I have to...??”
9. How well do they adjust to life in Askr? – 
Pretty well, the Order is helpful and eager to make her feel welcome and comfortable.
10. How long have they been a summoner? – 
Since the beginning of the game...? LMAO- Uhh, idk she’s summoned when Anna summons in game, so she’s not brought in at any special time.
11. Who’s your summoner’s main team? – 
Grima, Robin, Alfonse, Veronica.
12. Who’s your summoner’s S support? – 
Alfonse hehe...
13. How was your Summoner and ally support building to S support?– 
HONESTLY she doesn’t get with Alfonse so it must just be like.... a strong... bond of friendship....??? I have given this 0 thought lmao sorry--
14. How many allies have s support with your summoner? – 
Grima obviously heheheheheeh-- that’s like the “canon” pair, but there’s also potential for Alfonse and Bruno... probably as a poly because Bruno and Alfonse are cute as FUCK together djskldjals
But then again I have Grima supported with Alfonse so Cait/Grima/Alfonse COULD be a thing......... god dude idk I’m just thirsty af yall know me.
15. What are your top 4 ally x ally supports? – 
16. What does your summoner miss from home? – THE INTERNET would make it SO MUCH EASIER to look up all of the heroes’ backstories and searching for Askran/Nordic mythology homygod.
17. If they could bring one thing from home with them what would it be? – T h e I n t e r n e t.
18. Is your summoner’s robe unique? – 
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19. Who are your fellow summoner friends? – 
@terra-haven‘s Sapphire, @vince-prime‘s Kuma, @lunalove25‘s Luna, among others hehe
20. What does your summoner wear if during their down time? – 
UHHHH comfy stuff. Probably walks around in minimal clothing LMAO-- Long shirts/sweaters, after a while she’s forced to wear leggings underneath. She has a more high matenance wardrobe back home, but in Askr comfort is king.
21. How do they handle merging heroes or sending them home? –
Idk, in Cait’s storyverse I don’t think merging and sending people home would really be a thing...? Not sure how I wanna go about handling this tbh??? I think if she were to get dupes, it would just end up being a failed summon or something. Or maybe it would manifest as a item that powers up certain heroes. I think she could send heroes home but.... idk, the hero would have to consent.
22. What abilities/weapons do they have? – 
When in Valkyrie mode the Breidablik turns into a lance, but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary for a Summoner.
23. Would your summoner like to know magic? –
Summoning is totally a type of magic, so I think that Summoners in general have an innate talent for magic and can learn it. Caitlin would totally be interested, magic is dope as fuuuuuck.
24. Are they able to hold their own in a fight? –
LMAO nah, not really. She tries and gets lucky, but that luck comes from summoner valkyrie powers lmao-
25. How many heroes have you acquired?  I’m too lazy to open the app and check lmao sorryyy
26. What book has been the hardest? Emotional or battle-wise. – 
Book 3 has me fucking shook fam.
27. If your summoner went into battle what would be there class? –
Singer for sure.
28. Are there any heroes they clash with? – 
Honestly??? Nah, she’s not super interested in actively fighting with anyone I don’t think.I mean I think there’s the obvious heroes no one really LOVES but I think Cait is the type to find them all amusing in their own way. Looooves to mess with Narcian. Valter’s just creepy but in almost a sort of entertaining way, especially since she’s in charge and he can’t actually do anything to her. 
I love Berkut but I can see Cait being very eager to put him in his place.
29. Which hero have you pumped more into? –
Grima, Alfonse.
30. Which hero do you get a lot of while summoning? –
Not sure, don’t really pay that much attention.
31. Which heroes have they adopted? – 
ALL OF THE KIDS. Who let these children fight? NO WAR FOR KIDDIES NO NO NO-- Loves dragons best hehe
32. Do they participate in voting gauntlets? – 
Keeps tabs on them, doesn’t really care that much.
33. How do they handle their orbs? – 
“TIME TO YOLO SUMMON BABY”
34. What hero do you wanna see in Fire Emblem Heroes? – 
The whole cast of Awakening blz-
35. Will your summoner stay in Askr? Nifl? Muspell? Hel? Embla? – 
HM. A good question lmaooooo
grima/cait is my self indulgent end game so uh not sure uhhhhhh
I think she’d convince him to come back home with her tbh. she wouldn’t want to stay in Zenith forever. Loves her family too much to just stay forever.
36. What is your Summoner life like years later if they stayed? Askr. Nifl. Muspell. Hel. Embla. – 
She wouldn’t stay, she’d go home for sure.
37. Summoner’s family reacting to your summoner’s significant other?– 
UHHHH fuck dude I have no fucking clue LMAO-- this thing is full of shit i never considered???
They’d probably be justifiably worried--
38. In a twist of fate, if your summoner could change one thing what would it be? – 
Probably making Bruno join the order or something, she’s salty he leaves.
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malefectium · 5 years
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𝒶 𝒷𝑒𝓁𝓁𝒶𝓉𝓇𝒾𝓍 𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒸𝓀 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝓇𝑜 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉
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EMMA DUMONT —— Well, if it isn’t BELLATRIX BLACK, the SLYTHERIN superstar. For those of you who don’t know HER, you can spot them sitting with the other SEVENTH years. Most people think that they’re HUMOROUS and EMPHATIC, but they can also seem pretty DESTRUCTIVE and VINDICTIVE Sometimes people call them the HELLION. Sure, they’re a PUREBLOOD, but that doesn’t define them. 
character parallels: regina mills (ouat), katherine pierce (tvd), christina yang (grey’s anatomy)
prep yourselves for a lesson in bellatrix black:
 so first, the goal for my girl is to not let her go fULL crazy yet. it’s hard to maintain, especially in a school setting and like??? nonsensical honestly.
 but i’ve let her spiral before so we’ll see haha kajsdhlf but she ain’t so angry this time. im tryin!
 but basically bellatrix is ready to let the world burn for the sake of reaching her goals. she’s ambitious man. she gon be a queen someday. that’s what this is all about. her getting what she wants. what she DESERVES dammit. and she’s a queen. where her kingdom at, you bitches??? WHERE IS IT ???
this grllllllllllllll. damn is she crazy about the female empowerment and crushing your enemies to dust thing.  have a problem?   NBD. because guess what, you have all the abilities in the world to TAKE CARE OF THAT SHIT. idk man, she might be on to something. ain’t nuthin gon stop her and why should it? everyone take notes on how to be a bad bitch.
dumbledore himself admitted she had prodigious skill. not that she’s??? been running around bullying the fuck out of people? she’s just imperious and self-important rn. if anything, everyone isn’t really worth her time
listen.    she bought into absolutely EVERYTHING she was told growing up. ‘you’re a black”,  “you’re part of an exemplary lineage of witches and wizards that came before you and now all that weight is on YOU, bellatrix”    “you must continue this great and amazing line of magic users because it gets stronger with each generation, bellatrix”  “the fact you’re a black is the best and most important part of you, bellatrix” 
 abuse tw:  i mean???? it made her feel special, it brought meaning to a world that can be a little scary sometimes. forget the part where the people telling you these things are literally beating it into you. of course  it made   sense   that her family, these people around her that she cared for so much, were important.  it had to.  why should she think any differently?
 yes, i know the pureblood thing isn’t logical, at it’s essence it’s the search for self-worth at the expense of putting others down based on??????? literally nothing
but sadly that’s where all her self worth lies now. in a legacy  that she can’t even truly continue because she’s a woman. like??? i know she’s not a victim in the future because she makes A LOT of regrettable and horrifying choices???  but idk man. rn she’s just a kid.   it’s sad to me
anyways soap box over
 she is a soldier. so loyal. v dedicated and invested in the things she cares about. she’s not hollow about her emotions. she really really  CARES.  maybe too much. 
 she takes a lot of pride in being a part of something bigger than herself. the black lineage?? hell yeah she’ll take up that mantle. voldemort’s cause?? well that just gets her fucking wet dude. it’s how she’ll contribute, you know? she just doin her part. maybe in a way that she couldn’t even imagine for herself before now. not only will her family be the best and brightest but also??? rule the world??? 
come on man. who’d say no to something like that?
she’s a good student. v. smort. those spells come easy son. maybe she’s starting to dip into some spells she shouldn’t know, you know?? 
she be eyeing that restricted section, fam
 but  she’s also working v hard on keeping her nose clean so dumbledore wILL GET OFF HER BACK. that shithead’s scrutiny of her is over the top at this point. she ain’t done anything
yet
fucKING DO NOT insult her family. i s2g she can’t take it. she’s too protective. narcissa andie reggie even that fucking traitor sirius. she has so much love. I know that sounds crazy but family is her life. it’s BLOOD. they’re her’s, the only things youre simply given when you come into this world and she holds on so tight to them.
her name is her life. it means everything to her. being a black gives her purpose and so much privilege. basically if youre not in her family she feels so bad for you because omg yOUR LIFE MUST SUUUUUUUCCCKKKK. 
but also there’s a lot of pressure coming from that name.  don’t fail because well, honestly you CANT fail. there’s a lot riding on this legacy thing. even with half this family abandoning ship. that’s kind of ..... well that’s kind of adding a lot of pressure. but she can handle it. she has to, you know.   otherwise what else is there?
wow it’s almost like she cares about being a part of something.
 almost like she’s scared of ending up alone because what is she, if not a ‘black’??
 i’m SORRY? depth? fear? humanity? from a villian ?   *gasp*
weird.   wild.   unheard of.
daddy’s fave. omg daddy girl to the max. she admired the fuck out of that man. but her mom can suck a dick for all the fucks she gives. wHICH IS NONE  like pls someone kill the bitch
she’s so loyal. her life hasn’t been consumed by old voldie yet (or maybe ever??? iDK WE’LL SEE) so like. all that energy going to her fam. they haven’t completely failed her yet. sirius was a blow but . . . maybe she still has some hope for him
andie? love of her life. a queen. narcissa?  surely the brightest star in the sky.  reggie? perfect, delicate, and sensitive adult-sized infant, no one touch. sirius? MORON.  . . .  but also her moron, so. he better get his fucking act together
 speaking of shitty choices. hellooo drinking and smoking and general bad behavior type o habits. i’d say fucking but meh dlfkjasdhf everyone gon hate her
 mental illness tw: but yup that’s her escape. she straight up drowns herself in easy things. she’s v gluttonous, and enjoys sweets and wines and good food. it’s distracting when things get too much. when the walls are closing in on her and she remembers that there’s only really ONE option for the rest of her life. it’s kind of scary actually. gives her kind of a headache. plus forget about sleeping man. she’ll toss and turn at the slightest sound. or just lie awake thinking. dissociating. and damn has it been getting a lot worse lately. good thing she always has candy. or a flask.  
 at least it’s better then  leaving  (sorry she salty af about sirius man, she just didn’t see it coming)
possible connections: idk it’s bellatrix dude. everyone gon be scared of her al;dksjfl; but she aint so bad you pussies
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slashersteve · 6 years
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Knight in Shining Armor (Steve Harrington x Female Reader)
Requested by: @cometoceantrenches ( Okie since you take requests, is it okay if you write smth with our boi Steve where the reader drops off their younger sister at the Snow Ball the same time Steve drops off Dustin but Steve offers to take the reader home but they end up at a cafe or smth and talk abt the crazy stuff that happened (fighting the demodogs and all that) and end up confessing to each other?? im sorry if its long af, you just write rlly well *ugly cries*)
Summary: While waiting for the Snow Ball to end, Steve and you catch up at a local cafe where they recount the events of the demo-dogs, and then conversation becomes personal.
Pairing: Steve Harrington/Female Reader
Warnings: fluffy af and some smooches. Also get’s a bit emotional towards the end. lets also assume he’s always ooc to me
Word Count: 3k+
Note: if there is another gif that kills me it’s also this one!  I kind of just a little went overboard and it’s pretty long but I HOPE YOU LIKE IT! Enjoy!!!
Masterlist
Minor Spoilers of Season 2!!
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“Do I look okay?” your sister Jen asked for the 100th time from the backseat of your mother’s car. You rolled your eyes, not even bothering to look at her.
“You look great, Jen,” you replied.
“You didn’t even look!” she cried.
For perhaps the third time you spun yourself around to take a look at your sister who was all dolled up and ready for the Snow ball.
“You look beautiful, now stop asking and stop touching your hair,” you slapped her hand away lightly, she flinched and grumbled. You knew she had a crush on one of the boys there, she just wouldn’t tell you who it was. But by how nervous she was, and how she was acting, you knew what was bothering her.
“Hey...whoever this boy you’re crushing over...he’s gonna think you’re the most beautiful girl in the room okay? And he’s going to ask you to dance,” you said, fixing her hair for her. Jen blushed.
“And if he doesn’t?”
You scoffed, “Then he’s a damn idiot, and you’re too good for him,” Jen let out a laugh. Your mother glanced at you two before pulling up in front of the school, behind another car who was dropping off their kid.
Unfortunately for you, your mother had wanted you to stick around the parking lot all night and wait for the Snow ball to end. Also, it was really, really cold out there. But, you didn’t want your mom to worry over Jen all night, so you agreed to stay. You would find something to do, even if that included freezing to death.
Death. Hah. That word honestly didn’t even faze you that much anymore, not after what had occurred in the past month. Images of alien like dog creatures Dustin had called ‘Demo-dogs’ flashed through your mind, especially of the one he called ‘Dart’ who nearly chewed your face off. And then there was that girl with the slicked back hair who everyone seemed to recognize except for you and Steve. Apparently, she had superpowers and helped close the gate and saved the world or something. You honestly didn’t know what to believe, or even do with all this newfound information.
You guessed life would just go on eventually, and somehow you’d manage to live past it.
You stood next to your sister, both of you waving good-bye to your mother, who yelled, “Have a good time and be safe!” before driving off and out of the drop-off zone. Jen sighed, flattening down her light pink dress.
“Are you really going to stay out here all night?” Jen asked as you both walked towards the entrance, you shrugged.
“It’ll be fun- staying out here all by myself in the freezing cold in order to avoid my past middle school teachers trying to catch up with me,” Jen laughed, stopping in front of the entrance and turning to face you.
“Are you sure I look okay, (y/n)?”
You glared slightly at her, pretty sure she’s just taking in the compliments, but you just smiled and held a thumbs up. Jen was about to speak before her eyes caught something behind you. Her cheeks suddenly turned the same color as her dress. You raised a brow, and turned around, seeing who had made her all flustered.
“Dustin?” you asked, the younger boy was surprised to see you here, but not as surprised as you when you saw how much his hair looked super familiar.
“What are you doing here, (y/n)?” he asked, you tore your eyes from his hair and pointed behind you.
“Just dropping off Jen-” but when you turned around, she was gone and already in the gym. You blinked, huffing slightly as you realized that Dustin was the boy she was so keen on. You laughed lightly, thinking that it was the cutest thing ever.
Your mind went back to Dustin’s hairstyle the moment you looked back at him.
“Okay- tell me right now...is Steve your role model or something?” You asked, jokingly. Dustin gave you an annoyed look before you chuckled, “You look great kiddo, now go in there and for the love of god find Jen and ask her to dance,” you winked. Dustin furrowed his eyebrows.
“Wait- what? really?”
You clicked your tongue before your eyes went to the car Dustin had gotten out of. Your jaw dropped when you instantly recognized it as Steve’s. Dustin noticed your excitement and gave a smug smile.
“He’s staying because he saw you and is hoping you’ll go over there to talk or something,” he said nonchalantly, you side-glanced Dustin, seeing him look at the car and wave. You can just feel Steve’s glare on the kid. You merely laughed it off.
“Don’t you have a ball to attend, kid?” you asked, Dustin cursed softly and walked into the entrance, muttering something about asking Jen to dance, a cheeky grin on his face. You shook your head, crossing your arms against your chest before turning and starting to walk over to Steve’s car.
You leaned down to his open window, a toothy grin and asked, “Is that you Steve? My knight in shining armor?” Steve smiled at the sight of you, and waved your comment off.
“Yeah, the one and only,” he responded, knowing you were referring to when he saved you from losing your face to some demo-dog, “Are you going to head home?”
You shook your head.
“Gotta stay here until it ends and make sure Jen is still alive after or something,” you shrugged, Steve laughed.
“Oh no- that’s not okay,” he said, “As your knight in shining armor, I’m going to save you from freezing to death…” he reached over and opened the car door, his other hand still resting on the wheel. You put your hand over your heart.
“Wow...what a gentlemen,” you commented as you climbed into his car, Steve shrugged, eyes still resting on you. You didn’t notice the way he stared at you, like Dustin had noticed when Steve pulled up and saw you.
“That’s what I am, didn’t you know?”
You just hummed, hugging your arms closer to you. Steve noticed, eying your shivering form before an idea popped in his mind.
“Wanna go get a warm drink or something?” he asked, you tilted your head in thought.
“Warm drink? You mean like coffee?” you asked, a playful glint in your eyes.Steve stared at you for a moment, before realizing how stupid he must sound.
“I said that…” he muttered. You snickered, but nodded.
“Yeah, I could go for a warm drink…” Steve cracked a smile, eyes still lingering on yours before starting his car. When he looked away as he began to drive out of the parking lot, you looked at the side of his face, thinking you saw a shade of pink on his cheeks...but it was too dark.
Since it had been a bit late, the cafe Steve took you to was nearly empty. There had been only one person ahead of you in line, and about 3 people sitting in different tables. Steve held his arm in front of you as you searched for your wallet in your bag.
“I got it…” he said, you squinted your eyes before pulling your hands out of your bag and holding them up in defeat. You stood close behind him and told him close to his ear what you wanted to order, teasing him. You could see him tense up when your hand lightly met his arm, and fight a smile as he continued the order.
He didn’t say anything about your light teasing, which indicated that he didn’t notice or ignored it. That thought made you frown as he carried both of your drinks to a more secluded area of the cafe. It was in a booth towards the back, in front of a large window. What made things more calm and relaxing was how dimmed up the cafe was.
It was really nice to be here, especially with Steve.
He set down your drink in front of you as you removed your coat and gloves.
“Thank you for the drink Steve, but you really didn’t have to do it...I feel bad now,” you admitted, taking the hot in your hand carefully.
“When a handsome guy takes a pretty girl somewhere...he has to pay,” he claimed, you rolled your eyes softly.
“Oh please- you’re words are just making me-” you wiped under your eyes, faking tears.
“Come on, (y/n), don’t mess around with me like that,” he joked back, a smile resting on his thin lips. You sighed, taking a sip of the hot liquid, it burning your tongue only slightly.
There was a comfortable silence between you two as you got warmed up and drank your beverages. You had been kind of staring at Steve, admiring his features as his eyes stared out the window at the streets of Hawkins.
He was a really good looking kid, with thick hair, and an even thicker heart. You wondered just how far you two would take these “dates” and flirting...
He suddenly huffed out a laugh, breaking your thoughts away.
“You know- I wish we got to know each other under better circumstances, like at school on a normal day or something,” he suddenly said, you scrunched up your face, not knowing what he meant. He could see your confusion, “You know with the whole me saving you from the demo-dog before you became it’s next meal,” he reminded.
“Oh yeah,” you suddenly remembered. You had forgotten about it when you were busy admiring the man before you, “That was...really scary- I remember seeing a dead rabbit on the side of the street- then all of a sudden something just starts growling at me,” you said shaking your head, seeing the thing standing on all fours at the other side of the street.
You had honestly thought it was a stray dog gone savage at first, but when it got closer you quickly realized it was anything but a dog. You were a fast enough thinker to quickly run and get your ass away from that thing though.
It chased you down the woods, you had forgotten why you were even out there that late. You gave it your best shot, but the creature got to you. It had tackled you the floor and revealed it’s bloodthirsty intentions.
It’s “face” opened up like some kind of deadly flower, filled with razor sharp teeth that could kill you the moment they sunk into your skin. If Steve hadn’t of been nearby near the abandoned bus, trying to lure the demo-dog, you would of been dead meat.
“God the way you swung that bat and just-bam!” you said too excitedly, “That was...honestly Steve really hot,” you admitted, making him almost spit his drink out.
“Are you serious?” he asked, you nodded sipping your drink, it being warmer this time. Steve smirked, and nodded, feeling content, “In a way, I’m kind of glad you showed up,”
You raised both brows.
“It wasn’t like i planned to ‘show up’,” you scoffed. Steve shook his head.
“No I mean- it felt a bit like fate for us to meet that way,” he explained, “I saved your life- and well- you saved my life…” he trailed off. You instantly remembered what he was talking about.
After he saved you from becoming the demo-dog’s dinner, more of them had showed up. You two had to think quick to get out of the danger zone and into the bus. Steve was struggling to get away with one, and without a second thought you got a hold of a stick and whacked it hard.
Steve had stared at you with some sort of amazement before you two made a run inside of the bus.
“Fate, you say?”
Steve nodded.
You suddenly grew silent, feeling a ghostly feeling go over you. It had only been about a month since it happened, and you couldn’t help but feel so...terrible when it crossed your mind. You felt afraid, and confused.                    
“(y/n)?” Steve’s voice suddenly pulled you back into reality in the cafe. There was a burning sensation in your hand that caused you to quickly set down the drink you were once clenching. He had both hands on the table, looking at you with concerned eyes, “(y/n)?” he said your name again.
“Does...Does it haunt you?” you asked, talking through the tight knot in your throat at the dark feeling that came over you. Steve raised a brow slightly.
“...the same happened to me you know- not exactly the same...about a year ago now I think- I walked in on Nancy and Jonathan when they were fighting it, the demogorgon,” he explained, you nodded, listening intently, “It was a full grown one too, Nancy and Jonathan lured it into their home to kill and I hadn’t ‘planned to show up” either,” he laughed at the memory, thinking how it was a bit funny now.
You cracked a smile.
“We killed it together...or injured it- whatever...but after that I couldn’t sleep for weeks, if it wasn’t for Nancy I don’t think I would’ve slept well at night at all,”
You looked down.
“How did she help you?”
He shrugged, looking sad for a moment, “She helped me forget because I loved her so much, everytime I looked at her it reminded me of how much I’ve changed and how much the experience had brought us together...I guess she didn’t feel the same way though,” he shrugged.
You leaned forward, resting your hand over his. His eyes flickered back up to yours.
“Well...you honestly helped me out…” you said, Steve furrowed his eyebrows slightly, “I don’t know...I just- when everything happened and I saw you there protecting the kids, especially fighting Billy- it made me think that there actually are good people out there ya’ know? People who aren’t selfish, who’s first instinct is to help others and is really caring, like if there’s something that evil lurking out there, there’s someone who isn’t afraid to fight it...” you felt your cheeks heating up, “Oh god that was too far huh?” you asked, letting out a shaky laugh.
Steve chuckled, holding your hand back.
“No- no not really (y/n),” he responded. He moved his other hand, now holding your one hand with both of his. You stared at your hands, feeling how cold his were. You looked back up at Steve, feeling your heart begin to race.
Without giving it much thought, Steve suddenly released your hands and moved out of the booth. You stood there bewildered for a second, wondering where he was going. He moved next to you, causing you to scoot closer to the wall.
“This might be too soon, but-” he licked his lips, “I want to be the person to help you forget, (y/n),”
You stared at him with wide eyes.
“I like you, a lot, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same- I won’t be mad, or anything or ask you to repay me for the hot chocolate,” he joked, looking intently in your eyes.
You searched for something in his eyes, something that was saying he wasn’t sure- that he was only doing this to get over Nancy or something- but you saw and felt nothing but sincere honesty. You let out a shaking breath, scooting closer to him.
Of course, after the incident, you and Steve talked fairly a lot. You had always seen him as someone handsome, as a potential lover, but it seemed that there was always something holding you both back from each other.Like you were both aware of your mutual attraction but never let each other meet in the middle.  You both flirted endlessly with each other, calling him your knight in shining armor, and teasing him like in the line. It all seemed harmless, but you knew that your flirtations always meant something more.
Right now, it was time to meet in the middle, to finally let out your love for him. You knew it was time.
So, you leaned forward, taking his cheeks into both of your hands and planted a kiss on his lips.
The kiss had caught him off guard, that it took him a second or two to kiss you back. Your hands moved down from his cheeks to just below his chin, and his hand found it’s way on your side, resting there.
You moved away, opening your eyes and meeting his sparkling brown ones. A large smile rested on his lips, and one found it’s way to yours too.
“Does that mean you feel the same way?” he asked, eyes wandering over your entire flushed face. You laughed.
“I would think so,” you replied. He let out a sigh, like one of relief or something like the kiss wasn’t enough. He wanted to hear you say it.
You snickered, a silly thought coming to your mind, “It feels like you just took off your helmet to reveal that you’re actually a prince,” you teased, pecking him on the lips.
Steve tilted his head, a smirk on his lips.
“Well- at least when I reveal myself as a prince I won’t have a helmet covering my hair,” he bobbed his head looking up, you scoffed.
“It must of been a big helmet,” you joked, Steve faked a frown and looked at you, before he smiled widely, moving in to kiss you once more, this time pushing more into the booth. You squeaked by surprise as his smooth lips crashed into yours.
As much as you joked about him being your knight in shining armor, you really were so thankful for him being there that night or you really wouldn’t be here right now. And now that you were aware of all the evil things that lurked around, you felt safe being with Steve.
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benito-cereno · 6 years
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The Haunting of Netflix House 5: The Netflix Dimension
What’s up Octobocops, it’s Halloweason. Let’s get spooked. Here are some movies of the horror and horror-adjacent genres that you might watch by yourself or with a party of friends or with the spirit of a long-deceased duke who lives in inhabits your house. This is part five; you know the goddamn drill by now.
Previously, on The Haunting of Netflix House:
2013: The Haunting of Netflix House
2014: The Haunting of Netflix House 2: Your Sister is a Netflix
2015: The Haunting of Netflix House 3: The Season of the Netflix
2016: The Haunting of Netflix House 4: The Netflix Master
A couple of notes for those who are new to the list:
This is being posted on October 2, 2017. For humans of the future who find this, the links may not all be up to date. Some might even expire by November 2017. Click at your own risk.
I try to offer both breadth and depth of options on this list, but it is by no means exhaustive. I’m sorry if a favorite of yours got left off. There’s a chance I just haven’t seen it yet. Feel free to reblog and add some of your favorites, but please make sure a movie is actually currently available on Netflix before jumping my shit about some nonsense I “forgot,” please and thank you.
This list is based upon movies that are available on Netflix in the US. I have no idea what is streaming on Canadian Netflix or British Netflix or Slovenian Netflix. How would I know this. Why would I know this. Please do not expect me to know this. Feel free to be the Canadian/British/Slovenian Benito and make your own list applicable to your own countryhumans.
Horror movies, by their nature, have horrific things in them. Most of these movies are violent; lots of them deal with torture, abuse, and mental illness. If some element of this jumps out to me while I’m writing these up, I’ll mention them, but if you are sensitive to or have issues with certain types of content, you might look an individual movie up on Common Sense Media first to check for content warnings.
While there are always good horror movies to be found on Netflix, if you really like scary movies, you should just get a Shudder subscription (or even just the free trial!). It has an unbeatable, well-curated selection.
All right let’s get to the goddamn movies what say
Classics (this section seems to get smaller every year):
Jaws (this is about a shark)
The Fly (the Vincent Price version, not the Jeff Goldblum one)
Gremlins (technically a Christmas movie, obviously, but maybe you’re a rebel)
The Sixth Sense (is this a classic? I mean probably your mom has heard of it, so)
Horror Comedies:
Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (highly recommended)
Little Evil (new from the maker of Tucker and Dale; great cast; more than the Omen spoof it looks like; recommended)
Troll Hunter (not horror in the traditional sense; not a “Halloween” monster; found footage style; subtitled; awesome)
Young Frankenstein (maybe you’ve heard of this one)
The Host (subtitled; not a “Halloween” monster)
Ravenous (fucking rules)
Housebound (recommended)
Patchwork (in the vein of like Re-Animator and Frankenhooker)
Deathgasm (the best the best the best; watch immediately)
The Bar
Haunted House/Ghost shit:
The Awakening
The Pact (recommended)
The Babadook (highest possible recommendation; how have you not watched this yet)
Under the Shadow (recommended; basically the Iranian Babadook)
The Canal
We Are Still Here (Barbara Crampton is in this; her name will be mentioned a few more times on this list because she is apparently a major selling point for some people)
Last Shift (haunted police station; recommended)
The Legend of Hell House (love this one; love Roddy McDowall)
I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (very slow paced but atmospheric)
Coraline (yeah, the scary stop-motion one)
Vampire shit:
Stake Land (non-traditional vampire rules; not really my jam but some people love it; no idea if the sequel is good)
Byzantium
Night Watch
Werewolf shit:
Late Phases (old blind guy vs werewolves; pretty good)
When Animals Dream (hit some similar thematic notes to Ginger Snaps, but completely different tonally; subtitled)
Zombie shit:
Train to Busan (this rules; subtitled)
Witch/Demon/Pagan shit:
At the Devil’s Door (from the maker of The Pact; not as good, still interesting)
The Void (Lovecraftian cult shit; very cool visuals and practical effects)
Baskin (subtitled; super gory; also, the protags are asshole cops who tell transphobic stories and say homophobic slurs and talk about bestiality at the beginning, so heads up; worth a watch if that doesn’t bother you)
The Devil’s Candy
Hellions (this is not *great,* but it looks good and is heavily Halloweeny)
The Wailing (fucking amazing; subtitled)
Found footage shit:
V/H/S (lots of sex, violence, and sexualized violence
V/H/S/2 (same)
V/H/S Viral (same but in a different way)
The Den (ChatRoulette the horror movie; highly highly highly recommended)
Creep (recommended)
They’re Watching (not super amazing, but it’s wild af and I kind of love it; what if House Hunters International renovated a witch house?)
Man Vs (pretty okay)
Slasher shit (needless to say, these are gory):
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare
Curse of Chucky (way better than you think it is)
Clown (the haunted clown suit movie so good that Marvel said, “Yo, this guy should be in charge of Spider-Man”)
The Windmill (it’ll do fine if you’re just looking for a new slasher; tbf it is probably  the best windmill-themed slasher ever made though)
Other shit:
Monsters (really good; not “Halloween” monsters)
It Follows (hey, what’s up, it’s the best horror movie of the past decade; highest possible rec)
Sleepy Hollow (what section do Headless Horsemen go in? Dunno; the movie not the show)
The House at the End of Time (highly recommended; subtitled)
Honeymoon
Starry Eyes
White God (DOG REVENGE)
They Look Like People (this is a slow burn, but super highly recommended)
Extraordinary Tales (animated anthology of Edgar Allan Poe stories narrated by famous people; a mixed bag, but cool)
Darling (okay, so: this is a really beautiful and atmospheric film that I, generally speaking, recommend; however, it is kind of “artsy,” there is not a lot of dialogue, it is in black and white, there are some light strobing effects, rape does not occur on screen but is implied to have happened in a character’s past)
The Hallow (scary fairies)
Tales of Halloween (an anthology, so a mixed bag; okay overall, but it’s definitely Halloween-y)
The Invitation (highest possible recommendation)
Beyond the Gates (I actually did not like this very much, but some people might find it interesting, especially if you like--wait for it--Barbara Crampton)
Turbo Kid (this is not really horror, but if you like horror, especially splatter stuff, you will probably like it; it is good as shit)
Gerald’s Game (new shit from Mike Flanagan and it’s really great. Deals with lots of hard issues like abuse and such so maybe take a look at content issues if you are sensitive to that kind of stuff. Also definitely not for the squeamish, so head’s up. That said, it’s really really good)
80s/90s shit:
Hellraiser (not my style, but maybe you like this stuff, iunno)
Children of the Corn
The Craft
Non-Supernatural Thriller/Violence shit (these are violent):
Hush (Mike Flanagan directs; home invasion with a deaf woman protagonist; fucking rules)
The Silenced (haven’t actually watched this yet, but it looks good; don’t *think* it’s supernatural?; presumably subtitled)
The Eyes of My Mother (black and white; super bleak; beautiful and highly recommended)
Kristy
Dig Two Graves
We Need to Talk About Kevin (very bleak)
The Bad Batch (from the director of A Girl Walks Home Etc; only kind of horror-adjacent; Jason Momoa and Keanu Reeves are in this)
Sun Choke (visually beautiful but super art-housey, also lots of mental illness and abuse stuff in this one; also *Barbara Crampton*)
Zodiac (biography of Ted Cruz)
I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore (so fucking good; very funny also)
Nightcrawler (basically a vampire movie, but with a camera instead of fangs)
Horror and Horror-Adjacent Documentaries (all the good horror docs got moved to Shudder):
The Nightmare (a doc on sleep paralysis and night terrors that is so-so as a documentary, but super effective as a horror film)
Witches: A Century of Murder (history of British witch trials, reenacted; two parts)
“But, Benito!” I hear you cry. “I don’t have Netflix for some reason! What about some other streaming services?” Yeah, all right. Here are some quick hits that are definitely not exhaustive. Just a couple of party jams you might enjoy if you’ve burned through the Netflix list.
What’s on Hulu though
10 Cloverfield Lane
Monster Squad
Fright Night (the original; a must watch if you haven’t seen it)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
From Dusk Til Dawn
An American Werewolf in London
Hatchet
Pumpkinhead (check this one out if you haven’t seen it)
The Blob
I Saw the Devil (amazing)
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (either version)
Shaun of the Dead
The Loved Ones
Wolfcop
The Thing
Rigor Mortis
Borgman
The Descent
Bloodsucking Bastards
Willow Creek
Berberian Sound Studio
Plus a bunch of shit that’s also on Netflix
What about Amazon Prime you idiot
The Girl with All the Gifts
Them (not Them!)
The Witch
Hell House LLC
Neon Demon
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nosferatu
Green Room
Little Shop of Horrors (the Corman one, not the musical)
The Blackcoat’s Daughter
The Bay
Society
The Last Man on Earth
The Last Exorcism
What We Do in the Shadows
Amazon Prime is hard to navigate so that’s all. If I left off a favorite, it’s not because I don’t like it. It’s because it didn’t pop up in the first 20 pages of search results.
Tell me some good Shudder ones
The Innkeepers
A Tale of Two Sisters
The Gorgon
Lake Bodom
Prevenge
All the Phantasms (maybe not Ravager)
Shrew’s Nest
Noroi: The Curse
The House of the Devil
Black Sunday
Let the Right One In
Murder Party (highly recommended, esp for Halloween)
WNUF Halloween Special
Ghostwatch (play this at your party if you want to fucking win Halloween)
This list could be a million more entries long. Shudder rules.
What about Crackle/Vudu/YouTube/etc
Please shut up
As usual, please do me a solid and only circulate the current version of the list, so people aren’t clicking on dead links and thinking I’m an idiot. Again, this list is not and could not be completely exhaustive, and if I left off your favorite movie, I swear I was not targeting you personally. And, again, some of these movies are more interesting than they are good AND horror is a highly subjective experience, so your mileage may vary on some of these.
If you enjoyed this list, perhaps consider checking out some of my other Halloween-related posts:
a primer for spooky stories
a primer for Lovecraft specifically
a list of “essential” horror movies
a list of “essential” silent horror movies
a list of “essential” horror comedies
a list of suggested horror double features
a primer for Hammer horror
a list of cool movies starring Christopher Lee and Vincent Price
this list of resources, including short films and even more scary movies
a suggested Halloween playlist
a primer for spooky classical music
the scariest 20 minutes in radio history
free to play spooky games
and my general Halloween tag, which includes short films, movie trailers, comics, stories, and more
Also maybe consider checking out my Letterboxd profile, where I rate and review movies of all types (but primarily horror) all year long and from all sorts of sources, in case you’re wondering what’s good on more than just Netflix. Also also, maybe take a look at some of my comics, several of which are appropriate for Halloween times.
Happy Halloween, nerds!
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danaealexandra · 6 years
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The Baby Wants
Wow. The idea of having a baby. Such a huge topic. So important and scary. I like this point I’m at right now where I still have the potential to have a baby, but I don’t have to have one yet either. I don’t have to decide, yet knowing how Chris feels is SO shitty. I’m not even one hundred percent sold on the idea of having one, but when he says he doesn’t want one I feel scared and sad. Why so much emotion about him not wanting one if I’m not even sure? Maybe I am sure I just am scared of what that means. I’m really happy right now. I feel so content and good. I love Chris so much and the thought of losing him is awful. I felt it for over a year and it was miserable. I want to be with him and our relationship is extremely important to me. I don’t think I could leave just in case I might have a baby with someone else. I think half the reason I’m so attached to the idea of having a baby is because it would be his baby. I want to have Chris’s baby. The dream just isn’t the same if it’s someone else as the dad. Fuck. I just wish so bad that he just also wanted one. Like, if we do and it’s because of me I’ll feel so bad every time it’s hard. Like it’ll be completely my own fault when it’s hard and shitty, which it inevitably will be from time to time. Yikes. I’m scared of the idea that I couldn’t support a child on my own too. I mean anything could happen and I don’t know if I have it in me to be a single mom. The idea of it really scares me. If I was I’m sure we’d be broke AF all the time and I would feel so bad about it. Like, I personally can handle being broke but for my poor kid to be broke with me is just awful. Like, sorry kid I chose to bring you into this world when I didn’t know if I could personally handle taking care of you and now it turns out I can’t. Oh god, the guilt. But what’s scarier the guilt or the regret. I must say I have many deep regrets in my life and it sucks to live with them. I literally can’t go to sleep without listening to a podcast because if I don’t the regrets come calling to me every single night and I can’t sleep. So live with the regret of never having had a baby OR live with the guilt after possibly finding myself incapable? I think it would be easier to live with the regret. That’s just on me then. I don’t have to worry about screwing up someone else’s life. God damn I wish life was easier. I feel like as I age I’m just learning how truly difficult life really is. I wish I was oblivious again sometimes. It’s fun being 21 and thinking life isn’t this hard. I wonder if it just continues to get more difficult until you die or if it ever levels off?
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