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art-of-mathematics · 2 years

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I turn more and more into a fucking egomaniac asshole. It is saddening. Today my sister confronted me with a bunch of clear indicators of my damned autism. I am so self absorbed. Our interaction has no 'nutrition', as I always complain about daily trivial stuff. And that I never recognize when she feels bad, simultaneously that she hates me asking her how she feels, because she always doesn't answer it in the way I intended the question to; I want to know HOW she REALLY feels, not smalltalk shit, no lying. because I suck at empathy. I can't smell how she feels, but she also does not understand the social difficulty coming with the autism. And I am so so sad. And feel guilty for only using 'my, me, I"...

And I feel so bad about....As I asked her WHAT she wants to talk about with me, she dismissed it. And I told her I don't know what to tell her or what to ask her about, what she would like to speak about. Also, she instantly proposed I believe she is 'too dumb for my special interests', which is not the case... But I am unable to communicate it in a way that people outside my own head can understand. And it makes me sad that people often feel intimidated (?) by my theoretical bullshittery... also, I suck at people interrupting me entirely or going into topics I despise. I am confused everytime.

Yet I finally know why people often react disgusted at my communication: And I understand the reaction actually. It is an awful paradox combination of incomprehensible intellectual pedantry and hyper-emotionalized exaggeration of my pointless feelings. I appear like an arrogant narcissist. And it makes me so sad. Too head-heavy while also hyper-emotionalized... She told me I appear like a joke because of that and can't be taken seriously. I appear shallow and artificially exaggerated. But I don't intend to. I don't intend to be awful. Maybe I should get rid of my voice and become mute forever.

Am I really just a sociopathic narcissist? I never intended to hurt her. But we seem too incompatible. She does not understand how autism affects all that at least to a minimal degree.

I gave up on telling her why it is difficult for me. She only dismisses it as rebellious anti-everything and my "addiction to negativity".

Everything I say.... she seems to not understand. She only puts things between my lines that never were, nor were ever true in any means. Maybe I'm just awful. The only thing I can do is avoid the contact mostly. But then she complains I won't do anything with her. But when I finally take all my strength to meet her, she complains as well. I appear too absent-minded.. She always insists on watching movies that literally make me drive nuts, and the inner aggression is unbearable. Last time I couldn't stop touching and rubbing my shitty ear, until my damn lobe piercing got infected. And I feel so sick. Watching movies is literal torture, my fucking mind dissects every shitty scene, finds every logical inconsistency, and often I also despise the overall entire topic and execuzion... Most things many people find calming, I find stressful and exhausting. Where others watch movies and 'consume' I indulge in work and creative output. I find consumption so exhausting. It stresses me so much like a normal person would get stressed if they had a paper due tomorrow or something... I would rather work all day than watch one movie in a week. And I sound fucking exaggerating, but the internalized hyperactivity gets so intense and unbearable, often I also tend to hurt myself somehow as I can't control the literal pain. It's like you can hear every shitty neuron in your brain killing each other...

And my need for my routine is also really difficult. Currently I only survive each day by adjusting my life on what I am capable to achieve, I have accepted that staying up til 6am is okay. Ironically my sleep is far better since I have a clearer sleeping routine, although my 'day primarily consists of the night'... But the darkness and silence, literal deceleration helps me calm down. It is difficult to come to know which routine works for me, when everyone says it is so bad to stay up that late and the stuff I enjoy is bad and I should "chill more and watch movies etc"... ... I can't use the advice of most neurotypical people. I attempted to use these so often, but everytime it severely increased the negative aspects and symptoms. How can I find my balance and literal equilibrium when the interference with the world around me is so harmful? It feels like I am a bunch of antimatter stranded in a world of matter only surviving by being in my own little cloud of vacuum... debilitating isolation. ... or like I stranded as alien here on earth and would suffocate if I try to breathe the air. Then humans come and insist you to put off your helmet, because they hate it and think you wanna be special, narcissistic. Then you take off the helmet and almost suffocate. Then they can't imagine it is real and insist you to fake it to get attention. Then they bully and exclude you because you have to wear that helmet, and they think you do it to be special... when in reality it only guarantees plain survival... Either you die by suffocation, or by chronic isolation and debilitating loneliness.

#rant #sorry to shove negative shit upon your feeds #my theoretical bullshittery content is literally the last thin string that holds me onto continuing this nightmare #and also the war situation is debilitating in many ways #anxiety paired with sadness and frustration #hate and anger and endless sorrow #why is mankind so sadist?#turned mankind into an autoimmune disease?#dont know which is worse: the external destruction or my internal #also i fear of driving nuts i sound more and more like I turn full-blown psychotic #in an attempt to flee from unbearable feelings escapism becomes a prison on its own #either you die by unbearable pain or by mental collapse #im sorry i never intended this mess #it is like you have left your body entirely like you dissolved into 16 or 32 different antithetic perceptions and interpretations

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orionsangel86 · 3 years

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Hey Everyone,

As you have probably noticed, I have neglected this blog for a long time now. I haven’t been on any fandom related social media at all actually. But I figured since I am currently in a good mindset, I want to write a post just outlining some things which basically boils down to a goodbye letter to Supernatural fandom.

Long rambling post below the cut...

This year (and the last) has just taken it out of me in terms of general negativity online both in fandom and in the real world. At first I got tired of fandom (mostly because Twitter is a cesspool of policing and bullying) and then I got tired of everything else (the world sucks right now, and my mental health basically stopped me from being able to participate in any form of online activism – just because I’m not blogging about something, doesn’t mean I don’t support the cause ya know?). Earlier this year, right around the time of the UK lockdowns, I had surgery and a recovery period in which I spent a lot of time with family, and just reacquainted myself with the real world. I think perhaps the coronavirus pandemic made me realise that long before lockdown began I had already been isolating myself from my real life and diving further and further into an online black hole.

It was years in the making. Supernatural fandom preoccupied my thoughts for such a long period of time it got to the point where every moment of my non working time seemed to be spent either online scrolling my tumblr dash or twitter feed, or reading fanfic or doing something fandom related. I invested so much of myself into this show and fandom that I think I forgot who I was before I was a Supernatural fan completely.

After my wake up call in late 2019, which lead me to break free from an extremely nasty clique, I have tried to re-enter fandom on my own terms, as well as attempt to enjoy the source material and the fandom creations to ignite some new spark of love and interest in the show. Yet as much as I have tried, I have failed to do so.

I was thinking recently about someone I used to follow years ago before I ever created a blog. When I was still just lurking in the tumblr shadows and followed the likes of Mittens, Lizbob, and other meta writers of the period, there was a blogger whose name I can’t remember but she was the funniest blogger I had come across. But when the show killed off Charlie Bradbury, she quit. I had never even interacted with her, as I was barely getting my blog started at the time, but I’ll never forget a post she wrote about her feelings on the show. She had recently started watching something else (I think it was Sense8 but can’t recall entirely), and that this new show had given her everything she had never thought she could have from her fave before. She wrote about how her relationship with Supernatural had become abusive. That for years the writers of Supernatural continued to throw punches at fans like her – women, LGBTQ+ people, people of colour, and yet she continued to give it all her time and attention, brushing off the punches because she was so damn devoted to the characters. Then this new show had come along, and it was like she had seen the light. The killing of Charlie Bradbury was the last straw, and she dumped Supernatural’s ass and fled into the arms of her new love.

I hope she is doing fantastically today.

What she wrote has resonated with me for years. I was a fairly new Supernatural fan at the time, and therefore didn’t really understand what she meant. A TV show can’t be abusive. Can it?

Of course, we are speaking in metaphor here, and in no way are these metaphors meant to reduce or limit the truly serious situation of actual abusive relationships, but every now and then, when a new episode of Supernatural has left me feeling upset, disappointed, frustrated and grossly let down, in some cases affecting my mood for days at a time, and therefore my mental health. I have thought back to those words she wrote and quietly agreed with them in my head. Yes. This is a metaphorically abusive relationship.

When I discovered earlier this year that Castiel was most likely going to be killed off in some sort of bullshit self sacrifice before the end of the show, I was extremely distressed. When I found out that my favourite person of all time Misha Collins, supported this ending for Castiel, and may have even been the one who pushed for it, I was more than distressed, I felt betrayed by the person I cared about most. I’ll admit to you all now that in my weakest moments I have fantasized about standing in front of Misha and screaming at him exactly just what kind of affect his “ideal ending” for Castiel will have on his fanbase, on their mental health, and potentially their own safety. This fantasy has me guilt tripping him and doing everything in my power to make him feel utterly shit about the decision. I know what you are thinking – don’t blame Misha, the guy has his own problems and we all know he projects his own self esteem issues onto Cas – and yes, I know this, like I said its only a fantasy to get me through my darkest moments. I don’t hate Misha at all. But perhaps I do love him a little less nowadays than I did back at the height of my fandom life. That’s at least still a little bit more than my feelings for Jensen and Jared which now I can only describe as complete indifference.

I am admitting all of this now knowing full well it will ignite shock and anger among the more die hard fans of J2M, to explain why I need to just leave this fandom completely, or more accurately, why I have already left fandom.

Over the past 10 months of 2020, I have watched a lot of TV (there isn’t much else to do during a lockdown when you are on crutches with your foot in a cast!) and the one thought that occurred to me over and over again was “this show is so much better than Supernatural”.

I kept comparing everything I watched, from the quality of the scripts, the actors, the special effects, to the inclusiveness of the shows. Just so many beautiful and interesting stories that seem to understand their audience, and understand how to entertain and impress without resorting to cringe humour, outdated jokes, and prejudice, not to mention misogyny and queerbaiting – yup, I said it.

The thing is, I think these thoughts have been creeping over me slowly for longer than just this year, but I have been desperately batting them away the way Dean Winchester bats away his own gay thoughts. Unlike Dean though, eventually I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I cannot continue to carve out space in my own soul for this show, which incessantly beats me down regardless of my devotion. The creators, the network, the writers, and sometimes even the cast, have all shown that they don’t care about me as a fan. I’m not some gun toting dudebro living in middle America, so why should they give a damn about me? I’m clearly not their target audience, nor have I ever been.

I know many of you will vehemently deny my personal opinion of Supernatural now. That is absolutely fine. I am sorry to be admitting it, but I had to. I feel like once I finally write out these words, I have got it off my chest and can close and lock the door on Supernatural for good.

Without Supernatural, I am able to focus on my real life, I am able to find pleasure in other things, new things, interesting things, that bring me joy and joy alone – not disappointment and frustration. I found a new job this year, which has been a huge accomplishment as I was stagnating in my old one, and several new hobbies under my belt. I moved to a new flat, I have a lovely flatmate who has been a godsend throughout lockdown, and I have rekindled friendships that I was neglecting due to my Supernatural obsession.

All in all, I am finding post-Supernatural life far more rewarding and content than my life in fandom. It has taken me a while, but I am over the show. And whilst I will always hold a special place in my heart for Castiel, it will be as I know him in my own mind; as the wonderful, strong, powerful and determined angel with a soul, who loves so strongly, and who is worth so much more than his own creators give him credit for. He is up there with Aziraphale and Crowley, with The Doctor, and Buffy, as one of the greatest characters of all time.

So the Supernatural writers and creators can take whatever ending they have decided upon, and shove it up their asses. I am sorry to say that Sam and Dean Winchester are also lost to me. Any love I had for them was destroyed by their later season depictions. Castiel alone is the only character worthy of that space in my heart now. If in time he longs for a companion, I will find one for him, but it won’t be the Dean Winchester of the canon show. Canon Dean hasn’t been deserving of Cas for a long time now.

Perhaps I am still a little bitter about the ending. Perhaps the finale won’t be the disaster I expect it to be, perhaps Dabb will somehow turn it all around last minute following whatever travesty Bucklemming have given us in 15x19. Either way, I won’t be watching.

So this is me saying goodbye to this blog, at least until I have decided what else to do with it. It certainly won’t be a Supernatural fandom blog anymore. It wasn’t all wasted though. I did get a wonderful friendship group out of this fandom, and I have certainly expanded my knowledge of film and television analysis, as well as having enjoyed a great many memes.

I guess in the end, my internal war with my inner bitter Cas girl finished with her winning, and writing this post. Once it is posted however, I will put her to sleep with thoughts of a happy Castiel, who has swapped his wings for a beating human heart, and is living on a beach somewhere beautiful, refurbishing an old Victorian house, and greeting his kindly elderly neighbours. There’s a gay bar on the main strip, and the bartender is quite a dish. Green eyes and light brown hair with a killer smile. Castiel thinks he looks familiar, like a memory from a past life, but they’ve definitely never met, because this man is kind.

Now that she is asleep, there is nothing left for me here. Goodbye everyone. Whether you manage to enjoy the finale or not, I truly hope you too, find your peace.

#personal #a goodbye message to fandom

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lildevyl · 4 years

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Whumptober Day 26: Abandoned

Summary: Got this idea from Hearts and Heroes a Markiplier fan-made game. This is my take on what happened when Mark came to save the fans from the Terrorlings and what might have happened to have Mark become Darkiplier.

TW: Nightmare, Self Doubt, Cursing

(Melody’s Nightmare)

“Brandy!” Marie screamed as she came in from behind wrapping her arms around Brandy.

“NO! Please! I’m suppose to save you!!!” Brandy cried effortlessly trying to grab Melody’s hand before the shadows consumed her.

“I’m sorry!!!” The Darkness surrounded Melody and consumed her.

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(The Markiplier Hub)

There was a flash of bright light and the next thing that Brandy and her team knew, was they were back at the Hub.

Mark was there but the one thing that nobody noticed was that the Hub was completely empty. Mark hurried to the group as soon as he saw them. “What happened!?”

“I COULDN’T SAVE HER!!!” Brandy cried hysterically tears were pouring down her face.

“The Darkness took her!” Marie supplied unsure of what had just happened.

“If I had just gotten there sooner!!! If I could have just convinced her that she was worth it!” Brandy began to beat herself up over this. She was successful in other missions. Was able to help her team and yet this one, she failed. She failed to save her, to save Melody.

Melody was having a nightmare about SCP Containment and being a victim. Thought that she deserved to be in that nightmare, to be in that cell. That all she did was cause trouble and that people around her would only get hurt because of her. But that wasn’t true. Brandy didn’t know why, but she had a gut feeling that all of what Melody was thinking and feeling, it was do to the Terrorlings. They were feeding off of her fear and making her believe that she was the cause of the trouble. Melody had a heart on her sleeve, she would have been one of the Hero's to help others, to fight off the Terrorlings!

“W-why c-couldn’t I save her? I couldn’t h-help her? Why c-can’t I help anybody?!” Brandy began to sob and start to believe the self doubt that began to form.

If only you had gotten there sooner.

That poor girl would have been saved.

Would have been on you team.

Some team leader you turned out to be.

“Something happened! We just appeared back here!” Lilith said.

“She must have woken up. It’s okay -” Mark tried to calm everyone down.

“IT’S NOT OKAY!!! I DIDN’T SAVE HER!!! IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!!” Brandy cried backing away from everyone. A black hole appeared behind Brandy, but she too distracted, too distraught to see it.

“Brandy wait!!” Jason called out.

“BRANDY!!!” Marie screamed as she saw Brandy fell through the black hole in the floor.

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(Brandy’s Nightmare)

Brandy fell through the hole in the floor of the Markiplier Hub and landed on top of a patch of golden flowers. In a stone temple like palace.

“Huh? What happened? Where am I?” Brandy looked around trying to figure out where she might be. “This my nightmare?” Brandy walked along the path and upon a stone doorway. “Oh, no. I think I know what game this was from.”

Brandy walked through the stone doorway and continue upon the path. Where she found a patch of green grass and very evil golden flower.

“You idiot! You failed. You couldn’t save her.” Flowey taunted.

“I tried! I tried so hard!”

“It wasn’t enough! You let them down. Weren’t you supposed to be the leader?”

“Stop it!” Brandy cried.

“Mark trusted you, but you failed him. You failed your team! You failed that poor girl. And now, by being here, you failed yourself!” Flowey grinned and ready to attack.

Brandy did her best to fight off Flowey, but the more she fought the more, the doubts and fear she kept trying to supress, kept coming to surface. Pretty soon, her attacks were becoming weaker and weaker. Flowey saw this and began to taunt her even more. Soon, she would succumb to the darkness as well.

“What kind of leader needs to be saved? It’s all your fault! You couldn’t save anyone, not like this! You might act tough, but deep down you know better!”

“Please!” Brandy begged.

“You’re nothing.” Flowey’s haunting laughing echoed all around.

“You’re wrong!” Marie’s voice broke through silencing the haunting laugh. “She saved me! She saved all of us!”

Brandy turned around and saw all of her friends and teammates teleported into her nightmare. They came to save her. They came to get her.

“None of this was her fault!” Jason encouraged.

“Sometimes, you tried your hardest and things still didn’t turn out the way you wanted it too.” Lilith asserted.

“We wouldn’t leave you behind to fight alone, Brandy!” Reed promised

“But . . .”

“You think you could save her? I like to see you try!” Flowey taunted even more and to add insult to injury, Flowey called upon more Terrorlings to the fight.

Brandy and her team ready themselves and held their own. Flowey was defeated! But to their horror, Flowey was still planted and was standing tall with a huge smile on his face.

“Did you think that would be all? Did you really think that you could win with the power of friendship?”

=================================

“Hey it works in FanFictions! It works in Anime! Movies, TV Shows, books, magna . . .”

“Ahem! Weirdmix? I know you’re new to the whole Narrator thing but are you finished? I think we need to get back to the story here!

“Oh! Hehehe! Sorry! Okay, now where were we?”

=======================================

“Did you think that would be all? Did you really think that you could win with the power of friendship? You’re all so weak! So stupid!! Now let’s see how you handle this!!!” Flowey summoned more Terrorlings to the battle. Half the field was covered with Terrorlings!!

“What the hell?! There’s too many!” Reed observed.

“There’s no way we could this alone!” Lilith agreed.

“We need help! We need Mark!” Marie nearly shouted.

You called for help.

More Terrorlings appeared.

But nobody came.

“My powers aren’t working! I - I can’t do this!” Brandy cried doubting her own ability.

“Yes, you can! We’re here! You didn’t fail anybody!” Jason tried to encouraged.

“But I did! I couldn’t help her! I couldn’t help you!” Brandy confessed.

“Where the hell is Mark!? We need help!!!” Reed shouted.

You called for help.

But nobody came.

“I don’t . . . I don’t know what to do!” Brandy cried out in fear. There was too many Terrorlings. Too many doubts and fear going through her head. She didn’t know what to do in this situation.

“Brandy watch out!” Marie shoved Brandy outta the way and one of the Terrorlings knocked her unconscious. Marie vanished from Brandy’s nightmare, waking up in the real world.

You called for help.

But nobody came.

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!” Jason was freaking out now.

Mark was finally able to teleport into Brandy’s dream. Using the dream power he learned over the years, he managed to take out at least half the Terrorlings. A portal to the Markiplier Hub opened behind the group.

“Go! Get through the portal! I’ll fight off the rest!”

You let everyone down, Mark. So, much hate comments on your videos. Not even the fans you saved care about you. Do even care about them? You were late! They could’ve been consumed! And would have been all your fault for being late! Become our leader Mark. You will be so strong!

======================================

(Markiplier Hub)

Everyone made it back to the Hub, and everyone’s anxiety, nerves, and stress level was at an all time high.

“Where’s Mark?” Lilith asked concerned.

“Wasn’t he right behind me?” Brandy asked.

Mark appeared a few minutes later, looking worse for wear. “Is everyone alright? Wait, where’s Marie?”

“She’s gone! I couldn’t protect her!” Jason stated realization crashing down on him.

“This was all your fault Mark!” Reed yelled in Mark’s face. “What took you so fucking long? The hero always arrives at the last minute! Wasn’t that right? But you were too damn late!”

“Reed! Please stop it?” Lilith pleaded. “It’s not his fault. You couldn’t expect him to be everywhere at once.”

“But we needed him!” Reed accused. “Mark, we needed you! And you let us down! You always do this!”

“But he didn’t!” Jason tried to come to Mark’s defense but Reed cut him off.

“It wasn’t like you were any help! You fucking freak!”

“Reed! You need to calm down!” Brandy interjected.

“NO! And don’t you tell me to calm down! Mark needs to take responsibility!”

“For what?! For you blowing things outta proportion?!”

“Blowing things outta proportion?! Marie is gone! Everyone’s gone!!! Look at this place!!! Take a good look around!!! What the fuck has the place become?”

Jason backed away. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I just can’t - please stop yelling!” Jason disappeared, waking up in the real world.

“Jason?”

“Please? I can explain,” Mark tried to reason.

“Explain what? This was all your fault! No wonder people have stopped coming! You let this negative shit get in here!!!”

“Reed! That’s enough! Don’t talk to him like that!” Brandy interjected trying her best to keep her temper and failing miserably.

“Look you guys,” Mark tried. “I can’t control how people . . .” Reed cut him off.

“Isn’t this place your responsibility?! If you actually cared then this wouldn’t have happened!! You’re just like everyone else! You might start with good intentions, but sooner or later you just stop caring. Just like everyone else does. You’re goddamn fake!!!!”

“Reed! Shut! The! Fuck! Up!” Brandy yelled not able to hold her temper anymore.

“Fuck you! I hate . . . I hate . . .” Reed disappeared, waking up in the real world.

“Why is this happening?” Lilith cried before she too disappeared and woke up in the real world.

Brandy turned around after everyone left and saw Mark facing the wall. She cautiously approached him. Not sure on what she would say, or how to comfort him, but all she knew was that she had to try.

“Mark? Are you okay? Reed . . . He didn’t mean it. He was just . . . He’s under a lot of . . .” Brandy falter not being able to come up with the right words.

“It’s okay,” Mark said taking his glasses off. “I’m - I’m used to it.”

“Mark?” Brandy reached her hand out to him. She very concerned now. Something just didn’t feel right.

Mark turned his head toward her. Brandy saw the crushed look on his face and the black tears streaming down his face.

=================================

(Mark’s House)

Did you miss me?

“Gah! AAHHHH!!!!” Mark shot straight up from him bed. He was still slightly crying from the dream - the nightmare he had. He got up from bed and went to the bathroom to splash some water on his face. Then he got ready for the day. All the while he couldn’t get rid of the feeling of dread and the dark voice in his head.

They abandoned you.

The memory of last flash right in front of Mark’s mind’s eye. Everyone in the Hub, all different people, some fans, some not, some were very brave, others were so timid. All of them leaving. One by one. Marie, Jason, Lilith. Brandy tried to console him, but Mark knew deep down that Reed . . . that Reed. That Reed was right!

You’ve been pushed aside.

Bob and Wade didn’t need to come to the Hub anymore. They had their own Hub’s that they’re in charge of. They sometimes come to his Hub to check on Mark, to see how he’s doing. And go on missions with him if it really was a tough one. Jack, has his own Hub in Brighton, kicking so many Terrorlings asses. How was he able to come and visit his Hub every now and then and still do his own? Sleep is for the weak! Jack always said. And even Felix. He lives in Brighton right there with Jack. And he has been doing this long before Mark ever came around. As a matter of fact, Felix was the one that helped Mark out when he first started all this.

You’ve been replaced.

Several of his videos weren’t doing so good. Everytime he did a collab with Bob, Wade, Ethan or Jack, views went through the roof! And so many people . . . Have they really moved on to bigger and better things? Is it time for Mark to quit YouTube? Have they found someone . . . new?

Mocked.

Memories of several videos being shown and even videos that Mark himself thought were funny and were paradies. Now, he was starting to wonder. Were they really paradies? Hello everybody my name is Markiplier. Several people pretending to be him. NO! It was cosplay! His fans loved to do cosplay! The mini series!!! The other sketches that he did! That’s all it was! It was all fun and games! Wasn’t it?

Do you really think that they would ever truly trust you? All you have to do is let me in. Let me take control. You won’t have to hurt anymore.

Mark finished up his recording for the day. He was so emotionally, mentally and physically tired. He wasn’t sure if he could fight off the Terrorlings anymore. But then again, would anyone really come back after what he did? After what he kept hiding? He couldn’t hide from it any longer. It was time to face his nightmare and his own Terrorling.

Darkiplier.

====================================

(Markiplier’s Nightmare)

When Mark returned to the Markiplier Hub, all the negativity and self doubt came crashing in on him at once.

There’s so much hate. And it’s all your fault! You could’ve saved everyone. You could’ve helped everyone. But you failed. You weren’t there when they needed you.

You’re pathetic!

It’s all falling apart around you. They don’t trust you anymore. How could they? You’re let them down over and over again. You’ll never be the hero they truly need. You never were a hero.

Just give up.

All you have to do is let me in. Let me take control. You’ll never be weak ever again.

Mark knew what he needs to do. Going over the to You’re Welcome Tour Poster, Mark tore it down. Behind it is a Mark sized black hole leading to his nightmare. He has to face it head on. He has to face his worst fear, his worst nightmare. His Terrorling, Darkiplier.

Stepping through the black hole, Mark found himself in Freddy’s Pizzeria. Well, a perfect way to face his nightmare and to punish himself at the sametime. What Mark didn’t expect is that his fans did manage to ge into the Markiplier Hub, came into his nightmare to help save him.

“What are you guys doing here?” Mark demanded when he saw who is there with him.

“We’re here for you Mark!”

“Mark, this all my fault! I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m so sorry, but you shouldn’t have to feel like you have to take all this on your own.” Reed said.

“But you were right Reed. I failed you. I failed - all of you. Please leave while you still can.” Mark tried to reason. He can feel it. Darkiplier taking control, but he can’t let him do that when they were still here!

“We won’t leave you behind!” Marie said.

“You’re a good person Mark! Making some mistakes doesnt’ change that. Not rescuing everyone every single time, doesn’t mean you failed us!” Brandy tried to reason with Mark but it was too little to late.

“Oh shut up.”

“Mark?” Jason asked nervously.

“What did I just say? I don’t want to hear another one of your pathetic worthless cries. You were given the chance to leave, but now it’s too late. I’m in control now. You’re not getting out of this.”

“Mark, please stop it! You’re scaring me!” Marie exclaimed hoping that this isn’t who she thought it is.

“You have to snap out of it!” Lilith said.

“Oh, please! You’ve been asking for this!”

“What the hell does that suppose to mean?!” Reed demanded.

“Are you really so blind? You really didn’t see this coming? I should have known you didn’t really care. You fight, point fingers, spitting venom at each other out of nothing but baseless anger and jealously. The darkness has been growing with ever bitter word and it just goes to show how stupid and useless he was. But not anymore.”

“Mark . . .” Marie started now that she truly has an idea on what is happening.

“Not quite. It’s my turn now.”

“Who . . . Who are you?” Brandy asked.

“In a sense, I’m still the same ol’ guy you still know and love. But . . . I think you know who I truly am.”

“Darkiplier?” Lilith suggested putting the clues together.

“Well done, Lilith,” Darkiplier praise in a considening tone.

“So you’re the one that caused this? You’re the reason Mark’s in this nightmare?” Reed demanded not even bothering to tamper is temper.

“Me? Is that what you think? Sure, Mark succumbed to this, but how do think that happened? When he told you all to run last night, he stayed to fight those Terrorlings. But he was weak. Mark was vulnerable, he couldn’t stop them and he succumbed to the darkness. But don’t you worry about him anymore. Things are looking so much better this way. Turns out this exactly what he needed.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense! Why didn’t Mark ask for help?” Jason asked.

“Would you? Thought not. Like I said, none of you really care. That’s how it came to this. Haven’t you notice the Hub becoming more and more empty? I don’t really know how you managed to get in. That place is flooded with negativity, making it crumble. Making it weak. But that’s okay, this darkness only feeds me and the Terrorlings grow stronger. And soon enough, you and all of his . . . No, my fans will be consumed by the darkness.”

“No! That’ll never happen!” Brandy said getting ready for a fight of life time.

“Please you naivety make me sick,” Dark scuffed.

“Mark, please!” Brandy tried to get to Mark. But that was a big mistake.

“I am not Mark! I am Dark. And soon you’ll understand how much better I really am.” Dark disappeared and reappeared fully ready to take down these pathetic weak fans.

“Hello everybody!” Dark mocked Mark’s intro. “My name is Darkiplier. And welcome . . . To the Fall of a Hero.”

Tagging: @weirdmixofweirdness, @septic-dr-schneep, @isa-ghost, @egopocalypse, @averyancora, @d-structive, @dolphintreasureart, @dezzydynamite, @a-humble-narcissus, @thevampireauthoress, @markiplier, @fear-is-nameless, @fischyplier, @huffletrax, @shadowsinyoursoul, @kangaroo-roux

#markiplier #hearts and heros #whumptober2019 #whumptober day 26 #abandoned #guest star #weirdmixofweirdness #as the narrator #hope you like this #let me know in the comments #this is the original for this day #one i submitted to jse charity project I had to cut down to be in the maximum requirement for the length #and all see you all in the next post!#the narrator

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uppwardlife-blog · 7 years

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Law of Attraction: Friend or Foe?

Sorry I haven't written anything for a while. The new school semester started back and I wanted to focus on my studies, as not to waste my time and money! It hasn't all been work work work though. I did stumble upon something interesting.

So I was flipping through Netflix a couple of weeks ago and happened upon The Secret. What was the secret?, I asked myself. I like secrets, who doesn't like secrets, next thing you know I'm watching The Secret. :)

Basically if you haven't watched it, its talking about the Law of Attraction. Which through further research I've discovered was one of the 7 Hermetic Laws, (Fascinating BTW) Correspondence. As above so below, so below so above. Which states, "The thoughts and images we hold in our mind will attract their physical likeness to us in our external circumstances."

I suddenly realized I've been a slave to this law my entire life and hadn't even realized it. How many times have I had a poverty mindset and received poverty and lack? A bunch. Or had a bad day and thought, "When it rains it pours.", and had something else fuck up. A bunch. See the thing about a universal law is that its in effect with or without you acknowledging it. Its not all bad, on the contrary, it can be a powerful ally if understood and applied positively.

So I decided to put it to the test. I have made it a point to be as positive as possible. Visualizing and vocally saying positive affirmations daily. Discarding negative thoughts as soon as I recognize them. (Which raises my vibration, another Hermetic Law) A form of spiritual alchemy I suppose. To be honest, negativity sticks out like a sore thumb nowadays.

The verdict: The past few weeks have been incredibly blessed. I've visualized peace and happiness and that's what life has rewarded me with. Also, one of my affirmations and visualizations involve money and abundance. I haven't won the lottery yet, or played, lol but during a date night with the GF a business idea came to me like a bolt and we have been researching and planning its manifestation ever since.

See the one gripe I have about The Secret is it misleads viewers with a seemingly magical wish and receive concept. No work, just think and poof! #Millions NEGRO PLEASE...no!

God or The Universe, whichever depending on your leanings, may send occasional blessings with no effort from you, but large big boy manifestations only come with ACTION! No magic pill, but you will receive divine inspiration and things will begin to flow and fall into place as you move towards what you desire. Faith without works is dead BTW.

In Mark chapter 11 Jesus curses a fig tree and the next day it was withered. Verse 23 "I assure you that you can say to this mountain, ' may God lift you up and throw you into the sea, ' and your command will be obeyed. All that's required is that you really believe and do not doubt in your heart."

Not to shove my religion down your throat but from a Judaeo Christian perspective God made us in His image and dwells in us. Which means He experiences a portion of His divine experience through us. Which if you think about is incredibly powerful. God created all that is with thought and word. So choose yours carefully.

To be honest there is so much more that I don't understand and that's o.k. I'll never know it all. I will say this though, I'm happy that I stumbled upon the Law of Attraction, so I don't have to keep taking bites of a shit sandwich if my day is trying to feed me one. And now neither do you!

So my challenge to you is to give it a try. Attempt to focus only on what you want and visualize it, feel it, as if you already have it in your minds eye. And see for yourself if your life doesn't begin to manifest what you set your intentions to. Here's to attracting blessings :)

Best of life, Kris

#abundance #blessings #hermetic law #law of attraction #happiness

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lildevyl · 5 years

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Abandoned

Summary: Got an idea from Hearts and Heroes a Markiplier fan-made game. This is my take on what happens when Darkiplier is trying to take over Mark and the fight that fans did to try and bring him back.

TW: Nightmares, manipulation, Cursing/Swearing, Darkness, Self Doubt, Dreams

A/N: This is a couple of scenes that I put together based the fan-made game Hearts and Heroes a Markiplier fan-game. This is for the JSE Charity Project Writing Contest. It’s not that long, but I’m going to be fixing it, editing it and re-writing it for the Whumptober Prompt List. Enjoy!

Tagging: @jsecharityproject

(Melody’s Nightmare)

“Brandy!” Marie screamed as she came in from behind wrapping her arms around Brandy.

“NO! Please! I’m suppose to save you!!!” Brandy cried effortlessly trying to grab Melody’s hand before the shadows consumed her.

“I’m sorry!!!” The Darkness surrounded Melody and consumed her.

====================================

(The Markiplier Hub)

There was a flash of bright light and the next thing that Brandy and her team knew, was they were back at the Hub.

Mark was there but the one thing that nobody noticed was that the Hub was completely empty. Mark hurried to the group as soon as he saw them. “What happened!?”

“I COULDN’T SAVE HER!!!” Brandy hysterically cried. Tears were pouring down her face.

“The Darkness took her!” Marie supplied unsure of what had just happened.

Melody was having a nightmare about SCP Containment and being a victim. Thought that she deserved to be in that nightmare, to be in that cell. That all she did cause trouble and that people around would only get hurt because of her. But that wasn’t true. Brandy didn’t know why, but she had a gut feeling that all of what Melody was thinking and feeling, it was do to the Terrorlings. They were feeding off of her fear and making her believe that she was the cause of the trouble. Melody had a heart on her sleeve, she would have been one of the Heroes to help others, to fight off the Terrorlings!

“W-why c-couldn’t I save her? I couldn’t h-help her? Why c-can’t I help anybody?!” Brandy began to sob and start to believe the self doubt that began to form.

If only you had gotten there sooner.

That poor girl would have been saved.

Would have been on you team.

Some team leader you turned out to be.

“Something happened! We just appeared back here!” Lilith said.

“She must have woken up. It’s okay -” Mark tried to calm everyone down.

“IT’S NOT OKAY!!! I DIDN’T SAVE HER!!! IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!!” Brandy cried backing away from everyone. A black appeared behind Brandy, but she too distracted, too distraught to see it.

“Brandy wait!!” Jason called out.

“BRANDY!!!” Marie screamed as she saw Brandy fell through the black hole in the floor.

==================================

(Brandy’s Nightmare)

Brandy fell through the hole in the floor of the Markiplier Hub and landed on top of a patch of golden flowers. In a stone temple like palace.

Brandy walked through the stone doorway and continue upon the path. Where found a patch of green grass and very evil golden flower.

“You idiot! You failed. You couldn’t save her.” Flowey taunted.

“I tried! I tried so hard!”

“It wasn’t enough! You let them down. Weren’t you supposed to be the leader?”

“Stop it!” Brandy cried.

“Mark trusted you, but you failed him. You failed your team! You failed that poor girl. And now, by being here, you failed yourself!” Flowey grinned and ready to attack.

Brandy did her best to fight off Flowey, but the more she fought the more, the doubts and fear she kept trying to suppress, kept coming to surface. Pretty soon, her attacks were becoming weaker and weaker. Flowey saw this and began to taunt her even more. Soon, she would succumb to the darkness as well.

“What kind of leader needs to be saved? It’s all your fault! You couldn’t save anyone, not like this! You might act tough, but deep down you know better!”

“Please!” Brandy begged.

“You’re nothing.” Flowey’s haunting laughing echoed all around.

“You’re wrong!” Marie’s voice broke through silencing the haunting laugh. “She saved me! She saved all of us!”

Brandy turned around and saw all of her friends and teammates teleported into her nightmare. They came to save her. They came to get her.

“None of this was her fault!” Jason encouraged.

“Sometimes, you tried your hardest and things still didn’t turn out the way you wanted it too.” Lilith asserted.

“We wouldn’t leave you behind to fight alone, Brandy!” Reed promised

“But . . .”

“You think you could save her? I like to see you try!” Flowey taunted even more and to add insult to injury, Flowey called upon more Terrorlings to the fight.

Brandy and her team ready themselves and held their own. Flowey was defeated! But to their horror, Flowey was still planted and was standing tall with a huge smile on his face.

“Did you think that would be all? Did you really think that you could win with the power of friendship?”

=================================

Hey it works in FanFictions! It works in Anime! Movies, TV Shows, books, magna . . .

Ahem! Narrator?

Yes?

If you’re finish? I think we need to get back to the story here!

Oh! Hehehe! Sorry! Okay, where were we?

=======================================

“What the hell?! There’s too many!” Reed observed.

“There’s no way we could this alone!” Lilith agreed.

“We need help! We need Mark!” Marie nearly shouted.

You called for help.

More Terrorlings appeared.

But nobody came.

“My powers aren’t working! I - I can’t do this!” Brandy cried doubting her own ability.

“Yes, you can! We’re here! You didn’t fail anybody!” Jason tried to encouraged.

“But I did! I couldn’t help her! I couldn’t help you!” Brandy confessed.

“Where the hell is Mark!? We need help!!!” Reed shouted.

You called for help.

But nobody came.

“Brandy watch out!” Marie shoved Brandy outta the way and one of the Terrorlings knocked her unconscious. Marie vanished from Brandy’s nightmare, waking up in the real world.

You called for help.

But nobody came.

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!” Jason was freaking out now.

“Go! Get through the portal! I’ll fight off the rest!”

==========================

(Markiplier Hub)

Everyone made it back to the Hub, and everyone’s anxiety, nerves, and stress level was at an all time high.

“Where’s Mark?” Lilith asked concerned.

“Wasn’t he right behind me?” Brandy asked.

Mark appeared a few minutes later, looking worse for wear. “Is everyone alright? Wait, where’s Marie?”

“She’s gone! I couldn’t protect her!” Jason stated. Realization crashing down on him.

“This was all your fault Mark!” Reed yelled in Mark’s face. “What took you so fucking long? The hero always arrives at the last minute! Wasn’t that right? But you were too damn late!”

“Reed! Please stop it?” Lilith pleaded. “It’s not his fault. You couldn’t expect him to be everywhere at once.”

“But we needed him!” Reed accused. “Mark, we needed you! You let us down! You always do this!”

“But he didn’t!” Jason tried to come to Mark’s defense but Reed cut him off.

“It wasn’t like you were any help! You fucking freak!”

“Reed you need to calm down!” Brandy interjected.

“NO! Don’t you tell me to calm down! Mark needs to take responsibility”

“For what?! For you blowing things outta proportion?!”

“Blowing things outta proportion?! Marie was gone! Everyone’s gone!!! Look at this place!!! Take a good look around!!! What the fuck has the place become?”

Jason backed away. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I just can’t - please stop yelling!” Jason disappeared, waking up in the real world.

“Jason?”

“Please? I can explain,” Mark tried to reason.

“Explain what? This was all your fault! No wonder people have stopped coming! You let this negative shit get in here!!!”

“Reed! That’s enough! Don’t talk to him like that!” Brandy interjected trying her best to keep her temper and failing miserably.

“Look you guys,” Mark tried. “I can’t control how people . . .” Reed cut him off.

“Reed! Shut! The! Fuck! Up!” Brandy yelled not able to hold her temper anymore.

“Fuck you! I hate . . . I hate . . .” Reed disappeared, waking up in the real world.

“Why is this happening?” Lilith cried before she too disappeared and woke up in the real world.

Brandy turned around after everyone left and saw Mark facing the wall. She cautiously approached him. Not sure on what she would say, or how to comfort him, but all knew was that she had to try.

“Mark? Are you okay? Reed . . . He didn’t mean it. He was just . . . He’s under a lot of . . .” Brandy falter not being able to come up with the right words.

“It’s okay,” Mark said taking his glasses off. “I’m - I’m used to it.”

“Mark?” Brandy reached her hand out to him. She very concerned now. Something just didn’t feel right.

Mark turned his head toward her. Brand saw the crushed look on his face and the black tears streaming down his face.

=================================

(Mark’s House)

You let everyone down, Mark. There’s so much hate. And it’s all your fault! You could’ve saved everyone. You could’ve helped everyone. But you failed. You weren’t there when they needed you.

You’re pathetic!

It’s all falling apart around you. They don’t trust you anymore. How could they? You’re let them down over and over again. You’ll never be the hero they truly need. You never were a hero.

Just give up.

*Did you miss me?*

They abandoned you.

You’ve been pushed aside.

Bob and Wade didn’t need to come to the Hub anymore. They had their own Hub’s that they’re in charge of. They sometimes come to his Hub to check on Mark, to see how he’s doing. And go on missions with him if it really was a tough one. Jack, has his own Hub in Brighton. Kicking so many Terrorlings asses. How was he able to come and visit his Hub every now and then and still do his own? Sleep is for the weak! Jack always said. And even Felix. He lives in Brighton right there with Jack. And he has been doing this long before Mark ever came around. As a matter of fact, Felix was the one that helped Mark out when he first started all this.

You’ve been replaced.

Several of his videos weren’t doing so good. Everytime he did a collab with Bob, Wade, Ethan or Jack, views went through the roof! And many people . . . Have they really moved on to bigger and better things? Was it time for Mark to quit YouTube? Have they found someone . . . new?

Mocked.

Memories of several videos being shown and even videos that Mark himself thought were funny and were parodies. Now, he was starting to wonder. Were they really paradies? Hello everybody my name is Markiplier. Several people pretending to be him. NO! It was cosplay! His fans loved to do cosplay! The mini series!!! The other sketches that he did! That’s all it was! It was all fun and games! Wasn’t it?

Do you really think that they would ever truly trust you? All you have to do is let me in. Let me take control. You won’t have to hurt anymore.

Darkiplier.

=========================

Tagging: @huffletrax, @egopocalypse, @weirdmixofweirdness, @fear-is-nameless, @juju-on-that-yeet

#spooktoberwritingcontest #jse charity project #markiplier #hearts and heros #writersofmark #whumptober #whumptober 2019 #let me know what you think in the comments #will add for whumptober #hope you enjoy #angst #whump #tw self doubt #tw dark themes #tw cursing/swearing #tw manuplation #darkiplier

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