#sorta four if you count boogie nights

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: weeks 28 & 29

thoughts on the songs that debuted on the billboard charts of 7.19.1997, 7.26.1997, 7.21.2007, 7.28.2007, 7.22.2017, and 7.29.2017.

spoiler: that too many songs

Week Twenty-Eight

7.19.1997

17) "Gotham City," by R. Kelly

There is nothing of value to be said here, especially by me, who enabled the monster for so long. There is nothing in this song that could justify the lives he's ruined. I hope his body rots worse than his soul.

19) "Whatever," by En Vogue

This is a lovely palette cleanser! A fairly groovy R&B tune by a known entity, not particularly deep and focused solely on being a joy to listen to. Washes the bad taste of the men we watched do harm right out of our mouths, and it leaves us ready to dive back into music we like from uncomplicated humans who DON'T have actual sex slaves!

47) "Take it to the Streets," by Rampage ft./Billy Lawrence

This was pretty okay. Rampage is Busta Rhymes' cousin, so that's neat for him. What a boon that must have been for him in his career. I -- I'm sorry, the big 1997 project is over, and now 1997 is just a fact of everyday life and not a fun treat for us, and now everything feels like an obligation instead of a delight. Or maybe these songs are just enh, I don't know, anyway, next we have a selection off a shitty rock band's worst album, hoo boy, really getting excited for 1997's first week as a YAS regular.

57) "Last Night on Earth," by U2

This is a U2 single. They made a video for it. They have a VEVO and an official account, a U2be if you will, and that music video they made for this song is on neither. All I can find are unofficial uploads. The views on these uploads don't appear to crack the 500,000-view barrier. Even people who LIKE U2, whose job or hobby involves promoting and sharing U2's music would rather not think about this song. Nor should they, it's a dumb song no one should like, but man, if people who like this dumb band aren't into it, what hope did this song have with me?

70) "Four Leaf Clover," by Abra Moore

I shouldn't be the one to feel the instinct to teleport on seeing an Abra, but here we are. 1997 picked a hell of a week to have its worst week, y'all. I timed this poorly.

79) "When You Talk About Love," by Patti LaBelle

A fun way to set expectations for a song is to see what other auto-complete results pop up when searching for the song. One of the ones for this was "zumba." I can hear that. This is a song fast enough to exercise to, but doesn't go hard enough to inspire you to do actual exercise, you just stay with the DVD you found at Target with the fun name. I feel like I should be more into a Patti LaBelle song than I currently am, but I am for some reason in no mood to 1997 right now! It's head of the class but not graduating with honors.

83) "Up Jumps the Boogie," by Magoo & Timbaland ft./Aaliyah & Missy Elliott

It's interesting that Billboard gave Magoo top billing over Timbaland! It's weird that I never hear Magoo brought up when they talk about Timbaland, but I'm excited to h -- wait. ...Wait, is that... OK, no, okay, Magoo? Magoo. You had to know you were awful at this, right? You had to know you had no chance to succeed, that you would be transcended. Oh, Magoo, I am so sorry that this is your life. Anyway, Timbaland! This is dope. I have my issues with Timbaland's sound in 2007, but Timbaland is yet to drown in excess, this track has a nice build to it, and I have enough nostalgia that I am willing to forgive any amount of Magoo if it means a Timbaland/Missy collaboration. But Magoo is just unbelievably bad. They made a version of this song without him, right? It'd be a travesty if they didn't. Like, Magoo is keeping this song out of the Top 20.

91) "I Say a Little Prayer," by Diana King

I bet a "Say a Little Prayer" cover had some novelty value before American Idol kind of ruined covers of standards for the rest of the world. Like, I've heard enough versions of "Say a Little Prayer" in this lifetime that I didn't need this reggae version intercut with scenes from a romantic comedy. She does have another single called "Shy Guy," though. She and I have the same favorite Super Mario Bros. 2 enemy! That's one thing I got. Ugh, heck next week, TAKE ME 2007. I AM READY TO LOVE YOU AGAIN. TAKE ME INTO Ywhat do you mean "love theme from transformers"

7.21.2007

68) "You Know What It Is," T.I. ft./Wyclef Jean

T.I. claims, "I had the album of the year, Grammy or not." At first blush, this may seem overly boastful; after all, it's been established that T.I. may not be one of the 100 greatest rappers of all time, and T.I. never quite had the superstar power of a Kanye or a Kendrick or the type that usually wins the award. But the 2007 field for Best Rap Album was actually sorta weak. You have a Ludacris album with zero signature hits, which is notable given that Ludacris is the Foo Fighters of rap, an album from Pharrell that is only there because Pharrell made it, and albums from Lupe Fiasco and The Roots that were never going to win but do let the Grammys signal to their audience that they know what's up. Plus, 2006 in general was a shitty year for rap. You'd have to really stan for OutKast or Jay-Z to defend Idlewild or Kingdom Come, and apart from Food & Liquor, there aren't any classics bubbling just under the mainstream. Much in the same way 1989 was the best pop album of 2014 because everyone else's albums sucked, T.I.'s King was the best rap album of 2006. Unless you're into the Jeezy album or the Rick Ross album. Maybe those? I don't fuckin' know, I don't know history, this song is OK.

85) "LoveStoned," Justin Timberlake

Kind of unpleasant going from fun and actually composed music from Timbaland to "here's a thousand noises I slapped together TURNED TO ELEVEN" Timbaland. See, look at that, it has been like fifteen minutes, and I'm already nostalgic for the '90s. Only '90s kids will remember when Timbaland didn't make confusing music.

86) "Before It's Too Late (Sam and Mikaela's Theme)," The Goo Goo Dolls

Hey, remember in YAS '90s when I lamented the death of the soundtrack? Sure would be nice if we could pinpoint the exact moment the soundtrack cut died, the one soundtrack cut that ruined the commercial viability for future soundtrack cuts to come. Might be an interesting quest to take, to find the last soundtrack cut! Anyway, love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers

93) "Cupid Shuffle," Cupid

/went to bed at midnight /had a day at work where he said zero words to people /rough bus ride home /faced with 30 pop songs /plus self-imposed deadline /slumped over on desk /twitching more like... /labored breathing stupid shuffle /ugly crying that sounds like coughing

94) "Tough," Craig Morgan

It has been nearly two weeks since I've heard a country dude. I'm not even going to count the three country dudes I heard during YAS97, because one was George Strait and that treacly-ass nonsense about how daughters are awesome or whatever is about as country as a skyscraper. Not that this goes that much harder, it's a song celebrating a mother's toughness (which is honestly about as feminist as country gets), but you can really hear the difference in production values in country dude songs between 1997 and 2007. Songs get built better in the modren era, and while this eventually leads to the trashification of country, and also this song is cheeseball as hell, this is so much better to listen to than that Bros Brothers track.

95) "Everyday America," Sugarland

Songs like this are uncomfortable to contend with in an age where billionaires co-opt this sentiment to trick America into plunging itself into a totalitarion nightmarescape. This is a song that plays during the preamble to a rally where a man yells at you that the best way to save this version of America which never existed is to strip yourself of health care and just spray poison straight into the sun so that billionaires can pocket an extra $50k. I'm sorry, Sugarland. Usually I don't get in this mood, but this is 2017 we live in, and also all the things I said in the Cupid section.

99) "Misery Business," Paramore

I can hear the criticism of this song as something somewhat unfeminist, but expecting any 19-year-old to walk this earth cognizant of all social issues and doing their best to fight them is stupid. 19-year-olds should be making songs about some asshole what stole their boyfriend. It kinda sucks she used the word "whore?" But we all said shitty sings when we were 19. Most of the shit I said is archived on Facebook, and Hayley Williams has the singular misfortune of having her problematic years attached to THIS SONG WHICH GOES HARD AS HELL AND IS A POP/PUNK MASTERPIECE. This song rules. It's childish in all the right ways, and I'm always gonna have that nostalgia blind spot for it. Heck you for trying to ruin it with valid points about the song's less-than-chill attitude towards gender roles, just sit back, dawg. It could get worse. Remember when R. Kelly had a top 20 hit in this post?

100) "Guys Like Me," Eric Church

In the sense that this built a foundation on which Eric Church built up enough clout that he earned the creative freedom to make "Mr. Misunderstood," this song is worthwhile. In every single other sense, I can't believe I expressed something like positive thoughts about modren country music.

7.22.2017

(70) "Mi Gente," by J Balvin & Willy William

I was stoked to jump back into 2017 with some Latin pop. I've been down with this Latin pop revival (insofar as Latin pop needed to be revived (it was still thriving just not in the states (like duh))), and I was stoked for this song, but the translation shows that this is a song about how good this song is. I mean, hey, I've heard worse, but that doesn't mean we can't do better than this. Still, I like that fun kazoo noise, and this song has as much a right as any to shout about how good it is. Not a classic, but we ragequit this project after DJ Khaled took the top song, so hey, we're already doing better!

(78) "Rake it Up," by Yo Gotti ft./Nicki Minaj

Having heard every rap song that hit the Hot 100 from January through July 1997, I can confirm that literally all but one rapper in 1997 was better at the act of rapping than this Yo Gotti character. I have no nostalgia goggles for '90s rap, I am completely ignorant of any rap history that didn't make it to Shea Serrano's Rap Yearbook, I literally just mainlined the entirety of 1997 rap, and I can state from a position of authority that Yo Gotti is garbage to listen to. He has an advantage on Magoo, I am not here to engage in hyperbole, but he is worse at this thing he is being paid to do than all that preceded him. Nicki has a fun verse, her verses are usually fun, but this dude is awful. I'm supposed to think this is rap after having heard the "Not Tonight" remix? Come on, man.

(85) "Bodak Yellow," by Cardi B

I picked up Gangsta Bitch Music Vol. 1 based on the recommendation of a basketball podcast, and I was impressed. I thought there was a lot of potential there, and I'm glad to see it's getting harnessed into something. I might've picked a better person to mimic than Kodak Black, but I'm not gonna complain about a solid song. "Said little bitch/You can't fuck with me if you wanted to/These expensive/These is red bottoms, these are bloody shoes." I kinda fucking love that. Like, just casually letting you know she's already stomped on people. I'm into this. I hope she gets to do something less derivative in the future.

(87) "Who Dat Boy," by Tyler, the Creator ft./A$AP Rocky

I will never complain about Rocky in any situation. I actually haven't listened to... gosh, anything Tyler's made since Goblin. I think that's understandable, what with Goblin being terrible. But this is really cool. This isn't as Adult Swim as the Odd Future cohort can get. It still sort of sounds weird for weirdness' sake, but there's focus, there's actual dedication to making this sound like the nightmare Tyler thinks his head is. Plus, Rocky. I like that guy. Not bad! That counts as high praise, given my history with Tyler, the Creator.

(89) "Heartache on the Dance Floor," by Jon Pardi

he's not even a good singer. there is nothing about this dude's voice that is pleasant to hear, it sounds like an imitation of better singers, like what if you replaced everything that gave chris stapleton's voice depth and clarity and distinctive tone and replaced it with gross goat sounds. he has a range of "the note he sings in this song." fuck this dude and fuck everyone that ever believed in him.

(99) "Extra Luv," by Future ft./YG

Did... Did Future take inspiration from his collaboration with Calvin Harris? Because I don't think I've ever grooved this hard to a Future song. I don't think Future has ever made a song to be grooved to. It's usually music to make you run through a brick wall or music to contemplate every dark thought you've ever had, never a song that just exists for the sake of being fun to listen to. Like, did Future just go into the studio with Calvin Harris and just have his mind blown, like, "Wait, music can sound like THIS? I gotta try this shit out! Hot damn! This is a game-changer!" Still some sadness, it's about a woman loving how rich Future is and not Future himself, but it's packaged so differently from the rest of Future's stuff and I'm so thrilled if this is the direction Future will take with his next five albums!

Who won the week?

While we would like to give 2007 a shout-out for the individual achievement of Paramore, man, the rest of 2007 is horrible this week. 1997 and 2017 don’t fare a ton better; 2017 at least gives us three tracks that are interesting and, given how salty and/or burnt out I am, are probably a lot better than I think they are in my current mental state. It’s 2017.

Week Twenty-Nine

7.26.1997

31) "Someone," by SWV ft./Puff Daddy

Very nice work! Bob exclaimed, stirring himself from the Soulja Boy Tell'em passage he was writing because he doesn't need to listen to "Crank Dat" to know how "Crank Dat" makes him feel. You girls sure rocked the house! he said, wondering why he admitted he was looking past this song and not giving it the fair chance he gave other songs before it. Bob doesn't know what's happening in this paragraph, and while Bob would like to start over, he won't, because he wrote all these words, and deleting them would mean having to write more, y'know?

32) "I Can Love You," by Mary J. Blige ft./Lil Kim

A'ight, if you're gonna make me listen to this much R&B in one sitting, I appreciate that you're gonna give me something close to a standard. One day, man, I'm gonna get familiar with Mary J. Blige, and this song is a reminder of all the great things I'm missing out on, like I'm in a world right now where I'm not sure where this song ranks in the Mary J. Blige canon but can be absolutely certain it's not in the top tier. I'm gonna get to it, I've got other shit to work through but I swear, I'm gonna get to it. Gosh, I'm like seventy-five seasons behind on R&B musc.

57) "To the Moon and Back," by Savage Garden

...This could've stood to be a tad more dramatic. Like, I don't know, I'm trying to evaluate this song on some unspecified criteria, I lack the capacity of language to be writing these posts in the first place, I have no idea how to tell you what I'm looking for, but this song sounds like it's on this middle road between "beautiful subtle ballad" and "epic overblown power ballad," and I wish it would just choose a side, ever give me all the emotions or try to get at one specific emotion. It's alright, I didn't want to switch the YouTube video off, it just feels like nothing.

85) "(Freak) And U Know It," by Adina Howard

I've used the words "trash" and "garbage" a lot over the past week, because those are accurate descriptors of certain kinds of '90s music, but we also need to acknowledge when "trash" is a positive virtue. This song is trashy in all the right ways. It is completely unconcerned with engaging with the listener intellectually, focusing instead on the private parts, which she would very much like to freak. While sometimes it's disheartening when someone we know can do better doesn't try to do better, this song wouldn't work if it were concerned with anything but the basest desires. You should generally want something that is worth thinking about after you finish the song, but sometimes, you want a sexy voice over a funky bass line asking if you wanna go down.

7.28.2007

47) "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)," Soulja Boy Tell'em

This song is a singular achievement in American culture, and the day it was brought to our attention is the day we were alerted to the meaning of life.

100) "Never Too Late," Three Days Grace

YAS ALT-HISTORY: if everything went according to plan, I was going to pretend "Never Too Late" didn't exist and make Soulja Boy Tell'em take on the offerings of 2017 on his own, the last Spartan warrior screaming at the cloud of arrows. You can't know anything close to the disappointment I felt in the twenty seconds it took me to scroll from 47 to 100, getting more and more excited for the Soulja Boy Tell'em vs. The World narrative, and then finding, of all songs, this buttrock ballad, here to ruin everything, here to drag Soulja Boy Tell'em down. Like, Three Days Grace was one of the better buttrock bands; "Animal I Have Become" is legit, and the entire One-X album is the best thing any buttrock band put out, but this ballad sorta blows, and it completely ruined what should have been Soulja Boy Tell'em week. I can't forgive this song for doing that to me.

7.29.2017

(23) "The Story of OJ," by Jay-Z (35) "4:44," by Jay-Z (47) "Bam," by Jay-Z ft./Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley (51) "Family Feud," by Jay-Z ft./Beyonce (55) "Kill Jay-Z," by Jay-Z (56) "Smile," by Jay-Z ft./Gloria Carter (63) "Caught Their Eyes," by Jay-Z ft./Frank Ocean (86) "Moonlight," by Jay-Z (90) "Marcy Me," by Jay-Z

Jay-Z is great and 4:44 is great and all of these songs are great and 2017 has pulled off two wins by cheating. Like, if there's one thing I learned from 1997, it's that, when Drake gets 20 songs on the chart, he's taking those spots away from weird and/or wonderful songs by artists that will never hit again. I can't stop thinking about "Fulton St." two or three days after hearing it, but if it happened to drop one of those weeks an AAA artist dropped an album in 1997 and the Billboard chart was using the formula it is today, I wouldn't have heard it. That's not to say these songs aren't great, it's just an unfortunate quirk of these modern times, that Jay-Z gets nine hit songs and someone smaller is gonna lose their shot at something like notoriety.

(33) "Bank Account," by 21 Savage (94) "Famous," by 21 Savage

has this dude ever felt an emotion? i dunno, it's entirely possible i didn't feel like paying attention, but both of these songs were rapped in the same passive tone, never changing, just a voice maintaining at some level of chill without acknowledging anything like a feeling. which is impressive, if the goal is to get people to listen and never stop listening, this is the voice you need to perfect, this is a voice that can lull you into a trance where you wake up two hours later and realize you've listened to two of this dude's albums, but i know i have to hit skip at the end, and it's so fucking boring DO SOMETHING

(25) "Praying," by Kesha

Kesha went through a lot to make this song, and, as is stated, she has been through hell, through no end of pain and torture the likes of which no one should ever have to know. I can respect that.

(52) "Sorry Not Sorry," by Demi Lovato

I'm into Demi Lovato. I'm into shallow fun pop songs. I hated every second of this. Here's my conspiracy theory. I mentioned 1989 when discussing T.I. What if there's a conspiracy going on to make all pop music sound really shitty so that, when Tay Tay releases her album, she doesn't have any insurmountable hills to climb to claim Album of the Year again? (Yeah, DAMN. happened, but To Pimp a Butterfly was better than 1989. Didn't stop the Grammys!) Like, I'm into everything Julia Michaels has done, and I'm gonna love any album she releases, but she's not on that level. Selena Gomez is doing fun stuff, but she needs one more "Bad Liar" if she wants to hit that level. We're apparently not into Lorde anymore, we're finally over Katy Perry, no one else seems to be willing to release an album, I mean, Tay Tay's gonna take another weak year and use it to trick people into thinking an A- album is an A+. Big Machine somehow ruined this song, and we need to figure out how deep this goes.

(89) "Glorious," by Macklemore ft./Skylar Grey

I am as interested in Macklemore without Ryan Lewis as I am in six untoasted hot dog buns.

(91) "Get Low," by Zedd & Liam Payne

Oh good, the EDM dudelords are starting to rip off Calvin Harris' funky sound. Great. Look what you did, "Slide." (And to some extent, we should hold "Run Up" responsible, except "Run Up" is perfect and you never gave it a chance.) Now Zedd thinks he can make a shitty summer song. I didn't want to hear what Zedd thought summer sounded like. Turns out Zedd thinks summer is good! What a bold take, never saw that coming.

(92) "Fetish," by Selena Gomez ft./Gucci Mane

pop music is bad and i should not have added more of it to my weekly routine. "you've got a fetish for my love." that's fucking stupid. like, see! we had two decent songs from selena gomez, then this tanks her momentum! we're setting up for another year where tay tay takes a bye into Album of the Year consideration, and it won't even be as good as Red. she'll take her special brand of adult top 40 and amaze people who haven't heard a good song in weeks. man. what an unfortunate week to attempt to pull a double shift. the right thing to do would be to go to tumblr and say i'm cranky and need more time, but despite how bad the weeks were, i think i have some solid jokes. also, we got to think about jay-z for a few seconds! that was nice. thank you for making music this year, jay-z, i truly appreciate the work you put into making this post not a chore.

Who won the week?

It is kind of cheating to roll out a classic rap album, especially when the rest of 2017′s offerings were so enh. (I might like 21 Savage more if I weren’t so over everything.) But 1997 and 2007 don’t bring much to the table, either, and I can’t help how the charts get made. 2017 wins another one, which actually puts it ahead in the season standings: 2017: 11 1997: 10 2007: 8 Next week, 2007 rolls out High School Musical 2 and Billy Ray Cyrus against “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems,” which I think is going to go very well for 2007! 2017 will likely feature that shitty bro country dude’s attempt at being Chris Stapleton. Congratulations, 1997. (Hey, Bob, when you gonna do 1987, it only m)NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO