#soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

You will be missed so dearly.

It's like a hole has been torn into very structure of the station, and we're all just standing around it reeling from the shock.

It was good to cry with everyone. It was good to put up black ribbons. It will be good to say to curious outside voices, "We are in mourning, please do not badger us."

A man missing forever.

You had the brightest future ahead of you. You would have risen to be one of the greatest. You already were for us.

I will miss you dearly. We weren't personal friends, but we were colleagues, and I will forever cherish every minute I got to work with you. Your dry humour was the highlight of many a day. Your work ethics set an example I want to follow. You lived and breathed medicine, you were loyal, 100% dependable at all times, smart, diligent, literally wise beyond your years - what do you mean, I was a DECADE your senior?? Also the absolute funniest person around, no contest. Driest humour. Wittiest comments.

I wanted to listen to you talk more and I wanted to learn from you more. I can't believe I won't get to.

You were indispensable, and I think that hole in the structure will remain. We'll learn to live with it. With something being blown out in a blast. It's good to clear the rubble together, I think this helps.

I'm crying again.

Rest in peace.

#mourning #death cw #soryuchan's personal issues #maybe this sounds overly dramantic but when you work what we do your colleagues become your comrades in arms become your family of sorts #also that might be my personal hangups but it was so validating that grown men could just openly cry and sob and hug without judgement #it's good to mourn together #better would be not having to mourn at all #i can't believe this #also my heart goes out to the station chiefs who had to keep it a secret for several hours to prepare a less chaotic announcement #they pretended business as usual and i was only wondering WHY one of them seemed so curt and angry on the phone with me #turns out it wasn't anger at me at all but someone trying not to break down shouldering the responsibility of no chaos breaking out #it's good i was sick in bed when the announcement came bc i know myself. i would have put the car off the road in shock probably #damn why why why why why i can't believe this #also very validating to share the feeling of 'no I'm fully expecting the car door to open and him jumping out right now' #honestly it's so good to have someone to mourn with #daaaaamn this is all so unfair #going through the motions of posting my remaining whumptober stuff for formality's sake now #but then i will need a break from everything

[soryualeksi]

Part of me is monitoring my own mourning, somehow, and I see with a sense of dark curiosity how in our culture "guilt" and "fault" and shit are so stupidly ingrained as having anything to do with bad things happening at all that it's like. such a basic line to subconsciously fall back to when you're reeling.

Patients ask me all the time - somehow, sadly - "Is this punishment? Have I done something bad to deserve this? I haven't lived as a saint."

And every time I say, "This is not punishment, and nothing you ever did made you deserve this. There is no justice in sickness and death. These things happen, and they are unfair and unjust."

And now that I'm here, my brain tries to fall back onto, "Is this punishment? Have we done something wrong? Is it our fault he's dead? Can we ever wash the stain of guilt from our hands? Have we maybe failed our patients and this is what is coming for us?"

This is so irrational.

I know - I hope?????? - this isn't punishment, these things just happen, unjustly.

But damn, my mind is grasping at the most basic, culturally ingrained straws here.

#mourning #death cw #soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

Dude on the tram listening to some robot voice messages and I think this is the point today where I'll have an anxiety attack.

#brain convinced he plans to murder us #yes thank you for your input brain #i guess i had a stressful week #lol #anxiety cw #soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

Big Kiddo in Minecraft, combining Lime Green windows with Pink ones "because it looks great" LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN SAYING THAT GREEN AND PINK FIT PERFECTLY FOR DECADES!! DECADES NOW!!! (2 to be exact) AND PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!!!!

#big kiddo inherited my amazing taste in colour #i say this as the person who makes fun of the character who combines green and purple because it slaps #GREEN AND PINK FIT PERFECTLY OK #randomness #i just feel so seen and understood #I'm only half joking #big kiddo is soooooo like me as a kid and I'm always like '... wow. i WAS lovable. it wasn't my fault i wasn't loved' #big kiddo is so very lovable and amazing #and he shares a lot of my own quirks as a kid #so i guess i was a lovable kid after all too lol #anyway green and pink goes together perfectly #ramble ramble #soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

Big Kiddo has taken it up as his solemn, serious duty to "teach [Mini Kiddo] how to play Minecraft" and it's hilarious.

"Because she doesn't know how to play Minecraft yet and still has to learn how to play Minecraft!"

Now they're sitting in front of the desktop computer and he's on the big desk chair like "see, this is a spider, this is how a spider climbs things in Minecraft..." and Mini Kiddo is on a kitchen chair and watching highly focussed.

#they're so perfect #lmao #soryuchan's personal issues #yes big kiddo share your intense knowledge of the arcane secrets of minecraft spiders with your sister #also she's super into it #he's like 'come and watch me play minecraft' and she's like 'watch watch watch watch' #like for him this is serious business and he's actually teaching her very important things she needs to know #so I'm just delighted because he feels the urge to teach his sister important skills #parenting stuff #kids stuff #toddler stuff

[soryualeksi]

Okay, so. I'm ALL for not spreading, you know, deadly fucking disease to your fellow human beings, but WHAT is it with people, like, pretending to not understand the mere concept of a common cold anymore??

I keep being made an unwilling participant in a discussion that goes as follows:

"Hm, I have a cough and a sore throat."

"Oh dear."

"But I keep testing for Covid every day before coming into work."

"That's the responsible thing to do."

"The tests keep coming back negative."

"That's good to hear. Let's hope it stays that way."

Now normally, this would be the end of this extremely awkward sickness-smalltalk that I don't actually wanna know anything about. But no. Then they suddenly double down.

"I don't trust the tests."

"Well, I trust you to have done the tests in the correct manner, so if they keep coming back negative I would assume you don't have Covid."

"But I have a cough and a sore throat."

"Yes, I mean, it could just be a common cold. Those still exist."

"But I've been like this for a week now."

"Colds are like that."

"But also my head hurts a bit."

"Colds do that, too."

"But also I feel kind of tired and ill."

"Yes, that's... Look, I'm sure that before Covid you've had a cold at some point, too?"

"But I don't trust the tests."

AND THEN IT JUST GOES ON LIKE THIS.

WHAT IS BEING EXPECTED OF ME HERE.

;_;

I don't want to invalidate people feeling worried and then I usually say, look, if the ONE blob of nose slime that contains like three little particles for the test to come back positive on, is hidden SO deep within your nasal cavities you can't get it on your swab no matter how hard you poke around there, then even if you HAD Covid - which you don't - I think it's unlikely there'd be enough of the virus in that other little blob of nose slime over there you could possibly fling into the air IF you coughed wetly on the next person without covering your mouth.

Like?? Is this a new kind of social ritual I don't understand??? Are we signaling our place in the "We are mindful of the pandemic" hierarchy by??? Insisting our runny nose must be from Covid and we just cannot detect it AND ALSO IF YOU'RE SO WORRIED THAN WHY ARE YOU AT WORK WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WHY DO I HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN THAT

???

I don't wanna have this discussion anymore, I don't know what to say other than "In this case the evidence points to: common cold."

What is the purpose of this discussion, what answer do they want, what am I supposed to provide them. ;_; Please. You probably have a cold. If you feel so shitty that you have to constantly let me know, than maybe you should go get sick leave from your doctor, why are you telling ME, why do you believe that there's no other respiratory infections besides Covid anymore, WHAT DO YOU WANT, and also WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE *ME* YOUR DISGUSTING-ASS COLD SOB

I'm sorry for ranting, but this keeps happening and I'm TIRED. If you're really, truly worried you are infectious with a nasty disease, then stay the fuck home. And if you're not. Then WHY. Are we having this stupid discussion.

;_;

#I'm so confused and tired #this keeps happening #'my daily tests are negative but my throat is scratchy wow i think I'll pass the fuck up your lungs and blood vessels disease to you' #it's a cold and i don't care about your colds everyone has a scratchy throat this time of the year #if you're ill stay home #if not then don't try to rope me into endless 'but maybe it's covid after all don't you think' discussions #'but i don't get how i can feel under the weather and also my nose is runny' IS THIS A GAME I'M NOT GETTING #sob #it's so stupid to be annoyed about this but it just. keeps. happening. #if you think you'll give our cancer and dialysis patients the death cough than don't come #if you keep testing and nothing comes up and you do the tests right than i still can't help you #YES SOMETIMES YOUR THROAT WILL BE SCRATCHY THAT'S CALLED A COLD IT'S AUTUMN WHY IS THIS MY PROBLEM #maybe they actually want sympathy and 'wow this must be so hard on you' #but also i can't do more than say 'i hope you'll feel better soon and also I'm sure you'll live' #and frankly i don't want to #??? #random ranting #soryuchan's personal issues #I'm just tired i don't mind comforting people but the 'my throat is itchy' discussions are getting too much #too. much.

[soryualeksi]

It's fascinating how kids either pick up stuff or, which can actually be the case with such critters, are born with an aversion to things...

Mini Kiddo is 2 now and I don't think I've EVER referred to spiders as anything but "our friends who eat pest insects". I really try to raise the kids to be positively inclined towards even "creepy" critters. But just now she was in the bathtub and a house spider clambered up the tub and she was sort of. Staring at it for a few seconds. Until the spider made the tiniest movement. And Mini Kiddo all but FLEW from the tub, head-first, with the most panicked of SHRIEKS.

She was so shaken and needed a hug and getting comforted and all the while she was whimpering like "spider... scared... spider... scared..."

The poor thing. :'D

#i think kids can actually get born being wary of spiders and snakes and stuff #i try to be nice about spiders even though i would probably die if one touched my skin lol #i try to raise the kids to appreciate spiders #but poor mini kiddo was HORRIFIED just now about a spider. making any sort of movement. #truth be told i wouldn't have wanted to take a bath with a spider either #lol #poor kid #parenting stuff #toddler stuff #soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

Like. I might feel different in a few days or something, but right now I just feel depressed and don’t have the energy to even worry about whether it’s gonna be bad or whether we’ll get Long Covid or whether we’ll never taste anything ever again. There’s no point to it because I have no control, anyway.

Dunno, I guess I just feel overall bad. Will go back to abusing fictional characters to the bone.

#covid 19 #soryuchan's personal issues #so far i only feel a bit ill and my lungs hurt a little like they've been doing since last week

[soryualeksi]

Gender euphoria real.

#finally mustered the courage to get the correct underwear and it's so great #I'd love to tell everyone i meet how great it is but i better not lmao #it's so great #gender euphoria #good stuff #after a hell week it's good stuff #absolute hell week #but at least that #soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

Mini Kiddo just informed me very solemnly that she's afraid of snails.

#toddlers are great #toddler stuff #why snails tho what kid is afraid of snails #my daughter it seems #soryuchan's personal issues #parenting stuff

[soryualeksi]

My phone is broken. Somehow, it just goes into "Charging slowly" when plugged and it's just. So incredibly slow. You have no idea.

So now I need to save all my shit, plug the sim into one of our old spares and bring it to a repair service to idk get the battery exchanged or whatever is broken. And that's such a pain. ;_;

But the phone is still good and I'm NOT buying a new one after just two years, I'm so tired of shit breaking. ;_;

#sob #such a pain #soryuchan's personal issues #it's really not charging more than like. four percent an hour and that's uuuuh too little

[soryualeksi]

My phone has been in repair for a broken battery thing for the past. Like three weeks. (COINCIDENTALLY my husband’s phone ALSO has similar problems, COINCIDENTALLY at the same time, same model, same time of purchase, WHAT A COINCIDENCE)

And I’m trying to be patient and not entitled, but one of these days I’m going to crack the spare phone in half like a fucking walnut because I CANNOT DEAL WITH THE CONSTANT FAILING TO LOAD AND FREEZING AND JUST RANDOMLY SHUTTING OFF ANYMORE

We invented super computers for our pockets, but because the super rich have to become super richer every second, they break if you look at them funny and can’t last even a tiny few years before becoming expensive and highly toxic garbage and I keep approaching meltdown territory again and again and again and one of these days, when the spare phone THAT ISN’T EVEN OLD, freezes again about trying to open Duolingo, I’ll take a fucking hammer to it I can’t deal with this anymore. I just want shit to load, I’m not demanding much. Just usability. And the fucking repair guy to repair my fucking phone or tell me it’s unsaveable and I can begrudglingly buy a new one.

But this freezing is just grating on my nerves.

#legit getting close to meltdowns over the unfairness of planned obsolence #just helpless fury at the unfairness and the state of our disgusting economic system #i can't take this shit any longer i don't demand much but i need to be able to send a text message without the fucking phone shutting off #sobbing #soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

No callout than the sun shining in through the window and your toddler daughter excitedly running around the living room yelling "Many!!! Many!!!"

Trying to catch all the whirling dust particles.

:'D

#you'll never get a living space dust free especially not with textiles and carpets everywhere #but it's still funny lmao #'MANY!!! MANY!!!!!!' #yes sweetie we have MANY dust particles flying around #lol #parenting stuff #toddler stuff #soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

Summing up my day, basically been pushing a huge and heavy broken bike through the city for an hour, arrive at my door SOAKED in sweat and red in the face, hair dripping, the neighbour who had BIG problems with me feeding the birds because omfg one sat on her window sill!!! Immediately gets in my face like "You have been leaving the lights on in the cellar every day!" And I'm like "Nope, when I come in with the kids I make a point of switching it off." Nah, it's us, neglectful me and my children who leave the light on, EVERY DAY, and "they" have already complained, who are "they". Anyway, I said I'll pay more attention in the future and got a scornful glare.

Maybe it's those pesky birds who switch the fucking lights back on after me.

#aaaaaaaaaah leave me alone why does she want drama #even if i were to forget the lights i have an EXTREMELY attentive little boy who would never forget #we're all not busy enough with the pandemic and the war #we need drama about bullshit #especially when I'm completely drenched in sweat and pushing a bike with a crumbling tire #aaaaaaah #soryuchan's personal issues

[soryualeksi]

Happy second anniversary of the day the people at the maternity ward straight up didn't believe me when I came to them having a baby, like, right that moment.

#between 'you're not in active labour and the baby isn't coming' and my daughter crashing into the world was 3 hours #had i let them send me back home she would have been born on the ambulance #which i guess is fitting since I'm an EMT now #but honestly it would have been so stressful for everyone lmao #even worse i might now actually work with people who saw me give birth no thank you #so good for me for sticking up for myself and good for my husband for leading me through the whole of labour all alone in a dim room #and good for my daughter to shock them all by taking like 60 seconds for the entire birth canal #the look on the staff's faces was GOOD #believe people in labour challenge 2022 and forever #you asses #i needed psychological counseling afterwards for that experience #of not being believed and labouring alone with your husband being completely vulnerable and feeling like you're crazy #and also because i never had the time to actually consciously say goodbye to being pregnant and hello to having another baby at the point #but the counselling people were great and super understanding #also happy birthday princess #you beautiful beautiful imp princess #the best daughter a parent could want #soryuchan's personal issues #pregnancy cw #birth cw #birth trauma cw

[soryualeksi]

Don't think I've ever wanted to kick an ass much more than that of my coworker today, who cost me my unexpected free day BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T PICK UP HER FUCKING PHONE even though she was ON CALL. And so they called me.

Hrmph.

I'm getting a nice chunk of money out of it, but it's PISSING ME OFF because this isn't the first but the SECOND time. IN TWO WEEKS. She hung me out to dry by just not coming into work when she was supposed to be. And we're supposed to be a team and she just. Doesn't even give enough of a fuck to PICK UP HER FUCKING PHONE WHEN ON ON-CALL DUTY RAAAAAH.

Also she called me "disrespectful" once because I stopped the car in a place that she thought was stupid (it was. less than ideal. but the matter had to be taken care of immediately and I couldn't do that while driving) "and just deciding for myself not to listen to her", like lady. Yes that's exactly what I'm doing when I'm the driver that's what the driver does this is my car right now and I don't take orders from you DON'T GIVE ME ORDERS I do what I want. "Disrespectful". How about it's disrespectful to give me orders.

The fucking entitlement. I'm so done. She's on my absolute shit list and I hope she gets into trouble this time. Fucking up one time and causing me, personally, trouble by sleeping in and not giving a fuck and keeping the phone on silent? That's annoying but I was sooo ready to cut her some slack. But doing it AGAIN and costing me a whole day of chilling and drawing?? Hello??????

I want to kick her ass so badly. ;_;

#we're done she's lost all my goodwill #and I'm a very patient person #who tolerates way too much bullshit because i want to believe we are all doing our best #but not coming into work and not picking up the phone TWICE in a way that causes me personally inconvenience #is just pissing me off #take it seriously or find a job more to your liking #I'm literally expecting absolutely zero effort off duty ZERO #but ON DUTY i expect effort #it's that easy #fucking hell THE NERVE #soryuchan's personal issues #she's so fucking entitled and i try to tolerate that even though it's embarrassing that she asks for free stuff wherever we go #out of principle not out of necessity #but i try to tolerate everything because I'm weird too #but the zero effort attitude is just too much #raaaah i hope she gets into trouble it's only fair sob #i don't want my supposed team partners to screw me over REPEATEDLY