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wroammin · 2 years ago
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[Playing Dungeons & Dragons]
Patton: I roll to steal Logan’s heart!
Logan: Patton, you can’t-
Patton: *rolls a twenty*
Logan: ...
Virgil, the dungeonmaster: You have a spring wedding. I am Logan’s best man. Roman is Patton’s maid of honor.
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avengers-having-fun · 3 years ago
Conversation
Bucky: *is arm-less, sweaty and sticky, hair is greasy*
T'Challa: Oh yeah, Steves coming.
Bucky: whAT!??!
Bucky, 2.5 seconds later: *has a new vibranium arm, smells like flowers, hair is shampooed, conditioned and brushed* Gotta look good for my mans.
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marvel-ous-shitposts · 2 years ago
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Peter: *texting* hey Mr. Stark do u think hypothetically if I drank bleach like a smoothie I would die or would my healing factor take care of it?
Peter: MJ said I would die Ned said I wouldn’t you’re the deciding vote
Peter: Mr. Stark?
Tony:
Tony: exactly how hypothetical is this, kid??
Peter:
Peter:
Peter:
Tony: tell me exactly where you are right this minute I’m coming over
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slytherinandhufflepuff · 3 years ago
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Hufflepuff: I cried today
Slytherin: WHY
Slytherin: WHO DO I HAVE TO FIGHT
Slytherin: WHO HURT U
Hufflepuff: Disney made me cry again
Slytherin: IMMA FIGHT WALT DISNEY
Hufflepuff: HE'S FUCKING DEAD!!
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its-hp-bitch · 3 years ago
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[Draco, recently introduced to muggle entertainment]
Draco: Potter, wake up. Why didn't you become Batman? You could've been Batman.
Harry: what
Draco: You were orphaned at a young age. You also had a decent sum of money.
Draco: ...my boyfriend could've been Batman.
Draco: ... I would be dating Batman.
Draco, glaring at Harry: Unfortunately, I'm not.
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daddiesdrarryy · 9 months ago
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Lucius: We will give you 100000 Galleons for you to break up with our son
Harry: I will give you guys 500000 Galleons to stop interfering with Draco and I
Lucius & Narcissa: ...
Lucius *whispering to Narcissa*: I totally forgot he’s richer than us
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sam-crevellari · 2 years ago
Conversation
Imagine your OTP
Person A: To whom I have to sell my soul to get another season of my favorite show!?
Person B: You can't fool anyone, you don't even have a soul anymore.
Person A: ...Don't fucking blow my cover...
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sandersidess · 3 years ago
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Patton: [talking about the new friends he made while shopping]
Patton: And then they gave me this really cool friendship symbol
Logan: THAT’S A GANG SYMBOL! YOU ACCIDENTALLY JOINED A GANG!
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sanderssidecanons · 3 years ago
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Sanders incorrect quotes!
Virgil: I’m like climate change.
Roman: ...hot?
Virgil: Only a few people believe in me.
Patton: NO!
Logan: Only smart people believe in you.
Everyone: ...
Virgil: ...That was a pretty clever way to turn my self-deprecating thoughts around.
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Hannibal: A Summary
Hannibal: So I sent him to jail
Will: And then I sent someone to kill him
Hannibal: And then I sent someone to kill him
Will: And then I tried to trap him
Hannibal: And then I stabbed him
Will: I tried to kill him again
Hannibal: I also tried to kill him again
Will: And then he turned himself in
Hannibal: So then I went to jail
Will: And then we killed someone together
Hannibal: And yeah now we’re married
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Conversation
*About Angelica*
Hamilton: She is beauty.
Burr: She is grace.
Jefferson: She fucking punched me in the face!
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shitthehousessay · 2 years ago
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Hufflepuff: You love me, right?
Slytherin: Sure.
Hufflepuff: What if I did something? Like really bad?
Slytherin: What did you do?
Hufflepuff: Are you sure you would still love me though?
Slytherin: Are my oreos gone?
Hufflepuff: Just ANSWER the question PLEASE!
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hungry-skeleton · a year ago
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Alastor: horny people have no rights!
Alastor, shoving a microphone in Angel's face: Angel Dust, a level 7 thot, how does it feel to not have rights?
Angel Dust: what the fuck?
Alastor: "Fuck" you say? As in "Fucking"? As in INTERCOURSE? Disgusting, I will have you evaporated by noon you dirty hoe
Angel Dust: w
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thewaynemanner · a year ago
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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
[Jason high on anesthesia after getting his wisdom teeth removed]
Jason: Jesus Christ on a stick, this mirror makes me look hideous. Am I really that ugly, B?
Bruce:
Bruce: That is a window, not a mirror. And what you are looking at is your brother, not your reflection.
Jason, extremely relieved: Oh thank God!
*Damian on the other-side of the window looking mortally offended*
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news reporter: Spider-Man, do you have any comments on the current state of the nation??
peter: if I can wear my suit’s mask while saving New York, fighting Thanos, and protecting the entire literal universe, y’all can handle wearing your masks when you go to the grocery store
tony, in the background, flipping the camera off: WOO!! YOU TELL ‘EM KID!
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slytherinandhufflepuff · 2 years ago
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Hufflepuff: i aM A MENANCE TO SOCIETY
Slytherin: *nonchalantly* yes, you have prevented me from doing my work by being so cute
Hufflepuff: *in near tears* I'm so sorry
Slytherin: *looks straight into the camera like Jim does in the office*
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