Nynaeve: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
Mat: Okay, but in my defence, Rand bet me 100 bucks to drink all that shampoo.
Nynaeve: That's not what I wanted to-
Nynaeve: You DRANK SHAMPOO?
Will: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to answer an age-old question. The question is: who here does the best impression of Dr. Hannibal Lecter. You'll be judged on voice, body language and overall lack of flair. Everyone will perform the same scenario: Dr. Lecter eating a marshmallow for the very first time. LET THE LECTER-OFF BEGIN!
Jack Crawford (impersonating Hannibal): What is this glutinous monstrosity before me?
Beverly (impersonating Hannibal): The sugar in this is quite sweet.
Abigail (impersonating Hannibal): oooohhhh *starts giggling profusely*
Will: That's your Lecter impression?
Abigail: I can hear him doing that.
Alana (impersonating Hannibal): Looks like a sticky pillow.
Will (impersonating Hannibal): I don't care for it. Classical music.
Hannibal (entering the room): What's going on here? What are you doing?
Will: Dr. Lecter, hey. Nothing, just eating some marshmallows. Care for one?
Hannibal (picking one up): Marshed mellow?
Hannibal: *starts giggling profusely while chewing*
Abigail: I KNEW IT!!!!!!
*Tim and Jason are tied up together*
Tim: You don't think they're actually goin to kill us!?
Jason: *Looking down* Ah. Rookie mistake, should've tied my legs.
Jason: *Starts to easily get up with his legs, getting up to his feet* Ali oop!
Tim: Hey! Do I even weigh ANYTHIN to you?
Jason: No. It's like holdin a couple of grapes. *Starts running away with Tim still tied to him* Let's go!
*Finally finds Dick*
Dick: Jason! *Looking around* Where's Tim?!
Jason: *Turns around to show Tim* He's right here.
Dick: *Trying not to laugh, putting his hand on his leg with his other hand showing one finger* Pfft!
Modern Madrigal AU:
Camilo: Ask me a question
Mirabel: Is Jay-Z really your favourite artist?
Camilo: Yes obviously
Mirabel: Or is your favourite artist really Taylor Swift?
Camilo being sarcastic: No
Camilo: Alright fine, She is.
Camilo whispering: She makes me feel things
Mirabel: SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS!!!
Follow @shardies1470 for more headcanons.
[In a bar]
Jesper: I gotta go
Inej: Aren't you forgetting something?
Jesper: Uh... [kisses her in the forehead and leaves]
Inej: No! Pay your bill!
Inej: Damn, who raised you?
Zhongli: I am, as the kids say, awake.
Lumine: Do you mean woke?
Zhongli: Yes, but that is grammatically incorrect.
Warlock: I think I speak for all of us when -
Everyone, simultaneously: They don't.
WHEN THE DOORS STOPPED MIDWAY AND HE DID HIS LIL SMIRK/SMILE I WANTED TO VOMIT I WAS AGGRESSIVELY SOBBING
Harry & Draco’s relationship in a nutshell (Part 5):
Garrus: I think I only got hit once. How do I look?
Kaidan: Normal, very normal.
Tali: Good, good.
Shepard: Stop it. Garrus doesn't like being lied to. You're disgusting to look at.
Garrus: Thank you, Shepard.
Kara: Shit, there’s an emergency, I gotta go.
Lena: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Kara: *Leans in to kiss Lena’s temple*
Lena: No! Pay your bill!
Incorrect BatFam Quotes
Tim: Trust me. 1,000 push ups.
Tim: Its a thing Steph and I do. Its means trust me, and if I'm wrong I'll do a thousand push ups. And since you're so confident, if you're wrong, you do them.
Jason: 1,000 push ups is a lot to you?
Tim: You go to hell, Jason.
Jason: Make it a 100,000 and I'm in.
Tim: Obviously I can't do that much exercise, but it doesn't matter because I am right. So fine, 100,000 push ups. You happy now?
Jason: 6,204. I am so glad I lost this bet, I never find time for the things I enjoy. Thanks Tim.
Stephanie: This is so unsatisfying.
Tim: I know, he's not even sweating.
Jason: 6,205. This is too easy. Tim get on my back.
Tim: No, I'm not-
Jason: Get On My Back Now, Tim!
jaskier: is the equipment secure?
jaskier: weapon ready?
jaskier: did you have breakfast?
geralt: what? that's not on the checklist.
jaskier: i added it because i care about you.
geralt: no, i did not have breakfast.
jaskier: unacceptable. look in your pocket.
geralt: *pulling a snack from his pocket* hey, there's little chocolate chips in this!
jaskier: yeah, i'm not an idiot, i know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber!
Miles: "Just be yourself."
Peter B Parker: " 'Be myself'? Miles, I have one day to win MJ over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?"
Spider-Gwen: "Couple days."
Noir: "Couple of weeks"
Spider-Ham: "A few months."
Peni: "Jury’s still out."
Peter B Parker: "See, Miles?"
Peter B Parker: "'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?"
James: Sirius wants one of us to take his bike out. All yours. *tosses keys at Remus*
Remus: no, no I think you're more the bike riding type.
James: Hey, motorbikes are death machines! I've got a kid, I am not taking that risk.
Remus: oh, are you saying my life matters less because i don't conform to societies hetro active, child-centric ideals?
James: are you seriously playing the gay card right now?
Remus: *blank tone* yas queen.
Steve, after knowing the winter soldier is Bucky:
I’ve only had Bucky for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.
Beidou: Good work, Kazuha.
Kazuha: Thanks, mom.
Kazuha: Why is everyone staring at me?
Lumine: You just called Beidou mom. You said “Thanks, mom.”
Kazuha: What? No. I said “Thanks, Man.”
Beidou: Do you see me as a mother figure, Kazuha?
Kazuha: No! If anything, I see you as a bother figure because you’re always bothering me!
Paimon: Hey! Show your mother some respect!
Kazuha: I didn’t call her mom!
Beidou: No, no, no, no, no, Kazuha, I take it as a compliment.
Kokomi: It’s not a big deal! I called Sara mom once, and she’s my girlfriend!
Kazuha: Guys! Jump on that! Kokomi has psycho-sexual issues!
Gorou: Old news! But you calling Beidou Mommy…
Kazuha: Hey! Mommy is not on the table here!
Baal: You did call him Mom, dude.
Kazuha: Shut up, you’ve done nothing but lie since we’ve known you.
Baal: Alright, Alright. I was lying about my identity, but the mom thing, that happened.
Kazuha: A-HA! She admitted she was lying! That was my crazy, devious plan!
Beidou: I believe you.
Kazuha: Thank you.
Beidou: Do you wanna talk about it later? Maybe over a game of catch?
Kazuha, close to tears: …I’d like that.
Wanda: We need your help.
Yelena, who's never met these people before in her life: Great, who're we killing?
Yelena: I don't do kids. That's a rule. But the rule's negotiable if the kid's a dick.
[Sirius and Remus fighting]
Remus: In fact, you just lost "Moony" privileges. From now on, you can call me “Remus” or "hey, you".
Sirius: Come on, Moony.
Remus: [ignores Sirius]
Sirius: Come on, hey you.