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#source: friends
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Raph: Yeah, Mikey doesn’t share food. I mean, just last week we were having breakfast and he had a couple of grapes on his plate-
April, to Mikey: You wouldn’t let him have one grape?!
Raph: Oh no, not me. Chompy.
April: *stares at Mikey in shock*
Mikey: MIKEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!!
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incorrectmccallpack · a day ago
Erica: I brought reinforcements.
Derek: You brought Scott?
Erica: Um...no, but I brought the next best thing.
Stiles: Hey.
Derek: Stiles? You brought Stiles? The next best thing would have been Allison.
Stiles: Normally I’d be offended, but Allison is freakishly strong.
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*sirius and james setting up a voicemail*
Sirius: Ready?
James: yeah
Sirius: “Hi.”
James: “It’s”
Sirius: “Sirius”
James: “and”
Sirius: “James’”
James: “please”
Sirius: “leave”
James: “leave”
Sirius:
Sirius: I- I just said leave
James: Yeah i know because you have all the good words. I have “it’s” and oh “a”, ugh forget it
Sirius: Tahts so silly
James: alright then let’s switch
Sirius: No i have all the good words
James:
Sirius: Ok fine fine we can switch
James: “Hi”
Sirius: “everybody”
James: “it’s”
Sirius: “sirius”
James: “and”
Sirius: “james’”
James: “please” -wait. How did you do that!?
Sirius: Whatt??
James: oh you’re no ordinary roommate are you
Sirius:
James: Oh this will be fun
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Rapunzel: Oh Els, it’s okay! I’d be sad too if the guy I’m in love with spent half the year bringing winter to other countries.
Elsa: But I’m not in love with Jack.
Rapunzel: Oh. No. No. Yeah, me neither. *winks*
Elsa: Raps, I simply miss him because he is a dear friend, not because I’m in love with him.
Elsa: I like Jack just as much as any man, I don’t have feelings for him.
Elsa: Well, I do have ‘feelings’ for him, but they’re strictly platonic. It’s no such thing as love.
Elsa: Although, I suppose that depends on one’s definition of love. I love you, I love Anna and I might love Jack, but I’m not in love with him. I might have the occasional thought, an innocent “what if”, but I do love- 
Elsa:
Elsa: Holy shit, I’m in love with Jack! 
Elsa: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?!
Rapunzel: We thought you knew!
Elsa: WE!?
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dc-incorrect-bats · 2 months ago
Bruce: Where is Tim?
Jason: He ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
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lesbian-deadpool · 3 months ago
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Alexei: *Showing Y/N baby pictures of Natasha and Yelena*
Y/N, picking up a picture: Aw look at baby Yelena with blue hair.
Natasha, taking a closer look at the picture: That would be me.
Yelena: Yeah, she’s gayer than me.
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incorrectbatfam · a month ago
Bruce: What is all this?
Bruce, reading: "The official rulebook of Fireball".
Jason: Yeah, that's the game we were playing.
Roy, carrying a fire extinguisher with oven mitts: Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid—
Roy: *puts out flames*
Bruce: This is helping to solve the case? I thought you wanted to be a vigilante, not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!
Jason: You're right, you're right. I'll get back to work.
[later]
Bruce, looking at finished case file: This took you all day?
Jason: No no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new... Ultimate Fireball!
Jason: *takes out a bowling ball and propane torch*
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mischiefhasbeenmanaged · 16 days ago
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Sirius: *sobbing* LILY IS TAKING YOU AWAY FROM ME
James: What? Is this why you’ve been upset? Pads-
Sirius: She’s taking you away *crying*
James: Pads. No one could ever- *holding back a sob* take you away from me
Sirius: *sobbing*
James: *sobbing*
Sirius: *wrapping his arms around James*
James: DAMMIT I LOVE YOU
Sirius: I LOVE YOU TOO
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waterfire1848 · 2 days ago
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Sokka to Katara: We had our first fight.
Katara taking out her earbuds: Oh no! What did you fight about?
Zuko to Azula: We had our first fight.
Azula putting in her earbuds: Oh no! What did you fight about?
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Donnie: Girls don’t like it when I start talking about science.
Raph: That’s not specific to girls.
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incorrectfmaquotes · 21 days ago
Riza, walking into her house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Havoc: Hey.
Breda: Hi.
Fuery: Hi- hi.
Falman: Hello.
Roy, standing behind her: I gave you the key to our place for emergencies only.
Breda: I was out of Doritos.
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scar-and-boomerang · a year ago
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Sokka: So Zuko kissed me.
Katara: Nooo!
Aang: Oh my spirits oh my spirits oh my spirits!
Sokka: It's unbelievable.
Aang: Oh my spirits oh my spirits oh my spirits!
Katara: Ok, alright, we wanna hear everything. Aang, get the teapot and shut Momo up. Sokka, does this end well or do we need tissues?
Sokka: Oh, it ended very well ;)
Aang, running back with the tea: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Katara, after Aang has settled down: Alright, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, y'know, "I gotta have you now" kinda thing?
Sokka: Well, at first it was really intense, y'know, and then...oh spirits, and then we just sorta sunk into it...
Katara: Ohhhh, so, ok, was he like holding you or were his hands like, on your back?
Sokka: Nah, actually first they started out on my waist... and then they slid up, and then they were in my hair...
Katara & Aang: Oooh...
Meanwhile...
Zuko: And then I kissed him.
Toph: Tongue?
Zuko: Yeah.
Toph: Cool.
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johnlock-hell-resident · a month ago
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Barista: Do you want anything?
Sherlock: You know what I want? I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the man I love on Valentine's Day. And I want him to love me back. And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that's never going to happen.
Barista: We have red bagels
Sherlock: ... okay
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Loki: I brought reinforcements.
Mobius: You brought Slyvie?
Loki: Um... no, but I brought the the next best thing.
President Loki: Hey.
Mobius: President Loki? You brought President Loki? The next best thing would have been Kid Loki!
President Loki: Normally I’d be offended, but Kid Loki is freakishly strong.
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Hannibal: We did it 298 times!
Will: You kept count? You’re such a loser.
Hannibal: A loser you had sex with 298 times!
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lesbian-deadpool · a month ago
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Yelena, on a scooter: Can I ride this outside?
Natasha: Whatever, okay? I'm not your mother.
Yelena: *Runs outside*
Natasha: NOT IN THE STREET!
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